Wesley Snipes
“Pay ya damn taxes, bitch”
“Simon says DIE!!!”
Wesley Trent Snipes (born July 31st, 1962 in Orlando, Florida, U.S.A. Not to Be Confused with Wesley Snider the guy who was in the Fifa World Cup, or Wesley Snider the idiot kid with girly hands who you knew from boy scouts) is the son of a Kenyan immigrant father and Dame Marion Dench. He is best known for his work with the Illuminati, receiving membership applications on behalf of the organization. He is not a member of the organization, but acts as an administrator for the organization to support himself and his two children.
Early life[edit]
For the first ten years following his birth, Wesley was cared for and experimented on by academic staff in a laboratory at Cambridge University in which his father (Paul Mokeebo Snipes) was Professor of Immunology. Due to the experiments, Snipes gained immunity against many diseases, situations and objects, the most notable of which are bullets, bird flu, and embarrassing silences.
Snipes, at age 11 sought employment as a Bruce Lee impersonator/street performer on campus, rising to instant fame, appearing on every cereal box produced in Europe in the whole of 1971 (as Bruce Lee). Snipes ticket to stardom was quickly revoked, as Lee commenced legal action, hiring kung fu lawyers. The outcome of the lawsuit was for Snipes to pay Lee royalties for every cereal box produced in 1971 with his image. This was the beginning of Snipes' life of poverty, as all his future endeavors would be to pay back Bruce Lee.
As a young man in the grip of poverty, Wesley Snipes turned to a life of crime. Going by the alias Simon Cowell, he gained the nickname "Pheonix" by authorities as he always seemed to escape the death sentence. In 1993, Simon the Pheonix (Snipes) was finally cornered in the historic San Angeles precinct of Los Angeles, California. The ensuing stand-off with police personnel (arresting officer Sylvester Stallone) left much of the area damaged beyond repair. In his widely controversial case, Snipes made a plea bargain for reduced sentence (two of eight years) in return for revealing vital information regarding the corruption of government officials in San Angeles precinct, as well as police officials in the greater Los Angeles area.
At the age of 22 he was voted the "Biggest, Baddest, Blackest Motherfucker That The World Has Ever Seen". According to Samuel L. Jackson, "Wesley Snipes is one bad ass ballerina with a black belt, he'll dance on your grave."
Film Career[edit]
Snipes was suffering from severe bouts of paranoid delusional schizophrenia with acute narcissistic rage brought on by symptoms of severe adrenochrome withdrawal and faded from the public view until his thirties, when a documentary focusing on the lives of the homeless discovered him in Detroit. The documentary (a twelve part TV series) was directed by Michael Moore and was entitled "Bowling for Soup Kitchens"; however in 1996 was retitled "Blade", and released to production in 1998. The documentary was originally to document Snipes' life dealing with poverty and an addiction to 1990's ultra-violence; however, Snipes was later charged with 18 counts of kidnapping and 1,853 counts of first degree murder after ensuing upon a hunt for what Snipes believed to be vampires.
However, in a supreme court ruling (7 - 2, presided over by Supreme Court Justice: the Honorable Judge Dredd) all charges were dropped upon evidence presented to court that Snipes is simply bad-ass, and if vampires were real then he would have killed them, so he's cool in their 'law-book'.
Recently Snipes has been spotted on the set of Twilight. Rumors have it that Snipes believes the vampire threat to have hit the gay community on the 2000's like AIDS had in the 80's and swore to eradicate all the sparkling abstinent vampires from Twilight.
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Snipes himself is responsible for the superhero movie epidemic of the 90's after Batman and Robin heroically tried to put the final nail in the coffin of comic book films, scientists believe that as the original superhero movie to emerge from the grave, if someone drove a stake through Wesley Snipe's heart that all the other superhero actors would be cured, and Robert Downey Jr.'s heart would beat once again, the curse lifted.
Post-Film Career[edit]
in 2005 Snipes attempted to write and star in a sequel entitled A Very Blade Christmas (released as "Blade Trinity"). The IRS noticed a discrepancy with the movies budget prompting an investigation into his owing back taxes. He is currently serving time in a minimum security cryo prison.
