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Good afternoon stranger. I see that you're on a boat, you're holding a crossbow, and there's an albatross circling overhead. Before you decide whether to pull that trigger and send it plummeting to its death, you may want to read this article, so that you might make an informed decision. One reason sometimes cited for albatrossicide is accidental negligence. However, you're not reading this article in order to determine whether or not you should accidentally do something you don't intend to. So let's move on.

A less common explanation given by a man who has just shot an albatross is that he mistook it for a pirate. Don't worry: this is a perfectly understandable mistake.However, there are several key identifying factors you can use to distinguish an albatross from a pirate.

• A pirate will eye your booty avariciously. An alabatross will eye your popcorn instead.
• A pirate is most often seen on the deck of a ship. If it is circling your boat in the sky overhead, it is probably not a pirate, but an albatross.
• Given enough time, a pirate will solve a Rubik's cube. An albatross will never solve it, no matter how long it tries. If you have a Rubik's cube on board, consider giving it to your visitor and observing the outcome.
• A pirate is human. An albatross is a bird. However, be careful of relying too heavily on this test. Sometimes a pirate will put a bird on his shoulder in order to foil it.

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