Welcome To The Club (Excerpt)
Welcome To The Club (Excerpt)
Welcome To The Club (Excerpt)
to the Club
100 PARENTING MILESTONES
YOU NEVER SAW COMING
RAQUEL DAPICE
creator of The Ugly Volvo blog
Welcome
to the Club
100 PARENTING MILESTONES
YOU NEVER SAW COMING
RAQUEL DAPICE
creator of The Ugly Volvo blog
To my mother, my father,
and Titi, for somehow getting
me to adulthood.
And to Jonathan, for making
adulthood feel like the best
parts of childhood.
CONTENTS
Introduction
The Early Days
Oops
This Is Disgusting. Please Send
Reinforcements.
Interactions with Other Adults
Eating, Sleeping, and Other Total Disasters
Minor Panic Attacks
Toys, Games, and Other Vague Attempts
at Recreation
Stolen from the Traditional Baby Book
It All Goes By So Fast!
Stuff You Never Saw Coming
Acknowledgments
8
13
29
41
51
65
79
95
107
117
129
142
Introduction | 9
INTRODUCTION
I bought a baby book to record my sons milestones because
I thought that was something I was supposed to do. The book
had all the milestones I expected it to have. First tooth. First
word. First step. Most of these books are the same. Sometimes
they have creative prompts, tipping you off on what to write
to your child.
The first time I saw your face
My favorite part of the day with you is
A cute thing you did recently was
And then there are the dates, which baby book manufacturers
seem to feel are very important. What was the date of his first
car ride? Her first bath? His first visit to Nanas house? After
about 15 seconds of these I want to scrawl I CANNOT BRING
MYSELF TO CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS in block letters across
the page. Today he rolled from back to front is not a story I
would tell people over coffee unless I was hoping they would
fall into a sleep deep enough for me to steal their iPhones or
draw penises on their foreheads in Magic Marker.
Still, like everyone, there are days when I feel like completing
While traditional baby books focus on recording baby milestones, this book is an attempt to highlight the parenting
Introduction | 11
Th
he early days | 13
milestones
all of us go
through. Not to
record them,
per se, since
we may not
need a book
or
Number of hours spent anxiously second-guessing all
your decisions
THE
EARLY DAYS
arms since you are not convinced you have secured it correctly. Realize that if you trip and fall you will land on baby.
*Obviously not yours. Yours is adorable. But some of the others, right?
25
You decide to
take your infant
for a long walk in
her stroller, and you are out with her, a mile from home, when
she begins to cry. After a few dozen unsuccessful guesses
you are able to deduce what she wantsher pacifier. No
problem. Youll just reach into the diaper bag and grab her
OMFG, YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS, WHERE IS HER *#%&ING
PACIFIER?
fine. On your walk home you will pass no fewer than four
other parents with enormous cartoon arrows hovering next
to their strollers and oh my god, dont stress about this.
Oops | 31