Part one

Part two

What is Interpersonal Effectiveness?

Interpersonal effectiveness skills give you the needed tools to better express and seek out your needs, set limits, and negotiate conflicts – all while protecting your relationships and without anger or coercive efforts for control. The main goals of learning interpersonal effectiveness skills include: 

Being skillful in getting your needs met:

Get others to do things you would like them to do

Get others to take your opinions and feelings seriously

Effectively say no to unwanted requests

Building healthy relationships and end destructive ones:

Strengthen current relationships

Don't let problems and hurt build up

Use relationships skills to fight problems head on

Repair relationships when needed

Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming

Find and build new relationships

End hopeless, destructive, or unhealthy relationships

Walking the middle path:

Create and maintain balance in relationships

Balance and accept changes in relationships

Passive VS Aggressive Behaviour and Communication Styles

The way in which you communicate your needs and feelings to the people in your life plays an important role in the health of your relationships. A more passive communication style can result in your needs not being met and feelings not being heard, while a more aggressive communication style can result in the other person feeling judged, unwanted, fearful, and unsatisfied with the relationship. Patterns of unhealthy communication will end up being very painful for both you and the other person.

Passiveness: 

You consistently give in to others and abandon your own needs, creating frustration and resentment that builds inside of you

You believe you are protecting your relationships in the short term by going along with what the other person expects; long term, however, the relationship takes a shape you can't stand – and you have to destroy it to stop the pain

Aggressiveness:

You tend to care about meeting your own needs and goals first, regardless of the needs of other people

You can be verbally aggressive when communicating with other people and you try to control others. This leaves other people feeling intimidated, hurt, or bitter

Passive-Aggressiveness:

You may tend to express your emotions, thoughts, and needs in indirect ways, and you may not express your anger in a clear way

You might use sarcasm or the silent treatment

This style can leave other people confused or feeling like they've been manipulated

What is your communication style? DBT EXERCISE

Figuring out what your main communication style is can help determine which areas of communication you most need to work on. For each section below, check off each option that you feel accurately describes you. The style for which you have the most checks is the communication style you most often use:

The “I Want–They Want” Scale

Every relationship consists of two people trying to get what they need and want. Sometimes those two people need the same thing (ex: companionship, affection, calm) and it's easy. But when those people need different things at the same time, or when one of them needs something the other doesn't want to give, conflict starts. If the “I want-they want” scale is unbalanced, your relationship becomes unstable and deteriorates. For a relationship to succeed, both parties must be able to do the following:

Know what you need out of the other person. This is easier said than done, but it is a vital part of maintaining a relationship

Notice cues that signal what the other person needs, listen to the other person when they express their needs, or actively seek out knowledge of what they need

Negotiate compromises so that you can get at least some of what you want

Negotiate compromises so that you can give the other person at least some of what they want

Your Interpersonal Values – DBT EXERCISE

Your interpersonal values are, for lack of a better term, your heart's deepest desires for how you want to behave in relationships. They dictate your expectations for how you and others deserve to be treated and are the foundation for setting interpersonal goals and boundaries with yourself and others. 

To determine your interpersonal values, ask yourself:

Things to keep in mind and to practise:

1: Relationships require attention and commitment

Whether its a friend, coworker, or partner, maintaining a good relationship depends on noticing the other person's feelings and reactions

Paying attention means staying in the here and now – not thinking about what you want to say next or focusing on a past memory. It’s important to remain present and to focus on what you see, hear, and sense emotionally from the other person

When you pay attention, you are more likely to notice a problem or conflict arising before it overwhelms you, and also gain time to ask clarifying questions that can help you correct misconceptions

2: Observe and Describe

Observe the other person's facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and choice of words during a conversation to get a fix on the mood and state of the relationship. This can sometimes be challenging, especially if the person in question is not very expressive or for example if they or you are autistic. It's okay if you can't always tell by body language and it’s also okay to directly ask someone how they are feeling towards you and your relationship if you are unsure of the current situation

3: Watch your own experiences in relation to others

Pay attention to what you are feeling and needing. Do you need something from the other person (ex: more attention, some help, some space)? Do you need to change some element of the process between you (ex: critical comments, demands, or intrusive questioning)? Are you experiencing feelings that may help signal something important that you need (ex: feeling hurt, sadness, loss, shame, or anxiety)?

Being able to sit down and notice your feelings can help you identify what needs to change in a relationship before you blow up or run away

4: Be aware of the costs of not paying attention

Not paying attention to both yourself and the other person is a major cause of many issues in a relationship. You may miss vital cues about the other person's needs and feelings, you may inaccurately project your own fears and feelings onto the other person, or you may blow up when caught off guard by a response that could have been predicted 

Helpful resources for all your Dialectical Behaviour Therapy needs! I will be updating this post as I find more.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by M. McKay, J. Wood and J. Brantley : A clear and concise guide to the basics of learning DBT skills.

The DBT Travel Guide app on the App Store and on Google Play: Quick list of DBT skills to try for your specific emotion, also includes an interface for diary cards.

DBTSelfHelp.com: A variety of tools including videos, articles, flash cards, DBT skills, etc.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Official Site

Therapist Aid DBT Worksheets

DBT Tools: An index of DBT skills.

FREE RESOURCES FOR LEARNING DBT:

A great website that teaches the skills is ⬇️

A great YouTube channel that has videos of Marsha (the creator of DBT)

A great podcast that teaches and discusses the skills is:

DBT RESOURCES THAT COST MONEY:

This is a great easy to learn card deck with the skills explained in concise ways.

This is a great workbook. It was made BY the lady who CREATED DBT.

This is a great book that delves into DBT at its core (and isn’t so much activity focused vs. explaining each skill)

That’s it! I’m not saying this type of therapy is FOR SURE going to be the right therapy for you, but it’s SO worth trying if you have Borderline Personality Disorder like me.

Hopefully this helps someone!

you heard me.

dont mind at all anon no worries!

I unfortunately know absolutely nothing about szpd so I cannot help u there tho I'll put this in the tag so maybe someone else can hop in with more knowledgeable advice

for the aspd, I find there aren't many benefits to an aspd diagnosis and it helped me to avoid stigma and get better help by breaking it down into my individual symptoms and working on them separately

so I went to anger management for my anger and irritability issues, a trauma based recovery program where I talked about and unpacked my childhood abuse, and then a dbt program for the rest

thankfully dbt is actually super accessible and easy to work on on ur own. I did most of that work myself with only minimal guidance from a therapist and it really made the biggest difference in helping to unlearn those disordered thought processes

here's a link to a google drive with free dbt workbooks but theres also tons and tons of online resources. how people present it varies widely tho so there is a lot of wading thru stuff that doesn't resonate until u find someone who talks about it in a way that works for u.

Super helpful to stop self destructive or toxic behaviors or preventing relapse

Check reblogs for part 2

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

In my most recent 100 Days of Productivity post, I mentioned my “Pleasant Events Planner” that I was introduced to through my DBT group. I’ve only been consistently using it the past few weeks or so, but it’s been a good tool for me! 

(Click the pictures for higher resolution!)

The first image is directly from the DBT manual by Marsha Linehan. I really recommend the book, even if someone doesn’t have direct access to a DBT group. Going over it with a therapist or even alone can be very valuable. (Not to replace DBT, but not everyone can fit DBT into their life - especially the long term programs). Here is a link to the PDF of the Pleasant Events Planner. 

The second image is from one of my favorite resources, Dbtselfhelp.com. They have a ton of free resources, all about DBT. They also have multiple diary card templates and a lot more. This is a list of pleasant event ideas. It can be big or small! Ranging from a treat of your favorite snack, to a hangout with a friend, or going out on a walk. It can be whatever you want it to be. Here is a link to the Pleasant Events Schedule (It is printable too). 

Lastly, here’s an alternative to the planner. It’s more of a diary for recording events that may have occurred. This might work if you find the first one isn’t working for you. Here’s a link to the Pleasant Events Calendar PDF. 

Here are some additional resources I also think are helpful!

More pleasant event ideas

Even more ideas!