Pathy To The Jungle

Published in 2021 by Mindfield Media Limited.
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Contents
About the Author
Introduction Welcome everybody
Stage 1 - Understanding your mind

Explanations will be given of the neuroscience of brain structure and
functioning, the rules of the mind and how information enters and is
processed by the mind. An explanation and application of the Chimp
model will be introduced with an emphasis on the development of self.
1. The mind and Chimp Model introduced

Reminders | Exercises
2. The 'rules' of the mind

3. Developing yourself
Stage 2 - Emotional management
This stage will help you to understand and manage the emotionally
based system within your mind. It will explain how all emotions can be
helpful and protective.
4. Managing emotional reaction

5. Your mind in harmony

6. How to nurture your chimp

7. Managing your drives

Stage 3 - Working with emotions

When emotions are understood, we can then appreciate how to use and
work with all emotions to effect positive changes. Panic attacks,
emotional scars and ghost emotions will be looked at in detail and how
to manage them.
8. Emotion – learning an internal language

9. Disguised emotional messages explained

10. Expressing emotion with insight and change

Stage 4 - Changing habits and managing life events
The science of habit formation is explained and how we can change
habits, beliefs and behaviours, including resistant habits. The grief
reaction and loss are used as examples to demonstrate how we come to
terms with life events
11. Changing habits, beliefs and behaviours

12. Processing and managing life events

13. Managing significant life events

Stage 5 - The two main stabilisers of the mind

By using the two main stabilisers of the mind we can establish a basis
for happiness and peace of mind. How to find and implement your
values along with perspective is reviewed and how to create a rigorous
support system.
14. Working with reality and truths

15. Establishing peace of mind and happiness

16. Keeping events in perspective

17. External support

Stage 6 - Creating a stress-free lifestyle
This stage explains the neuroscience of stress and how to work with the
stress reaction. We look at how to prevent stress from occurring and
how managing our environment can help with this. Lifestyle choices
and recuperation, including the neuroscience of sleep and its
applications, are addressed.
18. Managing stress

19. Preventing stress from occurring

20. Managing your environment and lifestyle

21. Recuperation
Stage 7 - Optimising interactions with others

We will consider how to get the best out of someone and review some
common problem scenarios involving people interactions. We will then
look at how to optimise relationships and how to manage past
experiences and relationships.
22. Getting the best out of others

23. A basis for relationships

24. Optimising relationships

25. Communication
Stage 8 - Pulling it all together
The final stage will pull the previous stages together to explain how
robustness and resilience can be attained. Some common blockers to
attaining this will be addressed in the troubleshooting section.
26. Robustness and resilience

27. Troubleshooting
Going Forward
References
Thank you's
Also Available
About the Author
and Chimp Management
Professor Steve Peters is a medical doctor
and consultant psychiatrist, specialising in
mental health and the functioning of the
human mind. He has dedicated his working
life to help people get the best out of
themselves and to be in a good place. His
current and past experiences include:
clinical director of Mental Health Services
within the NHS at a district hospital,
Consultant Forensic Psychiatrist and
Undergraduate Dean at Sheffield Medical
School. He has spent 20 years as an
examination panel member at the Royal
MBBS; MRCPsych; D.Sc.; PhD; BA;
MEd.; PGCE; Dip. Sports Med.
College of Psychiatry and has been an
expert advisor to World-Anti Doping
Agency.
As an author he has written 4 books including the best selling self-help
book of all time in the UK, The Chimp Paradox, which has sold over a
million copies. - as per Nielsen TCM Chart 2020.
Other achievements include attending Downing Street for winning the
senate award twice for his excellence in teaching. He has been a consultant
to over 20 Olympic and national sporting teams and organisations over the
course of his career.
www.profstevepeters.com
Chimp Management
We are a charitable based company and are here to support you in any way
we can. At Chimp Management we specialise in helping people to get the
best out of themselves and others.
Our aim is to help people in all walks of life including the general public,
education, health, sport and business through keynotes, workshops and 1:1
services.
Please visit www.chimpmanagement.com or contact us at

enquiries@chimpmanagement.com for details of various aspects of
psychological health support.
Join ‘The Troop’ for access to free videos and discussion forums at
www.thetroop.chimpmanagement.com
Introduction
- developing robustness and resilience
Welcome everybody
Welcome to this programme, that will take you on a path through the jungle
of life to robustness and resilience. It will give an understanding of how the
mind works and how to get the best out of yourself and others. Robustness
and resilience are based on such things as good self-esteem, great
relationships, confidence, a successful outlook, happiness and peace of
mind. All of these things and more will be covered as the programme
progresses.
I wrote the Chimp Paradox book to introduce the concept of how the
mind is structured and works. The first stage in this book gives a summary
of this. The remaining seven stages will form the path to robustness and
resilience. The course is written following requests to have a structured
practical programme that will help people to apply the Chimp Model and to
develop emotional skills for life. By undertaking the programme, it will
enable the reader to acquire and maintain psychological health and
wellbeing.
I’ve had the privilege of spending a lifetime supporting people. Many
have had struggles, or are going through a rough patch, which just about
includes us all. The one thing that stands out to me, is that no matter what
someone faces, if they are in a good place they will cope and thrive. A
major pitfall when dealing with problems and troubles is to engage with
them, before first getting yourself into a good place, and then finding
solutions and ways forward.
With these thoughts in mind, I have constructed the programme to help
you to focus on yourself, empower you, develop robustness and resilience
and support you getting into a good place.
I sincerely hope that you will find the book helpful, and that the jungle of
life will become much more manageable, as you find your own inner
strength. This book is for you and about you.
How to use this book
It is best to work through the book, stage by stage, and do the exercises at
the end of each unit. Working through the programme with others can be
very helpful. As you progress through the book, you will be building the
foundations for robustness and resilience. These foundations will be pulled
together in the final two units. Stage one gives a summary of the Chimp
Model. It is the basis for going forward and might be challenging, so please
persevere!
The eight stages are divided into units. Each unit has a section of
information with examples and a reminder of important points at the end of
it. The science boxes are there only for those who are interested, but they
are not essential to the unit. Following each unit, there are practical
exercises to try. I strongly recommend that you do these, as they will help to
bring to life the key points.
For each topic covered, it is important to reflect and think about how this
applies to you. When we reflect or revisit ideas, we often find more ways to
integrate and apply them into our lives. Therefore, it is helpful to go
steadily and at your own pace. You are unique, so some examples and
themes will resonate much more with you than others; work with those that
do. Some themes might spark your own ideas, which would be great to
work with.
As you are changing your way of thinking and behaving, it is very
important to practice these changes. Please be encouraged, because you can
learn the skill of managing your thinking, behaviour and emotions. Over
time, these changes will become noticeable to you and others.
The Mind Management Skills for Life course

‘A Path through the Jungle’ is used as the handbook
to an eight workshop series called ‘Mind
Management Skills for Life’. You can join the
series as an individual and work with others, or
organisations can book the series for staff. The
Mind Management Skills for Life Programme has
been developed to help people gain an in-depth
insight into their mind using The Chimp Model.
Individual mentoring support can also be offered for psychological work.
Please contact the Chimp Management team via the website
chimpmanagement.com
If you are struggling with your
mental health then please make
contact with your family doctor,
your General Practitioner.
Unit 1
The mind and Chimp Model
introduced
STAGE 1: will explain the structure and rules of the mind and
how to find yourself.
Unit 1: covers the structure and functioning of the mind and
introduces the Chimp Model.
The mind and the rules by which it

operates
The mind is usually considered to be
the part of the brain dealing with
behaviours, thinking and emotions.
We all understand that our
physical body is like a machine and
has rules by which it operates.
Breaking those rules has
consequences. For example, if we
eat too much, then we put on weight.
The Mind operating
If we are not used to physical
exercise and we over exercise, we are likely to suffer, usually with a lot of
muscle aches.
The mind also works like a machine and it also has rules by which it
operates. If we break those rules then there are consequences. Therefore, if
we understand the mind and the rules by which it operates, then we will be
able to run this machine correctly.
Most of us don’t understand how the mind works or the rules by which it
operates, so we inadvertently break those rules. When we break the rules,
the mind usually reacts by giving us negative emotions, such as anger,
frustration or anxiety. These negative emotions can be seen as messages
from the mind telling us to stop and work within the rules. For example, one
rule of the mind is that we must accept the reality of what is in front of us
and then work with it. If we refuse to accept the facts of a situation then our
mind will react and give us unwelcome emotions.
Breaking the rules of the mind is similar to trying to operate a machine

using the wrong fuel; it might operate, but it will complain, and eventually
it is likely to become damaged.
How the mind functions

The mind functions in two different ways:
1. It uses inbuilt drives to keep the body alive and produce the next
generation
2. It perceives, interprets and interacts with the world around it
Two functions of the mind
1. Inbuilt drives
The drives we have, which trigger actions such as eating, finding a mate,
establishing a territory or finding a secure place to live, are all fixed within
us from birth. If we don’t fulfil drives, we can begin to feel uncomfortable.
Drives
- Scientific points
Drives are natural forces that help us to survive
and perpetuate the species.[1] Examples include:
the drive to eat, have sex, quench our thirst and
protect our young. Inbuilt drives are formed and
managed by multiple areas of the brain. The
hypothalamus (H) contains many centres, called
nuclei, which promote fundamental survival drives,
such as energy regulation and eating.[2] We have to
learn how to manage our drives, and this isn’t easy,
as nature intends to make them compulsive!
2. Interacting with the world

We can interact with the world around us by using instincts or by learning.
Interacting with the world using instincts
Instincts are inbuilt automatic reactions to given stimuli. For example: fight,
flight or freeze, is an instinctive reaction to a threat and this immediate
reaction can help us to stay safe. We use this instinct in every day life all of
the time.
If someone confronts us and we feel threatened, our instinct will be to
either, fight (confront them), flight (get away from them as quickly as
possible), or freeze (don’t react and hope they go away).
Instincts
- Scientific points
Instincts are inbuilt reactions to specific
stimuli.
For example, a typical inbuilt reaction to
seeing a snake is to set off an alarm system
in our mind, which results in the flight, fight
or freeze reaction (FFF). The alarm is
started in the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC),
which sends a message to the amygdala
(A), along with other structures. [3] [4]
The amygdala works with the FFF
reaction. When the amygdala has received
the message, it sends back advice to the
OFC, forming a two-way conversation. The
OFC then makes a decision about what to
do.
Interaction with the world by learning

We can use instincts to react to situations but we have an alternative way of
reacting and this is to learn a response. When it comes to learning how to
interpret and interact with our experiences, we now find a problem!
Two very different systems in our mind are trying to interpret our
experiences, interact with them, and form a plan of how to respond.
Two systems interacting with our world

- Scientific points
When the brain receives information, it is first sent to the thalami (T). The thalami are two
walnut sized structures at the centre of the brain and act as relay stations. [5] [6] Each
thalamus relays the information to two different systems:
1. An emotionally based limbic system, containing the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC): This
first system is reactive, impulsive and outside of our direct control and acts
immediately.[3] [7]
2. A rationally based system, termed the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC): This
system works with executive functioning, for example, using logic, organisational skills
and perspective. [8] [9] [10] It acts only after the first system has reacted but it can
influence or manage the first system.
The conjoined twins who share the same thalami:
Two girls were born joined at the head and shared the same thalami. Whatever one girl saw,
the other would be able to describe. It showed how the thalami are the relay stations that
first receive messages before sending them out to the other structures within the brain. [11]
[12] [13]
We now have a picture of how the
mind functions. It is programmed by
nature to use drives and instincts but
it also has the ability to think and
interpret. Therefore, the way to
understand and manage the mind is
to accept and work with the drives
and instincts we have been given,
and then learn how to manage the
two systems that interpret our
experiences.
Making things easier

This picture is still quite complex; so to make working with the mind easier,
we can simplify things by recognising that there are three different ‘teams’
that operate within the mind.
The three teams operating within the

mind
Team one:
Genetically determined
Operates with drives
Reacts to experiences with instincts
Thinks from an emotional basis
Interprets with feelings
Its agenda is to perpetuate the species and help us to survive
This team is not within our control, although we can influence it. This team
can run our lives and it acts without our permission! The team leader is the
orbitofrontal cortex (OFC). [3] [7]
Team two:
Thinks from a factual basis
Responds to experiences with rationality
Interprets with logic
We have complete control over this system and can choose how to work
with it.[8] The team leader is the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC). [9]
[10]
Team three:
This team is very similar to a computer.
It has two functions:
Storing memory, facts and experiences
Performing automatic behaviours
Teams 1 and 2 programme this computer. [14] [15] [16]
Memory storage
Team 1 stores emotional memory (mainly in the amygdala) and team 2
stores factual memory (mainly in the hippocampal formation). Emotional
memory gives feelings to events or situations. [17] [18] Factual memory
recalls events in detail, such as times, places and people. The two usually go
together but can work independently. Many other types of memory also
exist; examples include memory for actions, recognition of faces and
musical memory. There is no obvious team leader when it comes to
memory. The parietal lobe (P) and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex
(VMPFC) are also key memory storage areas.
Teams (1) and (2), being supported
by Team (3)
The Blue square experiment

- Scientific points
Memory storage in the brain is very complex. This is because many different types of
memory are stored in different places. Emotional memory means that we record feelings
but not facts. Factual memory records facts but not feelings.
The blue square experiment [19] [20] demonstrates the difference between emotional
memory and factual memory. People are shown images of different coloured squares on a
screen. When a blue square appears they receive a mild but unpleasant electric shock.
Once the subjects have had chance to register that a blue square means an electric shock,
they then watch the Computer screen. When the blue square appears, people who have
damage to their emotional memory banks (amygdala) will recognise the blue square with
their factual memory (hippocampal formation) but will not show any fear before they receive
the shock. [21] [22] [14] People who have damage to their factual memory banks will
experience fear but not be able to explain why they are afraid. Occasionally, a healthy brain
can work with only one of the memory banks; either the emotional or the factual. This can
explain why we sometimes don’t experience emotions when we expect to, and at other
times, we experience emotions but can’t understand why.
We now have a simplified picture of how the mind works when it is

learning, which looks like this:
These teams represent different structures and regions that work together to
perform different functions. Some structures are in more than one team. The
teams are trying to work simultaneously. The problem is that they
frequently have different agendas, different ways of thinking and
interpreting, and different values to operate from.
It is very important to recognise just how differently these three teams

work. As we progress in our understanding of the mind, we will see how
crucial it is to choose the appropriate team to work with, if you want to
achieve your aims. You can change teams instantly, once you learn the skill
of how to do this.
The Chimp Model

The complexities of the neuroscience of the mind can be difficult to follow.
For this reason, I gave names to the three operating teams. In order to bring
them to life, I gave them the names: Human, Chimp and Computer.[23] [24]
Here is why:
Human beings are biologically classified in a group called the hominids.
These are the great apes and include the human, chimpanzee, gorilla,
bonobo and orang-utan. The first team of structures in the mind is very
similar to those of the other great apes (and many other animals). In
particular, this first team or system in our mind functions very similarly to
that in the mind of the chimpanzee. [25] [26] Therefore, it is no surprise that
when it takes over our mind, or the chimpanzee’s mind, we often display
similar types of behaviours, emotions and thinking. This first system can
therefore be named the ‘inner Chimp’. Clearly, there are differences
between our mind and that of the other apes, but this set of structures is very
similar.
The inner Chimp represents this inbuilt genetically determined team of
structures. It has survival and perpetuation of the species as its agenda,
working with drives and instincts, and uses emotion as its basis for learning.
The Chimp system developing

- Scientific points
The first team begins to develop at just eight weeks into foetal life. It takes on character
traits, such as how quickly it will react to stress. For example, some foetuses react if the
mother’s heart rate goes up but other foetuses remain calm. Research shows that six
months into life as an infant, the same traits remain constant for each baby; some are still
reacting to the world, while others remain calm. [27] These characteristics remain in this
system throughout life. Effectively, we have been given personality traits of our unique
Chimp system, but not our personality traits. These personality traits are genetically
determined, but we can modify their expression by managing them. Therefore, we are
predisposed to present a certain disposition to the world, but we are not predetermined.
We can choose.
The second team represents the part of the mind that you are in control of.
It is effectively you. Therefore, it is easiest to depict this as a Human. The
Human is you, as an individual. You operate with areas of the brain that you
can control. You learn by using logic and rationality.
The Human system

- Scientific points
The Human circuits represent various areas in the brain: the most important being the
dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. These areas develop very slowly during foetal life but
accelerate into operation in the first few years of childhood. They continue to mature and
can take as long as thirty years to become fully matured and fully functional. The Human
brings rational judgement and perspective to our thinking, which can be disturbingly frail
during our teenage years, while our brain is still developing. [28] [29]
As stated earlier, the Computer not only stores information and memories,
but it can also be programmed to carry out automatic behaviours and
automatic thinking. [30] We can programme our inner Computer by putting
in beliefs or behaviours that we find constructive. We can practise
behaviours that we want to perform and turn them into habits, and we can
think through and establish beliefs, in order to reinforce these habits. This
Computer system is extremely fast when it operates. The Computer always
advises the Human and Chimp when they are trying to make a decision.
Therefore, it is very important to check what beliefs the Human or the
Chimp has stored in it.
The Computer system
- Scientific points
It could be argued that the entire brain, including the mind, is one big computer system.
Please remember that the Chimp model is exactly that, a model to describe the mind in
order to access and work with it. In this model, I have separated the brain into areas of
active originators of thinking and decision-making from those areas of the mind that assist
with decision-making and approaches to situations. These support areas react to any stimuli
they receive and then relay their 'advice' back to the two originator areas to influence them
before they act.
Many of these advising areas of the brain also act automatically. They do this by mentally
and physically repeating patterns of thinking or behaviour, and thereby eliminate the need
for any originality. Hence, these supporting areas and automatic functioning become the
'Computer' system within the mind.
You, sharing your mind with a

machine
The teams in action

Here is a table to demonstrate the three teams in action in two different
scenarios.
Two examples, where the Human and

Chimp might think and act differently:
Choosing a meal and discussing a heated topic.
In both of these examples, your unique Chimp or Human may have different
responses to those shown. I have chosen common responses. The
Computer’s response will depend on what the Human or the Chimp has put
into it. For example, your Chimp could have put in a belief that says, “We
can always begin the diet tomorrow”, and your Human might have put in “I
will only regret a poor choice and I really want to be healthy”. The
Computer can only feed back to the Human and Chimp what beliefs are
stored in it. If both Human and Chimp have put beliefs into the Computer,
then the Computer will feed back both suggestions because it hasn’t been
tidied up. The Chimp will select the suggestion it likes best, and this is
likely to be to wait until tomorrow to start the diet. Therefore, it is important
to make sure the advice and beliefs fed back to the Human and Chimp are
helpful.
In other words, the Computer must have helpful beliefs in place ready to
respond to a situation before it meets that situation. The Computer always
needs tidying up, by addressing and removing unhelpful Chimp suggestions.
We will learn how to do this in due course, when we cover the rules of the
mind.
Every day there is the potential for
a clash between the teams within Key Point
your mind, much like a heated The Human looks for
debate going on. The Human will solutions: The Chimp
want to find a solution, but the looks to win.
Chimp will want to win, and it will
therefore only look at how it can achieve a win. It is common to observe
these two very different approaches during group discussions, when people
alternate between working from their Human system and working from
their Chimp system.
Recognising the Chimp at work

Try to recognise when your Chimp is operating. Remember that the Chimp
system is impulsive, has an agenda, which you might not agree with, and
will overpower you if necessary.
If the answer to the Key Point Key Point

opposite is “no”, then the Chimp is
The way to distinguish
hijacking you. If the answer is “yes”
between the Human and
then it is you, the Human, who is in
Chimp working is to ask
charge (or it could be the Chimp is in
the question:
charge, and you are just agreeing
“Do I want this thought,
with it).
behaviour or feeling?”
Sometimes, we agree with what
the Chimp is doing and then there is
no problem!
If you are still unsure about which system is operating, then another way
to find out is to ask yourself: “How will I feel in an hour’s time?”. When we
act, while we are in Chimp mode, we often later regret it.
Example: Stella and the argument
Stella works in an office and one of her colleagues, Ben, has just criticised
some of her work unjustifiably. Stella’s Chimp has now become angry and
has taken over. Stella’s Chimp is about to raise her voice at Ben and tell him
his behaviour is unacceptable.
The two questions for Stella are:

“Do I want to raise my voice?”
“Do I want to let him know his behaviour is unacceptable?”
The answer from her Chimp to both questions is “YES”!
The answer from her Human is, “No”, to raising her voice, but “Yes” to
letting him know his behaviour is unacceptable.
In this example, Stella can see that she disagrees with her Chimp about
raising her voice but agrees with her Chimp about letting Ben know.
If Stella doesn’t learn how to distinguish between the two teams and
manage them, then it is likely that her Chimp will win. This will probably
result in Stella feeling bad and apologising to Ben for raising her voice.
Example: Archie’s choice
Let’s say that Archie has had a fall-out with a close friend. If he allows the
Chimp system to operate his mind, it will experience emotions that are
probably unhelpful. The Chimp will be agitated and focus on the problem.
In an attempt to remove the problem, it might simply decide not to speak to
his friend again. This isn’t a solution; it is just removing the problem. If
Archie were to go into Human mode then the Human in Archie will focus
on finding a solution, which is likely to be a discussion with apologies or
some reconciliation.
Example: Lisa and the exam

Lisa has failed an exam at night school and now needs to take it again. Her
Chimp might well decide to remove the problem by dropping out, even
though the Chimp might want to pass the exam. Her Chimp will focus on
things such as how badly she has done and what everyone will think.
However, if Lisa changes to the Human system then she is going to focus on
the solution. She will work out how to improve for the re-sit and prevent
herself from failing again.
Logic and emotion as the basis for action

The Human DOES NOT represent logic and the Chimp DOES NOT
represent emotion. Both teams possess logic and emotion. The difference is
how they use these and where their starting point is. The Chimp bases its
thinking on emotion and the Human bases its thinking on logic. They both
operate with logic and emotion.
Our basis for working is different
Ways of working and shift

between the two Modes
The Human team begins with

establishing the facts and the logic of Key Point
a situation and puts the information The Human bases its
together rationally. [31] When the emotion on logic and the
Human has done this, these facts Chimp bases its logic on
evoke emotion. The final action emotion (making it
taken is still based on facts but potentially less reliable).
receives some energy from the
emotion.
The Chimp begins with a basis of emotion.[32] This means it works with
feelings and goes on its intuition about what is right and what is happening.
It doesn’t use facts but could be influenced by them. Starting with this
emotional basis, it tries to work out what is happening by using an
emotionally based logic. The final action taken is based on emotion with
some emotionally based logic. This can give rise to unhelpful actions.
Example: Claudette and the accusation
Here is an example of how the two teams operate differently in a given
situation. I will make the distinction clear by deliberately exaggerating the
responses each team gives.
Claudette has strong ethical values and sees herself as a moral person
who upholds her values. She has been accused of falsifying some
documents for financial gain. Here are some typical responses from her
Human and Chimp that have both recognised that an injustice has taken
place.
The Human begins by establishing the

facts.
These are:
That she is innocent
She has the evidence to support her
case
The truth is likely to come out
She is likely to receive an apology
All she can do is explain the truth of
The Human
the situation
She cannot control what someone else believes
The emotions evoked by these facts are:
Sadness
Disappointment
Calmness
The action taken, based on these facts and driven by the emotions evoked, is
to explain and hopefully resolve the situation.
The Chimp begins with an emotional reaction. Such as:

Anger
Frustration
Outrage
Indignation
These emotions make Claudette’s Chimp
feel insulted and ready to fight her corner.
The logic based on these emotions is:
I need to win in this situation
I need to express my feelings
emotionally and make sure I am
The Chimp
listened to
I need to change the minds of other people
The resulting action is typically one of hostility and confrontation with a
view to winning.
Therefore, the pathway that each team takes to try to resolve the situation is
somewhat different.
Even though there might be a measure of agreement between the Human

and Chimp, the difference in approach makes the Chimp’s pathway much
more likely to result in a negative effect on others and a less favourable
outcome. The Chimp might not accept the facts, distort them or not even
understand them; therefore they are only an influence on it. The Human can
reject emotion or be persuaded by it.
The contents of the Computer

The contents of the Computer are so important that a brief explanation is
needed at this point, but they will be looked at in detail as we work through
this course.
We have established that the Computer essentially has two functions:

1. To store factual and emotional beliefs or memory from the Human and
Chimp, and then to remind or advise them of these before they act. [33]
2. To act automatically by being programmed by either Human or Chimp.
[34] [35]
Stored behaviours or beliefs: Autopilots, Gremlins and Goblins

Helpful or constructive automatic behaviours or beliefs we will call
Autopilots.
Unhelpful or destructive automatic behaviours or beliefs that can be
removed we will call Gremlins.
Unhelpful or destructive automatic behaviours or beliefs that are extremely
resistant to being removed we will call Goblins.
Examples include, a belief that you:

Can only do your best is a constructive Autopilot
Can always learn from any outcome is a helpful Autopilot
Are not as good as everybody else can be a destructive Gremlin
Are better than others can also be a destructive Gremlin!
Will fail at what you do is an unhelpful Gremlin
Are not a leader could be a Goblin
You might ask why the last example of not being a leader is a Goblin.
Leadership skills can be learnt. However, research shows that being a leader
is partly genetic. Therefore, a belief that you cannot become a leader, might
well have its roots in your genes. [36] Whether someone can become a leader
if they lack the leadership gene, clearly depends on the individual. This
would determine if the belief is a Goblin or not.
We have thousands of learned programmes (Autopilots or Gremlins) in
our Computers, some are behavioural, some are belief-based and some are
emotionally based. There are lots of ways in which we can programme and
also re-programme the Computer to learn how to react to certain stimuli.
Gremlins and Autopilots in action

Example: Robin and procrastination
Robin has decided to sort out his garage
because it has become very messy and
overloaded with unwanted things. His
Human has decided to begin today. Robin’s
Chimp is concerned about how he is going
to manage the task because his Chimp sees
the task as being too formidable. As Robin
opens the garage door and looks at the mess, his Chimp panics and turns to
the Computer for advice. The outcome now depends on what is in the
Computer. If the Computer has a Gremlin in it that says to the Chimp, “You
will never get through this today and there’s just no point in starting” then
Robin is likely to feel overwhelmed and fail to begin. Another Gremlin
might also be saying, “I don’t know where to start, so why don’t I sit down
and make a plan”. This can be a clever way to avoid starting!
However, if the Computer has an Autopilot in it that is programmed to
deal with overwhelming situations, then there might be a very different
outcome. For example, an Autopilot could say to the Chimp, “Don’t look at
the whole task, but instead just take a small first step, that is easy to manage
quite quickly, and see that as a successful start”. Then it is likely that the
Chimp will take the small step and begin the process. Alternatively, there
could be an Autopilot in the Computer that says, “I am a person who loves a
challenge, and getting started is the first part of the challenge”. This is again
a helpful belief and is much more likely to result in some positive action
rather than further avoidance and procrastination.
Autopilots and Gremlins are unique to you. Your beliefs might differ from
those of other people and what might be a Gremlin to them could be an
Autopilot to you. Unhelpful beliefs, behaviours or habits that are stored in
the Computer but have not been considered, tend to sabotage our
functioning. They advise both the Chimp and the Human. This advice can
be changed and improved by working on what you are storing in your
Computer.
Goblins
The term Goblin represents a behaviour or belief
that has been put into the Computer and is resistant
to being removed. It could be thought of as a virus
in the system or as some irreparable damage to the
system.
For example, if we have a turbulent time and
have some damaging experiences while the brain is
developing during childhood, these experiences can
make changes to the way the brain functions later in
life. These changes in the brain can be accepted and
managed. Sometimes traumatic events in our adult
life can also effect changes to our mind that we need to accept and manage.
These events often result in certain beliefs or behaviours that become
ingrained and difficult to change. For example, a child who is rejected by a
parent might find they experience feelings or beliefs of a fear of rejection in
future relationships and these can be very difficult, if not impossible, to
change. However, they can be managed. Another example is someone who
has gone through a very traumatic divorce and this could alter the way they
see themselves or future partners.
The reason I make a distinction between a Gremlin and a Goblin is to
help people not to put unreasonable pressure on themselves in trying to
change the impossible. Of course, we will always try to remove unhelpful
beliefs or behaviours but we need to recognise when to stop and instead of
removing them, learn to manage them.
The ventromedial prefrontal cortex (VMPFC)
- Scientific points
The VMPFC, as part of the Computer, develops significantly during early childhood.
However, if we have a childhood where stability and security is compromised, the VMPFC
fails to reach its developmental potential. It literally doesn’t grow to full size. The window for
development is only during early childhood. Therefore, when we reach our adult life, this
area cannot function as well as it might have done.
One of its functions is to settle down the amygdala (A) from overreacting to
situation.[37] [38] The lack of development of the VMPFC results in some adults, who have
had poor childhood experiences, being emotionally more reactive to stress. [39] Hence, a
potential Goblin has been formed. Thankfully, there are ways of managing and
compensating for this to bring resilience, despite the Goblin, and we shall address this as
we work through the course.
One function is to settle the amygdala from

overreacting
The Stone of Life: A deeper level of operating

The ‘Stone of Life’ is an extremely important reference point in our
Computers. It can be the ultimate reference point that stabilises the whole of
the mind. It contains three aspects: reality (Truths), values and perspective.
We will be covering each of these aspects in great detail later in the course.
The Computer can work on two
different levels: specific situations
and all situations.
The first level is where specific programmes are developed to deal with
specific situations, such as, how to manage fear of flying or giving a talk to
an audience. This level involves Gremlins and Autopilots. Although specific
to a situation, removing Gremlins and replacing them with Autopilots can
result in excellent outcomes. This level forms the basis for all the therapies
that have a ‘cognitive’ aspect to them.
The second level is much deeper and is arguably far more influential. It is
what we have termed the ‘Stone of Life’. It is more influential because it
can be applied to all situations.
Please think carefully about who you
are
Remember that you and your machine are different.
Unfortunately, you do not have complete control of your machine. What

you present to the world is you, but this presentation is modified by your
Chimp’s hijacks and your Computer’s influence and take-overs. The world
might never see the real you. This doesn’t mean that YOU can’t see the
real you.
It is so important to know who you are because this will help you to
recognise yourself as a genuine person. This will lift your self-esteem and
your self-respect.
Unit 1
Reminders
We can think of the mind as being composed of three teams or systems:
The components of the mind

The Human system, which represents you:
Works with facts
Interprets logically
The Chimp system:
Works with feelings
Interprets emotionally
The Computer System:
Stores information and beliefs You, sharing your mind
Is programmed to act automatically with a machine
Is managed by both Human and Chimp
Autopilots are helpful, constructive beliefs and behaviours
Gremlins are unhelpful, removable beliefs and behaviours
Goblins are fixed, or extremely difficult to remove, beliefs and
behaviours
The Stone of Life is the main stabiliser of the mind
Unit 1
Exercises
Focus points and reflective exercises
1. Knowing who you are, and being able to separate yourself
from your machine
2. Recognising your Chimp in action
Focus 1: Knowing who you are, and being

able to separate yourself from your machine
“Who are you?” This is the most important
question to answer in the whole of this
course. The answer is the starting point to
finding yourself and not muddling yourself
up with a machine.
The concept of ‘how to find the real you’ is very important. I cannot
emphasise this enough because it is always the fall back position in helping
you to both respect and love yourself as a person.
It is crucial that you do not muddle yourself up with the machine. Once
you have separated yourself from your machine, it then becomes apparent
that the task ahead is to learn how to manage the machine. When the
machine is managed it will not interfere, but instead enhance you, and you
will present the real you to the world.
Once someone has grasped this concept then you will no longer hear
them saying such things as, “I am a worrier” or “I get angry so easily”.
These are not scientifically valid statements because the truth is that their
machine hijacks them. It is the machine that is becoming worried or angry.
The machine then presents to the world a person who worries a lot or a
person who seems to have a short fuse and easily becomes angry.
Your friends or a partner might know who the real you is, because when
the Chimp goes quiet and the Computer remains silent, your Human
appears to them.
If, at times, you do not present yourself to the world as a pleasant
individual, then the machine has hijacked you.
Exercise 1: Finding the real you
There is a very simple way to find out who you are. The easiest way is to
take a blank piece of paper and write down the characteristics of the ideal or
perfect person that you would like to be.
So, for example, you might write:

Honest
Calm
Sense of humour
Thoughtful
Compassionate
Industrious
Friendly
Hint: think about how you would like to be in your workplace, your home
life, in relationships with people and in your approach to life itself. What
behaviours do you want to display?
When your list is complete you can write your name above it, because
you have now described the real you. What you have written is the way that
you would present to the world if your Chimp and Computer did not
interfere or influence you. If we could surgically remove both of these
systems from your mind, then we would be left with just you. The list that
you have composed is therefore you.
You might argue, “Surely
everyone writes the same list?”. In Key Point
fact they don’t. When I first asked Please remember the
people to do this, so that I could find
Chimp model is NOT an
out who they were, the lists varied
excuse model. We are all
quite a lot. I asked various types of
fully responsible and
people, including those people who
accountable for managing
had been diagnosed with
our Chimps.
psychopathic personalities. I can
assure you that they did not include
characteristics such as compassion or honesty!
Focus 2: Recognising your Chimp in action
Once you have found out who you are, it isn’t a big step to recognise when
your Chimp is hijacking you.
The golden question to ask is: “Do I want...?” and complete the sentence.
For example, “Do I want to feel like this?”, “Do I want to behave like this?”
or “Do I want to think like this?”. If the answer is “no”, then a hijack is
occurring.
However, there is more to the Chimp than just a hijack. When we are
operating with the Chimp system it has a completely different approach to
the Human system. For example, when our mind is operating with the
Chimp system we cannot search for solutions to problems. What the Chimp
system does is to react to a problem and then try to remove the problem,
rather than solve the problem. The Human system will look for solutions
and will not focus on the problem.
The Chimp: The Human:

Is likely to continually focus Is likely to focus on finding a
on the problem solution
Will be unable to look for Will want to resolve the problem
solutions Is likely to keep searching until a
Might try to just ignore or solution is found
remove the problem
Exercise 2: Recognising whether you are in Chimp mode or Human

mode
This exercise is based on the following key point.
To help you to distinguish between

Chimp and Human functioning, try Key Point
to imagine situations that you know It is important to be able to
are likely to provoke an emotional
recognise exactly which
response in you. First, predict how mode you are operating in,
your Chimp would react, and how it if you want to increase
might think and behave. Then think your chances of
how you would like to respond to the successful outcomes.
situation, as this will show you what
would happen if you were in Human
mode.
By visualising your Chimp’s reaction and then your Human’s response to
various scenarios, you will begin to develop the skill of recognising the
difference between the two modes of operating. You will also come to
appreciate how they operate from a different basis: the Human from a
logical basis and the Chimp from an emotional basis. When you next meet a
setback or problem, try to recognise the two systems in action.
Unit 2
The ‘rules’ of the mind
Unit 2: will focus on how the Human, Chimp and Computer
interact, and how we can programme and tidy up the Computer.
We will see the rules of the mind in operation and how to begin
working within these rules.
How the Computer, Human and Chimp

interact
Before we look at how the Computer can come to our rescue, we will first
consider how it functions. Our Computers tend to run our lives by being
programmed for most situations. The Computer merely recognises a
situation and then follows a pattern for dealing with it. For example, when
we meet people we know, we usually follow a pre-programmed welcome by
asking how they are and offering encouraging comments. Often these
welcomes are not thought through, they are pleasant automatic social
functioning. However, if we meet an unfamiliar situation or a situation
where there is a need for interpretation, then the Human and Chimp systems
come into play. Consider meeting your new partner’s family or new
colleagues for the first time. The Computer will stop if it does not know
how to advise the Human or Chimp and hasn’t been programmed to act in
any particular way.
Whenever we meet unusual, different or threatening situations, the
Computer will stop, while the Human and Chimp each make an
instantaneous interpretation of what is happening. The Human uses rational
processes and the Chimp uses emotional processes. When the Chimp and
Human have finished interpreting any new situation or experience, they act
on their interpretation and then store their beliefs in the Computer for future
reference.
How the Computer is programmed
Example: The dog bite
A dog has just bitten Jenny. It approached her, and without warning or
provocation, bit her leg. The Human and Chimp within Jenny both have to
interpret what happened and what it means in the future when seeing
another dog. There are many ways that the Human or Chimp could interpret
this, so I will choose two common interpretations. The Chimp might
generalise and say that all dogs will bite me and therefore, whenever I see a
dog, I will react by trying to get away as soon as possible. Here, two
Gremlins have been formed by the Chimp and placed in the Computer; the
first Gremlin is a belief, and the second Gremlin is a behaviour. The belief
is that all dogs will bite me, and the behaviour is to run away when you see
a dog.
However, Jenny’s Human might say that this particular dog was disturbed
when it attacked me, which had little to do with me. Therefore, whenever I
meet a dog in the future, I need to be able to assess what its intentions are,
because most dogs are friendly. The Human has placed two Autopilots into
the Computer. The first is a belief that most dogs are friendly. The second is
a behaviour, which is to assess the dog and then act appropriately.
The Computer now has conflicting beliefs and advice in it and needs tidying
up. Otherwise, when Jenny next sees a dog, she is more likely to take the
Chimp’s advice, in order to make sure she is protected and takes little risk.
The good news is that we can change programmes in our Computer by
changing the way we think about something and establishing what is true
and what is helpful. We can replace Gremlins with Autopilots.
The Computer running a programme

When the Chimp and Human
interpret situations, they always Key Point
check with the Computer for advice.
Paradoxically, the Computer is only The Computer can only
going to give them the advice that give advice that the
they put into it in the first place! It is Human and Chimp have
more of a reminder. This ‘reminder’ put into it.
is based on memory, experience and
beliefs. The Computer will need
If the Computer is programmed attention from time-to-time
with a response to a situation, then it to remove unhelpful
will take over with automatic advice or false beliefs!
behaviours. [38] Therefore, the
Computer can either give advice or take over.
The two functions of the

Computer
Reprogramming the Computer

We often put Autopilots or Gremlins into our minds without knowing we
have put them in. Usually we have to think through our beliefs in order to
recognise how helpful or unhelpful they can be. Similarly, we need to
recognise and replace destructive behaviours with constructive behaviours
that can become habits.
Example of an Autopilot: “What’s the plan?”
Here is an example of a practical Autopilot that produces an automatic
helpful behaviour.
Whenever we meet a stressful situation, our Chimps naturally take over
and often put us into an anxious state. The Chimp usually engages these
anxious emotions and keeps focussing on the problem. This pattern can be
broken, by programming your Computer with the automatic immediate
response of asking, “What’s the plan?” when faced with any stressful
situation.
Example: The Autopilot in action -

Gordon and the burst tyre
Gordon was driving to an interview for a job that he really wanted. As he
drove along the road, he realised that he had driven across some broken
glass. Two of his tyres had burst and the car was now immobile. Gordon’s
Chimp immediately went into meltdown and lost all perspective. The
Chimp was focussing on the two tyres and the fact that the interview will be
missed. The frustration, anger, anxiety or despondency that results could be
overwhelming. However, Gordon had programmed his Computer to respond
immediately to any setback with “What’s the plan?”.
With this response, Gordon immediately accepted the situation, and by

working with it, he formed a plan of action. He then engaged in a
constructive pattern of working and kept his mind focused on the solution.
Finding and replacing Gremlins with

Autopilots
Sometimes our unhelpful habits, behaviours or beliefs are obvious to us. At
other times you have to stop and think about what you are doing or what
your beliefs are, in order to find your Gremlins. Gremlins often work
silently in our minds but have a great influence. For example, if we are
regularly faced with a particular problem, we usually develop a learnt
behaviour in response to this problem. If this behaviour goes unchallenged
it becomes a habit. Habits can often be very poor coping strategies.
Example: Leanne and her stressed Chimp
Whenever Leanne’s Chimp becomes stressed, it looks to her Computer for
help. Her Computer has a Gremlin in it that states that: to relax you can
have a drink of alcohol. Although this might relax Leanne, in the long-term
it is a poor coping strategy for learning to relax. Leanne has to recognise the
Gremlin and replace it with something more helpful, such as relaxation
techniques or phoning a friend.
Finding Gremlins is not often so obvious or easy! The reason that it is
often difficult to remove a Gremlin is because we don’t usually recognise
the unhelpful behaviour or belief. Also, they are often unique to us.
For example, if we had someone with low self-esteem, then they could
have any number of beliefs that are contributing to this. These beliefs could
include:
I am not as good as other people
Whenever I try something it doesn’t usually work out
I feel others are constantly judging me
I believe that you have to have special talents to have good self-esteem
I see myself as unattractive
This list is endless and could have some very unusual beliefs.
How do we find whether we are

holding unhelpful beliefs?
The answer is to reflect on why you are getting the feelings that you are
experiencing.
Once we recognise an unhelpful belief or behaviour, we need to replace it
with a helpful truth or behaviour that resonates with you. In other words,
Gremlins don’t and can’t go away unless you replace them with an
Autopilot.
Therefore, in the examples of the beliefs above we could find these
beliefs by asking ourselves some searching questions and then replace the
beliefs with some that are truthful but much more constructive.
“I am not as good as other people” could be found by asking what do you
think is ‘good’ in another person? Your Chimp might answer, “If they are
clever or look good”. However, your Human might answer, “If they have
sound morals and have a positive outlook”. These are very different
answers.
You now have the choice to decide
which of the answers you want to
work with: Chimp or Human? You
Key Point
might then find that, by choosing the A Gremlin can only be
Human answer, you do possess the removed if it is replaced
qualities that you believe to be by an Autopilot.
‘good’.
Example: Debra and her relationship
Debra has had a run of unsuccessful relationships. She doesn’t know if it is
the men she is choosing or if it is something to do with her, or a bit of both.
She now wants to explore what might be causing her relationships to fail.
When we are trying to find Gremlins it can help to identify a pattern of
unwanted behaviour. Her first step is to look back at her relationships and
see if she can spot a pattern of behaviour that was unhelpful. She noticed
that when her partner was late, she immediately started thinking that he was
up to no good and deceiving her. She would then tell him this and explain
that it was unsettling her. This might seem reasonable, but is it?
The Chimp puts Gremlins into the

Computer
First, the partner might be someone who is not organised, and that is his
prerogative. People offer themselves to us as they are, not to be criticised or
moulded into how we want them to be. Debra can only help her partner to
change if he feels it is a problem and he wants to change. Otherwise, she
needs to accept him as he is or end the relationship.
This approach assumes that the problem is not within Debra herself. Here
are two possible Gremlins. Her first Gremlin is in believing that if her
partner is late then he could be deceiving her. Her second Gremlin is the
coping strategy that she then uses to reassure herself: challenging him and
explaining how she is getting upset. This challenging is unlikely to go down
well with someone who might feel they are not being trusted or are being
criticised. What could she do to break this unhelpful belief and behaviour?
She can address the reason she feels vulnerable, which could be low self-
esteem.
Alternatively, she might not be accepting the reality that many
relationships do fail. However, starting with mistrust is very likely to lower
the chances of success in any relationship. Maybe she has not accepted that
for any relationship to succeed it must be based on trust.
Perhaps she has a hidden belief that she will never find the right partner
or perhaps she believes that the right partner will have a role of always
reassuring her. I am sure you can think of any number of reasons why Debra
might be struggling and how she could turn this around.
Example: Matthew and his search for a partner
Matthew is unhappy because every time he meets a girl that he likes, he
finds his Chimp is quite intense and worried about losing her. This often
results in his Chimp sabotaging the relationship. He recognises his Chimp is
intense but doesn’t know how to stop it. Any unhelpful repeat pattern often
points to a hidden Gremlin that is prodding the Chimp.
Matthew can ask himself, “Why do I become intense?” At first he might
answer, “Because I am afraid of losing the relationship”. That might be true,
but he needs to search again because he hasn’t answered why he thinks he
might lose the relationship. This time he comes up with, “I think girls will
only stay if I am constantly positive and fun to be with and this I can’t do”.
Now he can check out his belief that unless he is always positive and fun to
be with, then the girl will leave him. This is very unlikely to be true and is
therefore a powerfully unsettling Gremlin. The Autopilot that could replace
this Gremlin is: girls who love me will accept me as I am, and appreciate
that some days I struggle to be positive in my outlook. This Autopilot might
make Matthew feel more positive anyway!
The order of interpreting experiences

The Chimp is more powerful and faster to act than the Human. [40] [41] [17]
Therefore, the Chimp always interprets information first and gets first
chance to act. This explains why we often act before we think. The hallmark
of our Chimp is its impulsive nature, without consideration of
consequences. When our Chimps act impulsively, we often end up
apologising sometime later. The same applies to emotional responses. When
our Chimps act quickly, we can often overreact to a situation and become
distressed. We usually gain some perspective after the event has passed.
The order of action in the mind
- Scientific points
We have seen in Unit 1 that the thalami (T) send any received information to various areas
within the brain, but most importantly, to the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) first. The OFC then
‘discusses’ this information with different parts of the brain to gain some ‘opinions’ about
what to do with it. The message therefore travels in various circuits and crucially passes
through some significant areas before circling back to the OFC. During this circling through
the brain, different areas contribute different ‘opinions’ and facts.
For example, the amygdala (A) helps to decide on whether we should choose fight, flight
or freeze. The tract that joins the OFC and amygdala is called the uncinate fasciculus (UF).
Somehow, this tract appears to give us a conscience, when we make decisions. It’s no
surprise that ‘psychopathic’ individuals have a small tract and appear to have no conscience
about the actions they take.
The anterior cingulate gyrus (ACG) plays a big part in letting the OFC know whether
something is good or bad and also the strength of how good or bad it is. The hippocampal
formation (HF) stores factual memory and brings this into play and relays these facts back
to the OFC.
At the same time as the limbic system is operating to make decisions, the message is
also being sent, but more slowly, by the thalami to the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex
(DLPFC). The DLPFC acts to bring rationality and logic to a situation, but because it is slow
to act, impulsive decisions are often made before rationality has any influence. [5] [6] [42]
[43] [44] [45] [46]
Information circulates to many areas before

returning
To keep things simple, we will look at three different aspects that govern the
way the mind functions:
1. Power
2. Advice
3. Speed
1. Power
There is a strict hierarchy when it comes to power. The Chimp is the
strongest and is five times more powerful than the Human.[47] [48] The
Human has some power but not much! The Computer has no power.
Here is the power hierarchy:
Power is all about having the final say in decision-making. In the mind,
power can be thought of as being the ability of one system to override the
others using neurotransmitters or hormones. The Chimp can use these
chemical messengers to block the action of the Human. This can account for
why we want to think and behave in a certain way but often seem to do the
opposite.
2. Advise or influence
Advice is in the hands of the Computer. The Computer can advise both the
Human and the Chimp, and both of them must listen. They will find it
extremely difficult to go against the advice.
Advice is given in the form of beliefs, which either the Human or Chimp
has previously put into the Computer.
3. Speed
The speed at which each team acts goes in the order: Computer, Chimp then
Human. The Computer is twenty times faster than the Human and four
times faster than the Chimp. [49] [50]
Speed is determined mainly by two aspects. The first is the type of

neurotransmitter used to pass on messages between neurones; these can be
fast or slow transmitters. The second aspect is how myelinated (insulated) a
tract is. This insulation will make the pathway faster to pass the message on.
[51] [52]
Information entering the mind: how

this works in practice
Please refer to the diagram below as you read this passage because the
diagram will help you to visualise the order of the steps by which the mind
operates.
1st Step
When information enters the brain, the relay station first sends the
information received to the Chimp. [5] [6]
2nd Step
The Chimp now does something remarkable. The first thing it does is to
stop the Human from acting. It effectively knocks the Human out with a
sledgehammer! [53] [54] [40] It does this, so that the Human does not interfere
with what the Chimp needs to do. The Chimp needs to assess for danger and
then act quickly, if it perceives any.[55] The Human, being slow to act, could
hamper any emergency action that needs taking.
3rd Step
The second thing the Chimp does, having removed any Human interference,
is to look into the Computer for any advice. At this point, we can see that
the Chimp is in charge and is demonstrating its power.
4th Step
When the Computer is given the information by the Chimp, it has a choice
to do one of three things:
1. If the Computer recognises the information from the Chimp and it is
programmed to act automatically, then the Computer will take over and
act immediately. [33] This is step 4a.
2. If the Computer has advice programmed into it, then it will feedback
this advice to the Chimp. The advice usually takes the form of recalling
previous experience, offering some context to the information or
supplying truths and beliefs about the information. This advice could
be helpful (an Autopilot) or unhelpful (a Gremlin) or it could come
from the Stone of Life. This is step 4b.
3. If the Computer has no advice relating to the information it has
received, it will remain silent and hand back the information to the
Chimp. This is also step 4b – Handing back to the Chimp.
5th Step
The Chimp now acts, if the Computer has not taken over.
All of these actions happen in less than a fifth of a second. [56] [57]
The outcome is that either the Computer acts or the Chimp acts. The only
time the Human acts early, is if the Chimp doesn’t feel the need to act. In
this case, the Chimp goes silent and the 6th step comes into play.
6th Step
The Human has a chance to act, but only after the Chimp has decided not to
act or has already acted. If the Chimp has already acted, this often leaves us
apologising for what the Chimp has already said or done!
All of these arrows are fixed into place and is the way the mind will work.
There is one final optional arrow. If we actively choose to programme the
Computer with what we want to happen or what we want to believe, then
arrow number 7 comes into play.
7th Step: THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE!
The 7th Step is an optional step and one that many people neglect. This is
the step that you can use to manage your mind. It is all about
programming the Computer. If your Computer is programmed effectively,
and cleared of Gremlins, then when the Chimp turns to the Computer, the
Computer can take over. It can carry out your wishes and also settle the
Chimp down. You can move directly to step 4a. This programming is
something that you can do in your development time.
It might have struck you already,
but there are no direct arrows going Key Point
from Human to Chimp. The We CANNOT CONTROL
implication is crucial. It leads us to a
the Chimp; we can only
most important key point.
MANAGE it
As the diagram for managing the
mind is quite complex, but very important, we will look at some scenarios
to bring the process to life. These scenarios are all based on one simple
example, but each scenario has a different programming of the Computer to
demonstrate the steps in action.
Scenario The Computer has no advice and isn’t programmed

1:
Scenario The Computer has mixed advice from the Human and Chimp
2:
Scenario The Computer only has helpful advice or has been programmed
3: to take over
How to operate within the rules
The example: The failed lightbulb
Terry has arrived home from work and noticed that one of the lightbulbs in
his living room has failed. There is enough light from the other lightbulb
fitting to light the room. Terry, from his Human, wants to change the
lightbulb straightaway because it needs doing and there is no reason not to
do it. Terry’s Chimp knows changing the bulb will be a hassle. It would
rather put off changing the lightbulb and sit down to watch the television.
Terry’s Computer is waiting to be woken up and then it will advise or act.
Scenario 1: When the Computer has no advice or is not programmed
The Chimp receives the information that a lightbulb needs changing: the 1st
step. It prevents Terry’s Human from thinking and then turns to the
Computer: the 2nd and 3rd steps. The Computer has no advice to offer
because neither Human nor Chimp has put any advice in. The Computer
can’t take over and act because it doesn’t have a programme to do this.
Therefore, the Chimp decides what to do, and sits down to watch television.
There might be short-term gains from this, but in the long-term the task still
needs doing.
The Chimp can become

unpredictable when the Computer
is not programmed
Scenario 2: When the Computer has mixed advice from the Chimp and
Human
If Terry has met this situation before or thought about it, then he will have
put thoughts into the Computer.
In this case, after the Chimp has prevented Terry‘s Human from thinking,
it will turn to the Computer to be given advice. This time the Computer has
beliefs in it. The Human has placed some constructive and helpful beliefs
(Autopilots) and the Chimp has put in some unhelpful beliefs (Gremlins).
In Terry’s case, these are:

Autopilots
When I act immediately I always feel better in myself
When I act immediately, I don’t have jobs hanging over me
Gremlins
I can always put things off and usually I can get away with putting
things off
I need to feel in the mood to do things, and if I don’t feel in the mood,
then there is no point in doing anything
With these mixed messages being fed back to the Chimp, the Chimp
chooses to listen to what will give it instant gratification. The Chimp
chooses to put things off and sits down to watch television!
The Chimp can still be
unpredictable if the Computer is
offering mixed advice
Scenario 3: When the Computer only has helpful advice from the Human
or has been programmed to take over
In this scenario, the Chimp will still act but it will act in a very reasonable
manner because the Computer will advise it appropriately.
The Chimp will become settled

and has a reasonable reaction if
the Computer has suitable
Autopilots
Terry has cleaned up his Computer by adding Autopilots and removing
Gremlins:
Adding Autopilots that can apply to all unexpected events:

I will only focus on the process for resolving any problem
I am proud to be someone who is proactive and then relaxes
I always feel better when jobs are out of the way
Removing Gremlins
Terry will do this by replacing them with Autopilots.
Gremlin: I can still see, so I will change the lightbulb later.
Autopilot: I see it as being lazy to put off what you can do now – I don’t
want to be lazy.
Terry’s Chimp doesn’t like the idea of being seen as lazy, so this drives his
Chimp to act.
Gremlin: I need to feel in the mood to do it and now I feel like I need to
watch television.
Autopilot: it’s not about whether I feel in the mood, it’s about doing what
needs to be done.
The tidy Computer that is also programmed can take over. The Chimp
would not then be involved. Therefore, whenever an unexpected event
happens, the Computer will act immediately and automatically. This results
in blocking the Chimp and Human from thinking.
The Computer takes over with an
automatic programmed behaviour
Does the Human ever act first?

Yes, but only by default!
The Chimp won’t act if:
The information is of no relevance to it
The information poses no threat or concerns
The Chimp has no agenda
If the Chimp has no interest in what it is being offered, then it will stop in
its tracks. Therefore, the Chimp receives the information first but stops all
actions. This means the message can now go directly to the Human. By
default, the Human can now act first. The Human then consults with the
Computer for any relevant advice. If the Computer knows what to do, it will
take over. Otherwise, it will hand advice to the Human and the Human will
then change the lightbulb, taking this advice into consideration.
The Human goes first if the Chimp

is not interested or alerted
Implication of the rules of the mind
If you reflect on the way the mind receives information and the rules by
which it works, then you can see just how important the Computer becomes
in helping us to manage our behaviour, thinking and emotions.
The Computer will be considered in detail, as we progress through this
mind management course, but first let’s look at how we keep the Computer
in good working order.
Tidying up the Computer

The Human and Chimp constantly put beliefs and behaviours into the
Computer for storage. These will be used to advise both Human and Chimp.
They also allow the Computer to take over, if it is programmed to act
spontaneously, such as being able to drive the car to work without thinking
about it.
How do we remove a Gremlin that the Chimp or Human has put into the
Computer?:
First, we need to recognise what unhelpful beliefs or behaviours are
present
Then we need to decide what beliefs or behaviours we want to replace
them with
Finding true statements that challenge unhelpful beliefs is very effective at
removing them.
Example: David and the wedding speech
David is the best man at a wedding and he is dreading giving the speech. If
we look into his Computer, we might find the following two unhelpful
beliefs:
1. I will make a mess of this
2. People will think I am incompetent
He can now tidy up the Computer and remove these Gremlins by using
some truths. He can address his Gremlins and replace them with the
following Autopilots:
If I do make a mess of the
speech, then at least I did my Key Point
best. I am an adult and I can get An important reminder: A
over it rule of the mind is that a
Reasonable people don’t care if Gremlin can only be
I make a mess. They understand removed by replacing it
that most people are not gifted with an Autopilot.
speakers. Unreasonable people
are not worth worrying about
If David believes these statements to be true, then his fears will now
subside, as he has replaced his Gremlins with the new Autopilots.
Unit 2
Reminders
The Chimp and Human can both:
Store beliefs in the Computer
Manage the Computer
Gremlins can be removed by replacing them with Autopilots
We cannot CONTROL the Chimp but we can MANAGE it
We can manage the Chimp by programming the Computer
The two functions of the Computer
The order of the steps by which the

mind operates
The order of the steps by which the
mind operates
The 7th step is optional, but
is the most important step
Unit 2
Exercises
1. Finding and replacing Gremlins with Autopilots
2. Establishing Autopilots into the Computer
3. Appreciating how the system works
4. Application of the rules
Focus 1: Finding and replacing Gremlins

with Autopilots
Exercise: Searching for and replacing Gremlins

This exercise is for you to try to uncover beliefs or behaviours that are not
helping you and then to look for alternative constructive beliefs and
behaviours (Autopilots) to replace these Gremlins.
Look for times when you experience negative emotions and ask yourself:
Is there a pattern of behaviour that I am repeating that is unhelpful?
What alternative behaviour could I try?
What beliefs am I holding that are creating these emotions?
Are my beliefs and expectations in a situation realistic?
What beliefs and behaviours would I like to have that will make me
feel better?
Focus 2: Establishing Autopilots into the

Computer
Exercise: Try out the “What’s the plan?” Autopilot
One rule of the mind is: The Chimp will react and take over if the Computer
is not programmed for action or it doesn’t have some sound advice to offer
the Chimp.
Try programming your Computer with the Autopilot of behaviour that asks,
“What’s the plan?” whenever you have a setback or are in a stressful
situation.
To do this, you need to recognise when something is troubling you or there

is a problem. Once you have recognised this situation, you need to
immediately ask yourself “What’s the plan?”, and cease engaging with
Chimp emotions. By asking this question, you will be engaging your
Human circuits to begin finding solutions to move forward with.
By practicing this change of behaviour, it will become the norm for you
to become immediately proactive with a plan. If you always immediately
ask, “What’s the plan?”, you are very likely to find that you save a lot of
time and energy, which would otherwise have been wasted on engaging
with unhelpful emotions.
Focus 3: Appreciating how the system works

Below is a diagram of how the system would work in a specific situation.
The example shows a scenario with some possible thoughts held by the
Human, Chimp and Computer.
Example: The Human wants to tidy up the house but it isn’t happening!
This simplified diagram is to demonstrate the principles involved. The
Human and Chimp are on a different page. The Computer has both
Gremlins and Autopilots in it. When the Chimp asks the Computer for
advice, it will become confused because there are mixed messages. The
Chimp has a choice of what it will listen to and it is likely to choose the
Gremlins. Therefore, the house remains a mess.
We could challenge the Gremlins to see if they are true or helpful. For
example, is it really true that we have to be in the right mood to tidy a
house? The truth is much more likely to be that regardless of what we feel,
once we get started, we will feel better and will get on with the job. This is
a helpful and true Autopilot that can replace the Gremlin.
Exercise: Completing the thinking
Kieran wants to learn a new language, but he is struggling to get started.
Try to work out what each of his systems is likely to be thinking in the
following scenario and then think of ways to replace the Gremlins.
Focus 4: Application of the rules
Exercise: Applying the principles to yourself
Reflect on your own situations, where you feel your Chimp has hijacked
you. Try to elicit what each of your three systems is saying. This is likely to
show you why you are being hijacked. It might help if you draw the
systems out on paper. It is likely that each system will have several things to
say.
The question to ask yourself is: “What state is my Computer in?”

Is it lacking any advice and any programming?
Does it have mixed advice from the Human and Chimp?
Does it have only helpful advice and is it programmed to take over?
If you find any Gremlins, then replace them with Autopilots.
Unit 3
Developing yourself
Unit 3: is about developing your Human. We will consider the
advantages and great importance of choosing to operate in
Human mode. We will look at how to do this by establishing
your options. Finally, we will look at how the Human and Chimp
systems can work effectively together.
The advantages of choosing to operate in

Human mode
Imagine the case of two hypothetical people:
The first person is always emotionally stable, thinks rationally and is
secure within themselves
The second person is always emotionally unstable, thinks irrationally
and is insecure within themselves
Emotionally unstable would include all aspects of being sabotaged by their
own thinking, emotions or behaviours. Examples of this could include
worrying unnecessarily, repeating destructive behaviours, always thinking
negatively or becoming unhelpfully frustrated.
With these fixed states of mind, they present as two very different people.
Two states of mind
Who is likely to succeed in life?

If we ask the question “which of these two people is likely to succeed in
life?” most people would probably say, “Steve, the answer is obvious. The
first person has a greater probability of success than the second person”.
Stop and think about what has been said. We have said that the person with
a stable and secure mind is more likely to be successful and yet we have not
yet identified what it is they are trying to be successful at. What is important
here is that this holds true no matter how we define success or what we are
trying to be successful in. Whether the goals are personal, professional,
individual or in teamwork, it really doesn’t matter. The first person is likely
to do better than the second person.
It also holds true that the first person, being stable, is much more likely to
be happy, content, confident and secure. Trying to succeed in business
ventures, relationships, sport, healthy living, and anything else you would
like to name, does not just rely on a good plan. It relies mainly on a stable
person implementing the plan. [58] [59] [60] [61] [62] [63] [64] [65] [66] [67]
If someone asked me “How do I
become successful, happy, confident
or get a better quality of life?”, I
would suggest that they could ask a
different question. A better question
would be “How do I get my mind to
become stable and secure?”. This is
because success, happiness,
confidence and an improved quality
of life are all more likely to happen How do I get my mind to
when you have a stable and secure become stable and secure?
mind.
Occasionally, there are times when being unstable might help us to
change, but it seems self-evident that the stable person is more likely to be
productive and to deal with day-to-day situations more constructively. It is
true that it is possible for unstable people to succeed, and some do. What we
are looking at is how to increase the probability of success.
We can put in place the best processes and plans in the world and the
most efficient systems but if the people who engage these processes or
systems are inherently or intermittently unstable then the chance of success
diminishes. Naturally, we want good processes and good systems in place,
but we need the right people in the right state of mind to operate them. Even
poor processes and systems can be made to work, when they are being
operated by the right people in the right state of mind.
The ideal situation would be to

have a stable person entering a
great environment
The self-evident factor, therefore, in Key Point
raising the probability of success is
The critical factor in
the stability of the person
raising the probability of
themselves. This is so often
success is the stability of
overlooked.
the individual person
entering any process or
system.
Get into a good place before you

begin.
But..... how do I make the move?
Earlier, we compared two hypothetical people, one was psychologically
stable, and one was psychologically unstable. Obviously, they don’t exist.
Nobody is always stable, and nobody is always unstable. We move between
these two states on a regular basis. These two hypothetical people actually
represent the two thinking and analysing systems that operate within our
minds: The Human and the Chimp. These two systems continually
fluctuate, with nature dictating which system operates, unless we intervene.
For example, nature will default our mind to the Chimp system if any
‘threat’ is perceived.[68]
If we learn to switch from the Chimp
system into the Human system, we will
have a way of shifting from an emotionally
unstable mind to a stable one.
Key Point Two fluctuating states of

Working in Human mode mind arising from two
can put us at great different systems
advantage for being
successful.
Example: Planning some work

Let’s say that you are about to do some work and your Chimp is raring to
go. If the Chimp leads, then it’s likely that the process for doing the work
won’t be very well organised. It might not be in a logical order and your
Chimp will not consider the long-term outcome. By stopping and resetting
into Human mode, we can plan the best approach and consider what
problems we might meet further down the line.
Example: Henry and the difficult conversation
Henry was about to confront his neighbour and knew that the conversation
would be difficult. Henry wanted to let the neighbour know that the hedge
between them needed cutting back, as it was growing onto Henry’s drive.
If Henry isn’t careful and approaches this in Chimp mode, then Henry’s
Chimp is likely to choose very emotional words, emphasise its annoyance
and make sure it wins the conversation. Henry himself would just like to
resolve the problem and be on good terms with his neighbour. If Henry
stops and puts himself into Human mode before beginning the conversation
then the outcome will most likely be a good one and Henry will still be on
good terms with his neighbour. It only takes a few moments for Henry to
stop and think things through and then be in the right mode before the
conversation, to prevent his Chimp from hijacking him and causing
unnecessary friction.
When you are about to have a
difficult conversation, do you start it
in Chimp mode without realising it?
By reflecting before you begin, you
can quickly switch to Human mode.
You can then think about how you
want to be during the conversation
and consider how you want to Stability is achieved by
approach it. If you remain in Chimp switching from Chimp to
mode, then spontaneity might feel Human mode.
good at the time but have unhelpful
consequences afterwards.
Brain activity
- Scientific points
Brain scanners can show us which part of the brain is working by ‘lighting up’. This ‘lighting
up’ (with bright colours on the scanner diagram) shows which part of the brain is using up
oxygen from the blood supply. Using brain scanners, we can therefore see when the Chimp
system is working. At that time, we are much more likely to experience feelings and
thoughts of insecurity, have less rational thinking, have judgement based on feelings and be
emotionally unstable; for example, we could overreact, have mood swings or feel anxious.
[69]
Diagrammatic representation to illustrate

how we can see the different parts of the
brain working
If we can change from operating with the Chimp system to operating with the Human
system, this will show up on the scanner. When this happens and the Human is working, we
show increased emotional stability and confidence, work with rational thinking and show
sound judgement. [8]
Although working with the Chimp system can have its advantages, working
with the Human system is much more likely to be beneficial. By learning to
switch to the Human system and to operate with this system, we will be
developing our Human.
Establishing your options

One way to switch systems from Chimp to Human is not only to recognise
that we have a choice, but also to know what that choice is. We can find
what our choice is by establishing how we would like to operate, as opposed
to how our Chimp might want to operate, thus giving us that choice.
When we are in Human mode we can step back and look more
objectively at how we would like to be. When we are in Chimp mode we
simply engage with the emotions that situations evoke in us.
Recognising two options and making a choice will help to develop our
Human system.
How am I behaving and
thinking?
A fundamentally different approach

One way to significantly develop Chimps react – Humans
your Human is to recognise the respond.
option you have between ‘reacting’
and ‘responding’ in life. This point
makes such an important distinction
between the Human and the Chimp.
It needs some reflection to fully
appreciate it. At the end of this Unit
there will be an exercise based on
this principle. If you can grasp and
recognise this principle in action, it
can transform the way that you deal
with life. [70] [71] [72] [73]
Example: Cathy the runner
Cathy is a runner who enjoys half marathon races. She was training for an
important race, when her calf muscle suddenly tore. If she is in Chimp
mode, she will react to the situation. She may fall into despair, become
angry, be distressed or think catastrophically. All of these are a reaction to
the situation, which is very natural but is unlikely to help.
If she is in Human mode, she might still be disappointed, but she will
respond to the situation by first accepting the reality and facts, and then
forming a plan of action to manage the injury. Once she has a plan in place,
such as to rest, get the muscle assessed and re-adjust her training plan, her
Chimp will settle down.
During the rehabilitation, if Cathy returns to Chimp mode, then she is
again likely to experience some typical Chimp reactions. These could
include: over doing things, becoming despondent or obsessively searching
out different ways to get her leg to heal more quickly. The Chimp is likely
to keep comparing where she is, to where she wants to be, and become
impatient and frustrated.
This example demonstrates the very important principle that there is a
world of difference between ‘reacting’ and ‘responding’ to events and
situations. Responding means accepting the situation and then forming a
plan to find a solution. ‘Accepting’ doesn’t mean rolling over! It means
establishing and working with the facts that are in front of you.
Example: Gerry and the MOT failure

Gerry has booked his car in for its MOT. The following day he has an early
start setting off in the car for a holiday with his family. Everyone is excited.
At the end of the day he goes to collect his car and is told that it has failed
the MOT and needs immediate urgent work. His wife, who is standing next
to him, takes a deep breath in preparation for Gerry’s Chimp’s reaction.
Gerry’s Chimp explodes. He expresses several irrelevant things: “Why is
this piece of junk ruining my holiday? Why is this always happening to
me?”. The Chimp concludes: “I never wanted to buy this car in the first
place. There will be no holiday this year”.
Instead of this reaction, Gerry could have remained in Human mode and
responded with dignity. He could have remained calm, accepted the
situation and immediately put a plan in place to manage it. It isn’t the end of
the world.
There is a compromise: Gerry could exercise his Chimp by allowing it
some controlled expression for a few minutes of managed expletives into
the air, and then move into Human mode. Only Gerry knows the best way to
manage his Chimp. An emotionally skilled individual can reach a point
where the Human mode becomes automatic.
Starting from where you are

The Chimp is by nature driven to
protect us. For most of us, this Key Point
means we have an impulsive Chimp
Chimps react: Humans
that wants to begin at the end point
respond.
and not the start. Therefore, the
Chimp will compare where we are,
to where it wants to be, and compare what it wants to have to what it has
actually got. It will therefore always perceive a lack. Our Chimps can then
become despondent, frustrated or agitated.
The Human starts from where they are and what they have, and then
makes plans to get to where they want to be. This is a constructive approach
that usually enthuses us.
Example: Jane and the hair salon
Jane has recently started her own
small hair salon. She eventually Key Point
hopes to have regular customers with
a turnover of around 12 people a day. Start from where you are
She has currently built up to just and what you have got.
three customers a day. If her Chimp
looks at this situation, it will look to where it wants to be and only see how
far off she is. The Chimp then becomes agitated by the current situation and
feels worried that it might not get there.
If Jane switches into Human mode, then she will accept that where she is
at the moment is fine in the scheme of things. In Human mode she will then
make plans to increase her clientele, in order to reach her target.
Developing yourself as a person by

choosing Human mode
Having established that it would be helpful to be in Human mode most of
the time, and that we have a choice, how do we manage to do this?
We have seen that one way we can
move into Human mode is by Key Point
actively deciding on what we want to
The starting point for
do and how we want to be. We first developing yourself, is to
create our options and then carry out
dissociate yourself from
our choice. This helps our Human your machine, and work
develop and helps us to move into out how you want to feel,
Human mode. think and behave.
‘Developing your Human’
effectively means being yourself, without any unhelpful interference from
either Chimp or Computer.
As we have discovered, the Human within you begins with a blank piece
of paper and writes down how they want to be. Therefore, to develop
yourself, you need to make decisions on how you want to be, BEFORE you
address the Chimp or the Computer’s contributions.
Example: Toni and her reflections
Toni says that she reacts in life in a catastrophic way and presents herself to
the world as someone who is overly anxious.
Toni’s first step is to dissociate herself from her machine and stop
blaming herself.
She does not overreact; it is her Chimp that is overreacting and being
catastrophic. Her job is to manage the Chimp and prevent it from becoming
distressed. After acknowledging that it is her Chimp, she can now work out
how her Human wants to feel and behave in any situation. She could, for
example, state that she wants to be calm and take things in her stride. This
defines what she is truly feeling and how she would be behaving, if her
machine had not taken over.
Toni has now established the two Key Point

options to choose from:
When developing yourself,
1. Her Chimp: catastrophic and it is important to
anxious recognise that there are
2. Her Human: calm and taking always two distinct
things in her stride options open to you: what
In order to go with her Human’s you want and what your
choice she needs to manage her Chimp wants.
Chimp. She can do this by
programming her Computer. This, we will cover in great detail, as we go
through the course. The important point for now is that two options have
been clearly established.
How the Human and Chimp systems
can work effectively together
Although we can choose to work in either Human or Chimp mode, if we can
get our Human and Chimp to work together, we are likely to obtain a better
outcome.
Can being in Chimp mode be a good thing?

Before we consider the Human and Chimp working together, it’s worth
asking a question: As our minds are frequently defaulting into Chimp mode,
“is there any time when being in Chimp mode is a good thing?” The answer
is definitely “yes”. The Chimp can offer so much.
Here are two helpful aspects of our Chimp:
1. Scanning for danger: The Chimp constantly scans for danger, which
is of great help to us. However, it often sees danger where there isn’t
any, to the point of becoming neurotic or paranoid and unhelpful!
2. Intuition: The Chimp can use ‘intuitive’ judgement [15] [74] [75], which
can sometimes be just as accurate and helpful as ‘rational’ judgement.
[31]
Example of intuition: The new home

When we first go to buy or rent a property, it is often our intuitive feelings
that let us know whether this could be a future home or not. Although our
impressions are based on our perceptions and some facts, it is hard to
pinpoint why some dwellings feel warm and others not so friendly. Subtle
factors, such as the way the sunlight falls into a room, creating an
atmosphere, or the shape of each of the rooms, could make our Chimp feel
more comfortable or less comfortable. The Chimp will intuitively notice
such details. Often, we cannot quite put our finger on what it is, but we just
know that there is something advising us from within.
This first impression can also be accurate when we meet new people. It
all depends on whether or not your Chimp is good at using intuition and
how correct its feelings are. Some Chimps are amazing at this, and others
appear to be clueless! You have to know your Chimp.
Example of the Chimp being helpful: The deadline and pressure
Our Chimps, and often our Humans, like deadlines. Remus is about to take
an exam. If he is in Human mode, he will commit to study on a steady basis
and shouldn’t have any problems, such as having to cram as the exam
approaches. However, Remus’s Chimp has been in charge for most of the
course and the steady work ethic just hasn’t happened. Now with just two
weeks to go, the Chimp has gone into melt down. Its panic buttons are
pressed, and it will now bring focus to the situation. It is Remus’s Chimp
that will effectively force him to study intensively (perhaps over doing it)
until the exam arrives. Obviously, this is far from ideal, but it works for
many of us! The Chimp both creates and solves the problem.
The Chimp both creates... and solves the problem.

When under pressure from any source, most of our Chimps will act and
compel us to commit to tasks. This is because they will respect deadlines.
Generally, Chimps hate to fail and characteristically attach great importance
to any form of assessment or competition. The Chimp also works hard when
it is made to be accountable.
Therefore, being in Chimp mode can have its advantages and we will see
a lot more of these advantages as we continue to understand our mind.
The Human and Chimp working
together with decision-making and
problem solving
There are two aspects to problem solving:
1. The recognition of the problem
2. The solution to the problem
The Chimp and Human take different roles when working together. The
Chimp’s role is to recognise that a problem is occurring and to keep
focussing on that problem until the Human comes up with a solution and
acts on this.
The Chimp will alert the Human to the problem by using emotions and
feelings. These can be very uncomfortable to experience, but they alert the
Human and prompt it to act. The Chimp can be persistent, but this is the
Chimp doing a great job and therefore uncomfortable emotions when
making decisions ought to be welcomed!
The Human’s job is to solve the problem with a solution by accepting the
reality of a situation and then constructing a plan. This solution and plan
will reassure and settle the Chimp.
If the Human remains inactive or doesn’t come up with a solution, then
the Chimp will continually focus on the problem. This means the Chimp
will continue to produce uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, until the
Human acts or the problem goes away by itself.
The Chimp’s job | The Human’s
job
The mind creating awareness of a problem

- Scientific points
When the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) receives
information it communicates directly with many areas
of the brain to search for warnings. Two specific areas
help with this. The first is the ventromedial prefrontal The VMPFC and
cortex (VMPFC), which is a store for emotional
experience. It is the home of intuition. When it
the ACG are
receives information from the OFC, it checks to see if
it recognises a pattern and then alerts the OFC to this
part of the
pattern. The VMPFC also lets the OFC know whether
this recognised pattern will result in a good outcome.
Computer
At the same time, a second area, the anterior
cingulate gyrus (ACG), detects conflict and anomalies
feeding back to
and reports these back to the OFC.
The OFC functions on the basis that if something
the Chimp, the
works then it will keep repeating it. When it doesn’t
work then it will change its reaction and try something
OFC.
else. The information the OFC receives from the
VMPFC and the ACG, as well as other areas of the
brain, can cause it to change how it will react to a
situation; otherwise, the OFC just keeps repeating the
same behaviour.
The VMPFC and the ACG are part of the Computer
feeding back to the Chimp, the OFC. [43] [78] [79]
Example: Rebecca and the study day

Rebecca has to complete an online
course on diversity for her work. She Key Point
plans to get this done by working Research shows that the
from home for a day. This seems to best way to solve
be a great plan. Rebecca knows the problems or make
course has to be done and she will
decisions is when the
feel good when it’s completed but Human and Chimp work
her Chimp usually manages to together. [47] [76] [77]
sabotage her attempts to complete
the course. Therefore, when she sets out her plans, she needs to have actions
to manage her Chimp. These must resonate for her and keep her Chimp
happy, so it’s worth her consulting her Chimp to know what it will and
won’t do. Only she can determine how she does this because everyone
responds differently to plans. Some things that might work for her could be:
Rebecca could involve a friend and report back to her friend on her
progress, as she does the course. Many Chimps don’t like to be seen in
a poor light by others. Therefore, by having to report back, the Chimp
will take the lead and drive the work in order that it looks good.
Rebecca could break the course down into small chunks, which her
Chimp feels able to do. Asking our Chimps to do something that is
overwhelming them will very likely lead to avoidance. Rebecca could
for example, let her Chimp know that she will do just 20 minutes to get
started then have a break for 10 minutes. With this plan of having a
break after a short time, many people find that their Chimp will now
engage with the task because their Chimp feels able to do just 20
minutes.
Rebecca could find that she can do the task while listening to music
that she likes. Some Chimps will tolerate doing something if there is
pleasure attached to it. However, for some the pleasure becomes a
distraction!
Example: Getting fit

Most of us want to be fit and do some form of exercise. The reality is that
many of us don’t carry out our plans. The reason is usually because we have
not consulted our Chimps. We need to be realistic about what they will and
won’t do and make suitable plans to get the Chimp on board. Here are some
ideas:
Chimps like to work to routine. If we have an unstructured lifestyle
then the idea that the Chimp will summon up the energy to exercise,
when an opportunity arises, is unlikely to happen. Fixed routines can
help to get the Chimp on board. If a fixed routine isn’t possible then we
have to think again.
An alternative method is to keep a record of exercise sessions. For
many of us, this will increase the chance of the exercise happening
because Chimps like to see achievement.
Joining a walking group or jogging group or a gym class is likely to
work because nearly all Chimps are gregarious and love to socialise.
Working out with a few friends is more likely to work than going it
alone.
Don’t react; respond: The NEAT

process
There is a world of difference between reacting to a situation and
responding to it. Chimps will naturally react to situations. However,
remember that you do have a choice of which mode you want to operate
with, so don’t be fooled into thinking that you have to go with what comes
naturally. Natural doesn’t always equate to helpful.
Reacting is a Chimp in full flow. When we react to situations, usually on

impulse, we haven’t thought through the consequences and the outcomes
become less predictable. Reacting to a situation doesn’t usually result in the
best outcome (there are of course exceptions). The Chimp will often
continue to act on this initial reaction, which often results in the escalation
of a problem.
Responding to a situation (accepting it and then having a plan to deal with

it constructively) is the Human at their best. Most situations have better
outcomes with this approach because it is based on fact-finding and rational
thinking.
Assuming that you want to respond in future, rather than react, to

challenging situations, then having a process to follow would help.
One process that you could try is the ‘NEAT’ process.

N = Normal
E = Expect
A = Accept
T = Take care of it
When you recognise your Chimp is reacting or trying to react, begin by

asking yourself “Is this normal FOR A CHIMP”?
The answer is always “yes”. Anything is ‘Normal’ and healthy for a
Chimp. It might not be helpful, it might even be immoral, but whatever your
Chimp does is normal for a Chimp! It doesn’t help to judge the Chimp; only
be concerned with managing it. This means that you can allow some
managed expression of emotion, which will probably help your Chimp.
Start by seeing the Chimp reaction as healthy and normal.
‘Expect’ your Chimp to react. It is
doing its job. The Chimp has no Key Point
other way of engaging with a
Don’t try to stop the
situation. There are no surprises that
Chimp from reacting, but
our Chimps react impulsively, so
focus on preventing it
expect to have hijacks and reactions
from acting out its
from the Chimp.
reaction.
‘Accept’ the way your Chimp is
reacting. It is the nature of the
Chimp.
Acceptance means working with your Chimp’s reaction. By accepting
that it does react to situations, we can then work with this.
‘Take care of it’; finally, make your plan to take care of the situation in
the manner that you want to, rather than the way your Chimp might try to
take care of things!
Example: Responding not reacting
Jay has a healthy Chimp. One of its features is to react very quickly in an
aggressive manner. Jay has learnt that this is unhelpful but to be expected.
An incident occurred one day, when Jay received a critical and unjust
comment about his work from a colleague. Jay’s Chimp immediately
became poised for an attack. However, Jay’s Computer had now been
programmed to stop the Chimp in its tracks by immediately thinking:
respond don’t react. Jay had programmed in an automatic response to: take
a deep breath, retain your dignity and calmly point out what has
disappointed you, then to wait for a reply. Jay was able to manage his
Chimp in this way.
Example: Tanya and perspective
Tanya’s Chimp demonstrates a characteristic of all of our Chimps: a lack of
perspective. Whenever something unwelcome happens, her Chimp
overreacts. Tanya recognised her Chimp overreacting and programmed her
Computer to respond. This response was to stop, accept the situation and
then look at the bigger picture. To look at the bigger picture, she would ask
herself, “Will this matter in a year’s time?”.
Tanya was late getting ready for work one morning and missed her bus,
which would make her late for work. Her Chimp was about to react, when
her Computer intervened. The Computer recognised the Chimp’s distress
but responded with “Accept the situation” and “Will this situation matter in
a year’s time?”. The answer was “no”. Having calmed the Chimp, the
Chimp then began to challenge her reasoning, with, “But it does matter
today and I might get the sack”.
Tanya’s response was simple, “I can’t change the situation but I am an
adult and I can deal with any consequences that might arise”. As adults, this
is true for all of us.
Tanya then formed her plan to prevent the Chimp from continuing with
its worries. She distracted her Chimp by focussing on her journey to work
and planning her weekend. This example shows how we need to get to
know our Chimps and to know what truths to put into our Computer that
will resonate specifically with us. It’s all about programming the Computer!
Start from where you are and what

you have
When we try to achieve anything, we naturally look to the outcome to see
where we are going. Whatever you are trying to do, no matter how large or
small a task, check to see if you are starting from where you are and what
you have. This Human approach of accepting the situation and moving
forward is much more likely to energise you than trying to start from the
finished task.
Example: Paying off a debt
Jen had to borrow money when an emergency came up. She hadn’t been
managing her money well up to this point and already had a lot owing. The
extra debt had pushed her Chimp into a panicked state. The Chimp could
only look at the debt and see how much was owing. It wanted to be in a
position of no debt and kept comparing Jen’s present situation to what could
be, if she didn’t have any debt. This distressed her Chimp and brought
feelings of dread and sleepless nights. If Jen remains in Chimp mode, she
will always see the debt and how far she is from being free of it. This won’t
provide peace of mind.
By changing into Human mode and starting from where she is, Jen can
accept that the debt is heavy but she is now starting to remove it. As long as
she has a plan, she can stay in the moment of where she is and be happy
with what she has paid off. By staying in the moment and starting from
where she is, Jen can obtain peace of mind.
Example: A small task but a necessary one
For some of us, keeping our home tidy can be quite daunting, particularly if
we have let things go a little or a lot! The reason many people then struggle
to get started is because their Chimp imagines the finished tidy home and
realises just how much work is needed to get there. This overwhelms the
Chimp and it can’t start.
By switching into Human mode, we still see the end outcome of a tidy
home, but we start from where we are. We put our focus on doing just small
amounts of tidying and see progress as we go. We don’t become
overwhelmed because we set our sights on just the next thing to do. This
simple principle can be applied to all tasks. By breaking them down into
steps and targeting the completion of a small step, the Chimp will usually be
fine.
Example: The minnows and the whale
The above example demonstrates what I call the principle of ‘the minnows
and the whale’.
The Chimp will look for quick gains and avoid large tasks, even if these
large tasks have large gains. Our Human will reason that important tasks go
first, regardless of how large they are or the effort needed.
If we were asked to eat either a whale or a few minnows, it’s obvious that
the easy task is to eat the minnows. When we approach a daunting but
essential task, our Chimp will tend to search for smaller tasks that we can do
quickly in order to avoid the daunting task. For example, if we have to
answer ten emails and one of them is essential to respond to but it is large,
the Chimp will tend to reason that “I will just clear these nine smaller ones
then I can concentrate on the large ale. It’s never OK to eat a whale, so don’t
try!
How do we overcome this behaviour, which often leads to jobs not
getting done? The secret is to break the whale down into edible pieces. In
other words turn the whale into minnows and eat them one by one. We
could break the daunting email into smaller steps that we can tackle one by
one. By taking small steps, it encourages our Chimp to keep going.
How do we manage our Chimp if it doesn’t cooperate?
What happens when we decide how we want to be, but the Chimp
prevents us from carrying out our choice? When the Chimp is sabotaging
our choices, there are two main ways of moving into Human mode.
The first way
This is to manage unhelpful emotions, behaviours and thinking, as they
appear. This is when our Chimps have hijacked us and taken over without
our permission. We need to know how to quickly move back into Human
mode. We usually get hijacked repeatedly throughout the day, so it is
important to recognise when this is happening or has already happened. We
can then deal with the situation quickly and effectively.
The second way
This is to prevent unhelpful emotions, behaviours and thinking from
occurring in the first place. This approach means that we can ideally start
and end our day in Human mode.
Two ways to move into Human mode
During this course, we will explore these two ways in depth, and will see
just how critical a role the Computer plays. We will begin by looking at the
Chimp in more detail and how to manage it when it has hijacked us. This
will be covered in Stage 2.
Unit 3
Reminders
Stability of mind is achieved by switching from Chimp to Human
In Human mode, we can greatly increase our chances of being
successful
In any situation, establishing your Human and Chimp options will give
you a choice
Chimps react: Humans respond by accepting reality and forming a
plan
Humans start from where they are and what they have; Chimps start
from where they want to be and what they are lacking
When the Human and Chimp work together, problem solving and
decision-making are at their best
The Chimp’s role is to quickly recognise a problem and let you know
about it; the Human’s role is to find a solution and reassure the Chimp
Unit 3
Exercises
1. Being in the right mode
2. Plans and making joint decisions
3. Don’t react; respond
4. Start from where you are and what you have
Focus 1: Being in the right mode

It isn’t difficult to stop and take just a few moments to ask yourself if you
are in the right mode before you engage in any situation. Sometimes, it’s
very easy to recognise that you are in Chimp mode. Being in Chimp mode
can be with or without strong emotions. Once you have recognised that the
Chimp is in control, you can then pause and often reset yourself quite
quickly.
Exercise: Am I in the right place before I begin?
Which mode would be best?

This reflective exercise is about recognising when you are in Chimp mode
and deciding if switching to Human mode would be helpful before you
begin.
When the Chimp enters a conversation, it rarely thinks about what the
other person would like from the conversation. The Human will consider
what both the other person and you would want.
Before you interact with someone, consider which mode you are
operating in, and if necessary, move into Human mode.
You could ask yourself, what do you want to gain from the conversation
and what will they gain?
Focus 2: Plans and making joint decisions

By reflecting on what we want to achieve, we can plan our actions
appropriately. The problem is that our Chimps will usually modify the
plans. The Chimp will only consider short-term outcomes or make sure that
there is instant gratification. Therefore, when we plan, we need to consider
how to manage our Chimps.
Exercise: Do I have clear outcomes with a plan that my Chimp will work
with?
When you plan your next task or venture, stop and think about how to get
your Chimp on board. In order to satisfy both, divide your plans into a
rational Human approach and an emotional Chimp approach.
Consider asking yourself these questions, which could help:

“What is my plan?”
“What is in my plan to help my Chimp?”
Focus 3: Don’t react; respond

Exercise: Learning to respond rather than react
Try spending a day responding to events and situations rather than reacting
to them. As soon as you recognise your Chimp is about to react, try using
the word ‘respond’, to stop the Chimp momentarily, enough for your
Human to take over.
Then, follow through with the NEAT principle and remind yourself that:
This is ‘Normal’ for a Chimp
You ought to ‘Expect’ the Chimp to do these things
You can ‘Accept’ the nature of your Chimp
You can look for a solution to ‘Take care of’ the situation
Finally, with this plan, you can bring perspective and a long-term
outlook
One way to establish the habit of responding is to count the number of
times daily that you change your reacting to responding.
Focus 4: Start from where you are and what

you have
Exercise: Large tasks addressed
If you have a challenge in the form of a large task, first decide on the final
outcome, then form smaller steps to complete the task. Keep your eyes only
on the smaller goals en route to competing the task. If you find your Chimp
looking to the end outcome and becoming despondent or overwhelmed,
refocus on the smaller goal. If the Chimp starts focussing on the final
outcome of a daunting task, this can cause procrastination. Procrastination
will be covered in detail later in the course.
Unit 4
Managing emotional reactions
STAGE 2: will focus on the Chimp system and how to optimise
working with it. We will begin the process of getting to know
your Chimp and how to understand it.
Unit 4: covers various ways to manage your Chimp, including a
three-step process.
Our Chimps typically react to a situation, emotionally or impulsively,

before our Humans have chance to think rationally. This Chimp reaction is
normal and healthy but frequently unhelpful. In this unit, we will be looking
at managing our emotions, thinking and behaviour, as the Chimp is
hijacking us.
A natural reaction: Exercising the

Chimp
Allowing the Chimp to express itself is the most natural way that most
people’s minds cope with difficult or stressful situations. They just release
whatever emotion they feel. The Chimp is too impatient to wait or listen.
Therefore, it struggles to pause, or be put on hold, and so has to be released
for its exercise. Exercising the Chimp means allowing it to express some
emotion. [80] [81] [82] [83] [84]
Impulsive expressing of emotion typically takes the Chimp a few
minutes. As far as the Chimp is concerned, having a scream is the solution!
[85] Allowing your emotions to be expressed constructively out aloud can be
helpful, as long as the Chimp doesn’t attack someone in the process, by
aiming the emotion at them. Often the Chimp might need to express the
same feelings more than once to settle down. However, the usual reason the
Chimp keeps expressing emotion is because there is no solution to a
problem it is facing. Emotion will keep on being expressed until the
problem is solved. [86] [87] [88]
How long will the Chimp need to express emotion?
Addressing concerns and fears:

Boxing the Chimp
Whatever problem you are facing, it is useful to make a list of the individual
points that are causing concern. When you have the list, you can then
address each concern individually. The solutions or answers to each concern
will then ‘box the Chimp’. Therefore, boxing the Chimp is about listening
to the concerns it has and then answering each concern with facts, truths or
solutions, so that the emotions can be managed or removed.
It is crucial that each answer to a concern must be accurate and
reassuring. You can place these truths into the Computer in your mind, for
use as a future reference by the Chimp. Otherwise, the Chimp will just keep
on returning to the same emotions at some point later and it will find no
reference when it looks into the Computer. Reminding yourself of truths,
until they register in the Computer as Autopilots, takes time.
The Computer storing truths
Grade A and Grade B hits: A word

about using truths to box the Chimp
As we covered in unit 1, Autopilots are helpful beliefs and behaviours.
However, although some beliefs might be true, they might not be that
helpful or have a real impact on the way we feel or behave.
The truths that really resonate with us and cause us to change our
behaviour, or our feelings, are the ‘grade A hits’; and those truths that might
be true but don’t help us, are called the ‘grade B hits’.
Grade A hit – A truth that resonates with you and helps
Grade B hit – A truth that doesn’t resonate with you and doesn’t help
The distinction is important because if we apply grade B hits to a situation,

they won’t help us. Whereas, when we apply a grade A hit, it will always
help.
Example: Terry and Sarah and the fear of flying
Both Terry and Sarah fear flying. In order to help them, a psychologist has
offered some truths:
Flying is the safest mode of transport
Some people spend their lives as aircrew, which shows how safe it is to
fly
Terry had feared the lack of control when being on an aircraft. For Terry, the
first truth truly resonates and he immediately feels better the more he thinks
about this. It makes sense to him because he does a lot of travelling by car
and doesn’t fear this, even though he doesn’t have control of other road
users.
Sarah also fears the lack of control on an aircraft but the first truth just
doesn’t help her. However, the second truth does help her. She reasons that
it can’t be that unsafe if countless people travel every second of every day
across the whole world and make a living by doing this.
For Terry, the first truth is a grade A hit. However, for Sarah, the first
truth is a grade B hit and the second truth is a grade A hit. It is only the
grade A hits that will box the Chimp.
Example: Lucy and the car accident
Lucy was driving to work and a car drove into the back of her vehicle.
Before Lucy’s Chimp could hijack her with any emotional reaction, she
stated some grade A hits that resonated with her. These were:
This will all get sorted out
I will get to work eventually Key Point
There is nothing I can do to As we are all unique, we
change things have to find our own grade
I have a choice in how I want to A hits, which stop our
deal with this situation: Human Chimp in its tracks and
or Chimp help to stabilise our mind.
I will be able to deal with any
consequences
I need to follow a procedure and hand over to my insurance company
It is critical that these truths resonate with Lucy otherwise the Chimp will
not remain in its box.
How to manage an emotional Chimp

with a three-step structured process
We can use a three-step process for situations where the Chimp won’t settle
down.
The three steps:

1. Exercise the Chimp
2. Box the Chimp
3. Form a plan
Managing the Chimp in three steps
We will now look at two examples of how to manage the Chimp with the
three-step process. The examples demonstrate common principles, which
you can apply to your own particular circumstances.
Example 1: The driving test
Jason is about to take his driving test. The test is in one week’s time and
Jason’s Chimp has become anxious and fears failing the test: all very natural
and reasonable for a Chimp.
Step 1: Exercise the Chimp
In processing this situation, Jason first lets out his fears and exercises his
Chimp.
He expresses all of his fears, which may include, for example:
I think I could fail the test
If I fail what will people think
I can’t face another test or take more driving lessons
Failing will confirm that I am stupid
I don’t feel ready
Failing means I have wasted my money on lessons
I am sure you can think of many more concerns or unsettling thoughts!
Step 2: Box the Chimp
By identifying and addressing each concern and fear, as they are expressed,
Jason can address each one individually with some facts and truths.
If Jason doesn’t uncover every fear that his Chimp has then he will find it
difficult to settle his Chimp. Each response must resonate with Jason and
put him at ease, otherwise his Chimp will continue to create a fuss. Here are
some suggested answers that might work for him.
I think I could fail the test

I have to agree with the Chimp because failing is always a possibility
I am an adult not a child and I can deal with any setback, including a
fail
I will stop guessing at the result and have plans ready to deal with any
outcome
The test only assesses my driving on one particular occasion, it might
not reflect the true picture
If I fail what will people think
I can’t change what people will think
It’s what I think that matters
Those who care about me, care about me regardless of what I can and
can’t do
I can’t face another test
If it means so much to me, then I need to do the test again
If I am not up to standard, then it would be wise for me not to pass
I am not the only person to have to repeat a driving test
Failing will confirm that I am stupid
Failing will only confirm that I have not reached a certain standard on
a certain day with a certain test
‘Stupid’ is a derogatory term and I don’t have to use this against
myself
Doing my best is all I can do
Passing or failing a driving test doesn’t define me
I have to accept any limitations that I might have
I am proud of myself for trying and for who I am
I don’t feel ready
It is likely that my Chimp will always feel that it is not ready
The Chimp within me is trying to help me by stopping me from taking
the test, in case I fail, but actually I want to take the test
The test will tell me if I am ready or not, but I can’t tell until I take the
test
Failing means I have wasted my money on lessons
I knew when I booked my lessons that failing the test was a possibility,
but I wanted to take that risk
I have learnt some driving skills and need to build on these
I have to invest in lessons, and continue to do so, until I pass
As you can see, the answers to the fears and beliefs must be individual.
None of us will have exactly the same answers. I am sure that you can come
up with alternative facts or truths that may settle Jason’s Chimp. The
important thing is to challenge your fears and come up with answers that
ring true for you.
When you have done this effectively, you can move into Human mode by
engaging a plan.
Step 3: Form a plan
In Human mode we work with a proactive plan to go forward.
Jason could include the following in his plan:

Jason can decide on what he wants his mind
to think about on the day of the test. It
would be unwise to set off for the test and
allow his Chimp to take over his mind and
allow it to decide on what he will think about.
Instead he could take the initiative, be
proactive, and tell his Chimp what he wants to
think about and focus on. For example, he is
going to focus on enjoying his day, regardless of what happens.
He could remind himself of the beliefs in his Computer. It is always
helpful to make sure the Computer is up and running with the
Autopilots ready to answer the Chimp, should it try to hijack Jason. On
the morning of the test, by going over the truths he has used to box the
Chimp earlier, the Computer will go into action quickly if it needs to
settle the Chimp.
He can prepare himself for life beyond the test. He can do this by
considering both of the possible outcomes; passing and failing; he can
then be prepared for either outcome.
A comment about ‘failures’: It is surprising how many people have
told me about big disappointments in their life that caused them to take
a different pathway. This pathway turned out to be better than their
original plan and also gave them opportunities to discover something
about themselves. ‘Failures’ can mean opportunities.
Making the most of every day. Jason might choose to make the day a
happy one because there is no reason why it shouldn’t be and there are
always learning points.
It does take time and effort to manage your mind by analysing your
problems and finding solutions, but if you really want to acquire emotional
skills then you have to do the work! [89] [90]
Example 2: Mary and the executives
Mary, who is an executive coach, has been helping to coach a team of four
senior members of staff in a company. She has worked with each one to
reflect on where they are at and has developed a plan with them. Three of
the executives paid lip service to the exercise, and didn’t do any work on
themselves, offering lots of excuses. One executive worked well and fed
back that she’d had significant improvement to her working practice.
The Chief Executive Officer (CEO or the boss!) of the company calls Mary
into his office and tells her that the work she has been doing has had no
effects and the executive group seem to be worse than when she first started
with them. When Mary tries to discuss this with the CEO he refuses to
discuss it and tells her that the contract will cease with immediate effect and
asks her to leave.
This extreme example shows three common themes that occur in many
scenarios:
1. Unreasonable behaviour from a line manager: there is unreasonable
behaviour from the CEO in refusing to discuss or give any explanation
to Mary.
2. Undeserved blame: there is evidence that Mary has done a great job
with her plans, but the results are poor because three of the executives
didn’t act on the plans. Therefore, Mary has been blamed for
something that she could not control.
3. An injustice has occurred: Mary is left feeling frustrated that she has
been wronged and feels she can do nothing about it.
There might be many other themes in this scenario that you can think of and
endless interpretations as to exactly what happened. The result is that
Mary’s Chimp is very likely to react and express emotion. This could range
from anger to despondency. The Chimp’s thinking could also range from
thoughts of indignant hostility to self-reprisal or a crisis of confidence. This
is because the Chimp has reacted to what it sees as a threat to its reputation
and also a severe injustice, both of which have some foundation. From our
perspective, the actual reactions or emotions are not too important. We are
looking at the method of dealing with them.
Step 1: Exercise the Chimp
First we allow the Chimp to vent its feelings. This can be done alone or with
a friend or colleague, as long as they know that this is just the Chimp
exercising and therefore not to interact with it. It’s important that Mary
allows her Chimp to keep on going until the emotions begin to subside. By
expressing her thoughts out loud and listening to them herself, Mary will
better manage them. It is helpful NOT to try and give answers or solutions
to your feelings at this point. It also helps if the person you chose to share
your emotions with also knows that you are just letting off steam and that
they don’t try to engage with your thoughts at this point. Sometimes, when
you have expressed your thoughts or emotions, just listening to them
yourself will help to process them. If you prevent your Chimp from
expressing its emotions, then there is a strong possibility that it won’t allow
you to move forward or to listen to what is being said. So, getting things off
your chest is one of the most helpful things that you can do to move
forward. [80] [81] [82] [83] [84] [86] [87] [88]
Step 2: Box the Chimp
Let’s assume that the statements that follow are Mary’s Chimp’s reactions
and concerns in this situation (and possibly her Human might agree):
I am angry with the CEO because he didn’t
listen to me and as a CEO he should listen to
me
I have been judged on something that is not
my fault and something that I could not control
My reputation is damaged because of three
executives
I have lost some confidence in my own
abilities because I should have made sure that
the executives engaged
There are so many other ways that somebody’s Chimp could react in this
situation. If we can clarify all of the grievances or reactions, we can then
address them individually.
We will look at some possible examples of how Mary’s Human could
address her particular concerns. Please note that they involve her Human
reinterpreting how her Chimp has perceived the situation and also
establishing some truths of life.
The CEO was unreasonable but that is his prerogative. He might have
had a bad day, he might be firing some arrows for someone else, or he
might just be unpleasant. Whatever his reasoning, I have to accept that
this is the way he chose to work on that day.
Being judged on something I can’t control or taking the hit for
someone else is never easy emotionally (but it will almost certainly
happen to all of us at some point). I can either accept this or I can try to
correct it in some way.
I have to work out a plan that will allow my Chimp to settle and put
closure on the situation and only I know what will work for me.
Sadly, it is true that others can ruin my reputation. What I can do is to
remain true to my own integrity. At the end of the day, when I look in
the mirror, it is only me that will stare back and not others. Therefore,
if I can live with my own conscience, I will be in a strong place.
Having friends to reinforce this, can also help me immensely but I do
need to let them know if I want their help.
Reputations are rarely destroyed because of the comments of others.
Most people can see what could be happening and make their own
minds up about someone.
My Chimp is suggesting that I might not be up to standard. It is only
natural for my Chimp to lose confidence because virtually all Chimps
are over critical of themselves, if they are asked to assess how they are
doing.
Step 3: Form a plan

Having expressed emotion and answered concerns, we now need to move
forward with a constructive plan.
Mary’s plan could include some of the following:

Either, just let it go and accept that unpleasant interactions are part of
life or write to the CEO and explain the situation and ask if he would
like to meet again to discuss things.
Write to the CEO with feedback only and not request a discussion.
Explain that for future work to be effective it does need engagement
from the participants and that only one did engage meaningfully. This
might get this aspect of her grievance off her chest.
Address the Chimp’s fears that she has failed. By looking at the times
that she has succeeded, and not to selectively look at the times she
possibly hasn’t, it might bring self-esteem back to the Chimp.
Use the experience as a learning point and see what lessons can be
learnt from this. If Mary really did think that she could have been
better at ensuring the executives engaged, then this could be seen as a
learning point rather than a failure.
None of us succeeds all of the time.
It is unrealistic to think that we can. Key Point
Setbacks and failures can
Our Chimps don’t think ahead and
always be seen as
consider long-term consequences,
opportunities to learn
therefore, each plan needs to be
from.
thought through and the possible
outcomes considered. There is little
point in having a plan that could make matters worse. [91] [92] [93]
Five important points to consider

when addressing concerns
1. Express all concerns
2. Choose your listener carefully
3. Only cross real bridges
4. Exercise the Chimp before trying to listen
5. Seek help
Point 1: Express all concerns

Express all concerns, no matter how irrational or catastrophic they might
seem to be. When we speak our thoughts and concerns out aloud, the
Human part of our mind listens and starts bringing perspective into the
situation. Therefore, it is worth expressing any and all fears. Hidden fears,
no matter how silly they might seem to be, can keep unsettling us in our
unconscious minds because they have not been expressed and addressed.
The talking therapies

- Scientific points
When the emotional centres of the brain express our feelings by putting them outside of our
mind, the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC) can then assess them and begin to
process these emotions by bringing in logic and rationality. The DLPFC is the executive
centre of the brain and will organise our thoughts, draw rational conclusions and add
perspective. Talking things through by expressing them into the air is the basis for all of the
talking therapies. This works by getting things out of our head and give words to describe
our emotions. Once we can describe our emotions, we can then work with this to make
sense of our feelings. In our model, the Chimp expresses feelings, the Human listens and
adds perspective and logic, and the Computer then stores beliefs. [94] [95] [96] [46] [97] [98]
[99]
Point 2: Choose your listener carefully

Some words of caution: If you are
going to express any concerns, be Key Point
careful whom you express them to.
By not making
Often a partner or parent might not
assumptions and
be the right person, if they can’t
predictions and by going
handle your fears or concerns. Just
make sure it is someone who will with the flow, we can
take things in their stride and is able manage each challenge,
to remain detached whilst they listen. as it presents itself.
This is why working with an
independent person can help.
Point 3: Only cross real bridges
After expressing concerns, don’t address those concerns that are not real but
are based on assumptions or predictions.
Point 4: Exercise the Chimp before trying to listen

Please remember to make sure that your Chimp has
exercised enough, in order for it to be able to listen. We
have to get things off our chest before we can listen well.
Point 5: Seek help

If you still feel you have no answers, then consider turning to someone else
for help or advice because they might have the knowledge or experience
that you don’t have. It’s great to be independent but struggling
unnecessarily can create avoidable suffering.
A summary of the five points
Managing the Chimp with a pause

button
In unit 2 we looked at the use of the Computer to manage
the Chimp by using a pause button. We did this by
programming the Computer to always immediately ask,
“What’s the plan?” whenever the Chimp begins to stress.
Some people use the phrase “take a deep breath” whenever
their emotions stir. It could be very helpful to have your
own phrase to activate that will give you a moment to pause before the
Chimp reacts.
How to manage the Chimp by giving it bananas
So far, we have looked at managing the Chimp by:
Exercising it - allowing it expression
Boxing it - settling it down by offering truths and answers to its
concerns
Forming a plan of action
Using a pause button
There is an alternative way that can settle our Chimps
down. This way doesn’t offer solutions but calms the
Chimp. We can offer the Chimp a banana!
Rewarding ourselves for doing something well or
praising our efforts, even when we have not managed to achieve what we
want to achieve, can settle the Chimp down.
Distraction is another method to remove the Chimp from being
preoccupied with something that it distressing it, in the hope that with time
the distress factor will naturally go away.
Managing the Chimp in a child

- Scientific points
Research shows that distraction is the best method for managing a very young child if they
become distressed. Discussing and reassuring might help but distraction is far better. Our
minds are built to follow a distraction, not to remain focussed. This is an obvious survival
mechanism, which allows us to be vigilant in case danger suddenly appears.
The Chimp within the child will readily move on and quickly forget what was distressing it, if
we distract them. As adults, our Chimps still operate by looking to distractions! Therefore,
they can be a useful technique to give relief from unwelcome thoughts. [97] [98] [99]
Therefore, two different types of banana can be used to manage a Chimp:

Reward
Distraction
Example: Byron and the interview

Byron lost his job through redundancy. He has now attended several
interviews. While he is waiting to be interviewed his Chimp becomes
anxious and hijacks him. By the time he enters the interview room, he has
become almost paralysed with fear and underperformed each time.
Byron has tried to box his Chimp; he has tried to go into Computer mode;
he has tried to remain in Human mode; but nothing seems to work. He has a
lot of insight into what is happening but he feels powerless to stop it.
He now tries the banana of distraction! First, Byron sets out in his mind
the points that he hopes he will be able to get across during the interview.
Once he has these few points established, he now sits in the waiting area
and distracts himself by listening to some music. He knows that if he can
distract himself, while he waits, then he can enter the room in a better frame
of mind. Following the interview, he might also want to add a banana of
reward, for his interview efforts, with a stop at his favourite coffee shop.
Unit 4
Reminders
The key points of the three-step structured approach:
1. Exercise - Allow your emotions to be expressed until the Chimp
is exhausted
2. Box - Identify the concerns that have evoked the emotion in you,
along with any fears or interpretations of the situation. Then
address each concern with logic, rational thinking and truths that
resonate with you
3. Plan - Formulate a plan that addresses each concern
Grade A hits are truths that resonate and change our thinking and
behaviour
Grade B hits are truths that have little effect on us
Having a pause button can give your Human chance to act
Giving bananas of rewards or distractions is often a useful quick fix to
help manage the Chimp.
Unit 4
Exercises
1. Boxing the Chimp – Grade A and B hits
2. Giving the Chimp bananas
Focus 1: Boxing the Chimp – Grade A and B

hits
Exercise: Boxing the Chimp
Try to think of a situation that occurs regularly in your life
that usually results in a Chimp hijack. For example, a
person who always seems to say the wrong thing that winds
your Chimp up or an unhelpful habit that you are trying to
break but keep repeating, and this winds your Chimp up.
Work out the grade A hits that could stop your Chimp
and box it. Imagine the situation occurring and practice using these truths.
By repeating this exercise, you are programming your Computer to respond
with the grade A hits, when the situation occurs for real.
Please remember that the truths you select to settle your Chimp must
truly resonate with you and be grade A hits. They must not be simple truths
that don’t really resonate or do anything to settle your Chimp.
Focus 2: Giving the Chimp bananas

Exercise: Giving a banana
Dennis is an artist and painted some pictures. He has
submitted them to a gallery for display and it would mean a
lot to him if he were to be successful. He has been told he
will hear in the next few days but his Chimp is stressing
about it.
What distraction techniques could you suggest to Dennis
in this scenario? Try to work some out before looking at the answer.
Answer
Obviously there could be an endless number of ways for Dennis to distract
himself. The important point is that whatever he chooses will work for him.
He could try:
Starting another painting, which would help whether his current work
is accepted or not
Making a list of things he has wanted to get done for a while and try
and complete them
Using the time to plan his future in more detail
Getting out of the house and socialise with friends
The important point about distractions is making the effort to work out what
will work for you.
Unit 5
Your mind in harmony
(The Chimp as a best friend)
Unit 5: covers how to understand and accept the nature of your
Chimp. We will look at how to recognise, accept and manage
both negative and positive aspects of your Chimp. By the end of
the unit, your Chimp will hopefully be your best friend!
How to understand and accept the

nature of your Chimp
An exercise: Pause for a moment and think of three characteristics of your
Chimp that you regularly see being displayed in your day-to-day life. When
you have the three characteristics, read on.
If you do this exercise spontaneously, or even try to describe your own
Chimp, it’s very likely that you will give three negative characteristics. [100]
[101] Such as:
It is too quick to jump to conclusions

It worries and creates catastrophes out of nothing
It reacts before it thinks
There is no disputing that at times our Chimps can cause untold havoc to us
and to others in our lives! However, if we keep seeing our Chimp with its
emotions and agendas as a potential trouble, or even weakness, then it’s not
surprising that we don’t have a good working relationship with it. The
Chimp system can bring immense colour and enrichment to our lives. It can
also be a major part of the basis for our success in life. [102] We need to
appreciate this if we are going to have a good working relationship with it.
If you were describing your friend, you wouldn’t just describe their
negative aspects; you would give a balanced picture. For example, you
might say that your friend can make errors. How do we get over errors that
our friends make? We accept them for who they are and as they are and, if
we can, we help them to overcome mistakes or weaknesses.
Acceptance of your Chimp, as it is, is critical if you are going to befriend
it. If you do have a mainly negative view of your Chimp, it will not help
your relationship with it. The aim of this unit is to reflect on the relationship
that you have with your Chimp. It will help you to see your Chimp as your
best friend and a power to harness in your life, by highlighting its positive
aspects. [103]
Reflect on whether you are accepting the nature of your Chimp or
fighting against it. Please remember the nature is genetically determined
from birth. Only by accepting the nature can you begin to work with it. Try
to see situations from your Chimp’s point of view.
Common negative features of the Chimp
Example: Duncan and the workload
Duncan works on a switchboard and appreciates and accepts that the
workload is heavy and relentless. Although Duncan understands this, his
Chimp still overreacts whenever calls begin to stack up. In the past, Duncan
has been disappointed with himself for becoming agitated and angry at the
situation. Once he recognises that this agitation and anger is coming from
his Chimp, and accepts the nature of his Chimp, he will see that his Chimp
is acting in Duncan’s best interests. What his Chimp is telling him is that the
situation is untenable and needs a change in beliefs, approach or workload.
It is now up to Duncan to act, and help his Chimp, by looking at his beliefs
and also the situation in general. The nature of the Chimp must first be
accepted and then its message understood.
The first step in managing our Chimp is to accept it, as it is. The Chimp
is your best friend and is always trying to help you. It might not seem this
way, but it actually is. Sadly, although it might be your best friend, it often
appears to be a very inept best friend. It tends to overreact and become
emotional. This doesn’t mean it isn’t trying to help.
So how do we get the more constructive side of our Chimp to appear?
Almost paradoxically, after what I have just said, it helps to first look at, and
address, the negative aspects of our Chimp, and then to move on to the
positive aspects. The reason for this is that until we accept the nature of the
Chimp, we might always be puzzled by it and critical of it. This means we
might be constantly asking why it keeps on repeating destructive
behaviours, producing negative feelings or generating unhelpful thoughts
that we don’t want.
How to accept and manage the negative aspects of your Chimp
To understand the nature of your unique Chimp, try writing down some of
your Chimp’s unhelpful ways of working that you are going to have to learn
to live with and accept. This doesn’t mean that you have to put up with
them! We can learn how we can reduce the likelihood of them appearing
and how to manage them if they do appear. What we are considering is the
nature of the machine that we have inherited in our genes and what we have
to accept before we can start working with it. [104] Acceptance is
recognising that something can’t be changed so must be worked with or
managed.
I will describe some typical traits

and characteristics that are very Key Point
common in many Chimps. You
Some in-built traits in our
might not relate to some, but if you Chimps are normal and
can relate to them, try not to see
healthy but unhelpful.
these traits as a problem. If you do
experience them, then it just means
that you have a very healthy Chimp. You will have to live with these traits,
but again I emphasise that you don’t have to put up with your Chimp
demonstrating them. When going through these examples, pause and see if
you can recognise when they have occurred in your own experience.
Overreaction
Our Chimps are blind to the real world and only see a jungle. For
example, Chimps initially see all sticks as snakes, until proved otherwise,
and they therefore typically overreact, [105] [106] which in jungle terms
would be appropriate. If the Chimp in a jungle decided to take a risk by
assuming that the stick is not a snake, but got it wrong, then it might die
from the snake attack. Therefore, the Chimp brain is built to fear and not to
take risks. [48] [106] [107] In order to make sure it does this, it is programmed
to ‘overreact’. The Chimp brain works a lot with fear and has no way of
countering it, other than reacting to it, and this it will do with gusto! It is our
adult Human brain that can calm things down, usually by adding
perspective or facts. [108] [109] Young children have no significant brain
mechanism to deal with fear. [31] It is an adult that needs to reassure them, to
counter their fears and prevent any inappropriate overreaction.
Insecurity is forever
Our Chimps by nature are insecure. By providing as much security as
possible, we can limit this feeling. Putting in place such things as routines
and having friends gives our Chimp a feeling of security. [110] [111] However,
some things we can’t be certain of, such as our health, and therefore we
have to learn to manage any feelings of insecurity.
Our insecurity is based on our position in the food chain. We are not at
the top of the food chain and can be preyed on, so it seems wise to be
constantly vigilant. We are meant to be like this otherwise we wouldn’t
survive. Our Chimps perform this vigilance for us. [105] [106] However, this
vigilance is rarely appropriate in modern society. Feelings of insecurity in
any new setting or in any challenging situation are therefore normal and
need accepting before we can manage them and hopefully remove them.
Our Chimps are always needy

Most Chimps crave companionship in its various forms. To deny this or
to have the ‘wrong’ companionship has emotional consequences. [112]
Similarly, the need for reassurance is perpetual in most Chimps. If your
Chimp needs it, the simple answer is to ask for it. When you receive
reassurance, the Chimp is likely to give out positive and pleasant emotions.
Don’t allow yourself to live with uncertainty when it isn’t necessary. If you
need to be reassured in any situation, for example about your value, whether
you’re doing a good job or whether you are loved, then simply ask. If the
answer is not what you want, then at least you can deal with this fact, rather
than leave yourself guessing.
Recognising this need in others

around you can help if you are Key Point
prepared to reassure them on a
Most Chimps need to be
regular basis. For Chimps, it is only reassured repeatedly.
what is happening in the here and
now that counts. Therefore,
yesterday’s reassurances are unlikely to be valid in its eyes. You might get
quite frustrated if you think that constant reassurance is unnatural. Again,
understanding and accepting that we all need regular reassurances in various
areas of our lives will help us to appreciate that this is normal and also
necessary. Clearly, if someone’s Chimp needs constant excessive
reassurance then this could be a problem to address.
Our Chimps rarely learn
Chimps can be trained. They also change their drives and needs with age.
However, they rarely learn from a situation, therefore, don’t expect them to.
It’s you, the Human, that learns and can put plans into the Computer to
manage similar situations. [33] [34] It’s not surprising that our Chimps can
hijack us at any age with the same behaviours or feelings. I have had several
people that I have worked with becoming dismayed because their Chimps
repeat similar behaviours despite the person really making the effort to
manage their Chimp. The usual comment I receive is “I haven’t learnt
anything!” It’s important for them to appreciate that the Chimp hasn’t learnt
anything, but they have. There will always be moments when the Chimp
escapes and repeats unwelcome behaviours. This is part of a healthy
machine. This point is so important to accept. Otherwise, the person who is
subjected to a Chimp hijack might go on to criticise themself and perceive
themself as being stupid or out of control. This easily leads to low self-
esteem and frustration. I frequently stop and ask them if these behaviours,
emotions or thinking from the Chimp are normal – the answer is always
yes!
We have mentioned previously that

there is nothing that your Chimp can Key Point
do that isn’t normal for a Chimp to
Any behaviour or thinking
do. That doesn’t mean any behaviour
is normal for a Chimp!
or expression of emotion is
acceptable! It also doesn’t mean that
you are not fully accountable for your Chimp’s actions. Hopefully these
points that are being made will prevent anyone from beating themselves up
when they suffer a Chimp hijack.
Our Chimps overeat
One of the most distressing misuses of the eating drive is when our
Chimp overeats.
As our knowledge of eating behaviours increases, we are more aware of
just how powerful the drive to eat is. Clearly, it needs to be a very strong
drive, or we wouldn’t survive. It is coupled with a release of some
hormones that bring pleasure and other hormones that make us feel more
secure. This paradoxically doesn’t help when we live in a society with an
abundance of food. This is because we might use eating to gain security and
comfort, or use the eating drive as our main source of pleasure. [113] [114]
Learning to manage the eating drive is a struggle and only you can find
what works for you.
You should not feel guilty about

having in-built drives, but you might Key Point
experience disappointment if you fail
It can be hard to
to manage a drive, which is your
appreciate the subtlety
responsibility.
between being
Whichever way you look at it, the
responsible for managing
eating drive is here to stay and
the drive and NOT being
accepting it is the first step to
responsible for having the
managing it.
drive.
Helpful at all times

I have described some potentially negative traits of typical Chimps, but it is
worth remembering that the Chimp is always trying to help us. It is not
trying to be an enemy. It just operates with a different agenda and with
different methods.
Think about that key point. It is a

real revelation to appreciate that Key Point
your mind is always trying to help The Chimp is trying to
you. If you understand this, then you help us at all times.
can work with your Chimp and not
become distressed by it. The Chimp is always trying to be your best friend
and ally.
The problem is that what the Chimp wants and the way that it wants to solve
things aren’t always what we want or agree with. This doesn’t make the
Chimp wrong. It is acting according to its nature. Battling with the Chimp
isn’t helpful; understanding it and working with it is constructive. It is worth
reviewing how you see your Chimp and what you feel it can do for you.
There is a true adage that: we see what we want to see and we find what we
look for. If you always look for the bad points in your Chimp then it is very
unlikely that you will have your Chimp as a friend.
How to recognise the positive aspects

of your Chimp
So what are the good points?
Having accepted that the Chimp has traits we need to live with and learn to
manage, what are its worthy points? The Chimp has a lot to offer and here
are some of the good points:
Common positive features of the Chimp
Streetwise
What we mean by streetwise is the
ability to perceive what is happening
around us, particularly any
undercurrents, and to respond
appropriately. Intuition is a major
part of this. Decision-making with
the Chimp’s intuition can sometimes
be better than logic because logic
might lack facts or interpret the facts
in a faulty way. [15] [74] [75] [31]
Streetwise
- Scientific points
The Iowa gambling experiment demonstrated the ability of the Chimp to be more streetwise
than the Human. The experiment tested people’s ability to detect some deceit. Subjects
were asked to gamble by choosing one of four possible options. They were told that the four
options would all randomly move their money up or down. In reality this wasn’t true. Two of
the options gave large rewards, but with repeat betting, would take their money down. The
other two options gave small rewards, but with repeat betting, would take their money up.
The DLPFC (Human) could verbally tell the experimenters what they thought was
happening. The OFC (Chimp) is connected to our sympathetic nervous system. Therefore, if
the Chimp detected something it would cause us to sweat a little on our hands. A galvanic
skin responder was attached to a finger of the subjects, as they gambled, in order to detect
any Chimp uneasiness.
After ten bets, the OFC (Chimp) caused sweating to occur if the two money-losing options
were selected. The Chimp had worked it out. It then made the person move to select the
two moneymaking options. When people were asked why they were avoiding the two
money-losing options and selecting the two money-gaining options, they were not aware of
this. Their DLPFC (Human) had not worked it out but the OFC (Chimp) had.
It took around fifty bets before the DLPFC realised that the options were biased.
Our Chimps are streetwise and speak to us with that uneasy voice from within when there
is something not quite right! [47] [115]
Perfectionism
It is common for someone to
complain of being a perfectionist and Key Point
this can result in them being
Perfectionism from the
unforgiving towards themselves or Chimp is a great drive to
others.
have, provided when we
It‘s worth explaining why
reach an outcome, we can
perfectionism is a very helpful trait
switch to the Human
for your Chimp to have!
system and rationally
Problems only arise if we accept the reality that we
approach perfectionism via the
rarely achieve perfect
Chimp and not add on the Human
results.
input. Here is the difference:
The Chimp demands and
expects perfection, even with uncontrollables
The Human aims and hopes for perfection but accepts the reality that
many things can’t be controlled and we don’t always achieve our full
potential. [116]
Example: Zak’s geography test
Zak wants to get 100 per cent on his geography test. Zak’s Human and
Chimp both agree that this would be perfection.
The Chimp’s approach is to demand that Zak obtains 100 per cent. It
believes that no matter what happens, if he tries hard enough, he will get
100 per cent. The Chimp cannot accept any errors or lack of knowledge on
his part. It also cannot accept that the person who marks the script might not
think Zak deserves full marks on every question. This might be a great
motivational approach by the Chimp, but it sets the scene for possible
emotional turmoil. There is an alternative!
The alternative is the Human approach. The Human is as driven as the
Chimp in wanting to achieve perfection. However, the Human focuses on
what it can control. Therefore, Zak’s Human plans a study programme,
plenty of revision and has a realistic mindset on the day of the test. All of
these are achievable and under his control. He is committed to these plans
and accepts that if he has done all that he can then he can accept the
outcome, whether it is satisfactory or disappointing. If the drive for
perfection from the Chimp is coupled with the reality of the Human, then
Zak will be in a great place to get the best out of himself.
Example: Betty and the 100 metres training sessions
Betty is a very keen athlete. Both her Human and Chimp want the perfect
training session every time she goes to the track. The Chimp is driven and
determined to excel and will give everything towards achieving perfect
training times. If Betty stays in Chimp mode during the session, she will
harness the energy and enthusiasm of the Chimp, which is great. The
Chimp’s drive for perfection is helpful at this point.
If Betty stays in Chimp mode during the session, but changes to Human
mode as it ends, she could achieve the best of all worlds. In Human mode at
the end of the session, her Human can accept that Betty has done all that she
can and will not become upset if perfection has not been achieved. In this
example, we can see how the Chimp’s drive for perfection is very helpful,
provided we move into Human mode to manage the outcome.
Often the Human and Chimp want to achieve similar things
Example: Tommy and the sales

Tommy is a businessperson who has a product to sell. He dreams of making
huge profits from sales by converting every sales pitch into a successful
sale. To achieve this, he works on some goals that will help to ensure each
sales pitch will be successful:
List the key points of the product
Present the product well
Prepare a timetable for reaching as many buyers as possible
Set the right price
So far so good!
Here is the potential problem: Tommy’s Chimp wants to set some
uncontrollables as its goals. Tommy’s Chimp adds the following to his list
of goals:
High uptake of product
Customers being satisfied
Customers agreeable to recommending the product
Chimp and Human goals are different
The problem is that this is a list of

uncontrollables. To set these as goals Key Point
is very risky because trying to
If we are assessed on an
achieve them is outside of Tommy’s
outcome that we cannot
control. Tommy’s Chimp has
control, then the usual
muddled up a dream with a goal.
result is stress.
These are dreams because they are
hoped for, but not under Tommy’s
control. If Tommy now rates himself on how he is doing with these
uncontrollables, it could lead to a very negative state. He might experience
stress, low self-esteem and feelings of failure. [117]
Example: Venus and the children’s party
Venus was organising a birthday party for her six-year-old son. She had
planned the food and the games, and sent out the invitations. She was
looking forward to the party but then her Chimp began to focus on the
uncontrollables. Her Chimp focussed on whether the food was right,
whether she had invited the ‘right’ people, whether the games would be
entertaining enough and focused on just about anything that it couldn’t
control or guarantee.
What could Venus have focussed on? The things she could control are
mainly inside her head! For example, she does have a choice on where she
puts her focus and she does have a choice on how she will manage her
Chimp. There are also many practical things she could focus on, such as
making sure the food is ready, getting the games prepared and giving people
a warm welcome. Effectively she could switch to Human mode.
Example: Doug and the new girlfriend
Doug believes he has fallen in love and feels sure that this is the right
person for him. However, as is often the case, there are complications.
Rhonda, the girl he has fallen for, is very keen on Doug but lets him know
that she is bisexual and is also very keen on another girl. She cannot decide
which is the right relationship for her. Doug’s Chimp is pushing Rhonda for
answers and is becoming more desperate to control the situation. Clearly
none of us can control somebody else’s feelings or who they are attracted to.
To focus on trying to make someone love us is futile. What we can do is to
focus on relaxing and just being ourselves. In situations like this, painful as
they might be, all we can manage is our own behaviour and thinking.
Managing our Chimp is the focus. This way we can present ourselves, as we
are, giving the relationship the best chance of working out. What if it
doesn’t?
It is always worth thinking beyond any situation to see what would
happen if things didn’t go as we want them to. Often our Chimps worry
about possible unwanted outcomes; that is their role! They focus on the
problem until, you the Human, come up with a solution. The solution could
be, to recognise that no matter what happens, life will go on and although
there might be a period of grief, we do come to terms with setbacks and
losses.
Harnessing the enthusiasm, energy

and power of the Chimp
We can safely harness the power and Our combined strengths can
energy of a perfectionist Chimp if forge a great team
we add perspective and realism from
our Human and look to
controllables. This is a very
important concept in teamwork for
business and leaders. If the leader
puts demands on the team members
to deliver something that is outside
of their control then it is extremely
likely that the team will suffer stress.
[118] What we can expect from others
is that they give their best (and this
means maximum effort) and keep on
trying to improve. Clearly, if someone can’t reach a standard then there
must inevitably be consequences, which may be unpleasant, but they don’t
have to be punitive.
One of the paradoxes of the Chimp

is its ability to cause fear, yet also to Key Point
overcome it. In times of distress or
Perfectionism can be very
pressure, that might even be brought
helpful if it is connected to
on by the Chimp itself, we can call
perspective and reality.
on the Chimp for help! When people
I have worked with in various
situations use this approach, they have reported back how strange it is that
their Chimp has suddenly come to their rescue with energy and enthusiasm.
[119] [120] [121]
Example: Demarcus and the 400 metres

Demarcus runs the 400 metres. With a hundred metres to go, his Chimp
would become fearful that it would not be able to finish and wouldn’t
respond to reassurances. However, if at that point he had called on his
Chimp for help, his Chimp would very likely have come to his rescue with
renewed energy and determination. This is because the Chimp is a troop
animal and will naturally overcome its fear to help a troop member. The
next time that Demarcus ran 400 metres, to his surprise, his Chimp
overcame its fear and fought for him.
It might not work for everyone;
but try to call on your Chimp for
help the next time you feel
overwhelmed.
Under pressure, paradoxically,

the Chimp can step up if you
ask it to.
Unit 5
Reminders
Some in-built traits of our Chimps are normal and healthy, but
unhelpful
Acceptance of the nature of your Chimp is a must, in order to work
with it
Any behaviour or thinking is normal for a Chimp
You are not responsible for the nature of your Chimp, but you are
responsible for managing it
The Chimp is trying to help us at all times
Perfectionism is a good Chimp feature, provided it is connected to
perspective and reality
Unit 5
Exercises
1. The Chimp becoming your best friend
2. Focus on controllables
Focus 1: The Chimp becoming your best

friend
This reflective exercise is building on the unit 1 reflective exercise about
understanding the nature of your Chimp. This time the exercise is not only
about being realistic and accepting that our minds are pre-programmed but
that the Chimp is our best friend.
Exercise: The Chimp as a best friend
Try and list the drives and traits of your Chimp that you need to accept and
work with. Try imagining being your Chimp and experiencing the terrifying
world that it lives in. Imagine not having a Human or Computer to befriend
you and help you to see rationality and perspective! In this reflective
exercise, you are trying to see your Chimp as a best friend, who needs
support and understanding, rather than an enemy who is against you.
Focus 2: Focus on controllables

A practical exercise is to recognise how our Chimps focus on many
uncontrollables. The Chimp demands guarantees in life. Whenever the
Chimp cannot guarantee that something will happen, it is likely to become
unsettled and worried. Therefore, by helping the Chimp to accept the
uncontrollables and to focus on what can be controlled, we are much more
likely to succeed in what we want to do.
Exercise: The controllables
As an exercise, see if you can recognise an area in your life where your
Chimp is stressing about something that it cannot possibly control. Try to
establish what can be controlled. Then, try to go beyond the difficulty, and
work out what the consequences are if things don’t go according to plan and
how you will manage the consequences.
Unit 6
How to nurture your Chimp
Unit 6: will look at how to nurture your Chimp by befriending,
supporting and encouraging it. We will also consider the
advantages of using commitment as opposed to motivation for
getting things done.
Befriending your Chimp by supporting

it with your Computer
We have looked at how to manage the Chimp using the Computer. We can
pre-empt the kind of things that might distress the Chimp and be prepared
for them. This is a good way to befriend your Chimp. Here are two
examples of how this works in practice and how we can help the Chimp to
be less reactive by using the Computer.
Example: Corey and the comment
Corey works in a factory assembling washing machines. His line manager
commented that Corey could be slowing down his assembly line, which was
underperforming.
Corey’s Chimp immediately reacted and tried to defend itself. If Corey
could stop his Chimp from speaking, he would be able to approach this
situation via his Human. In which case, he would first establish exactly
what the line manager meant by his comment. Corey would feel
uncomfortable if the line manager continues and says, “You’re a great
worker but you don’t have the right equipment that others do have”.
On the other hand, the line manager might be saying that Corey really
isn’t up to the job and Corey has to face that. Even in this situation, his
Human would probably want to consider how he could improve his skills or
might accept that the job is not for him. Whatever the comment meant,
Corey’s Chimp is left vulnerable because it does not have the Computer
supporting it when a criticism occurs. To befriend his Chimp he can
programme his Computer, for example, with the following beliefs:
Take a deep breath and think before you speak
Whenever a criticism comes, stop and clarify why it was made – gather
the facts!
Criticisms are often said hastily, then regretted and later reversed
Listen to a criticism and see if there is some truth in it – don’t defend
the indefensible
Criticism is only one person’s opinion – it’s not necessarily a fact
Defence from the Chimp can be detrimental
Example: Janice and decision-making

Janice regularly puts herself down because she feels she can’t make
decisions without becoming stressed. Janice appreciates that her Chimp is
doing this but sees it as a negative aspect of her Chimp.
We can turn her impression on its head. The Chimp is actually trying to
help and has become distressed because Janice is not understanding it and
working with it. The Chimp is primed to protect us and make sure we are
safe. It is still operating with a jungle outlook and to make a poor decision
in the jungle could cost the Chimp its life. Therefore, any decision, no
matter how trivial, will challenge many Chimps. Whenever the Chimp
worries about making a decision, it is actually helping us. It is saying please
pause, think about gathering any facts before deciding and also think about
the consequences. This is always helpful. The role of the Human is to gather
the facts and make a decision. [31] The Human also accepts that with any
decision, there is a possibility that it might not turn out to be the best, but it
can be lived with. The Chimp will always believe that it cannot live with a
‘wrong’ decision.
How do we turn the Chimp’s worry and indecisiveness into a helpful
situation? Here are some suggestions:
First acknowledge that the Chimp is helping by asking our Human to
take over
Therefore, pause, go into Human mode and gather the facts
Gain some perspective and let the Chimp know that most decisions are
not critical
Look ahead to possible consequences and outcomes from your choice
of decisions
Accept that any decision is a risk, BUT an adult Human can manage
any outcome or consequence of the decision
Remind the Chimp that not making a decision can be very stressful
Make the decision and praise yourself for doing it
To be decisive when making decisions is a both an art and a habit.
Planning links to pleasure

Happy Chimps are easier to manage! It’s stating the obvious, but looking
after your emotional needs has to be given time and effort. One way to plan
in pleasure is to sweeten any unpleasant tasks with a reward for when you
complete them. Chimps usually like to work for rewards. Sweeteners can
also be linked to activities. For example, some people find that listening to
music whilst working or drinking coffee whilst in a long meeting helps to
make the activity more pleasant.
Unpleasant tasks can be sweetened with rewards
Example: Bill and the gym

Bill runs a gym but membership has been declining. He understands that
people want to become fit, but their Chimps feel the effort needed to do this
is just too difficult to face each week. He decides to sweeten the gym
workout by finding individual sweeteners for each member.
His solutions include:

Treadmills with a screen showing short movies or educational
programmes to fit with the time needed on the treadmill
Time challenges or weightlifting challenges for those who enjoy trying
to beat records or set personal bests
A feedback group following the sessions for those who enjoy social
aspects
A team effort with small groups that encourage each other as they
work out
Warning! Check that the things you think will bring happiness or pleasure
in the short-term will also bring satisfaction in the long-term. Beware the
short-term fix chosen by your Chimp! For example, there is nothing wrong
with eating treats. However, if they only bring happiness whilst you’re
eating them and then unhappiness some time later, the short-term fix is
unhelpful.
Don’t let your Chimp compare itself to

others!
Chimpanzees compare themselves to others within their troop in order to
establish their standing. This is to ensure that they have proved their worth
and can remain within the troop. The Chimp within us does the same and
decides its worth by comparing itself to others and sees this as crucial to
self-worth. [122] [123] [124] However, try to prevent your Chimp from
comparing how you are doing in life to how others are doing, because it will
usually distress your Chimp. Instead, the Chimp will settle if you compare
how you are doing to living out your own values.
Remember that when we operate with the Chimp system, we necessarily
look outwardly for our reference points. When we work with the Human
system we look inwardly to our own values and with perspective. The
problem is that when the Chimp compares itself to others, it usually plays
down its own accomplishments and therefore sees itself in a poor light.
Comparing how you are doing to others or to what they have, or to things
that they can do or have achieved, will almost invariably lead to becoming
unsettled and dissatisfied.
Humans check on where they stand by measuring how they are living up
to their own values and standards. This is much healthier and will prevent
some unnecessary distress. No matter how much we try, there will always
be someone better than us, at whatever we do. However, there is no one
better at being you than you.
Clearly an exception for comparing yourself to others is when the Chimp
gains strength by doing this. For example, in sport the Chimp might find it
useful to compare itself to its rivals in order to drive itself to train and
compete.
Reassure your Chimp with values if it compares itself to others
Don’t allow your Chimp to do a

juggling act
I run a weekend conference each year for members of the public. It’s an
entertaining social weekend but has some serious themes. As a break from
the discussion groups, I took in a lot of small apples that had fallen from
some apple trees. I asked each person to see how many apples they could
juggle. Most managed two or even three but no one got to four. The reason I
did this fun exercise is to remind delegates that the mind is very similar
when it comes to juggling. Most of us can manage to juggle two or three
problems in our heads but once we have four or more, we can’t manage.
The mind doesn't do well at solving multiple problems simultaneously.
What happens is that the Chimp takes over and moves from one problem to
another repeatedly going in circles and solving nothing.
You can help your Chimp to escape from this juggling act by writing
down each problem. You can then enter Human mode by addressing them
one at a time and finding solutions.
Chimps also try to do a juggling act when writing out ‘to do lists’ that are
too long.
It is found that as a rule of thumb, a ‘to do list’ of six items is optimum, if
you wish to get them all done in one day. Try not to overload or overwhelm
the Chimp with jobs to do or problems to solve. Work out what works for
you, but the general rules are:
Six priorities or less per day on a ‘to do list’
Just two problems before you write them down and solve them
individually[125] [126]
Learning to say “no”

Many Chimps feel that they should always say “yes” when asked to do
something. This can lead to cases of resentment or feelings that others
should then also say “yes”. What would be good to work out is why
someone would feel obliged to keep saying, “yes” to every request.
Here are some of the common Gremlins of belief that can be lurking in
someone’s Computer:
Saying “no”: Saying “yes”:
Is proof that I am not a pleasant Makes me a better person

person Makes me more popular with
Might upset someone others
Might make someone think badly Will stop me from letting others
of me down
Makes me feel bad about myself Will stop me from feeling guilty
There could be many reasons why some people allow these Gremlins to
remain in their Computer and able to prod the Chimp into saying “yes”.
These Gremlins need to be removed and replaced by suitable truthful
Autopilots, such as:
Saying “no”: Saying “yes”:
Is a sign of respect to my Chimp and Doesn’t make me a better

myself person
Is sometimes the right and appropriate Can be a sign of
answer weakness in the eyes of
Might upset someone, but “no” will be others
accepted by a reasonable person Could unsettle my Chimp
Is proof that I can use discernment and cause me stress
Can be unhelpful and
inappropriate
You are not obliged to say “yes”
The lesson to learn is, when asked to take on a new task, take your time and
reflect. Be selective and decide whether “yes” or “no” is the most
appropriate answer. You might need to start by checking the beliefs in your
Computer and tidying them up. Then practising saying “no”! [127] [128]
Discussing your plans with your
Chimp
Many plans are unsuccessful Listening to your Chimp can
because emotional aspects are not help with plans
taken into account and addressed.
Concerns and fears that the Chimp
might have are always better
brought out into the open and
discussed. Allowing your Chimp to
exercise without judging it is
helpful. The exercise itself can bring
perspective as the Human listens to
the Chimp. [81] [88] When I have
encouraged people to speak their
fears aloud, it’s not unusual for them
to come to the end of their dialogue only to smile. This is because they have
now seen things differently just by listening to their own Chimp. As your
Chimp expresses itself, your Human can listen. [81] Always consult your
Chimp in any plans you make and allow it to express itself!
If you find talking uncomfortable, then you could try writing down your
feelings.[129]
Example: Courtney and the Wedding plans
Courtney has completed her wedding plans but her Chimp is still unsettled,
despite everything being ready. The problem is that the Chimp needs to
express its fears, such as its concern that the weather might ruin the day.
This is a real concern, but by talking things through Courtney can bring
some perspective. She could redefine her perfect day, which doesn’t rely on
the weather. She could choose to redefine the perfect day as getting married,
having friends and family with her, and enjoying the moment. Of course, if
Courtney decides that the day will not be perfect unless the weather is good,
then she must accept the consequences that the day could be ruined. This
will inevitably generate negative emotions from her Chimp.
By discussing emotional aspects of any plans, we can avoid negative
emotions.
Commitment and motivation
There is a big difference between commitment and motivation. To get things
done, the Human uses commitment, whereas the Chimp uses motivation.
Commitment is a structured approach with a plan, which works
regardless of how we feel. Motivation relies on emotion to carry out a plan.
Motivation can help to bring added enthusiasm, but it relies on feelings,
which can change quickly. Motivation is like icing on the cake, where
commitment is the cake. We can get things done without motivation because
we can choose commitment. Motivation is in the hands of the Chimp and
only you can determine what will motivate your Chimp. Small steps and
fast rewards are the usual motivational drivers.
Example: Violet and commitment
Violet is a surgeon. She is performing a six-hour operation and is now three
hours into the work. The operating theatre is hot, and she has become very
tired. Imagine how the patient would feel if Violet went into Chimp mode
and said: “you know what, I just don’t feel motivated to keep going”.
Instead, Violet allows her Human to say to the Chimp, “it isn’t important
how you feel, it’s about commitment regardless of feelings.”
You always have a choice when taking on any task: you can either
commit to it or go with how motivated you feel. It’s not surprising that once
we’ve chosen to use commitment and see the work being done, our Chimps
often become motivated!
Start with commitment and motivation might follow
Commitment and motivation
- Scientific points
Various areas of the brain have been researched when looking at motivation. Examples
include:
The reward system: this involves dopamine release from the ventral tegmental area,
which is aimed at the nucleus accumbens: [130]
The orbitofrontal cortex: has a ‘Go or No go’ approach, so that if a reward ceases then
the activity stops. For example, praise from others, without which an activity might
cease [131]
The anterior cingulate gyrus seeks rewards by removing inner conflict [132]
Motivation can be further divided into external and internal motivating factors.
An external motivating factor means that the reward is outside of the person, for example
gaining money. Motivation will diminish without the reward. External rewards are
predominantly based on the reward system, which then strengthens a specific behaviour by
influencing the hippocampal formation. [133]
Internal rewards, such as self-satisfaction, self-praise or altruistic behaviour, are pleasing
feelings within the mind and are mainly based on the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex.
Commitment is a rational choice formed in the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. Here, facts and
information are combined with logic to rationalise the benefits of doing something.
Motivation can lack the use of rationality and be influenced purely by outcomes.
Commitment is therefore based on a rational plan that does not depend on feelings.
The CORE Principle

Successful people usually have a structured approach to challenges. I have
combined what I feel are the four major elements to a successful approach.
C = Commitment
- working out what it will take to succeed and being ready to deal with
anything that might stop you. (See pages 176-178 for full details).
O = Ownership
- having and personally owning a plan of action. Therefore, both your
Human and Chimp agree and endorse the plan.
R = Responsibility
- being responsible and accountable for putting the plan into action and
measuring your progress and reporting back.
E = Excellence
- ensuring that you gave it everything, as this is your own personal
level of excellence.
Efficient versus effective
The CORE principle might give a successful approach but the way that we
work needs to be effective:
Effective means that what we are doing will give us the outcome that
we want
Efficient means that while we are working, we are using our effort and
time well, but what we are doing isn’t necessarily going to get us the
outcome that we want.
The Human chooses commitment and works with effective and efficient
plans. The Chimp uses motivation and adds on efficiency.
When in Chimp mode, we can lose focus on what we are trying to
achieve and put in a great deal of effort, while being efficient, but fail to do
well. It is worth asking yourself are you working effectively or efficiently?
In other words, are your actions going to achieve your aims? Sadly, we can
often be very efficient but not very effective. Ideally, we would want
effectiveness with efficiency.
Example: The medical student

Stephanie and Garry are medical
students and have just eight weeks to Key Point
learn all they can about paediatrics
Effective working is better
(childhood) before they take an
than efficient working.
exam.. Garry learns by summarising
a huge text book and tries to cover
all areas. His approach is very efficient because he has covered all of the
subject. Stephanie learns by being effective. She first works out what is
important to learn for the exam and saves time by focussing on the things
she needs to know.
The result at the end of the eight weeks is that Stephanie is more likely to
do better in the exam.
Ask yourself: Is what you are doing effective or is it just efficient?
Unit 6
Reminders
Nurturing your Chimp will help to bring the best out of it
To get things done, the Human uses commitment, whereas the Chimp
uses motivation.
Commitment often motivates our Chimp
Unit 6
Exercises
1. Planning links to pleasure
2. Managing multiple challenges
3. Commitment and motivation
Focus 1: Planning links to pleasure

This is such a simple and obvious thing to do but we tend not to do it.
Whenever you have a task to do that is not going to give you pleasure, try to
be inventive and either link the activity to a pleasurable experience or try to
add a reward at the end of the task for when you have completed it.
A laborious or tedious task can always be made easier if it is broken
down and small rewards are added at each completed stage. The Chimp is
the one who wants the reward; Humans just get on with the task. Therefore,
if your Chimp is playing up, ensure the reward is in line with the Chimp’s
idea of a reward. For example, most Chimps like someone to appreciate
what they have had to endure and once they feel they have had this
understanding they settle down. Letting someone know what you have gone
through, or achieved, is often a very good reward for the Chimp.
Exercise: The ‘when I get around to it’ task
Choose a task that you have to do but are struggling to get around to doing
it: maybe something that has been waiting to be done for some time.
Clearly, it is your Chimp that is stalling if you yourself want to get the task
completed. Agree with your Chimp how you will break the task down and
what reward you will give your Chimp when each phase of the task is
completed. One of the secrets of keeping going is to refuse to engage with
any Chimp chatter once you have begun. Although we cannot control our
Chimps, we can be firm with them and learn to refuse to engage with them!
Focus 2: Managing multiple challenges

Most of us have multiple tasks to complete every day. Many people avoid
the more difficult or time-consuming ones and instead apply themselves to
the quick fix or easy tasks.
Exercise: Forming and executing a priority list
If you’d like to become more organised and efficient, try starting the day by
writing out your six most important tasks and put them in order of
importance. It’s crucial to do this in a rational way and not allow your
Chimp to bring in emotions and draw up an easy fix list. Remember that
research indicates that a list of six priorities is likely to be executed and
finished rather than a long list of priority jobs mixed with non-important
jobs. [125] [126] Doing a six point ordered priority list on a daily basis can
programme your Computer to work effectively. Mastering this habit could
help you to become more organised and efficient.
Focus 3: Commitment and motivation

This focus point overlaps with the previous ones. It is really about actively
removing your emotions from a situation and doing what you need to do,
regardless of how your Chimp might feel. If you can establish, as a habit,
using commitment rather than motivation, you will find that you will get
things done in a timely manner and even your Chimp will feel better for
this!
The secret to managing the Chimp in situations where motivation is an
issue, is to learn to refuse to engage with the Chimp.
Exercise: Managing the Chimp by actively blocking it
Is there a task that you want to accomplish that you are struggling to
complete? Try to begin with the word ‘commitment’. In other words, I will
do what needs to be done regardless of my Chimp’s feelings. The Computer
will take over with a plan, if you can maintain your focus on the process of
what you need to do and not on how you feel about doing it.
This principle can be used in any area of life, and in any situation, where
you want to achieve an outcome but your emotions could prevent you from
performing your task.
Please remember: You can keep your focus on a process, by not looking at
the whole process, but by only looking at the next step of the process. This
will prevent your Chimp from focussing on how large the task is or on how
long it might take to complete it. This can overwhelm the Chimp and
paralyse you from starting.
Unit 7
Managing your drives
Unit 7: will consider how we can manage powerful and
compelling biological drives by drawing a line. The eating drive
and the security drive will be used as examples to demonstrate
how to recognise and manage your Chimp’s input.
Fulfilling the Chimp’s drives

The biological drives that we possess
are clearly there for a reason. They Key Point
help us to survive and they also help All of our drives are
us to thrive. Therefore, they are not
helpful, if we manage them
unhelpful or destructive but rather
well.
they are there to be managed and
utilised. [134] [135] [1] [136]
Our Chimps have biological drives that need fulfilling. The starting point
is to list the Chimp’s drives that you will want to address.
The diagram shows some important drives:
If the Chimp’s drives cannot be met directly, then the Chimp will sublimate
the drive to gain fulfilment. This means that it will find a way of fulfilling
the drive, but not in the way it was originally intended. For example, the
parental instinct can be sublimated onto a pet. The drive gains fulfilment
and the Chimp is happy.
By going through the list of drives, you can select those that are strong in
your Chimp and make sure that they are being fulfilled or sublimated
appropriately.
If we don’t fulfil the Chimp’s drives, then this frequently results in
discontent or the drive being applied inappropriately.
The Chimp could still gain fulfilment from sublimated drives
Example: Valerie and the unrecognised drive

Valerie feels that her life is not fulfilling but doesn't know why. She says she
is happy and has lots of friends, a great family and a good job, which she
enjoys. So why does she feel unfulfilled?
One of the drives that nature has instilled within us is to search for mental
stimulation, which can present as inquisitiveness or curiosity. By finding
excitement, taking on challenges or experiencing novel situations, we are
constantly learning. This would improve our chances of survival. This drive
is not as obvious as most of the others, but it is nevertheless a very
important one. Nature drives us to learn.
Valerie has to first recognise the drive and then decide how she would
best fulfil this. It could be by exploring new places, by taking on a charity
challenge, by joining a new group or by learning a new skill. When she has
engaged in an activity that fulfils her drive then she might find the
contentment that she is missing. What she will have done is brought purpose
and some direction into her life.
Managing your drives by drawing a line
Fulfilling drives directly or by sublimation is healthy but there is a slight
problem! The Human knows where and when to draw the line and also
when to be satisfied when fulfilling any drive. The Chimp on the other hand
doesn’t know where or when to draw the line and is only temporarily
satisfied with what it has achieved. [137]
The Human needs to recognise and manage the Chimp’s drives.

The Chimp just keeps on redrawing the line. If we don’t help the Chimp to
stick to the line that has been drawn, this can result in unhelpful emotions
and destructive outcomes.
Example: Marcus and the drive to achieve
Marcus has a Chimp with low self-
esteem. Marcus thinks that if he can
pass his driving test on his first
attempt then he will feel so much
better about himself and his self-
esteem will be fine. Marcus takes
the test and passes first time. He is
elated but this elation doesn't last.
Before long, the Chimp reminds
Marcus that there are lots of people The Chimp can downplay its
who pass first time and it isn’t that achievements
great an achievement. Therefore, the
Chimp decides that if he can manage to be selected for the local football
team then he will have truly achieved something special. He works hard on
this and is finally selected. The elation is again short-lived. Once again the
Chimp dismisses the achievement as not being that great and searches
again. The Chimp has no idea where to draw the line. If Marcus does not
intervene this can continue indefinitely with no improvement in self-esteem
and, even worse, a lowering of self-esteem if Marcus should fail to reach his
goals.
Example: Sheila and improving her status
Sheila has an office management role that is well paid. She has always had
dreams of owning her own home and having a good car. By hard work she
has achieved this. Her problem is that she now wants a better car and a
bigger house. She always seems to spend more than she earns, and whatever
she buys doesn'''t seem to satisfy her. To the Chimp, owning possessions
will offer security. The problem is that the Chimp cannot draw the line and
feels that what it has is not enough. It is healthy to have a drive for status
but only if it is contained. Her Human has to come to the rescue and draw a
line. The line is to let the Chimp know that when it has achieved what it set
out to do, it will enjoy it and not try to keep on improving at the expense of
its peace of mind and happiness.
In-built drives
Our in-built drives cover all of the
survival and thriving requirements Key Point
for the species or an individual but All drives are based on
vary from person to person in their survival and are helpful
strengths. Drives also change in but need the Human to
strength and importance during our manage them.
lifetime. What we will do now is to
focus on two of the main drives as examples: eating and security.
Individuals differ in the strength of their drives
Managing the eating drive

The eating drive is clearly critical to survival. In order to make us eat, the
body experiences a craving for food. The body supports this craving by
releasing pleasurable hormones and transmitters when we do eat. [113] [138]
[139] Therefore, eating has a craving aspect to it and also a pleasurable
aspect to it. This could almost be seen as a food addiction that we all have!
It is understandable that many people will struggle to contain the drive. [140]
In order to manage the drive practical measures need to be taken! It’s no
use telling the Chimp that “instead of eating crisps all night, we are going to
go for a walk”, if the Chimp then puts a couple of packets of crisps in your
coat pocket as you set off. Being realistic, we have to put in place elements
that will make it virtually impossible for the Chimp to act out its drives. The
Chimp’s approach is to overeat for survival and pleasure but doesn’t know
where to draw the line because it doesn't appreciate that overeating can
cause serious health problems. Sadly, there is no set of instructions to follow
when it comes to managing Chimp drives because everyone is unique, and
you have to work out what will work for you.
How can we help the Chimp to draw the line? This all depends on why
the Chimp is being driven to eat. If we know why it is doing this, then we
might be able to change the Chimp’s behaviour. It might be eating because:
It is trying to feel full because it thinks feeling full is normal
It has developed poor habits
It makes poor food choices
It is using food to manage stress
Here are four more examples illustrating common reasons why a Chimp
might keep eating.
Example 1: Joseph and low self-esteem
Joseph has low self-esteem and worries about social interactions. In order to
make himself feel better he has learnt to use food as a comfort. [141] This has
caused a weight gain and his Chimp is now berating Joseph even more. The
answer is to recognise what the real problem is and to address this. While
Joseph learns to build his self-esteem he can consider different ways to gain
comfort. For example, he could talk through his feelings and be understood.
[142] [143] Alternatively, he could build his self-esteem by getting involved
with a charity or join an interest group. Joseph no doubt recognises that his
comfort eating just adds to his problem.
Example 2: Tina and her beliefs
Tina appears to have the belief that she is a food bin. Her Chimp is listening
to a Gremlin in her Computer that says that no food should ever be wasted.
Therefore, if any food is left over she must eat it. It’s a useful exercise to
search for any beliefs you might be holding that need challenging and
removing.
Example 3: Jason and pleasure
Jason is concerned about his health because he just can’t resist certain
foods! The release of dopamine in his brain gives great pleasure. Food can
activate the release of dopamine but so can lots of other things. [113] [138]
[139] Jason has developed a habit of using food to gain pleasure, without
considering if he could substitute something else for the food. The
important point here is that he needs to replace the food with something he
finds more pleasurable but healthier. For example, this could be jogging,
reading a book, watching a movie or meeting up with friends.
There are alternative sources of pleasure
A change of mind and a change of food

- Scientific points
Nature has cleverly programmed us to vary our diet. The hypothalamus gives us a hunger
drive. [140] [141] Our orbitofrontal cortex then searches out our favourite food. It compels us
to eat our favourite food and to find the food attractive. [142] [143] [138] [113] [139]
Once we have eaten so much of our favourite food, the OFC then changes its mind and
perceives our favourite food as being unpleasant. This makes the OFC move on to other
foods. This is nature’s way for making us eat a varied diet with different foods. This is why if
you stick to a diet that only allows you to eat a few chosen foods it tends to work. What
these restricted food diets are doing, is helping your OFC, the Chimp, to become repelled at
the thought of eating too much of the same food. Imagine being allowed to eat only bananas
and carrots for the day. After eating a few, even though you might feel hungry, you’re
unlikely to keep eating more of them.
This inability to eat too much of the same food also accounts for why our Chimps overeat
at buffets by varying what they eat and also why after eating a heavy meal and feeling full,
the Chimp still manages to eat some dessert.
If you are allowed to eat what you like, then you can keep varying the food until the
Chimp has overeaten and feels uncomfortable. To prevent overeating, feeling full is a last
resort: an inability to vary the food is a much better way.
Example 4: Rachel and her grazing habits

Rachel doesn't eat large meals but continually grazes on small amounts of
food throughout the day. Even after a reasonable size meal she continues to
pick at various foods.
Rachel’s experience is that she can keep eating provided she changes the
type of food that she is eating. She loves pizza and can happily eat her way
through a large pizza. However, when she feels full from the pizza, she
finds the idea of eating more pizza unpleasant. However, if she is then
offered some cheesecake, somehow she can find room for this. Her Chimp
has changed its perception of the pizza and that makes the Chimp look for
another food that might be appealing.
The solution is to decide on just a few healthy food substances that can be
eaten all day long and to draw the line there for the Chimp.
Substitute two healthy foods you can eat all day
Managing the security drive

The drive for security includes such things as: having defined territory,
shelter, support from others, familiarity and routines. The security drive can
overlap with many other drives, such as territorial, eating or partner finding.
This drive has been adapted to fit into the society that we have created and
this causes some difficulties. For example, we have previously considered
how the opinions of others are a strong feature to provide us with security.
Even within a chimpanzee troop, the ‘opinions’ of other members of the
troop are important. Therefore, we see chimpanzees trying to impress or
curry favour with other chimpanzees. [144] With the arrival of social media
into our society, we now have a mass of opinions to contend with, and some
will not be favourable. It’s impossible to please everyone and this causes
our inner Chimp some stress!
The need for approval by others
- Scientific points
One of the functions of the Orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) is to alert us as to what is accepted
socially.[145] The OFC therefore helps us to look to others to ensure that we are popular,
have approval and stay within social norms. People who have some damage to the OFC
can fail to do this by not recognising when they have made a faux pas. [146] Typically, we
are careful not to say something that would be offensive to others and this effectively keeps
us from being rejected. Rejection or perceived rejection can have devastating effects on our
psychological health. The OFC is the centre for ensuring that others will accept us. [147]
The meaning of security to the Chimp

and Human
Security for the Chimp and Human is different. Both of them look for
security by employing internal and external factors. However, the Human
puts a great emphasis on the internal factors and the Chimp puts a great
emphasis on the external factors.
Security for the Chimp is not the same as for the Human
The Chimp is basically looking to build a secure feeling from what it can
achieve, what possessions it has, what people think about it and what
territory it owns. Whereas, the Human looks to implement values, self-
worth, self-esteem and inner peace to find security. Both Chimp and Human
use self-image but in different ways. The Chimp wants a good self-image to
impress others, which gives it a sense of security. The Human wants a good
self-image for self-approval by living out and fulfilling their values.
Practical management
Clearly, it helps to make both Human and Chimp feel secure. In order to do
this, we need to obtain a balance when it comes to the Chimp. The Human
can achieve a sense of internal worth and security not just by looking to
their values but also by working with the reality of life. Therefore, the
Human accepts that we have to live with some measure of insecurity
because we cannot control every factor in our lives. The Chimp cannot
accept any sense of insecurity. Even when it obtains a level of security, it
will often find something to be worried about and draw a new required level
of security. This means the Human must intervene and bring the Chimp
back into reality with some home truths. These grade A hits will settle the
Chimp down.
Here are some possible grade A hits:

Security can never be absolute
Every day things will change and I cannot stop this
Some days will be good and some not so good
I am an adult and can manage whatever comes my way
There are always people who will help me
To stop my Chimp from worrying, I need to draw a line
Example 1: Holly the artist

Holly is an artist who has an accomplished record of producing many pieces
of excellent artwork. Her Human and Chimp both wanted to do this and
some years ago set out to achieve it. They might have had very different
reasons for wanting to produce excellent artwork, and for wanting to
achieve, but at the time of setting out they were in agreement.
When Holly achieved her objectives, her Human was proud and could
reflect on what she had achieved and hoped to do more. However, her
Chimp’s celebration was short lived. It soon dismissed what she had
achieved and wanted to raise the level again by re-drawing the line of what
it takes to feel a sense of achievement. The drive to prove itself and to
achieve is strong.
In this example, the Chimp has demonstrated several ways in which it is
predisposed to act:
Whatever the Chimp achieves it will soon belittle
The Chimp fails to recognise and celebrate the value of what it has
achieved
Whatever standard is reached, the Chimp will need to re-set the level in
order to reassure itself that is it good enough
The Chimp stresses about not being able to achieve the new higher
standard or even the same standard again
Holly’s potential problem is not recognising what is happening and stopping
the Chimp from re-drawing the line.
The Chimp can dismiss any achievements and redefine what
makes it happy
Example 2: Dan as a provider

Dan is the father of three young children and wants to provide them with the
best quality of life that he can. He works hard and has a mortgage on a
house that he was proud to buy for his family. They have a car that gets
them around and they have a reasonable life style.
Here comes the dilemma; Dan’s Human can see that the family are doing
fine and that his quality time spent with them is good. He is fulfilling his
parental and security drives.
Dan’s Chimp has decided to redraw the line and is looking to keep on
improving things. It will drive him to make more money and might well
look for a better house and a better car. There is nothing wrong with this.
However, it is up to Dan to decide whether to allow the Chimp to re-draw
the line. If it redraws the line, there are potential consequences that could
diminish the quality of his family life. If he stays with the status quo or
makes small improvements, he won’t compromise the family quality time.
Dan has to decide where he wants to draw the line.
I have lost count of the number of
parents who have been referred to Key Point
me, who describe the same problem
Always consider the
of not getting the balance right for
consequences of re-
their family. They have tried to
drawing the line.
improve things, which is good, but
ended up sacrificing what quality of
life they had. Only you can decide what is right for you. What I would like
to draw your attention to is that our Chimps will continually re-draw the line
because it is in their nature to do so, but they often do not consider the
consequences of their actions.[148]
Example 3: Gemma the linguist
Gemma is learning a language and has not found it easy. However, she has
managed to be able to communicate at a basic level. Her Chimp is now
dismissing this achievement and is pushing her to learn much more. This is
distressing Gemma because the Chimp is also fearful that it won’t be able to
improve. This is very typical of our Chimps; they push us to do things, then
have a meltdown when it comes to doing them!
This scenario demonstrates a very different aspect to re-drawing the line.
This time her Chimp is probably doing the right thing in pushing her to re-
draw the line. The Chimp’s problem is not celebrating what has been
achieved and trying for the new line without fear. Sometimes there are
advantages to re-drawing the line and our Chimps are right to encourage us
to do so. Her Chimp just needs support to commit to trying.
The examples demonstrate a
principle that the Chimp operates by. Key Point
There is nothing wrong with re-
drawing the line that we originally
drew, unless we miss out on It’s good to celebrate
celebrating what we have achieved when you have reached
and also don’t consider the any line that you have
consequences of re-drawing the line. drawn.
In all of the examples above there

are no rights or wrongs, there are just Key Point
thought-through decisions. Dan may • The drive to find security
well take on a more stressful job or
is different for Humans
move house to better his family and
and Chimps.
this could be the right decision for
• The Human puts an
him at that time. He may have
emphasis on its search
thought through the consequences
for internal security; the
and be prepared for them. Gemma
Chimp puts an emphasis
may have decided to stop at the level
on its search for external
that she has reached and enjoy what
security.
she has achieved.
• The Human needs to
help the Chimp to draw
the line in its search for
external security.
Redrawing the line needs managing

The drive to achieve can become a millstone around our necks and
paradoxically result in us becoming unhappy, dissatisfied and often feeling
like we are failing. [149] [137] [150]
Example: The elite athlete
I once worked with an elite athlete at the highest level within their sport.
Their target was to win a gold medal in a major championship. As we
approached the championship, they were completely convinced that if they
achieved the gold they would be satisfied for life. The day of competition
came and they excelled. They got their gold and also achieved a world
record. Their elation was off the scale. Some weeks passed and we met
again. Their Chimp had completely redrawn the line of what constitutes
success and what is good. Their Chimp then offered me one of my favourite
Chimp quotes: “I know I set a world record but I didn’t set a good world
record”.
Already the Chimp realised the world record they had set could possibly
be broken and it wasn’t happy. Sometimes we have to pull our Chimps into
line and remind them to enjoy and celebrate what we have achieved, no
matter how big or small. Thankfully, the athlete saw the funny side of this
and went on to enjoy their gold medal.
The Chimp’s drive to achieve is rarely satisfied and success can
still result in unhappiness
Can we avoid the pitfall of

inappropriately re-drawing the line?
Yes, there are things we can do that can help us not to fall into potential
pitfalls when considering whether to re-set our goals or standards:
Humans know where to draw the line and whether it’s helpful or not to
re-draw the line
Start with a blank page and decide where you want to draw the line
that marks success for any particular project or drive fulfilment. It is
likely that the Chimp will agree at the start of the project on what
constitutes success and an acceptable standard
Each person is different, and you must decide what works for you
For example:
How much do you want to earn that you believe will keep you happy?
What possessions do you want to have, that your Chimp will agree to?
What is the lifestyle that will fulfil your basic drives, such as food, sex
and territory, while not compromising your values? Remember that the
Chimp will agree at the time, but it is quite possibly going to try to
change the line once it reaches that level
When you have reached your line, or as close as you can get to it,
celebrate your success and don’t allow your Chimp to take this success
away
If you are deciding to re-draw the line, then look at the consequences
or impact that changing to a new level will bring
Consider the rewards that working to a new line would bring and make
sure they are worth it
If it is a drive that is going too far, then try and work out an alternative
way to satisfy the drive
Check that a drive isn’t being used to satisfy an area where it doesn’t
belong
With the demands for wanting more,

are our Chimps drives insatiable?
Not necessarily. They can be, if you don’t manage them. You have to work
out what your own drives are and recognise the needs you have. Some
people find they do reach satisfaction in life, and have a very healthy status
quo and lifestyle, without constantly wanting to better themselves or have
more. It’s a bit like having a thermostat in your head for achievement or
possessions. The problem is, that at times, some of us appear to have no top
end to our thermostats! We have to recognise when to be content and when
to push on.
Feelings of missing out

Some people experience a feeling that no matter what they do or where they
are, they feel as if they are missing out. [151] Sometimes, in the moment, all
seems well but before long the same feelings return. It is often described as
a feeling of something missing inside. Being dissatisfied or always wanting
to be in a better place can be a Gremlin: a learnt behaviour. A more
constructive behaviour is to accept that life could naturally have moments of
inner peace, which you can enjoy, without having to constantly search or
strive to create or find those moments.
Can the line change over time?

Yes! As life changes, so do we, and it might be that you need to adjust the
line up or down. It might be hazardous staying with the same line
throughout life without challenging where you have reached and what is
appropriate now.
Very different drives behind choosing

an activity
Lottie is a Rugby coach and she has a large squad of players. She wondered
why each player had chosen to play rugby. By discussing this with the
players, she found that the players had very different reasons. Here are some
of the answers they gave:
Just to enjoy the game
For health and fitness
For team bonding and common purpose
To prove to others that I can do this
To prove to myself that I can be good at something
To define myself
To have a feeling of power and success
To be part of the best team around
We can see that many of the reasons given are based on primitive survival
drives that have been transferred into sport. This can therefore be a very
healthy way to fulfil the Chimp’s drives. Lottie can now develop aspects of
the game that will help to strengthen each player’s commitment to the team,
and to the game, by promoting the drives each individual has. Provided the
players can recognise what is behind their desire to play, the Chimp can
appropriately keep re-drawing the line to improve performance or it can be
helped to manage a drive that is becoming destructive. In some cases, the
drive being used to play the sport might not be appropriate and it is worth
changing this.
How people fulfil drives is unique to them
Unit 7
Reminders
Our biological drives are helpful, if we manage them appropriately
Drives can be constructively used in different ways
Always consider the consequences of re-drawing the line
It helps to celebrate success on reaching the line you first drew
Humans use internal values for security, whereas Chimps use external
assets and achievements
Unit 7
Exercises
1. Reflection on drawing the line
2. Reflecting on the security drive
3. Reviewing your drives
Focus 1: Reflection on drawing the line

This focus point is to consider the drives that you are experiencing in your
life and deciding which ones are worth investing energy into in order to
satisfy them, and which ones need to have a line drawn under them.
Example: Colin and satisfaction
Colin and his Chimp strives to better themselves. However, the Chimp is
never satisfied and instead of reflecting on what it has got and what it has
achieved, the Chimp only sees what it could have and what it lacks. This
can be helpful to drive Colin further, but it has to be managed. Colin
recognises the need to stop and reflect on what he has and be grateful for
this, however, he struggles to convince his Chimp. The way that Colin
manages the situation is to agree with the Chimp to strive for better but to
stop and have some days where striving ceases and relaxation, gratefulness
and celebration take over.
Exercise: Reflection on managing your drives
Reflect on how much time you spend striving to fulfil drives and how much
time you spend relaxing, being grateful and celebrating successes.
Focus 2: Reflecting on the security drive

This focus point is to reflect on one aspect of security: feeling at peace with
yourself.
The security drive we have is often seen as just a physical one; securing a
home, a job, a partner and so on. The aspect of feeling secure within
yourself is often missed, and yet this is arguably more important than any of
the physical or other psychological security needs.
Respecting yourself, by living out your values, can help immensely by
giving you a sense of security and peace within yourself. Clearly, we need
to provide physical security but an inner sense of security can often make
up for any lack of physical or other psychological deficits. Effectively what
we are doing is going into Human mode before addressing our physical or
psychological Chimp needs, instead of entering into Chimp mode, which
usually loses perspective when it comes to security.
Exercise: Addressing your security drive
Try to practice entering Human mode and create inner security before
addressing any outer security issues. This practice can be done by
imagining security issues that could arise during your day, such as suddenly
feeling vulnerable by someone making a criticism directed towards you.
Turn to your values and be at peace with yourself first before returning to
address the problem that has presented.
Focus 3: Reviewing your drives

As we possess some very strong and compelling drives, it can be a useful
exercise to review these drives to see how many we are fulfilling in a
constructive way. The drives can be fulfilled either directly or we could
sublimate them in a healthy way
Exercise: Reviewing your main drives
Complete the table to review where you are with each of the drives: then
take action as needed! Some of the drives will be covered in later units;
therefore at this point it is a measure of where you think you need to put
your attention. Explanations of each drive are given to guide you.
Drive
I am happy I ought to rethink
This needs
addressing
Security
Territorial
Shelter
Eating
Dominanc
e
Sex
Partner
Troop
Ego
Role in
life
Stimulatio
n
Here are some explanations for each drive:
The security drive is fulfilled when the Chimp is feeling relaxed and
content. Evidence that the Chimp is not feeling secure can either be by
feelings of apprehension or worry or it can be by behaviours, such as trying
to control people, events or surroundings inappropriately.
The territorial drive can be thought of as the extent to which your Chimp
feels content with the boundaries it sets to protect what it believes belongs
to it. This can include physical boundaries, possessions and your role in life.
How relaxed is your Chimp about these boundaries being well defined?
How relaxed is it about managing any of these being invaded or threatened?
The shelter drive is easier to define because it just means; do you have the
right safe and private space that your Chimp needs? For some people this is
really important, whilst for others their Chimps can be happy sharing space.
The eating drive is self-explanatory. Is it being managed well for the level
of health, fitness and weight that you want to be?
The dominance drive is healthy if used appropriately. The Chimp will use
this to show its superiority over others and to suppress others in order to
elevate itself. The Human can use this drive by sublimating it into helping
others and supporting them to improve their self-esteem or sharing and
helping them to overcome adversity or problem-solve.
The sex drive is complex. It is arguably the strongest and most difficult
drive that we have to manage. Everyone differs in the way that they
experience this drive and how it presents but here are some common
reasons why the drive can be challenging:
It is meant to be strong in order to perpetuate the species
It is compelling because sexual tension builds an appetite for sex
The drive can be displaced inappropriately towards others
It is influenced by moral values that can conflict within individuals
It is influenced by society’s values
It can be inappropriately linked to other drives, such as dominance and
security
It is frequently perceived as a source of embarrassment or denial by
some individuals
The question that you can ask yourself is: “Do I feel at ease with my sex
drive and how it is being fulfilled?”. If the answer is “no”, then it is wise to
address the areas that you think are causing the unease. These could be
about behaviours, beliefs you hold or situations that you are in that need
addressing.
The partner drive is another complex drive. We are driven to find a partner
in order to secure the species; therefore this drive is usually strongly linked
to the sex drive but not always. Reflect on how you want to employ your
partner drive and making it practical and in line with your values. This will
help you with input into your relationship or to finding a partner.
The Troop drive is such a critical drive to get right. This will be covered in
greater detail later in the course. It is added here for completeness. It is
sufficient at this point to measure whether you feel that you have a group of
unconditionally supportive people in your life. If the answer is not a definite
“yes”, then it can be addressed when we reach this later in the course.
The ego drive is about feeling good about yourself. There are many
interpretations when it comes to the word ‘ego’. We will consider it as
having a positive image of yourself and a great relationship with yourself.
This is paramount to developing good self-esteem. The question that will
help you to improve your self-esteem is to ask yourself at this point, “How
good am I at separating myself from my machine and celebrating the real
me, not the me that the world sees after interference from Chimp and
Computer?”
The role or purpose drive defines how we see our place and usefulness to
others, society and self. Be wary about how you measure this. Your Chimp
will always look at what you are achieving in terms of tangible measures,
such as money, prestige or accomplishments. There is nothing wrong with
this but more importantly is this in line with your values? Your Human will
look at measures such as, how much energy and happiness that you bring to
others. This drive is strongly linked to a sense of satisfaction.
The stimulation or pleasure drive is about your innate need for physical
and mental stimulation. It encompasses curiosity and discovery and new
experiences. How much are you employing this drive, which will bring
richness to your life? Do you have plans in place that work for you and
keep this drive satisfied? How much are you looking after your own
happiness? What efforts are you making and most importantly, are they
working?
There are of course other very important drives that you might want to add,
such as parental drives and the drive for independence. Many of the drives
overlap and can be worked on under different titles. The point of the
exercise is to consider how you are managing the powerful driving forces
that will compel you to act.
Unit 8
Emotion - learning an internal
language
STAGE 3: focusses specifically on understanding and
managing our emotions.
Unit 8: explains emotional messages from the mind and how to
work with these. By the end of the unit, you will be able to
speak to the Chimp in its own language.
How the Chimp constantly sends us

messages using emotion
Our body communicates with us to let us know what it needs us to do. It
can do this physically by making things uncomfortable for us, or
alternatively, by making things feel better. For example, when we need to
drink we become thirsty and this automatically drives us to find fluid. If we
get too hot, we search out shade or try to cool ourselves down. These
examples demonstrate how our physical bodies send us messages and it is
up to us to interpret this message and act appropriately.
Likewise the Chimp constantly sends us messages. Whatever experiences
we have in life, the Chimp will always interpret the experience first and
then send a message in the form of an emotion to the Human. The Human
needs to interpret this emotional message correctly before acting.
The difficulty with the Chimp is that we often don’t understand what it is
trying to say to us and therefore we can misunderstand or misinterpret
emotional messages.
For example, if your Chimp
becomes worried, it could express Key Point
anger instead of anxiety. If you don’t
The Chimp is constantly
recognise this, then the anger could
communicating with us
be misunderstood and mismanaged,
and it helps to learn its
which could make matters worse.
language.
Learning to understand these
emotional messages relies on your
understanding of how differently the Chimp and Human communicate. The
Human speaks with a rational language based on facts and logic. [8] The
Chimp speaks with a language based on intuition and emotion. [7] [3] [152]
[153] They can both speak a little of the other’s language but in order to be
effective, our Human needs to learn to understand and speak to the Chimp
in its own language.
Learning the emotional language of the Chimp is a skill because although
the emotions offered by the Chimp might be helpful, they can also be over-
emphasised, inappropriate or even misleading. [154] [155] [156] [157] [158]
Two different languages
Example: Two messages

I once worked with an Olympic athlete that used to complain of becoming
very anxious before competitions. This is a fairly predictable response from
a healthy Chimp system. We looked at this anxiety from the Chimp’s
perspective. She learnt that her Chimp was merely sending a message to
warn her. The Chimp had interpreted the situation as the athlete putting
herself in danger by taking on unknown Chimps that could be stronger than
her. When the Human interpreted the Chimp’s message and added some
rationality and perspective, she learned to reassure her Chimp and then
focus on the process of competing.
All was going well until the Chimp sent another message to her. This
time the message was a feeling of ‘anxiety’, despite her apparently being in
a good place.
Her body had released adrenaline,
in readiness to compete. [159] The Key Point
adrenaline had produced Accurate interpretation of
uncomfortable physical symptoms, any emotional message
such as a dry mouth and rapid heart from the Chimp helps to
rate. This was a good sign, showing produce appropriate
that her body was preparing for the
actions.
competition. However, her Chimp
had misinterpreted the adrenaline as
being anxiety. There was no anxiety just adrenaline. Anxiety occurs when
we add negative thoughts to these symptoms of adrenaline. [160] [161] As the
Chimp had interpreted the symptoms as being anxiety it had added beliefs
such as; “I am anxious”, “I am nervous”, “I am not ready”, “My body feels
heavy”, “I don’t think I can do this”. All of these thoughts are very
unhelpful and will use up lots of energy. Once the Human realised what the
Chimp was saying, and interpreted the symptoms correctly, the Chimp
settled again, even though the symptoms of adrenaline continued. The
symptoms were even welcomed as a positive sign that she was ready to
compete.
Emotional information needs to be interpreted correctly
The type of emotion within a message

might not matter
Example: The urgent call
A relative had left a message on Kerry’s phone, asking Kerry to call her
urgently. This will evoke an emotional reaction from Kerry’s Chimp.
Depending on the relative, the emotional message sent from Kerry’s Chimp
could range from fear to annoyance. What the Chimp is doing by giving an
emotional reaction, of any kind, is sending a message to Kerry’s Human
asking it to find out the facts and then make a plan. Notice that her Chimp
could give any type of emotion: agitation, worry, anger or feelings of
indifference. The important point here is that there is an emotional message
that needs to be acted upon. The type of emotion that the Chimp uses is not
necessarily significant.
Therefore, the correct interpretation of ANY emotion that Kerry
experiences is that the Chimp is asking Kerry’s Human to establish the facts
and make a plan. [162] It’s good to recognise that often the type of emotion
contained in the Chimp’s message is not important, but it is what the
Human does with the message that is important.
The Chimp doing its job
Example: Interpreting a message from the Chimp when serious news

arrives
Imagine that you are told some serious news regarding your own health. In
this situation there is likely to be a naturally strong emotional reaction from
your Chimp. Everyone might react differently, but regardless of the emotion
sent, the message is the same. The Chimp is saying, “please can you, the
Human, reassure me by finding out the appropriate information from the
relevant person. This information must satisfy me and might need to be told
to me on several occasions”.
Messages that keep on being sent
If we keep getting the same emotional message from the Chimp, it is
usually because we are not acting on this or not acting effectively. [163] [164]
[165] For example, when somebody upsets you, your Chimp will have an
emotional reaction. Whatever emotion is experienced, it merely represents a
message from your Chimp. The Chimp then waits for you to decide what to
do with the message. It is your responsibility to find a solution to stop the
message from being re-sent. If you don’t change something, or act, then the
message will keep on being repeated until you do act. The Chimp might
even change the emotion being sent because it is trying to get through to
you, but it is still the same message. Therefore, constant or repeated
emotions, such as worry, anger, irritation or emptiness will persist or keep
being repeated until you act on this emotional message and sort things out.
For example, a message might
begin with you feeling hurt and Key Point
wounded about a comment made by Try not to engage with any
a friend. If you don’t resolve the particular negative
issue, then the message might emotion, but see it as a
change from feelings of hurt to message that needs to be
feelings of anger or even despair. understood and acted
Try not to engage with the actual upon.
emotion but rather appreciate the
emotion as a message to act on.
If we do not respond to important messages, they are eventually put into an
‘unresolved issue box’ within the mind and will emerge some time later, or
just keep unsettling us because they are effectively unfinished business.
The Chimp’s messages to us

The Chimp can use emotions to communicate with us, in order to ask us to
do different things.
Here are some examples:

To ask us to find a solution:
probably the commonest
communication. For example,
the Chimp becomes frustrated
or worried and is asking the
Human to find solutions to
remove the frustration or
worry.
To ask for reassurance: for
example, in a new situation, such as entering a room full of people that
we don’t know, the Chimp becomes vigilant and on edge.
To ask us to interpret something: for example, if the Chimp has had
a bad experience and needs us to check that it has interpreted this
correctly.
To ask us to fulfil a need: the Chimp will use an emotional message
to ask us to fulfil a need. For example, feeling lonely is the Chimp’s
way of telling us to search out a partner, friend or company.
Remember that the Chimp doesn't look for solutions; that is not its role. The
Chimp’s role is to either take immediate action to escape danger or to send
an emotional message to the Human to take over and work rationally. [152]
[153] [166]
Example: Tammy and irritability

Tammy works hard and enjoys her work but finds that her Chimp is very
quick to become irritable. Tammy recognises this emotional message of
irritability keeps appearing but doesn’t know how to stop it.
What Tammy can do now is to ask herself what her Chimp is trying to
convey as a message. There are numerous possibilities and Tammy’s role is
to find the right one and the right solution. Here are some possible
interpretations of what the irritability message is saying and corresponding
solutions from her Human:
1. I think the message is that you are being unreasonable in your
expectations. We need to have realistic expectations of what is likely to
happen at work and to work with the reality, even if we don’t like it
2. I think you are telling me that you are tired and need to have more
down time and better sleep. We need to plan in some relaxation and
recuperation and develop a regular sleep pattern
3. I think you are saying that you don’t feel you are given recognition for
what you are doing. We need to ask for feedback and encouragement
4. I think you feel overwhelmed with work and it is worrying you. We
need to be assertive and to let this be known to our line manager
5. I think you are saying that you are worrying about things outside of
work and you are bringing them to work. We need to address personal
issues and then work will be fine
How to deal with uncomfortable or negative emotional messages

We can all experience strong
negative or unpleasant emotions, Key Point
such as anger, frustration,
A negative emotional
annoyance, guilt, anxiety, fear,
message needs
sadness, and dejection. Most have a
converting into a
major impact on the quality of our
constructive action.
lives. Therefore, it would seem wise
to create an Autopilot that
automatically sees any negative emotion as a catalyst for change. The
Autopilot could be to refuse to engage with the emotion. Then, to ask the
question: “How can I act constructively to remove these emotions?”
Negative emotions are not there to be endured but are there to prompt us
to act.
What else can you do with a negative
emotion?
A crucial point is to recognise what you can do with a specific negative
emotion. Clearly, some emotions won’t just disappear because you want
them to. However, engaging with them continually isn’t helpful either.
What options have we got? So far, we have used the emotion to form a plan
and act. Alternatively, if this isn’t working, then we can:
Reject the emotion
Replace the emotion with a more beneficial one
Accept the emotion and work with it
Process the emotion
It is a skill to discern which option will be most effective when dealing with
unwelcome emotions. Sometimes, we can use more than one method. Here
are some examples of each:
Reject the emotion
There are many times where we can choose to reject a negative emotion by
just stopping and thinking about how useless or unhelpful it is. We don’t
have to engage with an emotion just because our Chimp has offered it.
There are lots of times when the Chimp could produce nonsensical negative
emotions that we can confront and reject by choice: a cancelled concert,
getting a speeding ticket, getting caught in a traffic jam, making an error,
being delayed; the list is endless.
Replace the emotion with a more beneficial one
Emotions from the Chimp are just a message and they can be interchanged.
Therefore, a negative emotion can be swapped for a positive emotion. For
example, mishaps of all kinds frequently lead to unhelpful emotions.
However, we can sometimes choose to laugh at situations or ourselves, and
replace unhelpful emotions with mirth or amusement. Negative feelings
from self-criticism can be turned into positive feelings by praising effort
and offering self-encouragement.
Accept the emotion and work with it
If we are grieving for a significant loss in our lives, such as a person, a job,
or a friendship, then it’s pointless to try and change or remove this
particular emotion. We will be going into grief reaction in great detail later
in this course but for now we need to understand that this is an emotion that
we have to accept and then work with in order to manage it.
Process the emotion
An example of an emotion that
might need processing would be our Key Point
Chimp’s reaction to failing an
If your negative emotions
important exam. Processing the
continue then you will
emotion means coming to terms with
need to come up with a
it by expressing our feelings and
different plan.
then using rational thinking. It
usually involves talking out loud or
writing down our feelings. We then need to have a plan to move on. Again,
we will go into great detail on how to process life events later in the course.
How to speak to the Chimp in its own

language
The Chimp speaks and understands feelings and emotions, not logic and
facts.
Therefore, it would help to try and speak to the Chimp in its own
language of feelings and emotions. Here is an example of a different way to
get the Chimp to diet with you!
Example: The diet for weight loss
The Chimp goes after food because of the feelings that it gets from eating.
Therefore, if we can speak to the Chimp in terms of feelings, it is much
more likely that we will get our message across.
Before eating, ask your Chimp what it is feeling about the food it is about
to eat. Then ask it how it would feel during the action of eating: both the
positive and negative feelings. Finally, ask it to imagine the meal has ended
and ask it how it would then feel, and again get it to imagine how it would
feel thirty minutes after eating.
Go further by discussing with your Chimp how it will feel, with positive
and negative emotions, the next time you step on to the weighing scales.
By doing an exercise in honest feelings, the Chimp might well be the one
who helps you to eat the way that you want to eat. This is because the
Chimp is likely to be in conflict with two different feelings. Remember that
the Chimp doesn’t work with facts, so don’t add factual details; only speak
with feelings. [69]
Example: Jim and his job loss
Jim is aware that logic and Speak to the Chimp in its own
rationality are not helping to settle language
his Chimp. He appreciates that facts
and common sense are a foreign
language to the Chimp but that it
can communicate fluently in
feelings and emotions. He now
applies this principle to his situation.
Jim has worked for a company for
nearly twenty years. Out of the blue
the company announced that it was
going to make redundancies and Jim
was informed that he was one of those selected. Jim’s Chimp was angry and
upset because it felt that others who were being kept on were not as
dedicated or skilled as he was. This might or might not have been the case
but continuing to state all the facts and logic in the world is unlikely to
placate his Chimp. Jim might fully understand and accept that life is often
unfair, or it could be that he really does understand and accept the
redundancy had to happen, but this still won’t help his Chimp.
Jim has decided to speak to his Chimp with emotions. He asked his
Chimp how long it wanted to be upset for? Would it like to get angrier or
less angry? He asked his Chimp if it would prefer a different emotion?
None of these questions are truly about facts or logic; they are just about
emotion. He asked his Chimp how it wanted to feel and will it achieve this
by using the emotion that it has? Sometimes, the Chimp will change its
stance purely by discussing the emotion it feels.
Unit 8
Reminders
Emotions are usually messages
sent from the Chimp system Key Point
The type of emotion sent is not
Chimps use emotions to
as critical as the message it
dwell on: Humans use
aims to convey
emotions to act on.
Understanding the message and
using it to effect change is a
constructive way forward
Unwelcome emotions are not given to be endured but rather to be seen
as messages to prompt appropriate action
Unit 8
Exercises
1. Choosing the best emotion
2. Managing emotional messages from the Chimp
3. Speaking to your Chimp in its own language
Focus 1: Choosing the best emotion

This focus point overlaps with focus point 3. It is about talking to the
Chimp in its own language by asking it to choose an alternative emotion.
The Chimp often chooses to express an emotion that is unhelpful. Some
questions that you could ask the Chimp are:
What are the alternative emotions that you could choose from?
How will a different emotion make you feel?
What effect will a different emotion have on others around you?
Will an alternative emotion help the situation?
Example: Anger to disappointment

A common emotion to replace ‘anger’ is ‘disappointment’. If your Chimp
can change an emotion to express how it feels, the new emotion can still be
as effective but have a much more positive impact on both your own health
and those around you.
Exercise: Changing to a helpful emotion
The next time you are experiencing a negative emotion, try asking yourself
if there is an alternative more constructive emotion that would do just as
well or even better than the one you are experiencing. Try not to engage
with a negative emotion, which might just give it more energy. Prompt the
Chimp to offer you a new and more constructive emotion to start working
with, so that you can use this new emotion to form a plan for moving
forward.
It is a skill to change emotion but with practice it can be achieved. If you
do find it difficult, try to express out loud the negative emotion and exercise
your Chimp first, before shifting across to a more beneficial emotion.
Focus 2: Managing emotional messages

from the Chimp
This exercise is about managing unwelcome emotional messages,
interpreting these messages and then coming up with some plans from the
Human.
Exercise: Interpreting and acting
Think of possible interpretations of an unwelcome feeling or emotion from
your Chimp or Computer and then decide on what action to take. If you
struggle, speak the emotion out with a friend, as they can often see the
interpretation and solution.
Forming a table might help to structure how you convert emotions into
actions. You might want to personalise it by adding additional rows – for
example, who could I call on to help me to get this right?
Practical table to convert emotional messages into actions

What is the emotion being
expressed?
Why did the Chimp send
this message?
Is this my Chimp or a belief
from my Computer?
If it is my Chimp –
What constructive action do
I convert the emotion into?
If it is my Computer –
What belief do I have to
challenge and replace?
If I can’t act immediately,
when do I put my plan into
action?
How will I celebrate when I
have completed the task?
Focus 3: Speaking to your Chimp in its own

language
Exercise: Speaking in emotional language
This is an exercise in working with your Chimp rather than trying to box it
with truths. If your Chimp has strong emotions, and logic doesn’t appear to
be working, try to allow your emotions expression. Then, talk to your
Chimp about how long it wants to have the feelings it has and how it might
feel in an hour’s time or a week’s time or even longer. By asking the Chimp
about how quickly its emotions and mood can change, it can help the
Chimp to recognise that its own emotions can be fickle and change rapidly.
Unit 9
Disguised emotional messages
explained
Unit 9: will unravel the disguised and potentially confusing
emotional messages sent by the mind. Managing emotional
scars and ghost emotions is also covered with panic attacks
used as an example.
Types of ‘disguised’ emotional

messages
When the Chimp sends us a message in the
form of an emotion, it isn’t always
appropriate or straightforward. The Chimp’s
message can often be confusing or
misleading, for example, inappropriate
laughter instead of sadness or suppressed
fear presenting as numbness. [163] [167] [168]
Making sense of emotional messages will
help with understanding and managing
emotions in general. We will consider seven
specific ways by which the Chimp
communicates with emotion:
1. Straightforward appropriate emotion
2. Replaced or altered emotion
3. Over-emphasised emotion
4. Displaced emotion
5. Mixed emotions
6. Suppressed and repressed emotions
7. Projected emotion
There are so many possible interpretations to every emotion experienced
that only you can decipher what is going on in your unique situation. To
demonstrate these different types of messages, we will look at several
examples to offer some insights into the way the Chimp works.
1. Straightforward appropriate
emotion
Straightforward emotions need little explanation. They are appropriate to
the setting and can be easily understood. Examples would include: getting
annoyed with someone who is deliberately being obstructive, or feeling sad
when someone tells you gloomy news. These are both appropriate reactions
to the situation and easy to interpret and act on.
2. Replaced or altered emotion

Sometimes the Chimp will operate by replacing an expected emotion with a
different one. [167] [168] [83] [169] This is usually because some emotions are
easier to express than others.
For example, anger is easier to express than grief. It is well recognised
that after a significant loss, people can experience intense anger and might
direct this at someone close by. [170] [171] [172] [173] Remaining angry can
prevent the grieving process from progressing, so it is worth recognising
when an emotion has been replaced. When the anger has been recognised as
replacing grief, grief can be addressed and this will cause the anger to
subside.
Frustration that hasn’t been
addressed can alter its presentation Key Point
and turn into anger. The Chimp has Many of the Chimp’s
turned the feelings of internal preferred emotions are
frustration into anger so that it can easier to express than the
direct this outwardly. Again, the more appropriate
answer is to go back and address the emotions.
original emotion of frustration.
When frustration is addressed and
removed, the anger will subside. The commonest cause of frustration is
approaching a situation with unrealistic expectations. Therefore, changing
expectations to more realistic ones can remove the frustration.
When a replaced emotion occurs it is worth trying to work out what would
be the more appropriate emotion. When you choose the appropriate emotion
the replacement or substitute emotion usually subsides.
For example, if we encounter
setbacks, frustration is easier to Key Point
express than disappointment. Both
It is always worth
might be a reasonable reaction to a
considering what
situation, but the Chimp will
alternative emotion you
substitute and alter the emotion to its
could use if the one you
preferred way of reacting. [174] [175] are experiencing is not
By recognising this, we can opt to constructive.
go with disappointment and work
with this to resolve any setbacks.
When we say we are frustrated, it sends a message back to our own mind
that could result in us having further negative feelings. Whereas, if we say
we are disappointed, then it sends a message back to our mind that could
calm it down with a feeling of acceptance.
By opting to use a different emotion the Chimp will express itself in a
different way.
Example: A relationship loss
It’s interesting to note that when people fall in love they usually face the
world and all of its challenges with a new sense of confidence. However,
when a relationship ends the opposite can occur. This complete loss of
confidence in most areas of their life can be devastating. If this
disproportionate reaction can be recognised and accepted, then it could be
restricted to just one area of life: the lost relationship. The loss of
confidence can also be changed into the more appropriate sense of
uncertainty.
3. Over emphasised emotion
Some reactions and expressed
emotions from the Chimp are over
emphasised and appear to be out of
proportion to the situation. [69]
Whenever this happens, it is usual to
find that there are beliefs
underpinning the reaction. In other
words, the Computer system has a
Gremlin fuelling the Chimp to react.
[176]
Here are two examples of
underpinning beliefs: one showing an undermining influence and one
showing an intensifying influence.
Example: The critical remark – an undermining influence from beliefs
Tony has a belief that his line
manager does not value him. When Key Point
Tony hands some work across to his
If there are unhelpful
line manager, the line manager
beliefs then they need to
comments that the details would
be found and replaced
have been better set out in a table.
with helpful beliefs.
Tony’s Chimp then reacts by feeling
terrible and uses this single comment to confirm to himself that he is not
valued. This theme is a common one.
The resolution: Tony first checks out the truth behind his belief. By talking
directly to the line manager, he can ask what the line manager feels about
Tony’s work. If he needs help then this can be sought; if he is doing well
and he is valued then this can be established. It would also help to ask the
line manager how he operates. If he makes comments that he doesn’t feel
strongly about, then they are only suggestions not criticisms. Frequently
people in positions of authority might make remarks that are not criticisms
but just throwaway comments. It’s important for Tony to know how the line
manager operates. By establishing these facts Tony will have a better basis
to work from. The over-emphasised emotion in reaction to the comment can
then be prevented.
Example: The sales result – an intensifying influence from beliefs
Arlene works for a small company that sells novelty gifts. Her belief is that
the gifts will soon become very popular and that the company will therefore
prosper. A small contract has arrived in the post and Arlene has reacted
with great enthusiasm. Her colleagues can’t understand why she is so
excited by such a small contract. To her Chimp, it represents an indication
that her beliefs are right and hence the apparently over-emphasised
emotion. Our beliefs will give energy to our emotions, so it is important to
check what beliefs we hold about situations that can provoke over-
emphasised emotional responses.
4. Displaced emotion
Displaced emotion occurs when an appropriate emotion is removed from its
context and placed somewhere else. [169] [175] A simple example would be,
when someone has a bad day at work and comes home and shouts at the cat.
The cat didn’t do anything; it was just the recipient of the person’s
frustration at work. The emotion could have been appropriately expressed
to the right person at work rather than brought home and displaced onto the
cat. It is not unusual for us to displace emotion onto people who are close to
us, rather than express emotion in its rightful setting.
Not all displaced emotion is negative. A particular displaced emotion can
sometimes be seen when someone cares for others rather than looking after
themselves. Looking after others is good, but not if you are neglecting
yourself. If you are in need of some care and attention yourself, then it’s not
wise to displace your own needs.
Example: It’s not about the goldfish
Some years ago during a hospital clinic, I was presented with a common
scenario. I think you will find this example easy to follow and see what was
happening, before we even reach the end of the story! A new patient, (we
will call him George) had arrived along with a friend at the outpatient
clinic.
The friend insisted on seeing me alone
first and was very keen to explain what had
happened to George. George was a young
man who had a good job and lived alone.
He said that George had lost his wife about
two years earlier and had not really engaged
socially since then. He told me that George
loved his wife; but when she unexpectedly
died, he had shown no sign of emotion at
all. All of his friends were surprised and
wondered why he hadn’t grieved.
Time passed and after two years George’s pet goldfish died. When the
goldfish died George fell apart and cried his heart out. The friend was
amazed and said that it seemed like George loved the goldfish more than his
wife. After the goldfish died, George couldn’t hold his life together and
there were serious concerns for his psychological health, and he needed
assessment. The friend asked, “Why did George love the goldfish so
much?”.
Once I had the full picture, it was quite obvious what was happening.
George had not been able to grieve for his wife and had suppressed his
emotions for two years. The death of the goldfish gave an opportunity to
displace and express his bottled up emotion. It turned out that several years
earlier George and his wife had been to a funfair and won the goldfish on
the day of their wedding anniversary. The goldfish became symbolic to
George and he felt that through the goldfish he still had a link to his wife.
The death of the fish symbolised the death of his marriage and his wife, and
hence the grief began. Displaced emotion is very common. I explained this
to George’s friend and told him, it’s not about the goldfish. His friend
looked at me puzzled. He then said, “So, why did George love the goldfish
so much?”.
Our Chimp’s emotional circuits
operate by expressing emotion but Key Point
very frequently displace it where it
Try to ask yourself if the
doesn’t belong. [69] This can lead to
emotion that you are
all kinds of problems, especially to
experiencing is in line with
those who are on the receiving end. the situation and if not,
Displaced emotion and suppressed search for any unresolved
emotion can both work together and matters that you may be
cause problems in your current life, holding on to and not
but actually relate to past addressing.
experiences that have not been dealt
with. [177] [169] Recognising
displaced emotion is not always easy.
5. Mixed emotion
Mixed emotions are common and are just the Chimp looking at a situation
or problem from different angles and then reacting to each one. [178] A few
simple examples will demonstrate how they occur.
Example: The lost child
Teresa had gone to the shopping precinct Mixed emotions need
with her four-year-old child Bruce. While separating in order to
she was distracted, Bruce had wandered off deal with them
and got lost. On realising what had
happened, Teresa’s Chimp had gone into a
panic and began frantically searching for
the child. After twenty minutes, which
seemed like an eternity to her, the child was
found. Teresa’s Chimp could now see the
situation from two different angles and
therefore produced a mixed emotional
picture. She could present as annoyed or
she could present as relieved. It would not
be surprising to see her both hugging the
child and chastising him at the same time. This mixed ‘attack’ and
‘protection’ of the child is not confusing if we can see why it is occurring.
Complex mixed emotions need insight and understanding if they are to
make sense.
Example: Colin and the death of a suffering relative
Colin had a great relationship with his father. Unfortunately, Colin’s father
had been slowly deteriorating with Alzheimer’s disease for several years.
His father had suffered and been increasingly distressed by the confused
state that he had developed. Colin struggled with this for years and now
with the death of his father, Colin has mixed feelings.
It is always sad and often painful to lose a relative that we love.
However, if the relative is ill and suffering, you can reasonably expect to
have mixed emotions. On the one hand, you can view the situation as the
loss of a loved person, which hurts, and you wish they were still here. On
the other hand, you see a person who is suffering or is no longer
recognisable as themselves, and it is a relief to see them released from
suffering. This relief can present as inappropriate guilt.
Dealing with these two different emotions might require two different
approaches. It is better to express each emotion separately then address it,
before tackling the next emotion.
Colin can first discuss the reasonable sense of relief and inappropriate
guilt before allowing the grief to be expressed.
Example: Eli and the separation
Eli has recently found his marriage in difficulty and, at the request of his
wife, they are undergoing a trial separation. He has found his emotions are
jumping all over the place. He wrote down the several emotions that he was
experiencing.
These included:
Fear
Loss of interest in everything
Feelings of low self-esteem
Anger
Self-loathing
Yearning
As he addressed each one, they made sense and the reasons underpinning
them could then be addressed. For example, his self-loathing made sense
when he realised that he was blaming himself for the break-up and was
searching for all the things he felt he could have done better. It might be
very helpful to reflect on what happened and how he could change things in
the future, but to allow destructive self-loathing is unhelpful in the extreme.
6. Suppressed and repressed emotion

Previously in this course, we considered why it was important not to stifle
emotion. Here, we return to look at this in more detail.
Suppressed emotion is when we consciously push an emotional reaction
down within our minds, ignore it, and don’t allow it to be given any
expression or attention. [83] [179] [180] This is different to rejecting a Chimp’s
offer of emotion. Rejecting an offer means we have addressed it, made a
decision, and let the Chimp know.
Repressed emotion is when we unconsciously push an emotion down
within our minds, so that we might not even be aware we are pushing it
down and ignoring it. [181]
Whenever we bury an emotion

within our minds, it will try to find
expression.[182] This expression
might not be recognised as
belonging to the suppressed or
repressed emotion. [183] It is
understandable that as we go
through life some events and
experiences might be too painful to
deal with at the time, and become
lost in our unconscious mind.
Suppressed and repressed
From time to time we might recall
emotions don’t usually stay
these events, but avoid addressing buried!
them again. The effect this has will
vary tremendously from person to person, depending on a host of factors.
However, the result of suppression or repression is usually a feeling within,
that all is not well. Suppressed or repressed emotion can change and present
in any form, such as being depressed, anxious, angry, unsettled, or with low
self-esteem. [184] [185] These emotions usually result in unwelcome
behaviour. For example, if someone was abused as a child and has not come
to terms with this, it can cause maladaptive behaviours to develop. [183]
Example: Olive and confidence issues
Olive works in a small shop and has a woman as her line manager. There
have been several incidents involving Olive and her line manager feels that
things are not going to work out. The three incidents were as follows:
Olive reacted with verbal aggression towards the line manager when
the line manager asked Olive to re-count the till monies, as they didn’t
seem to add up.
The second incident was when Olive was arranging a display in the
shop window. She suddenly broke down and had to be given time out
because she felt that the display was not good.
The final incident was when Olive had tried to help a customer by
packing her bag, but the customer told Olive she might be better
employed serving the next customer. Olive then shouted at the
customer and told the customer she was only trying to be helpful. The
line manager had to intervene and apologise to the customer.
The line manager concluded that Olive had an unsuitable temperament to
work in the shop.
The three incidents are not the problem. The problem was that Olive’s
mother had psychologically abused Olive during her childhood. Olive could
recall many occasions where her mother would control her and criticise her.
This led Olive to have low self-esteem. As the issues from childhood had
not been addressed, in her case, they had continued into Olive’s adult life.
Olive herself would probably not be aware that her unconscious mind was
reliving some of the abuse. It isn’t surprising that any female line manager
might be perceived by Olive’s Chimp to be disempowering her and being
critical of her. At the same time, Olive will be self-critical because her
Chimp will be searching for evidence to prove that she is incompetent.
Even a friendly word from a customer could be taken the wrong way. With
help, Olive can turn all of this around, address her past, and not allow her
past to influence how she behaves today.
Many of us carry some buried emotions and when we are ready, it would
be good to address them. It can be helpful for anyone to deal with past
issues in a constructive way with a trained therapist who can guide the
person through.
7. Projected emotion
Occasionally we project our feelings and beliefs onto other people. [186]
This means we are not comfortable with the feelings or beliefs we have, so
we get rid of these feelings or beliefs by imagining that they belong to
someone else. We literally believe that someone else is experiencing the
beliefs and feelings. When we confront them about ‘their’ feelings and
beliefs, it is not surprising that they might be baffled or disgruntled. The
simplest example can be seen in children in a playground.
Example: Rick, Paul and Lucy
Rick quite likes Lucy, but he feels embarrassed to say so. His friend Paul is
standing next to him when Lucy approaches. Rick’s Chimp says to Lucy,
“My friend fancies you”. Rick has projected his feelings onto Paul. Rick
actually believes that Paul has these feelings and will become upset if Paul
denies it.
Example: The patient and doctor
Jake is a patient in hospital being visited by his friend Mahmud. Jake is
happy with his treatment, but Mahmud doesn’t think the treatment is good
enough.
The doctor comes to the bed and asks Jake how he is doing. Jake is about
to say, “I feel fine” because he actually does feel fine, but before he can
speak Mahmud’s Chimp jumps in. “Well doctor, Jake does not feel fine
because he doesn’t think you are doing enough for him”. Jake is alarmed
and disputes this and Mahmud gets upset. Projecting emotions is common
in teenagers. For example, if a teenager doesn’t like someone they often
accuse that person of not liking them. It’s often a cry for reassurance; the
teenager wants to be liked by the person.
Managing projected emotions

If you can recognise a projected emotion it is worth trying to address the
real concern behind it, without uncovering the projection and challenging it.
For example, the patient in the scenario above could have tactfully
explained that perhaps they were giving the wrong impression, but then go
on to clarify that they were really happy with the treatment. For the
teenager example, simply expressing reassurances that they are liked, and
giving examples of what is likeable about them, could resolve the problem.
It usually doesn’t help to confront someone who is projecting emotions with
the fact that they are doing this. This will usually bring denial in the person
and further problems.
Real emotions and ‘Ghost emotions’

The Human and Chimp work differently when it comes to awareness of
time. [187] [188] When we are operating in Human mode, we are able to
recognise that emotions are specific to a fixed time. We can re-live
memories in our head and experience the emotions again but still recognise
that they don’t belong to today. [189] When we are operating in Chimp
mode, we will not be able to put a time period to emotions. The Chimp does
not have an awareness of time. Emotional experiences happen outside of
time for the Chimp. It can suddenly experience an emotion from years ago
and feel it just as strong and real today. [14] Our Chimp re-lives the
experience, as if it is happening now. [190]
The real emotions: We will call the emotions that we experience in
response to everyday situations that are happening to us now, the ‘real
emotions’. They are in the ‘here and now’.
The ghost emotions: These are the negative emotions that emerge from
our past experiences and suddenly appear to haunt us! These ghost
emotions appear from ‘emotional scars’; experiences that have significantly
affected us and memories that we have to learn to live with, that we have
already processed. Here are some examples of emotional scars that can
bring back these ghost emotions:
Losing someone very close to you
Failing in something that was important to you
Making a mistake that had severe consequences
Being let down by someone who meant a lot to you
Being unjustly treated or misrepresented
The Human can distinguish between real emotions and ghost
emotions
The Chimp cannot distinguish between real emotions and ghost

emotions
These are the type of ‘emotional scars’ that we can obtain as we go through
life. They are painful events and we often visit them from time to time,
almost trying to change what happened. We have processed the events but
somehow they seem to reappear because they have become scars that we
have to learn to live with. It is these scars that produce the ghost emotions
that haunt us. These are emotions that belong to the past and really don’t
help us in the here and now. They are redundant messages.
Why is it important to distinguish

between real emotions and ghost
emotions?
Real emotions can be dealt with as they are happening. This means, for
example, we could re-think about why we are getting the emotion and then
work to remove or replace it. We can treat this as an emotional message and
act on this.
Ghost emotions are much more difficult to work with because they are
fixed on an event, which we can’t change. The event has become a painful
memory, so it will keep presenting itself. We are going to look at how to
deal with emotionally painful past events in due course, but here we are
going to look at how we manage the emotion that presents. Of course, it’s
best to deal with the memory of the event if we can, but the reality is that it
will often remain and we have to manage it, as it presents.
Managing Ghost emotions

Ghost emotions are best dealt with by recognising they are not in real time
and if the event has been processed, refusing to engage with the emotions.
Ghosts are effectively a learnt emotional reaction from the past, rather than
a message. [14]
Example: Panic attacks
Panic attacks are a very common experience. Panic attacks turn into ghost
emotions, so it is worth looking at them, as a way of managing this
particular example of a ghost emotion.
Panic attacks are a cluster of symptoms that can appear unexpectedly and
are extremely severe in nature. [191] They have two aspects to them.
1. The first aspect is a group of physical symptoms, such as a very rapid
pounding heart, sweating, feeling nauseous or faint, or shaking.
2. The second aspect is a group of beliefs that accompany the symptoms,
such as a belief that the person is dying (possibly from a heart attack),
about to faint, vomit, or lose control.
A panic attack starts with the Chimp

The sense of panic is overwhelming and a terrifying experience to have.
Repeat panic attacks can be seen as an emotional experience rather than an
emotional message. There is nothing that your Chimp is asking you to do
with these symptoms and therefore they represent an experience rather than
a message to be acted upon. Therefore, our Human role is to learn to
manage the symptoms. The initial panic attack could arguably be seen as a
message from the Chimp to the Human to sort out whatever is causing the
attack, but after that, if the cause has been sorted, repeat attacks no longer
act as a message. [191]
Once addressed, the panic attacks subside slowly with less and less
occurring but they still do occur, and therefore present as ghosts. These
ghost attacks can take a few weeks to several years to vanish and
occasionally they might even appear to gain strength, but in reality they will
fade with time.
The main point here, is that in
order to manage these ghosts they
need to be recognised for what they
are: inappropriate symptoms that
need to be discounted from being
important. They are just repeating a
learnt pattern of behaviour and
appear unpredictably. [192] So the
question is: if these are just ghosts
from the past and have no relevance
to today, how do I stop them from
happening? The starting point is to
recognise that when these symptoms
occur, your Chimp is engaging with them and then panicking even more.
You have to decide that enough is enough and take the lead. Only you can
do this.
To be clear:
The Chimp experiences the symptoms and engages with them
The Human rationalises the symptoms and takes control of the
situation
Taking the lead won’t immediately stop the panic attacks, but with time
they will subside and finally disappear.
The method of removing the panic attacks is three fold:
Manage the physical symptoms
Manage the beliefs
Recognise them as redundant messages
I have worked with countless sufferers of panic attacks, as they are a very
common experience and extremely unpleasant. Once the sufferer comes to
accept that these attacks are not dangerous just very unpleasant and
inconvenient, they begin to manage them and then finally to ignore them.
The anticipation of an attack is usually worse than the attack itself and
again this anticipation needs to be addressed.
There are lots of excellent websites online to explain how to manage
panic attacks. Here are the fundamentals of the management:
Managing the physical symptoms
Whatever symptoms you are experiencing:
Slow your breathing down
Try to find somewhere quiet
Tighten then relax your muscles
Do some activity to take your thoughts off the symptoms
Try to focus on something pleasant that will distract you
In other words, take control and have a plan.
Managing the beliefs
Check your beliefs before and during the attack:
You will not come to harm from a panic attack
The attack will usually be short and you will fully recover
You might feel you can’t breathe but you will be fine
Panic attacks don’t kill people and don’t do any long-term damage
It’s important to make sure that you manage your thoughts during an attack.
Otherwise your mind will run wild and cause the symptoms to feel worse.
Recognising the panic attacks as redundant messages
If you have resolved any causes of the attacks, then:
Recognise that these are Ghosts: a habit
They stem from a memory, not a current situation
You need to disengage and give them no time or energy
This isn’t easy but will work if you persist. If things don’t improve then
clearly get professional help. Clinical psychologists and other therapists are
experts in this area.
Ghost emotions can become a

problem in their own right!
Ghost emotions typically come from emotional scars. To avoid engaging
with these ghost emotions it is important to recognise they are not current.
You have the choice to disengage and refuse to give them energy. For
example, when a relationship ends there will be some time needed to
process the pain and give yourself some compassion. However, when you
do get back onto your feet, it is important to recognise when a ghost
emotion has appeared, and not to give it any of your time.
If you do engage with a ghost
emotion, then you will keep re-
enforcing it, so that it will keep
coming back. [193] [194] The ghost
emotion then becomes a separate
problem in its own right. Being
trapped for years by ghosts is not
helpful. Decide when you want to Ghost emotions can be ignored
move on and reject the ghosts.
Unit 9
Reminders
Emotional messages are often disguised and need to be recognised and
understood if they are to be managed correctly
Some emotions are not responses in real time, but responses to past
experiences
Once an emotion has been processed, beware the ghosts from
emotional scars!
Unit 9
Exercises
1. Mixed emotions untangled
2. Real messages and ghosts
Focus 1: Mixed emotions untangled

Whenever we have an emotional response to a situation that involves
conflict or uncertainty, there is usually a mixture of emotions.
Exercise: Untangling emotions
This exercise is about working with emotions and not just expressing them.
When you next experience conflict or uncertainty, untangle the different
emotions and then address each one by searching for underpinning beliefs.
When you have worked out the beliefs that are causing a particular emotion,
check that these beliefs are rational and truthful. If they are, then try and
work with them to make plans. If the beliefs are unrealistic then challenge
them and change them into truthful realistic beliefs, before working with
them.
The usual reason that emotions don’t pass is that they result from a
situation that is being fought against instead of been worked with.
Focus 2: Real messages and ghosts

An ‘emotional scar’ is a term I use to describe the unpleasant memory of an
event in our lives. It remains with us and comes to life from time-to-time or
even feels like it is there all of the time. It seems like whatever we do, we
cannot process the event. These negative emotions are ‘ghosts’ of the event.
We don’t have to engage an emotion just because it comes into our head. If
we can’t stop our Chimps from engaging, then we can revisit the event and
try and replace the negative emotions with different more constructive and
appropriate emotions.
Example: Carlos and school bullying
Carlos was doing well at school and was quite happy until a new boy
arrived. This boy began to bully Carlos. Carlos did all the right things in
standing up for himself and reporting the bullying as it occurred. Despite
doing all the right things, the bullying continued and Carlos felt
unsupported and dejected. After leaving school, Carlos managed to obtain a
good job and the support of his company. The bullying had gone from his
life. However, Carlos kept on getting unwelcome emotions when the past
events entered his head. If Carlos just can’t gain some perspective and put
to bed his past experiences, then he can make a decision. He can decide to
simply refuse to allow his Chimp to engage with the emotions, whenever he
is reminded of the bullying he had endured. Ideally he needs to process the
event, but occasionally in life we are stuck with an emotional scar.
Exercise: Managing the ghosts of an emotional scar
Some events that you have experienced might have left some emotional
scars. If you have tried to process these and they do not seem to be going
away, then try to apply the principles involved here. We can learn to
recognise the emotional ghosts as not being applicable to the current day,
and try and exchange the emotions for more appropriate ones or simply
refuse to allow our Chimp from engaging with them. Try to recognise when
emotions are ghosts and bring yourself back to the current time and live in
the moment.
Unit 10
Expressing emotion with
insight and change
Unit 10: will cover how to express emotion effectively and
constructively. We will look at exercising the Chimp with
understanding and change, and how to address emotions that
are bubbling under the surface.
How do we express emotion

effectively and constructively?
Expressing emotion is something we
do automatically every day. There
are ways of making this expression
effective and constructive, as
opposed to ineffective and
destructive. Emotion channelled in a
positive way can bring about
beneficial changes. [195] [196]
The following examples
demonstrate some of the effective
ways in which to express emotion
and also some of the pitfalls of not
constructively expressing emotion.
It’s not what you say; It’s often what

you don’t say
When people interact with each other, one of the problems is not what they
say but often what they don’t say. We share our lives with partners, family
and friends and so many of us forget to let them know what they mean to
us. It isn’t that we take them for
granted; it is usually that we just
assume that they know what they
mean to us.
The Human part of the brain
might very well appreciate this point
but the Chimp characteristically
doesn’t. Our Chimp needs to be
continually reassured. [197] It will
vary from person to person but
generally there is a need for
appreciation and being loved. [198]
[199] There is also a need to feel
welcomed and wanted. If you feel this way towards any individual it might
be worth letting them know. For many, it will be a boost to their self-esteem
and a reassurance to their Chimp. [199] [200]
Example: Silence can be costly
Rachel and her partner Jane have been together as a couple for many years.
However, they don’t communicate their feelings towards each other very
easily. Rachel has always had the belief that Jane knows how much she
feels about her and this is said by her actions. The potential pitfall here is
that Jane may well understand this, as a Human, but her Chimp might not.
The Chimp usually needs constant verbal reassurances and if it doesn’t get
this, then it starts to reinterpret intentions. [197] It would help if Rachel gave
just five minutes a day to express what she feels towards Jane, and also
express her appreciation that Jane makes a choice, every day, to stay with
her. Reassurances can prevent Chimp uneasiness.
Expressing positive feelings

If you try to check on how you feel throughout the day, you might be
surprised by how many positive feelings you experience but do not express.
If we don’t express feelings such as happiness, gratitude, sense of well-
being, and so on, they can go unrecognised. Having asked people to
specifically look for positive emotions throughout the day and then to
express these verbally, they report back that when they do this, life seems
better. Expressing positive feelings It helps to recognise the good
and demonstrating these seems to emotions we have regularly
make the feelings come to life. [195]
[196]
The moaning habit removed

- From Gremlin to Autopilot
Our Chimps can learn to act in certain ways and this behaviour can then be
stored in the Computer as a Gremlin or an Autopilot. [33] [110] The Chimp is
not only scanning for danger but also for situations that it is not happy with.
[55] The problem is that if we leave our Chimps unchecked then they can
develop a habit of moaning and complaining: the moaning Gremlin! [201]
[202] The Gremlin and Chimp then take it in turns to just moan or complain.
Here, we have a Gremlin mimicking the Chimp. We are all susceptible to
this Gremlin because every day there will be times when things don’t go the
way that we want them to. When the Gremlin takes over and acts, the
Chimp isn’t actually reacting at all. The Computer has become programmed
to moan, every time something happens that we don’t like or want. This is
so fast, that we almost do it without realising that we are moaning
habitually.[201] If you can recognise this, then try and develop an Autopilot
of acceptance and solution finding, so that every time something
unwelcome happens, you learn to respond positively, even with a smile.
A constructive response to unwelcome situations
Try to develop an Autopilot that instantly sees a negative outcome as

something to overcome or learn from.
Example: The traffic lights
Jim is travelling by car and is gradually moving into Chimp mode because
it seems that every time he approaches a traffic light it turns red. His Chimp
is stirring with irritability and impatience. It has personalised the red lights
as being aimed at him. His Chimp expresses that the whole system is
ridiculous and needs changing. His Chimp has now decided to engage in a
battle with the traffic lights. It races the car towards each light but still fails
to win, which brings more anger and expletives. Before he had reached this
absurd place, he could have set up an Autopilot that asks him to consider
why he is experiencing this agitation and where else it might be appearing
in his life? These unhealthy emotions could be a sign of stress, learnt
impatience, feelings of low self-esteem, loss of perspective, being over-
tired, unresolved problems or a whole host of other reasons. [203] In order to
stop the same impatience presenting in other areas of his life, it could be
very useful for Jim to stop and reflect on what he needs to address. If he
feels it is just a straightforward reaction to the traffic lights then he can deal
with this, but some reflection might be revealing.
We tend to repeat behaviours
across all aspects of our life, not just Key Point
limit them to one situation. [193] [194]
We can learn about
An alternative response to the red
ourselves from our
traffic lights, which might be more
Chimp’s reaction.
rational, is saying to his Chimp that
life doesn’t always go the way we want it to and the traffic lights are not
personally trying to wind me up! Therefore, I could use the red traffic lights
to relax for a few minutes and reduce the tension I seem to be under. With
some inventiveness, you can change most irritants into a point of learning
or a trigger to stop and reflect.
Provoking the Chimp in others

Expressing your emotion towards another person can be a productive or
destructive thing to do. Before expressing your emotion, it is helpful to
consider what affect this will have on the other person, and is this what you
want to achieve.
Example: The untidy person
Suppose you have a colleague or flatmate who is very untidy and this is
irritating you. Your intention might be to try to get them to see how their
untidiness is affecting you and also to get them to try and be tidier in the
future. If you know these are your intended outcomes, then consider how
you want to express your emotion and what approach you need to make, in
order to achieve your outcomes. Therefore, it is important not to allow your
Chimp to attack the person by directing negative emotion at them. You
might feel that it will achieve what you want from the person and you might
well be right, but there are usually much better ways of engaging.
Negative emotion directed at anyone is very likely to provoke his or her
Chimp to defend or attack. These are the most natural Chimp reactions. [41]
Allowing yourself to get into Human mode will bring in reasoning and also
an awareness of the possible consequences of your actions. Reasoning can
be an alternative and more helpful way to work than expressing emotion.
However, if your Chimp also wants or needs to express itself, then ask
yourself if this can be done constructively. So, you could try explaining
how it makes you feel, when you see untidiness. You could also express
how you feel when things are tidy.
The problem, with a situation like this, is that you might find you have
very different values or acceptable limits from your flatmate or partner, for
things such as tidiness. If this happens, then your choice is to accept that it
is likely to always be this way or to move yourself out of the situation, if
possible. It can also be the case that there are solutions but that your Chimp
just doesn’t want to accept any of them. It’s always helpful to ask yourself
if the problem lies within yourself and what you could do to help. For
example, think of the obvious: could your Chimp be more tolerant or less
critical?
Example: Fay and her untidy husband
Some years ago, I had a patient who
was struggling with depression. He Key Point
had responded to treatment and was Sometimes, we have to
back for a review and was now accept that life doesn’t
doing well. Despite all efforts by his always run the way we
wife, Fay, to encourage him, he was want it to: A useful
still very untidy and this was
Autopilot is to accept this
distressing her. Fay explained that he
and change our stance.
had always been untidy but she
couldn’t accept it and was aware that
she was nagging him. It was clear that this man would never be as tidy as
Fay wanted him to be. Some people are better than others with organisation
skills! Her husband did not feel he had a problem with untidiness. Years of
disgruntlement and no change were now taking their toll. Fay had a choice,
she could either accept that this aspect of her husband wouldn’t change or
she could walk away and see if someone else will accept him, as he is. After
thinking about this, Fay said that she realised that she would rather have an
untidy husband than no husband at all. Sometimes we have to decide to
change our stance and accept a situation. Only the Human can do this; a
Chimp can’t.
Exercising the Chimp without

criticising others
Situations involving conflict or frustration are never easy to manage. Our
Chimps usually express emotions that are unhelpful. [7] [3] A constructive
way to exercise your Chimp, rather than express emotion, is to allow your
Chimp to ask non-critical and non-judgemental questions. Asking questions
to someone can bring about changes in their behaviour because they will be
able to reflect on what you are asking and what they offer as answers. [204]
[205]
Example: The critical parent

Tom’s father constantly criticises him, which he finds irritating. Tom is a
twenty-eight year-old man and he resents the approach his father is taking
with him. If Tom unhelpfully expresses the emotion he feels towards his
father then it is likely to create further problems. Even if Tom feels better
for doing this, will it achieve what Tom wants in the long run?
Expression of emotion aimed at people

Tom says he wants an adult relationship with his father and would like his
father to respect his feelings. One approach that Tom can use is to ask
questions that might help his father to go into Human mode and to reflect
on what is being said. For example, Tom could ask what relationship his
father would like to have with him, now that he is twenty-eight. Clearly this
must be done with the appropriate tone of voice! Tom could also let his
father know what he hopes for their relationship and ask if his father wants
the same. Tom can ask what effect the father thinks his criticism is having
on Tom. If Tom can remain non-emotional it is likely that the father will
eventually stop expressing emotion and be able to have a calm discussion.
Most people when approached in this way, will at first be in Chimp mode
and have an emotional reaction to the questions. However, they will then
calm down and move into Human mode if they appreciate that the questions
are being posed in a non-judgemental way and as a means of obtaining a
constructive outcome.
Exercising the Chimp with insight and

change
This section is quite a critical one because it is important to understand that
exercising the Chimp isn’t just about letting off steam.
Letting off steam can be useful in
its own right; however, exercising Key Point
the Chimp doesn’t need to end with Whenever you exercise
just expressing emotion. To exercise your Chimp try to
the Chimp effectively we need to understand why it needed
have some insight into why it
to exercise because this
reacted in the first place and then do
might bring about change
something about this to prevent it
in your own beliefs or
from occurring again. Many people
approach.
that I work with initially fall short of
this and think that exercising their
Chimp is only about an emotional outpouring. Understanding why your
Chimp needs to be exercised in the first place, and addressing this, can
improve the quality of your life.
Therefore, effective exercising of the Chimp really has three parts to it:
1. Expressing emotion constructively
2. Finding out what caused the emotion
3. Making changes to see it doesn’t happen again
Example: The supervisor

Pearl is a supervisor in an office and
her Chimp has become agitated Key Point
because her employees have not
Reacting to an outcome
delivered the work expected of
without looking at the
them. She has let out her Chimp and
cause usually leads to a
expressed into the air her frustrations
repeat of the situation and
with the situation and finally calmed
a repeat of the emotions.
down. Now with a smile, she begins
again to solve the problem.
However, she hasn’t really addressed the true reason for the Chimp’s
agitation because she has not considered what provoked it in the first place.
It might be disappointing that the work wasn’t delivered but it could be, for
example, that her expectations of what can be delivered are unrealistic and
this is the real reason for the agitation. Alternatively, it could be that the
colleagues need support and training in order to do the work. Therefore,
Pearl will only keep repeating the scenario of agitation without moving
forward, until she understands that the solution could lie within her or be
achieved by giving support to her colleagues.
Example: Adele and the repeated worry
Adele has a repeated pattern of
allowing her Chimp to worry about
what people think about her.
Whenever she reads an unfavourable
comment on social media, her
Chimp worries about who is reading
it and what they will think.
When she experiences this, she
talks to her close friends who
reassure her Chimp and after a few
days Adele feels better. It’s great
that Adele has taken the first step of exercising her Chimp by talking to her
friends. However, this isn’t really effective exercise because it is a repeat
pattern and the cause of her Chimp’s worry is not being addressed.
How can Adele address the cause? We first need to find the cause. If we
ask Adele to tell us what she thinks, it’s likely that she will eventually be
able to express the situation something like this:
“I find unfavourable comments destructive because I don’t have a
great relationship with myself and I have no answer to the comments”
“My Chimp worries about what everybody thinks about me”
These would be common thoughts for many people in this situation. If we
then ask: “How would you like things to be?”, we might get a different
answer.
Now Adele’s Human will answer:
“I want to have a great relationship with myself”
“I want to be able to accept that comments are opinions and not facts”
“I want to dismiss opinions that do not matter to me”
These are the statements that need to be implemented in order to prevent
her Chimp from reacting to any unfavourable comments made.
Each statement needs to be worked on to establish them within the
Computer. Her Chimp also needs reassurance that it is never alone with
these things and her friends are there with her.
Following up after expressing

emotion
Whenever we express emotion towards others, we usually need the people
who are receiving it to understand why we are reacting and also
acknowledge what we are experiencing. One of the reasons we express
emotion is to communicate our feelings to others so that they will
understand. [86] [87] [88] After you have expressed emotion, it will help you
immensely to follow it through with the other person and check to see if
they have understood why you have expressed emotion. If they do
understand then usually it is followed by an acknowledgement of how you
feel.
It is quite straightforward to ask them if they have understood and
appreciate why you feel the emotions that you do. Being understood is a
very helpful way to process emotion.
Example: The doctor’s error
When I was setting off in my career as a young doctor in psychiatry, I had a
patient whose brother had acted very poorly towards her. She was unable to
get over this because she had a belief that he owed her an apology and
unless this apology was forthcoming she would continue to be angry and
upset. It seemed clear to me that she needed to change her view and accept
that sometimes life is not fair and he might never give her an apology. By
not accepting this, she was only hurting herself. It all seemed very logical.
I saw her a number of times and compassionately explained (at least I
hope I was compassionate!) that unless she moved on, she would be stuck
with anger. We seemed to be going nowhere until I sat down and reflected
on what I was doing. I then got inside her head to see her world from her
point of view. It all still seemed so irrational but it then dawned on me that
of course it was irrational because she was working with an irrational part
of her brain (her Chimp - I didn’t have the Chimp Model then). Once I took
her Chimp’s viewpoint, I suddenly really did understand and empathised
with her irrationality of believing that everyone should and would act
appropriately.
The next time she came in, I told her that I agreed with her and said that I
really did understand why her brother owed her an apology and I also
understood her anger and upset would remain until he apologised. I
explained to her that it disturbed me thinking about it because I could see
the pain that she was going through. Also, that I appreciated how she had
suffered and how she had tried to accept it but couldn’t; but she had tried.
She burst into tears and told me that it was such a relief that someone
understood her and appreciated what she was going through.
Almost like a miracle she switched into a different mode of thinking (her
Human). She sighed and said she also understood that sometimes things
don’t happen that ought to and then accepted the situation. She was able to
move on without getting the apology from her brother.
It would be some time before I
could truly appreciate that I was Key Point
dealing with two very different Our Chimps need
systems in her mind. The two understanding and
systems being, the Chimp that might recognition of what they
not be looking for solutions, but feel they are going
rather understanding, and the Human through, no matter how
that would implement solutions; if irrational it might seem.
only the Chimp could move on and Only then can they deal
allow the Human to do its job! We with certain emotions and
will return to this crucial point later allow the Human to move
in this course. us on.
Colluding with the Chimp
The last example might almost seem
like colluding with the Chimp. Key Point
When some Chimps exercise
Understanding the Chimp
unreasonably it would be
doesn’t mean colluding
inappropriate to accept their
with it.
outbursts or the lack of
responsibility by the person allowing
this expression of emotion. Emotion that is damaging to others might be
understandable but cannot be condoned. Unreasonable expression of
emotion is sometimes very obvious in its presentation but it can be subtle.
The earlier example of Pearl becoming agitated by the lack of work output
by her staff might be a good example of unrecognised damage. Her
unrealistic expectation of what can be achieved and the emotion expressed
by her Chimp could be damaging to the staff. It would not be acceptable to
allow this emotion to be repeated unchecked.
Emotions that are bubbling under the

surface
There are times when we hold emotion in and we do ourselves no favour. It
is a matter of judgement of when and how you decide to express emotion.
Selecting the right time, place and way of expressing emotion is helpful to
be effective and productive. This is something that we can all learn and get
better at.
There is a potential danger when we don’t exercise the Chimp. If we
suppress or don’t acknowledge our emotions, then they might turn inward
and become very destructive toward us. [192] At worst, they can lead to
anxiety or depressive illness and at best they will surface in the wrong place
and at the wrong time. [206] It always helps to express how we feel to an
understanding person.
Emotions can escape and be displaced anywhere
Example: Bobbie and her exam results

When Bobbie was at school, she
didn’t do well in her final exams and Key Point
felt that she had underachieved. It can be very destructive
These results haunted her for years. to hold emotions and
Her Chimp could not accept what feelings in.
had happened and it constantly
wanted to go back and do the exams
again. These negative and unhelpful emotions would be just under the
surface in her day-to-day life and kept breaking through over many years.
Clearly this has left an emotional scar in her life. This doesn’t mean that it
can’t be settled down by revisiting it. Some likely beliefs she could hold
are:
I know I could have done better
People weigh others up on their exam results
Everyone thinks I am not very clever
The beliefs that Bobbie has are all negative. This is a good indication that
they are Chimp driven. Her Human can review her beliefs and then manage
the Chimp and get it on to the same page as the Human.
Some facts are as follows:

There are many times at important moments that we underperform
Sometimes, we don’t know why things happen
There are different forms of intelligence
Intelligence develops continually during life with the brain being fully
matured at around the age of thirty
School exams are a snapshot of where we are at that time in life
Is it really important what others think?
Having established these facts, Bobbie can now let these truths sink in.
Sorting out emotions that are under the surface is really about revisiting
events and seeing them differently. By seeing them differently, we can
process the emotions that we feel.
Unit 10
Reminders
It is a skill to express emotion constructively
Underlying reasons why a Chimp needs to exercise ought to be
explored
Exercising the Chimp in an effective way, needs to be followed up
with insight and change
Chimps like to know that they have been understood, once they have
finished exercising
Unit 10
Exercises
1. Exercising the Chimp, but not in a supermarket!
2. Addressing emotions that are under the surface
Focus 1: Exercising the Chimp, but not in a

supermarket!
A reminder: To exercise the Chimp effectively means that after we have
expressed emotions or feelings, we then ask ourselves “How do I prevent
these feelings from recurring?”. In other words, we look to see what caused
us to have a need to exercise the Chimp, and then make sure it doesn’t
happen again.
This focus point is therefore about recognising and addressing why the
Chimp needed exercise to prevent it from happening again.
Exercising the Chimp doesn’t have to be a loud rant or scream.
Exercising the Chimp is about expressing feelings and emotions, so that we
are able to make sense of them and employ them beneficially. Therefore,
just talking through feelings, without intense emotion, is a good exercise.
Don’t exercise your Chimp in a supermarket; take it to a safe compound.
This means express your feelings in the right place and with the right
people present. These are people who know what you are doing and won’t
interact or take the Chimp too seriously, until it settles down! Alternatively,
exercise your Chimp alone.
Exercise: Putting in place a regular structured exercise for the Chimp
Fix a time of the day when you can think through your feelings and
emotions and express these verbally or in writing. [142] [129] If you can’t
manage every day then try to allocate a weekly slot that is dedicated to
releasing your emotions in order to reflect on them. Whenever you release
your emotions try to move forward by addressing any causes underpinning
them.
A structured way to approach this would be to write down a list of the
areas of your life that are unsettled or uncertain at that time. Then talk
through each, remembering that the object of doing this is to express
emotion and then make plans for change. Most of the change will be in your
own head and your approach to situations. Is it expecting too much? Is it
being unreasonable? What beliefs are in your Computer that could be
prodding the Chimp? For example, do you have a Gremlin in the Computer
that is stating that life should always go according to plan?
When you have found a Gremlin replace it with an Autopilot that is a
helpful and realistic belief.
Focus 2: Addressing emotions that are

under the surface
This focus point is specifically looking at emotions that have been bubbling
under the surface for some time. They often break through and influence
our day-to-day life.
Exercise: Removing hidden emotions
This exercise is to search for and deal with recent events in your life that
have left an emotional mess behind them; in other words, unfinished
business.
To manage these bubbling emotions could mean that you have to work
out how to address each irritant because they will each need their own
expression.
For example, some methods could include:

Expressing feelings to a friend to get things out of your system
In Human mode, confronting the person or event that has left
unpleasant emotions
Writing a letter detailing your feelings, which can be sent or shredded.
The exercise of writing things down can be very cathartic
Revisiting the event and checking what beliefs you are holding that are
causing the emotions to persist. When you have found the beliefs and
replaced these Gremlins with Autopilots, it’s important to dwell on the
Autopilots so that they are firmly embedded into your Computer. This
might take a few sessions to accomplish
Unit 11
Changing habits, beliefs and
behaviours
STAGE 4: focusses on the Computer system.
Unit 11: covers how habits are formed by looking at the reward
system in the brain. Changing habits is never easy. The Triangle
of Change will be introduced to help you to change and form
new habits.
How habits are formed

Habits are formed when we carry out a pattern of behaviour or thinking that
we deem to be successful. Therefore, if we try something out and it works,
we will keep repeating it. The more we repeat an action, the more it will
enforce pathways in our Computer system. This leads to an automatic
programmed action that is carried out without being challenged. [207]
Habits being formed
- Scientific points
The science behind habit formation is very complex involving many areas of the brain but
we can simplify things to get the principles involved. Warning: you might still find this heavy
going!
When we perform an action that we find successful, we set in motion a chain of reactions
within the brain. This chain of reactions will result in habit formation.
One significant pathway is called the reward pathway. This reward pathway is involved in
all kinds of habit formation, including some drug addictions.
The pathway has three separate areas connected together in a chain: the locus
coeruleus; the ventral tegmental area and the nucleus accumbens.
The first area, the locus coeruleus is the main centre in the brain for producing
noradrenaline. Noradrenaline is an alerting neurotransmitter and keeps us vigilant. When
the locus coeruleus becomes stimulated it releases noradrenaline, which travels up the
brain to stimulate the second area in the chain, the ventral tegmental area. The ventral
tegmental area then releases dopamine, another neurotransmitter, which stimulates the
third area, the nucleus accumbens. The nucleus accumbens when stimulated brings
pleasure. This therefore encourages us to repeat whatever we are doing. [208] [209]
The reward pathway
Habits being programmed
- Scientific points
In order to repeat our action, and form a habit, the nucleus accumbens does two things:
1. The inner part or core of the nucleus accumbens connects to the motor cortex, which
controls our physical movements
2. The outer part or shell of the nucleus accumbens connects to the amygdala to involve
emotional input. Some authorities feel that the shell is an extension of the amygdala
The nucleus accumbens has now combined actions and emotions to repeat our experience
and form the habit. [210] [211]
Habits being formed by the Nucleus Accumbens
If we carry out habits because they

are successful, why is it that we can Key Point
form unhelpful or destructive habits?
[193] [207] [212] The answer lies in the
The Human and Chimp
define success differently,
difference between the way the
which can lead to helpful
Human and the Chimp define and unhelpful habit
success.
formation.
Habits are formed depending on who defines success
The Chimp works impulsively and wants immediate gratification. It doesn’t

think about the longer-term consequences of its actions. [213] [214] [215] The
two key ways in which the Chimp defines a successful habit are:
1. Immediate gratification
2. Pleasure or avoidance of pain
Therefore, the Chimp will reinforce any behaviour or belief that results in
either or both of these.
Example: Jodi and his unfaithfulness
Jodi’s Human wants to have a loving Different thoughts!
and caring monogamous relationship
with his partner. He defines this as
ideal and successful. However, his
Chimp defines success as gaining
short-term pleasure at the expense of
sacrificing Jodi’s morals. The Chimp
will choose short-term pleasure
rather than long-term peace of mind.
The Chimp won’t think about the consequences of its actions unless it gets
caught out. The covering lies that might be needed are also used to block his
conscience. The Chimp has now established a habit that appears to work for
it.
The habit will be established if the Chimp puts pleasure above
monogamy. Clearly, this example has lots of avenues to explore and won’t
be quite so simple.
The Orbitofrontal Cortex (OFC) definition of
success
- Scientific points
The OFC defines a successful outcome, as not being stressed and achieving immediate
gratification. Therefore, behaviour that achieves immediate gratification or relief will be
repeated. The OFC functions by reacting immediately to any stimulus it receives. The
problem with the OFC definition of success is that, it might not only be temporary but also
have long-term negative consequences.
The marshmallow experiment

The principle of this experiment has been repeated in various ways. It demonstrates the
difference between the OFC definition of success and the Dorso-lateral prefrontal cortex
(DLPFC) definition of success.
An adult offers a young child, who is around four years of age, a marshmallow. The adult
must leave the room and tells the child that before they return the child can eat the
marshmallow. However, they can wait until the adult returns, and if they do wait, they will get
two marshmallows. The adult then leaves the room. The experiment shows that those
children who eat the marshmallow immediately or after a short time appear to use this
strategy throughout life and do not do well in later years. Those children who wait to get two
marshmallows are using the DLPFC and thinking about the longer-term gains. These
children apparently continue this pattern of thinking throughout life and are much more likely
to be successful. Effectively, what is being said is that using the OFC system is not as
helpful in the long-term as using the DLPFC, when making some decisions. Alternatively, it
could be put as: operating with an impulsive OFC (Chimp) and defining success with this, is
not as helpful as operating and defining success with the DLPFC (Human).
My concern with this experiment’s possible conclusion is that it might be assumed that
children and adults cannot learn how to recognise and switch systems. Learning to switch
systems and manage the OFC is the basis for the Chimp model. I think we can all gain
insight and operate how we want to and not be hijacked! We can all be successful. Those
children who had dominant Chimps can learn the skill of managing them. [216] [217] [218]
[219]
As the Human and the Chimp define success differently, it is important to

establish what you see as success and not let your Chimp define what
success means to you.
Example: Jill and the habit of drinking
Jill has always enjoyed socialising with her friends in the local pub drinking
beer. She goes there each night, drinks two pints and plays darts. She sees
this as being a ‘successful’ habit because it brings her lots of pleasure and
says the drink stops her from experiencing low moods. The problem is that
Jill has recently been diagnosed with pancreatitis and blood results show
that her liver is struggling to deal with the levels of alcohol that she is
drinking. Her Chimp has ‘rationalised’ that the drink brings her pleasure
and plays a necessary part in helping her to avoid low moods. Therefore, the
habit will continue because the Chimp only sees success with her drinking.
Jill’s Human clearly sees that if the drinking is being used to prevent low
mood it is a poor coping strategy. Her Chimp is using excuses to continue
the pleasure of drinking.
Success for the Human would be to enjoy the evening but to limit or stop
the drinking, and to use a healthy alternative for preventing low moods.
Jill’s choice becomes: The Chimp’s short-term gratification with health
consequences or the Human’s long-term gratification with health benefits.
The first step to solving any problem is to recognise it.
Habits being formed
Habits can define the norm

One of the difficulties with the Chimp, having establishing a habit, is that it
becomes the expected and the reference point for what is normal. Anything
else can feel wrong, uncomfortable or perceived as unusual, even if the
habit is not what our Human wants.
Habits become a normal reference point
Example: Lester and his eating habits

Lester struggles with weight and his Chimp has established an eating habit
at meal times. His Human would like to change his eating pattern but the
Chimp has already defined the norm.
Lester eats a sizeable meal that leaves him feeling full and satisfied. After
his main meal, he eats a dessert and following this, he eats a biscuit with his
coffee. For Lester, this has become the established ‘normal’ eating pattern.
If he tries to change this, it is likely to feel wrong. Even cutting out the
biscuit won’t be easy. However, if he perseveres with a smaller main meal
and refuses a dessert and his biscuit, after a few weeks he will have
established a new eating habit. He will now have this as his normal eating
pattern and to go back to his previous habit will feel ‘wrong’.
A habit seen as normal behaviour
It surprised me when I initially worked with repeat offenders that if they
hadn’t committed a crime for a while, some of them perceived this as doing
really well. The rest of the population see behaving morally as normal
behaviour. If an offender remains with the idea that not committing a crime
is doing well, then they will see offending as being an acceptable normal
behaviour. Establishing a healthy or helpful habit needs to be seen as normal
and anything other than this as being unacceptable and not normal. If we
view our habits in this way, then we are programming the Computer to
advise the Human and Chimp what is and what isn’t acceptable. This can
help immensely for establishing the behaviours we want.
Habits are influenced by self-image

Most habits are formed and maintained by underpinning beliefs. These
beliefs can come from either Human or Chimp. [220] A strong influencing
force on how we behave is the way that we perceive ourselves. If we
perceive ourselves as a hard-working individual, then we are more likely to
work hard to demonstrate that feature. Habits can be enforced or changed by
the way that you perceive yourself.
Example: Eric and his self-image
Eric says he struggles to get things done and often procrastinates and puts
things off. He doesn’t like this and it makes him frustrated that he can’t
seem to get his act together. The reality is that his Chimp is being prodded
by a Gremlin in the Computer.
It’s a big Gremlin of false self-image. The Gremlin that has now taken
over is a belief that Eric has of himself. He perceives himself to be a person
who cannot organise himself or get Listening to Gremlins can be
things done and is easily distracted. destructive!
This self-image is false. Eric wants
to get things done and he is not lazy
nor is he a disorganised person.
Eric’s Chimp might have those
characteristics. Eric is an organised
and hard-working individual, but the
Computer Gremlin keeps telling Eric
that it is him that is lazy and
disorganised.
Eric could remove this Gremlin and

replace it with an Autopilot, a true
self-image, which is someone who Key Point
gets on with things immediately, as
Your self-image often
and when they need doing. He is
dictates your behaviour.
likely to act on this belief. His habit
of procrastination or avoidance can
be replaced with a habit of immediately acting and of being hard-working.
It can be very productive to check on how you see yourself, and we will
do this as an exercise at the end of this unit.
How do I change unhelpful habits?

The Triangle of Change
If we look at what will increase the probability of someone altering their
behaviour, habits or thinking, three factors appear to be necessary. I have
called these factors the Triangle of Change. We can therefore use the
Triangle of Change to assess whether we think that change is likely to occur.
The Triangle of Change
Suffering or reward
A crucial point in dealing with any change is to appreciate that if we are not
suffering enough or if the reward is not big enough, then we are unlikely to
change our ways. [221] [222]
Example: Jasmine and her car payments
Jasmine is buying a car by paying monthly instalments. She is often late
with payments and has been warned by the car company that they will
repossess the car if she is not on time in future. Jasmine believes that these
warnings are idle threats. Therefore, she does not perceive any suffering
will occur because she will have her car. She also thinks that if they do carry
out their threats she will just find another car dealer to work with. However,
when she fails to make the next payment on time, the car company
repossess the car. After suffering a lot of stress because of wasting lots of
time pleading to get the car back, she finds her life without the car becomes
very difficult. After further hassle of reorganising a new car sale, with a
different company, she now owns a car again. As she now realises just how
much suffering will occur when she doesn’t keep up with the payments, she
is much less likely to be late with her payments.
Changing your perception of suffering or reward
The perception of both suffering and reward are not necessarily fixed. We
can increase either one by thinking through our situation and the
consequences of not changing a habit.
Example: Max and his marriage
Max has been married for ten years to Julie. He loves Julie but has stopped
paying attention to details in their marriage. He believes that the marriage is
sound, and although not perfect, it will be fine. Max isn’t likely to change
his habits because he sees no suffering or reward. However, if he stops and
thinks about the rewards of his relationship and doesn’t take them for
granted, he can increase his perception of these rewards. This in turn will
instigate changes in his behaviour. He could also stop and realise that most
marriages that break up are not necessarily in a bad way, just a bit
neglected. He can see the reasoning that if he doesn’t pay the attention that
his wife deserves, then somebody else might give her that attention. The
thought of the loss of his wife to someone else, might lead him to become
aware of what suffering he might feel and help him to pay more attention to
their relationship.
Reflecting can increase neurotransmitter

release
- Scientific points
In the reward pathway, importantly, the ventral Variable amounts of dopamine
tegmental area (VTA) releases variable amounts of released depending on your
dopamine depending on how pleasurable or beliefs
advantageous a habit is to us. This is very important
because we can use this fact to help us form or
remove habits. By thinking through the rewards that
could happen and making positive changes, the VTA
will release more dopamine, which will bring us
anticipated pleasure. This higher level of dopamine in
turn will instil the new habit being formed in the
nucleus accumbens. Therefore, anticipation of reward
will enforce new habits, and this can be achieved by
reflection, particularly focussing on the benefits and
rewards of change. [223] [224]
Psychological mindedness
Psychological mindedness can be
defined in slightly different ways. Key Point
Generally, we think of someone as
If someone is
being psychologically minded when
psychologically minded,
they have an awareness of how the they will be open to
mind works and the effect that challenging their own
emotions and beliefs can have on behaviours and beliefs.
self and others. [225]
Therefore, psychologically minded individuals would be able to see a
different point of view and reconsider how they perceive and interpret
events. This ability to challenge their own position and beliefs, and to take
responsibility for their own actions, and not blame circumstances or outside
influences, is a major catalyst for change.
Example: Vince and the habit of undermining others
Vince often finds he is in conflict with others and feels he has to justify
critical remarks he has made about people. If Vince is not psychologically
minded he will always look outside of himself and find evidence as to why
he has commented on someone. He will justify this comment and he will
not see it as undermining someone. The habit will continue and lead to
further conflict.
If Vince is psychologically minded, he will begin by looking to himself
and his approach. He might well see faults in others but he will ask if his
habit of commenting is actually helpful. He will think of the reason why he
is doing this. For example, could it be that he has low self-esteem and uses
criticism of others to elevate his own standing? He will also think about
what he is trying to achieve by doing this and what effects it will have on
others and ultimately on him. What Vince is doing is looking at the impact
of his own actions and the reasons for them and how his mind is working. In
our model he will be identifying what is likely to be his Chimp establishing
an unhealthy pattern of working and then rethinking with his Human what
he really wants to be doing.
Commitment
Commitment is a key factor for change. Commitment doesn’t just mean that
you make a statement of action and fully intend to carry it out. This is really
just an emotional Chimp stance that is working with feelings. [226]
Commitment means forming a plan that will work for both your Human
and Chimp. It will work on three counts:
1. Your Chimp, as well as your Human, is in agreement with the plan
2. Your plan involves establishing what it will take to make it work
3. Your plan has considered the potential pitfalls that might stop you and
has a strategy to deal with these
Therefore, commitment means sitting down and making some effort to
prepare your plan for the habit change.
Example: Robert and his daily exercise
Robert believes that daily exercise is good for him. He has tried repeatedly
to either jog every day or to go to a gym. This habit never gets established
and he continues to remain unfit. Why can’t he make the change of habit
from intermittent exercise to regular exercise?
Robert’s determination to exercise is probably Chimp driven. His Human
definitely wants this to happen and his Chimp emotionally wants it to
happen BUT it doesn’t want to commit to it. There are always excuses and
rationalisations for not exercising, and Robert is aware that these are
excuses and rationalisations. How does he form a commitment plan to elicit
change?
Step 1: Involve the Chimp
The first step is to establish what his Human wants and thinks is a good plan
and to involve his Chimp with this plan. Is exercising every day a realistic
proposition? It might be to his Human but is his Chimp really going to do
this? Only Robert can decide. Making unrealistic demands of the Chimp is a
recipe for failure. A possible compromise that his Chimp might work with is
to exercise four days a week and to start with shorter sessions and to build
up once the habit of exercising is established. This plan is far more likely to
be accepted by his Chimp.
Step 2: What does it take?
When I work with people on making a commitment screen, I break down
the list of ‘What does it take to commit’ into essential, significant and
desirable.
Essential Without the ‘essentials’ the plan definitely can’t work

Significan The ‘significants’ are those things that will definitely help to
t raise the chance of success
The ‘desirables’ are those things that will make things more
Desirable
pleasant
As we are all unique, only you can decide what is in each list. For example,
Robert might say that exercising with a friend is an essential factor because
he knows that without someone else exercising with him, his Chimp is very
likely to stop. Some people might say that exercising with a friend is
significant, whereas others would say it is only desirable.
Step 3: What will stop me?

Things that might stop the plan from working can be divided into hurdles,
barriers and pitfalls.
Hurdles Things we can’t avoid and have to jump over

Barriers Things we can get around with some planning
Pitfalls Things that are ultimate plan breakers
Examples of each of these could be:
Hurdles
Some days will be uncomfortable
Your Chimp might need managing
Minor injuries can happen
Barriers
Being tired might mean adjusting your training
Time pressure might mean better time management
Limited opportunity to train might mean being inventive for exercising
that day
Pitfalls
Going on how you feel rather than what you have to do
Seeing a poor training session as indicating failure
Losing sight of the benefits of training
Commitment
Changing habits
Stating the obvious - to change a habit or instil a new habit needs work!
Here are some suggestions on how to form constructive habits:

Use the Triangle of Change to decide on whether you are in a position to
succeed.
Rewards and suffering: reflect on the advantages and rewards of change,

and the consequences or suffering if you don’t change. Use this reflection to
clarify and strengthen the rewards or suffering in your mind. Let your
Chimp reflect on how it will feel if it does change and how it will feel if it
doesn’t change. This will be speaking to the Chimp in its own language.
Reflection involves exploring what your beliefs are. Have you got some
unhelpful Gremlin sitting in your Computer? Is the Chimp giving
unwelcome feelings that are stopping you from carrying out the healthy
habits that you want to establish? For example, is there a Gremlin that is
saying, “We can always start tomorrow”, and this prods the Chimp into
feeling that it doesn’t quite have the energy to begin now?
Psychological mindedness: your psychological mindedness to think about

taking responsibility for change. We are all capable of change, because
change is nearly always dependent on decisions within the mind. Don’t
allow your Chimp to make excuses or to hijack you. Recognise that the
mind is a machine and you can manage it.
Commitment: draw up a commitment plan for change and ensure that you
have consulted your Chimp. Make it easy and pleasant for your Chimp to
join in with change. Many people do this by getting someone to challenge
them. Most Chimp’s don’t like being told that they can’t or won’t be able to
do something. This often drives the Chimp to prove them wrong.
Specifically, learn the skill of rejecting any unhelpful emotions offered by

the Chimp and disengage with any unwelcome thoughts. Work with
commitment rather than motivation. Distract your Chimp while you get on
with your new behaviour.
Beliefs: consider the beliefs you hold that might underpin your habits,
including the beliefs that give you your self-image; replace unhelpful ones.
Seeing a habit as a choice: can view habits as being a choice between the
Human and the Chimp. The choice is then down to: Do I want immediate
gratification or do I want to have longer-term satisfaction? Many people
find it helpful to see habits as being a relaxed choice made by their Human
and a rejection of the Chimp’s preference.
Why are habits sometimes so difficult to
change?
- Scientific points
Once we establish a pathway in the brain that creates an automatic behaviour or a belief,
we use this as a default mechanism. These pathways become re-enforced over time. The
brain does this by myelinating the pathway neurones. This means coating them with a
substance that lags them, which has the effect of speeding up the transmission of the
message being sent. For us to stop defaulting to this pathway, we have to create a new
pathway and re-enforce this. This means practicing a new alternative habit, in order to
extinguish an old one.
Neurones within the brain will form and also break connections with other neurones
depending on whether a pathway is being activated or has become redundant.
New habit being re-enforced by practice and myelination
Unit 11
Reminders
Habits can be formed on self-image
The Triangle of Change is composed of:
Suffering or reward
Psychological mindedness
Commitment
Perceived success can be very different for Human and Chimp
Changing habits usually needs reflection and a plan
Unit 11
Exercises
1. Checking your self-image
2. The Triangle of Change
3. Habit formation
Focus 1: Checking your self-image

As discussed in this unit, your self-image will often dictate how you behave.
Therefore, it is an important factor for influencing habits.
Exercise: Define your self-image
Try and define your self-image. How do you see yourself?
If you have not previously thought about how you see yourself, then try
asking the following questions but make sure it’s the way your Human sees
you and not the way your Chimp sees you! Warning: some of the questions
are hard hitting:
Am I a proactive person?
Am I a problem-solver?
Do I see myself as a person who primarily works with logic or emotion
when making decisions?
Am I someone who works with immediate gratification or am I wiser
than this?
Do I see myself as someone who gets on with things as soon as they
need doing?
Is my Chimp a winner in life or a loser? Am I a winner or loser in life
in my eyes? Which do I want to be? (That’s a tough one!)
If you answer the questions with your Human then the answers will be what
you want them to be. This is the self-image that represents the real you
before the Chimp interferes. If you can use this self-image and see yourself
as this person, it can drive you to fulfil this image when confronting habits.
To encourage you: please try to be positive because interference can be
managed, it’s only a Chimp!
Focus 2: The Triangle of Change
Exercise: Forming a new habit
Apply the Triangle of Change to a habit that you either want to establish or
want to change. Think carefully through the rewards and benefits of change
and also reflect on the suffering or detriment to you or others of not
changing. Apply your psychological mindedness to take responsibility for
habits. Question whether your Chimp is making excuses for not establishing
the habits that you want to establish. Remind yourself that habits are
decisions made by either you or your Chimp. You always have a choice.
Draw up a commitment plan. I would suggest you don’t make this too
heavy because it will only put your Chimp off. Try to keep things simple
and relaxed. The more intense it becomes, the more the Chimp will agitate
and try to take over, usually by disengaging. The Chimp is very likely to
become active in an unhelpful way if you see the new habit as being a
struggle, something to win or as an abnormal state that you are trying to
achieve. [207]
Evoking vigilance
- Scientific points
Domesticated animals, such as horses and dogs, pick up on the mood that Humans are in.
If we are relaxed, regardless of what is happening around us, then the animal is likely to
relax with us. If we become intense or worried, then this is transmitted to the animal and the
animal will become alerted and concerned. Our inner Chimp is exactly the same. If we, as a
Human, remain calm and relaxed our Chimps will settle. However, if we approach life or
situations with apprehension or see them as a battle, then our Chimps will naturally become
alerted and animated. How we perceive situations will evoke appropriate emotional
responses for that perception. [227]
Focus 3: Habit formation

Linda is trying to establish a new habit of always getting things done as they
arise, instead of putting them off. She has tried several times to make this a
habit but each time she tries she very quickly reverts to her usual habit of
putting things off.
Exercise: Working out why habits don’t change
Suggest five reasons why Linda cannot establish her new habit. After you
have thought of the reasons, check with the suggestion answers.
Answers
Clearly there could be lots of reasons, so here are a few of the commonest
ones:
1. Reward or suffering: Linda doesn’t see this habit as being that
important. She doesn’t really believe that she will gain that much from
doing it, only that it might feel good. She doesn’t believe that there are
any significant consequences to leaving things until later.
2. Psychological mindedness: Linda hasn’t accepted that it is within her
power to manage her mind and take responsibility for this.
3. Commitment: Linda has made no real plans to form her new habit.
She hasn’t thought about what it will take to do this nor has thought
about what might stop her.
4. Self-image: Linda believes that she is just one of those people that
can’t focus or stick at things. This excuse becomes a self-fulfilling
prophecy.
5. Chimp alerted: Linda perceives the habit to be a big challenge and
has altered her Chimp to this. The Chimp has then seen the task as
overwhelming and is fighting back to let Linda know that it isn’t
possible to achieve.
6. Engaging the Chimp on its terms: when Linda is ready to act, her
Chimp begins a conversation with her and Linda engages with this
conversation. Instead of being ignored, the Chimp draws Linda into a
discussion that Linda loses.
7. Linda is being unrealistic: although many things can be done
immediately, some things can’t. Linda is not distinguishing between
the two and is therefore condemning herself unfairly, and this is putting
her off trying.
8. Linda is being too harsh on herself: Linda is being too critical
regarding how she is already performing and she actually does do
things immediately, but is asking for perfection. She might attend to
things immediately but some things need to be done in stages and take
time.
Unit 12
Processing and managing life
events
Unit 12: covers how to accept and make sense of life events and
move on from them. Some life events are fairly easy to move on
from but others can prove very difficult. This unit begins with
the easier ones.
What it means to process life events

Processing a life event means that we have come to terms with what has
happened and are moving on. Therefore, processing life events or
information means:
Accepting the reality of the facts that you are faced with
Understanding and making sense of these facts
Working with the facts to go forward
Once we have processed a situation we can move forward because it has

been integrated into our lives. If we don’t process information, then we get
stuck and start receiving emotional messages from our Chimp that all is not
well. [228] [229] [167]For example, if you have attended an interview and you
felt that you had done really well but didn’t get the job, you might keep
going over the scenario. You might feel it was unfair, or dream about what
could have been, or start thinking maybe you didn’t present well and so on.
In other words, you can’t seem to get over it. This is because processing the
information hasn’t taken place.
Nearly all life experiences can be processed. If we did process all
experiences, it would lead to a much more peaceful life. The processing
exceptions are emotional scars, which we might have to live with.
Processing occurs at two levels:

Simple processing
Complex processing
Some experiences respond to simple processing, whilst others need complex
processing.
The difference between simple and

complex processing
Simple processing occurs when there is little emotional consequence from
an event and complex processing occurs when there are lasting emotional or
practical consequences from an event. [230] [231]
Examples of experiences that respond to simple processing:
If I trip and scrape my knee, it might hurt but it is of little emotional or
practical consequence
If I am criticised on social media but it’s clear that the criticism is
ridiculous and it doesn’t particularly bother me
If I have a disagreement with someone, which initially leaves a bad
feeling
If I miss a train or it is delayed but I will be fine once it is sorted
Examples of experiences that need complex processing:

• If I am an elite athlete and I trip
and break my leg and this ends my Key Point
career
• Simple processing is
• If I am criticised on social media when the Chimp just
and I feel it has unfairly damaged
reacts in the moment and
my reputation and it really bothers
might complain for a
me while, but soon recovers.
• If a serious injustice has happened • Complex processing is
to me when the Chimp needs
• If I have had a serious loss in my time and help to come to
life terms with something
This unit will cover simple significant.
processing and the next unit, unit 13,
will cover complex processing.
Simple Complex
Simple processing: Acceptance seen

as a skill
The first step to processing anything is acceptance of the reality that is in
front of you. Imagine having the skill to immediately accept any unpleasant
experience that you encounter, and deal with it constructively. This could
save many hours of distress or agitation from your Chimp that wants a
different reality and is not accepting the situation. By accepting situations
immediately, it would also help you to reach solutions and move on more
easily. This is why acceptance is the first step to processing (or
constructively dealing with) any life event or situation. [232] [233] [234]
Example: The spilt milk
This is an easy example to show the
process of acceptance. We will keep Key Point
returning to this example throughout
Acceptance of things that
this unit to demonstrate the various can’t be changed, and of
aspects of simple processing.
circumstances that have
Imagine you have gone to the to be worked with, is a
fridge to get some milk. As you pick
skill that can be acquired.
up the carton of milk it slips from
your grasp and spills onto the floor.
The ideal processing might be as follows: I did not intend this to happen,
but it has. I need to clean up the milk. Once I have cleaned up the milk
everything will return to normal. Therefore, you, as a calm human being,
would process the information appropriately and deal with the situation.
(We will come to reality shortly!).
The problem we have with this example is that, for most people, it is not
the way the mind works. Instead of calmness there will be an emotional
reaction from the Chimp that ranges from being slightly upset to an
embarrassing complete loss of emotional control. It is likely that the carton
will be blamed for being impossible to hold and victim mentality will ensue,
“Why me?” Nobody should have to witness our Chimp’s reaction. We can
change this reaction, if we learn to manage the way the mind works.
So how does the mind process

information?
We can think of the mind as processing the information down two separate
tracks: Human and Chimp. The mind must successfully process the
information down both of these tracks and not just down one of them;
otherwise we can’t integrate the information into our lives. [235] [236] [237]
Both tracks carry out their processing by conferring with the Computer to
help them.
Note: The Computer can help
immensely with this processing, but Key Point
only if it has helpful beliefs stored in The two tracks are
it. We will look at how to do this different and both are
shortly, after we have first essential for processing
considered the two tracks. information.
The Human processes the
information using a logic-based
approach and the Chimp processes the information using an emotion-based
approach. [238] [8] [7] [3] [48]
How the Chimp processes events

Let’s return to our spilt milk example. There will typically be an emotional
reaction first, before logic kicks in. [40] [41] [17] [239] A natural emotional
reaction from our Chimp could range from distress to anger or frustration.
Although this might be a natural reaction, it’s not a very helpful one. As we
are all unique, you must recognise what your unique Chimp will do, and
then work with this. It might not even react. Let’s assume the Chimp is
typical in voicing some expletives and then chuntering for a while. What we
can acknowledge is the need to express emotion and not to hold it in. Once
our initial feelings have been adequately expressed, our Chimps will settle
down and allow us to deal with the situation. This is because simple
processing by the Chimp can be done just by expressing emotion. [7] [3] [8]
If expressing emotion doesn’t process the situation, then the Chimp will
turn to others to seek understanding and acknowledgement of its distress,
along with some approval. The Chimp wants other people to justify the
emotions it feels. In simple processing these two aspects are all that the
Chimp needs in order to accept and understand the situation and to move
on.
The Chimp using simple processing
With simple processing, the Chimp usually moves on when it gets tired of
listening to its own moans or complaints, and often gets distracted with
other things!
Note: If you feel your Chimp is not processing the information, then it
helps to turn to someone who will listen and give your Chimp the
understanding and approval it needs. Alternatively, you could give your
own Chimp some understanding by acknowledging that what it feels is
normal and understandable.
How the Human processes events

The Human processes events by using facts, logic
and rationality. [238] [8] Events are given some
perspective, and facts are established and become
the working basis for moving forward. This
processing is much easier than emotional
processing because the facts are usually relatively
easy to establish.
The Computer comes to the rescue!

We have already looked at the way the Chimp and Human struggle to
communicate with each other because they speak a different language. The
Human speaks with facts and logic, whereas the Chimp speaks with
emotion and feelings. The Computer can now come to the rescue! The
Computer acts as an interpreter. It can communicate clearly with both
Chimp and Human because it speaks both languages.
The problem the Chimp has, is that it can’t work with facts. However, if
the Human can programme the Computer with facts and the Computer
interprets these for the Chimp, then this will help the Chimp to process
information.
Brain connections
- Scientific points
One of the complexities, in the way that the brain is connected, can give rise to some
difficulties in understanding it. Generally, people think of the brain as having specific areas
that do specific tasks, and specific pathways that do specific things. Although there is some
truth in this, the brain doesn’t always work this way. The brain acts more like a group of
people. Some people have specific roles but can turn their hand to other roles, if need be.
All people tend to get involved if an opinion or decision is to be made that will affect the
entire group. The brain acts in this way. Therefore, sometimes it’s easier to think of all areas
being connected to all other areas, and when it comes to specific tasks, some areas drop
out and leave it to the rest. Therefore, even though there are specific Human and Chimp
teams in the brain, they often share areas to work with. The orbitofrontal area of the brain
(the lead for the Chimp) and the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (the lead for the Human) area
of the brain are both connected to most parts of the Computer circuits (for example, the
cingulate gyrus and hippocampal formation). This means that unless one of the lead areas
of the Human, Chimp or Computer take over a task, all of the brain can get involved and we
end up feeling confused or as if we are going in circles, as we switch between Human,
Chimp and Computer. [240] [241]
The Computer as the advisor

Both Chimp and Human always look into the Computer for advice or help
before they make any decisions or act. [243] [243]
In our example of the spilt milk, both the Chimp and Human will search
the Computer for any beliefs attached to the spilt milk before they act.
Let’s say that prior to the accident the Human has spent some time
reflecting about minor accidents or setbacks. The Human has drawn up
some conclusions and turned these into beliefs. These beliefs include the
following:
Most accidents or setbacks are easy to sort out
Accidents are mishaps, not done on purpose, therefore there is no
blame
Getting upset or emotional only makes things worse
Acting immediately can quickly put the problem right
Whenever you can, it’s better to smile than get upset
The Computer will offer these beliefs to the Chimp immediately the milk is
spilt.
The Chimp will process the event and not react to it in an emotional way.
The person can therefore mop the milk up and peace continues!
The interesting point for us is the moment the Chimp consults with the
Computer. [17] This is because the Computer is about to guide the Chimp on
the best way to react. If the Computer has no programme to deal with
unexpected incidents then the Chimp will have free range to react in any
way it wants to. Clearly, this is often unhelpful. However, if the Computer is
programmed to guide the Chimp with reality, and some perspective, then the
Chimp is very likely to either not react or to react in a more measured and
constructive way.
Programming the Computer

The Computer can be programmed to maintain perspective but the Chimp
might still want to react emotionally. We have previously looked at ways of
expressing emotion effectively. We can now build on this concept and
programme the Computer to express emotion on behalf of the Chimp. This
programmed emotional reaction will help the Chimp to process any event,
particularly those with unwanted outcomes.
The example of the spilt milk represents many incidents that happen to us
daily. It is relatively trivial and often accidental but can evoke a Chimp
reaction.
Some simple constructive programmed emotional reactions might be:

Laughing at the situation or seeing the amusing side of it
Allowing one giant expletive
Letting someone know, in order for your Chimp to get a sympathetic
response
Smiling and calling out a simple phrase such as, “It happens”
Seeing the amusing side is more constructive than becoming

frustrated.
Three questions to consider

Always remember that you are
unique; I can only offer ideas and Key Point
suggestions. It is up to you to find
Programming the
what works for you and this means it
Computer with
sits comfortably with your values
constructive emotional
and personality. For example, some
reactions helps the Chimp
readers will be happy using anger as
to process emotion.
an emotion to communicate with,
whereas others will avoid this.
Generally speaking, anger is an unhelpful emotion because it can be
detrimental to health, especially if it is long-term anger. Also, anger being
projected at another person, or even at yourself, can be damaging to
communication and relationships. [244]
Returning to the spilt milk, try imagining that it was you who spilt the
milk. Let’s make matters a little worse, and imagine it has seeped into the
gaps in the tiles on the kitchen floor and you have no more milk.
Question 1: “What emotional reaction would you like to have?”. If you
are going to manage your emotions then you need to programme the desired
emotional reaction into your Computer before anything happens.
Question 2: “Will your programmed reaction help you to have a better
quality of life and less stress?”.
Question 3: If your answer to question 2 is “yes”, then my final question
is: “Why are you waiting?”.
To help you, we can consider some emotional reactions that can be
programmed into your Computer.
Programming an emotional response

Here are some suggestions of emotional responses or reactions under
‘probably helpful’ or ‘probably unhelpful’ headings. The Autopilots are
helpful beliefs, whereas the Gremlins are unhelpful beliefs, even though
these Gremlins might have a ring of truth to them.
Emotion or action Emotion or action
(Programmed beliefs that could help to ((Programmed beliefs that could hel
enforce this) to enforce this)
Sense of humour Irritation
(See the funny side) (This shouldn’t be like this)
Blame
Tolerance
(There is guilt attached to this
(These things happen)
accident)
Disappointment Anger
(It isn’t great, but it’s not the end of the (Anger is the best way to sort things
world) out)
Acceptance Frustration
(Let’s start sorting it out) (I can’t accept reality)
Resignation Despondency
(My starting point is where I am) (It’s all too much)
Patience Feelings of helplessness
(Time will move things on) (I am unable to cope)
Positive approach(Let me be proactive Feelings of stupidity
and find an immediate solution) (I shouldn’t make mistakes)
You always have a choice of what type of reaction to place into your Computer.
After programming the Computer, practising your chosen reaction within your
imagination helps to embed it. Remember, if you don’t programme your
Computer, your Chimp will!
Moving into solution-finding

Example: Late for the train
Emma has not thought about programming her Computer in readiness for any
setbacks. She has booked a ticket for a train that leaves at two o’clock. The train is
taking her to meet a friend for a catch up, with no special importance attached.
Emma gets ready for the train and is about to leave the house when a neighbour
calls to let her know that she is throwing a party on Saturday and Emma would be
welcome to come along. Emma knows she needs to avoid wasting time, but
doesn’t want to be impolite, so she chats before explaining that she has to go for
the train (Is Emma being polite or lacking assertiveness?). Emma is now under a
little bit of pressure to hurry and her Chimp is appropriately alerted. She has a ten-
minute drive to the station and jumps into the car and sets off. The car stalls,
which it has never done before, and then stops. She is now faced with a car that
needs to be dealt with and the realisation that she is likely to miss the train.
Without programming her Computer for
any setbacks, her Chimp now takes charge. Key Point
Which of the following do you think is Remember that when the
most likely to happen with her Chimp in
Chimp takes over, it only
charge? reacts and isn’t looking for
a. Emma smiles and says “I really must solutions.
buy a better car next time”
b. Emma says “I love challenges in life”
c. Emma’s windscreen steams up!
Solution finding is your job, but you have to get into Human mode in order to do
this. A pre-programmed Computer can place you back into Human mode. If
Emma had programmed her Computer with a constructive emotional reaction,
ready for any ‘disaster’, then she would be much more likely to accept the
situation and go into solution finding mode.
Rejecting ‘natural’ emotional

reactions
Example: The laptop glitch
Mike is working on his laptop, when suddenly it crashes and he loses the last
thirty minutes of his work. He is about to lose his composure. The first Chimp
reaction is to see this as catastrophic. Expletives are abundant and even unknown
expletives are invented. For some reason, Mike attacks the laptop and takes the
delusional stance that the laptop clearly had a choice about whether to crash or
not. It is now described as a useless piece of junk and anger increases as the laptop
refuses to engage and wilfully taunts him. The laptop’s clear lack of intelligence
and idiocy is beyond Mike’s Chimp’s comprehension.
It could all have been different. Mike
could have chosen a different reaction and Key Point
emotion, other than frustration and anger. We don’t have to engage
For example, he could have programmed with an emotion that
his Computer to always respond to comes naturally; the
frustrating situations by seeing them as emotion we choose can be
just a setback and a challenge to
more effective in
overcome. It could be that he still wants to managing a situation and
let his Chimp out first, but probably for far more productive.
only a brief moment, rather than letting it
take over. He could then follow this up
with a plan to move forward. The emphasis here is that Mike must pre-programme
and rehearse which emotion he wants to express, before it all happens.
Being let down or betrayed

Example: Rob and the promotion
Rob and his friend, Andy, work in the same company doing the same job. Rob
notices that a senior position is being advertised and tells Andy that he will be
applying. Andy doesn’t tell Rob but he speaks with the line manager about the
new job and expresses an interest. The line manager asks if Andy will step in
temporarily and Andy agrees. Rob’s sense of betrayal is eating him up.
Rob has options: he can either allow his Chimp to keep focussing on the
problem or he can process the situation and move on. Rob’s Chimp will need to
express itself and be heard by someone who cares. It will help if Rob’s Human
accepts the reality of the situation and forms a plan. His plan could be to rethink
his original beliefs about Andy and the type of friendship he had with him. At
some point in life all of us feel let down or betrayed by a friend or colleague.
Some truths that might resonate could be:

The friend I had, is not the friend I thought I had
Everyone gets let down at some point
Being bitter is only going to hurt me
Life doesn’t always go the way that I want it to
Not everyone is like this
Sometimes people make mistakes
Try not to allow your Chimp to
overstate your mistakes
Sometimes, we cannot process an event because we are allowing our Chimps to
overstate mistakes that we make. This means not living with blame, guilt or
beating yourself up. These are destructive coping strategies from your Chimp.
They are not rational. A better approach is to forgive yourself, if you have created
a problem, apologise and then learn from any mistakes. Once the Chimp accepts
that mistakes are rectifiable by taking responsibility, it will be able to begin the
processing.
Inappropriately taking personal

attacks to heart
Although it can be difficult, try not to Gremlins preventing the
allow your Chimp to read personal processing of comments
attacks into comments people make.
Sometimes, a distressed person is
reacting to their situation and not to
you; so don’t take it personally. If there
is a deliberate personal attack, it reflects
more on the person making it than on
you. [245] People who make critical
remarks or comments generally do this
to everyone. It’s important to decide
whether you want your Chimp to be
happy by trying to gain approval from
everyone, or your Human to be happy
by giving self-approval or approval
from those who know and love you. Is trying to please someone who can’t be
pleased a wise thing to do? Processing unkind remarks means making a decision
about what you want to do with them.
Gremlins preventing the
processing of comments
For example:
You must have approval from everyone
Any remarks made about you must be true
Unit 12
Reminders
Acceptance is a skill that can be acquired with practice
Information is processed down two tracks; Human and Chimp
The two tracks operate with different methods and timescales
We can learn to understand processing and help to make it easier
Emotional responses can be programmed into the Computer
Unit 12
Exercises
1. Acceptance as a skill
2. Choosing your emotion to help process experiences
Focus 1: Acceptance as a skill

Whenever things don’t go the way that we want them to, it’s natural that our
Chimps react. It isn’t usually helpful and merely delays any positive actions
we could take. The period of time that it takes the Chimp to react, and
usually express negative emotion, can be reduced significantly if we learn
to accept unwanted situations and immediately work with them. This is
similar to programming your Computer with a “What’s the plan?” response.
The subtle difference is that we are now taking an approach to life
whereby we learn to immediately accept what is in front of us, without our
Chimps reacting. We are learning the skill of going with the flow of life.
Exercise: Pressing the pause button
When something doesn’t go according to your plans, try programming your
Computer to make you take a deep breath or pause for a few moments. This
allows your Human to take charge and at this point focus on acceptance.
Focus 2: Choosing your emotion to help

process experiences
Our Chimps tend to offer us the same emotions even when they are dealing
with different situations. For example, some Chimps always become
anxious and some always moan. What the Chimp needs are more helpful
alternative emotions to select from.
Exercise: Alternative choices of emotion
List the emotions that you recognise that your Chimp tends to use
frequently. Ask yourself if these are helpful and appropriate. Then decide
which emotions you would like to experience instead of the typical ones the
Chimp offers. By naming the emotions that you wish to express, it will help
you to manage your emotions much better and to process situations more
easily. Once you have decided on the emotions you would like to
experience, you will need to practice these so that they become a habit and
replace the usual unhelpful Chimp choices.
Unit 13
Managing significant life events
Unit 13: covers how to process significant life events that might
have left us emotionally scarred. We will consider how to
manage common feelings associated with change and loss, and
how to manage emotional scars.
Complex processing of information

We use ‘complex processing’ when we try and come to terms with serious
events that could have lasting consequences. Spilling some milk is easy to
get over but coming to terms with a significant loss is not so
straightforward. When we experience situations that have a more serious
impact on us, the Chimp needs more help to process them. [246] [247] The
simple process of expressing emotion and being given understanding by
others is insufficient. These emotionally tough situations usually involve
some form of loss, error or injustice. They often involve a significant
adjustment to the person’s life. [248] [249] [250]
Two examples
In order to show how this works, we will look at two examples of situations
requiring complex processing. Following this, we will look at the emotional
stages that we commonly go through during this processing and how to
recognise and manage them.
The first example: Jean and the neighbour dispute
Neighbour disputes can be extremely distressing and make people ill. This
is a true example, as many of my examples are, but with the names and
details changed. Several years ago, Jean’s neighbour planted a hedge
between Jean’s garden and the neighbour’s garden. The hedge was growing
heavily on Jean’s side of the fence. Jean decided to trim the hedge but only
on her side of the garden. When she had finished, the neighbour became
very angry and said that trimming the hedge could kill it. The neighbour
then began a vendetta against Jean, almost as a punishment for what she had
innocently, and legally, done. Jean could not prove that her neighbour had
been behind many of the attacks on her property, such as the poisoning of
her goldfish pond and lawn killer sprayed on parts of her lawn; nor could
she explain the effects on her of being ignored or occasionally shouted at by
the neighbour. Jean had tried all avenues of reconciliation but the neighbour
was not going to change their position. How does she now process this
event, which is on going?
Her human would reason something along the lines of the following: “I
will use facts and logic and come to a conclusion”. Here are the facts, as she
sees them:
The neighbour is not a pleasant person and is unlikely to change
What they are doing is wrong and they are unlikely to stop
They will never apologise and they will never put things right
I could go to court but the stress and cost just aren’t worth it
Injustice will happen, but it’s up to me to accept it, when I can’t change
it
If I can’t manage the situation then I must take myself out of it
I have a choice to move house and cut my losses
Jean can obviously decide not to let her neighbour’s actions take away her
happiness. Wouldn’t it be great if we could do just that? For most of us, this
is so far from reality. Now let’s bring in Jean’s Chimp.
Jean’s Chimp will work with feelings and plan to act on these. Here are
her Chimp’s reactions:
I will not accept this; no matter what it takes, I will keep going until I
get justice
If I can’t get justice, I will get revenge
I might get upset, become angry or despondent but I need to keep
going and win
I would rather suffer than concede because I am not in the wrong
I have rights and expectations
I will rally other neighbours to get support
I see this as a win or lose situation, and I have to win
Some of the Chimp’s thoughts are absolutely correct and could be
acceptable. Fighting for justice might be the right thing to do, regardless of
how long it takes. The point of this example is to clarify the two approaches
and to check their appropriateness. Any plans will have consequences.
When Jean is in Chimp mode, there is no peace of mind because her Chimp
cannot process the situation, as it will remain focussed on the problem. [251]
[252] There are no solutions from the Chimp, just strategies to ‘win’.
Winning or losing will both have their own long-term consequences, but the
Chimp can’t see this. How can Jean process this situation, if she wants to
move on?
Jean will process the Human track by rationalising and using her facts
and logic. Her Chimp will need help because this is a complex situation. It
won’t be solved with logic alone or by just allowing the Chimp to vent its
feelings and receive some reassurances from others. [83] [253]
In the real situation that this
example was based on, ‘Jean’ sold
her dream house and moved. After
some time, she told me that it was
the best thing that she had ever done
and she was really happy again with
pleasant and helpful neighbours. In
effect, her Chimp ‘lost’ but Jean
won! Her Chimp needed to grieve,
which will be described later in this
unit.
The second example: A relationship break-up

Being involved in an intimate relationship is something that almost
everyone experiences. Sadly, a break-up can be very painful. Imagine
someone who is involved in an intimate relationship and their partner has
decided to end it. The person doesn’t want to break up but their Human
knows that the relationship is over. Rationally, the break-up might make
sense, and so in theory, the person should be able to move on quite quickly.
We know that this just isn’t the way it usually works. This is because the
Chimp cannot process emotional information quickly, frequently gets stuck
and becomes unable to move on. [254] As the Chimp cannot work with
reality, it will try to reject reality and make things happen the way it wants
or expects them to happen. This will lead the Chimp to go through various
emotional stages, as it struggles to accept the facts. [246]
Emotional stages during complex
processing
When the Chimp tries to process an emotionally complex situation, it can go
through a number of stages. These stages of emotional processing can be
experienced in any situation where there is difficulty coming to terms with
something. [247] [248]
Here are examples of situations where we might experience the stages:
An injustice or perceived injustice
Failing to achieve; in exams, gaining a promotion or achieving a
sporting success
A loss of something that is valued
A missed opportunity or poor decision, with implications
A tragic experience that could have been avoided
Consequences of being in the wrong place at the wrong time
Rather than go through each of these experiences individually, we will look
at some common emotional stages experienced, by using the ‘grief reaction’
as an example. [249]
The Grief Reaction

We can experience a grief reaction when any change or loss has occurred in
our lives; it is far more common than you might think. [250] We can also
experience anticipatory grief, when we fear that a loss or change might
happen. [251]
Here are some examples:

Loss of a role or job
Loss of a routine
Loss or break-up of a relationship
The death of someone close
A change in body image
A change in self-identity
Moving house
A serious illness occurring
Brain connections
- Scientific points
The grief reaction represents the Chimp trying to come to terms with reality. As we grieve,
we see both the Human and Chimp processing grief assisted by the Computer. [252] [246]
Areas of the brain, including the anterior cingulate gyrus and the nucleus accumbens,
become active and register pain. The Human parts of the brain, such as the dorsolateral
prefrontal cortex, will put words to the pain and loss and this will help to process the grief.
[253] [254] [255] [256]
The way our mind deals with the grief reaction is divided
The Human can be helped to process grief

Talking through what has happened will help the Human to come to terms
with grief and accept it. The Computer will help with this process by
offering helpful beliefs, truths and perspective. This rational part of dealing
with grief might be difficult but nowhere near as difficult as our emotions.
[142] [257]
What are the typical emotions that a Chimp goes through?

The grief reaction is well recognised and described in various ways by
many therapists. [257] [258] Grief usually takes months or years to work
through and can lead to adjustment problems. [258] As the Chimp tries to
process what has happened, typical emotions experienced are:
Denial: A refusal to believe it is true

Trying to see how things could be changed or could have
Bargaining: been different. The sentence from the Chimp often starts
with “if only”.
Yearning: A longing for what was
Anger: Often randomly directed
Disorganisation
The reality dawns and distress and grief set in
:
Organisation: A new life emerges with acceptance and energy
These emotions occur because the starting point for the Chimp is not with
reality but with a position of what it wants to see. In the eyes of the Chimp
no change should have taken place. Knowing that the Chimp cannot accept
reality helps to us to make sense of many of the emotional ‘stages’ that the
Chimp will experience. These emotions cannot be rushed through but
always take time. Not everyone will experience these stages, which might
not follow an order and can repeat.
The first four stages: denial, bargaining, yearning and anger are seen
during the period leading to acceptance.
Once we have come to accept the reality of a situation, a disorganised stage

begins followed by an organised stage.
Typical emotions experienced during grief
Although these stages of grief have been identified, grief is a very personal
experience and dealing with change or loss has no ‘normal’ pattern. [173]
Each of us must deal with grief in our own way. However, as some feelings
are common, it helps to recognise and know how to deal with these.
Dealing with common feelings
associated with change and loss
Denial
In the very early stages of grief, a common experience is denial. This is
when we just cannot believe or accept what has happened. We keep
challenging the facts and carry on as if they were not true. When presented
with the facts of a situation, the Human will settle, but the Chimp typically
does not. Denial can last for minutes or years. When denial lasts for years, it
is more of a protective mechanism to prevent emotional pain than a refusal
to accept the situation.
Example of denial: An inability to take the facts on board
Years ago, I was running a clinic in hospital. A patient had received some
terrible news and it had been clearly explained to them that sadly they
would not live more than a few more weeks. It seemed as if they had
understood. However, at the end of the consultation, the patient then asked
if it was wise for them to book flights to visit relatives in the USA at
Christmas. It was February at the time. When denial is this strong it is best
to allow the person more time to process the information they have
received. It’s not unusual for someone in denial to be unable to accept the
obvious. This is not a conscious decision by the person not to listen; it is a
mechanism to try to prevent emotional pain.
Example of denial: The inability to accept a breakup
I worked with a young woman, whose partner had left her. She had not
managed to grieve because she was stuck in denial. This denial had been
continuing for several years. All of the facts were obvious and clear to her
friends, but she did not accept them. The young man she had been with, had
not only found a new partner but had married the new partner and also
started a family and had two young children. The person I was working with
continued to rationalise that her ex-partner had made a mistake and he
would eventually find this out. This is quite a severe example, but if you
search your own experiences, you might find many subtle examples of it
happening to yourself. The important point is that it is normal, and almost
expected. It comes from the Chimp because this is its way of handling what
is happening.
Bargaining
Bargaining is seen when our Chimp begins sentences with words such as,
“If only…”. It’s an attempt to turn back the clock and stop the change or
event from happening.
Bargaining occurs because the Chimp always believes that what it wants
to happen will happen. Therefore, when things don’t go according to its
expectations, it will try to bargain to change things. In grief, the Chimp
works with this approach in order to process the emotions it is experiencing.
Bargaining can help the Chimp to close off avenues of futile hope; therefore
allowing a Chimp to bargain is a worthwhile exercise.
Example of bargaining: An error of judgement
Richard was driving his car and had to pass a cyclist. Instead of slowing
down, he thought he had time to get around the cyclist but misjudged the
speed of an on-coming car. He managed to avoid the cyclist, but the on-
coming car swerved and hit the back of Richard’s car. When the situation
had been dealt with and Richard was on his way again, his Chimp began
bargaining, in order to process the emotions he was feeling. This would
range from self-recrimination to a blame game. He could blame the cyclist,
the other driver, the road for being too narrow and so on. As he processes
the situation, he might well ‘bargain’ with: “If only I had been five minutes
later”, “If only I had slowed down”, “If only the road were wider” and so it
goes on. If your mind is going to go down this route, then go with it and
help the Chimp by discussing the futility of bargaining. It’s still worth
allowing your Chimp to bargain, if it won’t move on, so that you can help it
to lay the incident to rest.
Example of bargaining: The end of a relationship

We experience a lot of bargaining when relationships are ending. This time
the bargaining is in real time as the event is unfolding. So typically, we
might hear one of the couple saying, “If I do this” or “If you do that”
believing that it will all be better again. It could be a reasonable suggestion
because it might help to save or build up a relationship, but often we are not
recognising that this is mere futile bargaining and part of a grieving process.
The reason that this is often futile bargaining is that it is one-sided with just
one of the couple interested in trying to go forward with the relationship.
Once we realise that the bargaining is not achievable, it might be time to
help the Chimp to move on with questions such as, “Where do I go from
here?”.
Yearning
Yearning for what used to be is another emotional process seen within grief.
[259] We might have to express these yearnings on several occasions before
these emotions begin to settle and don’t keep dominating our lives. By
expressing yearning, the Chimp can Yearning can help us move on
begin to accept what has happened.
To yearn for the past is very
common and it often accompanies
bargaining. Whenever we reminisce
about the past, yearning can be
replaced by enjoying the memory
from the past but living in the here
and now.
Example of yearning: The change or loss of a role or job

Our Humans know that life is dynamic and nothing is static. Changes are
often imposed upon us and can cause a lot of grief. At work, we hear
ourselves saying things such as, “Why can’t we just go back to what we
were doing”, “Why do we need these changes”, “It was really good when I
worked that way” or “It’ll never be the same’’. If the changes are non-
negotiable, all of these statements might be true, but it won’t bring back
what used to be. Allowing the Chimp to yearn will help it to eventually
process the situation and move on.
Example of yearning: Ageing and acceptance
We all age but not always gracefully or with acceptance! Our physical
bodies and minds mature as we go through life. Each morning we wake up
as a different person from the day before. Accepting changes that occur to
us physically and our inability to do what we used to, is a skill in itself. [233]
Yearning for youth or previous abilities can become very destructive.
Learning to move away from yearning and into accepting yourself, as you
are today, sometimes has to be worked on.
Acceptance is a skill
Anger
Anger is a common stage of grief. [173] The anger experienced might not be
rational, so there is not much point in trying to rationalise it away. This
anger can be directed almost anywhere. It might be directed towards the
person himself or herself or to someone else connected with the loss or
change. It is rarely justified, and it is frequently out of proportion. Anger is
a substitute emotion. The more appropriate emotion would be sadness or
sorrow, but these emotions can be too painful to experience or manage, so
anger is substituted instead. Anger can also present as irritability.
Example of anger: A devastatingly sad situation
I worked recently with a man whose Anger can be irrational during
son had taken his own life. Clearly grief
this was a devastating experience for
the father. During the next year he
told me of an uncontrollable anger
with the world. He knew this was
not rational because it was often
aimed at total strangers. He could
experience anger when just seeing a
stranger smiling. Whenever we feel
that an injustice has occurred or
when we feel that something could
have been avoided, anger is a
common emotional reaction. Anger
is then easily displaced into other areas of our lives. For this man, it helped
to understand that anger is a common, though irrational, experience during
grief. He went on to explore his beliefs about his son and what had
happened. This enabled him to start seeing the situation from a different
perspective. With time, his anger subsided and gave way to acceptance.
Example of anger: Suppressed grief
I worked with a young man who wanted help to manage anger issues. Anger
is a symptom not a diagnosis. The symptom of anger can appear for many
reasons and it is important to find and treat the cause of the anger.
Sometimes, grief is the cause.
Relatives described the young man as frequently becoming intolerant and
aggressive. During discussions, it transpired that a very strict aunt had
raised him. Her method of dealing with him was to demean and mock him.
His reaction to this was suppressed anger. His grief arose from the loss of
his mother and his perceived ‘loss’ of a loving and caring upbringing.
Grieving for a perceived loss is when we grieve for something we never
had.
When we worked through his childhood experiences, he was able to
process them. We also looked at his anger as being natural but unhelpful.
Along with other aspects of therapy, we were able to diffuse the anger and
replace it with constructive emotions and a different interpretation of
himself and the world.
Many of us carry emotional scars that will affect us from time to time.
However, if we are suppressing emotions from any event in our life and
have not addressed them, then they will typically keep breaking through.
[177] Often, we don’t even realise where our emotions are coming from or
why we might appear to be overreacting or becoming angry.
Disorganisation
Disorganisation can be spread across the whole of the grief reaction, but it
usually appears after the reality of a loss has been accepted. Denial,
bargaining, yearning and anger give way to a sense of despondency.
Disorganisation is the lack of ability to keep things together. It often
involves:
Forgetfulness
Numbness Key Point
Loss of energy Low mood, insomnia and
Inability to prioritise loss of appetite are
Lack of motivation to do common during the
anything disorganisation stage.
Example of disorganisation: The aftermath of an affair

Sarah has just experienced a relationship break up. She had been with her
husband for nearly ten years, but he had an affair and decided to leave her.
She felt that they could have worked it out and was devastated by his
leaving. She attempted to change the situation and went through phases of
denial, bargaining, yearning and anger. Finally, she has accepted that the
marriage is over.
This state of realisation and acceptance typically brings a collapse in our
ability to function. It can bring a loss of confidence in many areas of our life
and show symptoms more characteristic of depressive illness. Therefore,
Sarah might have trouble sleeping, becoming very weepy, and lose all
interest in others and any social activities. Although these symptoms might
appear to be a depressive illness, this is not the case. They represent a stage
of disorganisation, where any effort might seem exhausting and there feels
little point to doing anything. It is a passing phase and the Chimp just needs
time to process the realisation. It is not usually helpful to push people in this
position to socialise or make efforts to move on. Compassionate support is
mainly what is needed. When they are ready, they will pass into a stage of
reorganisation.
Example of disorganisation: Loss of routine and purpose
Elite athletes often find it difficult to adjust to the loss of their lifestyle
when they retire. The abrupt change in daily routines of training and focus
are lost. Their disorganisation can be quite severe and can be accompanied
by a change of self-image. It can be the same for someone who retires from
work. It can appear to be as if the person has depression. Elite athletes can
even experience a similar sense of loss and disorganisation following
success at a major championship. Anyone who has completed a project or
challenge can feel disorganised when it is completed.
Sometimes, a simple remedy to prevent this low mood can be to plan
beyond the event; even a planned holiday can make the difference.
Depressive features caution
Many people will experience what appears to be a mild form of depression
when grieving. They could have:
Low mood
Poor sleep
Loss of appetite
Feel physically exhausted
Periods of weepiness
These are all ‘normal’ experiences following a loss. If, however, you are at
all concerned, or the symptoms really are stopping you from continuing
with your life, then you should see a doctor to get a check-up: depressive
illness can occur in the setting of grief or loss.
Reorganisation
Reorganisation is the time when the symptoms have been processed and you
begin to pick up again. It is a time when the loss has been accepted and a
new chapter in your life is being written.
Two very important points regarding reorganisation
1. There are no time limits for when this should happen. It depends on
many factors. One is whether the processing of the grief has gone
smoothly. Another is whether a new lifestyle is able to emerge. It can
also depend on exactly what has been lost or changed and the specific
impact of that loss on the individual. Many people find the first three
months are the hardest. Most find that after the first twelve months
have passed, they are moving on with their lives.
2. After a grief reaction, we might be left with an ‘emotional’ scar. This
means that any stage of grief can revisit us from time to time; this is a
normal experience.
It’s normal for emotional scars to resurface
How can we help to process change or loss?

There are a few things that we can
do to help the grieving process, Key Point
whatever the change or loss is. The
first suggestion is to go with the Any grieving experience
events and feelings as they present. you have will be normal
Try not to fight any emotions you for you.
might experience. This doesn’t mean
giving up, but instead work with them. As we are all unique, it is important
that you treat yourself as a unique individual. Don’t compare what is
happening to you, with what is happening to others. Work with the way that
your mind is presenting to you. I can recall an unhappy case where two
parents were trying to come to terms with the death of their child. Each was
grieving very differently from the other. By working in their own way, they
learnt to understand how different the process was for each other.
Keep talking if it helps
Usually by talking through a
situation or event, we continue to Key Point
process the emotions involved. [88]
[81] [260] [143][261] For example, I
It helps to talk your
emotions through. If
worked with a professional man
possible, try to find
whose role at work had been
someone who will listen
adversely altered. He was extremely
and not judge.
distressed by being disempowered
and desperately wanted his previous
role re-instated. It’s not an unusual problem. His Human could rationally
accept that the decision had been made and would not change. It accepted
facts such as: roles change with time, companies don’t always deal with
change well, others make the decisions and it is out of my hands. However,
his Chimp still had to process the change and it would not respect reason
and logic. By going through his feelings and emotions several times, and by
allowing him to keep expressing these, without judgement, he reached a
point whereby he began to laugh and remarked that he was fed up of
listening to his Chimp. If you let your Chimp keep on complaining or
wittering, it often gets exhausted and decides that it has moaned enough. Be
warned, some Chimps can complain and witter for a long time. There is a
point where you might have to confront your Chimp and ask it how long it
wants to keep this up!
Repeatedly talking about the same event can help to process it
Re-living emotions can help

In treating post-traumatic stress disorder, re-living the emotions experienced
at the time of the event can help with the processing of the situation. By ‘re-
living emotions’, it means going back in time to the event and then re-
experiencing the same feelings that were experienced at that time. This re-
living of emotions helps the Chimp to process the event. It does this by
allowing the Human to put into the Computer some rational beliefs to
accompany the emotion. [246] The Computer then interprets these beliefs
and speaks to the Chimp in its own language. For example, if someone had
been trapped in a building where a fire started and had escaped, they might
suffer from intrusive memories and emotions. Some rational beliefs would
be:
This is an experience from the past and is over now
It is unlikely to happen to you again
You did escape and are unharmed
The next time the emotions appear, the Computer will remind the Chimp of
these beliefs. Re-living emotions is best done with a qualified therapist, as it
can clearly be traumatic while the processing is taking place.
Pathological Grief
In a few cases of grief, the grieving process halts and the person gets stuck.
We term this ‘pathological grief’, because we see it as not being ‘usual’ or
acceptable. People can get stuck for many reasons and if this happens, or
aspects such as guilt appear, then it is wise to consult a professional for
help. If you are in any doubt seek out help. [250] [262] [263]
Writing a new chapter in your life
Some people find it helpful to see their life in chapters. When a change has
occurred, they round up the chapter in their mind and see tomorrow as a
new chapter. This way of looking at life can help to draw clear lines for
seeing the past, the present and the future.
An ever-changing world
One of the strongest Autopilots that we can have in our Computer is a truth
that our worlds are forever changing. Our Chimps find this truth difficult to
accept and therefore react to any changes that they don’t approve of, which
can lead to a grief reaction. Accepting and managing change is a Human
role. The Computer can manage the Chimp by introducing the truth that the
world inevitably changes every day.
Creating Autopilots for an ever-changing world
Unit 13
Reminders
The grief reaction has recognised ‘stages’:
Denial
Bargaining
Yearning
Anger
Disorganisation
Organisation
Working with and through these stages helps grief to be managed
Hidden loss is worth searching for and addressing
Professional help should be sought when the emotional response is
severe
Unit 13
Exercises
1. Helping the Chimp through stages of a grief reaction
2. Recognising that the past is the past
3. Your lifeline exercise
4. Explaining how Chimps and Humans process information
Focus 1: Helping the Chimp through stages

of a grief reaction
By far the largest factor that will help the Chimp to manage a loss,
regardless of what stage it appears to be in, is to talk about the loss. By
talking we allow expression of emotion but also start to work through
phases such as yearning and bargaining. [88] [81] [260] [143][261]
Exercise: Managing a loss
Whatever the loss is that you have experienced, try to set time aside to talk
this through with a friend. It isn’t always necessary to understand the
feelings associated with a loss because they are not always rational. The
important point is to express your feelings. Discussing more rational
thoughts will follow expression. It is important to deal with grief or loss in
your own way, because we all do this uniquely. Try to remind your Chimp
to be your best friend and not your worst critic when managing loss.
Focus 2: Recognising that the past is the

past
Although change and loss can be very painful, eventually, the pain will
subside. Try to see past events as belonging to yesterday and not to today.
All of us carry emotional scars into our future but these scars don’t have to
prevent us from enjoying our future.
Exercise: Putting the past into the past and living in the present
Try to detect any events that are still troubling you, but belong to the past.
Sometimes…painful memories can be managed by simply recognising that
they are not currently happening and that time has moved on. Every day,
when we get up in the morning, we are not the same person that we were
the day before. It is helpful to recognise this and to leave your past life and
past self behind. Of course, we want some memories, but recognising them
as memories, can help us to live in the present.
Focus 3: Your lifeline exercise

Exercise: Accepting the reality of life
A useful exercise to gain some perspective for helping to process events in
your life is the ‘lifeline’ exercise.
Simply draw on a piece of paper a timeline graph, as shown in the
diagram, to represent your life from your birth to the age of 100 years.
In the example, the OK line represents neither happy nor sad.

Our example, shows a person who has had an up and down life so far.
They have predicted their future years with the dotted line.
On your graph, put your life so far with the highs and the lows. Then try
and predict the future by drawing a line to show what you might predict
will happen.
For most people, this predicted line shows both highs and lows. Nobody
draws a line that is consistently high and nobody draws a line that is
consistently low because life doesn’t do this to any of us. Life gives us both
highs and lows in different portions.
The point of drawing this line is to help you to accept the reality of life and
thereby process events more easily. There will be future highs and there will
be future lows. When the lows happen, they will pass and when the highs
happen they are there to enjoy, as they will also pass. Could we influence
the amount of highs and lows we have? Quite evidently, we can all develop
a more positive approach to life and to any setbacks. We can also learn to
live in the moment and enjoy it more. The lifeline graph can help by giving
us a reality check on expectations. We always have a choice in how we
manage what life brings our way.
Focus 4: Explaining how Chimps and

Humans process information
We can fail to process information if we don’t recognise the need for both
Human and Chimp systems to act. This can leave us wondering why we
can’t seem to get over some events.
Exercise: Advice to a friend
Imagine that one of your close friends, Archie, tells you that they are
struggling with a problem and would like your advice on it.
The problem: Archie said that at work there had been an investigation
into the theft of packs of notebooks and pens. The thief was never caught.
About twenty people work in the company. By chance, Archie overheard
that a colleague had spread malicious rumours about him being the thief.
When confronted, the colleague denied spreading the rumour, but Archie is
sure it was them.
Archie says, “I can’t prove my innocence and I can’t prove their guilt”
and asks why he can’t move on. Before you read the suggested answer that
follows, try and explain how you would help Archie to process the event
and to move on.
Suggested answer
Archie needs to appreciate that he will need to process the event in two very
different ways: The Human way and the Chimp way.
The Human can process the event by stating some facts, such as:
Sometimes in life, we CANNOT win
Sometimes an injustice DOES occur, and we can’t do anything about it
Sometimes we CANNOT prove a truth because it becomes one
person’s word against another
Reasonable people will understand your situation and be fair
We cannot make people’s minds up for them
You know the truth
The Chimp is likely to need:

Time to work through this painful experience
To express some strong emotions, such as anger
To express its feelings repeatedly until it feels it is heard and
understood
To go over the details of the injustice until it feels exhausted going
through them
To hear some truths from the Computer that have been repeated
regularly, such as:
Most people suffer an injustice at some point in their lives
What you are experiencing is normal
You can move on from this, often after going through the same stages
as a grief reaction
You have people on your side and you are not alone
Unit 14
Working with reality and truths
STAGE 5: will look at in detail at how we set up an effective
Stone of Life and our Troop. These two aspects are critical to
stability. The Stone of Life will always settle the Human and
usually settle the Chimp. If the Stone of Life fails to settle the
Chimp then it will use the Troop.
Unit 14: will cover the first feature on the Stone of Life: Working
with reality and the ‘Truths of Life’. This is the first large step
towards emotional stability.
Changing our default position

If left alone the mind will default into Chimp mode and remain there. If the
Chimp is fully relaxed, then it will allow the Computer to take over and run
our lives. [235] [236] The problem is that the Chimp is rarely fully relaxed,
and it constantly takes the steering back off the Computer. The Computer
can only remain in charge if it is programmed.
What we are going to do next is to learn how to change our default
position from Chimp mode to Human mode. In other words, we will set off
each day in Human mode and default back to this mode throughout the day,
rather than setting off each day in Chimp mode and defaulting back to
Chimp mode. This way, in times of ‘danger’ the Chimp will still alert us
and take over, but the rest of the day we will remain in Human mode.
The USUAL default position
A more HELPUL default position
Is it going to be a struggle every day?

When dealing with the Chimp on a day-to-day basis, it can become
exhausting because the Chimp never stops commenting or expressing
emotion. It can feel like a permanent battle to keep the Chimp at bay and
move into Human mode.
Rather than doing battle with the Chimp, it would be great if we could
prevent most hijacks from ever occurring in the first place. This would
make mind management much easier.
The good news is that managing your Chimp doesn’t have to be a
struggle every day. The reality is a paradox in itself: the more we relax the
more influence we have in managing our Chimps; the more we take the
Chimp on, and tense up, the less influence we have. This is because when
we relax, we are sending a message to the Chimp that all is well and
therefore the Chimp stops looking for danger. [262] [48]
Those who work with dogs know that if a dog senses the owner is
uneasy, then the dog becomes uneasy and will go into protection mode.
However, even in the face of uncertainty, if an owner remains calm then the
dog will settle. Fussing a dog and telling it not to worry when walking near
heavy, noisy traffic will only alert the dog to believing that something must
be wrong. If instead, we ignore the traffic, then the dog will take its lead
from us, and settle down and accept the situation.
Our Chimps are similar. If we make a big deal of something, then the
Chimp will join in. If we retain perspective and refocus, then the Chimp is
very likely to follow. [263] So how do we relax ourselves and thereby our
Chimp? By using a preventative approach!
Preventative stance
As doctors, we have always diagnosed and Do you really want to
treated patients. During the 1970’s and 80’s arm-wrestle your
preventative medicine gained prominence. Chimp?!
We realised that it was better to prevent a
problem from occurring in the first place
than to wait until there is a problem to treat.
So far we have considered how to
manage the mind when the Chimp has
hijacked us. Now we can consider how to
prevent Chimp hijacks from happening.
Battling with your emotions and thoughts
can be exhausting and is called ‘arm-
wrestle the Chimp’.
Example: Penny and low self-esteem
Penny’s Chimp says that she feels she is not as good as everyone else and
this makes her feel like an onlooker to the world. She experiences a lack of
confidence, poor self-image and feelings of sadness and emptiness. Penny’s
Chimp engages with these feelings, which results in further feelings of
despair. Penny tries to block the emotions and control them by trying to
make herself happy but it just isn’t working. She is arm-wrestling her
Chimp.
Penny could have prevented the emotions from occurring in the first
place, by choosing to let her Human decide on her self-esteem. The Human
will look to her values to determine how she perceives herself. It’s true that
Penny might not have the talent, skills or looks that others might have. It’s
whether she wishes to allow her Chimp to measure her self-esteem on these
things.
The brain’s operating process and

how to improve things
The key to preventing Chimp hijacks
and remaining in Human mode is Key Point
hidden in the Computer. The
Programming the
Computer can restrain both Human
Computer well is the key
and Chimp and even take over. . [264]
[217] [265] Hence, programming the
to mind management.
Computer is our focus.
The Computer is key to mind management
Example: The talk

Alice is about to give the staff briefing. Her Chimp is worrying that she
won’t be well received and that she might make a mess of things. The
Chimp cannot take over because Alice has programmed her Computer
effectively.
The programmed Computer
Her Chimp must consult the Computer and is reassured that all is well, so it
doesn’t react.
This example shows how Alice programmed her Computer with truths
that settled her Chimp down. It was for one specific situation, giving a
briefing to some staff.
This all sounds great, but we have
a problem. If we have to have a Key Point
programme specifically for every There is a way for the
single situation we encounter, then mind to deal with virtually
we would have to think of thousands
and thousands of truths and this just ANY situation.
isn’t practical. Some common
situations we regularly encounter might benefit greatly from having a
specific ‘truth package’, so I am not saying we shouldn’t do this, but the
question is, “Can we have a package that will help to settle the Chimp in
every situation?”
The answer is “YES”!
The Stone of Life: The ultimate mind

stabiliser
Contained in the Computer system are three components that can create a
stable mind, if they are programmed correctly. These three components are:
1. Reality and the Truths of Life
2. Values
3. Perspective (your Life Force – what it all means to you)
We can put them together to form
the ‘Stone of Life’, our ultimate Key Point
reference point for all situations. If The Stone of Life is the
we get these three components stabilising force that will
correctly programmed, then no
keep you in Human mode
matter what situation we meet, we
and also return you to it if
can manage our Chimp. It is critical
you are momentarily
that the Computer is programmed
hijacked.
correctly and that it is YOUR
programming not that from someone
else! The details on your Stone of Life will be unique to you.
The ultimate stabiliser

We will now consider the three components of the Stone of Life in more
detail, starting in this unit with Reality and the Truths of Life.
Working with reality

There is a very important difference between the Human and Chimp when it
comes to reality. We have briefly covered this concept earlier but need to
explore it in more detail and then utilise it.
The Human’s starting point is to work with:

What presents itself
The facts
The many truths of the way life runs
Hopes rather than expectations
The Chimp’s starting point is to work with:

What it wants to be in front of it
What it expects to happen
What it believes should happen
An expectation of fairness
The difference between these two approaches to life is massive. If you are
in Chimp mode, your entire approach will be centred on what should
happen. If it doesn’t happen as you expect or want it to, then the Chimp will
react adversely. If you are in Human mode, you will work with reality. [266]
[267] [268] [269] You will accept the reality of whatever is happening and work
with it, even if it is not what you want.
The starting point for going forward
Expectations versus reality

The Chimp effectively writes the script in advance of how any day or
situation will unfold. When it doesn’t happen the way the Chimp expects, it
can then react with emotions such as frustration, anger or despondency. [270]
To add to the Chimp’s distress, the Chimp doesn’t believe that it can deal
with any consequences. Therefore, anything that isn’t going according to
plan becomes a source of frustration and stress and even fear.
Chimps and children find it very hard to deal with any consequences of
life events. Adult Humans can work with anything that life brings to their
door.
Example: Unexpected item in the bagging area
Irene is going home and looking forward to watching the final episode of
her favourite programme on the television. She is running slightly late but
has time to get some items from the supermarket.
She is in a good place and in a relaxed Chimp mode, which is not
necessarily a bad thing. She has no particular emotions and there are no
obvious indications that she is in Chimp mode, but the Chimp is in charge.
Her Chimp has already written the script of how the supermarket shopping
will go. It sees the self-service area as clear, with no queues, and a quick
and easy way to purchase her items. However, when she gets to the self-
service area, she sees two people in the queue, which the Chimp sees as a
horrendous number of people in the queue. Immediately her Chimp begins
to get ruffled because this isn’t the way it pictured the check out.
The Chimp starts to single people out who clearly are not going quickly
enough. The Chimp has already begun to become irritated because it can’t
work with the reality of the situation.
Finally, a little agitated, Irene reaches the scanner. She starts quickly
putting her items through the scanner. The Chimp is already whispering in
her ear, “You are going to miss your programme because of these stupid
people”. Suddenly the scanner beeps and she hears it say in a well-spoken
voice: “Unexpected item in the bagging area”. As there is no unexpected
item in the bagging area, her Chimp bares its teeth. It cannot cope with
reality, but only with what it expects and wants to see. She calls for the
assistant, who is helping an elderly woman to operate her scanner. The
assistant smiles, as does the elderly woman. The Chimp has now totally lost
it because these people are not taking her distress seriously. Who knows
what the Chimp might do next? Whatever it is, it might end up explaining it
to a judge.
Let’s rewind and begin the scenario again to see the difference between the
Chimp and the Human in action.
Irene is going home and looking forward to watching the final episode of
her favourite programme on the television. She is running slightly late but
has time to get some items from the supermarket.
She is in a good place and in Human mode. She has no particular
emotions and there is no obvious indication that she is in Human mode, but
the Human is in charge. Her Human has no expectation of how the
shopping will go but it hopes that it will be uneventful, and it plans to use
the scanner at the self-service area to save time. When Irene gets to the self-
service area, she sees a small yet insignificant queue of two people. Her
Human accepts the reality of the situation and rationalises that the queue
will eventually go down. She reaches the scanner in a calm and collected
manner.
She quickly starts putting her items through the scanner. The Chimp is
already about to whisper in her ear, “You are going to miss your programme
because of these stupid people”. However, the Chimp doesn’t do this
because before it whispers it looks into the Computer and sees a
programmed truth; life may not run the way I want it to, and when it
doesn’t, I will be able to deal with any consequences. The Chimp settles
because this fact is true, whatever happens Irene will cope. Suddenly the
scanner beeps and a voice says, “Unexpected item in the bagging area”. As
there is nothing unusual in the bagging area, Irene looks for assistance. She
calls for the assistant, who is helping an elderly woman to operate her
scanner. The assistant smiles, as does the elderly woman and Irene
rationalises that “It is disappointing not to see the last episode of my
programme”. Then she says to herself, “I might still make it and if I don’t,
then there will be a way to watch it later”. She smiles back at the elderly
lady.
Can we attain this response as a reality YES!
Programming the Computer to work

with reality
So how do we stay in Human mode?
We need to programme the Computer with some Truths of Life in order to
remain in Human mode and to stay working with reality.
Here are some common sense reality statements:

Just because I want something to happen doesn’t mean that it will
happen
Not everything will go the way that I want it to
Getting frustrated with reality isn’t helpful
Nearly everything will work out in the end
This situation probably won’t be important in a week’s time
Learning to accept reality and then working with it, can be very
constructive
Adult Humans can deal with anything in life
Setting off each day in Human mode will help me to work with reality
The Computer getting into reality mode
It might be worth re-reading the

above list. Allow the statements to Key Point
sink in. If you rush through them,
It is important to
their meanings might not be fully
appreciate the advantage
appreciated and applied.
of setting off in Human
Try to visualise situations where
mode, and working with
you could have switched mode, so
reality. Without this
that you can see the benefits of
appreciation, it is unlikely
working with reality. In Human
that you will make the
mode, we can still make plans, when
effort to acquire the skill.
reality is doing us no favours. Being
proactive is still necessary to ensure
that being in Human mode is an advantage.
Key Point
Working with reality is
not the same as
accepting life and doing
nothing about it.
The difference between ‘reasonable’ and ‘realistic’ is important
Reasonable does not mean realistic!

Expectations can be reasonable or unreasonable. Unreasonable expectations
of situations or people are obviously unhelpful. However, even reasonable
expectations can create problems. Reasonable expectations must also be
realistic (that is, they are based on reality), otherwise we will end up back in
Chimp mode. For example, it is reasonable to expect everyone to be
thoughtful, but it isn’t realistic. The Chimp demands that things are
reasonable, the Human hopes things will be reasonable but operates with
realism. Therefore, when someone isn’t thoughtful, the Chimp becomes
irate, whereas the Human remains calm and deals with the reality.
If we are in Chimp mode and have reasonable expectations but are not
working with realistic expectations, then it is likely that we will have
unhelpful emotional reactions. If we are in Human mode with reasonable
expectations but also work with realistic expectations, then it is unlikely
that we will have any emotional reaction. The Human can accept that
sometimes we can’t win and sometimes tasks are impossible to achieve, and
we can only do what we can do.
Here are some examples to demonstrate the difference between reasonable
and realistic.
Example: Interacting with a stranger
John is at a gathering where he is meeting a lot of new people. The
atmosphere is vibrant, and everyone seems to be on their best behaviour. At
this point, his Chimp has set its expectation that anyone it meets will be
civil, pleasant and engaging with him. This is a reasonable expectation.
After meeting a few people, he meets Marion, who is not having a good
day! Marion confronts him quite abruptly and is rude and dismissive
towards him. If John is in Chimp mode, he will get an emotional reaction
and might act on this. His Chimp could personalise the situation and see
Marion’s behaviour as an ‘attack’ directed at it.
If he is in Human mode and working with reality, he will not react. This
is because although it is reasonable to expect a civil interaction, the reality
is that we do meet rude or unpleasant people. His Human can accept this.
He will not personalise the ‘attack’, but rather accept it, and then deal with
it appropriately. He could, for example, be assertive and explain that he
does not wish to be disrespected. He could choose to enlighten Marion
about her approach, or he could just simply excuse himself and walk away.
Chimps and Humans both have reasonable expectations, but
the Human adds reality.
The key principle is that the Human accepts reality as it is and then has a
plan to deal with it in a dignified manner. He has also not taken the situation
personally, even if it were intended as a personal insult.
Example: The ‘thoughtless’ teenager
Teenage brains are not fully developed and show many traits that are typical
of the undeveloped brain. [271] [272] The brain is actually at the right stage of
development for the age of the person, which means that it will function
differently from the adult brain. One adolescent feature is that teenagers are
easily distracted and lose focus. [273]
Zak is a typical teenager and has been asked by his mother to remember
to feed the family dog, while she attends his parents’ evening at school. Zak
clearly wants to do this and has every intention of doing it, especially since
his mother is getting feedback on him from school.
When his mother returns, she finds Zak watching the television and the
dog looking hungry. Zak’s mother is very reasonable in expecting that her
son will remember to feed the dog. However, is it realistic to think that a
teenage brain will definitely remember? The fact that he forgot might be
disappointing, but Zak’s intention was not to forget. Of course, there is a
need to address how he might manage better in the future, but we are
working with a teenage brain!
Being realistic about people and life helps us to stay in Human mode.
So how could Zak’s mother have
responded in Human mode? She Key Point
could have expressed her Distinguishing between
disappointment and she could have what is reasonable and
asked Zak how he might remember what is realistic helps us
in future. For example, he could set to prevent a lot of
an alarm on his phone to remind him unnecessary negative
as soon as he is asked to do emotion.
something. What Zak would be
doing is learning how to compensate
for his brain’s limitations, which is what most of us do. However, it’s up to
Zak’s mother how she wishes to see things.
Programming the Computer to stay in

reality mode
It is helpful to start each day by programming our Computer ready to accept
whatever comes our way, and how to deal with it. This exercise can take
just a few minutes. We can rehearse going through any difficult or
important conversations and plan how to present ourselves. We can also
decide on what outcomes we want from various situations and the best way
to achieve them. We can pre-empt the script that the Chimp is likely to try
to write. It is a skill to accept what is in front of us rather than to become
frustrated by it. Again, this doesn’t mean rolling over and accepting the
unacceptable. It also doesn’t mean being passive towards situations or
people. At the end of this section there will be exercises and help in how to
programme your Computer.
The start of the day
The ‘Truths of Life’

The Truths of Life is simply a term used to describe the beliefs, based on
reality, which Humans work with. These Truths are formed from evidence
acquired through learning or from experience. Truths can be statements of
fact or they can be a statement of experience or a mix of both. Truths might
only be true for the individual because they can be based on experience.
For example, you might hold the belief that taking risks is not sensible.
Alternatively, you may hold the belief that taking risks is a necessary part of
being successful. Either statement can be true.
You have to work out what rings true for you and have that firmly
embedded in your Stone of Life, as your reference point.
Truths are what we have to ACCEPT and base our logical plans on, to
help us move forward. They clearly help us to stay working with reality.
Most people can work out around ten fundamental Truths that they have to
remind their Chimp of, on an almost daily basis, so that it is settles down.
Some examples of Truths might be:
Not everyone will understand
me Key Point
I can only do my best in life It is crucial that your
Everything will pass Truths resonate with you;
Not everybody’s opinion otherwise they are not
matters really Truths to you.
Reflection is a great promoter
of change
Opinions are not facts
Something is only as important as I allow it to be
The reason the Truths of Life are so important is because they can settle the
Chimp in virtually all circumstances.
Example: The cancelled flight
Juan is going to an overseas business meeting on the 1st June. He has
packed his bags, but on the 1st June he is told that the flight won’t be
leaving until the 2nd June because of ‘difficulties’.
Unless he is prepared, his Chimp will naturally take over. It starts with
protests and accusations and even paranoid interpretations of what the
airlines are doing to it. It complains bitterly that they have ruined his
business trip and feels they really need to know how hard he has worked for
this opportunity.
His Chimp can’t work with reality.
If Juan had programmed his Stone of Life with some Truths, it’s much less
likely that he would have reacted emotionally. For example, he could have
had the following Truths in his Computer:
Life doesn’t always go the way I expect it to
I need to find all of the facts before I respond to a situation
It will probably all work out in the end
I can always look to find positives in any situation
By preparing the Stone of Life with Truths, Juan could save himself from a
lot of stress and potentially embarrassing Chimp behaviours. He is also
helping his own health. Whenever we allow our Chimp to hijack us with a
negative emotional reaction, we can create an increase in unhealthy
hormones and neurotransmitters in our brain and body. [48] [155] If these
Truths had been in the Computer then the Chimp would have seen them
before it reacted. An unmanaged Chimp can put you into a poor state of
mind for the rest of the day.
A frequently asked question:
What is the difference between an Autopilot, a grade A hit and a Truth on
the Stone of Life?
Autopilots can take two forms:

A constructive and helpful behaviour
A constructive and true belief
Autopilot beliefs that are very helpful can take two forms:
1. Grade A hits
Very helpful Autopilots of belief that resonate within a specific
situation or setting are called grade A hits.
2. Truths of Life
Very helpful Autopilots that could apply to nearly all situations are
Truths of Life found on the Stone of Life.
Example: Greg and the leaking water pipe

Greg has a leaking water pipe in his house. It is dripping through the
ceiling. Here are three true beliefs that he holds:
1. An Autopilot: The belief that the damage will be repairable. The
Autopilot helps him, but it doesn’t settle him too much because it is
still leaking.
2. Grade A hit: Greg believes that the plumber, who is on his way, can
mend the leak. This truth settles Greg much more because it holds a
solution.
3. Truth on his Stone of Life: The belief that ‘everything in life will
come and go and be resolved’. This is a Truth that Greg believes and
this he can apply to any situation.
Example: Jocelyn and her golf tee off

Every time that Jocelyn attempts to tee off, her Chimp tries to take over.
Her Autopilot for her golf is: ‘Look where you want the ball to go and fix on
this.’
A Truth on Jocelyn’s Stone of Life is: ‘If you want to succeed in life then
focus on the process of succeeding and not on how you feel’. This Truth
helps with whatever she is doing in life.
Stabilising yourself with Autopilots and Truths of Life
The Truth can change!

Not everyone believes the same things to be true. For example, take the
following statement: All people are friendly, if you take the time to get to
know them.
Some people believe this to be true, but others might disagree. Therefore,
what someone believes to be true is unique to that person.
Truths can even change! For example, if someone used to believe that all
people are friendly, if you take the time to get to know them, but has now
changed their mind, then that Truth becomes untrue.
Our Autopilots are therefore unique to us because they are what we
believe to be true and what helps us.
Unit 14
Reminders
Preventing the Chimp from reacting is easier and better than dealing
with it when it has already reacted
The Stone of Life is the key to success for staying in Human mode
The Stone of life must be appropriate for you and specific to your
unique life
The Stone of Life is composed of three features:
Reality and the Truths of Life
Values
Perspective
Being in Human mode can have some major advantages
Reality is ‘working with what is in front of us’ and not ‘working with
what we want to be in front of us’
Reasonable and realistic are very different words; realistic helps us to
stay with reality
The Truths of Life need to be worked out and reflected on if they are
to have any effect in helping us
Truths are specific to the individual
Unit 14
Exercises
1. Don’t arm wrestle your Chimp!
2. What is your understanding of ‘expectation’?
3. Reasonable and realistic
4. Your Truths of Life
Focus 1: Don’t arm wrestle your Chimp!

Arm wrestling the Chimp effectively means that someone is fighting with
their emotions and trying to control them. They struggle to step back and
recognise that these emotions are a message from their Chimp and they are
best worked with.
Recall: emotions are there as a prompt to do something, rather than to

engage with them or try and control them.
Exercise: Advising others on using emotions
Try this exercise before reading the comments below the exercise.
What advice would you give the following people to help to move forward,
all of who are struggling with their own specific situation?:
Paul – frustrated that he can’t find the right girlfriend

– upset that her mother doesn’t appear to care about
Jennie
her
Archi
– annoyed at being called lazy by one his friends
e
Bertha – anxious about not getting good quality of sleep
Comments
In all of the cases we are saying the same thing: Don’t engage with these
emotions but rather use them to prompt you to form a plan to solve the
problem. What we do, as a friend, is to move into Human mode and come
up with a plan to help them to go forward. We effectively ignore the
emotion and use it to act.
How easy it is to give others advice! When we look at other people’s
problems, it often seems fairly straightforward on how to manage things.
This being the case, why can’t we give ourselves the advice and take it?
Unless we exercise the Chimp and then move into Human mode to find a
solution, we are likely to get stuck. Next time you find yourself in a similar
position, try and give yourself the advice that comes so easily!
Consider whether you are engaging or using your own emotions. Try to
look at situations where you might be arm-wrestling your Chimp, trying to
battle with and control emotions, rather than using them to form a plan and
move forward.
Focus 2: What is your understanding of

‘expectation’?
‘Expectation’ can be interpreted in a number of different ways. For
example, “I expect to see the train arrive in five minutes”. When we say
this, we can experience different emotional responses, depending on how
we are interpreting the word ‘expect’. This is made clear, if we look at three
different uses of the word “expect” and then see what type of emotion is
likely to occur if the train didn’t arrive in the next five minutes.
1. I expect (it is predictable that) the train will arrive in five minutes
Emotion: Fairly neutral just surprised
2. I expect (I hope that) the train will arrive in five minutes
Emotion: Disappointment
3. I expect (it should/ought to be that) the train will arrive in five minutes
Emotion: Frustration or annoyance
The Human uses the first two types of expectation, whereas the Chimp uses
the third type. The Chimp goes through life with the expectation that things
will happen as it thinks they should happen.
Exercise: Working with a helpful expectation of life
Consider what hidden ‘should’ expectations your Chimp has put into your
Computer. For example, if you meet a partner or friend, has your Chimp put
in a ‘should’ expectation of the type of greeting that you expect from them?
Has it put into your Computer that they should be in a good state of mind
and they should be attentive to me?
To find some hidden ‘should’ expectations, always consider what your
beliefs are underpinning any emotions of frustration or anger.
Focus 3: Reasonable and realistic

We have talked in this unit of how the Human approaches life by being
realistic, as opposed to the Chimp working with what is reasonable. There
is nothing wrong with wanting people and objects to be reasonable when
you work with them but it is often not realistic.
Exercise: Working with a realistic outlook
Think through and recognise the subtle difference between reasonable
expectations and realistic expectations in your own life and the implications
of this. Try to find and address any reasonable but unrealistic approaches
from your Chimp that are creating stress in your life.
Focus 4: Your Truths of Life

Exercise: Work out your Truths of Life
Try to think of specific areas that unsettle your Chimp and work out some
truths around these areas. Then test them out to see if they are effective for
you.
For example:
There are always good people around to lean on
I can always create my own sunshine. This might be useful if you feel
you are not in control of many areas of your life
People are unlikely to change but I can change my approach towards
them
Effort and results don’t always go hand in hand. This might be useful
if you always try very hard but things don’t always work out.
Sometimes the bad guys win. This could be relevant if injustice has
happened to you.
There will always be good times ahead
When the goal posts move, just keep kicking the ball
Use your imagination and find Truths that really resonate with you.
Unit 15
Establishing peace of mind and
happiness
Unit 15: will cover how to find and establish values, which will
unlock the door to finding peace of mind. We will also look at
achieving happiness. Values are the basis for the second large
step towards emotional stability.
Defining values: A comment on the

word ‘value’
The word ‘value’ can be used in two distinct ways:
1. ‘Value’ is sometimes used to describe things that are important or
valuable to you. An item is ‘of value’ to you.
2. ‘Value’, meaning an ideal or moral guide to your conduct.
We will be using ‘value’ to mean what is the right thing to do, morally or
ethically, as this is the meaning of ‘values’ on the Stone of Life.
First, we will look at some examples to clarify the difference between the
two uses of the word and then we will look at why it is very important not to
muddle the two up.
Examples of ‘items of value’:
Having fun
Being content
Being creative
Having personal space
The relationship with my partner
My car
Family
A family keepsake
Health
What this list is showing, is that these are important to the person because
they believe they will bring quality of life and make both their Chimp and
themselves feel secure and happy. Therefore, it is wise to know what these
things are, to invest in them and to make them a priority in life. The list can
include; objects, people, practices or habits and some states of mind.
Examples of ‘value’ meaning an ideal or moral guide to my conduct:
Respect for others
Justice and fair treatment
Loyalty and faithfulness
Compassion
Kindness
Honesty
Integrity
Respect for diversity
Equality without prejudice
Promotion of peace and goodwill
These values form a moral code to guide your behaviour in all situations.
These values are based on society and personal beliefs. What these values
represent is a way of knowing that we are doing the right thing. All of them
are judgement-based and give us a moral compass. They are all measured
by behaviours we display and actions that we take.
Why is it important not to muddle up

the two lists?
What is ‘valuable to us’, and what our ‘values’ are, create two different
lists. The first is our ‘happiness list’ and the second is our ‘peace of mind
list’. What is valuable to us gives us happiness. What is morally correct
gives us peace of mind.
The ‘happiness list’ is a list of what we feel is valuable to bring quality of
life and give us happiness.
The ‘peace of mind’ list defines our moral code. It will be our Human’s
inner strength, particularly in times of trouble. By living by our moral
values, we will find peace of mind, knowing that we have done the right
thing. These moral values are the values inscribed on our Stone of Life.
Surely, ‘happiness’ and ‘peace of
mind’ are the same thing?
These two states of mind usually go together but they don’t always. Most
people would not be happy unless they had peace of mind, but here are
some examples to show that we can have one without the other.
Happiness without peace of mind

Example 1: Jane and the student
Jane was a teacher who was very fond of one of her students, Alice. Alice
struggled with the work but set her heart on passing the exam. On the day
of the exam, Alice became nervous and underperformed. She failed the
course by just a few marks. Everybody else on the course passed. Jane
could not bring herself to fail Alice. She lifted Alice’s result by a few marks
and passed her. Alice was elated. Jane was happy that everyone had passed
and especially that Alice was so happy in herself, but Jane didn’t have
peace of mind. This was because she chose to go against her own values
and moral code of integrity when she changed the marks.
Example 2: Lorna and the money
Lorna borrowed some money from her Aunt. Lorna promised to pay her
Aunt back and felt very uncomfortable about owing the money. One week,
Lorna miscalculated how much money she had and overspent.
Consequently, she fell behind in her payments. This made Lorna feel bad
because she was going against her own values by not honouring her debts.
After talking with her Aunt, Lorna felt better because her Aunt understood
and asked Lorna to pay back what she could, when she could. As the
relationship between them had been repaired, Lorna was happy again.
However, because she still owed the money she did not have peace of mind
and wouldn’t have until she had put things right in her own eyes.
Peace of mind without happiness

Example 1: Raymond’s heartbreak
Raymond’s girlfriend, Deborah, had decided that their relationship had
come to an end. She told him that it was over and that they must both move
on with their lives. Deborah now feels she has peace of mind because she is
finally being honest with Raymond, in line with her values. However, she
isn’t happy because she knows how much emotional pain the break-up is
causing Raymond.
Example 2: Graham and social media
Graham had been criticised heavily on social media for something that
misrepresented him. He had received some harsh comments. This had upset
him and he was not happy. However, when he looked within himself, he
saw that he had done the right thing and had lived out his own values. He
therefore felt peace of mind, despite his unhappiness.
Are there overlaps between the two

lists?
Morals are specific to the person. As our moral code is specific to us as
individuals, some items might be on either list; it depends on the person. To
decide which list an item belongs to, you can answer the question: “Has this
item got a moral judgement attached to it?”.
If, in your opinion, it has a moral judgement attached, then this will be a
value on your ‘peace of mind’ list and will guide your behaviours. If, in
your opinion, it hasn’t got any form of moral judgement attached to it then
it will be on your ‘happiness list’, as something you desire to have.
For example, ‘being honest’ is a value and would be on your peace of
mind list because it is the right thing to do. Being confident would be on
your ‘happiness list’ as something valuable to have. This is because lacking
confidence isn’t wrong, it’s just unhelpful. What about ‘being generous’?
This is now up to you. It might be on both lists or it might not feature on
either of your lists!
Consider the case of two vegetarians. One has their diet on the happiness
list and one has their diet on the peace of mind list. This is because the first
vegetarian might be choosing this diet because they don’t enjoy eating
meat. This puts their vegetarianism on their happiness list. The second
vegetarian doesn’t eat meat because they feel it is morally wrong to kill and
eat animals. Therefore, they would put vegetarianism on their peace of
mind list because it is the right thing to do.
What about telling lies?
Surely, telling lies is wrong and honesty would appear on the peace of mind
list? Well it would for most of us, but there are some people who believe
that lying is fine and part of life. They would not think being honest is a
value worth having.
Different values
What about approaches to life?

Some people approach life with a risk-taking attitude; others would choose
a more defensive and less risk-taking stance. Is the way we approach life a
moral position or a desirable attribute? For example, where do we place
courage?
This would be up to you. If you believe that having courage is important,
but accept that if you don’t display courage then this is not wrong, then
courage becomes a desirable characteristic and goes on the ‘happiness list’.
If on the other hand you believe that it is wrong not to show courage, then
this would go on the ‘peace of mind’ list. The way that you approach life
could be a value or be valuable.
Example: Company values
Many companies describe their core values. These are often a mixture of
true values and desirable characteristics or behaviours that they would like
to see in their staff. For example, most people see honesty, integrity,
equality, helpfulness, patience and respect as moral values. On the other
hand, collaboration, flexibility, persistence and accuracy are generally seen
as desirable characteristics or behaviours that are less likely to generate a
moral judgement, if someone fails to display them. Therefore, what a
company calls its ‘values’ often include ideal characteristics and behaviours
they want to see in their staff. These give standards that staff can measure
themselves against, but they might not be ‘values’ in the moral sense. [274]
[275]
Happiness: Forming happiness lists

When working with someone, I usually recommend that they write out two
happiness lists: one for immediate happiness and one for longer-term
happiness (something to look forward to). The immediate happiness list is
composed of things that you can do very quickly in order to improve your
chances of being happy.
For example:
Have a cup of tea
Phone a friend
Stroke the cat
Go for a walk
Look outside and see nature
Think of things I am grateful for that I might be taking for granted
Think about people who care about me
A longer-term happiness list of things to look forward to might look
something like this:
A holiday
A night out with friends
Buying some new clothes
Watching a film
Catching up with family
Progressing with a project
Reading a book
These lists are to help you to get into the right frame of mind for both
Human and Chimp. It’s important to make sure that there are items on each
list that will work for both of them.
Don’t let someone else decide on your

happiness or peace of mind
Who is in charge of your happiness?
If you are in charge, then you will Key Point
have the final say on what you want
Your Chimp will hand over
to base your happiness on: your
your happiness to others:
opinions, your decision-making and
you can take it back.
what you think is important. If you
allow your Chimp to be in charge,
then it will forget its happiness list and hand your happiness over to others:
the opinion of others, their approval and what others think is important.
If your Chimp has hijacked your happiness and handed it over, take back
control of your own happiness and allow yourself to decide what is right
and OK for you.
You have the option to look
within yourself to establish your Key Point
happiness based on your own values
Your happiness and peace
and beliefs. This will allow you to
of mind belong to you and
go out into the world and enjoy
not to others.
yourself.
The same applies to your peace of
mind. Allow yourself to decide on your peace of mind and don’t hand your
peace of mind over to others.
Who are you allowing to decide on your happiness?
Example: Byron and his lists

Byron wants to be happy and have peace of mind, so he draws up his two
lists. Please remember that as everyone is unique, we will all have our own
two lists and only you can decide what is on your lists.
Here is Byron’s ‘immediate happiness list’:
Put some music on
Reflect and be grateful for being with my partner
Have a coffee and ten minutes time out
Think about a memory that I always find amusing
Call a friend
Here is Byron’s ‘long-term happiness list’:
Visit the local Jazz club
Develop a positive approach to life
Joining an evening class
Have a go at making some home made wine
Plan time to sort out my music collection
Download a collection of new movies
These lists clarify for him where he needs to make the effort in order to be
happy. Some things he can directly put into place, such as making himself a
cup of coffee. Some things he will have to work on, such as developing a
positive approach to life. What he is saying is that, if I put in place all of the
things on my happiness list, then I will have the best chance of being happy.
He can’t guarantee some of them, such as developing a positive approach to
life, but he can work towards attaining them.
Now we will look at Byron’s moral and ethical ideals about what is right
and what is wrong. These are his personal moral statements.
Here is Byron’s ‘peace of mind list’:

Respect everyone
Be honest
Be generous and not greedy
Put my family first
Be compassionate
Always work hard
Always be grateful
These values are guides to live his life by. They are not there for him to
punish himself! Nor are they there to make him feel under pressure and to
feel like he has failed, should he not manage to live by them every day.
They are there to let him know what is right and what is wrong and to guide
his future behaviours.
The Truths of Life are beliefs that we have worked out by experience or
have been taught. Values are ideals that we believe will give us moral
guidance and shape our behaviour.
Values contribute significantly to defining someone.
The Chimp and Human both possess
values, but they could be very Key Point
different. We are only focussing on Peace of mind is achieved
the Human values, because these by establishing and living
contribute to stability of mind. out your values.
Forming a ‘peace of mind list’

The importance of values is often
underestimated. We all hold values;
it’s just a case of finding out what
they are. Finding your values might
not be as easy as you think and
might take some time. It’s important
to make sure that these are your
values and not those of others, no
matter how much you might respect
them. Often people form their values
from the society that they live in or
from their parents. This is fine provided these values are truly in tune with
that person. [276] [277] [278] [279] [280] [281]
The easiest way to find your values is to think of a moral belief and then
an action that would demonstrate that belief. For example, I believe that
everybody should be shown respect. My value is that I will show respect to
everybody. One way I can demonstrate this, is by listening to their opinions
and acknowledging them. I don’t have to agree, but respect is demonstrated
by listening.
Values define my code of conduct
If you do not live out the values that you hold, it can cause you to have
severe inner conflicts. This will lead to a restless and uneasy mind. For
example, if someone holds a value that being honest is important and then
lies, they will usually start feeling guilty. The inner conflict will be resolved
when they tell the truth. Otherwise, they might attempt to resolve the inner
conflict by rationalising their actions and somehow justify to themselves
that it was fine to tell a lie. The strength of the inner conflict depends on the
conscience of the individual and how important that value is to them. One
of the difficulties with values is that we often hold them unconsciously and
are not fully aware of them. This means that we might not be aware that we
are going against them at a conscious level, but it doesn’t stop the inner
conflict from happening. It means that this can result in us feeling unsettled
without knowing the cause. [279] [282]
Example: The neighbour dispute
Maria believes that everybody deserves respect. She has come into conflict
with a neighbour. Maria justifies her lack of respect toward this neighbour
by saying that the neighbour is in the wrong. Maria’s behaviour isn’t in line
with her values. Maria recognises this, but if she continues to disrespect the
neighbour she will continue to feel unsettled. Sadly, she will believe that the
neighbour is the cause of her being unsettled, but in reality it is her own
inner conflict arising from not living by her own values.
Values as a way of living life
If we remind ourselves of our
values, we can live our life by them.
Our values can help us with
decision-making. We can also use
values to manage the Chimp. For
example, managing the eating drive
by using values is a very different
way from using restrictive dieting.
Example: Denzel, the diet and self-respect

Denzel’s Chimp has a strong eating drive, which he struggles to manage on
a regular basis. His weight yo-yos up and down. When his weight goes up,
it bothers him a lot. He could learn to use his values to change his
behaviour. One of the values he strongly holds is to have self-respect.
Instead of seeing his eating as a weight problem, he has come to see over-
eating or eating the ‘wrong’ food as showing disrespect towards himself. If
he can remind himself about showing self-respect before he chooses his
food, then his choices can be based on his values. If we truly hold a value,
and remind ourselves of it, it is difficult to go against it.
Example: Self-esteem and values
Values are part of the character of a person and help to define them. If we
live by our values, then we can look into the mirror and be proud of who we
are. Knowing who you are and living by your values brings strength, peace
of mind and raised self-esteem. Values can remind of us of principles that
are important in life.
Example: Values used to manage stress from criticism
Many forms of stress can be managed and removed by looking to our
values. For example, everybody receives criticism from others at some
point. This is especially true on social media. We have a choice of how we
want to manage criticism. We can try to justify or defend ourselves. This
usually has no effect because the person or people who are criticising are
usually fixed in their opinions, regardless of the facts. Our defence might be
rejected, and this leaves us in the same position.
As an alternative way of dealing with criticism, we could first look to see
if there is some validity in the criticism and act appropriately. Then, we
could look to our values and assess whether we are living by them. If we
are, then peace of mind is usually restored.
People who are destructively critical on social media demonstrate a lack
of morals and show impulsive Chimp reactions. It helps to recognise this
and not to take any comment personally. The comments they make merely
reflect on themselves.
Values in conflict
It is common for our values to come into conflict with each other,
producing an inner conflict. If you realise that this is happening, then it
helps to know that our values have a hierarchy. This means that we can
resolve a problem, where two values oppose each other, by deciding which
one is the more important. [279]
Example: Values in conflict
Ian holds two values that have come into conflict: loyalty to his parents and
always helping others in difficulty. Ian’s parents have had several clashes
with the neighbours. The neighbours have a fifteen-year-old son who has
caused damage to Ian’s parents’ garden, stealing garden ornaments, and
polluting the pond and causing several of the fish to die. The boy has been
caught on a security camera, but the parents will still not accept
responsibility for their son’s deliberate acts of vandalism. Ian’s parents are
very angry with the neighbours, especially the boy.
When Ian is driving to see his parents, he sees the neighbour’s son at the
side of the road. The son has had an accident and fallen off his bike. The
bike is very damaged. The son sees Ian, recognises him and flags the car
down. The son tells Ian that he is able to walk home but feels shaken and
asks Ian to give him a lift home.
This scenario will divide opinion. A ‘values’ dilemma
There are no rights or wrongs, but
values come into play. Ian himself
must decide which of his values he
thinks is the more important. Does
he stay loyal to his parents (knowing
they might be angry if he offers
help) or does he help an adolescent
who is distressed? Only he can
decide and obviously there could be
consequences whatever he does.
Example: Misplaced loyalty
Sadly, during my working life I have come across several cases of people
who have very low self-esteem and misplaced loyalty. A severe example of
this is often seen in abusive relationships. The abused person might be
staying with their partner out of misplaced loyalty. The abusive partner is
unlikely to be truly sorry, won’t stop being abusive and fails to seek help.
The abused person often stays because they have put their own self–respect
below their value of loyalty. Often, it is only when an abused partner leaves
the relationship that they can see what was happening. They then realise
that they do deserve better and can happily survive without the abuser. Self-
respect is a value worth putting above misplaced loyalty.
Balancing work and family life
The problem of getting a work-life balance is a common one. Practicalities
involving finance and securing a long-term future are bound to play a part.
One way of resolving the situation is to try giving advice to your own child,
as if the years have rolled by and they are now in your position. Sometimes,
we put practical things in front of quality time with our family, and forget to
look at both our happiness list and our peace of mind list for guidance. Most
work-life balance situations just need some time spent on them to sort out a
happy compromise but this isn’t always the case, as with the next example.
Example: Geraldine and the cake shop
Geraldine has always wanted to run a cake shop. Her dream is finally
realised and her business opened two years ago. The problem she is facing
is that despite two successful years of hard work, it seems she is now on a
necessary treadmill of work, just to keep the business afloat. Geraldine is
married with two young children and she is becoming distressed. She works
long hours and feels her marriage and her role as a mother is being
compromised. She has tried to manage the situation in numerous ways but
there always seems to be shifting ground with problems arising out of the
blue. The more attempts she makes to solve the emerging problems and
balance her work with home life, the more despondent and unhappy she
becomes. It appears to be a no win situation.
It is not a no win situation. The reason that Geraldine is distressed, and
also seeing this as a ‘no win’ situation, is because she is not accepting
reality. She only sees a ‘win’ situation as her being in two places at once
and giving both her home and work life her full attention. If she can be
realistic about the needs in both her home life and her work life, then she
can redefine what ‘winning’ means. A solution would be to sit down and
accept that none of us can do justice to two things, which between them
demand more time than we have. If a balance can’t be found because it is
impossible, then one of the two must be compromised and this has to be
accepted. It’s just a decision on which is most valuable to you along with
which marries with your values. (You could say that Geraldine can’t have
her cake and eat it. – sorry!).
Clearly, there is a point for some people, where it will dawn on them that
they have given enough time and effort to try to obtain a work-life balance.
Their own situation doesn’t seem to allow a compromise. Geraldine’s
situation is one of these. Only she can decide on the way forward. She will
‘win’ if she accepts reality and makes her choice.
Values as the basis for an enduring

relationship
Lasting relationships are built on values. Two people will have a great
chance of an enduring relationship provided they share the same values. If
they do not have the same values, the chance of the relationship lasting
diminishes. It also helps if the two people have their values in the same
order of importance.
Common interests, physical attraction and other aspects might initially
attract us to a person. However, they might not be sufficient for a lasting
relationship, if the person we are attracted to does not share our values. It’s
wise to check out a person’s values if you want to know if a relationship
with them is likely to last!
Unit 15
Reminders
Things that are valuable to us form our happiness list
Values form our peace of mind list
Values are ideals based on morals that we wish to live by
Values are often unconscious, but can be worked out
Living by our values prevents inner conflicts
Values can come into conflict with each other
Values help us to make decisions
Lasting relationships are based on shared values
Your happiness and peace of mind belong to you and not to others
Unit 15
Exercises
1. ‘Happiness list’
2. ‘Peace of mind list’
3. Checking values and self-esteem
Focus 1: ‘Happiness list’

Exercise: Forming your ‘happiness list’
This is a straightforward exercise that can make a great difference to the
quality of your life.
Forming your immediate and long-term happiness lists is really about
knowing what will make you happy and ensuring that you make it happen.
The happiness lists will give you things that you can do immediately and
things that you can do in the long-term. Planning is only the start of this
exercise; making the plans happen is the important part.
Focus 2: ‘Peace of mind list’

Exercise: Forming your ‘peace of mind list’
Finding your values can be made easier if you follow the guidelines in this
unit. Take some time to work out your values. It might not be as easy as you
think, so you might have to have more than one go at doing this. Remember
that a value is a moral code to let you know you are doing the right thing.
Values lead to behaviours.
Remember that the list will only work for you, if you make sure you
implement it.
Focus 3: Checking values and self-esteem

Exercise: Living by your values
The main function of values is to bring about a moral code to live by. If you
base your self-esteem on living out your values, it can bring not only peace
of mind but also raised self-esteem.
Ask yourself, if you are really living by your values. Try to reflect back
on your day and see if you can detect anywhere where your values were
compromised. There might not be a right or wrong way of approaching
some problems, but there might be a better way, in line with your values.
It’s helpful to encourage yourself when you recognise that you have put
your values into good use.
Unit 16
Keeping events in perspective
Unit 16: will complete our
understanding of the Stone of Life by
looking at the third aspect: The Life
Force. This will bring perspective.
Keeping perspective: The ‘Life Force’

Keeping perspective is about being able to see everything in relation to what
life is all about and what at the end of the day is really of importance to you.
If, at the end of our lives we look back, most things will take on a different
perspective. The ‘Life Force’ represents what we think life is all about. This
Life Force gives us a reference point to keep all aspects of life’s experiences
in perspective and can stabilise us emotionally.
To find your Life Force, simply answer the question: “What advice would
you give yourself, if you were to start your life again?”
The deathbed advice scenario
Another way to help you to find your Life Force is to imagine being 100
years old and in the final minute of your life. Your great granddaughter
arrives and asks, “What should I do with my life?” how would you answer?
Giving perspective
When you have done this, ask yourself if you are taking your own advice.
When people answer the question about giving advice, they typically say
something like:
“Don’t worry about anything – it isn’t worth it”
“Most things work out, and those that don’t, will change with time”
“Don’t worry about what other people think”
“Make the most of your family and friends”
“Take every opportunity”
“Live the life you want to live”
“Get over things quickly”
It’s all great advice and if we took it then we could have a fantastic life. So
now we reach a different question. Why can’t we take our own advice?
By now it’s probably becoming obvious why we can’t do it. Our mind
won’t let us. [283]
The Human in our mind can take the advice and act on it. It can see the
bigger picture. In contrast, the Chimp cannot see beyond what is happening
in the here and now. The Chimp is preoccupied and worries about day-to-
day living. It worries about being seen as good in the eyes of others. [284] It
worries about how it will cope if things go wrong or if it fails at something.
If you reflect on the way your Chimp is so ridiculously short sighted, you
could come up with many other things that the Chimp does to stop you from
living your life, as you want to.
If we have to accept that our Chimps cannot keep perspective, how do we
manage this situation? The rules of the mind are clear; the only way we are
going to manage the Chimp is to rely on the Computer.
How to keep perspective

If we are to manage our Chimp and retain perspective, we need to work out
precisely what to put into our Computer. As always, only you can decide
what you will put into your Computer. What follows are suggestions that
you might like to try. These are Autopilots that will automatically provide
behaviours or beliefs to immediately take over before the Chimp gets a
chance to act. The starting point is to programme your Computer to learn to
recognise that perspective is being lost. If we can recognise a loss of
perspective, then we have the insight to allow the Computer to bring in our
automatic behaviours and beliefs.
Example: Edward and the failed contract
Edward is a tradesman who is self-employed and has just submitted a bid
for a contract. This contract would see him into a financially secure position
for a few years. Without securing the contract, Edward will struggle to pay
his mortgage, put his marriage under strain and it will challenge his ability
to even feed his three children. He has just heard that he did not get the
contract. Unless we have been in this position it’s difficult to imagine the
feelings that Edward could be experiencing. It’s a serious situation, so we
can’t just dismiss it. However, we can retain perspective, which will help.
Once Edward has recognised that perspective might be lost, the first thing
he could do is to accept that any emotions or thoughts from his Chimp are
normal and to be expected. He could exercise his Chimp by letting his
emotions out and then turn to his Computer. Alternatively, he could take a
deep breath and turn straight to his Computer for help.
Either way, the Computer will offer some truthful reassurances to help keep
perspective, provided it has been programmed.
Edward has programmed into the Computer two main themes:

1. See the bigger picture – This is formed from a number of truths.
Edward has included:
a. Everything we experience in life will change with time
b. Problems do get solved and solutions can be found
c. We never know what is around the corner
d. Help is always available, if we reach out
2. Reminder of his deathbed advice
a. Place your focus on what really matters
b. Make the most of today
c. Worrying doesn’t help anything but action does help
Keeping perspective will help, but might not take away the Chimp’s unease
or suffering. It will vary from person to person. If Edward’s Chimp doesn’t
settle then he might want to exercise it regularly, that is to let it express
itself out loud. This allows his Human a chance to progress with solutions
and action. [81] [88]
Seeing the bigger picture

Keeping perspective by looking at the
bigger picture puts a situation into context
with an overall longer-term view. When we
are in Chimp mode, we cannot retain
perspective and lose sight of the bigger
picture. [285] [178]
Example: Marek’s Flat sale

Marek is very keen to sell his flat. He wants to move because the noise from
a nearby bus station is too much for him. It has stressed him for months. He
put his flat on the market at a price he would like, but the only offer he has
received is slightly lower. The fact that his flat has been on the market for
several months is also stressful and Marek is finding that it is now affecting
his health. Despite this, he is holding out for his ‘hoped for’ price.
Effectively, he has lost the bigger picture. What Marek can’t see is that the
potential financial gain from waiting doesn’t outweigh his own peace of
mind. What price does he really put on his health and quality of life? Could
he manage on the offered price and accept that the ‘lost’ money is worth it,
and could be seen as paying for his own happiness in being able to move on.
The principle in this scenario is very common. How often do we forget
the bigger picture of what we are trying to achieve and focus on minute
detail instead? It is so common for people in this situation to be able to
move on quickly once they step back and see beyond the fine detail. This
principle can also apply to relationships, as shown in the next example.
Example: Kim and her daughter
Kim has been divorced from her husband for four years. Her husband had
an affair and when this came to light Kim decided to leave him. She has
settled into a single life and lives with their five-year-old daughter. Her ex-
husband left the other woman and has since had several more relationships.
Kim dislikes him and feels he is a poor role model for their daughter. Her
ex-husband rarely turns up to see his daughter and so Kim has now refused
to allow him near the child. This is all very understandable, but let’s look at
the bigger picture. Is Kim protecting her daughter or taking her anger out on
her ex-husband by limiting visits to the child? What does she really want for
the child? Kim’s answer is almost certainly “I want the best for my child”.
Most therapists would tell her that the best for the child is to have two
parents in the picture and for her daughter to have some relationship with
her father. Some might disagree, reasoning that he is a poor role model for
his child. The only way that Kim can resolve this is to step back and to see
the bigger picture. By bringing perspective into what she wants for her
daughter and what her daughter needs in the long-term, Kim will be able to
make appropriate decisions.
The bigger picture and long-term

vision
The Human always has perspective and time awareness. [286] When we are
in Human mode, we see the bigger picture and tend to take things in our
stride because perspective gives us a long-term vision. As the Chimp does
not possess perspective, it operates with a short-term vision and therefore
overreacts in situations of stress.
A narrow view lacking perspective
vs
The bigger picture giving perspective
Example: The effective business leader

Businesses can suffer if the Chimp hijacks them with its lack of perspective.
This is seen, for example, with plans that give short-term gains but long-
term losses, a lack of succession planning or inappropriate performance
indicators.
Long-term vision increases the probability of stability in staff
When a leader operates with a short-term vision, they effectively create

unwanted behaviours in their staff. With a short-term vision, staff will
become more preoccupied and stress over small and often unimportant
details. A leader with a long-term vision will settle their staff, who can then
see trivia as trivia and deal with it in a stress-free way.
Example: The sales team
Imagine a sales team is asked to sign up new recruits for a programme and
they will be rewarded on the number of new recruits they sign up. The
company might measure this to show success. However, the evidence might
show that new recruits don’t remain within the programme. Therefore, this
short-term measure of success might eventually give the company a poor
name for running a programme with a high dropout rate. A better measure
of success would be how many people are retained over time.
Perspective when defining a

successful life
If we changed the deathbed advice scenario slightly, we could find another
way to retain perspective. Imagine again that you are one hundred years old
and on your deathbed with just one minute to live. This time your great
granddaughter’s question to you is: “How will I know that I have been
successful in life?”
What would you say?
Success?
This is not an easy question to answer and requires some thought! Two of
you will try to answer: your Chimp and your Human.
It’s likely that your Chimp will look outwardly to achievements to answer
the question about success:
Did I make a lot of money?
Did I get lots of qualifications?
Did I impress a lot of people?
Was I the best in my field?
It’s also likely that your Human will look inwardly to self in order to answer
the question about success:
Did I achieve a happy life?
Did I go through life with peace of mind?
Did I spend my time doing what I wanted to do?
Did I live a constructive and positive life?
I don’t know what your Chimp or Human Perspective on Success
might say. It could be very different to
these. What is crucial is that whatever you
have said, you have now got a guide as to
what is important to you and where you
should spend your time and energy. Why
waste your energy on unimportant things?
How you define success at the end of
your life will bring perspective to what is
really important to you. What do you want
to spend your time and energy on during
your lifetime?
Example: The wayward asteroid
Some time ago, a man I was working with shared several legitimate worries
that his Chimp was having about his life.
I asked him to imagine that an asteroid had been detected and it was
heading straight towards Earth. It would definitely collide with Earth in four
weeks time. Which of those worries is most important now? He answered
with a smile “none of them”, and then added, “Why would I waste my time
and energy on worrying”. After thinking, he said, “but there isn’t an asteroid
hurtling towards us”.
Actually there is. That asteroid represents the reality that our own
personal life on Earth will one day end. It might not be in four weeks time,
but it is certain it will come to an end (at least as of the time of writing this
book!). We can face this constructively and make the most of our lives,
knowing that they are transient. Alternatively, we can deny our temporary
situation and continue to worry throughout our time here. You always have
a choice about whether you want to keep perspective or not.
Confidence and perspective!

Confidence is a choice.
It is based on how strongly you can believe that you will, either:
The Chimp puts its confidence in how strongly it believes that it will
achieve its best. Therefore, if it believes it can definitely do something, it
will be 100% confident. However, if it doesn’t know if it can achieve
something, then its confidence can be very low. This approach by the
Chimp raises a number of problems. The Chimp tries to reconcile the
following:
The Chimp believes to be really confident, it must:

Have a guarantee that it will succeed
Not show weakness to others or to itself
Achieve its optimum performance every time
None of these are realistic. You can never guarantee that you will always
succeed. We can never influence how others see our performance, however
we do. No one ever achieves their best performance every time. Therefore,
in Chimp mode we are rarely confident.
The Human puts its confidence in trying their best and knowing that they
can deal with any outcome. Just a note on trying your best: trying your best
means exactly that. It means it was impossible to have put more effort in,
but despite this, you were not perfect. There could still have been areas you
might improve on or things you could have done differently looking back.
The Human believes to be really confident, they must:

Know that they gave it everything, their best effort
Know that they are proud of themselves
Accept that they can deal with failure or a less than perfect
performance
Of course, we all want to achieve our best but this can never be guaranteed,
but trying your best can always be guaranteed. We can never do better than
our best effort. Therefore, if we approach challenges in Human mode and
reassure the Chimp that we can guarantee giving everything we have, even
if we get it wrong or make some errors, the Chimp will settle. It settles,
because it now has a guarantee of success, defined by giving everything you
have: your best effort.
Rationally we can never do better than our best effort and to keep on
trying to improve in the future.
Example: Chloe, confidence and perspective
Chloe failed some of her exams at
school and felt that she had Key Points
underachieved. This haunted her for
You always have a choice
years. She always felt that the exam
on what you base your
results undermined her self-esteem.
confidence on:
This led her to be lacking in • Human: doing my best
confidence and having a reluctance
and managing outcomes.
to try new challenges. She decided to
• Chimp: achieving my
look at what she was basing her
best and falling apart if I
confidence on.
don’t manage.
Did she give her best effort? Yes
she did, but she also made many
mistakes and underachieved. In Human mode she could accept that best
effort and best achievement don’t always go together. Continuing in Human
mode, Chloe could take an adult stance and let her Chimp know that she can
deal with this disappointment. Finally, she can bring her exam results into
perspective. They really are not that important to her now and certainly
don’t define her. By bringing perspective to their relative importance, Chloe
was able to see herself in a different light and raise her self-esteem along
with her self-confidence.
Perspective and sentimental items

Example: Rod and the lost wedding ring
Rod got married twenty years ago. His wedding ring symbolised the
amazing relationship that he has had since then. While travelling, his car
broke down and he had to sort the engine out. He got the car going again but
had to stop to clean his hands. While washing his hands in a public service
area, he took off his wedding ring but forgot to put it back on. He left the
service area before he realised what he had done, and despite returning and
searching, the ring was never seen again. He was distraught. Some
possessions represent something of major significance to us. We can then
lose perspective and not recognise the item for what it is, rather than what it
represents. Others looking on have perspective and can see that the ring was
just a band of metal but Rod has lost sight of this. Rod still has a great
marriage and although the exact ring can’t be replaced, it is in effect, a
sentimental piece of metal. It isn’t easy for most of us to separate an item
from what it represents to us. However, we can lose perspective in our
sadness, if we don’t recognise it is only a representation. We have not lost
our memories.
Operating with the Stone of Life

We have now covered the three major components on the Stone of Life.
Before we complete this unit, we can give an example of how these three
components operate. After this, we have a challenging situation to consider.
Helping to keep perspective and using
the Stone of Life
Example: The ice cream scenario
The tale of Freddie and the ice cream cone is an example of how to gain
perspective by having your Stone of Life up and running.
Picture it: Four-year-old Freddie
has just been given an ice cream.
The ice cream van drives away and
Freddie drops the ice cream cone.
It’s all over! So Freddie’s Chimp
screams the place down. His Chimp
needs to express its desperate
emotions and if we don’t help
Freddie to gain some perspective, he
might still be telling people how
awful it was, twenty years later.
What we could do is to allow Freddie to cry, and after this, reason with him.
In other words, exercise his Chimp and then box it with logic. Therefore,
we apply facts, such as:
The van will come again
It’s only an ice cream
It’s not the end of the world
We can’t change it
Effectively we are moving him from Chimp to Human. We are acting as his
Human because a four-year-old can’t do this. [287] [288] He can’t gain
perspective or believe that he can deal with the situation.
Now consider situations in your own life and experience. How many times
do we ‘drop the ice cream’ and allow our Chimps to keep on over–reacting?
To get back into Human mode we can legitimately state some facts to
ourselves, such as:
I do have a Human part to my brain – so let me use it
I am not a four year old – I am an adult and I can deal with anything
life throws at me
I can gain perspective by seeing the bigger picture
I can deal with consequences, no matter how serious they appear to be
The secret is to recognise ‘the ice cream situation’ and to manage it
immediately.
Here are some examples of where the ‘ice cream situation’ could apply:
Failing a test
Being criticised by someone
Experiencing an unfair situation that you can do nothing about
Not getting the outcome that you want
Not being on time (for whatever reason)
Making a decision that turned out not to be the best
Now we can consider an alternative scenario, where we prevent the Chimp
from hijacking us in the first place, by using the Stone of Life.
If we ‘drop an ice cream’ with the Stone of Life in place, the Chimp part
of our brain will look into the Computer for advice and find the Stone of
Life. The Stone of Life will unconsciously and rapidly remind the Chimp of
reality, truths, values and perspective that we have already prepared on the
Stone. This settles the Chimp and prevents it from reacting.
The Stone of Life can bring reality,

truths, values and perspective to any Key Point
situation. In Freddie’s case, if he
If your Stone of Life is in
were older and had now put into
place and you live by it,
place a Stone of Life, the Chimp
then you will find that
would look to this before it could
there are no over-
hijack him. It will see perspective
reactions to life’s ups and
and also many truths. It will
downs.
effectively be boxed before it has
chance to react. Freddie might not be
aware that his Chimp has been reassured and boxed by the Computer, but
what he will experience is calmness within the situation.
The Stone of Life must be pre-programmed with truths, which strongly
resonate with you otherwise it won’t work.
A challenging situation to consider
The deathbed advice scenario can be used to offer some perspective but
there is a challenge that it throws up.
What is the best advice you can give?
The imaginary great granddaughter and the deathbed scenario
Someone went through their deathbed scenario with me. She said she would
give her imaginary great granddaughter some sound advice. It would
include making sure she was happy, taking every opportunity, not worrying
about things or what others might think and so on. This was all really great
advice. If her great granddaughter follows this advice, then she will have a
very happy and fulfilling life. However, there is a major flaw!
What is the point of giving this common sense advice if none of us can
take it? Some very fundamental advice is missing and this fundamental
advice is what this book is all about.
The most crucial
Key Point
of them all
The reason we can’t live life the way we want to, is because we
ave a machine in our head that works very differently to us and
is stronger than we are.
This machine consists of the Chimp and the Computer. It must

be managed if we are to have the best chance of being happy,
successful, and confident, and leading the life that we want to
lead.
A problem with the deathbed scenario...
The best advice to her great granddaughter, might be to tell her that:
It is your own mind that could stop you from being you and leading the life
that you want to lead. It is so important to learn to understand and manage
your mind. You are going to share your life with a Chimp!
If her great granddaughter can grasp the fact that she will have to share her
life with this machine, and there are advantageous ways of doing this, then
she can gain a better quality of life. She can also be successful, no matter
how she defines success.
This advice will help her to:

Work with reality
Establish and live with the
truths of life
Establish her values and live by
them
Always keep perspective
In other words, travel through life in
Human mode and base her journey
on her Stone of Life.
Keeping perspective by re-setting the brain

with laughter
- Scientific points
What seems like a serious situation can often be defused by seeing the funny side of things.
If you can laugh at yourself or the situation, it brings perspective to the picture [289] .
Whenever we laugh or display a sense of humour, we re-set the brain into Human mode
because we disarm the Chimp. [290] [291] The Chimp is programmed to detect danger and
causes for concern, so by laughing at a situation the Chimp will lose its power. Then,
perspective can be brought into play from the Human.
Learning to laugh at yourself or seeing the funny side of a situation can be programmed
into your Computer as an Autopilot. Not taking yourself too seriously can also help to defuse
stressful situations. When we laugh, levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, decrease and are
replaced by higher levels of other more positive transmitters and hormones such as
dopamine and endorphins. These relax us and make us feel good. [292] [293]
Unit 16
Reminders
Perspective can be gained by having a clearly defined Life Force
Your Life Force can be defined by looking back on your life and
stating what advice you would give someone who is setting off in life
Perspective can be gained by programming your Computer to
automatically see the bigger picture whenever an unwanted event
occurs
Defining success can bring perspective
Perspective can be gained by reminding yourself that you are sharing
your mind with a machine
The Stone of Life can remind us of key Truths that maintain
perspective at all times
We can reset the brain with laughter
Unit 16
Exercises
1. The one minute ‘Life Force’
2. Creating your own Stone of Life
3. Setting off each day using the Stone of Life
Focus 1: The one-minute Life Force

Exercise: Explaining The Chimp Model to a child
Try to imagine that you are sitting with Florence your great granddaughter.
She has told you that she wants to be happy in life and be successful and
she has shared her dreams with you. You have offered some advice. Now
try to explain to her, in one minute, why our minds might be the limiting
factor for our success and happiness!
If you can explain how the machine that we are born with might have
different ideas to yourself and also how we can then manage it, you will
have done well and shown that you have understood the course so far!
Specifically, try to explain how to manage the machine so that you can
live the life that you want to live and be the person that you really are.
Don’t be concerned if you can’t explain it! Some of us are better at
explanations than others but please have a go.
If you find this exercise impossible, then here is a cheat sheet for you!
The mind has two thinking parts, one is you and the other is out of your
control and thinks for you.
This out of control part of your thinking mind is the same as the one a
chimpanzee has, so we will call it your Chimp.
Your mind has a storage memory system that will remind you and your
Chimp what the best way is to live your life and how to deal with situations.
Both you and your Chimp put information into this: some information is
helpful and some isn’t helpful.
To manage your mind and get the best out of yourself, you need to:
Accept, manage and work with your Chimp
Tidy up your Computer to have only helpful beliefs and advice in it
Make sure you know who you are, and separate yourself from your
machine
If this makes sense, have another go at explaining the basics in one minute.
Add any other important pieces of information that you feel you would
want to add.
This will hopefully act as a reminder for applying the principles to
yourself.
Focus 2: Creating your own Stone of Life

Now that we have completed the three main components of the Stone of
Life, you will be able to create your first draft of your own unique Stone. I
am saying first draft because it is good to keep refining it. The importance
of this exercise can’t be underplayed, because it is the Stone of Life that
will support emotional stability and peace of mind.
Exercise: Creating your Stone of Life
Work through each component and draw up your Truths of Life, values and
Life Force.
Remember that your Truths of Life need to be statements that truly
resonate and mean something to you. Any Truths that you add, that don’t
really mean something to you, will weaken the impact of your Stone of
Life. When you consider the Life Force, think carefully about what advice
you are giving because this is what you will need to follow, if you want to
keep perspective.
Focus 3: Setting off each day using the

Stone of Life
Exercise: One minute reminder
Assuming that you have formed a good Stone of Life, try to allocate just
five minutes each morning to go through and reflect on the components.
This will help to bring these to the front of your mind as your basis for
living. By doing this, it is likely that you will set off each morning in
Human mode. By reminding yourself of your Stone of Life contents for just
a minute or two at intervals throughout the day, you might find that your
Chimp will begin to settle into a new pattern of behaviours.
Unit 17
External support
Unit 17: will cover establishing, maintaining and employing
external support. External support is the safety net for emotional
stability when self-management falters.
Managing a distressed Chimp using

external support
A major part of mind management is managing the Chimp. So far, we have
looked at how we can do this in various ways. The Stone of Life is the
ultimate stabiliser for the Chimp but what happens if this fails to settle the
Chimp and all other methods also seem to be failing?
The Chimp naturally looks outwardly when it is functioning. It also does
this under stress to find support. We have altered this by programming the
Computer and managing the Chimp internally. Therefore, if our internal
mechanisms for managing the Chimp are not working, for whatever reason, we
can work with external factors. For example, if we experience a very stressful
event and are unable to process it, or we are going through a grief reaction,
then the Chimp might not be able to engage until it has worked through the
situation. At this point, the Stone of Life might not be accessible to the Chimp
and it will turn to ‘the Troop’ for stabilisation.
We are now operating in a way that engages the Chimp’s natural drive to
find a supportive troop. Ideally, we would like the Chimp to be managed
internally in our mind because we can have significant control over this, but
we can use the Troop as our safety net. It is therefore very important to make
sure that the Troop is in place and fully functioning. This unit will look at how
we can do this.
External support
- Scientific points
Where does the drive for the Troop come from? For survival, chimpanzees rely heavily on
being part of a troop. [294] The drive to remain within the troop is extremely strong because a
single chimp is vulnerable to attack from prey animals, such as a leopard, or from other Chimps
that are not part of its troop. We can’t always transfer what we see in animals and relate it to
human beings. However, our in-built troop drive seems just as powerful. We search out
companionship and form groups readily. Our problem is that we sometimes make poor choices
and don’t recognise unfriendly chimps! [295] [296]
There will always be some individuals who are exceptions to this rule but generally we are
gregarious creatures. We seek others for protection, reassurance, procreation and many social
and emotional reasons. These are all needs that both the Chimp and Human share. How they
go about obtaining these needs might be very different. [299] [300] [301] [302]
The natural emotional support during human development moves from parental, to peer to
individual. Children usually depend emotionally on parental figures until around puberty. At
puberty, the typical teenager will turn to the peer group. During the later teenage years,
individual stability develops. Under stress, we usually revert to a previous stage of emotional
support. Adults turn to friends; teenagers turn to parents.
When teenagers turn to each other for support, it can raise problems. This is because
support is driven by popularity and approval from other adolescents, who themselves are
struggling. A teenager leaning on other teenagers to try to form a basis for stability is a very
precarious system! [299] [300] [301] [302]
Development
Establishing your support
Support from other people, that gives rise to security, is fundamental to
helping our Chimps become emotionally stable.
This support must therefore be chosen carefully. The Troop is the person or
group of people, who we can completely rely on. They are friends who will
stand by us, whatever is happening. They will be the people, or the person,
who when our back is against the wall, won’t let us down or walk away.
Effectively, they will put us first. We might have many friends but only a few
will be part of our Troop. [303]
In our search for this support, our Chimp and Human take very different
approaches. The Chimp will search for emotionally based and often superficial
characteristics, whereas the Human will look for deeper characteristics.
Here are some examples of what the Human and Chimp typically look for in
people, when deciding whom to admit to their Troop.
I admit someone who...
Pleases me Shares common values

Shares common experiences or similar Has integrity
interests Demonstrates
Shares a common background compassion
Looks attractive physically Shows understanding
Can provide financial or other security Demonstrates
Makes promises that please me tolerance
Have impressive talents or status Is reliable
Is selfless
Clearly some of the characteristics
might overlap between what the Key Point
Human and Chimp are looking for. For The Human chooses
example, the Human will obviously characteristics in people
want someone who pleases them, but
that will fit the purpose of
without the other essential features, this the Troop.
won’t put that person into their Troop.
Research shows that personal relationships that endure are founded on values,
and not on more transient things, such as common interests. The Human
chooses characteristics in people that are likely to lead to a long-lasting and
constructive relationship. The Chimp chooses characteristics that are much
less likely to lead to long-lasting or constructive relationships.[304] [305]
Example: Kurt and the craft group
Kurt enjoys craftwork and works with wood. He has joined a craft group and
made several friends within the group. Kurt’s Chimp has picked out two
friends, who he feels he has a close relationship with: Andrew and Terri. His
Chimp sees these two people as part of his Troop. Andrew is a dynamic
individual full of energy and he seems to give Kurt a good feeling when he is
with him. Terri flatters and compliments Kurt very easily and this makes Kurt
feel good about himself. There is nothing wrong with any of these
characteristics but do these two people share more reliable characteristics?
Millie is a quiet member of the craft group and although pleasant, Kurt’s
Chimp doesn’t see her as part of his Troop.
Kurt has suddenly found himself in
difficulties with his finances and has become
depressed. He knows he could have managed
things better but really needs some
understanding and guidance. He tells both
Andrew and Terri about his problems. Within
days, Kurt finds that Andrew has told several
members of the craft group details about
Kurt’s financial problems and has been very
critical of the way Kurt is running his life.
Terri listened but then walked away and
rebuffed Kurt when he tried to discuss the
situation with her. She told him that he
needed to get his act together. Both people
don’t share his values, nor are they demonstrating characteristics that Kurt’s
Human would like to see. However, Millie overheard about Kurt’s problems
and gave him support and understanding with compassion. Letting your
Chimp choose your Troop can be fraught with difficulties.
Example: Summer and her father
Summer has a reasonable expectation that her father would be part of her
Troop. This reasonable expectation is coming from her Chimp. The reality is
that she does not share his values and finds that he is unreliable and she thinks
he is selfish. By expecting him to be part of her Troop, she is setting herself up
for disappointment. There is a difference between a Troop member and
someone who is friendly but outside the Troop. Friendly Chimps are great to
have around, as long as we don’t invite them into the Troop and then try and
rely on them.
The ‘psychopath’
- Scientific points
You definitely don’t want a ‘psychopath’ in your Troop!
The statistics show that these people occur at the rate of about 1 in 150 individuals. At first, it
was believed that they displayed anti-social behaviour because of the way that they were
raised or the experiences they had been through, often thought to be inflicted upon them by
society. Therefore, the term ‘sociopath’ was given. As scanners and neuroscience advanced, it
was revealed that some anomalies in the structure and functioning of the brain were present in
these individuals. A pathway of neurones called the uncinate fasciculus was found to be much
smaller and had less connecting neurones than the rest of us.
Therefore, it was believed that there was a genetic component and people were born this way.
The term ‘psychopath’ became common language. The truth behind the cause of the
unwelcome behaviour is probably a mixture of the two. Therefore, strictly speaking, we know
them now as ‘dissocial personality disorders’. However, all three terms have become
interchangeable.
All agree that the hallmark of the dissocial personality disorder is a lack of conscience. Along
with this are many other recognised features, such as: a lack of compassion or empathy, a
disregard for the law, a user of people and a self-interested lifestyle.
How do people avoid being taken in by a dissocial personality disorder? This isn’t easy but
the best way of avoiding emotional damage is to check on a person’s past behaviour. The
biggest predictor of a person’s future behaviour is to look at their past behaviour. Once the
background facts are established, it’s wise to act on them.
Most people are not psychopaths, but many people display repeated destructive or unhelpful
behaviours. Consider these carefully when selecting your Troop members. [306] [307] [308]
[309]
Maintaining your Troop

Investing in those who mean a lot to us
is often neglected. Frequently when Key Point
working with people, I hear stories of
how relationships with close friends or
partners are lost because of a lack of Familiarity can blind us to
attention and effort in maintaining the the privileges of a great
friendship. friendship.
This passage can remind us to stop and reflect on the friendships we have, and
invest some time into strengthening them.
Questions that you could ask yourself about those in your Troop could
include:
Have I let this person know what they mean to me?
Have I thanked this person for what they have done and also for just
being themselves?
Have I asked myself what I could do to support them?
Have I checked with them that they are in a good place?
Employing your support

We all have life situations that will create
some stress or unsettle us. At this point we
hope that we can stabilise emotionally by
turning to our Stone of Life. Naturally, there
will be times when the Chimp does not
appear to settle using the Stone of Life. It is
in these times that we have the Troop as our
safety net. The members become the settling
influence on the Chimp. They can do this by
either getting us back into Human mode by
talking through a situation rationally or they
can be understanding and offer some comfort
by their Chimps joining us in sharing the
problem.
If you have become emotionally unstable
but have not reached out to your friends, ask
yourself how you would feel if one of your
friends were in your situation, but did not reach out to you. Almost everyone
says that they would be upset that their friend didn’t reach out because that is
what friends are for. Many add that it would make them feel good to be able to
share their friend’s problem and to support them. Reaching out allows our
friends to be able to demonstrate their friendship.
Independence is a great thing to
achieve but it is a fine line between Key Point
independence and stubbornness or
reluctance to receive help. Being a Sharing concerns with a
friend is not just about supporting member of your Troop will
others but also allowing others to not only settle the Chimp
support you. When you do share but will also give your
concerns with others, it will settle your Human chance to reflect.
Chimp by feeling understood and
supported. By sharing concerns, you will also have chance for your Human to
reflect, in a supportive setting.
Unit 17
Reminders
The Troop is the Chimp’s stabilising factor, if the Stone of Life doesn’t
settle it down
The Chimp and Human have different ways of choosing the Troop
The Human chooses characteristics in people that will fit the purpose
of the Troop
Long-lasting personal relationships are based on common values
Maintaining your Troop takes effort
Employing your Troop means recognising when you need to reach out
Unit 17
Exercises
1. Checking on your Troop selection
2. Maintaining your Troop
Focus 1: Checking on your Troop selection

Your Troop size might be just one person or it could be several. By
establishing the members of your Troop, you might save yourself future
disappointment by inappropriately turning to the wrong person for support.
Please note, what is not being said, is that anyone outside of your Troop is
not worth relating to or having a friendship with. What is being said, is that
the Troop is where you can turn to, should your Chimp become unsettled
and not emotionally stabilised by your Stone of Life.
Exercise: A check on the Troop
Take time to check that you have the right people in your Troop. Is someone
missing or is there someone in there who probably shouldn’t be? Consider
the Human and Chimp selection criteria for selecting their Troop members.
Check the people closest to you to see how they compare with these lists.
Has your Chimp chosen someone for the wrong reasons or missed
someone?
Focus 2: Maintaining your Troop

Maintaining your Troop relationships is very important. It is self-evident
that, the more we invest in any relationship the more that relationship is
likely to build.
Exercise: Strengthen your friendship
Having established your Troop, try to be inventive and think of ways that
you could strengthen your friendship with members of your Troop. Some
questions have already been offered in this unit, here are some more
suggestions:
Make time to listen to your Troop member. Listening strengthens any
relationship.
Involve yourself in a joint experience, where you can get to know them
better.
Reaffirm their values by discussing various topics.
Ask about experiences that have made an impact on them, in order to
appreciate what has helped make them into the person that they are
today
Once you have plans to strengthen your friendships, put them into action!
Unit 18
Managing stress
STAGE 6: addresses stress management, how to create an
optimal environment and reviews recuperation.
Unit 18: is about managing stress. By understanding your mind’s
natural reaction to stress, you will be able to engage this and stop
stress before it builds.
The stress reaction in three stages

The body and mind are constantly trying to keep us safe and in a steady state.
[310] If the body becomes physically stressed, such as becoming dehydrated,
then the body recognises this, and we become thirsty and search out fluid.
Once we drink, the body returns to a steady state. [311]
Similarly, the mind has a system to return us to a steady mental state. [312]
[313] If the mind becomes aware that we are not in a good place, then the mind
sends out an alarm and demands that we act to put things right. If we act and
put things right, the mind will return to its steady state. [314] [315]
The stress reaction can be considered as having three separate stages to it:
1. The alerting stage
2. The resilience stage
3. The stress stage
The alerting stage

The first thing the mind does is to alert us that
something needs addressing. It does this by
releasing a lot of hormones and transmitters
(chemical messengers) throughout our body
and brain. [316] These substances usually
make us feel uncomfortable and alert us to
take action. The alerting stage is therefore an
alarm system within us.
The resilience stage
This alerting stage rapidly transforms into a resilience stage. The mind moves
into the resilience stage by releasing resilience hormones. This is our
opportunity to act. At this point, our mind is activated to take on whatever is
challenging us.
If during the resilience stage we manage to deal with whatever has alerted
us, then we will return to a steady state of mind. However, if we do not
manage to deal with the situation satisfactorily, then the resilience stage will
transform into the stress stage. [317] [318] [319] [320]
The stress stage

The stress stage occurs because we have been unable to use the resilience stage
to manage the situation. Stress hormones have overtaken and blocked the
resilience hormones. These stress hormones now create stressful feelings
within us. The stress hormones can have various effects on us, such as:
creating anxiety and worry, causing physical symptoms and making us feel
exhausted. [321]
If we fail to address the stress stage, then this temporary stress will change
into a more permanent long-term stress. Long-term stress, also called chronic
stress, is very damaging to our health and well-being. [322] [323]
The stress reaction
- Scientific points
In the alerting stage of the stress reaction, the Hypothalamus releases as many as 40 different
hormones. These hormones begin a cascade of reactions. The main two significant hormones
that result from this are cortisol and noradrenaline. Cortisol and noradrenaline initially alert us
and we experience unpleasant stress symptoms, such as a dry mouth, a racing heart and
general unease. As cortisol builds, we experience these symptoms more and more.
The body now moves into the resilience stage. Cortisol is formed in the adrenal cortex of the
adrenal gland. This is a small structure just above our kidneys. This same structure now comes
to our rescue and releases a different hormone: dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA). This
hormone reduces the cortisol levels and gives us chance to sort out the cause of the stress. At
this point, if we recognise that we have control of the stress then we can act. [324]
However, if we don’t sort out the stress then the level of cortisol overpowers the DHEA and
we return to the stressful state again.
In our model, this equates to the Chimp alerting the Human and the Human having chance
to sort the problem out. If the Human doesn’t sort the problem out, then the Chimp will
overwhelm the Human and remain in a stressed state. [325]
Managing the stress reaction

There are significant points during the stress reaction, where we can intervene
or promote behaviours that will help us to return to a steady state of mind.
These interventions can help us to avoid reaching the stress stage.
Alerting Stage Recognise stress potential

Spot the warning symptoms
Don’t engage with the symptoms
Actively move into the resilience stage
Resilience Stage Recognise the need for action
Clarify where the stress is coming from
Form a plan
Revise or refine the plan if it isn’t working
Before I go into details, I would like to give a gentle reminder! We all know
that most things in life need some dedicated time, effort and commitment to
make them work. Managing stress is definitely in this category. Therefore, I
recommend that you consider reading the following passages as a working
blueprint to put into practice and not just as an academic exercise. The ideas
and information that follow are to offer suggestions for your plans, but I am
sure that you will be able to add some of your own ideas.
The process in overview
The stress reaction: Stage 1 - The

alerting stage
Recognising an alert
Not every alerting reaction that we experience needs addressing. Some
situations pass quickly. Other situations can result in a stress state if we don’t
recognise the possibility that things can get worse, unless we act. Therefore, it
is important to spot the first stage that could lead on to stress if we don’t
address any alert as it happens.
For example, if someone makes a rude remark about you or causes offence,
you are likely to feel some kind of reaction. If you don’t address this reaction
in a constructive way, it is possible that future interactions with the same
person could be jeopardised and lead to feelings of stress. If at the time you
address the rude remark or offensive comment in a helpful manner, then future
interactions with the person could be positive and stress-free.
Example: Harriet and the error
Harriet works as a shop assistant. A customer arrived and bought some goods.
Harriet accepted the payment but made an error in recording the sale. This
error resulted in significant work for Harriet’s colleagues.
In this example, Harriet will have had an alerting stage where she realised
that she had made the error. If she recognises this stage, then she can use the
uncomfortable feelings to prompt a helpful response. If she doesn’t formulate
a plan to remove the feelings, but just allows them to subside, she might be
storing up future stress.
For example, her Chimp might interpret the mistake to mean that she is not
competent. The Chimp could then put into the Computer an unhelpful Gremlin
stating: “I am incompetent at my job”. Therefore, Harriet needs to address the
mistake. Otherwise, it is likely that this Gremlin will appear in the future,
whenever she is asked to do something where there is room for error. This in
turn could lead to low self-esteem or a lack of confidence.
All of this could happen if Harriet A platform for stress!
doesn’t stop and move into the
resilience stage, with a plan of action,
when the first alerting stage is
experienced. Her plan could be to
immediately address what it means to
make an error and how this doesn’t
imply anything, other than an error
had been made.
The alerting stage is therefore a
wake-up call to move into the
resilience stage and form a
constructive and effective plan of action. By forming a plan, we can stop the
stress process.
Symptoms of the alerting stage
The symptoms experienced will depend on how threatened your Chimp feels.
These symptoms are the same symptoms that you could experience if you end
up in the stressed stage. However, in the alerting stage, they will be helpful to
you because they are temporary and can guide you into action. Typical
symptoms could include: [326]
Upset
Unease Key Point
Being on edge As soon as you recognise
Anxiety the alerting stage is
Worry present, don’t engage with
Feelings of panic emotions but move into
Fear
Increased heart rate the resilience phase and
Irritability form a plan.
Frustration
Anger
As you can see from the list, your mind can alert you in numerous ways. It
doesn’t matter which of the emotions your mind sends you, the message is
always the same. That message is: move into the resilience stage and form a
plan.
What happens if you don’t acknowledge the symptoms or if you ignore
their message and allow your emotions to take over?
Not acknowledging the alerts given in Not acknowledging the alert
the first stage means that you will stage
enter the resilience stage without
employing the resilience hormones
that nature is sending you. It is then
more likely that the symptoms will
take over, allowing them to upset you,
and you will miss the chance to act on
the message that they are conveying.
[327] [318] [328]
The stress reaction: Stage 2 - the

resilience stage
After the mind and body has alerted us to the fact that something is not going
as desired, we enter a stage where our mind tries to help us. The mind does
this by converting the negative symptoms into energy for action. We release a
hormone that heads up the resilience phase. This is a window of opportunity to
form a plan and ensure that we don’t enter the third stage of the stress reaction.
If we form an effective plan, then we will revert to a relaxed state of mind.
[329] [330] [327]
How do we form a plan?

The first step is to clarify exactly where the alert is coming from. What exactly
is behind the alarm that something is wrong?
The cause of the alerting phase is sometimes obvious but sometimes it is
disguised and can easily be missed. Our plans can then be ineffective.
Example: Sharon and the hidden Gremlins
Sharon works as a teacher in a primary school. External authorities are
assessing the school and everyone can see that the headteacher is feeling under
pressure. The headteacher has visited Sharon’s class unannounced and pointed
out several concerns about Sharon’s running of the class. Sharon was not given
chance to respond and the headteacher left.
The real problem here is unlikely to be about Sharon’s teaching; it is to do
with the headteacher. The headteacher is likely to continue to criticise Sharon,
whatever Sharon does. The problem is to address the headteacher’s stress.
However, if Sharon doesn’t recognise the real problem, she might form an
ineffective plan that could lead to further stress. For example, her plan could
be to question her own ability to teach. In assessing herself, she might turn to
her Computer to check on her beliefs. If the Computer has a number of
Gremlins in it, then these can cause her to behave in an unhelpful way. Here
are some possible Gremlins that Sharon could have:
A belief that she is a fraud and is being found out (imposter syndrome)
A belief that she cannot implement assertiveness
A fear, that if she speaks up, there will be repercussions that she cannot
deal with
A belief that nothing she does will change things
A belief that the headteacher is personally attacking her
This example is to demonstrate that sometimes our plans are based on a wrong
assumption of what the cause of the alerting phase is. If we then make
incorrect assumptions, they can be strengthened by hidden Gremlins. If we
don’t find the real cause of the stress and don’t also address the Gremlins, we
will continue with these beliefs and enter the stress stage.
Our plan of action must be effective in addressing the real cause of stress if
we are to return to a peaceful state of mind.
It’s important to find the real cause of stress
Once we have clarified the underlying reason that we are being alerted, we
need to have a plan that will solve the problem that has arisen. What we don’t
want is a plan that merely avoids the problem or creates a problem of its own.
Example: Ayaan and his Chimp’s plan
Ayaan has three children in their teens. He gets along well with two of them
but has difficulties with the third. This daughter, Emma, appears to challenge
everything he says and is very moody. He recognises that this is alerting him,
and he has entered the resilience stage.
Sadly, his Chimp has taken the lead in forming a plan of action. Please
remember the Chimp doesn’t look for solutions, it just tries to remove the
problem or uses avoidance to escape the situation. Ayaan’s Chimp has decided
that the best plan is for him to avoid his daughter and to ask her mother to deal
with any difficult situations. Although this might remove him from the
situation, it is not solving the underlying problem. It is also laying down
foundations for further problems.
He is not forming a healthy
relationship with his daughter. Key Point
Additionally, she is not learning to The plan formed during
interact appropriately with others or to the resilience stage must
take responsibility for her own moods. be effective and result in
A true solution would be for Ayaan to resolution of the cause of
form a plan of how he can
the alert; otherwise we will
communicate in a constructive way
enter the stress stage.
with his daughter and help her to learn
to manage her moods. His Chimp’s
plan is very likely to fail and result in a stress stage setting in.
Working with the Human during the resilience stage
In order to return to a steady state of mind, the Human needs to take over and
form the plans during the resilience opportunity. [269] [331]
The Human can use the Stone of Life to begin the stabilising of the mind.
The three key elements that the Stone of Life will bring are:
1. Accepting and working with the facts and the reality of the situation
2. Gaining strength by working with your values
3. Bringing perspective to the situation
The plan will first establish the facts and accept what can and can’t be done.
The Human will look inwardly to see if your conscience is clear and that you
have done the right thing according to your values. Then the Human will look
at the bigger picture to bring perspective.
Planning the resilience stage
Example: George and the criticism
George has been unfairly criticised by Unfair criticism has moved the
a few people on social media. The Chimp into the alert stage
comments made were untrue and
unkind. He feels upset and distressed
by the situation. His Chimp has gone
into a bad place and is unsure what to
do. It wants to fight back or run away
but feels it can do neither.
At this point, George can clearly
see that he has entered the alerting
stage. The resilience stage is
emerging as George’s Chimp tries to
find a plan of action, which would be
to just avoid the problem but not find
a solution. It is at this point that George needs to move into Human mode and
begin to construct a plan of action.
First, he gathers the facts. Here is what George believes to be some of the
facts:
Some people can be unkind, and I can’t change that
I have a choice about whether I want to listen to them
I can’t stop people believing what they want to believe
If my Chimp won’t settle, then I can put out a statement of truth
It isn’t worth trying to get unkind and unreasonable people to change
their minds because they won’t
This untruth might stay forever in some people’s minds
The people who love me know the truth
It is my choice where to put my focus and thoughts
George now adds perspective:
Most people will forget very quickly what was said
Most people don’t care
In a few weeks’ time everything will have moved on
Looking at my whole life, this is trivial
Everybody suffers unfair criticism at some point in their life
Finally, George looks inwardly to his values:
I know the truth
I have lived by my values
I have done the right thing
I will hold my head up
What if George hasn’t done the right thing?

What if George looks inwardly and finds that he has done something wrong
and some of the comments made were true? Then George can still move into
Human mode to make the plan to return into a steady state of mind. This time
he might have the following, as examples for the plan:
Facts:
I have done what I have done
I can’t change the past, but I can change the future
I can apologise and make amends
I can try to put things right
I can accept responsibility
Perspective:
Everyone makes mistakes
Everyone does something that they wish they hadn’t done
Mistakes can be amended or compensated for
This isn’t my first mistake and it won’t be my last
If it isn’t too serious then get a sense of humour and laugh at yourself
Values:
I can accept responsibility and be honest
I can say sorry
I can try to put things right
If I can forgive others, then I need to forgive myself
What happens if my plan doesn’t return me to peace of mind?
Sometimes, we have to refine our plan or try with a second plan. In the
example above, George could find that his plans seem to fail because he hasn’t
allowed some time for his Chimp to get over the situation. The Chimp might
need a few days or weeks before it can move on. If George can accept this,
then he can rewrite his plan to include some time for his Chimp to express its
grievances before he brings himself into reality.
As long as there is a plan in place that offers a way forward, there will be
energy. Energy diminishes when a plan fails and there seems to be no way
forward. [327]
A constructive plan might need refining to maintain resilience
Stress reaction: Stage 3 – The stress

stage
If we don’t manage to form and
execute an effective plan that will take Key Point
us back to a steady state of mind, then As long as we have a
we will move into the stress stage. The constructive and
transition into the stress stage is seen in potentially effective plan
the brain by the resilience hormone in place then resilience
being suppressed by the stress will continue.
hormone. [328] [332] [333]
Sadly, what often happens during the
resilience stage is that people waste a lot of resilience hormone energy. They
do this by allowing their Chimp to complain and worry instead of acting. They
then enter the stress stage with what is termed an acute stress reaction, which
is a state of stress where damaging hormones are being released. They
experience very similar symptoms to those experienced in the alerting stage.
These symptoms are usually accompanied by lots of concerns and worries
with feelings of being trapped.
Energy is wasted on the Chimp complaining and worrying, instead
of using the energy for your Human to act.
Acute stress will be damaging to the body and mind. It typically causes such
things as:
Anxiety
Panic attacks
A sense of unease and restlessness
Disrupted sleep
Bingeing or comfort eating
Loss or gain in weight
Fatigue
A disrupted social life
Compromised relationships
Agitation or irritation
Tearfulness
Loss of confidence
Ruminating about the same things over and over
The list offers some examples and is extensive. Although it might seem
strange, many people fail to recognise that they are stressed and begin to
accept a whole host of symptoms as part of a normal life for them.
The acute stage of stress has two progressions:

Moving back to the resilience stage
Moving into a chronic stress state
How to return to the resilience stage
Moving back to the resilience stage can be accomplished by using the
following steps:
1. Recognise that you are under stress and work out exactly what the cause
is
2. Accept that there is a problem to address and that it needs addressing
3. Accept that there is a way forward, it just needs some time to work this
out
4. Acknowledge that the way forward might include having to accept:
Something that is not ideal
A compromise
Something that can’t be changed
It is pertinent to see that the way out of
stress involves a lot of acceptance and Key Point
working with reality and truths. In Using relaxation
other words, moving from Chimp to techniques can be very
Human. Once these steps have been helpful, but they won’t
followed, you will automatically begin address the cause of the
to form a plan for moving forward and stress or anxiety.
enter the resilience stage again.
Learning to use relaxation
techniques will help to ease a lot of anxiety and is recommended. However,
using relaxation techniques alone, without addressing the cause of the stress or
anxiety won’t get to the root of the problem.
What happens if I move into a chronic stress stage?

Chronic stress mostly occurs from two main causes:
1. That we can’t see that we are
stressed.
2. That we have come to believe
that how we feel and the
symptoms we experience, are
normal. It’s not unusual for
someone who is in a state of
chronic stress to start describing
themselves in terms of their
symptoms. For example, they
might say, “I easily become A permanent state of stress
irritable”, “I know I am a
worrier” or “I seem to be a control freak”.
What they could be describing are symptoms of chronic stress and nothing to
do with them as a person.
The chronic stress state is very likely to result in physical and psychological
health problems [334] [323] such as:
A lowering of your immune defences (resulting in colds and other
infections)
Headaches or migraines
Loss of energy
Poor sleep patterns
Various states of anxiety or low mood
Chronic stress symptoms

How do I remove chronic stress?
For any individual, chronic stress usually has a number of causes. Each cause
must be found and addressed with a specific plan. There is a very important
point to consider when removing chronic stress. You need to know how you
aim to be, in order to know that you have been successful. In other words, first
work out what you think the ideal situation will be and how you will be when
the stress is gone. As you have been in a chronic stress state for some time, it
can be difficult to appreciate what normality could feel like.
Chronic stress can create its own persistent habits, symptoms or
consequences that might need addressing in their own right. These created
Gremlins add to the stress.
For example, chronic stress Chronic stress can create Gremlins
often results in poor sleep
patterns. [335] [336] Even after
removing whatever it is that
created the stress in the first
place, you might find that you
still have a sleep problem.
Therefore, it can help to form
a list of created problems that
have resulted from chronic stress and address these problems individually.
Unit 18
Reminders
Neuroscientifically stress can be seen to form in three stages:
1. The alerting stage
2. The resilience stage
3. The stress stage
Each stage can be recognised, and we can learn to move between
stages
The key point in the resilience stage is to form an effective plan
Chronic stress needs to be recognised before being managed
Unit 18
Exercises
1. Managing the stress reaction
2. Checking on the real cause of stress
3. Checking for and removing chronic stress
Focus 1: Managing the stress reaction

Forming a plan, the moment that you recognise that stress is appearing, is
the most important part of managing the stress reaction.
Exercise: Recognising and managing stress
Try to develop a habit of forming an immediate plan that involves both the
Human and Chimp. In other words:
1. Planning how your Human can go forward with a logical and factual
approach
2. Planning how you can manage your Chimp to go forward by
expressing feelings and emotions; then looking forward to better
feelings, when resolution of the stress has happened.
Focus 2: Checking on the real cause of

stress
The trigger incident that causes stress is commonly underpinned by
Gremlins.
Common underlying causes include:
Lack of assertiveness
Low self-esteem
Unrealistic expectations of self
Exercise: Questioning the cause of stress

The next time your Chimp becomes stressed about a situation, ask yourself
why the situation has occurred. A question that might help to find
underlying causes could be:
“If someone else were in this situation and didn’t get stressed, what
feature do they possess that I don’t have?”
If you can elicit this feature, then you will know where to put your focus
and efforts.
Focus 3: Checking for and removing chronic

stress
Chronic stress is usually based on unhelpful habits that we have allowed to
develop. These Gremlins become the norm and then it is hard to detect
them.
Example: Shirley and the family
Shirley has a family of three children and loves them. However, she has
become exhausted looking after them and finds herself irritable and tired a
lot of the time. She hasn’t recognised that the situation is stressing her but
has rationalised it away, by saying that raising three children is going to be
tiring. On closer observation, she can see how she has made it a habit to do
everything for her children. This Gremlin is backed up by another Gremlin
that says to her “a good mother wouldn’t complain about helping her
children”. These Gremlins are blinding Shirley to seeing that a good mother
helps her children to take responsibility for their actions and to learn
independence. This means they could begin to help out around the house
and see that mothers and fathers are supportive but not door mats!
Hopefully, this new role model would help them not to fall into a similar
trap if they become parents.
Exercise: Searching for long-standing Gremlins that create stress
Averill has tried many diets over many years and can’t seem to make any
work. She knows what to do but always seems to go back to old ways and
finds restricting her food really hard to do. This makes her feel bad about
herself because she is overweight and has no willpower. This in turn makes
her feel stressed.
What beliefs or behaviours could you help her to recognise and change?
Check yourself for any symptoms of long-term stress that are listed in
this stage. Try and see where behaviours or beliefs have become unhelpful
habits. Make plans to replace any Gremlins that you find with helpful
Autopilots.
Unit 19
Preventing stress from
occurring
Unit 19: will look at how we can prevent stress from occurring
and how to remove persistent stress. This unit will give you
some practical ways to get you into a good place and feeling
stress-free.
Prevention of stress
Preventing stress from occurring would be the ideal situation. We can
consider two specific strategies that could help:
1. Putting our basic needs in place
2. Finding personal trigger points
1. Putting our basic needs in place

If we put in place the basic needs of
both Human and Chimp, then we are
less likely to become stressed. We
will call this our ‘basic needs list’.
By having a list, you will know
where to direct your attention and
energy.
The basic needs list will have:

Your Human’s basic needs
Your Chimp’s basic needs Reducing the chance of stress
We are all unique, therefore, only occurring
you can decide what these needs are, but I will offer some ideas. The needs
of the Chimp will generally be aimed at areas such as: achievements, self-
image, recognition by others and security. The needs of the Human will
generally be aimed at areas such as: peace of mind, self-esteem, purpose
and satisfaction. Some items could be on both the Human’s and Chimp’s
lists, but probably for very different reasons.
Suggestions for your Chimp’s ‘basic needs list’
Achievement:
Undertaking a project – e.g. creating a garden
Gaining a degree or other qualification
Reaching a high level on a computer game
Reaching a high level in a sport
Esteem and recognition:
Feeling that the achievements give status
Gaining accolade from others
Having a role with a job title
Gaining acknowledgement for special talents, gifts or expertise
Being able to demonstrate knowledge or skills
Security:
Creating a place or space that the Chimp can call its own
Having a well-defined role
Maintaining a support network of people
Having some routines in the week
Having specified areas that the Chimp has control over, with decision-
making power
Suggestions for your Human’s ‘basic needs list’

Self:
Possessing a good self-image – recognising aspects of yourself that
make you feel good about yourself
Demonstrating self-respect – treating yourself supportively and
behaving according to your values
Having self-esteem – recognising that you are equal to others
Self-worth – knowing that you bring value to others by virtue of just
being who you are
Having a great relationship with yourself
Purpose:
Having a constructive and productive role in society
Knowing your role in contributing towards other’s happiness
Developing yourself everyday
Values:
Living out your values
Satisfaction by knowing that you have given the best you can
Being selfless and altruistic
It is important to recognise that in the Human’s basic needs list, most of the
items relating to self are ALREADY FULFILLED. These are the attributes
you already have, if your Chimp or Computer is not interfering. Therefore,
this part of the list is just to remind yourself of who you already are.
If we have all of these items on the basic needs list in place, then we are
likely to have a sound basis for life. This will help in times of pressure.
2. Finding personal trigger points
Trigger points are experiences, situations or even people that cause us
stress. We all have specific trigger points and generally we know what they
are. Therefore, it would be wise to identify our personal trigger points and
have a plan ready to prevent our mind from progressing into a stress state.
[337] [338]
Example: Harrison being overwhelmed

Harrison works for a company answering emails. Most days he can’t keep
up. When he gets home he feels restless, and his mind races with concerns
that he will forget to follow up some of the emails. When Harrison does
catch up, he is fully aware that he will soon have a backlog of emails once
again. How can Harrison manage the stress that he is feeling?
First, he can recognise his trigger points for potential stress. These are
not being able to:
Get through his workload and answer all the emails
Remember to follow up all emails
Switch off from work when he gets home
The most important point here is for Harrison to move from Chimp mode.
He will then have entered the resilience stage of the stress reaction.
In Human mode he can:

Establish the facts
Accept and work with the reality of the situation
Be logical in his approach to solving his problems
Here are some obvious facts:

This type of work will always have times when you cannot keep up
during busy periods
Nobody can keep up if the workload is impossible to manage
You can only work to your best
Allowing the Chimp to think about work, when you don’t want to,
isn’t acceptable
There are solutions but these might not be perfect
If Harrison can accept these facts, as the basis to start from, then he can
move on to finding practical solutions. Just by establishing and accepting
the facts of the situation, he might immediately find a sense of relief.
Moving from Chimp mode to Human mode
There are numerous solutions that could be applied, such as speaking to his
line manager to bring to their attention the impossible demands of the job.
Alternatively, if he gets no support, he could change jobs. However, let us
assume that he wants or has to continue with the job, and nobody is
complaining about his work efficiency.
In this case, he will need to accept some facts about his work, such as:
His work is necessarily like being on a treadmill, which will keep
moving along and he needs to decide when it is time to step off and
take a break
As long as he stays in this job, the treadmill will always be there
He has to change his beliefs about how he feels he is doing
He will need to get work out of his mind preferably before he arrives
home
Let’s consider the last point: getting things off his mind. Some practical
points will help. For example:
Writing lists and memos to avoid forgetting important things is a very
good way to take pressure off yourself and your own memory. If
Harrison writes out his concerns at the end of his working day, then he
can effectively leave his work behind him.
Priority lists can also help. Sometimes it is helpful to address your
tasks in an order that will give you peace of mind at the end of the day,
rather than the natural order you need to get things done.
If he gets home and he still can’t switch off, he could have a dedicated
time to unwind by reassuring his Chimp that he has written a list of
everything he will need to remember. This will be at work waiting for
him when he returns.
Unwinding means different things to different people: music, quiet
time, talking with a friend or going online. Only you can work out the
best way for you to unwind.
What if his Chimp still breaks
through during the down time? It is Key Point
important not to engage with any Just because your Chimp
unwelcome emotion or thought from offers you an emotion
the Chimp. You can reject it, with an doesn’t mean that you
explanation to the Chimp as to why have to engage with it.
the emotion or thought is unhelpful. You can refuse to engage
The emotion or thought then needs and choose your own
replacing with whatever you want to emotion. It is a skill to do
replace it with. this.
Example: Charity and her trigger point of personal criticism

Charity knows that whenever someone criticises her, her Chimp will take it
very personally and become upset. This usually results in stress. If Charity
knows this, then she can prepare for her Chimp’s usual reaction to any form
of perceived criticism. She can follow the steps that Harrison followed in
the previous example. If she moves into Human mode, she can prepare her
Computer to respond as soon as her Chimp hears an unfavourable comment
about her. The Computer needs to be programmed with facts, such as:
Everybody receives criticism at some point
Not all criticism is correct – we can reject some criticisms
If a criticism is valid then it means we have a learning point
Some people are critical by their nature and we can’t change that
The only comments that count are those from people who care about
us
Charity can then go further by asking how would she like to see herself
respond if a criticism is made? For example, she might choose any of the
following:
Ignore the comment but let the person know that they are welcome to
their opinion
Remain calm and let the comment go without responding
Be assertive and explain that the criticism is unhelpful
Talk to a friend to gain some support and express her feelings
Thank the person and let them know that you respect their opinion
What Charity and Harrison are doing is preparing for the moment that their
Chimp will try to react. They are both programming the Computer with
Autopilots that resonate with themselves. Only they can do this, and it will
help to prevent the stress reaction from occurring.
Important point
Often, when friends state the obvious or offer some common sense, it leaves
us wondering why we didn’t apply these things in the first place. We can all
operate with our Chimp system unless it is challenged. The good news is
that we can apply facts and common sense to our own stress state if we
move into Human mode and programme our Computer.
Thinking ahead – Priming the

Computer
Our Chimps cannot think ahead with rational plans, therefore, we need to
take the initiative and think through our day. We are then much more likely
to respond rationally to things we meet. What we are doing when we take
time to think ahead, is priming the Computer so that it is ready to intervene
when it recognises situations that it has been prepared for.
Example: Barry and the deliveries
Barry works for a courier company. He delivers stock to offices where he
knows there are some difficult customers. They often make his delivery
unpleasant and drawn out. He also knows that he has deadlines to meet. By
preparing himself for his day ahead, he can imagine each drop he has to
make and the kind of problems he might face. He can then plan to manage
his own Chimp and behave as he wishes to, which is in a cooperative and
understanding way. He is aware that his Chimp is intolerant of any hold ups
and can lose perspective. To pre-empt this, he can visualise each drop by
seeing himself in his van, just prior to entering the offices, letting his Chimp
know that he doesn’t want any emotional outbursts. By working with his
Chimp, he is much more likely to have a relaxed and friendly day.
Why might stress persist?

What if you feel that you have done all of these things and still you seem to
be stressed, what then? There are a number of reasons why stress appears to
persist. I will go through four of the commonest reasons:
1. Addressing the wrong concern
2. Emotional scars
3. Tiredness and exhaustion
4. Learned behaviour
Hiden Gremlins can stress the
Chimp
1. Addressing the wrong concern

Sometimes people experience stress because there are hidden Gremlins that
are prodding the Chimp and creating chronic stress. If the person tries to
address only the symptoms of stress but doesn’t address the Gremlins, then
the stress continues.
Example: Joyce and reporting back
Joyce can’t understand why she becomes stressed each week when she
reports to her line manager. The manager is very helpful and encourages
Joyce, so there seems to be no reason why Joyce should continue to become
stressed.
Joyce understands that it is just her Chimp that is doing this. Each week
she tries to reassure the Chimp with facts and evidence that there really is
nothing to worry about, but to no avail. She tries to reason that her Chimp is
irrational and therefore it will do bizarre things that often don’t make sense.
The stress continues and each week she dreads the meeting. It is now
causing her to become unwell. There could be many reasons why this is
happening, and Joyce must explore her mind to find the cause. She might
need some expert help!
In the end, she finally discovers a Gremlin that is prodding her Chimp.
The Gremlin is a belief that should a criticism occur, she will not be able to
cope with it, she will lose her job and there will be dire financial
consequences. A simple belief, such as this, can keep niggling away at us
but be hidden within the mind. Once
it is addressed and replaced with an
Autopilot, the stress will cease.
2. Emotional scars
We have looked at emotional scars in earlier units. Emotional scars are
experiences that we have had, but not fully processed and they come back
to haunt us regularly. If we have not constructed an effective plan to
manage the scars when they reappear, we enter a state of stress. The fear of
the scar reappearing is often worse than the actual experience.
Example: Donna and her father
Donna had a great relationship with her father until she was 15. At that
point, she found out that he had been cheating on her mother and he left the
family home to be with the other woman. It has been ten years since the
incident and Donna feels that although she has forgiven her father, she still
struggles to get over what happened. Donna saw the hurt that her mother
went through and felt disillusioned with her father. Whenever she meets her
father, she still re-lives the day that he left, feels anger and replays it in her
mind. No matter how many times she tries to process the memory of the
day he left, she can’t do it.
The way forward for Donna is to accept that this is not something that
she will get over. Instead, it is something that she will have to come to
terms with and work with. If Donna can learn how to manage the emotional
scar and accept it for what it is, then her stress is likely to diminish and
might disappear. Not accepting that some scars do not go away and can’t be
fully processed will lead to persistent stress.
Consequence and choices when dealing with emotional scars
3. Tiredness and exhaustion

Experiencing a poor night’s sleep is common and we are sometimes tired
the next day. Tired Chimps go into action, usually demonstrating irritability
and a lack of tolerance. Our Chimps easily become stressed. Clearly, if we
are constantly tired or exhausted, we are likely to experience stress, yet the
importance of this is generally not appreciated.
If we do not look after our physical bodies, with adequate rest and
recuperation, then our mental state is at a much higher risk of becoming
stressed. When this happens, persistent stress is a symptom of tiredness,
rather than a reaction to any particular situation. The solution is to stop and
be proactive in getting the rest that you need. We will look at managing
sleep in a later unit.
4. Learned behaviour
Our Chimps are constantly on the lookout for danger, which can turn into
an unhelpful habit of looking for something to worry about. This causes
constant stress. This habit of finding something to worry about, I call the
Mushroom syndrome.
The Mushroom Syndrome
Mushrooms always compete for space and when you pick one another
replaces it. If you replace the word ‘mushroom’ with the word ‘worry’ then
you have the ‘Mushroom Syndrome’. Some people grow worries. They are
allowing their Chimp to constantly find a new worry to focus on. This habit
can be broken once you accept that your Chimp will always find something
to worry about, if you allow it to. We can stop this by introducing
Autopilots into the Computer. These Autopilots could include:
Everybody’s Chimp will find something to worry about, if they allow
it to
It might be natural for a Chimp to worry, but it’s unhelpful
I can distract my Chimp and remove the focus of worry
I have a choice on what I focus on; worry doesn’t help, but plans do
Settle your Chimp when it cultivates worries
Happiness and contentment to ease

or remove stress
We discussed creating ‘happiness lists’ and a ‘peace of mind list’ in unit 15.
These can clearly be a great help in preventing, easing or removing stress.
Don’t forget we need to be proactive if the lists are to work!
If you can’t manage stress then it would be wise to contact a professional
for help.
Unit 19
Reminders
Putting your basic needs list into action can reduce stress
Having a plan to manage personal trigger points reduces stress
It is a skill to choose your emotions
Stress that persists needs the cause addressing
Unit 19
Exercises
1. Preventing stress – the ‘basics needs lists’
2. Personal trigger points addressed
Focus 1: Preventing stress - the ‘basic needs

list’
“Prevention is better than cure”, is a well-known phrase. How can you
prevent stress from occurring in the first place?
Exercise: Forming your basic needs lists
Look back through the section notes on forming the basic needs list and
form your own unique lists. Once you’ve formed them, ensure that you
make it a habit to spend part of your day working from the lists.
If you implement your basic needs regularly, you will find that it
becomes a habit for the Computer to keep reminding you to look after
yourself.
Focus 2: Personal trigger points addressed

Exercise: Preparing for the day ahead
Try spending five or ten minutes each morning reflecting on the day ahead
of you.
Before you go through the day, decide what state of mind you would
like to end your day in. You will then have a goal to aim for
throughout the day.
Predictable things that you experience in your day-to-day life could
have programmed responses put into your Computer by bringing in
perspective.
Go through your day and programme your Computer to act in the way
you would like to act. If situations arise where the Chimp would
otherwise have taken over, your Computer will intervene, and the
result is likely to be a much less stressful day. Programming the
Computer can be as simple as walking away, counting to ten or biting
your lip. The important point is to have some helpful actions ready to
follow. First, try this out in your imagination, and repeat it several
times, so that your Computer is truly programmed to act.
When you feel you have perfected this, try it out for real. Try not to be
disheartened if you don’t manage to follow the Autopilot every time. What
you are doing is creating a neurological pathway in your brain, and this
takes several attempts to establish this. Just keep going!
Unit 20
Managing your environment
and lifestyle
Unit 20: will focus on creating your own supportive and
nurturing world within the world. Environment can make a big
difference to the way our Chimp feels.
The world that you live in

We cannot control the world that we live in and this can be a source of
frustration and distress to our Chimps. [339] [340] We inevitably have
impositions and experiences forced upon us that we do not necessarily
agree with. We also share the world with a lot of people who have different
morals and attitudes. These people can be damaging through their
interactions and comments towards us. How do we survive, what many
people perceive as, a hostile and at times threatening world? One way that
many people manage to feel more at ease is to distinguish between the
external or outside world and the world that they have created. Most of
what happens in the outside world we can do little about and it can have no
consequences to us.
The world that we create for ourselves, is a much more suitable place to
be. If we create our own world, within the world in which we live, and stay
within this created world, then we are much more likely to have relaxed
Chimps and feel we belong here. Creating your own world, means deciding
on who and what is important to you, and then making sure you only work
with this. It also means disregarding any events or comments and opinions
from people that are not important to you.[341]
Example: Katherine and her world
Katherine used to perceive the world as a place that she had to live in and
couldn’t escape. It seemed harsh with people making constant verbal
attacks, leaving her distressed.
Her new perception is now: the
external world might be harsh, but if
I stay within my world, then I am
fine. I disregard events, comments
and opinions from those who I do
not allow into my world. I distance
myself from the external world and
view it as an onlooker.
In my world, I only allow my
friends to enter and any event in my
life is only as important as I allow it
to be. It isn’t easy to dismiss unkind A secure world for you and
comments; but I can, if I don’t value your Chimp within the real
them. world.
Human and Chimp views of the world

Even within our own world, our
Human and Chimp see the world Key Point
very differently. This accounts for
Something is only as
the different approaches that they
important as you allow it
have. The Human might see a to be.
society, but the Chimp sees a jungle.
This means the Chimp will try to
live by the laws of the jungle. The laws of the jungle are certainly not
civilised. Our Chimps will search for the right part of the jungle to live in.
This would provide essential things to the Chimp such as, security, food and
its Troop. Once found, this part of the jungle will have its boundaries
determined.
Dominance and violence are two strong working characteristics of the
Chimp within a jungle setting. If another unwelcome Chimp enters its
boundary then there will be unease and usually trouble. We can see some
Chimps using bullying, harassment and intimidation.
Example: Maurice and his Chimp’s boundaries
Maurice works as part of a small
team on a building site. He is the Key Point
plumber in the team. He has realised In areas involving
that another member of the team has ‘territory’, it is always
been helping with some plumbing worth asking: are you are
without him being informed. in Human mode and
Chimp view: the way the seeing a society or in
Chimp will see this is that his Chimp mode and seeing a
territory has been invaded and jungle?
is under threat of being taken
from him. He sees another Chimp challenging his role. The Chimp
sees a jungle and will use aggressive and confrontational methods to
put things right.
Human view: Maurice’s Human will see his team member as being
inappropriate and it needs to be talked about and sorted out. This is
because Maurice, when he works with his Human, sees a society and
knows that society works with solutions and discussions.
Boundary disputes occur at work and at home. Neighbour disputes are often
about literal boundaries to their property. Many home boundaries and hedge
disputes could be resolved if people worked with their Human and by
society rules. If we view the world as a jungle, then we are more likely to
move into Chimp mode and allow our Chimp to dictate our behaviour. By
viewing the world as a society, albeit with a lot of people in Chimp mode,
we can still remain in Human mode ourselves and work with society values.
The right part of the jungle! What can
your Chimp tolerate?
As the Chimp sees the outside world as a jungle that it has to enter, it is
important that we take our Chimp to live in the right part of the jungle.
There are therefore two concepts at play:
1. We need to live in the right part of the jungle (outside world) that suits
our Chimp
2. When we are in this part of the jungle, we need to remain within our
own world
Therefore, we need to know where the right part of the jungle is. Chimps
that are in the right part of the jungle are confident and happy.
The right part of the jungle for your Chimp includes:

Your environment: home and work
Your role: at work and in life
Your relationships
Your environment and role in life are critical to your Chimp’s happiness and
health. An unhappy Chimp won’t tolerate the wrong part of the jungle.
Example: Jack and his road to freedom
Jack worked for years in the centre
of a big city. He had a good job and
there were no specific problems. His
Chimp was unsettled and didn’t cope
with this environment. Jack’s logic,
from his Human, was to justify
staying in the city because it was a
good job, with good money and the
potential for further promotion.
However, the Chimp doesn’t work Your Chimp will be happy in the
with reason, it works with feelings. right part of the jungle
When Jack finally gave way to his
Chimp he found a more settled and fulfilling life in a rural setting.
Happiness is primarily Chimp based: our Human predominantly brings
logic to the table but it is the Chimp who brings feelings.
Sometimes we have to listen to
our Chimps and not box them. There
are some things that they cannot and
will not tolerate. Sometimes our
Chimps won’t tolerate a particular
job and fighting this will be a losing
battle. The Chimp will let us know
which part of the jungle it wants to
live in, and this includes its
relationships and job; we just need
to listen.
Managing behaviour and mood by

using your environment
Our environment plays a big part in our health and wellbeing. Creating your
own world is not just practical but therapeutic. For example, many people
use music or aromas to help them to relax. [342] [343] [344] The setting in
which we find ourselves can greatly influence our behaviour.
Nidotherapy
- Scientific points
Although Nidotherapy was introduced to help people with severe mental health problems,
the principles can be applied to all of us. Simplified, Nidotherapy aims to help people to
cope and to get the best out of themselves by assisting them to create their own supportive
and safe setting. It is the setting that is ‘treated’ rather than the person.
If we place ourselves in an environment that suits us, then we are much more likely to
feel empowered, be more relaxed and be more productive. Workplaces and home life have
both been studied and demonstrate that the psychological effects of creating your own
environment are beneficial to your health. [345] [346] [347] [348]
Several studies have shown that our environment can affect our decisions
and mood. For example, restaurants have found that even the colour of the
walls and the lighting will modify our behaviour. [349] [350]
Colour and sleep
- Scientific points
All of us respond to colour differently and can attach mood states to colour from experience.
However, there are some colours that affect the majority of us in a specific way. The colour
blue appears to wake us up whereas the colour red appears to make us drowsy. This might
suggest that we are following the colour of the day, with morning and daytime wakening
attached to blue skies and red colours attached to sunsets. Restaurants with blue colour
schemes apparently sell more food than restaurants with red colour schemes. It’s also been
found that orange lighting for a few hours before sleep will help to put us into a more sleep-
prone state than white lighting. [351] [352] [353]
Your colour schemes can affect not

just mood but also levels of arousal. Key Point
The question you could ask
Create a Human-led
yourself is: is my environment
environment but make it
bringing out the best in me? Chimp friendly.
When planning your world,
remember to be kind to your Chimp
and make it a Chimp friendly world.
Looking after your intellect and your emotions are both needed to keep your
Chimp happy. Your environment is not just about the physical setting but
also about things such as the company you keep, the work that you do, how
you spend your leisure time and the mental stimulation that you have.
Stimulating environments
- Scientific points
Enriched stimulating environments appear to be critical for developing and maintaining a
healthy mind. Young children, around the age of four, who have an enriched environment
with lots of stimuli, will have increased intellectual development compared to those young
children who have a poor environment. [354] [355] [356] [287]
Even animals are psychologically in a better place if they have enriched environments. As
we grow older, our mental health and intellect is maintained if we continue to stimulate our
minds. Stimulation appears to slow down or ward off mental decline. [357] [358]
Key Point
A significant part of
getting the best out of
yourself and becoming
resilient involves being
proactive in creating your
own world.
Unit 20
Reminders
Creating your own world can have immense benefits to you
Something is only as important as you allow it to be
Seeing the world as a jungle will evoke Chimp activity in your mind
Seeing the world as a society will evoke Human activity in your mind
Create a Human-lead environment, but make it Chimp friendly
Your environment is a significant factor for building resilience
Unit 20
Exercises
1. Learning to live within your own world
2. Seeing the world as a society, but with roaming Chimps
3. Establishing and implementing lifestyle choices
Focus 1: Learning to live within your own

world
Over many years of working with people to help them to cope with their
emotions and feelings, one of the common factors that causes big problems
is taking to heart the opinion of others.
By seeing yourself living in your own world, this problem can be
removed. The key to this is to learn to decide on what is relevant and
important to you and to dismiss irrelevant or unimportant opinions. It is
helpful to replace unkind or critical remarks with kind remarks from friends
or strangers, who are being supportive. We can never please everyone;
therefore, learn the skill of being selective.
Exercise: Learning to dismiss destructive or unwelcome opinions
A starting point would be to first gather opinions that you do welcome and
that are constructive and supportive to you. If you have these firmly within
your mind, then when an unwelcome opinion comes along it will be much
easier to dismiss it. Try and establish some Autopilots that will help settle
your Chimp and help you to dismiss unimportant opinions. Here are some
suggestions:
There will always be unpleasant opinions from unpleasant people
Unpleasant comments are exactly what they are and nothing more
There will always be people supporting me
As long as I live by my own values, then I will hold my head up
I can’t change the world, but I can change my world
Verbal attacks on me are only attacks if I allow them to be important
Focus 2: Seeing the world as a society, but
with roaming Chimps
Exercise: Seeing the world as a society
In order to help you to stay in Human mode try and visualise the world as a
society rather than a jungle and go through a typical day that you might
experience. As you visualise this, remember that you will meet others in
Chimp mode. Try to see these people as roaming Chimps and manage your
interactions with them appropriately. As always, begin by asking yourself
how you want to behave in any stressful situations and then visualise
yourself carrying out these actions.
Focus 3: Establishing and implementing

lifestyle choices
When creating our own world, we have to think seriously about our choice
of lifestyle.
The company we keep, the food we eat and the activities we choose are
just part of the environment that we will live in. Therefore, if someone is
serious about looking after themselves, each area that creates our
environment should be given careful consideration. With good choices, our
environment can put us into a good place.
Exercise: Reviewing lifestyle choices
Consider all the areas that can make up your world and view them as
lifestyle choices. Think about what your needs are and what your Chimps
needs are when it comes to how these contribute to the world that you have
created.
If you are going to make changes, then small changes are usually the best
ones to make because they often stick and reap the best rewards.
Here is a list for you to consider, you might want to add some areas of
your own.
Areas that create your world:
The company you keep
How you use your leisure time
Your nutrition
Your exercise
What mental stimulation you have in place
What you do to relax
Your role in life
Your job
Your retreat space
Unit 21
Recuperation
Unit 21: addresses recuperation, which includes: time out, brief
and long rest periods and sleep. We all know how important this
is!
Introduction to this unit

So far, we have specifically Is your Chimp different when tired or
focussed on the functioning rested?
of the mind. Our physical
health can affect the
functioning of the mind. [359]
[360] The commonest
problem for the mind is not
getting enough rest or sleep
and tiredness can lead to
underperformance or even to
burnout. When we are tired,
our Chimp will find
hijacking us very easy to do and we can appear to be a very different
person. This is because we can rapidly alternate between Human and
Chimp. Therefore, I hope it won’t take too much convincing to appreciate
how important this unit could be.
To address the two areas of rest and sleep in detail involves looking at the
science. If you would prefer, you can omit the science boxes and focus on
the practical suggestions. Some of these practical suggestions might feel
like common sense, but being reminded of them can help to ensure we
actually put common sense into practice.
Recuperation
Recuperation is arguably the most important area to address. [361] [362] It
could be divided up into:
Brief rest periods
Longer rest periods
Sleep
Rehabilitation
Why are these areas so important?

There are numerous physical effects on our health when we become tired.
[363] [364] [365] [366] Apart from the physical effects, when our Chimp takes
over it can affect our perception and interpretation of what is happening.
This in turn influences our decision-making and powers of judgement. [365]
There is a lot at stake!
Most of us can relate to this when we have not had enough sleep. We
might become easily irritated, lose focus or lose the patience to persevere
with tasks.
Pause and think for a moment about how much energy and enthusiasm
we naturally generate when we are physically rested and rejuvenated. It is
common sense to make the effort to put ourselves into a rested state. [367]
Brief rest periods

Brief rest periods are when we take time out for a breather from what we are
focussing on. Simple things, such as down time or rest can make a big
difference to how the Chimp reacts. [368] [369] As with all aspects of mind
management, it is a skill to recognise when your mind is telling you that it
needs a short break. It’s also a skill to know how much time out your unique
mind needs. Brief rest periods during the day, such as coffee breaks or lunch
breaks, allow your mind to reset. During this time, the mind benefits from
stepping away from its focus and switching off from concentrating. [370]
[371]
When relaxed, the mind will move into Human mode. It can then bring in
perspective, which has a calming influence. Our ability to retain focus
varies depending on the task that we are doing. However, whatever the task,
we can always increase our focus regardless of how engrossed we are.
Research shows that after a break, there is improved maintenance in
executive functioning and decision-making, but without the break they
would diminish. [372]
A short break can make all the difference!
Beware of too much coffee!

Example: Rhonda and her coffee use
Rhonda has reached her break and is drinking her fourth cup of coffee for
the day. She appreciates that this caffeine boost gives her more alertness and
the ability to think more clearly. [373] [374] However, she continues her coffee
intake until she leaves for home at 5 p.m. What Rhonda claims is that the
coffee keeps her focussed throughout the day and that as long as she stops at
5 p.m., she will not be kept awake that night with excess caffeine; but how
true is this?
We are genetically programmed differently but for most people caffeine
will have a half-life of eight hours. Therefore, eight hours after we first
drink the coffee, we will still have half the level of caffeine in our system.
There is evidence to show that caffeine can have a negative effect on sleep,
if taken too late in the day. [375] Rhonda will have the effects of caffeine
fairly strongly for eight hours. She is likely to still be feeling the effects of
caffeine after she leaves work at 5 p.m. until 1 a.m. the next day! It’s no
wonder many caffeine drinks and foods can affect our sleep without us
realising and that this can be why we can’t fall asleep. Only you can find
out what works for you.
Research also shows [376] [370] that breaks from work are more effective
when they include a change of focus, such as:
Moving away from your work or task location
Taking walks
Meditating
Changing your focus to future events
Taking in nature
If, like many people, you choose not to take these breaks, then consider the
risks that could go with it. [377] [378] The risks can include:
Less productivity
Affecting others around you negatively
Having a detrimental effect on your own well-being
Longer rest periods

Evenings, weekends and holidays are when we have the opportunity for
longer periods of relaxation, assuming we work regular hours. The critical
questions are:
Is there evidence that taking longer time periods away from work
actually helps our wellbeing?
If so, what can we do during this time that will actually help?
Taking holidays or long weekends does help. [379] [380] [381] However, the
extent of the benefit and how long it lasts depends on what we do on the
holiday.
If you do take a break, then it should be a complete break from work. If
you work during the holiday, then any potential gains could be lost. [382]
Taking a long weekend appears to give health benefits in terms of
reduced stress and general well-being, provided you leave the environment
of your home and go to a hotel. Staying at home doesn’t appear to work as
well. The positive effects of the time away from work last for between one
and two months. [383] [384]
Longer vacations of a week or more help with general well-being
providing the activities on the holiday are based on pleasurable things that
result in good memories. [379] When on holiday, having constructive
conversations with a partner or a close friend helps, as does talking about
your experiences on your return.
Preparing yourself for leaving work by completing or delegating tasks
before a holiday also helps, along with ensuring that you will return to a
manageable workload.
Although these are common sense ways to promote health benefits when
going on leave from work, we often neglect them. [385] In our model, what
is happening during rest or holiday periods is that the Human and Chimp are
processing and tidying up events in our mind. The Human is able to take
over management of the brain and bring perspective and reality to bear on
our past experiences and current position in life.
Sleep
Sleep is a necessary function of our The Human is able to help the
machine (body and mind) that we Chimp to process events during
can understand and work with. sleep
During sleep, the Chimp and Human
communicate, and the Human is able
to help the Chimp to process events.
[386] [387] It is the reason why we
sometimes sleep on a problem then
see it very differently the next day.
What is the purpose of sleep?

Although there is much debate about the functions of sleep, it is generally
agreed that the following are important aspects of sleep:
Physical rest
Maintenance of brain systems
Memory consolidation and learning
Brain activity during sleep
- Scientific points
During sleep, the brain is very active and performs many tasks that appear to have two main
functions. The first is general maintenance aspects, such as removal of waste by-products
from the brain. [388] The second is improvement work that is centred on learning, and
sorting and storing memories. [389] [390] [391] Our sleep patterns and quality of sleep also
affect other systems, such as synchronising some hormonal systems and fine-tuning our
immune system. It’s not surprising then that prolonged mild sleep deprivation has been
linked with impairment of our cognitive functioning and emotional instability. [389] [392] [393]
Sleep cycles
- Scientific points
During sleep we pass through different stages of sleep that keep repeating. These repeat
cycles of sleep typically take about 90 minutes to complete. [394] The cycles take us into
light sleep, then into deep sleep, then back again to light sleep and finally, a state called
REM sleep. REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement. After REM sleep, we return to deep
sleep and continue the cycle.
The cycles are repeated throughout our sleep, but deep sleep becomes less, and REM
sleep becomes more, as we progress through each cycle.
What happens at each stage?

Drowsiness and light sleep: during this stage of sleep, we experience visual images
crossing our mind. Initially our eyes are still moving but as we progress into sleep they
cease to move, and our body enters a rest phase. We can easily be awoken during the early
stages of sleep.
Deep sleep: brain wave patterns change, and it is difficult to rouse somebody when they
enter the deep sleep stage. If we do rouse somebody, then they usually feel groggy and find
it difficult to focus. During this stage there are no eye-movements and no muscle activity.
REM sleep: as we rise out of deep sleep and back to light sleep, we enter a very different
kind of sleep state called REM sleep. During REM sleep everything changes! Our eyes
move about rapidly, hence the name ‘rapid eye movement’ sleep. We breathe less deeply
and more erratically. Our hearts beat faster, and our blood pressure rises. This is the time
when we dream.
Are all the stages of sleep necessary?
The simple answer is yes. If we don’t get enough deep sleep or REM sleep, then we can
jeopardise our physical and mental health. If we don’t get enough REM sleep then the brain
will not wait 90 minutes before entering REM sleep, instead it can enter REM sleep as soon
as we fall asleep.
How much sleep do we need?

The first thing to address is how much do you need? Generally speaking, this varies
throughout our lifetime. [395] Young children and teenagers need far more sleep than
adults. Older people tend to have less sleep. The sleep cycle also alters during our lifetime.
Teenager’s brains move their bedtime and waking time back. Therefore, most teenagers will
struggle to get to sleep before mid-night and struggle to wake before mid-morning. There is
a debate about moving school hours to follow the science of sleep rather than impose on
teenagers a sleep-wake regime that does not make sense scientifically. Older people’s
brains tend to move their sleep cycle forward. They retire to bed early, appear to sleep less
and rise early. These findings are common but only you can decide what works for you and
whether you are a night owl or a lark.
The amount of sleep varies from person to person and researchers debate the ideal
amount of sleep required for an adult. 7 or 8 hours is often the quoted amount we need.
However, there is great variance, and your own experience will dictate what you need.
How to approach sleep with a plan

We can form a plan for sleep by
considering three significant Key Point
biological systems that influence our When we have poor sleep
sleep: patterns it is usually one
1. The light/dark system or more of these three
2. The activating system systems that we need to
3. The tiredness system address.
The light/dark system
- Scientific points
The light/dark system relies on our eyes detecting light and changes in it. When darkness
falls, the pineal gland in our brain starts producing a substance called melatonin. Melatonin
will help to send us to sleep.
When light hits the eyes, a message is sent to the brain advising it to stop producing
melatonin, and we wake up.
The system is in reality much more complex because when light hits the retina it sets off a
cascade of reactions. [396] First it activates an area of the brain called the suprachiasmatic
nucleus (SCN). The SCN activates the paraventricular nucleus, which in turn activates an
area called the T1T2 of the sympathetic nervous system. T1T2 then stops the superior
cervical ganglion from working. If this ganglion is inactivated then the pineal gland can’t
produce melatonin and therefore we wake up! Let’s just stick to knowing that we have a
system that works with light and melatonin! [397]
Of interest, the SCN is also known as being the brain’s clock. [398] This is important
because it doesn’t just work with light, but it can also be set by habit. Therefore, regular
bedtimes will set the clock to go to sleep, with or without light.
Practical points on how we can engage the light dark system to our
advantage
Darkness -We can simulate the hours of darkness by simply making
sure that where we want to sleep is dark enough to allow melatonin to
be produced. It helps to avoid short wavelength blue light from bright
screens, such as smartphones and laptops, during the hour before sleep.
Early light – Early morning bright light will wake our systems up.
Interestingly, the retina at the back of the eye has rods and cones for
vision but the light system does not use these. It uses different cells,
which means that even those without sight or limited sight can still
operate the light/dark system.
Regular sleep hours - The biological clock within our brain will
become set by sticking to regular sleeping times. If we vary our hours,
particularly at weekends, then the clock will become confused and the
sleep rhythm will be lost.
Beware catnaps! – If your sleep is not good at night then catnapping
could be the cause. The clock needs to be regulated and sleeping
during the day can disrupt this. However, some people find a ‘power
nap’ to be beneficial. Only you can work out what works for you.
The activating system

- Scientific points
This complex system within the brain is the
main control for sleep.
The system is constantly monitoring
sensory signals from our bodies and mind. It
keeps us awake during the day and allows
us to sleep at night, but only if it is not
detecting a problem. It is called the reticular
activating system and it will wake us up
during sleep if it senses that something
might be wrong. [399] For example, if we
hear a noise, are too hot, or if our mind is
troubled then it will wake us up. It’s very
important that we help this system to relax
before we go to bed and whilst in bed. We
can do this by addressing common things
that could prevent us from getting to sleep or
wake us up.
The Reticular Activating System

Practical points on how we can engage the activating system to our
advantage:
Preparing for sleep
Restful lead in – try to wind down for an hour or so before retiring.
Too much exercise before bed, physically or mentally, can keep you
awake.
Park your worries and any decision-making outside your head –
this is a lot easier said than done! So how could you do this? One
method is to write down your thoughts and concerns. When you have
done this, you need to remind your Chimp that you are now going to
sleep. It needs to know that these things will be addressed in the
morning and not before. Many people find this a useful practice.
Have a comfortable bed
Keep still – the activating system will be alerted if you keep changing
position when you are in bed and trying to get to sleep. However, if
you keep still, the mind loses the ability to appreciate where you are,
and this will aid entry into sleep.
Active dreaming – by this, I mean proactively thinking pleasant
dream-like thoughts when you get into bed, rather than staying with
reality.
Relaxation – people use various methods and, as always, only you can
work out what will work for you. Reading a book, a warm milky drink,
listening to a relaxation tape, a hot bath and a gentle walk before
retiring are all well recognised methods to aid sleep.
Total sensory deprivation

- Scientific points
If we deprive the brain of any form of outside stimulation, then we will enter into a deep
relaxed state. Experiments show that when we subject people to sensory deprivation over a
period of time, they can begin to hallucinate and experience anxiety. [400] [401] [402]
However, if we subject ourselves to sensory deprivation, as we are falling asleep, this will
help us to enter a state of relaxation, which will then aid sleep onset. Therefore, a silent
darkened room is a real help to inducing sleep. [403] [404] [405]
Practical points to prevent or manage broken sleep because of the

reticular activating system
Set the right temperature –being too hot or too cold in bed will cause
the alerting system to wake you up. During REM sleep our bodies
struggle to maintain a steady temperature. Therefore, if the temperature
in the bedroom or bed is not suitable, we are likely to wake up.
Eliminate sound – if you know you are a light sleeper try to sound-
proof your room as best you can or use ear plugs.
Relax if you do wake up during the night – when we wake during
the night, our Chimp is in full control. It is very likely that you will not
be able to keep perspective on anything that you think about. This
means worrying during the night could waste a lot of energy. The next
day, when we are back into Human mode, we usually realise how
unnecessary the worry was. Try to remind yourself that allowing your
Chimp to think during the night is a waste of time! Broken sleep won’t
make much difference to your overall sleep requirements.
Avoid heavy meals – or those that are more difficult to digest, such as
cheese-based snacks. Difficulty with digesting food can result in
restless sleep.
The tiredness system

- Scientific points
As we use energy in our body and mind, cells build up a product called adenosine. [406]
This build-up of adenosine affects our mind and causes us to become tired. It does this by
reducing the amount of a transmitter called acetylcholine in the anterior hypothalamus. This
decreases our wakefulness. The build up of adenosine then pushes us into the deep non-
dreaming sleep, in order to give us physical rest. During sleep, we clear this build-up of
adenosine and so become refreshed and awake again. As we sleep, and the adenosine is
removed, acetylcholine starts to build again, and this substance wakes us up. [407]
Practical points on how we can engage the tiredness system to our

advantage
Avoid Caffeine - if we block adenosine or promote more uptake of
acetylcholine then we are likely to become alert and awake. [408] [409]
This is exactly what caffeine does. Caffeine in coffee, tea or chocolate
blocks the action of adenosine and promotes the action of
acetylcholine, which keeps us awake. [410] Clearly, it’s not a good idea
to drink coffee before bed, even though a few people don’t seem to be
affected.
Regular hours – if we keep regular sleep hours then the adenosine
will not build up and we promote a sleep pattern that the adenosine
follows. However, what happens to adenosine if we deprive ourselves
of sleep and don’t keep regular hours? The adenosine builds more
receptors in our brain, so that over time we become chronically tired.
[411] [408]
Don’t engage emotions – if you keep trying to get to sleep you are
fighting this system. Counterintuitive as it might seem, don’t try to get
to sleep. The system will then relax and begin to put you to sleep.
A caution! – Using alcohol to get to sleep

Many people find having an alcoholic drink before bed helps them to sleep.
It’s not for me to judge, but rather to bring the facts to your attention. You
can then decide. Alcohol will relax you and it can aid sleep initially.
However, alcohol has three negative effects:
It stops REM sleep Alcohol stops REM sleep
It keeps us in the lighter stage of sleep
It can wake us up during the night
If we don’t get enough REM sleep then the
next night, the mind tries to catch up and
has more REM sleep. Catch-up REM sleep
usually presents with vivid dreams and
occasionally nightmares. The lack of depth
of sleep leads to us feeling non-refreshed
the next day.
The effects of the alcohol are short-lived
and generally cause us to wake during the
night and have disrupted sleep. [412]
Consequently, alcohol can become the cause of insomnia. There is also the
concern that for some, the use of alcohol can lead to a dependency problem.
What about our Chimp and sleep?

The Chimp experiences sleep very The Chimp takes over
differently to the Human. During sleep the during sleep
Human rests and recuperates, whereas the
Chimp becomes active and sorts itself out.
[386] [413] [414] The problem is that the
Chimp does not have very much influence
from the Human or Computer once we
begin sleeping. Some of the time during
sleep, there is a lot of communication
between the three systems, but this is more
like dialogue than a struggle for control.
When we put our heads down, the Chimp
can come to life!
There are two particular ways in which the

Chimp can cause us sleep problems:
The Chimp being unrealistic about sleep
The Chimp exercising during sleep
Being unrealistic
To expect consistent sleeping hours is completely unrealistic. Yet many
Chimps constantly expect to have a regular and reliable sleep pattern with
unbroken hours. This expectation then becomes the source of stress.
When we struggle to get to sleep, or we have broken or non-refreshing
sleep, then the Chimp becomes upset. Of course, having a poor sleep pattern
is unpleasant, and a poor night’s sleep might have some repercussions the
next day. However, allowing your Chimp to become distressed, angry or
anxious about not being able to sleep, won’t help. It merely adds to your
problems. Worrying about not sleeping is often a bigger problem than the
lack of sleep itself.
Therefore, some helpful facts might Poor sleep could distress the
settle the Chimp down: Chimp
Sleep disturbance is common
and natural, and most people
have disrupted sleep patterns at
some point in their life
Sleep patterns change and with
effort we can influence those
changes
Sleep varies and some nights
are better than others
We all sleep far more than we
think – try a sleep app to find
out!
Most people cope easily the next day, even with limited and poor sleep
from the night before
Allowing your Chimp to become emotional about sleep won’t help it
or you
Half of sleep is about resting – so just rest if you can’t sleep
The deep sleep will happen once you do fall asleep, and this is what is
needed; the hours are not as important
The Chimp exercises during sleep

The Chimp system comes to life during sleep. It uses sleep as an
opportunity to sort out its thoughts and emotions. [393] [414] It does this alone
much of the time, but also has periods when it engages with the Human.
The brain effectively holds discussions between the systems and gets things
in order. This helps the Chimp.
Having an active Chimp might be acceptable while we sleep, but the
problem is that the Chimp starts to wake up as the Human tries to go to
sleep.
This means that once we lie down the The Chimp thinks
Chimp can begin to flood our mind with all catastrophically during
of its concerns. It also means that if we the night
wake during the night it will be the Chimp
doing our thinking for us. These two
specific problems need specific plans to
manage them. It was mentioned earlier that
one way to settle the Chimp down before
sleep is to unwind the mind by writing
down any specific problems or decisions
that need to be made. This way we are
letting the Chimp know that these can be
put to one side for the night and will be
picked up the next day.
The Chimp could also worry about not
getting to sleep and the more it lies awake
the more intense the anxiety can become.
It is important to recognise that these racing or repetitive thoughts do not
belong to you, but to your Chimp. By distancing yourself from these
thoughts, the Chimp will be easier to settle and manage. This is especially
true if you wake in the night. By distancing yourself from your Chimp, you
might be able to accept that any thoughts during the night are likely to lack
perspective and be exaggerated. The Chimp’s thought processes will be
irrational, and conclusions are usually catastrophic in nature. It is no wonder
that when this happens to us, we feel terrible. The good news is that the
following day when we have woken up fully, we will definitely see things
differently.
It is worth programming your Computer to deal with the Chimp’s night-
time hijacks. If you wake in the night, the Computer will then remind your
Chimp that the unhelpful worries and catastrophic thoughts it offers are not
worth engaging with.
During the night, distance yourself from your Chimp’s
catastrophic thoughts
Keeping a sleep diary

If you do have some serious Spotting patterns of behaviour
problems with sleep, then keeping a
sleep dairy can help. It might
reassure you or help you to identify
what promotes a good night’s sleep
and what doesn’t. It can also help
you to spot patterns of behaviour
that could be modified. There are
lots of suggestions on the Internet
and many sleep therapists who could
help guide you through the problem. Disturbed sleep can be a sign of
illness. If you are not managing to improve your sleep then you ought to
seek help from your doctor.
Summary of what can help or hinder

sleep
The light/dark system
Ensure darkness for sleep
Use early morning light when you wake
Set the brain’s clock by keeping regular hours for sleep
Don’t cat nap if your night-time sleep is not good
The activating system

Getting to sleep:
Restful lead into sleep
Switch off electronic devices well before bedtime
Park your worries outside your head
Comfortable bed
Keep still
Active dreaming
Relaxation methods
Staying asleep:
Right temperature
Eliminate sound
Avoid heavy meals
Relax if you do wake up

Avoid caffeine for several hours before sleep
Keep regular hours
Don’t engage emotions – allow the system to work
Example: Bob and Sarah provoke their Chimps

Bob and Sarah are a couple who break the rules of sleep and then wonder
why they struggle with tiredness. Bob’s job involves making a lot of
decisions. He doesn’t wind down at night but often takes his problems to
bed with him. As he can’t sleep well, he has developed a habit of drinking
alcohol to relax himself. Sarah has lots of family problems and avoids issues
by ignoring them. This leaves her with a lot of unresolved matters and a lot
of inner conflict. She finds she can get to sleep quickly but soon wakes up.
During the early hours of the
morning, they both wake up and start Key Point
a conversation. Bob’s alcohol got
It doesn’t take a genius to
him to sleep but then wakes him a
find a simple solution, but
few hours later. Bob is still
it does take insight to
ruminating about his decisions and
recognise that one is
Sarah talks about why her family are
needed.
so dysfunctional. They are both in
Chimp mode because their Humans
are fast asleep, so the conversations are catastrophic in nature and never
reach any conclusion but focus on the problems.
This can be a useful reflection point for us all, when we are faced with any
problem.
Unit 21
Reminders
Recuperation is a proactive process
Brief and longer rest periods are best planned
Sleep can be improved by actively working on it
The Chimp is generally unrealistic about expectations of sleep
The Chimp exercises before and during sleep - this needs to be
recognised and managed
Programming the Computer and using lists can help manage the night-
time Chimp
Unit 21
Exercises
1. Recuperation
2. Advantages of time out and brief rest periods
3. Sleep review
Focus 1: Recuperation
Exercise: Giving advice
Sharon is an Executive Director of a large company. She works long hours,
from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., and twice a week she goes to the gym to keep fit. She
sets off for work at 7 a.m. and doesn’t get home until 7 p.m., after
commuting. When asked what she would like to improve on, she says:
It would be good to get a cup of coffee before 11.30 a.m. and to get a
lunch break but I am too busy
I need a magic energy pill most days because I get so tired
My tiredness makes me irritable and snappy with people, which I don’t
like
It would be good to have chance to reflect on my work rather than just
keep going
If Sharon gave lots of reasons why she couldn’t change her lifestyle, what
advice would you give her?
1. How much of your own advice might you need to take yourself?
2. Try the same exercise, of giving advice, for the example of Bob and
Sarah in this unit.
Focus 2: Advantages of time out and brief

rest periods
Exercise: Listing advantages
Take some time to list the advantages to yourself and others of you taking
time out during your day or of timetabling in brief rest periods.
Our Chimps must consult the Computer constantly throughout the day.
Therefore, by programming in the advantages of stopping for brief periods,
it is likely that the Chimp will agree and push you to implement this. As a
starter to help you to see possible personal advantages to temporarily and
briefly stopping your day, here are some thoughts:
It will help me to bring perspective back to my day
It will help me to refocus when I start again
It will help me to drop any stress levels that might be building
It will probably make me more tolerant towards others
It will give me chance to move into Human mode
Focus 3: Sleep review

The next exercise is applicable to those who struggle with sleep.
Exercise: Reviewing your sleeping
There are two parts to this focus point: The sleep diary and removing
thoughts.
Part 1 - The sleep diary: One way to check on sleep patterns is to complete
a sleep diary. This is to monitor your sleep and to check on the hours that
you are going to bed and rising, and the quality of sleep achieved. There are
many apps now that can be used to feedback on your sleep, but a simple
diary can also work well.
Sleep clinics will always try to establish patterns of sleep before jumping
in with methods to deal with particular problems. By checking our hours
and by finding potential reasons for poor sleep, we can often see where to
focus our energy to bring about change.
Please don’t forget that while you are monitoring your sleep patterns, one
of the main reasons people have poor quality of sleep is because they worry
about it. Accepting and working with your current pattern of sleep can
remove that worry.
Part 2 - Removing thoughts: One of the commonest complaints around not

being able to get to sleep is constant thoughts running through the mind.
Try writing down any thoughts and decisions that you want to remove
from your head before you go to sleep. Remind your Chimp at this point
that you will address these thoughts and decisions tomorrow but for tonight
they will be parked up. Be firm with the Chimp!
Thoughts that occur during the night can be managed by programming
your Computer. This programme needs to be practiced whilst you are
awake, if it is to be fully implemented as an Autopilot in your mind. The
programme could be:
1. On waking, immediately remind yourself that it is your Chimp that is
in charge at this point and any thinking will be lacking in perspective
and is likely to be ridiculously catastrophic
2. Remind the Chimp that you will discuss the concerns it has after you
have woken up in the morning and come around from sleep
3. Also, remind the Chimp that everything changes with time
4. Disengage any emotion that you are experiencing and decide what
emotion you would prefer to have
5. Distract yourself by deciding on something pleasant to focus on
Unit 22
Getting the best out of others
STAGE 7: addresses our interactions with others.
Unit 22: offers reflections, ideas and encouragement on how we
can understand, support and build relationships with others.
Begin with yourself

If you want to get the best out of someone, there are several points you could
consider. The most important is that you are in a good place yourself, before
you interact with them. [415] [416] [417]
It’s essential to meet your own needs and sort out your own emotions before
you try to help others. Otherwise, it is likely that you will bring your own
needs and feelings into any interaction. If your intention is to get the best out
of someone then it’s worth checking to see that this really is your agenda. That
way you will only act in their best interests.
Appreciating the mind of others

During early childhood, we naturally
develop the ability to work out what Key Point
others are thinking and how their mind The probability of having
is working. The ability to do this is successful relationships
called possessing a ‘theory of mind’. will rise significantly if you
[418] As children, we use this theory of
are in a good place
mind to work out people’s intentions yourself.
and to predict their behaviour. We
effectively get inside their head and see
the world from their standpoint.
Virtual embodiment
- Scientific points
The self-image we hold can influence the way we behave. Surprisingly, this is not all self-image
will do. An experiment involving 30 young men who were virtually embodied in the image of an
older body of Einstein showed two remarkable changes during the experiment. They showed
an increase in their thinking ability and they also decreased their bias towards older people.
[419]
We can appreciate that everyone has a Chimp and that it might be talking to us.
We can therefore look past their Chimp, to discover what their Human might
want to say, and also how their Human might want the situation to be handled.
[81] Most of us do not agree with the way that our Chimps handle many
situations.
Example: Stuart and his ten-year-old daughter
Stuart believes that children ought to
learn manners and not be rude or
answer back: a very reasonable belief.
He finds his daughter frequently
answers him back and this pushes
Stuart into Chimp mode. The Chimp
doesn’t usually operate with theory of
mind and think about what is going
on in someone else’s head; it just
reacts. If Stuart reacts to his
daughter’s Chimp then they both end
up in Chimp mode, which is unlikely to help.
If Stuart recognises his daughter is in
Chimp mode, then he can remain in Key Point
Human mode, use theory of mind, and
Appreciating the mind of
stop and ask, “what would my
others is accepting that
daughter’s Human say about her own
we all have Chimps and
behaviour?” Unless he has produced a
Gremlins that might be
psychopath, she will say that she would
hijacking us.
agree with him and that her Chimp is
hijacking her. She doesn’t know how to
manage her Chimp and she has no Computer programme to operate with, in
order to behave as she wants to behave. If Stuart can see this, he could help his
daughter to manage her Chimp and create an Autopilot for her to work with,
should her Chimp begin to react. Therefore, he could calm the situation down,
simply by asking if this is how she wants to be acting and how else would she
want to respond to him. He could offer some automatic comments for when
she becomes frustrated that would be acceptable to anyone she is interacting
with.
Helping the distressed person move

from Chimp to Human
Probably the commonest question that I get asked about helping others, is:
“How do I help someone to move out of Chimp mode and into Human
mode?”
In order to answer this in a practical way, we can turn to the neuroscience of
how the brain works. The Chimp system will always have control of the brain
if it feels there is a danger or something that needs addressing. [420] Therefore,
if the Chimp is not happy it will hold on to the power and run the brain.
When the brain is operating in Chimp mode there are some potential
drawbacks:
It finds it very hard to listen or take in information
It focuses on problems and not solutions
It loses perspective
Therefore, when a person is in Chimp mode, they will find it very difficult to
hold a productive conversation. They are likely to express emotion that is out
of context or over emphasised and tend to repeat expression of feelings and not
move forward.
From Chimp to Human: EUAR
There are some specific processes that can help someone to move out of
Chimp mode and into Human mode. What follows is a suggested blueprint for
managing someone’s distressed Chimp and fulfilling its needs. The first thing
to acknowledge is that the Chimp isn’t necessarily going to be rational or work
with logic. Therefore, while it remains distressed, offering solutions and
rationalising are likely to irritate it further.
A way forward to help the Chimp is to use ‘EUAR’:

Expression
Understanding
Acknowledgement
Recognition
Expression
Allowing someone to express their feelings, fears or beliefs is the starting
point to settling a Chimp down. The Chimp needs to exercise. This means
expressing emotion and feelings in order to be able to settle down and then be
able to listen or discuss things in a reasonable way. While the Chimp is
expressing its feelings, it’s important to listen carefully and not judge or
interrupt, otherwise the Chimp won’t feel like you are taking it seriously. [421]
[422]
Understanding
Understanding someone or seeing their point of view doesn’t necessarily mean
agreeing with them. As a general rule, the Chimp likes to know that someone
understands their experience, opinion or feelings. At this point, the Chimp isn’t
looking for comment, answers or solutions. It is looking for understanding. It’s
helpful to ask questions if you are not clear exactly what they are saying to
you, as this demonstrates that you do want to hear them.
Acknowledgment
Once we have understood someone’s situation and how they feel, we usually
feel some empathy. If you express an acknowledgement of what the person is
going through or experiencing, then this will further settle their Chimp.
Acknowledging suffering, distress or unfairness goes a long way to removing
many feelings such as frustration, anger or emotional pain. Our Chimps have a
need to know that someone understands their position.
Recognition
The final point for helping someone to settle their Chimp and move into
Human mode is to demonstrate a recognition of the attempts that they have
made to deal with their situation. Most people have tried to deal with a
situation and also with their own feelings, before we get to listen to them.
Giving someone recognition of what they have tried to do will help their
Chimp to settle, even if it is just to recognise that they have made the effort to
talk to you about the situation or problem.
Two potential pitfalls when using EUAR
I think it’s important to mention two potential pitfalls at this point.
The first potential pitfall is following the above steps of EUAR without any
feeling for the other person. In other words, just performing the steps without
compassion. If you don’t really care then don’t try this suggested blueprint
because this is a compassionate structured approach to help you to deal with
someone that you care about,
personally or professionally.
The second potential pitfall would be

to dive in with solutions, facts or
comments before the person is ready
to take them in. When our Chimps are
in a distressed state, they cannot
receive information but need to
express the feelings that are bottled
up inside them.
The Chimp is likely to settle down

and hand over to the Human, once it has:
Expressed its feelings
Been understood, by receiving
acknowledgement for what it
has, or is going through
Had recognition of how it is
trying to solve or manage the
situation
It is at this point that their Human is
able to listen and discuss things
rationally with you. Recognising
when the person has entered Human
mode and when the time is right for
facts, suggestions and advice, is a
skill in itself.
The Human takes over

Assuming that someone wants to enter Human mode and has now managed
this, here are some suggestions for helping them to address a difficult situation.
The facts
Begin by establishing the facts of whatever is distressing them. Often this
brings in some additional information that can help to start clarifying a way
forward. Also, look for truths rather than their impressions of what is
happening.
The solutions and a plan
Ask how important it is for them to find a solution to their problem. By asking
this question, it can help to focus someone’s mind away from the problem and
onto possible solutions. Encourage the person to talk through the possible
solutions. Try to avoid offering your idea of solutions unless they are stuck, as
this can be detrimental. If you do help with solution finding then remember
that your role is to act as the Human in the situation by bringing perspective,
reality and a set of values into the picture. Once possible solutions are offered,
a plan of action can be made to achieve them.
Moving from Chimp to Human
First help their Chimp: Then help their Human:

Expression Establish the facts
Understanding Search for the solutions
Acknowledgement Form a plan
Recognition
Helping people to see the difference

between their ‘wants’ and their ‘needs’
Our Chimp and Human have needs and wants. Sometimes, it is difficult for
someone to differentiate between what their Chimp needs and wants and what
their Human needs and wants. Computers don’t have a need or want, as they
are programmed with an agenda.
Example: The territorial dispute
Imagine an office situation where there are two people working. They have
distinct roles but often there is a grey area of who should do the work. Barney
has taken on some work that probably should have been taken by Chris. Chris
has just realised this and is about to confront Barney.
Dividing up the mind of Chris, we can see the three systems preparing to
engage. I will take typical stances but clearly these will vary depending on the
person involved.
The Chimp’s stance on ‘needs’ and ‘wants’
I have a need for a defined role and this represents my
territory. I believe my territory has been invaded and
therefore needs to be reclaimed. This is about winning. In the
Computer I have placed the underpinning belief that if my
territory is invaded then I am vulnerable and might be seen as
weak. Alternatively, the underpinning belief could be that
people who invade my territory are rude and need to be confronted. There
could be many alternative beliefs.
I want Barney to be reprimanded for this invasion and made to recognise his
wrongdoing and apologise.
The Human’s stance on ‘needs’ and ‘wants’
I have a need to feel fulfilled and to be respected. I will want
to check the facts of the situation and see if Barney has
realised he has over-stepped the mark. In the Computer I have
placed the underpinning belief that people make genuine
mistakes and it’s best to point them out tactfully and
supportively. He might or might not respond constructively,
or how I would like, but this isn’t about winning it’s about
solution finding.
I want to find a solution that helps both of us and prevents

this from happening again.
The Computer’s stance
The Computer relies on being programmed BEFORE the
event happens, otherwise, it will simply hand back to the
Chimp for a reaction. If it is programmed by the Chimp, and
not the Human, then the Computer will encourage the Chimp
and fuel its indignation.
So, when you start considering helping others to get the
best out of themselves, it’s worth looking at how to help them
to:
Manage their Chimp
Programme their Computer
Establish what their Human wants
If Chris can gain insight into how his mind is working, he can choose to go
with his Human or with his Chimp. He can also check how his Computer is
programmed to manage the situation and alter this, if it’s not what he wants.
Building a relationship with an

uncooperative person
Don’t lose your dignity! Please recall, that to get the best out of others, you
need to be in a good place yourself before going into any interaction.
In this section we will cover several points:
Thoughts you might have about someone
Judging or using your judgement
Accepting someone as they are
Developing compassion
Stopping your Chimp from being prodded
When someone lacks emotional skills
Thoughts you might have about someone

As you meet an uncooperative person, what thoughts have you got? When we
approach another person, we will have thoughts about them.
Fundamentally, our feelings usually follow our thoughts. If we focus on
good things, we feel good, and if we focus on negative things, then we feel
negative. We always have a choice about what we want to focus on and think
about, even though at times it might not be easy. Therefore, if you want to
have a constructive relationship with someone, it’s wise to see if you can have
some good thoughts about them, and focus on these. The question to ask
yourself is: how you are viewing this person? There is a big difference
between judging someone and using your judgement when assessing someone.
Judging or using your judgement

Example: Marie and her best friend in conflict
Marie had organised a trip with several friends. Her best friend, April, was
keen to go on the trip and helped with some of the organisation. Marie was
really excited about the trip until April called her the night before. April called
to apologise but said that her boyfriend was not in a good place and she
wanted to be with him the following day. Marie has got two choices:
Judge her friend
Use her judgement
Chimps tend to judge and Humans tend to use judgement.

If Marie’s Chimp is angry with her friend and judges her, she might say that
April was not a good friend and was lacking in her sense of commitment. In
doing this, Marie will generate emotions in her own Chimp that will likely
leave her feeling negative. It is also likely to sour the relationship.
If Marie’s Human uses her judgement, then she can see the dilemma that
April is in and also appreciates April didn’t intend to hurt Marie. Marie can
also see that it is not the end of the world. If she takes this approach, Marie
will retain perspective. Although she might be disappointed, her friendship is
likely to remain intact.
Using your judgement means operating in Human mode. For example,
seeing a person not as ‘difficult’ but as ‘reacting in an unhelpful way’ is more
constructive and not judging them. The person is probably in Chimp mode,
and they themselves might not agree with nor want what is happening.
Labelling people as ‘difficult’, ‘awkward’ or any other negative label isn’t very
helpful. Once you have negatively labelled someone, it is likely that you will
feel negatively towards them. The reality is, that some individuals do appear to
have an unhelpful approach to others, and to life in general, but often this is a
behaviour rather than a personality trait.
Accepting someone as they are
Example 1: The wayward daughter
I worked with a man who was struggling to build a relationship with his
daughter. The daughter was in her thirties and had a long history of dishonest
and devious behaviour. The father would keep on trying to help his daughter to
mend her ways. About every six weeks the father’s Chimp would get things off
its chest, only for the tension to rebuild again. He would become upset and
frustrated by his daughter’s actions. The problem lies with the fact that the
father’s Chimp had expectations that were reasonable but unrealistic. His
daughter is very likely to continue with these behaviours until she sees the
need for change. If the father can switch to Human mode, he can then accept
his daughter, as she presents, and be realistic about what is probably going to
occur and then plan how to manage this. If he does this, his upset and
frustration can be diminished or removed.
Example 2: The ‘challenging’ colleague
A professional businessman worked alongside a colleague, whom he found to
be very irritating. He believed that the colleague was lazy but clever enough to
get away with a shirking attitude towards work. Every time the man went to
work and saw the colleague, he would become agitated. The man felt an
injustice was happening. He wanted this colleague to change their ways or at
least be found out and suffer the consequences. Getting the man to accept that
this colleague would be highly unlikely to change, and also unlikely to be
found out, was a struggle. The result was that the colleague was fine, but the
man was not.
Clearly the man had options of confronting the colleague, reporting the
colleague’s work ethics to a line manager or focussing on his own work.
Some situations we can’t change, and most people don’t wish to change
themselves. Therefore, a starting point is to accept this reality and decide what
to do, after you have accepted the reality.
Example 3: The imperfect partner
Many relationships suffer because one of the partners doesn’t accept the other
as they are. Instead, they build up hopes or dreams of how that person will be,
which are unlikely to happen. Repeatedly demanding something from a partner
that they can’t or don’t want to offer isn’t helpful and won’t make you feel
good. We sometimes forget that relationships are built on accepting people as
they are and working with them, rather than imposing what we think they
should be like. Demanding change is not an option, it’s an imposition; but
deciding on whether you want to stay or leave is an option.
Developing compassion
Chimps can often turn negative
emotions into compassion by seeing Key Point
pain in others. If you take the time to Accepting someone, as
understand someone and their situation, they are, is the basis of a
it is likely that you will become more sound relationship.
compassionate towards them. This is
one of the foundations of team
building. A common experience, or an insight into the other person, can help
you to form a bond with them. [423] Compassion frequently develops when you
are able to see the world from someone else’s position. Encouraging your
Human to do this can help your Chimp to have emotions that are more
constructive.
Working with your Chimp can turn negative emotions into
compassion
Some commonplace scenarios

involving others
Stopping your Chimp from being prodded
The Computer in our minds frequently works by either linking items together
or by an item triggering a reaction or response in either Chimp or Human.
Forming links in the mind

- Scientific points
One area, where we see links taking place, is in the hippocampus of the brain. There are three
different cells that work together. One stores factual information (place cell), one stores a
sensory experience such as touch, smell or emotion (sensory cell), and the third cell
(conjunction cell) connects the first two cells, when an event occurs. Consider a friend who
grows roses. When we smell roses, we think of the friend’s house, and when we think of the
friend’s house, we often think of roses and sometimes appear to smell them.
This important principle of linking experiences and trigger points is used a lot by the brain
and utilised in psychological treatments.
How can we recognise links and
turn them to advantage in day-
to-day life?
The Computer links items together to trigger a reaction or

response.
Example: Claire and the trigger
Claire works with someone she finds difficult to get along with. Other people
also find this individual difficult to work with. The result is that conversations
often focus on the individual and these conversations then trigger negative
emotions in Claire. When Claire’s Computer hears the individual’s name being
mentioned it evokes a negative feeling. This then prods her Chimp into action.
If Claire recognises this trigger
point, then it’s not difficult to avoid it, Key Point
by being politely assertive and asking We can use trigger points
to change the topic of conversation. to advantage by knowing
What Claire can do is to link something how to link positive
constructive to the person whom she
actions to negative
finds it difficult to get along with. For
emotions.
example, whenever their name crops up
Claire can think of how she wants to
come across to others. This trigger point will then help her to avoid making
caustic comments or negative remarks about them. Alternatively, whenever
their name comes up Claire can think of how she could avoid any conflict and
also how she can get the best out of them. This link would help Claire to have
a constructive, if not pleasant, relationship with the person.
When someone lacks emotional skills
We all have different talents and gifts. Emotional skill is one of these. We can
all work on improving our emotional skills, but some people struggle to make
progress or lack the insight to see that there is a problem with their skill-base.
If you believe that someone’s emotional skill-base is poor, then why get
upset when they display this? Ask yourself are you working in Human or
Chimp mode? Are you accepting the reality of your belief or are you judging
and then expecting to see change? Accepting that some people will remain in
Chimp mode throughout their lives and not display any emotional skills is not
easy, but certainly easier than expecting them to change.
Common themes involving others

The next section will look at specific areas within relationships that can create
problems and how to solve them. These areas include:
Whose perspective: yours or theirs?
Speaker thinkers and thinker speakers
Imposing our needs onto others - Crossing boundaries
Trying to win against others
Empowering others
When a relationship isn’t working
Whose perspective: Yours or theirs?

Clashes with others in our life can often be avoided by seeing the world
through their eyes.
Whenever we search for facts and information, our Chimp is very selective
in what it chooses to see and hear. When it has gathered its own selected
‘facts’, it interprets them as best it can, but this inevitably has its own bias and
previous experience mixed into the interpretation. This means that the Chimp
can only ever have its own perspective on what is happening. Someone who
possesses emotional insights can grasp this and will therefore move into
Human mode and try to understand the perspective that others have on
situations. The natural working of the Human is to gather facts, and in order to
do this the Human listens first and sees another person’s perspective. This is
the essence of good teamwork.
We can programme our Computers to learn to switch from Chimp to Human
simply by constantly reminding ourselves to see things through another
person’s eyes. This gives a 3D perspective to life rather than the Chimp’s 2D
perspective.
The Card Game

The Chimp loves to play card games. The game is often subtle and has to be
recognised. The card game happens when someone expresses an opinion as if
it were a fact, imposes this ‘fact’ upon you and then expects you to respond. In
other words, they deal the pack of cards, have a look at what is in their hand
and then decide on the rules of the game: you effectively can’t win.
The solution is to recognise what has happened and take the cards back and
not engage with the game. Unless you do this, the relationship with the person
will become frustrating, especially if you can’t see what they are doing. Your
role can be to recognise what is happening and to disengage from the card
game. It will help the other person to see what they could be unintentionally
doing.
Example: Joanne and her therapist

Joanne has told her therapist that since she has lost her husband, she has
changed. She says: “I know that nothing in my life can be the same again and I
cannot ever be as happy”. The therapist cannot move. Joanne has given the
therapist an opinion but has presented it as a fact. If Joanne is unable to move
from this ‘fact’, then there is little the therapist can do, except to work with
this opinion and its consequences. Alternatively, what the therapist could do, is
to collect the ‘fact’ cards in and deal again with some truths that can be
worked with. The truths could suggest that with time, Joanne might find these
feelings change, but until then she will have to work with them. A different
approach could be that the therapist accepts Joanne’s opinion as fact and asks
how Joanne intends to work with this fact. Another route could be to ignore
the opinion and instead work through the grieving process of Joanne losing her
husband. This way the ‘facts’ might change as the process progresses. There
are various ways then that the card game can be played.
Example: Louise enters the card game
Louise has a poor memory for anniversaries and her husband has become upset
because she has forgotten their wedding anniversary. He confronts Louise with
the statement “You really have to sort this out. What are you going to do about
it?”. Louise now feels bad and doesn’t really have an answer. She has tried
with a calendar and a phone reminder but forgot to check both.
What her husband has done is given an opinion as a fact. He has dealt the
cards and called the rules. He has stated that Louise has a problem and that
Louise must sort it out. The reality is that Louise might not think she has a
problem; she merely has a poor memory. If she doesn’t feel it is that important
then there is nothing to sort out. What she could do is to collect the cards in
and disengage. Alternatively, she could offer her opinion on the situation. If
Louise wants to help her husband, then it would help to bring some insight into
what he is doing, so that he has a chance to change his approach.
Example: Duncan’s card game
Duncan has become exasperated by his teenage son, Peter, playing games on a
computer for hours at a time. Duncan eventually challenges his son and says,
“If you had any respect for me, you would limit the time for your games to an
hour a day”. Peter becomes frustrated by this remark and doesn’t know how to
respond. This is because Duncan has given an opinion as a fact and left his son
perplexed in how to respond. The reality is that Peter doesn’t agree with his
father. He feels that he gives respect towards his father and the time he spends
on his computer has nothing to do with respect. Duncan might hold this
opinion, but he is playing a card game with his son by stating his opinion and
expecting his son to accept the opinion as a fact. For Duncan to get the best out
of his son it would help to recognise what he is doing and to address his real
concern, which is about the time his son is spending on the Computer.
Speaker thinkers and thinker speakers
Sometimes our expectations of others are unrealistic because we don’t have all
the scientific facts. A good example of this is the way that we think and speak.
It seems that about half of us like to speak and think as we speak, whereas the
other half like to think before they speak. [427]
If this isn’t recognised, then the speaker thinkers tend to dominate meetings
with their ideas and opinions. The thinker speakers remain silent, or even
worse, they are pressed to give an idea or opinion before they have had chance
to think. By simply understanding how different people can operate, we can
allow for this and become more realistic in our working with them. Thinker
speakers tend to need a fair amount of time to do their thinking but will then
optimise their performance within teams or relationships.
When we operate in Chimp mode, we impose our beliefs and expectations,
without taking into account the facts. The Human will always search out facts
and then where necessary use these facts to modify our behaviour.
Imposing our needs onto others - Crossing boundaries
Sometimes, we don’t recognise that we are imposing our needs onto others.
The result is that we see a series of relationships going wrong, as this
imposition continues.
This is demonstrated when we cross professional boundaries and move into
an inappropriate personal relationship. Our need for security, a partner or a
friend overrides our professional and ethical stance.
Inappropriate relationship
Example: Perry’s confusion

Perry is a social man who enjoys the company of others. His Chimp has a need
for companionship but doesn’t recognise the difference between ‘personal’ and
‘personable’. He regularly ends up in affairs, which he regrets, because he
crosses boundaries in order to satisfy his Chimp. Being personable means
being approachable and friendly. Being personal means going beyond
personable and sharing feelings with a measure of intimacy. If Perry doesn’t
want to have affairs, then he needs to recognise that Chimps frequently try to
use others to satisfy their own needs, regardless of the consequences.
Example: Tina and her substitute mother
Tina’s Chimp constantly feels vulnerable and has learnt that finding a
substitute mother is one way to overcome this. This might be fine, provided
that person wants to be a substitute mother. However, if Tina imposes her need
for a mother onto someone who doesn’t want this, she is likely to damage that
relationship. It would be better if Tina looked at why her Chimp was insecure
and what other options there are to make it feel secure.
Trying to win against others
The Chimp typically relates to others by wanting to impress them and gain
approval. One way that it thinks it can do this, is to see any interaction as a
battle to win and demonstrate superiority or esteem. Any battles that are lost
are usually seen by the Chimp as failures, humiliation or weakness. The Chimp
therefore lives in a world of battles that are all about proving its self-esteem.
The Human typically doesn’t see battles but sees peace-making and
resolution during interactions. This means the Human generally thinks about
the other person before themselves. The Human mostly relies on values and
self-assessment for esteem and therefore doesn’t need to ‘win’.
Example: Audrey’s Chimp in action
Colleagues in her office perceive Audrey as being difficult and combative in
her approach to life. Sadly, Audrey is in the grip of her Chimp’s way of seeing
the world and others. Her Chimp won’t back down and rarely apologises. If
apologies do take place, then they are always linked to reasons why others or
circumstances have caused the situation. The only way forward for Audrey to
stop her Chimp’s behaviour is to move into Human mode by challenging the
Gremlins her Chimp has placed into her Computer. Gremlins, such as:
I must be seen to ‘win’ in all interactions
I need to demonstrate that I am strong
Being strong is shown by winning
I cannot display any fault or weakness
I can’t see interactions in any other way than win or lose
These Gremlins need replacing with Autopilots, such as:
My opinion of myself isn’t based on ‘winning’ but on values
If my Chimp wants strength, then being pleasant demonstrates strength
I will feel much better if I am not so defensive
The Human way of interacting is better than the Chimp for building
relationships
I have a choice in how I want to interact
How could you help Audrey?
If her behaviour is Chimp driven then what the Chimp is looking for is
approval and praise. By approving and praising the traits that you feel are
worthy, her Chimp can change and demonstrate the behaviours that you
approve of. If Audrey is willing to engage in a heart-to-heart conversation then
compassion and support, coupled with some insights, can make a big
difference.
Empowering others
Nobody likes to be disempowered: so why do we do this to people? Our
Chimp’s nature is to dominate and not to consider the effects on others. Our
Human will rationally accept that everyone likes to be empowered.
Empowerment doesn’t necessarily mean that we allow people to do exactly
what they like. It means that we have listened to and considered the opinion or
wishes of others. In other words, given them a voice. The opinions or wishes
then need to be discussed and managed. If we disempower people then we will
provoke their Chimps.
When a relationship isn’t working
Sometimes, when we are interacting or forming more in-depth relationships,
we have to accept that it won’t always work out. If we have common ground
or experience this can help our Chimps to bond with others. If we share similar
values, then this will help the Human to bond with others. If either Chimp or
Human become unhappy then the relationship is likely to be unproductive. We
have to learn to live with the other person’s Chimp, as well as their Human.
When things are not going to work out it’s probably best to see this as a
mismatch rather than a failure. The Chimp will see things in terms of success
and failure whereas the Human will see things in terms of experience and
learning.
Unit 22
Reminders
Getting yourself into a good place is the best basis for any relationship
Humans employ theory of mind; Chimps usually don’t
To help the Chimp we can use ‘EUAR’
The Human and Chimp have different needs and wants
Feelings usually follow thoughts
Accepting someone as they are is the basis of a sound relationship
We can use trigger points to advantage by knowing which ones make
us feel better and which ones to avoid
Unit 22
Exercises
1. Expectations of others
2. Assertiveness
3. Judging or using your judgement
4. The ideal…?
Focus 1: Expectations of others

Exercise: Reviewing expectations of others
Select a relationship: a parent, partner, friend or colleague and perform your
own reality check on your expectations of them.
Start with a list of their good points and traits. Then, if the person has
traits or behaviours that irritate or disturb you, list them and try to form a
plan of how you will manage your attitude and approach to each one of
these behaviours.
If their behaviours or attitudes cannot change or they are unwilling to
change then consider your own options. Whatever happens, try to be
constructive and remain in a good place. Remember, it is your change in
approach that will make the difference not your requests or demands that
they change.
Focus 2: Assertiveness
Lacking assertiveness in a relationship can lead to frustration on both sides.
Assertiveness has three simple steps to it. Let the person know:
1. What you don’t want them to do
2. How the person’s actions are making you feel
3. What you do want them to do
For example, if someone were raising their voice to you, then to be
assertive would be to say:
1. That you do not want them to raise their voice to you
2. It is making you feel uncomfortable
3. You would like them to speak in a quieter non-aggressive way
Exercise: Being assertive

Try to recognise throughout the day, any times when you experience
uncomfortable feelings, and ask if being assertive would help.
Practicing assertiveness when you are alone, and speaking the words that
you want to say out aloud, can help to put it into practice when the occasion
arises.
Focus 3: Judging or using your judgement

Exercise: Moving from the judging Chimp into Human using judgment
The next few occasions when you recognise your Chimp is judging
someone, try to move into Human mode by using your judgement. To do
this, you will need to remove your feelings and consider the situation as an
onlooker. Try to see why a person might be acting the way they are and to
consider if they are in Chimp mode and might regret their behaviour, with
time.
If you can do this, try to assess the difference it makes to your own
emotions and hopefully you will find yourself in a better place. Using your
judgement doesn’t mean excusing unacceptable behaviour, it just means
approaching it in Human mode and with understanding.
Focus 4: The ideal….?

This focus point is to consider what we think of as being the ideal person in
a given relationship. Having worked a lot with teenagers, its often very
sobering for them to consider what the ideal teenager would be like if they
were the parent. This often stops them in their tracks, as they compare this
ideal to the reality of what they are really like.
Exercise: The ideal….
In our lives we take on many different roles: parent, sibling, friend,
colleague, daughter, son, partner, line manager and you could add many
more. Write down some significant roles that you play within your life. Try
to define your idea of the ideal person, who would fit that role and then
compare yourself to see how you are doing. It can be quite sobering and
provoke changes to your thinking and behaviour that will reap rewards
within your relationship.
Sometimes it helps to ask the other person how they would like you to
be.
Unit 23
A basis for relationships
Unit 23: will look at the way the Chimp and Human enter
relationships. They have a very significantly different basis. We
will consider the relationship we have with a parent as an
example.
The relationship we have with our

parents
Not everyone has a problematic We both need to consider how
relationship with their parents, but we view important relationships
many do. Several of the principles
that we will consider apply to all
relationships, so even if you have a
great relationship with your parents,
there will be aspects that you might
find useful.
Why do problems commonly
occur with parents?
Our childhood years and the basis of the problem

Throughout this unit I will use the term ‘parent’ to represent any significant
adult who is acting in this capacity.
Here is the problem: we are in Chimp mode during early childhood most
of the time and our Human is poorly developed. [428] [429] [430] [431] When
we are very young, we are genetically pre-programmed to look to our
parents for security. [432] [170] [171] [172] Relying on our parents is clearly a
critical in-built survival drive that compels us to turn to them for help.
When we turn to our parents, our Chimp necessarily has to perceive them
with an unwavering belief that they are all knowing, invincible, completely
dedicated to us and perfect. This belief makes our Chimp feel secure. [300]
Therefore, what we have is a young child, led by their Chimp, believing
that their parents are perfect and that this perfect relationship is the normal
situation. Therefore, the child’s Chimp expects their parents to demonstrate
this every day all day.
Many young children idolise their parents and can be heard boasting
about how good they are and what they can do. Along with these beliefs,
we have the expectation that our parents will protect us and do what is best
for us. There might be variances on this theme, individually, but most
people experience this unrealistic scenario. It is helpful for a child’s
survival to see their parents as perfect and it is built into our genes to do
this.
As we grow older and become more aware, The childhood myth

we start to have experiences where the
above just doesn’t seem to ring true. Our
parents appear not to be superman or
superwoman. We continue to compare our
parents to the expected mythical ideal
parent and sadly they fall short. We might
now become judgemental towards our
parents, as in our eyes, they have not lived
up to the parents that they should have
been. They are not all knowing, they are not
always right, they do not always protect us,
they sometimes put themselves first and at
times they seem to be unpleasant!
So far in this dialogue, what we have done is to see the world through the
Chimp’s eyes. It’s a world that it must create in our early years, in order to
get us through them safely. However, it’s not useful to enter adulthood still
holding on to this Chimp’s view of our parents.
If we now shift to Human mode, we can see a very different picture. As
we shift from Chimp to Human, we will be able to see things rationally and
with perspective and the reality of the way it is.
Childhood reality dawns
Our adult years

Our parents might or might not have
opted to be parents. Either way, Key Point
parenthood is placed upon them and It helps to see our parents
there are usually no lessons as people with their own
beforehand. They are still human
struggles and not as
beings trying to cope with life
people who should be
themselves. They have their own
super beings.
internal struggles and now they have
the additional responsibilities of
parenthood. Most parents make an effort to be the best parent that they can
be, but even in their own eyes, they often fall short. If we don’t accept that
this is the way it is, but we hold on to the mythical parent-figure that our
Chimps expect, it will inevitably evoke negative emotions within us. We
either direct these negative emotions and unrealistic expectations at our
parents or we torment ourselves with them. Often we do both.
As you can imagine, our Chimps tend to do this with every relationship
we have. [301] They impose what ‘should be’ and then become upset when
they meet reality. On the other hand, our Humans accept reality and work
with what people can offer us within relationships.
Dealing with past experiences
How do we deal with any negative past experiences with our parents,
partner or friend?
It’s helpful to follow the same procedure that we have previously been
using – three steps.
Step 1: Exercising the Chimp
First allow yourself to express any emotions
you have from any negative experiences.
Find a willing listener but not your parents
if it’s about them! Don’t hold back because
you are just expressing what the Chimp
might feel, and you might or might not
agree with your Chimp. The exercise is to
get the emotions and thinking out, no matter
how irrational, depressing or hostile these
emotions or thoughts might be. It’s helpful
to go through specific experiences that might support the Chimp’s feelings.
However, this is only the first step to moving on and not one that is helpful
if it is done without steps two and three. If you just vent your feelings, with
examples, it might make the situation worse because all you are doing is
becoming frustrated or angry and not doing anything about it.
Step 2: Identifying and addressing each concern
Form a list of all your grievances
and specific examples, rather than Key Point
just keep jumping from one to
You must follow through
another. Some people tell me that
with steps two and three
their list is too long! If so, form
to effect change.
specific areas with titles that your
examples can go under, that way you
only need to list a few examples. Here is an illustration of what I mean:
The list
They never encouraged me
I just got criticised all the time
They broke their promises
They put other people before me
They put themselves first
They belittled me
They were cruel to me
They abused me
They neglected me
They wrongly punished me
I just didn’t feel loved
I didn’t feel I got the amount of attention I needed
It is very important to do this
exercise properly. In order to process Key Point
our emotions, we almost always Remember you are not
need to express them first. [433] [434] trying to correct your
It is sometimes necessary to repeat parents; you are trying to
the exercise because our Chimps like understand them.
to make sure that they have been
given permission to keep going until
they are ready to move on. You can see that step 2 (forming a list) and step
1 (expressing emotion) are merged together in this example. We are
exercising our Chimp, but at the same time identifying specific problems
and then exercising again.
Now, having identified the problems, we need to find some answers. The
situation with parents does not lend itself easily to having specific answers
for specific grievances because part
or most of the problem is within us.
This is because we are not accepting
that it is our interpretation and the
way that we are dealing with the
situation, which is causing us a
problem. So let’s look at some
examples of home truths that could
be used.
Home truths
Parents have Chimps too: this means they will be hijacked and at
times act unhelpfully. This doesn’t give them an excuse but it does
help us to understand that they might not even agree with how they
have behaved. If you continue to judge them, then expect more grief. It
is no different to not forgiving yourself for something you have done,
that you might now regret. It is damaging and very unhelpful.
Seeing the world through your parent’s eyes: it can help to try and
imagine being your own parent and trying to appreciate what they
might have been going through, while trying to raise you. Seeing the
world through somebody else’s eyes and with their perspective might
help you to understand them.
Understanding and approval are different: just because you can see
things differently with understanding doesn’t mean that you approve of
what happened or that you can now see it as acceptable. It merely
means that you understand what happened. In cases of neglect there is
reason to feel hurt, but I assume that people want to move on from this
position.
Parents can struggle to manage: some parents have very little
parenting skills and try to compensate in destructive ways. For
example, if they become stressed by not being able to deal with a
situation, they can act inappropriately. Worry or inability to manage a
child or adolescent can be converted into shouting and unacceptable
behaviour from the parent.
Values can be an issue: some parents have very different values to
their children. Your parents might have very different values to you.
Having to accept this situation is not always easy but we have little
choice. By recognising and accepting that this is the case, we can
begin to understand and manage to find a way forward.
Most parents have tried: try to get a balance and see when and what
they did provide for you. Recognise when they clearly made an effort
to please you. If possible, form a list of when you can appreciate that
your parents did put you first.
Accept that some parents might appear as not particularly nice
people: there could be a myriad of reasons why they are coming
across like this. They might be damaged from their own past. They
might be holding their own grievances. They might be feeling
vulnerable and unwanted themselves, or of course they might just be
unpleasant. For whatever reason they are acting in an unpleasant way,
it doesn’t help to keep judging them.
Try seeing your parents as fellow adults who are just as frail as
everyone else: most adults struggle at times with life and
responsibilities. Our parents will certainly have flaws and struggles of
their own. If we can adjust and see our parents as people in their own
right, then we can relate to them more appropriately when we become
adults. It also means we are less harsh on ourselves as adults.
Parents are parented: Don’t forget that your parents have their own
experience of being parented and this might be influencing how they
are interacting with you.
When you have formed a list that identifies the areas or experiences that
you want to address, try to match them up with the statements above. It
helps to have some understanding and compassion from either someone
who is a willing listener or by showing yourself some kindness.
We have to accept that some parents do neglect or abuse their children
and compassionate understanding would be appropriate. To emphasise
again, what we are not doing is condoning or justifying any form of neglect
or abuse. These are terrible circumstances. What we are doing is trying to
understand why they might have happened. By understanding what
happened, we have the first step for moving forward from the experiences.
Step 3. The plan
Before you begin, it is important
that you understand what you are
going to do. You are going to revisit
all of your experiences and look at
them in a different way; otherwise
nothing will change within you. You
can’t change what has happened but
you can change the way you see it
and deal with it. Effectively we are
going to see parents through the
eyes of a Human and not a Chimp.
We will bring some truths into the A difference in approach
picture about parents.
It might take a few attempts to go

over some of the items on your list Key Point
and to see them from your Human’s Forming a plan for going
viewpoint and not your Chimp. You forward will mean making
will need to decide when you think a decision to change your
you are ready to move on and accept stance.
things or when you feel you need to
be a bit firmer with yourself and get
over what can’t be changed and then move on.
If you can accept the differences that

you might have with your parent, Key Point
you can then determine what you Decide what you want the
want now. Try not to fall back into relationship with your
an unrealistic stance with parents to be like now;
expectations that are unlikely to check that you are being
happen. Also, try not to fall into the realistic!
trap of believing that they will
suddenly change. Try to work with ‘what is’ rather than ‘what could be’;
hopefully as you change your stance with them, they might change their
stance with you.
Sometimes finding a ‘substitute’ parent So where do we go from
can work very well for some people who here?
still feel the need for a parent figure in their
lives. The word ‘parent’ could mean
biological or it could mean something quite
different. Some people accept that a parent
is someone who fulfils a loving and caring
role towards them, irrespective of age or
bloodlines. Common sense warns you that
it would be unwise to impose being a parent
onto someone who does not wish to be a
‘parent’. Be careful!
O
ften Key Point
prob
At some point in life, we
lems
have to grow up, take
arise
responsibility and behave
not
like an adult!
from
the
past but in the present because we have not moved on fully into an adult
life. Adults usually find a partner or friends that supplement or take over the
parenting needs that we have. [301] [302] [435] However, having a parent
figure around can be reassuring; go with what works for you.
Deceased or absent parents and grievances
Occasionally a parent has died or is absent and their child has been left with
some conflict or grievance with the deceased or absent parent. This
situation can cause grief and a feeling of unfinished business or a need for
resolution. Many therapists have helped countless people to come to terms
with this situation and to find resolution. One of the main methods used is
to write a letter to the deceased or absent parent explaining what your
feelings are. By doing this we can often process the situation and it can be
resolved. [436] [247]
Finally, if you are still struggling with any aspect of your relationship with a
parent then seek out suitable professional help.
Unit 23
Reminders
In childhood our Chimp has an unrealistic view and expectation of a
parent
The Chimp can carry this unrealistic view and expectation through into
our adult life unless we intervene
Changing to a Human perspective on any relationship removes
unrealistic views and expectations
Unit 23
Exercises
1. Seeing relationships from two standpoints
2. Giving advice
Focus 1: Seeing relationships from two

standpoints
It can be useful to view your relationship with a parent, or anyone else,
from the Chimp’s and then the Human’s standpoint. The Chimp’s
standpoint will be an expectation of virtual perfection. The Human’s
standpoint will be to accept the reality of how people are.
Exercise: Two standpoints
Choose a couple of people in your life and see if you can work out the two
different standpoints that your Human and your Chimp have. The purpose
of the exercise is to recognise when your Chimp might be hijacking you
into seeing their unrealistic and usually perfectionist standpoint. If you
allow this to happen it can be damaging to the relationship.
Focus 2: Giving advice

Imagine Leroy is a friend of yours and he has come to you with the
following problem. He says he feels that his father has never shown an
interest in him, having walked out on his mother when Leroy was just two
years old. Leroy is now 25 and has just become a father. He is in a steady
relationship and delighted at becoming a Dad. However, his own father has
now got in touch saying that he wants to be part of his grandson’s life.
Exercise: Managing the situation
If you wanted to help Leroy to sort this out in his mind, how could you take
this forward, without offering an opinion, but allowing Leroy to have a
structured approach to getting beyond the problem?
Unit 24
A basis for relationships
Unit 24: considers the foundations for forming and maintaining
successful relationships. If we wish to strengthen relationships,
it can take quite a bit of reflection and some practical work. This
unit offers ideas and suggestions for you.
The foundations for successful

relationships
If we now look at adult-to-adult relationships, what are the principles in the
previous unit about the parent-to-child relationship that still apply?
First, and most importantly, the Human and Chimp approach to
relationships is very different.
Differences between the Human and the Chimp when someone
approaches a relationship
Expectations of who they are Acceptance and understanding

Expectations of what they of them as they are and of who
should deliver they are – no comparison
Dependency Realistic expectation of what
Self-serving bias they can deliver
Constant wariness Mutual benefits to both
Conditional support Acceptance of faults and
failures
Trust
Unconditional support
Our Chimps are by nature quite needy. Therefore, many of the Chimp’s traits
can be brought into a relationship without us recognising this is happening.
Sometimes it is quite clear and this is demonstrated in very dysfunctional
relationships. For example, when someone is very insecure and constantly
checks to see where their partner is, what they are doing and who they are
speaking to. Most of us are not so insecure but can still subtly bring our
Chimp’s fears or needs into a relationship and these subtleties can be
detrimental. With this in mind, we will look at the severe end of the Chimp’s
spectrum and then consider how this could still be seen in a milder form within
our own relationships. The examples will all demonstrate the milder
presentations of the Chimp.
Expectations
Just as our Chimps defined the perfect parent in the last unit, they will also
define what a perfect friend, partner or colleague should be like, and then use
this as a standard. Nobody can live up to these unrealistic standards. There is
little attempt by the Chimp to understand someone as a person or to allow for
differences. The Human approaches someone by accepting them as they are
and tries to understand them and their behaviours.
Example: Joyce and her moody partner
Joyce loves Harry but finds it difficult to tolerate the days he becomes moody.
Joyce decides
Nobody should have to put up It would help to find the cause

with someone else’s moods of the moods and address this
I didn’t enter a relationship to If he can’t manage his moods,
have to tip toe around a partner then we need a plan for those
He needs to deal with his days
problem Talking through feelings can
often help, so I will let him
express them
I am sure that you can think of many other possible comments. These example
comments are there for you to recognise the difference between the Chimp’s
approach and the Human’s approach. The Chimp is problem centred and
reactive; the Human is accepting but solution focussed.
Dependency
Our Chimps will often transfer dependency from the parent or peer group onto
the person they meet. This can then lead to a belief that this friend or partner is
responsible for looking after them in some way, such as being responsible for
their happiness or security. The Chimp will often expect that a friend or
partner will be available to them on request. The Human is independent but
welcomes the company of others, often forming a mutually beneficial
relationship that is supportive.
Example: Daniel’s insecurity
Daniel has been through a number of relationships and for various reasons
they have not worked out. His Chimp is now insecure and is trying to deal
with this. He has formed a new relationship with Kevin. Kevin is easy going
and supportive but he is finding Daniel’s clinginess difficult to deal with.
Daniel’s Choice
When I’m not with Kevin I I can be happy when I am alone

cannot cope and need to know and in my own company, I need
when he will be back to work on being more
I constantly focus on things I independent
am doing wrong that will cause It’s important to be myself if
this relationship to end this relationship is going to
I keep calling him to be work
reassured that he still feels It’s great to be in a relationship
something for me with someone, but the
relationship I hold with myself
is as important
Again, the Chimp has focussed on problems and fears with reactive measures,
whereas the Human is focussed on building foundations and forming plans for
emotional stability.
Self-serving bias
The Chimp will not tolerate errors, flaws or mistakes in others and often not in
itself.
In order to prevent self-criticism, it’s not unusual for our Chimps to justify
our mistakes and criticise the same mistakes made by others; this is known as
a self-serving bias.
Self-serving bias
- Scientific points
When teaching this concept to medical students, I used a simple scenario of a car accident. I
asked six students to leave the group, so that they did not know what we were looking for.
Three then entered the room. The first three were told that there was a traffic queue and they
were stuck in their car in that queue. A car came from behind, overtook the queue, skidded and
finally crashed into a wall. They were then asked, “Why do you think the driver crashed?” Their
answers were always along the lines of “They were driving too fast” or “They were not paying
attention”.
The next three students were then brought into the room. This time, the scenario was that
you were driving along the road and came upon a queue of traffic. You skidded, overtook the
queue and crashed into a wall. They were then asked, “Why do you think you crashed?” Their
answers were always along the lines of, “I must have had a brake failure” or “There might have
been oil on the road”.
It’s not unusual, when we are in Chimp mode, to be self-serving and condemn others but
justify our own actions.
When I discussed the results of the experiment with the students, and they moved into
Human mode, they were far more objective and were able to correct self-serving bias.
One way, to avoid self-serving bias, is to always put yourself into someone else’s position
and think of reasons why you might have acted in the way that they did, before you make a
judgement call. [437] [438]
Self-serving bias can damage relationships. The Chimp’s lack of tolerance

with errors or mistakes is often more pronounced in friendships or partners
compared to strangers. Our Chimps ask so much more of those close to us. If
we find our Chimps are being unreasonable and unforgiving to those we are
close to, then it can be easy to move into Human mode by asking yourself the
question, “If I had made this error, how would I like my partner or friend to
help me through it?”. This can remove self-serving bias and also give us a way
forward.
Constant wariness
The nature of the Chimp is one of vulnerability with accompanying wariness.
In order to make it feel secure the Chimp might put demands on friends or
partners. Alongside this, the Chimp might also demonstrate a lack of trust by
constantly checking motives. The Human recognises that all relationships have
to be based on trust because we can never know, for example, where our
partners are all of the time, or what our friends might be thinking. The
Chimp’s lack of trust often leads to checking behaviour and the destruction of
the relationship. If we move into Human mode, then we can put trust in people
and not allow ourselves to jump to conclusions. We can recognise that feeling
secure is something we need to build internally for ourselves. Creating and
living by your Stone of Life is the foundation for this stability.
Example: Gerry and his colleagues
Gerry is the foreman on a building site. He constantly checks to see if all the
men are working and challenges anyone who he thinks might be slacking.
Gerry’s assessment choice
I need to check because I don’t If I encourage and trust people,

trust them to be honest and they are more likely to work
hard working hard and be honest in return
People have to prove Most people can be trusted and
themselves before they can be the few who can’t will show
trusted their true nature in time
People always try to get one The basis of any constructive
over on you relationship is trust
Clearly, there needs to be a balance between naive trust and constructive trust.
Pause and think of the consequences to the work output and the general mood
on the building site of employing either the Chimp’s approach or the Human’s
approach.
Conditional support
The Chimp typically likes to check on who is putting the most into a
relationship. It thinks in terms of, ‘Who owes who?’ If the Chimp has done
something for someone then it feels that they now owe a favour back. Any acts
of kindness by the Chimp are frequently attached to conditions or expectations
of a return. When we are in Human mode, we accept that when we do
something pleasant for someone, then the reward is our feeling good about it;
there are no strings attached. In Human mode we give unconditionally.
Example: Ty and the loan
Ginny has fallen behind with her rent but is due some money in a few months
time. Ty, a friend of hers, has offered to lend her the money for her rent. After
a few weeks have passed, Ginny receives her money and pays Ty back. Here is
how the Chimp and Human would typically view this:
Ty and his stance on giving
You owe me for when I helped It was my choice to lend you

you out the money, therefore you owe
If I need any type of help you me nothing
should give me that help I did this to help you, not for
You need to remember and be any other reason
indebted to me forever Relationships are not about
measuring who gives the most
What I am hoping to do, by giving these examples, is to promote you to think

about your own relationships and how you could improve them and feel better
about yourself. You might not agree with a lot of the statements given; that is
not a concern. My concern is that I promote us all to reflect on whether we are
allowing our Chimps to quietly hijack us without us realising it. Please
consider your own Human and Chimp responses and reactions, and reflect on
your own answers.
Building and maintaining

relationships
Any relationship, whether professional or personal, is healthy if it builds us up.
Check on whether you are being built up and also if you are building up the
other person in the relationship. ‘Building up’ can mean improving in areas
such as:
Better self-confidence
Better self-esteem
Feeling more secure
Feeling appreciated
Feeling understood
Feeling a sense of belonging
If we step back from this list, we can see that most of the items are about how
we feel. In other words, the person is calming our Chimp down and bringing
the best out of us.
A danger can occur when our Chimp is fooled. For example, by someone
who settles the Chimp using superficial flattery or gifts, which are given to
make the giver more popular with the recipient, rather than given to please
them.
It isn’t just the Chimp that can be built up. Our Humans are built up with
many of the same things that build up our Chimps. However, our Humans are
specifically strengthened by sharing values and with caring, selfless,
constructive behaviours. Being selfless and putting the other person first in any
interaction is a clear way to improve any relationship. Being a doormat, and
trying to please someone by always putting them first, isn’t helpful! It’s a fine
balance but one worth giving some time to think about, if you wish to build a
sound relationship with someone.
How do we work practically to
build and maintain a
relationship?
Stating the obvious: most relationships manage to develop regardless of any
effort put into them. However, if we put effort into a relationship then it stands
to reason that if that effort is effective, we will develop and maintain good
friendships and intimate relationships.
So, exactly what do we do to be effective? One way of clarifying what we
need to do, is to ask ourselves what we would like from a partner of friend,
and then to see if this is what we are offering others.
The list of what we might want, would probably include some of the
following.
Someone who:
Listens to us
Takes a genuine interest in how we feel
Understands us
Puts our interests first
Encourages us
Is warm and approachable at all times
Doesn’t take offence at our mistakes
Is trying to make us happy
Knows what we like and makes this happen
Matching expectations of others against self
The one in five rule

A caution when trying to form personal or professional relationships:
Four out of five people are on our side and wanting to befriend us
One of those will be very supportive of us at all times
There are a lot of people who are reasonable, have morals and are
generally pleasant individuals
However, the reality is that one in five people won’t be pleasant, won’t be
reasonable and will criticise us, whoever we are and whatever we do
There is therefore no point in taking their criticisms and comments seriously.
There are a lot of them out there and they are by nature or choice unpleasant,
especially on social media. Their comments and actions merely reflect an
unpleasant and often cowardly attitude.
The one in five rule
Much of my work involves supporting

people, who are being criticised, Key Point
usually unfairly, by unpleasant people. There are some
The answer is always the same; we
unpleasant people, who
cannot stop those one in five people
you will never please –
from being unpleasant, caustic and
don’t hand them your
unkind. We can, however, choose to time, energy or happiness.
ignore them and listen to our Troop and
other reasonable people. Even better,
we can rely on ourselves to gain strength.
Dealing with past relationships

Sadly, some personal relationships don’t work out and can leave us feeling
upset. Initially the end of a relationship can devastate us as our Chimps feel
that the end of the world has come. Our Humans, on the other hand, know that
life will go on and it is likely that another relationship will develop in the
future.
How do we manage to look back on a relationship, that meant so much to
us, but has come to an end? We have previously looked at how we are likely to
go through a grief reaction but what happens once we have gone through the
grief? Is it really just ghost emotions we are experiencing? We have previously
covered the idea of ghost emotions returning to remind us of what we once
suffered, but what about the rational thoughts that appear?
For example, ‘What if I had been different?’ or ‘I really believe this was the
right person for me’, or ‘We had a great relationship and now I feel I have
failed because it’s gone’.
One way to come to terms with these thoughts can be to put a relationship
into time context. All relationships have a time period where they operate.
Some of these times are short and some long but most are time limited. If we
can move into Human mode, and remove the emotions that we are
experiencing, then we can accept that when we were in a relationship, we did
what we did and we were as we were, and these are fixed in time. Of course,
things could have been different but they weren’t. We can only change the way
we act in the future.
Similarly, every relationship changes on a day-by-day basis. Sometimes the
relationship changes and doesn’t work anymore. It is helpful not to see this as
a failure but rather as a natural change. Learning to recognise that a
relationship has run its course, and knowing when to move on, is a success.
Whatever time period the relationship ran for, it was a success for that period.
Relationships are only seen as being a failure if we allow the relationship to go
on too long, instead of letting go and celebrating the success we had for that
time the relationship did work. Of course, it’s always good to try and revitalise
a failing relationship. The difficult part is recognising when to stop.
Losing relationships that meant a lot to us, will mean we need time for
grieving. We will also need plans to manage ghost emotions and a
rationalisation of our beliefs in order to move forward.
Unit 24
Reminders
The Chimp and Human have very different approaches to relationships
The Chimp can have unrealistic expectations of others
The Chimp can form an unhelpful dependency on others
Building relationships is a skill that we can acquire
The one in five rule can help us to come to terms with an unreasonable
person
Unit 24
Exercises
1. Removing any self-serving bias
2. What are you offering others?
3. The one in five rule
4. The emotional criminal
Focus 1: Removing any self-serving bias

It is always very easy for us to justify to ourselves any actions we take,
even if they are not correct. In our minds, we appreciate all of the possible
influences that led us to make an error or a poor judgement call. For
example, if we have just had upsetting news or if we are feeling unwell,
then we understand why we might have acted out of turn or out of character.
We then usually put our error into context and although we might feel
unhappy with our actions, we feel at ease that they made sense to us. When
someone else makes an error or acts under the influence of their Chimp, we
need to have a plan if we don’t want this to spoil our relationship with them.
One way to increase our emotional skills and to build our relationships, is to
ask ourselves the question:
“If I had made this error, how would I like my partner or friend to help
me through it?”
The answer might be that I want them to:

Understand the influences on me at that time
Stand by me
Allow me to express how I feel
Help me to get over it
Exercise: What would you want your friend or colleague to do?

Draw up a list of points that you would like someone to follow when you
have made a mistake or acted out of turn.
Imagine that you are now in their place and practice these points with
someone who has made a similar mistake. By practicing, your Computer
will have a chance to take over when the situation arises.
Focus 2: What are you offering others?

Relationships are a two-way street. The most productive relationships are
also built on an unconditional giving to others. One way to improve
relationships is to work on yourself and see your reward as being the best
friend or partner that you can be and being proud of this.
Exercise: What you would like from others
Draw up a list of the features that you would want a partner or friend to
display towards you. It would be helpful to also add in things such as, their
general outlook on life, their sense of humour, their reliability and stability
of mood. Then check on whether you are offering these yourself. If you are
not doing this, then form plans to turn this around. Address the things that
are stopping you from being the ideal friend or partner that you would
clearly want to be. Please remember, the reason you are unlikely to be
presenting to the world the person that you want to be, is because there is
interference from the Chimp and Computer. The work is about managing
the Chimp and tidying up the Computer.
Focus 3: The one in five rule

We have already covered the need for a Troop and how to use this to gain
strength. The one in five rule strongly supports this. If we can gain the skill
of dismissing those unkind people’s comments and seeing them for what
they are, then emotional stability can be achieved. I cannot emphasise
enough that for every unkind person, there are many more kind people who
would willingly help us. Many of us watch terrible emotional attacks on
others and would willingly help the person, if they reached out. We are
never alone. Support for anyone is out there if they reach out. There are a
lot of people with kind and big hearts only too willing to help.
Exercise: Recognising and dealing with the one in five person
If we first accept that we will meet many people who don’t like us, then it
won’t come as a surprise when we meet them. If they choose to be unkind
or are unpleasant towards you, then try to recognise they fall into the one in
five category. Most of them are like it with all of us – it isn’t you!
Ask yourself how much time you want to spend trying to please those
who are never going to be pleased or listening, and giving any importance
to what they have to say about you. Then consider how much time you want
to spend pleasing those who love you, and listening and giving time to what
they have to say about you. In Human mode, we all have a choice on the
importance we place on things; in Chimp mode, we don’t!
Have a plan to deal with an unpleasant person when the situation arises.
The plan could include:
Recognising a one in five person
Dismissing their opinions or actions by looking to the opinions of my
Troop
Reinforcing that you are not alone and reaching out for help
Talk through the experience and your feelings
Celebrate the good people in your life
Focus 4: The emotional criminal

It’s often said that people are either energisers or energy sappers. Whenever
we meet someone, they inevitably have some measure of emotional affect
on us. If the interaction is a negative one, then negative emotions can occur.
Most of this negative emotional affect is unintentional but it is still
negative.
Exercise: Seeing yourself as the emotional criminal
Reflect on whether your interactions with others are energising or energy
sapping and if you are evoking welcome or unwelcome emotions in them.
It’s surprising how few people stop to think about the effect they are having
on others. A simple energising approach can make a big difference to others
in your life and ultimately to you yourself. Decide if you are being an
emotional criminal and if so, what you can do about changing it!
Unit 25
Communication
Unit 25: covers effective communication by considering: emotive
words, Chimp and Human approaches to communication and a
check on our communication skills.
One of the most important factors for forming a sound relationship is good
communication. This unit will look at the differences in the way that the
Chimp and Human communicate. The Chimp communicates by using feelings
and the Human communicates by using facts.
The two key concepts covered will be, the way that the Human and Chimp:
1. Perceive information and express themselves
2. Operate during verbal interactions
Key concept 1: How the Chimp and

Human perceive information and
express themselves
The Human hears the words; the Chimp hears the music
The way the Human and Chimp perceive and express communication is very
different. Whenever a communication is received by the mind it evokes an
emotional reaction in the Chimp and a rational response in the Human. [154]
[155] [156] [260] [204] [439] Most of the time, we are not aware that there has been
an emotional reaction. These emotional reactions vary in strength and
generally we are only aware of the stronger ones. [164] [440] When words are
involved, some words evoke strong emotions, for example, death, anxiety and
love. These are termed emotive words. Other words don’t usually have any
significant emotional content attached to them, such as desk, cloud or apple.
However, for one individual, apple might bring back memories of an
experience that did have an emotional content and therefore will evoke an
emotional response. The important point is that most words will have some
form of emotional attachment and therefore evoke reactions in us. [440]
Psychopaths and emotive words
- Scientific points
Individuals termed ‘psychopathic’ have measurably different reactions to emotive words
compared with the rest of us. One experiment showed words or jumbled letters on a screen.
The words were of two types: emotive words and non-emotive words. When subjects saw a
word, they were to press a button and the time taken to recognise the word was recorded. The
non-psychopathic group recorded faster reaction times to emotive words compared with non-
emotive words. The psychopathic group showed no difference in reaction times to emotive and
non-emotive words. This is because their brains are wired differently and they do not
experience emotion as intensely as the typical brain. Their amygdala also shows less activation
with emotionally based moral situations. This is one reason why the psychopath doesn’t feel
empathy in the same way as everybody else. [441] [442]
We know how important it is to choose our words carefully in difficult

conversations because the wrong word, especially one with a strong emotional
attachment, can change everything!
Words evoking emotional responses
Practical application
Before you engage in a significant conversation with someone, it helps to think
about the kind of emotional reaction that you would like from them. Consider
which words would either help or not help you to get the reaction that you
want.
For example, here are two sentences, at the extreme ends of communication,
when trying to get someone to stop tapping their pen on a desk while you are
trying to concentrate:
“Incessantly tapping your pen is very irritating and it annoys me, can you
stop immediately”
“I’m sorry to interrupt you but I am finding it difficult to concentrate when
you tap your pen”
The first sentence has a number of emotionally evocative words:
‘incessantly; irritating; annoys; immediately’ – these are more likely to evoke
emotionally negative reactions in the other person. The second sentence has a
few emotionally evocative words: ‘Interrupt; difficult’ – and these are unlikely
to evoke emotionally negative reactions. The word ‘sorry’ can evoke positive
emotions. You can decide for yourself which of the two sentences might be
better for achieving the outcome that you want.
Try this exercise: think about someone who you find it difficult to get on
with and use some words to describe them. Now try using different words, that
might give a similar description, but that don’t evoke negative reactions within
yourself. The situation might not change, but you are much less likely to cause
yourself to have distressing feelings.
For example, when describing the Words can evoke emotions -
person that you dislike, you might Choose carefully!
say: “I find him selfish, ego-driven,
thoughtless, devious and
undermining”. Describing the person
using these words, even though they
might be true, is very likely to make
you feel disturbed: you have evoked
your own negative feelings. You
could change your description to: “He
appears to have an absence of
emotional intelligence and builds his
world around himself”. This sentence
removes your emotions, looks at him objectively and also doesn’t have the
strong emotive words. Both sentences say similar things, but the second
sentence is much more likely to leave you feeling more at ease. It is a trainable
skill to learn to be non-judgemental and objective when making comments.
[443]
Communicating with words and emojis
- Scientific points
Try reading the following text and then see what research has shown us.
‘It’s been a really great day. In fact, perfect, but we are expecting some rain soon.’
Research shows that when we send a text like this, with a strong positive content, but add a
negative emoji, the person receiving the text is likely to perceive the sender as not being in a
good mood. This is because our Human interprets the facts of the message but our Chimp
interprets the feelings of the message. In many people, the negative emoji can override the
positive message. What is happening is that our rational Human interpretation of the facts is
being overridden by our Chimp’s feelings that have been induced by the negative image of the
emoji. [444]
When we communicate with someone, their Chimp hears the feeling of the
message, whereas the Human hears the words.
For example, here are two responses to the question ‘What do you think
about the rise in child neglect?’
Response 1 – “I think it’s disgusting and unacceptable. No child should be
subjected to abuse or neglect. It leaves me angry at times to see such lack of
care.”
Response 2 – “I think every child should have a great childhood with
support and encouragement. Every child deserves a great environment with
security and happiness.”
Although each respondent might
have similar thoughts, someone who Key Point
hears these responses can find their
When message are sent:
Chimp will receive the messages very
the Human hears the
differently. The Human hears the words
words but the Chimp only
and will rationally understand the
listens to the music.
position of both respondents. However,
the Chimp only hears the feelings that
the words evoke. Therefore, respondent 1 will evoke a negative feeling in the
Chimp and the Chimp might well not like the message or the respondent!
Respondent 2 will evoke a positive feeling in the Chimp and the Chimp is
liable to like both the message and the respondent.
Make sure the music is good!
A word of caution regarding the Stone of Life and negative statements!

Can we turn some of them around?
Our Stone of life might have some negative but helpful truths on it. For
example: it might have that ‘Life is not fair’, and this might be helpful in
accepting some injustices. However, if we have a lot of negative statements on
our Stone of Life then it can have a negative effect on our Chimps. It is
possible to turn some negative truths around so that both Human and Chimp
find them pleasant and helpful.
For example, ‘There will always be setbacks in life’, could be turned round
into ‘Setbacks are opportunities for learning’.
Key concept 2: How the Chimp and

Human operate during verbal
interactions
Effective communication begins with listening
Why is listening so important? Unless we establish the facts of what we are
discussing and both start from the same page, then it is unlikely that we will
get very far. It’s important to make sure we enter into a significant
conversation in Human mode because the Human will start by establishing the
facts.
Example: Owen and the cream cakes
Owen has two children, aged 5 and 6. He had bought two cream cakes for
them to eat after their evening meal. He specifically told them not to eat the
cakes before this. Later in the afternoon he stepped outside to do some
gardening. On returning he saw that the cream cakes had gone and both
children had cream on their faces. Owen’s Chimp went into melt down. It
raged and brutally told the children that he was not only disappointed in them
but they were a great disappointment to him. He left the room with both
children in tears.
Let’s repeat the scenario, but this
time Owen’s Human will respond. Key Point
When Owen’s Human saw the cream
Effective communication
on the children’s faces, he asked what
begins with listening.
had happened. The children then told
him that their mother had come home
and brought some great desserts for after the evening meal. She had said that
they had been so good this week, that they could eat the cream cakes now, and
have desserts tonight as well. Just by fact finding, scenarios can change in
front of us and stop our Chimps from humiliating us!
Who is speaking?
Conversations take place in one of
four scenarios:
Human to Human
Human to Chimp
Chimp to Human
Chimp to Chimp
Recognising which interaction is
occurring can be helpful for moving
the conversation into a Human-to-
Human interaction. We have
previously covered how to move
yourself from Chimp into Human
mode and also how to move
somebody else from Chimp into Human mode.
If we look at the difference between the Human and Chimp approaching a
conversation then it becomes obvious why Human-led conversations are
usually productive, whereas, Chimp-led conversations are usually
unproductive.
Differences in approach when
communicating
Intention is to get you on to To help both of you to be on

their page the same joint page
To win Understand the other person
Express emotion Allow expression from the
Attack and defend other person
Agend Go on feelings and Look for a solution
a impressions Establish the facts
Don’t give way or change Be willing to change or
stance compromise
Look good and innocent Accept responsibility
Have excuses ready
Be a victim, if all else fails
Speak first Listen first

Shout and be emotional Remain calm
Interrupt Speak slowly and softly
Use emotive words Recognise opinions are not
Dominate with speed and facts
Metho volume Reason and discuss
d Intimidate with body Find common ground
language Be reconciliatory
Focus on the problem Focus on solutions
Be devious if necessary Accept differences
Offer only the truths that
serve your purpose
Beliefs I have spoken therefore you I have spoken but I need to
have heard check if you have heard
You have heard therefore You have heard but I need to
you have understood check that you have
You have understood understood
therefore you now know You have understood but I
why I said it need to check you know why
If this isn’t true then I will I said it
get frustrated and you are at We are trying our best but I
fault might have to try again
Getting into Human mode might mean that you have to establish what your
Chimp wants to say, and its agenda, and make sure that you agree with this,
and then represent it.
You can always keep a check on yourself to ensure that you remain in
Human mode throughout the conversation.
Checking your communication skills

Sometimes we have to give instructions to someone to make sure that they get
important things done and done correctly. I have worked with many team
leaders and parents who complain about their team or children not listening.
By observing their communication styles, some important factors can be seen
to be missing. Here is a simple checklist that could be used to measure how
you are doing, and how you might improve, when imparting instructions; one
particular step is critical!
Checklist for auditing important instructions
1. Are the instructions clear in your own mind before you begin?
2. Did you stick to the main points when explaining?
3. Can the person repeat the instructions?
4. Do they know why they need to follow the instructions?
5. Do they understand the consequences of following or not following the
instructions?
6. Have you checked that they agree, and nothing is preventing them from
following the instructions?
7. Have you thanked them?
Point 1 is very important. If we don’t have a clear idea of what we are about to
say then it might become a very ineffective message. One of my favourite
amusing newspaper headlines appeared in Utah in the USA. It read:
‘Utah Poison Control Centre reminds everyone not to take poison’.
It helps to think about the message we are putting across!
On point 2, when we try to take in information there is obviously a limit to
what we can retain. This is very variable and depends on the person and the
information. However, sticking to the points and not wandering into extra
detail will help.
The critical step is highlighted in blue because this step hands responsibility
to the person who is listening. Once we appreciate the consequences of what
we are doing or not doing, we are much more likely to take things seriously.
Example: Bella and her sister
Bella has asked her sister to call in at the Chemist to get some medication for
their mother. Bella didn’t emphasise the request, even though it is important
that the mother gets her medication. Her sister heard the request but forgot to
collect the medication. Her sister felt bad about this and went back into town
to get the medication. This made a mess of her plans for the day.
Had Bella added step 5, it would have been much more likely that her sister
would have remembered. In this example, step 5 would have been to ask her
sister what the consequences would be to her and her mother if she forgets.
When the sister realises that forgetting would mean her day will be messed up,
then she is much more likely to remember what she needs to do.
Unit 25
Reminders
The Human hears the words; the Chimp hears the music
Effective communication begins with listening
Conversations can have four ways to operate between two Chimps and
two Humans
Chimps and Humans have different agendas, methods and beliefs
when communicating
We can use an audit list to check on how we are communicating
Unit 25
Exercises
1. Making good music
2. Reviewing the Truths on your Stone of Life
3. Checking on who is speaking
Focus 1: Making good music

Exercise: Phrases and expressions reviewed
When communicating with someone, reflect on the expressions that you are
using and ensure that the general feel of the communication is a positive
one. It can help if you reflect on phrases that you might use commonly.
Make sure these are positive in nature and also consider introducing some
new positive ones that suit your style of communication.
Focus 2: Reviewing the Truths on your Stone

of life
Exercise: Ensuring your Stone of Life has some inspiring Truths
Some Truths can be rephrased so that they become inspiring rather than
something difficult to accept. For example: ‘Sometimes things won’t go
your way’ can be rephrased as; ‘When things don’t go your way, there is
always an opportunity, if you look for it’’.
Focus 3: Checking on who is speaking

Exercise: Listening or expressing?
In a conversation that is important or filled with emotion, check whether
you are in Human mode or Chimp mode. One way to do this is to ask if you
are listening and considering what is being said, or whether you are
listening and waiting to speak, in order to challenge anything that is said.
Checking on who is speaking might not be as easy as you think! It is a good
exercise to do because it can make for very good communication skills.
Unit 26
Robustness and resilience
STAGE 8: will focus on becoming robust and resilient, and
cover troubleshooting.
Unit 26: will revise some key points and pull the previous
stages together. By doing this, we will be able to understand
how to achieve robustness and resilience
At the start of this course a question was posed: “How do you want to be?”
Probable answers might include:

Be confident
Be happy
Have peace of mind
Be successful
Understand myself
Possess a positive self-image
Be able to manage emotions, thinking and behaviour
When you consider these aspects, it becomes apparent that the
characteristics that most people would like to have, rely on the person being
both robust and resilient.
We can look at how the previous stages have led us to the position where
we can put into place processes and skills that will make us both robust and
resilient. I will start with some definitions of how we could view the terms,
‘robust’ and ‘resilient’.
Definitions of robustness and

resilience
Robust: Robust is being prepared and ready. This means that you are in a
great place, each day, BEFORE you engage with the world.
Becoming robust means having plans in place to manage your own mind
and also whatever situations you meet in life.
Forming plans is something anyone can do by just making the effort.
How robust you are will depend on how good your plans are.
Resilient: Resilient is being able to bounce back and manage the challenges
of life. In other words, remaining in a great place or returning to a great
place throughout the day, and ending the day in a great place. Resilience is a
skill.
Two common questions

Before we begin to form plans for robustness, it might be worth answering
two questions that commonly get asked.
What if I make plans and they are not working? The plans will always
need revising because life and circumstances change. Many aspects of our
plans will hold true throughout our life and those aspects that are not
working, can be revised
What if my plans are really good but I just can’t implement them?
What has been emphasised throughout this course is that resilience is a
skill. Therefore, there will be days when we struggle to apply the skill and
we have to see this not as a failure but as a learning point. What is true is,
that the more we practice, the better we will become at using the skills of
mind management. Therefore, becoming resilient, by acquiring and
maintaining skills, can be a difficult thing to do and is something to work
on throughout life.
Example of robustness and resilience: A toy for a child
If we want to create a toy suitable for a child to play with, then we make
plans.
When we think the plans are ready, we create the toy and have made it
robust. In other words it is prepared and fit for purpose.
However, once the child then plays with the toy, we want to see if the toy
survives the rough and tumble it will receive. If it does, then it is resilient. If
it is not resilient then we either, go back to our plans and make them more
robust, or we give instructions not to subject the toy to certain conditions,
like throwing it against a wall or putting it under water.
Similarly, as an individual you
can become robust with your plan to Key Points
face the world but accept that there • To become robust, we
might be limitations as to what you form a plan.
can subject yourself to. For example,
• To become resilient, we
there will be certain conditions or
learn a skill.
situations that your Chimp will not
tolerate, such as an unacceptable job,
incompatible relationship or unfulfilling surroundings.
An understanding of how robustness

can be achieved
We have now covered the major factors that will help you to become robust.
These major factors will be given without detail, as these details can be
found and revised by rereading the previous relevant units.
Major Factors
STAGE 1
We began in stage 1 by gaining an understanding of our mind and the rules
by which it works. In order to do this, we applied the Chimp model for
accessing and working with the mind.
The components of the mind
For robustness, we need to have an understanding of:
Exactly who we are and be able to clearly separate ourselves from the
machine
The nature and functioning of our unique Chimp
The nature and functioning of our Computer
The rules of the mind

How we can manage the machine but cannot control it
How and why the Computer plays a major role in mind management
The order that information is dealt with:
Looking after self and each part of the machine

The need to nurture, manage and develop all parts of the machine and
ourselves
How to use development time to maintain and improve our mind
management
STAGES 2 and 3
Stages 2 and 3 were focused on the Chimp. Unless we intervene, the Chimp
system will run our mind. Therefore, a lot of work needs to be done to
understand and work with the Chimp system.
For robustness, we need to have an

understanding of:
How to manage our Chimp in a
structured way (three stage process)
How to use distractions and rewards to
manage the Chimp
How to recognise, and manage,
positive and negative aspects of our
Chimp
How to nurture and befriend our
Chimp
How to express emotion effectively
and constructively
The importance of making changes
after expressing emotion
How to recognise, and manage,
emotional messages from the mind
How to manage our biological drives
STAGE 4
Stage 4 focused specifically on the Computer. In this stage, we looked at
how the Computer forms habits and processes information. This helps us to
programme the responses that we want to have to both trivial and
significant life events. This stage also gave insights into how the Computer
can help the Chimp to process information, which helps us to come to terms
with losses, changes and injustices.

Why and how habits are formed
The main factors that will help promote a change of behaviour or life
style
How to change habits
How the Chimp, Human and Computer process life events
How to programme the Computer to help process events and emotion
How to manage grief, loss and other
significant life events
STAGE 5
Stage 5 covered some critical elements, when it comes to achieving
emotional stability, peace of mind, happiness and confidence. The two
major stabilisers of the mind were covered: the Stone of Life and the Troop.

The importance of the Stone of Life and the Troop
How to work with reality and Truths and how to live with them
How to establish values and live by them
How to gain and retain perspective
How to form, manage and maintain your Troop
STAGE 6
Stage 6 covered managing and preventing stress, managing your
environment and giving attention to recuperation and sleep, in order to
improve our physical well being.
The Chimp takes over during sleep

How to manage stress by working with the stress reaction
How to recognise and remove chronic stress
How to prevent stress from occurring
How to create and manage our environment
The importance of recuperation
The nature and management of sleep
STAGE 7
Stage 7 focused on our relationships with others and how to get the best out
of these.

The way that other people’s minds are structured and function
How to help move someone from Chimp to Human
Accepting and working with someone as they are
What the foundations of a successful relationship are
How to communicate effectively with others
How to form a plan to establish

robustness
The major factors listed under each stage can now be turned into a checklist
of practical actions. It is impossible to check on all of the following points,
all of the time. I would suggest that you choose a few at a time to reflect on
and ensure that you know how to put them into action. Some points will
resonate much more than others, so be selective! These points could be
ideal for reflecting on during development time.
STAGE1
Always separate yourself from your machine
Don’t take responsibility for the nature of your machine but do take
responsibility for managing it
Remind yourself that you always have a choice to operate by one of
three systems: Human, Chimp or Computer
Respond to situations; don’t react to them
Remind yourself that the role of the Chimp is to alert you to a
problem and your role is to come up with a solution
Remind yourself to start from where you are and what you have got
and NOT from where you want to be and what you have not got
Apply the NEAT exercise when you can
Look after yourself by having an excellent relationship with yourself
Be your biggest fan and not your worst critic
S T A G E 2 and 3
Use the three-step process and bananas to manage your Chimp
Use some grade A hits that you know will settle your Chimp
Fully accept the nature of your Chimp and nurture it
Know how to commit to tasks if motivation is missing
Don’t allow your Chimp to compare itself to others
Don’t allow your Chimp to do a juggling act
Prepare for the day ahead by programming your Computer
Express emotion constructively
Follow up exercising the Chimp with a plan for the future
Interpret emotional messages correctly and then plan
Recall: Chimps use emotions to dwell on; Humans use emotions to
act on
Recognise and manage emotional scars and ghosts
Address any emotions that lie under the surface of your mind
Fulfil your drives constructively and draw a line where needed
STAGE4
Use the Triangle of Change where appropriate
Hold a positive and correct self-image
Define success via your Human
See acceptance as a skill
Use a Computer programme to process simple events
Address any grief, loss and other significant life events
STAGE5
Be in possession of an up-to-date Stone of Life
Remind yourself regularly of your Truths of Life
Work with reality and not expectation of what should be
Have clear values and live by them
Regularly praise yourself when you live by your values
Constantly remind yourself about keeping perspective
Be in regular contact with your Troop
Maintain your Troop
STAGE6
Prevent stress from occurring, whenever possible, by avoiding or
managing your trigger points
Remove stress, as it appears
Check for any chronic stress and remove the cause
Look after your recuperation
Look after your sleep
Create and maintain the right environment for you
Make sensible lifestyle choices
STAGE7
Appreciate that others have Chimps and Gremlins
Accept people as they are
Be able to help someone to move from Chimp to Human by using
EUAR
Use your judgment, if appropriate, rather than judging others
Communicate in Human mode
Listen carefully with a view to understanding others
Hold your own happiness and don’t give it to others
Recognise and apply the one in five rule
Example of forming a robustness plan:
The first thing to do is to select the main points from the suggested menu
that resonate with you.
For example, these could be:

1. Respond to situations; don’t react to them
2. Be your biggest fan and not your worst critic
3. Know how to commit to tasks if motivation is missing
4. Don’t allow your Chimp to compare itself to others
5. Remind yourself regularly of your Truths of Life
6. Maintain your Troop
These six points could now be focused on daily. By focussing regularly on
these points, they will become second nature as you programme your
Computer to bring them to the forefront of your mind. By putting the points
into practice, the skill of applying them will be acquired, thus leading to
resilience.
Clearly, the checklist can be changed from time to time to develop more
skills. For most people, the Stone of Life will be the most crucial point to
work on and keep active every day in their mind.
Becoming resilient
Now that you have formed a checklist of actions, you have a robustness
plan to work with that is specific to you and you are ready to engage with
the world outside.
To become resilient you need to practice using your robustness plan on a
day-to-day basis and develop the skill of managing your mind.
Example: Egan and his poetry
Egan writes and publishes poetry. He has a small following of people who
really enjoy his work and push him for more poems. He was persuaded to
publish some of the poems on his website. As soon as he did this, he saw
several very caustic comments appear. He recognised that these comments
were unkind and unnecessary. He also accepted that you can’t please
everybody all of the time. However, his Chimp refused to settle and he
found himself in a bad place and wishing that he had never published his
work.
Egan did have a robustness plan, which included some Truths on his Stone
of Life. Some of these Truths were:
The one in five rule is something I strongly believe in and therefore I
can accept some people will be unfriendly
I will thrive if I live by my own values
My friends are the people whose opinion matters
He also has a plan that under stress he will turn to his Troop for help.
The robustness plan seems to be a good one. However, Egan found it
didn’t stop his Chimp from eating him alive. What does he do?
First, his plan needs to be looked at. Did he follow it? Did he reflect and
really spend time thinking about his truths and allow them to settle his
Chimp? If he did this, did he turn to his Troop and gain their support and
perspective. Often, people’s plans don’t work because they don’t really put
them into action; but what if he did put them into action? Then the plans
need to be reviewed.
Could he add further Truths that will settle his Chimp? Does the plan
need adjusting? For example, does the Truth ‘Everybody has critics and
everybody has fans’ help him? If so, he can add this to his list of Truths.
Perhaps the Truth ‘Any criticism is going to upset my Chimp but it doesn’t
have to upset me, and I can manage my Chimp’ might help, or ‘I won’t give
my happiness to someone else’. A different Truth could be, ‘If I choose to
listen to the criticisms then I must accept the consequences’.
If new Truths don’t seem to help, perhaps Egan can lean more heavily on
his Troop and ask them to say why his poetry does help them and what they
find good about it. Their statements will mean much more to him and will
counter the criticisms.
Example: Jana and her robustness loophole
Jana presented a really good plan for
robustness. She had thought of every Key Point
eventuality and every situation and Robustness and resilience
had plans and answers to manage
can only be achieved if the
them all. There was just one snag. Chimp is managed and the
Jana didn’t like herself and had low
Computer is tidied up: All
self-esteem. It’s really important that
Gremlins need to be found
she looks after herself and this and removed!
includes having a good self-image.
Without a good relationship with
herself, none of her plans are going to be very strong. Jana’s task is to build
her self-esteem by working with her Human and basing her self-esteem on
the values that she demonstrates, rather than listening to her Chimp and
basing her self-esteem on more superficial things.
Building resilience in children
- Scientific points
Often when parents raise a child they want to develop resilience in the child but are not sure
how to do this.
Research shows that parents who constantly criticise their child can create self-doubt and
lack of self-confidence in the child. [445] Parents who constantly praise their child can
produce a child with narcissistic tendencies. [446] [447] [448] The parent who gives
appropriate measures of praise and criticism would appear to be developing a resilient child,
but this doesn’t appear to be the case. Research indicates that a child who is taught how to
self-assess with appropriate measures of self-praise and self-criticism is more likely to
develop into a resilient adult. Research on four-year-old children shows that if they are
taught how to self-assess they usually develop into resilient teenagers many years later.
[449] [450] [451]
Very young children necessarily look to their parent for approval of what they are doing,
as the child is operating in Chimp mode. The Chimp must look externally and turns to the
parent and relies on the parent’s judging of their worth. The child sees this as a measure of
their success or failure. If the child continues to look externally then when they reach their
teenage years, they replace their parent’s judgement with their peer’s judgement. [452]
[453] In other words, they remain in the hands of external sources to judge them. I call this
‘The Fridge Door Syndrome’. (See the next page).
However, if we teach children self-assessment, we are promoting the Human circuits to
operate and these will look internally to decide on how they are doing. Instead of seeing a
judging statement by an external person as being valid, they will only see an opinion from
another person and will be able to weigh up and accept or reject that opinion.
Furthermore, they will look to their own Human to decide on how they are doing and this will
result in resilience.
The Fridge Door Syndrome and its
cure
- Scientific points
The fridge door syndrome typically occurs when a child goes to school and is asked to paint
a picture for their parent. On returning home, the child gives the parent the picture and the
parent encourages the child by praising the picture. The parent then adds statements such
as: I am really proud of you, you are so clever and I love you. To show how proud they are,
the parent puts the picture onto the fridge door. This then lets the world know just how
clever the child is. The problem here is that the child is being programmed to look externally
to what it produces, in order to establish its worth. Not only this, the child is very likely to be
in Chimp mode when receiving this praise and will add on that with this praise come the
statements that the parent loves them and is proud of them. The child cannot rationalise and
distinguish the subtlety of what the parent really means. Further, the child sees the world
looking at its painting on the fridge door and accepts that their worth is dependent on what
they produce and is decided by everyone else just how good they are.
The alternative scenario is to establish internal self-worth that is unconditional. In this
case, when the child comes home with the painting, the parent asks the child to put the
painting to one side for a moment. The parent then internalises the child’s worth by letting
them know that they are loved unconditionally and the parent is proud of the child just for
being who they are. At this point the child can join in when looking at the painting and with
encouragement can decide whether they think the painting is good or not and whether it
should be put onto the fridge door. Clearly there might be help needed to encourage the
child to praise or constructively criticise their own work and also clearly, the parent would
compliment and encourage the child’s efforts as well as their achievement. They key points
are; that the child first establishes that they are validated without having to achieve anything,
and that they are encouraged to praise and constructively criticise their own work by a
parent who guides them with this.
This move to self-praise and self-
validation has its roots in object-relations
theory. Applying this becomes the cure for
someone suffering with the fridge door
syndrome by believing that, what they
achieve and what others think, is more
important than their own opinions. The cure
is to replace the approving parent or others
by entering Human mode and place yourself
in the assessment and approving position.
[454] [455]
When we consider how children

build resilience, we can apply this principle to ourselves even as adults. To
bolster resilience we can learn how to constructively assess how we are
doing by moving into Human mode. We can learn to praise and
constructively criticise ourselves in a supportive and helpful manner, that
will promote self-development. We can perceive other people’s comments
as opinions and not as judgements that must be valid. In Human mode we
can easily reject any unhelpful comments from others, if we don’t agree
with their opinion about us, or what we do. As adults, we can ask others for
their opinion not seek their approval and thereby build resilience.
Unit 26
Reminders
Robustness means having your mind ready and prepared to face the world
Robustness is achieved by:

Nurturing and developing your Human
Nurturing and managing your Chimp
Keeping your Computer up to date
Understanding and working within the rules of the mind
Resilience means acquiring the skill to manage your mind and keep it
robust, whatever is happening in your life.
Resilience:
Is a skill
Is unlikely to be achieved at all times
Will improve the more we practice
Occurs, as we work within the rules of the mind
Unit 26
Exercises
1. Being robust
2. Warming up and warming down the Computer daily
3. Resilience by losing self
Focus 1: Being robust

Recall that, robustness = a plan: resilience = a skill.
It’s worth stopping and spending time to reflect on what becoming robust
means to you. How will you be prepared to face the world and to manage
yourself?
The question is; “Have you put in the work and formed a plan for
becoming robust?”
Exercise: Forming your personal robustness plan
Use the ‘menu checklist’ to select the areas that you would like to give
attention to.
Work through each area one by one and ensure that you have a
management plan for each one.
For example: if one area is ‘to use grade A hits to settle your Chimp’,
then the plan could be to have five grade A hits ready to remind yourself of
these, whenever something unsettles your Chimp. You can then return to
Human mode.
Focus 2: Warming up and warming down the

Computer daily
It doesn’t take very much time to reset your mind into Human mode. Try to
establish a fixed routine that allows you just a few minutes to prepare
yourself for the day ahead. If you can also allocate time at the end of the
day to warm your Computer down this will also be very helpful for keeping
you in a good place.
Exercise: Warming the Computer down
At the end of the day, go back over events and ensure that your Chimp has
not put into the Computer any distortions or misinterpretations of what has
happened. These are new Gremlins that could grow with time. Go into
Human mode and if necessary reinterpret events with the facts and the truth.
Where appropriate, add perspective to the events of the day by asking how
important they will be in a few months time. Finally, look to your values
and how you stood by them, if you want to increase your chances of a good
night’s sleep!
Focus 3: Resilience by losing self

People who see themselves as being important will become more sensitive
to criticism, more self-conscious and preoccupied with what others might
think about them. Those who see themselves as not being so important gain
a perspective about their significance in life itself. Therefore, what others
might think becomes unimportant and self-esteem becomes based on self-
assessment.
Exercise: Questioning how others see you
It is important to have good self-esteem but this can be balanced with
perspective on our own self-importance. Try to enhance your resilience by
being able to lose yourself and not take things so seriously. Laughing at
yourself or your situations can be a great way to gain resilience.
Unit 27
Troubleshooting
If we can learn to manage our mind then resilience will be
established. The question is; “What could stop us from
becoming resilient?”
Unit 27: will cover -

Five reasons why the Stone of Life might not be working
Five common causes that prevent resilience
Troubleshooting
We will begin by looking at the Stone of Life and why it might not be
functioning correctly, and then move on to common problems that prevent
resilience.
In an ideal situation your Stone of Life would be up and running and able
to manage your Chimp. This means that whenever the Chimp tried to react
to anything distressing or unhelpful, it would look into the Computer and
immediately be reminded about working with reality and truths, living by
your values and keeping perspective. So, why is it that our Chimps can still
get loose?
In order to answer this question, we will consider five common reasons
why the Stone of Life might not be working. Methods will be offered for
correcting any deficits and we will see how to keep the Stone of Life
prepared and active.
Five common reasons why the Stone

of Life might not be working:
1. The Computer is in sleep mode
2. The components are not all accurate
3. The Chimp or Human has unmet needs
4. There is a health problem or lack of self-care
5. The Computer needs to offer a grade A hit

An example might shed light on the commonest reason why the Stone of
Life isn’t working.
Example: The puzzled team
Everyone in the office was excited to have a new all singing and dancing
printer and photocopier. According to the manual, it would be able to do
everything. The problem was that it wouldn’t feed the paper through. After
some time of enduring frustration and cursing, it was decided to send the
machine back or get the maintenance team out. One of the staff phoned for
help and explained the problem. The reply was simple: “Have you switched
it on?”
I think most people have experienced this
embarrassing situation, when trying to
operate some electrical goods. We forget to
switch the machine on and of course when
we do, it helps! This leads us to the first and
most common problem why the Stone of
Life just doesn’t seem to be working.
The Computer in your head is very similar

to a real computer. If you wanted to retrieve
some information from your real computer
then you would wake it up by switching it
on and pressing the right keys. This might
be quick to do, but it does take a few moments. The rules of the mind
dictate that once the Chimp has received any information it will quickly
check with the Computer to see if there is any advice or if the Computer can
take over with a response. [7] [3] The Chimp is impatient and if your
Computer doesn’t respond immediately, then the Chimp will act. [456] [457]
In other words, if your Computer isn’t switched on, then by the time it has
begun to display information, it is too late. The Chimp won’t wait, but
instead it will act and hijack the system. Once the Chimp has asked the
Computer for advice, it won’t do it a second time. Therefore, it is vital that
the Computer is constantly ready for action.
Why has the Computer gone to sleep and how do we switch the
Computer on and keep it running?
It is vital that the Computer is constantly ready for action
It is quite simple. The Computer will go to sleep, if we don’t continually use

the programmes that we have input. To keep the Computer active, we must
keep using the programmes.
Example: Joseph and the Defibrillator
Joseph works in a factory and is the lead for first aid. He has been shown
how to operate the defibrillator, which will be used if someone collapses
from a heart problem. However, he has not practiced the resuscitation
procedure for many months. One day at work, a man collapsed and fell into
unconsciousness. Joseph was called to the scene and the defibrillator was
ready for him to use. Joseph realised that, although he did know what to do
with the device, he wasn’t confident and checked the instructions. At this
point, his Chimp panicked and took over. Joseph became agitated and
fumbled with the equipment.
What happened, demonstrated two pathways in Joseph’s mind that were
not warmed up: the use of the defibrillator and also the management of his
Chimp in an emergency. Let’s repeat the scenario but this time Joseph has
his Computer warmed up.
Joseph has been regularly practicing using the defibrillator and revising
the procedures. The process has been practiced enough to make the
Computer ready to act at any point without hesitation. It is warmed up and
is kept switched on by this regular practice. The pathways in the brain are
being used regularly. When he attends the scene of the collapse, he knows
exactly what to do. His Computer is programmed to act and takes over from
his Chimp. However, during the process, Joseph’s Chimp panics. It starts
questioning if he is really doing things right and asks, “What if this man
doesn’t make it?”. These are all natural Chimp reactions. However, Joseph
has also practiced how to manage his Chimp, ready for any emergencies.
Joseph’s Computer has regularly gone through a rehearsal of emergency
situations and is prepared with answers for the Chimp. Many of these
answers are from Joseph’s Truths on his Stone of Life. The Computer’s
answers to the Chimp include:
All I can do is my best, and that I will do
Anything I can do is better than doing nothing at all
I can deal with any outcome
The best chance of success is to put all my focus onto the process
The above Truths resonate with Joseph. When his Chimp attempts to hijack
him by panicking, Joseph’s programmed and rehearsed (warmed up)
Computer immediately answers the Chimp and Joseph remains in Computer
mode.
For your Stone of Life to settle your Chimp down, you need to revise and
reflect on your Stone of Life regularly and keep it up to date.
Just a few minutes every morning can set the scene for the rest of the day.
A few minutes of reflection at intervals during the day, can also help
immensely.
This time of reflecting and reminding yourself of the details on your
Stone of Life will keep them very much awake. They will then be ready to
respond immediately if a situation arises where the Chimp needs these
details. Without regularly reminding yourself of the details on your Stone of
Life, the Chimp will not be able to find them and will act on its own
initiative from an emotional basis. [457] Without reminders, your Computer
will effectively go into sleep mode. [458] [459]

If your Stone of Life doesn’t appear to be stabilising your emotions, then I
suggest you check and revise all of the details on it. It is important that you
make sure that they are all very relevant to you and your daily life. If some
of the details are not resonating with you then they won’t work. The Chimp
is not fooled by anything that does not have a ring of truth to it.
Example: Yvette and a false truth!
Yvette has put a Truth onto her Stone of Life: ‘Everything works out in the
end’.
For some people this rings true, as they believe that even when things go
wrong, life will continue and they will move on.
For others, the phrase ‘Everything works out in the end’ is just not true.
Sometimes life takes a turn for the worse that could affect us permanently.
Therefore, this is not a truth that resonates with everyone. When Yvette
challenges this truth, she accepts that it would be a great belief to have, but
she doesn’t believe it herself. Now that she has recognised this, she needs to
find a statement that is true for her and will help her in difficult times. For
example, she might resonate with ‘Even when things go wrong, I will still
have some good days’.
Example: Missing elements

Seamus is using the Truths on his Stone of Life to manage his Chimp. He
has noticed that every time he meets a setback his Chimp overreacts and the
Truths on his Stone of Life don’t seem to hold up. It could be that some
Truths are missing and the ones he has are not relevant for setback
situations. One possibility for Seamus, is that a missing Truth could be,
‘When I enter Human mode, I am an adult and can manage anything that
life brings to my door’. If he believes this and yet it is missing from the
Truths on his Stone of Life, then it is likely that his Chimp will continue to
panic and react to many situations that it doesn’t need to react to.
Alternatively, it could be about gaining perspective in the moment that
the setback happens. Seamus tries to gain perspective by laughing at himself
or at the situation, but this fails. He tries to think about how short life is, and
not to waste time worrying, but this also fails. The problem he faces is that
there is nothing wrong with what is currently on his Stone of Life. It just
needs an addition. This time he discovers a different way to keep
perspective. He asks himself, “Will I still have these emotions in one week’s
time, or will they have changed?”. Alternatively, he could ask a similar
question, “Are these emotions permanent or will they change with time and
with the changing situation?”. For Seamus, this could work. It is important
to makes sure that we have sufficient information on our Stone of Life.
Example: Changing truths and values
It helps to keep on adding any new truths or values that you may uncover
during your journey through life. As we mature, it is very likely that some
of the truths we once believed might no longer hold true and therefore need
removing or adjusting.
For example, if you believe that everyone could be pleasant, if they are
given the opportunity, then you will live your life according to this belief. If
someone is unpleasant then you are likely to try to give them the
opportunity to be pleasant or to look for a reason that is stopping them from
being pleasant. This is a reasonable belief and your actions will feel correct,
even if they do not achieve what you would like to happen.
However, if you then change your
belief and now believe that not Key Point
everyone is pleasant, regardless of
Revising and refining your
what you do for them, then you will
Stone of Life regularly,
approach life very differently. It’s
ensures it is always
important that you work out what
accurate for that time in
you believe, and keep your Stone of
your life.
Life up to date, because this will
then affect your behaviours and
interpretations of situations.
The Stone of Life is there as a guide and reassurance for the Chimp and
Human. What it can’t do is to satisfy their needs.
Therefore, it is important to ensure that the Chimp’s needs, which are
based on drives, are being met. If they are not being met then the Chimp
might not listen to the Stone of Life.
It’s also important to meet your own
Human needs.
Management of a Chimp reaction
is different to fulfilling the Chimp’s
needs.
Example: Lorna and her Chimp’s Troop

Virtually all Chimps need a Troop to
support them. [460] [461] This Troop Key Point
will usually consist of some family The Stone of Life will help
and some friends who will always
prevent a Chimp reaction
stand by the Chimp, whatever the
but won’t necessarily help
circumstances or despite what the
to fulfil a Chimp’s needs.
Chimp might have done! If the
Chimp doesn’t have a Troop then it
will continually search for one and will not settle down. Without a Troop, it
might well express inappropriate emotion in many areas of its life. [301]
Lorna has developed a perfect Stone of Life, but she can’t understand
why she still feels unhappy. She recognises that she doesn’t have a solid
Troop for her Chimp. To counter the concern about the lack of a Troop, she
has put a Truth on her Stone of Life, which she firmly believes, that ‘Given
time, everyone will have a Troop’. For many people this truth will help to
settle their Chimp, but for Lorna her Chimp’s need for a Troop is so strong
that it isn’t going to settle until it finds one.
The reality is that our Chimps have fundamental needs to keep us healthy.
There are certain things individual Chimps can and can’t tolerate.
The difference between what a Chimp wants to make it settle and what a
Chimp needs is a fine line, and only you can work out what this is for your
Chimp.
The Chimp won’t settle down unless
its needs are met
Example: Oscar and the office job
Our Chimps need to feel secure and in the right part of the ‘jungle’ to meet
its territory drive. Making sure that you are living in the right environment,
both professionally and personally, is essential to meeting the needs of the
Chimp. The Stone of Life is unlikely to settle down a Chimp that is unhappy
in an environment that it can’t tolerate.
Oscar works in an office but knows that his Chimp wants to work
outdoors. He loves the team in the office and doesn’t want to leave them. He
keeps revising and going over his Stone of Life, but his Chimp continues to
feel unsettled. A Chimp that knows it needs to move on but also feels that it
can’t, and likes to stay with familiarity, is a very common situation. Oscar
could try to sort out this dilemma by using logic and putting down the pros
and cons for staying in the office or getting an outside job. However, he
might have to accept that his Chimp will keep on telling him that he is in the
wrong part of the jungle.
Example: The broken relationship
Harry has been in a relationship with Pauline for ten years but it isn’t
working. They have tried to make things work, but feel even more distant
from each other. Harry wants to have a relationship that is warm with a
good home life, but Pauline wants a relationship that is energising and
adventurous. The Stone of Life won’t necessarily work here because they
are trying to address both the wants and the needs of their Chimps. A
practical approach to solve the problem is required.
Health problems or a lack of self-care can cause your mind to malfunction.
Lack of self-care includes inattention to sleep, [462] poor nutrition, [463] [464]
or a lack of relaxation, [465] [466] which can all prevent your mind from
working correctly. [467] Falling in love also has a dramatic impact on the
way our mind functions.
There is a health problem or lack of self-care

- Scientific points
The mind is very difficult to manage under certain circumstances. Inadequate rest, poor
sleep, the influence of alcohol, some medications and some recreational drugs can
dramatically affect our ability to make sound decisions. Falling in love can also severely
affect our judgement. When we fall in love major changes in hormones and transmitters
occur in our brain. The key effects are that the amygdala and dorsolateral areas of the brain
become less active, which impairs our warning system and also our rational decision-
making. As well as having impaired judgement, these brain changes also affect our risk
taking ability and we therefore become impaired in our judgement and take risks that
normally we would not take. Falling in love, therefore, could almost be seen as our mind
malfunctioning! [468]
It’s obvious that you have to look after yourself; otherwise both the physical
and emotional machines will not be able to function correctly. If you are in
any doubt about your physical or mental wellbeing then please see your
doctor and get a check-up. Try to be practical and ensure that you are
looking after your physical health, particularly in relation to rest and sleep.
A tired machine will default to Chimp mode, regardless of how good the
Stone of Life is. [469] [369] Physical and mental health problems need
addressing with the appropriate professional, but self-care is our own
responsibility.
Example: Cheryl and tiredness
Cheryl has a great Stone of Life and regularly reviews it. She can’t work out
what is wrong because everything seems in place and she is in agreement
with it. On closer inspection of her lifestyle, four common themes become
apparent:
1. Cheryl doesn’t know how to say no to requests and overloads herself
with work and deadlines
2. She doesn’t look after her sleep and has an inconsistent and unplanned
sleep pattern
3. Her nutrition leaves a lot to be desired and she eats erratically
4. She doesn’t allow for any planned downtime during the day
It doesn’t take a genius to work out
why she feels tired all the time and Key Point
what the solution might be. A tired
Don’t neglect your health
or stressed physical body will play
and wellbeing if you want
havoc with the mind. Tiredness your mind to be in a good
usually results in the person entering
place
Chimp mode, with irritability often
being the sign of a tired Chimp. [470]
[471]
A Truth of Life is a ‘fact’ that resonates with you and is a general rule of
life. Sometimes, we need to add a grade A hit to manage specific situations.
Example: Dennis and the spider
Dennis’ Chimp is terrified of spiders. A fear of spiders and snakes is
specifically in-built from birth, in both humans and chimpanzees but most
people overcome this. [472]
If Dennis turns to the Truths on his Stone of Life, he is unlikely to have a
mention of spiders on this. This is because his fear of spiders is a specific
problem to him. Therefore, Truths such as, ‘I can deal with anything that
life brings to my door’ and ‘Not all experiences in life will be pleasant’,
don’t help!
Dennis needs to create a grade A hit specific to the spiders he fears. For
example, he might believe, ‘A fear of spiders is natural, but spiders don’t
attack people if unprovoked’ or ‘Spiders in my country, can’t harm me’, (if
that is true!).
In other words, there are some specific situations that will be helped by
forming grade A hits for them, to supplement the Truths on the Stone of
Life.
Summary for addressing the five common reasons why the Stone of
Life might not be working.
The Stone of Life:

1. Can only work effectively, if the Computer is turned on and ready
2. Needs to be reviewed regularly and must have accurate details on it
3. Cannot address unmet needs
4. Is greatly dependent on good physical and mental health
5. Grade A hits are needed for some specific situations
Five common problems that prevent

resilience
We will now consider five common problems that can prevent resilience:
1. Muddling yourself up with the machine
2. Constant maintenance is being neglected
3. Forgetting that resilience is a skill and not a fixed process
4. Not using the Troop to settle the Chimp
5. Confidence is not being achieved

This is a very common problem. It is easy to see why we often confuse our
actions with those of the Chimp or Computer. The essence of my work is to
explain that we share our mind with a machine and not to muddle ourselves
up with it.
I often hear despairing phrases, such as:

Why do I eat so much?
What is wrong with me?
I am one of life’s worriers
I always get so nervous
Why do I hate myself at times?
I can’t seem to stop overreacting
The list is clearly endless!
None of these are accurate statements. In all of these cases the person is
describing a machine. The most helpful way forward, is to answer these
questions or statements by approaching them with an understanding of the
machine. Therefore, for example, the responses could be changed to:
Why does my Chimp have such as a strong eating drive and how do I
manage this?
How can I understand my machine better and work with it?
My Chimp is a worrier, so how do I reassure it and suitably programme
my Computer?
My Chimp is nervous by nature; I need to accept this and learn how to
reassure it
If I don’t accept the machine, as it is, then I will experience frustration
at times
Learning how to present to the world the real me begins with knowing
who the real me is and then learning how to prevent the machine from
interfering and start enhancing me
My Chimp is doing a great job by overreacting and drawing my
attention to things. I need to do a great job by listening to it and then
offering perspective

Just as physical fitness needs constant work and time allocating to it,
psychological fitness also needs constant work and time allocating to it.
Maintenance means, checking that you are looking after yourself and
your Chimp, and constantly tidying up your Computer.
Tidying your Computer means reflecting on your beliefs and processing
any events that are going on in your life. Processing events on a day-to-day
basis means checking on your perception and interpretation of what is
happening, and then where necessary, forming the appropriate, accurate and
helpful beliefs.
Example: Marilyn and progress
Marilyn resonated with the Chimp model and felt she had been doing well
for several years. There had been lots of improvements to her self-image,
her confidence and her peace of mind.
Following an incident at work, Marilyn found herself losing confidence,
becoming unhappy and unable to stop the feelings her Chimp was giving
her. She came to see me in quite a distressed state. Her opening words were:
“After all these years, I have learnt nothing”.
It’s very important to make sure that you interpret things correctly. This
was not about her learning anything. It was about accepting that the nature
of the Chimp doesn’t change and it is a skill to constantly manage this. The
Chimp might be trained but its nature will always remain the same. It’s true
that the more we practice, the better we get at managing the Chimp.
However, it is a skill, and realistically, sometimes our skill can let us down.
Therefore, it isn’t that we haven’t learnt anything; we just need to practice
day by day. We often need to remind ourselves that the Chimp is built to be
much stronger than we are, in order for it to protect us. Therefore, expect
days when the Chimp will flex its muscles. The skill is to know what
process or what action to take in a situation where the Chimp needs
managing. It is also a skill to clean up the Computer and find any hidden
Gremlins and to implement helpful Autopilots that will manage the Chimp.
Resilience is based on recognising and accepting that it is a skill and not a
process.
The ideal situation is when we manage the Chimp by using the Human’s
programming of the Computer. It’s not surprising, therefore, that it fights
back! If the Computer fails to settle the Chimp, there is another way
forward. Rather than repeatedly trying to use the Computer to settle the
Chimp, we can change our approach and work with what the Chimp is
wanting.
If we recall that the Human always looks internally to gain stability but
the Chimp looks externally for stability, then this is our starting point.
Instead of turning inwardly to the Computer, we can look externally to the
Troop. Investing in your Troop and turning to them whenever you cannot
settle your Chimp is a very constructive and sensible way of managing the
situation. Gaining emotional stability is not about being completely
independent. It is about managing the mind effectively. It is not a failure to
turn outwardly for help but rather an alternative method to manage
emotions. Most people would prefer to be able to manage their emotions
without turning to others but to try and do this on every occasion can lead to
unnecessary stress.
The Troop will offer reassurance and a sense of belonging and this can
offer the Chimp security. Talking through difficulties and problems with a
friend can help the Chimp immensely. [88] [81] [143] This is because they
usually offer what the Chimp wants: expression of feelings, understanding,
acknowledgement and recognition.
The Chimp will look for support and security from its troop
Don’t forget to avoid being bitten by roaming Chimps, who might or might
not be friendly, but are not part of your Troop. By this, I mean people who
don’t necessarily mean you any harm but are not reliably on your side.
Therefore, they can distance themselves from you or even be critical,
without being concerned about your feelings. Remember that not all Chimps
are friendly!
We have looked at confidence as being based on doing your best and being
able to deal with any consequences of not achieving your best or failing.
Despite knowing this, many people still find it difficult to build
confidence. What we need to answer is: “Why do people struggle to build
confidence and how do we address this?”
The first important point to remember is that all of the work that we do is
based on developing a skill. This means it will take time and effort to
achieve a state of confidence and that there will be times when we don’t
manage it. If you struggle with confidence, I hope this won’t discourage you
from persevering. When we look at the force of nature within us, which is
basing confidence on achievement, it’s not surprising that we often default
back to this stance. The Chimp is determined to look at what it feels it can
achieve and be concerned with what others might think. It is not just the
force of the Chimp looking at achievement; it is also being reinforced by
our society and what we experience right from childhood. We praise
achievement much more than effort. This is the basis of the Fridge Door
Syndrome, which most of us are subjected to as children.
As in the previous unit, we can build confidence by taking assessment out
of the hands of other people and placing it firmly back into our own hands.
If we decide that what matters is whether we do our best, live by our values
and do the right thing, then we move away from the Chimp stance that all
that matters is achievement. It is important to recognise that this doesn’t
mean we are not trying to achieve; what it does mean is that we accept that
all we can ever do is to give everything and hope we can achieve.
Unit 27
Reminders
Five common reasons why the Stone of Life might not be working:
Five common problems that can prevent resilience:
Unit 27
Exercises
1. Distancing yourself from your machine
2. Maintenance work
3. Being forgiving of self
4. Keeping the Computer running
Focus 1: Distancing yourself from your

machine
Try to check on whether you are falling into the trap of muddling yourself
up with your machine, with phrases such as:
I am angry
I am upset
I am sorry I shouted
I get over worried
Remind yourself that these statements are untrue, as it is your machine that
is responsible for these experiences; your role is to take responsibility and
prevent them or manage them. The most important part of the Chimp model
is the ability to separate who you are from your machine. It is worth
reminding yourself on a regular basis of who you are and what your
machine is. All too often we can forget and this can lead us to some
despondency and low self-esteem.
The starting point for resilience is to know who you are.
Exercise: Reminding yourself of who you are
The blank piece of paper exercise from Unit 1 can be very helpful for
finding yourself. We can also find ourselves in other ways. Here are some
examples:
1. Look back on events that didn’t go too well and ask yourself: how you
would have liked to have acted, what you would have liked to have
thought and what emotions you would have liked to have experienced.
This will demonstrate how the Chimp or Computer had hijacked you.
Now look forward, and imagine similar events in your life, and ask:
“how will I prevent myself from being hijacked” and “how will I
programme my Computer with beliefs or behaviours that will help me
to achieve what I want”.
2. Imagine going forward one year in a time machine and looking back
over that one year and ask how you would like to have been. What
values would you have wanted to demonstrate? What emotions and
behaviours would you have wanted to have, when setbacks or
unwelcome things happen? By doing this, you will find the real you
and not the muddled up picture that the world might see of you, after
interference from either Chimp or Computer.
3. Imagine that you have entered a paradise. The people in this paradise
are really great people, who have great personalities. Try and describe
the great personality traits that they would have. Think about this; you
are very likely to be describing the real you. Once you have found
yourself: be pleased!
Focus 2: Maintenance work

Excercise: Checking for Gremlins
At the end of each day, try and set aside a few minutes to go through the
day and check for any Gremlins that have entered the machine. Reconsider
how you have interpreted events that have happened during the day. Make
sure that you are working with the facts and reality and not allowing your
Chimp to make interpretations based on feelings or suspicions. Checking
each day, will keep your Computer Gremlin free.
Focus 3: Being forgiving of self

Recall: are you your biggest fan or your worst critic? Resilience and
managing the Chimp are skills. It is very helpful to be forgiving and
understanding of yourself. None of us can always get things right. We all
forget lessons we have learnt. If it were your best friend, how would you
address them if they got things wrong?
Don’t allow your Chimp to make destructive, critical comments about
you.
Exercise: Being your biggest fan
Try for a brief time to be your biggest fan and encourage yourself with
understanding and some compassion.
Focus 4: Keeping the Computer running

Exercise: Regular reminders
Throughout the day, every so often, try spending a few minutes, to remind
yourself of the key truths on your Stone of Life. This will keep your truths
at the forefront of your mind. Your Computer will be up and running and
will stop the Chimp if it tries to go against the truths.
By reminding yourself of truths, you will reset the mind into Human
mode, manage your Chimp and have a powerful ready to act Computer.
Going
Forward
– a few lines to encourage you and wish you
well
Thank you for going through the programme. I hope that you will be able to
spend just a few minutes each day to remind yourself of things that resonate
with you and put them into practice. By reflecting on how you are doing,
you will bring about changes. Every day that we get up, we change. We are
a different person from the one who went to bed the night before. By
making small changes to your thinking and behaviours, over time, you will
move yourself in the direction that you want to go.
Sometimes, life seems more like a circus than a jungle. If you see life as
a circus then stay in your seat and laugh at the clowns: don’t enter the ring
and risk becoming one.
We would all like to live in a pleasant and safe world, some people
become disillusioned as they hold on to this expectation. I often say to these
people that we don’t live in a world made of chocolate, sit around the camp
fire at night singing Kumbaya and holding hands; I only wish we did.
However, we can create our own world and invite in like-minded people. I
hope some of the themes in this book will help you to do this.
I wish you every success, peace of mind and happiness going forward.
Further support
If you would welcome support and meet with other like-minded people
while developing your skills, then Chimp Management is a company that is
dedicated to helping people to get themselves into a good place. We are
here to support you and welcome all enquiries.
Please see our website, chimpmanagement.com for information and
details.
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Thank you's
and acknowledgments
There are so many people that I would like to thank during the making of
this book, specifically those patients and clients who have trusted and
shared their lives with me and taught me so much. There are too many
people to name that have read passages but I am very grateful to all of
them. From a practical perspective, I am indebted to the following four
people who read, re-read, found references and generally kept me on my
toes:
I would like to say a special thank you to Jeff Battista, who has
painstakingly worked through and designed the layout, graphics and pin-
people for the book, bringing the science and key points to life.
Lastly, a big thank you for working through the book. I hope the book has
helped to bring about thought and behaviours that will give you a better
quality of life as you take your path through the jungle. I hope our paths
cross.
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Pathy To The Jungle

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Published in 2021 by Mindfield Media Limited.

Company number: 07228776

For contact information, please direct all enquiries through www.chimpmanagement.com

Paperback ISBN 9781998991105

Copyright © Prof Steve Peters 2021

Designed by Jeff Battista

Stage 1 - Understanding your mind

1. The mind and Chimp Model introduced

2. The 'rules' of the mind

4. Managing emotional reaction

5. Your mind in harmony

6. How to nurture your chimp

7. Managing your drives

Stage 3 - Working with emotions

8. Emotion – learning an internal language

9. Disguised emotional messages explained

10. Expressing emotion with insight and change

11. Changing habits, beliefs and behaviours

12. Processing and managing life events

13. Managing significant life events

Stage 5 - The two main stabilisers of the mind

14. Working with reality and truths

15. Establishing peace of mind and happiness

16. Keeping events in perspective

17. External support

18. Managing stress

19. Preventing stress from occurring

20. Managing your environment and lifestyle

Stage 7 - Optimising interactions with others

22. Getting the best out of others

23. A basis for relationships

24. Optimising relationships

26. Robustness and resilience

Please visit www.chimpmanagement.com or contact us at

The Mind Management Skills for Life course

The mind and the rules by which it

Breaking the rules of the mind is similar to trying to operate a machine

How the mind functions

2. Interacting with the world

Interaction with the world by learning

Two systems interacting with our world

Making things easier

The three teams operating within the

The Blue square experiment

We now have a simplified picture of how the mind works when it is

It is very important to recognise just how differently these three teams

The Chimp Model

The Chimp system developing

The Human system

You, sharing your mind with a

The teams in action

Two examples, where the Human and

Recognising the Chimp at work

If the answer to the Key Point Key Point

The two questions for Stella are:

Example: Lisa and the exam

Logic and emotion as the basis for action

Ways of working and shift

The Human team begins with