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[Narration by Mr. Sherlock Holmes, Esquire]
One of the perils of someone in my position in society is that as with anyone possessed of money and/or status, one finds that it tends to engender a certain level of obsequiousness among those around you. And while I would never claim to be perfect (a certain medical acquaintance of mine had damn well better not snigger any time soon!), I had always found it difficult to get people to say what they really thought of me to my face. That was why I had been fortunate to acquire Watson's friend Stamford as a room-mate in my two years at Bargate. He was quite prepared to tell me when I was being annoying and while I did not always like that I knew that it was for my own good. I kept a covert eye on him after leaving that place just in case, but fortunately the college authorities were not so foolish as to make any moves against him.
I only had to look at certain members of my own family to see what might happen when character flaws went uncorrected, most particularly with my brothers. Mycroft is both proud and arrogant, looking down on us mere mortals with open disdain while treating his poor wife abysmally. Ranulph uses his High Church preferences to much the same end; I am sure he would establish his own religion if he could find anyone worthy of his 'standards'. Of the three of them who ended up serving the government in various capacities only Luke makes full and proper use of his talents; although his temper is to be feared (hence his nickname 'Lucifer') he does not unleash it unless provoked, usually by one of his siblings. Bacchus is a lounge-lizard who never considers anyone's welfare before his own and as for Gaillard, he seems to treat life as one huge joke. About the only surprising thing is that my sister Anna somehow turned out so normal; I frankly wonder how I alone turned out so normal!
That is why I was so fortunate and blessed to have Watson enter my life. His levelheadedness and righteousness are beyond question and when I first saw him in Oxford (excluding our initial encounter in the dark which he hates being reminded of - oops!) I felt almost as if I knew him from somewhere. I can only thank whatever deity was in charge of affairs that he not only deemed me worthy enough to maintain contact with me but was brought back into my life a second time, and that on that occasion I finally had the good sense to propose our living together. That he tolerated my moods and marginally less than full coherence in the mornings – he is definitely sniggering now, the bastard! - was more than I deserved, but then most people cope quite well with having more than they deserve.
I had mentioned before to Watson that Mother had likely had our new lodgings checked out. I may have neglected to mention that I was equally sure she had done the same to him and although it would be some time before they finally met (for which he later confessed himself absurdly grateful!) she seemed to take to his presence in my life surprisingly well. At this time in my life only Mycroft was married off and she got on well with his wife Rachael who frankly did not deserve such an excuse for a husband. I was however a little confused when she remarked that she now had two of her children settled but knowing from experience that any explanation would be worse than my not knowing, I wisely did not ask. I still had that Wedding Order of Service framed on my desk!
I was now beginning to achieve my desire to become a consulting detective. Watson continued to surprise me; I had thought with our recent case that he might not be able to handle the more questionable side of my business yet he had proven me wrong. And when I stared at him across the breakfast table and he sighed before handing me half his bacon, the small smile I got as to how 'whipped' he must have felt made me feel strangely warm inside. I knew not where my life would take me but one thing was certain; I wanted this most righteous of men to be part of it.
I was to get my wish. Eventually.
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Heaven
When you have watched mountains erode it might be expected that you are used to things moving at less than breakneck speed. But even so there are limits.
“The dinosaurs evolved faster than this!” Mrs God sighed as She stared down at the domestic scene below. “Although it is good to see our noble hunter Knowing His Place when it comes to the important things in life. Like bacon.”
“Indeed”, Her husband intoned. “They do say that all good things come to he who waits.”
“I doubt that our brave hunter will be coming any time soon....”
“Dearest! Really!”
“I mean, cuddling up to him like that”, She snorted. “His body is betraying him already. Unfortunately expecting his mind to catch up is like waiting for one of those so-called activists to actually listen to someone else's point of view for once. Or for Hell to freeze over.”
“An interesting humanism”, God said. “Especially those hot-heads who discover our dear Lucifer's Frozen Section. Not to worry; those two will get there eventually although not without the usual problems. Into every life a little rain must fall.”
“Not if someone stops up the clouds....”
“Dearest!”
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[Letter from by Mr. Campbell Kerr, Esquire]
Dear Mr. Major,
I read in the 'Times this morning about your campaign to 'reassert Victorian Values', something I understand that your colleagues in government are quite keen on your advancing. I can only agree that society would be so much better if we were all honest and open in our dealings, and to that end I am drawing up a list of your fellow Cabinet members who use the services of my 'boys'. You may care to ask Mr. Clarke and Mr. Greenham about certain photographs which were taken at a certain establishment they attended recently, copies of which I enclose. Who would have thought that someone of Mr. Clarke's age could be that flexible?
My half-brother Mr. Sherlock Holmes also informs me about certain activities about one of your own family members recently which, while not exactly illegal, would doubtless give the society magazines vastly increased sales. You may also care to suggest the word 'radish' to your brother and note his reaction. And that of your wife.
Yours respectfully,
Campbell Kerr (Mr.)