Active Listening

1. What is active listening?

Oftentimes, we don't retain what we hear. In fact, the average listener only
remembers 25 percent of a talk or lecture two months later, according to testing from
Harvard Business Review [1]. Active listening requires much deeper attention and
empathy, which ideally leads to a greater understanding. It is the practice of paying
full attention to what someone is saying in order to demonstrate unconditional
acceptance and unbiased reflection, according to researcher Harry Weger [2].

Carl Rogers originally developed the methodology, sometimes known as “reflective

listening,” for psychologists in the 1950s [3]. It has since been used in fields such as
business and education. When we practice active listening, two outcomes typically
happen: You retain important information and the person speaking to you feels
understood.

Benefits of active listening

The practice of being more conscious while listening can benefit your career. In your
day-to-day conversations with colleagues, in networking, in sustaining genuine
connections as a manager, listening makes people feel heard. Empathy, the basis of
active listening, is crucial in building meaningful relationships. Active listening can
even help you manage your emotions, retain data and information better, and resolve
conflict.

Demand for social and emotional skills, including active listening, is projected to
grow by more than 20 percent across all industries between 2016 and 2030,
according to McKinsey [4]. Further, research suggests that good interpersonal skills
are a strong predictor of workplace success overall, due to the link between team
effectiveness, empathy, and inclusivity [5].
2. Active listening techniques

If you're interested in improving your active listening skill, the techniques listed
below may be useful. They are derived from the notion that active listening is a
practice that can always be improved.

1. Focus on the intent and purpose of the conversation.

Active listening begins with an intent to be conscious and receptive to the other
person—including the intent and purpose of the conversation—in order to truly
understand and empathize with them. Incorporating mindfulness into active listening
means that the speaker has your full attention.

Being mindful generally means being respectful and aware of the present moment.
No daydreaming, no interrupting, and no thinking about what you're going to say in
response. Instead, take in the content and purpose of their words and body language.
That way, you and the speaker build an authentic connection.

2. Pay attention to body language.

Much of communication relies on the nonverbal. In fact, in face-to-face
conversation, communication is 55 percent nonverbal, 38 percent vocal, and 7
percent words, according to researcher Albert Mehrabian [6].

Body language refers to the conscious and unconscious gestures and movements that
express or convey information. It can include facial expressions, posture, hand
gestures, eye contact or movement, and touch. When listening to others, consider
what your body language says. Nodding your head, making eye contact, or smiling
(if appropriate) are excellent cues to show that you're paying attention.

3. Give encouraging verbal cues.

Verbal cues are responses a listener may express to show they understand what's
being shared. This includes what Wharton professor Maurice Schweitzer considers
“minimal encouragers,” such as replying “yes, I see” or “mmhmm” or “I
understand.” These are often used alongside gestures and expressions, such as
smiling or nodding.

In turn, the speaker might give verbal cues when they want the listener to pay extra
attention, like speaking more slowly or loudly to emphasize certain points, stressing
certain words, using a different tone of voice, or pausing. In that silence, they might
expect a response from their listener.

4. Clarify and paraphrase information.

Sometimes, it is not enough to nod and maintain eye contact in a conversation. In the
workplace, you might have doubts about whether your mind grasped the full picture.
Clarifying and paraphrasing the information back to the speaker can help both of
you fill in any gaps in understanding.

In formal situations, with a supervisor or a professor: Paraphrasing information

can help you ensure that you have completely and accurately understood what the
other person is trying to communicate.
  Supervisor: “I just wrapped up a meeting with the executive staff, and your
budget proposal has been conditionally approved for next quarter.”
 Direct report: “So we can begin hiring for the new roles as long as we meet
our quarterly goal? Is that correct?”
 Supervisor: “Yes, exactly.”

5. Ask questions.
Asking questions can eliminate confusion. You may think you have processed most
of what they said, but you still have questions. By asking clarifying questions, you
ensure you have heard the correct information.

As an active listener, you can also demonstrate interest by asking questions. Asking
an open-ended question can encourage the speaker to elaborate on an important or
interesting idea. It also shows that you have been listening attentively up to that
point, and you want to know more. This can nurture a bond between the speaker and
listener.

6. Refrain from judgment.

When practicing active listening, it is important to remain open, neutral, and
nonjudgmental. What’s so wonderful about taking the steps to become a better
listener is that you can engage with new ideas, perspectives, and opportunities that
you may never have accessed previously. Withholding judgment, avoiding criticism,
and approaching each conversation with an open mind can open many doors.

7. Summarize, share, and reflect.

Toward the end of your interaction, make sure you end on a high note. Share a quick
summary or a few notes about what the speaker said. If prompted, give your
thoughts and opinions in a way that demonstrates you have digested the information.
In informal settings, sharing thoughts and feelings may lead to deeper and
meaningful conversations.

After the interaction, reflect on what you learned. Whether it was a lecture,
interview, or a conversation with an old friend, you may have strong feelings or
ideas that need to be processed or written down. You may want to share your
reflections with your teacher, colleague, or friend. Feel free to reach out to them and
engage with them after the initial interaction.
Building Rapport
What is rapport?

First, let’s understand how rapport is defined. Rapport is defined as a friendly,

harmonious relationship. There’s mutual agreement, understanding, and empathy that
makes the communication flow well.

Once you have built good rapport, there is an implicit assumption of positive intent
between both people that makes your interactions easier.

According to researchers Linda Tickle-Degnen and Robert Rosenthal , rapport requires

necessary components to be present in a relationship.

 Mutual attentiveness
 Positivity
 Coordination

These three elements are what make the dynamic structure of rapport — and they are all
intriguing because they’re nonverbal.

1. Make a good introduction

Making a good first impression starts with the small things. For example, this could be a
firm handshake and a smile. It could be maintaining solid eye contact and remembering
the person’s name.

Your first impression will set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Eventually, the
respect and communication you build with the other person. Be aware of how you’re
showing up in this first impression moment.

2. Actively listen

Have you ever been in a conversation where you’re constantly interrupted? Or, perhaps
someone continues to talk over another person in conversation? It’s not a pleasant
experience. And if you’re meeting someone for the first time, it can leave a bad taste in
your mouth.

Make sure you’re putting on your listening ears. Be an active listener and pay close
attention to the conversation. To be able to engage in the conversation meaningfully,
you’ll need to adopt good listening skills .

3. Ask engaging questions

We’ve all been in those one-sided conversations. When conversations are lopsided, it
makes for bad connections. That’s why asking engaging and thoughtful questions is so
important.
To do this, think about the core of what you’d like to know about this person. What are
you hoping to learn? What sort of questions will allow you to set a strong foundation for
a relationship? What are your goals? Are you showing your interest in the other person
as a whole person?

Once you’ve identified what you’d like to get out of the conversation, you can form the
appropriate questions to match. Make sure you’re actively engaged, talk less and listen
more to their answers rather than planning out your next question.

4. Be aware of your body language

Your nonverbal communication is just as important as your verbal communication. Your

nonverbal cues are central to building rapport. This includes things like posture, eye
contact, facial expressions, and being aware of distractions.

If someone is constantly checking their phone or looking away during a conversation, it

can send a message that they’re not interested. Or if someone isn’t making consistent eye
contact, it can feel like they aren’t being genuine or attentively listening.

5. Find common ground

I was at a wedding this past weekend. I was meeting a lot of people for the first time,
many of whom were from other parts of the country and the world.

At first, I wasn’t sure what I’d have in common with some of the other wedding guests.
But I asked questions and engaged in deeper conversations, I found more commonalities
than I originally anticipated.

For example, I met a woman from France. She was a friend of the bride, and I was a
friend of the groom. She had met the couple while living in Austin, Texas but she’s soon
moving back to Europe with her husband. When I told her where I was from, we found
out that her husband is also from my small hometown in Ohio. We also discovered we
both enjoy yoga and she’s recently taken up a meditation practice .

Moral of the story: don’t judge a book by its cover. It can be easy to assume you don’t
have anything in common with someone based on first or second sentence introductions.
But as you get to know the person better, you’ll find some sort of shared experience,
characteristic, or perspective.

6. Lead with empathy and respect

A strong, healthy relationship is built on empathy and respect . Empathy and respect are
key components to building trust . This last and final step is more of a foundational
element to string through in all of your interpersonal interactions.

Lead with empathy and a sincere desire to understand and get to know the other person.
Beyond empathy, lead with respect. Treat the other person as you would like to be
treated. By doing so, you’ll be better positioned to build rapport more effectively.
 3. 6 tactics on how to build rapport

When it comes to building rapport, there are steps you can take to strengthen your
relationships.

Empathy not sympathy

Empathy and sympathy are two terms that are often used interchangeably. But only one
of them allows people to connect deeper than surface level.

So what is the difference between empathy and sympathy? And which should you
practice?

Let’s explore how empathy and sympathy differ and why one of them is a better tool to
help you connect with others at work and in life.

Empathy vs sympathy: key characteristics

Understanding the differences between empathy and sympathy can help you choose the
most appropriate one given your circumstances. While empathy supports a deeper
connection, there are times when a sympathetic response is more fitting.

To clarify, here is an overview empathy and sympathy and some examples of each.

What is empathy?

 Feeling what someone else feels

 Actively listening to what they have to say
 Not judging
 Being aware of nuances and non-verbal cues
 Discovering their perspective
 Acknowledging everyone's feelings

Empathy is the ability to understand and share a person’s feelings. If you’re an

empathetic person, you can listen to what someone else has to say without judgment.

This ability to connect is not limited by your own experiences. An empathetic person can
feel someone else’s emotions, regardless of their personal experiences.

You’re able to discover their perspective with awareness of non-verbal cues. You’re also
able to simply listen without feeling forced to provide unwanted advice.

Plus, you can acknowledge everyone’s feelings in a given situation. This is particularly
helpful in leadership positions . Looking at the bigger picture can help make more
informed decisions.
Practicing empathy, instead of sympathy only, can help you get the emotional clarity you
need to build upon important relationships. It can let you see another point of view.

Having empathy can also help you to improve your communication skills. That’s because
you’re able to listen fully to others and understand their perspectives.

In fact, research shows that empathy can even help sustain cooperation during social
dilemmas. Other studies have found that in a service setting, empathy can reduce
discrimination and unethical behavior.

This is important to foster a happier, healthier workplace and build a sense of belonging.

What is sympathy?

 Having thoughts about what someone feels

 When in conversation, giving unasked advice
 Passing judgment
 Only noticing the surface level issue
 Understanding only from your perspective
 Ignoring or suppressing your own emotions

Unlike empathy, practicing sympathy doesn’t mean you feel what someone else feels.
Instead, you feel pity or sorry for someone else’s feelings.

You feel bad for someone, but you don’t understand how they feel.

A sympathetic approach only provides a surface-level understanding of someone else’s

situation. This understanding is typically from your perspective, not theirs.

Sympathy can also lead someone to give unsolicited advice to help the other person deal
with their emotions.

When offering this advice, it's common for sympathetic people to pass judgment. Unlike
empathy, it’s still possible to pass judgment with sympathy.

What's the difference between empathy vs. sympathy?

Both empathy and sympathy share the suffix pathy. This suffix comes from the Greek
word pathos.

Pathos can mean several things. It can mean “emotion” or “feelings.” But it can also
mean “suffering.”

This means that both empathy and sympathy deal with emotions . However, there’s one
big difference between empathy and sympathy.
 Which is better: sympathy or empathy?

Sympathy doesn’t help you build deep connections with other people. This is because
sympathy only offers surface-level understanding. It doesn’t allow you to see from
someone else’s perspective.

On the other hand, empathy lets you walk in someone else’s shoes. As a result, you can
better provide what they really need.

In the workplace, empathy can help you connect with your peers and get on the same
level as them. Doing so can help you build a high-performance team.

4 ways to practice empathy

Practicing empathy, especially at work, is no easy feat.

According to Businessolver’s 2021 Empathy Study, 70% of CEOs say they struggle to
demonstrate empathy at work consistently .

68% of them also believe they'll be less respected if they show empathy in the
workplace.

However, only 25% of employees say that empathy in their organizations is sufficient.

Empathy is becoming a growing priority for employees as more and more Gen Z
employees join the workforce. They’re the fastest-growing group in the workforce right
now.

90% of Gen Z employees say that they’re more likely to stay at their jobs if their
employer is empathetic.

If you have a leadership position in your organization, practicing empathy and making it
a priority is key to building a more resilient workforce.

Here are four ways you can do so:

1. Listen actively instead of focusing on what to say next

Even when listening to someone else, people are often focused on their own thoughts.

It’s easy to think about what to say next instead of focusing on what the other person is
saying. This gets in the way of fully and actively listening to the other person. It also
makes it difficult to understand the emotions of another person.

Failure to listen will make it difficult to empathize.

Instead of focusing on your response, pay close attention to what someone is telling you.
Listen attentively, not just for their words, but for other non-verbal cues, too.
Watch their body language and tone of voice to understand how they feel. You can easily
miss these signals when you’re focused on your own response.

When the other person is finished speaking, take a moment to process the information.
Only once you’ve processed all nuances of the conversation should you focus on what
you want to say.

If you have a position of leadership, encourage your team to practice active listening.

2. Repeat in your own words

One of the first things you can say after listening to someone is to repeat what they've
said but in your own words.

You can phrase this as something that you’ve heard.

Here’s an example:

“What I’m hearing is that you don’t feel valued in the team when Jeremy and Sophia
speak over you. Is this right?”

When you present something as what you’ve heard, it places the burden on you, not on
the other person. If you heard or understood something wrong, they can correct you.

3. Prioritize emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is an important soft skill to practice in your workplace if you

want to improve empathy.

People who have high emotional intelligence tend to be:

 More self-aware
 Able to manage themselves
 Aware of social cues
 More capable of managing relationships

In the workplace, it's crucial to prioritize emotional intelligence in your team. It

facilitates strong communicators, collaborators, and leaders.

4. Understand what the other person needs

Everyone is wired differently. We all have different needs.

It’s easy to imagine what you'd need if you were in the same situation as someone else.
But what you need isn’t necessarily the same as what they need.

Resist the urge to automatically leap to conclusions about what someone needs when
they tell you what they’re going through.
Instead, use your listening skills to figure out what they need. If you’re not sure, ask. It’s
better to ask someone what they need than to assume and provide the wrong kind of
support.

Use of Open-ended Questions

Asking open versus closed-ended questions help the employee get started talking.
An open question is one that doesn’t invite one-word responses but rather encourages the person to
take control of the direction of the conversation, which can help her feel safer and able to express
herself.
These elaboration questions invite a more open conversation compared to asking only yes/no response
questions.
When you begin with several closed-ended questions, it is likely to cause the person to answer in
short phrases and fall into a passive role waiting for you to ask for information.
Instead, with open-ended questions, you set an interested, open, collaborative tone. The employee is
then likely to open up.
Examples of Open-ended Questions
What would you like to talk about?
What would change if you quit/stopped ___?
Tell me, what’s bothering you?
So, what’s going on?

Neutral rephrasing
Paraphrasing definition

Paraphrase meaning: To paraphrase means to express the meaning of something

using different words, usually –though not always– to achieve greater clarity.
4. What is the purpose of paraphrasing?

Although most dictionary definitions mention that the main goal of paraphrasing is
achieving greater clarity, there's so much more to it. Check out some of the
situations in which paraphrasing will help you thrive.
#1 Achieve greater clarity
You can help others understand you better by tweaking the message (the words,
the structure, the register). Imagine you are the project manager of a new product
feature. If you have to explain the process to a new developer, you will need to
explain all the technical aspects and details. Perhaps, they don't understand a word
or two, and you will need to explain this same message again using different terms.
Here are some paraphrasing sentences to achieve greater clarity:

o Original: It is paramount that we accentuate the beneficial effects that this

program has had.
o Paraphrase: It is very important that we stress the beneficial effects of this
program.
o Original: May I take this opportunity to remind applicants that any special
request should be sent to the email address below provided.
o Paraphrase: If your application includes any special request, please email
us at hello@talaera.com.
#2 Grab your audience's attention
Now, take that same example and imagine you're explaining this new feature to the
whole team. You may then want to summarize or simplify, as most of your
coworkers might not need to know all the technical details. In this case, you're
paraphrasing to suit your audience and grab their attention by giving
them only what they need –instead of everything.

Look at the examples below. In the original sentence, the CTO is talking to one of
the developers, while in the paraphrased sentence, she is talking to an Account
Manager.

o Original: The list for that query is populated manually by the server from
users, and we are not able to determine that engagement list from such a
complex expression.
o Paraphrase: Please, remember to set the user status manually.
#3 Sell more
Learning to paraphrase will help you be more persuasive - to sell, to negotiate, to
attract new customers. Repetition is a persuasive strategy widely used in
marketing, politics, and sales. It consists of using moderate repetition in an
argument, and it is based on the psychological basis that suggests that low to
moderate levels of repetition within a message tend to make the receptors more
open and in agreement with the argument. However, this repetition will be more
impactful if done subtly. That is -if you find different ways to make the same
argument repeatedly.

#4 Formulate someone else's ideas in your own words

Another example of paraphrasing is when you formulate someone else's ideas or
messages in your own words. Instead of quoting someone (in written or spoken
form), where you copy what another person has said with their exact words, you
rephrase the message using different words.
This is helpful in academic writing because it shows that you have understood the
source and you are integrating it within your own narrative –though always
remember to cite the original source (otherwise you will be committing
plagiarism!).
5. Paraphrasing techniques

The following techniques are some of the most common ways in which you can
reword a message.
#1 Changing vocabulary. Use synonyms and keywords to reword the original
message.
o Original: The government of Denmark declared that the COVID crisis is no
longer a threat.
o Paraphrase: Danish authorities announced that the COVID issue is not that
dangerous anymore.
#2 Changing word category. Turn nouns into verbs, verbs into nouns, adverbs
into adjectives, or adjectives into adverbs.
o Original: The government of Denmark declared that the COVID crisis is no
longer a threat.
o Paraphrase: Danish authorities announced that the COVID issue is not that
dangerous anymore.
#3 Modifying sentence pattern. Alter the order of ideas or express the same idea
with a different sentence structure.
o Original: His personal secretary assisted him to complete the report. [verb]
o Paraphrase: He completed the report with the assistance of his personal
secretary. [noun]
#4 Changing the register. Adapt the message from formal to informal, or vice
versa.
o Original: Any loss of this document should be reported
immediately. [formal]
o Paraphrase: If you lose this doc, let us know ASAP. [very informal] / If you
lose this document, please report immediately. [neutral]
#5 Adapting the level of depth. Turn a specific message into a more general one,
or vice versa. Omit information that your recipients don't need or add details if
necessary.
o Original: Our account manager needs to manually set a user's status
manually because the the system is not able to determine the engagement
list from such a complex expression.
o Paraphrase: Our account manager needs set the user status manually.

Factual summarizing
To paraphrase means to restate someone else’s ideas in your own language at roughly the same level
of detail. To summarize means to reduce the most essential points of someone else’s work into a
shorter form.

A woman walks down the road and gradually becomes aware that a car has pulled up alongside
her (no it’s not what you might think!). The passenger window is wound down and the person
inside asks:

"Excuse me!"

"Yes" the woman replies.

"I wonder if you could tell me how I get to the Hospital from here?"

"Of course, you keep going down this road for about half a mile and come to some traffic
lights. Turn left there and carry on for about a mile. You’ll probably see it before you need to
turn off again anyway but about a mile along from there is a right hand turning with big signs
outside so you can’t miss it, showing you the entrance to the Hospital."

"Ok so that’s keep going for half a mile, turn left at the traffic lights, carry on for a mile and
then turn right and it is well signposted at that point anyway. Is that right?"

"That’s it you’ve got it."

"Thank you very much!"

"Ok, no problem."
I find it interesting that when we really need to be sure we have heard someone after asking them
a question we will almost always do a summary back of what they’ve said.

Various radio communications used by the Police, the Military, Air Traffic control, all use
summaries or repetitions back to the sender from the listener.

But so often it is missing in our normal communication with others, and for many people feels
quite ‘awkward’ as if they think it makes them look stupid or as if they haven’t listened... instead
of thinking it shows they care, and are concerned that they are listening effectively.

Summarising is an essential skill used in the practice of Mediation and I would say that it is an
enormous contributor to the effectiveness of any communication that we have, whether in the role
of a Mediator or not.

The Principles of Effective Communication and the Underlying Philosophies of Mediation inform
how an effective summary can be given.

For example, it needs to ensure that ownership of what is said remains with the speaker. So for
example, a summary in the listener’s own words does not promote effective listening and serves
no real purpose as it is not a summary of what was said but a re-interpretation by the listener of
what was said.

This is likely to mean the speaker has to restate something or elaborate on it to try to bring the
wording back to how they want it to be expressed.

All of this inhibits effective communication as it adds an additional burden for the speaker to
have to do this rather than to simply express themselves and be listened to.

This may be fine in an unimportant conversation - in fact none of the Principles are important in a
‘small talk’ kind of conversation where it doesn’t really matter what is or isn’t communicated.

But where it is important, for example in gaining information from someone (as in the request for
directions above) or in a situation of personal importance to the speaker (and on a daily basis we
are engaged in many such situations), then effective summarising is important, if the speaker is to
feel what they say is valued. Or, at least, that their attempt to communicate their thoughts and
feelings has been successful.

But actually, summarising is rarely used in day to day conversations. Often a conversation ends
with the people involved having very different views of what was said.

An effective summary maximizes the effectiveness of the communication that occurs

through a checking with the speaker whether the summary is an accurate statement of what
was said.

The summary is not a ‘statement of fact’ about what was said, it is an opportunity to clarify
with the speaker that the thoughts and feelings and viewpoints they have expressed have
been heard accurately.