HOW TO

RAISE
CONFIDENT

GIRLS
B Y E L E N A F AV I L L I
INDEX

page 2 CHAPTER 1
Why empowering girls is still so hard
(and why it matters)

page 6 CHAPTER 2
The biggest mistake youre doing
with your daughter

page 10 CHAPTER 3
The stories you should tell your
daughter everyday

page 13
CHECKLIST
CHAPTER 1: Why empowering girls is still so hard
(and why it matters)

Last year, I wrote an article for The Guardian. And... I started receiving
death threats. Not just one or two. A lot. I was confused, then scared,
then more scared. But I didnt stop writing.

In that article that I wrote for The Guardian I shared my personal

experience as a female founder of a tech company in Silicon Valley. And
I shared the many sexist situations in which I had found myself.

The first death threat arrived via Twitter, others were posted directly
in the comments section of the article itself. Apparently it is not an
anomaly. The Guardian just published the results of a research into the
70m comments left on its site since 2006 and discovered that of the 10
most abused writers eight are women (and the two men are black).

Its the first quantitative evidence for what female journalists have long
Why is everything suspected: articles written by women attract more abusive comments
than those written by men, regardless of what the article is about.
still so hard for
women? And why Why is everything still so hard for women? And why is talking about it
is talking about it still so painful?

still so painful? In the past year, Ive done a lot of research to try to answer these
questions. And the first thing I discovered is that gender is not an easy
conversation to have, because talking about gender means talking about
changing the status quo and thinking of changing the status quo makes
everyone uncomfortable.

Take cooking for example. Today, women in general are more likely to do
housework than men. But why is that? Is it because women are born with
a cooking gene or is it because over the years they have been taught
over and over to see cooking as their role?

Think about it for a second.

Yes, men and women are different. We have different hormones, different
sexual organs, and different biological abilities. Women can have babies,
for example. Men cant. But its the culture that we make that exaggerate

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 those differences and then turns them into a self fulfilling prophecy. So if
youre a girl, youre supposed to naturally like cooking and if youre a
boy, youre supposed to naturally like sports, until someone points out
that the majority of famous cooks in the world are men.

(And until someone points out that the most famous athlete of our time
is Serena Williams.)

So what if, in raising children, we focused on ability instead of gender?

What if we focused on interest instead of gender?

Think about it for a second.

Think about all the gender stereotypes that you have internalized
growing up and think about how much freer youd have been without
them, without people telling you that boys dont cry or that girls
should always be nice. I know for sure that it would have saved me a
lot of pain.

So, in this ebook, Im gonna teach you how to save your daughter from
that pain.

1. Im gonna give you a process and a framework that you can use
to recognize gender stereotypes and avoid passing them on to your
daughters.

Learn how to 2. Youll learn how to listen to your girls without prejudice, how to help
them discover their true passions, and how to help them stand up for
listen to your girls themselves and their friends.
without prejudice,
how to help them 3. So that at the end of these 3 lessons youll have all the most important
resources you need to raise confident, strong girls who truly believe they
discover their true can be anything they want.
passions, and how
Now I want you to imagine you daughter 20 years from now.
to help them stand
up for themselves Think about what she could be.
and their friends.
An astronaut like Mae Jemison.
A tennis player like Serena Williams.
A judge like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
An engineer like Margaret Hamilton.

Take Ann Makoninski, the Canadian girl who invented a flashlight that
works with the heat of your body when she was just 15 years old and is
one of the most promising inventors of our time.

Take these stories I just gave you and put them in the back of your head,

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 and use them as motivation, as inspiration, as an example of whats
possible when you raise a girl completely free of gender stereotypes.

For each of the chapters of this book, youll find a page with an actionable
worksheet that will help you put the theory into practice and help your
daughter grow into a confident, strong, good woman.

But the first thing you need to do is answer this question:

Why do you want to empower young girls?

Thats the question you need to answer.

Heres my answer:

I want to empower young girls so that they can have the freedom to
always stay true to themselves and choose what they want to be without
I want to empower feeling guilty about it.

young girls so So the very first resource I want to teach you is clearly articulating why,
that they can have exactly why you want to raise confident girls. Because without that,
without a clearly articulated why you will not have the dedication, you
the freedom to will not have the resolve, you will not have the persistence it takes to
always stay true actually change the status quo.
to themselves
If you need an inspiration, take a look at these 25 examples of parents
and choose what like you, who have started this journey and want to raise confident girls,
they want to be exactly like you. Ive talked to them over the past 6 months and these
are their reasons. Use them as inspiration, use them to clarify your own
without feeling thoughts.
guilty about it. 1. I want to make them passionate about something.
2. I want to encourage her to pick friends who encourage each other.
3. I want to counterbalance another parent who indirectly diminishes women.
4. I want her to focus on being healthy and strong and not body conscious.
5. I want to empower girls to be confident enough to just try something and
not shy away or be a victim (I have two little girls!)
6. I want to motivate her to do her very best.
7. I want her to be able to do the things she likes the most. Go and do it!
8. I want her to have confidence in herself.
9. I want her to get rid of prejudices, even those regarding men (strong,
soldiers, more sexual than women, etc...).
10. I want her to get equality at work.
11. I want to help my daughters to be sensible enough to recognize discrimination.
12. I want to make my daughter self confident and avoid omologation and
blind acceptance.
13. I want her to think about what is the most beautiful thing of herself that she
could donate to this world.
14. I want her to have faith in herself and be determined.
15. I want to live in a world where there is no need to hate young girls. I want
young girls to be happy.
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 16. I want to help them identify sexist behaviours from others and then to
respond to them in the right way
17. I want to help girls to have the same possibilities of boys even if they come
from countries where women are not equal to men. I want to help them in
finding their way.
18. I want to help my nieces to feel better about their bodies. I want to show
them, in a practical and simple way, that they dont need to buy all the toys
they desire to be happy.
19. I want to teach her freedom and determination.
20. I want young girls to feel the same same as boys, and respect themselves
above all
21. I want to help my niece never lose her dreams.
22. I want her to be confident, cultivate her dreams, and be free.
23. I want to be able to mediate between the inputs at home and what theyre
been told or they experience in the wider social environment. I want to
provide inputs about disparities all around the world (and within the same
country).

I want to be able 24. I want to be able to deal with social stereotypes about girls. How do we face
the social stigma when our girls are indeed independent and stereotype-free?
to deal with social 25. Actually Im not parent of any child, but I think these could be some
stereotypes about questions: how do I motivate my young girl in being strong in this world?
How do I explain her how to manage social limits of being a strong girl?
girls. How do we
face the social Now, use the space below to write down your reason. Why do you want
to empower young girls?
stigma when our
girls are indeed ________________________________________________________________
independent and ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
stereotype-free? ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

Clearly articulate why you want to raise confident girls, because without
this, none of the other stuff I teach will help you. Youll quit before you
get there, without being clearly attached to the reason why you want it.

IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, were gonna go a little deeper.

Were gonna start covering the exact process and framework you need
to use to actually start empowering your daughter right away.

And were gonna cover 3 things, n.1 were gonna go over the framework,
n.2 were gonna go over the process and n.3 were gonna go over the
single BIGGEST mistake youre certainly doing with your daughter right
now. The n.1 mistake that every parent is doing with their daughter and
that you MUST absolutely avoid if you want to raise a confident girl.
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CHAPTER 2: The biggest mistake youre
doing with your daughter

So you wrote down why you want to raise confident girls. Let me start
this chapter by sharing with you one of the best responses I received:

I have a daughter and I want to learn how to teach her to be forceful in

following her heart and countering the need to please others. I want to
show her more real subversive girl characters who break things to make
things.

I love this answer for 2 reasons:

1. It shows the need to find more effective ways to break gender

stereotypes and encourage girls to follow their true passions

2. It talks about the importance of role models, the need to show young
girls more examples of extraordinary women.

So what is your reason? Why do you want to raise confident girl?

If you havent done it already, take 5 minutes, go back to Chapter 1 and

write it down.

Ok, are you done? Alright, lets move forward.

In this lesson Im gonna teach the single biggest mistake that every
parent is making with their daughters. I found out this while I was reading
This research a really cool book, called Gutsy Girl, by Caroline Paul. Caroline was the
shows that first woman firefighter of the San Francisco Fire Fighters Department and
in this book she talks about the many dangerous things that she did in
parents are four her life.
times more likely
She also mentions a recent research by the Journal of Applied
to tell girls than
Developmental Psichology. This research shows that parents are four
boys to be more times more likely to tell girls than boys to be more careful.
careful.
Even when playing outdoors, they tend to discourage daughters
from taking risks and assist them, as if they were too frail to do it by
themselves, while they encourage their sons initiative, letting them

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 push their boundaries on their own. As a result, the study says, girls may
be less likely than boys to try challenging physical activities, which are
important for developing new skills.

Now, dont get me wrong. Im not saying that injuries are good, or that
girls should be reckless. But risk taking is important. Because think about
But risk taking this: what happens when a girl learns that the chance of skinning her
is important knee is an acceptable reason not to attempt biking down a steep road,
or attempting to climb a tree?

She learns to avoid activities outside her comfort zone.

She learns that shes more fragile than boys.
She learns that above all she should be careful.

And guess what? It works!

Fear becomes a go-to feminine trait, something girls are expected to

feel and express at will. By the time a girl reaches her tweens no one bats
an eye when she screams at the sight of an insect.

When girls become women, this fear becomes deference and timid
decision making. Fearful girls become less daring women. We try to
counter this conditioning by urging ourselves to lean in and books on
female empowerment proliferate on our shelves.

But guess what? Its too late. The damage is already there. Thats why
its so important we stop treating girls as if they need help and are too
fragile. Thats why we must stop teaching girls that its cute to be scared.

I know its not an easy task.

I know it comes from a good place in your heart and youre not doing
intentionally. But its wrong, because you cautioning girls away from
scary experiences, we are not protecting them.
We are failing to prepare them for life.

So stop cautioning your girl.

Stop telling her that she should be CAREFUL.
Stop protecting her more than your boys.

This is the mistake I was talking about.

The fatal mistake you must absolutely avoid if you want to raise confident girls.

So heres what you should do instead. Play a game. Better yet, three games.
These games are designed to be played at night and theyre designed to
familiarize children with darkness. Dont scare your kids (dont do it), but
play with them and playfully accompany them out of their comfort zone.

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 HERES THE FIRST ONE:

These games
are designed
to be played at
night and theyre
designed to
familiarize children
with darkness.
HERES THE SECOND:

AND HERES THE THIRD:

So for this chapter you have 2 action items:

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 So for this chapter you have 2 action items:

ACTION ITEM #1:

Stop telling your daughter to be careful, encourage her to climb trees,
swim, run, bike, skate as much as she wants.

Encourage her ACTION ITEM #2:

to climb trees, Play games that playfully accompany your kids out of their comfort zone
swim, run, bike, (remember that the goal is not to scare them, but just to play with the mix
of adrenaline and exhilaration that comes from trespassing your comfort
skate as much as zone. Be supportive if - for any reason - your kids feel too scared by the
she wants. game, you dont want to traumatize them).

Ready? Go!

IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, Ill show you THE SECRET CHILDHOOD

OF 10 EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN and how you can use their life
experience to teach your daughter that she can be anything she wants.

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CHAPTER 3: The stories you should tell
your daughter everyday

In the first lesson, you learned why empowering young girls is still so hard
and you identified why you want to raise confident girls. In the second
lesson, we started working on how to actually raise confident girls.

First, you learned the biggest mistake that every parent is doing with
their daughters right now.

Then, you learned what you should do to avoid making the same mistake.

And lastly, I gave you a list of 3 scary games that you should let your girls
play at night to build their confidence.

In this lesson, Im gonna share with you the secret childhood of 3

extraordinary women and how you can use those secrets to inspire your
daughter - or niece, or student - to be anything she wants. Ready?

HERES THE FIRST ONE:

Her father
encouraged her to
play many sports:
bicycling, roller
skating, boxing
and wrestling.
Frida Kahlo got a disease called polio when she was 6. To help her regain
strength, her father encouraged her to play many sports: bicycling, roller
skating, boxing and wrestling even if at the time those activities were
reserved only for boys.
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 HERES THE SECOND:

The father of Serena Williams started to train her with her sister Venus
when she was 4 years old. Every day he would take his daughters to a
public tennis court behind a taco stand, in Compton, one of the poorest
cities of Southern California. When Serena were 13, he organized a press
conference where he announced that his daughters would soon become
the best tennis players of the world. Today, Serena Williams ranks n. 1
and Venus Williams ranks n. 12.

AND HERES THE THIRD:

Amelia used a
wooden box as a
sled and slid down
the ramp. She
bruised a lip and
tore her dress but
was very happy
because she felt
like she was flying. Amelia Earhart was seven when she asked her uncle to help her build
a ramp fashioned after a roller coaster she had seen during a trip. The
ramp was secured to the roof of the familys toolshed. Amelia used a
wooden box as a sled and slid down the ramp. She bruised a lip and tore
her dress but was very happy because she felt like she was flying.

WHAT DO THESE STORIES HAVE IN COMMON?

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 They all show the example of parents - and uncles - who encouraged
their daughters to follow their dreams and push their limits, despite
all odds. They show the importance of focusing on interest and ability,
instead of gender. I think these are the kind of stories that we should tell
our girls at night. Stories of extraordinary women who break things to
make things - like some of you said in a comment.

Of course, youre not the only factor in your daughters journey towards
womanhood. The toys she plays with, the books she read, the TV shows
she watches, her friends all play a big role in the perception of her own
potential.

We live in a world where its often hard for girls and women to find role
models they can be inspired by. That is why, the stories of the pioneers I
told you before can play such an important role in your mission to raise
a confident girl.

Whenever you see a great example of female leadership (whether its the
Whenever you see
news, a book, a TV show) point that out, talk about it. As Justin Trudeau
a great example of recently said: We are all responsible for making sure that the changes
female leadership we want to see around the boardroom table is a topic of discussion
around the dinner table. Our daughters and sons deserve nothing less.
point that out,
talk about it. We live in a world where women are heavily objectified and where their
work is paid less and considered less important than mens work. So it is
very important that you make it a point to notice and talk about women
in a position of power. That you discuss their work and that you refrain
from commenting on the looks of a female politician, while discussing
the ideas of a male politician. It may seem like a no brainer, but this is the
culture we grew up in and if we dont pay extra attention, well pass on
our gender based prejudices to our daughters and to our sons.

Unfortunately, the landscape of childrens media is not your friend here.

As many studies show,
Its hard to find childrens book with female protagonists. Let alone books
with female protagonists who dont need a saviour or a prince to marry
to give meaning to their lives.

But we can help you with that. First of all, you should check out our
book: Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls (now live on Kickstarter). If you
dont like having a collection of bedtime stories inspired to the life and
adventures of 100 heroic women, check out this list. Its 25 books that
will help your daughter become President (one day). I personally curated
this list and I love each and every one of these books.

But also, buy the right toys. Stay away from toys that reinforce gender
stereotypes. Again, I created a list of empowering toys that will help you
in this very noble mission.

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C H E C K L I S T: How To Raise Confident Girls

Write down a clearly articulated reason

why you want to raise confident girls

Stop telling your daughter to be careful

Use games to playfully accompany your

daughters out of their comfort zone
(without scaring them)

Tell your daughter stories about extraor-

dinary, heroic women

Point out great example of female lead-

ership when you see them (movies, news,
books)

Choose books and toys that feature posi-

tive and proactive female characters

If you havent already, pre-order

Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls
on Kickstarter

And let me know how youre doing and

what challenges youre facing!
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