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The Dice Player [excerpt]1 Mahmud Darwish Translated by Ahmad Diab Who am I to say to you What I say to you? I am not a stone that was polished by water Until it became a face Nor am I a cane that was punctured by wind Until it became a flute… I am the dice player Sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose I am like you Or a little bit less… I was born by the well And the three bushes, lonesome like nuns I was born with no ceremony or a midwife And I was given my name by coincidence And I belonged to a family By coincidence I inherited its features, traits And illnesses: First – Defect in its veins And high blood pressure Second – Timidity in addressing mother and father And grandmother, tree Third – The hope to recover from the flu With a cup of hot chamomile Fourth – Laziness in talking about the deer and the lark Fifth – Boredom on winter nights Sixth – A miserable failure at singing I have no role in what I was It was a coincidence that I was A male A coincidence to see the moon 1 The Arabic original “Laʿeb Al-Nard” was first published in the daily Al-Quds Al-Arabi on 7-1-2008. The full translation was published in Washington Square Review, issue 24. Pale like a lemon, teasing the night’s awakened ladies And I didn’t work hard To find A mole in the most private spot of my body! I could have not been My father could have not Got married to my mother by coincidence Or I could have Like my sister who cried then died And didn’t notice That she was born for one hour And didn’t know her mother Or: like pigeons’ eggs that broke Before the chicks dawned out of their shells It was by chance that I stayed Alive in the bus accident When I was late for my school trip Because I forgot life and its ways When I used to read at night a love story I would impersonate the role of the author And the role of the lover – the victim So I was the martyr of love in the novel And the survivor in the traffic accident. I have no role in joking with the sea Because I am a frivolous son Who likes to dawdle in the allurement of water, Who calls: Come to me! And I have no role in surviving the sea A human seagull saved me, When he saw the waves fishing for me and numbing my hand I could have not been inflicted With the genie of Jahelite poetry, Had the door of the house faced north And had not overlooked the sea, Had the army’s patrol not seen the villages’ fire Baking at night, Had fifteen martyrs Rebuilt the barracks, Had that countryside not broken, Perhaps I would have been an olive Or a geography teacher Or an expert on the ants’ kingdom Or a guard for the echo! Who am I to say to you What I say At the church’s door I am a mere throw of a dice Between a prey and a predator I gained sobriety Not to enjoy my moonlit night But to witness the massacre I survived by coincidence; I was smaller than a military target And larger than a bee frequenting the flowers of the fence I was scared for my siblings and my father I was scared for a time of glass I was scared for my cat and my rabbit And for a dazzling moon over the tall mosque’s minaret I was scared for the grapes of the grove Dangling like our bitch’s breast…. Fear escorted me, and I him Barefoot, forgetting my little memories of what I want From tomorrow – No time for tomorrow – I walk/ I jog/ I run/ I ascend/ I descend/ I shout/ I bark/ I howl/ I call/ I wail/ I speed up/ I slow down/ I tumble/ I grow light/ I grow dry/ I walk I fly/ I see/ I do not see/ I stumble/ I become yellow/ I become green/ I become blue/ I cleave I sob/ I become thirsty/ I get tired/ I starve/ I fall/ I rise/ I run I forget/ I see/ I do not see/ I remember/ I hear/ I behold/ I rave/ I hallucinate I whisper/ I scream/ I cannot/ I moan/ I go mad/ I get lost/ I grow less/ and more I fall/ I go high/ I land/ I bleed/ I faint