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Alec took care of everyone. From childhood he had protected Izzy and Jace from their parents, then Max came along and he had another one to watch. Then Clary came and he added her to the list. He became the head of the institute and suddenly he had to watch all of his shadowhunters. And Magnus. His heart ached with the weight of Magnus. They had been through so much together. Magnus had helped Alec come to terms with his sexuality. With so many things, he had helped Alec be himself.
So he sucked it up. He did his job, he helped Jace, he trained Clary, he supported Izzy. He spent time with Magnus. He kept himself in line. He pushed his feelings aside mostly. When he was angry he went on a hunt. When he was sad he shot arrows. when he was happy he kissed Magnus. Today he was in the training room. He didnt deserve to have comfort right now, he had failed. His last mission he had lost two hunters, and gotten hurt himself. Magnus had given his magic up for him. He was worthless. No one knew he was hurt, it was just a bruised rib and a cut on his thigh. He punched the bag. One, two, three, elbow, knee. He hadn’t taped his hands, the sting was building to a dull ache. one -two -three -knee. His side pulled, his knee began to bleed again. He knew he should go home, any longer and Magnus would come looking for him. He could wait a little longer, bide a little more time.
Jace couldn’t figure out for most of the day why he felt off. His shoulders felt heavy, his leg ached, his hands began aching similarly in the afternoon. He went out for a patrol and came back, asking clary if he was forgetting an injury. He then remember Alec going down hard, and his pains lined up. He pressed his hand against his hip, focusing on his bond. He gasped, Alec was on his bullshit again. Jace knew about Alec’s inability to ask for help. He knew of Alec’s tendency to take his anger out on himself rather than those who deserved it. He pulled out his phone and called Magnus. He asked Magnus if he knew about Alec’s tendencies, Magnus didn’t realize how bad it was. Jace asked Magnus to come. He made his way to where he knew Alec would be.
The sight that met him broke his heart a little. Alec’s shirt was soaked with sweat, a dark stain seeping into his already dark pants. The bag in front of him was dripping blood, Alec’s hands were out of view but Jace knew what they would look like. He came around so he was in front of Alec and sighed. Alec’s face was set, hie eyebrows drawn together, his mouth drawn in a line, his eyes dead. He was lost in his head, and taking whatever was in it out on his hands. Jace stepped in slowly, knowing to not jolt Alec out of his revery. They had learned that Jace was the one to come do this, anyone else and Alec would just leave and hide. Jace took Alec’s hands and made them be still. Alec looked into his eyes and deflated.
Magnus arrived quickly. Jace had told him to go to the training room, Magnus had been told what to expect. Seeing it was worse, so much worse. Jace was walking slowly up, gently stopping Alec from punching again. Alec turned his head to his Parabatai and his shoulders dropped. Jace murmured to him, lifting Alec’s shirt to reveal a dark bruise over his side. Alec shook his head at Jace, Magnus couldn’t hear the words just the tone. Jace was speaking as if Alec was a cornered animal, and Alec like he was defeated. Jace took his Parabatai’s face between his hands, making Alec look him in his eyes, he spoke fiercely, and touched their foreheads together. It was a movement Magnus had seen them do to comfort the other, he really wanted to ask if touching one’s Parabatai eased pain, but that was for another time.
When he felt his presence wasn’t obtrusive he stepped in farther, making a sound. Jace looked over and nodded. He pulled out his Stele and activated runes for Alec. Magnus was then before Alec. The bag was dripping at his side. Dripping Alec’s blood. Magnus pulled Alec into a hug, gently. Alec was sweaty and shaking, Magnus didn’t want to think about how long he had to be at this for him to be this tired.
“Love, let’s get you to your room and showered, how does that sound?” Alec’s eyes weren’t focusing on either of them, but he allowed himself to be lead. When they entered the hallway his back straightened, his face went neutral, and his hands clasped behind his back. Magnus’ heart broke a little more. How many times had Alec done this? Beaten himself half to death and then just- walked back to his room? How had everyone missed this, or did they just ignore it.
“Hey, don’t- this doesn’t happen that often. I usually catch him before it gets this bad. Let’s get him cleaned up for now, we can talk more when he’s back on earth.” Jace was looking into his eyes, concern on his features. Magnus nodded and opened Alec’s door.
When they stepped in Magnus went to start the shower, and Jace pulled out clothes. When they turned back Alec was sitting on his bed, hands pressing into each other. Jace sighed and knelt before him, taking his hands again.
“Alec, we talked about this. “ He tilted his head to touch Alec’s. He frowned as he tried to figure out what started this, he had a lot to choose from.
“Is this about the patrol yesterday?” Alec flinched back, bingo. “It wasn’t your fault Alec. You were fighting three demons, they should have been able to handle themselves. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you, if anything its my fault Alec, not yours. Please, come back to us. Parabatai.”
Magnus felt useless as he stood near. why had Jace called him if he was going to take care of everything? Almost as he had the thought Jace held a hand out for him. He knelt next to Jace.
“Magnus doesn’t blame you either.” He hadn’t moved his head. Their eyes had opened, mismatched staring into hazel. “He loves you Alec. I’m covering your patrol, he’s gonna take care of you.”
Magnus took Alec’s hand, understanding now. Alec would meet his eyes. The shower should be warm now so Magnus pulled Alec to stand. The bathroom was barren. Thin towels, unscented soap, no color, no personality. Just how they wanted Alec to be, how the clave wanted all their soldiers. So unlike his lovely, bright Alexander. The boy had so much passion and personality that had been boxed and told was wrong. Magnus sighed and shook his head. The water was warm enough now, Magnus stripped them. Alec shied away from his touch, and it broke his heart. Alec hadn’t done that with Jace.
“Alexander, my love, let me help you now.” He whispered, still holding Alec’s hand.
“I should help you. I’mselfish.” His words where soft, run together but Magnus heard.
“Right now I’m helping you, my love. Let me.”
Alec still would look at him, but his flinches abated a little. Magnus gasped at the gash in Alec’s thigh. It went from his hip, just under his parabatai rune, to his outer knee. It wasn’t deep but it was long, angry, and a little infected. Magnus stood and disrobed, then stepped into the shower and pulling Alec behind him. He guided Alec into the water, watching his expression. Alec was spaced out, disassociating if he was to guess. Magnus hoped he was doing the right thing here, but he needed to be clean.
He started with Alec’s hair, shampooing it and giving Alec’s skull a massage. He moved to Alec’s shoulders, chest, back, arms. slowly dragging his fingers over the tight muscles. He was extra careful with the busted hands, the runes Jace had activated where already starting to work. Alec’s leg was bloody, Magnus cleaned him gently. When he was done he made sure the soap was off and he turned off the spray. He pulled Alec out and began drying him off. Alec was blinking a little more knowingly, his movements beginning to make more sense. Magnus helped him pull on the clothes Jace picked out, his own shirt and Jace’s pants. Magnus made a mental note to leave more shirts here. If Jace picked these they must help.
“I’ll be okay now, you don’t have to stay. This place can’t be somewhere you want to be.” Alec was still speaking without inflection, and his words hurt. Magnus knew what Alec was doing, he didnt think he deserved any comfort. Jace had warned him. He stepped close and copied Jace’s move, taking Alec’s face in his hands.
“Wherever you are is where I want to be Alexander. Especially when you need me.”
“I shouldn’t need you. I should be better than this.” The words left in a whispered rush, his eyes closing.
“No one can be strong all the time, you’re allowed to need help. After everything that has happened you’re allowed to need me. Let’s lay down.”
They laid down, Magnus pulling Alec close when he tried to lay on the other side. He knew they needed to talk about this. He needed to make Alec understand he wasn’t alone. But now wasn’t the time. They fell asleep holding each other. Magnus woke early in the morning when the door opened. An exhausted and shower damp Jace walked in. Their eyes met as Jace laid next to Alec.
“Is this ok? I just- I won’t be able to sleep if I’m not near him. It hurts too much. He hurts.” Jace was already mostly asleep, Magnus patted shoulder and threw some of their blanket over him. How could he deny Jace the comfort he needed? Magnus may love Alec with his entire being, but Jace had part of Alec’s soul. As Jace slept he moved closer to Alec. Alec whined and tiled his shoulder to touch Jace’s. Jace reached, after a moment, and rested his hand against Alec’s Parabatai rune then fisted his hand in the shirt above it. In tandem they sighed in relief. Alec’s hand under Magnus tightened after another period of time. Magnus was watching him sleep, tangled between the two men he loved, albeit differently. Alec frowned, his head turning from Jace to Magnus. He flexed his arm a little again. Magnus wasn’t sure what he wanted so he moved off his arm. That made Alec frown harder and begin to wake up. His eyes barely opened and he looked at Magnus. He looked back at Jace and nodded a little, before turning back to Magnus. He reached out and pulled Magnus into his chest. They caught Jace’s hand between them but Alec didn’t notice. He wrapped his arms around Magnus and sleep snuffled into his hair. Magnus smiled from where he was being crushed into Alec’s chest. Things were going to be ok.