Scuba Lessons: (Lights Up On KELLY. She Stands in Front of The Cafe, Which Is Dimly Lit. DAN and RAYNE Sit Inside.)
Scuba Lessons: (Lights Up On KELLY. She Stands in Front of The Cafe, Which Is Dimly Lit. DAN and RAYNE Sit Inside.)
Scuba Lessons: (Lights Up On KELLY. She Stands in Front of The Cafe, Which Is Dimly Lit. DAN and RAYNE Sit Inside.)
CHARACTERS
KELLY DONOVAN: A woman in her mid-twenties of
Irish-American descent. She works in the programming
department of a large, network affiliate.
DAN LANZETTA: A man in his mid-twenties of Italian-
American descent. He works with Kelly in programming.
MARTIN MICHAELSON: A recently divorced man of
about 30 of Anglo-Saxon descent. He works in the
business office of the same T.V. station. He’s Kelly’s
date.
RAYNE STORM: A woman in her mid-twenties of
“Dead-Head” descent. She is an accountant and works
in the business office with Martin. She’s Dan’s date.
COFFEE HOUSE GUY/PATRON: Two guys in their
early twenties who have the misfortune of being in the
cafe with these four weirdos. (Can and should be played
by the same actor)
SETTING
A coffee house at night in Los Angeles. A service
counter and a few tables are visible.
NOTE
This play is viewed primarily through Kelly’s Point of
view. Kelly has asides, which are indicated by a” >”
preceding the line. These asides interrupt other
characters’ words and are interrupted by other
characters’ words--just as our own thoughts and focus
shifts and overlaps with other people. However, no other
characters notice Kelly’s asides.
[Lights up on KELLY. She stands in front of the cafe, which is dimly lit. DAN
and RAYNE sit inside.]
KELLY: >Do you believe in fate? [Short pause] Last night I had one of those
dreams where I woke up and I couldn’t remember anything I dreamt about. But
I knew it was something great. When I woke up I felt warm all over. That
usually means I dreamt about him. My soul mate. … I know it’s silly, I mean I
don’t even know what he looks like. Even when I do remember my dreams,
he’s just a blank face on this great body. Or Brad Pitt. Just kidding. But even
though I’ve never seen him, I know what he’ll be like. He’ll be someone who
looks in my eyes and knows that’s where he belongs. That’s why I’m so
excited about tonight.
[KELLY enters the coffee house and the lights inside rise.]
KELLY: >Did you ever wake up and know it was gonna be your day? I did.
Today. First time. I woke up five minutes before my alarm went off. The sun
was shining, the birds chirping, I felt warm all over and then... ... I read my
horoscope.
>“Today is your day!!! What you dreamed about becomes real. Romance
figures prominently. Musical notes involved.”
>Okay--I don’t get the musical notes thing either--but that’s not the point. The
point is it said today is my day. And it has been--all day!!! I got on the scale--I
was five pounds thinner, and that was after getting out of the shower. On my
way out the door, my manager tells me he’s going to fix the broken closet in
my apartment I reported six months ago. Normally I wouldn’t believe it,
because I have rotten luck. But I’ve had this feeling all day. And that’s leaving
out the best part of my horoscope: “Romance figures Prominently.”
PATRON: Uh--no.
KELLY: Sorry.
>He’s not here yet. Martin. My date. Actually it’s a blind date. Both Dan and I
have blind dates tonight. Which would normally scare me. To tell the truth I
was terrified. Until this morning. I know, I know--what are the odds of finding
Mr. Right on a blind date? I mean, someone who would count on that is an
optimist, at best. At worst ... well--let’s not go there. I’m being an optimist. I
have faith.
>You know my luck is actually worse with men. Until recently I’ve been
convinced I have bad guy-karma. Which is why I told Dan to meet his date
here, too. I had a friend at work set us up. Raul. He’s gay. We decided to meet
our dates at the same place just in case they were ugly. If I knew my day was
gonna be like this, I would have told him to fend for himself.
[KELLY notices a mug on the merchandise rack. She steps to it and picks it
up.]
KELLY: >Do you see what I mean?!! This is my favorite painting on this
coffee mug. I was in here two days ago and they didn’t have this mug. This is
like some giant cosmic accident. It’s fate. Did I tell you I found a parking space
in less than five minutes. My favorite painting. The Scream. Dan says only
freaks like that painting. I think only tactless jerks call their friends freaks.
KELLY: >It looks like the jerk’s doing okay so far. He hasn’t pissed her off
yet. She looks okay. Seems a little thin for Dan though. He’s Italian, they like
those buxom women. Or at least he does. And he thinks he speaks for every
guinea on the planet. He doesn’t like it when I call him a guinea. [Short
pause] Guinea.
>Oh. That’s Dan. He likes me. But we’re not. No. I mean he’s sweet. We
always do stuff like this together. Well not like this. We do things. Sometimes
we come here and get coffee. Well he gets coffee. I don’t like coffee. Or tea.
Actually I hate tea; but, we’re just friends. It’s hard to explain. Dan and I ... ...
we just--
DAN: Seltic.
RAYNE: The only people who pronounce it that way are the Boston Celtics.
KELLY: Yes.
DAN: I was just wondering. You could probably hear our conversation and
well... Is it Seltic or Keltic?
DAN: Oh. [Pause. Dan turns back to Rayne] So what other types of music do
you like?
KELLY: >You see what I mean? He’s always like that. Dan relates everything
to sports. It’s kind of cute--if it wasn’t so stupid. His favorite topic is baseball.
The Yankees, specifically. They hold some sort of mythical status in the history
of mankind or something. At least that’s how Dan tells it. His dream is to find a
woman who loves the Yankees. Or at least one who will learn to love them for
him. It’s a pipedream.
>We wouldn’t get along. We bicker constantly. Dan calls me the ex-wife he
never wanted. I call him evidence to the need for artificial
insemination. [Pause.] He’s really not that bad. He’s just that bad for me. Dan
just needs to find a woman who isn’t annoyed by him. And who isn’t meeting
her soul mate tonight.
KELLY: >I still can’t believe this mug. It’s like a sign that the gods are smiling
on me today. Not that I’m religious. I’m not really. Mom hates when I say
that. [Mimicking her mother]“You don’t need to advertise it.” We fight all the
time. She wanted a more catholic daughter. I feel guilty a lot. I think that
should count for something. [Short pause--another light bulb]Mom and I
didn’t fight when we talked on the phone today. That’s not a sign, it’s a minor
miracle. Why didn’t I remember that? “Mom, I want you to know I found god
again, and it’s all because of a man... and this mug.”
[KELLY stands with the coffee mug held out in her hand and looks up to see
that MARTIN is standing in front of her.]
MARTIN: Uh--Hi. [looking around the Cafe for anyone else.] You must be
Kelly?
KELLY: Oh. Hi. ... Martin? [Noticing the mug in her hand.] I was
just...looking at this mug.
KELLY: Uh-huh.
MARTIN: Coffee?
MARTIN: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you liked this place. We could’ve went--
KELLY: --No! I do like this place. I just don’t drink Coffee. Or Tea. [Short
pause.] You know what? I think I might like some coffee. They used to have
this Jazz blend. Could you see if they have that?
KELLY: Uh-huh.
MARTIN: Okay
KELLY: >Jazz Blend. Musical notes involved. I figured it was worth a shot. I
just hope the stuff doesn’t taste like coffee. They used to have this Jazz CD
they sold with the coffee, that’s how I remember it. [Short pause] Martin’s
pretty cute. And nice. Looks like he stays in shape.
[As KELLY watches MARTIN, DAN gets up.]
[RAYNE smiles and nods. DAN steps up near KELLY to refill the mugs.]
[KELLY steps out of the way as DAN pours coffee into the mugs, speaking to
Kelly under his breath.]
KELLY: She does seem nice. Although... ... ... No. Never mind.
DAN: What?
KELLY: Nothing.
[DAN turns to KELLY and she turns away toward MARTIN. DAN stares at her
for a brief moment then steps back to RAYNE. As he does, KELLY looks after
him smiling.]
[MARTIN turns and brings the drinks over to KELLY. He hands her a bottle of
Snapple ™.]
MARTIN: No Jazz blend. They haven’t had it for a few months. They did have
some CD though.
KELLY: Oh, are you? I don’t really know much about coffee. I think this is a
great place though. A nice place to meet people. And to talk.
MARTIN: Actually I’ve never been here before. I was talking about dating.
This is my third blind date in a row.
KELLY: Oh. Well you know how these things can be. Hit and Miss. Maybe
you just had some bad luck.
MARTIN: Because it just seems unlikely that none of them would have worked
out. They all seemed very compatible.
KELLY: What?
KELLY: A service?
MARTIN: Uh-huh.
[Silence.]
KELLY: >Third blind date in a row. Okay. That’s not so bad. A lot of people
have three blind dates in a row. From a service. That doesn’t make him a freak.
It’s not like he has a third eye or anything.
So...
[The COFFEE HOUSE GUY enters and steps up to MARTIN holding a CD.]
COFFEE GUY: I found that Jazz CD you wanted. I had to dig it out of the back
corner of the stockroom. But it’s still in perfect condition.
[COFFEE HOUSE GUY looks from MARTIN to KELLY and back to MARTIN.
He laughs.]
KELLY: So, how come you went through a service? I mean, you don’t look
like you would need one.
KELLY: >Okay, God hates me. Next he’s gonna tell me he voted for Perot.
Well, you know... ... How much can you really tell by those things, really?
MARTIN: You’d be surprised. You can tell a lot about a person by studying
demographics. That’s what I do at the station, actually. I work in marketing.
It’s amazing how much you can predict about people by surveying their
preferences. In retrospect I probably should have done that with my wife before
marrying her.
Really?
MARTIN: Yes. You see the modern study of demographics doesn’t just break
people down into groups by age, gender and ethnicity--you have education,
region, family size and type, marital status--
KELLY: >I want to rip my leg off and beat myself with it.
[KELLY turns to DAN and RAYNE again as MARTIN’s lips continue to move,
he is talking, unaware that her thoughts and focus has shifted elsewhere.]
DAN: The Godfather movies.
KELLY: >Looks like Dan’s moved from music to movies. His favorite movie
is the Godfather trilogy. Shocker, huh? He likes all three, but if he had to pick,
Part II would be his favorite.
DAN: If I had to pick, Part II would be my favorite. But I like all three.
KELLY: >Now he’s gonna segue into baseball and start with the Yankees.
RAYNE: You really like Part III? Even with his daughter?
DAN: It wasn’t that bad--compared to the first two, maybe. But not compared
to most movies in general.
DAN: That’s a good one. [Pause] You know, you have really pretty eyes.
[RAYNE smiles.]
RAYNE: Thanks.
MARTIN: What?
>Rayne works with Martin in the business office, she’s an accountant. Thank
you, Raul.
MARTIN: This is really not how these things are supposed to go. Do you like
old movies?
[KELLY ignores him and gets up. MARTIN watches her, then follows, slowly.
KELLY leaves her purse behind.]
KELLY: >Looks like Dan’s finally moving up to the heavy artillery. I was late
but I was right.
MARTIN: Hi.
DAN: Hi.
[DAN and RAYNE look at each other for a quick, puzzled moment.]
[KELLY sits.]
[MARTIN sits.]
[MARTIN and DAN shake hands. KELLY holds out her hand to RAYNE.]
RAYNE: Rayne Storm. [Pause.] I hate my parents. They never really left the
sixties.
MARTIN: Actually you and Kelly know each other. She works in
programming.
RAYNE: We do?
[Silence.]
KELLY: Yeah.
DAN: Yeah. That’s right. I’m sorry what was your name again? Karen?
KELLY: Kelly.
MARTIN: Yeah.
MARTIN: Yeah.
RAYNE: Yeah. How did you--? Oh that’s right. Gosh--why don’t I remember
you?
KELLY: You must come from some family. What do your parents do?
RAYNE: They spent a lot of time following the Grateful Dead around. Now
they don’t do anything.
RAYNE: No.
KELLY: But you don’t like accounting?
RAYNE: No.
KELLY: Okay.
[Silence.]
MARTIN: Yeah.
KELLY: Rayne, you really should try some of their coffee here. It’s really
good. I mean, that’s what I hear.
KELLY: Kelly.
[DAN who was taking a drink of his coffee nearly spits it out.]
RAYNE: Jamaican Blue? That sounds good. What do you think, Dan?
COFFEE GUY: Really. Wow. I’ll have to go in back and find some. That
stuff’s really expensive. They don’t even let us brew it.
RAYNE: Oh. No. Then I’ll just have some other kind--
DAN: --No. No. That’s fine. [To the COFFEE GUY] A pound of Jamaican
Blue.
KELLY: >I knew he was gonna do that. He’s so easy. Guinea 101--they’ll
never let you think they’re cheap.
MARTIN: You know, I’m surprised you two don’t know each other better,
working in the same department like you do.
DAN: Well--
KELLY: Actually--
MARTIN: It seems like you would both belong in many of the same
demographic groups.
KELLY: I... ... just meant that Raul would never set up two people who work in
the same area.
RAYNE: [To DAN] Yeah, you and Karen might have made a good match.
KELLY: Kelly.
RAYNE: Right. [Pause. Looking at DAN, smiling] I guess it’s a good thing for
me he didn’t set you up.
DAN: Yeah.
KELLY: >Actually it did happen. Raul told me I should go out with Dan. I told
him to shut up and get me a date.
RAYNE: So, Dan, you were saying that you’re a big Yankee fan?
KELLY: >Did I mention his ideal date: Taking a girl to Yankee Stadium and
singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. Charming, huh?
MARTIN: No. It’s not really my demographic. It’s like that movie, Field of
Dreams. I don’t know if you remember, but we broadcast it last year at the
station, and it rated very high among white, middle-income 18-47 year-old
males from suburban nuclear families.
DAN: Huh?
DAN: No. I am not from the suburbs. New York City, buddy.
[Long silence.]
RAYNE: I never really liked baseball, myself, but... I think I might be willing
to learn.
KELLY: So, Martin. You have really nice shoulders. Do you work out?
MARTIN: Oh. Thank you. Yes, I do actually. Five days a week. For about a
year. Since the divorce. I figured it would help my stress level.
KELLY: That’s really great. It’s nice to meet a man who actually goes out and
does something athletic, instead of sitting at home and watching someone else
do it on T.V. [DAN turns from RAYNE to KELLY.] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to
offend you--I’m sure you do a lot of athletic things. When you aren’t watching
your team.
DAN: I do.
[Silence.]
RAYNE: So.
MARTIN: Yeah--this isn’t really how these things are supposed to go. Usually.
MARTIN: That’s dating for you. Maybe Kelly and I should go back to our
table and leave you two--
KELLY: Did I tell you guys about the semester that I took scuba lessons? [No
Response.] I was just thinking because you were saying that you felt at sea.
And then Martin said dating and I thought scuba.
KELLY: So I go out to the lake for the final. They had the final at Lake Mead
so we could get a feel for the real thing. A genuine scuba experience if you
will. And of course I get there late--which I never do. And because I’m late, all
the good equipment is taken. And let me tell you, I’m not exactly Jasques
Cousteau to begin with. So I put on the equipment and I plod down to the boat
and get in. We go out a little ways and then all the members of the Las Vegas
Junior Frogman’s Society start flipping off the boat backwards into the lake. So
I’m sitting there feeling sucky and stupid when it occurs to me that I’m the only
one left on the boat. I finally get up the nerve and jump in. And this humongous
cloud of dirt and mud comes up. You’re supposed to take off your mask and
clear it as soon as you jump in-- which I forget to do--probably because I can’t
see with the mud cloud around me. And, of course, the mask starts to fill with
muddy water. You’re also supposed to clear your mouthpiece. You’re supposed
to take it out of your mouth and throw it over your shoulder and then put it
back in your mouth and blow or something. I’m about to do that when I realize
that I’m floating back to the top. I don’t have enough weight on my belt. The
instructor grabs me and pulls me back down. And I’m thinking, I paid for this?
As soon as he lets go I, of course, start floating back up again and I decide to
start kicking and swim myself back down to the bottom, which kicks up even
more dirt and mud then before. Then I decide to try and clear my mouthpiece. I
throw it over my shoulder and reach back for it, and I can’t find it--because my
mask has now filled with muddy water. So there I was like Pigpen, kicking up a
giant mudcloud around me, blind, frantically searching for my mouthpiece
while floating slowly to back the top –the absolute worst experience of my life
one big, giant, muddy mess!
DAN: And to top it off she got a speeding ticket on the way home.
DAN: Shit.
DAN: Kelly!!!
DAN: Sorry?
KELLY: Can I tell you how much I hate you right now?
DAN: Hate me? It was your idea. I didn’t even want to come here tonight!
RAYNE: You didn’t even want to... What is this some sick game you guys
play?
KELLY: No!
DAN: No! [Short Pause] It was an accident. We were just covering for each
other.
[Long silence.]
[RAYNE and MARTIN stare at each other for a moment, then RAYNE stands
up and grabs her purse.]
RAYNE: You both have major problems. You’re very obsessive people.
Believe me. I’d know.
[RAYNE gets up, as does MARTIN. MARTIN turns again to KELLY and DAN.]
[MARTIN and RAYNE exit. KELLY glares at DAN. Finally he looks at her.]
DAN: What?!
DAN: No I didn’t! [Pause.] And you didn’t say you were gonna come over and
sit with us.
KELLY: And you didn’t say you were gonna be feeling her up right in front of
me.
KELLY: You know, friends or not, that’s pretty classless, throwing that in my
face.
DAN: It’s a date, Kelly. What did you think I’d do? Punch her in the nose?
KELLY: I don’t know, she seemed a little thin, Dan. I don’t think she had wide
enough birthing hips for you!
DAN: --The stupid sissy’s dad was teaching him how to knit while the rest of
us were playing catch.
DAN: SO?!!! [Pause] Look, if you didn’t want to see me with another girl, you
should’ve just met Sissy Boy someplace else.
KELLY: I was going to, but I didn’t want to abandon you!!! You know, I was
supposed to find my soulmate tonight.
KELLY: I don’t know. Maybe to see if you’d stop me, you stupid Guinea.
KELLY: I actually thought that after we held hands, you might get some guts.
DAN: I did not hold your hand! [No response.] I was helping you up!
KELLY: Right.
DAN: Right. One minute you’re holding my hand and the next you’re going to
our Remote Segment director and asking him to set us up on blind dates.
DAN: Bullshit. You’re just jealous that someone likes me. That’s all.
KELLY: Jealous?!! Please. There is no way Rayne Storm would like you.
KELLY: Do you really think little miss CPA was going to learn baseball for
you? There is no way she’d stay interested in the Yankees when they drop three
out of four to Detroit at home!
DAN: [Pause.] How did you know they lost three out of four to Detroit?
KELLY: I wouldn’t have if I’d known you were going to whisper sweet
nothings to her right next to me.
DAN: What are you talking about?
KELLY: Gee, Dan, I don’t know. Something to do with you telling her how
pretty her eyes were.
DAN: I don’t want to forget about it. Her eyes were okay, but they’re not like--
KELLY: Fine, Dan. Okay. Come on. Get it over with. What do my eyes look
like?
>He’s gotta start. He always does this. He’ll make up some big flowery
comment about my eyes and then my hair and then--
[Silence. KELLY and DAN stare into each other’s eyes for a long moment.]
DAN: [Smiles.] I’m sorry.
KELLY: I think we should quit our jobs. No, move. A small state would be
good. No infrastructure to speak of. Maybe pony express. [Pause.] I wish they
had an Idaho for liberals.
[The COFFEE HOUSE GUY comes over to DAN and KELLY with a large bag
of coffee in a green velvet bag. He sees that RAYNE is gone and just stares at
KELLY and DAN for a moment.]
COFFEE HOUSE GUY: I don’t suppose you want this anymore, do you? No.
COFFEE HOUSE GUY: Okay--If you guys want anything else, let me know.
Otherwise I think we’re kinda closing.
[He starts back toward the counter, then turns back briefly.]
COFFEE HOUSE GUY: But thanks. I really enjoyed having you guys here,
tonight. Really. I learned a lot about our stockroom. Really. Thank you.
DAN: So, Celtic and Irish are the same thing, huh?
[KELLY and DAN stand to leave. DAN holds out his hand for KELLY. She
looks at it for a long moment, then takes it.]
KELLY: The last date I went on, we got into a fifteen minute discussion over
which Star Trek movie Shatner’s toupee was better in.
DAN: Star Trek II. [KELLY shakes her head.] Well, you know what my ideal
date is.
DAN: What?
KELLY: Never mind.
>Close enough.
[KELLY steps back to the table she was sharing with Martin and grabs her
purse. She starts back toward DAN.]
END OF PLAY