Archive of Our Own ^beta

Bambam dropped his bags on the floor and crashed onto his bed. Jackson, who he was sharing his room with, snorted and put his bags on the floor as well. It was time for their North American leg of the tour, they had just had a concert in Indonesia a few days ago and they’d be having a concert in Toronto the next day. Bambam was glad they had had time to go back to Seoul after Indonesia, even just for a couple of days, because now they’d be away for over two weeks. Right after North America they’d go to South America.

“Come on Bam, we agreed to meet the others in the lobby,” Jackson said and shook Bambam, he had just almost fallen asleep. And, indeed, they had agreed to go out to eat with the other members. He got up and fixed his hair and clothes before following Jackson out. They bumped into Mark in the corridor, he shared a room with their manager.

Jaebum and Jinyoung were already in the lobby waiting and Youngjae and Yugyeom arrived just a few minutes later. It took them a little while to choose where to go, they ended up choosing a place just nearby, since it was already quite late and they were tired. Though, they still ended up spending hours in the restaurant, just eating and chatting, enjoying their time. They all were excited to be back in Canada again, it wouldn’t be a long stay but still, they were happy to have a concert in Toronto.

When they got back to the hotel Bambam went straight to bed, feeling content. He was very tired, but happy.

-

The next morning was when things started going downhill. They had woken up and were getting ready, they didn’t have to go to the venue until later so they did have just a couple of hours free time and Bambam and Jackson had decided to go explore Toronto a bit.

Bambam was looking for his meds while Jackson was in the shower. Quickly dread started creeping into him because the meds were nowhere to be found. He searched every bag, every little pouch and even his camera bag. He took a deep breath and thought back to Seoul. He had definitely had his meds in Indonesia, when he had gotten back home he had put them on the kitchen counter, where he usually kept them. And he had meant to pack them the previous day just before leaving to the airport. He inhaled sharply and his eyes flew open, he could remember walking with the little bottle in his hand, he had been in a rush and when the manager had called him, he had just abandoned the bottle on the living room couch. And now it seemed like he had forgotten it there.

He took a deep breath again. They were not going back to Seoul in over two weeks and there was no way for him to get the meds before that. It was a nightmare. He couldn’t tell the others because they’d worry too much, and God knows what would happen. And he couldn’t exactly fly back to Seoul just to get some stupid pills. He’d have to make it without the pills. He could do it. Bambam felt very unsure but he had no other option.

He jumped when Jackson slammed the bathroom door open and came out drying his hair.

“Are you ready?” Jackson asked and Bambam nodded, he had showered already and gotten dressed. Jackson nodded and rushed to get dressed himself too, while Bambam was just trying to collect himself.

They headed out soon and decided to go get something to eat first since they had not eaten any breakfast. They got stopped a few times by fans but it didn’t bother them, they got to be fairly alone most of the time. (They did have staff with them though because of course they wouldn’t be able to just stroll around themselves.) Bambam was quite anxious, he couldn’t stop thinking about his meds. He tried to reason that he had been just fine without the meds before he had ever even been prescribed them. He did know it wasn’t exactly the same though.

But he relaxed and forgot about the whole thing, at least for a while, as he and Jackson walked around. They went to a few shops and took pictures, Bambam had taken his camera with him and he filmed a few clips too.

Hours later, just before their concert, he was feeling antsy again but it was nothing out of the ordinary. He was nervous before concerts, they all were, and he didn’t have a panic attack before every concert or fanmeeting, it was very rare. He couldn’t help but think of his meds though, he was feeling anxious about not being able to take them daily and he was scared how it was going to affect his anxiety and panic attacks.

“You okay? You seem a bit fidgety?” Jinyoung asked him and Bambam smiled.

“Aren’t we all?” Sometimes Bambam was annoyed at how much more attention the others now paid to him and all the small details, but often it was helpful too so he tried not to mind it. And it wasn’t like they treated him any different, just always made sure to check on him.

“I’m just excited for the concert,” he continued and Jinyoung nodded.

-

The next few days went well, Bambam didn’t feel that different and he tried not to think too much, which was sometimes a bit hard. Their concerts were great and they had a bunch of interviews to do in LA, they were busy but making the most of it.

But then he started noticing things. He grew more and more anxious, it was almost a constant feeling. He noticed how he hadn’t actually slept well after they had left Toronto and how he seemed to have a headache all the time. Of course, he immediately connected these symptoms to his medication, or lack of it at the moment. And then he googled it. Apparently, they were kind of like “withdrawals”, not exactly that though, just symptoms of discontinuing a medication. Made sense. It scared Bambam a bit, he knew he wasn’t supposed to just stop taking his meds but there was nothing he could do now and he’d just have to deal with it. He had done it once before, stopped taking his meds, but it had been a long time ago, a little after he had even gotten them so he hadn’t probably been so depended on them so it hadn’t affected him that much.

The worst day was the day after their Houston concert. They were flying to New York that day, Bambam was very tired since he had only slept a whole three hours the previous night, his head was hurting a lot and his anxiety was high. Jaebum, his roommate, was eyeing him as he packed and put some makeup on. Bambam knew he looked tired and he tried to cover it as well as possible.

As he was dabbing some concealer on his dark circles in the bathroom, his hands started to shake and his breathing got shallow. He tried to ignore it, he knew the signs and he could feel the attack but he hadn’t had an attack in days, even after he had been forced to stop taking his meds, and he didn’t want to have one now.

It didn’t work out like that though. Five minutes later Jaebum called his name and he found himself unable to answer since he couldn’t breathe anymore. His hand was shaking so much he couldn’t even finish his makeup.

“Bam? Where did you put the shirt?” Jaebum repeated the question he had asked and Bambam could hear him walking closer.

“Bam--,” Jaebum started again but stopped abruptly and looked at Bambam. Their eyes met in the mirror. They stared at each other for a few seconds until Jaebum seemed to snap out of it. He took Bambam’s hand and guided him to the bed. There they sat for ten minutes as Jaebum helped Bambam to calm down.

“I think I packed the shirt in my suitcase already,” Bambam choked out when he was feeling better. Jaebum laughed.

Bambam leaned back and laid on the bed, he was still feeling a bit uncomfortable but better than before. It always felt kind of taunting having an attack after a long time. Bambam lifted his head when Jaebum’s phone suddenly went off. Bambam watched as Jaebum read the text and then looked at him.

“I’m sorry, we gotta leave in fifteen minutes. Are you feeling okay?” Jaebum said and Bambam nodded.

“As okay as I can. My makeup looks bad though,” Bambam frowned. Jaebum shook his head as Bambam got up and went back to the bathroom to check on himself.

“I think it looks fine,” Jaebum said.

The plane ride to New York was horrible. Bambam’s anxiety had flared up again at the airport and it drove him into another panic attack, only a few hours after the previous one. He swallowed and stared out of the window. His chest was hurting, his heart was racing and he couldn’t stop trembling. He just wished they’d be in NY already, he felt trapped inside the plane. He had never realized how long the flight between Houston and New York actually was.

Choking on his breath Bambam turned to Mark, who was sitting next to him. He was doing something on his phone but lifted his gaze to Bambam when he placed his head on Mark’s shoulder.

“What’s up?” Mark whispered and pulled his earphones out.

“It’s… so hot… in here,” Bambam said, it was hard to breath. He was starting to sweat a lot. Some people were looking their way, hearing Bambam’s troubled breathing. He knew he wasn’t being quiet and he felt embarrassed.

“Hey, listen to me. We’re nearly in New York, we’re landing soon. Take a deep breath, Bam,” Mark said and stroked Bambam’s cheek gently as Bambam tried to take deep breaths. He felt so nauseated and his whole body was trembling. Mark kept whispering to him softly and stroking his cheek, it felt comforting and Bambam was able to even out his breathing.

“Here, drink a little,” Mark said and handed him a bottle of water. Bambam gladly accepted it. They were interrupted by an announcement telling they were landing soon to the JFK airport. Bambam kept taking deep breaths as they were landing and put his mask on before they left the plane. He saw Jaebum looking at him with a frown, he knew Jaebum had most likely heard him and now knew of both panic attacks he had had. Bambam was kind of glad Jaebum didn’t confront him about them though.

Bambam was really on edge the rest of the day. They didn’t have any schedules so they were just chilling in the hotel. Bambam wanted to nap because he was really tired and his head was hurting a lot. Sleep didn’t come that easy though, he laid on his bed chatting with Youngjae. Eventually he did find himself drifting off, but his sleep was restless.

He was woken up when someone turned on the light in the room. Bambam groaned and squeezed his eyes shut even more, seemed like his headache hadn’t gone anywhere.

“Oh shit, sorry. I’m trying to find my charger and it was too dark,” Youngjae said.

“It’s okay,” Bambam mumbled and sat up, trying to get used to the light. It had gotten dark outside already so it must be quite late. Bambam looked at the clock, almost 8PM.

“Jinyoung texted me a moment ago, they’re planning on going out to eat and look around, apparently Mark and Jackson really wanna go to the Time Square and Central Park,” Youngjae said as he plugged his phone into the charger.

“Okay, sure,” Bambam said, he was a bit hungry. He was scared though, he had already had two panic attacks and he was still very anxious. What if he had a third one? Or a fourth one?

Fifteen minutes later there was a knock on their door, Bambam put his phone in his pocket and took a one last glance in the mirror. He really wasn’t feeling the best, his headache was still there, he had some chest pains and his hands were trembling a little. He kind of actually wanted to just stay in the hotel room but he was hungry and maybe hanging out with the others would make him feel better.

They went to a nice restaurant near Time Square and had a good time, food did make Bambam feel a little better but at the same time he felt like his chest pains got worse. The others seemed to notice how quiet he was being, and Bambam noticed Mark and Jaebum giving him worried looks. When they left the restaurant, Bambam stuck to Yugyeom’s side. The amount of people everywhere was making him anxious, he could also spot a few people taking pictures of them but no one approached them. Bambam didn’t want to waste a good opportunity to take pictures and videos though so he pulled his phone out, he had forgotten to take his camera but he hoped the videos would still look okay. He doubted it thought when he noticed how much his hands were shaking.

They were strolling in the Central Park when Bambam really started to feel it. The older ones were walking ahead of them while Yugyeom, Youngjae and Bambam himself were a little behind. Yugyeom and Youngjae were talking but Bambam couldn’t focus on their words anymore, his chest hurt so much and he couldn’t breathe. Tears sprung to his eyes, this was his third one today already. It was bad. He put his hand on his chest and gasped for breath. The fact that they were in public and anyone could snap a few pictures or take a video of Bambam’s panic attack made him panic even more.

“Bambam. Are you okay?” Youngjae suddenly asked. Bambam shook his head.

“No,” he gasped and tears rolled down his cheeks. “I can’t… Breathe,” he cried out, holding his chest. His breathing was getting more troublesome and he tried to wipe away the tears that now kept pouring. He felt someone’s hand rub his back and someone took his hand.

“Come, sit here,” Youngjae said and they guided him to a bench.

“It’s okay, just breathe, you can do it,” Yugyeom said.

“There are… There are other people... around,” Bambam said between his gasps, he didn’t want strangers see him like this and he was so scared someone was going to take pictures or videos and it would be all over the internet.

“Don’t think about them, no one’s paying attention to us and it’s dark. They don’t care,” Youngjae spoke.

“B-but…” Bambam gasped but couldn’t continue the sentence.

They had stopped to take a few pictures when Jackson looked back to make sure that Youngjae, Bambam and Yugyeom were still behind them. They were, but Jackson wasn’t expecting them to be sitting on a bench and Bambam was… Crying?

“Oh, Bam,” Jackson said sadly when he realized it was an attack. “Guys, wait,” he said to the others when they were about to continue walking. They all turned around to look at Jackson but then noticed the other three.

“Oh, it’s his second attack today,” Mark frowned and Jackson looked at him.

“Second?” he asked and Mark nodded.

“He had one on the plane on our way here,” he explained. Jackson had slept almost the whole way so he hadn’t noticed anything.

“Actually, it’s a third one… He had one when he were packing this morning,” Jaebum explained and pursed his lips.

“Oh no, that’s not good,” Jinyoung said and they all agreed. They were worried about Bambam, something was not right. They quietly walked to the bench and Youngjae looked up, Yugyeom was speaking to Bambam softly and Bambam himself didn’t even seem to notice them. Mark sat next to Youngjae and they all patiently waited for the attack to pass. It took some time and a lot of calming words from Yugyeom.

“My head hurts,” Bambam mumbled as he was leaning forward, head in his hands and elbows on his knees.

“It’s late anyway, we should head back to the hotel,” Jinyoung said and Yugyeom pulled Bambam up. He was feeling a little dizzy and just overall out of it as well so he clung to Yugyeom. He felt mentally and physically drained, this panic attack really had exhausted him. He wasn’t listening to the others speaking as they walked, Yugyeom was almost dragging Bambam.

He had no memory of how they got to the hotel but he snapped out of his thoughts when he was suddenly lifted up. He gasped and his eyes met Yugyeom’s, who had apparently picked him up. They were now in the hotel corridor and Youngjae was opening the door to their room.

“Hey,” Yugyeom said softly and Bambam swallowed, his throat suddenly felt dry.

“You okay?” Mark asked, Bambam turned his head to see him stand in front of them.

“Sure… Exhausted though,” Bambam sighed, not at all complaining that Yugyeom was still holding him.

“What’s going on? Today’s been… Bad?” Mark asked when they were all walking in Bambam and Youngjae’s room. Yugyeom was careful to not bump Bambam’s head into anything. Bambam was let down and he climbed in his bed and sighed.

“I just… Haven’t been feeling well the past few days, I mean like, I’ve been really anxious and now I even have this headache,” Bambam explained, he didn’t want to tell them the whole story.

“Is it the tour?” Jaebum asked.

“No, no! I’m—I don’t really know the reason,” Bambam lied, he did know. His high anxiety was definitely caused by the sudden lack of his medication. He took a deep breathe, scared that another attack would be triggered.

“Maybe you should take tomorrow off, would it make you feel better?” Jinyoung suggested and ruffled Bambam’s hair. They had some interviews the next day and Bambam didn’t want to miss them, it wasn’t often they got to do all these amazing things abroad.

“No, I’ll be fine,” Bambam tried to assure his friends.

“Okay, if you say so.”

-

The next few days were a little better. Bambam didn’t have any attacks but he was feeling anxious all the time, which wasn’t unusual anymore. His headache didn’t seem to go anywhere but it did get a little better. He now felt very dizzy though, which was strange. They had their last USA concert in New York and it was exhilarating. Going to Mexico was exciting as well, they had never before performed in Mexico or South America. It was awesome to finally meet the fans in the Latin American countries as well.

It was the day before their Buenos Aires concert, two days before they were going back home, when Mark found out about Bambam’s medication. Bambam knew he hadn’t been behaving like his usual self but he just didn’t have the energy to even fake anything and he didn’t doubt the others hadn’t noticed something, but Bambam just suspected that they thought the tour was too much for him. It wasn’t the tour, just his own stupidity.

This time he was rooming with Mark. Bambam was napping in their hotel room, again. He couldn’t sleep very well at nights so he often took naps during the day and the others had definitely noticed that. He was tired and quiet every day, easily exhausted by the amount of social interaction they had to do daily.

Bambam woke up from his nap around 6PM and was startled by Mark who was sitting on his own bed, staring at Bambam. They held the eye contact for a while before Bambam snorted.

“What? That’s creepy,” he said and sat up, rubbing his eyes. He always felt a little disoriented after the naps.

“I just… I wonder… Are you okay?” Mark said. Well, that’s strange.

“What do you mean? I’m fine,” Bambam said, furrowing his eyebrows.

“No, really, you’re not. Something’s not right,” Mark insisted. Bambam looked away from Mark and let his eyes wonder around the room instead.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I mean, it seems like you’re sick or very anxious all the time. You’re quiet, nervous and you still have headaches, right and you seem… Dizzy? At times. You had three panic attacks in one day and after that I’ve been watching you and you don’t look okay,” Mark explained seriously.

Bambam weighted his options. Either he could make up a lie, but he was not sure he could come up with a good enough lie and tell it without Mark noticing he was lying. Or, he could tell the truth about him having forgotten his medication home, which would probably freak Mark out and he’d tell everyone and they’d freak out as well and probably send him home ahead of time. Neither of the options seemed good, but they were going home in two days, maybe he could just convince Mark to not tell anyone and not to worry about him, it was only two days and he had already survived two weeks.

“Okay, listen, you can’t tell anyone about this,” Bambam started and Mark raised his eyebrows.

“Doesn’t sound good.”

“I might… I might’ve forgotten my anxiety meds home so, you know, I’ve been a little all over the place,” Bambam said carefully and watched Mark’s reaction. Mark froze and stared at him.

“What. You mean, you haven’t taken your medication in two weeks?!”

“Uhh, yes?”

“Why didn’t you tell us!? That’s not good, it’s not good to just go cold turkey like that!” Mark said and stood up, visibly distressed.

“I know it isn’t! I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to freak out! You’d just make me go back home,” Bambam said and pouted. Mark sighed.

“Okay…” Mark said, sitting back down. He looked like he was trying to come up with a solution but Bambam interrupted him.

“Please, we’re going back in two days. I’ve survived these two weeks already, you, or anyone else, don’t have to do anything. I’m fine,” Bambam pleaded. Mark frowned.

“I’m just worried… But if you say so,” he said and Bambam smiled.

“Thank you. You don’t need to be worried. I’m fine,” Bambam assured him but Mark didn’t seem too convinced.

“You say that awfully lot, sometimes I wonder who you’re trying to convince,” Mark mumbled and Bambam flinched but didn’t comment on it.

-

Bambam felt relieved when they were on their way back to Korea, he had truly enjoyed their time in the Americas but obviously he hadn’t been feeling the best. He couldn’t wait for the next day when he could finally take his medication again and wouldn’t feel awful and anxious all the time. (It also kind of scared him how dependent he was on the pills.) And he had definitely learned his lesson and from now on he was always going to double check that he had the meds with him.

“God, I can’t wait to take my meds again and feel normal,” Bambam blurted out when they were in the plane. He didn’t seem to be thinking much what he was saying.

“What?” Bambam turned to look at Yugyeom who was sitting next to him. He stared at his friend for a second before he realized what he had said. He grimaced.

“Nothing, I just said how I can’t wait to be home again,” Bambam tried to lie, maybe Yugyeom hadn’t heard him well.

“No, I heard what you said. Why haven’t you been taking your meds?” Yugyeom asked, and it just so happened that Jackson was walking past them, coming back from the bathroom.

“You what?!” he said loudly and stopped. Bambam squeezed his eyes shut, he really had barely made it without anyone knowing but he himself had to go fuck it up.

“Shut up, I didn’t say anything,” Bambam said, he turned to look out the window and turned his music louder, ignoring Yugyeom and Jackson. They seemed to get it that he didn’t want to talk about it and stopped asking.

After the flight though, when all seven of them were in the car on their way home, Jinyoung spoke.

“Bam, I heard you haven’t been taking your meds.” Bambam sighed.

“It wasn’t me!” Mark said loudly, obviously thinking Bambam would think it was him who told Jinyoung.

“Wait, you knew?” Jackson said. This felt like some kind of chain reaction of events.

“Uhh, yeah. Bammie told me a few days ago,” Mark said and glanced at Bambam.

“Listen. Here’s the thing, I haven’t been taking my meds because I forgot them home, okay? We’re now home, I made it and there’s nothing to worry about,” Bambam explained. Jaebum frowned.

“You’re right, I guess. We’ve been worried about you, you’ve been acting strange but I guess this explains it,” Jaebum spoke.

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”

“You better not.”