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Pater Noster and the Mission of Light (2024)

If Timothy S. Leary and Kenneth Anger made Midsommar … well, who the hell knows what that would turn out to resemble. But I reckon Pater Noster and the Mission of Light, “an underground film by Christopher Bickel,” comes closest in cosmic proximity. Nothing else need apply. 

Alt-AF record store worker Max (first-timer Adara Starr) comes across a vinyl title so scarce, it’s worth a grand: “It’s this weird hippie psych record. This commune put it out in the early ’70s. Rare as shit.” Acting on a tip, she finds a thick stack of four of their five LPs at a thrift store; the missing album, with a rumored five-copy pressing, is supposedly cursed. 

One mysterious phone call later, Max and four friends accept an invitation to visit the commune, Wunderlawn. It’s run by spiritual leader and titular alchemist Pater Noster (Mike Amason, Bickel’s Bad Girls). He’s the kind of unkempt wack job whose followers get hallucinogenic powder blown onto their faces — and, um, into other places.

The trippiness that follows is so immersive, it feels as if some particles of that substance may have blown through the screen and up your sinuses. That not everybody will make it out alive is a foregone conclusion; that you’re ill-prepared for how that all happens is nearly as certain.

Don’t let the initial High Fidelity in-store shenanigans fool you, much as the montage of customers’ stupid questions may try, but this is one wild occult pic. Shot in South Carolina for the price of a used car, Mission of Light finds Bickel carrying over Bad Girls’ propulsive energy, but now it aims squarely to shock. Once that starts happening, his performers’ acting deficits shrink.

The situations Max and friends find themselves in are unsettling enough; add the discomforting soundtrack and we’re pushed, if not shoved, into “Should we even be watching this?” territory — not in the negative “this sucks” way, but with the unshakable feeling that Bickle tapped into Genuine Evil to fuel the frames. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Bloodthirsty Crazy Spider (2021)

When a new species of spider — your guess to its level of bloodthirstiness — is discovered in Chinese mountain caves, the news piques the interest of college student Qiumu (Zheng Zefei) who’s obsessed with exactly two things: spiders and boobs. He’s only seen one of those things, strictly judging from the Party City closeout web above Qiumu’s dorm room bed. 

Enlisting the help of a documentary filmmaker of the opposite sex (Zhangzhen), he quickly devises a mission: “Let’s go to find the spider.” (sic) They do go, and they do find. The latter is quite easy, on account of it being so large, the thing’s impervious to their swinging knapsacks. It’s also hairy, stabby-legged, big-bootied and, of course, computer-generated. 

As if an eight-legged freak of nature mutated by industrial toxic waste weren’t enough of an antagonist, the movie offers a human villain, too: Mr. Wang. Hey, someone needed to be the literal butt of the diarrhea jokes. Speaking of, as he’s grunting and grimacing on the toilet, the subtitles read, “Why is it so sticky?”

At minute 64, Bloodthirsty Crazy Spider calls it a day with a hard stop. No climax, no ending. Just a harsh rebuke that this is all your fault. You — yes, you — caused the massive creepy crawler by carelessly allowing your can of Juiced Monster Khaotic® to sink to the ocean floor, asshole. 

The creature feature makes good use of abandoned factories and poor use of everything else, particularly whatever program the Youku production company booted up to animate the arachnid. The software’s free trial period appears to have expired since said spider hardly looks fully rendered. When it skitters, viewers titter. —Rod Lott

The Legend of Hillbilly John (1972)

Hedges Capers sounds like two items on a country club Karen’s list of things to complain to the help about. In actuality, Hedges Capers is the obscure folksinger who somehow scored the lead role of the weirdo backwoods fantasy The Legend of Hillbilly John. There’s a reason you’ve never seen him onscreen before or since: He’s no actor. Yet out of many, many songs he sings here, the best is the one Capers doesn’t warble, with vocal duties outsourced to Hoyt Axton, whose throat kicks ass.  

In the Appalachian Mountains of North Carolina, Hillbilly John is a balladeer. That’s just a nice way of saying “guy who never stops playing his guitar, even in public.” After Grandpappy (Denver Pyle, TV’s The Dukes of Hazzard) is smote by the devil, John vows vengeance with the only weapon he has: vicious halitosis bluegrass tunes strummed-de-dummed on guitar strings made of pure silver. 

Who knew 100% silver was Satan’s green Kryptonite? Heck, who knew Satan resided in the Appalachians? (Insert Hillbilly Elegy joke here.) 

Originally (mis)titled Who Fears the Devil, the flick draws from a pair of Manly Wade Wellman short stories — and sure feels like it. From meeting a witch (Susan Strasberg, The Delta Force) to fighting a giant prehistoric bird (animated via stop-motion) whose feathers sizzle like acid, our hero and his hound dog saunter from one self-contained adventure to the next. The script by Melvin Levy (The Cry Baby Killer) neglects connective tissue, except for the common denominator of “goddamn mountain superstition” (as Murder at 1600’s Harris Yulin puts it). 

Too bad so little of Legend is fun. Getting acquainted with the movie’s world — one of “salt pork” and “tarnation” — teases viewers into thinking they’re in for a barn-buster, only to drag. Best known as host of TV’s One Step Beyond anthology, John Newland manages to pull off a couple of interesting touches from his director’s chair. One is questionable: tinting a voodoo sequence entirely in yellow. The other is inarguably terrific: having the film violently leap off its sprockets as the devil kills Grandpappy. The whole of Legend cries for such ingenuity, primarily when elongated spells of the film prompt snores. 

The final shot isn’t quite Planet of the Apes, but it’s something of a surprise — and more Billy Jack than Hillbilly John. If you watch this movie, you’re in for a unique experience; just remember that uniqueness does not guarantee success. If you’re allergic to banjos and/or action verbs with dropped Gs, take your Benadryl beforehand, lest ye break out in hives. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

The Damned (2024)

It’s a hazy shade of winter at the Icelandic fishing station of The Damned. With their meager shelter snowed under ’til spring, no one’s going anywhere, despite dwindling provisions.

But when widower Eva (Odessa Young, HBO’s The Staircase) spots a sinking ship in the distance, she convinces the men to row, row, row their boat toward the wreck. The rescue mission goes tits up, and misery follows them back to shore, haunting and taunting thereafter.

Without revealing details, the plot of this 19th-century story draws from a pair of John Carpenter ’80s classics: The Fog and The Thing. From the former, it takes the harrowing shape of a threat whose identity is obscured by weather; from the latter, burgeoning paranoia and distrust of those sharing a confined space. As one of the fishermen tells Eva, “The only thing I know is that the living are always more dangerous than the dead.” 

Just as the villagers of The Damned attempt to navigate through a storm to safety, only to be thwarted at each turn, the film itself forever stands on the precipice of getting somewhere. Long on atmosphere, this superstition-steeped slow-burner doesn’t build upon initial pressure so much as re-build it in the next sequence — and without surpassing the previously established mark. As a result, by the time it finally escalates toward a payoff, we’re no longer invested.

Like Robert Eggers’ Nosferatu, another horror period piece currently in theaters, Thordur Palsson’s first film is visually first-rate. The difference here is the devotion to craft doesn’t compensate for stretches of monotony. —Rod Lott

Opens Friday, Jan. 3.

The Shape of Water (2017)

When Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water came out to rave reviews in 2017, I was so completely transfixed with the simple language of lush storytelling and dramatic fantasy about a mute, lovelorn woman who impossibly falls in love with a semi-magical gill-man.
 
Sadly, most of my then-colleagues called it — and, frankly, still call it — “the fish-fucking movie.” From that moment on, I realized my tastes probably will differ from others’. But The Criterion Collection ’s new disc willfully transcends all the insults and barbs the film was given; The Shape of Water goes beyond monster-movie milieu, invigorating and reenergizing the creature feature for the new-ish millennium.
 
And, of course, it’s just a damn good movie.
 
With the sheer eroticism of the Creature from the Black Lagoon grasping at Julie Adams’ legs, The Shape of Water distills the essence with the voiceless Elisa (the lithe Sally Hawkins) in Cold War-era 1962. Trudging through life as a janitor in a secret government laboratory, she comes upon the lab’s new capture: a South American amphibian man (the emotive Doug Jones).

Trapped in the lab, the gill-man is put through tests and brutal exercises to determine his usefulness as a weapon, mostly administered by the sadistic Strickland (a wholly affecting performance from Michael Shannon). During this horrific tribulation, Elisa falls in love with the Gill-man — it’s a fish out of water story, literally.
 
With help from her working-class friends, Elisa breaks him out and tries to hide him until the tide comes in. As their passion intensifies, the gill-man gets sicker without the ocean to revive him, only to learn their love is more than natural and, in the end, supernatural.
 
Without a doubt, this movie took del Toro from the horror-film loving character behind Hellboy and Pacific Rim, as well as the Mexican-lensed The Devil’s Backbone and Pan’s Labyrinth, into the realm of fantastic world cinema. The success of The Shape of Water led to four Oscars, including Best Director and Best Picture Oscars. For once, I was right!
 
The film captures not only the weighty, yet weightless feeling of dangerously falling in love, but how to deal with the mindless automatons who automatically try to dissuade you. From the homophobic clerk at lunch to the buttoned-down brownshirt who craves cruelty, the problem is them, not you.
 
As The Shape of Water literally and metaphorically challenges conventions, it creates a beautiful world where love always wins out — even in the deep dark sea. At least that’s what I believe. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

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