To Touch the Earth: Hearts of Osage County, #1

Prologue

The sun hung low on the horizon, drenching the prairie in warm light. Spring came early this year and swept the plains with a breeze not decidedly warm or cool. Could be construed as just right. Could be the only thing in Hannah Harris’s life construed as just right.

Her spurs jingling with every jolt of Shady’s gait supplied the only sound in the wide-open void. That, and the horses’ hooves brushing through the tall prairie grass. And the occasional kick of a horseshoe against the stony Osage ground. She closed her eyes and willed the sun’s warmth into her skin.

Hey, you in a hurry? Aaron’s voice split the quiet as he and Gray caught up.

The sun only sets once in a day, Cowboy.

Her lifelong friend and the boy she kissed on a regular basis grew a smile and set his eyes to twinkling as he goaded Gray into a lope. Challenge accepted. Toes turned out, she spurred Shady and urged him to catch up, which he did with ease. Shady was a mite faster than Gray, but Gray always held his own.

At the knoll, they slowed to a walk, unable to decide who’d won. The rush of fresh air through her lungs left her with a sense of absolute freedom. If only it could’ve blown away the hurt.

They left the horses ground tied and trekked to the knoll’s crest. The gentle slope marked the highest point on the Double H Ranch. If the whole world faded to black, she’d want to be here when it happened. Which made her decision much harder.

How did today go? He interlaced their fingers, and the warmth of his hand spreading through hers rivaled a summer sun. The thumb of his other hand tucked itself behind his champion belt buckle. Her head on his shoulder, she rubbed the fabric of his rolled-up shirtsleeve between her fingers as the sun dipped to meet the rolling hills.

This was the one place in the great wide world she ever wanted to be. Right here on the knoll with Aaron Dean. She liked the look of her hand in his. She liked the thought of forever.

More of the same. It’s like I’m not even here. She looked off to the south. Toward the field she’d dubbed the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Where Momma had her accident. He’d never have treated Momma this way. Maybe it should’ve been me who died.

He eclipsed the sun when he stepped in front of her, the golden hour of light haloing his hat brim. Don’t say that. I–I don’t know how to deal with that.

"So I’m not allowed to have feelings because you can’t deal with them?"

That ain’t what I meant, and you know it. He removed his old brown Stetson inlaid with years of sweat stains and mud splatters, dropped it to the ground, and encased her hands in his. His thick dark hair and tanned skin made his blue eyes shine. He was poetry. And he loved her. For now. Look. I know there ain’t nothing I can say to bring your mom back. If there was, I’d scream it to the mountaintops and back again. But you can’t talk like that. It’ll be okay. Things’ll get better.

Have you ever lost anyone?

His gaze dropped to his hands that massaged hers in nervous circles. You know I haven’t.

Then how do you know? How do any of us know anything? We’re just kids, Aaron. Maybe things won’t get better unless... we make them better.

Don’t go doing anything stupid. His worried expression struck her with guilt.

She put on her sweetest smile. I’m not going to kill myself if that’s what you’re worried about.

His relief was worth the feigned glee. Was what she’d planned just as bad though? Blinded by the sun when he moved, she squinted as he stepped aside and lowered himself to sit amid the tall grass. She sat beside him, her arms encircling her knees. Behind them, the horses grazed, their eyes half shut. Above a copse of blackjacks beyond the pond, a lone hawk ended his day and lit among them. Here on the knoll, Hannah and Aaron allowed the calming quiet to settle in. What warmth they had faded into cool as the sun tiptoed beyond the horizon.

When the last of the sunset had faded, she drew her thick braid over her shoulder and laid back to watch the first stars twinkle into view across the expansive dome. Aaron filled the space with talk of graduation, taking on more responsibility on the Rafter D, and something about the old bunkhouse on their family’s land. All she could think about was the packed bags hidden in her closet.

He let his head hang back and stared into the darkening sky. You know, darlin’, this is a great place to spend forever.

If you even get forever.

He twisted to face her. I’m sorry. I should’ve thought before I said that.

She hadn’t meant it about Momma. Daddy was still living, and their forever was already over. And her forever with Aaron wouldn’t be forever. What good would that do? It wouldn’t change the way you feel.

No. He laid back on a propped elbow and sent goose bumps over her skin when his fingertips stroked her bare arm. Not much in the world could change that. But it might change the way you feel.

Not much can change that either.

He eased down beside her, adjusted around the rocky terrain, and took her hand in his.

She’d miss this. The bowl of sky above her, the vast grassland beneath her, the boy she loved beside her. After graduation tomorrow night, she was leaving town. She’d secretly applied to college, been accepted, and would leave as soon as she walked the stage in their small-town high school gym. No need to wait out the summer. Daddy had plenty of help and didn’t need her.

For anything.

With Momma gone and him not caring if she came or went, this place she’d called home didn’t hold the magic it once had. She used to dream of running the ranch with Daddy. But running the ranch wasn’t what drew her. She wanted to run the Double H with him. But there was no with him since Momma died. He couldn’t see her. Chose not to.

Didn’t want to.

She rolled her head to look at Aaron. The stars reflected in his blue eyes, creating a universe within them. A universe she wanted to disappear into. A universe that would never be hers.

If they lingered here until after curfew, would Daddy get worried and call? Should she push the limit? Would he even notice?

She sat up and patted her hair, checking for remnants of grass. We should get back.

We still on for tomorrow night?

Yeah. Of course.

They had a standing date for Friday nights. They had a standing date every night here on the knoll, but on Fridays, they drove into town for dinner with all their friends. And tomorrow was a special graduation dinner.

He sat up beside her and plucked a blade of grass from her hair. I’ve thought about it.

Thought about what?

What I should’ve said. A better warmth than that of the sun emitted from the palm he laid against her cheek. I love you, Hannah. And I want to stay here forever with you.

Aaron never lied to her. But forever was something she couldn’t trust. She rested her forehead against his. She couldn’t say it back. Not this time.

His soft kiss saved her from having to form the words. But it didn’t keep her from screaming them inside her head. The world had robbed her of Momma. Deprived her of Daddy. And would keep her from Aaron. Choking back her tears, she pressed his palm to her cheek and held onto his calloused hand, returning kiss after kiss.

When she left town, he’d move on. He’d forget her. And she needed this kiss in her memory.

She forced her hand to leave his and her lips to give up their longing. She stood and brushed off the seat of her jeans. It’s getting late.

Hannah—

Daddy’ll be worried.

He’d never argue with that logic. Stetson back on his head, he peeled himself off the ground and gave his jeans a dusting. As if it helped after working cattle all afternoon.

She followed his tall frame down the incline, his spurs chinking out a frustrated rhythm. He’d expressed his feelings, and she’d brushed him off like the crusted dung on her jeans.

But if love didn’t last forever, she needed to cut her ties now.

A strange pull on her soul urged her to turn around as if she were leaving her first love for the last time. But wasn’t she doing just that? Aaron. The ranch. The future they’d planned. She peered into the night sky behind her in time to see a falling star streak across the sky, burn out, and disappear. And she couldn’t stop herself from casting a wish into the deep well after it. A second after she made it though, the vanity of her childish act sank in. No matter how hard she wished it so, no matter how much she wanted to spend her life in Aaron’s arms, love would never last forever.

And they were just dumb kids to think it would.

They found their horses not far off, strands of long grass between their teeth. Back in the saddle, she gave Shady a good pat and turned him toward the house. Aaron rode in stoic silence beside her, his eyes straight forward, a tired hunch to his shoulders.

She took another look across the plain, committing to memory the home she loved while, like a closing curtain, darkness engulfed the Double H. This place, her home, that wouldn’t be home much longer.

Chapter One

For Hannah Harris, coming home was not like coming home at all. There was no fanfare. No hugs and kisses. No trading stories of all that happened while she’d been gone. Only a crowd full of mourners for a man she merely thought she knew. And a multitude of people she’d left behind. There were a lot of tears today but none in her eyes. She’d cried all her tears years ago, and the deep wells had run dry.

She smoothed her long black skirt under her and took a seat on a chair covered with a green blanketlike material. Aunt Janey sat beside her, dabbing a tissue at her eyes and pulling another from the packet in her lap. When she offered the packet, Hannah waved it away.

Uncle Charlie, seated on her aunt’s other side, wrapped an arm around Aunt Janey’s shoulders and angled her to weep against his chest. When Momma passed away and Hannah became invisible to Daddy, Aunt Janey held her like that and assured her everything was going to be okay.

But nothing had been okay. And eight years later, it still wasn’t.

An older man started singing Amazing Grace, and the crowd silenced except for a chorus of annoying sniffles and Janey’s soft weeping. Janey’d lost her brother and business partner in one day. But with her and Charlie running the ranch, it’d be in good hands.

After the hymn, Pastor Benson, the man who’d been Hannah’s preacher until she left home, stepped up alongside the barnwood casket, a worn black Bible in hand. All right, everyone. Gather around, and we’ll try to get this done before that pretty April sky opens and drenches us all.

Yes. Let’s. The sooner she could get out of there the better.

Everyone pressed in, and Hannah squeezed her elbows closer to her sides. The pressure of everyone’s thoughts disturbed her comfort zone. They were all looking at her. And she didn’t need to be a psychic to read their thoughts. Pity. Curiosity. Questions.

Judgment.

The wayward daughter coming home to the funeral of a father who didn’t love her anymore.

The green turf carpet beneath her boots was more of a welcome sight than the glares of the people she’d left behind. And if the preacher would hurry, she’d work on getting out of their line of sight for good.

But their thoughts weren’t the ones she feared. Only one person’s thoughts made her cringe.

As Pastor droned on, she kept her gaze on her folded hands. She didn’t need to laugh with these people or share in their stories. She needed to leave them far behind. Not because she hated them. God knew that wasn’t true. But their connection had broken, and nothing remained to hold them together.

Amen.

Hannah jolted. She hadn’t realized they were praying. Maybe no one noticed she hadn’t joined them. Thunder rolled, and in the collective pause, everyone looked to the sky.

Those seated stood as one, and people came from all directions to offer handshakes and hugs. Uncle Charlie stayed at her aunt’s side, but her cousins, Ryder, Lane, and Trace exited the tent. Hannah pasted on a smile and shook hands, breathing back the pounding of her heart and focusing on the people in front of her. If her attention strayed, she might meet the eyes of the man she hoped to see but not to be seen by. His family’s ranch shared miles of fence with hers. He was there. Had to be.

And she needed not to be.

Just in case he was the next handshake.

He wasn’t. But someone almost as scary was. Nothing made her feel more guilty than meeting Aaron’s eyes in his father’s face.

Mr. Dean held his Silverbelly hat to his chest, his other hand planted in the pocket of his khakis, Mrs. Dean standing beside him. The man always looked stern, so he was hard to gauge. But she’d broken their son’s heart. There was bound to be some ill feelings.

And they’d be right to have them.

Mr. and Mrs. Dean.

Mr. and Mrs. Dean? You know better than that. Mrs. Dean grabbed her up in a hug. We’ve been on a first-name basis since you were in diapers. I’m so sorry for your loss, sweetheart. Your daddy was an awfully good man.

He was a good friend. Mr. Dean nodded, his lips pursed.

What were they saying? And nicely. Thank you. I appreciate you coming today.

Mrs. Dean stepped out of their embrace and adjusted her purse strap. Don’t be such a stranger. You’re missed around here.

Mr. Dean winked as he and his wife moved outside the tent and joined a group who were all smiles and laughter.

Hannah exhaled her relief. Not so bad. She might make it out of this day alive.

Hannah?

She jerked around at the familiar voice.

Hey, girl. Do you remember me? The girl’s hopeful smile flooded Hannah’s heart. The tears on the edge of her eyes broke it.

Mattie. Her whispery voice and a strange longing surprised her.

But not as much as her best friend embracing her. Wasn’t she mad Hannah skipped town without even a see you later? A desire to hug her back had seconds to culminate before Mattie stepped away. It was the first emotion through Hannah’s heart since Aunt Janey called with the news. And a wee bit unsettling.

I can’t believe you’re here. I mean, I can believe you’d come to your dad’s... Well, it’s really good to see you. I’m sorry about your dad.

Hannah recovered. Thank you.

How long you in town for?

A few days. I’m staying with Aunt Janey.

Not your house?

It’s not my house anymore. Saying the words solidified the situation and hardened the rock core of her insides. The Double H Ranch hadn’t been her home in a long time. Now, it never would be.

Oh. Well, come see me before you leave. It would be fun to catch up. I’m always at the restaurant. The pizza place on the west side of Kihekah Avenue. Mattie kept wringing her hands. Why was she nervous?

No ring. You aren’t married? What? Why blurt that out?

Uh—no. Her smile faltered.

Neither am I.

Mattie’s mouth regained its smile. Good. No one to make mad if we stay up talking long into the night.

Stay up talking? Did she not know it’d been eight years? I’ll come see you before I leave.

Mattie smiled wide, bent to take a small sunflower from one of the many floral arrangements lining the casket, and backed away. She walked between the gravestones to a narrow gravel road that transected the cemetery, looking back as she left. Catch up? When Hannah met with Mattie, would she get an earful or her best friend back? Both?

The one she deserved. The other, not so much.

A handsome man in jeans, a blazer, and a new cowboy hat met Mattie at the road. When Hannah focused on him, her breath caught, and her heart jolted.

He hadn’t changed much. If anything, the years had treated him well. Still tall. Still lanky. Still took her breath away. Still made her belly sour when she thought of how she’d left him.

And he didn’t so much as look her way. She wouldn’t get the same warm reception from him. Deservedly so.

Well, little Hannah Harris.

Oh, great. She pivoted around, holding out her hand. Pastor Benson. Thank you so much for a lovely service. A little longer, and she’d have a hot bath and time to process. And Mrs. Benson.

What’s this? The woman glared at her outstretched hand, then took it, and pulled her into a hug. When she released her, her hands didn’t leave Hannah’s shoulders. You’ve only grown more beautiful.

The couple had been old when she attended church with her parents. Now, his hair was thinner and grayer, and hers was cropped short and dyed a yellowy blond. But they still had the kind faces she remembered as a girl first forming her faith.

The faith she’d also left behind.

Pastor Benson gripped her shoulder as Mrs. Benson excused herself. I’m sorry we’re meeting again under such circumstances. Hank was a good man. His death was unexpected. So young. He’s going to be missed around here.

Right. I mean, yes of course. He was. Had been.

It’s good to see you. I hope you’ve found a good congregation to be your family. Wherever it is you are these days.

Oh. She waved a hand. Sure thing.

He smiled and nodded, but his preacher eyes said he knew. He crossed his arms over his protruding belly, his Bible tucked in. How long you in town for?

I have to get back to work, so just a few days.

Wonderful. May I expect you in church tomorrow morning, then?

Well played. He hadn’t changed his passive-aggressive preacher ways. Yes. Absolutely. And she was falling for it.

What was she doing? Getting together with her ex-best friend and agreeing to go to church? What would be next? Maybe she’d skip town tonight before she found out.

And leave Aunt Janey to clean her things out of Daddy’s house? Hannah cringed at her skipping-town habits. She’d hurt people, but it couldn’t have been avoided. She’d stay the few days to be there for Aunt Janey, the only person she’d kept in contact with. If a handful of short phone calls counted as keeping in contact. She’d attend church. Sit in the back for a quicker escape. It’s good to see you, Pastor Benson.

It’s good to see you too, dear.

All these people saying nice things about Daddy grated. He’d been her daddy up until Momma’s death. Then he was more like living with a ghost. Where was Aunt Janey? It was so time to go.

And, Hannah? A serious expression replaced Pastor Benson’s smile. If you need anything, you know where to find me.

She’d known where to find everyone and hadn’t sought them out. That wasn’t about to change now.

Except for Mattie. Maybe she owed her that visit.

Thank you, Pastor Benson.

He winked and moved on, leaving her alone under the funeral tent. Next to the casket complete with horseshoe trim, perched above the gaping hole that would encase the man who used to love her. Before Momma died and took all the love in the house with her.

But one other man had loved her.

She peered out of the corner of her eye where Mattie still stood with Aaron Dean, Hannah’s high school sweetheart. The only one she’d ever had eyes for. The only one her heart desired. Even after all this time.

She’d known them both since pre-K. And ripped both their hearts out on the same day.

Aaron’s brother, Eli, joined them. He’d been sixteen when she left, but it was undeniably him. He held a little girl who couldn’t be more than two. Her frilly pink dress with even pinker cowgirl boots urged Hannah’s lips to twitch into a smile.

The girl stretched her arms toward Aaron and fell into his embrace when he took her, laying her sweet head on his shoulder. He kissed her dark curls and rubbed her back. He had a kid? Mattie touched his arm with a familiarity that stole Hannah’s breath. She looked to be giving him what for. Were they together? Mattie said she wasn’t married. Dating?

Was this why Mattie wanted to talk? Being replaced wasn’t a surprise. Hannah wasn’t anything special. But her best friend? Was the child theirs?

She couldn’t deny the stabbing pain in her heart. But she couldn’t deny that she deserved it either.

Oh. Too many emotions cycloned in her gut for one day. She turned her attention back to the casket and touched the rough wood. She needed to leave.

Goodbyes were said years ago. Not face-to-face. That opportunity was gone. But shouldn’t she say something?

Bye, Daddy. She exited the tent before further unwelcome emotions joined her twisted innards.

She rounded the tent pole, and the gravestone he’d share with Momma met her, their names engraved side by side. The stone was cold under her hand in the absence of the sun. How had the world become such a lonely place?

Nothing could remedy that now, except getting back to the life she’d built in Oklahoma City.

It’s been hell, Momma, she whispered. Pure hell. She glanced at Daddy’s side, and her heart mimicked the cold hard stone. Maybe Daddy can tell you all about it.

She straightened and surveyed the gray clouds over Pawhuska City Cemetery. By some miracle, the sky had held back its promise of rain. Still, the humid smell of it hung heavy in the air. A cool spring breeze blew her hair from her shoulder. With her eyes closed, she breathed it in deep. Nowhere was the air as clean. Nowhere else could calm her like Osage County. But would the memories ever not cause pain?

A lone raindrop splattered onto the polished stone.

She cringed at a throat clearing. Then the voice spoke her name and very near stopped her heart. She swallowed the instant lump and forced her boots to carry her around to face him. By no surprise, he bore the expression of