You’ve had supersex – now it’s time

to really let your hair down! tracey cox

superhotsex ups the raunch factor with more advanced techniques,

superhotsex
more risqué topics, and even saucier pictures as Tracey Cox delivers
innovative but practical ways to reinvent your sex life.

Loaded with lashings of wicked real-life fantasies

and tricks for your fingers, tongue, and other parts,
superhotsex is a crash course in how to take your
superhotsex
Tracey Cox is an international sex, body language, sex life from dull to daring—safely and sensibly. supersex was saucy. superhotsex ups the raunch
and relationship expert, as well as a TV and radio rating to exquisitely erotic. Using humor, innovative ideas,
host. She is well known for her shows on sex and Funny, intelligent, and stylishly photographed, and could-and-would-do tips and techniques, Tracey Cox
relationships, including The Sex Inspectors (HBO) superhotsex is for anyone who wants to propel gently but firmly prods you out of your sexual comfort
and Date Patrol (Discovery). their sex life into another dimension. zone to reinvent your love life.

A former associate editor of Cosmopolitan, Just met someone special and want to make sure it stays

superhotsex
Tracey has an academic background in psychology lusty long-term? Hoping to reach into the deep freeze and
and has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and NBC’s thaw a near-frozen sex life? superhotsex is for anyone
Today, as well as numerous primetime talk shows who’s ever asked “Is it really possible to make love to the

tracey cox
worldwide. Tracey has counseled via the media for same person for the rest of your life—happily?” The answer
more than 15 years and sold well over a million is yes—and the solutions are inside this book.
books, six of which have become international
bestsellers. Her first book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, Imaginative and edgy, superhotsex is crammed with
was an instant worldwide success and is now available ideas to send you into supersexy sensory overdrive!
in 140 countries and has been translated into more Written in Tracey’s chatty, funny, and anecdotal style,
than 20 languages. Other titles include supersex, there’s everything from a stroke-by-stroke guide to
superdate, superflirt, Hot Relationships, The Sex spanking and the six all-time best outdoor sex experiences,
Inspector’s Masterclass, and Quickies. A frequent to tips on how to get a fantasy from your head into your
contributor to a variety of publications, Tracey is UK bed and crucial, cunning ploys to get what you want

“....a must-have book for cranking

Glamour magazine’s relationship coach, and she pens without ever upsetting or offending your partner.
a weekly column in Closer magazine. Tracey is also
With stunning photography, stylish design, and vibrant,
resident “sexpert” for ivillage.com and has her own

your lust life up a gear.”

refreshingly new ideas, superhotsex will inspire and
range of sex toys and products.
stimulate you to put a toe into taboo territory, so you
Born in the UK, Tracey spent many years in Australia can enjoy both lust and love.
before moving back to London to host her first COSMOPOLITAN on supersex I S B N 0 - 7 5 6 6 - 2 2 7 5 - 1 Printed in Singapore
52000
television series. She currently lives in London.

For more information on Tracey: www.traceycox.com Discover more at

Jacket images John Davis www.dk.com
9 780756 622756
$20.00 USA $27.00 Canada
superhotsex
photography by John Davis
superhotsex
tracey cox
London, New York, Munich,
Melbourne, Delhi
Contents
Editor Dawn Bates
Design XAB Design Introduction 6
Senior Editor Salima Hirani
Senior Art Editor Nicola Rodway
Executive Managing Editor Adèle Hayward COME ON, YOU
Managing Art Editor Karla Jennings
DTP Designer Traci Salter
KNOW YOU WANT TO!
Production Controller Luca Frassinetti Lust to last a lifetime 12
Art Director Peter Luff How to future-proof your sex life
Publishing Director Corinne Roberts Excuses, excuses, excuses 18
First American Edition, 2006 There are none
Published in the United States by DK Publishing, Inc.,
375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014 Orgasm masterclass 22
06 07 08 09 10 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 A lust lesson for him
Copyright © 2006 Dorling Kindersley Limited
Text copyright © 2006 Tracey Cox
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American IN YOUR DREAMS
Copyright Conventions. No part of this publication may Head sex 32
be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, Why wicked thoughts about others
photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior
written permission of the copyright owner. Published in
can save the relationship you’re in
Great Britain by Dorling Kindersley Limited. Porn vs. plot 40
A Cataloging-in-Publication record for this book is His and her sexual fantasies
available from the Library of Congress.
But what does it all mean? 42
ISBN-10: 0-7566-2275-1
ISBN-13: 978-0-7566-2275-6 An analysis of fantasies that leave
DK books are available at special discounts for bulk us wondering
purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-
raising, or educational use. For details, contact:
The confessions checklist 48
DK Publishing Special Markets, 375 Hudson Street, Crucial questions to consider
New York, NY 10014 or SpecialSales@dk.com
Sharing sexy stuff 50
Reproduced by Colourscan, Singapore
Printed and bound by Tien Wah Press, Singapore How to get a fantasy from your
Always practice safe and responsible sex,
head into your bed
and consult a doctor if you have any condition Guilty pleasures 60
that might preclude strenuous sexual activity. (Seriously, do you think I’m weird
The author and publisher do not accept any
for thinking that?)
responsibility for any injury or ailment caused
by following any of the suggestions contained in
this book. They would also like to remind readers
that the law takes a dim view of people exposing
GOING ALFRESCO
themselves in public or offending others; always Sex and the great outdoors 66
be discreet (and avoid getting arrested!). How to make love in public
Discover more at www.dk.com without getting arrested
Outdoor sex... indoors 74 The 10 all-time-best show-
For those who don’t dare do it alfresco off sex positions 150
The six all-time best outdoor sex Go on, try one!
experiences 76 Fit for sex 160
Do you score four or more? Healthy body = healthy sex life

ISN’T THAT A BIT, A LITTLE SOMETHING

UMM... KINKY? FOR THE WEEKEND
Kinky sex 90 Your sensational sex weekend 170
Why it will save your sex and love life Tried, tested, and planned to perfection
Bottoms up! 96 Great sex games 176
A bit of slap and tickle could be Because grown-ups need fun too
just what you need The 10 all-time-best oral sex
Taboo territory 98 techniques 182
Dipping a toe in... Master these and they’ll love you forever
Kinky confessional 104 The 10 all-time-best hand-job
Some straight answers techniques 186
Going in the back door 108 Practice makes you the perfect lover
Safe, sensible anal sex
Toy story 110 Index 188
It’s playtime... Acknowledgements 191

THE REALLY RUDE STUFF

Bet you haven’t tried... 116
Time to get really naughty
Thrills without spills 124
How to try new things
Lashings of lust 126
Take a tip (not just the whip) from S & M
Threesomes 132
Twice the fun or asking for trouble?

HIPPIE TRIPPY SEX

Cosmic connection 138
How to put the Ahhh! into Om
Take a test drive 146
Tao and Tantric techniques to try
Introduction
For most of us, sex isn’t a problem at the start of a relationship. Everything is new, you’re both
aiming to please, and pleasure is delivered daily by the truckload. New flesh is a seductive
aphrodisiac and sexual satisfaction something you take for granted. Falling asleep, hands clamped
to each other’s naughty parts and smug smiles on your faces, you’re convinced you’ll be different
from the rest. Of course you can have great sex five, ten, even twenty years from now! .... Except
just two years later, those same hands have found new targets to wrap around—coffee cups—and
instead of devouring each other, it’s the latest bestseller. You’re content, happy even, but can’t help
but feel ever so slightly cheated. Like, what the hell happened to our sex life?

Is there anything that can beat really really

good sex? True, chocolate, shopping, football, and
pizza come a close second for some, but sex
will never be knocked off the Number One spot.

This book is for anyone who’s ever wondered why sex is sooooo easy in the beginning but
increasingly difficult the more time you spend together. Those of you who’ve read supersex know
the basics and have no doubt mastered more than a few techniques. You’re sexually confident—
which makes it even more frustrating when things aren’t as good as you sense they could be.
superhotsex aims not only to help you get back the fantastic sex you used to have, it’s designed to
take your sex life to another level. By getting you to be much more sexually adventurous, I intend
to push you (very gently) out of (boring) sexual comfort zones and into (exciting, exhilarating) new
modes of thinking and behaving. Yes, you might have to make a bit of an effort, but by God, it’s
going to be worth it! Cast your mind back. Is there anything on this planet that can beat really really
r-e-a-l-l-y good sex? True, chocolate, shopping, football, and pizza come a close second for some,
but sex will never be knocked off the Number One spot. It’s powerful stuff. Powerful enough to
make kings give up their thrones, the rich hand over their fortunes, and sensible career women
go so limp with lust, they’ll give up fabulous jobs they’ve worked years for, to follow some
temperamental lover who wants to “find himself” in Kathmandu.

Want more or better sex? (And doesn’t everyone?) Turn the page and start reading.
You might just find you’re having superhotsex—for life!
1
The secret ingredients for sensational long-
term sex, and why there are NO excuses for
not cooking up a continual carnal feast!
Come on, you know
you want to!
Two in a tub
 ay fu l, pr ov oc at iv e, an d go od clean fun—
Bubbles are pl e a tub.
yt hi ng bu t w he n tw o sh ar
which becomes an
 l u s t t o l a s t a l i f e ti m e 13

Lust to last a lifetime

How to future-proof your sex life
Sex isn’t important. It might be in the beginning, but long-term love isn’t about lust, it’s about love,
friendship, and commitment. If we were all brutally honest and stopped kidding ourselves, we’d
accept that as long as you’re having some type of sex with your partner, you’re actually doing OK.
Sure, you might feel the occasional twinge of jealousy when you watch couples who’ve just hooked
up, but kids, friends, being part of a family, having someone to support you, to rely on, and to
snuggle up to at night more than makes up for the lack of lust.

Does the girl opposite look like she’d

put up with a lifetime of mediocre sex?
Then why should you? Don’t settle—aim high!
No, you haven’t picked up the wrong book; this is what a good majority of long-term couples believe.
And there’s nothing wrong with thinking like this—if you’re prepared to accept mediocre sex as your
lot in life. If you don’t even blink at that statement, by all means continue to think like that (and hope
like hell your partner agrees with you). If, on the other hand, the thought of a lifetime of so-so sex
makes you want to stick your head in the nearest gas oven, you may find this book interesting
(not to mention the rest of your relationship).

GREED IS GOOD
I don’t think there are any prizes for guessing which camp I fall into.
I’m a greedy bugger—I want it all. I want the kind of intimacy,
contentment, deep affection, and security only long-term
One out
love brings. But I also want passion, lust, eroticism, and
spontaneity. I am well aware the two often aren’t bedfellows,
of every three couples
but I’m also not completely deluded! These days, we’re so struggles with problems
brow-beaten by “experts” telling us we expect too much associated with low sexual
from sex and relationships, anyone who’s still trumpeting desire. One study found
high ideals gets a nasty rap across the knuckles. (Naughty! 20 percent of married
How dare you expect to be happy in bed and out!) But couples have sex
relationships like the one I’m describing do exist—and
fewer than ten
not just in my head after a dozen drinks. True, you probably
won’t haphazardly stumble across one taking the dog for its
times a year.
 14 C OME O N , y o u kn o w y o u w ant t o !

Want to end up like these guys—so bored you

can’t wait for sex to be over? Good sex that
lasts isn’t a gift, it’s an achievement.

five-minute walk tonight, but I bet if you tried you could think of a few lucky so-and-so’s you’ve met.
So if you want a great sex life as well as (shock! horror!) a good relationship, let’s applaud your
optimism rather than deflate it, by looking at how you can add your names to this exclusive list.

It pays to aim high! Couples who have regular, good sex aren’t just the happiest, they tend to have the
highest libidos. Sex stimulates the production of testosterone, so the more sex you have, the more you
want. It keeps us healthy and energetic, which helps get us in the mood; it boosts immunity, warding
off colds and infections; and sexually active people also appear to be less susceptible to depression
and suicide. Orgasms could even be life-extending, most likely because of the effects on the heart
and immune system. So sex is good for your body, your mental health, and your relationship!

So what’s the secret?

What, then, do you have to do to become one of those enviable long-term couples who eagerly
anticipate sex, rather than try their damnedest to avoid it? While it’s all individual, there are definitely
common themes. Anyone who’s read any of my other books knows I consider understanding the
mechanics of sex and mastering effective
techniques crucial cornerstones to a great
sex life. These are definitely essential. But
there’s something else that appears to be
even more important—in fact, without it, the
other things are immaterial: arousal. Arousal
appears to be the key ingredient needed to
drive good, long-term sex. It’s the pursuit of
pleasure, after all, that makes us want to
have sex in the first place. If you’re not
aroused, your motivation to have sex is low
or nonexistent. Plunking your butt on the
couch, remote in hand, is a more attractive
option because even the tamest, lamest
sexual experience requires some emotional
and physical energy. If you’re not aroused
emotionally or physically, where does that
 l u s t t o l a s t a l i f e ti m e 17

Studies show people who have sex 4–5 times

a week look 10 years younger than those
who clock up the twice-a-week average.

energy come from? And how do some couples manage to remain aroused while the rest don’t?
It requires a level of openness and honesty that most people aren’t used to. Along with high arousal
levels, sexually satisfied couples are sexually adventurous—the two, in fact, feed each other. Satisfied
couples pay attention to the cliché that says you need to do new things to spice up your sex life, but
they don’t opt for the standard suggestions of what that might be (e.g., candles, massage, and a pair
of new panties). Their idea of “new things” includes raunchy, risky activities the average couple would
gulp at and consider “inappropriate.”

“Grown-up” sex isn’t supposed to be naughty

A hell of a lot of couples think married or long-term sex is supposed to be loving and affectionate, and
feel guilty for craving the “nasty” or “dirty” sex they enjoyed while single (or in their imaginations). If
you truly love your partner, the need to keep them in love with you can stop you from doing or
suggesting anything that might damage that. Being able to get past that vulnerability and not be
scared to show what you really want sexually is a key factor for success. If you’re not crippled by the
need for your partner to approve of every sexual need and feeling you have, you’re far more likely to
be daring. We want our partners to reassure us
that everything we do and say is “normal,” but
by doing so, we stop ourselves from letting
Not in the mood?
those slightly odd (more interesting) urges and
“Forcing yourself” to have sex
cravings surface. Couples who enjoy lusty sex
when you don’t feel like it sounds
long-term have broken through these barriers.
dreadful, but I’ve seen miraculous
They might not like everything their partner says
effects on people’s sex drive because
or does, or enjoy every sexual experience they
of it. What initially seems like an effort
try, but they feel a sense of sexual freedom that
can have a pleasant effect—and
is conspicuously absent from your “average”
there’s evidence that putting effort
(read “so-so” sex) relationship.
into rejuvenating one area will
breathe new life into your whole
Good technique. Arousal. Being sexually
relationship. Give it a try. (Come on,
adventurous. Openness and honesty. These
it’s not like I’m asking you to
are our themes. Now explore them with me
devour a plate of raw liver!)
(I promise we’ll take baby steps!) and set
yourself up for lust that will last a lifetime.
18 c o m e o n , yo u k n o w yo u wa n t to !

Excuses, excuses, excuses

There are none!

You’re anticipating a feisty frolic, one hand hovering over your zipper, and
they say... “No.” OK, not quite what the sex therapist ordered, but never fear,
help is at hand! It’s natural to be a little resistant to change, so here are a
few hints on how to talk around a reluctant partner or give yourself courage.

I’m too old for that

If you can still eat, breathe, and smile, you can still be open to new sexual experiences. Age is
mainly an attitude. I appreciate that health problems and aging can influence which ideas or
techniques you choose, but disregarding new things just because you think they’re for “young”
people is silly. Assuming you’re not parking a walker next to your lover’s scooter, you’re probably
around the same age. So if it’s your body you’re worried about, I’ll bet theirs isn’t perfect either.
Adventurous sex isn’t something only the young indulge in, so start living rather than waiting to
die. (A bit harsh, I know, but come on!)

I’m happy with how things are/so-so sex

Many people really don’t want great sex. Passionate sex is physically and emotionally powerful, and if
you don’t like losing control, it’s appalling rather than appealing. Intense sex usually means an intense
relationship, and that means intense pain if it all goes horribly wrong. If you’ve been burned in the
past and don’t subscribe to the “better to have loved and lost” theory, you might want to play it safe.
Other people simply have a naturally low libido and can’t really understand what all the fuss is about.
If both of you are truly content to laze around in So-So Sex Land, not wanting to change isn’t a
problem, and you shouldn’t feel any pressure to. There is a problem, however, if only one of you feels
this way, because mismatched sexual expectation and/or fulfillment leaves you wide open to an affair.

What about the kids?

Assuming you’re not planning to put on a floor show at bedtime/use the baby’s pacifier for
unhygienic purposes/lock the kids in the attic for a few days to avoid being interrupted, there are
ways around the child problem. Get a babysitter when you feel like trying something special, and
time quick sex sessions for when they’re engrossed in their favorite TV show. Make friends with
other parents so you can take turns watching the kids, and put a radio beside your bed to drown
out the moans. If (ohmigod, they’ll be scarred forever!) the kids do catch you in the act, don’t panic.
If they’re little, explain calmly that Mommy and Daddy were doing what adults do when they’re
grown up and in love/married. If they’re older, they’ll probably be more embarrassed than you are
 The secrets of
successful sex
• Variety: Try three new intercourse positions
every three months; try at least one new sex
and will have rushed out of the room and slammed “act” per month; vary the order, length of
the door before their brain has even formed the word time, and techniques of foreplay each and
“Gross!”. Avoid the awkward post-discovery moment every session. (Accomplish this by turning
by using it as a springboard to have that birds-and- off the television.)
bees talk or put some good, nonjudgmental and
informative sex books in their room—”just in case” • Quantity: Aim to have a minimum of three
they need them. quick sex sessions and two longer sessions
per month. (Again, turn off the boob tube
I’m just not the adventurous type and time will magically appear.)
We all have different personalities, and while
some people hate routine, others love it. Extroverts • Communication: Teach yourselves to talk
tend to welcome change, introverts dislike it— openly and honestly about your needs and
usually because their confidence level is lower. The wants. Make a pact never to judge anything
more secure you are, the more likely you are to try your partner suggests.
new things because the risks are low. If you fail or
make a fool of yourself, so what? Your self-esteem • Education: Buy at least two sex books a
and ego can take the occasional dent. If you’re the year and look for articles that keep you
one wanting adventure, reassure your partner that abreast of new research.
it’s OK to take baby steps and you’ll hold their
hand all the way. Also make it clear that you’ll • Erotica: Watch sexy movies, read sexy
stop if they don’t like it. books, look at sexy images. Focusing on sex
keeps your libido high. (You can turn the TV
I’m too shy/I’d feel embarrassed on for this one!)
Worrying that you’ll feel like a complete twit during
role-play, look decidedly unsexy in that nurse’s outfit, • Affection: Kissing your partner for just
or just get it “wrong” are natural fears. If you’re not a 20 seconds every day could mean the
person who’s comfortable in the spotlight, being tied difference between make or break for your
up naked with legs and arms splayed probably isn’t relationship. Touch, kiss, and cuddle out of
going to make you feel like your ship has just come bed, not just in it. (TV allowed as long as you
in. The trick to getting through it is to start with the snuggle on the same couch.)
thing you find least scary and work up to doing the
others. If you’re not an exhibitionist, there may be
things you’ll never enjoy. In those cases, let your
partner take the dominant role.
 22 c o m e o n , YO U K N O W YO U WA N T TO !

Orgasm masterclass
A lust lesson for him
I’ve written this feature especially for men, so you can understand her body better and help even
up the orgasm ratio (which currently stands at around three [yours] to one [hers], if she’s lucky and
you’re a great lover). You won’t find the equivalent story for her because there’s no need. Here’s why:

A recent British study found that 80 percent of

women fake orgasms during intercourse.
In the US, 53 percent of women said they
prefer shopping to sex.

Your penis and sexual system is gloriously, wonderfully simple. The penis—the organ that needs
stimulation to produce a male orgasm—is designed to go inside the vagina, where it’s all warm and
snug. Thrusting during intercourse provides the friction needed to stimulate the nerve endings and
before you can say, “Oh God, I think I’m... “, you normally have. Women’s bodies are complicated.
Quite frankly, whoever designed us appears to have been far too focused on the baby part, with far
too little attention given to the making of it.

The clitoris—the organ we need stimulated

to produce an orgasm—isn’t inside the
vagina where it should be, but stuck a
distance away. Since intercourse is usually
the “main event” for most couples, it’s left
looking on in bewilderment, wondering why it
hasn’t been invited to the party. Sadly, this
design fault can’t be corrected the same way
your iPod would, if the wheel in the middle
proved to be a pain in the ass position-wise.
We’re stuck with it—and so are you. This
doesn’t mean women are destined for a
dreadful time in bed, while you lucky devils
live it up. It just means you need to pay
more attention to her orgasm than your own.
 ORGASM MASTERCLASS 25

There’s lots of research into female orgasm. Debate continues over whether there is only one
female orgasm (clitoral) or others (vaginal, “blended”—achieved through simultaneous vaginal and
clitoral stimulation—or G-spot). Nearly all the ‘‘serious” sex experts (sex therapists, sexologists, etc.)
state clearly that all female orgasms are triggered by stimulation of the clitoris. Other “sexperts”—and
women who aren’t—claim there are other ways a woman climaxes that don’t involve the clitoris at
all. From my experience writing and researching sex, I tend to agree with the white-coat brigade.

Since intercourse is usually “the main event,”

the clitoris is left looking on, wondering
why it hasn’t been asked to the party!

For most women, the clitoris must come into direct contact with something for us to orgasm. But this
doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm during penetration alone. For about one-third of all women,
your thrusting inside the vagina can create enough stimulation on the clitoris and the adjacent area
to produce an orgasm from intercourse alone. One theory is that these women have a larger-than-
usual clitoris, or one positioned closer to the vaginal opening than normal. Another is that it’s achieved
with men who use a grinding motion. Others manage to climax from penetration alone by getting
themselves stimulated to the brink of orgasm and use thrusting as a final trigger to push them over
the edge. So if she’s to climax, you need to think beforehand about what’s likely to do it for her—
don’t just assume it will happen. Spanking, fantasy, role-play, phone sex, a cheek-reddening visit to
a swinger’s club (more on these later): all are fabulous for arousal and upping the intensity and
eroticism of the experience so she’s far closer to orgasm. But you may still have to give the clitoris a
twirl around the dance floor before you can both do a congratulatory dip.
Don’t forget about the basics, just because you’re trying new stuff.

The clitoris isn’t the only thing getting attention in the research
Two-thirds
labs. If you want to really impress her, take a tip from recent
studies into pelvic muscle control and their effect on
of women surveyed
orgasm. Traditionally, women have been told to pull in
by a popular website said
and tighten their pelvic muscles just before orgasm, to sex with their partner
ensure a better experience for both of you. Now there’s improved over time,
evidence that doing the opposite—pushing them out— once he “got to know”
could make orgasm more intense. My advice on who to her body.
believe? Try everything and let her make up her own mind
about what works for her!
 26 c o m e o n , YO U K N O W YO U WA N T To !

ORGASM ESSENTIALS
• Good-quality lubricants
Under ideal circumstances, her body produces enough natural lubrication not to warrant adding
any extra—”ideal” meaning she’s healthy, not stressed, it’s the right time of the month, she doesn’t
have a hangover, hasn’t drunk too much or taken any antihistamines to dry up that runny nose
(they dry everything else up, too), and is feeling happy, relaxed, and aroused. Which, let’s face
it, is about one day in twenty. Adding artificial moisture—in the form of a good-quality personal
lubricant—is a sensible way of making sure sex feels pleasurable for both of you. But it’s not just
useful during penetration. If you’re using your hands and fingers on yourself or her, lubrication means
you can maintain a nice, even, steady rhythm because your hands glide more freely with added
moisture. Keep a tube or bottle near the bed to squeeze on the appropriate parts when necessary.

Does orgasm feel the same for men

and women? When researchers asked both
sexes to write a detailed description, the
judges couldn’t tell the difference.

• A vibrator
Vibrators aren’t just for women—really. As a man, you probably assume they’re used purely by
women to masturbate with, and happily leave her to it. Besides, they’re scary-looking things! The old-
fashioned style of vibrators were pretty scary: ten inches long with throbbing, lifelike veins, and made
of squishy, horrible stuff that looked alarmingly like a penis. Except much bigger and much longer
and much wider and... ohmigod, is that what women really want? The answer is no. The old-style
penislike vibrators were designed by men—men who, sadly, didn’t have much idea of what women
wanted. Look at most successful vibrator ranges today (see page 111)—nearly all heavily influenced
by women—and the first thing you’ll notice is that most aren’t even penis-shaped. They’re designed
to stimulate the clitoris, rather than for penetration. Yes, the “Rabbit”—made famous by Sex and the
City—is a firm favorite, but plenty of women turn it around and simply use the clitoral stimulator
rather than insert it. They’ve become more clitoris-focused because few women can orgasm purely
through penetration with no clitoral stimulation. Which means one of you usually has to use your
fingers to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse. This is harder than it sounds. It’s awkward—your
hand gets cramped—and it’s hard to keep the gentle, consistent pressure the clitoris needs when
your hand is being pushed by the thrusting motion. The solution is a small wand-style vibrator. One
of you holds it against the clitoral area during intercourse and voila!, an orgasm during penetration.
For your pleasure, get her to hold it against her mouth during oral sex and hold it against your hand
while you’re masturbating.
TALK HER INTO A BETTER ORGASM
If she’s hovering on the brink of an orgasm but can’t seem to go over that orgasmic edge, some well-
timed, well-executed dirty talk could be just what she needs. Talking dirty is also fantastic for getting
her aroused before you’ve even touched. Ironically, though it’s usually women who shine at talking
tasks, this is something you excel in. (All those porn movies served their purpose.) Talking dirty isn’t
just fun during sex; you can also use it to make time apart less sex-starved, or to tease. Call her when
she’s working late at the office/stuck in rush-hour traffic, detailing what treats are in store for her that
night. If you’re not sure what to say, borrow from erotic books or men’s mags or simply describe
what you’re doing (“I’m undoing my fly as I’m talking to you” or “I can see myself disappearing into
you and it’s really turning me on”). Simple works—you don’t need to be a poet on Ecstasy to do it
well. Generally, the more description, the better—like any good story, it needs detail to come alive.

Now, as you probably know from previous frosty receptions, not all women like it when you talk
dirty. In my experience, however, it’s not the raunchy talk they object to, it’s the style you’ve chosen
(calling her a slut or worse) or the swear words. You don’t have to use swear words or be rude to be
sexy: “I’m going to get down on my knees and pull your panties aside the minute you come through
the door” isn’t offensive and will have the desired effect. If you’d like to be disgustingly filthy but
aren’t sure how she will react, slip in one “bad” word and see what she does. Ask whether she’s
OK with it if you can’t tell if it’s turning her on or off.
2
Why lewd, rude, lecherous, and gloriously uncensored
fantasies are a secret weapon for faithful couples—
and your personal passport to pleasure.
In your dreams
Slippery when wet
 es , gy ra ti ng na ke d hi ps , tu m mies, and
Gorgeous bodi n’ t to uc h” sc en ar io.
thighs... the classi c “l oo k bu t do
 32 I N YOU R DR EAM S

Head sex
Why wicked thoughts about others can
save the relationship you’re in
You want them. You can’t stop thinking about them. If you don’t have them, you’re going to
spontaneously combust with pent-up lust. Just one minor problem: the person you’ve got your eye
on just happens to be your wife’s best friend/your boyfriend’s father/your boss. And it probably
wouldn’t be great if your partner found out. To put it mildly. It’s an impossible situation that is making

We’re all drawn to the “dark side” of sexuality.

We might wrinkle our noses and brand lap
dancers and strippers distasteful when in polite
company, but you can bet your next orgasm
they’ve featured heavily in fantasy land.
you squirm for all sorts of reasons. Want my advice on what to do? Go ahead and indulge, and to
hell with the consequences! Invite the best friend over under some flimsy pretext, ply her with gin
and tonic, then confess the wicked X-rated daydream she stars in. Smile back at that hot-looking
girl who got on the bus and (come on, that was deliberate!) flashed you a glimpse of her (black,
lacy) panties. Get off at her stop. Follow her and have raw, animal sex up against a wall in a
deserted parking ramp. Take a nice cold beer over to the gorgeous man painting your neighbor’s
fence. Say you couldn’t help but notice his great muscles, with his shirt off
and all. Then take him up on his offer to feel how hard they are, let
your fingers linger a little, meet his eyes, and answer the unspoken
invitation by asking him inside. In fact, go right ahead and have
For him,
sex with whoever you want, whenever you want—all at once, if
sex worker fantasies
you wish! There’s only one rule I want to enforce: all the are pure, lusty, selfish
action happens in your head. (And please, God, tell me you sex without morals or
kept reading till you got to this part, rather than rushing out consequence. For her, they’re
the door immediately.) proof she’s attractive;
If he’s willing to pay
Feeling slightly conned? Don’t be. You’d be surprised how
effective fantasy is for satisfying a sexual itch. You get all the
for it, she must
pleasure without the pain of broken hearts and failed relationships.
be good...
 HEAD SEX 35

You won’t be humiliatingly rejected, or discover that what’s under those clothes isn’t quite
what you’d imagined or that the object of your desire gives the worst oral sex you’ve ever
had (the ultimate sin). If you (like most people) struggle with balancing the pros of monogamy
(history, soulmate connection, love, comfort, kids, support) with the cons (no new flesh to press,
having to say no to constant temptation—just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you don’t find
others attractive), a rich fantasy life could offer the solution and keep everyone happy. Ninety-five
percent of us have daily sexual fantasies—yes, even your granny, sitting there innocently knitting,
could be ripping the shirt from that tasty gent who sits next to her at bingo right this moment
(though let’s not dwell on that one).

Don’t edit the contents of your own

fantasies in an effort to make them “normal.”
The whole point of a fantasy is to escape from
rule-bound, politically correct, desire-
squashing social acceptability.

YOUR OTHER LOVER

According to statistics, at some point 85 percent of people fantasize about someone else during sex
with a partner—so there’s no need to feel guilty about that either. While you’re guiltily conjuring up
Brad Pitt, oiled up and on his knees, he’s transformed you into a Pamela Anderson balloon-breasted
blonde with really tacky plexiglass heels. Does it mean you’d both seriously rather be with those
people? Well... for a split second, probably yes. Would you do it in reality? Probably not—99 percent
out of loyalty and 1 percent because the chance will never present itself
(or have I got the statistics the wrong way around?). A fantasy is
nothing but a capricious wish, and most experts dispel the idea
that hot thoughts lead to betrayal—any sex therapist worth The single
their salt will encourage you both to fantasize! In most cases, most potent engine
we have no intention or desire to play them out. Having a driving sexual desire
fantasy is not necessarily a form of planning ahead. is our imagination.
Fantasies are nature’s
So why do we need to fantasize if we’re getting good sex
built-in aphrodisiac for
at home? Most evidence suggests that after the newness
of a relationship wears off, most of our sexual turn-ons do
when your sex life gets
not come from our partner. This doesn’t have to be the case off-track.
(and if you put this book to good use, I can pretty much
 36 I N YOU R DR EAM S

If your boyfriend’s not well hung and you

tell him your fantasy about a guy with
a 12-inch appendage, the enthusiastic shine
in your eyes will be met by an angry glint in his.

guarantee it won’t be), but much of the passion we feel long-term, which leads us to want sex, is
evoked by other people or situations. This does not—and I repeat, does not—mean you or your
partner are going to be unfaithful in real life. It does mean, however, you’re both unfaithful in your
heads an average of 65,000 times per day (a slight exaggeration, perhaps, but you get my drift).

A VIBRATOR FOR THE MIND

When I was 20 and madly in love, I used to mercilessly quiz my then-fiancé: Did he lust after
anyone else? Did he ever think about anyone else? Over and over again. The poor bastard.
He used to reassure me constantly, “No, of course not. You’re the only one I see, the only one
I fantasize about, the only one I dream about.” Twenty-three years later, I realize what a load of BS
that was. The guy was normal! (I was normal, too, and having lots of fantasies about everyone and
anyone, but, of course, applied the universal law that it was alright for me to do it, but not him.) Age
and experience have taught me there are certain questions you shouldn’t ask because your lover will
be forced to lie. And “Do you ever fantasize
about anyone else?” is up there at the top of
the list. If they don’t, they’re abnormal. Far
from harming your sex life, your partner’s
fantasies about other people are helping it
stay active. One study found people who
fantasize during sex feel a greater level of
sexual satisfaction and have fewer sexual
problems, even if the fantasy figure is not
their partner. Another study concluded that
sexual fantasies help many married women
achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during
sex, irrespective of the quality of the love-
making. Fantasies are nicknamed “a vibrator
for the mind” for good reason: fantasizing
during sex can mean the difference between
OK sex and fantastic sex.
Women watch men the way men watch women:
we also home in on the good parts. These images
act as springboards for erotic daydreams.
 HEAD SEX 39

TO CONFESS OR NOT CONFESS

The obvious next question is this: if we all do it, and it’s normal and even encouraged, why don’t
we all just confess our fantasies to our partners? Here’s where expert opinion divides sharply. Some
say yes, some say no. I straddle the fence. I think confessing some fantasies, after carefully thinking
through the consequences (see pages 48–49), can be extremely exciting. But tact is imperative.
If your boyfriend’s not terribly well hung and you excitedly share a fantasy about sleeping with a guy
with a 12-inch, rock-hard appendage, chances are the enthusiastic shine in your eyes will be met by
an angry glint in his. Fantasies about anyone in real life—someone you work with, best friends,
bosses, etc.—are threatening.

Fantasies might be common in humans, but there’s another thing that is just as common: jealousy.
Do you really want to know your husband spends hours dreaming about his colleague naked? No.
Fantasies about celebrities are usually OK (presuming you’re not dating one, with ready access to
said celeb in the green room). As are situational fantasies that include your partner and no one
else—though even they need to be thought through if they involve something like S & M or taking
a different type of shower than the one offered in your bathroom.

DICEY OR JUST DARING

There’s another reason why sharing fantasies often isn’t necessary: they’re private and sometimes
revolve around thoughts we desperately, fervently hope our partner never guesses are whirling
around in our head. Most of the fantasies most of us have, we’d never want to try in reality. So if
you’re worried your imagination is taking you to some decidedly dicey places to visit some rather
seedy characters, don’t worry. In almost all cases, a “weird” fantasy does not translate to your being a
weirdo in real life. Just about all of us are drawn
to the “dark side” of sexuality. We might wrinkle
our noses at lap dancers and strippers, branding
Can you reach orgasm simply by
them “distasteful” when in polite company, but
thinking about sex? Fantasy orgasm,
you can bet your next orgasm they’ve featured
first documented in 1992, proved
heavily in fantasy land. His are fueled by a
the body’s response to an imagery-
sneaky real-life trip with the guys to see one,
induced orgasm was the same as
hers by a secret desire to be one and have all
one brought on by physical touch.
those men finding her completely irresistible...
Research is continuing, and
neuropsychologists believe it could
Fantasies are the butter on the sliced bread
provide a solution for the 43 percent
of your sex life! So put the guilt trip to rest
of women who are dissatisfied in
(if you’re still suffering, turn to pages 60–61)
bed. Further evidence that sexual
and let’s move onto some practical stuff: acting
arousal happens between the
out a selected few, interpreting others, and
ears rather than the thighs!
finding how your partner’s fantasies may differ
very markedly from your own.
40 I N YOU R DR EAM S

Porn vs. plot

His and her sexual fantasies
Here’s something that will surprise you (not): men’s fantasies tend to
resemble porn flicks—instant action, close-ups of bits sliding into bits, graphic
detail, and a focus on the physical. Often they just need one simple image.

Men also tend to fantasize about women they’ve got a chance with in real life. Their leading
ladies are approachable, girl-next-door types (though the odd celeb begging to be taken does
pop up—or down, as the case may be). They’re aware the chance of coming across a neighbor
sunbathing topless, fingers playing along the edge of her bikini bottoms, is a tad more likely than
a naked Angelina Jolie popping by. The higher the real-life probability, the more it arouses them.
Whereas women, on the other hand, have no problems picturing George Clooney frothing at the
mouth at the chance to slip a hand up their skirt.

Women’s fantasies are based more around a situation: they set the scene (hunky repairman
comes to door, etc.), then move on to specific sexual treats (oral sex featuring heavily). There’s
more conversation in women’s fantasies as the narrative unfolds, whereas men tend to pepper theirs
with grunts and groans of “oh, baby” and simple sentences like “look at my big **** disappearing
into your little ****”. Men say they think about things they’ve experienced, whereas women fantasize
mainly about things they have never done. No prizes for guessing why this might be the case. It’s
more acceptable for men to experiment with the sordid side of sex than us “nice girls,” so they’ve
usually got a bigger base of experience to draw from. Men idealize themselves and their body
parts (pecs and penises expand to enormous proportions); women might add the odd inch to an
undersized chest and take some off other parts, but our idealizing is more likely to be done on the
person we’re pulling in the fantasy. It’s no surprise that men fantasize more when they’re not getting
it, but what is interesting is that women do the opposite. We’re more likely to work ourselves into a
lascivious lather when we’re having loads of good sex regularly. This supports a theory about female
sexuality: without stimulation, our libido retreats into a slumber. Use it or lose it—literally.

He thinks “I think most women would be totally shocked if they really

knew what their partner fantasizes about—virtually everyone and everything.
While we’re making small talk with her friends from the office, we’re mentally
undressing every one of them, wondering what it would be like to have their
mouths wrapped around our penis, what it would feel like to be inside them.”
 p orn v s p l ot 41

The Top 20 Male Fantasies The Top 20 Female Fantasies

• Fantasies about previous or anticipatory sex with • Fantasies about previous or anticipatory sex with a
a current partner. current partner.
• A threesome—usually watching two women • Sex with a man other than your partner—
having sex, then joining in. Great if it’s sisters, seducing a friend or friend’s partner is a favorite.
heaven-sent if it’s twins. • Sex with a woman.
• Sex with a woman other than your partner (the • Sex with someone at work.
ultimate: sex with a celeb in front of your friends). • A threesome with two men, both fighting over
• Anonymous, spontaneous sex with a stranger. your glorious body.
• Group sex with a multitude of gorgeous women • Sex with a celebrity.
lining up to give you oral sex. • Being given expert oral sex—under the desk at
• Unending oral sex dispensed by just about work, under the table at a restaurant.
every female you come into contact with. • Sex with a stranger—with a penchant for repairmen
• Anal sex. when you’re home alone.
• Secretly watching a woman undress and • Being found irresistible (a line of male
masturbate. supermodels, especially the ones in the Calvin Klein
• Sex in a public or risky place. ads, jostling to get to you).
• Being seduced by an older woman. • Being a sex worker (the ultimate “nice girl” sin).
• Seducing a virgin. • Romantic fantasies—hot sex in a magical location
• Spying on two other people having sex. like a white, sandy beach.
• Having sex with your friend’s girlfriend. • Being deflowered as a sacrificial virgin.
• S & M—being tied up and spanked or whipped. • Being watched with the voyeur desperate to trade
• Sex with forbidden people—your girlfriend’s places with the person you’re having sex with.
mother, your boss. • Being forced to strip in front of a crowd of men.
• Sex with a sex worker. • Playing Mrs. Robinson and deflowering a male virgin.
• Watching your partner be taken by another man. • Having an army of physically perfect men as sex slaves.
• Sex with another man. • Being “forced” to have sex.
• Being watched and applauded for your sexual • Starring in a porn film—being lusted over worldwide.
expertise. • Being seduced by an authority figure.
• A “pretend” rape scenario. • S & M—being tied up and spanked or whipped.

She thinks “Men have this skewed view that women’s fantasies are all
about handsome masked men, sidling up to us on the street to present us with a flower
and an equally flowery speech about the color of our eyes. In reality, we dream up
dirty, raw scenarios. The guy’s more likely to rip our top open, roughly pull up our skirt,
and perform hot oral sex with fingers in all orifices. And that’s the mild version.”
42 I N YOU R DR EAM S

But what does it all mean?

An analysis of fantasies that leave us wondering
Interpreting fantasies is a bit like interpreting dreams—events and objects symbolize different things
to different people. If you love the ocean, a dream of drifting aimlessly out to sea could represent
freedom. If you get palpitations when dipping your toe in the pool, it’s an anxiety dream, conjuring
up terror rather than tranquil bliss. All our fantasies are individual but tend to have common themes.
I asked a selection of men and women to submit their fantasies for interpretation and picked two
typical examples, and one—incest—that’s a little more unusual and may be a cause for concern.

The fantasy: Watching a roommate have sex

“My fantasy is partly based on something that happened. I came home late one night, a little
drunk, and noticed my roommate’s bedroom door was ajar and the light was on. I crept up to it
and pushed it a little, expecting to find her in bed reading. Her boyfriend was away, so I knew she’d
be alone. Except she wasn’t alone at all. I saw her tied to the bed and a naked man on top of her.
I stepped back but continued watching, initially, to be absolutely sure there wasn’t anything bad
going on. Then I recognized the guy as a colleague of Jayne’s who she’d had her eye on... and
continued to watch, even though she wasn’t in danger.
I found it an incredible turn-on and went back to my room and masturbated. The next day,
I felt guilty, but it still never fails to turn me on. Sometimes in the fantasy, they invite me to join
them. In reality, I’m not attracted to my roommate—or the guy—so what’s going on?”
Helen, 26, a journalist
The analysis: Most people would be
aroused in that situation, if they were
honest! It’s rare that we get the chance to
watch real people have sex. It’s even more
fascinating watching one of our friends:
you know her, but what’s she really like?
Is she a better lover than you are? Throw in
the fact that it’s not just forbidden to watch,
but forbidden sex you’re watching (she’s
cheating on her boyfriend) and you can see
why Helen was turned on. The joining-in
thing doesn’t mean she’s bisexual, just
sexually curious. It also denotes sexual
confidence: she secretly felt she could
teach them both a thing or two!
She was putting on a show but, at the same time, seemed
lost in her own private thoughts. It was unsettlingly
erotic: was I in her head or was someone else?
Shirt off, muscles rippling; I couldn’t stop watching.
Fodder for future Lady Chatterley’s Lover–type solo
sessions, the image of us together before closed eyes.
 b ut w hat does it a l l mean ? 45

The fantasy: Sex with the same sex

“I swear to God, I’m the straightest guy you’ll ever meet, but I have a recurrent fantasy that scares
the hell out of me. In it, I go to a gay club with my gay friends (I’m not homophobic, either) but
instead of just hanging out with them, I go to the restroom and let a guy give me oral sex. I have
no inclination to take it through to real life, but am I secretly gay? I don’t think so, because I love
having sex with women. I just don’t understand why this gets me off.”
Sean, 23, a student

Fantasies allow us the freedom to get

sexually aroused by something without
having to feel guilty or rejected afterward.

The analysis: I think this fantasy actually reflects a healthy attitude to sex. It doesn’t mean Sean’s
gay: it just means he’s bi-curious—a simple curiosity about what it would be like to make love to
someone of the same sex. (We figure if someone’s got what we’ve got, they must know how best to
give us pleasure.) Having gay friends means he’s been in an environment where men freely kiss and
touch—enough on its own to spark sexual thoughts.

The fact that Sean is not homophobic and has great relationships with women also suggests he’s not
gay. It’s interesting, though, that while most women who have same-sex fantasies do nothing to turn
them into reality, men are more likely to do so. It’s because they’re used to being sexual initiators
(and are more likely to find a gay man who’ll take them up on an offer of no-strings sex). This
doesn’t mean all men or even lots of them act out their fantasies; most don’t.

Most adolescent and teenage boys go through same-sex

experimentation (“how far can you pee” competitions and group
Adolescent
masturbation to see who can hit a target, etc.). Young girls
kiss, cuddle, and do much more, so often it’s now seen as
same-sex experiences
completely commonplace. The overwhelming majority of are significant. They’re
people who experiment in this way end up exclusively often our first sexual
hetero as adults. As adults, women continue to kiss, contact, and pleasurable,
cuddle, and snuggle up—it’s totally acceptable. Not so for so they live on in
men. The more taboo Sean makes the fantasy, the more fantasy land, even if
arousing it will be. When he accepts that it’s normal and
we grow up to be
nothing sinister, it will probably take its place as just one
fantasy among many.
heterosexual.
46 I N YOU R DR EAM S

The fantasy: Sex with a sibling

“I used to masturbate to a fantasy about my
brother. My father died when I was young
and my brother assumed the ‘head of the
household’ role and was always bossing me
around. I resented it terribly, but one day,
when I was masturbating, I conjured up a
disturbing image of him coming into my
room and telling me it was his job, as man
of the house, to teach me about having sex
with men. I resisted but he overpowered me,
and the next thing I know I’m enjoying it and
giving in. Over the years, the fantasy moved
on to include oral sex, him tying me up,
whatever. It made our relationship incredibly
difficult. I was repulsed by him and resentful
that he seemed to have ‘taken over’ my
brain. I was so disturbed by it, I eventually went to see a counselor, who explained the reasons why
it might be happening—none of which included me secretly lusting after him. I was so relieved and

stopped fantasizing about it almost immediately. But it still bothers me a bit.”
Emily, 34, a lawyer
The analysis: Of all the fantasies, those involving parents, brothers, or sisters cause us the
most distress—yet it’s a fantasy most people have at some time. Therapist Andrew Stanway says,
“Whenever someone says they don’t fantasize, I suspect I’m not far away from an incest fantasy”—
such is our desperate concern, it can stop us from allowing ourselves to fantasize altogether! Yet when
you consider we learn much about our relationships with the opposite sex by watching an opposite-
sex parent or sibling, it stands to reason that our brains subconsciously cast them in the role of fantasy
lover as well, as a way of safely testing our sexuality. Because incest is such a taboo in our society,
once the thought’s occurred to us to fantasize about such a terrible thing, it’s almost impossible to let
go. It’s a bit like saying, “Don’t think about pink elephants.” That’s all you’ll then think about all day.
Well-meaning but inappropriate behavior from parents or siblings can also cause it. Most kids
around three to five years old go through a stage of wanting to marry their opposite-sex parent (and
wishing the same-sex one would disappear). It’s a crucial stage of growing up: we’re testing how
important we really are—and the resulting lesson, that Mommy and Daddy can’t be split up, teaches
us about love triangles and that some people are unobtainable. If we do win Mommy’s or Daddy’s
affections and attention, it can lead to confusion. If parents act more like partners, our subconscious
starts to think of them in this way, and early fantasies are based on them. Other sibling fantasies may
result from people questioning a close brother/sister relationship—snide comments about “you two
being too close.” The thought’s abhorrent, but once suggested, “pink elephant syndrome” takes effect.
His villa was next to ours. My husband thought I was
looking at the view, and indeed I was. Such physical
perfection. I want to touch him, see if he’s real.
48 I N YOU R DR EAM S

The confessions checklist

Crucial questions to consider

Sharing fantasies requires trust—it’s not something I’d do with a new

partner (unless it’s a purely sexual relationship and the whole idea is to be
as naughty as possible!). Unless you’re 100 percent sure the information
won’t be used against you or repeated to others (and how can you be sure
if you haven’t known them long?), don’t do it. It’s a good idea to consider
all of the following before opening your mouth, to make sure neither of
you is in for any nasty surprises.

When and how are you going to confess the fantasy?

Choose your moment and mentally rehearse what you’re going to say. If you feel uncomfortable
saying it, close your eyes or look away, or consider writing it down. Never make a fantasy a complete
surprise—what turns you on might leave your partner cold. Many a sitcom has got its loudest laughs
from scenarios in which the housewife answers the door dressed as a nurse, to find her husband
standing with his boss, brought home for dinner. It doesn’t just happen in sitcoms.
Is your partner super-sensitive?
Some people react defensively to new sexual requests, taking it as a criticism that your current
lovemaking isn’t enough. If this is the case, use an indirect approach (see “Cunning ploys,” opposite).
Will it make them jealous?
Any fantasies about real people you know or are likely to meet are out for obvious reasons. You can
keep the sense of the fantasy, just make sure the person remains anonymous.
How out there is it?
If you’ve had your fantasy for a while, its initial shock value may have been diluted for you. Anything
that involves sleeping with other people, “fake rape,” some kind of swinging, or S & M could shock
your partner initially, even if you have no desire to act it out. Start with “safe” scenarios.
What do you want to happen after you’ve confessed?
Why are you telling your partner? Do you want to take it through to reality? Are you asking them to
join you or for their permission for you to indulge? Do you want to role-play it with them? Or are you
just telling for a bit of sexy mood-setting? It’s a very good idea to tell the person what you’d like to
do with the fantasy before you tell them what it is.
What if they react badly?
If your partner appears to overreact to a mild fantasy, you may have hit a sensitive spot: it might
remind them of a previous, traumatic experience. Stay calm and talk about the possible reasons why.
 Toxic turn-offs:
• Punishing your partner for suggesting
you try something new: Remember,
people need variety to stay interested. It
doesn’t mean your partner is tired of you,
CUNNING PLOYS TO GET WHAT YOU WANT just that they want a new experience.
(without having to ask outright)
If you’re not the type to say, “Honey, let’s skip the • Refusing to try something reasonable:
dishes and instead you pop on a pair of my lace If it won’t harm you, try not to say no just
panties, pretend you’re a female sex worker, and let because you think you won’t like it. How
me seduce you?”, you might find the following useful. do you know if you’ve never tried it?
There are ways to bring up a fantasy you’d like to
role-play, without having to ask cold—or risk embar- • Making veiled threats to leave or get
rassment. Pick the category you fall into, then white-lie “it” elsewhere if they don’t comply:
your way into the lustiest sex you’ve had in ages... If your partner won’t be persuaded, either
You’re nervous about their reaction: Wait until accept defeat graciously and suggest an
you’re both in a jovial mood, then say you had an alternative (recommended); do it with
erotic dream. Tell them about it (a made-up scenario someone else (dicey at best); or, if you think
based around your fantasy) and see what reaction you can’t be true to yourself unless you have
you get. The more detail they ask for, the more this experience regularly end your existing
interested they are. Take that as your cue to confess relationship and find someone who wants
it’s been a fantasy of yours for ages. Keep the what you do (sometimes necessary).
conversation light-hearted, then ask about their
fantasies. Once you’re both talking, it’s relatively easy
to suggest acting them out for a bit of fun.
Works every time:
You’re not sure about their reaction: Rent a • Suggesting an alternative: If his request
movie with a scene that features or resembles your to watch you mud-wresting your best friend,
fantasy. Watch their face as it’s playing: are they naked, doesn’t appeal, just say no... but make
intrigued or horrified? If they’re watching avidly, it clear you’re open to other suggestions.
snuggle up sexily and say “God, how hot is this!”. Then
move in for the kill (“Hey, I’ve got a great idea”, etc.). • Trying something that doesn’t appeal
You’re reasonably confident they’ll go for it: to you at least once: Lots of people find
Buy your lover a sex book based on or including your role-play embarrassing but then enjoy some
fantasy theme as a present. If they’re shy, let them aspects of it (e.g., spanking, being tied up).
read it alone first before asking which were their
favorite bits. If they’re secure sexually, put Post-it • Respecting not everyone has the same
notes throughout the book on pages or pictures that desires: You don’t expect to be clones in
particularly appeal to you, before wrapping it up. other areas of your life, so why the bedroom?
 50 I N YOU R DR EAM S

Sharing sexy stuff

How to get a fantasy from your head, into your bed
We’d rather die than try some fantasies in reality. But others... well, you might not want to replicate
them exactly, but you’d sure as hell like to capture the tummy-aching, skin-tingling, vagina-moistening,
penis-lifting effect it has on your libido! Role-playing fantasies is one way to get the kick—without any
of the malevolent misfires sometimes experienced by taking them through to real life. Here you’ll
find tips, hints, and example scenarios to help you turn erotic thoughts into sexy, real-life escapades.

Sex play is like any other game—except there

are no losers. You both win with bigger,
better, raunchier orgasms!
Role-play rules
As with every game, following a few basic guidelines will make everything run
much more smoothly.

• It doesn’t have to be a literal translation—symbolism is often all that’s needed. Got a
threesome fantasy? Describing what could be happening if two men were there could give a sense
of having two men doing different things simultaneously.
• Expensive props aren’t necessary, but the more effort you make, the better it usually is. Use
music and different rooms of your house for different scenarios.
• Try to choose fantasies that appeal to both of you, particularly the first
time around.
• Work out the scenario together beforehand: often, that’s Tailor
just as much of a turn-on as acting it out.
the fantasy to her
• Be specific about how “in character” you want each other personality. She’s girly
to be—for some people, slipping back into your usual
selves, even for a minute, destroys the illusion.
and giggly? Try silk
• Don’t worry if you laugh—just keep going. Lust will stockings and gentle
usually overtake the laughter once you start getting into it. threats. Ballsy, cigar-
• Work out an agreed “stop now” signal in case you smoking types go for
don’t like it as much as you thought! Make your “stop” word handcuffs and barked
something that isn’t ever going to be used as part of the role-
play. “Purple” is better than “more” for obvious reasons.
commands.
 sharing se x y s t u f f 53

• Choose your time and place to act out the fantasy: no roommates, dogs begging for
walks, children wanting to know where their Batman suit disappeared to.
• Don’t be scared to start the fantasy in public. Some—like “sex with a stranger”—lend
themselves to the two of you meeting up in a bar before the real action starts. As long as
you don’t dress weirdly or act abnormally, no one ever needs to know.

Blindfolds mean they can feel, smell, and taste

you, but not see what’s happening. Each touch,
kiss, lick is loaded with sensory surprise.

Let the games begin...

These are two popular role-play scenarios to help you bring your fantasies to life. Feel free
to add your own twists and surprises along the way...

THE FANTASY: Deflowering a “virgin”

Why it appeals: It’s a power game with both submissive and dominant roles, each with its pluses.
Men particularly like playing the virgin, after a lifetime of being the sexual persuader.
What you’ll need: If she’s doing the seducing, a “sexy secretary” outfit works well: a long pencil
skirt, shirt unbuttoned to show off a push-up bra, stockings, high heels. Think Mrs. Robinson.
The action plan (her seducing him):
• Get both of you a drink, then take him into
the lounge. He sits on the couch, you sit
Women who rate themselves as good
opposite, crossing your legs and hiking your
lovers fantasize frequently. And if
skirt up. He’s not sure where to look.
you prepare for future sex through
• Make chit-chat to suit the scenario (he’s your
anticipatory fantasies, you’re likely to
friend’s son who’s dropped in to mow the
be more easily aroused and enjoy sex
lawn, or the shy pizza delivery boy), then
more when it happens. Fantasies are
make it saucier. Tell him you don’t think your
just the thing to transform you from
husband finds you attractive. Does he think
tired commuter or worn-out mom
you’re attractive? What parts? Why? Let him
to sultry sex goddess. The right
squirm as he tries to be politically correct—
scenario played in your head could
and hide the erection that is starting to
be just what you need to push you
happen. At which point you say...
over the brink from uninterested
• “You’re looking a little uncomfortable. Let to erotically charged.
me help you.” And you move from the chair
to sit beside him on the couch.
 54 I N YOU R DR EAM S

• You loosen the first two buttons of his shirt, telling him he looks hot
and bothered. Rub your hand against his exposed chest, saying,
“Such soft skin. So different from my husband’s... “. Sexual desire
• As he squirms, you undo the top few buttons of your shirt, can be wickedly fueled
take his hand, and place it on the underside of your breast. by frustration. She’s
Ask him what it feels like and if he likes the feeling. Keep
naked, he’s allowed to
making small talk. Ask him if he’s ever made love to a
woman before. He’ll squeak out, “No.” Ask him if he’d like
watch but not touch;
to make love to you... It’s OK, you won’t tell and no one’s she can have oral
going to walk in. sex but must not
• Ask him to take off your top and your bra. Tell him to touch orgasm.
your breasts and instruct him on how to do it. Moan and sigh,
but you’re still the grown-up, so don’t get too out of control.
• Ask him to stand up in front of you, unzip his pants, and take out his (by
now) throbbing penis. Admire it, say how hard it is compared to men your age, then give
him exquisitely torturous oral sex—stopping just short of orgasm. The idea is to bring him
to a tantalizing peak but not to the point of ejaculatory inevitability (when a dozen vestal virgins
couldn’t stop him from climaxing).
• Undress yourself—theatrically and maintaining eye contact throughout. Let his eyes caress your
body, but don’t let him touch you. Leave on your high heels, stockings, and garter belt. Pose
provocatively, caress your curves. Ask him if he likes what he sees and if he wants to touch you.
• Undress him, then lead him to the bed and promise to explain how to make love to a woman to
make her scream. Honor the promise. Each touch, kiss, fondle, thrust is his very first, remember.
At first he touches reverently, then he’s lost
in a frenzy of passion.

Some classic fantasy scenarios • The fantasy ends when he loses control
completely—which he will in about three
to whet your appetite...
minutes if you’ve played your part properly!
• boss and secretary • burglar
surprises sleeping beauty • biker
gang “forces” innocent girl into doing THE FANTASY: The sex slave
Why it appeals: Having someone under
naughty things • cheerleader and
our complete sexual command has obvious
football team • doctor and nurse
benefits. You don’t have to worry about the
• firefighter rescues very grateful
“no, you first, honey” niceties of sex: it’s all
victim • prostitute and john
about YOUR pleasure. Meanwhile, the “slave”
• police arrest (complete with cuffs)
is “forced” to perform acts they’d secretly love
• priest and nun • rock star and
to try, but wouldn’t dare suggest.
groupie • principal/teacher
What you’ll need to act it out:
with student
For this example, she’s the slave and he’s the
master. Jeans and a leather jacket, undone over
 sharing se x y s t u f f 57

a naked chest, sets the scene nicely. You’ll also need a blindfold, scarves or old stockings
to tie her up, and a wooden spoon or hairbrush. She’s completely naked—helpless and
vulnerable (exactly how you want her!).

Don’t assume that what did the trick the night

before will put a twinkle in their eye the next
day. Our moods and desires change constantly.

The action plan:

• Try to keep an expressionless face. Don’t say, “Are you OK?”, “Did I hurt you?”, “Are you sure
you’re enjoying this?” This isn’t about her, it’s all about you!!! You’re the master, she’s the slave!
• Start by ordering her to do small tasks—get you a drink, fluff up the pillows, give you a massage.
• Don’t ask, order. Make it clear you are the boss and she is not to misbehave or she’ll be punished
(spank her with the wooden spoon or back of the hairbrush).
• Once you’re both nicely in character, order her to sit or lie down, face turned away from you,
blindfold her, and tie her hands behind her back. Push her forward into a submissive position.
She’s now naked, bound, and blindfolded—completely at your mercy!
• Grab your wooden spoon or brush and administer a few short, sharp whacks on her bottom—
even better if she begs you to stop.
• Start caressing her. Reach in between her legs—
wait until she’s moaning for more, then stop.
• Tell her you decide what she gets and Sexual fantasies usually revolve
when—and she has to satisfy you first.
around control, and the amount
• Turn her around and order her to pleasure of power the person has in real life
you. She can use her mouth; untie her hands
often dictates how much they want
if you want, but keep the blindfold on.
in their fantasy life. After a day of
• No matter how pleasurable, punctuate her
being the top decision-maker, being
stimulation of you by pushing her away when
bossed around in the bedroom
she seems to be enjoying herself the most.
could be a CEO’s idea of power
Tell her she’s been a bad girl.
paradise. Someone who’s bullied
• Tease her: start to give her oral sex, then
relentlessly by superiors will usually
stop. Push your fingers inside her and when
opt for a rapturous role reversal
she starts thrusting against them, stop.
where they get to wield the
• The fantasy ends by you announcing whip (perhaps literally).
(dramatically) that she’s now free from her
slavery—to service you.
60 I N YOU R DR EAM S

Guilty pleasures
(Seriously, do you think I’m weird for thinking that?)
Now here’s a comforting thought: no one has figured out how to read
minds yet. Which means it doesn’t really matter what filthy thoughts
are floating around in there!

If you choose, no one but you need know about your fantasies. If they bring you pleasure, cause
no one else pain, and worry you simply because they’re a little politically incorrect or “weird,” my
advice would be to give yourself permission to go for it! Still concerned? Then keep reading...

What if I don’t like a fantasy and want it to stop?

Our fantasies, like the rest of our lives, are influenced heavily by what’s happened to us. It’s a lucky
person who sails through without negative experiences, and these creep into our sexual scripts.
Often, simply understanding where an urge comes from can stop you from worrying. (An upsetting
spanking at school might cause you to fantasize about it later, for instance.) But if the remorse and
confusion post-fantasy outweighs the pleasure you get during it, you can actively banish it. If you’re
masturbating and the fantasy pops into your head, stop and consciously think of something else that
doesn’t cause you angst. Replace old fantasies with new ones by masturbating while reading and
watching erotica. During sex, focus on the here and now: how your lover’s touch feels. If it helps, tell
them how wonderful what they’re doing feels. It’s like breaking any other habit—you need to retrain
your brain. Keep at it for a while and it should naturally slip away. If it doesn’t and you’re still worried,
consider seeking professional help.

Am I weird if my fantasy is weird?

We’ll often fantasize about things contrary to our core personality (Ms. Goody Two-Shoes becomes the
star of a particularly dirty orgy) simply because they revolve around something we wouldn’t dare do in
real life. There is no evidence at all to support that simply fantasizing about something leads you to act

Finish the fantasy... You’ve checked in to a nice hotel and

discover that it has erotic films. This makes you feel decidedly sexy, so you
call for a massage. You take a bath and put on a robe over your naked body,
and there’s a knock at the door. You forget the film is playing, and as the
man is setting up the table, you see him stealing glances at the screen. You
lie down and he says, “Exactly what sort of massage would you like?”...
 gui lty p l easures 61

on it. Deviant fantasies can be an indicator of true sexual deviancy, but it’s invariably coupled with real-
life symptoms as well. So long as you can distinguish between fantasy and reality, it’s not a fixation
(see below), and you’ve got no desire to take it through to real life, there isn’t usually a problem.

What If I don’t have fantasies?

Some people are great cooks, others can’t quite get the hang of the toaster. Same deal here.
Creative people conjure up vivid, technicolor fantasies with intricate plot twists, scene changes, and
mood-lighting tweaks. Others have problems imagining themselves walking across a room. If you’re
the latter, try focusing on your favorite erotic scene from a movie or book, then individualize it. Put
yourself in the lead role. Change it to suit you. Train yourself to pay attention to any sexy thoughts.
Write them down, look for a theme, then think up a simple storyline based around that. See “Finish
the fantasy” (below) for inspiration and, remember, a fantasy can be one simple image. It’s also not
compulsory to have them, by the way. If it doesn’t do much for you, so be it. Some people adore
poring over vacation brochures, making endless plans about what they’ll do when they get there.
Others buy tickets at the last minute, throw a T-shirt and sunscreen into a bag, show up, and see
where it takes them. There’s no right or wrong.

What if I fantasize too much?

It’s a bit like asking if you masturbate too much. Assuming you’re not interrupting an important
meeting to relieve yourself in the washroom, your genitals aren’t decreasing in size from too much
rubbing, and you’re able to watch a whole DVD without putting it on pause (and I’m talking Disney,
not Debbie Does...), there is no such thing. If your fantasies aren’t hurting anyone and you just have
an active imagination, imagine away! Fantasizing keeps you on sexual simmer, which means your
libido is alive and ready for action. How can that be bad? But if you only get aroused and orgasm by
focusing on one particular fantasy, you could be heading for problems. It’s the head equivalent of a
fetish—when a person needs a particular object (like a lover wearing high heels) to achieve sexual
satisfaction. Warning signs are needing, rather than wanting, the fantasy to arouse you, being more
interested in the fantasy than your lover, or if your lover complains of you feeling detached or
unconnected during sex. If this is happening, seek professional advice.

You’re in an empty train car. An attractive girl gets on and sits across
from you. She smiles but doesn’t speak, just pulls out a book that, Judging
by the cover, is an erotic novel. As she reads, she steals glances at you, then
rearranges herself so her skirt hikes up. She sees you watching and deliberately
exposes more flesh. You take a chance, and put a tentative hand on the
inside of her knee. She parts her legs, giving you permission to proceed...
3
The quickest way to dust off and spark up a
musty sex life? Take sex out of the bedroom
and head outside for a risqué romp!
Going alfresco
turn up the heat
 ea r less, w ork less, dr ink m ore, play more—
Summer: we w
ink abou t se x alm ost as often as we breathe.
and th
The sun makes you feel lazy and languid, the
rhythmic pounding of the sea does the opposite,
sparking lively fantasies of a sexy stranger who
finds you sprawled on the rocks alone...
 S E X A N D T H E G R E AT O U T D O O R S 67

Sex and the great outdoors

How to make love in public without getting arrested
Breathe some fresh air into your love life—literally. The fear of discovery, pounding heartbeats,
that delicious jolt of adrenaline when you think someone’s coming (and it’s not either of you two).
Anyone who’s ever had sex outside knows just how fantastic it can be. And as for that pesky
problem of its being illegal to have sex in public (if you’re caught and reported, you could go to jail),
there are ways to indulge in alfresco sex discreetly. It’s called being sensible. Assess each situation
carefully, stay fully clothed (well, as much as possible), and use props to hide behind. A picnic
blanket, sarong, or beach umbrella can disguise a multitude of naughty acts; if you’re really shy,
try a tent! It provides the privacy you need but still feels as though you’re on display. Give one
(or all) of the following a whirl...

Sex in a tent is legal—you’re not in public view.

But “doing it” as you hear others walking past,
dangerously close, feels wonderfully wicked.

ON OR IN THE CAR
How you do it: Yes, you could slip into the backseat and enjoy relative privacy, but it’s far, far, far
sexier to do it on the car hood. She sits on the hood and he stands in front of her. She then wraps
her legs around his waist to let him penetrate, then leans back on the hood, balancing herself with
her arms. One word of caution, though, before you eagerly jump on board: the hood is made of
metal. If you’ve been driving for a long time, it could be bottom-burningly
hot. If you’ve been parked for a while and it’s winter, it’ll turn your
cheeks to ice. Warm up the engine for five minutes or put a
coat down to lean back on.
Why you’d risk it: It’s uber-erotic because not only do
“When you’re
you risk getting caught, it’s the sort of thing teenagers do. choosing between
You both recapture the heady thrill of adolescence, feeling two evils, always
wild, free, and terribly ungrown-up. try to choose the
Chances of getting caught: Choose a suitably quiet one you haven’t
street or country road and the chances are low. Besides, tried before.”
you’ve got your getaway right there. If a car appears from
Mae West
nowhere, both drop down and pretend to be examining
a flat tire.
 68 going a l f resco

ON TOP OF A PICNIC TABLE

How you do it: Head to the park just at dusk, when everyone else (especially families) is leaving
to go home. Pack supper, find a sturdy table provided in the picnic area, have a feast, then clear the
table and devour each other! It’s easy to accomplish this one: she lays back on the table and wraps
her legs around his waist with him standing in front of her. This position works because she’s facing
one way, he’s facing the other, so you can keep an eye out for intruders in each direction! If you can’t
find a table, have sex spoon-style (he penetrates from behind) while wrapped in the picnic blanket.

It’s raw sex at its best, but not the best way
to try out that new extend-an-orgasm technique.
The problem with standing positions is that
his penis isn’t the only thing that gets stiff...

Why you’d risk it: I’m not a huge believer in all the supposed “hot spots” that continue to be
“discovered” on the female body. On the other hand, anything that inspires you to try something
new is fine by me! The picnic-table position is ideal for stimulating the supposed A-spot: the anterior
fornex erogenous, which is just above the cervix at the innermost point of the vagina. In 1996,
scientists “accidentally” hit on this hot spot while trying to find a cure for vaginal dryness. During
their research, they found that 95 percent of women were massively aroused when this area was
stimulated. Nearly all the female participants
said it led to more intense and frequent climaxes,
and many women had their first orgasm! The
Low-risk public sex venues:
research methods that produced this astonishing
• Relatively quiet public restrooms
result have since been questioned, but there’s
(and lots of them so people aren’t
no harm in mounting a little expedition anyway!
kept waiting) with locks on the doors.
Chances of getting caught: High. There’s
• Your backyard.
also no mistaking what you’re up to if someone
• A public park at night under
does stumble upon you, and picnic tables tend
a blanket.
to be found in reasonably public areas, rather
• In the car in a parking ramp that
than in secluded countryside. Attempt under
isn’t regularly patrolled.
cover of darkness only in a secluded park.
• A rooftop.
• On a boat.
• The balcony of a hotel. UP AGAINST A TREE
How you do it: She stands, leaning back
• A little-used stairwell.
against a tree, and he stands in front of her. She
then puts her arms around his neck and wraps
Near-naked bodies, sun, feeling weightless in
the water. It’s hardly surprising that swimming
makes even confirmed celibates dream about sex.
 S E X A N D T H E G R E AT O U T D O O R S 71

her legs around his waist. For balance and support, she keeps her
back firmly pressed against the tree and hangs onto any strong-
Forget winning looking branches. If that all sounds far too energetic, cheat!
the lottery. Recent Get her to wrap one leg around his waist and keep the other
studies show more on the floor. He should hold onto her thigh/s.

and better sex with Why you’d risk it: Penetration is deep, snug, and tight

your partner, rather because most of her weight is bearing down on his penis
and her vagina is angled. If she squeezes her thigh muscles,
than lots of money, is she gives him super-tight friction. It’s primal sex at its very best
what will make but still probably not the position to try out that new extend-an-
you happier. orgasm technique. Standing positions tend to work only for
quickies because his penis isn’t the only thing that gets stiff.
Chances of getting caught: The bigger the woods, the more
chance you have of finding a tree that is isolated. Keep an ear out for the
telltale snapping of twigs (someone walking the dog) and it’s not too difficult to untwine, fix your
clothes, and pretend you’re having an innocent smooch. Okay, they might make a big swerve around
you, sniff disapprovingly, or look embarrassed, but they’re only jealous!

ON A SWING
How you do it: If she’s a good (naughty) girl, she’ll have thought to wear a long, loose skirt and no
panties. She lifts the skirt and sits forward on the seat. He stands in front, feet squarely placed on the
floor, holds the sides of the seat firmly, and draws her to him to penetrate. It’s then simply a matter
of his swinging her back and forth while he remains standing still.
Why you’d risk it: It’s fun! You’re bound to
end up laughing, reminding yourselves of the
fun you used to have as a kid. Chances are you
Sex outside—the rules:
won’t achieve deep penetration because of the
• Dress for sex (floaty skirts, no
difficulty in coordination, but that’s not a bad
underwear, zip rather than button
thing. All of the nerve endings—or sensory
flies, uncomplicated bras).
receptors—in the vagina are located within
• Avoid arrest by being aware of the
an inch or so of the vaginal entrance.
laws in the country you’re in.
Chances of getting caught: You may get
• Have a code word or look that
away with it in a playground late at night, but—
alerts you both to opportunities.
and it’s a BIG but—if you get caught and
• Forget foreplay and instead use lube.
reported, you’ll risk arrest for being way too
• Plan your escape and what to
adult in a children’s zone. Playgrounds are often
say if you get caught.
in residential areas. If the neighbors might be
• Don’t do it if being caught
suspicious if you install a swing in the garden,
would be a nightmare.
consider buying a sex swing that you suspend
from the ceiling indoors.
74 GOING ALFRESCO

Outdoor sex... indoors

For those who don’t dare do it alfresco

Some people are out the door with half their clothes ripped off the second
you suggest having sex outside. Others aren’t quite so adventurous. While
you’re revelling in the might-get-caught, rough-and-readiness of sex alfresco,
they’re peering worriedly over your shoulder, rather than gazing lustily at
your breasts. Then there are the “Princess and the Pea” types—a pebble
the size of a pinhead pricks their bottom, or it’s one degree below balmy
and the whole thing’s ruined. And yes, I am speaking from experience.

“Let’s do it right here, right now,” I said to my new (sort-of) boyfriend, Richard. “What, here?” he
said, looking around him with disbelief, as though we were standing in the middle of a department
store during the after-Christmas sale and I’d suggested a bit of hanky-panky in the clearance aisle.
We were, in fact, sitting at a picnic table near a river in pitch-darkness at midnight, a good five-minute
walk from the dreadful resort (his choice) we were staying in. Since it was populated by people who
took their teeth out and removed limbs at night, I dare say we’d have had time to get ourselves
together even if we did hear an aluminum walker moving stealthily down the path.

To be fair, I may have sounded less than enthusiastic: it was a last-ditch attempt to save a struggling
relationship, rather than a spontaneous impulse inspired by lust. The man I initially thought had high
standards turned out to be persnickety. Who, on a supposed “dirty weekend,” folds their underpants,
color-codes their socks, and arranges their products with labels lined up on the shelf in the
bathroom? (Who, while we’re at it, takes back empty glass bottles and asks for the 5-cent deposit?)
“What’s wrong with having sex here?” I repeated defensively. “It’s dirty!” he said, horrified. “And the
table’s hard and what are those white splats on it? And if you’re thinking of doing it on the ground,
well, that’s wet and cold and awful. Is that what you were thinking of?” he said, fixing me with an
“I knew you were weird” stare.

If you’re dating a Richard (please tell me you haven’t married one!) or linked up with a nervous
Nellie, it still doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the excitement of sex outside. Simply recreate
the urgency of fast, furious, have-to-hurry sex by indulging in a few inventive indoor quickies. Adding
some quick sex sessions into the mix is a great way to improve your sex life generally. Quick sex is
better than no sex—and that’s often what happens with busy couples. Quickies keep you connected
as a couple and ensure that your appetite for sex stays high. Here’s how:
 O u tdoor se x . . . indoors 75

Do it in DIFFERENT places
A quickie in bed, where you always have sex, doesn’t
Orgasm in five
quite have the exotic flavor you’re after. It needs to be minutes flat
somewhere unorthodox, where you haven’t ever (or
don’t usually) have sex. Try any of the following and, • Use lube: This is a must. There’s no
to make it really interesting, put a time limit on it. No time for the vagina to lubricate naturally
more than five minutes from start to finish—and and sex will be painful without it.
remember, a quickie can be intercourse, oral,
or hand stimulation. • Add a vibrator: Holding a vibrator on the
• The kitchen: She sits on the counter, he stands clitoral area is the quickest, most efficient
in front of her. Even better if you have to push dirty way for a female to orgasm. If you’re
dishes roughly out of the way to make room. having oral sex, hold it against his cheek.
• The bathroom: Standing up in the shower, in the
tub, or her standing with legs apart, hands on the • Switch stimulation: If something doesn’t
sink for support, as he enters from behind. feel right within a minute, try something
• The powder room: An odd choice, admittedly, else. Alternate between tongues, hands,
but that’s why it’s a good choice! Pretend your intercourse, toys.
parents have come for lunch and you’ve snuck
in there while they’re strolling around the garden. • Do something new: We quickly become
Add to the fantasy by leaving clothes on and simply desensitized to sexual sensations and
unzipping and pulling panties to one side. experiences, which is why the first time
• The laundry room: Time it when the washing for anything is often the best. New equals
machine is on the spin cycle and it turns into erotic. Add something different to your
a seat-size vibrator! repertoire: tie each other up, wear
• The stairs: Doing it on the stairs is ideal if height something sexy, put on a sexy movie.
differences stop you from using certain positions.
If one stands a few steps up and the other a few • Do it yourself: No one is as expert at
steps down, heights magically even out. giving you an orgasm as you are yourself.
• The garage: A sneaky way to get the thrill If you’re finding it hard to tip over the
of doing it outside, without the complication brink, finish yourself off and suggest that
of actually being seen by your neighbors. Just your partner does the same. It doesn’t
be a tad careful where you put your hands, mean you aren’t good lovers, just that
feet—and bottoms. DIY gets a quicker result!
 th e s i x a l l - t i m e b e st o u td o o r s e x e x p e r i e n c e s 77

The six all-time best

outdoor sex experiences
Do you score four or more?
Just as there are certain sex acts that shouldn’t be missed, there are places you should have been
naked in. If you can check all six boxes, you instantly win the title of Mr./Ms. Adventurous. Four
shows healthy experimentation, three is usual—and anything under inexcusable. You did say you
wanted great sex, didn’t you? Notch a few of these up on your bedpost and you might just get it!

Nearly everyone has stumbled half-naked into

a hot tub after a drunken dinner party. Who knew
what went on under the cover of bubbles?

1. THE FEEL OF SUN ON NAKED FLESH

Why it feels great: Some claim the only time our bodies are truly at peace is when the sun beats
down on us, because the sun’s and body’s biorhythms are the same. But it’s not just the rays that
make sex in the sun unbeatable. We’re permanently worked up by a combination of sensual triggers.
People prance around in next to nothing during
summer, providing a feast of flesh; a tan makes
even the body-conscious feel good about being
Vacation sex packing list:
naked (as my brother says, brown fat looks
• Condoms.
better than white fat). Spreading sunscreen on
• Birth control times two (one in
each other is drop-dead sexy—continuing to rub
hand luggage, one in suitcase—try
parts that don’t need it, even more so. Heat and
explaining “diaphragm” in Italian).
humidity make us slow down: we’re too relaxed
• Lube.
to move, too laid-back to lift a limb, and happy
• Sunscreen (a sunburn stops you
to lie back and enjoy lazy, languid lovemaking...
from touching, let alone having sex).
delicious!
• Thrush cream (wet swimsuits create
Recreate it inside: Do it in front of the fire.
the perfect environment).
Pretend you’re stars of one of those cheesy 80s
• Antibiotics for cystitis (nicknamed
movies: first you’d see a bra flung on a chair,
“honeymoon disease” for
then a pair of high heels, then two half-drunk
a reason).
glasses of champagne. Then, finally, a couple
making out on a deep sheepskin rug, fire
 78 going alfresco

sparkling prettily in the background. Yes, it sounds cheesy, but anyone who’s tried it has to admit it
feels extraordinary! There’s a reason why those thick carpets were called “shag-pile.” People spent more
time lying on them than walking on them because they felt so damn comfortable. Besides, firelight is
massively flattering, and being naked in front of a fire, terribly decadent. Anyone for a martini?

Swimming pools provided many women with

their very first orgasm. We’d position the jet
right on the clitoris and quietly climax.
2. DOING IT IN WATER OR ON THE BEACH
Why it feels great: In water, we’re gloriously weightless. Everyone feels light and buoyant in mood
and body (not to mention thin). The squeamish get an extra bonus: having sex in water guarantees
everything is clean and fresh. Sex on the water’s edge makes us feel like we’re starring in From Here
to Eternity; the smell of salt and the sea and the sound of water lapping (along with your partner)
stimulate other senses. Nearly everyone’s had a post liquid-dinner-party semi- (or completely) naked
hot-tub experience—and even if people’s toes and hands didn’t accidentally float our way, the
prospect was excitement enough. Swimming pools, innocent as they appear, provided many a young
girl with her very first orgasm. She’d position herself so the jet of water flowed directly on her clitoris
and quietly climax, appearing to be dreaming away, lost in thought.
Recreate it inside: Solo, use a hose showerhead attachment and direct the flow of water where
you need it most. Try changing the water temperature (hot to cold) and strength (hard and fast to a
teasing dribble) for variety. Sex in the bath or shower might not rival sex on a beach, but it comes in
a sexy second place. In the shower, get her to lean back on the wall, one leg raised high, the other
on the floor for balance. He supports her raised leg with his hand.

3. AT ONE WITH NATURE

Why it feels great: You’re out in the middle of nowhere
(a forest/desert) and suddenly you get an “I’m so happy Solve the
to be alive!” rush, because it’s just the two of you and sand-in-all-the-wrong-
Mother Nature. If you’re under the shelter of a tree or in a places problem when
tent, a menacing storm or copious rain only makes it even having sex on the beach
more cozy and intimate. Our libidos rise when we’re outside:
by getting her to kneel
fresh air makes us feel energized and healthy, and the child
in us associates being outdoors with freedom. As youngsters,
on all fours. He kneels
we went outside to play “doctors and nurses,” as teens to and then penetrates
sneak our first smoke or cop a feel behind the school building. from behind.
Our subconscious remembers all of this for us and taps us on the
 th e s i x a l l - t i m e - b e st o u td o o r s e x e x p e r i e n c e s 81

shoulder (or on another part) to remind us and to suggest we do wicked things.

Recreate it inside: Go outside when it rains, jump around like kids until you’re thoroughly
drenched, then go inside and have sex in the shower or the bathtub. Alternatively, pitch a tent in
your yard (if you’re childless, do it under cover of darkness, and if the neighbors ask about the tent,
say your niece and nephew were visiting).

Posh places make us determined to make the most

of where we are. We get so used to getting what
we want, the usual rules don’t seem to apply.

4. ON VACATION SOMEWHERE EXCLUSIVE AND EXPENSIVE

Why it feels great: Few things beat playing “LA movie producer” and sitting on a sun lounger,
next to a fabulously excessive swimming pool, cocktail in hand and waiter hovering close by ready
to top it off after every sip! Few of us are so rich we can loll about in luxury every day, so when we
are staying somewhere glitzy, we’re also in a great mood. Having already grabbed all the freebie
shampoos and slugged the complimentary bubbly, you’re looking for other ways to make the most
of where you are. The urge to be “naughty” is strong and the elevator/hallway leading to your room/
gardens surrounding the pool morph into enormous king-size beds, begging to be romped on. You’re
both looking your best, making an effort to dress up for dinner, and because you’re abroad and
anonymous, you’re more likely to do something risky. We drink more when away from home,
loosening those inhibitions further, and stay up later because there’s no work the next day.
Recreate it inside: If you’ve got some cash to spare, take yourselves out to a ritzy hotel bar or
restaurant, wine and dine, then search till you find relatively private/quiet bathrooms where you
can hide for a quick five minutes. If money is tight, buy one or two
indulgent treats you wouldn’t normally spend money on (such
as gourmet chocolate, expensive wine, a rich chocolate cake,
organic strawberries), climb into bed, and feed each other. Sunshine is
Feeling spoiled and removed from the “everyday” evokes nature’s Viagra. Levels
the same feelings. of hormones responsible
for our sex drive rise
5. IN A FAMOUS PLACE OR LANDMARK during hot weather, and
Why it feels great: You’re standing in front of or in
sweating releases
a place you’ve been desperate to go to your whole life.
Regardless of whether it’s a hotel in Vegas, a balcony with
pheromones, a powerful
a view of the Statue of Liberty, a palace, or Uncle Fred’s back attractant.
porch, there’s enormous emotional significance attached to the
 84 going alfresco

moment. Having sex in, near, or looking at a longed-for destination or landmark can turn an
amazing experience into an out-of-this-world one. You’re still not truly convinced you’re there,
so everything seems surreal and in slow motion. And even if the sex wasn’t technically that
great, it gets stored in the “sex experiences never to be forgotten” category because you’re
fulfilling a lifelong fantasy.

Try something at least three times. The first

time you’re concentrating on getting it right, the
second, ironing out glitches, the third... bliss!
Recreate it inside: It sounds silly, but sometimes even watching a video or looking at photos can
nudge naughty memories. Help it along by talking dirty to each other, describing what you did and
how it felt at the time. Build on this to create a fantasy, adding things you wish you had done. Then
plan a trip to another special place, focusing on what sort of sex you’ll have there.

6. IN A CEMETERY
Why it feels great: Some of you will recoil in horror at this entry; others (the ones like me, who
were obsessed with spirits, Goths, and The Omen as pimply youths) will completely understand.
Having sex in a graveyard is the ultimate bad thing to do—which is why lots of us did it in our teens.
Me included. I was going out with a minister’s son (don’t laugh) and one night we ended up
wandering around the graveyard, drinking and
smoking and having sex. Shocking now because
the moral implications are clear, but at 18 I spent
Feeling stressed and depressed?
half my life with one finger attached to a glass
Have more sex! It seems semen
hopefully placed on a Ouija board. Even if you’re
contains dopamine, the “pleasure”
not a delusional teen, a cemetery makes people
neurotransmitter that makes us feel
feel sexy because it’s creepy (which makes us
cuddly and snuggly. Research shows
want to stay close) and it reminds us of our own
that women (in monogamous
mortality (promoting an “I might as well do it
relationships) who have sex condom-
because I might be dead tomorrow” attitude).
free report lower levels of depression.
They’re also often deserted, especially at night.
Being touched by someone special
How to recreate it: Go to a theme park and
reduces stress by reducing the
choose a heart-stopping ride. Research shows
level of cortisol (a hormone we
people who go on daring dates, like skydiving,
produce under pressure)—so
end up more attracted to the person than if
caresses also calm us.
they’d done the usual dinner date. Alternatively,
have sex during a scary movie.
Wonderfully weightless, buoyant in mood and body,
sex underwater is worth busting a lung over.
4
Take your sex life from dull to daring—
without ruining your relationship. Cunning ways
to up the “kink”’ factor and enjoy lust AND love.
Isn’t that a bit,
umm... kinky?
driving miss sexy
 A sexy red sports car. The top off. Within
seconds, his hands are inching up hers.

lle d ov er on a de se rt ed st re et , the car

Pu udoir.
transforms into a bounteous bo
Learn to let go and literally kick your heels up. It’s
totally possible to push way out of your comfort zones,
without ever putting your relationship at risk.
 k in k y S E X 91

Kinky sex
Why it will save your sex and love life
One blustery winter day, I was walking down the street with an ex who’d become a good friend,
about to go for Sunday lunch. It was cold, so I put my hand in my coat pocket, feeling around
hopefully for a pair of gloves. “Thank God for that, I’m freezing,” I said cheerily, pulling out what
was in there and waving it in the air. Except it wasn’t my gloves. Instead, I was waving a pair of
my panties—ones I’d hastily shoved in my pocket the night before. “Oh,” he said, a tad dejectedly.

It’s a depressing reality that we often have the

naughtiest, raunchiest sex with someone
we don’t care that much about.
“Must have been a good night last night.” It was. I’d been out to dinner with my current squeeze: a
guy I liked (and loved sex with), but who I had no desire to make long-term. Somewhere between
the entrée and the dessert (and a few drinks), I’d brazenly removed my panties (at the table, without
even attracting attention—how about that!), to allow some erotic activity underneath the tablecloth. It
was edgy, dangerous, and as hot as hell. It was also something I’d never have dreamed of doing with
my ex. “So how come you do that stuff with the new guy but never did with me?” my ex asked
miserably a bit later. “Because I felt comfortable with you,” I said. “You felt like my matching
bookend.” He looked confused, but sadly, I wasn’t.

The best sex encounters in our lives usually aren’t with people we
love. This isn’t just because we’re worried they’ll decide we’re too
sleazy/sordid to raise kids, it’s because it’s harder to have gritty
sex with someone we adore. Feeling accepted, familiar, like We spend
our partner is an extension of us, makes for a fantastic an average of
relationship. But by removing all the fear and tension, sex two to three minutes
moves from being “charged” to comfortable. Not good. per day having sex—
As Jack Morin says in his book The Erotic Mind, “The
and around two hours
messy reality is that it’s harder to have good sex with
someone you love. The idea that finding one’s true love
watching TV. It’s clear
will automatically lead to a lifetime full of satisfying,
which one we find most
combustible sex is a ‘hearts and flowers’ mentality. In truth, entertaining.
relationships, sex, and eroticism are infinitely more complicated.”
92 I S N ’ T T H AT A B I T, U M M . . . K I N K Y ?

WHY BAD SEX IS GOOD SEX

Sex seems to suffer when people become closer and more
compatible, possibly because we lose our sense of “otherness.” Feeling depressed?
We’re less likely to think about our own needs and get far too
caught up in satisfying theirs. However sweet and caring this
Give him oral sex—
is, it’s not helpful when you’re trying to spark fireworks rather
and swallow. Research
than stoke a gently burning flame. Outrageously good sex suggests semen acts as
usually has some factors we think of as “negative”: guilt, rule- an antidepressant
breaking, fear of being caught, forbidden elements, being because it contains
selfish about our pleasure, doing something we know our mood-improving
friends would be horrified by (well, we like to think so, anyway).
This type of sex usually happens in sex-for-sex’s-sake relationships,
hormones.
one-night stands, affairs, and during risky sex with someone we really
shouldn’t be with. Usually. There are some couples out there who manage to
balance intimacy and excitement, getting the best of both worlds. And they haven’t had to
compromise monogamy or pool their friends’ car keys for a spot of old-fashioned swinging, to
introduce these elements into a loving relationship. All they’ve done is upped the “kink” factor.
And if you want great long-term sex, that’s what you need to do.

BEYOND THE COMFORT ZONE

Now, before you dismiss me and my suggestion as unthinkable, hear me out. Let me first define what
I mean by the word “kinky.” Yes, I am talking about exploring what society brands as “taboo” sexual
activities, but there’s a way of doing it that doesn’t involve extra bodies in the bed (see pages 132–
33), risking arrest, or catching something
nasty. It is possible to push yourselves way
out of your comfort zone without putting your
relationship at risk. The aim of this book (but
most particularly this chapter and the next)
is to teach you how to capture the sense of
“kinky,” but still be sensible about it. Some
things I’ll suggest aren’t even thought of as
“out there” by most sexually adventurous
people. Spanking, anal stimulation, talking
dirty, blindfolds, and tie-up games—most
of us have tried all or some of these things.
But often not with a long-term partner—and
couples who are still doing them ten years
in are truly rare. My advice: bring it all back!
Then introduce some other, more risqué
activities. Threesomes, swinging, same-sex
S & M, threesomes, swinging, same-sex sessions, shoe
fetishes—it is possible for you both to indulge in all of
these activities but still never be unfaithful. Yes, really.
 k in k y S E X 95

sessions, fetishes—you and your partner can indulge in all of these activities but still never be
unfaithful. Yes, really. It’s called dipping a toe in, rather than diving in at the deep end. Doing just
enough to get the heart pumping with fear and your brain throwing up thoughts like, “Should we
really be doing this?” but not so much as to plague you with destructive post-event regrets.

ASK AND YOU MIGHT GET!

To put all this into practice—and in doing so transform your sex life to permanently perfect—there
are two things you’ll need: the right attitude and the ability to talk easily about sex with your partner.
Learning how to tell your partner what you want sexually is one of the most challenging and
rewarding skills you can develop. You need to ditch the notion, however romantic, that they’ll
intuitively know how to please you because they love you. Or that you’ll hurt their feelings by
wanting more than they’re providing. Most men pray for the suggestion of any form of sexual variety
and often feel condemned for daring to want it. They’re constantly being told that to satisfy their
partners, they have to make love like a woman. But however many rose petals he scatters across the
bed, it’s still only going to produce “Oh, sweetheart!” feelings of love, not the jangly, frenzied, fervid
stirrings of passion I’m talking about here. Women are slightly less open to risky activities—but more
because we’ve been brainwashed to think they are “unladylike” than out of lack of desire to try them.
Put us in a loving, open, trusting relationship where we know we’re not going to be judged, and we
can be just as down-and-dirty as the boys.

For a moment, try forgetting what your mother/the church/your bossy big sister and brother/your
boring ex-partner/preachy, puritanical papers have told you. Wipe the slate clean and imagine a
world where anything (that doesn’t cause you or your partner emotional or unwanted physical pain)
goes. Read, discuss, and then put some of the
suggestions in this chapter into practice, see
what results you get, then move on to the next
Forty percent of people who admit
one. Try the things that instantly appeal first,
to being embarrassed to talk sex
then give the other stuff a shot—just for the
with their partner are dissatisfied
hell of it. Make sure you play fair (see pages
with their sex life.
124–25), accept that you’ll occasionally have
In a major magazine survey
misunderstandings and probably arguments
of 100,000 married women, the
as you both adjust to the new, more honest
strongest indicator of sexual and
versions of yourselves, don’t expect to enjoy
marital satisfaction was the wives’
everything you try, and you might be very
ability to express sexual feelings to
happy with what happens.
their husbands. The more they
talked, the better they rated their
Above all, remember to balance all those
sex lives, their marriages, and
lusty sessions with lots of love and emotional
their overall happiness.
intimacy. They really don’t have to be
mutually exclusive!
96 I S N ’ T T H AT A B I T, U M M . . . K I N K Y ?

Bottoms up!
A bit of slap-and-tickle could be just what you need

I never really “got” the spanking thing, until I visited a specialty shop during
the filming of one of my TV shows. The couple we were working with were
eager to try spanking, so I dutifully but dubiously trotted along with the
female partner to investigate...

Once inside, we were like women with a bad case of PMS, let loose in Willy Wonka’s chocolate
factory. Pink sparkly riding crops, soft-as-silk whips, which whooshed through the air but tickled rather
than hurt, predatory paddles—wide-eyed, we loved them all, transforming ourselves into circus animal
tamers and spanking the bottoms of all the crew (most particularly the gorgeous sound guy, who
could barely sit down at dinner!). “Spank me!”, I was soon shouting, while the owner of the shop
smiled smugly behind the counter, having heard my initial claims of “it does nothing for me.” Not
only was it damn good fun, the feeling of power produced an unexpected, arousing adrenaline rush.

Theories on why a slap on the bottom feels sexy abound. Some say it’s the result of humiliating
childhood spanking sessions. When something bad happens to us as a child, we naturally try to
turn it into something positive. The shame of being bent over a (sexy) teacher’s knee in front of
the class is turned into an erotic episode so the child can cope. Later on, a playful slap from a lover
subconsciously reignites that feeling. Spanking is also a turn-on because “hurting” each other is
unacceptable—this makes it forbidden (and an instant aphrodisiac). Then there’s the link between
pleasure and pain—a well-placed, well-timed slap on the bottom feels good, as I found out! Pain
is one of the strongest sensations you can feel—and it doesn’t diminish once you’re accustomed
to it. Light and consistent stroking is screened out by our subconscious; pain stays in our awareness.
As with any new sexual activity, there are ways to try it out sensibly and safely. Read on...

THE STROKE-BY-STROKE GUIDE

• Don’t even think about starting the session until they’re fully aroused. The more erotically
aroused they are, the more likely they are to be receptive to erotic pain. Stop spanking the minute
their arousal level falls.
• Run your fingers lightly over their buttocks, tickling them. Then place one hand on a
buttock cheek, the other on the genitals. Start with the cheek closest to you.
• Cup your hand slightly, keeping your fingers together and spank in a slightly upward motion.
This feels better than a downward stroke. Keep your wrist flexible to begin with—experiment by
holding it rigid a little later on.
 How to
suggest it
Some people think it’s degrading to spank their
• Your first spank should be more like a caress partner. Which it definitely is, if you don’t ask
than a slap. After you’ve dispensed it, massage the for it and they suddenly start slapping you! But
area for a few seconds and fondle the genitals. wanting them to spank you is quite another
• Then try another spank, timing them to arrive thing. Because spanking involves pain, asking
no more than three to five seconds apart. Cover someone to spank you is scary! So what do
both cheeks, aiming for the lower (fleshier) part of you do, when you know what you want but
the cheeks, and start to increase the force. Vary the don’t know how to get it? Here’s a few tricks:
weight, frequency, and placement of the slaps.
• Later, try dispensing a spank, then holding • Test the waters by gauging their reactions to
your hand still on the skin for a second or so. Rub, mild pain. When they’re next aroused, pinch
stroke, or lick the area for a further second, before their nipples slightly, then harder and watch
giving another spank. how they react. Do they shout “Ouch!” and
• Alternate the spank of your hand with a glare at you? This is a red light. If, however,
different texture—a fur mitt, the back of a hairbrush. they gasp but their breathing stays deep and
Or contrast the slap of spanking with light, feathery slow, they could be open to it. A little
strokes or kisses. involuntary moan is a flashing green light!
• A vibrator held between her legs (by clamping Bear in mind some people like some types
her thighs shut) doubles the stimulation. of pain but not others—they might hate their
• Use an ice cube to cool down the skin after a nipples bitten but love a well-delivered slap
spank. Then lick or rub the area to provide the on the bottom. If the nipple-pinching doesn’t
contrast of hot and cold. work, next time playfully slap them on the
bottom, seeing what effect that has.
SPANK SENSIBLY
Have keywords or signals to show whether the person • If you’re fairly confident they won’t pack their
is happy with the level of pain. A nod or “yes” could bags at the suggestion, slip them a sexy note,
mean they’re enjoying it but don’t want it any harder; saying what you’re going to do later (they’ve
“more” or “now” means up the intensity level. To been naughty and you’re going to punish
judge how hard to hit, get your partner to rate each them) or buy a soft whip as a present.
slap on a scale of 1–10. One is very light, 10 is hard. Worried they’ll think you’re a pervy deviant?
Start gently, then build up, with them calling out the Find a sexy spanking scene in an erotic book,
number that corresponds with the stroke. Let them then read it to your partner. If they look at
decide on the number they’re most comfortable with. you like you just read out something akin to
If “4” suits them but they then want more or less, they an orgy with their grandparents, simply shrug
call out “3” (for lighter) or “5” (for stronger). and say, “Well, I thought it was sort of sexy.”
 ta b o o t e r r i to r y 99

Taboo territory
Dipping a toe in...
Having (at least semi- ?) convinced you of the benefits of breaking out of a predictable pattern
of lovemaking, it’s time to make some suggestions. Despite the rather scary subheadings (Cross-
dressing? Yikes!), there’s really nothing too demanding here. So push aside any negative gut
reactions, snuggle up on the couch with a stiff drink, and see if anything else follows suit.

When it comes to wanting sex, men tend to be

on a five-day cycle, while women edge toward
ten. But it’s also true that the more varied the
sex, the more both of you will want it.

BONDAGE AND TIE-UP GAMES

B & D (bondage and domination) is a tamer version of S & M (sadomasochism)—less leather
masks and studded collars, more high heels, sexy lingerie, and pairs of old stockings. Lots of us
have been tied to the odd four-poster bed in our time—and most like it. Being tied up appeals
because it increases the suspense of sexual
pleasure: you can’t control when someone
touches, teases, licks, or penetrates you, and
If you’re the type to lie back and take
you are “forced” to give in (handily removing
it, rather than take command, try
any sexual guilt). If you’re in the power position,
something new. Touch your partner
you get the enormous kick of having someone
before they touch you. Make your
completely at your sexual mercy—it’s
strokes firmer and authoritative.
spectacularly politically incorrect, which
Say “Go down on me” rather than
is why we love it so much!
pushing their head southward.
Choose positions where you’re in
Some people don’t stop at tying up—they
control, and instead of lying back
assume even more power by gagging their
during oral sex, sit on his face or
partners as well, but this takes domination
get her to kneel in front of you.
through to another level. It’s one thing having
Direct your partner on how to
your arms tied behind your head, quite another
pleasure you.
not being able to say, “Hey, I’m bored with this
now. Untie me!”
100 I S N ’ T T H AT A B I T , U M M . . . K I N K Y ?

If you’re adventurous, try this:

• She’s on her hands and knees; he ties her feet and hands and then enters her from behind.
As she “struggles,” she pushes back against him, increasing the pleasure.
• She ties him up and sits astride him, facing away. Firmly grasping the root of his penis with one
hand, she uses the other to stroke upward rapidly. Stopping for one second every three, she keeps
going until he’s about to climax, then climbs on top to finish him off.

Having someone completely at your sexual

mercy is spectacularly politically incorrect,
which is why we love it so much!

Wimp’s way out:

• Test the waters: if someone’s not sure how they’ll feel being tied up, hold their wrists together
above their head with your hands during sex or instruct them to keep their hands behind their
backs or they’ll get “in trouble.”
• Make it plain it’s a fun tie-up session, rather than serious S & M. If they’re really nervous, tie them
up with toilet paper, which gives the feeling of being held hostage without any threat (at all). Using
everyday objects—like socks, scarves, or old stockings—makes it seem less threatening than
serious-looking handcuffs or hard rope.

PLAYING SAFELY
• Don’t use knots that tighten if the tied-up person struggles, and make sure it feels comfortable for
them by slipping one finger between the bond and their wrist or ankle before tightening knots.
• Keep a pair of scissors or the key to handcuffs handy in case they (or
you) have a sudden “Get me out!” panic.
• Never keep someone tied up for more than half an hour— True
especially if they smoke or drink heavily. (It’s not good for virtual sex
poor circulation.)
isn’t far away. We’ll
• It should be common sense never to suspend anyone
soon climb into sex suits,
by their wrists, ankles, or neck (that’s called autoerotic
asphyxiation—something I DON’T recommend!).
fitted with stimulators
• If you’re using a gag, make sure the person can breathe in erogenous zones, and
and make a noise. watch movies, able to
• Never—no matter how funny you think it would be—leave experience what
someone tied up alone in a room. This isn’t the time to run we’re seeing.
out for a gallon of milk.
What to do when you’ve got them trussed up?
Absolutely anything and everything—touch, lick,
kiss, and penetrate, with a heavy emphasis on tease.
102 I S N ’ T T H AT A B I T , U M M . . . K I N K Y ?

CROSS-DRESSING
Ever noticed how men are always more enthusiastic about
costume parties where the sexes swap clothes? She grumbles Seventy five
and makes half-hearted attempts with a tie and a stick-on percent of cross-dressers
mustache; he rifles through her closet and chooses the are heterosexual. It’s
biggest, dangliest earrings he can find, seconds after the about transformation:
invitation arrives. There’s a good reason why—and it doesn’t
mean he’s gay. Women can dress as men any time they like
satisfying a curiosity
(bar the mustache), but it’s not acceptable for men to wear
about what it would
women’s clothes. Slinky skirts, butt-skimming minis, high heels, feel like to be the
silky panties, push-up bras, stockings, and garter belts are all opposite sex.
banned from his bod. Given an excuse to try it, is it any wonder
even the butchest boys are up for it? And it’s not just women’s clothes
they steal. Swishing their hair, touching up their makeup, they adopt feminine
mannerisms as well. They’re curious (and often jealous) of women’s sexual power, and this
offers a chance to see how it feels. But it’s one thing having a giggle at a costume party, quite
another to open your lingerie drawer and find your Victoria’s Secrets stretched beyond recognition.

It’s one thing having a giggle at a costume

party, quite another to open your lingerie drawer
to find your Victoria’s Secrets stretched
beyond recognition.

Cross-dressing (men wanting to wear women’s clothes—usually underwear—for sexual pleasure)

has been around forever, but came to the fore a few years ago when some prominent “real men”
confessed to doing it. Seventy five percent of cross-dressers are heterosexual. In fact, it is only
considered a problem if it becomes an entrenched fetish (when sex or arousal is impossible without
it) or if their partner dislikes it so much that it’s ruining the relationship. To be honest, I don’t know
any women who want their partner to be a cross-dresser. It makes us feel uneasy (not to mention
protective of our pantyhose). However, a couple I know were messing around and she made him put
on her silk panties. She manipulated the silk around his penis to give an exquisite hand-job. Because
he wasn’t used to the feel of silk (being resigned to boring old cotton boxer shorts), he rated it as one
of the sexiest sessions ever. Try it! If you both like it, get him to wear a pair of your girliest panties next
time you go out. Even a trip to the mall becomes edged with excitement. You both share a wicked
secret (though he should avoid low-slung Levi’s if you want to keep it that way), and the unusual
feel of slippery fabric against his private parts is a constant reminder of what’s in store later.
104 I S N ’ T T H AT A B I T, U M M . . . K I N K Y ?

Kinky confessional
Some straight answers

My boyfriend told me it would really turn him on if I wet my

panties in front of him. He says loads of people do it.
Urophilia—a sexual interest in urine—isn’t common sexual behavior (so your boyfriend’s pulling your
leg with his every-second-guy-on-the-bus-wants-it claim). On the other hand, it’s not rare. Why would
he enjoy it? Sexologists think it could result if urine and arousal get linked when the person is very
young, at the time they’re forming their “sexual blueprint.” When we first experience sexual feelings,
often the events surrounding it tend to influence how we’ll make love in the future. For instance,
your boyfriend could have been scolded by his mom for wetting his pants when he was a child and
been locked in his bedroom. Bored, he started messing around and ending up masturbating for the
first time—and that’s how the two got linked together. If it’s kept as an occasional thing and you both
enjoy it, I don’t see a problem (though your cleaning lady might). What could be an issue is if he
wants to do it all the time. You may then feel he’s more interested in the peeing than in you.

I’m being hassled by my boyfriend to shave off my pubic hair.

Should I do it, and if so how?!
How or if you wax, shave, or trim is highly personal. I slept with a guy who shaved everything,
including his testicles. This struck me as odd because it didn’t go with his personality: he was
kind of shy and (claimed) he wasn’t that sexually confident. Since then, I’ve discovered it’s now
de rigueur in that age group (18–25). Letting a person shave you is an incredibly sexy exercise
(even if it does itch like crazy afterward). It involves trust and it exposes the genitals. Penises and
vaginas look “naked” and vulnerable without hair (that reddish blush isn’t just from sexual arousal,
they’re embarrassed!). Some people think removing all hair from the female genitalia has sinister
connotations, because it mimics a young girl. In 99.9 percent of cases, that’s not the case. Hair
in your mouth is a pain, being able to see clearly what you’re doing is a bonus. But be careful,
whatever hair removal method you use. I was trimming my pubic hair with sharp scissors once, one
 KINKY CONFESSIONAL 105

leg up on the toilet seat, my phone tucked under my chin as I talked to my boyfriend. Multi-tasking
is admirable, but sometimes not wise. Next thing I know, a huge lump of labia dropped in my hand.
Like, owww! Another friend was trimming his testicles while watching the football when his team
scored. He claims he went through two rolls of toilet paper trying to mop up the mess. Not sexy.

What exactly Is deep-throating, and is it something every

woman can learn?
Most of the sensation of the penis is in the head and the frenulum (the little stringy bit) so making
six inches disappear, like a circus sword-swallower, is unnecessary. All it really does is dispense a
pleasant psychological kick by allowing him to indulge his porn-star fantasy. But if you’re feeling
particularly generous, try this technique. To deep throat, you have to widen the natural ninety-degree
angle of your throat by choosing specific positions. If you lie on your back, your head hanging off
the edge of the bed, with him either standing or kneeling by the side of the bed, you can use your
hands against his thighs to control the depth. It’s worth giving it a shot for the pure novelty factor,
but if it results in unpleasant gagging rather than a mind-blowing orgasm, don’t blame me!

When people talk about cybersex, do they simply mean strangers

masturbating in a chatroom?
The online sex industry generates one billion US dollars a year—for a reason. You can access
websites, information, and pictures on virtually anything your wicked little mind can conjure up,
all in the privacy of your own home. But cybersex isn’t just about two strangers pounding away
at their keyboard (simultaneously pounding other things). There’s a lot couples can do online
sexually. Grab a drink, log on, and have some fun! As well as trawling the net for whatever porn
takes your fancy, you can use it to solve any sex problems (there are tons of advice sites) or look
for ideas of new things to try. One or both of you can visit a naughty chatroom, flirting with each
other or other people. It’s a safe, saucy way for secure couples to let loose those infidelity urges
that affect us all. (Emphasis on the word “secure”: some people get nervous watching their partner
in full seduction mode.) You can be as explicit as you like and assume any persona: he gets to
be a girl and you a guy. Also check out “strip sites,” where you pay to spy on people in their
bedrooms, getting up to all sorts of things.
108 I S N ’ T T H AT A B I T, U M M . . . K I N K Y ?

Going in the back door

Safe, sensible anal sex

Despite being wildly popular with the Greeks in the good old orgy days,
anal sex was something men wanted and women avoided until recently.
Now both sexes are happily exploring “backdoor” sex.

Kinsey reported in 1990 that 11 percent of married men had tried anal sex or had it regularly. More
recent research found that 30–40 percent of heterosexual couples had tried it, with up to half doing it
regularly. (Interestingly, while 2.5 million straight US couples are said to practice anal sex, only about
50 percent of gay men do the same.) There’s usually no “wrong” way to have sex, but when it
comes to anal sex, you need to be informed for it to be as painless as possible. Here are some tips...
How do I talk her into trying it?
Plenty of women enjoy anal sex—if, and it’s a big if—it’s done properly. What puts most of us off
is having had the old, “Ooops, I got the wrong hole” trick pulled on us. “Accidentally” and eagerly
thrusting into an unlubricated, unprepared anus hurts like hell. And it’s put plenty of women off for
life. The second most likely thing to put us off is your asking for it over and over again, which (like
the threesome request) only makes us more determined not to do it. A playful suggestion that
you’d like to try it—along with a “you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’d at least like to try
stimulating you with my finger”—will get you further. I’d also suggest backing up your suggestion with
some good articles to allay her fears. Gently remind her just because something is seen as culturally
“taboo,” doesn’t mean it is. Not so long ago, it was “unnatural” for women to work and only “whores”
gave oral sex. Things constantly move from “bizarre” to mainstream once society’s attitudes relax or
change. Anal sex is one of them.
Will she enjoy it?
Approached properly, anal sex can be intensely pleasurable for her. The rectum shares a wall with
the vagina and penetrating it gives a pleasant feeling of fullness in both the vagina and anus. It’s
also seen as taboo (always a turn-on). The naughtiness of a finger inside her anus, another inside
the vagina, and an expert tongue rates up there as one of life’s greatest pleasures. Can she orgasm
purely through anal? Most sex experts say no. Anal sex could, however, tip her over into orgasm if
she’s hovering on the brink (even better, if you’re stimulating her clitoris while inside her).
Will it hurt?
Not if done properly. The process of anal sex needs to be slow because the anal sphincter muscles
are used to pushing things out, not taking anything in. You must use lubrication—silicone-based,
not water—and relax the muscles by massaging with your fingers first. Anal sex nearly always feels
uncomfortable initially, but once you relax into it the pain should subside. If, however, the pain is
 Tips for the
first-timer
If you’re the person penetrating:
• Never go straight into penile penetration
sharp, shooting, or if it feels like something is without having tried other stuff first (fingers,
tearing, you’re not doing it right. Slow down, add dildos, vibrators).
more lube, and don’t thrust too hard. • Apply LOTS of lube to both your penis and
But that’s where poop comes from! her bottom, then rub the penis head against
The rectum is a passageway, not a storage place. her opening.
The anal canal is less than an inch long, the rectum • Wait for the anus to relax and open and let
is between five and nine inches long, and this in her back onto your penis, rather than do the
turn leads to the colon—which is where the feces penetrating yourself.
accumulate. But the more recently you’ve gone to the • Hold your penis at the base and wait until the
bathroom, the less likely you are to get an unpleasant head (only) penetrates. Pause until she says
surprise. Invest in some soap-free solutions (any that it’s OK to go further and insert a little at a
are marketed for feminine use) and insert a soapy time, very slowly.
finger during your shower. Have unscented baby • Once it’s all in, pause again, then do slow,
wipes on hand during any anal play, put down gentle thrusts. Angle yourself so you’re aiming
some dark-colored towels, and if you’re particularly for her belly button.
squeamish (or worried about infection), use latex • Stop regularly to apply more lubrication and
gloves for finger insertion or condoms for intercourse. exit as slowly as you entered—go too fast,
Will I catch anything? and the muscles will tense and spasm.
Anal play can spread HIV and other sexually
transmitted infections. It’s also possible to get pregnant If you’re on the receiving end:
from anal sex if the semen slides into the vagina. • The more aroused you are, the less it will
Protect yourselves by getting tested for STDs, and by hurt (though having an orgasm first can
using condoms, a latex glove for finger insertion, and a also relax you).
cut-up condom or plastic wrap for rimming (see page • Hold your bottom open and bear down
182). Don’t put anything that has been in the anus (as though you’re trying to go to the toilet)—
into the vagina without thoroughly washing it first. this opens your anus.
What positions are best? • Breathe deeply, then back up to allow him
Try missionary (she’s on her back, knees pulled to to penetrate a little. If you start to panic, try
her chest, with her feet on his shoulders); rear entry contracting your anal muscles voluntarily to
(she’s lying on her stomach, using pillows to raise give you a sense of control.
her bottom); her on top (she straddles him and sits • Give him constant feedback. It can take a few
on his penis). The classic porn pose is for her to sessions before you can accept him fully, so
stand and bend over. don’t feel rushed or pressured.
110 I S N ’ T T H AT A B I T, U M M . . . K I N K Y ?

Toy story
It’s playtime...
Having just launched my own sex toy range, I can safely boast that I’ve
pretty much tried them all. Quite apart from testing the limits of my
long-suffering cleaner, who faithfully dusted the 16 “rabbits” lined up
neatly on the desk ready for future testing, it was interesting to see
how my then-boyfriend reacted to this research.

“I’m exhausted,” I complained. “I’ve just had three orgasms in a row, and I’ve got another eight
vibrators to test.” Silence at the other end, rather than sympathy. “Two more than you usually have
with me,” he said grumpily, threatening to picket my apartment building with a “Save the Males”
sign. Oddly, sex toy shopping is one area where women are far more adventurous than men.
Yes, it is shopping (which explains a lot), but it’s also because men see things like vibrators as
“replacements” rather than additions to a sex life. They’re not—and there are good reasons why
men should encourage their partners to own one (see page 26). Sex toys are as the name
suggests—things to play with for a bit of fun! And have fun you will!

Walking into a sex shop can be bewildering, so I’ve compiled a list of the items you’re likely to be
drawn to. You can use this to shop online if you’re shy (and yes, they will arrive in brown packaging,
not a bag that screams “10-INCH THROBBING DILDO!”). But I’d highly recommend you visit a
reputable sex shop together so that you can pick the products up, feel, and test them. It’s also a
naughty, sexy thing to do! Choose your shop depending on your mood—a suitably sleazy one if
you’re feeling down and dirty, a “posh” shop (and there are plenty if you search online), or even
“women’s only” if he wants to lurk around the corner. If you’re paranoid you’ll run into his sister,
choose one in an area she’s unlikely to visit. If you get caught and they look aghast, launch straight
into a funny story of what happened in there. That makes them look like a prude and you wonderfully
liberated! Research suggests around 10 percent of adults use sex toys regularly, I’d put that much
higher. Around 60 percent of my girlfriends own a vibrator (and they’re seriously not weird, honest!).

Dominate me...
BLINDFOLDS—Something safe to pounce on—you know what it is and what to do with it!
You can make a blindfold out of anything, but fancy ones are good for role-play and dress-up.
WHIPS, RIDING CROPS, AND PADDLES—Each designed to produce different types of pain:
whips are softest, riding crops medium, and paddles hurt.
 toy story 111

LET’S GO SHOPPING!
Vibrators—Every woman’s best friend, vibrators come in all shapes and sizes, from a buzzing
lipstick to a throbbing 10-inch fleshlike (terrifying) thing. Narrow the selection by deciding what you
want from yours: if it’s for masturbation and you’re into penetration with clitoral stimulation, go for
a “rabbit” (a penis-shaped vibrator with a clitoral attachment). “Wand” vibrators—small cylindrical
vibrators that you hold against the clitoris—are ideal for use during intercourse. For more powerful
clitoral vibration, opt for one that looks like a back massager—large with a big rounded head (like
the Hitachi Magic Wand). Choose from small, hard plastic ones (better vibration) or jellylike rubber
or silicone varieties (weaker vibration but feel nicer). Make sure you get one with variable speed.
Test how quiet it is and check if it’s waterproof if you want to use it in the tub or shower. “Butterfly”
vibrators are attached via elastic leg straps and provide clitoral stimulation during intercourse, but a
wand vibrator held in place works just as well. (For more info on vibrator techniques, see page 26.)

Dildos—These are imitation penises of varying sizes. Unlike vibrators, they don’t vibrate. Usually
made of rubber, they’re sometimes S-shaped for G-spot stimulation. If you like the feeling of fullness,
they’re good to insert during oral sex. You’ll also see strap-on versions called “harnesses,” which are
attached via thigh and bottom straps and transform her into a him instantly—the ultimate gender-
bender! Some women feel powerful popping on a phallus. I tried one on once and felt more like a
carpenter with a tool belt on—and ruined the mood completely by walking around being cocky
(literally), imagining what it would be like to be a man.

Anal toys—Anal vibrators have a flared base (so what goes up doesn’t disappear). Butt plugs are
soft, jellylike, and stay in better, but don’t vibrate. Anal beads are plastic balls attached to a thin nylon
cord. The idea is to insert them, then pull them out (not too fast) right before or during orgasm.

Vibrating penis rings—Traditional penis rings slip on to a flaccid or semi-erect penis. They trap
blood in the penis, helping him to maintain a stronger erection for longer, and make the penis look
and feel bigger. The vibrating versions are a great invention—they’re inexpensive as well. These are
penis rings—usually rubber—with little vibrators attached for clitoral stimulation. In order for them to
work effectively, though, he uses a grinding, circular thrusting motion during intercourse and rides
high to keep the little vibrator in contact with the clitoris as much as possible.

S & M GEAR—Those menacing-looking studded collars, leather outfits, and masks are sometimes enough
to send you scuttling out the door. Intrigued rather than intimidated? See page 127, for a feature on the topic.
NiPPLe Clamps—These clip onto your nipples to create the sensation of pinching (i.e., pain). S & M
devotees adore them. The rest of us look at them, think “Ouch!” and then move back to the warm,
fuzzy vibrator section.
5
Rev things up a gear (or three) by indulging in
all those super-seedy sex scenarios you’d secretly love
to try. Yes, you can do it and stay faithful too!
the really rude stuff
hedonist’s heaven
 ng , su ck in g, in du lg in g in a sensual,
Bodies stroki lik e th at in re al life!)
sensory feast. (Sha m e it ’s no t
 B ET YOU HAVEN’T TR I ED... 117

Bet you haven’t tried...

Time to get really naughty
The world tends to divide into two types of couples: those who try anything and everything (S & M
gear spilling out of their closets, serious-looking handcuffs dangling from the headboard) and those
who don’t really try anything at all (a half-forgotten vibrator in the nightstand drawer and a pair of
naughty panties stuffed among Bridget Jones–style “Big Pants”). The majority of us fall into the latter

Watching her with a woman can be

uncomfortable: she’s having really good sex
(like, better than she ever has with you)
without an erect penis.

category—through sheer laziness, fear (scared to suggest it, scared people like our moms will find
out), or romanticism (a perception that if you really love each other, you won’t need any “false”
stimulation—nonsense!). To prevent the inevitable decline in desire that affects almost all long-term
couples, I’d suggest you take a step toward the middle of these two extremes. Create a new category
of couples who experiment with interesting things, but aren’t reliant on them to enjoy great sex. If you
tried out some ideas from the previous chapter and enjoyed the results, you’re ready to push the boat
out a little farther into the erotic ocean. Again, don’t panic! Despite the wonderfully risqué pictures in
this feature, the ideas are adventurous but approached sensibly. I’ve started by giving you information
about “risky” things you might be attracted to, then suggested a “wimp’s
way out”: something naughty enough to “shock” your sexual system,
but not so naughty it short-circuits the relationship.

SWINGING “A relationship
Swingers are couples, usually in committed relationships, is like a shark... it has
who like to have threesomes, foursomes, or moresomes
to constantly move
with other couples. In the sex-crazy 70s, this was easy to
achieve: simply invite all your neighbors over, serve large
forward or it dies.”
martinis along with the fondue and cheese-and-pineapple- Woody Allen,
Annie Hall (1977)
on-toothpick appetizers (artistically stuck into an orange),
and you’d all be pooling the car keys before the first joint got
stubbed out. In today’s moral climate, putting a hand up the
 118 the rea l ly rude stu f f

Most sex therapy is aimed at making couples

feel comfortable sexually. But new research
suggests that edginess, risk, and danger are
often needed to make sex spectacular.

sweater of nice Mrs. Johnson from next door, after your second glass of red wine, will probably end
in handcuffs—but not quite the kind you were imagining. Most swingers these days meet through
personal ads or via the Internet. Some couples keep it relatively private (well, as private as it can be),
choosing only to play with one other couple at a time. Others attend swingers’ parties or go to clubs,
taking their pick from a broader selection. Generally, all couples arrive as a couple; most participate
as a couple and leave as a couple. “Closed” swinging is when one partner chooses not to be around
while their lover is having sex with others (highly sensible, I’d have thought); “open” swinging means
both participate, and “soft” swinging means you’ll “heavy pet” with people but draw the line at
penetration. Not surprisingly, swinging comes with a hefty “try at your own risk” warning: you really
do need to be a special type of person to cope with it. Most end up feeling jealous, and in lots of
cases, motivation is lopsided. One partner wants to try it, the other goes along with it for fear of
losing them if they don’t. It can and does lead to split-ups, albeit interesting ones. I’ve interviewed
at least four couples who have swapped with another couple—and stayed.

Wimp’s way out:

Get the thrill of swinging without the
downside by going to a swingers’ club and
watching but not participating. Choosing a
club, planning what to wear, imagining all
sorts of scenarios, finally turning up, giggly but
excited—the anticipation of doing something
terribly daring will already have injected more
excitement into your relationship than you’ve
seen since the new furniture store opened
down the road. And you haven’t even
ventured inside yet! Once you do, you’ll
find that clubs are usually quite dark and
anonymous, and it’s relatively easy to hang
back and observe without being asked to
participate. Most have websites, so don’t be
 B ET YOU HAVEN’T TR I ED... 121

scared to email or call first to ask what “rules” there are (most
clubs are cool with you just watching, but some aren’t). Lots ask
A good you to join as a member, but it’s a legal formality—you can sign
old-fashioned orgy in as Elvis and Priscilla from Graceland for all they care. Bring
worked in Roman times lots of cash for the entrance fee and drinks, and aim to get
because people were selfish there about two hours after it opens so there’s plenty going
about their pleasure. on. Once inside, walk around and explore. There are usually

Today, multiple bodies “Private several rooms and a general area that has porn playing.

means more people rooms” are where couples can go to have sex.
Sometimes there’s a dance floor. Expect a lot of eyeing up and
to satisfy. flirting, public displays of affection (and more), and a general air
of seediness (which is, of course, why you’re there). Stay as long as
you’re having fun, leave if you feel uncomfortable; don’t drink too much.

WOMEN WITH WOMEN

It’s not just men who harbor secret fantasies of big-breasted blondes mud-wrestling; plenty of
women are bi-curious. Wanting to experiment with the same sex isn’t a problem if you’re single and
up for trying new things, but for long-term couples who’ve pledged monogamy, it poses a dilemma.
You’ve promised not to sleep with anyone else—but does the rule still apply if it’s someone of your
own sex? Plenty of men respond to her initial suggestions of same-sex experimentation with
delighted enthusiasm, a bit like they’ve just won the sexual lottery. But that’s usually because
(1) he assumes he will be allowed to watch and (2) he has a fixed script in his head of what will
happen (the girls will kiss, fondle, and lick each other, putting on a fine show for him, but ultimately
be bored with female flesh and beg him to join
in and “properly” satisfy them). In reality, this
often isn’t the case. If she does allow him to
Some couples plan to do daring
watch (he’s got about a 50/50 chance), the guy
things, then chicken out at the last
is often excluded as the girls get down to it, and
minute. They’re at the door of the
he can’t see as much as he thought (porn
swingers’ club but find themselves
actors contort into ridiculous positions so the
heading to the nearest bar instead,
viewer can see the action). Then there’s the risk
hearts thudding and bits throbbing
that once she’s batted for the home team, she’ll
with the excitement of what could
want to stay on the bench with breasts. Some
have happened. Even if you’re not
men “permit” their partner to experiment with
retracing your steps after the third
women; others simply see it as sex with another
drink, it doesn’t mean you’ve “failed.”
person, which contravenes the relationship rules.
The exercise has accomplished its
purpose by simply pushing you
A safe way to indulge a same-sex fantasy is to
out of your comfort zone.
visit a strip or lap-dancing club and let her flirt
with the strippers and/or get a lap dance. No
 122 the rea l ly rude stu f f

longer just frequented by sad old drunks staring

forlornly into their tumblers of scotch, strip and
If you and your partner are planning
lap-dance bars now boast a clientele of hip
on watching rather than participating,
young couples along with slightly tipsy groups
make sure you time your entrance
of friends. Yes, the boisterous boys-night-out
into the swingers’ club carefully.
brigade is still there, ties askew and vomiting in
Being one of the first couples to turn
the restroom, but if you choose carefully, they’re
up is often disastrous! You feel self-
in the minority. Women often get as much
conscious, the jaded regulars start
attention from strippers as the guys. If you want
licking their lips and drooling like a
to make sure she does, load her up with the
struggling dieter picking despondently
cash—the person doing the tipping gets all the
at a salad, while friends dig in to a
attention. Some clubs have private peep booths
Sunday roast. Most swingers are
where dancers masturbate or perform erotic
friendly, but they may not be
acts (you pay by the minute); others have
when misled.
private VIP rooms where women play with sex
toys and each other. Most strip clubs don’t allow
you to touch, and girls keep their distance, so
if you want closer action, choose a lap-dance place. In some clubs they’re totally naked, in others
they’re “clothed” (well, if you call thongs and wisps of next to nothing “clothes”). Ask if they have
“couples’ specials” where, in private, dancers perform simultaneous dances or spoil just one of you.

VOYEURISM AND “DOGGING”

A voyeur likes to watch other people have sex but doesn’t want to join in (most are happy to
masturbate). In a sense, we’re all voyeurs: few of us would be able to resist watching people have
sex if we knew we wouldn’t get caught. True “peeping Toms,’ however, actively search for spying
opportunities (e.g., curtains left open) and are often unable to become aroused without “spying.”
Others pay sex workers to perform a private live show without feeling the need to participate, or
indulge in what’s called “dogging.” Under the guise of taking the dog for a
walk, they head to known “dogging” areas where exhibitionistic couples
have sex in their car or singles masturbate.
“We are the
Wimp’s way out: most intensely excited
Peep booths perform the same purpose, without the risk of when we are a little
your being arrested (or shocking poor old Fido into an early off-balance, uncertain,
doggie grave). Head toward the red light district in any city
and you’ll find them inside strip clubs and lots of adult book
poised on the perilous
stores. Typically, you go inside, sit on a stool, put money or
edge between ecstasy
tokens into the meter, and a screen lifts or glass defogs to and disaster.”
reveal a sex worker putting on a show behind glass. Sometimes Jack Morin,
you can request specific acts (for extra cash, of course). The Erotic Mind
124 t h e r e a l ly r u d e s t u ff

Thrills without spills

Raunchy new sex without the risks
I was (a naive) nineteen the first time someone asked me to do something
“kinky.” My fiancé (the first of three, before I actually followed through)
tentatively suggested we turn to the porn channel while abroad and watch
a “sexy movie” together.
Shocked, horrified, offended (and any other negative emotion you can think of), I drew myself up
to full height (an impressive five-foot-five, to his six-foot-four) and said, outraged, “Absolutely not!”
“No problem,” he said, continuing to unpack, unconcerned. But I kept thinking about it. And thinking.
And on the third day I said, “OK, let’s give it a whirl,” and, sexually, we never looked back. (OK, I
looked forward, obviously, but never back.) My reaction is typical of most people. Feeling threatened
and/or slightly shocked, we turn so moral and righteous, we’d make an 80-year-old nun look liberal.
Persuading your partner to try new things sounds so simple... except it’s often not. Here are some
ideas on how to cope and what to do, on either side of the fence.

Sexploration: the rules

• Talk through exactly what will happen, being as specific as possible, so there are no surprises.
• Set rules and stick to them: how far are each of you prepared to go and under what
circumstances?
• Decide on a “safe word” that means “Stop now.” Make it something you’re definitely not going
to say accidentally.
• Remember your relationship is more important, at every moment, than the experience you’re
having. Constantly check in with each other.
• Don’t be afraid to use your “safe word” to stop the experience if you feel upset. It doesn’t mean
you’re prudish, just prudent.
• If your partner gets upset, stop everything immediately and go to their emotional rescue.
 t h r i l l s w i t ho u t spi l l s 125

YOU want to try THEY want to try

something new, something new,
they don’t you don’t
• Remember, just because it turns you • Take it as a compliment: They’re showing
on, doesn’t mean it’s going to make trust and commitment by asking you, rather
them shudder with delight: One person’s than taking the coward’s way out and seeking
wet dream is another’s wet blanket. it elsewhere.
• Be positive and confident when asking • Don’t say no, say you’ll think about it:
for what you want: If you make a big deal Educate yourself—read up about it, look on
about asking or look terrified once it’s out of the Internet, then make a decision.
your mouth, they’ll also think it’s a big deal. Say • Understand why: Ask your partner why
it confidently and casually and they’re far more it appeals to them. Let them reassure you
likely to agree. This is only possible if you truly it doesn’t mean you don’t turn them on
believe it’s harmless fun. If you’re secretly anymore, they’re simply craving variety.
worried it’s dicey, slay your own personal • Take baby steps: If your partner wants to
demons first by finding out more about it. try phone sex with a professional, for instance,
• Be clear about what you want: Is this a go online and talk dirty in a chatroom. Only
one-time experience or do you want it to be a when you feel you’re ready, move on.
regular part of your sex life? Most people can • Consider doing it for them: If it’s
cope with doing “kinky” things consistently but something they’re desperate to try and you’re
irregularly; few want to do it every single session. not completely adverse to it, why not make
• Talk it through: Asking someone to try their day? Making them as happy as an
something new can make them feel insecure. ex‑smoker who’s just been told cigarettes are
They think: “Why am I not enough anymore?” actually good for them, could be enough of
Talking about the reasons why it appeals, a reward. And seeing them turned on can
tactfully and laced with loads of sexual often turn you on.
compliments reassuring them they’re still sexy, • Consider doing it for you: What can
often fixes the problem. Also ask if anything you get out of it? Being spanked or tied
happened in their past that makes them not up, for instance, means you get to lie back
want to do it now. and do nothing.
• Don’t coerce or trick them: Threaten to • Strike up a deal: There’s nothing wrong with
leave or hint you’ll get it elsewhere if they don’t sexual bartering if it’s done in a spirited, friendly
comply, and you deserve a slap—and not the fashion.
kind you were after. Also, tying her up, saying • Risk the unfamiliar: Remember this mantra:
“Aha! Now I’ve got you!” and bringing in the If you keep doing what you’ve always done,
call girl, isn’t wise if you want to make that next you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.
wedding anniversary. If your love life rates as “content,” take a risk.
 l a s h in g s o f l u st 127

Lashings of lust
Take a tip (not just the whip) from S & M
Being into S & M now is like being gay 25 years ago. Bondage (tie-up games) jumped the fence
between kinky and commonplace some time ago, spanking is currently straddling it, and S & M is
pawing at the ground, poised to take a flying leap, but hasn’t landed yet. Back in 1980, being gay
was accepted by the young and open-minded but still raised eyebrows and huffs and puffs in others.
S & M is equally borderline: true devotees are still considered “weird” and unsavory by the great
unwashed, but a rising number of “normal,” contemporary couples are incorporating elements of it
into their sex play. And that’s what I’m going to do here: borrow what I think are the less threatening
concepts of S & M (concentrate more on the power than the pain) and then if you’d like to explore
it further, feel free to invest in one of the many guides out there.

Those women who dare to be the dominant

find the power of being boss, in a world often
dominated by men, a potent aphrodisiac.
S & M seems to go together like gin and tonic, but the truth is, they’re two separate sexual practices.
Sadism is inflicting pain on others in order to feel sexual pleasure, masochism is the need to feel
pain in order to feel sexually aroused. That’s the strict definition, but S & M is also about power—
playing dominant and submissive roles—and that’s my main focus. Put simply, it means that one
of you gives up control and the other takes it. So you won’t need to take out that home equity loan
to convert the basement into a dungeon after all. In fact, most of the props you’ll need for this
deliciously nasty sexperimentation can be found around your home. The common denominator
in all S & M play isn’t in fact an exchange of pain but a consensual exchange of power.

S & M was officially removed from the psychiatric list of mental disorders back in the 80s, with most
psychologists now proclaiming mild S & M as a means of releasing sexual and emotional energy that
some people cannot get from traditional sex. New enthusiasts talk of an “intensity” that they’ve never
felt before—and intense is good! While there are obvious “issues” linked to S & M that certainly
do warrant a swift trip to a therapist (self-loathing masochists or sadists in severe need of anger
management, for example), most people like dabbling in S & M for innocent reasons. I’m not
suggesting that the man at that hard-core S & M club, hidden behind a leather mask and viciously
“torturing” his victim, is the type who skips around in a pink fluffy sweater on his days off, rescuing
kittens from trees—just that lots of people try it simply because it’s something different and they’re
128 t h e r e a l ly r u d e st u f f

The dominant will stop at nothing

to possess you... but if they ask you
to lick the toilet clean with your tongue,
feel free to tell them to get lost!

curious, or they find it a turn-on to lose power and/or be in complete control of it. Women,
particularly, find this arousing. Although 89 percent of women choose the submissive role in a
bondage situation, those who dare to be dominant find the power of being boss, in a world often
dominated by men, a potent aphrodisiac. Swapping roles during sex play can make your relationship
more equal. Finally, S & M sex is usually unpredictable—perhaps the biggest turn-on of all.

GIVING IT A WHIRL
Choose your role
Do you want to have the power—or relinquish it? Squirming submissives are released from all
responsibility (great if you have to make all the decisions at work), the center of attention, desirable
and alluring. The dominant will stop at nothing to possess you—but it probably will involve being
obedient or even humiliated. You might have to give an erotic massage, strip, run a bath for your
“master” and dry them off afterward, be ordered to be a sex slave, made to perform oral on demand,
rub their feet or clean the house naked (if they ask you to lick the toilet clean with your tongue, feel
free to tell them to get lost!). As a bossy-boots dominant, you call the shots. It’s up to you to set the
scene, keep things going—calm them down or hype them up. You get to be selfish, cruel, superior
(in short, a total bitch or bastard) without getting in trouble. It’s usually the most confident person
who assumes this role, but if you’re not, give it a try. It can make you more confident in real life.

Figure out what you’d like to do

The more drama you build into the scenario, the better it will usually be. Working out what will
happen is really the dominant person’s job, but for a first time, plan it together. Think suspense:
doing things the submissive isn’t expecting. Punctuate a stern scolding or spanking with kind, cuddly
stuff. Change locations when they least expect it. Break up sexual play with psychological games:
give them an intense oral experience, then order them to do the dishes. Think stern nanny who
spanks a naughty little boy; the king with a subject who needs punishing; the slave held captive by
a cruel captor. You need to first establish your authority, then tease and inflict punishment; always
comfort them afterward. The dominant person usually has a
name—“Master,” “Mr.,” “Mistress,” “Ma’am”—that denotes
The rules
authority. You can add their real name after (Mistress Tracey, for
instance—I like that!). The dominant chooses the submissive’s • Don’t use a discipline session
name—and at the mention of it, they must obey! Some people to work out a problem
name their genitals, then use it as code (“Violet wants you to talk (i.e., if you really are angry about
to her”’), others find they can’t master that part without laughing. something, strangely, this isn’t the
way to vent it).
Pitch it right
If you’re the dominant, then wimpy, soft, girly little voices won’t do. • Have a “safe word”—a word
Pitch your voice deeper than usual; speak loudly and in staccato both of you know means “Stop
sentences like “Get me that.” “Would you mind?”, “Please,” and right now.” Always, always stop
“Thank you” are banned. (Your great aunt might be horrified, but when it’s uttered, without
your partner will shiver with pleasure!) Maintain eye contact, move demanding an explanation first.
quickly, and make “big” gestures. Stand with your hands on your
hips, don’t smile, hold your head high. Submissives should drop • Three words to keep in mind:
their eyes, make themselves “small,” keep their head bowed, and safe, sane, and consensual.
act exaggeratedly grateful for any small mercies.
• Keep it private—it’s not for
What do I do next? entertaining your friends with—and
You’re limited only by your imagination. If you’re struggling for ideas, don’t mock each other once the
try these: • masturbate just out of reach • blindfold them • spank scenario is over.
them • remind them they’re helpless and tell them what you’re
going to do to them • alternate fast sex with slow, torturous sex • use
sex toys on them • tie them up • make them stand, hands bound,
while you go about your business • order them to wear particular
clothes or sit in a certain way • forbid them to climax • shave their
genitals • use hot and cold sensations (ice cubes, warm coffee).
132 T H E R E A L LY R U D E S T U F F

Threesomes
Twice the fun or asking for trouble?

Having a threesome pretty much always tops the most popular fantasy
list—particularly for men. And although I’m biased against anything that
involves inviting extra bodies into the bed (very few committed couples
manage to negotiate these scenarios successfully), I can see the appeal.
Two men, both indulging my every need simultaneously—I mean, hello! Who wouldn’t enjoy that?
If you want to experiment with the same sex, a three-way makes it seem less threatening, and it
appears to solve the need for new flesh without lying or going behind your partner’s back. These
are all good, sound reasons for experimenting. And if you’re single or in a casual relationship that
you don’t mind risking, go for it (though still please read the advice below).

If you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, however, be warned: indulging this fantasy may not
turn out to be the exotic, erotic adventure you’d imagined. Jealousy is a huge problem (feeling left
out, thinking your partner prefers the other person), with nasty surprises running a close second.
Seeing your partner’s penis disappear down the throat of a stranger as his eyes roll back in bliss, may
not be quite the turn-on you thought it would be. Plenty of females freak when it suddenly dawns
on them they won’t be the only one playing with the male newcomer, and kissing (on the surface
the most innocent activity of all) is the cause of much horrendous fallout. Deciding exactly what will
happen beforehand helps, but the reality is often still quite shocking. Yes, there are couples who
have three-ways regularly and swear it’s enhanced rather than damaged their relationship. But they’re
the exception rather than the rule, and quite frankly, there are so many other deliciously naughty but
safe suggestions in this book, I’d much rather you didn’t take the risk. If, however, after much
consideration, you decide to go ahead, I’ve provided a few guidelines. Along with these are some
less risky alternatives to get the thrill of a three-way, without the potential pitfalls.

If you decide to do it:

• Be careful who you approach. Sexy friends, colleagues, or acquaintances may seem like a
good idea—but not so inspired when they’re horrified by your suggestion (even the most sexually
liberated often pale when it comes to coming with friends—it seems wrong somehow), it all goes
horribly wrong, and/or you’ve lost a great friendship. Instead, consider my suggestions (see right) of
safer ways to create a threesome, go to sex-themed parties (fetish or swingers’ parties, etc.) where
people are more open to the suggestion, or answer or place an ad in a newspaper or on a website.
If it were me, I’d probably have one while overseas, away from prying eyes and pervy neighbors.
 T hreesomes 133

• Always, always practice safe sex.

• Never have a threesome unless both of
A sexy alternative
you want one. Doing it because your partner Another way to capture the sense of
has threatened to leave if you don’t agree, is plain this fantasy is to have phone sex with a
ridiculous. Ditch your partner instead—and good professional. Yes, she probably will be doing
riddance to anyone who uses emotional blackmail. the ironing in her jogging pants, phone tucked
• Never surprise your partner with a threesome. under her chin, but you’d never guess it.
• Make rules on what is and isn’t allowed. Professional phone sex workers spend all day
Decide who can do what, to whom beforehand. and night telling stories, listening to fantasies,
• Do only the things that turn you on and and making callers climax through words—
make you both feel good. most of them are damn good at their job!
• Don’t take being left out personally.
• Pay your partner more attention than the If you’ve got a speaker phone, use it. That
third person. way no one’s left out and you both have the
• Stop if you become upset. Use code words freedom to caress and lick each other as
only you two understand: “red” (stop), “green” you’re listening to her talk. Or try one partner
(having fun), “orange” (not sure but want to keep talking, while the other does whatever the girl
going). (The third person may think you’re nuts, but on the end of the phone is suggesting. (If you
I’m more worried about keeping you two happy). can’t hear her, get your partner to repeat out
• Pile on the compliments afterward (they were loud what she’s saying.) If she agrees and you
more attractive/sexier than the third person). can put her on speaker phone, you can get her
to take the two of you through a particularly
SAFER WAYS TO PLAY naughty sex session, directing your every
• Role-play it instead by inviting vibrators and move. Or if you’ve got two phones, you can
dildos into your bed, along with a blindfold. It feels both listen separately and masturbate.
like you’re making love with more than one person,
without actually doing it. You can perform imaginary A few words of warning: don’t use work or a
fellatio to a third party on a vibrator. friend’s phones to call and, if you’re worried,
• Watch erotic same-sex videos If he wants two ask how it will appear on your phone bill. (It’s
women, watch lesbian porn (you’re not going to be unlikely they’re doing business as “Extremely
starved for choice!). If she craves two men, rent a Dirty Phone Sex” but check anyway.) When
DVD with a threesome theme. Mimic the action— you call to reserve the session, tell them what
you might be surprised how realistic it can feel. sort of fantasy you want to indulge.
6
Tantric, Tao, the Kama Sutra and how spiritual
sex can satisfy more than just your body. If you
want sex with soul, you might just find it here.
hippie trippy sex
136

Grassroots sex
 ern edge w ith sex that en courages
Get an East ns ual exploration.
intimacy, togetherness, an d se
 COSMIC CONNECTION 139

Cosmic connection
How to put the Ahhh! into Om
I have to be honest and say I initially approached the topic of spiritual sex with great skepticism.
It might well be based on concepts and principles drawn from musty, ancient texts (which makes
us automatically assume the content is wise), but let’s all be honest here: some of it really is a
bunch of BS. Like, does anyone really “get down on all fours and pretend to be lions roaring at
one another”? Please, God, tell me no. While I can think of some very good reasons to get down
on all fours, pretending to be a lion isn’t one of them.

It’s not a myth that Tantric sex can go on

for one to two hours, but the jury’s still out on
whether longer sex equals more enjoyable sex.

I’m also not terribly impressed by claims that loss of semen weakens a man and shortens his life.
If this is true, how come Hugh Hefner is still alive? A spiritual sex fan, I wasn’t! Until I started reading
in earnest and... if you can get past the let’s-all-pretend-we’re-little-flowers-growing-in-the-earth stuff,
there’s actually some damn good, sound advice
mixed in there. I emerged from the research
pleasantly surprised—and, dare I say, a tad
Why you might like it
converted! (Academic research, not practical
• Lots of the mushy stuff (e.g., hands
stuff, by the way—sadly, I really don’t lie around
on hearts, synchronizing breathing)
instantly testing out every theory with a never-
can make people feel more secure.
ending stream of gorgeous men!)
• It’s creative and new.
• Couples are encouraged to live
Now, before I attempt to pass on what I think
in the moment, take time out, and
are the best parts, I must point out I’m not even
watch stress levels.
going to attempt to summarize the true spiritual
• There’s no rush to orgasm.
meanings and intellectual theories behind my
• You’re told to make a sacred space;
discoveries. Fascinating as it is, the sex part of
clean sheets and scented candles
the Kama Sutra is in fact just one book in a
make a nice change from dog
series of seven, and to truly embrace and
hair and toast crumbs.
understand Tantra takes a lifetime. Besides,
we’re different creatures than we were back
 140 H I P P ie T R I P P Y S E X

then. Our lifestyles, beliefs, and values have changed, so some of the cultural and spiritual beliefs
could be hard to relate to. Instead, I’m going to focus on practical sex tips or lessons we can learn.
If you like what you’re reading and think you’d like to explore more, put down that bowl of lentils
and get onto the Net or into a bookstore to choose from lots of great books on the subject of
spiritual sex. This is a mere “taster” of what to expect from each—turn to page 146 if you’d like
to try out some Tao or Tantric techniques; see page 150 for Kama Sutra–style positions.

Does anyone really “get down on all fours

and pretend to be lions roaring at one
another”? Please, God, tell me no.

TANTRA
What is it? It’s an Eastern science that emerged out of a rebellion against a Hindu belief that
suggested sex was a no-no if you wanted “spiritual enlightenment.” It’s been around since the
seventh century and honors the sacred union of the male and female energies that create life.
Shiva, the male Hindu god, is the embodiment of pure consciousness; and Shakti, the female,
is the embodiment of pure energy.
The basic principles: Sex is slowed down. There’s gradual, controlled thrusting, rather than
the usual frenetic free-for-all. This enables women to use learned techniques like vaginal tensing
and flexing—a fancy version of pelvic floor exercises. (It’s not a myth Tantric sex can go on for
one or two hours, by the way, but the jury’s still out on whether longer sex sessions lead to
more enjoyable sex.) Tantra also teaches you how to stay in the moment. If you’re the type
to drift off while your partner’s still gamely thrusting away (“When will I go to
the gym tomorrow?”), the “connecting” exercises could be useful.
Traditional sex therapy encourages people to lose themselves in the
experience, whereas Tantra is all about staying fully aware and
present. Breathing exercises are designed to improve sexual Spiritual sex
tone, prolong intercourse, and can help men who have is perfect for older men
premature ejaculation. who may take longer to
Lessons to learn become aroused. As the
• It encourages couples to stop being time- or saying goes, “What young
orgasm-focused.
• Tantric techniques involve the heart as well as
men want to do all
other parts. night, takes older men
• There’s no place in Tantra for lovers to be selfish— all night to do.”
it’s all about giving.
You’re taught to let go of body judgments. “Fat days”
don’t exist because you learn to love all of you.
(Or because you look like the girl in this photo.)
 COSMIC CONNECTION 143

Not so sure
• Men are encouraged to prolong lovemaking (the old “retain your semen” thing again), which buys
into the myth that women climax through penetration.
• Rituals are important. Some people love this aspect, others hate having to go through long,
complicated processes just to get some action.
• Tantra often refers to mixing of body fluids (“nectar” or “love juices”). If you’re not having
monogamous sex, mixing is about as sensible as lying in the middle of a freeway during rush hour.
Safe sex and condoms aren’t figured in.

Tantric sex teaches you how to stay in the

moment. So if you’re the type of person who
drifts off while your partner is still gamely
thrusting away, it could be very useful...

KAMA SUTRA
What is it? It’s an ancient sex manual written between the third and fifth centuries. There are
actually seven books in total, though only the second is devoted purely to sex. (Worth wading
through the others, however, if you’d like to know how to break into a harem or how to conduct an
affair successfully!) The Kama Sutra is much, much more than just acrobatic positions for intercourse,
though most modern interpretations focus
almost exclusively on this. Ironically, the
suspected author of the sex book (Vatsyayana)
Modern manuals?
was a lifelong celibate.
Originally, ancient sex manuals like
The basic principles: Interestingly, all the
the Kama Sutra and The Perfumed
complex seduction and sexual techniques
Garden were hidden from women—
actually aren’t aimed at couples in love. If
it was the man’s job to learn how to
you love each other, all you need to do is “let
pleasure his woman. Despite the off-
yourself go and be led by instinct.” (Oh, really?)
putting sexist connotations, both texts
The techniques are designed to help you
are refreshingly open about topics
achieve this state. Some positions seem yoga-
we’ve since become uptight about.
like because they’re designed to facilitate
Both provide early examples
meditation as a couple. They’re also intended
of tasteful pornography and
to allow you to have sex for one or two hours
encourage masturbating in
with minimal movement needed. During this
front of each other.
time, you will exchange vital energies—or fall
asleep. (My money’s on the latter.)
144 H I P P ie T R I P P Y S E X

Lessons to learn
• It recognized female orgasm in a time when others thought According
there was no such thing. to the Kinsey report,
• It recommends the man ensures she climaxes before he does. 15–20 percent of young
• Sexual boredom and monotony are seen as the reason men are capable of
•
why couples split up.
It’s common in India for men to be encouraged to read
repeated orgasm in a
the Kama Sutra before marrying. (If the West instituted
limited period of time.
this type of premarital sex research, I think affairs and 14 percent of females
divorce rates would fall dramatically!) clock up multiple
Not so sure orgasms regularly.
• A man and woman live as one single body and soul. Independent
types and commitment-phobes would run screaming for the hills.
• Those one- to two-hour sessions... sorry to carp, but who’s got time?
• Some of the positions require rubber limbs and plasticine penises.

TAOISM
What is it? The Tao is a book written in the sixth century that talks about the yin (female) and the
yang (male) and the flow of energy between them. This energy is called ch’i and it’s the same life
force that flows in the human body. Couples achieve harmony by learning how to live within the flux
of changing energy.
The basic principles: Taoism recognized that men can have multiple orgasms because orgasm
and ejaculation are two separate processes. (Ejaculation is simply the series of contractions that
pumps the semen out; the feeling of orgasm happens in the brain.) Using long, involved “Sting-like”
processes, men are taught to train their brain and body to separate orgasm from ejaculation.
There’s a focus on lots of foreplay and nine types of thrusting to try—the aim being to achieve
81 thrusts (one set of nine of each type)!
Lessons to learn
• It recognizes that male desire is easier to ignite and quick to burn out, while female arousal
takes longer but tends to last longer.
• There’s an emphasis on slow, prolonged foreplay with lots of finger and mouth action for her.
Not so sure
• Who’s going to keep count until you get to 81?
• Ejaculation is permitted only when necessary. Call my male friends old-fashioned, but none
thought this was a good thing.
• Separating orgasm from ejaculation is something I’ve read lots about, but I’ve never met a man
who’s actually mastered it. Most women aren’t that bothered and would probably be highly
suspicious, rather than in raptures, of an apparent orgasm without any evidence (men fake it, too).
• One suggested method for stopping orgasm is for him to “gnash his teeth.” This, I suspect, would
not be terribly sexy for her.
146 HIPPie TRIPPY SEX

Take a test drive

Tao and Tantric techniques to try

To have a full-body orgasm

Forget clitoral, vaginal, G-spot, or multiple, the full-body orgasm supposedly makes all the competition
pale in comparison. We’re talking hot dogs versus filet mignon, thrift-store hand-me-downs versus
designer clothes... well, according to a Tantrika (someone who’s into Tantra), anyway. They claim
that by learning certain Tantric techniques, you can not only flood your entire body with orgasmic
sensations, you can stay there for minutes or over an hour. You accomplish this by opening your
“chakras”—the body’s energy centers. These are located at the base of the spine, stomach, genitals,
throat, forehead, and crown of the head.

Techniques that could help get you one

• Start with massage:Her massage concentrates on the lower back, spine, and the inside surface
of her arms and legs. His focuses on the central area of the feet, which indirectly stimulates the
liver (which controls and releases blood needed for erection).
• Get the balance right: Taoists encourage men to absorb the woman’s fluids. It’s called “the great
liberation of the three peaks.” (Yes, really.) In non-Taoist terms, this basically means he must lick
her lips and tongue, her breasts, and her genitals. Secretions from these parts are supposedly
fabulous for his health—chances are she won’t argue otherwise.
• Read the signs:Spiritualists believe it’s possible for both of you to achieve “supreme pleasure” if
the man pays attention to five significant signs of female desire. (In case you hadn’t noticed, a lot
of spiritual sex is focused on the woman, which could possibly explain my warming enthusiasm!)
This is what you’re looking for: 1. When she blushes and her body temperature rises, she’s in the
mood for “tender play.” 2. When her nipples harden and small drops of sweat appear around her
nose, she’s ready to be penetrated. 3. If her throat or lips seem dry, she wants faster and deeper
thrusts. 4. When her lubrication turns “slippery,” he should move into the “deep explosion” (keep
thrusting and don’t stop) and squeeze his body against hers, each time with “more insistence.”
5. When he spots secretions of a thick fluid on her thighs, she’s reached the “high tide” of
orgasmic explosion. Sadly for him, he’s forced to keep wading in the shallow end. Instead of being
able to let go and orgasm after all that hard work, he’s advised to immediately begin his breathing
exercises to postpone ejaculation for as long as possible. The two of you then switch into various
intercourse positions, in search of the infamous “supreme pleasure.” The whole thing sounds (and
is) both pleasurable and a pain in the ass. Speaking of which, by the way, there’s more than one
technique involving anal penetration for him in spiritual sex, the rectum being the home of the
male “G-spot” (prostate gland).
 A sampler of
the other stuff
• Mantras are spoken or chanted during Tantric
sex, the most famous and common one
To delay ejaculation being om mani padme hum. Mani means
• Find theMillion Dollar Point: One of the oldest “thunderbolt” (referring to his penis), padme
Taoist techniques involves pressing the “Million means “lotus” (vagina), and hum is the highest
Dollar Point” while he contracts his PC muscle form of enlightenment. Tantrikas chant to
(the one you’d use to stop yourself from urinating). awaken sexual energy and to mimic the
This helps delay ejaculation by interrupting the energy vibration of the universe.
ejaculatory reflex. This technique is best mastered
by him initially. Ideally, guys, you’d push your finger • The fiveM’s or pancamakara appears,
inside your anus, up to the first joint, searching for a on the surface, to be hedonistic heaven—a
small indentation. The squeamish could try to find it feast followed by an orgy (now we’re talking!).
by pressing it externally through the perineum (the The first four involve eating and drinking
area between the testicles and anus). aphrodisiacs. The fifth is maithuna—ritualistic
• Do aFinger Lock: When you’re hovering close to sex that allows you to experience “higher”
a spill-the-seed moment, press the three middle pleasure while your body’s still digesting the
fingers of your strongest hand into the Million Dollar physical type. If you were a man who lived in
Point, hard enough to stop the flow of semen. (Do it (glorious) times past, you might have had
externally, pushing on the perineum.) You’re basically maithuna with over 100 women a night. The
pushing your middle finger against the urethral tube, point of this, however, wasn’t to boast to your
which swells when close to ejaculation, making it friends later, but to surpass mortal pleasure and
easier to find. The other fingers press on each side reach a form of connection through performing
of the tube to hold it in place. Once you’ve done specific ritualistic sex. People moved very little
this, contract your PC muscle and “draw” your during these acts, possibly because the vaginal
orgasmic energy up to the spine and to your brain. secretion was collected from the woman’s
(Yes, you possibly will take a few attempts to get the genitals afterward and mixed with a bowl of
hang of that last part.) Hold your fingers in place until water. This was offered to the gods; later, the
the contractions and pumping stop completely. man drank the water, completing the circle.
If you’re a very good boy and practice a LOT, you
eventually can rely purely on a mind technique To keep things simple, try these: For
called “the big draw” to stop ejaculation. You will, harmonious sex, press similar body parts
understandably, lose your erection after doing the together—lips to lips, hands to hands, genitals
Finger Lock. But that’s sort of the point, and it will to genitals. For excitement and stimulation,
return with a vengeance before you can say, press dissimilar body parts together—mouth to
“Oops! Time to do another Finger Lock.” genitals, mouth to breast, penis to anus, etc.
150 HIPPY TRIPPY SEX

The 10 all-time-best

1
show-off sex positions
LEGGING IT
Inspired by the Kama Sutra, this position is suitable for the “highest congress”—meaning the
vagina is fully open to allow for maximum penetration. She is fully exposed, showing her “wet
and longing” parts to her partner, which can be one hell of a turn-on for both of you. He has
a great view, watching his penis move in and out. You can’t kiss because your faces can’t get
close, which ups the erotic tension and makes you concentrate solely on penetration.
2
T H E 10 A L L-T I M E - B E S T S H O W - O F F S E X P O S I T I O N S 151

THE TANTRIC MELT

A version of a Tantric sitting posture, this ensures you’ll “be as one” by
“dissolving” into each other. Eye contact combined with close torsos makes
it intimate, and you can practice synchronizing your breath (if it appeals!).
Interestingly, this pose puts both of you in a power position. She’s on top,
so can control the rhythm, speed, and depth of thrusting, but she’s also
effectively sitting in his lap, which is a traditionally submissive female pose.
If she sat higher and rested her thighs in the crook of his elbow, he could
lift her, taking complete control.
 3
152 HIPPY TRIPPY SEX

SIDE STRADDLE
A pose with significance, the shape of this pose replicates
a specific pattern the ancient Chinese used when fusing
two pieces of jade together. She lies on her side, bending
one leg at the knee and drawing it upward. He kneels
behind her, straddling her side-on, and entering her at
a sideways angle, holding her shoulder to keep her in
place. It’s precise positioning, which gets you both in the
mood for controlled, disciplined sex.

A rival to the Kama Sutra, The Perfumed

Garden details six movements—like “bucket
in the well”—to try during intercourse.
4
T H E 10 A L L-T I M E - B E S T S H O W - O F F S E X P O S I T I O N S 153

PASSION PICK UP
Despite popular perception, the Kama Sutra only describes about
24 positions, with most involving the woman lying on her back with her
legs in a variety of positions. But even subtle changes in position can
make an enormous difference to the angle of penetration. A variation on
“Legging It” (see page 150), the man kneels instead of sits, pulling her
high and aiming for front-wall stimulation. G-spot fans will love it, but it’s
also ideal if he wants to work on her clitoris. Male Tantra devotees would
draw her feet up to touch his mouth and forehead to convey “tenderness,
humility, and devotion.” Non-Tantrics simply relax and enjoy the prime view
of both her genitals and her facial expressions.
5
154 HIPPY TRIPPY SEX

BALANCED BABE
He sits on a high-backed chair; she straddles him, then moves one leg at
a time to rest her ankles on his shoulders. If he’s a fan of look-but-can’t-
do-anything-about-it lap-dancing, this will make his year. He cops a full
view of her bits, and she squeezes her thighs together to increase pressure
on his penis. Excellent for a man who needs extra friction to stimulate him
to climax (older or a few too many drinks). Because both are precariously
balanced, he’s not able to stimulate her clitoris, so oral sex or hand
stimulation before or after wouldn’t be a bad idea.
6
T H E 10 A L L-T I M E - B E S T S H O W - O F F S E X P O S I T I O N S 155

TOPSY TURVY
Who said the missionary position is boring?! Spin it around for a
sensational twist. If he’s adventurous, he’ll enter in the traditional
position (heads on the same end) and slowly spin until he’s facing
the opposite way. The more sensible penetrate while in position
(and yes, it is difficult). She’ll like it because her clitoris and labia are
in contact with his pelvis, adding much-needed pressure. If he’s into
anal stimulation, she’s in the perfect place to penetrate with a well-
lubricated finger. If she’s into toe-sucking, this is the position for you!

The less adventurous can accomplish

“Balanced Babe” by getting her to sit up,
lean forward, and put her feet on the floor.
 7
156 HIPPY TRIPPY SEX

THE CAVE
The Kama Sutra rather charmingly extols the virtues
of positions like this because she offers her “red cave”
for him to admire before penetration. Not for girls who
find touching their toes a challenge; rubbery, supple,
s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d limbs are a necessity. Normal thrusting is
impossible; instead, rock in a seesaw motion. With legs
closed, the vaginal canal becomes invitingly narrow; she
spreads her legs for wider access and deeper penetration.

The Cave is great for men with short penises

because it raises, tilts, and exposes the
vulva, making it feel better for both of you.
8
T H E 10 A L L-T I M E - B E S T S H O W - O F F S E X P O S I T I O N S 157

TOTALLY BONKERS
This is the position you’d dearly love your partner’s gorgeous ex to catch
you in. “Advanced” isn’t the word for it; “bonkers” probably is. If you’re
using a chair, for God’s sake, make sure it’s wedged firmly up against a
wall. (A very hard bed can also work.) She leans her shoulders back
against his chest as he penetrates, tipping her bottom upward toward him
to make penetration possible. If he keeps slipping out (and he will), she
spreads her legs wider and tips her bottom up even higher. This has all
the trademarks of Kama Sutra—it looks impractical, but if he’s strong
and she’s supple, it is possible. Just.
9
158 HIPPY TRIPPY SEX

THE BULL
Erotic sculptures of “the man mounting the woman like a bull” can be
found in Hindu temples. Tantra doesn’t shy from animalistic sex, and acting
out the postures of animals is seen as liberating for both sexes. This typical
rear-entry position means she “surrenders” to him completely... but she
can lean backward or forward to alter the angle of the vagina, so is still
(semi) in control. It allows both to fantasize, and he can thrust deeply,
with a fabulous view of her buttocks thrown in for good measure!
T H E 10 A L L-T I M E - B E S T S H O W - O F F S E X P O S I T I O N S 159

10 CARNAL CLASSIC
Tantra specializes in postures designed
to create equilibrium in body, mind,
and spirit. This position—the woman
entwined, completely supported by
the man—appears frequently in erotic
Hindu art. An almost identical position
features in the Kama Sutra’s repertoire,
this time designed to encourage passion
and creativity. Not for the faint-hearted,
this can be made easier if she leans
against a wall and pushes her back into
it for leverage. A favorite show-off
position, it’s primal and perfect for
a quickie (see pages 74–75).
 FIT FOR SEX 161

Fit for sex

Healthy body = healthy sex life
So you’re looking around the bar, checking out the talent and ready to find someone to try out all
those tempting Tantra techniques on, when your eyes settle on the guy in the corner. He’s downing
his seventh beer, polishing off his third bag of chips, and about to light his 25th cigarette of the day.
Sexy beast! Not. But forget the beer gut, pimply skin, bad breath, and stained teeth, they’re just the
external reasons why this guy isn’t a nominee for superhot sex. His poor diet and unhealthy lifestyle
make him lethargic—and you need energy for good sex. He’s also more likely to have erection
problems because smoking has been linked to impotence and a low libido, given that he’s starved of
desire-enhancing nutrients. Tantric, Tao, Kama Sutra—all three schools of thought work on a holistic
approach to sex. To get sex right, everything needs to work together as a well-coordinated whole.
That means taking care of yourself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Here’s how...

EAT YOUR WAY TO BETTER SEX

There’s always been a link between food and sex, but quite apart from its obvious hedonistic
pleasures (eaten, smeared, or inserted!), it’s the nutrients that are essential for good sex. The better
your diet, the more energy you have to do naughty things. The better your body image, the more
inclined you’ll be to show your body off. Skipping meals makes us irritable; overeating makes us feel
fat, sluggish, and deeply unsexy. The trick to maintaining your sex drive, feeling and looking good,
and keeping your libido hovering deliciously high, is to eat little and often, and include lots of “sexy”
foods in your diet. While all healthy food is good for you, some nutrients are linked to sexual health
more than others. Ian Marber (The Food Doctor and wonderful friend) suggests you add the
following to your shopping cart to keep everything in a tip-top sexual state:
• Zinc: The most important mineral for sexual behavior and fertility, zinc helps create enzymes that
govern taste and smell—both crucial for sexual arousal. Boost your levels
with shellfish, eggs, cheese, lamb, poultry, lentils, brown rice.
• Magnesium: This keeps your sex hormones nicely balanced,
aids sexual stamina, and is vital for sexual sensitivity, arousal, Our sex life
ejaculation, and orgasm. Boost your levels: eat green leafy mirrors the rest of our
vegetables, nuts, cheese, bananas, cereal. life. It’s a reflection of
• Calcium: We need it for nerve transmission and muscle our health, lifestyle,
contraction associated with male erection and female
orgasm. Boost your levels: eat dairy products, green leafy
emotions, and relation-
vegetables, beans, prunes, nuts, dried fruit.
ships. The better they
• Arginine: This amino acid derived from protein foods is are, the better sex
necessary for all growth and sexual development. Boost your we’re having.
levels: eat all animal foods, dairy, popcorn (yes, really).
162 H I P P ie T R I P P Y S E X

• Vitamin C: Not just for guarding against the common cold, it also
boosts your sex drive and strengthens the sex organs. Boost your
levels: eat berries, citrus fruits, mangoes, potatoes, broccoli. The body’s
production of
Add a sex supplement:
feel-good endorphins
• Natural Viagra: The amino acid L-arginine is generally can increase up to
regarded as the natural equivalent of Viagra and is a
much safer alternative if you have high blood pressure.
200 percent from the
It works by increasing the level of a chemical called nitric beginning to the
oxide in the body. This acts as a nerve transmitter, increasing end of a good
blood flow to the penis. It’s found in chicken, eggs, beef, and sex session.
dairy products, or you can take concentrated quantities in a
supplement. Yohimbe is another alternative. It was prescribed for
erectile dysfunction before Viagra became available.
• Good for guys: Siberian ginseng (increases sperm count), yerba mate (for short-term energy),
sarsaparilla (for prostate health), saw palmetto (for erection problems).
• Good for girls: Evening primrose oil (for PMS and a high sex drive), bee pollen, and royal jelly
(both also boost sex drive); catuaba (reduces stress), chaste berry (regulates hormones).

SEXERCISE
Any woman who’s ever had a child knows all about “Kegel” or “PC” exercises. Seems like you’ve just
finished pushing the baby out when the doctor starts telling you to pull everything in again. (Like,
owwwww!) As much as you’d be justified in telling the doc to get lost when you’re still at the stage
when you swear you’ll never have sex again,
regularly contracting your vaginal muscles
is such an effective exercise, you’d be well
advised to smile sweetly and listen up
instead. Pelvic floor exercises don’t just
produce a tight vagina (which, by the way,
isn’t just for him, it increases your sensitivity
as well), they also boost sexual desire,
intensify orgasm, and can help you become
multi-orgasmic. Sound good? Let’s
start squeezing!

First, find your PC muscle by stopping the

flow of your urine (try not to pull in your
bottom or tummy at the same time). Once
you’ve isolated it, squeeze and contract,
holding it for a few seconds, then release.
 164 HIPPie TRIPPY SEX

Start with repetitions of 25 and do two sets a day. It’s then a case of working up to around
50 repetitions, several times a day, but holding the squeeze for longer. That’s your basic exercise,
but if you really want to make a difference fast, take a tip from The Multi-Orgasmic Woman
(by Mantak Chia and Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams) by doing the following routine—it gets excellent
results, trust me!

• Lie down or sit on the edge of the bed or chair and insert two fingers inside your vagina, up
to your second knuckle.
• Squeeze your PC muscle around your fingers. Hopefully, you’ll feel your vagina contract around
your fingers. (If you don’t, do a week or two of basic Kegel exercises to get the muscles in shape.)
• Spread your fingers apart to make a “peace” sign, but keep them relaxed. Now contract your
muscles and try to bring your fingers together, using just the muscle.
• Try contracting and holding for 10 seconds, then relax for 10. Aim to do 10 repetitions, twice a day.

Be realistic: age affects erections. You’re

not going to be as hard or have as many at
age 40 as you did when you were 18.

DO PENIS PUSH-UPS
She’s not the only one who’ll benefit from doing PC exercises. The pubococcygeus muscle in men
is a muscular sling that stretches from the pubic bone in the front to the tailbone in the back. Again,
find it by stopping your urine in midstream. Chances are you’ll probably feel it in the perineum (the
area between your testicles and anus). This muscle is also responsible for the contractions you feel
in your pelvis and anus during orgasm. Taoists (and others) believe that if you strengthen this muscle
enough, you can have multiple orgasms—yes, just like her! Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate
processes—orgasm is simply the feeling in the brain. By strengthening your PC muscle, it’s possible
to control ejaculation and separate the two so you can feel an orgasm in your brain, without
ejaculating. For the rest of you, who’d simply like to intensify your orgasms, strengthen your erections,
(and be able to show off to your girlfriend by putting a towel on your erect penis and moving it up
and down), this exercise will do nicely.
• Isolate the muscle by stopping your urine in midflow.
• Mentally focus, then breathe out, contracting your PC muscle.
• Now breathe in while releasing the muscle.
• Start with 10 repetitions and work up to around 40. You can’t overdo this, so aim for at least two
or three sets a day. (Yes—a day! And you can’t use the “I’m too busy” excuse for this one. The joy
of Kegels is that you can do them anywhere without anyone knowing.)
 hand j ob t e chni q u e s 165

FOR A HAPPY, HEALTHY VAGINA FOR A HAPPY, HEALTHY ERECTION

• Change your tampon frequently. • Be realistic. Age affects erections. You’re not
• To always smell sweet, avoid garlic, tight going to be as hard or have as many erections
clothing, synthetic panties, pantyhose. at 40 as you will at 18. Don’t stress about it.
• Wipe front to back after using the toilet. • Lead a healthy life, and exercise. The better
• Rinse thoroughly after washing. your general health, the less likely you are
• Ideally, wash with a soap-free liquid (available to need medication—a common cause
in most drugstores). of erection problems.
• Pee before and after sex to flush out bacteria. • Avoid stress—a calm penis is a happy
• Don’t even think about using vaginal one. Overworked, exhausted penises
deodorant. (not surprisingly) have trouble rising to
• Have sex a lot to keep your muscles toned the occasion.
and your vaginal walls flexible. • Watch your diet. Burgers, pizza, too much
• Masturbate regularly using a variety of beer—it all works to slow down your blood
techniques (fingers, vibrator) so you don’t flow. A strong, regular blood flow is what’s
become dependent on one type of stimulation. needed to engorge the tissues that make
• Use a good-quality lubricant to protect the your penis get hard.
delicate walls of the vagina from tiny cuts • Don’t binge-drink. One drink gives you
and tears. courage, another loses your inhibitions, the
• Exercise—it improves the blood flow essential third often loses your erection.
for sexual arousal. • Don’t smoke. As I said, there are definite links
• Stop smoking. It’s linked to cervical cancer. between smoking and impotence.
7
Saucy games, “treat” techniques and one
sensational sex weekend: all you need to make love
and make merry! The couple that plays, stays.
a little something for
the weekend
game for anything
 ch fr oli cs , to pl es s T w is te r: gr own-up
B ea us.
games for the kid inside all of
 Y O U R S E N S AT I O N A L S E X W E E K E N D 171

Your sensational sex weekend

Tried, tested, and planned to perfection!
In a recent survey of American marriage counselors, therapists were asked to reveal the one thing
they thought most helped save a struggling marriage. Over 80 percent chose regular weekends away.
Don’t underestimate what two days away from routine, pressure, and normality can do for your
relationship and sex life! If you can find a babysitter, escape without the children (squash guilt by

Being slightly tipsy at a completely

inappropriate time of the day sets the scene for
your slide into complete and utter hedonism!

reminding yourselves that happy parents = happy kids). If not, choose somewhere the kids can play
unsupervised by you. While a fancy hotel is the ideal and most popular choice (the reason why I’ve
used one as a base for this guide), it doesn’t need to be expensive. There are amazing deals to be
found on the Internet—snap up the bargains by planning ahead and, ideally, aim for one weekend
away every two to three months.

One final bit of advice, though, before we get down to the nitty-gritty: remember that the best-laid
plans can go astray. Some of my romantic getaways lost their shine when I got food poisoning (too
adventurous with local cuisine, too soon), a crippling bout of cystitis (too much sex, too soon), was
feeling so sore and swollen that sex was impossible (too much sex, too
soon), or was too drunk to have sex (too much, too soon again).
(Who me, excessive?) Be prepared for any potential problems by
using lubricant, and taking supplies of thrush cream, antibiotics
for urinary infections, spare contraceptive supplies, aspirin for Saucy underwear is
hangover headaches, and spare credit cards in case there’s
a problem drawing money from a particular account.
compulsory to pack. So
are your favorite sex
Right! Now that that’s settled, here’s a stroke-by-stroke, toys, a scarf for tie-
lick-by-lick, thrust-by-thrust guide of what to do, where, and up, a blindfold,
when. Feel free to adapt the plan to suit your mood and massage oil...
destination, add your own signature sex moves, and I promise
this is one weekend you’re not going to forget in a hurry!
 172 a little S O M E T H I N G F O R T H E W E E K E N D

DAY ONE: ON THE WAY THERE

On a plane: Drink! I don’t care if it’s 6 am, your corn flakes are sitting uncomfortably, and your
eyes are held open with last night’s toothpicks. Pry them wide enough to read the drinks menu and
order champagne. Drink it. Lots of it. Being slightly tipsy at a completely inappropriate time of the day
sets the scene for your slide into complete and utter depravity and hedonism. (This is a good thing.)
If you’re a confirmed teetotaller, you’re allowed sparkling water, but you have to order chocolate to
maintain the wickedness level. Skip the mile-high club (overrated—and uncomfortable) and instead
place a blanket over your laps and discreetly fool around while one reads and the other looks
innocently out of the window.

Turn the TV to the porn channel—it’s come

a long way since Debbie did Dallas. You might
well find there’s a smattering of smart, sexy,
female-produced erotica nestled among the
traditionally tacky stuff.

In a car: Getting a blow-job while driving fast along a highway in a convertible (car—red; girl—
blonde) is up there on most men’s “What I Really Want For Christmas” list. But there’s a reason why
this fantasy tends to be fulfilled by cheerleaders and college girls: when you’re 18, you tend not to
think things like “If he’s having an orgasm, he’s not exactly paying attention to driving” or “This could
be fun but could also kill us.” A less dangerous, but no less appealing version of this, is to casually
reach across, unzip and expose him, then dispense a leisurely, lazy hand-job that keeps him standing
to attention but not losing it.
On arrival: Explore the hotel, “ooh” and “aah” at all the nice things—then choose one place in
the room that particularly strikes you. This is the location for some teasing. She gets two minute-long
bouts of oral sex (broken by kissing her breasts). He gets two minute-long bouts of fellatio (broken
by kissing his neck). Don’t remove all your clothes, just pull your panties aside and his pants to his
knees. You’re not allowed full sex yet (and no, I won’t be bribed!).
During the day: After lunch and perhaps some shopping, go for a walk in the countryside/around
the resort and have sex somewhere you might get caught. There’s an exhibitionist trapped inside all
of us. When we were young, we quickly learned that anything our parents banned was a hell of a
lot of fun. As an adult, the law bars us from doing sexy things outside or in public places, so we
automatically assume that’ll be great as well. And it is! To openly defy the rules feels fabulous! It
might take you a few swift ones to get up the nerve, and you might feel slightly appalled that you
took the risk in the cold light of the next day. But at that very second, it’s worth every heart-stopping
Massaging your lover’s shoulders isn’t just a caring
thing to do—mixing in a few cunning strokes of
more sensitive flesh can pay lusty dividends.
Make like you’re stars of the “having fun on
the beach scene” of a movie. OK, no one gives each
other piggybacks in real life, but it could be fun!
 Y O U R S E N S AT I O N A L S E X W E E K E N D 175

moment. If you’re too chicken (or in a country where the penalty for even kissing outdoors is to be
beheaded), capture the sense of being discovered by doing it on the balcony where passers-by can
only see your seemingly innocent top half.
After dinner: Turn the TV to the porn channel—it’s come a long way since Debbie did Dallas. While
traditional porn still features heavily, there’s usually a good smattering of new stuff, some made by
women for women. In other words, there are X-rated movies out there that are smart, fun, and clever.
Keep in mind that most porn is highly doctored, porn stars are chosen for extreme appendages, and
nearly all the sex is highly unrealistic (women orgasm in seconds at the sight of a man’s thigh), and
you might find it’s arousing (not to mention a good laugh). Make it even more fun by enforcing a
rule as you’re watching: you can touch your partner but they can’t touch you. Then swap roles.

DAY TWO
Wake your partner by kissing them, then put your hands over their eyes, effectively robbing them
of their sense of sight. Make it more permanent by using a blindfold (such as a scarf or the “sleep
mask” you got on the plane). Being blindfolded and made love to is a top turn-on for many because
it sends anticipation skyward. You might think you know your lover’s moves inside out, but if you’re
not sure what you’re getting, where and how, predictable turns startlingly sexy.
After your afternoon nap: Play strip dice. List the numbers one to six and make each number
correspond to clothing (1. jeans 2. bra. 3. socks etc.). Then take turns throwing the dice. Depending
on which number comes up, the thrower has to take off the corresponding item of clothing. But you
can’t just remove it—it has to be done striptease-style, flamboyantly and dramatically!
Drinks before dinner: Pre-dinner cocktails are enjoyed in your room, looking at the view (each
other) and having a kissathon. If you don’t really like how your lover kisses, this is a good way to get
them to change, without having to ask outright.
Instead, challenge them to a kissing competition
where you both have to see how many
Become narcissists:
different techniques you can come up with. Be
• Most hotels discreetly position full-
particularly enthusiastic of the technique you
length mirrors so you can watch
most like and even the dimmest lover usually
yourselves in bed. Position yourselves
gets the hint.
so the person receiving pleasure can
Back in bed: Make like you’re a mannequin.
see exactly what’s going on.
One of you becomes a store dummy, unable
• If your room has a large bathtub, it’s
to move. The other has a field day—kissing,
rude not to have sex in there! Go
fondling, touching, and penetrating. You can
easy on the bubbles so you have
play this game two ways: simply as a teasing
a good view of gloriously naked
game or as a form of erotic feedback. In the
flesh. Pick favorite parts of your
second version of the game, the “mannequin”
partner’s body—look but don’t
still can’t move but can speak, calling out a
touch as you wax lyrical.
number from one to ten to rate how good the
sensation feels.
 great sex games 177

Great sex games

Because grown-ups need fun too!
Some people love games, others loathe them. But even if you are the type who develops sudden
diarrhea at the mere mention of the word “charades,” you might just find something to tickle your
fancy here. As I always say (over and over and over, till you’re sick of hearing it): the couple that
plays together, stays together. The reason I keep repeating myself is this: it’s true!! Stop playing and
you’ll fall out of love. Keep having fun and you’ll stay together. Simple as that. Now, do as you’re told.
I order you to have fun!

Stop playing and you’ll fall out of love. Keep

having fun and you’ll stay together. Simple as that.
Having fun isn’t a luxury, it’s essential.

To have a bit of a laugh

• Make obscene phone calls: One of you goes outside or into another room, then dials the
other, pretending they have no idea who they’ve just called—but have every intention of being
shockingly rude. Ask questions like: “What are you wearing?” Give instructions like: “Pull your
panties to one side for me,” “Reach down and grab that big, sexy erection you’ve got.” At first, the
person you’ve called is shocked and outraged, but then they seem oddly turned on by it all...

• Be flashers: Turn the lights off, then take turns lighting one area
of your own body with a flashlight. Each lit body part must be
touched, stroked, and/or licked for two minutes, then the light
gets passed on to the next person. (Note to boys: It gets If you’re
very, very boring if the only thing ever under the spotlight noisy types, record
is long and cylindrical.) yourselves having sex.
• Play “dress-up”: Vinyl nurses’ outfits, baby doll
Play it back when
lingerie, all-in-one catsuits—they’re straight out of the
you’re somewhere you
80s and tons of fun. You pay through the nose for them can’t fool around.
in a sex shop and they’re not terribly well made, but if you It’s one hell of a
have a little cash and you like them, why not? If the thought turn-on....
of you dressed up as Nurse Betty/Spiderman makes you want
 178 a little S O M E T H I N G F O R T H E W E E K E N D

to scream with hilarity rather than lust, put together a less obvious home-spun creation. For her,
a little kimono with nothing underneath, or long black satin gloves worn with a push-up bra, or
high heels and no panties. For him, a bare chest with a pair of great jeans, top button undone,
or a fetching pair of testicle-hugging Calvins.

To learn more about each other’s hot spots

• Fantasy dice: Write down and number the beginning of six fantasies (something like “Suddenly
I felt my girlfriend’s mother put her hand on my knee under the table. Even worse, she was really
attractive” or “And there I was—in the middle of an orgy”), then take turns throwing the dice. When
the person lands on a number, they have to complete the corresponding fantasy out loud. It’s a
sneaky, not-too-embarrassing way to find out your partner’s secret turn-ons because we rarely
make up a fantasy that doesn’t appeal to us.

Make up your own redeemable sex coupons and

leave promised treats for your partner to discover.
Their reward for being very, very good is
your being very, very bad.

• Be a sex therapist: One of you goes somewhere private to take a call from a “patient” you’re
trying to help. The patient rings and pretends to ask for advice on how to please their partner. The
therapist goes into lots of detail describing what would be a good way to do this. (All, of course,
their personal idea of heaven!) If you like this one, get the therapist to make an appointment for
the patient, so the therapist can give “hands-on” demonstrations of each technique.

• Look, no hands! There’s a tendency for people to do most what they think they’re best at, and
if you’re too dependent on your hands to turn each other on, cut them off! Or perhaps not. A less
drastic option is to tie your partner’s hands together, then ask them to seduce you. They’ve got
no option but to up the oral quotient by using their lips, teeth, and tongue—or inventively explore
interesting options using parts of themselves they wouldn’t usually dream of incorporating into love
play. If you really want to make things interesting, both of you tie your hands behind your backs.

• Play guinea pig: Grab all the sex toys you own (order some new ones if there’s a lone vibrator
lying forlornly in the drawer—there are loads of couple-friendly products out there for you to try),
then place them on a table in the bedroom, lined up in a formal fashion. Tell your partner they’re
needed as a “test dummy” for a project you’re working on that night. Strip them naked and try out
each and every toy on them. They have to rate them in order of pleasure.
 great sex games 181

To banish boring, routine sex

• Play cards: There are loads of saucy playing cards around, with everything from cutesy to plain
pornographic images pasted on the back. Use these to play any traditional card game. There are
others, however, that don’t just offer a visual treat, they also provide a novel way of improving your
sex life in a nonthreatening format. supersexdeck is my card game (blush), which includes cards
that have an intercourse position on the front with info on how to get the best out of it on the
back. Pick a card, any card, and that nasty him-rolling-on-top-after-a-six-pack habit could be a thing
of the past. There are also cards with sexy pics and tips—all designed to help long-term lovers be
more sexually adventurous and new lovers find each other’s sexual triggers. If you’re shy, they’re a
godsend. Too embarrassed to tell your partner your needs and desires? Let the cards speak for
you! (supersexdeck is available from www.traceycoxshop.com).

• Play with food: Smear it, insert it, drip it on and lick it off—food is such a versatile sex toy, the
possibilities are endless. But don’t just think whipped cream, honey, and ice cream. Try warmed
chocolate sauce, raspberry syrup—hell, bread-and-butter pudding if that’s what does it for you!
If you’re on a diet (What, even in bed? Really?) go for avocados, mangoes, berries, and bananas.
Most foods (bar hot, spicy ones) are safe to smear on the outside of the genitals, but you do need
to be a bit careful inserting things. Sugary food can set off yeast infections; oily foods leave a film
that has a nasty habit of “eating” condoms because oil breaks down latex. (Why you would want to
insert that Italian antipasto platter is beyond me, but just thought I’d warn you.) Never, ever squirt
or spray anything into the anus or vagina (not even whipped cream) because it’s incredibly
dangerous. While it’s OK to turn your partner off occasionally when trying new things, turning them
off permanently isn’t the name of the game. Food isn’t just for smearing, by the way—some
people actually eat it! Jumping into bed
together, ready to devour a tray full of
decadent goodies, is unbeatably hedonistic.
Surprise, surprise
Choose bite-size finger foods that look,
• Wait until your partner is in bed,
taste, and feel sexy: smoked salmon,
then get in yourself—from the
strawberries, grapes, chocolate, olives,
bottom end. Crawl under the
oysters on ice, asparagus.
covers, taking pit-stops at places
of interest.
• Put pen to paper: If J.K. Rowling can do • Remember when you couldn’t wait
it, so can you. OK, perhaps your imagination
to be in private so you could
and storytelling skills aren’t quite up to her
rip each other’s clothes off?
standard, but give it a shot nevertheless.
The minute you walk inside,
Make up an erotic story based on you and
grab them and flatten them
your partner, fill it with as much detail as
against the wall, without
possible, then slip it in your partner’s pocket/
turning the lights on first.
briefcase/handbag or leave it under their
pillow at bedtime.
182 A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND

The 10 all-time-best
oral sex techniques
Master these and they’ll love you forever

HIS TOP FIVE

1. Lollipop: This one is often used in porn movies because it lets him see exactly what’s going on.
To fuel this fantasy, drop to your knees. (Depending on your heights, he might need to stand on
something—you need good access to his testicles.) Lift his penis to expose his testicles, then find
the line that runs between them (it’s a tiny ridge that’s often a darker color). Find where this starts
on the underside of his testicles, and that’s where your lollipop lick starts—continuing, very slowly,
to the tip of his penis. Repeat the full-length licks (at least 10), then move into the “classic.”

2. The classic: Use one hand to hold the base of the penis and let saliva pool in your mouth (your
tongue needs to keep him nice and slippery). Make a loose fist with your other hand and slide it up
and down his penis, closing it when you reach the head. Get the hand motion right first, then add
your mouth, letting your hand act as an extension of it. Create a snug vacuum (but don’t suck), then
slide up and down, your hand following your mouth. If you’re not the most coordinated person, hold
your hand still at the base of the penis and simply move your mouth up and down.

3. The twist and swirl: Add oomph to the “classic” or any oral technique by adding the “twist and
swirl.” The combination of firm fingers and a soft tongue feels great and it’s easy to master. As you’re
using your hand to masturbate him, twist it slightly once it reaches the head and at the same time,
swirl the flat of your tongue around the rim of the head. A simple but oh-so-effective move! Also try
frenulum flicks: flicking it using a tensed tongue; or make like a butterfly and “flutter” the frenulum.

4. Ball games: The greatest compliment you can give him is looking like you want to be down
there—and one of the best ways to show this is to explore all of him. Take one or both testicles in
your mouth, hum lightly, suck gently, and/or swirl your tongue around. (If you don’t want to swallow,
switching to testicle stimulation while working on him with your hand is a good alternative.)

5. Rimming: Rimming is oral anal stimulation (sometimes called analingus). It involves licking,
flicking, or inserting a stiff tongue into the anal passage and thrusting like a pretend penis. It feels
great (for both sexes actually) because the area is highly sensitive and loaded with nerve endings.
If you’re worried about germs, STDs or generally squeamish, put a barrier between it and you—try
a piece of plastic wrap, or cut open a condom and lay it across the opening.
 T H E 10 A L L-T I M E - B E S T O R A L S E X T E C H N I Q U E S 183

A magic tongue is one thing, but what

you do with your hands can mean the
difference between good oral sex
and fan-friggin’-tastic oral sex.

HER TOP FIVE

1. The classic: Separate the vaginal lips with your fingers, find the clitoris, and lick around the
edges, slowly and gently. Then relax your tongue and wiggle it side-to-side and up and down over
the clitoris and/or clitoral hood (depending on how sensitive she is). On orgasm, press your flat
tongue against the clitoral head, continuing to lick, or simply let her push against you. Don’t remove
your tongue until she says so—women’s orgasms last much longer than yours!

2. The ice-cream cone: Make your tongue flat and wide, like you’re licking an ice-cream cone,
and start with long, slow, wet licks on the inner lips. Move from this into a swishing motion—imagine
you’re catching the drips of ice cream. As your tongue swishes randomly, you’re now teasing the
edges of the clitoris. Next, alternate long, flat, ice-cream licks on or around the clitoris with firm, short,
fast licks using a tensed tongue. (If the clitoris shrinks or she pulls away, you’re being too rough.)
Alternate the techniques, then settle on the one she seems to like the best, continuing it to orgasm.

3. The zigzag: This technique stops you from overstimulating one area and making the clitoris
oversensitive. The zigzag involves alternating vertical strokes of the tongue on the bottom of the
clitoris, with horizontal strokes across the whole of it. Horizontal strokes are usually more pleasurable,
so do about seven of those to one vertical. Once she’s highly aroused, add in some diagonal licks.
Tilt your head to the side (your ear on her thigh) and using the side of your tongue, start from a low
corner point and finish by brushing up against the clitoral head.

4. Hands on: Let your finger follow behind your tongue so she has a contrast of sensation (soft
tongue, firm fingers) or put a finger in her mouth. She’ll either give it “mini” fellatio or suck it the way
she wants you to lick her. Insert a finger inside her vagina and thrust it in and out; reach up and use
both hands to play with her breasts. If she likes anal stimulation, try simultaneously putting your
thumb inside her anus, a finger into her vagina, and your mouth on her clitoris.

5. Mirror, mirror: Lots of women think their vagina is a weird, purpley, squishy thing. So a guy who
looks at it with lust and/or wonder scores big points. In the early and middle stages of oral sex, suddenly
pull back, stopping to stare at her genitals, letting your eyes also gaze over the rest of her (gorgeous)
body. Only pause for around a minute (and for God’s sake, don’t do it as she’s about to climax!).
186 A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND

The 10 all-time-best
hand-job techniques
Practice makes you the perfect lover

HIS TOP FIVE

Use lubricant for all these techniques—a hand-job without it is like potatoes without the gravy.

1. The classic: This involves wrapping one or two fingers around the shaft of the penis and
manipulating the foreskin, so it moves up and down with each stroke. You need to place your fingers
exactly where he does at the starting position (ask him to show you how he masturbates). To vary
this, make a ring with your index finger and thumb and put it around the base of the penis. As you
pull his penis upward, pull the ringed fingers downward to gently pull his testicles away from his body.

2. The favorite: Hold your right hand horizontally in front of you, the back of your hand facing you,
thumb pointing downward, elbow cocked. Hold the base of his penis: the back of your hand and
four fingers on the side of the penis facing you and your thumb on the side facing him. Slide slowly
up the shaft in a firm, continuous movement and when you reach the part where the shaft meets
the head, slightly twist your hand. Then, keeping your palm close to the head, twist your wrist to pass
your palm over the top of his penis and down the other side. Once you reach the base, slide it back
over (in reverse) into the starting position. Repeat with your left hand and keep alternating.

3. Spanish style: Put some lubricant between your breasts, push them together to make a pretend
vagina, and let him thrust between them. Not only does it seem wickedly disrespectful (always a
good thing in sex, I find!) to be aiming his lethal part straight at your face, he will faithfully follow you
around the Pottery Barn every Sunday morning for a month if you let him ejaculate over you.

4. The twist: Imagine you’re twisting the cap off a bottle of beer (if you really want to make his day,
hand him one before you do this!) Grip the base of the penis with one hand, pulling the foreskin taut,
and the head with the other. Now, twist the top hand firmly, return, then twist again, turning it into a
continuous motion, slowing down or building up speed depending on his response. Your thumb
should be on the frenulum (the stringy bit under the ridge where the head meets the shaft).

5. Finger lock: Clasp your hands and interlock your fingers, overlapping your thumbs, but leaving
room for his penis to slip in the middle. Lower your hands over his penis, close your thumbs to take
a firm hold, then slide your clasped hands up and down, twisting gently as you do.
 the 1 0 all - time - best hand - j ob techni q ues 187

Don’t finish his hand-job in company unless

there’s a good airflow. Semen has a strong,
unmistakable smell and you’ll be busted
before you can say “God, how embarrassing!”

HER TOP FIVE

As with him, you’ll get far better results if you add lubricant for all these techniques.

1. The classic: Place your palm over her pubic hair and bend your middle finger so it’s angled
ready to touch her clitoris, resting on the inner lips. Position your index and ring fingers so they’re
resting on the outer lips. Then use your middle finger to gently rub the clitoris up and down or in
circles, maintaining a slow, steady rhythm. Squeeze the other two fingers to push the outer lips
together and provide extra pressure. A variation is to dip a finger inside her, then slowly slide it along
the inner lips of the vagina, moving up toward the clitoris. Let your whole finger roll against the
clitoris, then move back down to repeat. Don’t touch the clitoris directly the first time.

2. The wall: Put two fingers inside her vagina, then curl them upward so you’re pressing against
the front wall (as though you’re aiming for her stomach). Make sure they’re butting up against (or
even grab onto) her pubic bone. Massage this top area, using firm pressure, and you’re stimulating
the “inner clitoris”—the part which is hidden—and the hypersensitive front vaginal wall.

3. Scissors: Put your index and middle finger together, hold them stiff, so they’re resting on the
inner lips, then move them rapidly from side to side, using a small, gentle movement. Next, “scissor”
your fingers, kicking them in alternating directions. Again, keep the movement small or she’ll hit the
roof with pain, not pleasure.

4. The clock: Imagine there’s a clock dial surrounding the clitoris, then work your way around,
spending five seconds in each “hour” position, making tiny circles with your fingertips. This ensures
you don’t overstimulate the clitoris, plus it gets you to concentrate on the edges rather than the
center (which most women prefer). Lots of women have a “favorite” side, and you’re more likely to
discover it this way. To make the feeling more intense, use your other hand to pull up the skin of the
mons pubis (fleshy bit). This pulls the clitoris out from under its hood, exposing a larger area.

5. The roll: Use the clitoral hood (the fold of flesh protecting the clitoris) like you would a foreskin,
moving it up and down rather than touching the clitoris. Using it as a buffer, roll it between your thumb
and index finger to stimulate the clitoris. (You can use the same motion directly on the clitoris.)
 188 index

Index

banishing 60
A C confessing 39, 48–49
A-spot 68 calcium, in diet 161 creating 61
adventurous sex 17 Carnal Classic position 159 fantasy orgasm 39
for quickies 75 cars, for sex 67, 90, 172 guilt 35, 39, 45, 60
reluctant partner 49, 133 catuaba 162 interpreting 42-47
excuses 18–19 The Cave position 156 male cf female 40–41
“stop now” signals 50, 124, 129, 133 cemeteries, as venue 84 the “other” during sex 35
age and aging 17, 18, 140, 165 chakras 146 pretend rape 41
adolescents chaste berry 162 same sex 41, 45
risky sex 67, 84 Chia, M. & Abrams, R. C., The Multi- seduction 41
same-sex experiences 45 Orgasmic Woman 164 sex play (role-play) 50–61, 133
fantasies about older women 41 children, and parents’ sexual activity cunning ploys 49
alfresco sex see public places for sex 18–19, 171 watching others 41, 42–43
anal beads 111 clitoris see also voyeurism
anal sex 108–109 cf penis 22 fantasy dice 178
anal toys 111 clitoral orgasm 25–26 fellatio, imaginary 133
fantasies 40, 41 The Clock (hand-job) 187 fetishes 95, 102
male “G-spot” 146 condoms and safe sex 84, 109, 133, films 19, 40, 41, 121, 133, 172, 175
stimulation 92, 155, 183 143, 181 Finger Lock
rimming 182 cortisol 84 hand-job 186
analingus 182 “couples” specials, at swingers’ clubs 122 to delay ejaculation 147
anonymous sex (sex with strangers), cross-dressing 102 fingers see hands and fingers
fantasy 41, 53 cybersex 105 flashing light game 177
aphrodisiacs, Tantric sex 147 food and sex 161–162, 165
arginine DE dietary supplements 162
in diet 161 deep-throating 105 food games 181
L-arginine 162 delayed ejaculation, Taoism 144, 146, 147 foot massage, spiritual sex 146
arousal 14–17 depression, semen as antidepressant 84, 92 forbidden sex 41, 46, 92, 108
men 144 dice games “forced” sex 99
Taoism 146 fantasy dice 178 fantasies 41, 46
women 25, 27, 36 strip dice 175 sex slaves 41, 54–57
autoerotic asphyxiation 100 dildos 109, 111, 133 foreplay 19, 144
“dirty” sex 17 see also arousal
B see also adventurous sex foursomes 117
B & D 19, 99–101 dirty talk 27, 92 frequency of sex 17, 19
safety 100 diseases see health frustration (sexual), and arousal 54
Balanced Babe position 154, 155 “dogging” 122 full-body orgasm 146
ball games (oral sex) 182 domination and submission 53, 57,
bathing together 175 127–129 G
bathroom quickies 75, 78 B & D 19, 99–101 G-spot 25, 153
public restrooms 68 safety 100 male “G-spot” (prostate) 146
beaches, as venue 78 dopamine 84 gagging, during B & D 99, 100
bed dressing-up game 177–178 garage quickies 75
crawling in from bottom end 181 see also cross-dressing gays
mirrors 175 drinking 100 anal sex 108
bee pollen 162 binge drinking 165 cross-dressers 102
“blended” orgasm 25 loosening inhibitions 81, 172 social change 127
blindfolds 53, 92, 110, 129, 133, 175 ejaculation, delayed, Taoism 144, 146, 147 see also same sex
body fluids ejaculation, premature 140 gender comparisons
safe sex 143 The Erotic Mind (Morin) 91 anal sex 108
Taoist sex 146 evening primrose oil 162 domination and submission 127–128
bondage and domination (B & D) 19, 99–101 exercise 162–165 fantasies 40–41
safety 100 frequency of wanting sex 99
books on sex 19, 49, 125, 140 F orgasms 26
see also specific titles, e.g. Supersex (Cox) famous places as venue 81–84 duration 183
The Bull position 158 fantasies, sexual 28–61 frequency 22
butt plugs 111 about friends, colleagues, etc. 32, 39, sex toys 110
“butterfly” vibrators 111 40–41, 42, 48 women watching men 37
 index 189

ginseng, Siberian 162 laughing, and sex play 50, 177 male
group sex, fantasies 41 laundry, washing machine quickies 75 cf female 22, 26, 144, 183
see also swinging Legging It position 150 Taoism 144
guilt libido 14 delayed ejaculation 144, 146, 147
about fantasies 35, 39, 45, 60 low 13, 18, 35, 117, 161 delayed orgasm 139, 143, 144
over kinky sex 17, 92, 99 use it or lose it 40 multiple 144, 162, 164
Lollipop (oral sex) 182 premature ejaculation 140
H love and lust 13, 17, 35, 91–95 quickies 71, 74–75
handcuffs 100 lubricants 26, 109, 186, 187 outdoor sex see public places for sex
hands and fingers for quickies 71, 75
clitoral stimulation 26 P
delaying ejaculation 147 M paddles 96, 110
hand-jobs, 10 all-time-best techniques magnesium, in diet 161 pain 96–97, 108-109, 110, 127
186–187 Maithuna 147 unwanted pain 95
Hands On (oral sex technique) 183 mannequin game 175 pancamakara 147
hands-tied sex game 178 mantras, Tantric sex 147 parks for sex 71
masturbation 26 Marber, Ian 161 parties, sex-themed 132
Taoism 144 marriage, see relationships, long-term Passion Pick Up position 153
“harnesses” (strap-on dildos) 111 masochism 127 PC muscle see pelvic
health, and sex 160–165 see also S & M peep booths 122
beneficial effects 14 massage 146, 173 “peeping Toms” 122
ill health 18, 171 masturbation 26, 46, 122, 129, 165 pelvic (PC) muscles 25
outdoor sex 77 cybersex 105 exercises 162–164
safe sex 84, 109, 133, 143, 181 groups 45, 143 penetration and female orgasm 25,
semen as antidepressant 84, 92 peep booths 122 26, 143
sexual diseases 109 phone sex 133 penis 39, 165
heterosexuals to finish off 75 cf clitoris 22
anal sex 108 vibrators 111 penis push-ups (exercises) 164
cross-dressing 102 memories, naughty 84 The Cave for short penises 156
hippie trippy sex 134–165 “Million Dollar Point” 147 penis rings 111
HIV, anal sex 109 Mirror, Mirror 183 The Perfumed Garden 143, 152
mirrors, for watching 175 phone sex 125, 133, 177
IJ missionary position 109, 159 planes, and sex 172
ice cubes 97, 129 Morin, Jack, The Erotic Mind 91 playing cards, sexy 181
Ice Cream (oral sex) 183 The Multi-Orgasmic Woman pornography
impotence, and smoking 161 (Chia & Abrams) 164 cybersex 105
incest fantasies 41, 46, 108 movies 19, 40, 41, 121, 133, 172,
indoor quickies 74–75 N 175
Internet nipple clamps 111 playing cards 181
for information 125 nipple pinching 97 spiritual sex 143
swingers’ meeting places “not in the mood” 17 positions for intercourse 19, 68, 75
118–121 nudity 77, 122 10 all-time-best, spiritual sex 150–159
sex industry 105 see also strip...; stripping A-spot 68
jealousy 39, 48, 102, 132 missionary 109, 159
O problem with standing 68
K oral sex 99, 105, 111, 178 premature ejaculation 140
Kama Sutra 139, 143–144, 150–159 10 all-time-best techniques pubic hair, shaving 104–105
Kegel exercises 162–164 182–183 public places for sex 41, 62-89
“kinky” 92 fantasies 40, 41, 46 at one with nature 78–81
kinky sex 86–111 orgasm 22–27 legality 67, 71, 172–175
stop activity if not liked 19 beneficial effects on health 14 low-risk venues 68
unwanted pain 95 essentials 26 quickies indoors preferred 74–75
kissing 19, 84, 132 fake 22, 144 six all-time best 77–85
kissathon 175 fantasy orgasm 39 public restrooms, for sex 68
kitchen quickies 75 female 22–27, 144
cf male 22, 26, 144, 183 Q
L from fantasies 36, 39 quickies
L-arginine 162 hovering on the brink 26, 108 indoors 74–75
lap-dancing clubs 121–122 full-body 146 standing position 68, 75
 190 index

Spanish-style hand-job 186

R spanking 92, 96–97, 127, 129 U
“Rabbits” 26, 111 spiritual sex 134–165 urine, urophilia 104
rape, sexual fantasy 41 stairs, for quickies 75 use it or lose it 40
relationships, long-term (incl. marriage) standing position, must be quickie 68 play together, stay together 177
13–17, 25, 124 Stanway, Andrew (therapist) 46
decline in desire 35, 117 stop activity if not liked 19 V
guilt over fantasies 35, 45, 60 “stop now” signals 50, 124, 129, 133 vacations
love and lust 13, 17, 35, 91–95 story-writing 181 famous places and sex 81–84
so-so sex 7, 13, 14, 17, 18, 125 strangers, sex with 41, 53 fancy places and sex 81, 171
swinging 117–122, 132 strip clubs 121–122 outdoor sex 77
riding crops 110 strip dice 175 weekends of sex 166–187
rimming 182 “strip sites” 105 vagina
risky sex stripping, female sexual fantasy 41 healthy 165
forbidden 41, 46, 92, 108 studded collars 111 nerve endings 71
see also public places for sex; safe sex submission see domination and pelvic (PC) muscle 25
role-play 50–61, 133 submission exercises 162–164
cunning ploys 49 Supersex (Cox) 7 vaginal orgasm 25
the roll (hand-job technique) 187 supersexdeck card game 181 Viagra 162
royal jelly 162 suspending partner 100 vibrators 26, 97, 110, 111, 133
swimming 69 anal sex 109, 111
S swimming pools 78 “butterfly” vibrators 111
S & M (sadomasochism) 39, 41, 57, 111, underwater 85 for quickies 75
127–129 swinging 92, 117–122 “Rabbits” 26, 111
gear 111 “closed” 118 vibrating penis rings 111
safe sex (incl. condoms) 84, 109, 133, “open” 118 wand-style 26, 111
143, 181 “soft” 118 virgins, fantasies about deflowering 41,
“safe word” to stop 50, 124, 129, 133 swings, intercourse on a swing 71 53–54
same sex 92–95 virtual sex 100
fantasies 41, 45 T Vitamin C, in diet 161
swinging women with women taboo sex 41, 46, 92, 108 voyeurism 117, 122
121–122 talking dirty 27, 92 fantasies 41, 42–43
threesomes 132 Tantric sex 139, 140–143 “strip sites” 105
sarsaparilla 162 techniques 146–147, 151
saw palmetto 162 Passion Pick-up 153 W
Scissors (hand-job technique) 187 Tantric Melt 151 the wall (hand-job technique) 187
seduction fantasies 41 Taoism 144 “wand” vibrators 26, 111
semen 139, 187 techniques 146–147 washing machine quickies 75
antidepressant 84, 92 teasing, during arousal 27, 54 watching others
sex games 177–181 television 19 swinging 116–121
sex play (role-play) 50–61, 133 pornographic movies 19, 40, 41, women watching men 37
cunning ploys 49 121, 133, 172, 175 see also voyeurism
sex slaves, fantasies 41 tents, outdoor sex 67, 81 watching yourselves in mirrors 175
role-play 54–57 theme parks, as venue 84 water and sex 78, 81
sex therapy/therapists 25, 35, 46, 118, threesome sex 92–95, 117–122, see also bathing; bathroom; swimming
140 132 weekends of sex 166–187
sex therapist game 178 fantasies 41 whips 96, 110
sex toys 110–111, 122, 129 thrusting 22, 25, 109 work colleagues, friends, etc., fantasies
guinea pig game 178 nine types in Taoism 144 about 32, 39, 40–41, 42, 48
sex workers tie-up games (bondage) 19, 92, 99–101,
in fantasies 32, 41 127, 129 Y
phone sex 125, 133 female fantasy 46 yerba mate 162
for swingers 122 hands-tied sex game 178 yin, yang, and ch’i 144
Shiva and Shakti 140 toe sucking 155 Yohimbe 162
showers for sex 75, 78 Topsy Turvy 155
Siberian ginseng 162 Totally Bonkers position 157 Z
Side Straddle position 152 trees, sex up against a tree 68, 71 zigzag (oral sex) 183
smoking, ill effects 100, 161, 165 twist, hand-job 186 zinc, in diet 161
so-so sex 7, 13, 14, 17, 18, 125 twist and swirl (oral sex) 182
Acknowledgments
This is my ninth book about sex and relationships and I don’t know if it’s laudable or sad that I
still don’t feel that I’ve run out of things to say! One of the reasons I’m never short of material or
inspiration is that so many people are willing to share intimate details of their lives with me. For this
I am deeply grateful, and while none of you want to be named specifically (can’t think why not!), a
collective thank-you to all. This is also my ninth list of acknowledgments, and while I have thanked
most of the following people previously, my appreciation has grown rather than dwindled over time.

Thank you to my family—Shirley and Terry, Patrick and Maureen, Nigel and Diana, Deborah and
Doug, Charlie and Madeleine—who support and encourage me every day of my life.

Thank you to my agent and dear friend, Vicki McIvor, who is as kind as she is clever, and without
whom I would be completely and utterly lost.

Thank you to Nigel Wright and Bev Speight of XAB, who work their magic to make all my books look
innovative, stylish, and unique.

Thank you to Dawn Bates, who did a brilliant job editing this book and I hope will edit many more.

Enormous thanks to everyone at Dorling Kindersley, worldwide, for being so supportive of all my
projects. In the UK office, a huge thank-you to Deborah Wright, Serena Stent, Hermoine Ireland,
Liz Statham, Catherine Bell, Adele Hayward, Nicola Rodway, Karla Jennings, Salima Hirani, and extra,
extra special thanks to my lovely friend Corinne Roberts. In the US office, Carl Raymond, Therese
Burke, Tom Korman, and Rachel Kempster and in Canada, Chris Houston and Loraine Taylor.

Finally, thanks to Pete Collis. You know what for.

DK would like to thank: Alyson Lacewing for proofreading; Valerie Chandler for the index;
Stringfellows for their venue; John, Pauline and Olivia Midgley for their Yorkshire location and props;
Sh! of Hoxton, London for clothing and props; Lovehoney.co.uk for the sassy, sexy selection of sex
toys; IMM Models; Target Models; MOT Models.
Good sex that lasts isn’t a gift...
it’s an achievement.
 You’ve had supersex – now it’s time
to really let your hair down! tracey cox
superhotsex ups the raunch factor with more advanced techniques,

superhotsex
more risqué topics, and even saucier pictures as Tracey Cox delivers
innovative but practical ways to reinvent your sex life.

Loaded with lashings of wicked real-life fantasies

and tricks for your fingers, tongue, and other parts,
superhotsex is a crash course in how to take your
superhotsex
Tracey Cox is an international sex, body language, sex life from dull to daring—safely and sensibly. supersex was saucy. superhotsex ups the raunch
and relationship expert, as well as a TV and radio rating to exquisitely erotic. Using humor, innovative ideas,
host. She is well known for her shows on sex and Funny, intelligent, and stylishly photographed, and could-and-would-do tips and techniques, Tracey Cox
relationships, including The Sex Inspectors (HBO) superhotsex is for anyone who wants to propel gently but firmly prods you out of your sexual comfort
and Date Patrol (Discovery). their sex life into another dimension. zone to reinvent your love life.

A former associate editor of Cosmopolitan, Just met someone special and want to make sure it stays

superhotsex
Tracey has an academic background in psychology lusty long-term? Hoping to reach into the deep freeze and
and has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and NBC’s thaw a near-frozen sex life? superhotsex is for anyone
Today, as well as numerous primetime talk shows who’s ever asked “Is it really possible to make love to the

tracey cox
worldwide. Tracey has counseled via the media for same person for the rest of your life—happily?” The answer
more than 15 years and sold well over a million is yes—and the solutions are inside this book.
books, six of which have become international
bestsellers. Her first book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, Imaginative and edgy, superhotsex is crammed with
was an instant worldwide success and is now available ideas to send you into supersexy sensory overdrive!
in 140 countries and has been translated into more Written in Tracey’s chatty, funny, and anecdotal style,
than 20 languages. Other titles include supersex, there’s everything from a stroke-by-stroke guide to
superdate, superflirt, Hot Relationships, The Sex spanking and the six all-time best outdoor sex experiences,
Inspector’s Masterclass, and Quickies. A frequent to tips on how to get a fantasy from your head into your
contributor to a variety of publications, Tracey is UK bed and crucial, cunning ploys to get what you want

“....a must-have book for cranking

Glamour magazine’s relationship coach, and she pens without ever upsetting or offending your partner.
a weekly column in Closer magazine. Tracey is also
With stunning photography, stylish design, and vibrant,
resident “sexpert” for ivillage.com and has her own

your lust life up a gear.”

refreshingly new ideas, superhotsex will inspire and
range of sex toys and products.
stimulate you to put a toe into taboo territory, so you
Born in the UK, Tracey spent many years in Australia can enjoy both lust and love.
before moving back to London to host her first COSMOPOLITAN on supersex I S B N 0 - 7 5 6 6 - 2 2 7 5 - 1 Printed in Singapore
52000
television series. She currently lives in London.

For more information on Tracey: www.traceycox.com Discover more at

Jacket images John Davis www.dk.com
9 780756 622756
$20.00 USA $27.00 Canada