Nothing Special   »   [go: up one dir, main page]

Showing posts with label christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christmas. Show all posts

Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy Christmas!

Thanks to Ruth for bringing the following to my attention just before Christmas last year with the suggestion that I might add it to my Blog.  Better late then never!

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the liner Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas to everyone who reads my occasional musings, particularly the small band of regular readers.  May all that you wish for come true in 2012.



Saturday, December 25, 2010

Friday, December 25, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

It's a surveillance world

If you feel like tracking Santa, the nice people at NORAD can help you.  The North American Aerospace Defense Command have been doing this for over 50 years now, and it's nice to know that the safety of a significant chunk of the western hemisphere is in the hands of people who actually have a heart!

Enjoy.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Corroboration

Well, what did I tell you.  Pop over to Kelvin's Blog and read about how he cried at Elizabeth Poston's Jesus Christ the Apple Tree during Choral Evensong yesterday.  Just like I said in my previous post, a fantastic piece and obviously beautifully performed on the night.

And I note with interest and some pleasure that he has praise for Choral Evensong in the Cathedral.  I couldn't agree more.  It's the best of services and has been sung relatively unchanged since the 17th century.

Oh, and the carol service with Glasgow Chamber Choir at Hyndland Parish Church went well, and all beautifully directed by our stand-in conductor Noel, a choir member and all round fantastic musician.  We are lucky to have his skills on tap, both vocally and while waving his arms on occasions.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Festive Public Information Announcement

How very remiss of me, I've just realised I haven't publicised any of the Christmassy type stuff in which I'm involved this year.  So here goes.

Sunday 13th December

Tonight at 6.30pm in Hyndland Parish Church at 79-81 Hyndland Road in Glasgow, there will be a carol service in which Glasgow Chamber Choir is taking part.  In addition to GCC, there'll also be around 70 primary school children whose teacher is a member of GCC and they'll be singing some stuff on their own.

Also tonight St Mary's Cathedral in Glasgow has their regular Choral Evensong at 6.30pm.  This isn't specifically a Christmas event, obviously, but is well worth mentioning because the introit they'll be singing is Jesus Christ the Apple Tree, an outstandingly lovely piece by Elizabeth Poston.  Last year's performance of it in the Cathedral caused shivers in the spine when the sopranos sang their "solo" start and ending incredibly beautifully and tenderly, and I would expect tonight to be the same.  Not that they don't normally sing beautifully, lest I get pelters from any of them for mentioning it as though it was out of the ordinary!  The other music is by Orlando Gibbons, Thomas Ebdon, Tomas Luis da Victoria, and JS Bach.  Anyway, I won't be singing Evensong tonight as I'll be in Hyndland with GCC.

Sunday 20th December

Next Sunday Glasgow Chamber Choir will be singing in the Usher Hall in Edinburgh at 3pm in the annual Christmas Classics - A Grand Christmas Gala extravaganza put on by the music entrepreneur Raymond Gubbay.  It's not our own concert, which is good because we have no organising or selling of tickets for it, and we are effectively the main "chorus" along with the NYCoS Edinburgh Area Choir, the Scottish Concert Orchestra, and the tenor Iain Paton and trumpeter Mark O'Keefe, all conducted by Robert Howarth.  Oh and we get paid for doing it, obviously.  Not as individuals (lest a representative from Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs is reading this) but into choir funds.  Tickets range from £13.50 to £30.

That night the Christmas Carol Concert at St Mary's Cathedral will take place at 6.30pm, and music includes The Lamb (John Tavener), Where riches is everlastingly (Bob Chilcott), Hail, happy morn (F. Walker), Cantemos a Maria (Dominican Republic traditional), Eg vil lofa eina þá (Bára Grímsdóttir), In the bleak mid-winter (Darke), and God to Adam came in Eden (John Barnard).  Quite an eclectic selection and I'm sorry to be missing singing in it at least partially because having learned the Bára Grímsdóttir piece a couple of years ago it gives me a sense of smug satisfaction to sing in Icelandic even if I have no clue what the words mean!

Monday 21st December

Glasgow Chamber Choir will be doing it all again in the Raymond Gubbay Carols and Classics concert in the Royal Concert Hall in Glasgow at 7.30pm, this time with the NYCoS Falkirk Area Choir instead of the Edinburgh one, but everything else is the same. Tickets range from £17 to £29.50 for this one.

Much more importantly though, before the Monday evening concert, that afternoon between 1pm - 2pm you can hear a much less grand but no less worthy rendition of traditional carols in aid of Save the Children.  This will take place inside the Royal Bank of Scotland branch at 10 Gordon St, Glasgow G1 3PL.  Taking part will be a modest number of singers (four to be exact) including yours truly, and this will be the inaugural (and possibly only) public performance by The New Quartet which was "founded" earlier this year with the twin purposes of singing and socialising!  So if you're in Glasgow city centre on Monday 21st December at lunchtime, please pop in to the bank (it's next to the TGI Friday which is on the corner of Buchanan Street and Gordon Street) and show your support for this worthy charity and for the four members of The New Quartet.  And on the subject of the RBoS, they have received a hell of a lot of largely deserved bad press recently, but they actually offer an awful lot of support to charities, almost all behind the scenes and almost all unreported and unrecognised.  So all credit to them for that.

Thursday 24th December

On Christmas Eve Choral Eucharist (aka the Midnight Service) will take place in St Mary's Cathedral at 11.15pm and the setting is the Festival Missa Brevis by Frikki Walker, who is the Director of Music at St Mary's Cathedral and also of RSCM Scottish Voices amongst others.  The anthem is the hauntingly good O Magnum Mysterium by Morten Lauridsen who is one of the increasingly famous and popular group of American contemporary composers which also includes Eric Whitacre.  I've sung O Magnum Mysterium a few times before, and also his larger scale piece Lux Aeterna, and if you haven't heard his style of music before you should make an effort to, because it's worth it. As is Whitacre's.  And that's high praise from someone who generally dismisses much of what has been written since the 17th century!

Friday 25th December

Finally, well as far as Christmas stuff goes, Sung Eucharist will take place at 10.30am on Christmas Day in St Mary's Cathedral, and the setting is by Proulx & MacMillan, with other music being Cantemos a Maria (Dominican Republic traditional), and Hail, happy morn (F. Walker).

And then ....

And then begins a short break from singing.  Well, a week anyway! The Cathedral choir gets back in harness on Sunday 3rd January 2010, and Glasgow Chamber Choir starts rehearsing on Thursday 14th January for our next concert of British Classics which is on Saturday 20th March 2010 in St Mary's Cathedral in Glasgow (small world!) and Sunday 21st March 2010 in St Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh, and music includes:

William Walton (1902-1983) - Coronation Te Deum; The Twelve
Jonathan Harvey (b. 1939) - Come, Holy Ghost; I love the Lord
Orlando Gibbons (1583-1625) - O clap your hands; Drop, drop slow tears

No doubt further adverts will appear before that though!

Other music things?  Well RSCM Scottish Voices will next meet on Saturday 16th January to sing a service in St Mary's Parish Church in Haddington, just east of Edinburgh.  Keep an eye on our Blog for more details of all our services, and of what to do if you feel you'd like to audition for the choir.

Friday, November 27, 2009

HSE guidance for singing festive songs

Thanks to Phil for the following guidance issued by the Health & Safety Executive in relation to the singing of festive music:

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way


A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched


While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around


The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load


The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star


Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.


You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities For All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.