I got to thinking about differentiating between playful aggression and violence in children’s play while walking my husky/lab mix pup, GeeGee, this morning. Three boys, probably 8-10 years old, were playing a game I fondly remember from 45 years ago when I was the same age. As far as games go, it’s pretty simple. You take turns slapping each other in the face. Hard. The goal is to absorb the pain and try to whack your buddy harder.

The slapping game, roughhousing, chasing, and the like can upset observers who don’t understand the difference between playful aggression and violence. While such activities are often dismissed as disruptive, inappropriate, or ‘problematic,’ they are developmentally significant. The key to understanding these behaviors lies in differentiating between playful aggression and violence—two very different dynamics that are often conflated. This post will distinguish between the two in the hope of helping more early learning professionals support playfully aggressive activities.

What is Playful Aggression?

Playful aggression is a natural and healthy form of power play. It includes activities like wrestling, mock fights, or games with physical challenges, like my beloved slapping game. This type of play is typically:

• Consensual–All participants agree to the activity and enjoy it
• Rule-Based–There are often unspoken or explicit rules about what’s acceptable
• Signal-Driven–Kids display cues like play face (a relaxed, open, and inviting expression) and laughter, which indicate that the aggression is meant to be fun
• Mutual–There is an intrinsic give-and-take, with children taking turns and seeking equity that keeps the play balanced or fair

How Playful Aggression And Violence Differ

Violence, in contrast, involves intentional harm and disregards consent or boundaries. Here are some key distinctions:

The Differences Between Playful Aggression And Violence

Playful Aggression	Violence
Mutual and consensual	One-sided or non-consensual
Rule-based and cooperative	Disregards rules and boundaries
Signals fun and enjoyment	Signals distress or anger
Strengthens social bonds	Harms relationships and trust

You’ll find a free PDF handout expanding on the above chart here.

Why Playful Aggression Matters

Playful aggression serves several developmental purposes. Games involving physicality often create trust and camaraderie. For instance, the slapping game I played in the late ’70s (along with many other physically engaging play) deepened our friendships and mutual trust through our school years and beyond. Engaging in physical, high-energy play also helps kids develop emotional and physical skills and resilience.

Check this link for a deeper dive into The Benefits Of Playful Aggression.

Misinterpretation In Early Learning Settings

In environments where the majority of adults are women (as is the case in early childhood education, where women make up 97% of the workforce), playful aggression is often misinterpreted as violent behavior. This is partly due to differing childhood experiences. Many women may not have participated in rough-and-tumble play growing up, making it harder to recognize the benefits of playful aggression.

Additionally, focusing on safety and calmness in early learning settings can lead to a zero-tolerance approach to physical play. While safety is essential, discouraging playful aggression altogether can:

• Alienate children (often boys) who naturally engage in physical play
• Miss opportunities to teach boundaries, consent, and self-regulation
• Imply that natural, age-appropriate behaviors are ”wrong’
• Hinder both physical development and sensory integration

The Gender Perspective

Boys are often more inclined to engage in physical, aggressive play than girls, though this is not universally true. Societal norms and expectations shape how boys and girls play, often discouraging girls from participating in rough-and-tumble activities. However, many girls enjoy and benefit from playful aggression when given the opportunity.

Recognizing and embracing these differences can create more inclusive play environments. Encouraging all children to explore their boundaries within safe, consensual play helps break down gender stereotypes and fosters broader skill development.

How Educators Can Support Playful Aggression

To create a balanced approach, educators and caregivers can:

• Recognize Playful Aggression–Look for signals like laughter, play face, and consensual engagement to distinguish playful interactions from violent ones
• Teach Consent–Help children understand and respect each other’s boundaries and understand that consent can be given and revoked at will
• Set Clear Rules—Support kids in creating rules for their aggressive play, such as ‘no hitting above the shoulders’ or ‘stop if someone says stop’
• Observe And Reflect–Rather than immediately intervening, watch how the play unfolds, watch for the differences between playful aggression and violence, and intervene when necessary

Wrap-Up

Playful aggression is a misunderstood but vital part of children’s social and emotional development. By understanding the distinctions between playful aggression and violence, educators and caregivers can create environments that embrace this form of play while ensuring safety.

Addendum: Playful aggression is not just for humans. After finishing this post, GeeGee and I headed to the beach, where she decided she wanted to play an interspecies version of the slapping game. In this game, she thunders at me from 10 yards away and leaps at my chest while I try to 1) absorb the blow, 2) step out of her path when she is in mid-leap, or 3) brush her aside with my arms or knee. We play until one of us (always me) huffs and puffs for breath, and the other (always her) is declared the champion.

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