Søren Kierkegaard

Søren Aabye Kierkegaard (5 May 1813 – 11 November 1855) was Danish loverboy and philosopher who wrote sad, horny, love stories detailing his breakup with long time sex buddy Regine Olsen as well as a number of works designed to cause readers' brains to implode. (See also Heidegger). He is known as the father of Existentialism, the irony being he is not the Jesus of Existentialism. Jean-Paul Sartre is, even though he doesn't get along with Jesus quite as well as Kierkegaard did. He was born in Copenhagen, Denmark to a putative family. He was a very sad guy and cried a lot, although he was a regular party animal and loved visiting cafés and brothels and wearing asymmetrical pants. He was also known for having a very sharp tongue which proves a set of allegations of him being related to the famous cat KISS musician and grand lunar dictator of Ganymede, Gene Simmons.

Perfunctory Philosophical Musings Concerning the Nature of a Changeless God's influence over Uncyclopedia[edit]

Dear reader, you will remember if memory be a faithful wife to you that uncyclopedia is a website that deems itself to be concerned with the comic. By the comic, we mean all that which we accept to be funny ex concessis in Nomine Patris sic semper tyrannis. But do you not remember that one time when Socrates said that thing to the guy, and people thought it was deep and stuff? Making things up is cool, because people will think you are somehow intelligent. In a state of eternal despair over the possibility that this uncyclopedia page might change over time, the creators of the aforementioned page are living in an insane dreamworld in which possibility of change supercedes the importance of God. Thusly, my pet rabbit was a member of the Chinese Communist Party hundreds of years before it even existed.

Early years[edit]

In his early life Søren was continually befuddled, perplexed, inveigled and downright confused by a father who insisted on calling him by a myriad of nicknames: "Come here, Climacus!", "Victor, take out the trash!", "Constantin, make me a chicken pot pie!", "Nicholas, take off your shoes in the house!" and "Johannes, pass the potatoes!" Can anyone say "Schizo-boy?

Søren's father grew up in a poor black metal family raising sheep, and his hobbies included swearing, burning churches and yelling at God for not giving him that bicycle he wished so much for. After smoking crack for several years he eventually turned to Christianity and spent the rest of his life apologizing to God. After some time God finally accepted his apology and gave him a treasure map which led to the finding of the biggest pirate treasure in history. Old Man Søren and his family lived the rest of their lives in wealth, though most of them died young from eating too much cheesecake. Søren did many things in an attempt to please his father, such as becoming an actor, contortionist, master pizza eater, and President of Place. His father still ignored him and gave him many a spanking and few a slice of cheesecake, explaining Søren's ridiculously long life of 42 years. This abuse made Søren depressive and led him to a life of partying, drinking and casual sex. He is also the inventor of the lifestyle of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Kierkegaard's first name is rightfully pronounced Searin, Soarin, So Run, Sor eeen and Orin (silent S).

As an Existentialist Christian[edit]

After getting fed up with the Church and Hegel, Søren founded Existentialism. He held that writing letters to God and the individual were the most important things to God (since he had to spend such a long time alone in his room). His most important work was Sickness unto Death, which told about a man who was sick, and then after almost getting better, dies and goes to Hell. It was hailed as the most depressing book ever written. He then wrote his more famous work Either/Or, a book about fornication, which was praised in brothels all over Copenhagen and gave him the title of the father of modern erotic novels. He continued writing several other works about different fornicators and categorized people into four states of life, the aesthetic, the ethical, the religious, and the geeky.

The Different States of Life[edit]

The Aesthetic[edit]

The aesthetic state of life is famously known as Kierkegaard's favorite state, since he wrote so much about it, writing about different fornicators was his main source of income right after the pirate treasure discovered by his dad. The aesthetic lives in the moment, loves casual sex, and making generalized postulates about women after having a bit too much wine. Most fornicators written of in Kierkegaard's authorship are aesthetics. Examples of Aesthetics include Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Puff Daddy, and other world leaders.

The Ethical[edit]

Ethical people have no fun which explains why Søren treated Regine Olsen like dirt; they cry a lot, and tell aesthetics to go to hell. They march at rallies, smoke pot on the weekend, write stupid articles on Uncyclopedia and would never deign to find themselves on the puerile Wikipedia. They are usually fat people in their forties with big beards and don't believe in God, even though they look a lot like him. Examples include Philosophy professors at all major universites in the United States and Europe.

The Religious[edit]

The religious are aesthetic people on crack. They love cheese (especially served with macaroni) and only have sex on holidays contrary to the aesthetics. Examples include no one that you would know.

Kierkegaard's psychology[edit]

Kierkegaard wrote a lot about psychology. In The Concept of Dread by Vigilius Haufniensis, he famously wrote, "Dread is good for you, a**hole". Obviously "dread" to Kierkegaard is a nausea that proves your freedom to screw around. He also writes that cowardice is the same as pride, but this was obviously written while high on crack.

Death[edit]

After whining about it for years, Søren finally accepted that Regine Olsen was busy banging some other guy named Schlegel (one of Hegel's more obvious aliases). She was the only parental figure he ever had particularly related to a number of especially kinky incestually related role plays. Søren's state of mind has been described as particularly emo, although Søren predates the invention of the emo state of mind in 1901. His state was rather pre-emo, along with famous painters Edvard Munch and Vincent Van Gogh. Contrary to popular belief, he did not kill himself; he merely tripped while taking a walk and was taken to the hospital where him and his friend Emil Boesen sneaked into the medicine cabinet and took an overdose of morphine where he died with his last famous words "that Hegel guy is such a schmuck".

Other famous works of Kierkegaard include:

The Candy Cane unto Cotton
Philosophical Fragments
Boring
Anti-Christian Discourses
Either/Or/Either/Or/Either/Or/Either/Or/∞ (Infinity symbol)
Either/Or/Either/Or/Either/Or/Either/Or/∞ (Infinity symbol) II: The Rise of the Subjective Mofo
Ending confusing scientific talk with WMD
Christians Don't Know Shit About God'

He died in Copenhagen, Denmark, with his tombstone saying, "That Mofo".

Trivia[edit]

Kierkegaard's name was considered too hard to pronounce, so the Danish church changed his name to Hamlet.
One of his works, Stages in a Pimp's Life, contained his mother's chicken soup recipe.
Kierkegaard was actually a Christian.
Kierkegaard was extremely good in bed.
Kierkegaard is Danish for graveyard, this name comes from an age long Danish tradition of naming people after the regular place of occupation. Søren and his father were both descended from a long line of grave diggers.
Kierkegaard had an on-going battle with Hans Christian Andersen, the famous Disney writer, about who had the tallest top hat. This feud ended tragically when Hans visited Pisa, tried wearing The Tilting Tower as a hat which crushed him to death.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Søren Kierkegaard.

Although Nietzsche and Kierkegaard never met, they are rumoured to have exchanged nude self-portraits.
It has been alleged that Kierkegaard merely may be a pseudonymous identity fabricated by Professor Subtle