Keith Richards signs autographs for gondoliers. Not much of a story. Can you dress it up with a clever headline?

Just one cornet-Stone, Keef it to me

No. It turns out, no.

Don't even try and parse the headline. It only seems more painful the more you think about it.

If running the weak 'Ronaldo and Paris Hilton' story was a way of trying to atone for the awful 'camp' error of last week, it looks like The Sun still has some making up to do:

CRISTIANO RONALDO enjoyed a weekend on the lash in Las Vegas with a bevy of beauties.

The footballer sipped cocktails at the gambling mecca's top nightclubs - and had his pick of the mini-skirted babes.

Again, this piece by Pete Samson still neglects to include Gordon's tent-o-meter device.

While suing for peace with Ronaldo, Gordon claims to be bringing peace in the disagreement between Yusuf Islam and Coldplay:

YUSAF ISLAM, formerly known as CAT STEVENS, has asked Bizarre to help him make peace with the band over his claims that they ripped off his epic 1970s track Foreigner Suite.

He's asked Bizarre to do that, has he?

He said: “I want them to know that I don’t have any ill will towards them.

“I stand by what I said. They did copy my song but I don’t think they did it on purpose.

“I can understand why they got so upset because they probably don’t even realise they have done it. It happens all the time.
Slapping

“I have even copied myself without knowing I have done it.

“I’ll write down what I think is a new melody and then listen back to it and realise it’s the same as something I have already done.

“It’s just one of those things and I don’t want them to think I’m angry with them.”

He added: “I’d love to sit down and have a cup of tea with them and let them know it’s ok."

Oddly, the paragraph where Islam grips Smart's arm and begs for assistance seems to have not made the final cut of the piece.

Today, Gordon has news that Yusuf Islam has suggested that Coldplay have lifted the song they supposedly pinched from Joey Satriani:

Yusuf explained: “There’s been this argument about Coldplay stealing this melody from JOE SATRIANI, but, if you listen to it, it’s mine! It’s the Foreigner Suite, it is!”

Gordon, shocked that anyone might think Martin more than a talented hack, offers up an explanation:

Unconsciously stealing musical ideas has a name. My experts say it’s a condition called cryptomnesia.

Your experts? What experts would those be, Gordon? Your forensic psychologists department, or Wikipedia.

Still, good work on finding a defence. Even if...

I bet Chris regrets what he said to Rolling Stone mag in 2005: “We’re good, but I don’t think we’re that original. I regard us as being incredibly good plagiarists.

... you then destroy it.

Yusuf Islam has accepted a libel payout from the World Entertainment News Network after the service published a story that extrapolated wildly from his name and claimed he wouldn't speak to women who didn't wear the veil. Oh, and even if women did wear a veil, he'd still only speak to them through third parties.

Which doesn't even make sense - why would it be okay for the "third party" to speak to women if Islam couldn't? Or did WENN think that he used a different third party each time? "You've spoken to women now, so effectively, you're as bad as them."

Islam is giving the damages to his charity. ContactMusic, which also ran the story, is going to chip in, too.

Some Live Earth videos from YouTube, of varying attractiveness:

Al Gore talking
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane
Hips Don't Lie - Shakira
Beastie Boys - Sabotage
Yusuf Islam - Wild World (hopefully wiping the James Blunt version)
Nunatak's Antarctic leg
Crowded House winding up Sydney
Barriers collapsing during the Linkin Park Tokyo set

The apparently self-defeating idea of flying artists halfway around the world to persuade us to cut down on our use of fossil fuels has been defended by Live Earth supporters who insist that it makes sense: having high profile, international stars is essential to draw crowds to the events, and help get the message across.

Only that doesn't turn out to stand up: Sales for the German event in Hamburg have been disappointing precisely because the international names have edged out local acts:

We love Yusuf Islam, and think that the music he's doing now is probably as good as anything he'd produced during his career. But when you're throwing him into the mix as a desperate bulwark against soft ticket numbers, you know you're in trouble.