The Parental Tool Box: For Parents and Clinicians

The

Parental

Tool Box

for

Parents

&

Clinicians

Dayna Guido

Jim Guido

Global Heart Books

Copyright © 2018 by Dayna Guido and Jim Guido

Cover Art Copyright © 2018 by Lucio Guido

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Global Heart Books, a division of the Global Heart Group, Asheville, 2018.

www.globalheartbooks.com

www.globalheartgroup.com

No parts of this book may be reproduced, translated, transmitted, stored, or used in any form or by any means graphic, electronic, or mechanical including but not limited to photocopying, scanning, uploading, recording, digitalizing, taping, Web distribution, information networks, or information storage and retrieval systems, without the prior written permission from the publisher. Attn Permissions Department, 1 Beech Tree Lane Asheville, NC 28804.

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-7321218-0-5    

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018904411

This book is dedicated

to the loving parent

inside us all.

Acknowledgements

We want to thank all of the children, adolescents, and families who have shared with us a privileged view of their private lives and personal experiences. The learning experience has always been a two-way street.

To our supervisors, mentors, and colleagues we thank you for the insight and perspectives which allowed our interventions to be effective and rewarding.

Gratitude goes to Dr. Brooke Judkins who provided us guidance on the selection of the book contents from the early days of our process.

We are appreciative of the judicious scrutiny of Donna Limperes’ editing skills. Her dedicated support helped keep our focus sharp.

We are indebted to our son, Lucio, who from an early age made us look good as parents, and whose formatting and production skills have greatly added to the visual comfort of The Parental Tool Box.

The

Parental

Tool Box

for

Parents

&

Clinicians

Introduction

In its earliest form the motivation for writing this book was to help support and expand the after care services for children and adolescents in out-of-home placements. Experience and data amply demonstrate that long term retention of therapeutic gains acquired through placements, programs, short term therapy, and interventions was less than impressive, to say the least.

During our discussions it became apparent that a tool box was not only needed upon termination of therapeutic services (such as when a child or young adult returns home after placement) but also in any significant transition. This might include a child moving to a less structured program; or to a higher level of care; or from one therapist to another.

Parents struggle with a therapeutic demand to be consistent while attempting to adapt to the various philosophies and practices of each facility and service provided. The transition problem is all the more magnified with the trend in human services to shorten the length of stay at a placement and the similar emphasis on short term therapy and intervention.

Yet, the more we thought about it, the need for a pragmatic, versatile, and comprehensive tool box for parents went even further than just in transitions and termination of a specific service or intervention. It would also be helpful for parents wanting to learn skills to improve their parenting and clinicians wanting to help parents implement effective relationship and communication skills with their children and adolescents.

Our vision of this book is for it to be a resource guide for parents and clinicians to find and maintain a common language throughout all interventions and stages of development. Therefore, the book’s mission statement is:

The Parental Tool Box for Parents & Clinicians is a compilation of strategies, perspectives, and skills to be used by parents and clinicians which effectively promote personal development and improved relationship functioning in children and families.

The recommended list of target audiences for this book includes anyone interested in the change process for children, adolescents, parents, and families. This includes parents, grandparents, guardians, clinicians, and other professionals. The Parental Tool Box is designed to be the thread that connects and maintains the best intentions of clinicians and parents in coordinating their efforts in the best interest of the child.

A clinician could use this book to help transfer gains made at an out-of-home placement to the family home. Similarly, a therapist could use the skills and strategies in the book on either side of a transition. A clinician releasing a resident to another program could use it as a way to help the child retain and transfer gains and changes to their next situation. A program taking on a child from a previous placement could use The Parental Tool Box to help in a smooth transition, continuing the skills learned previously and finding a common language the child can understand to assist in their learning and consistency.

Parents of children receiving services could use the book as a way of understanding professional interventions and practically transferring these skills and perspectives into the home and school environment. The book’s rich and varied description of skills and techniques could be used by any parent wishing to improve or expand on their parenting skills, even if their child has never been identified as being in need of an intervention.

The collection of skills, strategies, techniques, and perspectives contained in The Parental Tool Box are intended to be presented in a relatively neutral manner, not steeped in any specific school, model, or ideology. While some sections and exercises will be more at home with a specific model than others, every treatment modality should find ample skills and strategies which are harmonious with their style and objectives.

You will find at the end of each chapter numerous Home Improvement Projects. These projects are intended to give you an opportunity to put into practice what you are learning. Research shows us that repetition is the key to make a desired change in life.

Feel free to adapt the Home Improvement Projects in a way which is comfortable for you, such as writing out the answers to the questions, if writing is your preferred method for processing. It helps to dedicate a journal, notebook, or digital file to keep your writing in one place so you can refer to earlier projects. Write out the question before you answer it as that will help center your focus of attention. If you prefer to process by talking it out, try the method of recording the question and then speak out your answer. Recording is simple on smartphones and other handheld devices. The advantage to this method is that you can do the work while you are doing your daily walk or drive to work, or even while doing the dishes. The Home Improvement Projects can be done on an individual basis or with the support of a therapist. They are also useful tools to use with groups in training, or in a webinar.

In putting together this tool box the authors have drawn upon their practical experience with children, adolescents, and families in a variety of settings and functions. We have provided therapeutic services as staff, therapist, trainers, teachers, and consultants since the 1970’s. While the therapeutic profession continues to evolve and change, and cycles have come and gone and often come again, we have strived to find the common threads that successfully stood the test of time. We sincerely hope that you find ways to include and incorporate The Parental Tool Box into your personal and professional lives.

This brings us to a final observation before moving on to The Power of Words and the other sections of The Parental Tool Box. Obsessing over picking the right tool is not necessary since there is seldom a job that can be successfully completed with only one tool.

The strategies, skills, and perspectives that comprise the tool kit you will be assembling in this book are tools and not magic wands. Some of the tools will work for a long time, some might need to be replaced and updated as you and your kids grow, age, and develop.

While some tools may be more effective in a given situation than another, there are no inherently right or wrong tools. You will never find the perfect words to say in a given situation which will therapeutically transform your children, yourself, or others. If the tool used was ineffective at resolving the problem or issue, then the problem will still be there tomorrow or some time in the future. This means you will have plenty more opportunities to find or choose a better tool for the job.

Frequent use of the same tool in similar situations creates consistency and aids in the learning process by making things predictable. The frequent and consistent use of the same tool allows healthy habits to form, thus making it easier for you and others to engage in desired actions and responses naturally and effortlessly. Yet, variety is the spice of life, and sometimes varying the tools at your disposal allows people to see things in a new light or appreciate the situation from a fresh perspective. Trying out new tools enables you to be flexible to the inherent changes in the lives of your children as they grow and develop.

We know that in your busy lives repetition may seem like a daunting task. It would be dishonest for us to imply that new healthy skills and habits can be developed instantaneously. Research has shown that it takes four to six weeks to replace an old habit with a new one and indicates that it takes a minimum of 20 hours of actual practice to make a new skill into a habit (Lally, Van Jaarsveld, Potts, & Wardle, 2010). The more frequently your child has an opportunity to practice a new skill the quicker it can be mastered. The more frequently you practice the implementation and monitoring of these skills the quicker you will enjoy a mutually respectful home.

So, gather up your tool box and let’s add to the skills you already possess. You are on your way to build the relationship you desire with your child and become more of the parent you want to be.

Reframe, Replace, and Rewire

In the introduction we stated the Goal and Purpose of The Parental Tool Box as:

The Parental Tool Box for Parents & Clinicians is a compilation of strategies, perspectives, and skills to be used by parents and clinicians which effectively promote personal development and improved relationship functioning in children and families.

In order to accomplish this goal we have assembled a comprehensive and thorough parenting book. While many of you will find its diversity helpful others might find the sheer volume of its suggestions, strategies, and interventions a tad overwhelming or intimidating.

It might be helpful to keep in mind that all of the parental tools to be identified and described fall into three basic categories. Each tool will use Reframing, Replacing, and Rewiring (The 3 Rs) as a point of emphasis. We’ve developed and used The 3 Rs for over a decade which fit nicely into the current research on brain studies and the treatment of trauma.

The following descriptions should help you group strategies together so you can find them easier to understand and implement.

Reframe, Replace, and Rewire:

Reframe: Many of the strategies and interventions in this book will be geared towards giving you the means to teach your child how to see and feel things from a new perspective. These alternative ways of thinking and feeling will help your child be less defensive, defiant, and reactive. Their new found ability to reframe their feelings and perceptions will allow them to become more compassionate, open minded, and appreciative of the love, care, and concern that you show on a daily basis.

Replace: Another goal of many of the tools to which you will be introduced is to replace troublesome, unhealthy, alienating, or self-sabotaging behavior with those which will be more respectful of self and others. On many occasions we will discuss the benefits that the replacing of disruptive habits, attitudes, and behaviors have over the usually futile attempts to control, ignore, or extinguish them.

Rewire: On almost a daily basis information regarding the vital roles that biochemistry and neurology play in how we feel, think, and act is increasing. This knowledge forms the basis of the entire realm of interventions by the medical field to aid in areas such as depression, anxiety, and the ability to focus and be attentive. In The Parental Tool Box we will explore other means such as diet, exercise, and activities which can assist in the improved functioning and attitude of your child.

The tools in The Parental Tool Box are designed to have a positive impact on not only your child’s habits and behaviors, but also on their emotional and psychological well being. In the chapter Maximizing Therapeutic Growth we will discuss the ways the habitual/behavioral, emotional/psychological, and neurological/biochemical elements interrelate and are interdependent.

Each time you choose to introduce, teach, and use a tool presented in this book will be an opportunity to improve the relationship between you and your child. While reading this book remember that every tool will help both parent/child, teacher/student, and therapist/client to grow and develop by having them Reframe, Replace, and Rewire.

The Power of Words

It is almost impossible to overstate the importance and power of words. Words make up the skeletons of most everything in our lives. They are the structural foundation of our self-esteem, all of our Relationships, and how we feel and think about the world in which we live. We believe words to be the foundation of building positive, healthy Relationships so we start with The Power of Words as the first skills to place in our tool box.

In the following chapters we will explore (through various skills, strategies, and Home Improvement Projects) ways to increase your comfort and control over the words you choose as well as the influence your words have on yourself and others. The words we speak and which comprise our thoughts, not only express who we are but help create who we will become.

Often problems, conflicts, and unsuccessful Relationships can be resolved or improved by the simple process of becoming increasingly conscious of the words we choose and the effects they have on others and ourselves. Words are often very instrumental in the creation of a healthy self-concept and in our ability to have people appreciate and understand us. Therefore, we start with The Power of Words.

The attitudes and judgments inherent in the words we choose to articulate and describe our experiences, desires, and reactions have a powerful influence over how we are perceived and how others will be inclined to react to us. There are many skills and exercises we can engage in which will have us gain more control and awareness of the words we choose.

The roles and functions of words are too numerous to list but some of the more predominate roles are to express, describe, articulate, question, investigate, inform, educate, and stimulate. Words are a major way in which we gain access to the world of others and let them into others into our own rich internal world of thoughts and feelings.

The Relationships between words, feelings, and experiences are very complex and interlinked. Words also create, alter, modify, color, and redirect our thoughts and feelings.

The Power of Words can be used to create love, support, and care or can be used to hurt, betray, or destroy one’s sense of pride and dignity. Words can be building blocks or tear down Relationships.

In this section on The Power of Words we will provide you with the tools necessary to build and maintain the home environment you desire. The verbal techniques and strategies which follow focus on creating caring, supportive, and mutually respectful Relationships. You will be introduced to a host of communication skills which can be used to help you enforce Family Rules and guidelines in a manner which minimizes conflicts and Avoids Power Struggles, while also engendering cooperation and familial pride.

In each chapter we will present a topic or skill which can become an essential element in the structure of your home and be added to The Parental Tool Box. Each topic and strategy will contain its general format, procedure, mechanics, and hints of things you might want to be aware of to maximize its benefits. When appropriate, we also cross reference topics which can be found in other chapters.

The words we consciously choose can help us create family habits, traditions, and guidelines which promote the functioning of a caring home. It is through these healthy communication patterns that we are able to ensure every member of the household feels safe and appreciated. Just as there is a tool for almost any task, there are word patterns and strategies for almost any familial situation.

Every person and every family is unique, so the ways in which you use and modify the tools presented will vary. Yet, despite being unique, all people and all families have much in common. It is this simple fact that allows us to find a relatively small array of communication and verbal strategies which can be counted upon to benefit every family. Verbal techniques which promote qualities such as respect, care, recognition, appreciation, love, and harmony are valuable to every family. The exact manner in which they are implemented may vary but their basics remain the same. In other words, we have the final say in the functional and emotional tenor of our family home.

Framing

Chapter One

The skill of Framing is one of the most basic but powerful language tools you can employ. This skill is central to any discussion regarding a person’s options and ability to choose their words (Burnett & Evans, 2016).

Most people are familiar with the concept of Framing in both photography and painting. The visual mood, impact, and message of a photo or drawing is highly influenced by how the scene is framed. Likewise, the words you choose to frame your experience, feelings, or thoughts have a great impact on what they mean to you and how you will remember them and incorporate them into your life.

An example of word frames with which most of us are familiar are the concepts of optimism and pessimism. We have all heard that an optimist views the glass as half full and the pessimist as half empty. This frame means that an optimist anticipates the glass filling further and becoming complete, while the pessimist predicts or warns that the glass is on its way to becoming empty and unfit to nourish or refresh us.

The above Frame is often used to Advocate a person adopt a positive optimistic frame over the negative pessimistic viewpoint. Yet, the tenor of this manual is not to Advocate one viewpoint while prohibiting another. The glass half empty or half full frame is more about alerting us to the potential impact such a habitual perspective could have on our life.

This is not to say that optimism is superior or more desirable in all situations than pessimism, but only that one be aware of what impact their choice of words and viewpoints has on their emotions and Relationships. The more aware a person becomes of the way they frame their experiences in word and thought, the more conscious control they can have of the choices they make.

Two professions which are very aware of the power of verbal frames are novelists and advertisers. Both of these professions choose words designed to elicit a specific response in the reader/listener. An ad man understands that the words he chooses to describe a product can greatly impact sales numbers. The novelist carefully chooses his words to describe a setting or scene to elicit a desired mood or emotional response from the audience. The description of identical scenes would vary greatly in a romantic, suspense, or horror novel.

Your experience would be quite different if you described a mountain as being majestic and awesome as opposed to ominous and foreboding. Likewise you would be more willing to go into the ocean tomorrow if you described today’s dip as invigorating and stimulating rather than freezing or shocking.

Even when not in the throes of a specific emotion we all have basic moods and attitudes which color most of our perceptions and experiences. These styles and common responses are what make up our basic personality and character type.

Conscious awareness of our most common frames help us understand ourselves and the effects we have on those around us. Becoming aware of our children’s most common frames helps us identify some of our strong emotional reactions to their verbal presentations and attitudes.

In this manner we can begin to change the ways we interact with our children. We can reframe our statements which most elicit negative responses from our children. We also can have them reframe statements to which we find ourselves or others having an adverse reaction (Pozatek, 2011).

Significant changes in people’s verbal frames alter the way they feel about and experience the world, themselves, and their Relationships. This can be accomplished by frequently offering an alternative frame to the person, or by having them reframe many of their statements, descriptions and judgements.

We have witnessed many children and adults who suffered from severe performance anxiety in sports, tests, and peer interaction make substantial progress by learning how to reframe. Often this was accomplished by choosing words that describe the situation as an opportunity, rather than an expectation or necessity. In this manner they were able to build on their successes and be patient with the errors that are part of any growth process.

As a parent we can help our children make shifts in basic attitudes and stances which are reflected in their verbal habits by reframing some of their statements and having them restate things in a more positive or healthy light. New verbal habits will slowly give rise to new ways of feeling, viewing, and interacting with their world.

Over time the way a person frames things shows up in patterns of thought and action. An example is one’s preferred frames are often structured in a diagnosis or personality type. The frames of a person with depression are often filled with hopelessness, futility, and emptiness. An anxious person frames their experiences in words filled with worry, fear, and mistrust. A defiant person frames things as a battle, competition, and power struggle. In essence, people’s verbal frames reflect how they feel about themselves and their role in the world.

A diagnosis could be viewed in the following manner. A diagnosis is a constellation of behaviors which are indicative of a specific style and manner of interacting with others and responding to one’s environment.

Framing can be done in a supportive manner in which your child will not feel highly criticized or judged. Framing, when offered as a guiding or expanding tool, can often prevent your child from reacting in a defensive manner, especially if done in one-on-one situations in which they won’t feel embarrassed or shamed.

Framing is a tool for you to address your child’s remarks which you or others could find insulting, harsh, threatening, vulgar, or offensive in a way which is non-confrontational or emotionally charged. Having your child practice a socially acceptable reframe of an inappropriate remark can often successfully Replace the old habit with a more acceptable alternative without the need for a power struggle or consequences.

Summary of Framing

What it is:

Framing is the conscious choice of words which present an alternate or desired way of viewing and internalizing an experience, situation, or interpersonal interaction, such as a conversation.

Reframing is when you reword a statement or thought soon after you have said or thought it, allowing you to see and feel the same situation from a more desirable or effective perspective.

Why use it:

Framing is a very valuable verbal tool with the following two general uses.

First, Framing can be used to broaden and expand your way of seeing and feeling, thereby preventing becoming stuck, frozen, or stagnant. It allows you an opportunity to see and experience the world in a manner different from your habitual way of being.

The second general purpose is to assist you in altering or Replacing a way of viewing or experiencing the world with a stance you no longer desire. Through frequent frames and reframes you can replace anxiety with anticipation; worry with care and concern; demands with guidance and support; dependence with connection; selfishness with self-reliance (autonomy); and need for appreciation with gratitude.

In sum, Framing is a versatile tool that can be used to improve self-esteem, develop a new perspective, and become less argumentative.

Reframe, Replace, and Rewire:

Framing allows you to help your child see things from a new and healthier perspective. Through frequent repetition and practice of the skill of Reframing you can have your child Replace an old habitual defensive, anxious, or disrespectful perspective with a new frame showing curiosity, adaptability, or confidence. The emotional tenor of these new frames will slowly impact your child’s neurology and biochemistry by successfully Rewiring them.

Framing

Home Improvement Projects

1.Describe a recent interaction you had with a stranger (a cashier or waitress). Example: The waitress spilled the tea all over me and the table at the restaurant.

2.Now describe the same interaction from a different emotional perspective. Using dramatic or strong emotions will make this exercise easier for you. Describe the interaction from negative emotions such as anger, disgust, irritation, or conceit. Example: The waitress banged down my tea on the table and it spilled over onto my hand. I was filled with hot resentment and irritation.

3.Try describing this same interaction from a positive emotion such as kindness, joy or humor. Notice how different the experience of the interaction becomes depending on the emotional frame. Example: The waitress was very apologetic after spilling the tea all over the table.

4.Identify a quality you possess. Example: I am loyal.

5.Frame this quality in a positive manner. Example: People know they can depend on me in hard times.

6.Frame this quality in a negative manner. Example: I sometimes defend friends when they have done something hurtful to others.

7.Identify a quality your child possesses. Example: My child is honest.

8.Frame this quality in a positive manner. Example: My child tells people what he is feeling.

9.Frame this quality in a negative manner. Example: My child often bluntly expresses his feelings in an angry and aggressive way.

10.Identify a quality you and your child share. Example: We both have a great sense of humor.

11.Frame this quality in a positive manner for your child. Example: My son loves to tell jokes and make people laugh.

12.Frame this quality in a negative manner for your child. Example: My son is very sarcastic with his put downs.

13.Can you think of a time in the last week when you might have used the tool of Framing with your child which would have made your interaction more pleasant?

Scripts and Dress Rehearsals

Chapter Two

Scripts and Dress Rehearsals are highly related and similar to the skill of Framing. The major difference is that Scripts and Dress Rehearsals involve planning and being prepared while Framing is something you do in the moment.

If we have repeatedly performed badly in a given situation, such as Giving Criticism to a colleague, we may want to Script and plan our next opportunity to express concerns. By