Tulu Nadu
Tulu Nadu (Parashoo Ram Shitra) Saffron Country where Red is not allowed Mangalorean Heartland | |||||
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| Motto: "We love fishes but they don't love us" | |||||
| Anthem: "Dena Dena naa" | |||||
Tulu Nadu starts where Coco Chin, Kerala ends | |||||
| Capital | Mango Whore | ||||
| Largest city | Mango Whore | ||||
| Official language(s) | Tulu, Kannada | ||||
| Government | Of, For and By the thugs | ||||
| National hero(es) | Shilpa Shetty, Yellappa Anna, and Lola Kutty | ||||
| Currency | Beer bottles | ||||
| Internet TLD | .coco | ||||
“It's Raining Coconuts Here”
“Ha Ha Ha Ha”
Tulu Nadu is a region on the west coast of India, just north of Kerala. Tulu Nadu stretches from Kundapura to Kasargod. Malayalis live there in disguise, calling themselves Tuluva because they hate the the word Mallu and prefer the word Tulu. They are highly educated and have lots of money which they made selling liquor and masala dosa and by acting in Bollywood films.
History[edit]
Tuluva people believe that Tulu Nadu was created when an axe-throwing competition was held in Mount Kailash by Shiva and Parshurama. One of the participants threw his axe south instead of north, and this axe landed near the Arabian Sea and the land of Tulu Nadu and Kerala were created. No further explanation is provided.
Literacy[edit]
Residents are 100 percent literate and generally show their literacy by writing on window panes of buses, cars, and the walls of their houses. They know many scripts, including Tulu, Kannada, and Roman. This means that their scrawls are done in "alternative script theory," where a single bit of graffiti earns style points by using multiple scripts. This technique earned the vandals of Tulu Nadu the Nobel Prize for physics, prompting even Barack Obama to remark defensively that he was not the only recipient of an undeserved Prize.
People and Culture[edit]
Residents are generally saffron-coloured, reflecting the pervasive influence of Hinduism. Some scientists instead believe that the colour results from interbreeding between Communist Keralites (or "reds"), and aliens.
The state has a high fertility rate and therefore the excess population have migrated to other places, like Bombay. Tulu Nadu people are also so friendly as to make themselves at home with your home; also your toilet, perhaps your bedroom, and certainly your bank account. They have a great sense of humour. If two people start fighting, Tulu Nadu onlookers often find reasons to laugh, especially when blood spurts out.
Flora and Fauna[edit]
The snake is the official animal of the region. Killing this animal is prohibited and punishable by law. A Chinese tourist was recently given the death sentence for killing the snake and eating it thinking this was a delicacy. The sentencing judge said the penalty should serve as a reminder to all who try to kill this beautiful species, which will inherit the earth after humans die off in a nuclear jihad. PETA hailed the decision calling it the victory of animals over human beings.
Other species protected in Tulu Nadu are the blood sucking vampires.The horny Gazelles as well as cannibalistic creatures belonging to the Jesus Christ species of animals. The state bird is the Aerosmith.
Language[edit]
Tulu is the official language in the region. Though everyone speaks and understands it, they all try to show off their fluency in English. In fact, any resident of Tulu Nadu will reply to a foreigner in English, even if the foreigner is obviously from China, Japan, or Africa.
Organisations[edit]
Unlike their neighbours in Kerala, the Tulu Nadu people have numerous organizations that look after their affairs. The most prominent are as follows:
- Tulu Nadu People's Party — This party was originally formed to encourage the participation of People in elections, as opposed to other species. However, even this party is now infiltrated by dogs and semi-humans.
- Rashtriya Swayam Sevak Sangh (Tulu Nadu) — The Tulu Nadu branch of the pan-Indian RSS comprises old people with high libido.
- Bunt Sangha — This is the organisation of the people called "bunts" (or "nairs" in Kerala). They regard themsleves as so smart and good-looking as to deserve to rule the world. The organization develops plans toward that goal, in concert with the similar aims of Chinese and North Korean leaders.
- Tulu Brahmin Association — This organization of people who will do anthing for money specializes in mobsterism and extortion.
- Billava Sangha — This is an association of scuba divers originally involved in the toddy trade. They have now diversified into begging and are the chief professional organization of established beggars. They achieved worldwide notoriety with the documentary Slumdog Millionaire.
- Mangalorean Catholic Association — This association of pimps and whores has the objective of expanding the sex trade. The central office is in Vatican City. They use the Konakni language for in-house communication and were originally from Goa.
Economy[edit]
Tulu Nadu features a "mixed" economy. This means that people will not pay for anything they want to buy; whereas anything they sell costs twice as much as something they did not want to buy. Thus, everyone in Tulu Nadu makes a lot of money and the difference between rich and poor is so minor that the only occupants of the "lower social class" are tourists. Moreover, most tourists are rich at the moment of entering the area and it is during their sojourn that the change occurs.
The industrious residents of Tulu Nadu have set up offices in the state, though their enterprises' larger installations tend to be in Arabia. The major industry is out-migration, an industry that has already relocated half of the population to Arabia. The other half was planning to migrate but have instead stayed to work in the other big industry, overpopulation.
Minor industries involve breast reduction and stomach flattening, usually practised by being run over by drivers of public buses, and the operation of liquor bars.
Sport[edit]
The official sport of the region is the Coconut Shot Put. Like cricket, there is an automatic "six" for hitting someone on the head. Tulu Nadu holds the world championship at Coconut Shot Put, and is growing coconuts for export in hopes that the sport will catch on worldwide.
Tulu Nadu people also admire cricket — or else they admire the televisions on which they watch it, as they never actually play it.
Other sporting activities include monkey-chasing (which plantation owners engage in but the monkeys always win), buffalo racing, elephant racing, cock fighting, and running away with your neighbour's wife.
Festivals[edit]
The major festival here is the Saffron Parade where all members of the Saffron association of the the B.J.P, Sangh Parivar and the R.S.S. (they wear khaki shorts and not saffron for a change) take out a march any given time of the year and celebrate the festival by beating up a random Muslim.
Unlike other festivals, the Saffron Parade can take place any given time of the year, and the date of its observation is never disclosed to the public in advance.
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