Holy Musical B@Man! Script: Written by Matt & Nick Lang, With Lyrics and Music by Nick Gage and Scott Lamps

HOLY MUSICAL B@MAN!
Script
WRITTEN BY MATT & NICK LANG, WITH LYRICS
AND MUSIC BY NICK GAGE AND SCOTT LAMPS
This parody musical is extracted and reorganized solely for the enjoyment of ourselves at Starcatcher
Productions and other fans. It is no way sponsored, approved, endorsed by or affiliated with DC Comics,
Warner Bros., Starkid Productions, or any of their affiliates.
2
Cast of Characters
Batman—the lonely and sad Dark Knight that Gotham deserves
Robin (may be played by a woman)—Batman’s slightly frantic, bare legged, “shitty” side-kick
Superman—the egocentric Man of Steel that nobody appreciates
Alfred Pennyworth—Mr. Wayne’s many faced British butler
The Green Lantern—the Justice League’s go to man if in need of a Rolling Rock or Heineken
Commissioner Gordon (may be played by a woman)—the old, and trusted chief of police
Police Chief O’Hara—the GCPD’s hysterical chief
Sweet Tooth—the Candy Prince of Crime, terrorizing the city with his crazy candy puns
Two-Face—the neglected and laughed upon duo-criminal of Gotham
Poison Ivy—the sexy, plant loving, criminal of the Rogue’s Gallery
Catwoman—the feisty, exotic criminal of Gotham who is ready to pounce on anyone in her way
Mr. Freeze—he’s got ice in his veins
Scarecrow—one of many of Gotham’s criminals who tries to poison the water supply
Riddler (may be played by a woman)—one of Batman’s iconic villains
Penguin—the clever, deformed bird-like man who has the Twitter market cornered
Candy—Sweet Tooth’s crazy, erotic, partner in crime
Rachel Dawes—one of many, Batman’s lovers who always gets thrown into terrible situations
Vicki Vale—Channel 7 news reporter
Sherlock Holmes—EVIL Sherlock Holmes; feel the wrath of his Heat-Ray
Egghead—another one of Batman’s, pun-filled, ‘stupid’ villains
Joe—Sweet Tooth’s left-hand man
Gob—Sweet Tooth’s right-hand man
Chilly Willy—Penguin’s large, fun-sized, cute, murdering penguin
Mr. Mxyzptlk—one of many lame Superman villains
Donald Trump—President of the U.S.A (“Not my president”)
Eddie—the smart, yet dumb, Brooklyn-speaking mobster of Gotham
Matches Malone—Eddie’s dumb, Brooklyn-speaking pal
Doctor Meridian—an animal psychologist
Calendar Man (may be played by a woman)
Narrator
Shopkeeper
Gotham Citizen
Hostage
Gangsters
Pizza Deliverers
Construction Workers
Geeks
Secret Service Officers
Super Friends
3
ACT ONE
Scene 1—Dark Alleyway
(Batman kneels by himself in a trench coat, lit by a single spotlight. He looks lonely and sad.
With a loud gunshot, Batman’s father falls to the ground, Narrator sings offstage:
Song: Holy Musical B@man
Narrator: One shot. (Second gunshot, Batman’s mother falls to the ground)
Two shots in the night
And they’re gone
And he’s all left alone.
He’s just one boy.

Two dead at his feet
And their blood stains the street
And there’s nothing.
No, there’s nothing he can do…
(Exit dead parents. Batman takes off his trench coat to reveal his Batman! He stands and begins
to boldly show-off his combat skills. Lights slowly pick up.)
Except, be the baddest man

That there’s ever been
He’s gonna carry the weight
He’s gonna get revenge!
He’s got Gotham

He’ll never refuse ‘em
He’s got bat nun chunks (Batman pulls out his Bat-Nunchucks and spins them around.)
And boy, he knows how to use ‘em!
(Enter Alfred with Batman’s cowl and gloves)
One man,
One bat in a cave
With a city to save
He makes one vow

Two lives he will lead
He’ll protect those in need
And there’s nothing (Exit Alfred. Batman dramatically places his cowl on)
No, there’s nothing he can’t do…
(Black Out. Exit Batman)

4
Scene 2—Shipyard
(Lights up. Enter Eddie and Matches looking around)

Eddie: (Smoking a cigarette/chewing a toothpick) Alrights yous goons. Take these here drugs,
put ‘em into these here guns, then hand them out to those gambling the prostitutes—ah yeah
yeah yeah ahaha…
Matches: I dunno ‘bout this. Should we really be doing these illegal activities in a children’s
hospital, for orphans?
Eddie: Why not!?
Matches: Word on the streets is that Five Finger Scoletti was running a speakeasy uptown, but
he got iced…by the Bat.
Eddie: Shuts yah choppers, Matches. There ain’t no such thing as a Bat. Now hurry up, we got
lots more racketeering to do tonight—ah yeah yeah yeah ahaha…
Matches: Well, then it’s a good thing I brought… (pulls out a tennis racket) my racket.
Eddie: Oh Matches, you make me laugh like nobody else! Now whadya you say we go grab a
delicious Coca-Cola™—
(Something bangs. Lights dim)
Eddie: What was dat?
Matches: It sounded just like a bat.
(Another bang. Blackout.)
Eddie: Gasp! What happened to the lights? Ah yeah yeah yeah ahaha…
Matches: I can’ts sees nothing. It’s like I’m blind. Blind as…
(Enter Batman)
Batman: A bat!
(Lights flicker. Batman kicks the crap out of Eddie and Matches. Fight sounds)
Batman: Fractured jaw! Broken Ribs! Ruptured spleen!
Eddie: (In agony) Agh! Matches!
Batman: Shattered tibia!
Eddie: What tibia? (Batman breaks Eddie’s leg) Agh, my fuckin’ tibia!
Batman: That’ll teach you dabble in crime once. Support your families like the rest of us, be
born billionaires. TEAR GAS!
(Exit Batman, Eddie and Matches. Blackout)
Scene 3—Streets of Gotham
(Enter Commissioner Gordon and Police Chief O’Hara upstage with flashlights. Lights up as
they make their way downstage.)
O’Hara: Commissioner Gordon, get a load of this! Another pair of goons hanging upside down
from a lamppost!
Gordon: Oh my! What could have done this?! What do you think Dr. Meridian?
(Ender Doctor Meridian. Exit O’Hara)
Meridian: In all my years as an animal psychologist I have only encountered one creature to
exhibit such behavior…a bat.
Gordon: GASP!
(Enter O’Hara with a note)
5
O’Hara: Commissioner, those goons we cut down had a note attached to them.
Gordon: Well, maybe we should read it!?
O’Hara: (Reading the note) It says: criminals of Gotham… Fear me! And then it’s
signed…Bruce Wayne, but then that’s crossed out and underneath it’s written… Batman!
(Enter ensemble that begins to dance and enter Narrator who continues to sing:
Narrator: And he’s catching those crooks

With his grappling hooks
He’s here to save the day
It makes me want to say…
Ensemble: Holy Musical Batman!

Holy Musical Batman!
(Exit ensemble. Enter O’Hara who approaches Gordon in a hurry)
O’Hara: Commissioner, it happened again! The whole Valtrini mob is hanging outside down
from a lamppost! (Exit O’Hara in another frantic hurry)
Gordon: Oh…Peaches! I’m baffled…how does a bat become a man? And why does he have
such a strong sense of justice? Does he want fruit or blood?! (Gordon’s cellphone rings.
Answering: ) Hello, this is Commissioner Gordon, you better have some good news.
(Enter Batman upstage on the phone)
Batman: Tonight will be a night of terror! (Hangs up phone.)
(Exit Batman)
Gordon: Well, that’s terrible news!
(Exit Commissioner Gordon. Blackout.)
Scene 4—Shipyard
(Enter four ‘Brooklyn’ gangsters. Dimmed lights)

Gangster 1: Yo! Is yous here for the illegal deal or what?
Gangster 2: I sure am, you got that money?
Gangster 1: Yeah, if you gots the shipment of pirated DVD’s.
Gangster 2: I sure do! Dunno who would want this many copies of Notting Hill, but shit, boss’s
orders.
Gangster 1: Well let’s just load them on the truck…
(A loud sound of a jet breaking the sound barrier. Lights flicker.)
Gangster 3: What was dat!?
Gangster 4: Sounded like a sonic boom, as if something breaking the sound barrier. Something
like… a bat…
(Enter Batman up-stage in a cardboard cut-out of the Bat-Plane)
Gangster 2: Whoa! Look up there in the sky! It’s a plane, a high-tech plane! It’s shooting
missiles at us!
Gangster 1: Quick boys, shoot it down with these here vintage tommy guns!
6
(Gangsters pull out plastic guns and begin to make fake gun noises.)
Batman: Hahaha, nice try punks but I’m three miles above the earth’s surface. Don’t even
bother looking up. You should be more worried about your patella tendons.
Gangster 4: Why should we be worried about our patella tendons?
Batman: This!
(Gun fire. The gangsters fall to the ground, cradling their knees)
Gangster 3: Oh God help me, I’ll never walk again!
Batman: God’s not up here, only Batman!
(Exit Batman and the four gangsters. Blackout.)
(Enter Shopkeeper stage left, lit by a spotlight)

Shopkeeper: (joyfully) Ah, oh boy, what a day. Well I’m plain ol’ beat. Well, I’ll just lock up
my ol’store and head home to my loving wife Belinda. She’s probably cooking up some tasty
lasagna. Well… (Notices something in his apron pocket) Oh! What’s this? (Pulls out a dollar
bill) Huh, well that’s a dollar bill. I must’ve taken it from the register by accident. Should I
return it now or in the morning? You know what, I’ll just do it in the morning.
(Enter Batman, up-stage in his Bat-Plane)
Batman: Stop thief!
(Gun fire. Shopkeeper screams over-dramatically to his death. Spotlight out.)
(Exit Batman and Shopkeeper. Enter Commissioner Gordon upstage and Vicki Vale with
Gotham citizens downstage who swarm Commissioner Gordon with mics and recorders)
Gordon: Alright that’s my name and you’re wearing it out. Everybody calm down and I’ll take
your questions!
Vicki: Commissioner, Vicki Vale here from Channel 7 news.
Gordon: (with excitement) Hey Vicki.
Vicki: My viewers are wondering what were those terrible noises and explosions that rocked
Gotham last night.
Gordon: Well that uh… that appears to be the work of the Batman.
All: Batman? (to audience) Rabble rabble rabble!
Gordon: Yes, it appears he has a plane…
Vicki: A plane!?
All: (to audience) Ooh!
Vicki: Well, what’re you gonna do about it?
Gordon: Well nothing, I’m not gonna tell Batman what to do, he’s Batman!
(Ensemble begins to dance; Narrator emerges from the crowd and sings:
Narrator: To fight the fiends and the foul

He’ll don the cape and the cowl

7
(Exit Gordon and Ensemble. Lights dim, leaving a lit spotlight on Vicki Vale)
Vicki: (Reporting a news story as if on TV) Another Mob boss brought to justice today by the
Batman, but as his crime fighting career continues, we ask, who is the man behind the mask?
(Exit Vicki. Blackout.)
Scene 6—Streets of Gotham (cont.)
(Lights up. Enter two Pizza Deliverers stage right who begin to mime working in the kitchen.)
Deliverer 1: Hey, we got another pizza to deliver, and get this, it’s for Batman!
Deliverer 2: Oh wow! Where we headed?
Deliverer 1: Uh… (Reading the pizza box) Wayne Manor.
Deliverer 2: Huh… I wonder if that Bruce Wayne knows that Batman lives under his house…
Deliverer 1: He probably does, God bless him, and God bless Batman! You know what
everybody; this pizza… is on the house!
(Enter Ensemble and Narrator singing:
Narrator: And he’s breaking up gangs

With his Bat-Boomerangs

(Ensemble gather around, as if watching TV downstage right. Enter Commissioner Gordon and
Vicki Vale stage left, lit by a single spotlight)
Vicki: (as if on TV) Vicki Vale from Channel 7 news and I’m sitting down here with police
Commissioner Gordon. Now Commissioner, a lot of people are saying that the Batman is doing
your job. So, I gotta ask, do the GCPD and the Caped Crusader work together? What is the deal?
Gordon: Well, Batman sent me this message and he wants me to read it on the air, if you don’t
mind.
Vicki: Please!
Gordon: (reading the message form his cellphone) Dear people of Gotham…
(Lights up on Batman up-stage who begins narrating his message.)
Batman: Your police force is inept and useless. Your elected officials are as useless as they are
stupid, and your judicial system is nothing more than an elaborate hoax run by the fat cat crooks
it was created to destroy. But none of that matters, because I’m not fighting for the cops, city hall
or even you! I’m fighting for me, this is my war now. I am vengeance, I am the night, so STAY
OUT OF MY WAY!
Gordon: …Love Batman.
8
Batman: …Love Batman.

(Lights up on Ensemble)
Deliverer 1: Wow, he’s such a dark hero!
Deliverer 2: He’s so angsty!
Shopkeeper: And I wouldn’t want him any other way!
(Ensemble breaks and begins to dance again)
Gordon: Alright everybody, pizza is on me!

Vicki: (Broadcasting during chorus) Batman strikes again, defeating his arch nemesis, the Joker.
After his last battle with the Caped Crusader, the Joker was last seen falling from the greater
Gotham Bridge. Though his body has not yet been found, it is unlikely the Joker survived his
latest encounter with the Batman… This just in! Joker’s body has been found at Gotham Pier. He
is dead!
Ensemble: Batman!
(They all hold up their fists. Exit Batman, Gangsters, Clark Kent, and Vicki Vale.)
Scene 7—City Hall
(Lights up on: Commissioner Gordon, Chief Police O’Hara, Pizza Deliverers 1 & 2, Shopkeeper
and other Gotham citizens.)
Gordon: Alright. Oh boy. Good job everybody. Now, welcome! Welcome, welcome to the 200th
birthday of Gotham. I’m pleased to announce that the city’s crime rates are at an all-time low.
(Citizens and Gordon pull out their guns and fire hysterically in the air as they cheer.)
Gordon: Yep, still the highest in the world but we’re working on it! We owe it all to our beloved
Dark Knight, which is why we are gathered here today to honor him with a key to the city!
(Citizen enters with a cardboard cut-out of a large key to the city.)
Gordon: (looking around) Now, where’s that key? Oh… (spots the key and hands his gun in
exchange for the key) Oh, I’ll trade yeah… Now, to present him with the key is a very special
guest, all the way from Metropolis.
All: Ooo!
Gordon: Yup! So, everybody get pumped, because he should be here any minute.
(Loud whooshing sound)
Gordon: What was dat!?
9
Deliverer 1: It’s an attack

(Everyone begins to freak out.)
Shopkeeper: Protect the women and children!
(Enter Batman in his Bat-Plane.)
Batman: (laughing) Striking terror. Best part of the job.
Gordon: Oh, hang on. Look, up there in the sky…that’s just Batman in his plane! Oh, he got us
again with his good nature prank.
Deliverer 1: Flying his sonic jet through the city streets, classic Batman!
Deliverer 2: I love you Batman!
Batman: Look at all those wretched pinhead puppets, they all look like bullseyes from up here…
Shopkeeper: You saved my life Batman, don’t know how I could ever repay you!
Batman: Let my parents die, will you? Well you’re all criminals in my eyes! You just haven’t
committed any crimes yet, but when you do I’ll be there. I’m everywhere! I’m the fastest thing in
the… (Loud whooshing sound) …What was dat!?
Deliverer 1: (Pointing) Hey, look up there in the sky, it’s a bird!
Batman: Oh no, not here…
Deliverer 2: No, you bonehead, that’s Batman’s plane!
Batman: Not now!
Shopkeeper: It’s…Captain Marvel!
Batman: Not him…
(Enter Superman through the door)
Superman: No, it’s Superman! (Begins flying across stage and upstage to Batman)
Shopkeeper: Look, it’s Captain Marvel, all the way from Metropolis!
Superman: It’s Superman. (to Batman) Woah, what do we got here? License and registration
please. Ha, I’m just kidding!
Batman: Ugh. Eat my dust you super, slowpoke! Turbo drive activate!
(Batman rushes downstage stage, creating his own sound effects for his Bat-Plane)
Superman: Oh, I see, you wanna race huh?
Shopkeeper: Everyone check it out, Captain Marvel and Batman are racing. Go get him
Batman!
(Cheers)
Superman: Oh man, are my limitless powers about to run out? Ah, no!?
(Superman flies off stage, causing Batman to spin around in circles as he passes him)
Batman: What the hell. Where did he go?!
Superman: (Enters from the other side of the stage) Behind you! I just flew around the world.
(Flies off stage again, then quickly returns with a rock.) Back from space! Moon rock?
Batman: (angry) NO!
Superman: Okay.
(Superman throws the rock off stage, and then flies across Batman causing him to spin around in
circles again as he exits for a short while.)
Superman: (Pulling Riddler on stage) Hey, I caught The Riddler, you were looking for this guy,
right?
Batman: Hey! Put down my villain!
Superman: Okay! (Throws Riddler offstage)
Deliverer 1: Hey, his plane isn’t that scary. It lost the race.
Shopkeeper: It can’t even beat Captain Marvel!
10
(Laughs from Superman and Gotham citizens)

Gordon: Alrighty Batman, you come down from your cute little plane and get your key to the
city!
Deliverer 1: Yeah, come on down here, you hero!
Deliverer 2: Hey, maybe he’s not in there. Maybe the plane is set on auto-pilot.
Superman: (Landing) No no no no no. He’s in there… (to citizens) Oh, X-ray vision. (to
Batman) Hey! Come on down here Batman!
Batman: Aargh! (Exit Batman)
(Enter Batman without his plane. With his head down, he makes his way towards everyone.)
Superman: (Clapping) The Cape Crusader, nice to finally meet you. Hey, I’m Superman.
(Two crates are brought downstage.)
Batman: Yeah…duh! Let’s just get this over with.
(Batman and Superman sit down on the crates.)
Gordon: Alright everybody, now that the honored guest is here we can begin the ceremony…
(sotto voce) Now when I wrote Huckleberry Finn… (lights fade out on Gordon and co.)
Superman: Hey…hey dude. Sorry if I embarrassed you back there. I can’t always help how
powerful I am, you know?
Batman: (annoyed) Yeah…sure. (getting a little excited) But you must have some weakness?
Superman: Hmmm? Umm, nope.
Batman: Oh…okay. Not even Kryptonite?
Superman: (surprised) Where’d you hear that from?
Batman: From Lex Luther… at golf. He also told me you can’t see through led, which is why
my mask is lined with it! It’s alright, (pats Superman on his leg) some of us superheroes like
having secret identities…Clark Kent!
(Gordon and co. turn around and glance at Superman)
Superman: (Yelling) Who’s that? I don’t even know who that is.
Batman: That’s funny, because it’s you.
Superman: Prove it!
Batman: Okay, I will! (Pulls out a pair of glasses from his Bat-Belt and quickly puts them on
Superman)
Superman: (annoyed) Oh, God dammit! (Removes glasses and crushes them behind Batman,
creating a diamond ring) Hey, did you lose a diamond ring?
Batman: (chuckles) Huh. Thank you. I’ll give it to Lois Lane tonight, after I naked her.
Superman: Hey, that’s a pretty nice plane you got over there.
Batman: Thanks, I built it myself.
Superman: You know, you should get it looked at because it’s not very fast.
Batman: (containing his anger and lies to make himself sound cool) Well, yes. Of course, it’s
not very fast because its… my old plane.
Superman: Old plane?
Batman: Yeah!
Superman: Really?
Batman: Uh huh.
Superman: You have another one?
Batman: Yeah. It’s my new plane and I don’t bring it out during the day, so you’ll probably
never see it, but it is FAST!
Superman: Oh really!? How fast?
11
Batman: Faster than you!

Superman: (with sass) You don’t know how fast I am. I’m so fast that if I wanted to I can fly
around the world ‘til it started traveling in the opposite direction then everything will go back in
time, okay? You’ll be a little baby, and I’ll spank you, like a little bat…child.
Batman: (slowly leaning in) No you couldn’t.
Superman: How do you know?
Batman: (smiling) Cause you don’t know who I am.
Superman: Fuck you.
Batman: (gets up in anger) FUCK YOU!!
(lights up on Gordon and co. gasping while covering their ears.)
Batman: Forget this! I’m out of here.
(Batman dramatically exits. Gordon and co. sigh)
Deliverer 1: He vanished…
Gordon: Yep, he’s always like this, gotta love him.
Deliverer 2: Hey, three cheers for Batman!
All: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers…
Superman: Alright, citizens, citizens! Let’s not overexert ourselves. (beat) Commissioner, I was
thinking. You know, being a hero myself, (to audience) the first hero by the way, (to Gordon)
that I can accept that key on behalf of Batman. Or you know, you can just give it to me? Since I
am all around faster, and more powerful, and all around super-irior to Batman—
Deliverer 1: Hey! Quit picking on Batman, why don’t yeah?
Superman: (tries to grab the key from Commissioner Gordon) I’m not picking on anybody, I’m
just stating facts…Batman is not that great.
(Gordon and co. freak out)
Deliverer 2: Not that great?! He may not have superpowers or nothing, but he’s a Gotham boy.
He protects us, you know?
Shopkeeper: You mess with one of us; you mess with all of us.
All: Yeah!
(Gordon and co. draw and point their guns at Superman)
Deliverer 1: Hey, take this you super smuck.
(They begin to shoot Superman, who simply deflects the bullets off his chest.)
Superman: Hey, don’t shoot me! (continues to deflect the rapid fire) Crimany! (Blows Gordon
and co. off stage)
(Black out as Superman flies away.)
Scene 8—The Bat Cave
(Lights up on Alfred strutting around stage. A few crates are placed in a neat pile with a rotary
dial phone on top. Plane landing sound. Enter Batman upstage in a fluster.)
Alfred: (Michael Caine/British accent) Welcome home, sir.
Batman: (Angry) Eeeeerraaaaghh! Get rid of it! I never want to see it again.
Alfred: What are you talking about, sir?
Batman: The plane, Alfred!
Alfred: But Master Wayne, you love this plane.
Batman: No. I hate that plane. It’s a slow plane. Just destroy it!
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Alfred: (annoyed) It’s not just your plane. It’s your father’s plane, and it’s all that’s left of him.
Don’t destroy it.
Batman: Fine. Then, get rid of it. I don’t know. Send it to Spider-Man. Who cares? Just get it
out of my sight!
Alfred: Now, there’s an idea, Spider-Man can use a good plane.
(Batman sits down on a crate and takes off his mask)
Batman: This world… (beat) It’s rotten, Alfred, rotten to the core. It’s just full of people who…
(starts to cry) kill your parents and… (gets angry) fly faster than your plane! You know, the one
thing that made me happy? The one thing that I liked, was being more powerful than everyone
else. Soaring God-like in the sky, blasting laser-guided-precision-missiles, crippling misguided
youngsters that I’d never met! Made me feel like I was worth a damn. (gets up. Beat.) But… (sits
back down slowly) if I can’t even fly faster than Superman… I might as well die. (weeps over-
dramatically)
Alfred: (Making his way to Batman, and sits near him) C’mon then, sir. Cheer up. You know,
there’s more to life than senseless violence and extravagant peacocking.
Batman: Like what?
Alfred: Well, like family, and friends. Think, sir, who do you like spending time with?
Batman: The Joker. But, he’s in heaven now. (cheering up) With his mom and pops…making
‘em laugh, I just know it. The closest thing that I had to a friend was… you (disappointed) But I
pay you.
Alfred: Apples and pears, but, ah…surely there is somebody else? What about your work
friends?
Batman: (laughing) I’ve never worked a Goddamn day in my life; you know that Alfred. Plus,
the only person I ever see over at Wayne Enterprises is… Lucius Fox! Yeah! He’s always
making me guns and planes and tanks and stuff! That means he’s my friend, right?
Alfred: (gets up happily) Where there you go! One friend, things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Batman: (gets up with excitement) Yeah! Well, I haven’t talked to him in a dog’s age, I’ll call
him now.
Alfred: Ah, right now? You know what, perhaps I’ll leave the room, give you some privacy.
Batman: No Alfred, you stick around. You can say hi too, he’ll love it. (quickly grabs the rotary
dial phone and punches in the number).
Alfred: No wait, sir, please. (Alfred’s cellphone starts to ring. He answers it) I have a confession
to make, sir. You’re not the only one with a secret identity. Turn around. (Batman turns the
opposite way.) The other way. (Holds up his phone to show Batman)
Batman: (Hanging up the phone) What?
Alfred: (Putting cellphone away) That’s right. Lucius Fox and Alfred Pennyworth are the same
person. You see, when I was stationed in Burma with you father…this was before the war…I
made a promise to your father that if anything ever happened to him, I would pretend to be your
butler. So, I, Lucius Fox, took up the guise of Alfred Pennyworth so I could give you words of
wisdom 24/7, eight days a week, at work and at home.
Batman: (confused) So, all those times you cleaned the entire mansion…
Alfred: Oh Bruce…
Batman: ...and my laundry?
Alfred: I just threw them out at the end of the week, I buy you new clothes.
Batman: So, what you’re saying is… (begins to cry again) I don’t have one friend after all?
(beat) ALFRED! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! YOU GOT MY HOPES UP SO HIGH
13
AND THEN YOU MUGGED AND SHOT THEM IN AN ALLEYWAY! It turns out I can’t
even trust you after all. You’re fired, you old fraud. Get the hell out of the Bat Cave!
Alfred: Well, if that’s what you bloody want then fine!
Batman: Fine.
Alfred: Good.
Batman: Great.
Alfred: (on his way out the door) You wouldn’t last a day without me.
Batman: Oh, I will too.
Alfred: Oh, you wanna bet?
Batman: Yeah!
Alfred: Fuck you.
Batman: F-FUCK YOU!
(Exit Alfred)
Batman: Yeah, good ridding’s. I don’t need any stupid— (quickly turns emotional over his lost
friend) Alfred…wait… Oh, what have I done? (begins to kneel and cry).
(Enter O’Malley [Alfred in disguise as an Irish butler. Maintains British accent.])
O’Malley: Top of the morning, sir!
Batman: (Gets up and tries to hide his tears) Uh? Who are you? And how did you get into the
Bat Cave?
O’Malley: Oh, me? Well the agency just sent me over. I’m what’s his face’s replacement. My
name is O’Malley, the Irish butler. (Goes over and shakes Batman’s hand)
Batman: Good to meet you, O’Malley. I’m Batman, and I’m in a bad mood, and the cave is a
mess. (Dramatically falls to the floor, wrapping his cape around himself)
O’Malley: (Looking around) It’s a nice cave, sir. You know, before the war your father used
these tunnels to help build the Underground Railroad. (Glares at Batman who is sobbing into his
cape) I’m sorry sir, would you like to be alone?
Batman: I am alone. This is what it means to be…Batman. Darkness, solitude. (Perking up)
This is the life I have chosen… (Falls into sadness again) Nay, the life that has chosen me!
(Lights off on Batman. Spot lit on Alfred as Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight begins to play)
Alfred: (Taking off O’Malley disguise) Poor Master Bruce, he’s such a dark, sad, lonely
fellow…
Song: Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight
Alfred: Poor Master Bruce, poor Mr. Wayne

Lonely caboose on a one car train.
And it pains me to watch you able along
This track of loneliness I laid down for you.
I remember that horrible night, the night you were split in two
And I swore I’d protect you (and I haven’t)
So I built a wall all around you, but the wall was too tall
And it blocked out all of the bird and the sun.
I tried to raise you right, I tried to raise you proper.

I tried to be a mentor and a friend, and a mama and a papa too.
14
And insulate you from any outside source of fright.

And make bloody certain you’ll never see another
Dark, sad, lonely night.
(Exit Alfred. Lights up on Batman, slumped over on the crates)
Batman: When I look at my life I see something’s not right

Like a thousand percent.
And I wonder what it is, how it is that it’s always just me here
Crying alone at the end of the night, ten thousand percent.
Put most of the blame on Alfred.

How come he couldn’t take the bullet intended for mama and papa?
I never had a pony. I never had pets.
Just a bullshit butler, who builds bullshit jets.
Oh! I’m falling apart, I need a friend. [Ensemble: La la la la…]

Somebody to hold on to. Somebody to confide in.
Think of the children, next time you gun down their mama and papa. [Ensemble: Ooooo…]
Because they probably don’t have another mama and papa.
I was seeing a girl for a while, a couple of days anyway

And I told her I loved her. [Ensemble: Ah Oh, Ah Oh, Ah Oh…] (Enter dancing bats)
She said you’re such a good friend and that rash it bad
You should really go see a doctor. [Ensemble: Ah Oh, Ah Oh, Ah Oh…]
All: Ahh…
Batman: Then she just disappeared, sent me some text about bad timing
And my love being selfish. [Ensemble: Ah Oh, Ah Oh, Ah Oh…]
Then my doctor called up and the blood came back and as it turns out
I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish.
I loved peanuts and shellfish once.
I’m falling apart, I’m lacking punch. [Ensemble: La, la, la…]
I can barely eat. This morning I barely touched my brunch.
Two spoons of oatmeal, a couple of nuts, and half a banana. [Ensemble: Oooo…]
And like my soul, the banana was bruised and black.
(Exit bats)
I’m falling apart, I need a friend. [Ensemble: La, la, la…]

Somebody to hold on to, somebody to confide in.
Somebody to ride in the cockpit [Ensemble: Oooo…]
Co-captain of the friendship ship.
Or maybe just a friendship.
If I had a buddy we could discuss
Just what we call friendship.
15
I want to be somebody’s buddy

Somebody who can be my buddy back.
Anybody but a dumbshit butler. [Repeated 7x]
(Enter Superman)
Superman: I want to be somebody’s buddy
Bab ba ba ba bab. [Repeated 6x]
(Enter Green Lantern)

Green Lantern: I want to be somebody’s buddy
Bab bab ba ba bab. [Repeated 5x]
(Enter Ensemble 1)
Ensemble 1: I wanna be, I wanna be,
I wanna be, I wanna be…
I wanna be, I wanna be,
I wanna be, I wanna be… [Repeated 4x]
(Enter Ensemble 2)
Ensemble 2: But buddy buddy,
But buddy buddy,
But buddy buddy,
But ba-ah…
But buddy buddy,
But buddy buddy,
But buddy buddy,
But ba-ah … [Repeated 3x]
(Enter Ensemble 3)
Ensemble 3: Somebody,
Somebody,
Somebody to find a friend.
Somebody,
Somebody,
Somebody, any buddy anybody buddy buddy. [Repeated 2x]
Batman, Superman, Green Lantern: I want to be somebody’s buddy.

Batman: I want to be somebody’s body.

16
(Exit all. Enter Alfred, newspaper in hand.)

Alfred: Master Bruce needs companionship, but where does a young man find that in the year
1997? Duh, O’Malley, get with the times! The personal ads of course! (pulls out newspaper)
Let’s see here… Single broad female seeking old English butler for a good time… Oh, I’ll just
keep that one… put it in my pocket…save it for a rainy day I will. (winks to audience) Let’s
see... Dogs for sale…no. Orphans for sale, even better! By the luck of the Irish O’Malley you’ve
done it again.
(Exit Alfred. Blackout as phone rings.)
(Lights up on Superman answering his phone)
Voice Machine: (Prerecord O.S.) Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of ‘Batman’. Please leave
a message after the tone. (Beep!)
Superman: Hey Batman, its Superman. Listen, I’m just calling to apologize, I think we got off
on the wrong foot the other day. You’re a hero, I’m a superhero, lets be friends! Anyways, me
and Aquaman and a few of the other guys are fighting Solomon Grundy on Monday and I’d love
it if you could be there. You could throw a boomerang at him, or whatever it is you do. I’ll
probably just punch him. (beat.) Also, Wonder Woman is gonna be there so… there you go. This
message is getting kinda long… Anyway, call me back as soon as possible, actually you better
call me in the afternoon cause I’ll be up all night partying with my friends in the fortress…of
solitude. Give me a call back, bye. (hangs up phone.)
(Enter Green Lantern drinking a Rolling Rock)
Superman: Hey, the GL!
Green Lantern: The boy in blue!
Superman: What’s up my dog?
Green Lantern: Hey, hey, not much. Hey, were you just talking to Batman?
Superman: Yeah, yeah. Well, his answering machine anyway.
Green Lantern: Cool, cool. Hey, you want a beer? I can make Rolling Rock or Heineken.
(They take a seat.)
Superman: Oh, sure! Ummm… Heineken sounds good.
(Green Lantern uses the power of his ring and pulls out a Rolling Rock from behind the crates.)
Green Lantern: Here you go. (Passing Superman the Rolling Rock.)
Superman: Oh, Rolling Rock is fine.
Green Lantern: Cheers, man.
Superman: Yeah, cheers, thanks.
(Enter Gotham Citizen who begins to freak out as he spots Superman and Green Lantern having
a beer together.)
Citizen: Oh man. Oh man! OH MAN! OH JEEZ! SUPERMAN AND THE GREEN
LANTERN! Oh man! HEY! Can I get a picture?!
(Citizen takes out his cellphone, prepping for a photo op.)
Superman and Green Lantern: Yeah, sure.
(Superman and Green Lantern get up. Citizen quickly passes his phone to Superman for him to
take the photo.)
17
Citizen: (Ignoring Superman) Oh man! The Green Lantern, my kid sister is going to freak!
You’re like our second favourite superhero.
Green Lantern: (flattered) Second?! Oh, thanks.
Citizen: (Posing for the picture) Right behind Batman.
Superman: (Hardly paying attention) Alright, smile… (takes the photo) okay, got it.
Citizen: Oh, thanks man! (Goes in for a hug) I want a hug. (Hugs Green Lantern) Thank you so
much.
(Citizen exits, ignoring Superman as he snatches his phone back)
Citizen: (Offstage) DUH!! (Enter Citizen) The picture is ruined, you cut my head off! You
super-bitch! (Exit Citizen)
Green Lantern: Woah! Are you going to take that?
Superman: I’m used to it.
(They sit back down, continuing to drink. Cheesy music)
Superman: Man, fuck Batman. Sorry…
Green Lantern: Woah woah woah…what’s wrong with Batman?
Superman: I dunno, I just feel like he’s an overrated hero, you know? The guy doesn’t even
have any superpowers. And have you seen how many Twitter followers he has?
Green Lantern: Ah, no man, I’m not on the Twitter.
Superman: Well, he’s got a lot.
Green Lantern: More than you?
Superman: Yeah, but it’s not fair because he’s got the Twitter name Batman. Somebody already
took the Twitter name Superman and all they do is tweet about how dumb I am.
Green Lantern: Yeah, but who would do a thing like that?
Superman: I dunno… (pulls out his cellphone to check Twitter) some asshole named…Bruce
Wayne. Anyway, my Twitter name is the real Superman; which of course makes it sound like
I’m the fake Superman.
Green Lantern: Well, that’s rough, Clark.
Superman: Wait, you know my secret identity?
Green Lantern: It’s a secret?! (Superman begins to sulk) Hey, c’mon, nobody cares who
Superman is.
Superman: (beat) You know what else is stupid about Batman: his villains.
Green Lantern: No, no, no, they’re classic.
Superman: NO! They’re corny. It’s just a new guy in a different colored suit, wearing a thing on
his head, making puns based on his stupid theme.
Green Lantern: Yeah, I guess I never really thought of it like that before. Yeah, Riddler, guy in
a suit, thing on his head, Mad-Hatter, guy in a suit, thing on his head, and Two-Face, guy in a
suit, scar on his head.
Superman: Two-Face is the worst. His theme is just the number two. What’s he going to do, rob
the second national bank of all its two dollar bills? God forbid Gotham runs out of all its two
dollar bills. (Green Lantern chuckles) Like, anything goes with these guys. I bet the next guy
Batman is going to fight is gonna be…What’s the stupidest thing I can think of…? Candy! A
candy themed villain, somebody who kills people with candy.
Green Lantern: Okay, if they’re so stupid then why are they so famous?
Superman: They’re only famous because Batman screws up all the time and lets them kill
people. You know, my villains never get that chance. Have you ever heard of Mr. Mxyzptlk?
Green Lantern: No.
18
Superman: No, that’s right, because I do my damn job. The point is, I’m the most powerful
superhero, and so shouldn’t I be the most popular?
Green Lantern: Yeah, (ringing noise) hang on, my ring is ringing. (gets up and uses his ring as
a phone) Yeah, hello? Uh huh… Ah crap…Back to Oa? Okay, I’ll see yeah in a little bit…
(hangs up) I got to go.
Superman: What’s up?
Green Lantern: Sinestro is forming an evil core…the guardians…ugh, work stuff.
Superman: Alright, I’ll just see you on Monday I guess.
Green Lantern: Why?
(Cheesy music)
Superman: Dude… Solomon Grundy thing, you’re coming, right?
Green Lantern: Oh…yeah…maybe…
(Exit Green Lantern. Superman picks up his phone and dials)
Voice Machine: (pre-recorded) Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of ‘Wonder Woman’.
Please leave a message after the tone. (Beep!)
Superman: Hey Wonder Woman, it’s Superman. So, I knew you were kinda on the fence about
that Solomon Grundy thing, but I just wanted to tell you that…uh…Batman is gonna be
there…so…there you go.
(Blackout.)
Scene 10—Villain Lair
(Enter Scarecrow, Poison Ivy, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Riddler, and Catwoman who begin to dance
and sing:
Song: Rogues Are We
Scarecrow: Line up, sign up

If you’re looking for some sin
Poison Ivy: And a dirty way to win. Yeah!
Penguin: Get pissed, enlist

Tap into the devil within
Mr. Freeze: Let the villainy begin

All: We’re joining forces
Riddler: We’re making clever quips
All: We revel in malevolence
Four thousand horses of the apocalypse
Mr. Freeze: Giddy up, Gotham
Catwoman: Giddy up, up, up
All: We’re going rogue, rogue, rogue!
Rogues are we!
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Catwoman: We are the harlots and the hussies

All: Rogues are we!
Mr. Freeze: We are the swindlers and the cheats
All: Rogues are we!
Poison Ivy: We’re rising up from the underground
All: Rogues are we!
Penguin: We’re taking over your streets
(Dance break)
Riddler: Riddle me this

I’ve got a puzzle that’ll put you to tears
I’m cruel but never crass
Penguin: Look no further than here
To see a penguin without peer
I’ve got a certain touch of class
Scarecrow: I made a fear toxin in the form of gas
Then I wear a scary mask
Mr. Freeze: I’ve got ice in my veins
Poison Ivy: Venom on the vine
I’ll weed out any wussy
Catwoman: I’m a pretty little kitty
But I ain’t no—
All: Rogues are we!

Catwoman: We are the harlots and the hussies
All: Rogues are we!
Mr. Freeze: We are the swindlers and the cheats
All: Rogues are we!
Poison Ivy: We’re rising up from the underground
All: Rogues are we!
Penguin: We’re taking over your streets
All: Rogues are we!
(Pose. All begin to hug and greet each other)

Penguin: Ah, Riddler!
Mr. Freeze: (to audience) Wow, isn’t this a cool crowd, how ice to see you all again.
Penguin: Ah Freeze, so good to see you again, come over here and kiss my little flipper!
(Mr. Freeze kisses Penguin on the hand.) Alright Frosty, sit down before you melt away.
Catwoman: Enough pussyfooting Penguin, let’s get this meeting started meow.
Penguin: Ah, I thought I saw a putty cat! That’s what I love about you Catwoman, a chick likes
to get down to business! (chuckles) Now ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you all know why you
are all here, I assume you’ve been reading my tweets! We Rogues are being plucked like the
feathers of a bird by a man who dresses up like a bat!
All: Rabble, rabble, rabble!
Penguin: He is sticking his beak in our business and it is starting to ruffle my feathers.
20
Mr. Freeze: Because of Batman my operations have been put on ice, my assets are frozen.
Poison Ivy: I’ve been uprooted.
Scarecrow: He’s given me an awful fright!
Catwoman: We better catnip this guy in the bud before the mouse with wings sends us all to the
pound.
Two-Face: (Offstage) I second that! (Two-Face enters stage left, accompanied by a Seinfeld-
esque riff on the bass guitar, which continues after each of his ‘terrible’ puns)
Catwoman: Suffering succotash, who invited Two-Face?
Two-Face: Alright you weenies, let’s make this quick, I’m double parked! (riff)
Poison Ivy: Two-Face, you deuce-bag, you didn’t get an invite.
Two-Face: I know this is the second meeting you guys haven’t invited me to, which isn’t fair!
I’m twice as villainous as the rest of you!
Mr. Freeze: Oh yeah? What’s your latest subpar evil ice-capade?
Poison Ivy: What’re you gonna do, rob the second largest National Bank of all its two dollar
bills?
Two-Face: Yeah! On February 2nd! (riff)
Catwoman: I hate to let the cat out of the bag but your two-theme is a catastrophe!
Penguin: You’re a lame duck and you know it!
Two-Face: Yeah but you guys didn’t hear about the part of the double homicide! (riff) C’mon!
Please let me join the Council of Rogues, please let me do it, please!
Riddler: No way!
Poison Ivy: Leave!
Penguin: Fly the coop, Two-Face! You’re a secondary villain.
Two-Face: Whatever, I wouldn’t have it any other way. (riff) Whatever, I was gonna head over
to the duplex and catch a double-feature! (riff) Catch you all on the…flipside? (Tosses coin, riff)
Oh no, my toonie! That’s okay, ‘cause I always carry…two (pulls out another toonie).
Mr. Freeze: Get your broke ass out of here, Two-Face.
Two-Face: Deuces! (Riff. Exit Two-Face. Enter Sweet Tooth who bumps into Two-Face as he is
leaving)
Sweet Tooth: (back to audience) Excuse me.
Two-Face: Oh, it was my fault… (looks at audience) …and mine! (riff. Exit)
Penguin: (to Rogues) So, what are we going to do about this bird-brain Dark Knight, because
quite frankly I’m stumped.
Sweet Tooth: Well, well, well. Looks like you guys are up too your old *TWIX*! (pulls out a
Twix chocolate bar and throws it across stage)
Mr. Freeze: (picking up the Twix) A Twix bar?
Penguin: Alright, who’s the wise guy who thinks he’s a joker?
Sweet Tooth: The Joker? (laughs) The Joker was a *SUCKER*. (holds up a lollipop). You can
call me… (whips off hat and turns to audience. Spotlight) Sweet Tooth. And as you can see, I’m
a lot tastier.
All: Huh, Sweet Tooth!
Scarecrow: Sweet Tooth is the coolest new villain in town. He’s been terrorizing Gotham with
his candy-themed crimes.
Sweet Tooth: Yeah, it’s been quite a *SPREE*, hasn’t it? And yet, I still haven’t been invited to
join the Rogue’s Gallery. More like the peanut gallery if you ask me. I mean, what are you all
21
planning to do this time, kidnap the mayor and ransom him off for *100 GRAND*? How boring.
What you need is a new leader…I nominate me. (laughs)
Penguin: (laughing sarcastically) Quit your squawking Sweet Tooth, I’m cock of the walk
around here…Chilly Willy!
(Enter Chilly Willy)
Chilly Willy: Yeah boss?
Penguin: Chilly Willy, extract this tooth from the premises post-haste.
Chilly Willy: With pleasure, Mr. Quin.
Penguin: No, no, no, it’s just Penguin. It’s just one name, Chilly.
Chilly Willy: Sure thing, Mr. Pen.
Penguin: Okay…
(Chilly Willy makes his way over to Sweet Tooth)
Sweet Tooth: Perhaps you all need a demonstration of my villainy. Chilly Willy, I got a question
for you…how many licks does it take to kill you? (unwraps his lollipop) Ah…one (licks
lollipop) …ah, two… (licks it again) …THREE! (stabs Chilly Willy in the throat with the
lollipop. Chilly Willy dies! Sweet Tooth slowly gets up while sniffing the lollipop.) I say…WE
KILL THE BAT! (laughs hysterically)
Catwoman: What a positively purr-fect plan, Sweet Tooth. (Takes the lollipop from Sweet
Tooth and sucks it)
Penguin: Kill the Bat? If I thought of that I would still be head of this henhouse. Sweet Tooth,
my top hat and monocle are off to you. Ladies and gentlemen put your flippers together for the
new king of crime in Gotham.
(Chilly Willy’s body is dragged off)
Sweet Tooth: (flattered) Yes, yes, yes. Now quit your *SNICKERING* you *AIRHEADS*, we
got a Bat in our belfry and if we ever want it to be *PAYDAY* we got to strengthen our
numbers. See, divided we Rogues are just *RUNTS*, but together we pack a *SOUR PUNCH*.
If we work together there’s no way one man can stop us, no matter how batty he is. So, we need
to recruit every villain in Gotham; cool themes, lame themes, things that don’t match their
powers, even the villains that take their names from public domain stories…
Scarecrow: Hey! I take offense to that.
Sweet Tooth: Oh, grab a brain, Scarecrow.
Scarecrow: Yeah, or a diploma would do.
(Enter Evil Sherlock Holmes)
Evil Sherlock Holmes: Does this mean I can join you?
Sweet Tooth: But of course, …
Evil Sherlock Holmes: Finally, a chance to prove myself. When the citizens of Gotham see the
might of my heat-ray there won’t be a soul alive who doesn’t fear the name… (beat) Sherlock
Holmes.
Sweet Tooth: Excellent Sherlock! And put out the word to Evil Mother Goose and Huckleberry
Finn as well. Gotham has been chewing on some Bat-casserole for far too long, but tonight we
provide a little palette cleanser; moving onto the desert course, were gonna give Gotham
something sweet to suck on, baby! (laughs)
Song: Rogue Are We (reprise)
Sweet Tooth: Rogues! [All: Hup!] Assemble. Gather. Unite. [All: Bee bop!]
22
And take a mental snapshot of this most auspicious night. [All: Wooo!]
We’ve got strength in numbers now, the battle can begin.
We’re waging war on Batman, and the war is ours to win. [All: Mu ha ha ha ha ha! x3 claps]
Sweet Tooth & Poison Ivy: Rise up! Like a natural disaster. [All: Wooo!]
We take The Bat, then we take back the town. [All: Here here!]
We harm in harmony, arm in arm we hold our stance.
In solidarity he hasn’t a chance.
All: Rise up! Like a natural disaster.

We take The Bat, then we take back the town!
In solidarity he hasn’t a chance. [Sweet Tooth: Let’s dance!]
(Dance break)
All: Rogues are we!

Rise up! Like a natural disaster.
We take The Bat, then we take back the town! [Poison Ivy: Ahhhh, etc.]
In solidarity he hasn’t a chance. [Sweet Tooth: Let’s dance!]
Rogues are we! [Poison Ivy: Honk!]
(Blackout)
Scene 11—Wayne Manor
(Dimmed lights up on O’Malley [Alfred in disguise] walking across stage towards the door;
housecoat in hand. Cheesy music; Batman sobbing offstage behind the door.)
O’Malley: Sir it’s me, O’Malley. You can’t stay in your pillow fort and cry foreva.
Batman: (Offstage behind door) Yes, I can.
O’Malley: Well I got a surprise for you.
Batman: (Slowly opening the door and peeking out) What kind of surprise?
O’Malley: A visitor.
Batman: (Slamming the door) I don’t like visitors!
O’Malley: Yes, I know, but this visitor is unlike any other. You see, this visitor is form the
circus. (Beat. Batman opens the door once again) You like the circus, don’t yeah?
Batman: Yeah…
O’Malley: Who likes the circus?
Batman: Batman…
O’Malley: You like the circus.
Batman: Batman loves the circus.
O’Malley: Well would you come out and give it a shot?
Batman: I’ll try.
23
O’Malley: Very good, sir. (Begins to dress Batman with his housecoat) Our guest is waiting in
the drawing room. Let’s get this tied around your little waist… (ties the housecoat ribbon) …so
it feels nice and secure. There you are.
Batman: Thank you, O’Malley. You know, you remind me of two great men that I once found
out were the same man.
O’Malley: Very good, sir.
Batman: (Mimes opening a door center stage: lights up on Robin sitting stage right reading a
book) What!? A kid? O’Malley, I thought it was going to be an elephant or a clown at least; I
miss The Joker.
O’Malley: Give this a chance, please sir. He’s been thrown on a patch of bad luck. You see, he’s
an orphan.
Batman: (cheesy music) An orphan? But what happened to his mommy…and his papa?
O’Malley: Both dead I’m afraid, and his heart is heavy with dread.
Batman: I know how that is. But he’s such a tiny little guy. You know what, I’m going to
introduce myself to him.
(Batman walks across stage and presents his arm to Robin)
Batman: Hi, I’m Bruce Man—I mean, I’m Bat Wayne—FUCK! Can I start over?
Robin: Sure.
(Batman repeats his steps and arm gesture)
Batman: Hi, I’m Batman—FUCK! I’m Bruce…Wayne.
Robin: Charmed I’m sure. They call me…Dick.
Batman: Does that hurt your feelings?
Robin: No, because it’s my name: Dick Grayson.
Batman: What else do those little bastards call you?
Robin: They call me…THE FLYING GRACEN! (Melodramatically twirls in the air)
Batman: (Shocked) Dazzling.
O’Malley: Well, it’s nice to see you two hitting it off. Can I get you something to drink, sir?
Batman & Robin: A juice box, and make it a Motts Goddammit!
(Batman and Robin gasp at each other out of enjoyment)
(Exit O’Malley)
Batman: So, Dick, what do you think of my manor?
Robin: It’s gloomy and old and the floorboards are warped with tears of sorrow. (Batman nods)
I like it.
Batman: (Surprised) Really!? (Robin smiles) Well, seeing that you’re a homeless orphan, you
can stay here awhile, if you’d like?
Robin: Mr. Wayne, may I be frank with you?
Batman: Well sure Frank, if you prefer that than Dick…
Robin: I’ve had my experience with wealthy billionaires throughout the years and it’s always the
same old song and dance with your types. Sure, you think it’s fun to take in the young acrobat
and watch him fly around for a while, but after the novity is worn off I’m back on the streets, as
alone as the day my parents were stolen from me from Death’s greedy hand. (Wipes back a tear)
So what makes you any different from the rest of them, eh? Who is Bruce Wayne?
(Pause)
24
Batman: Huh… Who is Bruce Wayne? Good question, kid. I’m just your average, run of the
mill; down on his luck…genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.
Robin: I’ve heard that kind of shit before…I was an orphan for Tony Stark after his Battle for
New York depression.
Batman: Yeah, I’ve been missing him at golf lately. (Beat. Getting back to the scene) No! No
kid, that’s not who I really am. Bruce Wayne died the night his parents were gunned down in
front of his very eyes. And from his ashes I arose to clean the streets of Gotham of its scum so
that what happened to me—
Robin: —Will never happen to anyone again.
Batman: Yes! (pause) Dick, I know you’re just a tiny little boy, and we’ve only just now met,
but I feel like—
Batman & Robin: We’re the same. Split right down the middle.
Batman: Dick, I want to tell you something. Something I’ve never told anyone before—except a
couple of my ex-girlfriends and my last butler…and my new butler.
Robin: What is it, Bruce?
Batman: (Tearing the housecoat off) I’M BATMAN!
Robin: Ahhhh! I knew it. I knew it the moment you walked in this room. [Batman: How?] And
it wasn’t this Bat-Symbol on your chest or the cape that is carelessly dangling from beneath your
robe. No, it was the man behind the Bat-Symbol on your chest and in front of the cape.
Batman: Me?!
Robin: Yes…And now I have something to tell you. It’s always been my secret dream to join in
your crusade and fight alongside as your SIDEKICK!
Batman: (excited) Really!!? Wait… no!
Robin: What?
Batman: No Dick, I can’t.
Robin: Why?
Batman: I live a dark and gritty life of solitude. To be Batman is to be alone.
Robin: But Batman, I’m alone too. Perhaps we can be alone…together?
Batman: (getting excited again) And so it shall be. Now Dick, are you ready to take the secret
oath? (Robin nods) The secret oath I took many years ago. Repeat after me—
Robin: Repeat after me—
Batman: No, not yet—
Robin: No, not yet—
Batman: No, I haven’t started yet—
Robin: No, I haven’t started yet— [Batman: You’re doing that on purpose] You’re doing that
on purpose— [Batman: Poopy poopy pants!] Poopy poopy pants!
(Robin and Batman laugh together then embrace)
Batman: You want to fight crime with me or what?
Robin: Yes, I would like that.
Batman: Good, then you must do what I do. To strike terror to the hearts of the superstitious
criminal scum of Gotham you must take on the guise of that which you fear most to
scare…them…YEAH! So, tell me Dick, what are you afraid of?
Robin: Well, years ago, when I was a humble circus boy, my parents and I performed together in
an acrobatic trio, until one night while performing their most dangerous and all inspiring feat:
The Grayson Dive, they were murdered, mid-air…by a robin.
Batman: BY A ROBBER!!
25
Robin: No…a robin.

Batman: What’s a robin? Is that like a lizard?
Robin: It’s a songbird.
Batman: Oh…My God it must be huge.
Robin: It’s quite small actually.
Batman: No… well, that’s good. Small is good. Actually, on my first night out I was
Pterodactyl-Man, but wouldn’t you know it people laughed at me and I think Batman works
really well because I’m a huge bat but a tiny pterodactyl.
Robin: Yes…and ever since that night, whenever I hear the cheerful chirp of a blue jay or a dove
I’m filled with quiet white rage.
Batman: YES! USE THAT RAGE! BECOME THAT SONGBIRD.
Robin: Yes…I can feel my transformation beginning. (Begins to orgasm around stage, ready to
transform any second) From this moment forward, the Rogues of Gotham shall tremble in fear
of… THE ROBIN!
(Robin rips off his suit to reveal the classic Robin costume. Batman falls to his knees as if
blinded by a burst of light.)
Batman: My God! You look just like a giant bird!
Robin: I’m sorry for frightening you.
Batman: No, it’s good, because tonight, Batman and Robin take to the streets. Tonight, will be a
night of—
Robin: —Of dancing.
Batman: Uh… YEAH!
(Enter O’Malley)
O’Malley: It’s nice to see you smiling again, sir; I mean, for the first time.
Batman: O’Malley! You drunken son of a bitch, come here! (Batman and Robin hug O’Malley)
Don’t wait up. (To Robin) Hey Robin, I’ll race you to the Batmobile.
Robin: Alright!
(Exit Batman and Robin. Blackout.)
(Vicki Vale upstage lit by a single spot lit; news-esque music playing)
Vicki: (Broadcasting) Just when it seemed as if Batman has cleaned up Gotham for good, a
whole new wave of trash has filled the streets. Police are baffled at what they are referring to as a
“boom” in the supervillain population. The Condiment King, The Wizard and False Face; these
are just a few of the new shitty characters that have been crawling out of the woodwork for the
past few days. Though experts are concerned about any villain in particular, given that they are
all so shitty, some are worried that this new army of crime will overpower the Batman. Good
luck Batman, this could be your darkest night yet.
(Exit Vicki, lights up. Enter Eddie and Matches with plastic chickens.)
Eddie: Finally! Out of the slammer and surgery! Time to resume our life of crime, ah yeah yeah
yeah!
Matches: (carrying his racket) Only this time let’s not get caught by the Bat.
Eddie: Don’t worry, not even the Bat dares mess with our new boss… Egghead!
(Enter Egghead)
26
Egghead: Alright you turkeys, load the chickens into the trucks! Yeeaah, eggscellent! Let’s see
what Gotham City does without a ready supply of eggs!
Eddie: Heh heh heh…
(Bird noises.)
Egghead: Hey, what the deviled was that?
Matches: It sounded just like a bwird!
Eddie: Yeah, ‘cause we’re standin’ by a truck filled with chickens, you chicken!
Matches: That wasn’t no cluckin’ chicken…sounded more like…
(Enter Robin leaping into action equipped with his Bo staff.)
Robin: CAW CAW!
Matches: A giant robin!?
(Enter Batman)
Batman: Hah! We heard you were hacking a scheme, Egghead.
Robin: But we’ve cracked the case.
Batman: It’s over…
Robin: Over easy!
Egghead: SCRAMBLE!!
(Robin and Batman knock Egghead, Matches and Eddie unconscious upstage)
Song: Dynamic Duet
(Batman and Robin look at each other with glee)

Batman: We're like long lost brothers
Who've found each other
Robin: And love each other like family.
Batman: Though we're not related
Robin: And it's totally belated
Batman: I'm elated just to say you are my bro.
(Unconscious Ensemble upstage begin to snap along)
Robin: Mi Amigo.
Batman: And where I go
Robin: Is where we go.
Batman and Robin:
And it feels as though
It was destined to be so
So very nice.
Robin: Look Batman, a dog.

Batman: Quick Robin, pet it!
(Exit Batman and Robin. Enter Pizza Deliverer 1 followed by Calendar Man)
Deliverer 1: Hey, welcome to Domino’s Pizza… (Calendar Man pulls out a gun. To audience)
OH MY GOD, IT’S CALENDAR MAN!
27
Calendar Man: Fine, you may have thought I was waiting for a pizza, but now it’s time to
March to your death. Now, take this pillowcase, fill it with all your cash, and don’t forget my
peperoni and Tuesday special cheese pizza.
Deliverer 1: (not feeling threatened) Uhhh, yeah, I’m sorry but here at Domino’s Pizza all we
can offer you is warm service and a two-star atmosphere!
(Enter Batman and Robin, jumping to the rescue)
Batman: Calendar Man, your days are numbered!
(Batman and Robin laugh girlishly together)
Calendar Man: Batman and a tiny littler bird…Well, looks like today’s not your lucky day;
Boxing Day came early. (Hands Deliverer 1 his gun) I’m going to punch you weaklings into next
month. Come at me you April Fools!!
(Batman and Robin beat up Calendar Man)
Calendar Man: Ahh…Bloody hell! (Joins the unconscious Ensemble upstage)
Deliverer 1: Thank you, Batman
(Batman punches Deliverer 1 to the unconscious Ensemble. Robin and Batman continue to sing
joyfully:
Batman: How could it all have been so [Unconscious Ensemble: Ooooo… etc.]
Robin: Lonesome and hopeless, I know.
Batman: Promise you won't go out
And get mugged and murdered on me. [Robin: I cross my heart.]
I'll never let that happen
We'll have each other's backs and
Robin: Listen to the Jackson Five
And dance the night away.
Batman: Robin, you parted the clouds [Unconscious Ensemble: Ahhh… etc.]
Robin: And by the light of the moon
We have found the sunrise.
Batman: I never thought I'd find it [Unconscious Ensemble: Bop, bop, bop… etc.]
Robin: Nearly blinded by it
Batman, Robin & Ensemble: So bright, so bright, so bright.
Robin: You are my bright knight.

Batman: You're my morning bird.
Batman and Robin: We're wingmen singing in thirds
Batman: You bring spring to my winter
Batman and Robin: Flying in the friendship ship.
Robin: Batman?
Batman: Robin?
Robin: You are my bright knight.

Batman: You're my morning bird.
Batman and Robin: We're wingmen, my vision is blurred
Batman: For the tears of joy
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Batman and Robin: No more dark, sad, lonely knight.
(Exit Robin)
Scene 13—Streets of Gotham (cont’d)
(Enter Penguin with a huge cardboard cut-out of a birdcage that he traps Batman with)
Penguin: (laughing) More like La Cage aux Folles! Wah wah wah! Finally, Batman, I have you
trapped right where I want you, in a gigantic birdcage! Let me tell you a story, Batman. Back
when I was just a baby emperor penguin, my mother kept a birdcage in the kitchen exactly like
this one except much smaller in size! In that birdcage, she kept a sparrow…or a swallow, can’t
really remember. The point is, the sound that bird made was tweet tweet, Batman… tweet tweet!
And that’s the last sound you’re ever gonna hear. Because soon as that birdseed fills the bottom
of that birdcage, I’m gonna release my hummingbird-ostrich-hybrid-murder-birds, and they’re
gonna peck your FUCKIN’ brains out, Batman! Wah wah wah wah wah!
Batman: You’re a fiend, Penguin!
Penguin: Oh, what’s the matter Batman, not a bird lover?
Batman: On the contrary, there is one bird that I love. Very. Much.
Penguin: Aww, and what bird would that be, Batman?
Batman: A robin.
Penguin: A robin? Isn’t that like a lizard or—
(Enter Robin who drives his Bo staff up Penguin’s butt.)
Robin: Haaaaa!
Penguin: Aaaaaaahhhhhh! My butthole! Oooh! I can’t believe this is happening!!
Robin: Oh, it’s happening man!
(Robin releases Batman from Penguin’s giant birdcage. Penguin attempts to waddle away with
the Bo staff still up his anus.)
Batman: Thanks, old chum! You sure got me out of a…birdcage!
Robin: Don’t mention it, Batman! Now, let’s get this jail bird back to the cuckoo’s nest!
(Batman and Robin high-five)
Penguin: Oooh, high-five all you want, but Gotham City still has a sweet tooth, and that means
no one’s safe!
Batman: Hmmmm…. Gotham City still has a sweet tooth…what is that supposed to mean?
(Grabbing Penguin by the scruff) Talk you stupid pigeon!!
Penguin: Sorry Batman…but I’m no…*GUSHER*!
(Penguin opens and eats a bag of Gushers from his pocket and begins to spasm then explodes
offstage.)
Batman: (looking into the wings) His head…it turned into a…rockin’ blue raspberry.
Robin: Gotham City still has a sweet tooth, what could that mean, Batman? Do you think it’s
some kind of riddle?
Batman: I’m not sure…but regardless, we need to find this sweet tooth and…pluck it…before
Gotham gets a cavity.
Robin: Well I’m not worried, because there’s nothing we can’t do…together! Isn’t that right,
lifelong friend?
Batman: No… (Robin gasps) Life…Partner!
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Robin: Buddies!
Batman: Bros!
Robin: Homies!
Batman: Amigos!
Robin: Pizza!
Batman: Nintendo!
Batman and Robin: Woooo, woooo, woooo, let's go!
We're like long lost brothers

Who've found each other
And love each other like family.
You are my bro, mi amigo.

And where I go is where we go.
And it feels as though

It was destined to be so...
(Batman and Robin continue to dance centerstage. Lights up on Catwoman entering stage right)
Catwoman: Oh! Hiss and vinegar, what are we supposed to do meow?

(Enter Poison Ivy)
Poison Ivy: Yes…Batman was fearsome before but now he’s got Robin.
(Enter Sweet Tooth)
Sweet Tooth: Wait! Say that again…
Poison Ivy: Batman was fearsome before but now—
Sweet Tooth: —but now he’s got Robin! GASP! *GODIVA* good plan.
Poison Ivy: What is it my Candy Prince of Crime?
Sweet Tooth: The man’s got a soft spot for that bird, and another word for soft spot…is weak
spot!! I think it’s time we put an end to this dynamic duet, don’t you? Say goodnight Dark
Knight…parting is such sweet sorrow.
(All laugh and Catwoman meows. Enter Ensemble who begin to dance with Robin and Batman)
Dance Break - Song Ends - Stage Freeze - Blackout!
END OF ACT ONE

30
ACT TWO
(Spot light up on Vicki Vale upstage, mic in hand.)

Vicki: (Broadcasting) It appears the Cape-Crusader has taken on ward. That’s right, Robin, the
Boy-Wonder, and this bird-boy has all of Gotham aflutter. We here at Channel 7 have taken to
the streets to find out what Gotham has to say about the Dark Knight’s not so dark new pal.
(Exit Vicki Vale. Lights up on Pizza Deliverer downstage)
Deliverer 1: (Making a pizza) Oh? Yeah? Robin…errr… what do I think of Robin?
(Lights up on Construction Worker, center stage)
Worker: (Operating a jackhammer) Ahh…that man is hanging around with some fuckin’ kid
now? What do I think of that?
(Lights up on Shopkeeper stage left)
Shopkeeper: What can I say about Robin that hasn’t been said already?
Deliverer 1: Explain to me that…
Worker: ...I might be the only one who thinks this, but ah…
Shopkeeper: …I’m pretty sure that everyone agrees that…
All: Robin SUCKS!
Deliverer 1: Batman’s a loner, you know? But know he’s running around telling jokes with
some kid, it’s like…don’t do dat.
Shopkeeper: Where’s the kid’s parents?
(Enter Geeks.)
Geek 1: The Batman should always be a solitary figure, and the concept of a child crime fighter
is ridiculous! It ruins the gritty realism of a man who fights crime as a bat.
Geek 2: So, say we all, EXCELSIOR!
Geek 1: Amen to that!
Song: Robin Sucks
Geeks: Batman doesn't need a sidekick

Undermines his whole aesthetic
Whole thing just gives me a headache
All: Robin sucks!
(Exit ensemble. Black Out. Phone rings. Lights up on door, enter Superman on his cellphone,
voicemail track playing.)
Batman’s Voice Mail: (Pre-recorded) You’ve reached the voice mail of: “Bruce-man, I mean
Bat-Wayne, I mean—Ah Fuck—.” Please leave a message after the tone. (Beep.)
Superman: Hey Batman, its Superman. So, I heard about your new sidekick; that’s cool. So,
you’re copying me again? I mean, everyone remembers my sidekick… KRYPTO!? The
Superdog! Like hell, growing up that Superdog was a Superman’s best friend. Then we moved to
Metropolis and he started chasing cars and destroying them and leaving some super-poops on the
floor of my not-so-super-efficiency. Then he super-humped Lois’s leg which put her in a full
body cast—that was kinda strike three for Krypto. So, I moved him into a pen in the fortress—
but I guess he couldn’t take the solitude. (Cheesy music.) He wanted to run, not be cooped up.
31
So, he ran off on me. I miss that dog. (beat) Speaking of missing things, where were you for the
Solomon Grundy thing on Monday?! It turned out to be smaller than I expected, just a couple of
cool guys; me and…Solomon Grundy. Well, anyways just give me a call back. (Hangs up.
Howling dog.) KRYPTO!?
(Superman rushes off stage after his dog. Enter Deliverer 1 followed by Gordon, Citizen, Vicki
Vale, Shopkeeper, and Geek 1)
Deliverer 1: (Waving the Gotham Gazette) Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Robin sucks!
Citizen: Oh, I’ll take one of those…
(Everyone on stage grabs a paper; nosing against the pages. With each lyric, the papers are
lowered.)
Commissioner Gordon and Ensemble (Alternating):

He may be a solid dude
But Batman he needs solitude
Robin makes him freakin' cute
All: Robin sucks!
Tanya said that Larry said

That Sarah said he wets the bed
He probably does, he's only ten
All: Robin sucks!
Gordon: Now get outta my office…Yup, I live here.

(Exit ensemble. Enter Robin and Geek 2, who is was apprehended by the Boy Wonder.)
Robin: Another criminal, Commissioner! I caught this rebel trying to download Photoshop on to
more than one computer.
Geek 2: I’d like to speak to my lawyer.
Robin: Quite you! (slaps Geek 2)
Gordon: Hey, ummm…Thanks Robin, but where are your pants?
Robin: (To audience) Pants are a luxury. My costume is designed to be aerodynamically perfect!
Gordon: (Under his breath) God you suck.
Robin: (Shaking Gordon) If I would wear pants it would reduce my crime fighting ability by
20%! I can’t afford that, can you!?
(Exit Geek)
Gordon: Well jeez, if you can’t afford a pair of pants I’ll give you mine.
(Gordon takes off his pants. Robin is distracted by the runaway Geek and rushes off stage.)
Gordon: Just let me get ‘em on off here… there you go…Hey! Where’d he go? He vanished.
(Enter Deliverer 1, Shopkeeper, Geek 1, and Vicki Vale)
Commissioner Gordon and Citizens:

Robins aren't scary
They're completely ordinary
Might as well call him canary
Freakin' Robin sucks!
32
Robins are so common

They're the state bird of Wisconsin
So, what else do you need to know
Robin sucks!
(Blackout)
Scene 2—Gotham Square
(Spot light up on Robin who bounces into action upstage.)

Rachel Dawes: (O.S.) Help, help! Somebody help me!
Robin: (to audience) I know that sound all too well. That’s the sound of an innocent soul falling
victim to the world’s injustice. Well, it’s time for the Robin to swoop in. Grayson-Dive! (Exit
Robin).
(Lights up down stage. Enter Rachel Dawes stage right, panicking)
Rachel Dawes: Help, help! Somebody help me!
(Re-enter Robin downstage left)
Robin: Miss Rachel Dawes of the D.A.’s office? Well, don’t worry I’m here to help.
Rachel Dawes: Oh, well thank God! (spins around and notices Robin) Oh, Robin…great I
wanted help no a baby-sitting gig. Just when I though this mugging couldn’t get any worse.
(Enter Gangster; weapon in hand)
Robin: (Maintaining a fighting position) Get behind me! Stand down, criminal or I’ll be forced
to use force.
(Gangster begins to feel very ill)
Robin: (standing down) Good heavens sir, you look ill. (Gangster collapses) Oh my! Heavens to
Betsy! This man needs a doctor, he needs to go to the hospital so he can go to jail.
Gangster: (in pain) D-d-da boss said the pain would go away, and dat my tum tum wouldn’t
hurt…no MORE!
Robin: What’s the matter with your tum tum?
Gangster: (childlike) IT’S FREAKIN’ UPSET! Da boss…he mates me eat… (begins to spasm
uncontrollably)
Robin: What? What did he make you eat?
Gangster: P-p-pop-rocks…and a c-c-cocah-Colaa…
Robin: Pop-Rocks and a Coke!?
(Gangster begins to explode. Robin pushes him off stage and gestures to Miss Dawes to:
Robin: GET DOWN!
(BOOM! Black out. Hysterical laughter. Lights up on Sweet Tooth upstage)
Sweet Tooth: I always like to enter on a BANG!
Robin: (Recovering) Who are you?
Sweet Tooth: Me? Why I’m the one who’s been feeding Gotham’s craving for chaos. Haven’t
you and Batman enjoyed my latest batch, *M&Ms*: Murder and Mayhem; there they are!
Robin: Gotham City still has a sweet tooth?
Sweet Tooth: That’s me.
Robin: And you’re the one behind all the new villains in town!
33
Sweet Tooth: Well, aren’t you a *SMARTIE*!

Robin: (reaching for the Smarties) Oh, I like these! (passes them to Miss Dawes who begins to
eat them) Oh! Well your sugar high is over Sweet Tooth, and you’re right about to crash into
Arkham Asylum, that is.
Sweet Tooth: (laughs hysterically) Oh! You’re the one who is nutty if you think I’m the one
who is going to the nut house, my *ALMOND JOY* Wonder.
Robin: (Accepting the Almond Joy and presenting it to the audience) Ughh… I don’t like these.
Sweet Tooth: Well perhaps you’ll enjoy my next batch… Get’em my Sour Patch Kids!
(Enter Joe and Gob)
Joe: (Pointing his bazooka at Robin) ‘Bout time we candy-coat this Robin’s breast red!
Gob: We’re gonna tear out your Jelly-Belly.
Robin: Miss Dawes, go! I’ll take care of the Lollipop Guild.
Rachel Dawes: Thanks Robin. (begins to exit) Hey, now I feel bad for thinking you suck.
Robin: Just go!
Sweet Tooth: Oh, you’re not going anywhere Miss Dawes. *GOBSTOPPER! *
(Gob approaches Robin in hand-to-hand combat)
Robin: I’m sorry Gob, but I’m the only jaw breaker around here!
(Robin punches Gob in the face.)
Sweet Tooth: Ugh! Do I have to do everything myself?! Hand me my bazooka, Joe… NOW,
GODAMMIT! (grabs the bazooka and shoots Miss Dawes)
Rachel Dawes: No! (informing audience) That bazooka is shooting me with Bubble-Gum.
Mmmmm…I can’t move ‘em. They’re wrapped in Bubblicious. (begins to chew on the gum)
Robin: Miss Dawes! (to audience) And I thought I was a Gum-Shoe!
(Enter Candy)
Candy: (laughing) Now that’s what I call a sticky situation, huh, S.T.?
Sweet Tooth: Oh, you said it Candy! Well, what do you think Robin? Doesn’t Candy here look
good enough to eat? She’s my little *SUGAR BABY*!
Candy: Yeah, and he’s my *SWEETART*! (continues to laugh crazily)
Sweet Tooth: I’M THE ONE WHO MAKES THE CANDY PUNS AROUND HERE! GOT
IT!? (bitch-slaps Candy who instantly falls to the ground)
Robin: (coming to Candy’s rescue) Oh, miss…miss, did he hurt you?
(Candy gently rises)
Candy: No. It felt like…a *KISS*.
Robin: Kiss…what could it mean…?
Candy: Take this, bird boy!
(Candy stabs Robin with a piece of candy)
Robin: (slowly falling) Nooooo!!!
Candy: So, what do you say S.T.? Shall we kill him *NOWorLATER*?
Sweet Tooth: No, no, no…I have plans for this little *CHICLET*… *TAKE5* boys, we got a
long night ahead of us! Candy, be a *DOVE* and tell my tropes to advance on Gotham Square.
(Joe and Gob drag Robin off stage) Get ready my darling-diluted-Dark-Knight, it’s a gonna be
*HOTTAMALES* in the old town tonight!
(Sweet Tooth and Candy laugh hysterically. Black out.)
34
Scene 3—The Bat Cave
(Lights up on Batman busy at his main console. Enter O’Malley [Alfred in disguise] with the
mail.)
O’Malley: Mail, sir.
Batman: Oh, thank you O’Malley. (takes the mail) Let’s see…bills…bills…hey! What’s this!?
It’s a letter form Spider-Man! It’s probably about that lousy-ass-slow-plane I sent him. Let’s take
a look. (opens the letter) “Dear Bats, thanks for the offer but I won’t be able to take the plane off
of your hand, I don’t have any place to stick it—
(Batman silently laughs and snorts uncontrollably)
Batman: — “Love, your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man. P.S: I’m a huge fan, I follow you
on the web.”
(Batman, once again, silently laughs and snorts uncontrollably)
Batman: (Pulling himself together) Wow! What a sweetheart. You know what? This is going on
the Bat-Fridge. Quick! O’Malley, to the Bat-Fridge!
(Batman swoops up and casually walks to the Bat-Fridge.)
Batman: (placing Spider-Man’s letter on the Bat-Fridge) There! I put it right next to Robin’s
great drawing I gave an A+…plus…plus…plus, plus, plus… (blows kisses at Robin’s drawing)
O’Malley: Well, I’ll just uh…take this rubbish away! Newspapers are most of the time, a waste
of time.
Batman: O’Malley! I wanna read the funnies.
O’Malley: Uh… Well, let me read them for you.
Batman: Okay.
O’Malley: (Opening the paper and slipping to the comic page) “Dilbert’s co-workers have made
a quip at his expense… Will that man ever iron his tie?”
Batman: (laughing) That sounds funny, give it to me! (grabs the paper from O’Malley)
O’Malley: Wait, sir…please!
Batman: (Reading the headlines) What!? “Robin the Boy-BLUNDER?” What’s this? (turns to
the article) “Batman’s new sidekick is a lame-cheery-cheesy-fruity-fruit-cake with no pants and
a Hamburglar mask…? He ruined the once beloved, dark and gritty, Batman…” Robin ruined
Batman? But…but that’s not true. Robin make Batman happy… O’Malley, why would
somebody write something like this?
O’Malley: Well, I uh…I suppose they think he’s stupid.
Batman: Pffffttt. (chuckling) That’s ridiculous. What’s stupid about a happy little boy, flying
around Gotham City spreading cheer to all the people?
O’Malley: Well, if you put it that way you can’t blame ‘em. Well, almost everything is stupid—
Batman: WHAT!!! Robin is NOT stupid!! You’re stupid!
O’Malley: Hey.
Batman: You’ve always hated Robin, haven’t you? Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Well, your bat
sliding days are over. Get out of the Bat Cave you drunken slob, you’re fired!!
O’Malley: You’re getting lose in this crazy character of yours.
Batman: What?
O’Malley: Well if that’s what you bloody want then FINE!
Batman: Fine.
O’Malley: Good.
Batman: Great.
35
O’Malley: (heading for the door) I’ll pack my things.

Batman: Don’t bother I’ll have them burned.
O’Malley: Fuck you.
Batman: Fuck yooooouu…
(O’Malley exits, slamming the door behind him)
Batman: (settling down. Begins to reread the paper) Hamburglar mask? This doesn’t make any
sense.
(Enter Qwang Li [Alfred in disguise again] followed by quiet Chinese-esque music)
Qwang Li: Oh herro...
Batman: Who are you, and how did you get into the Bat Cave?
Qwang Li: Oh. Forgiveness please…the agency just sent me over. My name is Qwang Li, the
Chinese butler.
Batman: (shaking Qwang Li’s hand) Good to meet you Qwang Li. I’m Bat-Wayne…errr…I’m
Bruce-Man…fuck…I’M BATMAN…and I’m in a bad mood.
(Bat-Alarm goes off!)
Qwang Li: Oh! The Bat-Alarm, sir!
Batman: You’re right, put it up on the big screen.
Qwang Li: Very good, sir.
(Exit Qwang Li. Lights dim. Batman remains in front of his computer, watching.)
Scene 4—Channel 7 Urgent Broadcast
(Enter Vicki Vale, lit by spotlight upstage)

Vicki Vale: (Broadcasting) We interrupt this traditional New Year’s Eve broadcast of Notting
Hill to bring you a special news bulletin. Less than thirty minutes ago Gotham square has been
taken hostage by a force of heavily armed thugs. Amongst the Rogues some of Batman’s most
deadly foes have been spotted, including: Catwoman, Killer Moth, Maxie Zeus, and Mr. Freeze.
Police are trying desperately to rescue the three thousand plus citizens being held hostage.
(Exit Vicki Vale.)
(Lights up on Gordon and O’Hara.)
Gordon: Send in the choppers!
(Lights up on Evil Sherlock Holmes upstage)
Sherlock: It’s elementary Gotham! You’re no match for my Heat Ray! (Begins shooting at the
choppers, providing cheesy sound effects for his Heat Ray)
(Lights fade on Evil Sherlock Holmes as the sound of crashing helicopters rise)
Gordon: No! Get dose choppers outta dere! What am I thinking? I’m such a boob.
(Light dim as Gordon and O’Hara exit.)
(Spot light up on Vicki Vale)
Vicki Vale: (broadcasting) ...But up until now police have been unable to penetrate the
barricade of Rogues surrounding the square, and just ten minutes ago we here at Channel 7 have
received this video footage from the Rogue’s ringleader and we’ve been demanded to air it. I
warn you it is disturbing.
(Exit Vicki. Enter Sweet Tooth downstage, singing:
Sweet Tooth: Who can take the sunrise…?
And sprinkle it with BLOOD!
36
Why hello Gotham City. It’s me, Sweet Tooth. Time for your—
(Enter Two-Face, interrupting Sweet Tooth’s broadcast)
Two-Face: —And Two-Face.
Sweet Tooth: Beat it, Two-Face.
Two-Face: Wait, but…
(Exit Two-Face)
Sweet Tooth: Let’s try that again, shall we? Hello Gotham, it’s me. I’m sure you noticed by now
that Gotham square is at my sticky grasp, but just like a kid in a candy store I managed to sneak a
few extra goodies into my pockets when nobody was looking. Let’s take a peek at my secret
stash, shall we…? Oh! And Batman… I sure hope you’re watching because this is sure to make
your mouth water. (Enter Candy and Robin) The Boy Wonder-Ball! Poor Robin. He risks his life
trying to be Gotham’s *LIFESAVER* and they hate his guts. But how much? See, I’m dying to
find out… So, I devised a little…a little… *WHATCHAMACALLIT*… A DEATH TRAP!
Feast your eyes on this! (Enter Joe carrying the Nuclear Warhead) My Nuclear *WARHEAD*!
At exactly 5 a.m. tomorrow morning I will lower the Warhead into the city’s water supply…
Oh… it’s going to be quite the *FUNDIP*…because the Warhead will make the water so tart
that anyone who drinks from it will—well perhaps I’ll just show you… Let’s give it a little lick,
shall we? Miss Rachel Dawes! Come on down.
(Enter Joe forcing Rachel Dawes onto the Warhead)
Rachel Dawes: (Squirming) No, no…please!
Sweet Tooth: It puts the Warhead on its tongue!
Candy: Or else it gets the hose again.
(Rachel Dawes forcefully licks the Warhead. She begins to spasm and flop down stage,
eventually ending with her implosive death)
Sweet Tooth: That’s right…her head imploded! Just like all of Gotham’s will unless…
*SKITTLE* me this...’Will Gotham forsake his heroes, or will his heroes forsake Gotham?’ You
see, I set up a Facebook poll, and for the next seven hours we’ll be taking votes from the Gotham
populist. The moment the sunrises I will either: lower the Warhead into the city’s water supply,
or I will kill Robin. So, it’s all for the people of Gotham to decide! Do I implode your heads, or
put a bullet in the Boy Wonder’s? I think I can already guess your decision. So, unless Batman
betrays you all and shows up at Gotham square to save his little *NERD*, then Robin dies at
dawn.
(Sweet Tooth and Candy begin to cackle. Re-enter Two-Face who spoils the fun)
Two-Face: Yeah, and simultaneously, while that is happening; I, Two-Face will be
simultaneously be robbing the second Gotham City National Bank of all its two dollar bills…So,
collectors of out-of-print currency, beware!
(Two-Face, Sweet Tooth and co. exit.)
(Lights up on Batman who begins to mime trashing the Bat Cave in a fanatic rage; providing his
own sound effects.)
Batman: NOOO!!! SWEET TOOTH!!! No! Robin…! (ad-lib.) What do I do!? Do I forsaken
Gotham City or save my oldest chum? I—no, I—I wish Alfred was here… (Begins to pout)
(Enter Qwang Li, who starts to slowly take off his disguise.)
Alfred: I’m here sir.
Batman: Alfred?
Alfred: That’s me.
Batman: You…you came back…? (They embrace) Thank you.
37
Alfred: I never left. I always been right here (presses Batman’s chest)
(Batman and Alfred begin to playfully squeeze at each others’ noses until Batman punches
Alfred.)
Batman: (helping Alfred up) Shit… (pause) What do I do, Al? Do I choose my city or my
friend?
Alfred: Oh well, the classic choice. Every hero must make the decision. You know, a long time
ago I was in Bosnia with your father…this was before the war…we were helping a squad of
refugees to cross the border. There was a tribe chief there who went by the name of Macaron.
You see, he had the unpleasant task to execute his own wife. You see she was a double agent, but
she forgot. She didn’t know who she was working for. So Ol’Mac had a choice to make. Do you
give up on someone you love, or do you abandon your sworn duty to protect the people? It was a
choice that would destroy an ordinary man, but a hero is no ordinary man, is he? A true hero
master Wayne, finds a way to choose both.
Batman: You’re right Alfred. I know what I have to do…Fuck Gotham, I’m saving Robin!
Now, I gotta get out of here. I’ve got to save Robin and stop Sweet Tooth:
Alfred: And I got to stop Two-Face. This looks like a job for Qwang Li (picks up and places his
Asian hat on his head)
Qwang Li: Oh, goodbye sir…borrowing the Bat-Bird.
Batman: Good luck, Qwang Li!
(Exit Qwang Li)
Batman: Prepare yourself Sweet Tooth, my most well-known nemesis. Tonight, you’re taking
no hostages and tonight I’m taking no prisoners!
(Exit Batman. Blackout)
(Lights up on Construction Workers downstage, who are consoling each other.)

Worker 1: Hey, have you been watching the news?
Worker 2: I sure have. That nut-job Sweet Tooth is gonna poison the water supply.
Worker 1: This is even worse when the Joker poisoned the water supply.
Worker 2: Or when Scarecrow poisoned the water supply.
Worker 1: Or when Killer Croc poisoned the water supply; that’s how he died… the poor fool.
Worker 2: (getting more intimate) Hey, don’t worry pal. Kill Robin or risk blowing up our own
heads? It’s obvious what we should vote for.
Worker 1: It’s a no-brainer.
(Door slowly opens; Gotham Citizen leans in holding onto the door handle)
Citizen: You guys better get on Twitter.
(Door slowly closes; exit Citizen)
Worker 1 & 2: Why?
(Door slowly opens again; Gotham Citizen leans in)
Citizen: Batman just tweeted… and I don’t think you’re gonna LIKE IT!
(Door slam; exit Citizen)
Workers 1 & 2: Huhhhh?
(Workers pull out their phones and check Twitter. Lights up on Batman upstage center reading
his tweet)
38
Batman: (Phone in hand: Tweeting) Citizens of Gotham, if you’re choosing to kill Robin then,
hashtag: we can’t be friends. I’m saving Dick, so say goodbye to your heads! Deal with it.
(Exit Batman)
Worker 1: (Lowering phone) I don’t believe it.
Worker 2: Batman really going through with this?
(Lights off on Construction Workers as they exit. Lights up on Vicki Vale upstage center.)
Vicki: (Broadcasting) Holy twit! Gotham has jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire as
Batman’s latest Tweet has set the citizen scene into a state of panic. Experts are saying that if
Batman does save Robin, Sweet Tooth will undoubtedly release the Warhead.
(Exit Vicki)
(Enter Secret Service Officer downstage.)
Officer 1: Mr. President, Mr. President, we have a situation in Gotham…
(Lights up on Secret Service Officer 2 and Donald Trump who is seated and faced away from the
audience upstage)
Officer 1: ...Have you guys been watching the news?
Officer 2: This is the White House, we’re always watching the Fox News.
Officer 1: Then what are we going to do? Gotham is in a state of emergency!
Officer 2: Well, we’ll send in the National Guard.
Officer 1: There’s not enough time to send the National Guard! Not enough time before Batman
rushes in there and gets everybody killed!
Officer 2: Well what do you expect me to do, Johnson?
Officer 1: (Grabs Officer 2 by the scruff and screams:) I DON’T KNOW! Nobody can stop
Batman, and that’s why he’s my favorite superhero.
Trump: (With excusive hand gestures) There is one man who can stop him. Uh, hand me the
phone.
(Officer 1 hands President Trump a cellphone. Trump dials. Blackout. Cheesy ringtone begins to
play [Bad to the Bone]. Lights up on Superman in a rush to answer his phone)
Superman: Hello? Batman? It’s Superman! (quickly catching himself) I mean… (change of
accent) this is one of Superman’s friends. I’ll get Superman for ya, hold on. (Off) Yo! Sups! (as
Superman) Uh, what is it Snoop Dog? (as Snoop Dog) You got a phone call, mothafucka. (as
Superman) Woah, another one? Alright… Hey, hey, tell everybody to tone the party down,
okay? And, uh tell Wonder Woman that her eagle brazier can be found on the floor of my
bedroom and that I saw her naked boobies. (finally answering the phone) Hey, Batman it’s
Superman.
(Lights up on Trump.)
Trump: Uh, no. This is not Batman.
Superman: (flustered) Well, who is it!?
Trump: This is the greatest president of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump.
Superman: Ugh… What do you want, Mr. President? Make it quick, I’m expecting a phone call.
Trump: Superman, I don’t know if you’ve been watching this fake news, but there is a lot of
trouble in Gotham city. They’re bringing in the drugs, they’re bringing in terrorists. Very bad.
So, I need to ask for a favor. You see, people out there are scared. They’re scared of a man who
is dressed like a bat…
Superman: Batman?
39
Trump: Yeah, you got it. They’re afraid of what he might do. You see, if the Batman saves the
bird boy, then that candy man is gonna destroy the whole city, and that’s bad. So, I want you to
fly over to Gotham’s inner city and tell that Batman: “you’re fired!”
Superman: You want me to arrest Batman? He’s a hero.
Trump: Wrong. You and I got a lot in common; we’re both fighting for the American way best
we can, but that Batman he’s a different bread. He does not care about the law or this beautiful
country we live in.
Superman: I dunno, Donald…I don’t think he’s gonna let me take him in alive.
Trump: Any means necessary, Superman. (beat) Hey, I knew I could count on you. I’m a huge
fan, I follow you on Twitter and everything.
Superman: Really?
Trump: You should tweet at me sometime. My handle is the real Donald Trump, because some
smartass named Bruce Wayne took the name Donald Trump and he just tweets about how dumb
I am. (beat) Well, good luck Superman. Tell Wonder Woman I say hi and then go give that
Batman one for the people, by the people. Show them we can make America great again.
Superman: Yeah...
(Lights out on Donald Trump as Superman pockets his phone. Cue music)
Superman: …The American way.
Song: The American Way
Superman: Truth and liberty and justice all are in jeopardy tonight.
All we cherish here, and all the values that we hold dear
Are in the balance tonight.
But we’re American, and it’s America, and in America
We do what’s right.
The firetruck’s here for the kitty in the tree
(enter Citizens; marching behind Superman in salute)
Superman & Citizens: Oh, the American way!

Superman: And if the cops can’t come, you can always call on me.
Superman & Citizens: That’s the American way!
Superman: Because I can, therefore I will. (spoken) I’m coming for you tonight Batman. We
could’ve been friends, but this what happens when you don’t return peoples’ phone calls!
(Exit Superman as Batman enters upstage. Citizens remain dancing)
Batman: Tonight, it’s personal, I’m unleashing my arsenal

To rain blood tonight.
Tonight, I’m gonna save my bro
And if all of Gotham has got to go
Then so be it.
Cause it’s American, and I’m American, and in America
I do what I like.
If money can’t fix it then I haven’t found it yet.
40
Citizens: Oh, the American way!

Batman: Be a born billionaire and have you butler build a jet.
Citizens: That’s the American way!
Batman: Because I can, save my friend, I have no parents,
I’m my own boss man.
(Exit Batman and Citizens. Lights dim as Sweet Tooth, Candy, Scarecrow, Catwoman, and Joe
slowly enter.)
Sweet Tooth: Tonight we’re taking back the town [Ensemble: Ooooo…]
We’ve got a bat trap set we’re gonna catch the clown
In Gotham tonight.
We’re got a warhead ready in the water supply
Tonight The Bat and his bull won’t fly
So Robin goodnight!
Cause it’s America, and we’re American and in America
We fight!
(Lights up. End of ensemble ‘ooooo’s)
Sweet Tooth: Never gonna win ‘til your enemies are dead
Sweet Tooth & Rogues: Oh the American way!
Sweet Tooth: Spreading dread and blowing up their heads.
Sweet Tooth & Rogues: That’s the American way!
Sweet Tooth: Because I candy do as I please. I’m spreading chocolate
On Gotham’s cheese.
(Enter Superman)
Superman: The letter of the law is a capital “S.”

Ensemble: Oh the American way!
(Enter Citizens)
Citizen: We’re all just pawns in a fuckin’ game of chess.

Ensemble: That’s the American way!
(Enter Two-Face)
Two-Face: A briefcase filled with two dollar bills.

Ensemble: Oh the American way!
(Enter Batman)
Batman: Inheritance trust funds, million dollar bills

41
Ensemble: Oh, the American

Not quite Canadian
Most of us are Mexican
American way!
(Lights up on Commissioner Gordon and O’Hara)

O’Hara: Commissioner, the last of the squad cars were just blown to smithereens and the entire
S.W.A.T. team has been rushed to intensive care!
Gordon: Oh boy, it feels like I’m really flubbing this one up.
O’Hara: (trying to set Gordon straight) No sir, don’t you beat yourself up about this.
Gordon: You tell those soldiers to fall back. Abandon Gotham Square…
(O’Hara picks Gordon up)
Gordon: We just can’t get through that barricade.
(Exit O’Hara and Gordon. Enter Robin who is pushed on stage by Sweet Tooth. Candy, Sherlock
Holmes, Joe, Scarecrow, and Catwoman enter shortly after)
Sweet Tooth: (Hysterical) Listen to that will you? That’s the sound of chaos—*GOOD &
PLENTY*. (Getting down to Robin’s level) That’s the true nature of humanity Robin. See how
quickly I’m able to make society crumble? Brought the city to its knees, and all it took was a
Facebook pole and some guns. Months of meticulous planning, several hundred thugs, countless
man-hours, a cartoonish sour warhead, and millions among millions of dollars. Not to mention
all that money I spent on FUCKING CANDY!
Candy: But you can do that for free any time you want.
Sweet Tooth: Shut up you idiot! (Throws Good & Plenty box at Candy) The point is Robin.
Don’t count on Batman coming to save you, because he can’t. He won’t, because nothing can get
through my barricade. (getting extremely excited) I got Rogues on the rooftops, Rogues in the
streets, Rogues in the sewers. I got hostages dressed like Rogues, and Rogues dressed up as
hostages! I mean face-it, Batman couldn’t even get in here if he tried! It’s literally impossible. I
HAVE ANTICIAPTED EVERY SINGLE FREAKING— (a plane ‘swoosh’) What was dat?
Catwoman: Oh no! Sweet Tooth, you’re new in town, aren’t you?
Scarecrow: Gasp, that means you don’t know about the plane.
Sweet Tooth: Plane? What plane?
(Lights go out. Sound of the plane breaking the sound barrier)
Scarecrow: What happened to the lights?
Sherlock: The whole block has been knocked out!
Sweet Tooth: Wait, Batman has a plane? Where did he get a flying plane?
(Lights go dim. Laser dots begin to appear.)
Sweet Tooth: Hey… What are these little… *DOTs*?
(Gunfire)
Scarecrow: Woah! We’re getting shot at by some sort of—
Sherlock: The bullets are not lethal, but they are crippling.
Sweet Tooth: (Hiding behind Robin) Sour Patch Kids, shoot down that plane.
Sherlock: I haven’t a clue what to do!
Joe: I can’t sees nothing.
42
Sweet Tooth: Do it, you dumb dumbs. I’m taking Robin with me.
(Exit Sweet Tooth with Robin)
Scarecrow: Hey, take down that plane.
(Gunfire continues. Rogues slowly begin to die)
Sherlock: The bullets are ricocheting and hitting me in the legs. I’ll never walk again!
Joe: He’s shooting missiles at us!
Scarecrow: Ow, my ribs.
Joe: My spine!
Sherlock: My tibia.
(Gunfire and laser dots finish. Batman growls offstage)
Candy: Oh fudge, it’s Batman!
(Exit Candy)
Catwoman: Run for your nine lives!
(Exit Catwoman)
Batman: (from the darkness) Come back you insects, I’m not done with you yet!
(Batman knocks Joe offstage, followed by Scarecrow and Sherlock)
Batman: You think a barricade can stop me? Think again… I’m the goddamn BATMAN!
(Lights flicker and slowly rise. Enter sick hostage)
Batman: You! (grabbing hostage by the scruff) Where’s Sweet Tooth!?
Hostage: He went that way. Into the famous Fun House Candy Factory of Gotham.
Batman: (to himself) Into a candy factory… how predicable. You’re getting stale Sweet Tooth—
Hostage: Batman, please don’t hurt me because I’m one of the hostages—
(Batman sucker punches hostage offstage)
Superman: (O.S.) That’s enough!
(Lights up on Superman in flying formation upstage; held from the waist by a stagehand.)
Batman: You!
Superman: The National Guard will take it from here, Batman. (Superman lands. Exit
stagehand.)
Batman: The hell they will! I’m still saving Robin, and when I find Sweet Tooth I will be the
one to take him down!
Superman: The authorities can handle Sweet Tooth. Who I am here for is you.
Batman: What?
Superman: I’ve been ordered by the president of the United States to place you under arrest…
Ever heard of him?
Batman: Uhhh… yeah…unfortunately.
Superman: You’re fired, Batman. Or should I say butthead?
(Batman screams like a sassy girl)
Batman: You’re in my way! Get out of it, or I’m going through you.
Superman: (Laughing)You want to fight me? Well, I can’t say I won’t enjoy this. I guess we
can finally see who deserves those Twitter followers!
Song: To Be a Man
Superman: I am a man of justice

I am a man of might
Batman: I am a man of vengeance
43
I am a man of the night

You’re such a sycophantic suck up.
How can you call yourself a man?
You say you fight for truth and justice?
I say you’re working for the man, man.
Superman: You line you mask with lead
But I can see into your soul
I see a scared little boy
Behind the cape and the cowl
Batman & Superman:
Fuck you!
I’m gonna kick your ass
Fuck you!
I’m taking you down
Fuck you!
You want to be the man,
You’ve got to beat the man.
I’m gonna show you what it means to be a man, man.
Batman: I’ve learned a lot about life
Since I got me a bro.
Superman: You mean your tiny little sidekick?
You guys are so adorable.
Batman: You’re only jealous man,
It’s so obvious, so clear.
Superman: Me with a sidekick, come on!
Batman: I’ve got on for you right here.
Batman & Superman:
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
[Instrumental]
Superman: All of your toys amuse me

The boat, the Boatmobile, the bike, the plane.
But you can’t grappling hook me
Can’t hit me with your boomerang, naw!
Batman: You look cool in your tights
For an alien dick
I got some kryptonite tonight
I’m onto your shtick
44
Superman: Fuck you!

Batman & Superman:
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you.
Scene 7—Candy Factory
(Spotlight on Batman, struggling onstage after his fight with Superman.)

Batman: Sweet Tooth!!
Sweet Tooth: (O.S.) Life’s a lot like candy isn’t it Batman? Sure, it’s sugar coated on the
outside, but it’s sour at the core. We both know it. The only difference between you and me is
that I managed to see the sweet side, but you just keep trying to take that bite out of crime, and
for what? For a city that voted to kill the only thing you ever loved? The whole world is just
meaningless sugary-fluff, Batman. Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
(Sweet Tooth slowly creeps from the shadows with a gun pointed at Batman)
Sweet Tooth: So, tell me Batman. Why aren’t you eating?
(Batman throws a Bat o’rang, hitting Sweet Tooth in the eye.)
Sweet Tooth: O! How did you? Omigod! (runs off)
Batman: I’m coming for you Sweet Tooth! (runs off)
(Enter Sweet Tooth upstage running and laughing in one spot while holding Robin as hostage.
Re-enter Batman downstage to confront Sweet Tooth.)
Sweet Tooth: (Stops) Hold it right there, Batman. One more step and the boy plunder takes a
dive to that vat of boiling melted hot-chocolate. (Robin gasps)
Batman: No, Sweet Tooth. Put Robin down. Don’t throw him into that vat of boiling melted
hot-chocolate. This is between you and me.
Sweet Tooth: You’re right Batman, this is between you and me. It always has been… I’ll let
Robin go. (Drops Robin in the vat of boiling hot-chocolate) Opps! *BUTTERFINGERS*
(Robin begins to twirl in place; as if falling)
Batman: Robin!!!
Robin: Batman, I’m falling into that vat of boiling melted hot-chocolate.
(Batman mimes and provides his own sound effects as he grapples to save Robin across stage.)
Robin: (In slow motion) Oh no! I’m done for!
(Batman swoops by and saves Robin. Batman then jumps upstage to confront Sweet Tooth)
Sweet Tooth: Woah! Now he’s *RED HOT*. Hey! What’s what?
Batman: What?
(Sweet Tooth stabs Batman. Sweet Tooth is quickly disarmed. They fist fight which quickly turns
into a girlish slap fight)
Sweet Tooth: Oh, you’re so dirty.
45
Batman: (pulling a candy from Sweet Tooth’s jacket) I’m gonna *CRUNCH* you in two.
Sweet Tooth: Oh, come on Batman… gimme a *BREAK*! (KitKat)
Batman: Oh, I’ll give you a break. (Breaks Sweet Tooth’s arm.)
(Sweet Tooth trembles. Batman grabs him by the scruff and lifts him up)
Sweet Tooth: Oh, Batman what are you gonna do, kill me? Do it, Batman. See if the
Snozzberries tastes like Snozzberries.
Batman: No! (Lets Sweet Tooth go) I won’t kill you. But I don’t have to save you from that vat
of boiling hot-chocolate. (Majestically punches Sweet Tooth into the vat of boiling hot-
chocolate)
Sweet Tooth: (Falling) Woah! I’m falling into that vat of boiling hot-chocolate. Oh, but I have
one last trick for you Batman and it’s a real *WHOPPER*! (Throws box of Whoppers at Batman
who catches it) Computer, deploy the Warheads please. (Exit Sweet Tooth)
(Alarms go off followed by computer warning:)
Computer: (O.S.) WARHEAD DEPLOYED. WATER SUPPLY CONTAMINIATION IN 20
SECONDS
Batman: Oh no!
(Batman jumps downs stage and picks up Robin)
Batman: Come on, Robin. We’re getting out of here.
(Lights down on Batman and Robin. Lights up on Commissioner Gordon and O’Hara stage left.)
Gordon: Well, it’s a good thing Batman broke through that barricade.
(Lights down on Gordon and O’Hara. Lights up on Batman and Robin stage left.)
Robin: (waking up in Batman’s arms) Oh, Batman what’s happening? Where we going?
Batman: (Running on spot) We’re going to the Bat-Plane then far away from here.
Robin: What about Gotham?
Batman: Forget Gotham, Robin.
(Alarms and computer warning:)
Computer: WATER CONTAMINATION IN 5 SECONDS
(Lights down on Batman and Robin. Lights up on Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara)
Gordon: For a minute there I was worried, but it looks like everything is taken care of.
(Lights down on Gordon and O’Hara. Lights up on Batman and Robin who have stopped
running.)
Robin: (standing) Forget Gotham? No, I can’t do that! We must do something. We must save
the citizens.
Batman: Robin you don’t understand! Those citizens voted to kill you to save themselves.
They’re murders.
Robin: I refuse to believe that.
(Alarms and computer warning:)
Computer: WATER SUPPLY CONTAMINATED!
(Lights down on Batman and Robin. Lights up on Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara)
Gordon: Let’s celebrate with my favorite pass time: water shots!
O’Hara: Water shots!
Gordon: Right from the faucet.
(Gordon fills an imaginary glass with water from the imaginary water faucet.)
Gordon: Alright… here I go… yummy yummy! (Takes his water shot then begins to spasm)
O’Hara: Commissioner? What’s wrong? Is it the water? I know (to audience) I’ll check as well.
(O’Hara takes a sip from the faucet then begins to spasm like Gordon)
46
O’Hara: Oh my! It was the water.

(Gordon and O’Hara splat to their deaths. Lights on Batman and Robin.)
Batman: Well, it’s too late now, Robin. Quickly, get to the Bat-Plane. We’ve got to get out of
Gotham before we get thirsty.
Robin: (Holding up his phone) Batman look!
Batman: What?
Robin: I pulled up the results to that Facebook poll on my iPhone X. See for yourself. (handing
Batman his iPhone)
Batman: (reading comments from the phone) Anonymous—
(Enter Gotham citizens upstage. Lights up on Pizza Deliverer)
Deliverer 1: —You know, I may think that Robin sucks, but if Batman likes him, then I’m
gonna help him out.
(Lights up on Construction Worker)
Worker: Batman saved my life and if paying him back means imploding my own head then
fuckin’ yeah.
(Lights up on Shopkeeper)
Shopkeeper: You can kill someone to save your own heart. Batman taught me that.
Deliverer 1: What’s so bad about Robin anyway? He’s just trying to stand-up for something.
Worker: Yeah. He’s just a little kid like you and me.
Deliverer 1: No older then my son’s age.
(Pizza Deliverer kneels. Worker shuffles over and sits on Deliverer’s knee, characterizing an
infant.)
Shopkeeper: You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.
(Lights off on Gotham citizens. Lights up on Batman and Robin.)
Batman: (to himself) They chose Robin… Those wretched, pin-head, puppets of Gotham…
(beginning to whimper) I love ‘em.
Robin: You see, Batman, Gotham is worth saving. This city just showed you that it’s full of
people ready to believe in good.
Batman: You’re right, Robin. Gotham has taught me that its full of people who are ready to
believe in good. (reality kicks in) But it’s too late. It’s too late, Robin! (crying) What have I
done?
Robin: It may be too late for us, but if you can put away your foolish pride there is someone
who can help us.
Batman: Who?
(Blackout. Superman’s cheesy ringtone goes off [Bad to the Bone]. Lights up on Superman who
is on the floor recovering upstage. Superman answers on speakerphone)
Superman: Hello?
(Lights up on Batman, downstage center on the phone)
Batman: Hi Superman, it’s Batman.
Superman: (without a different accent) Hold on this is one of Superman’s friends. I’ll get
Superman for you.
Batman: Alright thanks.
Superman: (beat) What do you want, this is Superman!?
Batman: Hi Superman, it’s Batman. I need a super favor. Gotham City is done for. People’s
heads are imploding all over the place and it’s all my fault. I need you to save the city.
Superman: Yeah? What am I supposed to do about it?
47
Batman: Well… I dunno… I mean you can do something. You’re the only one who is powerful
enough.
Superman: Yeah, why does that even matter? Everyone still likes you more then me. Why
should I help you? (beat) You beat me up and you yelled at me. You made this bed, Batman, and
now you got to sleep in it.
Batman: (lowers phone. At Robin) He’s really pissed.
Robin: Keep going.
Batman: Look, Clark… I’m sorry. Okay? I forgot what it means to be a superhero, but were not
that different you and me. (motivating) At our heart, all superheroes are pretty much… the same;
we’re all just orphans. I’m an orphan. You’re an orphan. Robin’s an orphan—
Superman: Spider-Man’s an orphan—
Batman: —Yeah! Spider-Man’s an orphan! So is Ironman, and Cyclopes, and Wolverine and all
the X-Men. You see, the point is that something bad happened to use once when we were young.
So, we dedicated out whole lives and threw in a little bit of good. That’s why we got into this
whole superhero business. Not to be the most popular, or even the most powerful. Because if that
were the case, you would have the rest of us put out of the job. You can fly. You can crush things
with your bare hands. You got x-ray vision! You can see girls’ totties whenever you want! You
know, Clark, I think that’s the reason I was such an asshole to you—I think you’re cool, man.
Superman: I think you’re cool too. Not to mention, your mother had the same name as my
mom!
Batman: Martha!?
Superman: Martha!
Batman: Then why the fuck aren’t we friends?
Superman: I dunno.
Batman: Well I dunno either. We probably should be friends.
Superman: Maybe we can hang out in your cave sometime.
Batman: Yeah, maybe…or maybe we can hang out in your ice fortress in Antarctica! Agh! That
is cool! And you got Krypto the super dog, he’s cool.
Superman: Some people think Krypto is stupid.
Batman: Fuck them! You know some people think Robin is stupid, but those people are
pretentious douchebags. Because literally the only difference between Robin and I are our
costumes. Robin is cool. Krypto is cool. Antman is cool. The Atom. Aquaman! Augh! Gloves!
Capes! Masks! Superheroes are cool, man. Helping people is cool. And you…you’re goddamn
great at helping people. So, come on! There’s a city full of people that need your help. So where
is that man, Clark? Where’s that man who can jump over a building? Where’s that man who is
more powerful than a locomotive? Where’s that man who is faster than a speeding bullet?
Where…is…that…Superman!?
Superman: (ascending with pride) I’m right here! I know what I have to do. I’m gonna have to
fly faster than I have ever flown before. Batman, I’ll see you on the other side.
Batman & Robin: Thank you, Superman.
(Lights off on Batman & Robin. Superman jumps into flights down stage. Superman flies through
the atmosphere and into outer space)
Superman: Woah! I’ve made it to space.
(Enter large sized planet Earth)
Superman: Well, here goes nothing.
48
(Superman flies in the opposite direction of the Earth’s rotation until the Earth begins to rotate
in reverse. Gordon and O’Hara begins to rewind their last scene. Enter Batman and Sweet Tooth
up stage; rewinding their last scene together. Superman lands. Exit Earth.)
Sweet Tooth: (Falling again into the vat of boiling hot-chocolate. Whooper box in hand) I got
one last treat for you Batman, and it’s a real *WHOPPER*. (Throws Whopper box to Batman.
Exit Sweet Tooth) Computer, deploy the Warhead please.
(Exit Batman. Alarms and computer warning:
Computer: (O.S.) WARHEAD CONTAMINAITONING WATER SUPPLY IN 20 SECONDS.
(Enter cartoonish sized Warhead downstage carried on by a stagehand)
Superman: Take this Warhead carrying robot! (Superman punches stagehand off stage and
grabs the Warhead for himself) Son of a bitch, what do I do with a Warhead? Sun of a bitch,
that’s it! Back to outer space!
(Superman flies upstage passing multiple planets on his way. Superman sends the Warhead into
the sun and it explodes. Black out!)
(Lights up on Batman and Robin finishing their phone call with Superman)
Batman & Robin: Thank you, Superman.
(Enter Superman, jumping into action after coming back from outer space)
Batman & Robin: Superman!
Superman: I did it!
Robin: What!? How?
Superman: (catching his breath) I flew around the world until it went back in time and grabbed
the Warhead and threw it into the sun! And that’s why they call me Superman!
Batman: Wow! That’s amazing.
Superman: It’s a pretty neat trick. Too bad I can only do it once… Bruce…
Batman: Wait! How’d you know my secret identity?
Superman: I just followed you home after the first day we met.
Batman: Well there you go.
(Enter Gordon followed by Gotham citizens)
Gordon: Hey look everybody it’s Batman, he saved the city again.
(Citizens cheer)
Batman: Now, now, calm down everybody I didn’t’ save Gotham, in fact I nearly lead you all to
your doom. (to Robin) I saved my friend. (to Superman) But it was Superman, he’s the one who
saved Gotham city. He’s the real hero today.
Deliverer 1: Batman is just being modest, let’s hear it for that other guy.
Shopkeeper: Three cheers for Captain Marvel!
Citizens: Cheers, cheers—
Superman: —Hey guys stops, I’m not used to this kind of attention—
Citizens: Alright
Gordon: Alright, bye.
(Exit Gordon and Citizens)
Batman: You know, Clark, we should work together more often. God that’ll be cool! Imagine it:
you, me, Robin… a couple of other cool guys. We’ll be like a league for justice.
49
Superman: Hey, I like that, but what will we call ourselves? What do you call a league for
justice anyway?
Robin: I have the perfect name (beat) the Super Friends.
(Superman and Batman are ecstatic)
Batman: Yeah! The Super Friends!
Superman: That’s great. I got to tweet that, where’s my phone? —
Spider-Man: (O.S.) Hey guys, got room for one more?
(Enter Spier-Man, who is agile as hell)
Superman: Cool. Woah. He’s agile as hell.
Batman: He sure is!
(Spider-Man attempts to do a summersault across stage but fails)
Robin, Batman, & Superman: Help him up!
Robin: Spider-Man, you want to join the Super Friends?
Spiderman: That’s right.
Batman: (to Superman) Hey, maybe we can fight some of your villains for a change?
Superman: Yeah, not many really know this but my villains are actually pretty cool.
(Enter Mr. Mxyzptlk upstage)
Mr. Mxyzptlk: Muhahahaha…. Now the world shall tremble before the might of Mr. Mxyzptlk!
(Super Friends jump upstage and collectively punch Mr. Mxyzptlk offstage. Enter Green
Lantern, beer in hand.)
Green Lantern: Hey guys, what’d I miss?
Batman, Robin, Superman, & Spider-Man: The Green Lantern!
Robin: This guy!
Superman: Now we’re talking.
Song: Super Friends
Batman: It seems so funny as I look back on the folly of my ways

I climbed as high as one can climb on their alone.
I scaled the highest mountain did a pirouette at the tippity top
And when you
Super Friends: Gotta get down, gotta get down, gotta get down
You need someone to count on.
Green Lantern: Some mark their friendship with bracelets and lockets
Superman: Some measure their friendship in silver and gold.
Spider-Man: Some show their friendship with matching tattoos
Super Friends: We forge our friendship by saving the world!

I want to be your friend forever.
Robin: I want to be a modern dancer!

50
Super Friends: What super queer thing to say that came out of nowhere.
Robin: Pass me the cup of kinship.
Superman: Meet me at my place, the fortress of friendship.
Super Friends: I want to be your friend forever.
Robin: I want to see the Eiffel Tower.

Super Friends: With the power of a super friends, you’re never alone.
Robin: I want to be play Nintendo.
Super Friends: Who needs Nintendo when you’ve got a friend, oh!
Batman: Like a bat in the sun, I’m losing my guano.

I’ve only know darkness all my days.
Super Friends: Dude it’s cool, it’s chill, we’re totally here for you.
(Hawkman flies by upstage)
Batman: Will there still be scary times? [Hawkman: Yeah.]

And sad times? Then what? [Hawkman: Cool.]
Robin: Tequila times.
Green Lantern: I’ve got the limes.
Super Friends: I want to be your friend forever.
Robin: I want to meet the Dali Lama.
Super Friends: With the power of a super friends you’re never alone.
Robin: I want to learn to play the banjo.
Super Friends: Who needs a banjo when you’re got a man show!
(Enter entire COMPANY dressed up as various superheroes)
Ensemble: I want to be your friend forever!

I want to be your friend forever!
51

Batman: Finally, I’ve found a friend

I’ve finally found a friend!
Batman & Robin: Finally, I’ve found a friend

I’ve finally found a friend! [Ensemble 1: Super Friend!]
Finally, I’ve found a friend
Finally, I’ve found a friend
[Repeated 1x]
Ensemble 2: Super friends, super duper friends!

Super friends, super duper friends!
Narrator: One man, many friends! [Ensemble: Ooooo…]

Going down a road that never ends.
Super friends, super bros.
Super hearts with super souls.
Super Friends: We’re like long lost brothers who’ve found each other
And loved each other like family.
Ensemble 1: Holy Musical
Ensemble 2: No more dark sad lonely nights!
Ensemble 3: Rouges are we!
All: No more dark sad lonely BATMAN!
Pose—Blackout—Curtain!
END

Holy Musical B@Man! Script: Written by Matt & Nick Lang, With Lyrics and Music by Nick Gage and Scott Lamps

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Holy Musical B@Man! Script: Written by Matt & Nick Lang, With Lyrics and Music by Nick Gage and Scott Lamps

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HOLY MUSICAL B@MAN!

AND MUSIC BY NICK GAGE AND SCOTT LAMPS

He’s just one boy.

Except, be the baddest man

He’s got Gotham

(Enter Alfred with Batman’s cowl and gloves)

He makes one vow

(Black Out. Exit Batman)

(Lights up. Enter Eddie and Matches looking around)

Scene 3—Streets of Gotham

Narrator: And he’s catching those crooks

Ensemble: Holy Musical Batman!

(Exit ensemble. Enter O’Hara who approaches Gordon in a hurry)

(Enter four ‘Brooklyn’ gangsters. Dimmed lights)

Scene 5—Streets of Gotham

(Enter Shopkeeper stage left, lit by a spotlight)

Narrator: To fight the fiends and the foul

Ensemble: Holy Musical Batman!

Holy Musical Batman!

Scene 6—Streets of Gotham (cont.)

Narrator: And he’s breaking up gangs

Ensemble: Holy Musical Batman!

Batman: …Love Batman.

Ensemble: Holy Musical Batman!

Gordon: Alright everybody, pizza is on me!

Ensemble: Holy Musical Batman!

Scene 7—City Hall

Deliverer 1: It’s an attack

(Laughs from Superman and Gotham citizens)

Batman: Faster than you!

Scene 8—The Bat Cave

Song: Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight

Alfred: Poor Master Bruce, poor Mr. Wayne

I tried to raise you right, I tried to raise you proper.

And insulate you from any outside source of fright.

(Exit Alfred. Lights up on Batman, slumped over on the crates)

Batman: When I look at my life I see something’s not right

Put most of the blame on Alfred.

Oh! I’m falling apart, I need a friend. [Ensemble: La la la la…]

I was seeing a girl for a while, a couple of days anyway

I’m falling apart, I need a friend. [Ensemble: La, la, la…]

I want to be somebody’s buddy

(Enter Green Lantern)

Batman, Superman, Green Lantern: I want to be somebody’s buddy.

Batman: I want to be somebody’s body.

(Exit all. Enter Alfred, newspaper in hand.)

Scene 9—Streets of Gotham

(Lights up on Superman answering his phone)

Scene 10—Villain Lair

Song: Rogues Are We

Scarecrow: Line up, sign up

Poison Ivy: And a dirty way to win. Yeah!

Penguin: Get pissed, enlist

Mr. Freeze: Let the villainy begin

Catwoman: We are the harlots and the hussies

Riddler: Riddle me this

All: Rogues are we!

(Pose. All begin to hug and greet each other)

Song: Rogue Are We (reprise)

Sweet Tooth: Well, aren’t you a SMARTIE!