Nozomi Kaizoku

Hi!!!

Welcome to my Offical Tumblr!

This is where I will be posting all of my vent content (Mainly stuff regarding BPD and my thoughts on online drama), it's kind of like making a public diary lmao

I also reblog other people's vents that I relate to, so if you see me reblog your vent post, that's why :3 (if you need me to take it down, please let me know, and I will)

My spam account: @nozomi-spam

My posts on this account will contain or mention the following:

Suicide and suicidal ideation

Self harm

Any relevant drama that goes viral (ex: the YandereDev situation)

Negative perceptions of my relationships and myself

Sex, sexual topics and self sexualization

Ableism (including internalized ableism and stigma against my disorder)

Psych wards

Invalidation

Hopelessness for the future

The hardships that come with BPD (such as mood swings and dissociation)

Anxiety

Mentions of some problematic behavior I did back in 2021 (do not ask me about it btw, I'm not comfortable with going into detail and I might not remember everything)

Wanting to be in a relationship with older men (mainly with men in their 30's)

Attention-seeking behavior

Incel/Femcel stuff

Other things that might be potential triggering

If you are not comfortable with any of the above in any way, please DNI and do not come onto my page (see boundaries for other DNI criteria). I do not want my content to cause harm in any way.

Thank you.

Name: Nozomi Kaizoku, but I'm cool with Nozomi, Zomie/Zomi (doesn't matter the spelling), or just Luca(s) or Pheonix

I'm 18 (My birthday is 01/14)

Pronouns: He/she/they

Disabilities and mental conditions: autism (professionally diagnosed), ADHD (professionally diagnosed),BPD (professionally diagnosed, provisional)

Sexuality and Gender Identity: Pansexual, Aromantic, and Non-Binary (Masculine and androgynous terms for me are cool with me)

Always Welcome!! (unless you end up on the DNI list somehow)

Neurodivergent people of all kinds (especially autistic and ADHD folk)

Anyone of any mental illness

FNAF fans, canon and AU (especially Tony crynight fans)

Any race, gender, sexuality, religion, disability, etc. (this is a safe space)

Any fandom (outside of what is on the DNI)

Weird/cringe people of all kinds (furries, therians, alt fashion, etc.)

Problematic in recovery people (basically any content creators who are problematic and in the process of stopping their problematic behavior) (this s a pro-recovery page)

Just cool people in general!

Anyone 14 and over

Unless I made you an exception, DO NOT INTERACT (DNI) (you will be blocked)

anyone under 14 (I'd rather not expose anyone that's really young to any sort of content that's gonna mess them up for life. Trust me, I saw some shit I wasn't supposed to at a young age and it messed me up big time.)

Anyone who openly shares their political ideology (No hate against any of you, but I've seen way too many people get into fights over one's political viewpoint, and I'd rather not have that negativity on here. I'm considered a "leftist/democrat/liberal" incase anyone is curious, but I'm not gonna talk about it much on here)

Springtrap x Ballora shippers (most of y'all are toxic as fuck and I don't like it)

DNI (no exceptions) (you will be blocked)

Anyone who fits into these categories: Ableism (especially against neurodivergent people and anyone with "evil" mental illnesses, such as NPD or BPD), Racism, Sexism/misogyny, Homophobia/ transphobia, Antisemitism, Pro-genocide of any kind, Nazis and Neo-Nazis, pro-"life", or any sort of discrimination that I haven't listed here.

People who justify literal bullying as "criticism" (seriously, it never helps, there's a difference between actual criticism that can help someone and bullying)

Tony Crynight Anti's (this is a Tony Crynight fanpage, and as such, any hate against him will be deleted and blocked)

Personality disorder Abuse believers (eg: Narcissist abuse believers)

People who make mental illness look like a quirky trend (Eg: saying "bpd = beautiful princess disorder", "I'm so OCD" etc.) (mental illness isn't fun at all, coming from experience) (ONLY APPLIES TO NEUROTYPICALS, SOME PEOPLE WITH THE DISORDER USE THESE JOKES AS A COPING MECHANISM)

Fashion Jirais (due to harassment and spreading harmful misconceptions about mental health and the Jirai community)

Anti-recovery (especially when it comes down to mental illness)

Cancel culture participants (most of yall are anti-recovery and pro-bullying.)

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Feel free to reblog my posts if you find it relatable, but please be respectful about any criticism you have, otherwise you will be blocked.

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Bitches be like "oh my god, being neurodivergent is so silly and quirky! I wanna be neurospicey so bad!!! (^_^)/~~♫ "

until nobody likes you because despite everything the sped classes "taught" you, your social skills and charisma are so bad to the point that not even other autistic people like you or want to be around you and everyone thinks you're a shitty friend even if you try to change for them, so you're basically left without a community to support you and you're just left there to rot until you become the very thing they think of you with no way of self redemption, and you eventually give up on trying to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone and you're forced into a life of near-permanent isolation where you will eventually meet your painful and inevitable fate.

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(Might be a bit TMI but idrgaf, i just wanna rant about it)

Just bought my first legitimate sex toy today and holy shit using that thing felt amazing.

Bought this two-toned purple/clear dildo at Spencer's, and after I got home I decided to try it out. Since I wore makeup today I decided to use it in the shower.

Took me a minute to figure it out, but after I got it in I just went ham on it. (Long story short: my sister heard me and told me to keep it down)

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I don't think I'll be able to move on.

So, the split finally kicked in and I left the tony crynight fandom recently, and that's supposed to be easy, right? Like i can literally just quit and move on with my life right?

Apparently not, because for the past while i've been stalking Tony's socials over and over again and I've been having these weird fantasies about beating the shit out of tony at some convention (not sure why there of all places) with bloodshed and gore of all kinds, and i'm not sure how to really cope with this. (also extremely sexual thoughts of him for some reason???)

Literally even made 4 instagram posts and a youtube playlist just to express how much I hate him, it's that bad.

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Here's another shitty trauma core post cause why the hell not? lol

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So, as many of you know, I'm turning 18 pretty soon, and that means I have to start preparing for a birthday party. My mom's wanting to take me and my friends IRL to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate.

Thing is, I don't want to go there. I don't want to go anywhere really.

I want to stay home, since my life's only gotten worse ever since August, and it's gotten to the point where I don't really find the idea of having a party that enjoying, if anything it's just stressful thinking about it, so I don't want to bother at all.

I doubt I'd even gave a good time at Chuck E. Cheese, I'd probably just be at the tables scrolling on the internet or chatting on Discord the whole time.

And even if I had a good time there, if there's one thing I know about my life: For every good thing that happens, there's always something worse to make that good thing meaningless.

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Got bored so here's some shitty vent art cause why not? :P

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You wanna know what pisses me off to my core?

Whenever I try to interact with fellow incels (involuntary celibates) so I can interact with a community i actually feel welcome in, but most of the posts talking about incels are just calling us misogynistic pedophiles who think rape is okay (either that or some shit about the true crime community, which I don't have a problem with personally, but it's not interesting to me whatsoever). They even have the fucking nerve to compare us to shitty people like Trump or Elon Musk just to prove a point (and they've been laid before, so they don't even count).

No Susan, not all of us think that all women are sluts and think that little girls look hot (imo, i hate kids cause half the time i can't even understand them, especially anyone under my age range). And I'm saying this as a fucking woman myself, a queer and neurodivergent one for the matter (well, I'm nonbinary with a fluctuating gender expression, but you get the idea). It's true that there are a handful of sexist people in the incel community, but they do not represent us, and in my opinion, they aren't valid because they chose to be sexist assholes, therefore making them voluntary celibates.

Moids really think that it's easy for a woman to get asked out. According to sexist assholes on red pill podcasts, all a girl's gotta do is spread her legs, and boom! a dick is right in front of you.

On the other hand, you got foids out here saying that all women get raped or sexually harassed at some point in their lives. (and ooh boy would I be lucky if it happened to me.)

I hate to break it to you people, but it's not that easy.

I've only ever been asked out for sex once. by an old friend of mine.

ONCE, and my dumbass rejected that. And now I'll never have that chance because everyone's under the impression that I wouldn't enjoy it (even though I've proven otherwise). I'm pretty sure the dude has a girlfriend by now, and we've lost contact since the day he asked me out, so it's not like I can ask him anymore. Doesn't help that there's also the chance that he didn't actually want to fuck me and was just saying that he did to mock me.

And it's true I've been in relationships, and that me and two of my ex partners are close, but they never lasted any longer than like maybe a year, and that's talking about on-and-off relationships, and it's so hard to even find a partner nowadays because anytime I try to find a date, i get overlooked. And when I do find a partner, we end up breaking up because one of us is unsatisfied, therefore making the relationship a waste of time.

It's especially more difficult since I have BPD, a condition known for fucking you over in your relationships. (and fun fact: A lot of incels are also a part of a marginalized group, and that alone contributes to our celibacy)

What's worse is that being in a relationship has always been a goal of mine since the idea of dating and love became a concept to me, but you know what they say: Don't make goals you can't achieve.

I've been genuinely depressed because it doesn't matter how much effort I put into my looks, or how social I am, or really anything. No guy is ever going to want to fuck me. Not even some pedophile who gets horny over teenage girls would look at me and think I'm hot, that's how bad it is.

And because of that (plus other forms of childhood trauma I've experienced), I've begun to grow an extreme hatred to society (though for me it's a trauma response regardless of my sex life). I hate how people have set this high ass expectations for women, especially the sex part. People expect us to be able to have sex or find a partner with no issues, and it just-- AUGHHH.

I never ASKED to be a virgin, i never asked to be an incel, I NEVER ASKED TO BE UNDESIRABLE. This is the life I'm forced to live, and it's unbearable.

Go ahead and tell me that I'm a sexist pedo who thinks rape is okay (even though that's not the case at all), i don't care. I'm sick of the people who use our sex lives that we don't have control over as a comeback for their argument, and I'm tired of the way people treat us. You can call out misogyny, sexism, toxic masculinity, etc. without making it about our sexual history.

I'm gonna say what nobody else is willing to say: Being anti incel is also anti-feminist since it reinforces toxic masculinity, not only that, but also sets yet another unrealistic expectation for women. And a lot more.

Seriously, why should I have to suffer just cause YOU can't admit you're a slutty asshole??

Anyway, I gotta head to bed, I can't deal with this BS anymore, and I have a stream planned tomorrow at 6 or 7 pm.

Btw, if anyone wants ACTUAL representation of what being an incel is like, i recommend watching the anime "Watatome".

Even thought the main plot focuses on the struggles of social anxiety (which is common amongst incels) and the need for popularity, it does touch on the topic of incel culture from the perspective of an incel (though Tomoko, the main character, doesn't realize she's one, and even flat out denies it throuout the series, which is yet another experience that some incels have, and in particular it was my experience when I first discovered I was an incel).

It's not available on any streaming services due to copyright, but season one is available on the internet archive, and you can watch it here!

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I feel bad.

So, You guys know how I said that I was gonna do livestreaming n shit?

Well, I had completely forgotten that I barely have any experience with livestreaming, and when I went live yesterday to test some of the features... I was a stuttering mess, got really nervous, and had to end it before anyone joined.

I tried getting advice on how to deal with this issue, but none of the "advice" i was given was any helpful, so i don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm not only lying to you guys, but that I just wasted my money on a brand new computer for nothing.

What's worse is that this was my only plan on how to make money and not be some useless freeloader, since who's gonna hire a mentally ill and chronically online 17yo with no job experience?

Atp, i'm not sure why i bother even trying anymore. Still though, I thought i'd ask:

12/23/2024

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I just found out that one of my cats is dying from intestinal complications, and my sister's devastated. And i feel like shit rn cause i'm struggling to feel anything about this. meanwhile she's crying her eyes out knowing there's nothing she can do to save her (the cat).

Granted: this was expected, since she was born premature, and her vision made trying to eat and use the litter box extremely difficult, but none of us expected her to die so soon..

What's worse is that where I live, euthanizing a cat costs about $75-100, so she's forced to die a slow death, and I just-...

Rn, my sister's pissed at me because me and my dad didn't tell her the night before when we found out (when she got home she immediately got on the couch and fell asleep, so we couldn't tell her), and I'm sitting here feeling guilty about it.

Fuck I hate lacking empathy so much...