Funny Quote Quotes

“After a long moment, Laurent said, "I'm going to need some help standing up.”
― C.S. Pacat, Kings Rising

“Alex promised to keep watch. At least I think that’s what she said. She could have announced I’ll invite Loki into camp and kill you all in your sleep! HAHAHAHA! and I still would’ve passed out.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.”
― Ryan Lilly

“Thor frowned as if he’d just had a thought, which must have been a painful experience.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“It didn’t take him thirty seconds to have a swig of vodka and a hefty sniff before his hands were as steady as a bloke with his bollocks caught in a zip”
― Matthew Bracey, Steel Dogs

“There must be something in here that can drill through eight miles of
solid rock.”
He considered a hand drill, a tape measure, a corkscrew, and the iron staff we’d almost died retrieving from Geirrod’s fortress. He threw them all to the floor.
“Nothing!” he said in disgust. “Useless junk!”
Perhaps you could use your head, Hearthstone signed. That is very hard.
“Oh, don’t try to console me, Mr. Elf,” said Thor.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“—¿Monty? —Puso cara de horror. Por Dios, ¿qué les hizo a sus padres para que lo odiaran nada más nacer?
—Viene de Montgomery.
—No sé si hace que sea peor.”
― Joana Marcús, Antes de diciembre

“Toward the urn the three children raced in a dead heat, Jane still shouting . FOR CHURCHILL, NELSON, AND PRINCE WILLIAM!”
― Jeanne Birdsall, The Penderwicks: A Summer Tale of Four Sisters, Two Rabbits, and a Very Interesting Boy

“—¿Me van a dejar pasar comida en el aeropuerto?
Se van a pensar que es una terrorista dijo Steve.
—la rerrorista de las albóndigas —añadió Sonny, y los dos empezaron a reírse a carcajadas otra vez.”
― Joana Marcús, Antes de diciembre

“the giants let loose a deafening cheer. “Kill the humans!”
“Shut it!” Thrynga yelled. “We have humans with us!”
The giants murmured. Someone in the back said, “Present company excepted.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“Live and live.”
― Claire Chilton

“Dowist: (n.) blind believer in the stock market.”
― Sol Luckman, The Angel's Dictionary

“fanny-pack: (v.) to put on a few extra pounds during the holiday season.”
― Sol Luckman, The Angel's Dictionary

“Every big dream begins with a little nap.”
― Yohann Dafeu

“First comes the fun, then comes the great idea.”
― Arif Naseem

“My ass is taking part in the next Ass Of The Year Championships next week, at Asscot.”
― Lee Pong Wong, My Smelly Ass: Kids Funny Bedtime Story Picture Book

“global warming: (n.) result of excessive hot-air emissions by climate scientists.”
― Sol Luckman, The Angel's Dictionary

“A less than friendly email this morning... [from a booksop customer]

After lunch I went to my parents' house to get my shotgun and shoot a kindle (broken screen, bought on eBay for £10)”
― Shaun Bythell, The Diary of a Bookseller

“We stopped for the driver, Sergei, to take a bathroom break in the woods. He had taken a dislike to me. 'What would you have done', he asked, 'if it were minus thirty, which it might well have been, and you were wearing those light trousers?' I said that the fabric was high-tech and I had worn the trousers in the Arctic, and showed him my merino leggings underneath, and two pairs of thermal socks. at this news he changed tack. 'Far too much for this mild weather'.”
― Sara Wheeler, Mud and Stars: Travels in Russia with Pushkin, Tolstoy, and Other Geniuses of the Golden Age

“Everything I touched seemed to be cursed—the next person who came in contact with that sunbed probably contracted HIV and died of a stubbed toe.”
― Bing Fraser, Unprotected Treks: The Politically Incorrect Blueprint for World Travel

“Every day I try to do something good in the world. Today, for example, I put on deodorant.”
― Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing: The Best of Year One

“Never keep your piranhas in the toilet because all you get are bad memories.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“If you think that happiness = Life - problems; then you must be suffering from a severe form of dys-life-calculia.”
― Anoir Ou-chad

“Love is like a fart...If you have to force it … its probably shit...”
― Bhushan Mahadani

“No shoes and a ball cap are better than steel toes and a hard hat.”
― George S. Midla, Not White Bread: A Memoir

“Marg muttered something under her breath. It was either “Who does he think he is?” or “I hope he has no kids.” Weird that I’d mix the two of those up.
You’re right. It was probably the sec…first one. First one.”
― Finn Eccleston, The Community

“A girl in Los Angeles that I thought was Australian but was Kiwi told me I could tell everyone when I got back to England I'd met a girl from New Zealand. I told her I was Irish and we'd made the same mistake!”
― Stewart Stafford

“Feminism? Oh, it's totally unnecessary today. Just like seat belts and life jackets.”
― Anubha Saxena

“When you have bacon and eggs for breakfast, the chicken makes a contribution, the pig makes a commitment.”
― Ryan Gosling

“The impact of her tender and battered hand against his rough and wind-worn face was annoyingly painful.”
― Abigail Kay Harris, A Noble Thief (The Archives of Correx, #1): A Goldilocks Retelling