Hudibras/Part 1/Canto 1

Sir Hudibras^[1]his passing worth,
The manner how he sallied forth;
His arms and equipage are shown;
His horse's virtues, and his own.
Th' adventure of the bear and fiddle
Is sung, but breaks off in the middle.^[2]

hen civil dudgeon^[3] first grew high,
And men fell out they knew not why?^[4]
When hard words^[5], jealousies, and fears,^[6]
Set folks together by the ears,
And made them fight, like mad or drunk, 5
For dame Religion, as for Punk;
Whose honesty they all durst swear for,
Tho' not a man of them knew wherefore:
When Gospel-Trumpeter, surrounded^[7]
With long-ear'd^[8] rout, to battle sounded, 10

And pulpit, drum ecclesiastick,
Was beat with fist, instead of a stick;^[9]
Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling.
And out he rode a colonelling.^[10]
A Wight he was, whose very sight would 15
Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood;
That never bow'd his stubborn knee^[11]
To anything but chivalry;
Nor put up blow, but that which laid
Right Worshipful on shoulder-blade:^[12] 20
Chief of domestic knights, and errant,
Either for chartel^[13] or for warrant:
Great on the bench, great in the saddle,
That could as well bind o'er, as swaddle:^[14]

Mighty he was at both of these, 25
And styled of War as well as Peace.
So some rats of amphibious nature,
Are either for the land or water.
But here our authors make a doubt.
Whether he were more wise, or stout.^[15] 30
Some hold the one, and some the other;
But howsoe'er they make a pother,
The diff'rence was so small, his brain
Outweigh'd his rage but half a grain;
Which made some take him for a tool 35
That knaves do work with, call'd a Fool.
For t' has been held by many, that
As Montaigne, playing with his cat,

Complains she thought him but an ass,^[16]
Much more she would Sir Hudibras: 40
For that's the name our valiant knight
To all his challenges did write.
But they're mistaken very much,
'Tis plain enough he was no such;
We grant, although he had much wit, 45
H' was very shy of using it;

As being loth to wear it out,
And therefore bore it not about,
Unless on holy-days, or so,
As men their best apparel do. 50
Beside, 'tis known he could speak Greek
As naturally as pigs squeak;^[17]
That Latin was no more difficile,
Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle:
Being rich in both, he never scanted 55
His bounty unto such as wanted;
But much of either would afford
To many, that had not one word.
For Hebrew roots, although they're found
To flourish most in barren ground,^[18] 60
He had such plenty, as sufficed
To make some think him circumcised;
And truly so, perhaps, he was
'Tis many a pious Christian's case.^[19]
He was in Logic a great critic, 65
Profoundly skill'd in analytic;
He could distinguish, and divide
A hair 'twixt south, and south-west side:
On either which he would dispute,
Confute, change hands, and still confute,^[20] 70
He'd undertake to prove, by force
Of argument, a man's no horse;

He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl,
And that a Lord may be an owl,
A calf an Alderman,^[21] a goose a Justice,^[22] 75
And rooks, Committee-men and Trustees.^[23]
He'd run in debt by disputation,
And pay with ratiocination.
All this by syllogism, true
In mood and figure, he would do. 80
For Rhetoric, he could not ope
His mouth, but out there flew a trope;
And when he happen'd to break off
I' th' middle of his speech, or cough,^[24]
H' had hard words,ready to show why,^[25] 85
And tell what rules he did it by;
Else, when with greatest art he spoke,
You'd think he talk'd like other folk,
For all a Rhetorician's rules
Teach nothing but to name his tools. 90
But when he pleased to show 't, his speech
In loftiness of sound was rich;

A Babylonish dialect,
Which learned pedants much affect.
It was a parti-colour'd dress 95
Of patch'd and pie-bald languages;
'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin,
Like fustian heretofore on satin.^[26]
It had an odd promiscuous tone,
As if h' had talk'd three parts in one; 100
Which made some think, when he did gabble,
Th' had heard three labourers of Babel;^[27]
Or Cerberus himself pronounce
A leash of languages at once.
This he as volubly would vent 105
As if his stock would ne'er be spent:
And truly, to support that charge,
He had supplies as vast and large;
For he could coin, or counterfeit
New words, with little or no wit; 110
Words so debas'd and hard, no stone
Was hard enough to touch them on.
And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em,
The ignorant for current took 'em;
That had the orator, who once 115
Did fill his mouth with pebble stones^[28]
When he harangued, but known his phrase,
He would have used no other ways.
    In Mathematics he was greater
Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater:^[29] 120

For he, by geometric scale,
Could take the size of pots of ale;
Resolve, by sines and tangents straight,
If bread or butter wanted weight;^[30]
And wisely tell what hour o' th' day 125
The clock does strike by algebra.
Beside, he was a shrewd Philosopher,
And had read ev'ry text and gloss over;
Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath,^[31]
He understood b' implicit faith: 130
Whatever Sceptic could inquire for,
For ev'ry why he had a wherefore:^[32]
Knew more than forty of them do,
As far as words and terms cou'd go.
All which he understood by rote, 135
And, as occasion serv'd, would quote;
No matter whether right or wrong,
They might be either said or sung.
His notions fitted things so well,
That which was which he could not tell; 140
But oftentimes mistook the one
For th' other, as great clerks have done.
He could reduce all things to acts,
And knew their natures by abstracts;^[33]
Where entity and quiddity, 145
The ghosts of defunct bodies fly;^[34]

Where Truth in person does appear,^[35]
Like words congeal'd in northern air.^[36]
He knew what's what, and that's as high
As metaphysic wit can fly.^[37]150
In school-divinity as able
As he that hight irrefragable;
A second Thomas, or at once.
To name them all, another Duns:^[38]
Profound in all the nominal, 155
And real ways, beyond them all;
And, with as delicate a hand,
Could twist as tough a rope of sand;^[39]
And weave tine cobwebs, fit for scull
That's empty when the moon is full;^[40] 160
Such as take lodgings in a head
That's to be let unfurnished.

He could raise scruples dark and nice,
And after solve 'em in a trice;
As if Divinity had catch'd 165
The itch, on purpose to be scratch'd;
Or, like a mountebank, did wound
And stab herself with doubts profound,
Only to show with how small pain
The sores of Faith are cured again; 170
Although by woful proof we find
They always leave a scar behind.
He knew the seat of Paradise,
Could tell in what degree it lies;^[41]
And, as he was disposed, could prove it, 175
Below the moon, or else above it:
What Adam dreamt of, when his bride
Came from her closet in his side:
Whether the devil tempted her
By a High-Dutch interpreter:^[42] 180
If either of them had a navel;^[43]
Who first made music malleable:^[44]

Whether the serpent, at the fall,
Had cloven feet, or none at all.^[45]
All this, without a gloss, or comment, 185
He could unriddle in a moment,
In proper terms, such as men smatter,
When they throw out, and miss the matter.
For his Religion, it was fit
To match his learning and his wit: 190
'Twas Presbyterian true blue,^[46]
For he was of that stubborn crew
Of errant^[47] saints, whom all men grant
To be the true church militant:^[48]
Such as do build their faith upon 195
The holy text of pike and gun;^[49]
Decide all controversies by
Infallible artillery;
And prove their doctrine orthodox
By apostolic blows and knocks; 200
Call fire, and sword and desolation,
A godly-thorough-Reformation,
Which always must be carried on,
And still be doing, never done:

As if Religion were intended 205
For nothing else but to be mended.
A sect, whose chief devotion lies
In odd perverse antipathies:^[50]
In falling out with that or this,
And finding somewhat still amiss:^[51] 210
More peevish, cross, and splenetick,
Than dog distract, or monkey sick:
That with more care keep holy-day
The wrong, than others the right way:^[52]
Compound for sins they are inclined to, 215
By damning those they have no mind to:
Still so perverse and opposite,
As if they worshipp'd God for spite.
The self-same thing they will abhor
One way, and long another for. 220
Free-will they one way disavow,
Another, nothing else allow:^[53]
All piety consists therein
In them, in other men all sin:
Rather than fail, they will defy 225
That which they love most tenderly;

Quarrel with minced pies, and disparage
Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge;
Fat pig and goose itself oppose,
And blaspheme custard through the nose. 230
Th' apostles of this fierce religion,
Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon,^[54]
To whom our knight, by fast instinct
Of wit and temper, was so linkt,
As if hypocrisy and nonsense 235
Had got th' advowson of his conscience.^[55]
Thus was he gifted and accouter'd.
We mean on th' inside, not the outward:
That next of all we shall discuss;
Then listen, Sirs, it followeth thus: 240
His tawny beard was th' equal grace
Both of his wisdom and his face;
In cut and dye so like a tile.^[56]
A sudden view it would beguile;
The upper part thereof was whey, 245
The nether orange, mixt with grey.
This hairy meteor did denounce
The fall of sceptres and of crowns;^[57]
With grisly type did represent
Declining age of government. 250

And tell, with hieroglyphic spade,^[58]
Its own grave and the state's were made.
Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew
In time to make a nation rue;^[59]
Tho' it contributed its own fall, 255
To wait upon the public downfal:^[60]
It was canonic,^[61] and did grow
In holy orders, by strict vow:^[62]
Of rule as sullen and severe
As that of rigid Cordeliere.^[63]260
'Twas bound to suffer persecution
And martyrdom with resolution;
T' oppose itself against the hate
And vengeance of th' incensed state:
In whose defiance it was worn. 265
Still ready to be pull'd and torn,
With red-hot irons to be tortured.
Reviled, and spit upon, and martyr'd.

Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast
As long as monarchy should last; 270
But when the state should hap to reel,
'Twas to submit to fatal steel,
And fall, as it was consecrate
A sacrifice to fall of state;
Whose thread of life the fatal sisters^[64] 275
Did twist together with its whiskers,
And twine so close, that Time should never,
In life or death, their fortunes sever;
But with his rusty sickle mow
Both down together at a blow. 280
So learned Taliacotius, from
The brawny part of porter's bum,
Cut supplemental noses, which
Would last as long as parent breech:^[65]
But when the date of Nock was out,^[66] 285
Off dropt the sympathetic snout.
    His back, or rather burthen, show'd
As if it stoop'd with its own load.
For as Æneas bore his sire
Upon his shoulders thro' the fire, 290
Our knight did bear no less a pack
Of his own buttocks on his back:
Which now had almost got the upper-
Hand of his head, for want of crupper.
To poise this equally, he bore 295
A paunch of the same bulk before:
Which still he had a special care
To keep well-cramm'd with thrifty fare;
As white-pot,^[67] butter-milk, and curds,
Such as a country-house affords; 300

With other victual, which anon
We further shall dilate upon,
When of his hose we come to treat,
The cupboard where he kept his meat.
His doublet was of sturdy buff, 305
And though not sword, yet cudgel-proof,
Whereby 'twas fitter for his use,
Who fear'd no blows but such as bruise.^[68]
His breeches were of rugged woollen,
And had been at the siege of Bullen; 310
To old King Harry so well known,
Some writers held they were his own.^[69]
Thro' they were lined with many a piece
Of ammunition-bread and cheese,
And fat black-puddings, proper food 315
For warriors that delight in blood.
For, as we said, he always chose
To carry vittle in his hose,
That often tempted rats and mice,
The ammunition to surprise: 320
And when he put a hand but in
The one or th' other magazine.
They stoutly in defence on't stood,
And from the wounded foe drew blood;
And till th' were storm'd and beaten out, 325
Ne'er left the fortified redoubt:
And tho' knights errant, as some think,
Of old did neither eat nor drink,^[70]
Because when thorough deserts vast,
And regions desolate, they past, 330
Where belly-timber above ground,
Or under, was not to be found,

Unless they grazed, there's not one word
Of their provision on record:
Which made some confidently write, 335
They had no stomachs but to fight.
'Tis false: for Arthur wore in hall
Round-table like a farthingal,^[71]
On which, with shirt pull'd out behind.
And eke before, his good knights dined. 340
Tho' 'twas no table some suppose,
But a huge pair of round trunk-hose:
In which he carried as much meat
As he and all his knights could eat,^[72]
When laying by their swords and truncheons, 345
They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons.^[73]
But let that pass at present, lest
"We should forget where we digrest;
As learned authors use, to whom
"We leave it, and to th' purpose come. 350
His puissant sword unto his side,
Near his undaunted heart, was tied.
With basket-hilt, that would hold broth,
And serve for fight and dinner both.
In it he melted lead for bullets, 355
To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets;
To whom he bore so fell a grutch,
He ne'er gave quarter t' any such.
The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty,^[74]
For want of fighting was grown rusty, 360

And ate into itself, for lack
Of somebody to hew and hack.
The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt,
The rancour of its edge had felt:
For of the lower end two handful 365
It had devour'd, 'twas so manful,
And so much scorn'd to lurk in case,
As if it durst not show its face.
In many desperate attempts,
Of warrants, exigents, contempts,^[75] 370
It had appear'd with courage bolder
Than Serjeant Bum, invading shoulder:^[76]
Oft had it ta'en possession,
And pris'ners too, or made them run.
This sword a dagger had, his page, 375
That was but little for his age:^[77]
And therefore waited on him so,
As dwarfs upon knights errant do.
It was a serviceable dudgeon,^[78]
Either for fighting or for drudging:^[79] 380
When it had stabb'd, or broke a head,
It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread,
Toast cheese or bacon,^[80] though it were
To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care.
'Twould make clean shoes, and in the earth 385
Set leeks and onions, and so forth:
It had been 'prentice to a brewer,
Where this, and more, it did endure;
But left the trade, as many more
Have lately done, on the same score.^[81] 390

In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow,
Two aged pistols he did stow,
Among the surplus of such meat
As in his hose he could not get.
These would inveigle rats with th' scent, 395
To forage when the cocks were bent;
And sometimes catch 'em with a snap,
As cleverly as th' ablest trap.
They were upon hard duty still,
And every night stood sentinel, 400
To guard the magazine i' th' hose,
From two-legg'd, and from four-legg'd foes.
Thus clad and fortified, Sir Knight,
From peaceful home, set forth to fight.
But first, with nimble active force, 405
He got on th' outside of his horse.^[82]
For having but one stirrup tied
T' his saddle, on the further side,
It was so short, h' had much ado
To reach it with his desp'rate toe. 410
But after many strains and heaves,
He got upon the saddle eaves,
From whence he vaulted into th' seat,
With so much vigour, strength, and heat,
That he had almost tumbled over 415
With his own weight, but did recover,
By laying hold on tail and mane,
Which oft he used instead of rein.
But now we talk of mounting steed,
Before we further do proceed, 420
It doth behove us to say something
Of that which bore our valiant bumkin.

The beast was sturdy, large, and tall,
With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall;
I would say eye, for h' had but one, 425
As most agree, though some say none.
He was well stay'd, and in his gait,
Preserv'd a grave, majestic state.
At spur or switch no more he skipt.
Or mended pace, than Spaniard whipt:^[83] 430
And yet so fiery, he would bound,
As if he grieved to touch the ground:
That Cæsar's horse, who, as fame goes,
Had corns upon his feet and toes,^[84]
Was not by half so tender-hooft, 435
Nor trod upon the ground so soft:
And as that beast would kneel and stoop,
Some write, to take his rider up:^[85]
So Hudibras his, 'tis well known.
Would often do, to set him down. 440
We shall not need to say what lack
Of leather was upon his back:
For that was hidden under pad,
And breech of Knight gall'd full as bad.
His strutting ribs on both sides show'd 445
Like furrows he himself had plow'd:
For underneath the skirt of pannel,
'Twixt every two there was a channel.
His draggling tail hung in the dirt,
Which on his rider he would flirt, 450
Still as his tender side he prickt,
With arm'd heel, or with unarm'd, kickt:
For Hudibras wore but one spur.
As wisely knowing, could he stir

To active trot one side of's horse, 455
The other would not hang an arse.^[86]
A Squire he had, whose name was Ralph,^[87]
That in th' adventure went his half.
Though writers, for more stately tone,
Do call him Ralpho, 'tis all one: 460
And when we can, with metre safe,
We'll call him so, if not, plain Raph.^[88]
For rhyme the rudder is of verses,
With which, like ships, they steer their courses.
An equal stock of wit and valour 465
He had lain in, by birth a tailor.
The mighty Tyrian queen that gain'd,
With subtle shreds, a tract of land,^[89]
Did leave it, with a castle fair,
To his great ancestor, her heir; 470
From him descended cross-legg'd knights;^[90]
Famed for their faith and warlike fights
Against the bloody Cannibal,^[91]
Whom they destroy'd both great and small.

This sturdy Squire had, as well 475
As the bold Trojan knight, seen hell,^[92]
Not with a counterfeited pass
Of golden bough, but true gold lace.
His knowledge was not far behind
The knight's, but of another kind, 480
And he another way came by't;
Some call it Gifts, and some New Light.
A lib'ral art, that costs no pains
Of study, industry, or brains.
His wits were sent him for a token,^[93] 485
But in the carriage crack'd and broken.
Like commendation nine-pence, crookt
With—to and from my love—it lookt.^[94]
He ne'er consider' d it, as loth
To look a gift-horse in the mouth; 490
And very wisely would lay forth
No more upon it than 'twas worth.^[95]
But as he got it freely, so
He spent it frank and freely too.
For saints themselves will sometimes be, 495
Of gifts that cost them nothing, free.
By means of this, with hem and cough,
Prolongers to enlighten'd snuff,^[96]
He could deep mysteries unriddle.
As easily as thread a needle; 500

For as of vagabonds we say,
That they are ne'er beside their way:
"Whate'er men speak by this new light,
Still they are sure to be i' th' right.
'Tis a dark-lanthorn of the spirit, 505
Which none see by but those that bear it:
A light that falls down from on high,^[97]
For spiritual trades to cozen by:
An ignis fatuus, that bewitches,
And leads men into pools and ditches,^[98] 510
To make them dip themselves, and sound
For Christendom in dirty pond;
To dive, like wild-fowl, for salvation,
And fish to catch regeneration.
This light inspires, and plays upon 515
The nose of saint, like bagpipe drone,
And speaks through hollow empty soul,
As through a trunk, or whisp'ring hole,
Such language as no mortal ear
But spiritual eaves-droppers can hear. 520
So Phœbus, or some friendly muse,
Into small poets song infuse;^[99]
Which they at second-hand rehearse,
Thro' reed or bag-pipe, verse for verse.
Thus Ralph became infallible, 525
As three or four legg'd oracle,
The ancient cup, or modern chair;^[100]
Spoke truth point blank, though unaware.

For mystic learning wondrous able
In magic talisman, and cabal,^[101] 530
Whose primitive tradition reaches,
As far as Adam's first green breeches:^[102]
Deep-sighted in intelligences,
Ideas, atoms, influences;
And much of terra incognita, 535
Th' intelligible world could say; ^[103]
A deep occult philosopher,
As learn'd as the wild Irish are,^[104]
Or Sir Agrippa, for profound
And solid lying much renown'd:^[105] 540

He Anthroposophus,^[106] and Floud,
And Jacob Behmen understood;
Knew many an amulet and charm,
That would do neither good nor harm;
In Rosicrucian lore as learned,^[107] 545
As he that verè adeptus^[108] earned.
He understood the speech of birds^[109]
As well as they themselves do words;
Could tell what subtlest parrots mean,
That speak and think contrary clean;^[110] 550
"What member 'tis of whom they talk,
When they cry Rope—and Walk, Knave, walk.^[111]

He'd extract numbers out of matter,^[112]
And keep them in a glass, like water,
Of sov'reign power to make men wise:^[113] 555
For, dropt in blear, thick-sighted eyes,
They'd make them see in darkest night,
Like owls, tho' purblind in the light.
By help of these, as he profest,
He had first matter seen undrest: 560
He took her naked, all alone,
Before one rag of form was on.^[114]
The chaos too he had descry'd,
And seen quite thro', or else he lied:
Not that of pasteboard, which men shew 565
For groats, at fair of Barthol'mew;^[115]
But its great grandsire, first o' th' name,
Whence that and Reformation came,
Both cousin-germans, and right able
T'inveigle and draw in the rabble: 570
But Reformation was, some say,
O' th' younger house to puppet-play.^[116]
He could foretell wbats'ever was,
By consequence, to come to pass:
As death of great men, alterations, 575
Diseases, battles, inundations:
All this without th' eclipse of th' sun,

Or dreadful comet, he hath done
By Inward Light, a way as good,
And easy to be understood: 580
But with more lucky hit than those
That use to make the stars depose,
Like knights o' th' post,^[117] and falsely charge
Upon themselves what others forge;
As if they were consenting to 585
All mischief in the world men do:
Or, like the devil, did tempt and sway 'em
To rogueries, and then betray 'em.
They'll search a planet's house, to know
Who broke and robb'd a house below; 590
Examine Venus and the Moon,
Who stole a thimble and a spoon:^[118]
And tho' they nothing will confess,
Yet by their very looks can guess,
And tell what guilty aspect bodes, 595
Who stole, and who received the goods.
They'll question Mars, and, by his look,
Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a cloak;
Make Mercury confess, and 'peach
Those thieves which he himself did teach.^[119] 600
They'll find, i' th' physiognomies
O' th' planets, all men's destinies;
Like him that took the doctor's bill,
And swallow'd it instead o' th' pill.^[120]
Cast the nativity o' th' question,^[121] 605
And from positions to be guest on,

As sure as if they knew the moment
Of Native's birth, tell what will come on't.
They'll feel the pulses of the stars,
To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs: 610
And tell what crisis does divine
The rot in sheep, or mange in swine:
In men, what gives or cures the itch,
What made them cuckolds, poor, or rich;
What gains, or loses, hangs, or saves, 615
What makes men great, what fools, or knaves;
But not what wise, for only of those
The stars, they say, cannot dispose,^[122]
No more than can the astrologians.
There they say right, and like true Trojans. 620
This Ralpho knew, and therefore took
The other course, of which we spoke.^[123]
Thus was th' accomplish'd squire endued
With gifts and knowledge per'lous shrewd.
Never did trusty squire with knight, 625
Or knight with squire, jump more right.
Their arms and equipage did fit,
As well as virtues, parts, and wit:
Their valours too, were of a rate,
And out they sallied at the gate. 630
Few miles on horseback had they jogged,
But fortune unto them turn'd dogged;
For they a sad adventure met,
Of which anon we mean to treat:
But ere we venture to unfold 635
Achievements so resolved and bold,
We should, as learned poets use,
Invoke th' assistance of some Muse;
However critics count it sillier,
Than jugglers talking t' a familiar: 640
We think 'tis no great matter which;
They're all alike, yet we shall pitch

On one that fits our purpose most,
Whom therefore thus we do accost:—
    Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 645
Didst inspire Withers, Pryn, and Vickars,^[124]
And force them, though it were in spite
Of Nature, and their stars, to write;
Who, as we find in sullen writs,
And cross-grain'd works of modern wits, 650
With vanity, opinion, want,
The wonder of the ignorant,
The praises of the author, penn'd
By himself, or wit-insuring friend;
The itch of picture in the front, 655
With bays, and wicked rhyme upon't,
All that is left o' th' forked hill^[125]
To make men scribble without skill;
Canst make a poet, spite of fate,
And teach all people to translate; 660
Though out of languages, in which
They understand no part of speech;
Assist me but this once, I 'mplore,
And I shall trouble thee no more.
    In western clime there is a town,^[126] 665
To those that dwell therein well known,
Therefore there needs no more be said here,
We unto them refer our reader;
For brevity is very good.
When w' are, or are not understood.^[127] 670
To this town people did repair
On days of market, or of fair,

And to crack'd fiddle, and hoarse tabor,
In merriment did drudge and labour;
But now a sport more formidable 675
Had raked together village rabble:
'Twas an old way of recreating,
Which learned butchers call bear-baiting;
A bold advent'rous exercise,
With ancient heroes in high prize; 680
For authors do affirm it came
From Isthmian or Nemean game;
Others derive it from the bear
That's fix'd in northern hemisphere,
And round about the pole does make 685
A circle, like a bear at stake,
That at the chain's end wheels about,
And overturns the rabble-rout.
For after solemn proclamation,^[128]
In the bear's name, as is the fashion, 690
According to the law of arms.
To keep men from inglorious harms,
That none presume to come so near
As forty feet of stake of bear;
If any yet be so fool-hardy, 695
T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy,
If they come wounded off, and lame,
No honour's got by such a maim,
Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing bound,
In honour to make good his ground, 700
When he's engag'd, and take no notice,
If any press upon him, who 'tis,
But lets them know, at their own cost,
That he intends to keep his post.
This to prevent, and other harms, 705
Which always wait on feats of arms,
For in the hurry of a fray
'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way.
Thither the Knight his course did steer
To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear, 710

As he believed h' was bound to do
In conscience, and commission too;^[129]
And therefore thus bespoke the Squire:—
We that are wisely mounted higher
Than constables, in curule wit, 715
When on tribunal bench we sit,^[130]
Like speculators, should foresee,
From Pharos^[131] of authority,
Portended mischiefs farther than
Low proletarian tything-men:^[132] 720
And therefore being inform'd by bruit,
That dog and bear are to dispute;
For so of late men fighting name,
Because they often prove the same;
For where the first does hap to be, 725
The last does coincidere.
Quantum in nobis, have thought good
To save th' expense of Christian blood,
And try if we, by mediation
Of treaty, and accommodation, 730
Can end the quarrel, and compose
The bloody duel without blows.
Are not our liberties, our lives,
The laws, religion, and our wives,

Enough at once to lie at stake 735
For Cov'nant,^[133] and the Cause's sake?^[134]
But in that quarrel dogs and bears,
As well as we, must venture theirs?
This feud, by Jesuits invented,
By evil counsel is fomented; 740
There is a Machiavelian plot,
Tho' ev'ry nare olfact it not;^[135]
A deep design in't, to divide
The well-affected that confide,
By setting brother against brother 745
To claw and curry one another.
Have we not enemies plus satis,
That cane et angue pejus^[136] hate us?
And shall we turn our fangs and claws
Upon our own selves, without cause? 750
That some occult design doth lie
In bloody cynarctomachy,^[137]
Is plain enough to him that knows
How saints lead brothers by the nose.
I wish myself a pseudo-prophet, 755
But sure some mischief will come of it,

Unless by providential wit,
Or force, we averruncate^[138] it.
For what design, what interest,
Can beast have to encounter beast? 760
They fight for no espoused Cause,
Frail privilege, fundamental laws,^[139]
Nor for a thorough Reformation,
Nor Covenant, nor Protestation,^[140]
Nor liberty of consciences,^[141] 765
Nor lords' and commons' ordinances;^[142]
Nor for the church, nor for church-lands,
To get them in their own no hands;^[143]
Nor evil counsellors to bring
To justice, that seduce the king; 770
Nor for the worship of us men,
Tho' we have done as much for them.
Th' Egyptians worshipp'd dogs,^[144] and for
Their faith made internecine war.
Others adored a rat,^[145] and some 775
For that church suffer'd martyrdom.

The Indians fought for the truth
Of th' elephant and monkey's tooth;^[146]
And many, to defend that faith,
Fought it out mordicus to death.^[147] 780
But no beast ever was so slight,^[148]
For man, as for his god, to fight;
They have more wit, alas! and know
Themselves and us better than so.
But we, who only do infuse 785
The rage in them like boutè-feus,^[149]
'Tis our example that instils
In them th' infection of our ills.
For, as some late philosophers
Have well observed, beasts that converse 790
With man take after him, as hogs
Get pigs all the year, and bitches dogs.
Just so, by our example, cattle
Learn to give one another battle.
We read, in Nero's time, the Heathen, 795
When they destroy' d the Christian brethren,
They sew'd them in the skins of bears,^[150]
And then set dogs about their ears;
From whence, no doubt, th' invention came^[151]
Of this lewd antichristian game. 800
    To this, quoth Ralpho, Verily
The point seems very plain to me;
It is an antichristian game,
Unlawful both in thing and name.
First, for the name; the word bear-baiting 805
Is carnal, and of man's creating;^[152]

For certainly there's no such word
In all the Scripture on record:
Therefore unlawful, and a sin;^[153]
And so is, secondly, the thing: 810
A vile assembly 'tis, that can
No more be proved by Scripture, than
Provincial, Classic, National;^[154]
Mere human creature-cobwebs all.
Thirdly, it is idolatrous; 815
For when men run a-whoring thus^[155]
With their inventions, whatsoe'er
The thing be, whether dog or bear,
It is idolatrous and pagan,
No less than worshipping of Dagon. 820
Quoth Hudibras, I smell a rat;
Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate:
For though the thesis which thou lay'st
Be true, ad amussim,^[156] as thou say'st;
For that bear-baiting should appear, 825
Jure divino, lawfuller
Than synods are, thou dost deny
Totidem verbis; so do I:
Yet there's a fallacy in this;
For if by sly homœosis,^[157] 830
Thou wouldst sophistically imply
Both are unlawful, I deny.
And I, quoth Ralpho, do not doubt
But bear-baiting may be made out,
In gospel-times, as lawful as is 835
Provincial, or parochial Classis;

And that both are so near of kin,
And like in all, as well as sin,
That, put 'em in a bag and shake 'em,
Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em, 840
And not know which is which, unless
You measure by their wickedness;
For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether
O' th' two is worst, tho' I name neither.
    Quoth Hudibras, Thou offer'st much, 845
But art not able to keep touch.
Mira de lente,^[158] as 'tis i' th' adage,
Id est, to make a leek a cabbage;
Thou canst at best but overstrain
A paradox, and th' own hot brain;^[159] 850
For what can synods have at all
With bear that's analogical?
Or what relation has debating
Of church-affairs with bear-baiting?
A just comparison still is 855
Of things ejusdem generis:
And then what genus rightly doth
Include, and comprehend them both? ^[160]
If animal, both of its may
As justly pass for bears as they; 860
For we are animals no less,
Although of diff'rent specieses.^[161]
But, Ralpho, this is no fit place,
Nor time, to argue out the case:
For now the field is not far off, 865
Where we must give the world a proof

Of deeds, not words, and such as suit
Another manner of dispute:
A controversy that affords
Actions for arguments, not words; 870
Which we must manage at a rate
Of prowess and conduct, adequate
To what our place and fame doth promise,
And all the godly expect from us.
Nor shall they be deceived, unless 875
W' are slurr'd and outed by success;
Success, the mark no mortal wit
Or surest hand can always hit:
For whatsoe'er we perpetrate,
We do but row, w' are steer'd by fate,^[162] 880
Which in success oft disinherits,
For spurious causes, noblest merits.
Great actions are not always true sons
Of great and mighty resolutions;
Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth 885
Events still equal to their worth;
But sometimes fail, and in their stead
Fortune and cowardice succeed.
Yet we have no great cause to doubt,
Our actions still have borne us out; 890
Which, tho' they're known to be so ample,
We need not copy from example;
We're not the only persons durst
Attempt this province, nor the first.
In northern clime a val'rous knight^[163] 895
Did whilom kill his bear in fight,
And wound a fiddler: we have both
Of these the objects of our wroth,
And equal fame and glory from
Th' attempt, or victory to come. 900

'Tis sung, there is a valiant Mamaluke
In foreign land, yelep'd ———^[164]
To whom we have been oft compared
For person, parts, address, and beard;
Both equally reputed stout, 905
And in the same Cause both have fought.
He oft, in such attempts as these,
Came off with glory and success:
Nor will we fail in th' execution,
For want of equal resolution. 910
Honour is, like a widow, won
With brisk attempt, and putting on;
With ent'ring manfully and urging;
Not slow approaches, like a virgin.^[165]
This said, as erst the Phrygian knight,^[166] 915
So ours, with rusty steel did smite
His Trojan horse, and just as much
He mended pace upon the touch;
But from his empty stomach groan'd,
Just as that hollow beast did sound, 920
And, angry, answer'd from behind,
With brandish'd tail and blast of wind.
So have I seen, with armed heel,
A wight bestride a Common-weal,^[167]

While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd,925
The less the sullen jade has stirr'd.^[168]