Turing's Graveyard

TURING’S GRAVEYARD

She was dead when we first met. Maybe that was the problem.

But before I tell you about Sophie, I have to tell you about the one before.

So, the garage door is going down and I pull the two-suiter out of the GS300 and walk into the entryway. Honey, I’m home, just like Mr. Cleaver. My voice echoes like I never heard it echo before. I flip on all the lights and from the foot of the stairs all I see is beige plush carpeting and a cathedral ceiling with a lot of skylights and nothing else. And where pictures should be just hooks in the walls and the outlines of frames, like ghosts. And on the walls there are these new scrapes and divots like someone’s been moving furniture and not too worried about coming back. So, I go up the stairs and what do you know, I seem to have this really big living room with nothing in it. Except some dents in the carpet where there used to be furniture. And a dirty stain where there used to be a big avocado tree that I started growing from a pit in a shot glass my senior year at USC. And all I can think is, shit, I’m really going to miss that tree.

So, I drape the two-suiter over the rail and I kind of take stock of the first floor. Kitchen used to have a table. Doesn’t now. Still has the big double-doored Sub-Zero refrigerator. Only one magnet. Used to be dozens. Under this one magnet is folded a piece of paper with my name in handwriting I recognize. Something tells me not to read it just yet. So, I open the refrigerator. Why you’d leave behind a box of baking soda to deodorize four Heinekens I can’t tell you. But the Heinie I popped didn’t smell bad, so I guess it worked.

When I was halfway through the beer, I opened the note. At the end she said, I won’t say goodbye because you weren’t here. Ever.

I read it again and crumpled it up and put it in my pocket. I popped a second Heinie and drank it. I thought about saying something in reply but then I realized I wasn’t in a movie. I started upstairs but realized I probably didn’t need anything that was still there. At least not now. So, I picked up the two-suiter and went back down to the car and checked into a Marriott near the airport.

Home again.

When I began with the company it was still called a startup. In most offices then you’d see secretaries with headsets banging away at IBM Selectrics. The Internet was still rocket scientists and grad students posting dirty pictures that you needed a Cray supercomputer to download. Remember Cray? Oh, never mind.

The guys I’d started up with realized pretty early, say in Clinton’s first year, that the wind was blowing from Redmond. So when I was taking my pay in dollars they were taking it in stock options. I’d bought my first condo the day the market crashed and that made me kind of leery of anything but cash. So when the acquisition came I, I thought, pretty rich, but the next day they were really rich, and then they were gone and there I was, still an employee. Nice car, lots of plutonium cards, lots of dough in the 401K. Plenty to retire on that minute if I wanted to substitute teach on the side. That’s how it stayed. Every time some alpha geek came up with something that was testing well in beta I turned down equity, took cash, and the next thing I knew I was one rung up the ladder but still reporting to someone with an ownership interest that I didn’t have.

So anyway, she’d been gone a month or so and I’d been managing to travel even more than I usually did, which usually was five days a week, so I wouldn’t have to come home. Not that I would have. Whenever I was back, I stayed at the Marriott. Everything I didn’t need was in storage anyway.

So one day I was talking to Seyfert at the corporate Starbucks. He was one of the design engineers and had the social skills that generally go with the job. He was almost as old as I was but he was working on the goatee anyway.

So, I said to Seyfert, got to figure out where to live.

He nodded and slurped something decaf and fat-free. He didn’t say anything.

Yeah, I said, just to keep the conversation lively. I mean, got to live somewhere.

He slurped again.

I mean, I said, I do, right?

Why? he asked.

What do you mean, why? That was a rhetorical question. Because I have to live somewhere. I mean, everyone lives somewhere. I can’t just live in a hotel. I’d known the guy a long time but sometimes his incomplete grasp of consensus reality brought me up short.

Why not? he said. As I fought back the impulse to dump his coffee in his lap he added, Half the young guys in sales do.

What?

Sure, he said. Not married. Out of town, oh, he paused to think, and I could almost see little hourglass icons forming in his pupils, eighty per cent of the year. So they make deals with HR and accounting and get suites at the Residence Inn at serious corporate discounts. If they have stuff, they keep it at those self-storage places. I mean, why not?

I thought about it. A week later the condo was on the market.

So anyway, when I met her I think I was in Helsinki. It might have been St Petersburg too, because it was that cold, but I’m pretty sure it was Helsinki because the downloads were pretty fast and Finland is pretty wired. Russia isn’t. Don’t get a lot of bandwidth off waxed string.

Not that it mattered where I was. Corporate hotels look the same and room service turkey clubs taste the same wherever they are. There’s Heineken in every minibar and CNN International on every TV. Might as well have been in my own home. Because that’s what it was. And I liked it.

Anyway, yeah, it was probably Helsinki. And it was so long ago I think it may have been Firefly or maybe Swoon or something else that didn’t survive Facebook, let alone Tinder.

I found myself looking at a picture of a woman’s muscled back, with a mane of tortured russet hair down to a rounded rock-hard ass. I read the text beside it and clicked the email link and typed, If that’s really your ass I’d like to know about you. Not much at introductions, I guess.

I was a little surprised when I saw her name—Sophie—in my inbox a few days later. I didn’t get responses very often, and when I did, and responded to the responses, I found that Miss September was a fat male graduate student in some basement at the University of Southern Buttfuck. Nevertheless, when I saw her picture, or the picture she’d posted, I entertained the hope that it was actually associated with the human being who’d posted it. And when I don’t get anything back, not even spam from some kind of wanker.net, I figured that once again I’d reached out and touched some kind of virtual void.

Anyway, I was in the same hotel in a different city. I’d just finished a little spin through the new sites on Adult Check Gold and had cleaned up when I decided to take one last look at the email. Surprisingly little from the office; less from clients; one from Sophie. Sophie? With a .edu top domain?

Yes. That is my ass. What more do you want to know?

Hmm. I spent five minutes framing my clever reply. —If that’s your ass —I asked cagily —why do you post it?

Well, okay, a pretty crude question. Not an unreasonable one, though.

The answer surprised me a little. I’m proud of it. Shouldn’t I be?

—Well, yes.

Why do you email women’s asses?

—I wasn’t emailing your ass. I was emailing you. Not much point in writing to a body part. At least, that one.

What body part should you write to?

—The brain.

That’s how it got started. We went on like that for a while; because we were still emailing at that point, the delay in composing, sending, and waiting for the reply and composing again meant that it was dawn before I’d confirmed the basic facts in her text: academic computer geek in the Northeast; mid-thirties; no kids, never married; runner. And in order to get that I of course had to give. So as the sun was coming up over the Baltic, I told her about the job and the condo and not living anywhere.

Except inside your head.

—Right. I guess that’s where we all live, anyway.

Some more than others. What time is it where you are?

I told her.

Get some sleep. Write me later.

I said I would. But I couldn’t. Jet lag and too much coffee. Okay, I was excited,

too. Which led me to say to myself, well, it’s pretty clear you’re a grade-A loser and a cyberwanker, too, but jeez, you got a good job, a nice car, and hell, you’re forty——excited? Over email? Come on, guy, even Bill Gates has a life.

To which I say, yeah, well, whatever. Got dough. Work out so I look okay. Travel the wide world over. So you’d think, yeah, I should be able to get it pretty much on demand. But let’s think about that a moment, shall we? In a bad week I’m in the air more than I’m on the ground. And when I’m on the ground I spend most of my time with a bunch of guys with bad haircuts and three pagers. And when it’s time for these guys to kick back and show the out-of-towner a good time we wind up jamming slices down Corona necks in the best Mexican restaurant in Liverpool. And if you think you’ve seen ugly check out Northern English womanhood on a Saturday night. And yeah, let’s not forget that home is still a Marriott. So that’s why my love life is measured in MPEGs. And that’s why I get kind of excited when I think there might be somebody out there whose body and brain occupy the same area code.

So I had some room service coffee and showered and got to the site just as my handlers were arriving, which no doubt scored points with them. And if they noticed I had to break to check my email more than usual I guess they just assumed it was because I was such an important guy. And if I seemed a little bouncier than usual when I got one from Sophie——Just wanted to know how you’re doing. They didn’t seem to notice that either.

I was there three more days. By the time I left we had switched to instant messaging. Hours long sessions, sometimes.

—Okay. I wrote. —You’re smart. You’re fit. Good job. Why are you wasting your time with some loser on the net? I mean, it’s late Friday night where you are.

Saturday afternoon where you are. And I haven’t seen your ass but change the names and the story’s about you.

—My ass? Look, you don’t want to think about my ass. You can look it up: www.weirdmedicine.horrors.com

I’d kind of like to see your ass anyway. Got a camera?

—What?

Camera. Being in the tech industry I thought you might have heard of them.

—Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have heard of them. So what am I supposed to do, sit on it and hit send?

No. I’m serious. You’ve seen me. Now I want to see you.

My fingers hovered over the keyboard as sweat broke out on my forehead. For an instant I thought about cutting into DOS and feigning a PIPELINE BROKEN message. Easy enough if you know what to do. But I didn’t. Instead I wrote:

—Yes. I have seen you. The you you’ve posted on the net. And I’ve really liked talking to you. But I don’t know that you’re real. For all I know you’re a really smooth perv in Bayonne. But I don’t think I want to be sending you pictures until I know who you are.

The pause was so long that I expected my icon to stop spinning and the screen to read 401. But it didn’t.

Okay. Fair enough. I can’t blame you. Do you want to see some other pictures? Not my ass, just who I am?

—Yes.

And then will you let me see who you are?

—Yes.

The same way I’ve let you see me?

—Yes.

How fast is your modem?

—V.90 but I’m working off Finnish phonelines.

This may take a while. Half an hour. Do you have a digicam?

—Yes. I did. A pretty good Sony. I had no earthly use for it but the company thought I should have it with me wherever I went.

While my pictures are downloading take a few of yourself and if you’re satisfied when you see what I’ve sent upload them to me. Talk to you in half an hour.

It was Saturday afternoon but it was Finland in November so the room was completely dark, even with the blinds wide open. I was a couple of floors up so I could barely hear the buzz of a Helsinki weekend, such as it was. So I didn’t feel too self-conscious when I stood in front of the full length mirror on the closet door and nearly blinded myself with the flash. I took a couple more, shooting from the chest rather than the face, turning my head so that she had a profile, feeling like an idiot.

So after I’d filled a memory stick with some fairly uninspired pictures of myself and my room I went back to the laptop and saw the taskbar was blue almost all the way to the right. And when it was done, I clicked save and open and saw her.

Good selection, I have to say. I knew where she said she worked and I knew what her hair looked like and I knew the kind of shape she said she was in. So when I saw the first picture, a woman with that hair in running shorts and jogbra standing in front of the entry arch of the Yard I said to myself, well, okay. And then I thought, well, if this is actually the McCoy, this is better than I thought. Because the picture that first drew me to her showed a fine firm ass and strong back and the tops of really good legs but as all the boys in the audience know, good legs and a nice ass usually mean a belly that’s flat all the way from hip to the collarbone but not this girl. That Jockey jogbra was holding solid Cs, and from the looks of things it was a really cold day in Cambridge or she was really excited to have her picture taken. But having said all that, and yeah I know I’m a pig to have said any of it, the thing that took the picture out of the realm of softcore preview was her face. Three-quarters profile; head tossed back; face split by the kind of grin you see on the really healthy when they’re working their bodies the way they were meant to be worked.

I clicked next. Her in what looked like an undergraduate library computer cluster, standing over a kid with his fingers on a keyboard and a quizzical look on his face. Hers was intent, eyes locked on what I guessed was a screen not visible in the picture, one hand brushing the hair from her forehead. It looked like the kind of picture you’d see in college catalogues. Though this was not a college that had to do a hard sell.

Next: Twilight, sitting in long grass with water just visible in the background. T-shirt and jeans, knees drawn up to that big chest, arms wrapped around her knees. Big yellow lab beside her, head resting on her forearm, liquid eyes dopey with love. Back when I had the condo, I wanted a dog. But she had allergies. She said.

Next: ACCESS FORBIDDEN. It flashed three or four times and was replaced by scrolling hypertext. Okay, big boy. Your turn. Show me yours and maybe I’ll open the kimono. Literally.

—Okay, geek grrrl. Just about a meg. Read a book.

Finns make pretty good vodka. Or so they say; potato juice is just potato juice, so far as I can tell. I was nervously starting my third after forty-five minutes of cybersilence.

Well.

—Well what?

I guess you’re not a real left-brain kind of guy.

—What?

Not exactly what I’d call really imaginative compositions.

—Jesus Christ, I’m sitting in a Finnish hotel room at two in the morning taking pictures of myself for a figment of my imagination. What the hell do you want?

Calm down. Look, at least you weren’t wearing Dockers. And you don’t look like you’d make babies cry. I took a couple of pictures for you. I’ll let you see one if you take off your shirt.

Okay. I knew where this was going. I didn’t know whether to feel like a fool or a degenerate. How about degenerate fool, I thought as I set the timer on the digicam and tried to flex unobtrusively.

Ten minutes later. Okay. I guess you do work out. You can see the next picture.

I went back to the gallery and clicked next. The frame loaded fast. Indistinct background of dark walls and what looked like heavy paisley drapes and the curling footboard of a sleigh bed. Most of the picture her from the waist up. I could make out the top of her jeans waistband; belly flat and firm and rippled with a six-pack of muscle, saved from boyishness with just enough padding around the hips. Above that in a white translucent bra those breasts, nipples clearly visible through the sheer fabric, surprisingly dark for a redhead——I wondered whether I’d learn that night whether she was a real redhead. Cleavage freckled; arms muscled for a woman but nowhere near mannish; shoulders just big enough and sloped like a swimmer’s. And above it all that big happy face splitting grin.

Want to see more?

—Nah, I figure I’ll just turn in now. I’m up to page 1350 in Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire and I’m really eager to see how it turns out. Of course, I want to see more.

Then I want to see you naked first.

Like I said, I saw it coming. I’d switched from the company server to my private ISP as soon as the JPEGs started flying. It’s not like we were swapping Latvian kiddieporn but hey, I didn’t