Online Dating G21321uide
Online Dating G21321uide
Online Dating G21321uide
Brad Miller
Updated: 12/19/2012
HTTP://WWW.DATINGADVICEGUY.COM
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Disclaimer
My opinions are just opinions. They are based on my personal experience and while Ive seen
my advice help many people, at the end of the day its still just an opinion. I invite you to read
my thoughts and make your own decisions on them. I hope that my thoughts and experiences
can make your online dating experience more enjoyable.
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Before We Begin
If you are going to be dating online and expect to have success with my guide or any other
there is one thing you must absolutely do: you must be committed. You need to decide that you
are going to do everything within your power to find a successful relationship.
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If you're already doing these things, that's great! You're ahead of the curve. Obviously, no one
has to follow this advice but as someone who made the mistakes, I can't recommend enough
that these be your first steps into the world of online dating. If you really want success, you
don't want to be miss out on meeting someone just because you were unwilling to plan on how
you were going to tackle this problem!
Finally, for any readers that are not taking this seriously: if you continue to put off the decision
to actually try a dating service, you will never have success (at least not online). All the guides in
the world won't ever do you any good unless you are willing to move the process forward.
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and actually go on a date, well, then apply all these rules the book gives you. Let me be clear:
dating books have a lot of value. I just feel that the one paragraph many of these books offer
regarding an online dating leaves a lot to be desired. I am hoping to supplement the dating
books out there, not replace them.
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The Rules
Here are a few important concepts everyone should bear in mind before getting into the actual
guide (or online dating for that matter). These rules establish how I believe online dating should
be approached. Awareness of these concepts can make the whole process a little less painful.
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The truth of the matter is being assertive is going to help many guys seem more attractive to
many girls Ill give the books that much but this does not make it the only solution. The
books do mean well: they are offering advice that will improve a mans odds when trying to get
dates.
Something should be done to improve the odds, but I do not believe the answer is to do so by
pretending to be something you are not. Instead, improve your odds by dating more and
accepting the fact that in many cases being yourself is going to make finding who you want
more difficult. Theres a guy out there for the aggressive girl as much as there is a girl out there
for the shy guy. This is the big reason I was drawn to online dating: I didnt have to stop being a
little shy to meet people. Just send an email and if there was no response I would just convince
myself she moved out of the country to help feed the needy in a third-world country.
Eventually, I did gain some assertiveness but it was because I was becoming more comfortable
after a few dozen first dates, not because I was working on my assertiveness. It is unfair to tell
someone to be yourself and then to tell them exactly what that person should look like. You
may have personality traits that make you less attractive but is that really so bad? Even if you
fail in the beginning just remember: you only have to be successful once. When you do find
success, it will have much greater value if you do so while being honest with yourself and the
person you are dating.
One warning on being yourself: dont feel like you need to get everything out there on the first
date to successfully be yourself. As a personal example, I didnt express my interest in
Massive Multi-Player Online Games (World of Warcraft, Everquest, etc.) when I first started
dating my wife. I didnt make attempts to hide this informationI just didnt bring it up.
This turned out to be a good decision because she had a very bad impression of video games (I
seem to remember her believing there was a close tie to devil worship or something else
equally laughable). Fortunately, when I did finally bring it up she knew me well enough to
question her beliefs, watched me play a few games, met a few of my online friends, and got
over her fears. Im afraid to think what would have happened had I felt compelled to share
every detail on our first date.
Now, everyone isnt a geek like me but we all have something we just know might damage our
second-date-chances so treat dating like a marathon, not a sprint. Being honest is one
thingrevealing every detail about yourself is quite another.
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You will need to accept that many of the people you try to contact will not write you back or
that fewer people are contacting you than you would like. On rare occasions, someone will be
rude when you try to talk with them.
You will have bad first dates and you will have bad second dates after thinking the first date
was great. You will realize within the first few seconds of some dates that the picture on the
profile was very old or misleading. You will meet people who come off great in emails but who
can barely speak when you meet in person. The list goes on
The point is that this is all part of the process. Getting frustrated with the people you are
meeting or being hard on yourself is the worst thing you can do. If you accept that it will not be
easy and that the process will not necessarily be quick, you will be doing yourself a great
service.
If online dating were easy, the Match.com 6 Month Guarantee would be a 6 week guarantee.
So remember, online dating may not be easy but it is well worth the effort.
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Cons:
Little structure; sometimes confusing for new users
The amount of competition can cause your profile to get lost in the crowd
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Update 2011: Since I first wrote this Yahoo! Personals has closed and become a part of
Match.com and MySpace seems all but forgotten in the wake of Facebook but the advice still
applies to the many non-dating specific sites out there.
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same. No amount of writing here will offer as much as personally trying out a few weeks of
different services.
Finally, I would recommend whichever service you decide to give a try that you sign up for a
shorter term in the beginning. No need to sign up for a service for a year only to find out a
month later you like another service more. If youre committed to trying online dating, I think 3
months is a nice range. Six months is occasionally a good choice as wellespecially if you can
find a good deal by taking advantage of a promotion or coupon. These options will save you
money over the single month price (which is normally very high) but it wont commit you for
overly long.
See Appendix A for a list of popular and specialized dating services.
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Better Definition
As I went on more and more dates in a short time period, I realized that what I really wanted in
a woman and what I had been willing to accept were very different. When I was only meeting
one girl a month, there were so many qualities that I didnt like that I would ignore simply
because I didnt want to have to start all over with someone else. I would continue to date
someone negative or rude or conceited and would just hope that things would just eventually
work themselves out.
All this changed when my dating schedule became very active. Breaking off communication
with someone I had nothing in common with, or at least who was missing qualities I was looking
for, became easy. Honestly, it was often a relief because there were more first dates waiting
and I would be able to remove someone from my list of potentials.
This freedom allowed me to finally be honest with myself about what I was looking for. I
stopped defending the poor qualities my dates had and started moving on. Dating in numbers
allowed me to make decisions based on what I desired, not based on how lonely I was at that
time.
Greater Comfort
One great side-effect to dating so actively was that I became more comfortable with dating
itself. I was discovering which conversations worked better than others and was able to learn
what conversations to avoid altogether. The confusion of first-dates with someone I had just
met was disappearing.
Copyright 2007-2013 by DatingAdviceGuy.com
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I actually started to have fun. I hadnt even thought that having fun could be a part of dating
but as I grew more comfortable, I had more fun. I still wasnt the most confident guy (for
example, I still wasnt regularly asking random girls out in public) but I was becoming very
comfortable on dates, which gave the appearance of confidence.
Less Stress
There was always another first date on the horizon. Failure wasnt so horrible any longer. I lost
my unreasonable desire to make every date go perfectly. When the stress lessened, I stopped
paying attention to myself and started paying attention to my date.
On one occasion when things were going very poorly, instead of stressing out, I told my date I
didnt think we were a great match but that we could still have fun over dinner. She seemed
relieved and agreed to try to enjoy the dinner. We did have a nice time that evening and then
proceeded to never speak to each other again. Failure became a part of dating, neither good
nor bad; just a part that has to be accepted.
Improved Odds
If you believe that you can get along with anyone out there then dating infrequently could work
for you. For the rest of us, the biggest part of find that special someone is opportunity.
To put it another way: imagine there is a room with 100 people in it and in this imaginary room
there is one person who is a match to you. Using my original method for dating (one girl a
month), my odds of meeting that special someone were very low and theoretically it would
have taken a very long time to meet her (8+ years if I was particularly unlucky).
Thats not the only issue, though. The problem with saying it would take a long time is that
statement assumes that my match wont move on to something else: a new job that she
wouldnt have been taken had she been in a relationship, settling for someone just to not be
alone, etc.
Copyright 2007-2013 by DatingAdviceGuy.com
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So I believe that dating many people improves your chances in two ways: you have a better
chance of meeting someone who you are looking for and you also potentially avoid missing out
on someone who may move on if you never got around to meeting in the first place.
Lets take the example above to the other extreme: imagine that after a maximum of five dates
everyone meets their special someone, guaranteed. Its just the way the world works. Some
may meet on the first date, some may meet on the third but no one ever needs to go beyond a
fifth date.
Living in this imaginary world, my question is this: how quickly would you go on your five dates?
Would you attempt to meet your special someone sooner or later? If later, why date online at
all? Youre risking meeting that special someone before the time youve appointed appropriate.
If sooner, why wait by going on few dates? It seems logical that most people would go on their
five dates as quickly as possible when desiring a relationship. I think the real world is similar,
although clearly not so simple!
You also want to improve your odds against the chance of your competition beating you to (or
scaring off) that special someone. And you do have competition out there!
Not everyone agrees that this is the best approach to online dating but having personally taken
the effort to date in numbers, the benefits are very clear to me. However, sometimes when I
offer this advice to people it has been rejected as not for them. There seems to be a general
aversion to this kind of dating. This is why I laid out all the benefits above: many people want
some romantic, movie-like event to bring them into contact with the love of their life. It would
be great if it worked that way but for most of us some actual effort will be required.
So just give it a try. Date as many people as you possibly can. Youre dating too many people if
you begin to confuse your dates with one another. As long as youre not getting confused on
who youre talking to, I say date even more. For some of us, that might be three. Others may be
able to date a dozen and keep everything straight. I had eight first dates planned once and
found it was too much for me (fortunately none of the dates ended with me confusing one girl
for another!). In the end, I found that five worked best for me.
Sometimes you wont be able to date a lot of people at one time. There may not even be two
people youre interested in with the service you use! If this is the case, chances are you are too
picky so try to be open-minded. Take a few risks ask out a few no-picture profiles or accept a
Copyright 2007-2013 by DatingAdviceGuy.com
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date from someone who contacts you that you are on the fence about. Yes, youll be living on
the edge and, yes, you may not be attracted but at least youll be out there.
If all else fails, sign up for a second service or at least check out the members on another
service. In the case where you are contacting people but getting fewer responses than you
would like, understand that it takes time. I believe it took around five weeks from when I
decided to date multiple women to when I actually was dating multiple women.
It takes a little guess work but you should be contacting people until you feel that you are at
your max for dating without confusion. When you remove someone from your list of
potentials, start contacting someone else to fill that spot. This is tricky so be careful: play your
cards wrong and you may find yourself with an empty list or a list so large you cant handle it!
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Sharing Experiences
I would really recommend that you share your online dating experiences with close friends. I
probably took this too far because I would talk to anyone who would listenbut it was one of
the biggest helps with dating that I found.
People love to hear about dates, both the good and the bad. People enjoy hearing about
others relationships (turn on the television sometime) and they love to offer advice. Be open to
listening to all advice but be slower on the advice you decide to follow. In my opinion, were all
lost to some degree when it comes to dating (this was clearest for me when girls giving me
advice were baffled by the responses I got when following their advice). Still, it was always fun
to hear what others thought would be the best move in a particular dating situation. Also, if
you are able, try to share your experiences with both male and female friends. The difference in
the advice I received was surprisingalthough perhaps it shouldnt have been! I found that
frequently the best choice was somewhere in the middle of the advice offered by the guys and
the girls.
For me, after I had been doing the multiple-dates-per-week for about a month, it was common
for several people to stop by my desk at work to see how my weekend went. More often than
not I had a funny story to tell them: either because I messed up big time and now found little
else to do but laugh about it or sometimes because I met a crazy girl which made for even
better stories.
I was also gaining confidence because I was learning that I wasnt the only person who thought
dating was extremely confusing. It became clear that some people who stopped by werent
there for a laugh or to offer advice: they were confused just like me. They were just curious to
learn how another blind man was trying to find his way.
Eventually a manager at work devoted one of her whiteboards to the girls I was dating. She
developed a ranking system for how much I liked a girl versus how much that girl seemed to like
me. She was just having fun but it made me feel very successful even though I hadnt met my
future wife yet. In your search for that someone, dont ignore all the people you already
have. They will love trying to help you make sense of all the chaos.
Finally, one wonderful side-effect of all my sharing was that I had several people setting me up
on dates! Dates with zero workyou cant beat that!
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The Profile
Every service offers you a way to present information about yourself to the public. Most often
this is referred to as your profile. Most literature Ive read regarding online dating has put
massive amounts of emphasis on the importance of the profile. I do think the profile is an
important tool in online dating but I believe even someone with a mediocre profile can still be
very successful.
For example, look at newspaper personal ads. Here is a real personal ad I found:
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
DWM, 49, 510, 165lbs, brown/brown, construction worker, fit, N/S, N/D, young heart, mind,
body, has kids, lives alone. Seeking fit WF to enjoy lifes ups and downs
So in a few sentences you have read this gentlemans profile. Chances are hes getting dates.
Someone using these ads must be having success because theyve been around for so long and
people continue to use them. Its the knowledge that this type of profile can work that causes
me to question the amount of information that we are instructed to put into our online
profiles. The profile is important. It is your sales pitch and it is necessary but when you go
shopping for a car, the salesman doesnt explain every type of bolt used to hold the engine
together: it is just not necessary. I think sometimes we are convinced we must share every
bolt about ourselves without realizing this can do more damage than good. The following is
what I think a good profile should strive for.
Avoiding Elimination
People look for two things when reading a profile: things that make the profile writer desirable
(either similar traits or desirable traits) and things that make the profile writer worthy of
elimination. Everyone should have a mental list of what they are looking for if they are serious
about dating. Some people, however, take this to the extreme and will eliminate anyone who
does X or likes Y regardless of how petty X or Y are.
It is my opinion that writing a very lengthy profile will improve your odds of unwarranted
elimination. This elimination-leaning quality of online dating is partially created by online dating
itself: there are 10,000 profiles to look at. If someone has a quality you dont like, just drop the
idea of talking to them and move on to the other 9,999. This is a poor way to approach dating
and I would encourage you to rarely eliminate anyone quickly for small differences.
Brevity
If you read enough profiles, you will notice it is hard for an individual profile to stand out. Sure,
you might remember a profile with a pretty or handsome face attached to it but it isnt the
profile itself that has captured your attention. For the most part, profiles arent nearly as
interesting as the people writing them, no matter how good the writing skills involved may be.
Copyright 2007-2013 by DatingAdviceGuy.com
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It makes sense to want to have a great profile but the truth is profiles are very forgettable. All
this is not here to discourage attempts at the perfect profile but to encourage avoiding an
overly large profile. The last thing you want your profile to do is cause people to skim it quickly.
Chances are your profile wont be the first or last profile a given person will read on any given
day. If you can express who you are and be as brief as possible at the same time, you are
improving your chances of having someone get a better understanding of you. Better to express
a few important details about yourself than lose people by explaining everything.
Many people list every single thing they love in the hopes that someone else may like it too.
This makes sense as we all want to find someone we can share our lives with and sometimes
were afraid we might be missing that special someone because we didnt mention our love of
peanut butter or the color yellow or whatever. It is a good thing to list specifics about yourself
that you hope would attract others but keep in mind you cant be everything to everyone.
There should be a limited number of interests you cover to avoid boring away potential dates.
A final note on brevity: remember that a lot of your competition may be absolutely, positively
insane. The guy that calls three times a day for a week after the first date or the girl who, on the
first date, talks about colors shed like to use in your wedding. There are crazies out there and
they affect you by causing your potential dates to be suspicious of you. Get too wordy with
your profile creation and you may be labeled as not worth the risk because of the nuts who
came before you.
Avoid Jokes
Unless you are that guy or girl that everyone describes as their funny friend, it is best to avoid
joking around in your profile. Its not that joking around is bad, its that interpretation of
meaning on the internet is often a tricky thing. As an example, most of us have written emails
that we later had to explain because our meaning was misinterpreted.
If you feel you must make jokes because thats who you are, get someone to read your profile
to make sure your meaning is easily understood. And for the love of all things pure and holy,
please avoid sarcasm. You may be the most adept wielder of sarcasm the world has ever known
but if there is anything that is easier to misunderstand on the internet than sarcasm, I havent
seen it. The problem with sarcasm is you are saying something that can lead people to believe
you feel one way when in reality you feel the exact opposite. If you want potential dates to
know that you enjoy sarcasm just say so.
Stay Positive
This is much different than joking as it pertains to the tone of your profile. Try to have positive
spins on your personal facts. Do you enjoy your job? If so, when you talk about your job
mention something you like about it. Are you close to your family? Say so and express how
great you think they are. Be honest about what makes you happy in your life.
Copyright 2007-2013 by DatingAdviceGuy.com
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If positive isnt your thing, and for some of us it just isnt, thats fine. In that case, just avoid
being negative. Avoid comments such as I cant believe Im doing this or I know this makes
me look desperate or Ive failed at every other dating method, may as well try this and so
on. You will see this in other profiles occasionally but make sure all comments in your profile
are either neutral or positive.
I am not sure who is passing around the rumor that a good way to find a date is by generating
pity but it is a lie. Complaining isnt attractive. Also, some seem to believe that being hard on
themself shows a very lovable quality. It doesnt. It does not come off as humble, it comes off
as insecure. Dont do it. As the saying goes, better to say nothing at all than something bad.
Be Honest
Yes, its important.
Better that people date you based on who you are, not how active your imagination is. I am shy
regardless of how many times I can type the word outgoing. Overweight isnt curvy so dont
try to sell it as such. If a night out for you is checking the mailbox to see if the Netflix came in, so
be it.
Better to leave facts out then to lie about them. Did I title my profile I AM SHY? No. I didnt
mention how out-going I was at all. Maybe Im not the assertive guy but that isnt what Im
selling. Always keep in mind that people use online dating services because they want to meet
someone. Chances are someone out there is looking for someone just like you, blemishes and
all. Present who you are, not who you think others want.
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As I update this in 2012, I will admit that for younger generations, proper spelling appears to be
less important. Id say if you were born before 1990, you should at least consider doing a
spellcheck. If after, 1990, I guess it depends on who you are and who youre looking for. Either
way, this advice may be less important than it once was for certain people.
Include a Photo
All the statistics suggest that without a photo, your profile will attract much less attention. Even
Match.com requires that you have a photo on your profile to take advantage of their 6 month
guarantee (be warned youll really have to be on the ball to take advantage of that guarantee!).
There are even services specifically geared to provide professional photos for your online
profile. This is just an option thougha simple (and recent) photo of yourself will work great.
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Description
Avoiding Elimination
Dont feel that you have to reveal every last detail about yourself.
Brevity
Your profile should only take a minute or two to read. If your profile
contains screens full of text youll want to think about slimming it down.
Dont obsess with trying being funny. Youll have plenty of time to win
them over when youre communicating. Trying to be funny hurts far
more profiles than it helps.
Stay Positive
Being negative in your profile can give people the wrong impression of
your personality. Remember: your profile is their first impression of you.
Dont list everything you dont want. Profiles written like drive away
contacts. Again, be concerned with the first impression youre providing.
Be Honest
Dont use pictures that are 5 years old, dont lie about your appearance
or height or whatever. You will meet some of these people and their first
thought when they meet you if you do this will be that you lied to them.
Now that weve covered the basics of what you should be keeping in mind as you write, lets
begin looking into a simple way to create your profile.
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intimidating process. So find a quiet place and grab a pencil and a piece of paper. Also, be
prepared to put some time into this. Some people will only spend a few minutes creating their
dating profile only to remain dating online for months with a sub-par profile. You should plan
on setting aside some time so you can really think your profile through.
Step 2: Thinking About Who You Are and What You Like
Here youre going to need to think at least 10 words or phrases that describe who you are and
some of the things you like. This may be more difficult than it sounds. If you have trouble
thinking of things, concentrate on how youve spent your time over the last week. What
hobbies have you pursued? Have you looked forward to watching particular shows or are you
reading any interesting books? If you didnt have any responsibilities for the next week, how
would you spend that time? Take the time to think about these things and write each item
down on your piece of paper. You should have at least 10 items here. Dont stop until you have
that many!
As an example, I would write the following items down for myself:
Homebody
my dachshund
video games
reading
Church
The Office
Blogging
computers
the Steelers
Counting Crows
Digg.com
Philosophy
my job
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Homebody
my dachshund
video games
reading
Church
The Office
Blogging
computers
the Steelers
Counting Crows
Digg.com
philosophy
my job
Ive eliminated video games and computers because theyre both a part of my life but by no
means do I need them to be a part of the life of the person I meet. Additionally, neither of
these areas is likely to help me have a connection with the women reading my profile. I also
remove philosophy, not because its a bad thing but because trying to make yourself sound
smart or funny in your profile can be a turn-off and I want to avoid even giving the appearance
of this.
Ive decided that Ill talk about being a homebody (that I prefer staying in over going out)
because it is a very large part of who I am. Ill also talk about my dog and my participation in my
church because of the role they have in my life and then Ill talk about the musical group
Counting Crows for a little extra insight into who I am. Ill also include some about my job as it
will provide me a good opening to my profile.
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In this example, Ive made an effort to expand on each of the important areas I identified in
Step 3. Also, youll notice I dont come out and say Im a homebody. I dont want to introduce
anything into my profile that might be negative but at the same time I really do enjoy a quiet
evening on the couch with someone I love over being out. Instead of bluntly stating this, I
emphasize this fact as I describe myself throughout this section of my profile.
Patient
Caring
emotionally solid
independent
playful
Im very loyal, especially to my friends and those I care about. I value the idea of having
standards and standing by your word, even when doing so becomes inconvenient. I believe that
Im emotionally steady and very little gets me upset or angry. Im also very caring and as a line
from one of my favorite movies says, its just as important for me to love as it is for me to be
loved.
Step 6: Thinking About Qualities You Want in The Person You Date
Just as was done with personal traits/hobbies, youre going write a list of the most important
thing you would like to find in the people you date. This list doesnt need to be as long as the
previous one but be sure to really think about what is important to you. Again, this list will be
fine-tuned by identifying which areas are most important to you and which ones can be left
out. Below will be the list of qualities I would like already fine-tuned and following that will be
my next paragraph of my profile:
Caring
understanding
creative
willing to compromise
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Christian
intelligent
The woman Im looking to date is very caring; she is someone her friends and family refer to as
sweet. She is intelligent and creative and helps me see the world in a new way. Because of my
commitment to my faith, she is either a Christian or open to discussions on faith and learning
about mine. If this woman sounds like you, feel free to contact me.
Here I eliminated the qualities that I thought might be misunderstood or, if Im honest, the ones
I had trouble deciding how to describe it.
At this point, you would take each of these sections youve written out and create the full
profile on your dating site of choice. If you wanted to add any additional sections, feel free to. I
realize this profile isnt very long but I actually think the length is fine. I was able to express
whats important to me which is much more important than the length. If your profile is more
than double the length of this sample one you may want to consider shortening it some.
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for. Not only that, giving the impression that youll settle for anyone in unattractive. No one
wants to be that special anyone, they want to be that special someone.
Reason 4: You Dont Need to Prove that Youre Nice
Some people want to include something nice or encouraging in their profile and see including a
statement like I hope you decide to contact me! as the way to do it. Yes, that is a nice
statement but as Ive shown above it may do more harm than good. Just as you dont need to
prove that youre funny in your profile, you also dont need to prove that youre nice.
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Does Your Dating Profile Photo Say What You Think It Does?
A study had shown that your appearance in a photo reveals a lot about you. Later I discussed
why picking the right photo for your dating profile, even without this study to prove it, is very
important.
Newsweek covers this same study in far greater detail in an article called Making a Digital First
Impression and a part of the article covered a real-world example of this with online dating.
One of the more interesting things covered in Newsweeks article was that fact that while other
people are very good at judging us based on our photos, many times were oblivious to the
message were sending. We might think we look content or confident but other see us as angry
or shy. From the article:
Research has shown that people are often clueless about how theyre viewed on the
basis of their online profiles. A lot of the time we think we come across a certain way,
but we dont, says Simine Vazire, an assistant professor of psychology who runs
Washington Universitys Personality and Self-Knowledge Lab and an author of the study.
On the Internet, thats multiplied by a million, so we should be careful about how we
broadcast ourselves.
If thats true, its probably a good idea for everyone who dates online to step back and look at
their photos. Look at your photos as if you were looking at a stranger. What do those photos
say about you? Make sure the story your pictures are telling is the correct one!
Some interesting points from the article included:
People were able to judge others based on the photos in 9 of 10 personality traits which
included: political orientation, outgoingness, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional
stability, openness, likability, self-esteem, loneliness, and religiosity. Kind of crazy. Some of
those are fairly surprising to me, like political orientation and religion.
How you stand and how you smile (or dont) reveals the biggest clues about who you are.
Social sites such as Facebook or Myspace reveal even more about your personality. Out-going
people have more friends, post more often and so on. The article suggests this might explain
why these services are popular: were online but were still being ourselves.
Even knowing this information, its difficult to influence how people judge you. The article also
suggests that a single dating profile photo isnt going to affect all that much.
Remember, having the right profile photo isnt about lying. Its about making sure that youre
telling the truth about who you are.
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Responding to Winks
Guys, if you get a wink, dont bring it up when you contact her. The I couldnt help noticing you
noticing me may work at the bar if shes had enough to drink but lets assume youll be dealing
with someone who is sober. Treat wink responses as if you are initiating the conversation.
When a girl smiles at a guy at the bar, he will convince himself that he is taking some great risk
approaching her. In reality, she has already decided how successful their conversation will be
before he gets within ten feet of her. So take a cue from the bar guy and make the same wrong
assumptions regarding your near-heroic levels of risk by pretending youre making the
decisions. Any other response is breaking thousands of years of tradition.
Ladies, receiving a wink from a guy may not feel like something worth responding to when
other guys are writing you full emails but try to give the winkers a chance. Shy guys can be
great guys!
Also, while it is reasonable to wonder if you get a wink because the other person is not paying,
dont try to account for this possibility in your response. In other words, dont include some line
like, Just in case you dont pay heres my contact information. I did this early on and it never
worked. I now believe that this came off as a little desperate. If they really like your profile,
theyll shell out the money to continue the conversation and if not they were wasting your time
in the first placeand do you really want to play that game? Lets be honest here, most
monthly online dating subscriptions cost far less than a single date would. Its not that much
money if they really want to have a chat.
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contact someone for a week or so after viewing them, in my mind, gave me an appearance of
low-desperation and thus a lower potential-stalker factor. Clearly, I am an over-thinker but I still
stick by this idea.
Finally, as with winking, dont bring up the fact that you saw they were viewing your profile if
you decide to contact them. Again, were trying to avoid the creepy factor here.
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First Contact
For this discussion email refers to whatever method the service you are using allows you to
write a message to another member. I write this more towards the guys but to any assertive
ladies out there I think the advice is still valid.
This area is where I made the biggest mistakes for the longest period of time when dating
online. I would write overly long and, in my head, witty emails that very rarely received
responses. Once, I wrote no less than two pages based on a girls heading to her profile. The
HEADING! I thought I was making conversation but all I was making was a girl scared. I really did
mean well. I just didnt know what I was doing.
My rule here is very simple: keep your first email very short. Give anything longer than three
sentences a good, hard look before sending. There are several reasons I suggest short first
emails.
Your profile is what you use to sell yourself, not your first email. While I feel that your
profile should be a constant battle between brevity and substance, it should definitely
hold enough for someone to make a decision about communicating with you. If it
doesnt, dont try and fix that in your emails: go back to your profile and improve that
first. The email should be the bait to get someone to view your profile.
If they dont like your profile, long-winded emails are a waste of your time.
You have to keep your weird factor low. Never forget that you are battling the bad
impressions created by every weird person who has come before you.
For reasons beyond my comprehension, short emails can come off as confident. Worded
wrongly they can come off as cocky but even that is more acceptable than psycho.
So what do you include in this short introductory email? First, try to include something that
proves you read their profile. Many guys out there spam the same email to every girl they find
attractive; most girls catch on to this and then look for it in other emails. Second, if you find
something in a profile that you have in common with or if there is something you like about the
profile, mention that (if there are multiple things you really like, just mention one). Finally, Id
recommend asking a question. Often this can be about a common interest but any question is
better than none. If you cant think of any questions, why not ask them out on a date?
One optional approach to emailing is something I call exaggerated excitement. That is, if I had
something slightly in common with the profile I was reading, I would express more excitement
about the similarity than truly existed. I wouldnt flat-out lie but I would make a bigger deal of
things than was true. For example, I enjoy an occasional day walking around a big city. If
someone mentioned this in her profile I wouldnt say I like going to big cities, too. I would say
I love strolling through the city tooalthough some days I think I must be the only one!.
Saying that I love walking through the city is a stretch but I would want to add some strength to
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my statement. I feel that most emotion is lost in online communication (and anyone who has
used a smiley face in emails agrees with me). To avoid this, I would try to show my true level of
interest by exaggerating it. Also, I felt that making someone feel liked early on would help
them feel more comfortable and more likely to respond.
Sample Emails
Lets look at a few real profiles, albeit very short ones, and Ill write a first email that I would
send if I were interested in meeting the girl. The first profile is what I would consider a normal
email where contact is made but not much else. The next two are special cases where asking
the girl out occurs in the first email. In my online dating life, it was uncommon for me to ask a
girl out in the first email but I felt that in both the second and third example, it was the best
option based off of the profile.
Ill be changing the profiles to avoid intruding on someones life but will keep the general ideas
the same.
Profile 1:
I am a XX year old looking for a nice guy to get to know and have a wonderful time together. I
am a very outgoing person and enjoy all types of activities. My friends say Im very outgoing but
I think Im shy when first meeting people. I work full-time as a real estate agent. I am very
sociable and enjoy being around people. If you would like to get to know me, just send me a
message.
This young lady devoted half of her profile to talking, in some fashion, about being sociable.
This seems like one of the better points of focus when writing the email:
Response:
Hi Id like to get to know you so heres your message! I love being sociable too and liked what I
was seeing in your profile. Have you ever gone swing dancing?
My approach here is to be positive but brief. I make it clear I read her profile and that Im
interested in who she is. I dont ask her out but the swing dancing reference is there to say If
you write back, I just might. I chose swing dancing because Ive done it a few times and by
mentioning it Im backing up the statement that I enjoy social activity. The goal here is to get
her interest, have her look at my profile and if she likes what she sees, move forward.
Profile 2:
I am crazy, unique and creative. Everyday boring life turns into an adventure along with me!
Born and raised in [a city] looking for someone to curl up watch a movie with or football or just
hang out. A little facial hair is a plus and someone with an awesome personality is key! Im cute
but of course not looking for a stalker so I choose to remain a mystery until you contact me!
Hope to hear from you soon.
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Now this is someone I would not likely contact but Im trying to be fair by grabbing profiles at
random, not just those I can write an email to easiest. She openly admits concern over stalkers
(enough concern that shes included no photo of herself) so not coming off as weird is very
important. However, something about her profile makes me feel like she may not respond to
many emails, perhaps due to her confidence in what she wants, so Im more willing to take a
risk. The important parts again are to not come off as a stalker and to be brief. In this case Im
going to play off her professed likes by attempting to be unique and creative when I write my
email:
Reponse:
gab dnuop evif a ni nuf fo sdnuop net ekil dnuos uoY
!em ot ecap fo egnahc taerg a ekil sdnuos euqinu dna evitaerc
?keew siht retal erutnevda na otni eeffoc fo puc a gninrut tuoba leef uoy dluow who
Id title the email something like Mirror, Mirror. Would this work? Chances are no, but if it
does shes really going to enjoy it. Even in the case where she decides it is horribly corny, she
might appreciate the unique quality it had. I still keep the email short and include information
that proves Ive actually read her profile. I also ask her out in the first email because:
someone adventurous doesnt want to email for long they want to meet people
Im asking before Ive seen a picture which may improve my odds of not being stalker
material.
Profile 3:
Hi! I am XX years old I love living life to its fullest. I travel every chance I can and love being
around those I share things in common with.
This is an example of how sometimes profiles are too short and give you no clues to who the
person is. With this type of profile, I always felt like simply asking them out on safe date in the
first email is fine. Theres not too much to work with here aside from asking travel questions
(and by looking at her profile this probably happens in every email she receives). In this case, Id
just flat out ask her out. I know this looks like nothing but Ive had success with these types of
emails (my wife being the best example):
Response:
Hello! I liked your profile would you be interested in having lunch at [someplace safe like a
local diner/bookstore/coffee shop]?
For all these examples, Ive intentionally chosen profiles that were very short to keep the
examples to a reasonable size. Most profiles should have much more information for you to
work with but the same ideas apply. Keep your emails short and positive. Also, regardless what
any book or person tells you, better to listen to your gut and break any rules (such as keeping
the email short) when you think it would work to your favor. For example, in the Profile 3,
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creating an invitation to have a drink that looked like a travel itinerary might work well if she
had mentioned enjoying creativity or if her profile was very creative. Everything else aside, just
coming off as normal goes a long way.
Finally, if you would like to see what your emails should not look like, there are plenty of them
discussed here.
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An Absence of Responses
Again, I envision more men doing the contacting than women so this is more for them. However,
this advice does apply to women: both those who are contacting men and those who feel like
they are not getting enough contacts.
There is a good chance you will want to be hard on yourself when after five or ten attempts at
contacting people youve had no responses. Before you label yourself as the Worst Profile
Creator Ever or anything else equally untrue, review all the reasons why you may not get
responses. Do not assume there is something wrong with you or your profile. Below is a list of
reasons I know occur simply from talking to the girls I dated or from talking to friends.
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Curiosity
Sometimes people sign up just to view other profiles. When I was dating, some of my friends
signed up just to view my profile (because I asked them to). Additionally, I know a few couples
who signed up for eHarmony just to take the test and see if it would match the two of them up.
In all of these cases, someone signs up with no intention of ever using the profile. Many sites do
show the last login for members which is helpful but many will not get more specific than Has
not logged in for 1 month.
General Reluctance
Never forget that while online dating is always gaining more acceptance it is still relatively new.
I have to believe that some people, especially shy people or traditionalist, have the best
intentions but once communication begins become fearful and cannot follow through.
Other Issues
A friend who uses online dating will absolutely not talk to engineers because her ex-husband is
an engineer. In most cases, being an engineer is a good thing (well paying job, stability, etc). I
know she has been matched several times with engineers on eHarmony but does not respond
to these men. I also know that if these guys had to create a list of why she did not respond to
them My well paying job would not be at the top of that list! So not receiving a response may
occur because of a quality about yourself that is, in and of itself, quite good but that the other
person does not like. There are many nonsensical issues that people make their decisions based
on that have nothing to do directly with you or your profile so make no assumptions!
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Now I have taken all these reasons and assigned my best guess for values for each to create A
Pie Chart of Feeling Better About Ones Self above. While this chart doesnt have research to
back it up, neither does assuming that every time you dont get a response its because you are
doing something wrong. Based on this chart, only 1 in 5 emails receive no response because
they didnt like your profile. I know there is no science behind these numbers but I also know
these numbers are more likely to be correct than the assumption that every lack of response is
your own fault. I also know I didnt think of every reason a response is not written!
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When to Ask
Sooner rather than later. The first date should be planned not long after communication has
begun. It is personal preference on how long to wait but there are very few reasons to delay.
After all, contacting someone is just a pre-cursor to the first date. Its not as if you hoping to
chat with someone and end it there. You want to talk with them and if things go well meet
them.
One common reason to delay a first date is due to an attempt to learn more about the other
person. I dont think this is a very good reason: I found the first few minutes of the first date are
worth more than dozens of emails.
Another reason to delay would be if the person you are communicating with has expressed
extreme reservations about meeting people from the internet. I once talked to a woman for
two months before we met. She was very nice and we got along well so I was willing to
communicate but let her know Id be talking to others while she gained comfort with who I was.
This reason is acceptable especially considering that women have to operate with more caution
than their male counterparts.
In general, I think an invitation to meet should come by the third email you send. By this point
you have talked back and forth twice and can measure how well you are getting along. You will
be able to judge the situation better as you communicate: sometimes youll get a date on your
first email, other times you may realize a few weeks of communication would be best.
I found that people will not be offended if you suggest a first date before they are ready. In my
experience, the other person would offer an excuse but continue communicating with me. In
this case, I suggest waiting a few days (continuing the email conversations) and then ask again.
Unless reservations were clearly expressed about meeting someone from the internet, I would
not ask more than three times. There are some people out there who are looking to make
online friends or live fantasies out in their head without any intention of actually meeting.
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Other times, people are just reluctant to meet you because they are still trying to decide if they
like you. After a while, either of these cases is a waste of your time. A grown woman (or man if
the lady is asking) can decide in a few weeks if they would like to meet someone looking for a
pen pal should do so somewhere else. Your time is valuable and should be used to
communicate with people truly interested in meeting you.
Ladies, if youre talking to a guy and things are going great but he just wont ask you out, give
him some encouragement or just go ahead and ask him. As Ive said before, there are some
really great guys out there who just struggle to make that move. If you get frustrated, dont
start to ignore him! You might be throwing something really great away. Just throw him a
simple Hey Ill be over by such-and-such tomorrow we should grab a coffee! and things
should get back on track.
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Limiting the time of the first date is a safety precaution: if you end up on a nightmare of a date
youve already established an out. If on the other hand the date is going excellent, suggest to
your date that you extend it. Your date might remind you of your time constraint (But I
thought you needed to be home at 8). If so, tell the truth. People who are dating online
actively will appreciate your planning for a bad date and like the fact that you are saying to
them this is a good date. If you would rather not let them in on your planning for the worstdate-scenario, just say that youd prefer to cancel your previous plans and spend your evening
with them. Either way you approach it, they wont mind if they are having a good time. If they
insist you not break your plans you may want to evaluate how well the date is going!
On my first date with my wife, I schedule a one hour date at a diner. After the hour was over, I
explained that I only extend the good dates and since ours was a great date would she be up for
miniature golf (she was). In contrast, many of my dates ended in the first hour we had originally
planned for.
This approach is a cousin to the having-your-friend-call-you-and-faking-an-emergency act that
some people think is so slick. I think planning ahead and bowing out gracefully is a much
classier approach.
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Ladies, it is always within your right to suggest another location to meet if the man you are
speaking to suggests something you dont feel comfortable with. While online dating isnt any
more dangerous than any other form, you should still keep your safety a priority.
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aside, it appears that many people are taking the approach described in option B. This is a great
way to end up in a bad relationship. Temporary happiness will occur if you accept anyone who
will accept you but when the initial newness wears off, most will realize they dont even like
the person they are with. In this way, option B is as bad as option A.
This means that the only reasonable way to approach dating is by determining if your date is
what YOU are looking for. Your date should be doing the same with you but neither party
should be trying to force themselves into the mold of what the other person wants.
If any of the above sounds like you, you need to stop concentrating on yourself when dating.
Stop thinking about dating as if you were the salesman and start looking for what you desire.
Youre there to meet someone new so concentrate on him or her. Someone who measures a
successful date based on how much they believe the other person liked them is doing
themselves a disservice. How much your date liked you is only half of the equation. No one
signs up for a dating service thinking, Im going to find someone who offers nothing of what
Im looking for but, boy, are they going to like me!. It sounds silly when stated that way but
many of us approach dating like this without even realizing it.
Does any of this mean you shouldnt care about yourself at all and go on a date looking like a
slob? Of course not. It means that you should look nice but because you respect yourself, not
because you want to impress someone you may never speak to again.
Finally, once you are to the point where you are choosing to pass on certain dates (where you
are truly looking for what you want) try to accept that it is a two-way street. If you meet
someone you really like who in turn does not like you, accept it as part of the process. Dont
look at it as failure. Plain and simple, you just werent a match.
My friend should not have even come close to blaming himself. He should have said She was a
total bore. Im looking for someone who can carry intelligent and fun conversations anywhere.
If she couldnt do that in the art gallery, chances are she wouldnt have anything interesting to
say anywhere we go. This was a very important mindset for me to adopt which led to truly
successful dating.
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Second Dates
Unless you are already extremely comfortable dating, you should almost always try to schedule
second dateseven if you feel like it wont lead to anything beyond that. Again, this is about
getting the experience to become more comfortable.
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There are a few exceptions to this. First, if it was a horrible date, dont try going through it all
over again. Second, if you feel like your date really liked you but you felt nothing in return,
dont lead them on.
Ignoring those cases, second dates are great experience because you should be moving beyond
the introductory small talk. Youve now met your date and, seeing that he or she wasnt
scary, are more willing to have a fun date such as bowling or miniature golf or possibly a
movie.
Additionally, when I knew I had no intention of a third date, my confidence was through the
roof on the second. I was there to gain comfort and to have a nice evening with a new friend.
The great thing about this high level of comfort is that it seemed to carry over onto other first
dates.
Also, the more I dated the more refined my mental checklist for what I was looking for became.
My top list of traits desired in a woman was drastically different at the end of my dating life
than it was at the beginning thanks in large part to the number of women I truly tried to learn
about.
One last plus to the second date: youre not the only one who is nervous. Your date may have
been so nervous on your first date that they represented themselves horribly. The second date
gives them some confidence that you accept who they are and allows them a chance to show
what they are really like. You might even find out that you like who they are on the second date
much more than the first! Oh, and looks shouldnt matter (at least not for one more date!). You
may not like them solely because there is a lack of physical attraction but youre not going to
start a serious relationship just have another night out. For me, lack of attraction was no
excuse to avoid a second date.
Location
Be sure to select somewhere you are comfortable. Because I tend to be a quiet talker, Ive
never been comfortable at a bar. However, I tried meeting several girls at bars in my early
dating days. I thought everyone meets at bars so I have to as well or Ill come off as strange.
Well, on those dates I came off as strange anyway so I found it better to just select a location
where I could have a chance. Better to be comfortable at a diner than uncomfortable at the
nicest restaurant in town. If the only thing your date enjoys is the location, chances are youre
not going to make it far.
Initial Meeting
When you initially meet, greet in a fashion that you are comfortable with. Dont go for a hug if
you know youll go rigid as soon as you touch. Handshakes can beodd, but better a
comfortable handshake than uncomfortable and possibly insincere hug. Any discomfort caused
early on (and you dont get earlier than those first few seconds) is hard to shake off. I am not
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comfortable with contact with those Ive just met so normally if they approached me they
might get half a hug (one arm around her shoulders briefly) but more often I would just jump
right into conversation and make my first act holding a door for her.
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Discovery
This refers to parts of your conversation where you are discovering if who you have just met
has what you are looking for. This is important to mention because you are looking for
particular qualities whether youve admitted it or not. Early on, there may not be much you
care to discover; this was the case for me. However, the more I dated, the more qualities I
identified as desirable.
Be patient when trying to learn about the person you are dating. Dont turn a fun evening into
an interview. If your date balks at answering some questions, just leave them unanswered and
move on to lighter conversation. The only reason to learn everything about your date right
away is if you are assuming there is only going to be one date.
Small-talk
It is important to be able to have light-hearted conversations to prevent your date from
becoming too impersonal. Its up to you what you want to talk about but I would recommend
being open to discussing your online dating experiences. I found this made for excellent smalltalk and I also found that once I started, my dates had stories that they were excited to share.
There were frequently My dates have been worse than yours competitions that were both
friendly and fun. A good example of what I would use would be how on my first online date, my
date told me that she had once been a call-girl.
Just be careful not to turn fun conversation into a complaint-fest. Start doing that and your
date may be talking about YOU the next time shes discussing her worst online dates. You may
not have any interesting stories but that doesnt make discussing online dating a bad idea. I
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went so far as to share the horror stories that women shared with me on later dates. For
example, even if I didnt have a good story to share I could still counter one of their horror date
stories with one that a previous date had shared with me. Thats nothing, I would say, one
girl I met recently had been called by a guy she had just met three times before she even got
home!. No one ever took offense that I was sharing others stories: the truth is, everyone,
myself included, just loves to hear that theyre not the only ones struggling.
Also, I would ask general questions like how long she had been online dating, if she had any
success, if she gets a lot of contacts, and other non-intrusive conversations. Aside from making
excellent small-talk, these conversations also humanize you. Youre no longer some (potentially
weird) person they have just met. Youre another person trying, just like they are, and finding
things can be more difficult than anticipated.
Aside from the fun of discussing online dating, using their profile to fuel other small-talk is a
great idea. Favorite television shows, hobbies, professions and most other specifics provided in
the profile are excellent topics because, chances are, she will want to talk about these things. I
would also recommend keeping up on current events (even though I found most of my dates
werent doing the same) and finding some other light-hearted conversation material. One
example for me was a study about dating. I live in Pittsburgh and at the time my city had been
voted the worst city for singles. This conversation always resulted in good discussion on my
dates.
A final good small-talk topic I found was telling self-deprecating, but funny, stories. These types
of conversations managed to turn a few uncomfortable dates into comfortable, or at least
bearable, ones. For example, on some dates I would bring up favorite vacations and talk about
a road trip I had taken with friends. I had it in my head that I could drive to Myrtle Beach from
Pittsburgh in one shot even after a work day. While I did make it, I was so tired I parked in a
parking lot to sleep. It was raining but was also hot so for the next few hours everyone in the
car was fighting over being hot or being wet. While this isnt a laugh-out-loud story, this type of
conversation helped smooth out more than a few bumpy first-date conversations. I believe that
willingness to share potentially embarrassing can bring a conversation from formal to casual.
These stories also show that you dont take yourself too seriously (and hopefully you dont).
Sharing
It is important to share with your date the things that you feel make you who you are. Anything
that you would be unwilling to change about yourself but that you worry a mate may wish to
change is a good candidate for sharing. Some topics, such as a love of travel, are very easy to
bring up. Others, like a desire to move in a few years, are more difficult to just come out and
discuss. One way I found to lead the conversation to these topics is to simply ask the question
you want to answer. Once your date has answered the question just stop controlling the
conversation that is, stop talking. Most of the time, theyll ask you what you just asked them.
Most people will see through this (I was called out on it several times) but I never met anyone
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offended by the tactic. If anything, my dates seemed amused. On a good day, your date will be
putting in effort to find out who you are, so this tactic will hopefully be rarely needed. On the
other hand, if halfway through your date you realize youve only talked about them, this may be
a red flag that your date isnt very interested in you! The one thing your date may like about
you is that you give them a chance to talk about themselves!
A good conversation should be healthy amounts of both sharing and questioning. Dont feel like
you need to explain in full detail who you are on your first date, though. It is okay to leave a
little mystery about who you are! In my experience those dates who seemed desperate to
share as much as possible on the first date shared far too much.
Developing a Script
Chances are youll never be on a date where you can plan out the conversation in any large
part. Still, its a good idea to create a mental list of topics to cover. The dreaded uncomfortable
silence that can happen on any date doesnt normally kill the date. However, if these silences
come too early or too often they can make both daters very uncomfortable. Below is an
example script pretty close to what I had mentally prepared when I was dating. These were
items I would keep in mind to keep the conversation moving if it wasnt taking on a life of its
own.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
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Taboo Topics
Youll find lists everywhere about what to not talk about on a first date. Sex, politics and
religion are often at the top, although recently I saw an article that said talking about your pets
would doom any date (dont ask me I see no problem with this). Ive found that lists like this
are good general guidelines but that every situation is different.
For example, when I met my wife for the first time, a big part of why I contacted her was
because of our religious similarities. This seems like safe ground to cover to me at the time (it
was). We also discussed politics on our first date but when I sensed she didnt like that we
disagreed on some ideas I abandoned the conversation quickly.
My advice would be to trust yourself more than some list of dos or donts. If your date listed
being a member of the Rainbow and Butterfly Tree-hugging Club in their profile but youre the
president of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy Fan Club, hopefully youll have the sense to count
political discussion as being out (as long as you can accept views different from yours in your
partner). On the other hand, dont talk about something youre not comfortable with just
because some other list says you should. Personally, I never brought up sex because I would
have been uncomfortable doing so. Healthy conversation is fueled by the comfort of both you
and your date. Dont go and slow the conversation down because you think you need to cover
certain topics. Use your head and remember that one topic will be great for some dates and
horrible for others. Lists of suggested dos and donts arent bad but it is bad to adopt a
universal rule for every date.
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My readers thoughts were that something was going wrong but I feel that he was extremely
close to having a ton of great dates based on what he described. Remember: sometimes when
someone does all the talking its not a bad sign but a good one!
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Finally, even before you meet you should be prepared to keep the conversation moving, as Ive
already discussed in this guide.
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If youve established that you are having money issues prior to the date, its fair for each
of you to pay for yourself.
If you offer and she declines, thats fine. I dont think its necessary to force the issue.
Its fine to try to convince her but dont be stubborn. Just say, Id really like to do this
for you. If she wants to pay for herself, allow her to. Remember: its about respect.
Active dating, especially online dating, can get expensive. Unfortunately for you, this
isnt an excuse to avoid paying for her. My approach when I was having several first
dates a week was to always try to make sure we did something like coffee or meeting at
a bookstore to keep the costs down. Save the dinner dates for when you suspect theres
a real connection prior to meeting.
First dates are a sensitive event. Not only are you analyzing her every word and action,
shes doing the same to you. Dont ruin a great date by sending her an unintentional
message when it comes time to pay.
Ladies, I think each date should be measured on its own merits. Just because my friend broke
things off when the men didnt pay doesnt mean everyone should. If things are going great
aside from this single fact, I would ask that you consider to give the man another chance. He
may just have temporarily lost his mind talking to you. After my first date with my wife, I forgot
to ask for her phone number. Not because I didnt want it but because I was on cloud 9 and
simply wasnt thinking. Things arent always as they appear.
I actually tried to convince my friend that she should give one of the men a second chance since
there seemed to be some connection between them. She could not be moved, though. She said
shed been down that road before and she had no interest in dealing with it again. She wanted
someone who is truly interested in her and she wanted him to be willing to show it.
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Staying Safe
Whenever dating, whether online or not, you need to keep your safety in mind. This is
especially true for the ladies out there. However, dont think that online dating is somehow
more dangerous than other forms of dating. Any time you are dating someone you dont know
very well you should exercise extra caution. This is true of blind dates, newspaper ads, speed
dating, or just meeting someone at a bar. I believe online dating gets more attention because of
how new it is but all dating like this deserves some caution.
For some good guidelines, check out the Safe Online Dating Alliance. I definitely dont agree
with every suggestion they make but they are obviously erring on the side of caution and thats
not a bad thing. Next Ill discuss some of the common scams associated with online dating so
you could spot the scammer early on.
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Additional Scams
Online Dating Scams: The 419 Scam
The Romance Scam is often mentioned in relation to the 419 scam (also referred to as the
Nigerian scam). The standard 419 scam involves the scammer offering you a large sum of
money if you help them move that money out of the country they are currently in. For example,
they may want to send you a check for $50,000 and will allow you to keep $10,000 of it if you
will cash it for them. They will then create a fake check and send it to you. You deposit the
check and then wire them their portion of the money. They will request that you send their
share back to them by a wire service such as Western Union because money wires cannot be
cancelled. Once the bank realizes that the funds were fraudulently entered all of the funds will
be removed from your bank account. You will owe the total amount you deposited to your
bank, regardless of how much you wired back to the scammer.
Generally speaking, the 419 scam isnt specifically related to online dating. So why mention it?
Many times perpetrators of the Romance Scam will move from one scam to the other. For
example, they may ask you for a small sum of money for a family operation. They offer to repay
you ten-fold if you will just lend them the small amount. You send them $1,000 and good to
their word, they send you a check for $50,000 and allow you to keep $10,000 of it. You cash the
check and wire them their $40,000. A few days later, your bank informs you that you are now
in-debt to them for a sum of all $50,000 (plus youre out the original $1000 you sent).
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If you think about this, it can be a little disturbing. Why would someone go through all the
trouble of stealing a credit card to open dating account? Many sinister ideas come to
mindwhat does this person plan to do to his date that would require he remain anonymous?
Scary. However, I do not believe that this is the real reason behind using a credit card for online
dating accounts. What is the main reason, then? My suspicion is this: spam.
The account is opened so the scammer can contact as many people as possible in an attempt to
get their personal email account. Once theyve collected a batch of personal emails, the
massive amounts of spam begin. Why do I suspect this is the goal and not something more evil?
Most credit card fraud is recognized quickly these days. This means that in most cases the
scammer only has a few days to use the account before it is closed due to the fraud being
recognized. The account which was opened using my credit card was only open for few days
before I contacted the dating service and had it closed. Also, in my case the dating service was
willing to give me details on the account that was opened: it was opened as a middle-aged
divorced woman. Seems unlikely to be the approach a scammer would take if they were looking
to trick someone into meeting them. It seems far more likely that the scammer posed as a
single woman and emailed hundreds of men with an email similar to the following:
My account at this site is running out in a few days but if you give me your personal email
account Id love to talk to you some more! Please contact me quickly, I only have a short time
left!
Occasionally, you can even see this suspicious activity while simply browsing a site. Not long
ago while reviewing a dating service I noticed that there were a few scantily clad women shown
as some of my best matches. They stuck out in a big way because the site is geared towards
those serious about meeting someone. The profiles, especially when compared to the others
around them, were very suspicious. Not long after I noticed that both of the half-naked profiles
had been removed. Now I have no idea what actually happened here but its within the realm
of possibility that these accounts were being used to mass mail all the members of the site to
harvest personal email accounts. I realize that it seems like a lot of work just to get emails for
spam but I believe it is happening.
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can communicate with each other fine. Using your personal email account does make
communication easier but this should occur after some period of time, not after the first email
they send.
Are they new to the service?
Most dating services flag members as being new. This is mainly to help current members
recognize the new possibilities in the dating service membership. However, this flag provides
you with some information that allows you to exercise extra caution. Someone that is both new
to the service and also wants your personal email address is a major suspect. If you find
yourself convinced that this beautiful person really does desperately want to talk to you via
your personal email, give this try: wait one week. In most cases, I suspect youll see the profile
disappear before that week is out.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where people are always looking for new ways to take
advantage of each other. These are the scams that Im aware of but dont view this as an
exhaustive list. Always exercise caution when things dont feel right (or when money is
introduced, regardless of the reason). Online dating is a great way to meet people but, just as in
the real-world, you need to take precautions to keep yourself safe.
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2. You will now be required to fill in the standard sign-up information such as first and last
name, a login name for you email account and so one. When selecting your login, best
to select it in such a way that it doesnt reveal anything about you. Dont using
something like Sarah301Preston when your name is Sarah and you live on 301 Preston
Avenue! Hopefully this goes without saying!
3. Once all the boxes are filled in, click I accept and create my account. You may then
need to click on Take me to my account. Now youre all set up with your new email
account.
4. Now that youre in your new email account, click on the Settings link in the upper right.
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6. Select the radio button labeled Forward a copy of incoming mail to and then enter
your primary email address in the text box. In the example below, you would replace
you@youremail.com with your actual email.
Save the settings and thats it! Youre all set up. Now when you give out an email address when
online dating, youll give this address. Any email sent to this address will also be forwarded to
your main account so youll never miss a beat.
If you are concerned that someone is not who they say they are or if you suspect they
are lying about their appearance, suggest a webcam. Pay careful attention to how they
react. Webcams are cheap and easy to use so any excuses about the webcam being
broken or not being able to afford one should be viewed as suspect. Ladies, most men
will buy a webcam after 7 words from you: I really want to show you something. Then
when they buy the webcam show them that beautiful smile!
If they wont go for a webcam, ask for more photos. If they refuse or provide more
photos but you are still suspicious, you may want to share your concerns with them. Let
them know, in a kind way, that you want to be careful with online dating and some of
their actions are causing you concern. If they are truly interested in you they will
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understand. If they still offer convincing excuses why they cant provide you with more
information or if you are still suspicious, look into the remaining tools.
2. Now browse to Tineye.com and right-click on the search box on the right and select
paste. This will paste the location of the image into the search box. Now click search.
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Well, look at that! It looks like Megan Fox has been contacting me all this time!
Obviously Im being scammed here. Megan Fox is probably not the best example for this since
shes recognizable but you get the idea. If someone is grabbing pictures of models off of the
internet and using them as their own this process can help you identify that. Tineye may not
return any results when you do your search but in many cases thats good. However, just
because Tineye doesnt have the photo youre searching for in their database doesnt mean the
photo is legit! Tineye is still growing and only has a small portion of the images on the internet
indexed.
Searching Pipl
Pipl is an extremely powerful and easy to use people search engine. You can search the
database for people by their name and city, by their email address, by their user name and also
by their phone number. The service will return information from public records, online
newspapers, social sites and other areas. Ive used this service for many different reasons and
have had success with it in most cases: searching for my aunts phone number, looking for an
old high school friend, and so on. In some ways this tool is scary (brave enough to search
Copyright 2007-2013 by DatingAdviceGuy.com
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yourself?). Keep in mind that using this service is an intrusive thing to do and I would only
recommend using it if you have serious suspicions regarding your potential date. The results of
this service are self-explanatory and Ive had luck find people with all four types of searches
(including user name surprisingly enoughturns out most of us use the same user id over and
over).
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2. On the far right there should be a down arrow. Click this and select Show Original.
3. This will display the full header text of the email. In this text, look for the last instance of
Received: from. Next to this will be an IP address, a number separated by periods.
Write down this number. In the example below our number is 24.131.241.24. Keep in
mind there may be several Received: from sections and you want to select the last
one (Ive removed most of the text from my example below to save space, yours will
contain much more information). Be aware that if you select the wrong numbers, youll
get the wrong location. If you are unsure if you are selecting the correct number you
may want to test this process by sending yourself an email from a different account.
4. Browse to whatismyip.com and enter the IP address in the IP box. So in this case I would
enter 24.131.241.24. The results would then show where that IP address is located. In
this case, it shows Pittsburgh which is correct!
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As long as people are using online dating, there will be other people looking to take advantage
of them. Knowledge of these scams will help you protect yourself but the bad guys are always
looking for new ways to trick people. If you feel like something strange is going on but it doesnt
fall into a scam category listed here, I would recommend the following:
Listen to your gut! If something feels wrong, it probably is. I would recommend ending
any relationship where you dont feel safe or you feel like youre being lied to. There are
many, many people using online dating services and your time would be better spent
talking to someone you can trust.
If youre not ready to end a relationship just because things dont feel right at the very
least take things extremely slow. Exercise extra caution and patience. Time may reveal
why your gut was telling you something wasnt right.
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First, going on a diet is hard work and sometimes the only thing that keeps us going is
whatever motivates us. I believe being a member of an online dating community is far
more motivating than looking from the outside in. Its a constant reminder that there
are opportunities out there.
Second, you might actually find someone who likes you regardless of your weight. You
cant expect this to happen every day but it still does happen. Sites like BBW Personals
even cater to those who are over-weight and those who dont mind dating someone
who is.
Third, the more you date the more comfortable youll become on your first dates. This is
more important than you might think.
The one exception is based on a question: how well do you handle rejection? Because youre
going to have to deal with it. Even if you were thin as a rail you would have to deal with it. For
those people out there who are hyper-sensitive to rejection, and especially those who are this
way because of their weight, you may want to lose the weight before dating. One of the worst
feelings with internet dating is not being contacted by anyone for an extended period of time. If
you think this will depress you and only drive you away from dating, then better to not put
yourself in that situation. Youre going to have to accept that online dating is often difficult and
rejection is a real part of it.
As a side note, I did take my own advice when dating online. When I first started online dating:
I was extremely thin (135 pounds at six feet tall). While women are more forgiving than
men when it comes to looks, there are plenty of women who find this look unattractive
to the point that they wouldnt date me (I had one woman explicitly state this ouch).
Many women would prefer to date a man who is over-weight than under-weight so I am
familiar with the idea of being rejected based on the frame of my body.
I had braces and looked like I was 17 even though I was 25. This was a bigger problem
than it might seem. When you want to date women your age but you look like youre
still in high school, the women are understandably hesitant.
I was pasty white.
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I suppose I was more not than hotand the number of women contacting me (or, more
correctly, not contacting me) showed that. However, I wanted to give myself every opportunity
to meet someoneso I started dating immediately. Did I have a lot of success in the beginning?
No. Did I stick with it? Absolutely. I took weight gainer, got the braces off about half-way
through my online dating life, and started tanning regularly. As I improved these areas, my
online dating success improved as well.
Its worth mentioning that my looks werent the only thing improving: my online dating skills
were as well. Had I waited to start dating until I was happy with my looks, I still would have
been lost when it came to dating online. By dating actively, even though I wasnt thrilled with
my looks, I was giving myself both opportunity and experience. I believe that this approach was
a big part of what led me to meet my wife.
I understand the desire to be your absolute best when dating online but the truth is, none of us
are truly satisfied with how we look. If youre not careful, youll always be finding a new reason
to not put yourself out there.
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Staying at Home
$0
None to Low
n/a
$10*
Church or
Temple or
Mosque
$0
Through Friends
$0
Good
Low**
Meetup.com
Singles Group
$10
eHarmony
$9.98***
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How Much Time Are You Getting Out of Your Method to Meet People?
Also, consider this: if you go to the bar to meet people, or church or even a meetup group, how
many hours a week are you able to actively try to find a relationship? Three hours? Four? At
eHarmony youll be able to be much more active in your attempts to meet people. If you live in
a well populated area, you may have the opportunity to speak to new people every day not just
a few hours one day a week. Now you could argue that you could go to the bar or a singles
group more often than once a week but now the original argument that eHarmony is too
expensive has been shot down! Youre spending more that you would at eHarmony if you go
out more than once unless someone is buying the drinks for you!
Overall, eHarmony is actually a great choice for meeting singles and when you break the
numbers down, the price is very competitive with the normal methods used to meet people. I
recommend that anyone who is on the fence give it a try. You only live once and its painful for
me to even consider what my life would be like right now if I hadnt turned to online dating.
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The fact that you determine what is important to you within the matching system is brilliant.
Instead of a predefined list of questions to answer to define your personality, you answer as few
or as many from a list of thousands and you determine how important each of those questions
are in regards to providing you with matches.
The site creates a community of singles that are looking to date but are also having fun (when
using the site, see the Journals section for examples of this).
They actually give you an indication of how often people respond to emails. This is brilliant. So
many times when I was dating online I would become depressed when I didnt receive as many
responses as I thought I should. I now believe an absence of responses is just another part of
online dating and this feature helps prove that.
When viewing a profile, you will be shown similar matches but with an explanation on how they
differ from the current profile. Some examples include things like more compassionate, more
selfish, less interested in sex and so on.
The Tests help lighten the mood and encourage people to open up. Theyre fun too.
Interaction is encouraged. You can even buy a monthly subscription for other people. Im not
sure why one would want to do this but when even the subscription page includes interaction
with other people, its hard to deny their commitment to interaction.
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You can save notes about other people. This would have been a wonderful feature for me when
I was dating many women simultaneously. Fortunately, I never had one of those embarrassing
moments where I confused one woman for another but I was always paranoid I would.
You can link your OKCupid account with your Facebook account.
They dont have as many members as other services (Plenty of Fish has more). This doesnt
matter much in my opinion. You reach a point where enough is enough. The fact that a service
has 5 million members versus another with 10 million really doesnt matter that much.
The service is only free up to a point. There are limits on the number of emails you can have in
your inbox and some of the features, such as giving other users prizes, are limited to paid
accounts. Youll also see advertisements unless you pay for the service. The good side is the
monthly service fee is $10 which is a third the price of some monthly feesand one-sixth the
price of some of the more expensive sites.
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to match you with, at OKCupid you can choose which questions to answer and how much they
should matter when being matched to others. The basic process is as follows:
1. Youre presented with a question that you will answer via multiple choice answers.
2. You then answer the same question as you would want an ideal match to answer the question.
3. Finally, you rank how important it is to you that your matches meet your requirements for
them. You choices here range from irrelevant (how they answer wont affect your matching
score) to mandatory.
As you answer more questions, you will be provided with a score for your highest possible match. I
answered questions until I got to the high 90s. Obviously the more questions you answer the better your
matches will be. After answering 40 questions I had many women ranking in the high 90 percentages for
matching me but I think I still needed to answer more questions after viewing a few of these profiles.
Also, you should answer the questions honestly. Dont mark everything as irrelevant just because you
want to be as inclusive as possible. There are a ton of people using the service and youll do yourself a
favor if youre actually finding the people with the traits you want. After you fill in a significant number
of questions you can do a Match Search and see who youre matching well with.
You will also notice that some people will have an Enemy score for you. I didnt see any clear
definition on what raises the Enemy score but I have a pretty good guess. When you mark a
Question answer as being mandatory but they answer the question differently, your enemy
score will go up. It may only go up when you both mark the question mandatory but with
different answers. I believe this also will be the case, to a lesser degree, when your potential
match marks a particular answer to a question as having high importance but you answer
differently. When you see someone with a high Enemy score this means that there will
definitely be conflict between the two of you on some areas that you both consider important.
For example, if you want children and mark this as mandatory but they dont want children and
also mark that as mandatory, youre enemy score will go up. As you can see, having a higher
Enemy score doesnt mean you wouldnt get along but it could mean big problems once youre
in a relationship together.
Here are some sample questions I answered:
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There are over 3,000 questions to answer. If you can answer a hundred honestly I think youll
find some very strong matches. How you answer the questions defines your Personality Traits
which are another fun feature that also reveal more about you and your matches. You can see a
full list of the personality traits here. The more questions you answer, the more personality
traits youll be assigned.
OKCupid Tests
From what I can see, Tests dont help finding a match much. OKCupid is more than just a dating
siteits something of a social community. Youll find people who love taking these tests and
many of these tests can reveal things about them (even if that might be how obsessed they are
with a particular movie). Taking tests isnt very important to getting better matches but they
can help others know more about you once theyre viewing your profile.
Contacting Someone
Again, this is fairly standard. As I mentioned above, one feature I love is that as you start to
write a message youre a shown the frequency at which the person replies to emails. This is
really helpful in my opinion. The site also has winks which Ive discussed above.
Final Thoughts
I think that pay sites will always have an advantage in the clients that use them. I believe that at
a strictly pay site you will find people far more serious about a relationship. Sites like eHarmony
have a much, much higher percentage of like-minded individuals committed to finding a
relationship. As great as OKCupid is, the women there still get bombarded with Want sex wit
you? emails where men seemed convinced that the inability to use the English language and
the ability to get laid are tightly linked. These women then get de-sensitized to being contacted
which in turn hurts the men who are serious about relationships. In some ways, a free service
can never fully get away from the fact that many of its members will not take things seriously
and will adversely affect other members. Still, for the things which are in OKCupids control, I
think they do a fantastic job.
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Moving Forward
I hope you have found this guide helpful. My intention has always been to help others get
through those often elusive first online dates.
While I felt like an expert at getting dates near the end of my internet dating experience, I
never felt like an expert once I was actually on the date. Many people are quick to label
themselves dating experts but Im not sure I buy into that. I dont think there are dating
experts because, to me, dating is about understanding other people more than it is about
understanding dating.
Why do I mention this? Because as you continue on your journey you are likely to read other
dating advice. I think thats a good idea. However, many experts offer advice as if it is 100%
correct. Exercise caution when receiving advice like this in any form. I dont believe there is any
right advice for every situation. Be open but always be willing to throw out advice regardless of
who its from when your gut tells you otherwise. If dating were so black-and-white someone
would have figured it out long before now!
Guide Review
Often after reading any guide, Im overwhelmed if the document was of any significant length.
For those out there who are like me, check out Appendix C which summarizes most of this
guide into a printable checklist. Some of the areas from this checklist, and a few not on it, that I
consider most important are:
Listen to your gut before you listen to anyone elses advice on any kind of dating. Most
of us who offer advice are just better at hiding our confusion.
Be yourself! Its a clich but important anything else is a lie to yourself and your dates.
Be sure to try more than one service if the first one doesnt work out. There are enough
differences to warrant another try.
Contact and date as many people as you possibly can. In my opinion, this is the most
important advice I have to offer.
Try to be clear in your profile and as brief as you can be while still providing substance.
Include a photo. Many people wont even open a profile without one.
Guys: My experience shows that winks from you only slow things down.
Your first email/contact with someone should be short and concise. It should serve as
bait to view your profile.
Dont be hard on yourself over a small number of responses. There is a lot more going
on than you think.
Ask for that first date sooner rather than later and establish solid parameters around
how long you will be meeting just in case things getinteresting/scary.
Do not look for reasons for failed dates. They are what they are. Its better to think
about your next date than dwell on your last.
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Plan things in such a way that your comfort level is high! You want to represent yourself
as well as possible, especially early on.
Finally, picking up a book on dating in general is a great idea. I gained insight from everything I
read (even the books I wasnt thrilled with). I will continue to blog about online dating but there
are other great resources out there well worth your time.
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Discussion
The biggest of all online dating services, eHarmony provides their
users with personality matching to try to find just the right person. I
used eHarmony and liked it but eventually found the fact that I had to
wait for new matches frustrating. I lived in a low population area and
my matches kept getting further and further away. Still, those who
have had success with eHarmony swear by it. The personality test is
interesting too (although very time consuming).
Match.com
I think Match.com is a great site. They have all the standard features
you would expect for an online dating service along with some more
that most other sites are missing (the phone calling feature is the first
that comes to mind). I think Match.com as the measure for what an
online dating service should provide (yes, even though eHarmony is
bigger). I suppose I'm a little partial since I met my wife using this
service.
Chemistry.com Chemistry.com is a lot like eHarmony but less strict. By strict, I am
referring to the fact that eHarmony will reject people (i.e., won't let
them use the service) if they feel they can't match them. There are
several reasons eHarmony will reject people and Chemistry has tried
to address that by offering a matching online dating service that is
more inclusive.
Lavalife
In many ways, Lavalife provides exactly what you would expect from a
dating service. They do provide interesting features like online speed
dating and online parties. The site is also unique in that it has three
sections: dating, relationship and intimate. By default your profile will
show in all three sections so if you're not interested in sleeping around
be sure to remove yourself from the intimate section.
Matchmaker Matchmaker.com is the longest running dating service on the internet
(it was created in 1996). This service is intended for a more mature
audience of 35+ serious singles focused on finding long-term
relationships and those who are marriage minded. The service
matches similar to eHarmony and Chemistry.
Statistics
4,252,000 visitors
per month
3,379,000 visitors
per month
Close to 4,000,000
members
2,000,000+
members
Millions of members
but they dont
reveal the specific
number.
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Friends
Reunited
Dating
Parship
Site
Spark.com
Discussion
Dating Direct is one of the largest (the largest?) dating sites for the
U.K. The service is also popular in Europe. If you're in the U.S. I believe
you can still use the service but the number of members is rather
limited here. I get a surprising amount of traffic from the U.K. so I
would be remiss to leave them out of this list!
Statistics
5,000,000+
registered members
This is another United Kingdom based dating site. The site claims that
50% of adults who use the internet use Friends Reunited. I'm assuming
they mean 50% of adults in the United Kingdom...? Regardless, Friends
Reunited Dating is a sister site for Friends Reunited. One note though:
the service is not intended for finding old friends and then dating
them. It's intended for meeting new people. It just happens to be run
by the same people who run a service for finding old friends.
Think eHarmony but for the United Kingdom. The site claims to be #1
for those looking for serious relationships. One interesting thing about
the service is that they offer live over-the-phone dating advice to their
members for free. I know Match.com will offer profile advice but that
will cost you $30. It is interesting to see a dating site that provides free
advice along with their service.
Canadian Dating Services
Discussion
Spark.com (formerly Date.ca) is one of Canada's premier online dating
sites. They have members from all walks of life, backgrounds,
professions and ages from all across Canada.
Over 1,000,000
members
Also: Just about every dating site in the US has a Canadian version.
Specialized Dating Services
Site
Discussion
SugarDaddie This site is for beautiful women and rich men. It can seem shallow but
if that's your thing more power to you!
Silver Singles Apparently the most growth in online dating occurring today is for
those over the age of 40. Silver Singles aims to bring these singles
together.
BBW Personals This service is designed for BBW and BHM (and their admirers) and
provides the standard features you would expect: profiles, chat rooms,
instant messaging, message boards and so on. The site says that they
create a community for creating relationships ranging from friendship
to marriage and everything in between.
No Statistics Found
Statistics
Date.ca claims to
have thousands of
active members but
details are unclear.
Statistics
Thousands of
visitors every day.
400,000+ members
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Discussion
Catholic
Match
JDate
Christian Cafe
Site
Interracial
Singles
Black Singles
Interesting
Statistics
500,000 Catholics
have used the
service since its
creation.
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Notes on Pricing
Keep in mind that services that charge more often have earned the right to do so. For example,
even though eHarmony prices are some of the most expensive, it is one of the most visited
dating sites (most years the most visited). This doesnt make the cheaper services bad but it
does mean that the more expensive services are most often worth the extra price. If you decide
to use a cheaper service it may mean fewer members or less features but this isnt always a
problem. A site like CatholicMatch has fewer members but the members it does have are
exactly what its users are looking for. In this case, less is actually better.
All prices are broken down by what you would pay per month. For example, 3 months at Match
is $19.99 per month so the total for the 3 month plan ends up costing $59.97 (not using the
20% discount).
Service
1 Month
3 Months
(per mo.)
6 Months
(per mo.)
12 Mo.
(per mo.)
Promo?
OKCupid
n/a
n/a
n/a
n/a
eHarmony
$59.95
$39.95
$29.95
$19.95
Match.com
$34.99
$19.99
$16.99
n/a
Lavalife
$34.99
$19.99
n/a
n/a
7 Days Free
Chemistry
$44.95
$33.32
$26.65
n/a
Spark.com
$24.99
$13.33
$9.99
n/a
Matchmaker
$34.95
$23.32
$16.66
11.66
Page 99
Service
1 Month
3 Months
(per mo.)
6 Months
(per mo.)
12 Mo.
(per mo.)
Promo?
Catholic Match
$24.95
$14.98
$12.49
n/a
BlackSingles
$14.99
$8.99
$6.99
n/a
ChristianCafe
$34.95
$16.65
$13.33
$9.16
JDate
$36.99
$23.99
$19.99
n/a
BBW Personals
$24.99
$16.99
$13.99
$8.33
Prime Singles
$19.99
$12.99
$9.99
n/a
Sugar Daddie
$24.99
$16.66
$14.16
$10.41
UK Dating Services
Service
1 Month
3 Months
(per mo.)
6 Months
(per mo.)
12 Mo.
(per mo.)
MatchAffinity
n/a
29.00
19.00
14.00
Dating Direct
29.00
19.99
25.98
n/a
Promo?
Page 100
code when subscribing. If the code isnt entered, the discounted price will not be given. Also be
sure to verify that the code is actually working before finalizing your subscription.
Comments
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