hell is too cold

part of the reason why I find Xie Lian’s character arc so compelling is that his story grapples with the tangled issues of privilege, power, and morality. in his youth, as the beloved Crown Prince of Xianle, of course Xie Lian can afford to compassionate and charitable, because he wants for nothing and can infinitely provide out of the coffers of the royal family. He has a simplistic, black-and-white view of the world. Just do the right thing, he says, as if it’s obvious, as if it’s easy, as if it’s that simple

when faced with the thought experiment of the two people dying of thirst in the desert, and the single cup of water--if you were a god, asks his teacher, who would you give the water to?--a young, arrogant, undefeated Xie Lian, a Xie Lian who has yet to come face-to-face with a power greater than himself, flippantly chooses a third path of impossible optimism, and while it’s admirable, it’s also aggravating, naive, and impractical

this of course, comes back to haunt Xie Lian in book four, dogging his footsteps as he crawls his way through the mortal world, hemmed in on all sides by the strictures of conduct, the incessant demands of survival. we see Xie Lian pushed to and past his limits; we see the way his vaunted morals crumble in the face of hunger and desperation and need. where is the third path, when you are one of those people dying in the desert, and there is only one cup of water? what is the point of being a god if you can’t even save the people you love?

we see Xie Lian’s belief in goodness and righteousness stretch and bend under the pressure of everything he’s put through--and we see it shatter. 

Xie Lian loses faith. Xie Lian has his belief in the worthiness of morality and compassion crushed to smithereens, left smeared across the floor of an abandoned temple in his own blood and viscera. after chapter 190, we come to know a terrifying Xie Lian whose heart has frozen over, who will lie and cheat and steal and kill without batting an eye. this Xie Lian dons the mask of his worst enemy and does it justice

there is a dead space, a blank space, an unwritten space in the narrative following the immense trauma of chapter 190. two months go by after blood spills onto the floor of an abandoned temple and flame chars the corpses inside to ash, and we don’t know what happens to Xie Lian in those two months, except that Bai Wuxiang is there, and Bai Wuxiang is watching over him, and Bai Wuxiang sends Xie Lian off down the mountain with the black sword that was both agent and accessory to his suffering

but. but. even after all that--even after all that--there is still some of that old Xie Lian left, an ember not gone completely cold. he leaves the door open. he gives humanity another chance

and humanity nearly fails that second test, that last test; that ember of hope, of belief, of faith comes so close to being snuffed out, but all it takes is a straw hat in the rain, a single moment’s kindness, unasked for, freely given, even if it’s accompanied with grumbling and insults and no shortage of cursing

the full force of Xie Lian’s belief comes surging back, and even though he is still fettered by the cursed shackle around his throat, Xie Lian is back, once more full of the power and agency and divine goodness that makes him who he truly is, the beloved taizi-dianxia of Xianle, whose beauty was matched only by his goodness, whose power was only matched by the depth of his benevolence

it is the strength of his belief in what is good and right and worthy that carries him through the end of book four, to a battered and bruised and dearly-bought victory snatched from the jaws of despair and disillusionment and destruction, and it is this same ironclad belief that leads him to scattering his allotted luck, carries him through another seven hundred and seventy years of unending misfortune with, impossibly, a smile on his face and laughter on his lips

Xie Lian’s faith is tested, and Xie Lian’s faith fails him. but faith isn’t something that, once lost, can never be restored. faith is forgiving, faith is enduring, and sometimes all it takes is for one brief moment, one tiny action to restore it to full, blazing glory

we first meet Xie Lian, eight centuries into this life, and he is still travelling, still doing good deeds. one would think, after a few centuries, after book four, that Xie Lian is entitled to a retirement, or at least a vacation

but when people cry out for help, he goes to them. when a traveller stops by his temple with news of vanishing caravans, he doesn’t hesitate, journeys to distant Banyue to investigate. Xie Lian doesn’t stop, doesn’t give up, because he’s found his calling and harmonized it with his being