THE UDDERWORLD

adapted from the myth of orpheus and euridyce

written by

Jacob Horowitz

New Play Lab

Henry Walters
12/19/16
 ACT I

SCENE 1
A slightly overweight, sweat-covered man stands
behind a long stainless steel table. He is wearing a
stained chef's jacket with the name JIMMY NORRIS
embroidered above the left breast pocket. His
hairline has receded significantly and his hair looks
as if it has not seen a thorough wash in weeks.
There are miscellaneous pots and pans on an
integrated shelf underneath said table and on top
sits a pristine white plate, with an impressive,
picture-esque hamburger. There is long a shelf on a
wall behind him, level with the top of his head. On
it are second place trophies and participation
medals.
JIMMY
(Through this whole
monologue, JIMMY slowly
brings the burger closer
and closer to his mouth)
This is the burger. This recipe, this meat, these
vegetables, these are what will finally win me that trophy.
This cow, Aristaios, may he rest in peace, was raised on a
bovine haven, 15 square miles of personal free-roam
territory. While he was still breast-feeding, I read him his
favorite picture book, Goodnight Moon, every night and sang
him his favorite nursery rhyme, Baby Bumble Bee, as he was
falling asleep. I helped him through his awkward teenage
years and gave him relationship advice. Aristaios's meaty
remains are pure and unaltered. There isn't any textured
vegetable protein or ammonia treated defatted beef trimmings.
This ground bovine muscle is the best of the best. Next,
this lettuce is the best in world. It's a rare, Chinese
import known as woson. I've visited the farm many times and
have given seven different one hour Swedish massage sessions
to this harvest. I've fried it on a colonial bee-hive oven
using 16th century Turkish oak logs. The bun is a fresh
Enlgish Manchet whose dough I played Patti Cake with for 2
hours. The sauce is the cherry on top, if you will.
(Awkward laugh makes the
entire audience recoil
with cringe.)
I brushed the patty with a handcrafted tuber magnatum truffle
honey sauce. The truffles are the rarest in the world and I
had to purchase them at an auction in Piedmont, Italy for
this creation. The honey was harvested from the basement of
an abandoned Merovingian church. Everything is perfect.
(Takes a massive bite)
Mmm... This is... uh... Not that good.
(MORE)
 2.
JIMMY (CONTD)
(Startled and confused,
beginning to lose
lucidity)
Uhhh... Something must b-b-be wrong
(Takes the top bun off to
inspect for possible
flaws. Words begins to
slur and he begins to
stagger back and forth)
Ugh... E-e-everthingslooksfine
(Audience can now just
barely understand)
Theburgersisfinebutimnotfiiine...
(Falls to the floor is an
elaborate fit and is now
unconscious)

BLACKOUT
END OF ACT I
 3.

ACT II

SCENE 1

JIMMY wakes up in a seemingly endless green pasture

splattered with cows. The cows are slightly different
from those that the audience is used to. Instead,
their eyes appear to be completely glazed over, soul-
less. The usual white and black cows are a faded
grey and off white. JIMMY awakens and slowly
stumbles to his feet.
JIMMIE
W-w-where am I...what is this place?
(Behind JIMMY, the
previously disconnected
cows have now come
together and have formed
an ad-hoc heifer phalanx)
Why are there so many cows-s-s...

JIMMY is blindsided by bovine regiment. He clumsily

falls to the ground.
BLACKOUT

END OF SCENE

SCENE 2
JIMMY awakens in a similar pasture to that of Scene 1
but this time there is no presence of cattle. In
addition, he is surrounded by workbenches and such
apparatus, as if a workshop was moved outside.
DAEDALUS is standing over JIMMY with saw in hand.
JIMMY
(Opens eyes)
Huh!? Don't hurt me!
DAEDALUS
(Backs off and allows JIMMY
to stand up)
I have no such intentions. I am merely a craftsman.

JIMMY
W-who are you? What's your name?
 4.

DAEDALUS
My name is unimportant, just know I have experience in the
assistance of those who have a passion--if you will--for the
bovine form.
(Subtle smirk)
JIMMY
Well I need to get out of here. I have a competition to
attend.
(Sticks out his chest)
Well, I did until my supposed masterpiece burger sent me
here.
(Slumps back and hunches
over slightly)
DAEDALUS
It appears "masterpiece" may be an unfitting word. Instead,
I believe you have found a passage, your own rust-colored
wherry to another world.
JIMMY
No it was a masterpiece. Wait, what's a wherry? You mean a
ferry?
DAEDALUS
That is irrelevant, continue your story. Why should I help
you?
JIMMY
(Eyes began to water, voice
is raised slightly and is
a note higher)
Because I made the perfect burger and then I ended up here,
in some heifer purgatory! This burger was going to win me
that first-place trophy and my life back. Last year, my
wife, of twelve years, left me for some overcooking, well
done bozo. She said she was too humiliated to be associated
with a second-place burger chef. She said I wasn't even a
real chef. I AM A REAL CHEF!
(Lets out a wail and begins
crying but not enough to
impair enunciation of
dialogue)
I don't even know where I am or what's going on. I take a
bite of my own Mona Lisa of burgers and suddenly I wake up in
a field, proceed to get blindsided and then wake up in front
of you in some ancient workshop.
DAEDALUS
(Offended)
My workshop is not ancient. This workshop represents the
forefront of craftmanship. How dare you? I invented the
saw, you know?
 5.

JIMMY
(Apologetically)
Okay, fine, I'm sorry. I'm just upset.
(Wipes his eyes)
Can you help me or not?
DAEDALUS
Yes, I may have an idea. Do you know of Queen Pasiphae?
JIMMY
(Squints eyes and slightly
leans head in towards
DAEDALUS, as if he was
offended at the though of
being expected to know of
said queen)
What? No. Just tell me the plan.
DAEDALUS
(Pacing, looking at the
ground. Each time he is
about to turn around he
looks up at JIMMY for a
few words and then
continues)
Okay. I will fashion a bovine disguise out of wood. You
will wear it to infiltrate the herd.
JIMMY
(Hopes are raised slightly,
but he is still noticeably
suspicious of his
situation)
So I won't get trampled and knocked out again?

DAEDALUS
(Reassuredly)
Yes, you should be safe as long as you stay in the costume.
Once you are in the herd, it is all on you to find a path
back to your previous realm.

JIMMY
How am I supposed to find that? I'm just a burger chef, or
at least I was.

DAEDALUS
Yes, yes. I say with great confidence that the use of said
costume is the next step in your journey. Things will occur
regardless of if you understand why or how.

BLACKOUT
END OF SCENE
 6.

SCENE 3
Stage right, SHANE is sipping a cup of espresso,
freshly brewed from a thousand dollar machine. She
has the newest issue of Good Housekeeping open in
front of her. She has long, dark brown, straight
hair and could gain some weight. Her face is
plastered in makeup. JIMMY enters through a door,
visible stage left.

JIMMY
(As he enters. Defeated,
lifeless)
Hi, Shane...
SHANE
(Excited at see him, even
though he hasn't been gone
that long. Genuine
missing of his presence
only found in those in
love.)
Hi! I missed you!
(Walks over to JIMMY, they
meet center stage. She
touches him on the
shoulder, one of those
playful punches)
How's my favorite first place burger chef?
JIMMY
Uhh... It's actually second place...
Beat

SHANE
(Shakes her head, as if she
just awoke from a day
dream. Tone is lacking
confidence, as if she
already knows the truth)
I must've spaced out for a second or something; I thought you
might've said second place but that can't be true.
(Leading)
Right?
JIMMY
(Hesitantly. He shakes his
head even though he is
speaking in the
affirmative)
Yeah.
(Stops shaking head.
(MORE)
 7.
JIMMY (CONTD)
More hesitant)
Except no.

SHANE's eyes are now wide-open in disbelief. She has

pushed her head slightly closer to her second place
husband using just her neck. Looking in her eyes,
one can already see her plans.
JIMMY (CONTD)
Johnny won again.
SHANE
(Already in disgust of her
husband, eyes squinted
slightly, subtle head
shake)
W-What did he even make? I though you were a good chef?
JIMMY
(Already knows what he is
in for. Shoulders have
leaned back and you can
hear his voice subtly and
slowly retreat in his
body)
He made some lion meat burger, claimed to have wrestled the
lion to death. That's not even legal, at all.
(Body language begins to
cheat more towards the
audience as if he knows
that he has already lost
and will only be able to
convince the audience of
his worth.)
He even put this stupid toothpick through the center of his
burger. He said it was a mini-javelin and that he painted
the tip bronze. The bronze tip was in the meat! How did the
judges fail to think of that?
(With almost no confidence)
And, I am a good chef...
(He turns his cheek as if
he's knows he's about to
get chastised)

SHANE
(With verbal haste and
viciousness)
A good chef would've won. And how come you can't wrestle a
lion.

She begins to slowly walk towards JIMMY, speed

increasing as her rant goes on. He steps back with
each of her advancements.
 8.

SHANE (CONTD)
You just went to some old, single farmer and bought your
meat. He worked for his burger. You never work for
anything. That's why you always fail. When was the last
time you won something? Ever? You never even won my heart,
just a participation ribbon since no one else decided to
participate and I was left with you.
JIMMY's back has now against the door stage left.

SHANE (CONTD)
(The audience can feel her
anger washing off the
stage and soaking their
feet)
Well not anymore!
(Points at the door)
Get out!
(He hesitates)
Now!
JIMMY quickly opens the door and runs out, as if he
just escaped a death sentence.
BLACKOUT

END OF SCENE

SCENE 4

The set remains the same as the previous scene but a

large wooden cow has been put between DAEDALUS and
JIMMY.

JIMMY
(Worried and disappointed)
That's it? I don't think this will help me blend in much.

DAEDALUS
Cattle are a basic, unintelligent organism. Do not worry,
this, will get the job done.
JIMMY
(Lifts chin up)
Okay, fine where do I get in?
(Bends over to inspect the
contraption, looking for
an entrance)
And I'll have you know the beef I use comes from very
intelligent cows.
 9.

DAEDALUS
Right on the side.
(He wheels the cow around
so the audience can now
see a hinged door on the
torso. The entrance is
just big enough for a
person to fit in)
See?
(He opens the door)

JIMMY
Okay, I got it. Lemme just try to get in here...
(JIMMY, clumsily and
inefficient, attempts to
fit himself into the cow.
His struggle goes on long
enough that DAEDALUS
eventually pushes him in
the rest of the way.)
DAEDALUS
Yeah, I know, it's a bit cozy in there.
(JIMMY responds with a
grunt)
Okay, I'm closing the door now.
At the same time the door is shut, the lights go
black
BLACKOUT

END OF SCENE

SCENE 5
The set is restored to that of Scene 1 of Act II, but
with slight differences. A grouping of cows is
center stage. Downstage, and obscured by this herd,
is a cow lying on the ground with its tongue out.
JIMMY enters, aimlessly rolling around in his cow
costume.

JIMMY
(Aprehensibly and
unassuredly)
Moooo?
COWS
(Responding confidently)
Moooooooooo
 10.

JIMMY
Good, I think it's working

JIMMY looks left and right, as if he is about to

cross the street, except the street is a herd of
cows. He first looks left and the whole suit turns
90 degrees, making him parallel with the audience.
He does this again put to the right side. At this
point, when the head of the suit is facing stage
right and the body and parallel with the audience,
half of the suit falls onto the ground. The audience
now sees a perfect cross section of the inner working
of the suit.

JIMMY (CONTD)
Shit! Now what am I gonna do? If the cows figure out I'm
not one of their bovine brethren, I'll surely be trampled to
death. But I no other options. I need to get past the herd,
that saw guy said it himself.

JIMMY begins to hesitantly inch towards the herd.

After a few seconds of lightly headbutting or
prodding the outer ring of cows, he is able to slip
through. The herd then completely parts and makes
their way offstage. This movement reveals a cow
lying on the ground tongue out, presumably dead.
JIMMY (CONTD)
Ooh... What do we have here?
(Jumps out of his costume,
as if his original
struggle during putting it
on was just for show.)
Look at this beauty...
(Puts hands in pockets and
rocks back on to his heels
and then to a normal
stance. Brushes his hand
through his hair. Seems
like he is an awkward
teenager talking to his
crush)
You're perfect.
(Squats, hands on knees, to
get a closer look at his
new found love)
Oh...
(Notices the pink tongue
lying limp out of the cows
mouth)
You're also dead... Hmmm... You're not bloated though.
(Poke the cow's torso)
Or discolored. Your soul couldn't have risen to heaven more
than a few minutes ago. This is too perfect to pass up.
(MORE)
 11.
JIMMY (CONTD)
I mean, look at this meat.
(Grabs a handful of the
bovine equivalent of love
handles and shakes it.)
(Half moan/half regular
enunciation)
It's perfect. Not too tough, just the right amount of
marbling.
(Throw's head back as if he
is acknowledging some
higher power)
I can taste is already.
(Slowly leans into towards
the Cow's love handles.
Takes a big sniff)
Ughh...
(Eyes rolling back from
pleasure)
And you smell like a masterpiece waiting to be skinned,
chopped, and cooked.

At this point, JIMMY's nose is deeply thrust into the

cow's hide and has made a sniff loud enough to awaken
an audience member in the back row. He moans and
suddenly, without the audience nor JIMMY knowing when
or how it occurred, the bovine love handles are in
JIMMY's mouth. Everything stays still for a second
to make sure everyone audience member notices what
just happens

BLACKOUT
END OF SCENE

SCENE 5
The set is the same as that of Act I, Scene 1.
Instead of a single plate occupying the stainless
steel surface, JIMMY is laying down, face up, across
the entire length. He has a raw hamburger patty in
his mouth. He suddenly and swiftly sits up, as if he
has had a terrible night terror.

JIMMY
(Startled and shortly
frantic. As if the wind
was knocked out of him and
it has suddenly just
returned)
Ahuh?
(There is a glorious raw,
ground beef patty in his
mouth.
(MORE)
 12.
JIMMY (CONTD)
His words are just coherent
enough for the audience to
understand but they must
strain to get the words)
What the fuck?
(JIMMY makes a face of
disgust and then spits out
the patty onto the
stainless steel counter)
Blech. W-where am I now? Is this my kitchen? Am I finally
back in the real world?
(He gazes around the room
turning all the way
around. He then walks to
the stainless steel table
and runs his fingers along
its surface, making sure
it's real and not just
another cow)
Okay. I everything seems right. This my kitchen and I don't
see any more cows...
(He notices the raw patty
that he spit out onto the
table.)
Except for that one... Which I somehow woke up with in my
mouth. But why? Did I do something right before I woke up
here? I can't think. The last thing I remember is stepping
out of that cow suit. But there must be some reason. If I
know anything about dimensional travel it's that everything
happens for a reason.
(Eyes open wide in
excitement)
Maybe those cows wanted me to cook it for the competition!
That's it. They must've heard my story from that saw guy.
They want to help me win back my wife. I'm just not sure if
it's the best idea to put all of my faith in the quality of
this otherworldly beef. But this is my only hope at success.
It must be a message.

He walks off stage and returns with a pristine, white

plate similar to that of Act I, Scene 2. He softly
places the plate in the center of the stainless steel
counter and even softer and more hesitantly places
the burger onto the plate.
BLACKOUT

END OF ACT II
 13.

ACT III

SCENE 1
The stainless steel table has been covered by a red
table cloth. Behind it sit three judges wearing
blazers and like clothing. On the wall behind them,
at the same height and length as the trophy shelf of
earlier scenes, reads "17th Annual Burger
Competition. The two competitors are standing on
opposite edge of the stage. JIMMY is on the left,
his competitor is on the right.
JUDGE 1
(Judge one sits on the far
left of the table and has
stood up. He is holding a
microphone. He taps it a
few times and begins
speaking)
Ladies and gentlemen, we have made it all the way to our two
finalists, Jimmy Norris and Johnny Speaks. These men have
worked very hard to get here so let's give it up for them one
more time.
There is no acting audience on stage so the only
claps will be coming from the more rambunctious
audience member.

JUDGE 1 (CONTD)
Now comes the time that we've all been waiting for. The
judges have deliberated and made a final decision. In my
hand, I have an envelope that will make or break these men's
lives. Enough talking, it's time.
(Opens the envelope, takes
out a small card and
unfolds it)
The winner of the 17th Annual Hamburger Competition is: Jimmy
Norris!

Jimmy rushes on stage and grabs the trophy sitting on

the table in front of Judge 1. He hoists it up into
the air. He jumps off stage and runs over to SHANE
who is standing, arms crossed, stage right.
JIMMY
Will you come back for me now? I finally won something. We
can be together!

SHANE
(Disgusted at his presence)
No! Why would you ever think you were good enough for me.
(MORE)
 14.
SHANE (CONTD)
No matter how many of these stupid competitions you win, you
and I will never be together again. Just give up already and
go away.
While JIMMY is still in shock, SHANE walks over to
where Johnny is standing, links arms with him and
walks off. JIMMY has been frozen in place, shocked.
BLACKOUT
END OF SCENE

SCENE 2

Three cows enter from stage right and walk to center

stage to face the audience.

COW CHOIR
Three months later...

COW 1
Our protagonist has given up the competitive burger cooking
lifestyle.
COW 3
Instead, he has fulfilled a long time dream:
COW CHOIR
Owning his own bovine resort
COW 2
It 100 acres.
COW 1
With a library of children's books
COW 3
And 5 masseuses on staff.
COW CHOIR
He has poured his life into the project.
COW 2
But... He has upset some very powerful people.
COW 3
You see, his intentions were good at first
COW 1
and his work was quite impressive
COW CHOIR
But then, something changed.
 15.

COW 2
Our bovine intelligence can't really understand why or what
prompted the change.
COW 3
Anyways, he became obsessed with perfection once again
COW 1
The dead cow flesh,
COW 2

Which he once felt in his mouth,

COW 1
Was something he could not move on from.
COW 3
And he began to spend all of his time
COW 2
All of his energy
COW CHOIR
In recreating the taste of that dead cow...
DAEDALUS and JIMMY enter through a door at the back
of the stage. DAEDALUS is walking at a breakneck
pace and our protagonist, on his right, struggles
with all of his might to keep up without breaking a
walking pace. They arrive up center stage and the
COW CHOIR steps to the left to give the two the
stage.
JIMMY
(Pleading)
What do you mean you're shutting the place down? This is my
life's work? What about all of my research?
DAEDALUS
(Unammused and unconvinced)
Yeah, about the research. All of those cloning attempts and
wasted offspring have greatly offended my bosses.

JIMMY
But I've done everything legally and generally morally sound.
What does the government have such a problem with?
DAEDALUS
I'm not affiliated with the government, neither are my
bosses.
 16.

JIMMY
If you're not with the USDA like your garb and clipboard seem
to claim, what authority to you have to meddle in my
projects?
DAEDALUS
I invented the saw, you know?
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY