Jadu's cousin's brother-in-law

latest fan.
Now he's my
hysterical
Ma Mitter's got
awful sight!
Oh what an
at the door
someone
There's

In the middle
of the night,
What a fright!
Translated by Chandreyee Neogy.

RASSUNDARI DEVI.
(1810-2) Bengali

Rassundari Devi's autobiography Amar Jiban (My Life), 1876, is an aston-

in the
ishing achievement. It the first autobiography to
was
Bengali language and it was more than two decades before the next one,
be written
by the eminent Bengali litterateur Debendranath Tagore, was published,
in 1898. Rassundari Devi was an ordinary housewife who had taught
herselt read in secret by scratching the letters the
to
and write
onto a corner of the blackened kitchen wall. Yet her Bengali prose is so
of alphabet
crisp and readable that it could be mistaken for modern text. Rabindranath
Tagore's elder brother, Jyotirindranath, a popular dramatist of his time,
omewhat patronizingly conceded: "this writing is by a woman, an ci
derly, mature woman of 88 [sic]. I therefore read this piece with great
curiosity.I was interested in marking those sections which I found we
written and significant. However as I read I found I would have to un-
derscore every line were I to do this." Though
of in those terms
her work is rarely spoKc
today, its publication was a major event for moue
Bengali prose, which was still in
Rassundari Devi was born in theincipient
an
stage. of Potajia in Bengal.
small village
Because she
lost her father very early in her life, she grew up
herself as her
mother's child. In her thinkinghow
autobiography she described
upsetting was for her to be introduced as her father's
it
Sistent, almost tenacious
sense of her
daughter. A Pshe
struggles to hold individual identity,
one
tn
onto in the most
adverse of circumstances,
teature
hood,
ot
her narrative. Rassundari gives
1Sa LlA
us few details about
her
but she does
tell us that she net ught
was a timid child and her mother
how to pray when she was frightened.
mother and he
She was very close
or care tor
deeply resented that she had not been allowed to to her,
her, when she
lay dying. Had she been a man, go ndari
190
Rassu
REFORM AND
NATIONALIST MOVEMENTS
 would not have becn denied the right to fulfill this basic
surely she wo
Write

human duty.
humas rhe custom in her time, she was married young and left her
As was

other's home when she was twelve to live in what she describes as
"bondage and imprisonment.." Fortunately for young Rassundari, her
n-law w
m o t h err- was
-in-law a s kind to her. She did not have to bear the insults and
or do
or
do the heavy domestic work that fell to the lot of most newly
thetaunts girls. But,
But. wh
when her mother-in-law was bedridden after a serious
wedd girls.
illness. Rassundari had to step in and run the large household single-
illness, Rassundar

oiography
handed. Her autobic is an amazingly detailed account of the cx-
hausting drudgery of this ousehold work, which, especially after the
children came along, was never over, day or night. Some critics have held
narrative up as a celebration of the patient and long-suffering Bengali
housewife. It is not surprising, considering the ideology of her times, that
rhis note is apparent in some of the chapters. What is
surprising, indeed
astonishing, are the impatience and discontent, however mellow and un-
derstated, that come through as clear protests against the trapped lives of
Bengali women and as laments over their helplessness. Some of the most
moving parts of her account describe her struggle to escape the grind of
petty domesticity and teach herself how to read and write. "Is this
because I am a woman?" she asks. my fate
"Just because I am a woman does it
necessarily mean that trying to educate myself is a crime?"
Unusual too is the frank and detailed
description of her experience of
pregnancy and childbirth. At eighteen she is overcome
hild growing within her, but by wonder at the
when she has had many children, she
that her
identity is limited to being their mother. Her husband is regretsa
shadowy figure in her account. There are only
cluding a brief description passing references to him in-
in the (rare for her
time) of
his physical
appearance,
fifteenth composition. When he died in February 1869, her head
was
Or
shaved in
keeping with the humiliating customs of the times, which,
Rassundari, were "more painful than death." As
Personal experience was a of
always for her, her
means thinking
,Oward the end of my life I have been
also
about others. She writes,
widowed. I feel ashamed and hurt
y the realization that even if a woman has lived her life
her children and leaves behind her sons and fully, has brought
Widowhood is still considered a daughters to carry on, her
ndr Jiban is written in two parts. misfortune."
The first, consisting of sixteen com-
ns,
cond part,
which tells the
story of her life, was published in 1876. The
t,
consisting
ach composition of fifteen compositions, was published in 1906.
is preceded
Se nrst part are relatively by dedicatory poem, and the compositions
a

longer. We have excerpted for translation

nfrom
sundaxari's
the first part of Amar
Jiban that provides an account ot Ras
a

everyday life and

episodes are an accoun of how she learned to read. Both
ctual. 'he tone, typical of Rassundari's writing. is one of

RASSUNDARI DeVI 191

 arctatement and restraint, but what
emerges is a clear
the way Bengali society in her time treated women like her indie
indictment of
From: AMAR JIBAN
(My Life)
The Third Composition

... The news made me very hapPY indeed. I would be

would be music, I would hear the women married. There
ululating. How exciting that
would be! Yet I felt scared at the same time. I
cannot express
apprehensions that came to my mind. Meanwhile the various the
necessary for the ceremony began to arrive. Relatives and thinos
pouring in. I was scared to death by all this. I did not talkguests began
to anyone
and spent most of the time
weeping. Everybody did their best to re-
assure me. They embraced me, but the
did not lift. unspoken agony in my mind
Later on I cheered up by the ornaments, the red
was
and the wedding music. I forgot my earlier worries andwedding sari,
went about
laughing and watching the elaborate preparations. My
no bounds. When happiness knew
everything was over the next day, heard people
I
asking my mother, "Are they leaving
reterring to the guests. Then the musictoday?"
I thought they were
started. There was an air ot
festivity. The guests must be leaving now, I
and I went about thought. It made me hapPY
bled inside the
followingmy mother. Presently everybody assem
house. Some looked
That made me feel happy, but others were in tears.
and my mother
really frightened. Then my brother, aunts, uncies,
all took me in their
arms by turn as they
tears. Their
tears made me so burst ino
sad that I began to cry too.
mother was
going to hand me over to
I
my hold on the other family. I tignt
her and
pleaded,
nat made everybody present "Don't give me over to
wn and
them,
tried to say nice even more
They broke down
upset.
words
and said,"You are a goodconsole
to arms
me. My mother took
God 1s with
us, you
girl, you understand erything,don't
everything" you?to
don't you?
needn't
us in a few days' time. be afraid. You are going to
co e .
Nobody else cries like Every girl has to go to her
this. There is no reason to et. Please
calm down and set. Please
talk to me." o
was
quite unable to But I was trembling all uer with
aluOover with tea
speak.
you sure that Somehow I managed anaged to say through my
tears: "Are
reassured me that he God will go with to s* romptly
ith me?" Mother prom
most certainly me will ewith
De with you
would. "He will be you
192
REFORM AND
NATIONALIST MOVEME
NALIST MovEMENTSs
thetime
ctoD Ccrying now."
But in spite of her
soothing words my
ensions kept growing andl could not check my tears.
rehensions

PpWith great effort they took me away from my mother. I still feel sad
Whink
when I thi of the state of mindI was in and the
agony I was
through. As a matter of fact it is indeed a sad thing to leave going
one's
throug
parents, s e t le in some other place, and live under other
people.
where your parents are no longer your own. But such is the will of
A place
God, so it is praiseworthy.
cung to whomever came to
pick me up and went on weeping
cessantly. Everyone,
inces
old and young, was moved to tears.
Eventually
they managed to put me into a palanquin, which was not the one
intended for me. No sooner was I seated inside than the bearers started
marching off. With none of my near ones close by I sank into a deep
depression. Since there was no way out, I started praying through my
tears: "Please be with me, God." If I am asked to describe my state of
mind, I would say that it was very much like the sacrificial goat being
dragged to the altar, the same hopeless situation, the same agonized
screams. I could see none of my relatives near me. I was miserable, and
in tears I kept calling for my mother. I also prayed with all my heart
as Mother had told me to. If you ever feel afraid, think of God, she
had said.
All these thoughts went through
my mind as I sat weeping. Very
soon I felt too
parched cry.
to
6307
The Fourth Composition

Unable to cry any more I fell into decp sleep. I had no idea what
happened after that and where I was taken.
When I woke up the next morning I found myself on a boat with
none of my relations near me. All the people who came and talked

were strangers. I thought of my mother and other members of the

amaly, the affectionate neighbors, my playmates. Where were they
now and where was 1? So I started to weep once again. My heart felt
i t it would break. All the people in the boat tried to console me.
that increased my misery because their kind words reminded me
of the
the affection of my own people. Tears streamed down endlessly
Couldn't stop them. I cried till I was out of breath. Besides the
a new experience and it made me feel sick.
All I could
do in was the
i n my desperation was to think of God, and I did that, though the
aOminant emotion I felt was fear. But Mother had said, speak
n e of God if you are afraid. So Ijust kept on repeating my prayers.

RASSUNDARI DevI 193

 understand thepredicament I was in-
Only God will body else
Even now remember those days, The
canhave any idea.
in the net.
caged bird,
the fish caught
the will of Goa, however, it was no use feel.
Since it was
feeling sorTy
what I felt at the time ?
know
for how other
myself. I am only
girls writing aboutthey do not feeB as miserable
feel. Perhaps I do
do nor
as
not1

did. Actually there are no obvious reasons tor my sadness but tha.tears
came constantly because I had to leave my own people.
People put birds in cages tor their own amusement. Well, I was lk
a caged bird. And I would have to remain in this cage for life. I would
never be freed. We spent a few more days on the boat. Then I heard
people say that we were about to reach home. For one moment
thought they meant my home. It gave rise to mixed emotions and also
to fear. God only knows what went through my mind. All I could do
was cry-I spent all my days and nights crying Strange are the ways
of God! Your laws are 'so wonderful' You have taken me from my
dear mother and from others I love so much and have brought me to
this distant place. That night we landed We arrived at their house and
saw different people taking part in all sorts of merrymaking. But none
of them was from my part of the country T d1d not know a singie one
of them. I began to weep again I was so upset that the stream oftears
did not cease. Everybody tried to assure me that this was my home
that all these peopie and everyth1ng that I saw was mine-and that
reason to cry. From now on I would have to live hete and look
had no
after the house. There was no reason to be upset. But cven as they

spoke, my longing increased because I knewI wouldn't be able to see

my tamuly. Sorrow engulfed me like a raging forest fire. Those who
have had such experiences perhaps know how useless words seein
times of sorrow. If somebody
loses her son, is it wise to rebukc ue
Or ask her not to lament, saying he must have been an enemy in a"

carier birth: "He y Du

it he
was not your son really. He wouldn't have
had been so. He was a
plunderer-don't ever utter his na
.

The Fifth Composition

My day used to begin very early-and there was no momen
from
housework till long past nent.

But thanks to the midnight. I could not rest, even t

in a spirit ofduty
grace of of duty.
No Work
seemed too
GodI
did everything g e d to

tiring, Because God wished it, i

gradually finish all the then

Around this time, the household tasks. I was only hooks books en-

idea that I should learn how to

T
194
REFORM AND NATIONALIST MoVEMENTS
tered my
mind. But unfortunately girls were not
hat
ose days. "Wh: is
to?" theysupposed
the world
coming read in to
men will be doing the work of
chink t h a t w o m e n
used to say. "To
men! Never
In In this new age even is has come to be heard of it
heiore
betore

becoming famous and men seem

women a r e
true! These days
things
never good
happened before.
for Such nothing.
strange There was even a
he the throne.
throne. Who 1 knows
what other woman ruler
on
way things are going, a decent man will yervs
decent changes
are in for us!
store tor
ore us! The
The
man will
n
sOon the
womenfolk will
very soon lose his caste.
Pretty
get together
and study books."
henI overheard these conversations I used to feel
Ld never dared to tell anyone about my desires-but really scared. I
afraid that they might come to know what was now I became
on
not look at a page with written my mind. I dared
letters on it, in case
to my desire for
learning. But I they attributed it
prayed constantly to God. I said,
"Please, God, help me learn, so that I can read
God, friend of the poor, I invoke religious books. Dear
your
only for this." I used to
name
say, "God, you have brought far from my
me so
journey of three days and threc nights to Ramdia. village Potajia-a
leave my friends and You have made me
my relations and have
place. And now, this village of Ramdia hasbrought me to this faraway
strange that is! When I did not know how to become my home. How
the do any housework, even
slightest attempt would please my mother. She
Detore the others. used to praise me
Look at me now. I am no
to work
for others. And there is so longer tree. I have learned
much I should do. These
have become
very dear to me. .." All these people
thoughts
ny mind and I would shed tears, hiding my face in theraced through
sari that was
arawn over my head. Nobody knew of my sorrow. How could
Know, for my face lay hidden. "Only you knew because they
you are my
ather, my God, the heart of
my heart, the life of my life, the
m of kindness. I float in your kindness all the time. You have very been
ne through good days and bad days. You know all that I have
Perienced; I cannot
keepageanything
D left my village at the
back trom
you.then I have lived in
of twelve. Ever since
ndia.
But I must admit the people here are very good. They are
Ifnd of me. WheneverI was physically ill they were so concerned that
brgot all the discomfort. Even the neighbors and the servants were
ind.: It was as
me. I was
was
as though God had asked them to be particularly nice to
fro confident that they loved me more than they loved people
from their
hheir own own family. In fact none of them was ever rude to me or
showed disple
pleasure in any way. Everyone was extremely kind. And I
include my immediate family also, who are good beyond comparison.
195
RASSUNDARI DEVI
Everybody loved me sincerely. No one ever spoke a harsh word. E.
ven
now they are nice, but I do not know how long this will continue
do not know how much longer Il have to be here. Only God knowe
what will happen to me in my last days-whether people will still be

as kind as they were.

Dear Master, all-pervading Father of the Universe! Your glory is

without end. Who can fathom your actions! Only you know their
reason. It is a mistake for mortals even to try to think about such
things. I came to the village of Ramdia at the age of twelve. For the
next six years I was treated like a new bride. My mind too was playful,
like that of a child. That was how I spent the hrst eighteen years of
my life. But it was a very happy time for me. I had little to worry
about. My only effort was to please people through the work I did in
the house. My only regret was that I was not able to read and write
because I was a girl. Women of today are so lucky. Many parents
educate their daughters. I think this is a good practice.
Now I am going to describc the children who were born to me. I
had a son, Bipinbchari, when I was cighteen. At twenty-one, I had
another son, Pulinbehari. At twenty-three, I had a daughter. She was
named Ramsundari. Another son was born when I was twenty-five.
He was called Pearylal. The next son. Radhanath, was born when I
was twenty-cight. At thirty, I had another son, Dwarakanath. WhenI
was thirty-two, I had another son, who was called Chandranath. When
I was thirty-four I had another son. Kishorilal. Then another child, a
son, lived in my womb for six months. but then he died. After this,
when I was thirty-seven, I had one more son, who is called Pratap
Chandra. Then at the age of thirty-nine I had a daughter, Shyamsun-
dari. When I was forty-one I had my youngest-a son named Mukun-
dalal. My first child was born when I was eighteen and the last when
was forty-one. God only knows what I had to go through during
those twenty-three years. Nobody else had any idea either.
There were eight maidservants in the house, but all of them lived
outside the household. There was nobody to do the household chores
in the inner quarters. I was the only one. As was the custom, I had to
do all the work and look after the children as well. I had to work right
through the day and the night, without a moment's rest. Sufice it to
say that I had no time to think about my own health. So much so that
I often did not eat either of the two meals. There were days when the
pressure of work did not let me even have one meal during the course
of the day. I should not dwell on those things, however. I feel ashamed
even to mention them. Yet I think I should speak briefly of one or two

196 REFORM AND NATIONALIST MoVEMENTS

 ced to get up before the
ork around the house. I even children woke up in order
incidents.

started cooking before to do

fter feeding the children I finished
.Ar Then I had had to make my whatever else was they were
joneady to prep the meals for the
done.
offerings to the family deityleftandto be
dy lot-about twelve seers rest of the get
quitea of rice for each family. I had to cook
d eat his meal of rice
se had to eat
meal. The master
of the
housHe ould not eat just after he had bathed
ing. anything else. So I had to cook in the morn-
him frst. In the next rounddI cooked for the entire specially for
be about four in the afternoon family. So it used
oftenoon I was just aboutbefore the
to sit down
cooking
to eat,
was done.
nd served the tamily, when a
guest arrived. He was having cooked
of a low caste
and he refused to cook for himself. He
me rice if I may." He retused to said, "I would like to
eat have
time to cook again. So there was
no other
anything else. There was
no
food I had served for way. I had to offer him the
myself. I
evening and went back to do the thought I'd .cook something in the
household
o bed and went into
the kitchen. I was chores. I put the children
There was nobody else at home
and I
feeling extremely hungry.
to some of the could easily have helped myself
food that was there.
Besides, the other members of the There was
nobody to stop me.
to see me family would
eating. But the problem was I never only have been happy
except rice, which served myself
others came to know that automatically ruled out anything
many other foodstuffs. If
I had not
fuss-that was what I told eaten, they'd have made a
lot of
the mother if myself. Besides, the children
always bother
that fuss? I
they find her eating. What was the
kitchen and began to point
went into the of creating all
cooking. It grew late but my husband was still in cook. I finished the
hovse. There
was no sign of
his office in the outer
up for my husband. It was so late him, so I served all the others and waited
e
up, I kept that pretty soon the children
thinking. That meant going without food would
Worst fears
chilc woke came true. As soon as my husband came in, one of the
again. Then
up and started whining. I served
up the child hoping to put him to
my husband and picked
shed. sleep by the time my husband had
Cd.Icould
presently manage to eat with the sleeping child on my
another onee was up and lap. But
said, joined the chorus. "Never mind,"
oother hold both of.them and manage to eat." So I T|
bl child from his bed. picked up the
blowin The lamp Suddenly, when I began to eat, astorm started
to cry again. I This scared the children and they began
went out.
did not was so
hungry thatI would have eaten in the dark if I
Ohave have to hold
he the children. There were maidservants but they
RASSUNDARI Dev1 197
 send the children outdoors in the da-
were outside. How could
I
children were
arkness.
crying. It w
husband was sure to
ask why the
Mv
eat. SoI had to leave my plate there and oo
better that I did not the storm blew over. The children
Later on re
theadjoining room. tired been fast the whole
to
asleep. But I felt
too had I
to eat. routine torced
went through the
and hurried to the kitch
day. Next day I hen.
had not eaten the previous day. After everybodu
Nobody knew that I
have the time something myself. But
to have
ate, I thought l'd finally who was holding the
had to serve the servant
that was not to be. I
needed milk too. I attended to both of them and
baby. Then the baby
the baby in my lap. No sooner had I
sat down with a plate of rice,
and urinated in such
done than the baby decided to have a motion
so

a way that all

the rice was washed away.
This was an act of God and it made me laugh. I did not tell anyone
was an embar-
thatI had been without food for the last two days. It
rassing subject and I did not want others to discuss it. So I preferred
to keep quiet about it. Thus on many occasions I was forced to go

without food. By the grace of God I had excellent health. It would

have been difficult to bring the children up if I had been sickly. Dear
God! Who can fathom your glory? I feel overwhelmed to think of your
kindness to your daughter. I am ignorant of your greatness. I call on
you only because my mother asked me to do so. Blessed is my life,
my birth. I am grateful for everything.
Merciful God! I am only an unfortunate girl. I hardly know you. i
don't know what I would have done without you. If I had had a sickly
body I couldn't possibly have raised my children. I would have been
most miserable with a sick body. I thank you a hundred times. Friend
of the poor! It is only through your good grace that I have come to
know what it takes to bring up a child, what agony the mother has to
go through. I never knew that a mother has to suffer so much for the
sake of her children. People never realize these things unless they go
through similar pressures. Now I know perfectly well the tortures a
mother has to undergo because of her children. Every human being
should know this. Most people do not have any knowledge about the
matter.
I regret to say that I have not taken good care of my own mother,
who was so affectionate. A mother is a
very precious thing-it is my
misfortune that I did not understand it. She suffered so much for my
sake. But I was not of any use to her. She did
not derive any benefit
from me. She used to cry for me and wanted to have me over. But l
am a virtual prisoner nere. They never sent me to
her because the
198 REFORM AND NATIONALIST MoVEMENTS
 work here would suffer. I
househ
hold
was allowed to
go back to attend
family festival but had to return in a
couple of days like a slave.
o fifteen ople accompanied me on the boat

nen and two maidservants. I was allowed

along with two
to visit my
people
senior

only.
under certain conditions. I was allowed to
go only on special
casions, not
o c a s
not otherw otherwise. When my mother lay on her
deathbed she
nted very badly to
nted very to see me. I have caused
her sorrow, hateful
sinner
t II am.
that tried my utmost, but could not
am. I tried go. It is my misfortune. It
is matter
of no ordinary regret. Alas
matter of
my God, why did you let me
be born as a human
he being' it is indeed a
very rare fortune to be born
human being. Birds and beasts are inferior
beings. And to think of
the sin I have committed even after being fortunate enough
to be born
human. Why was I ever born
woman? Shame on my life! A
a

is the most affectionate person in the world. the

mother
on earth-and I could not even be of
representative of God
any use to her. My grief knew
no bounds. IfI were a son I would have
flown directly to my mother's
bedside. But I am helpless. I ama caged bird.
The Sixth Composition
I was so immersed in the of
sea housework that
conscious I was not
ofwhat I was going through day
night. After and
some time the desire
to learn how to read
with myself for
properly grew very strong in me. I was angry
wanting to read books. Girls did not read. How could
?What a peculiar situation I had
This was one of the bad
placed myself in. What was I to do?
aspects of the old system. The other
were not so bad. aspects
People uscd to despise women of learning. How
untortunate those women were,
they said. They were no better than
animals. But it is no use
blaming others. Our fate is our own. In fact
Older women used to
show a great deal of displeasure it they saw a
picce of
paper in the hands of a woman. So that ruled out my chances
ogetting any education. But somehow I could not accept this. I was
cry keen to learn the alphabet. When I was a child I used to sit in the
olroom and listen to the chanting of the students. Could I remem-
ocr
any of that? By and by I recalled the thirty letters with all their
wel combinations. I could recognize the letters, but was still not
owrite them. What was I to do? Actually one cannot learn with-
a
teacher. Besides, I was a woman, and a married one at that,
Was and
supPPOsed to talk to anyone. If anyone spoke a harsh word to
Cwould die of shame. That was the fear that kept me from talking
anyone. My only hope was God and my constant prayer was, "Dear

RASSUNDARI DEVI 199

Cod. I can only learn to read and write it you teach me. Who ola.

there to be my teacher? Days passed in this manner.

One day I dreamt that I was reading the Chaitanya Bhagavata, w.
hen
I woke up I felt enthralled. I closed my eyes to go over the scene t

seemed that I was already

in possession of something precious .
with satisfaction. It I
body and my mind swelled
was so strangel
ad
never seen the book yet I had been reading it in my dream. For an
illiterate person like me, it would have been absolutely impossible to
read such a difficult book. Anyhow I was pleased that I was able to
this feat at least in a dream. My life was blessed!
impossible
perform
God had at last listened to my constant appeals and had given me the

ability read in my dream. Thank you, dear God. You have made
to
me so haPpy. He had given me what I had wanted so much, and I was

happy.
Our home contained several books. Perhaps the Chaitanya Bhagavata
to me after
is one of them, I thought to myself. But what did it matter
all? An illiterate woman like mc wouldn't cven recognize the book. So
allow
I prayed to God again, saying. "You are the fricnd of the poor;
me to recognize the book. You must let m e have
that book. You are
That how I prayed to God
the only one whom I can apPproach." was

silently.
How strange are the ways of God and the effects of his kindness!
He heard my prayers and set out to grant m e my wish. My
eldest son
was then eight. I was working in the kitchen o n e day
when my hus-
band came in and said to him, "Bipin, I am leaving my Chaitanya
it when I ask you to." Saying that
Bhagavata here. Please bring over
he put the book down there and went back to the outer house.
I listened from the kitchen. No words c a n express the delight I
felt
the
when I heard his words. I was filled with happiness and rushed to
'"You
spot to find the book there. Pleased with myself, I said to God,
have granted my wish," and I picked the book up. In those days books
were made differently. There were illustrated wooden frames to hold
the sheets. Since I did not know how to read, I tried to remember the

illustrations.
When the book was brought into the room I detached one sheet and
hid it. But I was afraid lest it were found. That would be a disgrace.T
might even be rebuked. It was not easy to face criticism or rebuke. T
was very sensitive about those things. Those days were not like present
ones. We were completely under the control of men. And I was par-
ticularly nervous. I was at a loss with that sheet. Where should I keep
it so that nobody would find it? But if they did, what would they say?

200 REFORM AND NATIONALIST MoVEMENTS

Finally I decided to put it in some place where I would be present most
of the time and nobody else was likely to go. The khori* in the kitchen
in
the only hiding place I could think of. Housework kept me busy
was the
the whole day. There was no time even to look at it. In the evening
cooking ontinued until it was very late. By the time I was free,
L children had awakened. Some demanded to be taken to the toilet,
some
were hungry, some wanted to be picked up, some started
had to attend to their demands. Then I felt
o II ha
crying, sso
arhere was the time for my education? I did not see any way out. No
sleepy myself-so
e could learn without the help of a teacher. There were some letters
rhat I could recognize but I wasn't able to write them. How can one
be literate without being able to write? So how was I to read that sheet?
I thought and thought about it but could not find a
way out. Besides,
the danger of being seen was very much there.
Gradually I began to lose hope, but I prayed to God constantly,
"Please, God, teach me how to read. If you don't, who else
will?"
That was my constant prayer. Sometimes I used
to think that I would
never succeed. Even if I tried hard
and somebody was
me, where was the time? It was useless. I'd
willing to teach
never learn. The
moment I thought, Of course I will. very next
God has given me
hope. He can
never
disappoint me. Encouraged, I kept that sheet to myself. But I
had no time to look at it. I
the
kept the sheet in my left hand while I did
cooking and glanced at it through the sari, which was drawn over
my tace. But a mere
glance was not enough, because I could not iden-
tify the letters.
I decided to steal one of the palm
leaves on which my eldest son
used to
practice his
handwriting. One look at the leaf, another at the
eet, a
comparison with the letters I already knew, and, finally, a
erihcation
0r
with the speech of others--that was the
process I adopted
some time.
Furtively I would take out the sheet and
put it back
promptly before anybody could see it.
wasn't it a matter to be regretted, that I had go through all this
to
humiliation just because I was a woman? Shut up like a thief, even
ying to earn was considered an offense. It is such a
the omen today enjoying so much freedom. These days parents of a
pleasure to see
single
S girl child take so much care to educate her. But we had to strug-

hOri
w
is an elevated bamboo
platform, used as a storage space in East Bengali
Bangladeshi) village kitchens.
RASSUNDARI Devi 201
le so much just for that. The bttle that IT have learned is on
God did me the favor. cause
Actually the man who was my master haPpened to be a likahl,
son. But it is difficult to ignore or reject accepted customs and
tices. That was why I had to undergo all that misery. Anyway
use crying over spilled milk. In those days people considered th no

cation of women to be wrong. Even now we come across d-

some who
are enemies of education. The very word excites their displeasure
tually they were not really to blame; it was a time that was verv

cious. If you compare that

period with the present you find many
changes-beyond count. If the people of the carlier generation were
here to witness all these changes, they would havc died of disgust and
shame. But whatever God dirccts scems to be tor the good. The
heavy
dress of the women in those days. the heavy jewelry, the conch-sheil
bangles, and large vermilion dots used to look very nice. Of course
not all clothes were like that.
But I have no reason to complan. God has looked after me well and
I spent my time with a happy heart. Suffice it to say that whatever he
does is for the best. As a child I uscd to sit with the other children in
the primary school. This proved to be useful when I compared the
letters of the palm leaf and shcet of the book with the memory of the
alphabet I had. All through the day I went on doing this in my mind.
After a
great deal of time and with great efort I somehow manage
to stumble through the Chaitanya Bhagavata. Books were not printea
in those days. The handwriting was difficult to decipher. Oh, the trou
ble I had to take to read. In spite of all that, 1 d1d not learn to writ
O n e needs a lot o f t h i n g s i f o n e is t o write: paper, pen, ink, m* P
wom-
ana so on. You have to set everything before you. And I was 2 w
or
an, the
daughter-in-law of the family. I was not supposed to s me
if they
wte.t was generally accepted as grave offensc. And
a

with all the writing paraphernalia, what would they say?I wasd
afraid of criticism. So I gave up the idea o f writing *"
and seemed
conceni an
emed a n
t
reading. to read.
on I neverthought would able
I be
ed
learned pos|
was pos-
was

impossible task in my situation. The little that I have

in
a t e v e r

sible because God

guided me. I was deepiy engrossed
ind.
could read and the idea of writing did not cross my min

Translated by Enakshi Chatterjee.

202 REFORM AND NATIONALIST MoVEMENT