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 summer 2011 issue 3
HEY! WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ PORKERS? LOOK, I’M A FIRM BELIEVER IN “IF YOU EXPLAIN IT
TOO MUCH YOU RUIN IT” & “THE POWER OF THE SECRET STUFF.” OKAY, BUT AT THE SAME
TIME, I’M WORKING HARD TO MAKE THE WORLD HOW I WANT IT, I DON’T GOT TIME TO
KEEP EVERYTHING HIDDEN & EXCLUSIVE. THAT’S A BIG PART OF WHY PORK IS FREE & ON
THE STREETS. I WANT ANYONE WHO’S INTERESTED IN THIS THING TO PICK IT UP & GET
ZONKED, GONKED, GLOOKED, SLURPED, TURNED UP, TURNED OUT, FLIPPED ON & TRIPPED
OFF. IT IS MY PERSONAL GOAL TO HIT EACH & EVERY ONE OF YOU OUT OF THE GODDAMN
BALL PARK. POW! WE GOT A SHORT TIME ON THIS EARTH & WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN WE GO, & THINGS ARE NOT HOW I WANT THEM TO BE. MOSTLY THINGS ARE JUST TOO
BORING! BUT ALSO, THINGS ARE BEING DONE WRONG! THINGS ARE OUT OF WACK, UNBAL-
ANCED, TIPPING TOWARDS TOTAL DEGENERACY OR TOTALLY UPTIGHT. WHEN I CAME UP
WITH THE IDEA OF STREET & SWEET IT WAS SPECIFICALLY THE NOTION OF BALANCE THAT
I WAS AFTER. PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO PEG ME AS THIS OR THAT, LOOK MAN, I’M
NOT ANYTHING, I’M EVERYTHING, BUT SPECIFICALLY, I’M BALANCED. YOU CAN FIND ME IN
THE MIDDLE GOING AFTER BOTH SIDES BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH WRONG. MOST OF YOU
CAN ALREADY SMELL THE PORK AGENDA, BUT I’M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT IS ANYHOW.
I WANT AMERICA TO BE WHAT OTHER COUNTRIES ASPIRE TO. I WANT YOUNG PEOPLE ALL
OVER THE WORLD TO WANT TO SNEAK AWAY FROM THEIR UPTIGHT PARENTS & BECOME
AMERICANS. I WANT THERE TO BE SEASIDE AMUSEMENT PARKS IN EVERY COASTAL CITY. I
WANT PEOPLE TO TAKE THEIR HOT DOGS SERIOUSLY (ALL BEEF OR PORK, NO KETCHUP!).
IF WE’RE GONNA HAVE CRAZY NEW CARS THAT DON’T USE GASOLINE, MAKE THEM CRAZY,
OUT OF CONTROL & FULL OF ENERGY! I WANT KIDS TO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN MAKE THEIR
WAY IN THE WORLD & THEN GO & DO IT, WITHOUT JUMPING THROUGH A BUNCH OF HOOPS!
I WANT DRIVE-IN MOVIES & DRIVE-IN BURGER SPOTS WITH GIRLS ON ROLLER SKATES. I
WANT PINBALL GAMES IN EVERY CORNER STORE. I WANT COMIC BOOKS TO BE FOR LITTLE
KIDS AGAIN & TO BE A CRAZY WORLD WHERE MOM & DAD AREN’T ALLOWED, WHERE
KIDS CAN ORDER CRAZY SHIT FROM THE BACK OF EACH ISSUE. I WANT CARTOONS TO BE
UNHINGED & A LITTLE BIT SCARY WITH A ROOTING IN VAUDEVILLE. I WANT VAUDEVILLE
THEATRES ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I WANT HISTORICAL GUILT TO GO OUT THE WINDOW.
I WANT THE DEMOCRATS & THE REPUBLICANS TO BE BURIED AT SEA. I WANT THE COL-
LEGES TO BE PLACES OF LEARNING & NOT PLACES OF PARTISAN BRAINWASHING. I WANT
AMERICA TO BOMB OUR ENEMIES INTO STOKEAGE WITH POPULAR CULTURE & POP IDOLS
& POP ART & POP FOOD. I WANT EVERY AFGHANI KID TO HAVE AN MP3 PLAYER WITH THE
BEACH BOYS, THE RAMONES, APACHE, THE 4 SEASONS, OHIO EXPRESS, SHANNON & THE
CLAMS & NOBUNNY ON IT & A TRANSLATED EDITION OF PORK MAGAZINE. I WANT RALPH
BAKSHI TO HAVE HIS OWN BAKSHI LAND. I WANT OLD STYLE GANGS TO COME BACK WITH
COOL VESTS. I WANT PEOPLE TO VIEW PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AT HOME LIKE DRINKING BY
YOURSELF. I WANNA LIVE IN OUTER SPACE.
I WANT ONLY THE SCUM TO GET TATTOOS. I
WANT A NEW DANCE CRAZE EVERY WEEK. I
WANT REGIONAL RADIO HITS. I WANT ECCEN-
TRIC TV STATION OWNERS & RADIO DJS WHO
TAKE RISKS. I WANT DANGER. I WANNA SNIFF
SOME GLUE. THE PORK DREAM IS TO KNOW
THE BEST BURGER & PIZZA SLICE & DIE
DEFENDING THEM. IT’S TO GO SEE B-MOVIES
AT THE DRIVE-IN WITH OPENING BANDS &
CARTOONS MADE BY LUNATICS. IT IS TO BE
ABLE TO CALL ON YOUR NEPHEW’S GANG
WHEN SOMEONE STOLE YOUR CAR & THEY
CAN GET IT BACK FOR YOU & MAKE SURE IT
WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. IT IS PEOPLE MAKING
FAMILIES BECAUSE THEY WANNA WORK AS
A TEAM & RAISE SOME KIDS TO KEEP OPEN-
ING PANDORA’S BOX TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
NOW YOU KNOW, & KNOWING IS HALF THE
BATTLE. SEAN SAYS.

INTERNETPORK.COM facebook.com/porkmagazine
twitter@PORKMAGAZINE sean@internetpork.com
PORK MAGAZINE IS PRODUCED BY

GOBLINKO.COM POBOX 12044 EUGENE OR 97440 U$A

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PORK PERSONNEL:
SEAN ÄABERG: Der SchweinReich Führer
KATIE ÄABERG: PHOTOGRAPHY. 10K$ IDEAS. MANAGEMENT.
AMELIA HART: THE WHITE OPRAH. HAIR & MAKEUP.
ALLIHALLA: FASHION VALKYRIE.
CONTRIBUTORS: ERIK den BREEJEN, BOBBY MADNESS, JASON MCKAY,
MINUSBABY, DANIEL SHOUP, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT.
MODELS: AYA COCKRAM, JANELLE DERVEN, ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA
HART, MIRANDA JENEE, ANNA PONTO, AARON SULLIVAN.
PORK is published quarterly by GOBLINKO. SIX ISSUE SUBSCRIPTIONS
ARE AVAILABLE FOR $12
PORK #3: 8000 PRINT RUN
SPECIAL THANKS: To all our advertisers & street soldiers!
WANNA ADVERTISE? CONTACT SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM or CALL
541*556*5778 FOR PORK’S WONDERFULLY REASONABLE RATES!
PORK/GOBLINKO is available as a full-service ad agency & Think Tank. From video games to
TV spots to political strategies. STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD WITH GOBLINKO!
ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2011 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 2 OVER TEN.
OFFENDED? D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.? IT JUST MEANS YOU’RE A SQUARE. PORK IS NOT POLITICALLY AFFILIATED & DOES NOT SUPPORT
POLITICAL DIVISIONS OR YOUR ABSURD POLITICAL INTERESTS. PORK IS NOT A NAZI MAGAZINE YOU IDIOTS. HAVE YOU SEEN
A NAZI MAGAZINE? THIS IS NOT WHAT ONE LOOKS LIKE. PORK WAS CO-FOUNDED BY A JEW WITH THE CLOSEST THING AMERI-
CA HAS TO AN OLD SCHOOL NYC JEWISH MAGAZINE PUBLISHER SINCE BILL GAINES OR AL GOLDSTEIN. GET REAL NUMB
NUTS!!! IT’S 2011! THE 90S ARE OVER! THE WORLD IS TOO BIG & AMAZING FOR YOUR PETULANT COLLEGE IDENTITY POLITIC
STUDIES UPTIGHTNESS! IT’S OVER. FOAD. HAVE SOME FUN. GET OVER YOURSELF. STOP TRIPPING OFF MY SHIT. IF YOU CAN’T
HANDLE IT, STAY ON CAMPUS Sind sie noch da? Ha ha! Of Course Schweinefleisch ist ein Nazi-Magazin! Natürlich!
 Gewalttätigen & Zierlichen

You’re about to witness the strength of sweet knowledge. by Sean Äaberg

VOODOO BONE NECKLACE SNUFF
My son Otto wore this Voodoo bone I am apparently unable to become addicted to
necklace with a coon-skin cap all the time cigarettes, thankfully. Despite several bouts of
when he was two. It was a complicated chain-smoking in my late teens & early twenties,
set of statements being made to the world I never got hooked. I have always been able to
from him & from me, but centrally it was, smoke socially & not smoke for the rest of the
“Fuck you, I’m a national hero like Davey time. As smoking has become more & more taboo
Crockett but I’m also a straight savage who & cigarettes are SO bloody expensive, one must
has dipped his soul into the black lands.” look for stylish alternatives to smoked nicotine
Everyone loved his get up because they rush. Snuff is a fantastic alternative, is old-fash-
recognized that it was going to take that ioned, obscure & comes in an absurd number of
frontier spirit & dabbling in Black Magic to flavors. It’s also fun to snort things up your nose!
turn this country around. Duh.

SHURIKEN AKA NINJA STARS SNOW PEA & SHRIMP CRISPS by CALBEE
It’s pretty important to have some
ninja stars around at all times. I have Back when I lived in Oakland, I would go to China
yet to meet anyone who is really Town if I was bored. There would always be
amazing with these things & can do something new & interesting somewhere in the
stuff like in the movies where all of smelly nooks & crannies of that fantastic ethnic
a sudden dudes are dying with ninja ghetto. Now In Eugene, I’m still in the habit of
stars embedded in their heads, not going to Asian markets when I need a certain
sure I want to either, but it would be kind of stimulation. Today these snow pea crisps
impressive for sure. The best place & shrimp chips seemed amusing. The packet of
to keep them is in your junk drawer shrimp chips has a great late 50s graphic design
in the kitchen, with the screwdriver, style to it which makes them seem like some kind
batteries, ketchup packets & cell of secret historical object, & they were quite tasty.
phone chargers. The boys gobbled them up, safe in their ignorance
of what they were eating.
TANUKI
SURFER HAT
I can hear them now, “Sean, why you always The Tanuki is a giant bollocked Japanese folk character. He
gotta obsess over this Nazi stuff? What’s wrong is based on this vulgar animal called a “raccoon dog” & is
with you?” “Hey, I gotta be me.” I learned that the patron character of inns & the like. Not unlike myself, he
from a Black, Jewish fella named Sammy Davis is a huge bollocked, drunkard & trickster, dragging around
Jr. Anyhow, back in the 60s, the surfers took on a jug of wine. After a night of over consumption, the Tanuki
the trappings of the bikers which included these pays his tab with leaves which he has enchanted to look like
German helmets which were used in WWI & WWII real money, but the next day, the inn-keeper will find his hard
& Iron Crosses. Genius & cultural hero Ed “Big earned money scattering in the breeze as a bunch of dried
Daddy” Roth started selling kids plastic “surfer up leaves. There is a wonderful & enormous Tanuki statue
hats” & “surfer’s crosses”. You can still buy plas- outside of the Beni-Hana in the Japantown mall in San Fran-
tic German helmets from costume shops. cisco & it is good luck to rub his balls. I do it every time.
HAND GRENADE - FRAGMENTARY
CHEECH WIZARD by Vaughn Bodé
People are always jabbering about the “free market” but hey, I figured out who Vaughn Bodé was in the mid-90s after pe-
have you ever tried to just go & buy a hand grenade in the ripherally knowing his work but never figuring out who did it &
USA? You can’t! They’re illegal. They got it all locked down where it came from. My mind was blown. Like everything good
man, you can make money how they say you can, everything & from the 70s, Vaughn Bodé’s work is profoundly not politi-
else they got locked up & they keep illegal. There are plenty cally correct. His comics are baudy & uncouth, but full of a love
of new financial horizons out there, but they’re all heavily for life & cynical wisdom that is absurdly absent from today’s
guarded. It’s in the places where the free market frontier has world. Bodé was a spiritual seeker, which led to his untimely
opened that hand grenades appear. Like Malcolm McLaren demise. He is survived by his son Mark (after “marker”!), who
said, “Cash from chaos.” or like the Masons say, “Ordo ab draws in the family style & has lived in Oakland off & on. I
chao.” That said, it seems like every household would do well actually discovered Vaughn through Mark’s comics (he drew a
with a box of hand grenades. couple issues of TMNT) which Vaughn would’ve liked.
EGG CREAMS - THE EPITOME OF STREET & SWEET

EGG CREAMS Egg Cream sodas speak to my soul which is crazy for tradition & meaning & depth. The
Egg Cream is a chocolate soda made with whole milk instead of ice cream. It’s very
THE EPITOME OF STREET & SWEET light & refreshing & screams NYC at me, which is what I want all the time. Pictured at
the left are the New York Dolls (street & sweet to the max) in front of New York’s famous
Gem Spa newsstand, birthplace of the Dolls & home of David Johansen’s favorite Egg
Cream. “That was the crossroads of the East Village - the home of the egg cream. People
would walk by, have an egg cream, talk. Me, Johnny & Arthur noticed each other there
and started talking.” -Johansen. Lou Reed (street & sweet) even wrote a song about Egg
Creams. In the future, when we’re living on space ships lifetimes away from Earth, Rock
& Rollers devoted to the cult of New York City & all of its cool traditions will be drinking
egg creams & talking about Johnny Thunders & who makes the best slice of pizza!

MAKE YOUR OWN! MAKE THEM FOR YOUR FRIENDS!

Take a cold pint glass & fill it one inch deep with chocolate syrup. David Johansen says to use Bosco
syrup. I used Hershey’s. Add another inch of whole milk on top of that. Then, put in a long spoon &
fill the rest of the glass up with seltzer water, pouring the seltzer onto the spoon as you stir until the
Fruchtig Juden von der Straße. glass is full & the drink is mixed. Relax, drink with a straw.
 TOP 10 BURGER SONGS.
1. I Like Food by the Descendents
2. Burger Baby by Gravy Train!!!
3. Two Triple Cheese Side Order
of Fries by Commander Cody
4. Anarchy Burger by the Vandals
5. Oh Oh, I Love Her So by the Ramones
6. Corporate Death Burger by MDC
7. White Castle at 3 AM by ISM
8. Beyonce at Burger King by Cazwell
9. Cheeseburger & Fries by King
Lollipop
10. Burger Pattern by the Fat Boys
BONUS: The Humpty Dance by
Digital Underground

BURGERS AND NAILS TUMBLR

It is what it is maaaaan. Burgers
& Nails Tumblr... girls submit
photos of their done up nails
clawing at big ass hamburgers in
an endless stream of burgers &
nails. To show their nails off, the
girls kinda have to spread their
fingers out all over the burgers
so it looks kind of crazy. Just
take a look at it!
nailburgerlar.tumblr.com

BURGER WALKMAN
This will make you look a dif-
ferent kind of stupid from the
ubiquitous white cords & dumb
hands-free cell-phone ear bud
things that adorn so many peo-
ple’s ears these days. Definitely
better than stretched plug holes
for sure. Burger King released
the Burger Walkman back in the
day & now it is a coveted item for
all Burger Cultists.

J. WELLINGTON WIMPY
Wimpy is the famous mooching
side-kick of Popeye’s that will
“Gladly pay you Tuesday for a
hamburger today.” My favorite
appearance of Wimpy is in the
Popeye cartoon “Sindbad the
Sailor” where they land on Skull
Island & Wimpy spots a duck
& says, “Luncheon” & proceeds
to waddle after him with a
meat grinder. There is also a
UK burger chain called Wimpy
Burger. Why Popeye is associated
with fried chicken in the USA I
have no idea.

BURGER VACUUM
I could see Burger Records need-
ing one of these, and probably
all the burger joints need them
too, instead of a high-quality
vacuum cleaner, they should get
crappy novelty burger vacuums
that barely work but give you a
chuckle every time you look at
them. Lamingestly, this Burger
Vacuum isn’t even a Roomba
which would be pretty hilarious.
Maybe next time.

BURGER MEMORY STICK

If you do anything in the real
world you probably need a mem-
ory stick & a burger memory
stick is a great way to show the
world your burgery disposition.
They also make hot dog, pizza,
sushi & donut memory sticks in
case you need a variety. Go crazy.

BURGER BONUS: Watch Cyndi

Lauper’s video for “She Bop”
for great futuristic burger stop
innuendo!
 burger and says “THIS TASTES SO FUCKING GOOD!” because for most of the
movie she’s been hanging out with weight-conscious mean girls. That’s the mo-
ment you’re supposed to cheer; she’s rejecting starving herself and that’s awe-
some. Obviously, I get it. But I wish women didn’t feel like they had to blindly ride
the “man-food” train, like I did, to have that triumphant moment or to get that
laugh. Because the truth is, eating factory farmed meat is really fucking crazy.
It’s not actually an empowering, funny, or liberating action. If we were all able to
see what goes on in meat production and what we are really eating (the ground
up dogs that are fed to cows, the massive amounts of actual shit, the body of a
pig who was mutilated alive by the same kind of hyper-violent “jock” types that
we think we’re distancing ourselves from by playing music/making art) we would
find real empowerment in saying no to it.

SEAN: I felt like Gravy Train!!!! were a counterpoint to the anti-fun, super-
serious, PC 90s Punk scene , where everything had heavy political overtones,
especially in the Bay Area. Going to shows frequently felt like you were getting
lectured at by ethnic, gender or environmental studies majors (probably were
actually!). In some ways, being food positive was even more of a big deal than
being sex positive with Gravy Train!!!!. Like, you were burger evangelists.

Heather Jewett, aka CHUNX of Gravy Train!!!!, embodied HEATHER: Totally. And the sex stuff was exaggerated, at least for me, but the
a freedom from the oppressive confines of the “we’re saving the food stuff wasn’t at all! I really did eat fast food three times a day when I could.
world” elements of the Punk scene that were always around my I felt alienated by the super-political tone of the 90s too, because I did zines
neck in the 90s. It was incredibly liberating to be able to just appre- back then, and I didn’t get along with the super-serious people that got offended
ciate things like burgers without always having some kind of mis- easily. I mostly focused on fun, humor, and silliness instead of politics and I got
anthropic creature explaining why I should be depressed about it. called out for it by some people. I think they thought I was stupid, and I thought I
Time has passed & things have changed a lot. As soon as I found out might be too! But I just wasn’t cut out for activism in the traditional sense. When
we started Gravy Train!!!!, though, I thought it would be cool to encourage
Heather had gone vegan, I knew something interesting was happen-
people to rebel against diet culture that had always made me feel terrible about
ing. myself, and also things like veganism that at the time only symbolized restric-
tion, judgment and people who hated fun and would never EVER like me. In our
SEAN: You mentioned this book “Eating Animals” a couple times recently & from
songs I wanted to celebrate the person who happily eats something fattening
this I surmised that you had gone at least vegetarian. Tell me all about it.
instead of ordering a salad that he/she does not actually want to eat, because
maybe not everyone thinks being skinny is the only way to be. I wanted our fans
HEATHER: My boyfriend had a cat named Buster who moved in with me. Buster
to stop being apologetic about their food choices, and to enjoy life instead. It
was basically the most amazing animal. He had one eye, no tail, and he was a
turned into me aggressively eating badly and trying to gain weight to look hotter.
surly senior. He had been mean for many years because he had been abused
So, it did become political in a weird and backwards way, and the burger was
and put in a microwave by his old owners. But he was a total sweetheart by the
time I met him, and before long we were best buds. He passed away from kidney like the ultimate symbol of “FUCK YOU!” to diet culture and food police.
failure last year, and I was devastated. The night it happened I went to this diner It’s also nostalgic and cute and makes a good logo. I didn’t learn until years
to go eat my feelings, then I went to the bookstore all bloated with ice cream and later that that particular symbol is not something I want to promote. I’m happy if
saw Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. I picked it up, not knowing any- Gravy Train!!!! had a positive effect in anyone in any way, and I stand by my anti-
thing about it, and got completely sucked in. I bought it and read the whole thing diet politics. But that and blindly championing meat don’t have to go together,
in a day or two. I had eaten meat for years, proudly, and promoted it through and shouldn’t.
Gravy Train!!!!, but when I read this book it was like something clicked in
me. It really gets to the heart of what eating an animal is, and what it means. I SEAN: So it’s 2011 now & those of us who are on the cutting edge have been
had never thought about those things before. Maybe it was the vulnerable state I discovering new things & moving on to new ideas & forms, while those slower
was in, partially, but the book made me realize there was no difference between to pick up on stuff are adopting the trends from the last 10 years as if they were
Buster, this incredible individual with his own personality who I had loved, and new, I’ve felt that the combination of ironic distance & deliberate bad taste have
the horrifically abused factory farmed animals I ate and didn’t think twice about. been running their course for a while & there’s going to be some kind of incredi-
It was like I had discovered some amazing secret, and I knew my life was about bly deliberate & sincere push towards something, partially as young people look
to change. Not to sound too new agey but I really did feel spiritually awakened to establish themselves in this falling apart country. You, the burger flag waver
and enlightened in a way that I had never experienced. I knew I couldn’t eat going vegetarian is weirdly symbolic of this for me.
animals anymore and went vegan.
HEATHER: What it comes down to is as simple as allowing yourself to listen to
SEAN: Vegetarianism can totally be part of a spiritual awakening, to the value what your true values are. On tour with Gravy Train!!!!, we’d drive past the
of life, the value of experience, etc. I think I went vegetarian when I was 15 or slaughterhouse on the 5 and look at and smell the hundreds of cows cramped
16, partially because it was part of the Anarcho Punk thing that I was involved together off the highway. I’d feel upset for 10 seconds, and then shelve it away
in, but also because I have really strong empathy & at the time it was unfocused and force myself to make a disconnect between that gruesome scene and the
& could easily be swayed certain directions. I bought this book about animal In-N-Out burger I happily ate at the next stop. Someone would say, “that’s so
vivisection at Bound Together Books on Haight Street & read it on BART going sad” and I’d be like “yeah” but then I’d go “BUT IT AIN’T SO SAD WHEN IT’S ON
back to Oakland & it totally freaked me out. The book was mostly pictures, & in MY DINNA PLATE BETWEEN 2 BUNZ!” or some other sassily-said sitcom one-
that unguarded state, I became at least superficially interested in animal rights. liner that I tried to make myself believe. That brief awful sadness that I forced to
At the same time, the Ramones were my favorite band & I felt like I was betraying shut down - and the guilt over feeling somewhat responsible - were my real, true
their basic concept by not eating burgers. values coming through, but I wasn’t ready to listen to them at the time. I’ve be-
come so bored by ironic distance and aggressive “not giving a fuck.” There’s no
HEATHER: YES. This is something that’s affected me a lot. Rock’n’roll is one
heart in it, no challenge anymore. The
of my favorite things on earth, but it definitely has its own set of rules. Like,
hard thing to do now is to care about
some of my friends say they could never go vegan not only because they don’t
something and not feel embarrassed
want to change their lifestyle, but because it would betray the fun-loving, self-
about it. So I do think, naturally and
indulgent attitude that makes up a big part of their identity, music, and social
hopefully soon, there will be a return
circle. I totally understand why it doesn’t appeal to them, because I used to
to sincerity and earnestness, ideally
be the same way; to me vegans not at the price of humor, but existing
were just killjoys who took with it! Can you imagine if every meat-
loving, Vice-obsessed, ironic racist in
things too seriously, and a buzz band watched Earthlings (an
I’d rather have had David incredible movie about animal exploi-
Lee Roth as my personal tation available on youtube), started
crying, and suddenly realized they had
messiah than, like… Ani to go visit a farm sanctuary and hang
diFranco or whoever I (wrongly) out with pigs just to be able to fucking
associated with vegans back then. deal with the weight of their life? And
Another area I see this attitude in is then the songs and the jokes and the
comedy. I’m getting into improv here blogs were written with THAT aware-
in LA, and I’ve worried that being so ness? Now that would be some radical
serious about animal issues will work next-level shit. It’s my dream, it’s the
against me as a “funny” personal- thing I fantasize about when I’m going
ity. Because eating meat, burgers, to sleep at night. And I’m not afraid
junk food, etc. has become a way for to admit that, because I believe it will
Americans to demonstrate their levity, happen. And because giving a fuck is
and their liberation from yuppie health the new not giving a fuck!
food nazi-ism. You hear it a lot from
men, who talk about bacon like they’re Heather Jewett is doing com-
fighting years of oppression by eating edy & working on a book with
it without guilt. But a lot of women I Jonny Makeup. Find her on twit-
admire partake in it too. In this movie
ter @hurrrjurrr
I love called “Spring Breakdown”,
there’s a scene at the end—spoiler
alert--where Amy Poehler bites into a
 Janelle Hessig aka Janelle Blarg
aka “The Real Janelle” does Tales
of Blarg zine, is an artist & East
Bay Punk scene fixture & has
been doing cartoons & video stuff
for bands like Gravy Train!!!! &
Hunx & His Punx & the 7” cover
L!
REA
for Midnite Snaxxx! Most recently
of note, she curated the Maximum
RocknRoll Punk Comics issue,
from which I was cut! Find her at
www.gimmeaction.com
Dulcinea Tina
Renee

MIDNITE SNAXXX are a sassy new Rock & Roll group of brassy broads out of
the Bay Area doing the Power Pop Punk Bubblegum Garage thing that we dig.
SEAN: I’m not mad about being cut from the MRR
Punk Comics issue anymore, I have my own magazine
SEAN: So how did Midnite Snaxxx come around?
so it’s cool. That issue sold out right? I feel like car-
tooning & Rock & Roll, Punk or otherwise are closely
Dulcinea: We all started in another band called the Primitivas with our friend Shannon,
related & that maybe a lot of people don’t get that.
but the band kind of fizzled. I had started writing a bunch of songs that didn’t really fit
with the Primitivas, so we started a whole new thing…and it just stuck.
JANELLE: Cutting is punk, right? I guess it’s more
Goth. That’s like the backstory of every successful
TINA: YA WHAT DULCE SAYS!!! 1ST PRIMITIVAS THEN THE SNAXXX GOT SNACKEY!!!
project - rejected from one thing, start new, cooler
thing instead. I wish that I could have had more space
SEAN: You’ve got a 7” out, what’s next?
and more time to make my ideal punk comics collec-
tion, but it was really cool that MRR wanted to do it
Dulcinea: We have our second single coming out in just a few days on Total Punk Re-
because I will probably never have the funds to do
cords called Guy Like That/Jackie. We also recorded a full length that will be out on Red
anything like that on my own. Punk and comics share
Lounge Records towards the end of Summer. In the meantime, we are trying to have fun,
a lot of similar themes: juvenile escapism, societal
play a bunch of shows, and we have Goner Fest to look forward to…
outcasts, general freakiness, art shit. Comics are more solitary, like it’s just you and the page
and the world that exists between the page and your brain. There’s more collaboration in Punk -
TINA: YA WHAT SHE SAYS!! THEN A HALLOWEEN 7” ON LIPSTICK !!! WITH A SPECIAL
shows, bands, zines, you might even get laid. I’ve never heard of anyone getting laid at a comics
SPOOKY COVER (HOPEFULLY)!
convention. Maybe steampunks get sex for having the best timepiece & top hat combo, I don’t
know, but not any regular cartoonists that I know about.

SEAN: You are “The Real Janelle”, how does this relate to the “Real Roxanne”?

JANELLE: Instead of the typical ‘dude writes pop song about girl’, Bratmobile thought it was
cooler for girls to write songs about other girls. So they wrote an answer song to the ‘Janelle’
song that Ben Weasel wrote/Born Against recorded. I guess that makes Born Against UTFO and
Bratmobile Roxanne Shante? This was in 1994. Maybe I will stop hearing about it in 2024. 2054?
Will it be on my tombstone?!

SEAN: That would be a tight tombstone. So a

while back you got bit by the animation bug &
I think I saw some of the initial fruits of that on
the Down At Lulu’s website, your Snack Lagoon
cartoon & then on Hunx & his Punx’ videos for
Gimmie Gimmie Back Your Love & Good Kisser.
SEAN: What are some of your favorite bands around right now? What other stuff do you have in the pipes &
what do you wanna do with your animationing?
Renee: Nobunny, Personal and the Pizzas, Hank IV, Nothing People, Wrong Words and
lots more. All our friends are doing great things. JANELLE: I’d like to make some more music
videos starring fat Manson girls and secret
Dulcinea: Yeah, we are lucky cos there’s plenty of great things going on. My fav is get- worlds that exist inside of a tin can at the
ting wasted and watching Apache, ahahahaha. Also, locally we dig the Outdoorsmen, junkyard. I mostly like to work with traditional
Rantouls, Little Queenie, Shrouds, Mantles….
animation media - hand drawing, paper cut-outs, stop motion, with a little bit of live action or new
school compositing occasionally thrown in the mix. If anyone wants to start a punk animation
TINA: RIGHT NOW??? THE DICTATORS, IRON MAIDEN, RAMONES, REAL KIDS,
DWIGHT TWILLEY, FRANKIE STEIN AND HIS GHOULS, CHEAP TRICK , KREAY- studio in the Bay Area -- call me!
SHAWN!!!!!!
SEAN: You were in this Four Mexicans & A White Girl art
SEAN: Ideal midnight snacks. show with Gabby Gamboa, how did that go?

Renee: Oreo cookies, tacos, pork rinds, milkshakes, and cheeseburgers. JANELLE: It was cool. The show was set up by Jaime
Crespo, who I love. He was a skater and a surfer and he
Dulcinea: Burritos, tacos, pizza, whatever is hanging on the wall at the Avenue Bar in worked at hotels in the Tenderloin in the 80’s and I’ve
Oakland. liked his comics for a long time, so when he asked me to
be in the show, I was honored. It was basically my first
TINA: SOUR CREAM AND CHIPS , CHEESE PLATES WITH QUINCE PASTE, FINE WINES, show and I thought that I would hate it because of the
BACON , SALAMI, COOKIES (MANY KINDS, MOTHERS TAFFY), SPUMONI ICECREAM, formality involved but it was actually really fun. Plus, the
BANANA CREAM PIE, MAPLE BARS WITH BACON ON IT FROM Vxxxxx Dxxxxx, GRILLED snacks were stellar. I’m going to do another show at the
CHEESE SANDWICH WITH KRAFT AMERICAN SLICES, COOL WHIP FROZEN, STRAW- 1-2-3-4 GO record store in Oakland for their anniversary
BERRIES, AND SMALL CHILDREN WITH CUTE LIL TOES TO GNAW OFF, CRUNCH shebang this month. It should be a lot cooler because
CRUNCH CRUNCH!!!!! I know more about what I want to do. Also, it’s for my people and it’s not censored so I know
people will ‘get it’ and I can paint all the wangs and boobies I want.
SEAN: Holy crap Tina, how many bands have you been in?
SEAN: Are you in any bands right now?
TINA: OHHHH........ BOUT A HUNNNDRED!!!
JANELLE: All of my bands in recent times fall
SEAN: Tell me about stealing burritos. apart as soon as we write two songs or pick a
band name or sober up. My wrists are pretty
Renee: I’ve never done it myself but I’m sure they taste better then paying for them shot for drums now anyway. I’m learning to
yourself. play guitar from youtube so that I can write
my own songs and don’t have to worry about
Dulcinea: Dude. I’ll let Tina tell the story. finding a band any more. I miss touring, so
look for me on a corner with a tin can in your
TINA: HAHAHHA!!! I WAS WASTED AT A PARTY IN OAKLAND ME AND MY FRIEND town soon.
LASSANDRA SAW THIS BAG WITH A BURRITO AND SOME CHIPS WE WERE HUNGRY IT
WAS IN THE KITCHEN WE STARTED EATING THE CHIPS THEN I WAS WHAT THE HELL SEAN: The newest issue of Tales of Blarg! sold out also, When do we get some new Janelle
IM GOING ALL THE WAYYYY MANNNN!!!! I GOT FOLLOWED OUT OF THE PARTY AND products?
THEY ACCUSED ME AND SHANNON(FROM SHANNON AND THE CLAMS)(OF COURSE
THE CHUBBY ONES!!!) AND ME FOR EATING THE BURRITO THEY WERE PISSED!! I WAS JANELLE: I’m always working on something, but a new Tales Of Blarg is definitely overdue. The
ALL NO WAY I DIDN’T EAT YER SHITTY BURRITO HAHA!!! I TURNED AROUND GIG- first one came out in 1990 & there’s been 9 issues. Sparkplug is going to publish a book that will
GLING OHH YES I DID!! be full of both old and new comics. A lot of the older stuff was never published. I finally stopped
working 10 jobs at once this week, so hopefully I will have time to make some very important doo-
doo jokes in the immediate future.
 at the hell is this? This
e whe n I was still living in Oakland. I was like, “Wh
NOBUNNY added me on mys pac k” from Roctober magazine &
t?” I was fam iliar with the concept of “Masked Roc MU-
guy in a rabbit mas k? Wha n. GREAT SONGS. I love GOOD
NY was frie nds with all the right people so I gave him a liste -dre nch ed livin g roo m of
NOBUN , drawing in the sun
Beach Boys almost exclusively Before
SIC, I grew up listening to the od is defi ned by the Wils on bro ther s.
by the rose garden. My childho in a couple
my parents’ house in Oakland ious that he cou ld writ e a great song about anything
on wen t cra zy, it was pre tty obv , exc ept that NO BUNNY
Brian Wils from NOBUNNY
but A HIT. I get the same feeling tely get
minutes. Not just a great song, Bria n Wilson. NOBUNNY writ es son gs that imm edia
ine (Oh io Exp ress ) than
is more like Joey Lev e the kids go nuts.
the crazy stage shows that mak
stuck in my head & then brings

but for me, it is

SEAN: People talk about the mask & the crazy show & stuff,
the songwriting. You write great songs.

NOBUNNY: Aww. Thank you.

you wrote a
SEAN: HUNX talks about his stuff being “Young Oldies” & since
bunch of his songs, is that what you’re going for, too? p zones to the minus worlds?
SEAN: Have you found the war
take a little
NOBUNNY: I just try to make music that I would like to hear.
Whenever some- a LOT of drugs. Now I usually just
and PUNK. NOBUNNY: Sort of. I’ve taken bad rein terp retation of a Mitch
music I like, I usually answer OLDIES my really pretty
one asks me what kind of drugs. Ba-dum-dum. That was Som e drugs
Cuz those are my two favorite types of music and they cover a lot of ground. gs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
Hedberg joke... “I used to do dru to som e neg ative
all kinds of music. From the beginn ing of es, and some can lead
The truth is that (cliche alert!) I like
DIBLY STRAN GE will take you to some warped zon
to modern top 40. Those INCRE
written and record ed sound
influen ce on me. worlds, I can tell you that.
MUSIC books and CDs that RE/SEARCH put out where a huge
Chicag o, was also a big influen ce on my pened Kwikway yet?
ROCTOBER, an excellent zine out of SEAN: Have you eaten at the reo
musical taste. Especially as far as diversity goes.
the Commander Cody “Two Triple Cheese”
play good oldies NOBUNNY: Not yet, but I watch
SEAN: I had this great idea for a new radio format that would video all the time!
Jagger z & stuff with the Ramon es & NOBUNNY &
like the Four Seasons & the
the original Gravy Train!!!!
the Dictato rs. SEAN: Commander Cody is like
The
NOBUNNY: If there is something that I learned from those “Songs NOBUNNY: BURGERMANIA!
Us” compil ations, is that it’s ALL RNR! R&B, Countr y, Novelty,
Cramps Taught “ISM” to the
Girl Groups, Blues, Glam, Rockabilly, Bubblegum, Garage , Psych, Soul, Pop, rently reflects the NOBUNNY
SEAN: What city in the USA cur
Doo-Wop, etc. If it’s good, it’s good! max?
ody is NO-
UNNY is everybody and everyb
NOBUNNY: Anytown USA. NOB NY is nothing
and there is NOBUNNY. NOBUN
BUNNY. There is NOBUNNY, her e. NO BUN NY is there.
inside. NOBUNNY is
special. We are all NOBUNNY here. Eve rbo dy kno ws it and
BUNNY is now
NOBUNNY is everywhere. NO
give up my secret identity.
NOBUNNY knows. Just don’t

one?
SEAN: Who is your favorite Ram
gwriter, but
DEE DEE cuz he’s the best son
NOBUNNY: I used to always say app are ntly was really
Teenager from Mars. He
JOEY RAMONE fer sure. Total h he cou ld hav e see n NO BUNNY.
s like me. I wis
messy just like me. And a mes
h? Have you seen a UFO?
SEAN: You’re from Arizona yea
from CHICAGO
NOWHERE! Though I did move
NOBUNNY: NOBUNNY is from NY ’s first 7 years
was born, so yeah. NOBUN
to near TUCSON right before I LAN D. And YES ! I’ve seen a
. I now live in OAK
as a band was based in Tucson eve !
I want to beli
bunch of UFOs on YOUTUBE! some kind of Geraldo?
SEAN: Hey waddayathink I am,
?
BUNNY CEREAL would be like and early
SEAN: Tell me about what NO Geraldo ruled? I worship late 80’s
NOBUNNY: Remember when alw ays fights,
, VANILLA extract, BRANDY &
SUGAR shows. Back before it was
NOBUNNY: DONUT HOLES, milk 90’s daytime trash tabloid TV talk to rule. Ger aldo , Dona-
ts, talk shows used
paternity cases, or infidelity figh late r Jer ry Spr inge r, Rikk i
living in outer space in what is
like a giant Sally Jessie, and
SEAN: It is the future & we are hue, Oprah, Morton Downy Jr, t stuf f: SA-
ami ng fans like in tell, etc. They always had the bes
space mall, NOBUNNY now play
s in mal l pav ilion s to scre Lake, Jenny Jones, Maury, Mon TRANS-
new ene rgy drink AKS , TEEN PROSTITUTES, PUNKS,
n up for weeks drinking this TANISTS, KKK, JUNKIES, FRE
that Tiffany video. You have bee sleazy and scary and stra nge .
you are the mascot of. You can
go North. SEXUALS, and everything else
n?!! I dunno & hair products do you use?
n you can GO SOUTH! Nawmea SEAN: What kind of toothpaste
NOBUNNY: Why go North whe EVE RYW HER E including
TIME and hope to go
though. I’ll go ANYWHERE ANY of BEA UTY and
THE FUTURE! Our tours are adv
entures in EXC ESS in sea rch NOBUNNY: Nothing but water.
gina borders. I
ry
res through time zones and ima
TRUTH and full of misadventu
just FOLLOW THE WHITE RAB
BIT. SEAN: DAMN.
 THE ORIGINAL DILLIGAF VANS & LACOSTE
When I was a little kid, my favorite shoes were
“I can’t judge any of you. I have no malice against Vans, red checkered, slip on Vans. My favor-
you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is ite shirts were Lacoste polo shirts (then Izod
high time that you all start looking at yourselves, Lacoste) in sky blue & peach. These days I can’t
and judging the lie that you live in” -Charles Man- afford Lacoste polo shirts, & if I want some
son. My teenage Punk band “The Masked Men” brand-name polo shirt I can get a Ben Sherman
had a song called “Charles Manson is a Hippie”. for almost half the price. Vans used to cost $12
We wrote it because we hated Hippies & Manson for a pair, & now they’re $30 give or take. Still
was always creeping around the edges of the pretty cheap for shoes. While polo shirts might
California scene, which was decidedly Hippie. have become associated with preppies, they
As time has passed I’ve come to understand that have always been surf to me. A pair of cut-offs,
Hippie is a huge thing & that while I still throw it some Vans & an unbuttoned polo shirt signifies
around as an insult, Hippie isn’t what they think the laid-back California that is now long gone.
it is & it is just a variant on the Rock & Roller. -SÄ
Manson is of course his own deal, The Original
DILLIGAF. -SÄ

AMY WINEHOUSE HEY IS DEE DEE HOME? by LECH KOWALSKI

“Somebody calls me on the phone. They say
I guess I’m a little hungry for the second coming hey hey is Dee Dee home?” Man, I was mad
of Ronnie Spector or anyone fitting the bill. That when Dee Dee Ramone died. I thought it was
is, pop vocalist who is alive with the American so lame that he died at that age of a heroin
traditions of pop culture & didn’t just mainline overdose. If he had made it that far without dy-
the distilled essences of Madonna & Paula ing, it seemed like there was no reason for him
Abdul. There hasn’t been a lot since the 60s to die prematurely. Joey & Johnny being taken
that fits into that mold... Amy Winehouse was by cancer kinda made sense in a weird way,
current enough to be popular but is stylistically but Dee Dee shoulda died young or lived forev-
timeless. I am also not secretly very concerned er like William Burroughs. Anyhow, this movie
for her well-being. Other pop stars who have is a must for Dee Dee Ramone fans, which I
fallen off the cliff I haven’t really cared about, but am. I guess the interview was conducted for
something about the plight of Winehouse really a Johnny Thunders movie, but then Dee Dee
gets to me. She is a profound talent with big hair died so they hastily threw this together, but
who needs to take care of herself! Who the hell is whatever man, it was fun to spend the quality
her manager? -SÄ time with Dee Dee. RIP. -SÄ

ATOMIC FIREBALLS by FERRARA PAN

Because we won WWII, we are allowed to have

candy called the Atomic Fire Ball. I wonder if they
sell these in Japan? These are akin to Germany
manufacturing an energy drink called “Concen-
tration Camp”, but Germany lost the war & can’t
publicly display its defeated symbology. Don’t
get me wrong, I think candy is the perfect place
to reference terrifying & taboo concepts. Candy
& cartoons & comedy are the places where we
should be able to dip into those uncomfortable
worlds of people being vaporized & left as shad-
ows on the wall. Ferrara Pan had the best packag-
ing for a while there, their little box candies were
beautiful objects & it was fresh to buy all of them
& line them up. -SÄ

BWANA SPOONS M5 BRAVO & STEE-GAR by JEFF LAMM

When we first started going to shows like APE & Jeff Lamm is a rad Weirdo Artist who does
the Portland Zine Symposium, Bwana Spoons was fliers for Thee Parkside & a bunch of other
always the standout, the guy with the most unique cool stuff. His art combines Rothian Weirdo
product & presentation. Bwana Spoons was a game styles with 60s Japanese monster manga
changer for GOBLINKO, it was like we were living in (Go Nagai) which is then flavored with 80s
the suburbs in the 50s & he was acid. WOW MAN, Punk. It’s a great mix & it serves up the cor-
WE GOT ZONKED. Back then he was doing his rect moods & attitudes for your rock & roll
zines “Ain’t Nothin’ Like Fuckin’ Moonshine”, “My show. M5 BRAVO & STEE-GAR are some
Friend the Micronaut” & “Soft Smooth Brain” along new vinyl toys of Krazy Kaiju Karakters
with his art. As time has passed he’s made a bigger by Jeff, released by Monster Worship. He
magazine “Pencil Fight”, opened up a gallery/store also has this character GREASEBAT, that is
Grass Hut (currently located inside of Floating World available as a vinyl toy & also he did some
Comics in Portland), created lots of crazy toys & way rad masks of him. Check it. greasebat.
generally established himself as a world unto himself, com -SÄ
plus, besides my dad, he’s the only person allowed to
have a beard & glasses. grasshutcorp.com -SÄ

KILLED BY DEATH THE OHIO EXPRESS KISS COVERS RAMONES

Killed By Death should be a total I’ve said before that to understand I heard KISS covering “Rock & Roll
“no duh”. KBD reissued all sorts of anything we’re doing, you’ve gotta un- Radio” by the Ramones the other day
& I got the most overwhelming case of
obscure Punk tunes from the early derstand Warhol. Similarly, you need the full-body chills I’ve ever experienced.
days when the style was wide open & to understand the Ohio Express if It’s not even “that right”, but just the idea
all sorts of weird shit was being tried you’re going to understand where I’m of it got me. The track appears on the
out. I bought KBD #13 when I was a coming from in terms of pop music. “We’re A Happy Family - A Tribute To
kid which was all obscure Bay Area The greatness of the Ohio Express is The Ramones” record, which I read a
review of in ROCTOBER. I remember
bands & the Screamers, which is why that they have both Garage rawness saying to myself, “Who gives a shit about
I bought it. Killed By Death #1-4 are AND studio polish. It is PURE POP, un- other bands covering the Ramones?”
probably the best The whole series afraid to use all of the tricks developed Most bands can only fuck up the Ra-
opens up with “I Hate Music” by the by the Beach Boys & the Beatles & the mones. However, if it was the Ramones
Mad which sets the tone perfectly. Spector & Joey Levine has the vest covered by the Beach Boys or the 4
Seasons or the Shangri-Las... damn, I
kbdrecords.com -SÄ voice besides Frankie Valli. -SÄ need to stop thinking about this. -SÄ
CUTE LEPERS - ADVENTURE DANNY JAMES & PEAR
TIME Danny James is the former keyboard-
Seattle’s Cute Lepers are great Punky ist/vocalist for Oakland’s the Cuts &
Power Pop that are well packaged my youngest brother. His new band
& well played & well everything. The Danny James & Pear has a tape com-
Cute Leper’s live show & videos ing out on Burger Records any day
convey the real qualities of the band, now. Danny’s songs are melody heavy
which are full on show business emotional roller-coasters coming from
entertainment, while this record falls the same American pastiche as this
short on the song writing. They have a magazine. Blue-eyed Soul with a pop
cartoonish rebellious quality to them veneer barely concealing the palpitat-
that’s ace in my book. -SÄ ing insanity of America in decline. -SÄ
PICKLES MADE IN INDIA I WAS A TEENAGE MONSTER
Inoticedat some point that pretty much all of the big
picklebrands were being made in India. It’s 2011, it’s When I was a teenager I wanted nuclear war to
notlikeIexpect ANYTHING to be made in the USA happen so the world would be reverted to a ru-
anymore. After all, who wants to grow up & be a cu- ral utopia. Then I met other people who wanted
cumberfarmer, or a pickle packer? It’s much better to the same thing & realized they were hippies & I
beanovereducated 28 year old living with your parents wanted to kill them. Bay Area weirdo culture got
workingpart time slinging espresso amirite? But here’s distilled into Burning Man & became the antith-
thedeal,we can mourn the lack of large-scale Ameri- esis of everything good in the world. Portland
canpickles, or one of you can start your own pickle turned into this deliberate world of 90s culture
company, build it up, pay off a think tank to drum up & I realized that you have to be real careful what
somekind of “lead found in Indian pickles” story & have
you wish for because bicycles, vegan sand-
yourown American pickle empire so we can have
wiches & microbrew do not a culture make.
somenationalistic fervor over our pickles, which are
traditional & evoke so many memories. That said, I’m Or at least, it makes me want to become a were-
interested in trying some Indian pickles that are being wolf & tear people’s throats out. -SÄ
soldas“Indian style pickles”, not as “The Northwest’s
Traditional Taste Since 1912” or whatever. -SÄ

LINDA VAUGHN
PALISADES PARK by FREDDY CANNON
Linda Vaughn was a fixture at 60s drag shows,
I’m obsessed with all of the old amusement
but what I care about is her big... hair! Look how
parks that have closed down, Coney Island
BIG her HAIR is! You can have big hair or hair
is my Shangri-La. Then there are all of the
like Nico. Short hair is so 90s. Do you wanna be
other parks that have closed down; Idora
all 90s? Stretched ear-holes & hairy legs? Linda
Park in Oakland, Playland at the Beach in San
Vaughn is like a more manageable Dolly Parton,
Francisco, Jantzen Beach in Portland, Luna
dialed down a bit, but also sexier. -SÄ
Park, Dreamland & Steeplechase Park in NYC
TERRORVISION
& countless others. I haven’t been to any of
A satellite dish on the fritz beams down a hungry
these amusement parks so how do I know that
alien monster into a suburban home! Will the
they were so great? They were worth writing
swinger parents or grandpa know what to do?
songs about. Palisades Park by Freddy Cannon
Will it be up to the punky teen daughter, her
is a great example of this, the song makes me
hard rockin’ boyfriend and plucky little brother
desperate to go to Palisades Park. “We ate and
to tame the monster and befriend him with junk
ate at a hot dog stand. We danced around to a
food? This awesome, intentionally B 80s movie
rockin’ band, and when I could, I gave that girl
that looks like it had the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse
a hug, In the tunnel of love!” SOLD! -SÄ
production team behind it. -KÄ

DR. WHO ROBERT CRUMB

We both tried to watch the original Doctor Who Robert Crumb is one of the best cartoonists
series as kids and didn’t really understand ever, period. I wont argue with that, & he has
it. Then they came out with the 21st century been a big influence on me in terms of some old-
version and I ignored it because people who like fashioned cartooning techniques & some new-
later Star Trek shows and novels written by Neil fangled unleashing of the id, ego & super-ego,
Gaiman were recommending it. Now that we damn the consequences. HOWEVER, the pencil-
have Netflix streaming, I’m willing to give almost necked geek has a bad attitude & every time he
any show a try, so we started watching it.... and opens his mouth, I wanna bust his glasses. Such
I’m completely hooked. We’ve watched through a grouchy curmudgeon!!! And he’s just into that
season 3 of the new series, and it’s great. Tight old-time rooti-tooti music, & probably wants to
writing, interesting plots, not-hole-filled time live in Alabama circa 1890! I’m gonna throw him
travel storylines, and bad computer effects. Too & his Arhoolie Records catalog out the window!
many episodes center on “saving the world” or He’s done enough self-reflection to know his
“saving the universe”, so that device gets a little faults, which he points out in his comics, but then
boring, but I’m going to keep watching. I’ll let you instead of working on himself or the country, he
know if the next 3 seasons hold up -KÄ moved to France & kept on drawing. -SÄ

SHAWN DICKINSON MICROCOSM PUBLISHING

Shawn Dickinson is a great Weirdo Artist out of When Portland became the center of zines, I no-
Southern California. I was sold on his work by his ticed that all the zines started to look & read the
character “Rocky Arachnoid” who immediately same. This would be one thing if that “same” was
reminded me of the out of control spider char- an aesthetic I liked, & I would still be bored by it
acters in old Fleischer cartoons who have a real & gripe, but at least they would be something to
visceral weirdness to them. Shawn’s work smells look at. No, something happened in the late 90s,
heavily of those crazy old cartoons & of the which was a move towards a sort of castrated,
newer servants of that distorted world like John twee Cometbus style, replacing the cigarettes &
K., all in the service of cool old American culture coffee with weird nouveau-hippie Portland things
like hot rodding, surfing & Rock & Roll. & a totally boring sanctimonious post-Boomer
shawn-dickinson.blogspot.com -SÄ revolution self-involved decadence. Combined
with all the new “comic a day” comics by people
who led boring lives & a celebration of totally
mundane bullshit, all dulled by the prevelance
of new psych meds & then concentrated in the
Microcosm Catalog. -SÄ

HUNX & HIS PUNX, SHANNON PEACH KELLI POP

& THE CLAMS & GUANTANAMO Man, sometimes I wish I was 13 again
BAYWATCH @ DOUG FIR 6-28-11 & g irls held some kind of mystery
What a fantastic lineup! No one over my brain. Girls are great for
disappointed. Guantanamo Baywatch sure, but they were GREATER in
play great surf music & have a lot my imagination. Peach Kelli Pop is
of character. Shannon & the Clams an ideal candidate for a girl band to
are GREAT live, I imagined myself obsess over, but now I have to judge
watching them at a county fair or at
the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. them on criteria like song writing &
Hunx & his Punx were fantastic! Hunx sound & all that. This record opens
is absurdly entertaining & this was the up with “Do the Eggroll”, which has a
last show with this particular lineup of great video as well, & dance crazes
his Punx as Amy & Melissa are leaving are #1 in my book. It’s Young Oldies,
the group. Doug Fir is kind of a weird it’s cute, it’s Canadian, named after a
venue... very uptight feeling! -SÄ Redd Kross tune. -SÄ

THE UNDERLINGS BELLYBUTTON THE BLIMP

Eugene’s Power Pop outfit The Bellybutton were an all-girl Japanese Eugene’s The Blimp just released an
Underlings went into Portland’s garage rock band from a few years EP on Violet Times records. If you’re
Smegma Studios to record material ago that I can’t find much about except into tripped out Beefhearty weird-
for a new album. Determined to be that they had a 7” released by Ken ness, the Blimp are for you. I just saw
fueled by actual greasy spoon diner Rock in 2007. That’s okay, because my them play while showing frontman
food without vegan waffles or beard & central reason for sharing them with Lucas Gunn’s very weird “zombie”
glasses hipsters, the Underlings faith-
you is they have big hair, stripey shirts (for lack of a better word) movie
fully represent the vanishing American
& play garage rock. -SÄ Petertag. The band wears weird clear
working class, not with fake English Oi!
music, but with tuneful Pop Rock that masks while they play & have some
would be at home selling Budweiser or involved mythology building up around
playing company picnics. I wanna hot themselves. PORKETTE Miranda plays
dog! -SÄ keyboards for them as well. -SÄ
 asked the same question. I gave up in frustration and insisted that I meant no harm and that
A Tour of he shouldn’t be so paranoid. I guess when guys like me show up taking pictures, it’s a red flag
for real estate speculation. There goes the neighborhood.

New York Pork

Stores
by Erik den Breejen

Erik den Breejen is an artist & musician

from Piedmont, CA currently living in
NYC. He has done much school, bands &
art shows. I have been friends with Erik
since we were 3 years old. -s.

Most people are familiar with the concept of a butcher. Even if only ever witnessed as a
department in a supermarket, it is not difficult to imagine that a butcher could be an autono-
mous entity with its own address. But a PORK STORE? Is this a butcher solely dedicated
to that sweetest of meats? Well, yes, and no, as I was to find out on my tour of Brooklyn’s
specialty meat markets.

My journey began in the Italian section of Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Emily’s is one of the first
PORK stores I ever saw after moving here over ten years ago. I think it’s the combination of My next stop was in Carroll Gardens, where I encountered the celebrated cartoon pig statue
long “o” sounds that makes it such a fun type of business to say out loud. Not “PORK butch- outside of G. Esposito and Sons. Here, the pork master was more acquainted with the
er,” “PORK shop,” or “PORK market.” No - a PORK STORE, like a candy store or a toy store. photogenic charms of his establishment, introducing the fiberglass swine as pork E. Pig,
Next, I ventured a little northeast into Queens to document the less common German PORK and claiming his pork store to be The Best (they did have some delicious free samples to
stores. Zum Stammtisch in Glendale is more than a pork store; it is a full-blown Bavarian-style try). Many varieties of fresh mozzarella, mushrooms, and other Italian delicacies were lov-
restaurant, right down to the ceramic steins, folkloric decor, and plump, juicy sausages. ingly displayed, along with the mouth watering phenomenon of pork sausage wheels, which
I ate a powerful lunch, which proved to be necessary fuel as I made my way south into other is a long, thin sausage rolled in a spiral to form a “wheel” with two wooden skewers acting
as the spokes. I must confess I had never experienced a true wheel until my girlfriend Maria
introduced them to me. Her family eats them on special occasions, as her dad Denis grew up
in Bayridge, Brooklyn, which, incidentally was where we went next, Denis (and mom Jean) in
tow.

It was cool to see a Brooklyn neighborhood with a real native reminiscing and noting the
changes that had taken place and the businesses that remained. The number of different
cultures that have passed through and coexisted in this area is staggering. We stopped at
A&S, which was still in the same location as when Denis was a kid. Moving on, we headed
southeast to Dyker Heights to snap a pic of B&A and then over to Bensonhurst to capture the
last pork store on our tour, Bari, which also has a location in Gravesend.

neighborhoods of Brooklyn, but first, I had to visit Morscher and Forest, both in Ridgewood,
Queens. It’s fun to say “Williamsburg, Brooklyn,” or “Ridgewood, Queens,” as though the neigh-
borhood is a city and the borough is a state, which can be close to the truth. Forest PORK Store
was closed and bore a sign stating that they were now only available for pick-ups and deliver-
ies. Zum Stammtisch’s PORK store stated that their products were made by Forest, so I am
assuming that they have simply ceased their retail operations. However, upon photographing
their delightful sign, an elderly gentleman nervously asked me if they were selling the building.
A convenience store clerk emerged from the shop next door and demanded to know why I was
taking photographs. It seemed too far-fetched to say to him, “well, there’s this magazine called
PORK, and I’m doing a photo essay on New York’s PORK Stores for it,” so I instead told him I
was taking pictures of pork stores for fun. This explanation went nowhere, as he repeatedly
 GIMME SOMETHING BETTER by JACK BOULWARE & SILKE TUDOR
LARRY WESSEL’S ICONOCLAST the BOYD RICE DOCUMENTARY
“The punk stance is riddled with self-hate, which is always reflexive, and any time
you conclude that life stinks and the human race mostly amounts to a pile of shit,
you’ve got the perfect breeding ground for fascism.” -Lester Bangs

william campbell

I got into Punk around 1988 when I was 12. Oakland was largely barren of Punk kids:
there were a few I’d see here & there. I’d see more of them in Berkeley, hanging out
on Telegraph & down on Shattuck, but there were still only a dozen or so kids I’d see
ed “big daddy” roth with any frequency. Enough time had passed since the initial Punk explosion that a
large deal of scholarly books on Punk were being written & these & movies were what
I based my approach to Punk on. I got into zines & the Church of the Subgenius at the
same time. Punk seemed old-fashioned to me, not unlike becoming a Ted or a 60s style
surfer. There were multiple subcultures warring for my affiliation at the time. Skinhead
made more sense for Oakland, Punk seemed sillier & a more “white on white” kind of
a way of living. Skinhead was tough & seemed to be more reality based & was actually
scary to people instead of amusing of confusing. At the same time, I didn’t really GET
Skinhead in the way that I GOT Punk. I was also into “Modern” Rock, Euro Pop, Gang-
ster Rap, Acid House, Goth, Industrial, Classic Rock, Oldies, Novelty & Thrash. By
1988, the Bay Area had been pretty much conquered by the yuppies. It was how things
were. The Bay became very self-conscious about setting itself apart from Southern
California, the Valley & the Suburbs. It was very elitist. It was anti-money, despite be-
ing one of the most expensive places to live in the country. It was confused, veering
robert williams towards Communism but hateful of the common man. I liked Punk, Situationism, Zines
& the Church of the Subgenius because I was SO bored with society & just wanted
to confuse & attack it! Gimme Something Better is the most thorough exploration of
Stanley mouse the Bay Area Punk scene I’ve ever read, aside from reading every issue of Maximum-
RocknRoll & Cometbus up until about 1995. The book is formatted in the “oral history”
mode along the lines of Please Kill Me & its imitators. This is a great way to tell stories,
but I do miss what Jesse Michaels criticizes in the introduction, the hand of the “Rock
Journalist” painting a bigger picture & drawing out some insight from the interviews
presented. In fact, what a book like this would do very well with is one book of the
interviews & another book with the analysis. One of the weirder parts of reading this
book which didn’t happen while reading Please Kill Me or We Got The Neutron Bomb
is that I know at least half of the people interviewed. The earlier incarnations of the
Bay Area Punk scene seem much more interesting & what I wanted out of Punk when
I got into it, compared to how the scene was after Tim Yohannan & MRR had shaped
& guided things for so long & the whole leftist Punk infrastructure was ingrained &
taken for granted. When I started pushing my way into the scene in 1992, there was
already a bloated & corrupt Punk power-structure getting in my way & then when the
early 90s alternative boom happened, people realized they could make money off of
all that too & it was just absurd. There were more rules in the scene than there were in
regular society, people were clinging furiously to their little carved-out pieces of Punk
& it just sucked. That change from the pioneering stage of getting into Punk & throw-
ing yourself at a hostile world to having a protected area in which to follow your Punk
Rock Lifestyle really changed the kind of kids who got into Punk in the first place (total
weiners). The Punk scene ended up being an avant-garde for Leftism, towards this
safety-obsessed, rule mongering, quasi-Maoism which is really concerned with dis-
integrating all the old models of organization & culture, controlling the language you
use, how you spend your money, if what you are doing is “supporting the community”
& all that kind of nonsense. There was so much shit going on in the Bay Area, this Punk
jeff gaither
Ed newton thing only mattered if you bothered conforming to it, which I did. Simultaneously, there
was this world of experimental music, experimental thought & experimental art going
on, all of which was modeled after & fueled by the interaction between the revolution-
ary dissolution of the country in the 60s & the simultaneous covert restructuring/redi-
recting projects of the secret government with MKULTRA & COINTELPRO. Boyd Rice
is probably the best example of that whole world, others include Genesis P. Orridge &
Adam Parfrey. Unhindered by the desire to follow the doctrinaire politics of the Punk
scene, Boyd has been able to pursue his own interests wherever they may lead, in the
tradition of the True Artist. I first heard about Boyd in the RE/Search book Pranks, &
it was both liberating & terrifying to read about someone who was following his own
path however he saw fit. When I was a kid, that was the obvious way to do things,
??? but something changed as I grew older & that option of actually being myself never
seemed to be there, it seemed crazy actually. What I like centrally about Boyd Rice,
outside of him not getting boring, is that he has maintained that charged relationship
with society that I wanted out of Punk, but Punk had decided that it was going to “save
the world” & “be popular”. Not unlike the concept of Street & Sweet, Boyd’s evolving
philosophy is about the place where good & evil meet. His symbols are the hooked
cross & the cross of Lorraine. It’s funny, because I’ve come to see that if you really
want to “save the world”, that is the place you must exist, at the cross-roads, which
is the place where you meet the devil. Larry Wessel’s Iconoclast ends up being quite
profound & transformative. As we follow Boyd Rice’s story, it becomes very clear that
the cloak of “evil” that he wears is the classic maneuver of deliberate obfuscation, to
make it just a bit more difficult to decipher his message & thus frustrate those who are
not ready to understand. It’s the same with Crowley, who built up an elaborate mythol-
ogy around himself in order to draw people in & at the same time, repulse those who
would be unable to understand his lessons. Appropriately, my favorite part of Icono-
clast is a little story about Charles Manson & Rodney Bingenheimer sharing a booth
at Canter’s Jewish Deli. Gimme Something Better & Iconoclast document elements of

Basil wolverton MOUSE the Bay Area that I was & am obsessed with, cultural wars that are still raging, but in
different ways than they were originally. -SÄ
 PO
LIFESTYLE!

CUT

The Founding and Manifesto of Fu-

turism by F.T. Marinetti 2.20.1909
Let’s break out of the horrible shell
of wisdom and throw ourselves like
pride-ripened fruit into the wide, con-
torted mouth of the wind! Let’s give
ourselves utterly to the Unknown, not
in desperation but only to replenish
the deep wells of the Absurd! We sing
the love of danger, the habit of energy
and fearlessness. Courage, audacity,
and revolt will be essential elements
of our poetry. Up to now literature has
exalted a pensive immobility, ecstasy,
and sleep. We intend to exalt aggresive
action, a feverish insomnia, the racer’s
stride, the mortal leap, the punch and
the slap. We affirm that the world’s
magnificence has been enriched by
a new beauty: the beauty of speed. A
racing car whose hood is adorned with
great pipes, like serpents of explosive
breath a roaring car that seems to ride
on grapeshot is more beautiful than
the Victory of Samothrace. We want
to hymn the man at the wheel, who
hurls the lance of his spirit across the
Earth, along the circle of its orbit. The
poet must spend himself with ardor,
splendor, and generosity, to swell the
enthusiastic fervor of the primordial

elements. Except in struggle, there is

no more beauty. No work without an
aggressive character can be a mas-
terpiece. Poetry must be conceived
as a violent attack on unknown forces,
to reduce and prostrate them before
man. We stand on the last promon-
tory of the centuries!... Why should
we look back, when what we want is
to break down the mysterious doors
of the Impossible? Time and Space
died yesterday. We already live in the

absolute, because we have created

eternal, omnipresent speed. We will
glorify war, the world’s only hygiene,
militarism, patriotism, the destructive
gesture of freedom-bringers, beautiful
ideas worth dying for, and scorn for
woman. We will destroy the museums,
libraries, academies of every kind,
will fight moralism, feminism, every
opportunistic or utilitarian cowardice.
We will sing of great crowds excited by
work, by pleasure, and by riot; we will
sing of the multicolored, polyphonic
tides of revolution in the modern capi-
tals; we will sing of the vibrant nightly
fervor of arsenals and shipyards
blazing with violent electric moons;
greedy railway stations that devour
smoke-plumed serpents; factories
hung on clouds by the crooked lines of
their smoke; bridges that stride the riv-
ers like giant gymnasts, flashing in the
sun with a glitter of knives; adventur-
ous steamers that sniff the horizon;
deep-chested locomotives whose
wheels paw the tracks like the hooves
of enormous steel horses bridled by
tubing; and the sleek flight of planes
whose propellers chatter in the wind
like banners and seem to cheer like an
enthusiastic crowd.
CONTINUED IN BLACK

(ce
their talent an
strong Futurists! So l
glorious old canvases bobbing adrif
finishing our work. When we are forty, other you
ter, dancing to the winged cadence of their first songs
there... At last they’ll find us—one winter’s night—in open country, b
when they take fire from the flight of our images. They’ll storm around us, pantin
us. Injustice, strong and sane, will break out radiantly in their eyes. Art, in fact, can be nothin
them impatiently away, with fury, carelessly, unhesitatingly, breathless, and unresting... Look at us! We a
of the world, once again we hurl our defiance at the stars! You have objections? Enough! Enough! We know the
PORK PENNANT PARTY!
UT OUT PORK PENNANTS & PLACE THEM IN PROMINENT POSITIONS!

CUT
IT OU
T!

PORK PENNANTS ARE THE PERFECT WAY TO SHOW YOUR PEOPLE THAT
YOU ARE READY FOR A PIZZA PARTY & THAT YOU PREFER TO READ THE
ONLY MAGAZINE THAT MATTERS: PORK! SQUARES WILL TREMBLE IN THEIR
PERCEIVED MUNDANITY AS THEY PEEP YOUR PORK PENNANTS & PISS
THEIR PANTS.

CUT
IT OU
T!

“Put it in the pizza!”

It
is from
Italy that we launch
through the world this violently
upsetting incendiary manifesto of ours. With
it, today, we establish Futurism, because we want to free
this land from its smelly gangrene of professors, archaeologists,
ciceroni and antiquarians. For too long has Italy been a dealer in second-hand
clothes. We mean to free her from the numberless museums that cover her like so many
graveyards. Museums: cemeteries!... Identical, surely, in the sinister promiscuity of so many bodies
unknown to one another. Museums: public dormitories where one lies forever beside hated or unknown beings.
Museums: absurd abattoirs of painters and sculptors ferociously slaughtering each other with color-blows and line-blows,
the length of the fought-over walls! That one should make an annual pilgrimage, just as one goes to the graveyard on All Souls’ Day that
I grant. That once a year one should leave a floral tribute beneath the Gioconda, I grant you that... But I don’t admit that our sorrows, our fragile
courage, our morbid restlessness should be given a daily conducted tour through the museums. Why poison ourselves? Why rot? And what is there to see in
an old picture except the laborious contortions of an artist throwing himself against the barriers that thwart his desire to express his dream completely?... Admiring an
old picture is the same as pouring our sensibility into a funerary urn instead of hurtling it far off, in violent spasms of action and creation. Do you, then, wish to waste all your best
powers in this eternal and futile worship of the past, from which you emerge fatally exhausted, shrunken, beaten down? In truth I tell you that daily visits to museums, libraries, and academies
(cemeteries of empty exertion, Calvaries of crucified dreams, registries of aborted beginnings!) are, for artists, as damaging as the prolonged supervision by parents of certain young people drunk with
ent and their ambitious wills. When the future is barred to them, the admirable past may be a solace for the ills of the moribund, the sickly, the prisoner... But we want no part of it, the past, we the young and
s! So let them come, the gay incendiaries with charred fingers! Here they are! Here they are!... Come on! set fire to the library shelves! Turn aside the canals to flood the museums!... Oh, the joy of seeing the
g adrift on those waters, discolored and shredded! Take up your pickaxes, your axes and hammers and wreck, wreck the venerable cities, pitilessly! The oldest of us is thirty: so we have at least a decade for
er younger and stronger men will probably throw us in the wastebasket like useless manuscripts—we want it to happen! They will come against us, our successors, will come from far away, from every quar-
songs, flexing the hooked claws of predators, sniffing doglike at the academy doors the strong odor of our decaying minds, which will have already been promised to the literary catacombs. But we won’t be
ntry, beneath a sad roof drummed by a monotonous rain. They’ll see us crouched beside our trembling aeroplanes in the act of warming our hands at the poor little blaze that our books of today will give out
panting with scorn and anguish, and all of them, exasperated by our proud daring, will hurtle to kill us, driven by a hatred the more implacable the more their hearts will be drunk with love and admiration for
nothing but violence, cruelty, and injustice. The oldest of us is thirty: even so we have already scattered treasures, a thousand treasures of force, love, courage, astuteness, and raw will-power; have thrown
! We are still untired! Our hearts know no weariness because they are fed with fire, hatred, and speed!... Does that amaze you? It should, because you can never remember having lived! Erect on the summit
ow them... We’ve understood!... Our fine deceitful intelligence tells us that we are the revival and extension of our ancestors. Perhaps! If only it were so! But who cares? We don’t want to understand! Woe to
anyone who says those infamous words to us again! Lift up your heads! Erect on the summit of the world, once again we hurl defiance to the stars!
EAT LIKE A CAVE MAN by Danny Shoup who is bobby madness?
Bobby Madness is an old school, underground
Punk Rock cartoonist, originally from Ithaca, New
The Paleo Diet is an archaeology role-playing game cleverly disguised as a health food fad. The
York. Bobby moved to California in the early 80s &
idea is to eat only what was available to our Paleolithic ancestors before the invention of agricul-
started doing art for various Punk things including
ture. Featured in the New York Times, Time Magazine, and the Colbert Report, the diet includes
Cometbus. This lead to Bobby doing the master-
lots of meat, fish, fruit and vegetables, but no cheese, milk, bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, beer,
work Cometbus #39, an autobiographical piece
wine, or whiskey. Proponents of the Paleo Diet argue that the real causes of heart disease,
that is pure California 80s Punk. Bobby eventually
obesity, diabetes, and other ‘diseases of civilization’ are the foods that were introduced in the
moved to Oregon, because the Black people in
Neolithic Revolution about 10,000 years ago.
all the poor neighborhoods he lived in in Cali kept
telling him to get the fuck out! So he settled in
Of course, we’ve seen this diet before. It’s a reincarnation of the Atkins diet but with archaeol-
Portland where he has a lady & a kid. His comics
ogy as its cover story. The Paleo diet means rethinking healthy eating: processed grains, dairy
are published by Teenage Dinosaur.
products, sugar and alcohol are the enemy, not fat. After a generation of insipid low-fat foods,
the idea is shocking and appealing at the same time. After all, fat tastes good! PORTLAND’S BICYCLE CULTURE - GO FUCK YOURSELF
Local losers always tout this and that about the crappy dump I live in, like they can’t just admit
There’s a catch, of course. The archaeological theories behind the Paleo diet are about 50 “Portland sucks, but I’m too lazy and broke to move cuz theres good dope here,” so they make up
years out of date. The Paleolithic used to be taught as the age of MAN THE HUNTER: endless
dumb shit like “oh, it’s so bike friendly”. Well, if Portland is bike friendly, Germany is Jew friendly.
buffets of wooly mammoth steaks with some wild berries and seeds on the side, while everyone
Bike stuck up assholey would fit better. How indicative of the washouts who live here -- they
sits on bearskin rugs around the fire. As it turns out, archaeology suggests that animal meat
was only a small part of most ancient diets. In most cultures the men bragged endlessly about think it’s amazing that they ride a bicycle. Wow! At 27, you learned how to ride a bike! Let’s make
hunting but only occasionally brought an animal home. Meanwhile, women made a greater stickers and form a club! And the 4059 bike shops that open like legs everywhere -- most of them
nutritional contribution with their gathered nuts, grains, vegetables, fruits, and seeds. The Paleo are so stuck up, you’ll get laughed out of there for something stupid, like asking what size tube
diet comes out of folk archaeology, not real archaeology: “caveman” and “Neanderthal” evoke you need. I’ve literally had bike pig assholes tell me “you can’t just come in here and expect us
raw, authentic manliness for a generation of overeducated cubicle serfs with neglected bodies. to sell you a tire tube”. The sign says “bike shop”, you fucking puzzlewit motherfuckers! I almost
smashed that bitch’s face through that gentrified plate glass window. Then these smug ass-wipes
You look good in those genes take their stuck-uppedness to the extreme -- I have the right of way! Well, you’d THINK every/any
The manly appeal of the Paleo diet has spawned a tribe of entrepreneurs whose business is idiot would be smart enough not to cut off a semi with a bicycle, but hell no! So now it’s a tattooed
getting you in touch with your inner Neanderthal. The ‘Caveman Power Diet’ promises that by whine-fest every time some hairy legged college kid gets turned to road pizza. Ooh, lets put up a
cutting out bread, fries, and beer, you will lose weight, increase your energy, detox your system, ghost bike! Shoulda spent that time telling your friends “Hey, traffic laws aside, it’s better to almost
sharpen your mind, and get in touch with your inner self: kill pedestrians all day flyin’ down sidewalks than become a hood ornament”. In New York, me and
my friends all had bikes.it was like “Yeah, you’re into biking too? I was a messenger for a while.cool
Looking to the past for clarity on the present. Get back to basics, and embrace your true inner bike.” or something. We weren’t all obsessed by it, getting fucking stupid tattoos and meeting at
self and the wonderful creation that you began life as. Modern society is a very unnatural envi- the bike bar. Speaking of which, what fucking idiot thought that up? Yeah, biking and beer- what
ronment - anxiety, depression, and low self esteem are epidemic. a great mix! On Powell boulevard, the 2nd most dangerous street to bike on in Ptown, after 82nd,
aka Kitty Heaven and one or two beers an hour, if you’re, say 88 pounds, the average weight of
There’s also a Paleo fitness approach. The NY Times profiles French Paleo guru Erwan Le a punk-ass indie rock Portland ass-wipe, you’re guaranteed a DWI... hey- a DIY DWI. I hope I buy
Corre: your stolen bike off Craigslist, you fucking stuck up bike peoples! Bicycle culture is too proletarian
to submit to your fake, rotten attitudes. That alienation makes them money -- like when the com-
Mr. Le Corre, 38, who once made soap for a living, promotes what he calls “mouvement naturel”
munity bike center got a huge grant to promote bicycling to minorities. Just go to 82nd, where it’s
at exercise retreats in West Virginia and elsewhere. His workouts include scooting around the
underbrush on all fours, leaping between boulders, playing catch with stones, and other activi- the only affordable transportation around for Africans, Chinese geezers, Muslims, Wiggas, me and
ties at which he believes early man excelled. These are the “primal, essential skills that I believe everybody else, ya fuckin’ sellout grant thief losers. I’ll pass you on your expensive ass bike on my
everyone should have,” he said in an interview. beater Schwinn any fucking day of the week. Except Wednesday. I have to work on that day.

But did we really ‘evolve’ to eat a Paleo diet? Not so fast. Genes evolve quickly: most sedentary FREESTYLE 2
human populations (Europeans, Africans, and many Asians) gained genetic tolerance for lac- I used to be real glib, support wimmens lib, often times I fib, read the Kakland Trib, now I read the
tose and alcohol within a few hundred generations, an eye-blink in evolutionary time. As desper- times, follow financial crimes, been doin’ rhymes, more than shine done time, drink Bacardi and
ate as we are for absolute truth since we kicked God to the curb, you can’t find it in our genes.
lime, never cut in line, voted for Prince/but danced to the Time, East to the West, and the North
They change quickly when they need to. If humans are ‘naturally designed’ to do anything, it’s
and South, never play No Doubt, because its all about, knockin’ out assholes/like Rickey Kasso/
to adapt to new environments. (This is why the current geological age – the Anthropocene – is
named after us). sacrificin’ to Satan, so stop debatin’, MCs I’m deflatin’, real not fakin’, bitches on the tip for the
title he’s takin’, donuts I’m bakin’, met a Jamaican, haters were hatin’, Japan was earthquakin’,
If adaptation is the rule, then which Paleolithic diet are we talking about? Even today, there’s Lakers were lakin’, assalamalakin, Muslims skatin’, like Tonya Harding, party’s starting, so jump
an incredible diversity of hunter-gatherer lifestyles around the world. People in the Arctic get on your vision skate deck to 24th and Division, goin’ mental, smokin’ LA Confidential, watching
90% of their food from animal fat, but that’s a recent innovation too (the high arctic was only Yentl, benefits include dental, drink with dykes, smoke lucky strikes, rock the mike, half Mick half
settled around 15,000 years ago). African hunter-gatherers get about 25% of their calories from Kike, slappin’ bones, rockin’ microphones, was in your zone/but you weren’t home, smokin’ dope
animal products. And although Paleo dieters swear off grains and starches, it’s simply not true and abandoning hope, this rhyme has scope, where others fall flat, used to carry a gat, now i carry
that these foods played no role in Palaeolithic cultures. Aboriginal Australians made (and make) a cat, went to Manhattan and back, wrote down this rap, brought it back, I’m the White not Black,
a carb-rich “bush bread”, and in my home state of California, acorns were a staple food in the fucker shoppin’, hoppin’ trains coppin’, never stop, don’t call cops, used to hang with the wops/
period before contact. There is no singular ‘Paleo diet’. The only rule is diversity, adaptation, but my pops was tops, Irish Catholic whuppin’ me for stealing lollipops, switchblade combs beat
and change. cop megaphones now mobile phones acin’ pothead drones, like me, free, cold gold and Fast Eddy,
never knew a crew that’d rock so steady, get so spread out, like the dumb dum boys, puttin’ heads
Fun while it lasts out, with subsonic noise, ill heteros rockin’ the metro, stealin’ petrol, known to get chall fucked up
As a role-playing game, the Paleo diet seems like fun. You get to eat lots of high quality meat comatose leveled destroyed, kicked out the rehab for smugglin’ in sex toys, shot ketamine up and
and fish AND the self-satisfaction of a subculture. Throwing big rocks and running around on drank ten red bull energy drinks to help me think, stormed a roller rink, transform soul sonic srl
all fours in the underbrush sounds awesome too. But let’s be real here, this is a lifestyle for logic to the base on phonic 4 track slammin’ drug induced collections, of rhymes the antidote for
rich dilettantes. Most people can’t afford to feed themselves on nothing but free range meat human infections, peace out to Chris Marker, Peter Parker, Jay-Roc the Ill Duce, la Shawn and Ho-
and organic produce from Whole Foods. And the ecological costs of a mostly-meat diet are Killa, RIP Columbia Villa and I’m outta here like 8 ball jacket, kickin’ up a racket SLF attack it, punk
terrifying: the UN estimates that 30% of the earth’s land surface is used for lovestock, which
rock jackets with dental floss stitches -- peace out bitches I gotta do dishes.
produce about 18% of greenhouse gas emissions. The Paleo diet is incredibly expensive, both in
economic and ecological terms.
STRAIGHT EDGE - AMERICA’S NAZI MOVEMENT
There’s also a misanthropic primitivist agenda lurking in the corner. As Ray Audette writes at Being an honest, calm, well-loved zine artist, I seldom, if ever, have a problem with anybody.
NeanderThin.com: People are always coming up to me on the street and hugging me. That’s why when I found out
that dreaded “straightedge” hoodlums were slowly showing their evil faces, I decided to spring to
“My definition of nature is the absence of technology. Technology-dependent foods would action. Straightedge, the thinly disguised American Nazi movement, are creeping around surrepti-
never be ingested by a human being in Nature. I determined, therefore, to eat only those tiously inciting otherwise normal stoned people to violently and brutally assault poor defenseless
foods that would be available to me if I were naked of all technology…” cancer patients with their hate filled straightness. These Skinhead Nazi bastards, using the XXX
broken shwastika logo as they beat and kill, are possibly planning an assault as we speak. Killing
What a moron. Humans have always used technology – what else is a stone tool? – and our
old and young, the pro-male, anti-gay straightedge bastards are waiting, coast to coast, to start
chimpanzee cousins do too. A human being without technology… is not a human being. It’s a
meaningless concept unless you read it as a theological statement: humans have fallen from the their campaign of Skinhead Nazi murder and assault, as soon as we let our guard down. What can
grace of our ancestors and been punished with obesity and disease. If we return to an upright we do? Putting ant poison in their sodas is a start, and could possibly save a few lives - considering
lifestyle, we’ll be rewarded with health, happiness, and long life. It’s a pastiche of Original Sin, they want to ban all drugs, including ones that cure cancer and AIDS. As peaceful as I am, I think
with pizza and beer in the place of the apple. Primitivists like Audette share the Calvinist hatred finding out who their parents are and firebombing their house would not be out of line. Remember,
of humanity, but offer an even less convincing way to get saved. these are people who are out to kill and tear down all the strides we’ve made towards wymyns
rights and gay rights over the past 50 years. Breaking their hands, by use of explosives or beating
All that said, I’m surprised how sympathetic I’ve become to the Paleo diet ideas. It’s a diet for them with 2x4s, would immobilize the terroristic rapist Nazi bastards and their violent anti-drug ha-
archaeology-addled idealists, of whom I am one. But beneath the bullshit there’s some good tred from going out and beating the elderly again. Most think it’s too late -- this menace’s apparatus
sense – eating lots of nutrients and protein is good for your body, refined sugar and white bread is already in place, spreading its anti-Hispanic racist hatred from their secret headquarters in the
are not. Kurt Harris at the Archevore blog strikes a middle ground that I can live with: mid-west, possibly one of the shittier states (Illinois). Well, like all right wing bastards, from Adolf
Hitler to Sara Palin, they lie and lie, saying they’re harmless, until it’s time for them to strike. Then
That we are eating some things we are clearly inadequately adapted to seems certain, but the they’re going to come to all the good independent punk shows and start fights. They already are
idea that the dietary bright line is narrow and exists at the 10,000 year mark is a cartoon view out there, violently stomping those they find “genetically inferior”.there is only one defense, as the
not supported by the science. I believe most of the dietary damage is due to industrial process- straightedge mind police surround minorities and freedom loving glbt youth in alleys this summer,
ing amplifying the effect of things that have always been around and were never good for us in
to ostensibly kill them. We must strike the first blow. If you see a person with the broken shwazi
the first place.
XXX logo, you have to nut up, go on the roof, and find a cinder block and drop it on their head. If we
cripple and injure one of these mental rapists, we’re saving countless old people who need pain
For More: medication. It’s preventative non-violence to mutilate these republicans. That might make up for
archevore.com
all the people they hurt and destroyed in the past. You may or may not remember the riot at the
hunter-gatherer.com
Tears for Fears show, where several straightedge kids murdered an Albanian hot dog vendor in
cavemanpower.com
palaeodiet.com Syracuse. Or the Meteors show where they tried to ban Aqua Net. It was a scene ending waste,
cavemanhomecompanion.com and totally ruined the whole punk planet. After that, there was nobody left to play but Bananarama,
neanderthin.com so of course the Cro-Mags would sound good in comparison. Please don’t help Nazism. Kill all
straightedge people now. Peace!
unbelievABLE!!! NEWS OF THE WORLD WITH JASON MCKAY
witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theo-
ries! scientific scares! the occult! & all manners of weirdness from
the desk of the northwests’ premier dubiologist: jason mckay!

April 7 - MIRACLES
A British dance instructor is excited when after finishing her laundry, she opens up the
dryer to find an image of Jesus miraculously appear on a tea towel.

April 11 - SCIENTIFIC SCARES

After years what was only science fiction, the U.S. Navy creates the first real laser
gun, demonstrated by the Office of Naval Research, by testing the Maritime Laser Dem-
onstrator which was able to disable a small boat with its ray gun.

April 14 - UFOS
UFOlogists believe they captured a video of UFOs hovering over the Japanese Fuku-
shima nuclear power plants not long after the tsunami and earthquake disasters?!

April 18 - PSYCHIC PHENOMENON

A Hollywood psychic was arrested on 36 felony counts of burglary, credit fraud, and
grand theft from clients who had been ripped off, after she told them to buy $30,000 in
gold bars to create a ‘shield’ to ward off evil spirits.

April 19 - CONSPIRACY THEORY/UFOS

Newly released documents by CIA show that ten days BEFORE his assassination, Presi-
dent Kennedy was demanding full disclosure of UFO files

April 21 - WITCHCRAFT
MPs at the Kyrgyzstan parliament, in hopes of downplaying all of the recent political
unrest, hired exorcists to sacrifice goats outside the parliament building, in hopes
of driving out all the evil spirits causing civil unrest.

April 25 - UFOS
Nobody today is safe from the bad economy, including the SETI (Search for Extraterres-
trial Intelligences) institute when severe budget cuts were made, culminating in the loss
of the Allen telescopes, which were instrumental in their research.

April 28 - CRYPTOIDS
A controversial Yeti scalp (was it fake or real?) and bony paw were returned to Nepal,
after having been stolen from a monastery in the 1990s by a British explorer and left at
Oxford University for scientific experiments.

May 5 - WITCHCRAFT
Opponents (in other words, supporters of Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khameni) of
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have accused and arrested people close to
the president, on charges of being ‘magicians’ and invoking spirits to influence politi-
cal power.

May 13 - CONSPIRACY THEORY

A new book was released this week, detailing the ‘truth’ behind Area 51 and the alien
crash at Roswell...it was all a psy-op by Joseph Stalin, with the help of Nazi scientist
Joseph Mengele (who apparently used deformed experiments) to scare the United
States into believing in an alien invasion!

May 21 - WITCHCRAFT
In Chhattisgarh, India, where witchcraft is believed to exist amongst the locals, a
couple accused of witchcraft were attacked by an angry mob and mutilated, as their
attackers blinded them with scissors.

May 26 - GHOSTS
A woman in Arlington, Virginia claims that she lives in the childhood home of Door’s
vocalist Jim Morrison, and his ghost regularly skulks (haunts) around the house …
and at night, sleeps in her bed!

May 30 - WITCHCRAFT
A small village near Johannesburg, South Africa accused a monkey of witch-
craft because it attempted to ‘speak’ with local villagers, so a terrified mob stoned it
with rocks and then burnt it to death!

Dubiologist’s note: The Unbelievable news updates found in the pages of PORK are
meant to alert readers to those weird and bizarre stories that often get missed by the
evening news! Which is why I won’t always alert readers to unbelievable stories which
they probably have heard over and over again, unless they’ve been living under a rock
such as the President Obama vs. Donald Trump birth certificate debacle or the even
more recent ‘No-Judgement Day’ story! So be happy knowing you’re getting the fresh-
est (and possibly scariest) news available right HERE!
 The White Oprah!
™

pancakes with tiger butter!

TAPES ARE COOL!
book club! The PORKETTES have been har
work making mix tape
aro
s for
und
our
with
d at
boo
on
m-
the
boxes that we ride
r favor-
hard by Charles White front of our bikes. Blasting you
The Life and Times of Little Ric eve ry activ-
m-boom!” ite tunes sets the mood of
“A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-lop-ba dan e acti vitie s, like
’n’rollin’ son of a bitch in all ity, and takes mun
Little Richard is the most rock stre et, and mak es
and a tota l weirdo and an absolute walking dow n the
the land. He is a wizard ORDS
ds right out of his mouth, them cinematic. BURGER REC
orginal. This book takes the wor lots of our favo rite
himself, as well as his band has been releasing
full of interviews with the man E! Set you r own sum -
nicl es his rise to the tops of records on TAP
and family members. It chro
e in the early 50’s, invent- mer sou ndtrack .
the charts and the top of the gam
es SHOULD be like. The
ing what rock’n’roll performanc
book also charts his subseq
music, along with the homosexua
uen t shunning of rock’n’roll
lity, orgies, glitz, drugs,
cartoon club!
for a more modest but no CARTOON CORNER
and fame that accompanied it,
in Christian preacher. Bimbo’s Initiation is a 1931 Betty
less inspired turn as a born aga
e Rich ard couldn’t handle the Boop cartoon where an unsuspect-
It seems almost as if Littl
oll so he turned to God as ing Bimbo falls into a manhole and
magic powers he had in rock’n’r
so powerful and magnetic. gets locked in by a punkass Mickey
an explanation of why he was
e as a god into one big blanket Mouse. Turns out, he’s a basement
He channelled his own voic
se of it all and to stop hav- of a totally bizonk club and they
of a God, perhaps to make sen
s a lot with the most severe, want him to be a member! He is
ing too much fun. This happen
also : PRINCE). put through a series of treacher-
sexual, amazing artists (see
ous and dangerous situations like

tubin’!
a knife with teeth licking its lips as
the floor pulls him closer to being
stabbed to death, and doors that
PUMPKIN DANCE: This is one of lead to nowhere labeled with skulls
those youtube videos that is never and crossbones and big number
not funny. Anytime we turn it on, 13s. The whole time he keeps be-
someone ends up crying with laugh- ing asked “Wanna be a member?
ter. A man wears a black leotard Wanna be a member?” He says
and tights and a pumpkin mask and “No!” up until the last moment when
does a VERY inspired dance to the the ring leader of the secret society
Ghostbusters theme. This somehow is revealed to be Betty Boop, and
was worthy of being on the news in then he falls into a different sort of
Omaha, Nebraska. PORKETTES Alli manhole (if you know what I mean)
and Miranda have learned the entire and says YES.
dance routine.

BEST COAST When I’m With You SKATE WITCHES:

A pretty blonde babe, singer “We’re the skate witches and we
Bethany Cosentino, runs around don’t take no crap from no one.” A
on the beach with a knock off 1986 Super 8 short about a gang of
Ronald McDonald. They ride a witches who skateboard and have
tandem bike, they go to In-N-Out pet rats. Conceptual gold. I think
Burger, they hold hands, they some girls need to take this as a
have a barbecue... Pretty much lesson to start gangs, if for no other
reason than to make really sweet
my ideal life.
matching jackets and ride around
on skateboards being terrorists and
shoving “wimp boy skateboarders”.
band alert!
n o n & t h e C lams icon! Divine
Sha n

BORN HARRIS GLEN MILSTEAD

OCT 19, 1945- MARCH 7. 1988
and
Divine is our patron saint of filth
ing one
glamour, of taking everyth
n big-
step too far, of big tits and eve
, the tigh test outf its and and
ger hair
w
shaving back your hairline to allo
m Sleep are a for mak e-
Shannon and the Clams’ albu for the most surface
of the sum mer, g in ten of Joh n Wat ers’ s
Talk is the soundtrack up. Starrin
swe aty slow dan ces ies (my favo rite is Fem ale Trou-
with tracks for mov
ed to
like “Tired of Being Bad” and rolli
cking ble) and later with a career turn
g”, bor row - e per form anc es wor ld
raveups like “The Cult Son disco and stag
styl e
us” cha nt from the wide, Divi ne did eve ryth ing with
ing the “one of g
it up rese ntin
Ramones via Freaks and layering and humor. “I’m here rep
and
with “OOGA BOOGA OOG A BOO GA Freedom, Liberty, Family Values
n yelps an Way of Life ”
OOGA BOOGA BABY”. Shanno the fuck ing Am eric
Phil Spe ctor ’s hon ey she once said while wearing not
and coos like
flag at
gott en dru nk and turn ed up to 11. The much more than an American
Old- e in Lon don . Divi ne was
band is for sure in the “Young a perform anc
us
inis cen t of sitti ng on a e of a wom an than som e of
ies” genre, rem mor
cou ch in a par ty hou se, wor k- could ever dream of bein g.
stained
of the nigh t,
ing on your second 40
n in a
screaming along to Del Shanno

looks great. duh!

of rock ’n’rolle rs, han d clap-
room full
and who a-
ping and yeahyeahyeah’s
ON 1-2- 3-4 GO
oh-oh’s. OUT NOW
n&
RECORDS. (What’s that? Shanno
true !)
the Clams in PORK #4? It’s

Shangri-Las!

too late! You

nt thing to establish, and it’s not
A summer look is an importa day rock ’n’r oll festival
a barbecue to an all
need a look that can take you from d look , and POR K is here to
in. You need a goo
to the county fair, and back aga KET TES in
Rock Vest. Check out the POR
help! 2011 is the summer of the blea ch out the back
to work on your own! We
their customized vests, and get ky mar kers ! Stu ds are tough
& insignia with stin
panel & rock our names, crew butt ons too!
ikes.com!!! Don’t forget lots of
& cool & cheap from studsandsp

Heart sunglasses are

an eternal yes, equally Lo-
lita and comic book rockin’
roller. Get your own pair
from internetpork.com!!! A
great way to cover up your
pepperoni eyes!!!

two sets
s of the 60’s girl group scene,
The Shangri-Las are the bad girl are quintes-
ens, New York. Their songs
of sisters from a rough bit of Que abo ut thin gs like young
treasures, singing
sential melodramatic teenaged ring skin tigh t mat chin g outfits
all while wea
love, lust, death, and partying, Kiss ”, starts
favorite, “Give Him a Great Big
and immaculate hairstyles. My BES T BEL IEV E I’M
I SAY I’M IN LOVE, YOU
out with the oft quoted “WHEN vers atio n in the mid dle of
excellent con
IN LOVE, L-U-V” and features the
the song:
“Well, what color are his eyes?”
ring shades.”
“I don’t know, he’s always wea
“Is he tall?”
“Well, I gotta look up.”
“Yeah, Well I hear he’s bad.”
not evil.”
“Hmm, he’s good bad, but he’s
Shoot Straight and Speak the Truth.

Sure you can trust the Government,

ask any Indian.
 Keep all skunks, bankers & lawyers at a distance.

manifest destiny
THE SKINNER’S MUDHOLE
gANG iS AT IT AGaIN! get-
ting soaked in the ware-
house district & seeing
who is fit to die. they’re photography by katie Äaberg fashions by allihalla hair&makeup by amelia hart
gonna wind up this busi- leather by slashn’burn additional wardrobe by kitsch concept by katie Äaberg
ness & hotly pursue... models: aaron. alli. amelia. janelle. miranda

When you wallow with pigs,

is s a g o o d c h a n c e to shut up.
expect to get dirty. Never m
 mudsill miranda

The Skinner’s Mudhole Gang

mean eugene amelia

CHIEF SULLIED HORSE

KEISHA THE KID alli oopsy daisy

 Life is not about how fast you run,
or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

GALAXY EXPRESS 999 SPACE COWBOY

THEY SAY THAT HISTORY IS WRITTEN IN BULLETS & by Leijii Matsumoto by the Jonzun Crew
BLOOD, BUT THE DUST COVERS EVERYTHING THAT IS This 70s manga series
totally convinced me
Electro Funk pioneers the
Jonzun Crew produced this
OLD & THE SUN BEATS DOWN, BLEACHING THE BONES that space is where absurd single in 1983. The
humanity will find itself.
& MAKING THE WHITE MAN RED. THE WEST WAS WON Totally romantic, sad &
Space Cowboy, “He’s bad,
he’s mean, he’s a space
A LONG TIME AGO BUT THE FRONTIER STILL CALLS. introspective, Galaxy Ex-
press is also a thrilling
cowboy in his spacey jeans.
He’s bad, he’s #1, he’s a
IT IS TIME TO TAKE OUR EYES OFF THE HORIZON & wild west Space Opera. Space Cowboy with a laser
LOOK UP, UP INTO THE ENDLESS REACHES OF SPACE. The best? Yes. gun.” The album is great.

Good judgment comes from experience,

and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
TOP 10 BUBBLEGUM TUNES!!!
1. YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY
by THE OHIO EXPRESS
2. QUICK JOEY SMALL
by THE KASENETZ KATZ SUPER CIRKUS
3. ALICE LONG by BOYCE & HEART
4. LITTLE WILLY by THE SWEET
5. CHEWY CHEWY by THE OHIO EXPRESS
6. SUMMERTIME GIRL
by THE BEDROCK ROCKERS
7. GIMME GIMME GOOD LOVIN’
by CRAZY ELEPHANT
8. BUBBLEGUM WORLD
by THE 1910 FRUITGUM COMPANY
9. THE GROOVIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD
by THE FUN & GAMES
10. INDIAN GIVER
by THE 1910 FRUITGUM COMPANY
 PORK STORE. “Let’s Shopping!”
PORK BUTTON PORK TOTE
$3 for 2 $10
You need lots of Need more tote
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will wonder what the hell your deal is.
You’ll be all, “Yeah Punkass, PORK.
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(S-L) MENS: Black with pink PORK
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ORDERING: You can order online at internetpork.com using paypal or you can send well
concealed cash or check to GOBLINKO pobox 12044 Eugene OR 97440 USA. All prices for
USA only & include shipping. Foreigners please get in touch before ordering!!!

Whaddayaknow about bananas kid? It’s

a secret code isn’t it? Andy Warhol. The
Velvet Underground. The Banana Splits.
internetpork.com
The Dickies. I think we’re all goin’ bananas.
 lia
A l l i , Po nyo & Ame
lle, Miranda,
Aya, Jane

La Isla de
la Gente d
e la Sandí
a.

A kooky bunch having lunch!

Slu rped!
ke d , G l ooked &
Gon
Wo ist
de r Karto
ffelsala
うなロ ックユー t?
ハリケ ーンのよ

Photos by Katie Äaberg