A family systems model for divorce and the loss of self

A Family Systems M odel for Divorce and the Loss of Self Judith Haber zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHG The dissolution of a marriage through divorce represents a major loss in the lies of all family members. Losses can include those of a physical, social, and emotional nature. The self as it was defined within the marital context and the loss of that self as a result of divorce is a significant source of potential dysfunction in adult family members during and after the divorce. From a family systems’ perspective, the lower the level of differentiation of self in famiiy members, the greater is the likelihood that the self was defined in a fusional way during the marriage. As such, when the fused common self is lost through divorce, one or both spouses is likely to experience a significant sense of loss as well as potential dysfunction. The purpose of this article is to propose a model that helps divorced people deal with the loss of self and assists them to define a more differentiated sense of self. 0 1990 zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA by W.B. Saunders Company. zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA occurring simultaneously with a child leaving HE DISSOLUTION of marriage through dihome for school, a geographic move, or a parent vorce represents a major loss in the lives of dying, the stress quotient and repercussions are all family members. Losses include those of a likely to be much greater (Carter & McGoldrick, physical, emotional and social nature. Among 1980). Research evidence suggests that there is a them are loss of one parent from the family, loss of positive correlation between the amount of negathe protective presence of two parents who can tive impact stress and psychological, physical, and buffer and spell each other as needed, and loss of social dysfunction (Haber, 1990). the symbols, traditions, and continuity of the intact Within the nuclear family, the major loss lies family, not to mention possible losses such as the within the marital subsystem and involves loss of family home, school, and neighborhood. Such one’s spouse. This contributes to a phenomenon losses and their sequelae can be experienced for that has been observed among many divorcing years following the marital rupture (Wallerstein, couples and that can be identified as loss of self. 1986). The self, as it was defined within the marital conThe extent to which sequelae occur is often a text, and the loss of that self as a result of divorce, function of the stress and anxiety generated by the is a significant source of distress and potential dysinteraction of multigenerational patterns and lifefunction in adult family members during and after cycle transitions. When extensive multigenerathe divorce process. tional patterns of loss exist and interact with curThe purpose of this article is to develop a clinrent transitions involving loss, such as a divorce zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDC ical model, based on Bowen’s family systems theory, that deals with the loss of self phenomenon. T From the Department of Nursing, College of Mount Saint Vincent Riverdale, NY Address reprint requests to Judith Haber, Ph.D., R.N., C.S., Director, Department of Nursing College of Mount Saint Vincent Riverdale, NY 10471. 0 1990 by W.B. Saunders Company. 0883-9417/ 90/ 0404-0003$3.00/ 0 228 THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK From a family systems perspective, one of the major factors influencing the experience of loss in divorce is the level of differentiation of self of the Archives of Psychiatric Nursing, Vol. IV, No. 4 (August), 1990: pp. 228-234 229 DIVORCE AND THE LOSS OF SELF individuals involved (Christofori, 1977). Based on the Bowen (1978) theory and the work of Fogarty (1977), the lower the level of differentiation of self is in family members, the greater the likelihood is that the self was defined in a fusional way during the marriage. The fusion may have been manifested as conflict, overfunctioning/underfunctioning or in the projection process (Bowen, 1978). When fusion manifests as conflict or a symptomatic child, it is particularly difficult for couples to recognize and understand the extent of their enmeshment. Nevertheless, it has been operational. And, as such, when the fused, common self is lost through divorce, one or both spouses is likely to experience a significant sense of loss and a temporary dysfunction, such as alcohol or drug abuse, depression, violence, suicidal ideation or gestures and attempts, or physical health problems. Couples who have been intensely conflictuai expect to feel relief and elation when the marital split occurs. They are often surprised at the general sense of loss and loss of self they experience. For example, Paula and Tom B. had had an intensely conflictual relationship for 20 years that was characterized by frequent fights and reactive distance. Paula predicted that she would feel “as if a weight had been lifted” when Tom moved out. How could she miss him when all they did was fight or not speak, only living together under the same roof? Instead, within a week of Tom’s departure, Paula described feeling like she had a gaping hole inside of her. Reflecting on the feeling, Paula realized that she and Tom had been an integral, albeit dysfunctional, part of each other’s life, that the cycle of conflict, resolution, and distance had occupied a great deal of her adult self. Without Tom and the presence of this pattern, she experienced an acute sense of loss. Clients who manifest the devastation associated with the overt breaking of the fused relationship most commonly state, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” During a fusional relationship, boundaries have been so loose and blurred that spouses ceased to know where they ended and the other began, or who and what they were and supplied in the relationship. The fusion is really a blending of one person into another. This may be manifested in either overcloseness or reactive distance, as illustrated in Fig 1. Carol and Bill F. presented as a couple characterized by overcloseness. Through- Fused - Over-close n0 Fused-Distant Figure 1. Fusion. out their lo-year marriage, they had been a close couple. Except for the time they spent at their jobs, they spent all their time together. They had very few friends, saw relatives infrequently, and spent the majority of their time remodeling their house, or volunteering together in a community AdoptA-Child project. When the overt fusion is broken because of impending, ongoing, or completed divorce proceedings, the result can be traumatic to either or both spouses. Spouses frequently describe themselves as feeling as if they have lost a part of themselves or that they feel incomplete. For example, Bill F., feeling increasingly suffocated by the overclose marital interaction pattern, began family therapy sessions to get his thoughts and feelings crystallized. Despite telling Carol about his dissatisfaction and asking her to work with him on changing this pattern, they were unable to negotiate a more functional pattern of closeness and distance. When Bill told Carol that he was initiating a legal separation, she was so traumatized that she began expressing suicidal ideation, saying that without him she was like a wax candle and would melt away. She collapsed into such a state of helplessness that 230 JUDITH HABER toxic issues. At this point, patterns and toxic issues related to loss, marriage, divorce, and differentiation of self are particularly important to pursue. In addition to a genogram, diagramming of triangles and collection of other family data, a Level of Differentiation of Self Scale (LDSS) is administered as a family assessment tool. This is a valid and reliable 24-item Likert scale that measures the degree of differentiation between emotional and intellectual system functioning (Haber, 1984; Figure 2. Loss of self. 1990). Administration of the LDSS enables the nurse to determine the person’s functional level of differentiation. This provides a measure of fusion, he postponed his plans for 3 months and took care and, by logical extension, the likelihood of the of her. With coaching from the nurse, he was able loss-of-self phenomenon. For example, when to keep his goal in sight and not get reenmeshed in Brian and Susan M., a couple whose interaction the fusional process. Fig 2 illustrates the loss of pattern was characterized by alternating cycles of self that is experienced when the fusional overoverclosness and reactive distance, began therapy, closeness or distance is disrupted. zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA their LDSS scores were 46 and 40 respectively, CLINICAL MODEL based on a scoring range of 24-96. These scores indicate a high level of fusion and a high likelihood The clinical model, based on the Bowen (1978) that the loss-of-self phenomenon would ensue. Theory, assists divorcing or divorced people in During the engagement stage, clients are often dealing with the loss-of-self phenomenon. The in crisis, and structural interventions are used to outcome is the development of a more differentiinitiate grieving, decrease anxiety and increase ated self. The paradigm consists of four stages, as coping and level of functioning. illustrated in Table 1, that unfold over approxiSpouses who are holding on to the marriage mately 1 to 2 years. One year is the period of time come in feeling devastated; these people are almost it takes to reexperience all of the seasons and nodal universally hurt and angry. They have a significant events common to the marital dyad and to the famdegree of anxiety about the future and often report ily system that no longer exist in the same way. disturbed sleeping and eating patterns, periodic However, it is not necessary for the client to be in dizziness, palpitations and inability to concentrate. therapy continually during this period of time. IniThe level of functioning of the people in this potially weekly sessions are necessary to decrease sition is usually dramatically compromised. For anxiety, deal with immediate stressors, establish example, Susan M. lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks, had goals and begin the therapeutic work. As clients difficulty falling asleep, felt lightheaded, and felt progress, they frequently need increasing amounts like her anxiety was eating her up. of time on their own to carry out therapeutic family At a time when such clients are experiencing assignments that facilitate the evolution of a deintense loss that was not bargained for and signiffined self. zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA icant loss of control with regard to managing their lives and self, it is the nurse’s first priority to deStage I: Engagement crease anxiety and to mobilize the devastated perDuring this stage, a nuclear and multigenerason’s personal and relationship resources. It is imtional family assessment is carried out to identify portant to listen to and validate the distress by significant multigenerational family patterns and conveying the message that a powerful emotional reaction is normal for this kind of loss and that it Table 1. Clinical Model For Dealing With Loss of Self takes time to regain one’s sense of self and stability. Engagement Stage I Increasing self-focus Stage II Steps are taken to help clients begin to take What are the missing pieces? Stage Ill charge of their lives. The nurse assists clients in Defining a self Stage IV determining priorities in their daily responsibilities I :I> Loss of self DIVORCE AND THE LOSS 231 OF SELF to make things more manageable. Susan M. was asked to make a list of responsibilities she absolutely had to carry out on a typical day. She was also asked to identify those personal and relationship resources that could help support her in accomplishing this goal. She was coached on how to reach out to family and friends in a functional way that enlisted their support and provided other relationship options in a situation otherwise pervaded by loss. Susan reported that this was effective in establishing an organizing framework for her at a time of high anxiety. Clients talk about fears and are encouraged to do reality testing around them using the “what if” and “fearful fantasy” approach. Essentially, the nurse tries to neutralize the client’s fears. For example, John D. was concerned that he would be unable to handle meeting his separated wife’s boyfriend or coping with the boyfriend’s involvement with his children. When the nurse asked him what his fearful fantasy was about meeting his wife’s boyfriend, he replied that he was afraid that he would get violent. The nurse then explored the probability and consequences of this behavior occurring. John was finally able to identify that violence was not a usual coping style for him and that the consequences of his children witnessing such behavior made it an unlikely occurrence. John and the nurse proceeded to work out more functional alternatives for dealing with that situation. He called his wife, told her that he was not ready to meet her boyfriend and requested a pickup arrangement that took place when the man was not present. Clients are also connected with a support system. Options include extended family, friendship and community networks. If a person is still pursuing his or her spouse in an attempt to preserve the marriage, and this can be true even after years of separation, he or she is coached to pull back to a more functionally distant position. This is facilitated by connectedness with a support system. Susan M., a relatively isolated person, was coached on how to connect with a support system. Activities that she enjoyed, but had done alone, were used as a vehicle for connecting with a variety of networks. She joined the local garden club, a quilting society, a Great Books discussion club and held a kaffee klatch for several new neighbors. Within 6 months, she had developed a number of friendships from membership in these groups and had less of a need to pursue her now-separated husband in an unceasing manner. However, it is difficult to totally give up a pattern of pursuit or distance that has been an essential dimension of one’s self-definition. Spouses who want a divorce often come in calmer, thinking that a solution to life’s problems has just been found. They are often covering their loss and emptiness with a new relationship. To the degree that the spouse’s functioning is impaired, the same engagement steps are taken. One of the main tasks for the spouse is to adjust the pace of movement away from the marriage and towards a new relationship. Frequently, when this spouse is already in a new primary relationship, it is essential to slow the tempo of involvement. Brian M. had been involved in an affair for a year before leaving his wife, Susan. He was ready to move in with his girlfriend and marriage was soon to follow because this relationship seemed to be better. When asked to explore the similarities and differences between his new relationship and his relationship with Susan, Brian was eventually able to identify that both precluded his having the freedom he thought he craved. He was able to see his participation in not having it. Instead, he took his own apartment and slowed the tempo of the new relationship to give himself time to experience himself as a separate person. Such clients are usually attempting to cover the relationship loss with the next relationship. The loss of self is masked with another fusional relationship that looks different on the outside, but is essentially similar in terms of its fusional features. Ideally, such people should be asked to divest themselves of another significant relationship for 6 months to 1 year. They should use the time to get to know themselves intimately without fusional entanglement with a new person. Questions raised by the nurse might include: “What will it be like for you to be alone’?.” “Do you see yourself as a survivor?,” “If you were to go under, what would make it happen?,” and “How long did you think it would take for you to need someone special?” zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUT Stage II: Increasing Self- Focus This stage focuses on helping a client move from an other focus, that of blaming her or his spouse for the misery that has been caused. To facilitate movement toward a self-focus, clients must accept that a marriage that ends in divorce is 232 a personal failure. They need to understand what the relationship patterns were and the limitations in each that did not allow either each self or the relationship to flourish. Clients are asked to define their 50% participation in the marital dissolution. Brian M. was eventually able to identify that although he had felt resentful of Susan’s emotional pursuit, he had participated by complying with it, but in a distant, perfunctory way. He began to understand how the distance-pursuit cycle operated in their relationship and the portion each contributed to it. It also involves having clients focus on their yearning for what the spouse contributed to the definition of self that is now missing and that self they perceive to be missing. They commonly feel like they have been stripped of their selfhood: “Who or what am I without him or her?” It is common for a client, during this stage, to frantically search for another who will fill the gap and complete him or her, at least in an illusory way; such a search will set them up to repeat prior relationship pattms. After her divorce, Nancy D. engaged in numerous, brief affairs; she described each one as a search for the elusive missing piece. This was a process that stopped when she was able to begin confronting her own selfhood. Therapy focuses the client on the self as much as can be tolerated. Clients take increasing responsibility for who, what, and how they are. This is something many clients have never confronted. This is particularly true for women who went from being their parents’ daughter to being their husband’s wife, without ever having defined themselves as an autonomous, differentiated person who exists apart from another. Nancy D. married upon graduation from college and basked in her husband’s career success and community status. She went from being a daughter of one successful physician to being the wife of another. It was with great pain that she explored her own capabilities as an autonomous adult woman. Since research evidence, including Wallerstein’s (1986) lo-year followup study, indicates that anger and resentment tend to prevail, clients are encouraged to give up their bitter bank of blame, hurt, resentment, anger and unmet expectations. By reframing the bitter bank as a selfdestructive phenomenon, the focus shifts from spouse to self (Gilbert and Burden, 1982). Clients must be guided back through these emotions, or JUDITH HABER else they will remain stuck in the past (Fogarty, 1977), which will limit their ability to move ahead into the present and future. As such, clients are taught that they are responsible for how they feel. As the bitter bank that has been their raison d’etre and central source of self-definition dissipates, clients are often at a loss to define themselves and focus their lives. This is where defining a self begins. They have begun to let go of the idea of the spouse as both a saviour and an enemy. They learn more about the part they have played in what happened, rather than continuing to perceive themselves as a victim. They also begin to take more responsibility for meeting their own needs. An example of this process is illustrated by Jane A., who realized that in her marriage, she had been expecting her husband to meet all of her emotional needs. She began to understand that when she pursued him in that manner, he felt overwhelmed, inadequate, and distanced under stress. Understanding began to replace the self-absorbed, disinterested image she had had of him. Her anger and hurt about his behavior arose from the part of her that was fused with him emotionally, the part of her that had no self-definition and was unable to gratify herself apart from what he gave her emotionally. She finally realized that, despite her expectations, he had over the years given very little to the relationship on an emotional level. Jane had a great deal of difficulty reconciling what she had wanted with what she actually had had from her husband. She never had consciously realized how little it had been. Her emotional pursuit of him had also been a function of the dearth of other family and friendship relationship options, which she now began to develop. zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIH Stage III: What Are The Missing Pieces? During this stage, clients embark on discovering who, indeed, they are. Questions such as “Who am I?“, “What do I have?“, “What don’t I have as a person.,7 ” “What do I look to others to complete in me?” are posed. Clients are coached about how to make trips back into their families of origin to research missing generational pieces. They try to discover who their parents are, how relationship patterns unfold in their families of origin and how their own need to fuse with another is derived from family relationship patterns. Role modeling of this phenomenon in the family of origin is studied extensively. Reentry into the family of origin, albeit DIVORCE AND THE LOSS OF SELF 233 nurse and had several hobbies. She had several in a different way, increases relationship options, friends, an occasional date, more contact with her as does the effort to expand one’s social network. extended family and even had remained connected For example, Paula B. was emotionally cut off to several members of Brian’s family. She was from her family of origin. During therapy she exable to meet with him about custody issues without plored parallels between her relationship with Tom pursuing or blaming him. She felt able to take and relationship patterns in her family of origin. charge of her half of the relationship in a more Her father’s and Tom’s pattern of infidelity were functional manner. parallel as were her and her mother’s feelings of At the conclusion of therapy, the LDSS is readvictimization. She had cut off from her family of ministered to clients to determine a change in their origin to distance from the pain of unescapable functional level of differentiation. In at least 60% similarities. of the 75 cases that have been completed by this Her father, now dead, was mourned through unauthor, the loss of self has been resolved to a great mailed letters to him that expressed her pain in a extent and a more functional and whole self has noncritical way. Visits to her mother revolved emerged. Since the basic level of differentiation is around their mutual pain and a clarification of difrelatively stable, in contrast to the functional level, ferences. As she better understood the context of clients are cautioned about the reappearance of reher mother’s experience, she was able to relate to flex relationship patterns when stress and anxiety her in a noncritical manner for the first time and to are high. (Bowen, 1978) Self-assessment and inlet go of her own bitterness. Her relationships with tervention strategies or a checkup visit with the her siblings were reestablished as she initiated the therapist during times like these are advisable at sharing of past and present experiences related to least during the year following the termination of family relationships. therapy. Powerful feelings of loss are a predictable part of the mourning process. Multigenerational patIMPLICATIONS FOR NURSING PRACTICE terns suggest how loss is coped with in the family This model is most effective with clients who of origin. Clients need permission to modify such not only want for their life to be different, but also coping patterns within the evolving definition of are willing to engage in a process of change. The their emerging self. zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA phenomenon of loss of self is not something such Stage IV: Defining A Self people want to continue. The clients who are the most successful are those who are ready to examDuring the final stage of therapy, clients equipped with a provisional sense of solid self ine relationship patterns, maintain a self-focus, work on operationalizing their emotional gains. take responsibility for their 50% of the process and Situations are designed to test their ability to take experiment with new interaction patterns. Addi“I” positions and allow others to have their own tionally, clients must be willing to confront and “I” positions even though they may differ. They deal with the mourning process, a process integral attempt to strengthen old relationships and enter with both pain and change. With such clients new ones as autonomous persons who do not look movement along the differentiation continuum is to another for completion. The ultimate awareness evident upon repeat administration of the LDSS. of this is the emptiness of knowing that all you Since approximately one of every two marriages really have in the world is yourself. (Fogarty, ends in divorce, nurses are likely to encounter fam1977) ilies in which the loss of self phenomenon is ocGetting on with life as a person with a defined curring. Such clients may present in a variety of self involves taking risks that often seem overhealth care settings manifesting physical and/or whelming. Clients work toward gradually increasemotional symptoms in covert or overt ways. A ing the responsibility they take for themselves incompleted data base will reveal that a divorce is in tellectually, emotionally, and socially. At the end process or has become final. Such data should proof 2 years of therapy, Susan M. stated that she was vide a theoretical cue for the nurse about the lossbeginning to feel like a whole person for the first of-self phenomenon and appropriate intervention time in her life. She felt in charge of her household would include referral to a clinical specialist or use and children. She had returned to her career as a of this clinical model for treatment. 234 JUDITH HABER REFERENCES zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihg .I. (1984). The relationship between differentiation of self, complementary psychological need patterns and Bowen, M. (1978). Theory in the practice of psychotherapy. In marital conflict, Dissertation Abstracts International. M. Bowen (Ed.), zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA Family therapy in clinical practice. 45, 2102- B. (University Microfilms No. 800.521-3042) New York, NY: Aronson. Haber, J. (1990). The Haber differentiation of self scale. In C. Carter, E., & McGoldrick, M. (1980). 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