Understanding The Defiant Child
Understanding The Defiant Child
Understanding The Defiant Child
Defiant Child
By Lisa Elder, PsyD
Directives: Children
What are directives? Directives are expectations that you have of your child and that you express to your
child. Giving your child a directive is a way of letting him or her know what she or he is expected to do.
Directives are different from threats. Threats are “scare tactics” or consequences used to scare or
intimidate the child about what will happen if he or she does not comply. Directives are simply telling
your child what is expected of him or her. There are several important points to learn about directives:
1. Make sure you mean it. Never give a command that you do not intend to see the child
complete. When you make a request of your child, plan to back it up with appropriate
consequences, both positive and negative, to show that you mean what you have said.
2. Do not present the directive as a question or favor. State the command or directive in a
simple, direct way, and in a businesslike tone of voice.
3. Do not give too many commands at once. Most children are able to follow ONE or TWO
instructions at a time. Try giving only one specific instruction at a time. If you want your child to
do something that is complicated or involves more than a few steps, then break it down into
smaller steps and give one step at a time.
4. Make sure the child is paying attention to you. Be sure that you have EYE CONTACT with
your child. If necessary, gently turn the child’s face toward yours to ensure that he or she is
listening and watching when the command is given. Get down to your child’s eye level to make
eye contact if necessary.
5. Let the child know when you expect him or her to comply with the directive. Make sure
you let the child know when you expect them to do what it is you have asked of him or her. For
instance, you may want him or her to immediately wash up and come to dinner. Or, you may
want the child to turn off the TV and begin working on his or her homework within the next 15
minutes. In either case, let your child know when you expect them to comply.
6. Reduce all distractions before giving the command. This is a very common mistake. Often
parents try to give instructions while the child is watching TV, listening to music, or playing a
video game. Parents cannot expect children to pay attention to them when something more
entertaining is going on in the room. Turn off these distractions yourself or tell the child to turn
them off before giving the command.
7. Ask the child to repeat the command. This should be done if you are not sure your child
heard or understood the command. Also, for children with a short attention span, having them
repeat the command appears to increase the likelihood they will follow through.
8. Give praise for compliance. Praise your child immediately for a job well done, or for any praise
worthy behavior.
1. Rules should be detailed & state how the youth’s compliance is to be measured and
monitored. Parents should expect the youth to try to circumvent the rules; the parents shouldn’t
be too apologetic about investigating whether the youth is following the rules; parent is collecting
evidence to rebuild trust. Monitoring is to be expected in the beginning. For example, curfews
must be specific; flexibility can be helpful but discussed up front (e.g. grace window of 10
minutes).
2. Consequences must matter to the teen: When possible, each rule should be associated with
a positive consequence for compliance and a negative consequence for noncompliance—and they
should be logical and fitting (e.g., if youth is late for dinner, then he makes his own dinner OR
coming home late from curfew results in the next social event being cancelled, but coming home
on time could be rewarded with an hour extension). Food, shelter, clothing, medical care, and
parental love are rights and should not be on a rewards list. However, cell phone, transportation,
material possessions, spending money, etc. are not rights. Adolescents may think that they are
entitled to these things. But, it is therapeutic to reframe these “rights” as “privileges.”
3. Consequences need to be administered with consistency: parents often make the mistake
of threatening too much and grounding too little; don’t announce punishments out of excessive
anger and resist temptations to reduced promised punishments because they feel sorry for the
youth.
Parent tells the youth to take out the garbage and he refuses
Parent attempts to implement a time out, but teen refuses to comply with punishment
Parent tells the youth he is grounded for the weekend, but when Saturday night arrives, he walks
out of the house and gets into a car with his friends
Parent responds by switching consequences that do not require the youth’s cooperation
The caregiver removes several of the youth’s favorite possessions, and when this does not bring
him under control…
Parent goes on strike
For the youth to regain his possessions and parent services, he must obey all directives he
originally defied (complete the weekend grounding, then the time out, and finally take out the
garbage).
Talking with Teens Effectively
Adapted from:
Your Defiant Child by Russell Barkley
(480) 443-0050│www.melmedcenter.com
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