The Onion

Citing the beings’ conspicuous lack of proficiency at even the most basic tasks and their general air of confusion, local man Travis Porter, 31, reported that his abduction Wednesday night was clearly the aliens’ first. “After they pulled me aboard the ship, they all just kind of stood around for a while looking at each other—it was obvious that none of them even knew where to start,” said Porter, who explained that the extraterrestrials then spent at least 15 minutes fumbling with their laser restraints until they were finally able to pin him down to the examination surface.

Perfect for that special someone who has nothing.

Blow your paycheck like a well-informed citizen.

Exploiting the popular online game platform for his own perverse ends, local Roblox user Rodney McKinney, 68, was accused of grooming 56-year-old Roblox user Walter Rhodes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “For the past several months, Mr. McKinney, a 68-year-old Roblox user, used the game as a means to foster an inappropriate relationship with an impressionable young 56-year-old that was sexual in nature,” said officer Mike Cavazos, noting several obscene messages in which the baby boomer offered the much younger Gen X user Robux in exchange for lewd images of Rhodes’ flabby, mature body.

Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine. “Despite the typical American male’s conviction that he would viciously beat down anyone who came at him and end the whole thing with one punch, we found that in the event of an actual violent altercation, most adult men would almost certainly injure themselves far worse than any assailant,” read the 80-page report, which went on to confirm that nearly all American males would be unable to execute a single maneuver they envision themselves capable of performing, be it an uppercut, a roundhouse, or grabbing an opponent by the back of the neck and smashing his face down into the bar.

Appease your desperate need to belong.

Saying he was more than willing to go along with the request to avoid conflict, local internet user Dan Filmeyer reportedly clicked a box to allow all cookies Thursday so the website he was browsing wouldn’t be mad at him. “Ah, man, I don’t want SnackWorks.com to think I’m uptight—accepting these cookies seems like a good olive branch to show this site that we’re all friends here,” Filmeyer said as he readily accepted more cookies than were necessary for basic website functionality, adding that he wouldn’t want to come off “like a dick” by clicking through to the privacy policy to learn more about how the cookies were being used.

Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters in his day-to-day existence, the bamboo utensil is reportedly not leaching toxic chemicals into his body that will have long-term health effects. 

You work too hard not to give us your money.

Dunkin’ Pastries Included In Massive Recall

Responding to a dramatic increase in cases of starry-eyed gazing and spontaneous poetry, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a general health warning Tuesday for hazardous levels of atmospheric romance across the entire North American continent.

“Early indications of romantic exposure include a flushing of the skin around the face, neck, and chest, accelerated heartbeat, rapid eyelash batting, and sighs,” EPA administrator Steven Johnson said at a morning press conference. “Left untreated, the ailment progresses rapidly, leading to aimless strolls, floral purchases, and a form of acute and regressive aphasia in which the victim’s speech degenerates into that of a young child.”

According to Johnson, teens, recently married couples, and people who have not yet had all of the hope drained out of them by bitter life experience are at the greatest risk.

Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. “Man, my stomach has been growling for so long that I seriously think I could crush a whole orange in one go,” said Childress, who claimed he was so starved that he would happily tear into the skin and peel an entire orange with his bare hands if he had the chance. “I’m not just talking about those little mandarins, either. 

In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. “I’m over the moon to have reached a compromise that will let me to stay amongst the living through 2040,” the 82-year-old said of the blockbuster half-billion-dollar contract, which extends his life almost to the century mark. 

Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. “This is a very important opportunity for me, and as such I’m willing to put forward considerable capital towards procuring just a modicum of respect,” said the billionaire in a social media post, which went on to explain that he saw acquiring respect as just “one small step” toward the broader goal of being seen as a serious person.