Called 2 Love: A 40-Day Journey into Marriage Intimacy

Preface

Thousands upon thousands of books have been written about marriage. Hundreds upon hundreds of marriage retreats and seminars are offered every year. Teaching and instructions on how to have a better marriage are clearly in demand. But what are couples really desiring? What are they looking for in marriage books or retreats? What does a better marriage look like?

Most couples we know say they long for a more enriched relationship, a greater understanding of each other, better communication, a way to work more effectively through conflict, a more exciting and fulfilled sex life, a deeper emotional connection . . . the list goes on. Most marriage books and retreats attempt to offer these things, and many of us get help with our relationship for a season. But in a short time, so many of us are pretty much back to where we were before we started. What’s the problem? Why is it so difficult to make positive lasting adjustments in our marriages?

Because change is hard. To make positive marital adjustments work and take hold requires a life change. And changed behavior doesn’t come easily. We may even want to change for the good, but creating new pathways toward significant change really requires something significant of us. We need sufficient internal dissatisfaction (a sense we need a change), adequate external pressure (a reinforcement from others to change), and a positive model and blueprint for change (clearly seeing and understanding what change looks like and what is required of us). When we have those three things, along with a true willingness to change, a rewarding and lasting transformation can take place. That is what happened in our marriages.

When I (David Ferguson) learned of Steve and Barbara Uhlmann’s fascinating journey toward marital intimacy, it immediately struck me that they serve as an ideal model for transformational change. They were both stuck in a marital existence. At first, they didn’t know how to change. But they eventually locked onto a life-change process that radically transformed their mere existence into an ongoing relational intimacy with each other.

And when I (Steve Uhlmann) learned of David and Teresa Ferguson’s tried and proven blueprint for marital transformation, it struck me that they can provide couples the guidance toward the relational intimacy we all want and seek. Combining our forces has resulted in a step-by-step process of how you can respond to God’s call to love your spouse as Jesus loves.

This is unlike any marriage book you have ever read. Mainly because it does more than give you words to read. This book offers specific biblical truths for you to experience which will change the way you think and act toward your spouse. Included in each chapter—following a series of daily devotionals—are experientials for you to engage in. These experientials will guide you to explore your own personal story, your marriage story, and Jesus’ story—the One who has the power to bring change to your life. Don’t skip over these exercises. They are what will bring about lasting change.

So don’t think of this as a mere book. See it as your personal guided journey into marital intimacy. Along the way, you will discover that your relationship with your spouse is being positively changed—a change that can last a lifetime. It has for us, and it can for you. Let the journey begin.

David Ferguson

Steve Uhlmann

Introduction

WHY A 40-DAY JOURNEY?

Implementing any new discipline, creating a new habit, or learning a new skill requires practice. Called 2 Love: A 40-Day Journey into Marriage Intimacy is designed to guide you in the skills, habits, and experiences that cultivate lasting change—changes for more intimacy in your marriage!

The daily devotions will inspire you. The personal journal moments will encourage you to reflect on your personal story so you are ready to practice relational skills with your spouse. The Marriage Staff Meetings will guide your conversation with your partner and provide self-guided practice for true intimacy as you continue to build out your marriage story.

WHY DEVELOP YOUR OWN MARRIAGE STORY?

The personal and marriage journal moments are intended to support you as you develop your own marriage story. As you write your personal reflections, journal about the gratitude for your marriage, and chronicle the change God brings to your relationship, you will end up with a lasting record of the benefits of the Lord (Psalm 103:2). These remembrances will provide reassurance and hope when life brings challenges in the future. Clarifying your marriage story will also equip you to share it with others. You’ll be prepared to share your story of hope as you share your hope in Jesus.

WHY ARE THERE MOMENTS WITH JESUS? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A MARRIAGE BOOK

In this Called 2 Love resource, you will also practice moments of intimacy with Jesus. Intentional moments of time with him will increase your closeness with the One who is love. It will be these times of first experiencing God’s love for you that will empower you to love your partner. It’s only because of his love for us that we have hope of sharing that love with others. Jesus said it plainly: You are to love each other. You must love each other as I have loved you (John 13:34 NLV).

HOW TO USE THIS RESOURCE

Called 2 Love: A 40-Day Journey into Marriage Intimacy can be used in a variety of ways:

•Devotional guide for couples: This do-it-yourself guide can lead you and your spouse into greater closeness. Do the recommended exercises for maximum growth and intimacy!

•Small group resource: This journey into marriage intimacy can also be used in a 6-week format with a small group. When three to four couples share their experiences together, God has an amazing way of deepening impact.

•Guide for marriage mentors and permarital counseling: Marriage mentors will find this resource ideal for engaging couples who are struggling or just getting started in their marriage journey.

Called 2 Love: A 40-Day Journey into Marriage Intimacy is unique. It’s unlike most marriage books because this resource is designed to give you regular doses of God’s love for you and then encourages you to share that same love with your partner. You’ll not only learn what an intimate marriage looks like, but you’ll also learn the skills for how to make intimacy happen.

Each of the six weeks is structured the same.

•Days 1–4: Personal, daily devotionals with a story, short prayer, and reflections.

•Day 5: Journal about your personal story and reflect on your marriage story so the call to love becomes more personal.

•Day 6: Experience moments with Jesus through guided devotionals, and encounter his incredible love for you.

•Day 7: Marriage Staff Meeting. Prepare your responses ahead of time and set aside one to two hours for deep and meaningful conversations with your spouse or small group.

GROW CLOSER TO YOUR SPOUSE, GROW IN YOUR FAITH

Called 2 Love: A 40-Day Journey into Marriage Intimacy is not only designed to guide you into more closeness with your spouse, it is also designed to foster a Spirit-empowered faith—a faith that is demonstrable, observable, and only possible with the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

A framework for this kind of spiritual growth has been drawn from a cluster analysis of several Greek and Hebrew words that declare that Christ’s followers are to be equipped for works of ministry or service (See Ephesians 4:12).

Therefore, in this book you’ll find specific notations around four themes (see Appendices 2–4) that help you become a Spirit-empowered disciple.

A SPIRIT-EMPOWERED DISCIPLE:

•Loves the Lord

You will find specific exercises marked L1-10. These moments are specific times of expressing your love for Jesus.

•Lives the Word

You will find certain exercises marked W1-10. These moments are designed to equip you in how to live out specific Scriptures from God’s Word.

•Loves People

You will find exercises marked P1-10. These moments help you discern the relational needs of others and sharing God’s love in meaningful ways.

•Lives His Mission

Finally, you will find specific exercises marked M1-10. These exercises are a part of actively sharing Jesus’ life and telling others about the Jesus who lives inside of us.

Each Spirit-empowered outcome will be noted with the following symbol:

All forty Spirit-empowered Faith Outcomes are in Appendix 4 and are listed for your review.

Our world needs couples living as Spirit-empowered disciples who are making disciples who, in turn, make disciples. Thus, Called 2 Love: A 40-Day Journey into Marriage Intimacy rightly focuses on the powerful simplicity of:

•Receiving God’s love for us and then loving him as our first priority.

•Living his Word, because there’s power and possibility in experiencing Scripture.

•Loving people by developing a lifestyle of giving first, to your spouse and to others around you.

•Living his mission, which means building a lasting legacy as you share Jesus’ hope with others.

DAY 1

Wake-Up Calls

For you have given him his heart’s desire.

PSALM 21:2

God was thrilled for you on your wedding day. He loved seeing you celebrate with family and friends, and he loved being able to give you what your heart most desired—an intimate relationship with the man or woman of your dreams!

If you’ve been married any length of time, you’ve also experienced a few wake-up calls in your relationship. You have been reminded of the need to reprioritize and refocus on your marriage.

Your wake-up call may have included emotions that have grown cold or the realization of a growing distance between you and your spouse. Your wake-up call might have also included extreme conflict in your relationship, or perhaps you’ve found yourself or your spouse preoccupied with distractions outside your marriage. It is even possible one or both of you have threatened to leave the relationship.

When these wake-up calls happen, it is important for both husband and wife to learn what the other person actually needs.

The following story from the Ferguson’s marriage helps illustrate what a wake-up call might sound like. As you read, see if you can identify with the challenges of keeping your own marriage a priority in the face of a busy life and competing priorities.

My Wake-Up Call

It had been another stressful yet fulfilling day of juggling a secular job and a demanding ministry to students. My (David) schedule had been packed with typical activities: an early morning discipleship group, a number of appointments at the office, lunch with a church elder, several phone calls from students, and another round of tinkering with a faulty computer program. I left a pile of work on my desk just in time to run home for a quick dinner. After dinner, I hurried off to the church for a counseling appointment and a committee meeting that lasted until ten.

By the time I got home that night, Teresa was in bed but still awake. I slipped into bed beside her and turned out the light. We talked in generalities about the day. I described my accomplishments, and she related how the kids had behaved—and misbehaved—at home.

At this point in our marriage, our conversations were rather superficial, as was the rest of our relationship. I was so busy with my job and leading a growing ministry, and she was so busy running the home that we rarely connected deeply with each other. We were not enemies, yet our marriage had a distance that was unsettling to me.

Staring up at the ceiling in the darkness, I addressed the issue. Teresa, I sense a dryness between us, like we live on opposite sides of a big desert. We are so involved in our own separate worlds of activity that we hardly notice each other. Is this the way it’s always going to be with us?

There was silence on Teresa’s side of the bed, followed by a deep sigh. I don’t know, David.

Finally I found the courage to ask the question that had been haunting me for months. Teresa, do you really love me?

Silence again. When Teresa finally answered, I was not prepared for the directness of her response. David, I don’t feel anything for you. I’m just numb.

That sobering exchange in our bedroom took place more than forty years ago. It was the beginning of an intense, sometimes painful, but ultimately fulfilling marital journey.

What was missing in our marriage was an ever deepening intimacy and it had something to do with what we genuinely needed from one another.

PRAYER AND REFLECTION

Speak Lord, your servant is listening

1 SAMUEL 3:9

As you remember the various wake-up calls along your marriage journey, what is it that your partner, at the time, might have needed from you?

Say a prayer to the Lord. Tell him about your wake-up calls and how you want to learn. Write down what you hear as you listen to Jesus.

Lord, as I think back over our marriage, I realize my spouse has needed more __________ from me.

Help me to know and learn more about what my partner truly needs because …

Claim the promise of John 13:34 — Love each other. Just as I have loved you.

DAY 2

Clueless!

Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn’t really know very much.

1 CORINTHIANS 8:2

If we’re really honest, at times, we are clueless about how to experience a truly intimate marriage. There are times when our spouse is a complete mystery to us.

Our only hope of loving our partner well is to acknowledge that what we claim to know is not sufficient! We need the Author of marriage to join us in this journey of marriage intimacy. We genuinely need the God, who is love, to show us and equip us in how to love our partner well.

Consider the following story from the Ferguson’s journey. It reveals how the Lord is longing to join you in loving your spouse well.

Joining Jesus In Loving Well

Several years after Teresa’s shocking disclosure that she felt emotionally numb in our relationship, a small but significant incident confirmed that something good was happening in our marriage. The distance between us was being gradually replaced by the oneness and intimacy we both craved.

Every year, Teresa and I try to get away just to focus on us. For many years, one of our favorite spots was a quiet, comfortable cabin in the Smoky Mountains. It became our own personal retreat, where the two of us could relax alone or with a few friends. One year, just before leaving home for the airport and our pilgrimage to Tennessee, I passed by the kitchen and sensed God prompting this new thought: Why don’t you take a few packets of Sweet ’N Low with you for Teresa? Over the years of our marriage I had learned that Teresa prefers Sweet ’N Low over other sweeteners in her coffee, but the lodge where we usually stayed didn’t serve that brand. So I reached into the kitchen cabinet for a handful of pink packets and slipped them into my briefcase.

We arrived at the cabin just in time for dinner. As dessert and coffee were served, Teresa began searching the table for the Sweet ’N Low, disappointed again that it wasn’t there. But I had come to the table prepared. As I pulled a small, pink packet out of my pocket and handed it to her, the disappointment on Teresa’s face was washed away by an endearing smile. Tears filled her eyes, and she hugged me. I relished the pleasure I was able to bring to my wife with such a simple act. I also sensed God’s pleasure at what had happened. He seemed to say, We did well together, David! I needed you to bring the packets up the mountain and share them with Teresa, but you needed me to prompt you to bring them!

I am convinced I never would have thought to bring the Sweet ’N Low on my own. God was thinking of Teresa that day, and he wanted to involve me in the ministry of caring for my wife in this special way.

PRAYER AND REFLECTION

Share your heart with the Author of marriage. Tell him the things you’ve come to know