Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Peni Parker was walking in the spider society looking around feeling like she doesn't deserve to be there. I mean there are better spider people out there who actually deserve it. She couldn’t even save her Aunt May and even though she didn't like Abby that much she didn't deserve to die…. she was a murderer

As she wallows in self-pity she looks around that all the talented spider people actually who deserves to be there (if they aren't spider people they definitely look like it) She seems to be lost and thought as she walks straight into the only Gwen Stacy

“Hey Gwen” Peni says tired as hell

Gwen gives her a look that she can't quite pin “Need something?”

Gwen stares at her as it's been a while since the two of them have seen each other

“Ummm… no not really she says “I was looking around and just kinda ended up here.”

“Do you need something?” She says staring at her

“Sleep maybe” Peni responds with just a hint of a smile

Gwen chuckles

“Yeah same”

“I kinda want see to Miles, and maybe my dad again” she trails off

Plus Noir and Ham She adds laughing a bit

Sorry for dumping that on you, are you okay Peni? you don't….. look so good.

“It's just my uncle Ben…. He's been a bit distant lately” She said a bit nervous

Gwen looks at her, like really looks at her it's like she's trying to see whether or not she's lying

Then after a moment

She laughed again “I know what you mean I mean I'm not really close with my dad anymore and haven't seen my band in a while”

“But they say distance makes the heart grow fonder” She says laughing

It sounds forced as hell like she doesn't really believe it. It's like it's not the first time she's said that exact sentence.

“You uhhh…. good, Gwen?” Peni asks I bit worried

Gwen stops talking for a moment

“Yeah I'm good it's nothing it's just I haven't seen my dad Miles or our other spider friends in a while I'm getting worried about my dad and…I'm starting to miss them more you understand what I mean?”

Peni know exactly what she meant but she wasn't going to admit it

“Yeah maybe you should talk to Peter B I’m sure he misses the rest of us too”

Gwen looks looks around for a moment “Yeah you're probably right”

“I'll see if I can find him around here and talk to him.” She adds

“Yeah you do that….” Peni says trying to keep her voice steady

She looks straight at Peni “I know we don't talk a lot so I'll see you around?”

….

….Sure

She nods and walks away when suddenly she turns around again

“Thank you for listening to me and talking with me. It really does mean a lot. I just needed a break is all, thank you.” Gwen says and then walks away.

Peni lets out of breath as she sighs in exhaustion and tries to keep her breathing calm

She walks around a little more when Pav came up to her asking if she had seen the blonde girl she was just talking to

She says she saw her earlier and she points to the direction she saw her go he thanks her and then goes running in the direction of where Gwen was

‘That's a bit rude he didn't even try to talk to me….’ She thinks to herself

She keeps walking as she starts feeling exhaustion catching up with her again She start thinking about Uncle Ben and how long it's been since she had a actual talk with him

She really missed how things used to be even if it wasn't perfect and she never had the best relationship with her Aunt and Uncle

‘He probably doesn't want to even see me’

She shakes her head

that's not what he wants she know he probably misses talking to her just as much as she does

‘I just need to….. try to stay positive.’ She's repeats to herself over and over again as if repeating it will magically make it true

But eventually she realizes that even if he doesn't want to see her as much it doesn't mean he doesn't love her just that he's too busy or occupied right now to talk to her

‘Or maybe he blames me for the V#nom incident.’ The negative part of her says

Peni tries to dismiss her intrusive thoughts as She's gotten better at doing so but it keeps repeating itself in your head. It's like a part of her is so used to thinking the worst possible thing that it's not comfortable with her

Feeling nauseous Her head keeps repeating over and over again saying ‘your uncle blames you that's why he doesn't want to see you’

She knows that's not true and that's not why they haven't talked

‘but what if-’ She stops that thought before she can finish it

‘Damn… I really need to clear my head’ She puts her hand on her head as it starts to hurt

Peni can feel herself starting to panic slowly as she tries to fight off the negative thoughts in her head

She can feel her breathing getting faster and her heartbeat slowly getting a little bit faster as the intrusive thoughts start piling

She just wants to think normally again

“Fuck please just calm down” She tells herself

“I'm in a public spot anyone can see me please just I- I need to just focus”

Her heartbeats slowly calms down and she gets her breathing back to normal as she realizes she didn't have a panic attack which was a good thing considering where she was. She starts walking again trying to find a place where she can relax just by herself.

She silently hopes she doesn't run into any other spider people

She keeps walking trying to find where she left SP//dr but it seems like the universe doesn't care what she wants as she suddenly sees another spider person.

Who again wasn't even trying to talk to her just asking for directions to find some other spider person

Her heartbeat speeds up just hearing that She wants to cry so badly She's just so God damn tired

“No one wants to even try to talk to me…” She mutters

‘Gwen only talked to me because she happened there..’ She things starting to get mad at herself

She the intrusive thoughts starts to come back ‘your being a bad person’ ‘your uncle doesn't love you’ ‘Gwen hates you’ ‘that's why she didn't talk to you until now’

She finally finds where she parked Sp//dr at
“I should go for for a swing It always calms my nerves”

She gets into Sp//dr and starts swinging around trying to clear your mind as she's instantly reminded of how calming swinging around can really be.

It was peaceful she couldn't help but start thinking about her uncle and Gwen again the effect is almost entirely gone as the intrusive thoughts keep piling in her head.

“What is wrong with me I- why can’t I just be as happy and carefree as I once was?!?” She says falling into hysteria

She can feel her breathing get a little bit faster and she can feel her heartbeat as it starts speeding up

She starts thinking more and more about her past self and how she used to be able to be happy and carefree. Peni's head starts hurting and her intrusive thoughts get even louder as she feels like her life is falling apart and there's no way to save it.

‘I just need to keep swinging that's all” She says her voice shaking

She tries to focus on swinging and getting her mind off everything else but the intrusive thoughts just won't leave her alone.

She can't stop thinking that everyone hates her, everything's her fault, and that her life is going to get a lot worse and there's nothing she can do to stop it.

She lands in a private area in the spider society and hops out of SP//dr

She crawls into a corner trying to calm down but it's not working as her intrusive thoughts continue to pester her.

She lay there for a while trying to ignore her intrusive thoughts to no avail she’s just hoping they will go away on their own and that she can stop thinking about her sad excuse for a life.

“Please just leave me alone please I'm begging you I just want some peace” Than she bangs her head against the floor

Like hard

It felt good for some reason it made the thoughts quieter

She bangs her head against the floor over and over again the thoughts get a little bit quieter as she continues banging the intrusive thoughts out of head . It feels good to have a quiet head again no more blaming herself no more of the V#nom incident no more nothing… just silent

She stops and dully stares up at nothing

"Maybe I should talk to Peter too"