Simon, Management, Montreal, Canada, www.thegaymenproject.com

Simon, in his own words: “Être homosexuel, bon ou mauvais ou les deux ? Le plus difficile est de l’accepter pour soi-même. Après l’acception il reste à l’intégrer, une fois intégré on y trouve du bon, on grandit et on se dit qu’il y a pire que ça dans la vie !

Ça débute par faire le deuil de notre idéal de vie que l’on c’était imaginé dès le jeune âge, d’un modèle de famille qu’on croyait facilement réalisable. La frustration et la colère s’emparent de nous et nous fait regarder en l’air pour envoyer chier le bon dieu de nous imposer un tel défi. On voudrait négocier avec lui un cancer, voir même une amputation en remplacement de ce mal étrange et intense qui nous habite. On cherche à qui s’identifier dans ce nouvel univers d’hyper sexualisation auquel on n’a pas envie d’adhérer malgré la pression qui nous y pousse. On est confronté à nos propres préjugés, on se déconstruit pour retrouver une nouvelle identité, on tente de se trouver de nouveaux repères, non sans peur, angoisse ni vertige.

Puis on se dévoile au grand jour, on cesse de se mentir et de mentir aux autres, sauf à sa grand-mère trop vieille pour comprendre, on fait face aux préjugés, les nôtres et ceux des autres, on a peur d’aimer, de s’ouvrir, on se le reproche et on renvoie chier le bon dieu, on s’achète un pantalon trop serré et on le rapporte au magasin. L’ambiguïté s’installe entre ce qui est normal et malsain, on avance et on revient sur nos pas.

Et puis un jour on aperçoit la lumière au bout du tunnel, on respire une bonne bouffée d’air. On se regarde dans le miroir et enfin on aime assez ce qu’on y voit. On regarde derrière sans avoir envie d’y retourner. Finalement on se reconstruit dans une authenticité qui nous réjouit et on se rend compte qu’on ne le déteste pas tant que ça ce Christ. On prend conscience que ce détour obligatoire nous a fait voyager à travers nous-même, nous a permis de s’ouvrir aux autres, de s’ouvrir à la différence, on se sent entier et enfin libre. Alors on desserre les poings et on trouve que tout ça en valait la peine.”

In English:

“Being gay, is it good, bad, or both? The hardest part of being gay is accepting yourself. Once that’s done, you can integrate your sexuality into your daily life, you grow, and you realize that there are worst things in life than being gay!

As a child we have this ideal of what a family is, and we assume that we’ll easily attain that dream, but the realization that you’re gay turns that notion on its head – in the beginning. We lose ourselves to anger and frustration, cursing a god that would impose such a harsh life on us. We try to negotiate with him, maybe a cancer, or an amputation, anything to rid ourselves of these strange feelings that have taken hold. We search for someone to identify with in this new hyper-sexualized world, a world we want no part of, despite the pressure we feel to conform to it. We face our own prejudices, and in the process we deconstruct ourselves to find a new identity, and new support systems, without fear or anxiety.

Then the big day comes, we stop lying to ourselves and to everyone else, well, maybe not grandma, she’s too old to understand; we face prejudice, both our own and those of others, we’re afraid to love, or to open up, and we blame ourselves, and again, we curse god, we buy those skinny jeans that are much too tight, only to return them. Ambiguity settles in between what is right and wrong, we take one step forward and two steps back.

Then one day, we see the light at the end of the tunnel, and we can finally breathe. Our reflection in the mirror is finally one that we can tolerate, more than that, we see someone that we finally like. We look back on the past without longing to return to it. Eventually we find happiness being our authentic self, and acknowledge that maybe we were a little hard on God earlier. We realize that this detour was necessary and forced us to examine ourselves, it let us open ourselves to others, it helped us to accept our differences, and we finally feel free. We can now let go of all that tension we held, and we find that it was all worth it.”

Click here to see more pictures of Simon.

Thatboy Rod, Musician, Cleveland, Mississippi, www.thegaymenproject.com

Thatboy Rod, in his own words: To me, gay is a way of life. It’s not the best life but it’s the best for me. I don’t see the difference only the correlation between heterosexual and homosexual male or females. I’m happy with who I am and all that I am going to be. Being gay pushed me to do great things, it maks me want to be better than the next person.

What challenges/successes have you had in your life?

A success for me was finishing school. I graduated from the University of West Florida with my BS in Business Administration. Not many people have to motivation to complete school. There are a lot of gays who haven’t even given college a thought. I am proud of myself. A challenge that I face is my music career. I have always loved music. I am very talented, and I write my own music as well. The thing I’m afraid of the most is being a failure.

What’s the gay community like in Cleveland?

I shouldn’t really answer this as I’m not from here and haven’t been here that long. Being gay in Cleveland is like being a minority is a different society. If you’re African American and gay, you might as well consider yourself JUDGED. The Caucasian gays and African American gays doesn’t seem to get along, either one wants sex and the other wants friendship, vice versa.

What’s your coming out story?

I haven’t really came out, I didn’t tell people, they just sorta found out. I don’t hide who I am, nor do I put on a fake persona to conceal ME. I’m glad that people did just find out cause if it were up to me to tell them, it would’ve been bad.

What advice would I give my younger self?

I haven’t really done anything that I regret, yes I’ve made mistakes but those mistakes make me who I am today. If I were to change anything about that then who knows how I would’ve turned out.”

Click here to see more of 

Nicholás (left) and Felipe (right), Santiago, Chile, www.thegaymenproject.com

Nicholás, in his own words: “Para mi ser gay, es poder pasar una serie de obstáculos, obstáculos que si sabes llevar bien, puedes ser inmensamente feliz con lo que realmente te gusta, con la persona que puede hacerte feliz, con todo lo que tu escojas.

“Salir de el closet” no fue realmente un problema, primero por que tengo una mamá la cual siempre ha estado abierta a lo que sea, segundo cuando yo asumí y le dije “Mamá soy gay” ella me respondió con un amable “Hijo si lo sabía”, dice que lo sabe desde que nací. Para el resto de mi familia no fue difícil asumir tampoco, hago que ser gay sea lo mas normal posible, sin tener tabú en lo que hablo con ellos.

Si me hablan de comunidad gay, yo no estoy tan inmerso en ella, pero si me informo sobre el Movilh (Movimiento de Integración y Liberación Homosexual) y puedo darme cuenta que es una comunidad muy activa, siempre haciendo eventos y cosas por el estilo, también se han logrado avances a nivel político y social.

Diría que tomara mas riesgos, que viajara, que conociera y en fin que disfrutara mas de todo lo que te va dando la vida, tanto de personas como de momentos.”

In English:

“For me being gay is to pass a series of obstacles, obstacles if you are to overcome, you can be immensely happy with what it is really like to be the person who is happy with everything you choose.

Coming “Out of the closet” was not really a problem, first because I have a mom that has always been open to whatever, second when I said “Mom I’m gay” she replied with a friendly “Son I knew, “says she knows from birth. For the rest of my family it was not difficult either, me being gay is as normal as possible, without taboo as I talk to them.”

If I talk about the gay community, I am not so immersed in it, but if I reported on Movilh (MOVILH) and I realize that it is a very active community, always doing events and so on, they have also made progress on the political and social level.

(Advice I’d give to my younger self) I would say take more risks, to travel, to know and finally enjoy most of all that which is giving you life, both people and moments.

Felipe, in his own words: “Para mi ser gay es mucho más que una condición netamente sexual, nací gay. Crecí sintiéndome diferente al resto sin saber él porque, cuando recién conocí la palabra gay era utilizada como un insulto con el que se buscaba desprestigiar a alguien, escuchaba a la gente refiriéndose a homosexuales como algo enfermo y anormal, es súper difícil pasar por eso siendo un niño. Ser gay ha significado mucho en todo lo que soy ahora, desde tan chico ir contra la corriente cambia la forma en la que ves el mundo, te da una razón para luchar por lo que crees y así generar un cambio por lo menos en las personas que te rodean.

Asumir uno mismo que es homosexual en una sociedad enferma que impone un prototipo de “normalidad” es difícil. Pero que lo aceptara mi familia fue aún más difícil. Nunca les quise decir directamente “Papá, mamá, soy gay” porque sentí que no era necesario. A los 15 años me puse a pololear con la intención de que lo asumieran por si solos y cuando se dieron cuenta me hicieron la vida imposible, pero de alguna forma tenía que hacerlos darse cuenta que los únicos que tenían que cambiar eran ellos y sus prejuicios retrogradas, y así fue. Ahora llevo dos años pololeando con el Nico y ya es como parte de mi familia.

La verdad es que no me gusta cuando se habla de “comunidad gay” porque personalmente no me siento parte de ella, no tengo mucha relación con más homosexuales aparte de mi pololo. Participo en marchas por el respeto y matrimonio igualitario, se han logrado avances legales importantes en el último tiempo y creo que es necesario ser parte de este proceso en el que Chile está de a poquito cambiando.

Si pudiera decirle algo a mi yo del pasado.. No te canses de buscar la verdad ni dejes de cuestionarte las cosas. La vida es demasiado hermosa para desperdiciarla y hay demasiados sueños por cumplir, no dejes que nada ni nadie acabe con ellos.”

In English:

“For me being gay is much more than a purely sexual condition, I was born gay. I grew up feeling different from others without knowing it because, when I first heard the word gay it was used as an insult with which sought to discredit someone, I heard people referring to homosexuals as something sick and abnormal, it is extremely difficult to go through that being a child. Being gay has meant much to what I am now, since the young buck in the system changes the way you see the world, gives you a reason to fight for what you believe and generate a change at least in people around you.

Taking yourself to be homosexual in a sick society that imposes a prototype of “normality” is difficult. Acceptance from my family was even harder. I never wanted to directly say “Dad, Mom, I’m gay” because I felt it was not necessary. At age 15 I began a relationship, and it made my parents realize that the only ones who had to change were them and their prejudices, and it was. Now I have two years been in a relationship with Nico and he’s like part of my family.

The truth is that I do not like when you talk about “gay community” because I do not personally feel a part of it, I have little relationship with other gays than my boyfriend. I’ve participated in marches for respect and equal marriage, there have been significant legal developments in recent times and I think you need to be part of this process in which Chile is changing little by little.

If I could say something to my past .. Do not tire of seeking truth or questioning things. Life is too beautiful to waste with too many dreams to fulfill, do not let anything or anyone end up with them.”

Click here to see more pictures of Nicholás and Felipe.

Julian, Sociologist, Lima, Peru, www.thegaymenproject.com

Julian, in his own words: “Ser gay significa para mi tener la convicción de que cada uno es libre de amar y querer a una persona de su mismo sexo. Decir que soy gay es un reto a las posibilidades de amor que la sociedad impone.

Aceptar mi sexualidad ha sido uno de los más grandes retos que he tenido. Antes era horrible como mi mente trabajaba en que cosas decir y que hacía o que no para que la gente no lo note. Era agotador y siempre me sentía intranquilo. En mi hogar me veían molesto siempre y no sabían por qué y yo tampoco sentía que podía decirlo. Luego de aceptar quien soy todo comenzó a mejorar y ahora siento que las relaciones que tengo con los demás son más honestas que antes.

La comunidad gay en Lima es aún pequeña, no hay mucha visibilidad pero creo que se están abriendo grandes oportunidades y avances que la gente está consiguiendo. Creo que de aca a unos años seremos más fuertes y con capacidad de presión para generar políticas públicas hacia la población y una sociedad sin discriminación.

Yo sabía que me gustaban los hombres desde pequeño y en secundaria comenzaron a sospechar pero la reacción de ellos no fue nada bueno así que lo negué. Fue recién en el verano del 2009 gracias al apoyo de mis amigos que les dije que era, fue todo un proceso y sigue siendo. Mi madre hace unos meses me dijo “lo único que quiero es que seas feliz”, ella tiene miedo de cómo la gente me pueda tratar en el futuro, por eso también es que decidí luchar por mis derechos, para demostrarle que su deseo y el mío son posibles.

Le diría que ser gay no es el fin del mundo, que nadie me va a castigar, es un camino duro pero aceptarse es lo mejor que te puede pasar y que hay gente que te seguirá queriendo incluso aún más por ser honesto contigo mismo.”

In English:

“Being gay means to me to have the conviction that everyone is free to love and love a person of the same sex. To say that I’m gay is a challenge to the possibilities of love that society imposes.

Accepting my sexuality has been one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever had. Before it was horrible as my mind worked about how to say things or act for people not to notice my sexuality. It was exhausting and I always felt uneasy. At home I always looked annoyed and people did not know why and I felt that I could not say what was happening. After accepting who I am everything started to improve and now I feel that I have more honest relationships with others than before.

The gay community in Lima is still small, there is not much visibility but I think they are opening great opportunities and developments for people to receive. I think from here in a few years we will be stronger and able to pressure to generate public policies towards the population and have a society without discrimination.

I knew I liked men since childhood but my parents began to suspect when I was 16 but their reaction was not good so I refused to accept my sexual orientation. It was not until the summer of 2009 thanks to the support of my friends that I told to my parents, it was a process and remains so. My mother a few months ago said “all I want is your happiness” she is afraid of how people can treat me in the future, so I also decided to fight for my rights, to demonstrate her desires and mine are possible.

(To my younger self) I would say that being gay is not the end of the world, no one is going to punish you, it’s a hard road but accepting it is the best that can happen and there are people who still love you even more for being honest with yourself.”

Click here to see more pictures of Julian.

Vitor, Law Student, Brasilia, Brazil, www.thegaymenproject.com

Vitor, in his own words: “Ser gay me fez ser uma pessoa melhor, me ajudou a olhar para o outro com mais carinho e tolerância. Levei um tempo para aceitar a minha orientação sexual, mas hoje me sinto bem, pleno e realizado. A parte difícil é lidar com a sociedade e o preconceito. O Brasil é um país bem machista e ainda precisamos convencer uma galera de que não somos diferentes de ninguém e que merecemos o mesmo respeito e direitos das outras pessoas.

Certamente o maior desafio que a vida me deu foi o de alcançar a minha independência financeira. Nem sempre pode-se contar com o apoio das outras pessoas quando se é gay e nesse sentido ser independente foi fundamental para mim.

Já não morava com meus pais quando me assumi, mas a reação foi surpreendente. Tive muito medo, mas sentia que precisava contar. Minha mãe me disse que eu não era o primeiro e não seria o ultimo e que o amor que ela sentia por mim não mudaria jamais. Isso foi muito importante para mim. Hoje não falamos sobre esse assunto, mas não preciso mais mentir ou inventar histórias e isso é muito bom.

Acho a comunidade gay bem dispersa em Brasília. Aqui todos se conhecem pelo menos de vista, mas ainda mantemos uma certa distância uns dos outros. O engajamento é pequeno e não há um movimento LGBT consolidado. Apenas uma vez por ano é que pode-se ver muitos gays reunidos, na parada gay.

Se eu pudesse mandar um recado para mim há 10 anos seria: ouça o seu coração e faça aquilo que é certo para você. Perdi muito tempo tentando me adaptar ao que os outros diziam que era certo e sofri bastante.”

In English:

“Being gay has made me a better person, helped me to look at others with more kindness and tolerance. It took me a while to accept my sexual orientation, but today I feel good, full and fulfilled. The hard part is dealing with society and prejudice. Brazil is a very macho country and we still need to convince a galley that we are no different from anyone else and that we deserve the same respect and rights of others.

Certainly the biggest challenge that life gave me was to achieve my financial independence. One can not always count on the support of others when one is gay and in that sense being independent was key for me.

(With regards to coming out) I no longer lived with my parents when I told them, but the reaction was surprising. I was too afraid, but felt the need to tell. My mother told me I was not the first and would not be the last and that the loved me and her feelings for me would not change ever. This was very important to me. Today we do not talk about this, but I don’t need to lie or make up stories and that’s very good.

I think the gay community well dispersed in Brasilia. Here everyone knows at least each other by sight, but still maintain a certain distance from one another. The engagement is small and there is a consolidated LGBT movement. Only once a year can you can see many assembled gays in a gay parade.

If I could send a message to myself 10 years ago it would be: listen to your heart and do what is right for you. I lost a lot of time trying to fit in to what others said it was right and suffered enough.”

Click here to see more images of Vitor.

Ryou, Advertising, Tokyo, Japan, www.thegaymenproject.com

Ryou, in his own words: “Gay only means this person has a different sexual preference. It doesn’t take away anything from who they are. I’m always looking for somebody who would end up being the same group to me not by skin color or nationality or religion, sexuality, but by lifestyle, sense of value, beliefs and stance and such.I always look pass everyone’s difference. Soon I forget they are gay, bisexual or lesbian because I don’t judge anyone.

Can’t think of (any challenges),but in the next 3 years I have to challenge myself to create my own media.

I haven’t yet (officially) told my mom and dad (I’m gay). When I applied to grad school at the Department of Cultural Anthropology five years ago, I wrote essays about the gay scene in Japan and my parents found it, and asked me about my sexuality. I pretended like it was just a subject and that me myself was straight, and they said okay. They have already noticed, and at the same time don’t want to accept it maybe.

(With regards to the gay scene in Tokyo) I’ve never felt so lame personally. There’re so-so many gay clubs, bars, events. Ni-chōme further distinguishes itself as Tokyo’s hub of gay subculture, housing the world’s highest concentration of gay bars. But that doesn’t mean the city itself is gay friendly.

In the social scene, the dominant trope in mainstream television and journalism is male homosexuality as gender crossing. In other words, male homosexuality is inextricably linked to a form of gender misalignment that results in feminine males. Homosexuality is still a taboo in Japan. Many dialogues are still taking place among queers. LGBT politics in Japan isn’t that simple, but some people are trying to change it.

(this year,Tiga ishikawa<石川大我> aimed to Become japan’s first openly gay parliament member,but he couldn’t.)

(Advice I’d give my younger self) Never try to be somebody who you are really not.”

Click here to see more images of Ryou.

Jens (left) and Hans (right), Retired, Langeland, Denmark, www.thegaymenproject.com

Hans, in his own words: “To me being gay means that I am different then the majority of people in the world around me. As a young man I have had a lot of trouble accepting that, as I have a strong tendency to conform to spoken and unspoken demands. But when I was 25 I fell head over heels and quite undeniably in love with my best friend. He was straight and the situation led to the kind of drama I guess a lot of us have been through. But there was no way back for me.

I guess coming out to myself was the hardest part. Coming out to parents, brothers and sisters and friends was easy in comparison. I experienced hardly any negative reactions. The worst were the comments of some of my so called progressive friends. They said I shouldn’t label myself in such an old fashioned way and that we should transcend the dichotomy of straight and gay. Just the kind of rationalisation I had been using to deny my own sexuality. But the large majority was very positive and accepting, my mother said that she always had known….

The struggle between the wish to conform and the inability to do so because I also need to respect my own individuality, is one of my life’s themes. My coming out has helped me to become a much more free and nonconformist person then I would have been without this experience.

Sometimes I can still surprise myself by finding traces of homophobia in me. Jens and I have been living together for over 30 years now, and we have been married for more then 8. But I still find it difficult to call him my husband, especially when talking to people who don’t know me. I guess that in a way my coming out process will never stop. But then nobody is perfect. Not even perfectly gay!”

Jens, in his own words: “I’m 59 years old, Danish and married to Hans, who is Dutch, we have been together for 33 years in September.

I came out when I was 19, just before I turned 20, on Feb. 9th, 1976. I had been very depressed for a long time, felt wrong, didn’t know what was the matter. But from the moment I came out, it has been great, I have never had a negative experience being gay, never heard anything negative about being gay. I think Im very lucky being gay. The only issue has been the fact, that we didn’t have any kids. We really wanted to, we tried several things, like I tried for 2 years to have a baby with a woman, she got pregnant but lost the child. So that was not what life had for us, unfortunately, but now with what I have now, I feel Im very blessed with ‘my boys,’ the young gay guys I’m close to now are my children and I love them very much.

Hans and I met at a conference in Copenhagen in August 1982, on Friday the 13th. We spend 3 days and 4 nights together before he went back to Amsterdam. It felt so right, like coming home. Two days after he left, I called him and suggested to him that I came to Amsterdam, moved in with him. He liked the idea very much. But we agreed to talk again a couple of days later to see if we still liked the idea. We did!!! So I packed my stuff and three weeks later I left Denmark and moved to Amsterdam, one of my favourite places in the world.

That was one of my biggest successes in my life, getting out of Denmark and moving down to Hans in The Netherlands. It was hard in the beginning, very hard. I didn’t have my friends, didn’t speak the language and I was used to fucking around a lot and now I was living with Hans and had to behave, which was very hard. I didn’t have much money, had just finished my bachelor in Psychology and didn’t have a job. But I managed to earn a bit of money and later got a scholarship to start my masters in The Netherlands. Now it sounds crazy, move to another country, give up everything and start all over again, but it was great. I loved living in Amsterdam and even we had a lot of fights, it was so right, it felt so right and Im very happy and proud that we did it.

We are soulmates, from day one and still are. We don’t fight much any more, we have learned how to cope with our life together. Actually we we are together 24/7 and have been like that for 7 years, because we both stopped working early. By respecting each others differences and different wishes on what to do, we are able to have a good time. We kinda split the house in two, Hans spends his day mostly downstairs and I’m mostly upstairs all afternoon. We eat breakfast and dinner together, but not lunch. It turned out that that works better for us. We meet in the afternoon at 4 PM for an hour together, to talk and be together, share how we feel, talk about whats going on and if something is wrong we try to repair it then. On Sunday afternoon we have a relationship afternoon, do something together in the garden or the house. Afterwards we drink a beer together. It’s always very nice.

Being gay and later being with Hans has been a very important part of my life. Maybe the most important. I didn’t finish my studies, instead I started my own company, but being a business man was not very important for me and I didn’t become a psychologist, so I’m just me, a gay guy.

But I made a lot of money with my company which I sold 12 years ago, so we are able to live off our money and don’t have to work, another huge success in my life. I can do what I want to and have done so for the last 12 years.

Two years ago I started a blog on tumblr, a blog where I wanted to help young gay guys. I had found out that young gay guys are having as many problems as I did when I was young, are feeling as lousy as I did when I was young especially before I came out. I always thought, that now with internet that it was easy to be gay today, but it’s not, its very hard especially for young guys and especially for guys who live outside Northwestern Europe where I have spend most of my life. So I try to support those guys I talk with, help them with whatever they are struggling with. Mostly it’s about being gay, many are lonely, many don’t get the support from their families or friends they deserve. They can’t tell that they are gay, so they can’t share their life with anyone, the good or the bad stuff that happens, which is very tough, so they do that with me. Some guys have become very close friends, we talk a couple of hours a week. Others I speak once in a while, some I talk with only a few times. Whatever a guy needs, I try to give it to him. It can be talking about sex or often about the wish to get a boyfriend, but also about studying or finding a job or a place to live. Some are very, very lonely, so its not important what we talk about but that we talk. That they have someone who cares for them, accept and respects them as they are (gay) and who want to hear their story.

I feel that I have had a very good (gay) life. When I was young, I had a lot of boy friends, fucked around a lot, partied, having fun. Then I met Hans and kinda settled down even it was still a bit wild in our first years together. Then we became a couple of boring, hard working guys. Now being gay is not important for me, in my own life, only in my talks with ‘my boys’. Personally it’s about being with Hans, having a good life together.

I always wanted a life of good quality, thats what I fought to get and I feel I got it. I’m still enjoying myself very much and hope that Hans and I will get many more good years together. When we were together for 30 years, we agreed to go for another round of 30 years together.

To my younger self or to all my young gay friends I want to say, that it is gonna be ok. So many worry about if they will find a boyfriend, be happy as a gay guy. Well, you will. If you go for sex in your (gay) life, you can have a lot of that, but not necessarily love, but if you really want love and thats what you go for, you will find it. Of all my friends, gay guys my age, who wanted a boyfriedn, they all found one. Just focus on that, go for it and you will find it. Its possible to be happy and gay, and you can find a boy friend. The problem is that you never meet or see older gay couples, so you think its impossible, but thats not true, we are there and we are a lot, but you just never see it. But look at Hans and me, you can have the same if you want to.”

Click here to see more images of Hans and Jens.

Steve, Activist, Melbourne, Australia, www.thegaymenproject.com

Steve, in his own words: “Being gay means I was lucky enough to be born homosexual, to be born into this community that has existed in every cave, village and city for as long as we have existed as humans. Being gay gives me a connection to people I’ve never met, gives me a connection to a rich history, but most importantly it gives me a community that I care and fight for.

Being gay gives me the freedom to choose my own destiny, to be free from so many of the shackles that society dictates to the majority, I thrive in my difference and I believe this makes our entire society richer.

I think I’m too young to call anything I’ve done a success, I’d run the risk of looking a little smug. Living overseas, graduating with first class honors from a top university are all successes, but I have so many other people that I owe for these successes, I wouldn’t be where I am now without the support of other people, so I don’t want to take all the credit for this.

Personally however I think my greatest success is my acceptance of who I am and the pride I now take in who I am. It’s a great challenge to overcome your insecurities, I’ve had many of them, and I continue to have them, but I’ve come to a point where I own my insecurities, and I’ve never been happier.

I like to say we’re always coming out, to a certain degree. We have to come out whether overtly or subconsciously to every person we interact with, our sexuality is such a huge influence on who we are as a person and what our place within society is. I’m sad to say there are certain times I have chosen not to come out in certain environments and keep cosy in a very glittery wardrobe. 
My ‘classic’ coming out was in two episodes, Mum first when I was 13 then Dad when I was 17. Mum’s first reaction was “never tell your father, I don’t know how he will react,” her reaction was one of fear, not of me and my sexuality but fear for how society will treat me. It’s so sad that parents of fags are genuinely afraid for their child because of how heterosexuals will treat them.

Dad’s first reaction was “I’m so proud of you, you’re an incredible young man and you will achieve great things” (I may be embellishing a bit, but it went something like that). My immediate response was to look at my Mum and say “ALL THIS TIME!!!” But I don’t hold a grudge, she knew no better, and unfortunately parents these days don’t know how to deal with their child coming out. The language around coming out is the same language as that of mourning, or the loss of a limb; “It’s okay, you’ll be the same person in my eyes,” “…well despite this, I still love you.” It’s like, really? Despite what? Despite the fact that your child has now joined the ranks of an incredible community, immediately making them more progressive, empathetic and happy, you’ll still love them? How condescending! There are schools of thought out there that homosexuality is the next step in human evolution, and with technological advancement the idea of heterosexuality for procreation will become null. So to the parents thinking it’s such a sad thing that your child has just evolved into an amazing little homo, shame on you, go bake them a rainbow cake immediately. Less of this “I suppose you’ll have to do” and more confetti at coming outs, please!

I’m an eternal optimist and have found my place in Melbourne’s LGBTIQ community during a period of relevant calm, though this will all change very soon with the inevitable introduction of marriage equality and the changing landscape in the response to the HIV epidemic. So my experience of the community lacks the nostalgia of ‘Club X’ and ‘Bar Y,’ which is so often the frame people view this question with. I have been so lucky to have discovered the community behind the bars (though ironically, it takes going to a bar to find these communities, I know, it’s like Inception). I had to find these opportunities myself, the volunteer work, learning from the old queens I respect so much, surrounding myself by likeminded people and running by my golden rule, “be infinitely kind,” and you will get infinite kindness in return.

I live in a Collingwood bubble, here in Melbourne that means I’m a “Northside gay” and I must have a beard. I’m very lucky that my local bar is one of the world’s longest-continuously running gay bars (The Laird, I highly recommend it) that is rich in history and in community to this day means that I have been well placed to develop a positive identity for myself and an experience of my community that is so positive. Every part of the LGBTIQ community has its stereotypes, for example The Laird is the quintessential hairy-chested, hypermasculine sometimes-leather bar. But nowhere else do I feel more comfortable vogueing it up on the dance floor and nowhere else do I feel so accepted for however I want to express myself. It sounds a bit silly, but in general about various scenes, it’s not about the beard, the six pack, the tan, the politics, it’s what you have inside that really counts, and people will see that and appreciate that. If they don’t, then you’re hanging around with the wrong people.

We have a diverse and rich queer scene here too, think boys, beards and heels, with a reputation for groundbreaking art and performance from Berlin to New York. This is Melbourne, we’re dirty, we lack pretense and glamour, we do ‘different’ and we’re all the more happy for it. Melbourne rocks.

(Advice to my younger self) Listen and learn. Everyone is smarter than you, everyone has something to contribute to you and you have the duty to take it on board and pass it on. I’ve learnt this now, but I wish I knew this when I was a pretentious teenager trying so hard to fit in. I’d say to myself, look at who you really are, stop pretending, stop trying, you’ll become yourself eventually so just stop wasting time trying to be someone else – once you do, you will never be happier.”

Click here to see more images of Steve.

Laan, Dancer, Mesquite, Brazil, www.thegaymenproject.com

Laan, in his own words:

“(Being gay) means my inner self, my freedom. My biggest challenge was to accept myself the way I really am. Success for me was to be able to live as a gay man, to be happy with it and have lots of friends. Coming out was quick, practical and scary at the same time. (If I could give myself advice before coming out) : go slow kid, the world is big.”

Click here to see more images of Laan.

Eric (left) and Jérémie (right) with their son Virgile, Brussels, Belgium, www.thegaymenproject.com

Jérémie, in his own words: Qu’est-ce qu’être gay signifie pour toi?

Cela ne signifie rien en particulier. Eric et moi nous nous considérons d’abord comme des êtres humains, des citoyens, des personnes engagées dans la société avant de nous considérer comme gay. En Europe, et en particulier dans des pays comme la Belgique, il n’y a pas ou peu de stigmatisation vis à vis de l’orientation sexuelle, du coup, on est libre d’être ce que l’on est. Nous ne ressentons plus le fait d’être français en Belgique que d’être gay parmi les hétéros ! En revanche, nous avons bien conscience que cela n’a pas été toujours le cas. Du coup, si être gay devait signifier quelque chose, ce serait à travers les combats qu’il a fallu mener pour dépénaliser l’homosexualité et acquérir l’égalité ! Ce combat n’est pas gagné, on l’a bien vu avec les manifestations contre le mariage gay en France. On le voit dans certains pays où les gays sont pourchassés et parfois mis à mort. Nous avons conscience du chemin qu’il a fallu parcourir et nous avons également conscience de l’effort quotidien qu’il faut pour maintenir nos droits.

À quels challenges as-tu dû faire face en tant que gay ?

Les challenges sont surtout présents et paraissent difficiles à surmonter quand on est jeune et quand on découvre son homosexualité. Il y a toujours le sentiment d’être différent d’où nait un sentiment de honte et d’incompréhension. Il faut savoir s’accepter comme l’on est pour aller de l’avant. Mais, avec l’expérience et l’âge, qu’on soit gay, gros, moche, trop grand, trop petit, roux, frisés ou que sais-je, on doit s’accepter comme on est. C’est un chemin difficile et parfois long… parfois plus long quand on est gay ; tout dépend du milieu dans lequel on grandit.

Personnellement, j’ai mis longtemps à “vivre” mon homosexualité car le me sentais coupable vis à vis de mes parents et de mes proches. J’ai parfois entendu des remarques homophobes à la maison… ça ne m’incitait pas faire mon coming-out. Puis, avec le temps, on relativise et on prend de l’assurance. Plus récemment, le plus gros challenge en tant que gay a été d’être papa… C’est un parcours difficile et long. Non pas sur le plan matériel, mais sur le plan de la vie et de la relation avec son partenaire. Nous avons beaucoup discuté avec Eric sur nos envies, nos désirs, notre futur, notre conception commune de la famille, etc… Puis finalement, avec le recul, ces challenges là, ce n’est que la Vie !

Quelle est l’histoire de ton coming-out ?

Mon coming-out a eu lieux en plusieurs étapes…. Tout d’abord, quand j’ai commencé à vivre sur Paris, je me suis rapidement fait des amis gays et j’ai commencé à aller dans des bars et fréquenter les quartiers gays. Socialement, j’étais de plus en plus ouvert et cela me convenait parfaitement. Puis, tout naturellement, je ne me suis plus caché vis à vis des collègues de bureaux, mes amis d’enfances, etc… Le problème c’était ma famille ! J’ai commencé à le dire à mon frère lors d’une discussion anodine. Ce n’était pas planifié, mais c’est sortie tout seul. S’en est suivie de longues années où j’ai beaucoup voyagé, déménagé, vécu des histoires de couples. J’étais parfaitement bien dans mes basquets partout et avec tout le monde, sauf avec mes parents. La situation était ridicule et surtout intenable. À un moment, c’était tellement absurde que j’ai pris mon courage à deux mains, je n’avais plus rien à perdre, et j’ai tout dis à mes parents. Finalement, tout c’est très bien passé. Nous en avons discuté plusieurs fois ensemble et maintenant, ça me parait idiot d’avoir attendu tout ce temps.

À quoi ressemble la communauté gay à Brussels à tes yeux ?

Nous ne fréquentons plus trop les lieux gays. De temps à autre on sort… mais beaucoup moins qu’avant. Du coup, nous sommes assez mal placés pour décrire parfaitement la communauté ! D’une manière générale, la communauté est paisible et surtout très diverse et bien intégrée. Il y a d’un côté les bruxellois qui sont nés ou installés sur Bruxelles depuis des années, il y a les étudiants ou les jeunes professionnels, toute la communauté des expatriés, des diplomates et fonctionnaires européens, etc. C’est une sorte de melting-pot. Parfois cela se mélange et parfois moins. Bruxelles est une ville très cosmopolite. Nous pensons que la communauté est à son image. Cependant, les gens sont en général ouverts, sympathiques et faciles d’accès. Les associations présentes ici semblent actives et font un excellent travail dans tous les domaines.

Quel conseil donneriez-vous à votre double plus jeune?

N’est pas peur et profite de ta jeunesse !

Comment le fait d’être devenu père a changé ta vie?

Personnellement, ça change beaucoup, beaucoup de choses. La paternité amène tellement de bonheur mais bouleverse totalement le rythme de vie. J’ai pris beaucoup de recul au niveau du travail (pour le bébé, mais pas que ça) et j’ai décidé de prendre plus de temps libre pour m’occuper du petit. Ensuite il faut gérer le rythme de vie, le sommeil et toutes les tâches domestiques. Enfin, l’arrivée d’un bébé bouleverse la vie de couple. Même si nous en avions beaucoup parlé avec Eric, vivre l’arrivée d’un bébé est tout autre chose ! Mais finalement, en discutant avec d’autres parents… c’est exactement pareil partout ! Côté social, nos amis sont tous très heureux pour nous, même si c’est un peu plus difficile d’organiser un apéro en fin de soirée…”

In English:

“(Being gay) does not mean anything in particular. Eric and I consider ourselves first as human beings, citizens, people involved in society, before we consider ourselves as gay. In Europe, and particularly in countries like Belgium, there is little or no stigma against sexual orientation, it is free to be what it is. We feel more being French in Belgium than being gay in a straight world! However, we are aware of the fact that this was not always the case. Consequently, whether being gay meant something, this would be through the battles that were needed in order to decriminalise homosexuality and acquire equality! This fight is not over, we just have to look at what happened with the protests against gay marriage in France. We see in certain countries where gay men and lesbians are murdered and tortured. We are aware of what had to be done and we are also aware of the daily effort to keep our rights.

The challenges are particularly present and seem difficult to overcome when you are young and you discover your own homosexuality. There is always a sense of being different from which accrues feelings of shame and incomprehension. Whether it should be accepted as it is to go ahead. But, with experience and age, being gay, large, ugly, too small or too large, red haired, curly haired or whatever, is we must accept things as there are. It is a long and sometimes difficult road… sometimes longer when being gay; Everything depends on the environment in which you come from.

It took me a while to happily “live” my homosexuality as I felt guilty towards myself, my parents and my relatives. I have sometimes heard homophobic remarks at home… that did not help me with my coming-out. Then, with time, we become more self-confident and see the world in a different angle. More recently, the biggest challenge was to become a dad… This is such a long and complex process. Not in practical terms but in terms of living style, having a stable relationship with the right partner. We have discussed a lot with Eric on our common wishes, desires, our future, our common understanding of the family, etc. And finally, with hindsight, these challenges are only those that everyone faces in real life!

My coming-out took place in several stages…. Firstly, when I started to live in Paris, I quickly made gay friends and I started to go out in bars and be part of the community. Socially, I was increasingly open and I was perfectly fine with that. Then, naturally, I became less and less hidden vis-à-vis my colleagues at work, old friends, etc. The problem was my family! I started to speak to my brother during a usual lunch we used to have every Saturday. This was not planned, but it went on the table naturally. Then came many years where I have travelled a lot, moved, lived love-and-failed stories… I was perfectly balanced in my daily gay life, everywhere and with everyone, except with my parents. The situation was ridiculous and particularly untenable. At a time it was so absurd that I took my courage in both hands, I had nothing left to lose, I told my parents. Finally, it went very smoothly. We discussed it several times and now it seems stupid to me for having waited for all of that time.

We no longer go into the gay community, bars and districts. From time to time we are going out, mostly with friends… but much less than before. Consequently, we are fairly badly placed to describe fully the local community! In general, the community, here in Brussels, is peaceful and, above all, very diverse and well integrated. You can see, on one hand, people who were born or raised in Brussels, being there for years, then you have students or young professionals, the whole expat community, diplomats and officials from the European Institutions, etc. It is a kind of melting-pot. Sometimes, it is mixed and sometimes not. Brussels is a very cosmopolitan city. We think that the community is as its image. However, people are in general open, friendly and easily accessible. The associations represented here seem active and are doing an excellent job in all domains.

(Advice to my younger self) Don’t be afraid, live and enjoy your youth!

Personally speaking, (being a father) changes dramatically your life. Paternity brings so much happiness but completely disrupt the rhythm of life. I took a step down at working level because of the baby, in order to be more present and take more care of him and of myself. Then you need to manage the pace of your daily life, have some sleep and do all your domestic work. Finally, the arrival of a baby also overturns the couple’s living balance. Even though I lengthily talked about that with Eric, the arrival of a baby is anything else you previously have imagined! However, discussing with other parents… it is exactly as such everywhere! Our friends are all very glad for us, even if it is slightly more difficult to organise a dinner party or to go out for drinks in late evening…

Eric, in his own words: “À quels challenges as-tu dû faire face en tant que gay ?

Je dois avouer que je me considère comme un privilégié quant à mon homosexualité et ce qu’elle a pu impliquer dans ma vie jusqu’à présent. Je n’ai jamais ou quasi jamais été confronté à l’homophobie jusqu’à ces dernières années, ma famille et mes parents plus particulièrement sont des gens ouverts sur le monde et qui ont accepté mon homosexualité avant même que je fasse mon coming-out, je vis dans des pays où, comme le disait très justement Jérémie, les choses sont plutôt simples à ce niveau… Donc je n’ai pas eu de gros challenges. Évidemment, j’ai eu une période vers les 20 ans où j’ai dû admettre, après quelques échecs avec les filles, que j’étais homo, et ce cheminement m’a pris environ 2 ans. Le seul gros challenge a été, vers l’arrivée de ma trentaine, de me dire « tu es pédé, donc tu ne seras pas papa parce que les pédés ça fait pas des enfants ». Ça a été très long et douloureux pour moi d’admettre ça… pour finalement me rendre compte, suite à ma rencontre avec Jérémie, que je n’avais pas abandonné et que les choses sont parfaitement possibles. Et aujourd’hui, nous sommes papas et c’est génial.

Quelle est l’histoire de ton coming-out ?

Il a été long même si ma famille ne me posait pas de questions et que je me doutais bien que ma mère avait compris. Mais comme dit avant, admettre au grand jour mon homosexualité, c’était aussi envoyer à mes parents le message « vous ne serez pas grands-parents ». Alors pendant plusieurs années j’ai vécu cette double vie. Pendant 2 ans même j’ai vécu avec un mec et quand mes parents venaient me rendre visite, il devait sortir, cacher ses affaires. Lorsque nous avons rompu, je me suis dit que je ne pouvais plus continuer ainsi car c’était cruel autant pour moi que pour les autres. J’ai donc décidé de le dire à ma mère que j’ai invité à déjeuner. Je n’ai pas eu besoin de finir ma phrase qu’elle me disait déjà qu’elle savait depuis que j’étais petit et que, si au début c’était dur, aujourd’hui elle était parfaitement en harmonie avec cela et qu’elle était soulagée que je le lui dise enfin! Elle m’a poussé ensuite à le dire à mon père et un dimanche, au repas de famille, elle m’a balancé tout tranquillement « au fait, je l’ai dit à ton père puisque tu n’arrivais pas à te lancer ». J’ai failli tomber de ma chaise. Je suis donc allé voir mon père et avant que je dise quelque chose, il m’a pris dans ses bras. Et voilà, mon coming-out était fait.

Quel conseil donneriez-vous à votre double plus jeune?

Tu es ce que tu es, alors sois fier et avance!

Comment le fait d’être devenu père a changé ta vie?

Disons que c’est comme une explosion nucléaire dans ta vie. Tu as beau être préparé à ça, c’est incroyable le bouleversement que ça produit aussi bien dans ton quotidien, ton rythme de vie, que dans ce que tu peux ressentir intérieurement. J’ai le sentiment que toutes mes émotions sont décuplées, les joies comme les stresses ou les difficultés. Être père est le plus grand bonheur de ma vie, un bonheur qui se renouvelle dans chaque sourire de notre fils. Ça donne aussi un sens nouveau à la vie, une nouvelle façon de voir l’avenir mais aussi de relire le passé. J’ai l’impression que tout prend son sens finalement, que le passé prend un sens. Et si ça rend le futur plus flou parfois je trouve, ça le rend aussi plus optimiste, plein de vie, d’espoir, d’envies et de motivation. Devenir père m’a rendu encore plus humain au sens de « je fais partie de la communauté humaine avant de faire partie de la communauté gay ». Je suis fier d’être gay, mais je suis encore plus fier d’être papa et (futur) mari de Jérémie.”

In English:

“I must confess that I consider myself privileged with regard to my homosexuality and what it could have meant in my life so far. I have never or almost never been confronted with homophobia until recent years, my family and my parents in particular are open to the world and have accepted my homosexuality even before I made my coming-out. I lived in countries where, as Jeremie said previously, it’s fairly straightforward at this level… so I did not have major challenges. Of course, I had a period around my 20’s where I had to admit, after a few failures with girls, that I was gay, and this process took me about 2 years. The only major challenge has been the arrival of my 30’s, when I said to myself “you’re a fag, therefore you will never become dad because gays don’t have children!”. It was very long and painful for me to accept that… ultimately I realized, thanks to my relationship with Jeremie, that I had not abandoned this idea of being a father and that things are perfectly possible nowadays. And today we dads and that’s just great.

(Coming out) had been long, even though my family did not raise this issues and despite the fact I was thinking that my mother had understood. However, as said before by Jeremie, accepting yourself as gay was just to send a negative message to my parents: “you will never be grandparents!”. Then, I lived for several years this double life. For 2 years I lived with a guy and when my parents came to visit me, he had to leave, and get rid of his stuff and hide it. When we broke-up, I said to myself that I could no longer continue to live in such a way because it was as cruel for me than for my friends. I had therefore decided to speak to my mother and I had invited her for lunch. I did not need to finish my sentence, she told me that she was aware since I was little and, of course it was hard for her at the beginning, but now she was perfectly in harmony with it and she was relieved that I have finally come out! This encouraged me to speak to my father and on a Sunday family lunch, my mother just said ‘Oh, by the way, I told your father since you were not able to do so!” I was just close to fall out of my chair. Later on, I discussed with my father and before I was able to say something, he took me into his arms. And here was my coming-out.

(Advice to my younger self) You are what you are, then be proud and go ahead!

Let’s say that (being a father) is as a nuclear explosion in your life. You may be prepared for this, it is an incredible change in both your lives and what you can feel deeply. I feel that my emotions are increased tenfold, it is the same with my joys, my stresses or with my own difficulties. Being a father is the greatest happiness of my life, happiness to be boosted in each smile of our son. It also gives a new meaning to life, a new way to see the future but also to refer back to the past. I have the feeling that all happened to me, finally, makes a new sense. And when it makes the future more blurred sometimes I find it makes it also more optimistic, full of life, hope, desires and motivation. Becoming a father has made me even more human at the meaning of ‘I am part of the human community before being part of the gay community’. I am proud to be gay, but I am even more proud to be daddy and (future) husband of Jérémie.”

Click here to see more images of Eric and Jérémie.

Hi, I’m Kevin! I’ve spent the past three years traveling around the world photographing gay men with the hope of sharing our stories. So far I’ve photographed over 500 individuals in 49 cities, 14 countries, and five continents. I’m trying to get more exposure for the project, so check it out and if you like, please share! I really appreciate your help!

http://www.thegaymenproject.com

www.thegaymenproject.com. Brett, Little Rock, Arkansas.

Brett, in his own words:“I came out at 19 while in the Navy. A buddy in boot camp said he knew I was gay and took me to my first gay bar in Orlando, FL in 1982. I really never had any issue after that. My family gave me hell over it for a few years, then they got over it.”

Click here to read the rest of Brett’s story.

www.thegaymenproject.com. Terry, Portland, Oregon.

Terry, in his own words:“The challenges I’ve had I think have been personal, meaning, I had to learn to accept myself so I could find the strength to tell those who didn’t accept me that their opinion of who I am doesn’t matter. It’s not easy to focus and be productive in any kind of work if you are constantly worried what others think of who you are. .”

Click here to read the rest of Terry’s story.

www.thegaymenproject.com. Derek, Los Angeles.

Derek, in his own words:“I think everyone has contradicting aspects that make up who they are, it doesn’t mean that you’re messed up it just means that you’re an individual. You can find success in identifying with not just one part of yourself but by taking each piece and making it your own.”

Click here to read the rest of Derek’s story.

I entered these pictures of gay men I took across rural parts of America into a photo contest.  They didn’t win, but I’m still proud of them :)  

I’m doing a one way around the world trip this fall, follow the project here:  

www.thegaymenproject.com