Work Text:
La douleur exquise
(n.) the exquisite pain of wanting the affection of someone you can never have.
(Name) choked on her sob - the bile threatening to come up through her throat - she knew that she did not have the chance. She knew.
That did not stopped her from falling in-love with him. Sugawara Koushi was the lucky person's name. She fell in love with him after months of denying it and brushing it off as some kind of sick joke - she already knew that he already has someone he loves very dearly with his heart. So, why? Why does she have to fall in-love with him - out of all the people? Why him? Someone she can't never have.
So, there she was; in front of the toilet bowl in a stall in the restroom - at a restaurant - where Sugawara had invited her to a gathering; to announce his engagement with his significant other.
That heartfelt, tear-jerking moment where Sugawara had announced his engagement made everyone congratulated him and his soon-to-be-wife. Sugawara also made a cheesy yet wonderful speech about it too, it was a beautiful moment for the both of them.
While everyone was busy congratulating the couple, (Name), on the other hand, felt like the time had stopped moving. She felt as if the world had come crashing down. Crash and Burn. As much as she tries to brush the feeling off, it was still there; lingering - mocking her because Sugawara was not hers and never will be. It made her chest tightened with pain though she was happy that Sugawara finally got someone he loves and cherishes dearly. But, it hurts. It hurts so so so much.
It hurt her so much just by watching them look each other in the eye with so much tender love. When she felt that itchy feeling where her throat goes dry and she felt like something was scratching her throat from the inside, trying to come up through her throat; she knew she should go. She cleared her throat, fighting off the feeling of the petals that was threatening to spill out.
She finally gave in and coughed out a petal that was stuck in her throat. She covered her mouth immediately before removing the said hand, to stare at what lied on her palm. Her eyes widened. No. She inhaled sharply, choking on another cough. No. No. No. Nonononononono. Not now. Not now. Not right now. Please. She silently prayed. No.
This made her excused herself to go to the restroom. Which explained her current condition and what she was busy doing while occupying the stall.
She hacked a few more times, most of them are petals. Suddenly, she choked on something. It hurts. It was threatening to come out. She tried swallowing it back in, to no avail. Eventually, she finally coughed it out along with blood that stained the flowers. She stared at the bloody sight; Daffodils. A whole lot of them. Petals were everywhere. Hell, now there was a bouquet of Daffodils. She felt her stomach twist at the sight. Shit. I'm a goner.
Unfortunately for her, she caught this rare disease known as the Hanahaki disease. It was caused by unrequited love. The symptoms were coughing out flower petals and gradually as it gets worse, the person would vomit out a bouquet of flowers along with the person's blood - due to the fact that it scratches the throat of the person because of its huge size which caused blood to get out. Some say that there was a plant growing in-between their lungs and near their heart. Once, the plant was fully grown and mature; their stems or roots would puncture the lungs or even worse - the heart. Some say, it's just a myth. Or, a sick joke. The cure of this disease were getting the person you like, like you back which was not a simple procedure. Though, there was another rather effective one, which was to get the plant removed through performing a surgery. There was a downside though, which resulted in the person losing their feelings altogether - basically being a lifeless zombie living their normal daily life and some say, the feelings can not be retrieved back once the thing was removed and some say, the feelings was still there, just lingering - waiting for the person to accept them back once again. Although, there were cures for the said disease. If the person were to fail to get the surgery, if the person they like did not like them back, it could result in death. Basically choking onto flowers while vomiting blood till you suffocate to death.
The disease, in its sick and beautiful yet gory way, practically described how "love" works and of course, this is reality after all so not everyone would get their pretty fairy tale happy endings. Life's an ass. A punch in the throat.
She wiped her tears that stained her flushed cheeks with the sleeves of her dress. Not caring about ruining her dress at all - then, she wiped the blood that coated her lips off. She huffed at the sight. How was she going to get rid of that? Something that reminded her everyday of him.
She grabbed the flowers after flushing down her flower vomit. She stood up, staggering a little in her steps. She took a deep breath, counting down to ten.
She threw away the bloody flowers in the trash can in the restroom, successfully getting rid of the thing. Though, she did thought about bringing it home and kept it as a memento for today's event.
She exited the restroom, acting as if she was perfectly fine. Totally did not cry and vomit flowers in the toilet.
She strolled towards the couple once she caught the sight of them in the huge area.
She flashed them a fake smile - the one where she would use at her workplace, in front of her clients or customers. This one was used to mask her disappointment, sadness, frustrations and all of those negative feelings she was not supposed to feel towards the both of them. They did not deserved her scorn. Did not do anything bad to her either which made her felt downright, guilty.
"Congratulations, Sugawara and Eimi." She said while shaking her hand with theirs. They both thanked her. Though what she did not expect was Sugawara pulling her into a hug. A platonic one, to be exact. This caused her heart to skip a beat and thudding harshly against her chest. She felt the petals crawling up at the back of her throat, wanting to be released from its confines. She returned the hug, silently wishing she could hold onto him longer.
Once they parted, giving each other grins; one was filled with pure joy, the other one hiding their sadness.
When (Name) saw his smile, she felt her cheeks warmed at the sight. Feeling like she was the same love-struck teenager she used to be, always wanting to experience the feel of falling in love.
So, now there she was standing in front of the man she could not ever have. The man she comes to love so very dearly. The same man who gave her a chance of feeling the rush of falling in-love; feeling her heart skipped a beat and made her feel like he was the one.
Sadly, he was not hers.
Lying on her bed, snuggling in the warmth and comfort of the bed sheets.
Her eyes were locked onto her phone screen, texting Oikawa and asking if it was alight to call him at this hour. He agreed. She felt grateful.
They talked for hours and hours. (Name) letting out all of her frustrations and Oikawa comforting her.
"It's okay, (Name)" Oikawa said through the phone, voice soft and comforting; making (Name) whimper, "Let it all out"
(Name) finally broke down, crying and wailing like a child calling out to their mother. Crying so much that her eyes turned swollen and red. Her snot dripping down from her nose. Tears running down her flushed cheeks like there was no tomorrow.
"It hurts so much, Tooru" She cried, clutching the phone tightly, "So, so, so much." The tears welled up in her eyes escaped, trailing down her reddened cheeks.
"Shh, I know, (Name), I know" Oikawa comforted her, whispering soft sweet nothings through the phone - feeling his heart clenched in his chest at the sound of his best friend crying her eyes out.
Oikawa decided to run to her place, to physically comfort her with his presence.
He huffed for air after running, fumbling with the spare key (Name) had given him. He opened the door - not before removing his shoes and locking the door again - and rushing towards his best friend's room.
Upon entering the her room, he was graced with the sight of (Name) in her bed, sitting. Eyes swollen and cheeks flushed. Oikawa thought she looked beautiful under the moonlight through seeped through the curtains. Almost ethereal. He felt his heart raced and the familiar feeling of bile slipping up his throat. No, not now. He fought it back, waltzing towards her - pulling her into an embrace, hugging her tightly against his chest while she cried into his shoulder, drenching his shirt with her tears.
He whispered sweet nothings into her ear, stroking her hair gently.
She smells like lavender. He thought when he caught a whiff of her shampoo.
He felt her snuggle into the warmth of his hug. A soft sigh was released from her.
It was peaceful. It was alright. Not perfect. Just alright.
"I love you" He whispered into the crown of her head only for him to hear.
(Name) made a sound equivalent to asking "what did you say?"
Oh no. He thought when he once again, felt the bile treating to escape.
In a blink of an eye, Oikawa coughed and hacked out flowers, blood coming out from his mouth. He released (Name) from his grasp before coughing out flowers into his hands.
NO NO NO NONONONO Thoughts raced in his mind, screaming in his head to run.
The flowers that he coughed out were scattered all over (Name)'s bed and floor. Blood staining her bed sheets.
What terrified him the most was not the blood that were coming out from his mouth, no; it was the look of shock and realization on his best friend's face.
No. I told her, I'm already over it. Oikawa silently cried, covering his mouth. Tears threatening to escape from his eyes.
"Tooru-" (Name) called to him before watching him run out of her room - hearing her front door slammed shut.
Realization struck her, she stared at the flowers Oikawa had puked out.
There were (favourite flowers). Her favourite flowers. (favourite flowers)
Her eyes widened, her throat felt dry. The world around her was spinning. She felt dizzy. She tried to stand up, only to fall back sitting on her bed, stunned. Hopeless.
All she did cry. Cry her eyes out.
Oikawa likes me.
I thought he got over it.
Probably is in-love with me.
And I can't do anything about it.
I'm the worst.
"I like you, (Name)." Oikawa whispered to her while hugging her close to him.
They were at the back of the school - a week before their high school graduation. Oikawa finally got the courage to confess his infatuation towards his best friend and childhood sweetheart.
(Name) placed her hand on his chest, pushing him away gently.
"I'm sorry, Tooru" She gazed up into his eyes, smiling sadly at him, "I appreciate your feelings but I don't feel the same."
Clutching the flowers she got from him in her grasp. She kissed his cheeks, "Sorry, Tooru...maybe one day, I'll like you back, yeah?"
"Alright." He breathed out, cheeks flushed.
Please. He silently wished.
Run. Run. Run.
Those were only thoughts racing through his head. He did not care where he was headed to. All he wanted was to get away from her. After he puked her favourite flowers that was tainted with his blood right in front of her.
He reached at a park. His feet brought him to the same park where he and (Name) first met as kids.
He felt tears welling up in his eyes. He choked on his sobs.
He took a deep breath.
Then,
He broke down after holding it in for so long. He hated himself for losing it. He tried to hate her for making him feel this way and making him fall in love with her. He hated himself for ever thinking that way.
He was on his knees now, slamming his fists onto the ground while crying.
The same feeling trying to come out from his mouth again.
He vomited out flowers yet again, the flowers were stained with his blood.
He wailed.
Why, (Name), out of all the people?
Why her?
I'm the worst. For ever trying to hate her.
I love you so so so much, (Name).
The darkness of the night was the only thing that comforted him and covered his silhouette.
He covered his face with his hands, feeling them get wet by his tears. He sobbed out,
"I'm so sorry."
If I If I If I I’m late but
Even now, my eyes and mouth are full of you
A day passes and the regret is too deep
I’m drowning in it
- If I; seventeen, hip-hop unit