living at a pace that kills

I’ll figure something out. I asked for time until January. I should have at least until then. And after that - 

We’ll figure it out. Whatever it is.

There will be a break soon. I can feel it.

Spoken like a true city boy. 

Tree farms are fun to go through, you know. Big and spacious with plenty of hiding places. We could take our time finding the perfect tree. And that’s just the finding. Think of how much I can reward you for your incredible strength of putting up a tree on your own. 

I am a product of my environment. 

Something needs to happen - even with my cute face and charm, there’s only so long I can excuse being away from Chicago without something worth reporting on out here. 

I know. It’s really dried up for you here.

Spiteful? Spiteful? I made you Sufganiyot, I let you light the first candle, and not once have I complained about the fact you ate all the leftover brisket like some kind of ginormous human trash compactor…I’ve been practically angelic all week. 

I want a real one, Ashford. I don’t want some small three foot tiny fake tree, I want it to feel like a real Christmas. C’mon, you can lug a giant tree into your apartment. Colette and I can decorate it for you, all you have to do is bring it in. 

I’ve got a few more I can make if I need to sway you further.

The most time I’ve ever spent with a real tree is when I sat under one in Central Park. I don’t know how to keep it alive or put it in a stand... which I probably have to buy a special one for. Plus I feel like Joker might try to eat it or fetch it or something stupid like that.

I know there’s not much weight to my theory, but you know as well as I do that it’s about as good as any at this point. And probably just as likely as finding out it was Halpert the entire time.

Then maybe you’ll have to get some. I always wanted a tree, but mom was ( understandably ) against Christmas, despite that I doubt either Colette or myself are 100% Jewish through and through. 

Besides, how am I supposed to dress up like a sexy Mrs. Claus if you don’t get me a tree to put presents under?

It’s only the 6th. I’m sure I can buy a fake one in Omaha or something soon. I wouldn’t know what to do with a real one, but I can manage to hang a few ornaments and drape a bit of tinsel.

Rude Ashford, why are you so cruel when I’m nothing but sweet to you?

I mean, that’s like the least stupid thing I did as a kid, but, yeah. It’s not like I didn’t know what I was doing. It just didn’t seem like a big deal. It was…dangerous, fun, but in retrospect…

I know you can’t give me too many details, but did you ever bring in my personal suspect for questioning?

Retrospect is a bitch. I get it.

Yeah, the Dreidel-tini is one of my favorites. If I’m ever a mixologist highlight in Bartender magazine, its tagline’s gonna be, “the drink that’ll make your head spin.”

How’s your first Hanukkah been? This is your first Hanukkah, right?

And there will be several college girls who will fall all over themselves because of your wit.

The real question is, do you have a Christmas tree? Because that’s my favorite part of the holiday.

Hope’s important and a lot of people get lost in the Holidays?? It has become material and I know I sound like a Hallmark card but if I can have good food with the people I care about that’s all that really matters, you know?

You’re right. That is very Hallmark but I won’t hold it against you. ‘Tis the season and even the most jaded of us can get a little cheery.

No one else would be badass enough to pull it off. I think it’s possibly the best article of clothing I’ve ever owned, I may even wear it on my wedding day and think of you fondly.

Oh, or a unicycle, that could also be fun. Nothing you ever give me will ever top that sweater though.

That’s cute. You’re cute. And you’re not going to scare me off. Not now. I feel good about this, about us. I mean, I let you take me out on a real date, didn’t I?

I think I’m coming around to a whole new appreciation of the holidays.

If I had known what he was going to end up doing to the girls, I would have filed something back then. But he wasn’t like that then. He was the hot dad who loved his girls and was bored in his marriage. I was just the teenager who happened to babysit his kids. 

It doesn’t help put him in jail. Which is a damn shame. But he’ll wind up there one day, or at least Jess and her mom can get the fuck away from him.

You were a kid. And shit knows I did stupid stuff as a kid too.