Hogan's Heroes

Master Sergeant Hans Schultz: [Seeing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform] What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went too far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.

Colonel Robert E. Hogan: It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.

Schultz: Aahhh.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: After he steals the tank.

Schultz: Ohh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan: From the panzer division.

Schultz: Oohhh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan: And brings it here into the barracks.

Schultz: Oh, I see nothing! I was not here! I did not even get up this morning!

[Schultz hurries to the door and leaves.]

Schultz: Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.

Schultz: I know how to count.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.

[General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]

Colonel Wilhelm Klink: What an honor to have you here —

General Hofstader: Where is my tank, Klink?

Colonel Klink: Hasn't it come back yet?

General Hofstader: No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!

Colonel Klink: Please, General — it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners—

General Hofstader: [sarcastically] The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank, Klink! Not a toy dump truck!

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?

Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Col. Klink: Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.

Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman…

[Klink gets up.]

Col. Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.

Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp!

Klink: You said "aimed at England," yeah?

Hogan: Mm-hmm

Klink: For your information, half of the airfield of Hamburg is missing, destroyed! I must see Major Hauser at once. Maybe he has a better lie than yours. [grabs his hat and storms out of the room]

Hogan: Another day, another rocket.

Schultz: So, England, they made a big hole in Hamburg. [clicks tongue] Naughty naughty.

Hogan: What could I do, Schultz? My aim is terrible when I'm in a hurry. [feeds him a grape]

Klink: I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.

Hogan: Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.

[After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]

Klink: Schultz! Where is that radio?

Schultz: They didn't tell me!

Klink: Find it at once!

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink: [as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?

Hogan: From the accent, I'd say England.

[Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]

Schultz: Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

Schmidt: What is it you want?

Hogan: Cleveland.

Schmidt: Cleveland?

Hogan: I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

Hogan: If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?

Hogan: We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.

Newkirk: What do you mean by that?

Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Klink: Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!

Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.

Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.

Klink: I know.

Schultz: [reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"

Hogan: [walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!

Klink: Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]

Hogan: [to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!

[sometime later, Hogan walks back over with Klink to the ammunitions building; Klink is horrified]

Klink: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.

Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.

Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?

Carter: Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".

[Hogan is kissing Helga.]

Helga: Mmm, you smell good.

Hogan: The boys whipped up a little aftershave.

[Kisses her again.]

Helga: It's very exciting.

Hogan: It's called "unconditional surrender".

Hogan: Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?

Newkirk: Righto, guv'nor, you got it.

Hogan: Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'

Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?

Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.

Burkhalter: Now let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.

Klink: I will have him brought here and we will start strenuous interrogation at once.

Burkhalter: Klink, you are not only irresistible, but you are also very subtle.

Klink: Thank you, sir!

Burkhalter: Like a broken leg.

Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?

Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

Schultz: (In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.

Schultz: You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)

Carter: Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.

Schultz: Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.

Carter: Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.

Schultz: All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.

Hogan: Colonel, you worry too much.

Klink: I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.

Hogan: Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?

LeBeau: Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

Klink: Yes, Herr General, I heard the news. A most regrettable business, 20 men escaping from Stalag 9. The Kommandant, Colonel Schmeckler, is a personal friend of mine. I must telephone him immediately to express my deepest sympathy. Yes... What? (Frowns) Oh, yes, long distance to Russia is very expensive.

Klink: You know, it is most gratifying to have the confidence of one's superior officer.

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink: Too bad that's not the case with you, Schultz.

Schultz: I'm only a humble Sergeant, Herr Kommandant.

Klink: Yes... An accident of war.

Klink: Schultz, did you hear that? There's a war on, and yet (Hogan) calls (Stalag 13) a "home".

Schultz: I think he's stir crazy.

Klink: Silence! You will speak only when you're spoken to.

Schultz: You spoke to me, Herr Kommandant.

Klink: Next time, don't answer.

(2 prisoners get "caught" trying to "escape" by "hiding" in a water truck. They then go to the barracks, and are standing by the door when Klink barges in.)

Klink: So you wouldn't take my advice, eh, Hogan? Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?

Hogan: If you'd stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.

Klink: Oh, you fools! Here's my reward: 30 days in the cooler! Take them away!

Hogan: 30 days is a cruel, inhuman, unjustified punishment to be inflicted only by a sadist!

Klink: Flattery will get you nothing, my dear Colonel.

Lebeau: What happens in your army if you shoot a Colonel?... In my army, we get the Croix de Guerre.

Klink: Does the name Michaels ring a bell with you?

Hogan: Michaels? Michaels. Yes, yes, it does, yes it does.

Klink: It does?

Hogan: Yeah. I knew this English girl, Diane Michaels. A beauty. Peach and cream complexion.

Klink: That is not the Michaels I had in mind. This one has a mustache.

Hogan: Oh, we're talking about two different girls.

Schultz: May I ask you something? Why are we building a boat? What are you up to?

Hogan: You really want to know, Schultz? Well-

Schultz: Please don't tell me. How about Captain Michaels? How are you going to get him out of the camp?

Hogan: (inhales to speak)

Schultz: Please don't tell me. Why am I asking you? Schultz, where is your sense of loyalty? Helping the enemies? Schultz, Schultz! What is happening to you?

Hogan: Ah, c'mon, Schultz. If you're gonna psychoanalyze yourself, go find a couch. We're busy here.

Schultz: How about the Kommandant?

Hogan: (now talking about the officers' club) He gave me his word he wouldn't peek. Wants it to be a surprise.

Schultz: Oh, BOY, is he going to be surprised.

Hogan: I said "volunteer", I can't order you to go on a mission like this. Now who's going to step forward and take this job thank you Lebeau.

Lebeau: I didn't move a muscle!

Hogan: You have that volunteer look.

Lebeau: That's how I got married: volunteered same way.

Hogan: If only we could knock (the guns) out.

Carter: Hey! Maybe hand grenades could do some damage!

Newkirk: They're 15 miles from here, at least.

Kinchloe: Well, I'll warm up my pitching arm....

Hogan: If only we could... Lebeau.

Lebeau: Did I volunteer for something again?

Hogan: What are the forgery boys working on?

Kinchloe: Raffle tickets. We've been selling them to the Krauts.

Hogan: Raffle tickets?

Newkirk: They're for an all-expenses-paid trip to New Orleans in time for Mardi Gras. It's for after the war.

Hogan: You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?

Klink: Yes, I'm familiar with it.

Hogan: This ain't it.

Hogan:: LeBeau, how are you on pizza?

LeBeau:: Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?

Hogan:: We swear not to tell anybody.

LeBeau: Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.

Hogan: We all have to make sacrifices.

Klink: Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.

Hogan: Don't remind me, remind them.

Klink: Major Bonuccelli of the Italian Army.

Hogan: Always nice to meet one of our allies.

Klink: He's OUR ally.

Hogan: I keep forgetting.

Hogan: And you know how tough the Germans are. Just look at the way Hitler treats Mussolini.

Hogan: I think we can get to Bonuccelli.

Lebeau: How are you going to do that?

Hogan: Work on his weaknesses.

Newkirk: Italians are very sentimental.

Carter: And they love music.

Kinchloe: Anybody know the words to Santa Lucia?

British Submarine Commander: You want to get through to Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark?

Hogan: That's right.

Sub Comm.: May I ask what for?

Hogan: We'd like to make reservations for tonight. There'll be 103 at 7:00.

Sub Comm.: Would you like us to send you a couple of bottles of red wine?

Hogan: No, we already took care of that.

British Submarine Commander: We want to get through to Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark.

London: Is that really you, Mama Bear?

Sub Commander: Yes, it's really me. Now get us through to the pizzeria.

London: Look here, Mama Bear, you'll just have to eat the same rations as the rest of us.

Sub Comm.: We don't want the pizzas. We just want the recipes.

London: I think you've been underwater too long. I suggest you surface.

Sub Comm: The recipe is not for us, it's for Goldilocks.

London: Oh. I should have known.

Garlotti: Garlotti's Pizzeria. Garlotti speaking. London calling?

London: Yes, this is Captain Henderson, Supreme Allied Headquarters. No, Mr. Garlotti, your son is fine. Yes, he's still in the prison camp, but he's in good health and good spirits.

Garlotti: Good, thank you. Thank you very much. What? You want my recipe for pizza?

Bonuccelli: The pizza smells like the kind Mama used to make.

Hogan: One of the biggest regrets of my life was not being shot down over Italy.

Newkirk: I'll bet even the Germans eat a lot of pizza in Capezio, blimey?

Boniccelli: Yes, they do! ... Yes, they do.

Hogan: Off-hand, how many pizzas do the Germans eat, figuring 2 pizzas a German?

Boniccelli: That's a secret... 2 pizzas, one German? 106,000.

Hogan: 106,000? (Thinks)

Boniccelli: Just divide by 2.

Newkirk: It's a vintage wine. Aged almost 2 weeks.

Boniccelli: I could be shot for being a spy.

Newkirk: You're not really a spy, you'd be in uniform.

Boniccelli: In uniform, they'd shoot me for being a traitor. Please, not while I'm eating.

Hogan: Just think what you'd be doing for your country. It could help shorten the war in Italy.

Boniccelli: It could also shorten my life.

Hogan: I'll make you a big hero in Germany.

Boniccelli: I'd rather be a little coward in Switzerland.

Klink: Well, Corporal Langenscheidt?

Cpl. Langenscheidt: We could not find a trace of the prisoners.

Klink: And you call yourself a German Shepherd.

Dog: (Barks)

Cpl. Langenscheidt: He's doing the best he can.

Klink: He couldn't find a can of dog food.

Dog: (Snarls)

Klink: Put him on report!

(When Hogan tells Mrs Linkmeyer that Klink will marry her} Klink: Hogan, I'm going to have you shot and no court martial in the world will convict me.

Schultz:: Carter, please. You could put me into lots of trouble. They might send me to the Eastern Front.

Carter: Gee, I wouldn't want that to happen.

Schultz: That's not the worst of it. They might give me 10 days leave!

Carter: What's wrong with that, for pete's sake?

Schultz: I would have to spend it with my wife.

[The men are about to get Schultz to parachute out of an airborne German bomber.]

Schultz:: Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute-jump!

Hogan:: Never too old, Schultz. Come on.

Schultz:: Colonel Hogan! I'm too big to parachute-jump!

Hogan:: Now there you have a point.

Hogan: Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!

Klink: You're right, Hogan; I blew it.

Hogan: Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!

Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general!

Hogan: How many have been killed in action?

Klink: Quite a few.

Hogan: How many have been shot by the Führer?

Klink: Quite a few more.

[Carter and Newkirk, disguised as POW camp commandants Bussie and Burmeister, have broken into General Burkhalter's quarters and are threatening to shoot him. General Burkhalter, terrified, is trying to stall them.]

Burkhalter: This is all so unnecessary! I was thinking of retiring! I was just saying to Hilda, that who would succeed me, but one of you two? My dearest friends!

Newkirk: What of Klink?

Burkhalter: Forget him! He's to be shot! I never could stand the man!

Klink: [Outside] Burmeister! Bussie! You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

Burkhalter: What a wonderful friend!

Hogan: That's two shots; they killed themselves. Come on.

Schultz: Colonel Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?

LeBeau: I say we do it to him before he does it to us.

Newkirk: Right. Knock him off.

Hogan: Hey, you can't just go around knocking off German officers; the ones that're left start asking embarrassing questions.

Klink: Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command. Understood?

Schultz: Understood.

Klink: I don't want any special favors, any special treatment, any-

Schultz: You are a private?

Klink: Yes, I am.

Schultz: Shut up!

Klink: How dare you tell me-

Schultz: Achtung! Eyes front! Put the helmet straight! Chest out, stomach in! Answer only when you're spoken to!

Klink: Jawohl!

Schultz: Jawohl, what?

Klink: Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!

Schultz: That's better! About face! Fall in with the rest of them, you dummkopf! [Klink falls in with the other guards; Schultz turns to Hogan blissfully] Oh, it feels so good!

SS-Major Hagel: There's a barn on this road, two kilometers beyond the town. Be there two nights from tonight with the diamonds.

Hogan: And if we fail?

SS-Major Hagel: I will come to Stalag 13 and shoot you and your men.

Hogan: How would you justify that?

SS-Major Hagel: Oh, I'll think of something at the last minute.

Hogan: Hagel, you're a real fun person.

SS-Major Hagel: Whether you live or die is entirely up to you.

Hogan: And Colonel Klink. We're still his prisoners. You'll have to shoot him, too, and take over the camp.

SS-Major Hagel: That'll take at least another ten minutes.

Kinchloe: Colonel Hogan, in response from London concerning your request for $1 million dollars worth of diamonds: Quote: "Are you nuts?" Unquote.

Klink: Repoooort!

Schultz: Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink: Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk: Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau: Good move!

Carter: Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Prisoner: Who told you?

Carter: I just heard it!

[The prisoners all cheer and applaud.]

Klink: Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan: I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink: Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan: You did.

Klink: When?

Hogan: Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink: Only to deny it!

Hogan: Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink: Silence!

Hogan: Okay, men, the surrender's off!

[The prisoners boo.]

Klink: Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk: Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!

General Stauffen: Hogan, you saved my life, and our cause. How can I thank you?

Hogan: When you see Hitler, make sure your meeting goes over with a bang.

Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front; today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?

[Hogan looks down at his watch]

Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.

[In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering]

Colonel Klink: What was that?!

Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.

[In the distance there is a second explosion]

Colonel Hogan: Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."

Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?

Colonel Hogan: It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.

Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?

Colonel Hogan: No, sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.

Schultz: There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.

Hogan: I can hardly wait.

Schultz: The orders are to clean up the barracks-

[The prisoners join in sarcastically]

Schultz, Newkirk, LeBeau, Carter, Kinchloe: -Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!

Col. Franz: General, what is it?

General Kammler: Are my eyes deceiving me? No, it couldn't be- [Turns to Klink] That sergeant standing over there-?

Col. Klink: You mean Schultz?

General Kammler: It is! Hans!

Schultz: Can it be? Ach, du lieber! Lieutenant Kammler!

General Kammler: How good to see you!

Schultz: Oh, Lieutenant! Ah, you are a General!

General Kammler: Yes, yes, and you are a sergeant- well, Germany makes lots of mistakes.

Schultz: No mistake. You were always a very bright boy!

General Kammler: We fought together in the first war. At the Ardennes, and at Ypres. I was just a young lieutenant; I didn't know anything at all. Schultz saved my life.

Col. Franz: Charming!

Col. Klink: Yes, yes. Charming.

General Kammler: And here we are, Hans, two German soldiers fighting another war!

Schultz: Keeps us out of trouble!

Hogan: All right, look. Orders from London are to hide you until the Krauts stop looking for you. Then we'll smuggle you to England.

Sparrow: Four men. Is it possible?

Hogan: No, but we'll do it anyway. First thing is to get you into Stalag 13.

Sparrow: You hide us in a prisoner of war camp?

Hogan: We're the only motel for miles around.

Klink: Ha! How did you know it was a new code book?

Hogan: You wouldn't be so upset if it was an old code book. Now, be honest; would you?

Klink: No, I suppose not.

[During an Allied bombing raid]

Woman: Liebchen, when you kiss me, the ground shakes.

Newkirk: Either you've got it or you haven't.

Schultz: I know nothing! Sometimes I even forget who we are fighting.

Klink: I don't care what you do with it just get building 12 ready for these officers!

Schultz: Jawohl Herr Kommandant! [Opens office door.] Beer is not important?

Hogan: Any questions? [Nearly every POW in the room raises his hand.] Glad it's all clear.

[SS-Colonel Backscheider of the Gestapo and two agents, SS-Captain Müller and SS-Corporal Sonntag, kick in the door of Hogan's hotel room]

Backscheider: You will consider yourself under arrest.

Hogan: Champagne?

Backscheider: I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.

Hogan: That sounds fair.

Backscheider: I am not concerned with being fair. Müller, Sonntag.

[Backscheider's men begin to search the hotel room]

Hogan: Are you sure you won't have some champagne?

Backscheider: Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.

Hogan: Really?

Backscheider: The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.

Hogan: Poor devils.

Backscheider: I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!

Hogan: You were very prompt. My congratulations.

Backscheider: [Frowns, puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?

[Hogan has convinced Backscheider he is actually Sgt. Frank Derkin, an escaped POW-turned-black market dealer; they are talking in Backscheider's office]

Hogan: Look... I was able to get a good deal on some caviar. I could arrange to cut you in if you could help transport it to Paris.

Backscheider: Every inch of carloading is needed for the German war effort!

Hogan: You were in for fifty percent.

Backscheider: [Surprised] I will see what I can do.

[Backscheider, distrustful of 'Derkin', has bugged the hotel room phone]

Hogan: Derkin here.

Newkirk: [As Himmler] My dear Derkin! This is Heinrich Himmler, how are you?

[In another room, the Gestapo men stiffen in fear; as Reichsführer-SS Himmler was one of the most feared men in Nazi Germany]

Hogan: Oh, fine, just fine. You enjoyed the caviar? Oh, I'm glad. Hey, I was able to get a special deal for you- about three tons. Ah, we can talk about that when you get here.

Newkirk: Yes... I will be arriving tomorrow morning, about 10. By fighter plane. Don't trust my pilot. Ja, there has been too many 'accidents' on our transports.

Hogan: Inhuman! I'll meet you at the airport, about 10. Oh, and, uh, about Colonel Backscheider...

Newkirk: What about him?

Hogan: Oh, I put my foot in it. I mentioned you were coming to Paris, but I didn't tell him when.

Newkirk: Tell him nothing! If he has one single ounce of brains- which I doubt- he will find out that I'm coming in. Und be at the airport with his entire staff lined up in review. And if not- eh! One more bungler down the well.

Hogan: Oh, I'm really sure he'll be there. I'll meet you at the airport tomorrow. Oh, and thanks for the call, Heinrich.

[In another room, Backscheider puts down the listening device's headphones]

Backscheider: He called him Heinrich!

[At Gestapo headquarters, Antonovitch, a White Russian acting as Himmler, is touring the cells; on Backscheider's orders, Müller is trying to stall for time]

Müller: Herr Reichsführer, if we only wait until Colonel Backscheider gets back...

Antonovitch: He is on the way?

Müller: Oh, yes, sir!

Antonovitch: Well, hurry!

[As the group passes by Klink's cell, Klink addresses Müller and spots Hogan, who quickly moves out of sight]

Col. Klink: Oh, Captain Müller, excuse me... Colonel Hogan? I thought I saw Colonel Hogan.

[Antonovitch is now standing directly in front of Klink's cell]

Antonovitch: Do I look like a 'Colonel Hogan'?

Col. Klink: Oh, no, sir! Not at all! It's just that since I've been to Paris, I seem to only see and hear... [Laughs nervously, then looks to Müller] This wouldn't be Reichsführer Himmler! [Looks back to 'Himmler', suddenly very nervous] Would it?

Antonovitch: Who is this man?

Müller: Ex-Commandant Klink, your excellency, from Stalag 13. Suspected of complicity in the Tiger matter.

Col. Klink: Your excellency, I am completely innocent! All I've done- with the exception of some harmless delusions- all I've done is come to Paris on my seven-day leave and never had such misery, sir. Never.

Antonovitch: When is your leave up?

Col. Klink: Tomorrow, sir!

Antonovitch: [To Müller] Let him out.

Col. Klink: Oh, thank you, sir! Your reputation for generosity and fairness-

Müller: Let him out?!

Antonovitch: Tomorrow.

[General Burkhalter arrives at Stalag 13 as Carter is impersonating Adolf Hitler.]

Klink: Ah, General Burkhalter, you're just in time! The Fuehrer has just made a surprise visit to Stalag 13!

General Burkhalter: The Fuehrer, here?

Klink: And in an excellent mood!

General Burkhalter: I must greet him at once!

[Burkhalter eagerly goes to greet "Hitler" but halts as he notices what he is saying.]

Carter: I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!

Hogan: Really?

Carter: Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!

General Burkhalter: On second thought, perhaps I will see the Fuehrer some other time.

Carter: [as Hitler] Everything I do is a surprise, even to me!

Schultz: LeBeau! Wake up, LeBeau!

LeBeau: I'm sleeping. Come back in an hour.

Schultz: An hour?! Are you crazy? You're an escaped prisoner, let's go!

General von Lintzer: I think it only fair to tell you that I employ somewhat different tactics than Lieutenant Klink!

Klink: Colonel Klink.

General von Lintzer: Don't bet on it!

General von Lintzer: Colonel Hogan, I must congratulate you on your honesty. The reconnaissance flight verified the new factory near Leadingham.

Hogan: You sure know how to rub it in, General.

General von Lintzer: And tonight, the new factory will be reduced to rubble. I personally will lead the bombing mission.

Klink: And of course everyone knows that the General is one of our finest pilots! By the way, General, when you go to Berlin, you'll mention my name? Say a few words here and there.

General von Lintzer: Words? I believe I will put in a few words. "Negligence, inefficiency, irresponsibility, stupidity". As soon as I get back from the raid, I will take care of you.

[Von Lintzer gets in his staff car and leaves.]

Hogan: Hm. I heard that in school, von Lintzer was your dearest friend.

Klink: Ja, ja. Ja.

Hogan: You would've been better off with an enemy.

Major Kohler: Sir. May I ask...

General Burkhalter: Yes.

Major Kohler: Do you actually suspect Klink of disloyalty?

General Burkhalter: Disloyalty? No. Stupidity, yes.

Colonel Klink: Those staff officers, they are so clever.

General Burkhalter: Klink! I am a staff officer!

Colonel Klink: I didn't mean you, sir; you're not clever. [Burkhalter glares at him.] You're clever, sir! You're clever!

General Burkhalter: Shut up, Klink.

Hogan: Be careful if you run into any patrols. He speaks German like a native, which he is.

RAF Captain: I believe I have a solution. [Puts his pistol to Schmidt's head.]

Hogan: Good show, old boy.

Hogan: Carter, will you watch it?

Carter: Sorry, I'm not too good with ears.

Hogan: If you don't mind, I've gotten used to having one on each side of my head!

Colonel Klink: Oh, what an unexpected pleasure, Herr General!

General Burkhalter: Actually, I had no intention of stopping here. But there was a bombing attack on the road that started me thinking-

Colonel Klink: Oh, what a brilliant idea! Now only a man of your experience could-

General Burkhalter: [Smiles] Klink? Shut up and let me finish.

Colonel Klink: Of course Herr General. Excuse me.

General Burkhalter: I suppose you are curious about that. [Gestures to the flat rectangular box his men brought in.]

Colonel Klink: Well, naturally, I-

General Burkhalter: It's a gift.

Colonel Klink: Thank you, Herr General! Thank you very much!

General Burkhalter: It's not for you.

Colonel Klink: Really? What a marvelous sense of humor.

General Burkhalter: I've just been to Paris on military business.

Colonel Klink: Of course, of course.

General Burkhalter: While I was there, I realized that Goering's birthday is only a few weeks away!

Colonel Klink: Oh, yes, sir, I know, I have the date right here in my calendar!

General Burkhalter: You would.

[Sergeant Schultz, pretending to be a general in the German Army, is covering for Hogan, LeBeau, Suzette and Verlaine while two Gestapo officers attempt to search the Paris apartment.]

Sergeant Schultz: How dare you come here, and disturb a general of the Third Reich.

1st Gestapo Man: Only doing our duty, sir. We had no idea that you were-

Schultz: Oh, you- you had no idea. You didn't know that a general might want to spend an afternoon with his, uh, with his, uh-

Suzette: Niece.

Schultz: Niece. Thank you, darling.

1st Gestapo Man: I assure you, General, we had no intention of intruding upon your privacy.

Schultz: No. You didn't! Should it ever happen again, I will report you to your superior officer, and then to his superior officer, and then even to his superior officer! I will report it all the way up, until it comes back to me! And if I ever... report it to myself... [Growls] Are you going to be in trouble.

[The two Gestapo men hurry for the door and leave.]

Suzette: They have gone!

Schultz: They did? Why did you let them go?!

General Burkhalter: Gentlemen, this is most embarrassing. In broad daylight-

Colonel Klink: I still think we should send a squad to look-

General Burkhalter: Shut up, Klink. Right in the middle of Germany.

German General: And not a trace of him!

Colonel Klink: Well, this never would've happened had I-

General Burkhalter: Klink! He could be anywhere by now.

Colonel Klink: Yes, Herr General. But, General, may I suggest-

General Burkhalter: Be careful you don't suggest yourself all the way to the Russian Front!

Field Marshal von Heinke: I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange! Those are my orders. Carry them out.

Colonel Klink: Such a loud signal! The English must have an excellent transmitter.

General Burkhalter: [Glares at Klink] We have an excellent receiver.

Hogan: That was Field Marshal von Heinke. May we have your reply immediately?

General Burkhalter: I guess we have no choice.

Colonel Klink: That voice. I have heard it somewhere before.

General Burkhalter: Certainly, dummkopf! That's von Heinke!

Colonel Klink: No, Herr General, the other voice. Hogan... that's Hogan! One of my prisoners, right here! [In the barracks, Carter hears Klink through a listening device and hands it to Hogan, who hurries over to the camp office.] Now, gentlemen, I am convinced something is wrong. General Burkhalter, with all due respect to you, I think this may be a false message.

General Burkhalter: A false message?

[Behind them, Hogan comes into the camp office and sits down.]

Colonel Klink: Now, it would take me just one minute to find- [Turns around and sees Hogan.] Hogan!

Hogan: Yes?

General Burkhalter: You thought he was on the radio?

Colonel Klink: What are you doing here?

Hogan: Sergeant Schultz told me one of our planes was missing.

Colonel Klink: General, I still think it is possible that the message on the radio was not the genuine article.

[Just then, Newkirk, doing an impression of Prime Minister Winston Churchill, begins speaking from the radio.]

Newkirk: Generals of the Third Reich, this is the Prime Minister speaking. We offer you this exchange in the full expectation for you to reply in an honourable manner. We in turn, will fulfill our part of the bargain. We await your immediate reply in order that we may speedily affect this arrangement to our mutual satisfaction.

General Burkhalter: Inform Communications... we accept. [looks at Klink] Unless, Klink, you thought that was Hogan, too?

Newkirk: So that's the setup, General. Maybe I shouldn't speak up like this, but, well, I just wanted you to know how we all feel about Colonel Hogan. And you can't put me in jail for it 'cause legally speakin' I'm in jail already.

Colonel Klink: Do you not find it strange that a captured enemy airplane can disappear, and then reappear?

Hogan: Well, it has been very windy, sir.

Klink: Now, Hogan, I want you to know that this will not go unpunished. Right, Schultz? [Schultz isn't paying attention] Right, Schultz?!

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Someone will be punished!

Klink: The one who is responsible, right, Schultz?

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is responsible!

Klink: The one who is to see to it that lights out are at the proper time. Right, Schultz?

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is to see to it... [Realizes] that lights out...

Klink: I'll take your three-day pass now.

Newkirk: Any reason for this particular bank, sir?

Hogan: Yeah. It's the only one in town.

[A group of Waffen-SS officers, led by SS-Colonel Deutsch, have arrived at Stalag 13.]

Kinchloe: What would they be doing here?

Hogan: Maybe they came to capture us again. Very thorough, the Germans.

SS-Colonel Deutsch: I never worry about prisoners. I never take any.

Klink: You don't?

SS-Colonel Deutsch: I like my enemy only one way: dead.

[Deutsch takes a stielhandgranate from one of his men.]

Klink: Colonel! What are you doing?!

[Ignoring Klink, Deutsch throws the grenade at the formation of prisoners, who all dive for cover except for Hogan, who doesn't move. He calmly picks up the grenade and walks up to Deutsch with it.]

Hogan: Oh, Colonel, you seem to have dropped something.

SS-Colonel Deutsch: My compliments, Colonel. Tell me, how did you know it was a blank?

Hogan: Easy. For a live grenade, you would've been the first to run. You see, both you and I know you're not a member of a super race.

SS-Colonel Deutsch: After our war games, I shall teach you respect for the SS!

Hogan: I doubt it.

Schultz: This place is finally getting to you.

Newkirk: Nea-ha-ha-ha! Whatever gave you that idea, Schultz?

Klink: Now, Hogan, who is this woman?!

Hogan: I have no idea.

Schultz: I don't know, either.

Klink: I didn't ask you!

Schultz: I thought you might like to know.

Klink: Silence!

Hogan: Carter, pull over in case that laboratory wants to pass us.

Carter: Oh, it's not gonna pass us. It's gonna go straight up. See, with that kinda structure, the-

Hogan: Carter, forget it, forget it. Keep driving.

General Burkhalter: Klink? Shut up and listen.

Klink: Yes, sir. Shut up and listen.

[Hogan is hiding a scientist who wants to defect to the Allies in Klink's office, having fooled Klink and his staff into believing it is Hitler, taking refuge from an assassination attempt. Major Hochstetter knows it's the doctor, but this only makes him look like an assassin to Klink]

Col. Klink: [Standing outside the closed office door] Your excellency, I had no idea! A promotion? To Berlin?!

Carter: [As Hitler] You still have no idea. Listen carefully. In my inner circle I can trust no one. Himmler will double-cross me like a shot, Goebbels' eyes are too close together, and Goering is too fat! Never trust a fat man, Klink!

Col. Klink: Indeed, your excellency! Never trust a fat man!

Carter: But I am getting tired of my burden. There is no gratitude. In a few weeks, I will appoint a successor. The one man in the whole miserable Third Reich who has proven worthy of my trust! YOU, Klink!

[Klink's knees buckle, and Hogan has to catch him from falling]

Col. Klink: Your excellency. I will try to be worthy of it! Heil Hitler!

[Major Hochstetter returns to Stalag 13, demanding that Klink surrender the man in hiding. For possibly the first time, Klink is entirely sure of himself]

Major Hochstetter: Well, now, Klink, are you ready to hand him over to me?

Colonel Klink: Major Hochstetter! A new order is coming, a new order! One which will sweep vermin like you into the delousing station of history!

[Hochstetter stares at him, too stunned and furious to speak]

Colonel Klink: You are under arrest. Schultz!

[Schultz stares at Klink, just as surprised as Hochstetter]

Major Hochstetter: You are mad, Klink!

Col. Klink: Take him away!

[Hochstetter storms off; Klink begins pacing the yard, strutting confidently]

Klink: Now, with all due respect to Captain Kurz, General, I am not in in need of an adjutant.

General Burkhalter: The Captain is a very able man.

Klink: Oh, I'm sure that he is, but that doesn't change my feelings!

General Burkhalter: And he's also my brother-in-law.

Klink: Oh, your brother in law. By marriage?

General Burkhalter: Yes, that's the usual way.

[Newkirk is going out through the perimeter fence wire at night; a machine gun team is waiting for him. They open fire, shooting the ground in front of him. Newkirk stands up and raises his hands.]

Newkirk: Kamerad! Kamerad!

Captain Kurz: You are under arrest!

Newkirk: Yes, sir! As you can see, my hands are in the basic "Kamerad" position!

[The alarm has been sounded, and Schultz is leading a guard detail outside the camp after Klink announces an Allied pilot has been shot down nearby.]

LeBeau: What do you think, Colonel?

Hogan: I think for a big man, Schultz moves pretty fast.

Major Hochstetter:(Said many times) Who is this man?!

General Burkhalter: This is Colonel Stieffer of the SS. He has a special assignment for you.

Klink: A pleasure, Colonel. A real pleasure. Whatever I can do for the SS will be a real privilege. And I am deeply moved by being chosen for this task! I know that this handshake will be the beginning of a long and lasting friendship!

SS-Colonel Stieffer: The SS has no friends.

Klink: Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that. After all, when you add what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts- who needs the expense of friendship, when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent?

General Burkhalter: Let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change.

Klink: Yes, sir. Schutltz! Not another word out of you until the Colonel is finished.

SS-Colonel Stieffer: We have a very special prisoner we're turning over to you. And we expect you to make sure he doesn't escape.

Klink: Sir, I can assure you, no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.

SS-Colonel Stieffer: So far he's escaped from nine of your camps since his capture.

Klink: Well, he won't be leaving here so easily!

General Burkhalter: If he does, you will be leaving yourself. Carrying snow shoes and a Russian road map!

Klink: Hogan, we all make mistakes. No one is perfect! [Hogan glances at a framed picture of Adolf Hitler on the wall.] Except him, of course.

Schultz: Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]

Col. Klink: [Shakes his head] Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner! And see to it that it stays that way!

Schultz: [Salutes Klink] Jawohl, mein Kommandant!

Col. Klink: And bring Carter back! Diiismissed!

[Klink goes back inside the camp office.]

Schultz: Colonel Hogan. What are we really going to do?

Hogan: Well, Schultz-

Schultz: Tell me nothing!

Col. Klink: Why did you keep calling from a beer hall?

Schultz: Because there was a phone?

Hogan: Carter, I don't know what I'd do without you. But sometimes I'd like to try.

British General: Hogan. Bit of a dirty trick, flying you to London for an hour of being a free man and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.

Hogan: Breaks up the day, sir.

British General: [Laughs] You're a good man. [Pulls out a marked map of Europe] Guess what this is.

Hogan: D-Day, sir?

British General: D-Day. And forget you saw it. [Puts the map away] Now, I can't tell you the exact date. Even to tell you this much had to be cleared to the highest level of intelligence. The Old Man himself. But- the date will be soon.

Hogan: It's been a long time coming, sir.

British General: A long time. And we don't want any mistakes. Not on our part.

Hogan: Yes, sir.

British General: Of course, we could use a few mistakes from Jerry, and that's why you're here, Hogan.

Hogan: Are you in or out?

Lilli von Scheider: After all this time, I am to help out with this crazy scheme which has no possibility of realization?

Hogan: It's up to you.

Lilli von Scheider: For laughs. Yes.

Hogan: Thanks. You'll have a million.

[Major Hochsetter sends a female Gestapo Spy to Stalig 13 to confirm his suspecions about Colonel Hogan; he has one possible lead Sgt schultz who may have information without knowing it]

Gestapo Spy: {Look at picture of Sgt Schultz) This one looks stupid enough

Hochsetter: Why not? He studied under Klink

Schultz: Kommandant Klink says you can have ten minutes with the prisoner.

Hogan: Ten minutes?! Oh, come on, Schultz. Hardly long enough to eat a chocolate bar.

[Hogan takes out a bar of chocolate.]

Schultz: Twenty minutes?

Hogan: Eat slowly. [Hands the bar to Schultz]

[Klink and Hochstetter summon Group Captain James Roberts, a recently-captured British officer, to Klink's office. He enters and comes face-to-face with a man identical to himself.]

Group Captain James Roberts: In Heaven's name.

Hochstetter: Group Captain Roberts- Leutnant Baumann.

Group Captain Roberts: He could be my twin!

Klink: In a way he is! He is!

Hochstetter: Fantastic.

Klink: They do wonderful plastic surgery! I had this friend in Dusseldorf. A Mrs. Schmidt; charming woman. Slight sag around the chin, but you know how it is. Anyway, see saw this surgeon. He advised her-

Hochstetter: [Visibly annoyed] Not now, Klink.

Group Captain Roberts: This is monstrous.

Hochstetter: The Leutnant looked a great deal like you from the start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no?

Group Captain Roberts: [Realizing] The pictures. That's why you took those pictures of me.

Leutnant Baumann: Yes, indeed, Group Captain. From the beginning it's been rather a lark. Jolly good fun, actually.

Group Captain Roberts: He's even imitated my voice. Of course, the recordings.

Hochstetter: Well, I am satisfied.

Klink: So am I.

Hochstetter: I'm glad. I don't think we need to attend to Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.

Klink: Of course not, Major! I think it's time we moved him to slightly less comfortable quarters, but, shall we say, more colourful?

Group Captain Roberts: Whatever it is your planning, you won't get away with it. I promise you that.

Hochstetter: Now, is everything crystal clear?

Klink: Major, it cannot fail because it is simplicity itself.

Hochstetter: Exactly. I knew you would understand anything simple, Klink.

Klink: Oh, thank you, sir.

Hilda: Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.

Klink: By all means, let him come in.

Hilda: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink: Our fish is nibbling at the bait.

Hochstetter: My fish.

Hogan: Colonel Klink.

Klink: Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it?

Hogan: You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF. I want to see him.

Hochstetter: He wants to see the prisoner. That's not surprising.

Klink: That's not surprising.

Hogan: Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.

Hochstetter: He says we'll deny it. We will?

Klink: We will?

Hogan: As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it. If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.

Hochstetter: Very well, you may see the prisoner.

Klink: You may see the prisoner.

Hogan: And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger-(pause) What did you say?

Hochstetter: I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.

Klink: There you are, Hogan. Your request has been granted.

Hogan: You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.

Klink: Really?

Hogan: Yeah. I faint very easily.

Hochstetter: But this is can't be. I just sent the report that the "Englishman" was sent across the Channel earlier this morning protected by the Luftwaffe... [Realizes] KLINK! I WILL mention you in my report!

Hogan: Remember, the enemy is everywhere.

Schultz: Me, an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as anyone here in this room!

Hogan: We know that, Schultz, and we respect you for it.

Kinchloe: This Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble.

Hogan: Never known one who wasn't.

LeBeau: Just say the word, Colonel, and I'll make sure he's no trouble at all.

Hogan: Sure, then we'll really be in trouble. When a Gestapo agent's been killed?

LeBeau: Who'll know he's been killed? I'll make it look like he died of an accidental cut throat.

General Burkhalter: Klink, my policy has always been one of complete cooperation with the Gestapo, provided I found their requests were reasonable. Fortunately, I have found all of their requests reasonable. No matter how unreasonable they were...

Hogan: Come on, Colonel! If the High Command's so smart, what're they doin' on the Russian Front?

Kinchloe: [On the telephone, impersonating Burkhalter] Hello! Klink?! You idiot, what are you doing in town? I am here, at your office, waiting for you! Are you arguing with me, Klink?! Now, listen, I want you back here right away! I am counting! One! Two! Three! [Klink hangs up] I think he'll break some records getting back to camp.

Hogan: Whose side are you on?

Dr. Karl Svenson: I am not on either side. I am not a politician; I am a scientist. All I want is to end the war.

Hogan: Good. And we wanna be the ones to end it. Doctor, I can get you out of Germany and over to the Allies in two days.

Dr. Svenson: No. As soon as I finish the formula-

Hogan: You mean it isn't finished?

Dr. Svenson: Two or three more months' work.

Hogan: That's good news. More time to swing you over to our side.

Dr. Svenson: I told you; I am not taking sides. You are wasting your time.

Hogan: I don't mind wasting a little time, Doctor, if I can get you to see my point of view.

[Dr. Svenson laughs, but smiles at Hogan.]

Dr. Svenson: I am going downstairs for a drink. Will you join me?

Hogan: I'd love to.

Klink: It's unbelievable! The most efficient POW camp in all of Germany, and we have no plumber!

Schultz: Herr Kommandant, Corporal Schneider was our plumber.

Klink: Was?!

Schultz: Before he was sent to the Russian Front.

Klink: Well, what idiot sent him to the Russian Front?! [Schultz looks pointedly at Klink.] Don't tell me what idiot.

Klink: I would be better off at the Russian Front.

Schultz: When you are there, can you find Corporal Schneider?

Klink: Everything ready, Schultz?

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Alles in ordnung.

Klink: Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours; that's in a few minutes. Are the prisoners accounted for in the barracks?

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! I even got extra guards. The prisoners are sleeping peacefully, like little children. Dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home, and seeing-

Klink: Schultz! I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story!

Hogan: There must be a way. Think for a minute.

Newkirk: Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?

Hogan: He always comes up with something, doesn't he?

Carter: Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!

LeBeau: Just like that, huh?

Carter: Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.

Hogan: If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.

Carter: Me?

Hogan: It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.

Carter: Right.

[Carter goes out and closes the barracks door behind him. After a few seconds a guard opens the door and pulls Carter back in.]

Hogan: Just put it anywhere.

[Hogan and his men are hiding a Soviet Air Force pilot on the run from the Germans]

Carter: Whose birthday?

Hogan: Alexander Graham Bell. Very famous American.

Lieutenant Igor Grigorovitch Piotkin: Never heard of him.

Hogan: He's the man who invented the telephone.

Lt. Piotkin: Is not true! Telephone invented by Russian; every schoolchild know this!

Hogan: American.

Lt. Piotkin: Russian!

Hogan: American.

Lt. Piotkin: Russian!

Hogan: American!

Lt. Piotkin: [Pounding a fist on the table] Russian, Russian, Russian!

Schultz: The Fuehrer said those Russians are cowards; they are always on the run!

Hogan: The reports I hear, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.

Klink: Yes, Colonel Klink speaking. Lieutenant Bergmann, anything new to report? Nothing. No, you can't come here for lunch! Forget about eating; I'm hungry, too!

Kinchloe: I wonder how far it is to the Russian Front.

Hogan: I don't know, but it's getting closer every day.

General Burkhalter: This is a most important and secret meeting.

Colonel Klink: I understand, General Burkhalter.

General Burkhalter: I doubt it.

[Jacques Mornay, a Free French operative, has been sent to Stalag 13 to assist Hogan and his men.]

Jacques Mornay: This is the most efficient organization I have ever seen.

Newkirk: Thank you very much, sir.

Jacques Mornay: If all the armies were like this, the war would soon be over.

Hogan: It'd be great for the world, but we'd be out of a swell job.

Captain Morgan: Now I know why the Underground didn't tell us where we were going.

Hogan: The less you know, the less you can talk if you're captured.

Cpt. Morgan: I knew the Germans were out to take prisoners, but I never knew you fellas were in business for yourselves.

Hogan: Let's just say we've eliminated the middleman.

Klink: Are you here on business, or is this a social call?

Hochstetter: I don't pay anybody a "social call"!

Hogan: (Hogan had listened in on Klink's conversation with Hochstetter so they repeat the same dialogue when Hochstetter comes into the barracks)Are you here on business, or is this a social call?

Hochstetter: What is it at your camp, Klink? Everybody thinks I'm a social butterfly.

Klink: What can I do for you, Major Hochstetter?

Hochstetter: Are you aware that last Monday night an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Heydrich, knocked the Fuehrer's picture off the wall, and... everything!

Klink: No, I was playing cards with Captain Bruennschmier.

Hochstetter: It is a great personal loss to me.

Klink: It was a great personal loss to me; he took me for fifty Marks!

Hochstetter: But the antiaircraft shot down the bomber...

Klink: That's good.

Hochstetter: But, the crew parachuted to safety...

Klink: Ooh, that's bad!

Hochstetter: But, we know where they are hiding.

Klink: That's good! Where?

Hochstetter: Here.

Klink: Here? Impossible!

Hochstetter: Impossible? We shall see. I am ordering my men to search every inch of this camp.

Klink: Sir! I am Kommandant of Stalag 13!

Hochstetter: That is exactly why I am ordering the search.

Carter: You know, you can say what you like about the Nazis, but anyone who built a rocket fuel depot in our reach can't be all bad.

Hogan: All right- let's examine it. Now, we have received word from London that they think the Germans are up to something in chemical warfare. Right?

Carter: Right.

Hogan: London wants the location of the factory turning it out. Who here knows anything at all about chemical warfare? Who else could convince the Germans that he was in chemical warfare before he was captured? Who else could get on the inside and find out the location of that factory? Who?

Carter: You really think I can do that, Colonel?

Hogan: No. It's just that we don't have anyone else.

General Wittkamper: What's this? You're not Gestapo!

Hogan: Lucky for you, General, we're gonna get you out of the country. Both of you.

General Wittkamper: But I don't want to get out of the country!

Hogan: When your factory is blown up and you get the blame? You'd rather stay here?

General Wittkamper: I'm coming with you.

Hogan: You wanted to see me, sir? Oh, sorry, sir; I didn't realize you had company.

Hochstetter: The Gestapo is not "company".

Hogan: Frankly, I never thought much of 'em myself.

Klink: Hogan, you will show a little respect for Major Hochstetter!

Hogan: Just a little, sir?

Klink: I mean a lot of respect! Hogan, please don't twist my words.

Hochstetter: Tell me, Colonel, what do you know about... the Manhattan Project? What is it?

Hogan: Maybe they're selling the island back to the Indians?

Hochstetter: The 504th Bomb Group was assigned to the Manhattan Project. Is that right?

Hogan: Were they?

Hochstetter: You should know. You commanded the 504th Bomb Group.

Hogan: Did I?

Hochstetter: They have been taken out of combat and sent back to the States for special training. Correct?

Hogan: How 'bout that!

Klink: Those are not answers!

Hochstetter: Klink! Colonel, may I remind you that the Gestapo can be very unfriendly. Very unfriendly.

Hogan: You know, I've heard that. And I've often wondered: What's a nice guy like you doing in an outfit like that?

Hochstetter: Of course we could give you the time to think it over, in a special cell we have. It is not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.

Hogan: Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.

Hochstetter: During the day, the the temperature is 140 degrees. And at night, it is below freezing.

Hogan: That's the hotel, all right!

Schultz: Colonel Hogan.

Hogan: Yeah, we know, Schultz-- roll call. But I want the men to finish their game.

Schultz: There won't be any roll call.

Hogan: Look, no arguments, Schultz. This is our exercise period.

Schultz: I said, there will be no roll call!

Hogan: And I said-(pause) No roll call?

Schultz: That's right.

Schultz:(Newkirk, Lebeau, and Hogan approach Klink's quarters) Halt! Who goes there?

Newkirk: Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels, and I'm Hermann Goering.

Schultz: Jolly jokers.

Hochstetter: Klink!

Klink: Major Hochstetter!

Hochstetter: What are these men doing here?

Newkirk: I'm his personal physician.

Lebeau: I'm his night nurse.

Klink: What can I do for you, Major?

Hochstetter: For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp. And you are ordered immediately to double your security force.

Klink: Double the security force?

Hogan: With his record?

Hochstetter: (miffed) What are these men doing here?!

Klink: He's right, sir. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.

Hochstetter: We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area.

Klink: A French girl?

Hochstetter:This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore.

Klink: Hmm. That's interesting. Very interesting.

Hochstetter: Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo. It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp.

Klink: Oh, no, sir.

Hogan: Impossible.

Lebeau: Ridiculous.

Hochstetter:(full out Hochstetter angry) What are these men doing here?!?!

Klink: Sir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?

Hochstetter: Yes, I think they're necessary!

Klink: Yes, sir, I think they're necessary, too. A very wise move. I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter. (Hogan "accidentally" spills liquid on Hochstetter's shoe)

Hogan: Clumsy! Here, let me wipe that up for you.(Hogan uses cloth to clean the fluid, ruining the girl's scent on the cloth to throw off the dogs.)

Hochstetter: Are you crazy?

Hogan: I'm sorry. That's what you're using to find the girl.

Hogan: They want me to go home. They've ordered me home.

LeBeau: Who would issue an order like that?

Hogan: I don't know, but whoever it was is gonna have me for a friend for life! Kinch, radio London, tell 'em orders are acknowledged. When do I leave? How, where? All the details! [Goes back inside his quarters, slamming the door.] YAHOO!

Kinchloe: Yes, sir.

Newkirk: Personally, I think he's takin' the news pretty well.

Schultz: Give me back my gun, or I'll shoot!

Hogan: Anything wrong, sir?

Klink: Hogan, get out of here!

Hochstetter: I WANT THAT MAN IN HERE!

Klink: My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter!

Hochstetter: Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you. But now, my feeling is much stronger.

Hogan: Glad you finally cleared me, sir.

Hochstetter: Exactly. Eighteen men have escaped from Stalag 6. Eight of them I have recaptured.

Klink: Excellent work, Major Hochstetter! But may I point out that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem. Never an escape, never so much as- [Hochstetter glares at Klink] as-as- until today, sir... but that was an official transfer...

Hochstetter: Of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13. Do you have any idea why?

Hogan: Bad sense of direction?

Hochstetter: I do not think so.

Klink: Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp?

Hochstetter: That is exactly what I intend to find out! I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel! Anyone trying to get out will be caught! Anyone trying to get IN will be caught!

Klink: Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.

Hochstetter: I do not want your cooperation. All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners! I will deal with all of you! Later!

Klink: Major Hochstetter, may I point out that my relationship with the Gestapo has always been the most cordial-

Hochstetter: BAH!

[Major Hochstetter storms out and slams the office door behind him.]

Schultz: Open the door! I am going to count to three! If you don't open the door, I am going to break in! One! Two! Three!

[Sergeant Schultz rams the door open, but the men are no longer holding the door. He stumbles in and goes up to Hogan.]

Schultz: Who was holding the door? I WANT TO KNOW!

Hogan: Nobody, Schultz; it sticks in the warm weather.

Schultz: It is freezing outside!

Hogan: It's a pleasure to see your mind work.

Hochstetter: Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar?!

Klink: Why would I do a thing like that?

Hochstetter: Because your head is in the noose. You have been running a country home for prairie dogs. They dig while you sleep! WAKE UP, Klink! Enjoy the little time you have left!

Klink: Major Hochstetter, I shall... [Stutters nervously] certainly try.

Hochstetter: [Watching the prisoners celebrate the "end" of World War II] Look at them. We've told them they can go, and they're having such a good time they don't want to leave!

Klink: Shoot to kill? What do you have in the truck? Prisoners?

Hochstetter: No, dancing girls. Of course, prisoners, you Dummkopf!

Hochstetter: The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.

Hogan: My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.

Hochstetter: What is this man doing here?

Klink: Oh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-

Hochstetter: Klink, did I ask for an introduction?

Hogan: I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.

Hochstetter:(miffed) What is this man doing here?

Klink: Schultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Hochstetter: (Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.

Klink: Yes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.

Hochstetter: I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?

Klink: An escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-

Hochstetter: You will be shot.

Klink: (fearful) That's another good one.

Hochstetter: (Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!

Hogan: Your, uh- your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town. I was wondering if they might borrow your car.

Hochstetter: Borrow my car?

Hogan: Well, they'll return it tomorrow. Won't you, fellas? These are gonna be big men in industry. And who knows, you may need a job!

Hochstetter: Well, I don't-

Hogan: Look, I tell ya what; I'll sign for it. If they don't return it, I'll pay for it!

Hochstetter: Yes, but-

Hogan: Well, what difference does it make? The war's over!

Hochstetter: Well, yes, the war is over... but... [Gives up] Oh, all right, take the car.

Inspector General Busse: The what... is what?

Hochstetter: The war. It's over.

Inspector General Busse: The war is over...?

Klink: That's right, General! Haven't you heard?

Inspector General Busse: No! And neither have the Americans! They bombed Berlin just one half-hour ago!

Hogan: You mean the war isn't over?

Inspector General Busse: Of course it is not over!

Hogan: Gee, Hochstetter. What a bad break. And after you let those four Underground prisoners go. Should make a lot of friends for the Gestapo.

Inspector General Busse: [Furious] You stupid fool, you! You have been tricked! [Turns to Klink] And you! You, you, you idiot, you! I will see to it that-

Hogan: Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.

Klink: Yes! Yes, that's right! [Hurries to the office window and opens it] SCHULTZ! CLOSE THE GATES! THE WAR IS BACK ON!

Newkirk: What're you doing after the broadcast, sweetheart?

Hochstetter:[barges in on Klink] No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.

Klink: Major Hochstetter, I am still in charge of this camp!

Hochstetter: The Gestapo is now in charge.

Hogan: By whose orders?

Hochstetter: (hands orders to Klink) By General Burkhalter's orders.

Klink: (hands orders to Hogan without reading them) That's good enough for me. Are you satisfied, Hogan?

Hogan: (reads orders) Mm-hmm, satisfied.

Hochstetter: (screaming) What is this man doing here?!?!

Klink: Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here?

Hogan: Undergoing intensive interrogation. He's brutal, sir. Brutal.

Klink: Yes, sir, I am.

Hochstetter: BAHHHH!!!(storms out of office)

Klink: Hogan, that is the most terrible idea I have ever heard. Of course I can't leave in the night. The Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill. I might be shot. I might end up dead.

Hogan: Uh, yeah, now tell me the part that's terrible.

Klink: Hilda, write this down. Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace 4 members of my camp personnel. They are Wolfgang, Hans, Heidi, and Gerta, our German Shepherd guard dogs. They have become lazy, inefficient, and vicious.

Hogan: I thought they were supposed to be vicious.

Klink: Not to me.

Hogan: Dogs and kids are great judges of character.

Klink: Hogan, I am not amused. My sense of humor left with Lebeau. (who escaped) Dismissed... My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera. Heil Hitler.

Hilda: Would you like me to send the daily roll call report with this, sir?

Klink: Not until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape. Hogan, I said "dismissed".

Hogan: I just came to tell you where Lebeau is hiding.

Klink: The day you tell me where one of your men is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.

Hogan: Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.

Hogan: Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.

Hochstetter: What is this man doing here?

Klink: You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.

Schultz: Where, where?

Hochstetter: If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.

Hogan: Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.

Hochstetter: What is this man doing here?

Klink: Major Hochstetter, I assure you-

Hochstetter: You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.

Newkirk: For what?

Klink: He thinks that there is an underground contact here.

Hogan: We didn't see anybody.

Klink: You see? I told you-

Hochstetter: (screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!

Hogan: You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.

Klink: What job?!

Carter: Fixin' the hole in your roof. You got a terrible leak up there. Didn't Sergeant Schultz report it?

Klink: I gave no such orders!

Carter: He doesn't want it fixed! Start pullin', Louie!

Klink: Wait, wait! I didn't say that!

Carter: Stop pullin', Louie! He changed his mind!

Klink: Wait, wait! Proceed, proceed!

Carter: Start pullin', Louie! Yes, sir, 'scuse me sir. Thank you. I'm sorry. 'Scuse me, sir.

[Carter salutes Klink, drops the ladder, picks it back up, and he and LeBeau take the ladder back out. Carter comes back to close the office door. Once they finally leave, Klink looks in exasperation at the picture of Adolf Hitler on his wall.]

Klink: What I have to put up with for you!

General Metzger: Now, tell me, Hogan. Do you have any idea of where I might find that "ammunition"?

Hogan: Yeah. In a museum, after the war.

General Metzger: I am going to order a thorough investigation into this matter, Hogan!

Hogan: I don't think you will, General.

General Metzger: Oh, really? And what makes you so sure?

Hogan: When you steal from a thief, one thing's for sure; he'll never call the cops.

[Colonel Wembley of British Army Intelligence and a radio operator are baffled at a message being sent over radio by a Royal Navy submarine, which is relaying information from Colonel Hogan at Stalag 13.]

Radio Operator: I thought we weren't giving our messages in code, sir.

Colonel Wembley: Perhaps Hogan has forgotten that. Would you look up "chimpanzee" in the code book, Sergeant?

Radio Operator: [Checks the code book] "Chimpanzee" is not part of the code, sir.

Colonel Wembley: I've no idea what the message is at all.

Submarine Officer: The chimpanzee will be wearing a fatigue uniform with sergeant's stripes and answers to the name of "Freddy."

Colonel Wembley: I've heard of Yankee ingenuity, but this is ridiculous!

Klink: What am I? A zookeeper, or the head of a POW camp?! He just doesn't understand my problems! It's so easy for him to give orders, and he expect miracles! General Burkhalter is so... he's so-

Hogan: German.

Klink: Exactly! [Pauses] Hogan, please don't cause any more trouble; it's enough for one day.

Hogan: Gestapo man came to camp and I wasn't told?! Where was I?

Kinchloe: Listening to the World Series, with the rest of us.

Hogan: Well. First things first.

Klink: Hogan, I want my car!

Hogan: You'll have it, sir, sooner than you expect.

Klink: How can it be sooner than I expect when it is already later than I thought?! Hogan, I have a dinner date, and I want my car by 7 o'clock!

Hogan: You'll have it, sir, you have my promise.

Klink: I can have your promise anytime I want; this time I want my car!

Klink: Oh, General Burkhalter! What a pleasure to see you!

Burkhalter: Klink! Why is it that you get more of a pleasure seeing me then I do seeing you?

Klink: Now, I understand that General von Trager appreciates all of the good things in life.

Hogan: Then why is he staying here?

Klink: I must tell you, Herr General, that I am not the greatest bridge player in the world.

Hogan: Have you ever played with grown ups before, sir?

Colonel Hogan: The Blue Baron is leaving.

Klink: Hogan, where's my car? You promised it would be parked and waiting for me. It is not parked and waiting for me. Why isn't it, and where is it?

Hogan:Well, I-

Klink:"8:00," you said. "Promise?" I said? "On my word of honor," you said. "8:00 sharp," I said. "Not one second later," you said.

Hogan:Did I say a.m. or p.m.?

Klink: It is now 9:30.

Hogan:Colonel Klink, I want you to know I understand your annoyance.

Klink:Oh, I understand it, too. But what I don't understand is where's my car?

Hogan:Well, let's be fair now. Do you by any chance recall what you wanted done to the car?

Klink:To have it washed.

Hogan:And waxed. Don't shrug off the toughest part. Do you know how long it takes for a good wax job? I've never heard anything more ridiculous!

Klink:Hogan, I have to pick up General Burkhalter at the station in 45 minutes.

Hogan:General Burkhalter?

Klink:Yes.

Hogan:Your car will be ready.(Rushes to the door)

Klink:Without fail?

Hogan:Put yourself in my hands.(Rushes outside)

General Burkhalter: The idea of Klink being a British agent is ridiculous!

Hochetetter: Ya, I could not believe it myself, but you were here. You heard the phone ring. You saw me write down the message, so you know I'm not crazy.

General Burkhalter: Yes, I heard the phone ring. I saw you say "mares eat oats." And I watched you eat a wad of paper.

Hochstetter: The plans, you gave him the plans!

General Burkhalter: Those plans are for a dirigible, a big bag filled with hot air, just like you!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: What good are enemies if you can't depend on 'em?

Carter: How did you know the Colonel was gonna accept the assignment?

Kinchloe: Easy. I read it in his face. Every time there's a tough one, his left eyebrow goes up.

Klink: Sir, it may cost a lot more, but may I remind you, we have never had an escape at Stalag 13!

General Burkhalter: Then perhaps you should! It might be cheaper.

[...]

General Burkhalter: Klink, I warn you: Keep expenses down, get your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it. You can catch your own on the Volga.

Newkirk:A gift for the one man who's got everything. An ammo dump.

Hochstetter: Klink! You are succeeding to do by yourself what millions of Allied soldiers are unable to do. Bring the Third Reich to it's knees! Bahhhhh!

Count von Waffenschmidt: This is all a crushing bore. [Gestures irritably at Marya, Klink, and the suitcase chained to his wrist] You, him, this, the Russian front- everything!

Schultz: My Herr Ex-Kommandant!

Klink: What is it, Schultz?

Schultz: I have good news and bad news.

Hogan: Give him the good news first, Schultz.

Schultz: They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.

Klink: That's good news?! What's the bad news?!

Schultz: They're not giving you a blindfold.

Hogan: It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.

Schultz: They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.

Klink: Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!

Schultz: I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.

Klink: How many volunteered?

Schultz: Seventy-six.

Hogan: How many men do you have?

Schultz: Eighty-two.

Klink: At least six of my men are loyal.

Schultz: No, Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.

Hogan: Well that makes it unanimous.

Klink: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!

Schultz: Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.

Klink: Now. How much would you and your men like to give to the Winter Relief Fund?

Hogan: Are you kidding? We want you to lose the war, remember?

Klink: Hardly knew the man. We went to school together for ten years, saw each other every day, but what's that?

SS-Captain Bormann: You were also best man at his wedding.

Klink: Oh. Well, uh, I had nothing else to do that afternoon.

Schultz: Oh, boy, am I in trouble. When I send my wife only half the money she usually gets- oh, boy!

Hogan: Straighten it out when you go home on leave.

Schultz: She'll straighten me out.

Hogan: Then don't go home.

Schultz: She'll come and get me.

Hogan: Hold it, hold it! What seems to be the problem?

LeBeau: I made the mistake of asking an Englishman to taste a gourmet dish.

Newkirk: It's not a gourmet dish; it's ruddy fish stew!

Klink: Well, I don't have to tell you how lucky a man would have to be to get Gertrude for a wife. She's a wonderful woman. Jolly disposition- great shot-putter.

General Burkhalter: Get to the point!

Klink: Well, sir, this is very difficult for me to say, but- I feel in my heart that I am not worthy of Gertrude.

General Burkhalter: I feel the same way.

Klink: Then why do you want me to marry her?

General Burkhalter: Are you crazy, Klink?! It's my niece Frieda and she's marrying Count von Hertzel!

Klink: [Trying to hide his relief] Count von Hertzel?

General Burkhalter: You thought I would ever let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?

Klink: But I understand Count von Hertzel is going to the Russian front!

General Burkhalter: He has changed his mind. I mean, uh, his orders have been changed.

Klink: Good riddance!

Hogan: Major Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.

Klink: There's one thing nice about his being here; it feels so good when he leaves!

Schultz: STOP IT! STOP IT! What are you doing?! Going for a little walk, huh?

Prisoner: Yeah, goin' for a walk!

Schultz: YOU'RE WALKING RIGHT INTO THE COOLER, YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Hogan: Hold it, Schultz, you can't arrest this man!

Schultz: Who says so?!

Hogan: He was just airing his blanket, isn't that right?

Prisoner: Yes, sir!

Klink: Schultz! Schultz! What's going on out there?! What's all the shooting?

Hogan: He was just airing his blanket, Schultz. [Hands Schultz a chocolate bar.]

Schultz: You want me to believe that? [Hogan gives him another chocolate bar.] Herr Kommandant, false alarm! The guards in the tower are trigger-happy!

Klink: There will be no more trigger-happiness tonight!

Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Take him back to the barracks. [To the prisoner] And you! Wait until after the war to air your blanket, you understand?!

Klink: But Hogan, why would you go to all that trouble?

Hogan: I'm doing it for my men. They've developed a fond affection for you, sir. When they see you go by with your riding crop and your monocle, they say, "Look, there goes Klink! He's embarrassing, but he's ours!"

Klink: I'm not sure, Hogan, but I think I should be offended.

Hogan: Work on it.

General Burkhalter: "And, effective immediately, all military establishments on the home front will give senior non-commissioned officers command training, with full responsibility and authority." There it is.

Colonel Klink: I can't believe it. This order is insane, absolutely insane!

General Burkhalter: It is signed "Adolf Hitler".

Colonel Klink: Insane, yet, sane.

General Burkhalter: Klink, single-handed you cut the Thousand-Year Reich down to a bare six months! In fact, we may not last until Christmas!

Klink: May I ask what the dynamite is for?

Hochstetter: You may not.

Klink: Then I won't.

Newkirk: Good evening, Schimmell's Bakery!

Klink: Schimmell's Bakery?

Newkirk: Hello? Who is this? Is that you, you no good Heinie Bellheim?!

Carter: [In a girl's voice] Is it for me, Papa?

Newkirk: Never mind! No! You cannot speak to Helga now, she's busy making strudel!

Carter: Oh, Papa!

Newkirk: And you listen to me, Heinie! You stop calling here, do you understand? Don't bother her, she's a good girl! And go away! Do something! Join the Army!

Hogan: Herr Strasser? Mayerink, Intelligence.

Strasser: Finally! That stupid Colonel.

Hogan: I know, my apologies. He will be punished.

Strasser: Are your people ready at the hotel?

Hogan: This is too big for them. You will make your report direct to Berlin. Come, we have a truck waiting.

Strasser: A truck? Wouldn't a plane be quicker?

Hogan: Yes, but we wouldn't want the Luftwaffe in on this. That Goering and his big mouth. He'd take credit for everything.

 

General Burkhalter: Klink is a fine actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.

Major Hochstetter: Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Colonel Klink: I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.

Corporal Newkirk: How did it happen?

Colonel Klink: I'm told I volunteered.

Colonel Hogan: What's your defense?

Colonel Klink: Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.

[before the court-martial]

Colonel Klink: I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.

Schultz: Raus, everybody, raus, raus, raus, raus!

Hogan: What's happening, Schultz?

Schultz: The Kommandant has an important announcement to make!

Newkirk: Bout what?

Schultz: I know-

Hogan, Newkirk, Baker, LeBeau, Carter: Nothing, nothing!

General Burkhalter: What she needs right now is consolation, Klink.

Klink: I understand, sir.

General Burkhalter: And you are the man to help her in this difficult time.

Klink: Me? I can hardly console myself!

General Burkhalter: I have arranged a nice, quiet table for the two of you at the Hauserhof tonight. Be kind to her. She respects you. THAT'S AN ORDER!

 

Klink: Hogan, I was wondering if you were aware of the fact that this is a prison camp.

Hogan: [Laughing] Well, if it isn't, you're wasting a lotta guards and barbed wire fences!

Klink: [Visibly annoyed] That's very amusing. Ha ha ha!

Hogan: Nothing like a good laugh, is there, sir?

Major Pruhst: So that is Colonel Hogan?

Klink: You've heard of him?

Major Pruhst: Yes. I know all about him. Born in Ohio, graduated from the Aviation Cadets- third in his class!

Klink: [Uncomfortably] Well, their standards are much lower than ours.

Schultz: [entering Klink's office] Herr Kommandant, Major Pruhst here to see you.

Klink: Major Pruhst? I've never heard of him.

General Burkhalter: If I'm not discussing this with Colonel Hogan, why are you?

Klink: I don't know.

General Burkhalter: Then stop talking to him!

Klink: Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that I do not wish to discuss it with him.

Schultz: Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink does not wish to discuss it with you.

Hogan: Tell Colonel Klink he's gonna be in as much trouble as General Burkhalter!

General Burkhalter: Klink! Tell Schultz to tell Hogan I'm in no trouble.

Klink: Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that General Burkhalter is in no trouble.

Schultz: Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink says that-

Hogan: They're both gonna be in trouble if they don't get rid of that rocket launcher!

General Burkhalter: Klink! Tell him he can't threaten me!

Klink: Schultz! Tell him he can't threaten him!

Schultz: General Burkhalter told Colonel Kli-

Hogan: This is my last warning!

General Burkhalter: I don't take warnings from prisoners!

Klink: Neither do I!

Hogan: You will this time!

[Hogan, Klink and Burkhalter all start arguing.]

Schultz: PLEASE! Wait for me!

General Burkhalter: Klink, stop agreeing with me; you are undermining my confidence.

[With General Burkhalter watching, Colonel Klink triggers the launch. The rocket lifts off but starts heading in the wrong direction.]

General Burkhalter: KLINK! England is [Points] that way!

Klink: General Burkhalter, I-I can't understand what happened!

Hogan: What's that way?

General Burkhalter: My house, for one thing!

[The rocket descends and explodes when it hits the ground.]

Hogan: Frankly, General, I always thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway.

[An escaped prisoner has stolen a German truck]

LeBeau: Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?

Schultz: How are you going to get him out of the camp?

[Hogan is about to say something]

Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.

Colonel Hogan: Why not? We don't have to be enemies just because we're... enemies!

Carter: Colonel... are you sure that's a good plan?

Colonel Hogan: You got a better one?

[Pause]

Carter: Good plan.

• Bob Crane — Col. Robert E. Hogan
• Werner Klemperer — Col. Wilhelm Klink
• John Banner — Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz
• Ivan Dixon — Sgt. James "Kinch" Kinchloe
• Robert Clary — Cpl. Louis LeBeau
• Richard Dawson — Cpl. Peter Newkirk
• Larry Hovis — Sgt. Andrew Carter
• Leon Askin — General Albert Burkhalter
• Sigrid Valdis — Hilda
• Cynthia Lynn — Helga
• Howard Caine — Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter
• Kenneth Washington — Sgt. Richard Baker

• "I am an actor. If I can play Richard III, I can play a Nazi."
• "Who can play Nazis better than us Jews?"

• Werner Klemperer [John Banner aka "Sergeant Schultz" query". Axis History Forum. December 20, 2007. Retrieved 2014-03-28.]

 

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