Texas

Tejas The Confederate Republic of Texas The Lone Star
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Yeah, she's my sister. So?"
Anthem: "Cowboys from Hell" by Pantera
Texas’s true size, compared with the United States
Capital	Disputed. Rival claims by Dallas, Houston, and Mexico City
Largest city	Texasville
Official language(s)	Spanish, English, Texan (like English except that all "o"s at the ends of words are pronounced like "uh," the word y'all replaces "you all," and "Ged'ur'done's" is a word)
Government	Confederate Republic
National hero(es)	Republican Party, Dallas Cowboys, George W. Bush, Ted Cruz
Currency	Pesos
Religion	Tailgating
Major exports	Deported illegal immigrants, guns, oil, Republicans, Texas tea
Major imports	Illegal immigrants, moonshine, banjos

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Texas.

Texas is a constituent state of the United States. Of the fifty states it has the second greatest population (after California), second greatest area (after Alaska), and second greatest human weight per capita (after Mississippi). Located in the South Central, Southwestern, and Great Plains regions of the country, Texas borders Mexico to the south and southwest, the Gulf of Mexico (AKA “Fishin’ Grounds”) to the southeast, New Mexico to the west, Oklahoma to the north, Arkansas to the northeast, and Louisiana to the east. All of those states live in utter terror because of their proximity to the state-sized tumor. The name "Texas" is derived from a Caddoan word meaning "Drive Friendly." However, no one in Texas understands Caddoan anymore, so instead they all drive like Tex-asses.

History

It is said that God blessed Texas with His own hand, originally designating it as a place where angels would dance. In fact, the place was so great that He had to introduce obnoxious American Texans to restore balance. Aboriginal Texans lived in peace and harmony with their Spanish neighbors until the country became infested with Anglo-Saxons; unable to tolerate the newcomers, the natives exiled themselves to faraway reservations on undesirable land, totally voluntarily.

Early history

Humans arrived in Texas tens of thousands of years ago and eventually developed advanced cultures there. Archaeologists have found artifacts in Texas such as bows and arrows, pottery, furnaces, baskets, paper, pottery, and primitive cellphones. Some of the larger pottery have traces of radioactive material in them, and archaeologists have confirmed that they were archaic nucular reactors. Many other large pots were used for oil refinery.

The Mound Builder culture in Texas is renowned for the construction of numerous 45-foot-tall, 400-foot-long mounds that are believed to have stored nucular waste. Some mounds still exist today, most of them around Lake Toledo Bend, which contains larger-than-average fish much to the delight of unknowingly cancerous fishermen. According to local folklore, if you bury a deceased pet or loved one in one of the mounds, they will return to life. Numerous Texans claim this to be true, including people who were allegedly brought back to life. Though medical and scientific tests (One such test involved burying a dead squirrel. The squirrel returned to life and actually mauled one of the scientists, but the ordeal remains under the “Inconclusive” file) and death records have ruled in favor of their statements, most scientists are still skeptical, and try to keep it under wraps. One person even made a documentary of such an occurrence, which became well known as the film “Pet Cemetery”.</ref>.

Native Texans were very peaceful towards Spanish explorers and settlers when they arrived, first greeting them with the word “techas”, meaning allies, which the Spanish pronounced as Tejas (tay-haas). Both sides traded goods with each other, including early oil refining and nucular technology. Villages consisted of 10 to 20 hollowed-out boulders.

Modern Texas

Satellite image of Texas provided by George W. Bush Maps (Face is an optical illusion that we should all just blame on FEMA.)

Governors Ann Richards (’91-’95) and George “Dubya” Bush (’95-2000) promised never to impose an income tax, and revenues expanded vastly because of it. Texas was affluent in the 70’s and 80’s, but it was super-affluent in the 90’s. The economy left Texas with advanced roads and bridges, and high salaries for state employees. State prisons were improved and modernized, including the addition of more interrogation rooms and reeducation chambers. Thousands of once-vicious criminals were completely rehabilitated, while the "un-fixables" were promptly and brutally executed. The other states looked at Texas with envious eyes.

Texans continued to gain defense and petroleum-related jobs. In addition, farmers were hit with exquisite weather conditions in the late 90’s, furthering the economic boom.

Immigrants continued to flock into Texas throughout the 90’s, mostly to the enormous supercities for high-paying industrial jobs. Most voted Republican, and Texas, along with the rest of the country, elected legendary Ronald Reagan as president in the ’80 and ’84 elections. Texas would also largely contribute to the elections of George Bush and his son, George Dubya Bush. The state has been described as a conservative superfortress.

The huge population growth in the 90’s pushed the number of people from 1.9 billion to 5 billion, making it the most populous place on earth (though with plenty of room to spare). Illegal Mexican immigration was growing rapidly, so minefields and a huge 300-foot-high barrier were built on the border with Mexico. Unfortunately, most illegals simply went around them by crossing other, less-protective states. Those that couldn't go through other states easily scaled the barrier due to their expertise in fence climbing, and used their superior lawnmower technology to remove and deactivate any mines that they happened to come across. Charkie "F" G. Is From Texas but moved to Canada with his family. If you meet him he has a pimp dog named puff, and is looking for the missing "D" and "E" in his name. Experts have predicted that, by 2010, Texas will possess a population of well over 11 billion people.

Climate

Temperature

Summers are freakishly hot throughout the state, and temperatures exceeding 885 degrees Fahrenheit are quite common. Even though this would cause instant heat-stroke to normal human beings^[1], Texans are used to it and, are then, not considered life forms. Normal July temperatures range from 782°C to 3,016°C over most of Texas. August temps can soar into the 10,000’s, reducing some places to lava, much to the delight of Texan children, who love to play in the molten rock. Winters are mild (170ºF), with the exception of the extreme northern parts of the state (80ºF). Average January temperatures range from hot to hot.

One of the lowest temperatures ever recorded was in the panhandle area when it got down to 30 degrees Fahrenheit. There was massive hysteria when 1 snow flake fell, when 2 fell there was record attendance in churches, mostly because every one thought the world was ending. Many historians cite this as the origin for such famous sayings as "When Hell Freezes Over", "The Roof's on Fire", "Burning Bush", Flaiming Timberweeds", and "Let it Burn."

Flora

Texas has all kinds of vegetation, differing from east to west. Colossal forests with trees that are miles-high and hundreds of feet across cover only 11 percent of the state, mainly East Texas. A multitude of flora exist as undergrowth of these forests, includes numerous types of ferns, car-sized fungi, and carnivorous flowers. Mistletoe-Of-War, a parasitic, man-eating plant, can sometimes be found on the trees. Grassland covers most of central Texas, with thickets of junipers, cacti and Helium plants. Southern Texas is essentially the same, except it has clumps of mesquite trees and colonies of gourds, which have been known to attack small cattle and other animals.

Western Texas has mostly desert vegetation, including cacti and, um, cacti. That’s about it.

Vibrant wildflowers, such as the bluebonnet and Indian paintbrush, can be seen along highways and fields, especially in late spring. The giant prickly pear cactus is very common, and bears big yellow flowers along the sides of its thorny, venomous leaves. Be careful, because this cactus can launch its huge thorns at anything it perceives as a threat, impaling it.

Fauna

Official State Mascot - The Hollerin' Hootowl

Texas’s wild animal population is absurdly large, with numerous and diverse species. In fact, 31% of Texas's wildlife population is made up of cryptozoological creatures including the chupacabra and the supposedly elusive Big Foot, though the massive beast is regularly spotted in the forests of East Texas and often hunted for sport. Over the years, Canada has led a fairly successful cover-up campaign of the latter, for tourist-industry reasons. Also, a noted Canadian official is quoted as saying in response, "Come on, it's all we've got." The great white-tailed deer is certainly the most important game animal, but it is also dangerous, and is driven into a frenzy at even the slightest scent of blood. Coyotes live mostly in rugged southwestern Texas, but can be found pretty much everywhere. Other large animals can be seen, including tiger-steers^[2], pronghorns, cougar, the greater jackrabbit^[3], nexu^[4], and black bear.

The rabbit, raccoon, squirrel, chupacabra, and skunk, are all good examples of the smaller animals found in Texas. Prairie dogs can be found in massive prairie colonies. Considered to be the piranhas of the plains, these critters can strip a cow to the bone in less than 5 minutes^[5]. Some peculiar Texas animals include the armadillo, whose shell-like skin can withstand the blast from a stick of dynamite, and the javelina, a small, pig-like land-mollusk with javelins for tusks which can be pickled, fried, boiled, or roasted, and eaten whole.

Texas has a vast multitude of reptiles, one of which is the deadly western diamondback rattlesnake, the largest, most dangerous snake on earth. Along with being able to deliver potent toxins and eat an entire cow in one bite, it can spit corrosive acid. Some other Texan snakes include the giant coral snake, the copperhead, the titaniumhead^[6], and the cottonmouth (which can shoot flames). There are over 185 species of highly poisonous snakes in the state. Large alligators live in most of the reservoirs and waterways of eastern and southeastern Texas, along with large prehistoric spiked turtles. There is also a variety of lizards; the giant stinging horned lizard being one of them.

Texas has the greatest and most astounding bird population of any state country. Included in the list are mockingbirds^[7], wrens, woodpeckers^[8], jays, sparrows (actually a beaked rodent), and whale vultures^[9], are common in the central and eastern areas of Texas. Ducks, geese, and bloodthirsty whooping crane, are some of the migratory birds that spend their winters in Texas. The wild turkey, roadrunner^[10], and golden eagle can be found as well. All are edible, except for the golden eagle, which is melted down into ingots to be used in manufacturing superior Texan weaponry.

Along the coast, drumfish, squid, oyster, snapper, shrimp, flounder, giant jellyfish, kraken, and crab, are plentiful. Sea-trout and fanged tarpon are highly favored. Catfish, bass, eel, and sunfish, are a few of the native freshwater fish.

Demographics

Playing horseshoes is a favorite pastime of many Texans.

A proud native Texan holds a bottle of sukang paombong while tailgating.

70% of the population is made up of inmates which leaves them unable to breed with their relatives. (This is why Texas is a red state.) The rest is comprised of extras from the Hill Have Eyes franchise and the studio audience of the Jerry Springer Show. It is also been reported by NASA that, from space, the state of Texas resembles an ingrown toenail that has been left unattended for quite sometime.

Cowboys are defined by their nomadic lifestyle of animal herding and nightly man-spooning (for more information on cowboys, see the critically acclaimed documentary, "Brokeback Mountain"). While most Texans dress and speak like cowboys, it is largely symbolic as they no longer heard cattle. Only the ritual of nightly man-spooning is still followed.

Texans are recognized by their large belt buckles. One theory explains that these are traditionally worn to overcompensate for the notoriously small penis size of the average Texan; yet this is categorically false. An opposing view claims that the large belt buckle is a necessity for Texan modesty, due to the fact that the massive boners caused by overwhelmingly attractive Texan women would tear any normal belt buckle apart.

Texas Political Leadership

The following is a speech from former Texas governor and president of the United States, George W. Bush Jr.:

"My fellow Americans, I do indeed stand nude outside the white house and "shake my money maker" for all to see. My wife, Laura, and I find great joy in this activity. The pictures you've seen are in fact real. Not only do I proudly proclaim this stunt, but I also proudly proclaim the fact that I often defecate on the white house lawn. I no longer want to hide in secrecy, but rather be open to everything. Before I make my closing statement, I would like to have a moment of silence for the passing of our bathroom toilet, in which Laura sat on and broke, allowing for it to overflow with urine and feces. *ten seconds of silence was noted* Thank you all. Yee haw and ride 'em cowboy."

Executive

The governor is chief executive, has a 4 year term, and can be reelected many times. If the governor should die, resign, show signs of becoming liberal or even think about becoming gay, the lieutenant governor takes over. The Texas Railroad Commission oversees natural gas, petroleum, and coal production, and the industry of trucking and railroads. It fucking rocks.

The primary function of the Executive branch, is, as the name suggests, to oversee executions. Texas is world-renowned for its famous executions, and envied by hard-line governments like China and the Taliban. The executive process is steeped in tradition and generally has these phases:

1. Someone kills someone who didn't need killin'
2. The killer is hauled before a judge and jury, a rubber-stamp process known as a "trial"
3. The judge instructs the jury to convict the killer and recommend death
4. The jury complies, and goes home to brag to its friends
5. The mental torture process, also called the "appeals" process, takes several years. It is a refinement of the extended tortures inflicted by Comanches on whites in the 19th century.
6. The condemned is then strapped onto a gurney for "lethal injection." This particularly barbaric method of execution was developed after the older methods of firing squad, hangin', electric chair and gas chamber were deemed too quick and humane.
7. The warden then calls the Chief Executive, i.e. the Governor. As part of the torture process, this is made to look like a check for last-minute stays of execution.
8. The Chief Executive gives the order for the executive process to be completed, at which point the condemned is poisoned with chemicals that choke them to death over an agonizing several minutes.

The Chief Executive, in fact, has no power at all to order a "stay of execution," as that would amount to a complete abdication of their duty as Executive. Every Texas governor who has tried to do so has quickly been replaced.

Legislative

There are 310 senators and 1,500 representatives, who convene in January. These sessions usually begin with several massive mixed martial arts tournaments, which is used to determine the various positions and committees the representatives will be appointed to. Afterwards, they go on to debate about the pressing issues, taking bong-hits and looking at /b/ archives on 4chan. Since the state is so prosperous, the biggest issue is usually the placement of the rosebushes at the governor's Presidential Palace.

Judicial

18 justices make up the Texas Supreme Court and Court of Criminal Appeals (9 each), the highest courts of the state. Further down the list is the intermediate court of civil appeals, district courts, corporation courts, and municipal courts. It should be noted that the extreme majority of murderers get the death penalty in Texas, usually by being left out in the Great Oilfield Expanse to starve, dehydrate, or be eaten by whale vultures (or some combination of the three), or by being fed to a colony of prairie dogs. There is rumored to be a secret pact, should any lawyer introduce a lawsuit in any Texas court that seeks to legalize gay marriage, other than within the confines of the Austin Commune, a super secret section, known as Section 31, of the Texas Rangers shall appear to swiftly decapitate the offender.

Economy

Since Texas possesses an incomparable variety of resources and activities, Texas is the single most prosperous place in the world^[11]. Numerous technological developments have occurred there. In the 1880’s, the mass production of bars and saloons allowed more and more Texans to get intoxicated easier instead of drinking mouthwash. People discovered that you don't have to use expensive bullets in shot guns in the 20s, but that you could use gravel and rocks. now it would be easier to shoot the cat whenever it got into your beer stockpiles! Oil is big business, too. Since the 1890’s, Texas has been a larger producer of oil than China and Africa because Texans love oil, they use in their Pick-up trucks and tractors.Large-scale beer manufacturing and contribute largely to the economy, as well as cotton, bomb production, cattle, aerospace and computers, and many thousands of other large businesses and massive industrial activities. There are hundreds of large military bases located in the state, along with hundreds of major corporate headquarters.

Today, Texas has a powerful workforce well beyond 6.5 billion. Oil changing, dry cleaning, and computer programming, are some of the many service industries that contribute the most gross product and employment. Other jobs can be found in wholesale trade, half sale trade, retail trade, oil, federal/state/local government, military, oil, manufacturing, finance, insurance, real estate, construction, oil, transportation, public utilities, farming and agricultural services, oil, forestry, fishing, mining, and oil.

The gay community in Texas is surprisingly influential.

Being a green party and gay state, The Texas Department of Transportation and The Gay Cowboy Association strongly encourages residents to find more eco-friendly ways of transportation.

Texas produces the following vital products:

• Texans
• Beef
• Salsa
• Four Star Thrillers
• Tourism because of endless summer
• Ice (Available in 2009)
• High School Football
• Oil
• Cacti
• Lone Star Beer and Shiner Bock Beer!!
• Cheap Labor
• More beef
• Mexicans

Oil combined with oxygen creates fire, which Texas is often covered with. Fire combined with steers creates beef, which is what's for dinner. This cycle is seen throughout Texas.

There is a common misconception that only tumbleweeds come from Texas. That's only partially true, tumbleweeds are not native to Texas. They start in Mexico and migrate north to Oklahoma during summer.

Agriculture

There are over 3,000,000 farms and ranches in Texas. A good 70% of it is rangeland, and only 30% consists of crops.

Texas is first by a long shot compared to the other states in all farm product sales, crop sales, and livestock and animal product sales, since 1897. The crops include wheat and sorghum grain, citrus fruits and rice. Texas has a commanding lead in cattle, sheep, and lamb production. The rest of the US depends on Texas as a producer of sorghum grain, cotton, wheat, rice, mutant rice, dairy products, marijuana, corn, poultry/eggs, vegetables, greenhouse/nursery goods, hogs, piggies^[12], peanuts, hay, and oranges. Cows, poultry/eggs, cotton lint, and dairy products are mainly what bring in the dough.

Forestry

Lumbering is a big industry in Texas, bringing in more than 115 trillion dollars per year. Environmentalists would normally whine and gripe incessantly about this, but Texas trees reproduce rapidly and grow to their adult heights (normally over 12,000ft) within 3 months. That and it is easier to have environmentalists shot than listen to the complaints. As such the environmentalists are generally in more danger than the trees.

Mining

Again, Texas blows all other states out of the water in industrial activity. In this case, mineral production. Most of Texas’s mineral value lies in natural gas, petroleum, and natural gas liquids (also called “liquid money”), which pulls in an annual 90 trillion dollars. The reserves of oil and gas are not only bigger than any of the reserves in any country on earth, they are showing no signs of depletion. Some speculate that the Texas Tea will never run dry. Scientists are making progress in producing scientific data which supports that claim.

Other profitable minerals are gold, diamonds, platinum, titanium, iridium, uranium (already enriched), magnesium, crushed stone, Portland cement, salt, lime, sand and gravel (for construction), and ununoctium^[13]. Texas leads the world in the supplying all of those minerals, including smaller amounts of iodine, ball clay, sulfur, crude helium, yttrium, gypsum, talc, and pretty much everything else on the Periodic Table. Large amounts of profitable minerals are found in all of the 1,254 counties of Texas.

Texas Border Patrol dealing with the immigrant threat

Pipeline network

Texas has made extensive use of pipelines for transportation of oil and gas. These huge pipelines carry gargantuan amounts of fuel and petroleum products to the rest of the United States daily, as well as moving crude oil from fields to refineries. The world’s largest pipeline, over 11,100 miles long, brings refinery products from Houston to Memphis, Philadelphia, New York City, Portland (Maine), Dublin, London, Rome, Athens, and finally Bloemfontein, which is the terminus.

Trade and commerce

Aquatic transportation is important in Texas commerce. There are 25 big deep water ports running along the coastline, from which the Atlantic and Pacific oceans are accessible. Houston is titanic, and the largest and busiest port in the world. Corpus Christi, Freeport, Brownsville, Seadrift, Texas City, Galveston, Port Lavaca, Port Arthur, Port Isabel, Harbor Island, San Antonio Riverwalk, and Beaumont, follow closely behind. Texas ports normally handle petroleum and petroleum products, and ores, including aluminum, which are destined for other US states or foreign countries. Major exports include sulfur, ununoctium, wheat, cotton, and sorghum.

Education

Texas, as seen by a Texan, with the United States.

Debatable... wait, that's too big a word for them. Sod it... Texas is the most (il)literate state in the Soviet State Republic of America-land, with 4.31% of the population being able to read. The people there have either one of five different names, as they have been passed down the generations, and someone will surely be able to spell it. The most popular classes in the Texas School, are Moonshine Distilling, Dukes of Hazard stereotyping, Dentistry using corn husks and a tire iron, Yee-hawing and Shooting. The ratio of guns to people is 107:3, and the ratio of teeth to people is 3:2.

There are tens of public schools. As the highest-rated schools in the nation (rated by the Texans themselves), students learn much more than in other schools in the US, including Intelligent Design (a theory that states incredibly intelligent aliens breed human beings to replace their dwindling supply of Frosted Miniwheats) and Biblical physics. 3% of the students who attend Texas schools end up with a elementary school diploma (high schools are actually only for training gay adult film stars, see High School Football). These schools are funded with the tiny amounts of money made by taxes mistakingly paid by oil and petroleum companies that haven't yet shipped their headquarters to some small Caribbean island.

Many hundreds of prestigious elementary schools are found in Texas, mainly in the major cities. Houston, for example, has two. Only an average of 46 people a year do graduate, however. These people usually turn out to be incredibly dull, and frequently lead extremely productive lives, such as becoming douche bags and politicians. The politicians in particular, commonly travel to other states in order to spread Texas’s vast lack of culture and sophistication.

Libraries with books were outlawed in early Texas history. The University of Texas in Austin has the largest adult film library on earth, with over 44 billion pornographic VHS tapes, most of which consists of films by former high school football players.

But who needs to read and write when you can melt your enemies to glass with the numerous nuclear weapons that Texas has?

Other famous Texas elementary schools include:

• Texas A&M, which as of 2008 has invented well over 9,000 sex positions, as well as a new strain of marriageable sheep, and is hard at work at cloning rocks. One Aggie athlete won a Gold Medal at the 2008 Special Olympics and was so excited they had it bronzed.
• Rice, whose graduates have received nearly 200 foosball contest trophies (which they got an excellent deal on, as they were bought in bulk). It's also rumored one of them went on a date once.
• North Texas, alma mater of every notable gay porn star you have ever heard of, as well as half the world's gas huffers
• Southern Methodist (SMU), although they provide nothing of note they are a constant source of amusement to many, who delight in watching them attempt to buy their way into everything
• Texas Tech, which for 17 years running is the alcohol poisoning and unwanted pregnancy capital of the world. The Lubbock Clap (a variant of the clap and syphilis combined) has decreased test scores from "acceptable" to "eggplant".
• Texas State University @ San Marcos (TSUSM), actually changed their name to that from Southwest Texas State (SWTSU) and somehow thought it was an improvement.
• Houston, once imported a great basketball team from Nigeria, but he graduated to the NBA and no one has heard from UH since.
• Oklahoma, although not actually in Texas, many great Texas athletes are loaned to them temporarily in a generous gesture to clean their Northerly neighbor's roads and highways.
• Baylor, the most expensive school in Texas, though nobody knows why. A Baptist institution, the students refuse to have sex standing up, lest someone think they're dancing.
• UTEP/UTA/UTD/UTPB/et al, branch campuses of the University of Texas. Most graduates try to white-out the city name from their diplomas. However, because the education is substantially inferior, most students do not realize that an exact-o knife and some bleach would do the trick.

See also

• Hell
• Dumbass
• Texas cowtowns
• Baylor University

Footnotes