STOP. moment of gratitude for those precious times of breathing from your nostrils when you don't have a stuffy nose

Everyone who doesn't have a headache right now, stop right now for a moment and appreciate how good it is not to have a headache.

one of the funniest parts abt the stardew valley community is that no one questions the hat mouse. like yeah it's a mouse that lives in the woods? and sells u hats? what's the issue

The game starts with you inheriting tax free property. When you start out with something that fantastical a hat mouse is just normal.

Still feels weird that the same band made "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" and "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)"

It's like if Smash Mouth and Fall Out Boy were one band.

The Offspring are honestly a contender for the funniest punk band ever, made even funnier by the fact that Dexter Holland is pushing 60 now and has a PhD in virology.

Like imagine being on an academic committee and reviewing a dissertation on HIV protein-encoding genomes and it's from a guy with frosted tips whose greatest legacy is the Crazy Taxi soundtrack.

That's the Offspring.

The hook from "Come Out And Play" was created because Dexter Holland was doing lab work and did, in fact, have to keep certain petri dishes separated while disinfecting them. So he kept saying "gotta keep 'em separated" to himself while working, and it stuck in his head so badly that it made it into the song.

A role model for all of us indecisive people who want to do and try anything and everything.

Still feels weird that the same band made "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" and "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)"

It's like if Smash Mouth and Fall Out Boy were one band.

The Offspring are honestly a contender for the funniest punk band ever, made even funnier by the fact that Dexter Holland is pushing 60 now and has a PhD in virology.

Like imagine being on an academic committee and reviewing a dissertation on HIV protein-encoding genomes and it's from a guy with frosted tips whose greatest legacy is the Crazy Taxi soundtrack.

That's the Offspring.

The hook from "Come Out And Play" was created because Dexter Holland was doing lab work and did, in fact, have to keep certain petri dishes separated while disinfecting them. So he kept saying "gotta keep 'em separated" to himself while working, and it stuck in his head so badly that it made it into the song.

A role model for all of us indecisive people who want to do and try anything and everything.

The trope where people don't recognize each other because it's been so long since they last interacted and they've both changed so much that they're basically strangers UNTIL one of them does their Signature Thing™ and the other just stops dead because oh. It's YOU. All at once it's so clearly you

This flavor of reblog to this post always makes me laugh so hard thank you

Okay so since I'm in a mood to actually tell it, does anyone want to hear the story of the most questionable vodka I've ever had?

Yes. Tell me the tale of the forbidden vodka.

Okay before I begin, I want to define my term. “Most Questionable Vodka” is an award not for a vodka of dubious origin, but rather for a vodka whose design, name, and taste were all odd choices. I have had dubious vodka, both in flavor and quality of manufacture. My friends used to make Skittles vodka which just consisted of putting skittles in a bottle of vodka and tossing it in the freezer for a few days. What I’m saying is that this story is about something whose existence was something you have to come to terms with. With that out of the way, lets go on to the story.

Back when i lived in Santa Fe, I used to go to this bar called Cowgirl a lot. I didn’t really have a lot of money because I was a college student with no job but I went anyways to hang with friends and also grab a drink or two. One night, as we were talking with the bartender, I noticed a bottle at the end of the shelf closest to me. I was immediately curious about this bottle. Why? Because it was a type of vodka I was unfamiliar with? Well yes but it also had one other trait that jumped out: it was green. 

Now, I don’t mean that the bottle was green. In fact, the bottle was white frosted glass. I mean the liquid inside was green. And not just green. A BRIGHT green. A neon green. A violent green. To my eyes it seemed to almost glow in the dark bar. You know how some animals are brightly colored to signal that they’re poisonous? Something to keep in mind.

“WHAT is THAT?!” I shouted calmly to the bartender.

With a smile pulled the offending bottle off the shelf and showed it to me so i could read the label. THe brand was Three Olives. The flavor?

“‘Dude’?! The flavor is ‘DUDE’?! What the hell does ‘DUDE’ taste like?!!!” Now, years later i would find out what dudes taste like but more importantly I would like to point out that “what does dude taste like” is not a wise thing to shout in a crowded bar. Luckily, no one noticed, or they were too busy in their own problems to care.

“Oh I have no idea,” said the bartender, “they won’t let us open the bottle until a customer orders it so we can’t taste it but we can’t sell it because we don’t know what it tastes like.”

I thought about it for a whole second, which is about ten years in ADHD time, and made an executive decision. I was going to be that customer.

“I would like a shot of DUDE please!” I said, a little too loudly.

I have never seen a man open a bottle that fast. I mean one second it was back on the shelf where he placed it after showing to to me, and the next he was pouring a shot and no intervening steps could be seen. I mean he broke the sound barrier, the sonic boom momentarily silencing the bar. I mean the top of the bottle disappeared and to this day I have no idea if it was a cork or a screw cap that sealed the contents from the outside world.

I looked at my shot. It was no less green outside the bottle. My enthusiasm faltered slightly. Slightly. I drank it. 

Okay there’s really no way around this: it tasted like Mountain Dew. Flat Mountain Dew. Mixed with rubbing alcohol. 

I looked at the bartender. He had tasted it too. I could see we had come to the same conclusion. We never talked about it again

He never did charge me for the shot.

Any idiot can like something thats good. It takes a real genius to like things that suck ass

elf liberalism probably goes insane

"elf liberalism is basically the same as gnome fascism" - phrase that has been echoing in my head for the past 30 minutes

What the fuck does this mean?

its not my job to educate you

the man who owns and runs the thai restaurant in my town knows me by name. he is one of the kindest and most thoughtful men i know. i started ordering from his place back in january, which was when i got my fibromyalgia diagnosis. back then i was using a walker, had limited mobility in my entire body but especially my hands, and was very visibly in pain. i always ordered the same thing: yellow curry with no meat, potatoes and carrots only (i have texture and other dietary issues). he always made it a point to make sure i could get out the door and carry the food safely. he had his workers package the food so that it was easier for me to open. as i kept coming back and i told him a little bit about my health status, he would always encourage me to keep going. he told me about how the spices he used were good for inflammation and began to edit the recipe just for me so that spices that were even better for fighting inflammation were used. he’d give me extra portions and despite the fact that i would tip every time, i realized later that he never charged my card for them. as time went on and my condition began to get better, especially with the help of a physical therapist, he would make encouraging remarks and tell me how happy he was for me. the day i came in without my walker, he practically jumped for joy, and despite my insistence, he gave me my meal for free that day. i continue to make progress with my conditions and i continue to go to the thai place. this man who does not know me personally and who i hardly know anything about is one of my favorite people. it’s interactions with humans like these that make loving life easier. and his curry really does help my chronic condition. it’s comfort food taken to the next level.

i think his funniest tweet is the pic of just the oval office but it has a gamer chair 

I’m voting for him

Some of these are legitimately good takes

people needdddd to wear headphones in public because while on an otherwise very lovely walk in the park today i saw a guy sitting under a tree watching a porn parody of the star wars prequels

I've learned the hard way that you need to make sure everybody present is familiar with this tweet before attempting to quote it or else everyone is going to recreate that photo of those college students holding solo cups staring at you with disgust

sometimes you’ll see a post on the dash with a hundred something notes, and you won’t think twice about it until you scroll and realize with a sense of horror that all of those notes were from a single person, that person being your mutual, and suddenly your dash is just a single photo of a lobster for the next couple hours

sometimes you’ll see a post on the dash with a hundred something notes, and you won’t think twice about it until you scroll and realize with a sense of horror that all of those notes were from a single person, that person being your mutual, and suddenly your dash is just a single photo of a lobster for the next couple hours