Just to reassure you, it IS 2012:

Punk rock band The Sex Pistols have signed a record deal with Universal, it has been announced.

Why? Seriously: what is point new Sex Pistols deal?

An "expanded and repackaged edition" of the band's Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols album will be released later this year.

Repackaged? Isn't the original packaging kind-of the bit that's stood the test of time?

"To be given the opportunity to re-evaluate the Sex Pistols catalogue is every music lover's dream," said Universal's Karen Simmonds.

Really, Universal's Karen Simmonds? You think that not just anybody who believes that there's anything left to re-evaluate, but that every music lover is dreaming of doing it?

Record labels. They're really their own worst enemies, aren't they?

Back in 2007, you'll recall that amid much hoopla, Madonna signed a ten year deal with LiveNation for everything:

The 10-year deal encompasses all of Madonna's future music and music-related businesses, including the exploitation of the Madonna brand, new studio albums, touring, merchandising, fan clubs/Web sites, DVDs, music-related television and film projects and associated sponsorship agreements. This model will address all of Madonna's music ventures as a total entity for the first time in her career.

"The real story here is while everyone's talking 360 [degree deals], we were quietly building the services to do it right," Rapino says. "We have spent a considerable amount of resources building this Artist Nation division first and then going after artists second. Madonna would not have done a 360 deal with us just because of our touring capability. We had to prove to her and others that we have been working on and built a very good execution capacity at Artist Nation."

Surprising, then, that she's just signed a three album deal with Universal.

Perhaps LiveNation weren't quite as good at being a record label as they thought they were. Perhaps they should have spent less time on the execution capacity, and focused on the records?

Morrissey is currently, shall we say, between record deals, and it's because he's so popular, reports ContactMusic:

Legendary singer Morrissey still cannot get a record deal and thinks his previous success is hindering his career.

Is that so, Mozzer?

He said: "There's not much I can do about it. Once it becomes public that you aren't signed, you assume that anyone who wants you will come and get you.

"I think labels for the most part want to sign new discoveries so that that label alone is seen to be responsible for the rise of the artist. Not many labels want bands who have already made their mark, because their success is usually attributed to some other label somewhere else at another time.

"Most artists are remembered for the albums that introduced them, or that made their success. For this reason, the press only write about me in terms of the Smiths story, and the fact that I've had three solo number one albums - or even 25 years of eventful solo activity - is never mentioned anywhere. Odd."

I suppose it is possible that labels would rather sign a new act than someone who is already incredibly popular. It's well recorded that record labels are almost supernaturally averse to signing sure things, much preferring to ignore easy number one albums with an established act in favour of spunking cash away on a bunch of teenagers who may or may not prove to be the new Birdland.

Maybe Morrissey is having trouble finding a label because nobody wants an artist who spends a lot of his time grumpily explaining what that isn't racist, actually.

Or perhaps its because - although he has done quite well in terms of chart position, only one of his solo records has managed more than 300,000 sales and the most recent, Years Of Refusal hasn't even earned a silver disc yet, two years in. A guaranteed top ten act, then, but one unlikely to shift 60,000 copies.

Given that Charlotte Church's massive deal with Power Amp was supposed to put her in control of her own record-making, presumably now she's dumped the contract she's become the first person ever to drop themselves from their own label?

Despite having been trailed as a deal which would mean Church be free of interference from the money men, the sticking point appears to have been interference from the money men.

Anyone who heard the Jeeves And Wooster album knows that Hugh Laurie is actually pretty nifty behind the piano, so the prospect of a new record isn't too scary.

And he's not going to do it in character, although I bet Warners are hoping they can persuade him to call it House music.

Laurie is characteristically wry about deal:

"I am drunk with excitement at this opportunity," the 51-year-old said. "I know the history of actors making music is a chequered one, but I promise no one will get hurt.

"I am particularly thrilled to be working with Joe Henry, who has produced some of my favourite records of all time, and I can't wait to get started."

Obviously, for the fabulously wealthy and successful actor, he's working on a blues album. Which is a bit like Lindsay Lohan recording gospel.

Continuing the obsession in yesterday's paper which played the That/Williams rapprochement as mainly being of interest due to the money, today Carl Stroud - Gordon's deputy - files this:

ROBBIE WILLIAMS is at the centre of a multi-million pound record label bidding war after he confirmed he is rejoining TAKE THAT.

The band will release an album together and are set to rake in £75million with a 54-date stadium tour next summer.

But Robbie's record-breaking contract with EMI - signed for a reported £80million in 2002 - is up in October.

Stroud then goes on to speculate about Sony and Universal waving round £100 million bids to secure Williams. Sorry, a "source" does:

An industry source said: "Signing Robbie Williams is the holy grail for labels at the moment.

"He's already struck the biggest record deal in history, so whatever he is offered will have to compare favourably to that.

"He could be the first British artist to ever land a £100million deal."

The only problem with this - no disrespect to the industry source - is that it totally ignores Williams' recent track record. When EMI signed him for £80million, it was at the top of the Robbie Williams market. Now, more than ever, he's a bit like a saucer - only really of value if you're getting the full set, and - frankly - he could be easily replaced by a coaster if he was required at all.

And that would be if the record labels had any money to bid with.

The only industry source who surely would go round telling the papers that Williams was worth a hundred million - a tenth of a billion, lest we forget - is someone trying to talk up Williams' price in the market.

Frankly, if Williams thought his future earnings were going to be that high, he'd be self-financing. Trying to squeeze cash out of a record label is a sign that he knows he's not really going to make very much in the long run.

We often scoff at the claims of record labels when they say they invest millions in developing new artists, so hats off to Sony who've just announced a ten-album, quarter of a billion dollar deal with a bright young artists called... erm, Michael Jackson.

As if to prove that labels are happier having an artist who can't talk back, this is the biggest deal ever. Even counting artists who have a pulse. And he's not even going to turn up at gigs to promote them - although given that the living Jackson hardly ever turned up to play the gigs he'd been booked for, they might as well carry on announcing tours.

The ten albums - you can half-unclench your buttocks - only includes one album of totally new stuff. The other nine will be re-releases and best of collections.

Even if Sony haven't totally over-estimated the level of interest in the dead Michael Jackson - and they have - they've completely overpaid. How many exciting new records could have been made with just a quarter of the money being pumped into the Jackson hole?

You know what? Let's not look at it like Marilyn Manson's audience have now reached puberty in such numbers that his latest album managed to barely squeak over 100,000 sales in the US. Let's not see it as if Interscope have decided that a Manson is a one-trick pony whose trick looks a little dated against a backdrop of Twilight and True Blood making cheap Goth look much sexier. Let's not see this as an end, shall we?

Let's turn that badly-drawn-with-eyeliner frown upside-down, shall we?

The singer told Metal Hammer: "We've just been released from our record contract with Interscope so I think a lot of the creative control on which my hands were tied on a lot of choices - the music videos - things like that (has been regained).

"I was so restrained from the music that I wanted to make - what they would allow, they would put out, what ideas they would allow to be conveyed in these videos. At least half of my creative output has been squashed, so now I think people can expect a whole lot more."

Mmm. Yes, it was a lack of creative freedom that was holding you back, wasn't it? Rather than a more pressing lack of creative ideas. So what's the big plan now you're "free", Marilyn? Same thing, but with more nipples?

If the Hip Hop Chronicles are to be believed, Jay-Z has signed The Ting Tings to Roc Nation, and is going to mastermind the next stage of their career:

One source said,

“Jay is hoping to lend his production skills to some of the new material, the staccato rhythmic style of The Ting Tings sits well with what he does best, so that was the attraction”. Jay can make them one of the biggest British bands across the pond”

It's like the feeling you get when a small, caring, organic brand is bought up by a multinational food-processing company. You can understand the desire to build the market for the good things you're doing, but can't help worrying that what made them special can only be flushed out by the deal.

If Joss Whedon finds no luck with his $10,000 offer to buy the Terminator franchise, perhaps he might consider investing in another tarnished-but-still-loved icon? Morrissey has come adrift from his record label and is seeking new positions.

More good news: Final Fantasy - near enough to an Arcade Fire spin-off as to make not much difference for our purposes here - have signed to Domino. Owen Pallett is promising an album early next year as a result.

In The Apprentice, you'll be aware, there ain't no second prize. Arguably, the arrangements made for the winner of the competition would suggest there's not really a first prize, either.

But what of the X Factor? What happens to the ballast in Simon Cowell's tanks?

Gordon has over-excited news:

Cowell's Ruthless

Hold on - that's a pun:

RUTH LORENZO has turned her back on mentor SIMON COWELL to sign a �1million deal with a rival record firm.

And only six months after not winning The X Factor. Talk about striking a little while after the metal was lukewarm.

Naturally, it's a million quid deal. They're always million pound deals, aren't they? Nobody ever signs a six-hundred thousand pound deal, even if you can only make it to seven figures by enthusiastic rounding-up and counting the costs of every muffin at every marketing meeting.

For all Smart's excitement, you'd have to guess that if Simon Cowell hasn't already forced Lorenzo into a strait-jacketed deal, it might be because he knows something EMI doesn't.

Gordon runs through some people who may or may not be lined up to work with her:

I’ve never been a massive fan of Ruth’s but Tyler, Slash and Santana are big potatoes on both sides of the Pond.

They're big potatoes? Presumably in the sense of "that's not small potatoes", but I'm not sure simply making the spuds larger turns them into something fabulous. Try it today - go in, see your boss, and tell him or her that you think they're an enormous tuber.

And from tubers to tubas, as Gordon has taken delivery of photos of Lily Allen and a man. Not knowing who the man is, Smart is reduced to describing the pictures:

The specs-wearing chum gave the songbird a delicate peck on the side of the head when she was looking glum.

Moments later she was grinning again as she fooled round with a little bugle.

That isn't, sadly, a euphemism. Or a euphonium, come to that.

Having drawn attention to the bugle, and unable to put a name to the man, where can Gordon go?

Lily has just announced a new eight-date UK tour for November.

I wonder if she’ll take an entire brass band on the road with her?

Really? You really wonder that, Gordon? You picture Smile with Harry Worth conducting, do you? Or is it merely that you can't really think of anything else to say about a photo of a woman mucking about by putting a small instrument on her head? If she'd put a flowerpot on her head, doubtless we'd be sat here pondering if she's ever thought of inviting Charlie Dimmock on tour with her.

What's that? Oh, yes... he had thought of that one... but:

Lily's got the horn

... naturally, he was keeping that for the headline.

Simon T emails, in response to Digital Spy's story about Henry Preistman signing with Universal:

"Henry Priestman has been trying to sign to a label since 1978", apparently. Which is presumably why labels signed him when he was in The Christians, It's Immaterial and Stiff makeweights The Yachts, as well as, according to a couple of minutes' Googling, singing on a Jools Holland album and appearing on the number one Hillsborough charity cover of Ferry Cross The Mersey. But apart from that...

Indeed - and, come to that, the deal with Stiff under which The Chronicles Of Modern Life - which DigitalSpy describes as his "debut album" - originally came out on in September this year.

Still, why let the facts, etc etc?

Although McCain likes to call us - all of us - "my friends", he doesn't really have that many friends, does he? So it's not surprising that McCain grabs closely anyone who shows the slightest interest in him.

But what is Samuel The Unlicensed Plumber Wurzelbacher's motivation for hanging around McCain, endorsing him and going out to stump for the downward spiral? It turns out it's got nothing to do with politics, and everything to do with trying to launch a career as a country musician:

On Tuesday, Wurzelbacher joined country music artist and producer Aaron Tippin to form a new partnership that includes booking-management firm Bobby Roberts and publicity-management concern The Press Office to field the multiple media offers he’s received over the past few weeks.

Less harmless than Palin's motivation (a 2012 run in her own right), perhaps, but it must be heartbreaking for McCain to realise that his expensive presidential bid is running out its last few days as the poor man's American Idol.

More gloomy news for major labels - Janet Jackson (now, apparently, the most popular Jackson of them all) has had enough of Island DefJam. Her people have issued a statement:

Mmm. It's a little late to be turning up at a thriving Western outpost, book a room in the hotel, order a cold beer and claim to be a pioneer, especially when Jackson's plans are wrapped around such a vague "other diverse and innovative channels". iTunes is many things, but it's not been innovative for half a decade.

Take advantage of the new music indsutry? Pah! Did John Lennon ever take advantage of changing technology? (erm, actually, yes, come to think of it) Well, Ringo, then. He never did.

Oasis have renewed their deal with Sony BMG.

The real horror? It's a three-album deal. Guaranteeing a dribble of new (or "new") Oasis stuff until about 2014 at their current work-rate.

Some good news: Exene Cervenka has signed a deal for a new album with Bloodshot Records; Rob Miller of Bloodshot is giddy with delight:

Of course, it's not only small labels that get that glow - we understand that there are some tax-specialists accountants that Guy Hands has been thrilled to get the opportunity to work alongside at EMI.

Do you remember Koopa, the band who - a year ago - achieved a small footnote's worth of fame by becoming the first unsigned band to achieve a Top 40 hit on downloads alone?

Now they're back, having signed a deal with Pied Piper Records. We're not quite sure what to make of all of this. With no disrespect to Pied Piper, it's hardly like they've hooked themselves a massive deal; so it's not as if they've turned their "fanbase on the internet and on the live circuit" into a huge contract. And - despite having managed to scrape into the top 40 last year - they clearly have decided they're not going to do much more under their own steam without a contract.

So, in effect, these early harbingers of the New Download Era have effectively abandoned the internet and gone back to the old way of doing things, signing with a small label to build up a career. The other end of the music industry from Radiohead, things might not be changing so quickly...

The departure of the Rolling Stones to Universal isn't much of a financial blow to EMI - a one-off live album of the 21st century Stones isn't exactly going to have people banging on record shop doors on day of release - but it's another blow to the image of the company.

The latest Word podcast was talking about the departure of Tony Wadsworth, suggesting that his euphemistically-phrased 'decision to step down' was effectively the symbolic point where EMI abandoned its history and ceased to be the company it was.

We suspect that Warners is only putting off this point because Edgar Bronfman is more emotionally connected to the predigital music business than Guy Hands is.

Of course, with only three albums in the shops so far, it's a little early to start speculating about what Coldplay might do after completing their current EMI contract, and while it's possible that Coldplay consider quitting label stories are part of a strategy to negotiate a better deal, but even so: the company's ability to mislay its big hitters is starting to look like a massive faultline. With Terra Firma promising even less to spend on marketing in future, EMI is starting to look more and more like it's turning into a business managing back catalogue than one releasing new music.