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The light in the motel bathroom casts dark shadows across my face as I stare into the crappy mirror. I look terrible. My eyes are bloodshot, my face pale and my dark hair wild. Ever since I found out what I was then I haven't been able to focus, I don't want to tell them, to have them know that I prefer kissing girls.
Finding out was a complete accident. I turned on my laptop and Dean obviously hadn't shut it down properly because there was still a video playing of two women, but instead of turning away in disgust as I thought I would of, I watched, mesmerised by what was happening on the screen. A moment later I realised what I was doing and exited the website, shut the computer down completely forgetting whatever I was supposed to be doing in the first place. I had to take a moment in the bathroom to think, to calm my racing heart and wipe the sweat off the palms of my hands. I never once in all my 17 years expected to be a lesbian but I guess life doesn't turn out the way you thought it would.
But now as I stand in the tiny confined bathroom, I feel safe. I haven't been able to tell the boys who are on the other side of the door and it is killing me inside. I hate secrets, keeping other people's is hard but keeping my own is even harder because all it want to do is tell them but I don't want them to look at me differently. I don't want them to make a big deal out of it. Dean and his traditionalist views strikes me as the type of person to joke about being gay but not fully accept it and Cas is an angel, I don't feel that heaven is a very pro-gay environment. Sam is the only one who I think would accept me but if I tell him then he will definitely tell Dean, there have been too many secrets between the two in the past.
I have to tell them. I look at myself again in the mirror, I can't keep living like this. Barely sleeping, not eating, not talking, they're already starting to suspect something so I might as well tell them, then at least I won't have to pretend anymore.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I splash some cold water onto my face and exit the bathroom. All the boys are gathered around the small table where Sam and Dean are drinking beer and laughing at something Cas has said or done, the poor angel. They don't look up when I walk into the room but there is an empty chair at the table where I am supposed to be sitting.
Breathing deeply I try and formulate the words I need for this conversation.
"There's something I need to tell you guys" I get out, but it is inaudible over the laughter so I try again.
"I need to tell you something"
Now I have their attention, they've all turned away from the table and are looking at me expectantly.
"What is it?" Sam asks before taking a swig from the bottle in front of him.
"I'm um" I pause, unsure of how to continue, but I've started now,
"I'm coming out" I stutter,
Dean and Sam stare at me for a minute, registering my words, but Cas looks completely lost.
"Coming out of what?" He asks.
There is silence for what seems like a decade but then I can't help myself and erupt into fits of laughter. Dean follows suit and soon it is just the helpless angel who hasn't joined in.
"I don't understand what is so funny" Cas says, which starts another round of laughter.
"You" Dean eventually chokes out while we're trying to catch our breath.
"Cas" I say before Dean can explain, this is my issue and I need to say it out loud properly to avoid any confusion, I don't want anyone to tell me this is just a phase. I know myself better than anyone else so I need to do this for everyone's benefit.
"I'm trying to say that I'm gay"
"Oh so you're happy" Cas smiles as if he fully understands. Dean and Sam have started laughing again and I'm grinning, barley able to contain my own giggles.
"I'm a lesbian, I like girls"
"Oh you could have said that sooner" there is an awkward silence after that, no one wants to be the first to talk, it feels so fragile. I'm still standing by the bathroom door ready to retreat into my haven at a moments notice.
"Well now that that's over why don't you sit down and have a beer with us?" Dean asks me, I'm thrown by the normality of his tone, I was sure he would have a problem with this but maybe not and for the first time in what feels like forever, as I take my seat, I feel normal again.