MythDancer | Bringing Myths to the Modern World

We're wrapping up 2014 with a modern adaptation of the Iliad!  This was written as an assignment for a Western Humanities class.  The instructor's example of a modern take on the Iliad was a bunch of kindergarteners fighting over a teddy bear...which is accurate.  Please note that the "links" at the bottom do not actually exist, but I wanted to make it seem like H (Homer) was a blogger like myself.

I hope you guys enjoy this interpretation, and I'll be back on Friday with an introduction to Japanese mythology!


Disclaimer: I know nothing about football except what little I have gleaned from watching the Superbowl for its commercials and from Wikipedia. I know even less about cheerleading. I apologize in advance.

October 7th, 2014

I’m just gonna go ahead and dedicate this to my darling, my muse, who inspired me to write this. Without her I would never have put this into words.

This account is all about how pissed off Achilles got. But that’s not how it started. Let me tell you:

It all began when Helen switched schools to be with her new boy-toy. Unfortunately, she didn’t break up with her previous boyfriend before doing this. Menelaus was understandably upset - after all, she was the hottest cheerleader in town. She was kind of a trophy for him to parade around in front of all the other jocks. For her to leave him for the sissy mascot of the Trojan school was a huge insult. Naturally, he took this up with his brother, Agamemnon. After all, if the Achaeans could defeat the Trojans in football, they would shame the school - and its mascot - forever. Menelaus was also hoping that he could show off enough to win Helen back.

The brackets for the season had already been set, and the Achaeans would have to beat a lot of other schools in order to play against the Trojans. The Trojan quarterback, Hector, was an amazing player. His plays had won the Trojans many a game. He was also the brother of Paris, so Agamemnon knew he would play hard to defend his brother’s honor. Luckily for the Achaeans, they had a quarterback who was more than Hector’s match - Achilles. Though Agamemnon was the coach, Achilles was the one who decided the plays and won the game. With his help, Agamemnon was sure he could help win Menelaus’ girlfriend back.

The games were fierce, with both Trojans and Achaeans winning in all of their games. Along the way Achilles fell for a cheerleader named Briseis, who had cheered for a school whose team the Achaeans had defeated. Agamemnon also began a relationship with a cheerleader, this one named Chryseis. When her father found out he was furious, due to the age difference between his daughter and Agamemnon. He threatened to sue Agamemnon and have him banned from coaching if he did not break off the relationship. Seeing no other choice, Agamemnon dumped Chryseis.

Irritated that he had been forced to give up a beautiful woman, Agamemnon sulked whenever he saw Achilles with his new girlfriend. Finally he gathered the team together. Pointing out that he was the one who did all the work, and that without him the team could not play, he demanded that Achilles break off his relationship with Briseis, claiming it distracted him from playing. Achilles refused to do so, but Agamemnon would not relent, and Achilles was eventually forced to give in. Since Briseis was legally an adult, Agamemnon began to try and woo her.

Furious at this turn of events, Achilles sulked. He refused to play in any practices or games, as did his best friend Patroclus. Nothing any of his teammates said could get him off of the bench. This left Ajax as the quarterback, who possessed far less talent than Achilles. The Achaeans’ scores began to suffer, though they still won their games - barely.

Finally the big game arrived. Trojans and Achaeans faced off against each other for first place. Menelaus was essentially useless during the game, as he spent most of the time glowering at Paris, who proudly paraded around in a horse costume. Helen had joined the Trojan cheerleaders and rooted loudly for the team, seemingly oblivious to the longing stares of Menelaus.

With Ajax leading the Achaeans did poorly. Hector led the Trojans through a number of successful plays, scoring several touchdowns. By half-time the Achaeans were in bad shape. Odysseus, who had made the team due to a gift at coming up with plays, despite his geekyness, approached Agamemnon. He urged him to give Achilles back Briseis and bring him back into the game. Agamemnon refused at first but relented when other players agreed with Odysseus. Approaching Achilles, who still sat sulking, he offered him a deal - he would allow him to date Briseis again if Achilles would win the game. Despite the prompting of his teammates, Achilles refused.

Patroclus, however, was moved - not by Agamemnon’s speech, but by the plight of his teammates. He was put back into the game, replacing Ajax as quarterback. During the second half of the game he blocked the plays of the Achaeans and helped even the score, leading his team to a few touchdowns and penalty kicks. With just a few minutes left on the clock he started a new play. It led to a successful touchdown, tying the Trojans and the Achaeans, but during the course of the play Patroclus was tackled by Hector. The injury was ruled accidental by the judges and no penalty was called, but Patroclus was taken to the hospital with a severe concussion.

With the game tied, overtime was called. Enraged by the damage Hector had caused to Patroclus, Achilles agreed to finally enter the game. He made some pretty risky calls on the field, but he was something to watch, let me tell you. You’ve seen Star Wars, right? It was like watching Yoda plow through an army of clones. Nothing could stand in his way.

The Achaeans were ahead on the score as the Trojans made their final play. Hector called it and everyone started running, but Achilles headed straight for him. Thinking he had a shot, Hector threw the football - only to have Achilles jump up and slam it to the ground, landing on Hector. They began to scuffle, oblivious to the whistles of the judges. Their teammates finally managed to pull them apart. With no time left on the clock, the Achaeans were judged the winners.

Hector went to the hospital with a broken nose, but Achilles wasn’t done humiliating him yet. Knowing that Odysseus filmed every game, he asked for the help of his teammates. Before the night was over, a video of Hector’s humiliation at the hands of Achilles had gone viral. Its views increased every day, until Hector’s father came to Achilles and begged him to pull the video down. He appealed to Achilles, asking him what it would be like to have his family and friends see him defeated, to hear everyone laughing at it while their boy was in the hospital. Reminded of his own father, Achilles finally relented and deleted the video.

This isn’t the end of the story, but it tells the point I wanted to make - don’t piss off Achilles. Seriously. He’ll never let it go, but you’ll wish he had.

And with that, I’m signing off. Until next time, peeps!

H out.

Related blog posts you might find interesting:

Odysseus Missing: Took the wrong bus home?

Eris interrupts Beauty Pageant with disastrous results

In my Intro I talked a little bit about Athena. Athena is the Greek goddess of war, but specifically of intelligent, cunning warfare. She is also the goddess of weaving (which fits with war...somehow?) 

Throughout the Greek myths, Athena is shown to favor and aid heroes who are especially clever.
Nowhere is this more evident than in the books by Homer - a little in the Iliad, but mostly in the Odyssey.

The Odyssey is the tale of a character named Odysseus, and of his journey home after the Trojan War. The war itself lasted for ten years, and Odysseus’ journey home takes another decade - mostly because he accidentally incurred the wrath of Poseidon, the god of the seas. (Not a good thing to do if you’re planning a sea voyage home!)

The Odyssey focuses on Odysseus’ journey home (one could even call it his...odyssey...home!) , but it also tells the story of his son, Telemachus. Telemachus was just a boy when Odysseus left for the war, and has grown into a young man without his father to guide him. The Odyssey also shows the gods watching the hero and his family from their home on Mount Olympus, occasionally helping them (Athena) or hindering Odysseus’ efforts (Poseidon).

However, what makes the Odyssey so interesting to me is the other character that it focuses on. This character is Odysseus’ wife, Penelope. We’ll talk more about her in a minute.

Why does Athena have such an interest in Odysseus and his family? The answer can be found in Homer’s works. Most passages that refer to Odysseus denote him as “clever” or “cunning”. Odysseus is a sneaky warrior. In gamer’s terms, he’s a rogue. He is intelligent and strategic - things that put him under the care of Athena.

However, Odysseus is not alone in his cleverness. His wife Penelope is also quite cunning.

In the Odyssey, Odysseus has been missing for twenty years. Almost everyone assumes that he is dead. Because of this, suitors flock to his home and begin to try and woo Penelope’s hand in marriage - because marrying her would grant them Odysseus’ wealth and power.

Penelope hasn’t given up hope that her husband is alive. To stall the suitors and buy Odysseus time to return to her, Penelope devises a plan. Every day she weaves part of a funeral shroud for her father-in-law. Every night, she pulls out all of her weaving. She keeps this up for years before the suitors catch on.

Penelope is obviously quite a sneaky woman. If that wasn’t enough to make Athena like her, Penelope’s cleverness revolves around weaving - another thing that Athena presides over. Perhaps it is due to this that the goddess aids Odysseus and his family.

In the end, Odysseus returns home. He and his son slaughter the suitors (don’t worry, they totally deserved it), and Penelope is reunited with her husband. Their cleverness (and the help of a certain goddess) has won the day.

I hope you enjoyed this post! Most of the time, Penelope’s intelligence is glossed over in favor of her husband’s, so I felt she deserved a post that discussed how she aided Odysseus. If the post interested you, or if you disagree with anything I’ve said, please email me or comment below. If you have time, I highly recommend reading the Odyssey - it’s a very interesting and entertaining story!

Next post we’ll conclude this set of Greek posts by talking about Fate and the way the ancient Greeks thought of it. I’ll see you guys then!

If you’ve seen the Star Wars trilogies, you know that Luke Skywalker started out pretty whiny. His predecessor, Anakin Skywalker, was even worse. His entire trip to the Dark side was because he’s an emo, self-centered brat.

I’m convinced that Achilles is the ancestor of Anakin.

The demigod Achilles is the main character of the Iliad, a tale about the war of Troy that was written by Homer. The entire book is all about the wrath of Achilles, and the consequences of said wrath.

But why is Achilles wrathful, one might ask?

Well, “wrath” is a bit of a strong word. “Upset”, “sulky”, and “throwing a temper tantrum” could all be used in its stead. The source of this emotion, whatever you want to call it, is as follows:

In the ancient Greek culture, it was a common practice for warriors to take prizes after a successful battle. Women were considered to be prizes. Achilles had taken a lovely girl named Briseis as his prize after a victory in battle.

The leader of the Greek army, Agamemnon, had also taken a woman as a trophy. Unfortunately, this girl’s father was a priest who called down the wrath of Apollo upon the Greek army. Agamemnon returned the girl to her father to stop the god’s wrath, leaving him without a prize.

The ancient Greeks had a concept called “arete”. It’s difficult to translate, but it was basically a sense of how skilled a person was. Your arete was demonstrated by your prowess in battle, which was shown by what trophies you had.

To make up for having lost his trophy - and therefore some of his arete - Agamemnon took Briseis from Achilles. This damaged Achilles’ arete, making him less of a warrior in the eyes of the other Greeks.

Because of this, Achilles goes off to sulk. Then, the great hero of the Greek army quite literally calls upon his mother, Thetis, a minor goddess of the sea. Achilles then begins to whine and complain to her.

(They somehow forgot to put that part in the movie Troy. I wonder why...)

Achilles then asks Thetis to go to Zeus and beg him to let the Trojans win in battle against the Greeks - that way Achilles can swoop in and save the day.

This really irritates me, because Achilles is basically asking the gods to let the men he fights alongside die - all so that he can have more glory later.

Unfortunately for the Greek army, the gods grant his request. As the Greeks begin to lose more and more battles, Agamemnon realizes that they need Achilles. He gives Briseis back to Achilles, but the hero still refuses to return to the battle. It is not until his best friend, Patroclus, is slain that Achilles re-enters the battle, destroying the Trojan hero Hector. Patroclus’ death was a result of Achilles plea to Zeus, but the demigod shows no remorse for his actions.

The Iliad ends with the funeral of Hector, and with Achilles getting his way. It does not contain the subsequent fall of Troy, nor the death of Achilles.

Is anyone else annoyed by this? I mean, come on. Achilles throws a hissy fit and good men die because of it, but they still give him what he wants. The story ends with him happy, victorious, and basking in his glory.

Seriously?! This guy was considered a hero?

I’ll end my rant against Achilles here (I reaaaaally hate the guy). You guys have any thoughts on the Iliad or Achilles? Do you like the demigod? If so, please post below or email me! I’d love to hear your defense of his actions, and see if you can convince me that he’s not actually Darth Achilles.

Next time we’ll be talking about the interesting trio of Athena, Penelope, and Odysseus, and what they all have in common. Good news! Odysseus is a hero of the Trojan War that I actually like!

I’ll see you then!