Chapter Text
Chapter 31; Falling
”you fall for a moment- maybe a long time, but eventually, you’ll just stop falling. It’s different matter where you end up. Nothing lasts forever.
Not even love.” –neongiraffe
The night was long. One of the longest ones in my whole life. It was even longer than the time me and my cousin Jerry and me were playing outside in a cold winter night and got lost in the forest. We were playing hide and seek and at one point we noticed that we didn’t know where we were anymore. The familiar trees and rocks weren’t there anymore, replaced with hills and rivers we didn’t recognize. I was five at the time, Jerry was nine. He was the older one and I relied on him to bring us safely home.
We wondered around the forest, it was getting dark and cold, the hide and seek game didn’t sound as good as it did two hours ago. Mom and dad always scared us with stories about wolfs that lived in the forest (when I grew up realized that they were just trying to keep us from walking too far in to the forest) We walked and walked, my feet were hurting and my fingers were getting numb. At the time it was the middle of the winter, temperatures well below -20 C
. After a really long time – well what felt for a long time for a five year old – Jerry found a cabin. It wasn’t ours, but it was warm inside. He even managed to get a fire going. We found some blankets and food in the cabinets and huddled in front of the fire. I fell asleep soon, exhausted from all of the walking.
I woke up to my mom shaking my shoulders, tears in her eyes. They searched for us the whole night and finally found us.
That night felt so long.
But not as long as the night I was sick with stomach flu and was puking all night. My mum staid up with me the whole night. She forced water down my throat, brushing hair out from my sweaty forehead, wiping it with a cold towel. I staid up almost the whole night, catching sleep between puking. But pretty much every time I fell asleep, I started to feel nauseated, woke up and puked.
o-o-o-o-
But this night was the longest one ever. I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the door. Cody was sitting on the floor, leaning to the bed. First he was crying and I rushed over to comfort him but he pushed me away. Nothing in this world could ever hurt me more than being pushed away by someone you loved and when you were the one that made them feel so bad.
I tried my all, my absolute all, I tried talking to him, tried touching him but he didn’t listen and only pushed me away. I was crying with him, because of him, for him. The only thing I could do was lean back against the door and watch him fall. Watch and do nothing. Watch and do nothing.
I’ve always been that kind of person who jumps in to action when someone is in trouble. When I was around 7, the doorbell rang and there was a girl around my age behind the door with a sad expression. She was holding a dog leash and a picture of a small fluffy white dog. She told me that her dog Haley was missing and her parents didn’t have time to go and look for her. I got my jacket and told her that I’d go and search for her.
We walked around the streets the whole day. When we were both so tired and hungry, I walked her back to my house and made us sandwiches and for dessert ice cream. The smile on her face when she got ice cream made so happy and fluffy inside, my mouth curving up too.
My mom found us like that, both smiling, ice cream all over our clothes and faces.
The little girl went home and we didn’t find her dog. The next day the doorbell rang again and the same girl was behind it. This time she was with a white fluffy dog called Haley.
o-o-o-o-o
One time when I was 9, I saw an old lady cross the street with a lot of shopping backs. In the middle of the road, one of her shopping back ripped from the bottom and all her groceries spread on the ground. I ran over to her and helped her gather all of her stuff. A big car, - one of those ridiculous city jeeps, taller than me- was using its horns loudly, yelling us to get a move on. I got really mad, how could someone not care about a granny that needed help. So I stomped over to the huge jeep, my head didn’t even reach the window height so I had to knock on the door. A man rolled the window down and he looked very angry and irritated.
“Sir?” I asked, my head tilted up so I could see him, a very determined expression on.
“What?” the man snapped.
“I think you are being very rude.” I said and the man looked at me like he had just seen an alien.
“Excuse me?”
“I said I think you are being very rude. That granny needed help and all you did was honk your horn.” I said, my arms crossed, bottom lip sticking out and all. The guy kept staring at me, but I kept staring back with all the might a 9 year old had. Then his face softened and he opened the door. He walked over to the granny, walked her back to his car and said he’ll drive her home. Before he left, he turned to me, kneeling down at my lever.
“Thank you little boy. I had had a really bad day and that’s why I was being very rude. But you reminded me that there is always time to help someone in need. Thank you.” the man said smiling and clapped my small shoulder with his huge hand. He gave me a fifty euro note and drove off.
o-o-o-o-o
When the tears stopped, Cody rested against the bed. We staid there for a long time, neither of us saying a word. Not that I wanted to stay silent, but when I thought of something to say, there wasn’t anything.
It was getting dark, sun going down. Cody had turned his head away from me, facing the window. I wanted to touch him, to hold him, but I couldn’t. I had hurt him so badly already.
When it was completely dark, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Cody?” I asked in a very small voice. He didn’t answer. “please.” I added and looked down at my fingers. He didn’t answer.
o-o-o-o-o-
I was never good at the silent treatment. My mom said that it was because I could never be quiet and ruffled my hair. I just couldn’t stand the idea of not being able to communicate with someone you cared. I wanted to talk and tell stories and play and be okay.
Unfortunately to me, my cousin Jerry was really good at giving me the silent treatment. And we sometimes fought a lot. Of course it was about stupid stuff, like not sharing our toys or who got last cookie. But Jerry was really good at not talking to me. He could stay silent for days. And I hated every second of it. I lasted around five minutes and then I had to go to him and try to make him talk. He never did.
One time he actually didn’t speak to me for whole four days. We fought about something I can’t even remember but he refused to talk to me. At the end of the fourth day, I went to my mum crying and told that I have lost him. My mum asked who and I said “Jerry, I lost Jerry, he won’t talk to me anymore mum we won’t ever play again or climb trees or share ice-cream mum I’m so sad.” Then my mum went to get Jerry, sat us on either side of the kitchen table and told that we are not going anywhere till we talk it out. Because everything can be solved my talking about it.
-o-o-o-
I was watching Cody’s frame. It was dark, only light coming from the large window, the city lights shining. I could only see him as a black figure against the window. He was looking out, but I didn’t know what he was looking at, or what he was thinking. I’d give so much to know that.
I got on my hands and knees and crawled towards him. He either didn’t see me or didn’t want to react. When I got near him, I slowed down, but then bit my lip and moved the last couple steps to him. I settled in front of him, but he kept looking out from the window. I reached out my hand, but stopped just before the skin of his face. I felt like if I moved the last centimeter, I’d break through some invisible boundary and I had no idea what would happen if I did. I took a breath and moved a peace of his hair out from his face. I tucked it behind his ear and waited what would happen, holding my breath. He didn’t flinch, he didn’t move, he did absolutely nothing. It had hurt less if he had slapped me, told me to go away.
I cupped his face with my hand and turned it gently to look at me. His eye were empty, his face too. He looked like a mannequin, a pretty face but nothing inside. And it killed me. It hurt like someone twisting a knife in my heart, twisting and twisting. His ocean blues were now more like glass.
“They didn’t ruin us.” I whispered. He snickered lightly and turned his head to the side.
“They did Justin. They did.” he said in a voice that just sounded like he had totally given up.
“No no no Cody they didn’t, we can still fix this, we can still be the same.” I said in a desperate voice. I have never heard myself be that desperate.
And I’ve been in very desperate situations. I had a pet rabbit when I was 15. He was one of those long haired and eared ones, he’s name was Mr. Benny. I got it from my grandmother for my eight birthday. I told that silly bunny everything. And I mean everything. In the evening I used to brush him and told him what happened that day. I told him about my heartaches, girls I liked, teachers I hated, my dreams, just everything. The best part was that he only laid there and listened, his long bunny ears twitching at the sound of my voice, his little bunny nose moving up and down.
On the day I turned 15, we had a party at my house, I had around 20 friends, lots of cake and candy. We were playing spin the bottle when my mum came in and asked to see me outside. Usually that meant that I was in very serious trouble, but this time there was something different about it. She looked very worried and sad. I walked outside with her and she told me that Mr. Benny wasn’t feeling alright. She told me that he hadn’t moved all day, he wasn’t eating or doing anything. I panicked and run upstairs, taking at least five steps at the time. I rushed to my room and kneeled in front of his cage. He wasn’t moving, didn’t react in any way when I poked him. For a second I thought he was dead. I opened the cage and ever so gently picked him up to my lap. I saw that his eyes were open and his little bunny nose was still moving up and down rapidly. I got up and took him to my mums and told her that we are going to the vet right now. She nodded and we left.
We arrived at the vet’s office, but apparently there was a pack of dogs that got in to fight with a pack of porcupines and now there were 10 dogs full of spikes. But I said I’d wait as long as it took.
It ended up being four hours. I kept petting Mr. Benny and told him stuff, just very random stuff.
“hey Mr. Benny? Remember the girl I told I liked? Jana? Yeah so she was at the party today and we were playing spin the bottle and the bottle stopped between us can you believe it? Well you’re a rabbit so you don’t know what that means. So you spin a bottle and the one it ends up pointing you kiss. And the person you just kissed spins the bottle and kisses the one it points and it goes on and on. So can you believe my luck? It was totally worth of kissing Arliana I’ll tell you that. So I was just about to get a kiss from her when my mum came in and told me that you were sick. So all I am saying is that you better get well because I missed the chance of getting to make out with the hottest girl in our school!”
When we finally got in, Mr. Benny wasn’t moving much at all. His big bunny ears weren’t moving when I talked to him and his little bunny nose was moving just slightly. The vet told me after a brief examination that he wasn’t going to last long anymore. It was something with his heart. I felt desperate. Mr. Benny couldn’t die! I had him since I was eight! I begged the vet to do something but when she just told me with sad eyes that there as nothing to do, Mr. Benny was too old, I felt utterly desperate. They had to safe him, there had to be something I could do!
But there wasn’t. The vet told me that all I could do was to keep talking to him, so when he left, he’d leave hearing my voice that was familiar and calming. So I did that. I staid up all night and talked to Mr. Benny told him everything and anything, holding him in my lap and petting his long soft fur. Somewhere around five in the morning, his bunny ears stopped moving and his bunny nose didn’t twitch up and down anymore.
-o-o-o-o-
I was still kneeling in front of Cody, my hands on his face. I was looking in to his eyes and tried to convince him that I could fix it.
“Cody please you can’t give up. There’s so much we can still do-“
“Can’t you see Justin? Nothing will ever be the same!” he suddenly snapped, his eyes coming to life. They weren’t empty glasses anymore, but like a ragging stormy sky.
“Yes the photos will get forgotten but it doesn’t make them disappear, the will still exist! And this will just encourage them to do this again and again and again!” He said and sat up straighter and I removed my hands from his face.
“Things will never be the same can’t you see that Justin! “
“Wha-what do you mean?” I asked in a waving voice, afraid of what was happening.
“We can’t ever be the same. We can’t… walk on the streets and hold hands and go eat outside or lie in bed or do anything!”
“Why...why not?”
“Because I will always be terrified that there will be someone taking pictures and printing my life in to a paper and then people buy it and read it. I can’t… I can’t do that Justin.” he said and then all of the anger he had, the storm in his eyes faded into a grey sky, his posture fell and he slumped against the bed again.
“No Cody please no I can fix this-“
“Fix what Justin? This isn’t my life, I can’t…this isn’t me.” he said and looked me in the eyes.
“Everything babe I can fix everything-“
“How Justin? How are you gonna fix this? You can’t make all of the paparazzi in the world to disappear, or make people stop talking about us or stop us being famous. It’s not in your hands. There’s nothing we can do.” he said and looked away again.
“No babe listen, listen to me.” I said and took his hands to mine. “I know that I can’t do those things, but there is still a way we can live and get used to this. There’s a way to be together.” I said and held his hands. His eyes roamed around my face but his face showed nothing.
“How do you know that?”
“Because I…me and Selena did it. We were both famous and we made it work. It takes getting used to and learning ways to do things differently but we can do this. Our love will get us through this-“
“Our love has nothing to do with this Justin, nothing. Our love can’t change things or move mountains or make all better. It doesn’t work that way, it’s not a magic wand that swipes and makes all good when you say that we love each other. Love is just…love.” he said and faded off, looking at his hands.
“No but love makes it all worth it! Because of love people fight and try to make things work. Without love people would just give up when things get hard. Love is why we’ll make it work. “ I said and bored my eyes in to his. Something flickered there, maybe hope, but it was gone as soon as it came. He held my gaze for a moment longer and I held my breath. Then he turned his head towards the window and let go of my hands.
“I can’t do it Justin…I just can’t.”
o-o-o-