Archive of Our Own ^beta

It’s a rather uneventful and uninteresting Saturday morning. Three roommates are lounged all over the apartment. There are no classes, no chores, no responsibilities whatsoever. And it’s probably going to stay that way until John utters the single sentence that flips the day completely on his head.

“Hey so, my cousin’s coming over to drop some stuff off later this afternoon.”

That completely shatters the peace. Rose practically slams her book closed with a bang, as Dave jumps up from the couch. “Your hot cousin?” they chorus at the same time, before shooting the other party a dirty look for daring to voice the same thought.

“Uhhh…” John shrugs. “I don’t know. I mean, she’s my cousin and all, so if I said she was hot, that’d be weird. And I have like, three cousins so you gotta be specific.”

“All of which are varying degrees of hot,” Rose states firmly. “Physical attraction is quite subjective after all.”

“Jake’s not hot! He’s a total dweeb!”

Dave snorts and Rose sniffs with playful haughtiness. “Well, if it’s Jake who plans on stopping by, Dave can have him."

“Thank you kindly, Rose.”

“It’s not Jake. It’s Jane. And if you two call her hot to her face, I’m burning this place to the ground.” John pinches the bridge of his nose. “Come on, do you weirdos have to flirt with everybody who comes in here?”

“Yes,” Dave and Rose answer at the same time, before shooting each other another round of dirty looks.

“Ugh, seriously? Can’t you just quit your stupidity just this once?”

“No can do, bro.” Dave holds up a hand as if he’s being sworn in or taking an oath or something. “I’ve got a reputation to maintain, after all. And if I back down, then Rose gets one over me and we simply can’t have that. I call dibs.”

“Hey!” Rose snaps. “I want dibs. And I gave you free reign to woo Jake! Do I not get the same courtesy towards Jane, the object of both of our affections?”

“Nope.”

“How rude.”

“You may be a lady, Lalonde, but I ain’t no gentleman. I don't play by the rules.” Dave sprawls back onto the couch and tucks his hands behind his head. “May the best bisexual disaster win.”

“It is on, Strider.”

“What’s that? Can’t hear you over the sound of my sexily ironic charms and coolkid swagger.”

“Jane wouldn’t fall for it in a heartbeat. She is much too dignified for that. And smarter than you.”

“Dibs.”

“Dibs!”

“You’re both impossible,” John scowls. “Please don’t flirt with her. Or call dibs on her. You’re gonna make her uncomfortable. And honestly, I’m getting pretty annoyed with it.”

Rose chuckles at him lightly and Dave gives him a peace sign.

“I hate you all.” John gives up, stalking off to his room to mentally prepare himself for the onslaught of bad pick-up lines and overdramatic displays that his roommates plan to pester his poor cousin with. Against his will.

God, they’re so weird sometimes.

Jane shows up an hour after lunch, armed with the cardboard box of fabled stuff she wants to give John. When she rings the doorbell to their crappy college apartment, John makes sure he beats Dave and Rose to it. “Back, you heathens! I want her to actually feel welcome in here.”

“Takes one to know one,” Rose mutters. She must be a bit nervous if that was the best she could come up with. John has no time to ponder that as he opens the door and lets his cousin inside. “Jane!”

“John!” Jane puts the box down on the floor and pulls her cousin into a hug. Despite being nearly half a foot shorter than him, her arms are pretty toned from years of running her own baking business from sunrise to sunset and she squeezes him as if he were a tube of toothpaste. John welcomes it, even if he can’t quite breath right in Jane’s grasp. He’s missed her hugs.

“My goodness, it’s been way too long!” Jane releases John and beams into his face. “Look at you, future compsci graduate in less than a month! Oh, Jade, Jake, and I all are so proud of you. We can't wait for you to join us in the working world.”

“I love you too, Jane.” John hears a small cough behind him; Rose and Dave are standing right there expectantly. Well, he can’t delay the inevitable forever. He just hopes Jane won’t get too overwhelmed by his roommates’ antics.

“Right. Um, Jane? These are my roommates: Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you both,” Jane says cheerily, extending her hand out for a firm shake. “I’m Jane Crocker, by the way. I guess John mentioned I’m his cousin.”

Rose does give it a shake, then suddenly lifts up Jane’s hand and kisses the back of it. She breaks off with a wet smack, leaving a black lipstick stain on Jane’s dark skin.

“Oh,” Jane gasps in surprise. “Um…”

“The pleasure is all mine, dear,” Rose says in a sultry tone. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

“You have?”

“Yep.” Dave leans against the wall in a classic coolkid move. To John, he looks obnoxiously dorky. “Not every day a babe like yourself graces our shitty little hellhole with your presence.”

John’s palm hit his forehead.

To her credit, Jane isn’t flustered in the slightest. She just laughs. “Hoo hoo hoo! You two are hilarious! And awfully sweet.”

John tries to elbow Rose out of the way. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Rose, Dave, one of you mind getting her something to drink? I’m gonna help her unpack.”

Dave gives Jane a pair of finger guns. “Anything for the lovely lady. AJ sound good?”

“Daaaaaaave…”

“That’s fine by me!” Jane replies. John pushes Dave in the direction of the kitchen as he picks up the box and leads Jane to his room. It doesn’t take long for the two cousins to empty the box onto John’s bed.

Jane huffs. “I hope you have space for all these DVDs. And something to play them on.”

“Yeah, I just mooch off Dave and borrow his DVD player.”

“Maybe I should come over more often for movie night!” Jane grins. “I need something to do on my days off anyways.”

John glances over his shoulder to see Rose lingering in the doorway. “I’d rather you not.”

“I can make my caramel corn for everyone.”

Damn it. She has him there. John loves Jane’s homemade caramel corn. “Um, I’ll think about it. Anyways, I’m glad you stopped by but we all know you’re super busy so you probably need to get going-”

“Oh, what’s the rush?” Rose drawls playfully. “It’s rude to kick out a guest so soon, John. Especially such a beautiful and kind one.”

Dave, of course, just has to show up with the apple juice in tow. “You gotta at least give us a chance to woo her further, man!”

“Nope!” John snaps. “Nobody is wooing anybody! Outta my room!”

“Are you sure?” Jane asks, and John can’t tell if she’s genuinely being honest or if she’s also conspiring to give him a hard time. Why can’t anybody be on his side for once? “Your friends are a hoot and I’d love to get to know them better.”

“I’d rather you didn’t-”

Rose reaches out to take Jane by the hand, pulling her into the living room. Dave passes her the juice. Jane looks rather cozy as she relaxes on the couch, both Dave and Rose smiling sweetly at her. John wants to slap those looks off their faces.

Dave gestures grandly. “Welcome to my humble abode. Nuestra casa es tu casa. I think that’s how it goes; I haven’t taken Spanish since high school, so forgive my rustiness.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jane hums into her juice. “You’re very kind, Dave.”

“Thank you. I always aspire to be a gentleman.”

Rose smirks. “A facade of one, if you will.”

“Why you always gotta kill my vibe, Rose? Especially in front of such a stunner?”

“I don’t like to lie to pretty girls.”

“I love all those photos,” Jane marvels, staring at the wall opposite to her that’s covered in Dave’s collages. She’s managing to completely tune out Dave and Rose’s petty bickering, a stronger soldier than John is. “Who took them? They’re quite pretty.”

Dave buffs his fingernails as he perches on the arm of the couch. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’ve been known to dabble in the art of photography from time to time.”

“You’re taking it as a major,” Rose responds mockingly. “You only got a 75 on your last assignment.”

“Wow!” Jane’s head swivels from Rose to Dave. “That’s amazing! I’d love to see more of your work someday. What about you, Rose? What do you study?”

Rose waves dismissively. “I’ve got a hand in every pot. My interests are quite hard to pin down, as I appreciate a broad range of subjects from-”

“She’s an English major who takes all the poetry classes.”

“And I’m much more eccentric than that, Dave.” Rose gives Jane a flirty look. “But I’d write a million sonnets about you any day, dearest.”

Jane laughs, but John doesn’t see what’s so funny. Mercifully, she drains the last of her juice and stands up to leave. “Well, it was wonderful to see John again and awfully nice to meet you all. But I’d best be going now, to prepare for tomorrow’s crowd.”

Dave gives a mock pout. “Leaving so soon, honeybunch? You’ve just started to grace us with your existence.” He dramatically faints backwards on the couch. “And there John goes, hiding your gorgeous face from our undeserving eyes. I’m wasting away now. Wasting!”

John slaps Dave’s shoulder. “Oh, stop it. She’s busy.”

Jane giggles. “I’m sure I’ll be back someday. And yes, John, I will bring that caramel corn. Or would you prefer cupcakes instead?”

“I’m aiming for a slice of bigger cake myself,” Dave responds wryly. John’s face grows hot in response.

Rose makes a face. “Some gentleman you are.”

“A gentleman has his needs too. Don’t say you weren’t thinking it.”

“At least I have the tact to keep my perverted fantasies to myself.”

“And we’re done here!” John throws open the front door and pushes Jane through it. “Bye, Jane! Thanks for the visit! I’ll call you later, and I’m sorry my roommates suck!”

Jane waves. John slams the door shut, then gives Rose and Dave the biggest “I’m going to slit your throats in your sleep” scowl he can possibly muster. “What the fuck is wrong with you two!?”

“Do you want the list or the abridged version?” Rose asks.

“I ask you not to flirt with my cousin. What did you do? Flirt!”

“Dude, that’s like asking me not to breathe,” Dave bemoans. “It goes against my very core of being. When presented with a hot babe like Jane, I just gotta shoot my shot.”

“No. No you don’t!”

“It’s too late now, Egbert.” Rose folds her arms and sneers. “She’s seen the best and worse we both have to offer. And I don’t think you had to worry about her being overwhelmed by us.”

“Yeah.” Dave wriggles his eyebrows. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say your dearest cousin has fallen for the classic Strider charm!”

“Oh, please. Like she’d ever want anything to do with you. Sorry, Dave, but Lalondian charisma wins out this round.”

“Does not. And I called dibs first, remember?”

“I called it second, which cancels out your dibs.”

“That’s not how it works!”

“Don’t be such a sore loser.”

“Dibs!”

“Dibs!”

John gives up and once again heads off to his bedroom, leaving his two roommates to squabble in the hallway. Ugh, he’s so embarrassed. Next time, he’s meeting his cousins at their places instead.