Un-Bestiary
WELCOME TO THE
BESTIARY OF
UNCYCLOPEDIA
Yea, thou hast walk-ed into the halls of evil, the Un-Bestiary. Here, thou shalt finde the records of beastes so woeful, so devious, that thou shallt shudder at their very sight. Ye fearsome Grue will be the least of thyn troubles, as thou meetest the other creatures of yore founden in Uncyclopedia.
In short, I do ask of thee but only one thing: If thou hast come upon the lair of a creature so fearsome that it hath made thee fear for thyn life, for the love of all things goode, add the records of that same beaste to this collection of creatures! But minde ye these parameters of doom:
1) Thou shalt place the creature's name alphabetically. Violators shall be flog-ed.
2) Thou SHALT use proper Un-Bestiary formatting when adding thy creature. That meaneth: Name in Header, followed by Image, then "{{main|<Creature name>}}", Main text, [[<Creature Name>|More]]..." I do not want that I must fix your mistakes, people. Violators shall be flogg-ed some more.
3) Thou shalt speake of the creature, its traits, gruesome appearance, and habits of feeding upon the flesh of humans. Thou shalt also provide a picture of beaste. Violators will be flog-ed twice.
4) Thou shalt add "[[Category:UnBestiary]]" to the creature's article before thou createst the entry on this page. Violators shall be kick-ed.
5) Thou shalt NOT plagiarize articles. Paraphrase and summarize! Violators shalt be cockpunch-ed rewarded heavily made to clean up the zoo. Conformers still shall clean up the zoo.
6) Thou shalt not add a non-beast into the Un-Bestiary. Violators will be prod-ed.
0-9[edit | edit source]
500 foot Jesus[edit | edit source]
The 500-foot Jesus (also known as “Big J.C.”) is an enormous machine of destruction, and a possible metaphor for some kind of religious-atomic bomb. The 500 foot Jesus is best known for his assault on the world's cities, and his duels with well-known supervillians Santa Hitler, fire breathing al gore and Robo-Hitler. As you may have guessed, the 500 foot Jesus is exactly 500 feet tall and could therefore kick just about anything's ass. Watch out for that shit.
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A[edit | edit source]
Administrator[edit | edit source]
- Main articles: Real Ultimate Power, Adminses, Wiki Administrators, Uncyclopedia:Administrators, Special:Listadmins
These people are the people you depend on. They check your spelling. They huff your trash. They redirect to your article. They format your text. They steal your laundry detergent. They walk your dogs. They clean your dishes. They drink your beer. They wash your car. They organize your files. They sleep with your daughter. They brush your teeth. They even guard your articles while you sleep. Do not fuck with them or you will be blocked.
More More! MORE! MORE!! MORE!!!
American Politician[edit | edit source]
The American Politician is a common household pest across most of the United States, although one turns up in Canada every once in a while. Originally created as a big "screw you" to King George III, these pesky buggers now control most of the free world.
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B[edit | edit source]
Balrog[edit | edit source]
Balrogs are small, furry, elflike creatures from Oscar Wilde's basement. They have a mean and vicious temper and is said to be one of the invisible forces behind such evil including, but not limited to:
They are also blamed for the first death of Oscar Wilde, which, of course was legendarized™ by his quote:
"Yup, I'm dead."
~ Oscar Wilde on Being Killed
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Barney the Pedosaurus Rex[edit | edit source]
Not to be confused with Barney Frank, this purple monstrosity is a known predator of small children. He made his own show on TV, tricking people into thinking he is a non-violent DinoChristian. He is actually a fat purple asshole and a minion of Satan.
Basilica[edit | edit source]
Any one of the very large, snake-like reptiles. Basilicas can grow to enormous proportions. The most famous, and largest, basilica is St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City, which is also the very first of these beasts. Other notable basilicae include Godzilla (Basilica halitosisia), Bowser (Plumberibus archnemisus), and Kraid (Basilica spacia).
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BENSON[edit | edit source]
BENSON IS HERE! BENSON TYPES IN ALLCAPS! REAL MEN USE ALLCAPS! BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU!
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Bigballz[edit | edit source]
A creature much like bigfoot. It is a hairy, monkeyish thing that lives in the woods and rapes/eats campers. As its name suggests, it has a large ballsack that hangs all the way to the ground and it actually has to drag it around as it walks.
Bigfoot[edit | edit source]
Bigfoot was born to Alistair and Jenette Crandall in 1954. Early in life, his grades were poor, thus, his career killing people camping in the woods.
Bull Mouse[edit | edit source]
The bull mouse is popular among small-game hunters for its magnificent antlers, which can stretch up to 4 to 5 inches across. Although they may approach humans, bull mice are are to be feared: A mouse that decides someone has crossed into their "personal space" will knock down the offender and kick and stomp until the threat stops moving.
Bunyip[edit | edit source]
One of the earliest biological weapons in history, bunyips are deadly Australian creatures, originally suspected to be hobgoblins of the unimagination. They enjoy XXXX beverages, swimming, and infant flesh. However, careful research and wanton cruelty towards them have indicated that they are, in fact, just regular hobgoblins.
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Burrito[edit | edit source]
El burrito (Pasteles carnei) es una bestia de carga muy pequeña que es apenas más grande que la cucaracha Mexicana, y casi dos veces tan delicioso y picante. El pequeño burrito lindo es tan asombrosamente fotogénico que ninguna cámara fotográfica en la Tierra puede hacerle justicia, así que se nos fuerza a colocar un diagrama evolutivo aburrido...
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C[edit | edit source]
Cabbage[edit | edit source]
Try to fucking eat it. Just fucking try.
A Cabbage can kill you just by looking at you funny. They rip people in half all the time, and roll around in their bloody entrails. They wouldn't even think twice about tearing off your arm, and jamming it through your eyesocket so that the fingers are sticking out your mouth, and then kicking you in the nuts, which would make you BITE YOUR OWN FINGERS OFF. The purpose of the cabbage is to flip out and KILL.
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Chocobo[edit | edit source]
Chocobos are bird-like mammals used for many recreational and theatrical purposes. They come in many colors and flavors, and do not taste like chicken, so stop asking me. Of the different colors of chocobo, none is more desired than the Gold Chocobo, whose name,like all chocobos can be spelled with or without a capital C. There are also over 20 different ways to say the plural of chocobos/chocobo/Chocobo/Chocobos/chocobbi/chocobies.
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Chupacabra, El[edit | edit source]
El Chupacabra (also known as the chupa-thingy) is a mythical beast that lives on the island of Puerto Rico. This creature is believed to be half man and half guido. This creature known in spanish as the goat sucker has been seen spending most of its time in clubs in New Jersey.
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Cookie Monster[edit | edit source]
The Cookie Monster (not to be confused with the raccilla) was first mentioned in Oscar Wilde's fourth book Tales from the Street. Originally created as a metaphor for all things evil, this creature soon came to represent more pleasant things such as pornography and funerals. Children are told of how the Cookie Monster will bring gifts to the good children, and kill the families of children who say he does not exist.
Recent scientific tests have proven beyond all doubt that the Cookie Monster is a real entity, although he may usually go by the alias George Foreman. The Cookie Monster is 892 years old.
The Cookie Monster has been the subject of huge media attention after displaying his abnormal eating disorders on the popular freak show program Sesame Street. His eating disorder is thought by many sociologists to have influenced a majority of Americans, which is why they are so fat.
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D[edit | edit source]
Demon[edit | edit source]
A type of mouse commonly found roving the highways of Middle England with the intent of giving small children their daily allowance of chocolate. Not to be confused with a rabbit.
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Developers![edit | edit source]
Developers! Developers!: Developers!
Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!
Developers!...
DinoJesus[edit | edit source]
DinoJesus, a.k.a. Raptor Jesus, roamed the Earth circa 90,000,000,000-65,000,000,000 BC, long before the days of Regular Jesus. He lived back in the day when God Himself was still only a teenager. God was going through kind of a rebellious phase. Rather than making beings in His own image, He populated the Earth entirely with giant lumbering reptiles. Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created DinoJesus. DinoJesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution, and foster a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory, primarily the darn Romans, viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction.
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Dish Monster[edit | edit source]
The Dish Monster is a creature that lives in apartments across the world. These insidious creatures consume living-mates food, and shit dishes in to the sink, pissing off everyone in the apartment. They are believed to be related to the Loch Ness Monster, as well as dinosaurs and the Chupacabra.
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Drop Bear[edit | edit source]
Drop Bears are a fearsome mutant species of Australian marsupial that prey on unsuspecting American and Japanese tourists, but have been known to attack stupid locals who venture too far into known areas of infested forest. They drop down from trees... DUH.
E[edit | edit source]
Energizer Bunny[edit | edit source]
The bloodthirsty mascot of Wikipedia's battery company, the Energizer Bunny is a dangerous foe. And just when you think he's done killing the masses, he just keeps going and going and going and going....
Eurg[edit | edit source]
Eurgs are the antipode to grues. "Antipode" is a very old Latin word meaning "equally nasty little creature". Eurgs are quite the opposite of grues in every respect. Except for one. They want to eat you, too. You thought you could get off easy, didn't you? Too bad! Eurgs are about 42 feet high. There are 74 eurgs currently living in the United States.This would qualify them for "Endangered Species" but eurgs don't like environmentalists. At least without ketchup.
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Euroipod[edit | edit source]
A Euroipod is a creature that gives itself away for free in return for
- a) Money
- b) Reffering friends to do the same
Visit http://euroipods.com today for yours!
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F[edit | edit source]
Fantard[edit | edit source]
The fantard is a human subspeices that is even more dangerous than grues and can easily beat a fanboy in seconds.One might not seem much,but they wilk always come at masses of 20-30, looking for the critic prey or troll invaders to attack with. And they will even ruin and suffocate the fandom they subside, by drawing the gay couple that is the most fathfoming of eyes.What is even worse is, they will attack using a way even the normal trolls will never imagine. The only savior against this ferocious creature is 4Chan and the EDiots of somewhere.
Feral Midgets[edit | edit source]
Fear not the Feral Midget, for although it can be a dangerous creature—by default—they are peaceful, only coming out of their underground chambers to gather food and offer midget sacrifices to their eight-headed midget god. Not to be confused with midges, a much more vexing and evil creature.
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Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish[edit | edit source]
The Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is—as its name suggests—a fish within a fish within a fish within a fish within another fish. Often prone to uncaring, angry fishermen, drunken stagger, and poisonous seaweeds, the Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is regarded as one of the highest-quality seafoods in their world. It is also one of the most difficult foods to prepare, as the Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is five times the fish and therefore five times the warrior. Like Aquaman, only not so gay. Sikon is trying to hunt these to extinction.
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Furries[edit | edit source]
The infamous fur-covered cartoon beasts also known as "funny animals"—although the jury is still out on if they're funny strange or funny ha-ha. Furries were born when a computer virus created by a corrupt Sonic the Hedgehog game mutated and begun to infect people, first altering their personalities and then their physical characteristics. The transformation continues until the victim is covered wth fur, mutated ears, a tail, and their mind is altered by the virus so several are Naked Mole Rats. They were shunned by the people who have come up with a vaccine for the Virus (Used only on two known people: Jimbo Wales and Dr. Ivo Robotnik) and then rebelled to overthrow people/neopet society. Furries are part of a vast worldwide conspiracy to dominate the world with gratuitous use of Walt Disney cartoons and subliminal messages hidden in MTV videos. Phyllis Diller led the Invasion Of The Furries in 2001, calling for mandatory clip-on ears and tails for everyone, and back/belly rubs with skritches every Friday after work.
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Fusestopper[edit | edit source]
Are creatures from the Impossible Quiz that defuse bombs when you clicked its icon
“AAAAAAAAAA! ”
their natural habitat is in questions
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Future Retro[edit | edit source]
A crystal ball that uses rock guitars & old synthesizers.
G[edit | edit source]
Gamer[edit | edit source]
While ostensibly people, Gamers are not people in the traditional sense. They possess the uncanny ability to play video games with deep interest for more than five minutes, and some have super-person mental capacity (though they normally use it to store information about video games). They show no indication of having energy most of the time, but are known to receive random bursts every few years to fight in the Great Console Wars. Despite many warnings from the Surgeon General, people don't understand the strange nature of these semi-people. More...
Gazebo[edit | edit source]
Gazebos are very large creatures of legend, some growing as large as small houses, though the largest is by far the Emperor Gazebo, which grown to an astonishing 50 meters in height. All gazebos start their lives as shiny, perfectly round eggs planted by the mother gazebo, but soon hatch as Trellises. In this stage of life, the young Gazebo fends for itself by covering its body in a plant-like material for camouflage while feeding on a diet of puppies and kittens that wander too close to its kill zone. More...
Gelatinous Cube[edit | edit source]
The Gelatinous Cube is a creature that was discovered by National Geographic, consisting entirely of poisonous goo. For this reason, it needs little protection or concealment from predators. No, the Gelatinous cube does not come from Cuba (land of cubes), but rather from the mystical plane of Mordor.
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Giant enemy crab[edit | edit source]
Giant enemy crabs are a rare species of crab found along the Japanese coast. Although they were once fairly commonly distributed along the Japanese archipelago, extensive hunting and planned attacks on spawning sites have caused the number of giant enemy crabs to severely dwindle, especially during the early 20th century. Giant enemy crabs are the largest species of crab in the world; unfortunately, they are also the most hostile and the worst tasting type of crab as well.
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Giant enemy plant[edit | edit source]
Yet another common cyber-foe, Giant enemy plants are considered a staple enemy among many dungeons, caves or similar gloomy dark area. They appear in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, colors and attack strategies without having a noticeable weak spot. Notoriously dangerous, they attack with their sharp-toothed mouths (sometimes multiple), scythe-like arms, poisonous acids and toxic sludge.
Grue[edit | edit source]
The Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a horrible box-shaped beast known especially for eating people ravenously and without warning. Few, if any things can kill a Grue, and most likely you will be eaten by one. Grues can be found anywhere that's ominous, dark, and loaded with random humor. There are no ways to protect yourself from being eaten by a grue, though many have tried by pitting their own grue against another grue. The grues usually team up to eat the victim 99% of the time. Grues truly have no natural enemies except light, non square doorway's and other grues who disagree with them, much like people. Warning: Do not assume anything by the previous sentence!! Grues are not people!! They WILL eat you!!
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H[edit | edit source]
House Elf[edit | edit source]
House Elves (Rowlingus Imaginarius) are short, grubby, disgusting little creatures with the likability factor of a Republican Vice-President. In the English class system they sit just below Gypsy Dogs and just above Chelsea Football Club. Due to a brain that is about as well crafted as one of those cheap Chinese water pistols you buy on market stalls, they speak very poor English (roughly as much the common household baguette) and can only just about perform simple tasks like cooking, cleaning and texting.
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Human[edit | edit source]
Humans are a species of meat-based lifeforms which, despite there being a multitude of specimens in captivity across the universe, can only be found in their natural habitat on the planet Earth. Their primary means of attack is to fire concentrated energy beams from their palms, shoot volleys of projectiles from their fingers, or else to just pound pathetically against their foe's impenetrable hide with their forelimbs while weeping softly. Their ultimate power is insanity. No human is ever truly sane.
Their closest genetic relatives are clay and God's breath. They are known to be extremely delicious.
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Hummingbird[edit | edit source]
Though not an animal per se, the story of the coming of the hummingbird is one worth listening to, unless you're a bloody Canadian. Invented by Canadian apricot farmers in the 1940s to explain a mysterious drought which devastated the year's harvest, hummingbirds are perhaps the biggest hoax ever perpetrated by any government, EVER. Even more than Sweden's infamous "Rubber Moose" gag, or North Dakota. If you ever see a hummingbird in the wild, immediately shoot it, as it is most likely a Canadian spy satellite or psychotic cyborg sparrow.
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Hybrid[edit | edit source]
A hybrid is a super-sized version of a mirid (not to be confused with myriad), a variety of leaf bug. The hybrid, however, is twenty times the size of the mirid, usually has blood dripping from its mandibles, and has the devil in its eyes.
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Hypello[edit | edit source]
The Hypello are a race of aquatic people created by General Sean Connery (and are thus known for their Scottish lisps) when he came to power in the Third Potato Wars. They live in the country of Narnia and worship the Shoopuf, a God whose job is to help them cross the river of weaselpudge. They hold great reverence toward their god.
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I[edit | edit source]
Imaginary Pet[edit | edit source]
Main article: Imaginary pet
A semi dangerous pet given away free at pet stores. By semi dangerous I mean it can distract you from looking both ways when crossing the street. Made up of almost pure invisible illusion it cannot be seen or interact in any way with the physical world.
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J[edit | edit source]
Christosaurus rex[edit | edit source]
Christosaurus rex (Kriss-to-soar-us rex) (lat. "King of the Messiah Lizards"), also known as C. rex and "The Prophet of the Dinosaurs", is one of the final forms of Jesus, and is expected to visit Earth sometime around the year 2031. Not to be confused with Raptor Jesus or Jesusaur, Christosaurus Rex is a carnivore, and he's out with a vengeance.
Jimbo Wales[edit | edit source]
Jimbo, Princess of Wales, is the God-king of space and supreme deity of the universe. It's an awesome responsibility and, looking at that photo, you now feel reassured that it's in safe hands.
James Bo "Jimbo" Wales (Welsh for bastard) is a well-known huckster, con man and dictator of Wikiland, who has adopted a lifestyle of libertinage, debauchery, international travel, and Ferrari connoisseurship by standing on the shoulders of a million nerds. He is a high-ranking member of the GNAA, and frequently trolls the satirical "encyclopedia" Wikipedia as part of his official duties. He is well known for his amusing stunts.
K[edit | edit source]
Killer Africanized Giant Fighting Desert Lobster[edit | edit source]
The killer africanized giant fighting desert lobster (Scorpious pinchius) is a fearsome, unrelenting beast of the Australian Outback and Northern Sahara that tastes great with beer and melted butter. The story of the killer africanized giant fighting desert lobster began when non-killer non-africanized normal-sized peaceloving underwater lobsters were taken away from their native radioactive waters of the Sea of Japan in the early 1950's and brought to Africa in a desperate attempt to take over the bulk of the continent from the vicious machete-wielding Tutsi warriors (not to be confused with the "Tootsie warriors", the peaceful soldiers of Willie Wonka from the Choco-Lands). Immediately, the natives took a liking to the gross creature, and taught it to pinch the ass of the white man instead. The killer africanized giant fighting desert lobster's main method of killing prey is to wait until its prey (usually a tourist on safari) passes by, where upon the lobster then pounces on the victim, injecting a sugary venom that's a hell of a lot sweeter then Splenda, if that's even possible.
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Kitten[edit | edit source]
Kittens are the most dangerous hunters ever. Avoid at all costs. They will kill you, much like Grues. However, kittens are also currently on the endangered species list, mostly because whenever you litter, masturbate, or turn on a lightbulb, God kills a kitten. Yes, God is a very sick person.
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King of monsters[edit | edit source]
“Hmmmm...Stroke my green penis, you will”
“it was just in my grasp the most legendery of all until of course, my pant zip got stuck.”
“For the last time, I am not a ram Plushie! Not a MIZO ram either! I will keel you if you sayie that agedin!”
“The king of monsters is one thing that you ain't wanna be involved with!”
“No Hangly-man, dick dick dick dick dowde!”
The King of monsters is a brown sheep-like beast who has a big smile. He seeks on people who torture Cookie Monster (and other damn monsters) and people who play the fool sometimes. He is the master of all creepers, Cookie Monsters, Oscar the Grouchs, Ghasts, slender men, Plushies, grues, UberGrues, Anti-Grues, eurgs, wild bush cars, scarecrows, and H.R. Pufnstuf.
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L[edit | edit source]
Laotian rock rat[edit | edit source]
The best kept secret in Asia, since your mom's photo album of her backpacking trip "accidentally" ended up on the internet. Now she's number two, which brings us neatly back to the pictures. What was I saying before? Oh, yes, the rats. Fear them or die trying.
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Ling-Ling[edit | edit source]
A relative of the Pikachu, the Ling-Ling is an extremely rare mouse-like Pokemon. Ling-Lings are difficult to capture, but they are often seen hanging around the sets of reality shows. Their abilities are lightning-elemental, and they often secrete a valuable liquid that has been sold on the black market.
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Lobstermoose[edit | edit source]
Lobstermooses will kill anything in their way. All three genders are equipped with large, dangerous antlers used primarily for disemboweling every living thing that crosses their path, and big, meaty claws for the chopping off of heads. Avoid at all costs.
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Mantis Shrimp[edit | edit source]
Pure pwnage.
Mattress[edit | edit source]
Mattresses are curious creatures that are found in the gaseous swamps of the planet Squornshellous Zeta. Mattresses enjoy flolloping and gurlaughling. Other activities include wurfing, volluing, lurgling, vooning, and listening to classical jazz music at an extremely low volume. Dead Mattress carcasses are a very important intergalactic commodity as they are often freeze-dried and used as sleeping surfaces. Mattresses very rarely come back to life once they are thoroughly dead.
Mongolian Death Worm[edit | edit source]
A rare desert amphibian the Mongolian Death Worm will kill you. Anytime anywhere before you see anything it will kill you. Thought to electrocute anything wearing yellow or vermilion hats, many theories exist to explain how a creature could evolve this behavior but all researchers have been electrocuted. Many conceder the Mongolian Death Worm to be a myth and it likes it that way. More...
Moomin[edit | edit source]
Moomins (Moominus hippopotamicus), though generally considered lovable creatures, are in fact extremely lethal, and responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent children and goldfish. The Moomin's characteristic round appearance is caused by their lack of an anus, causing them to be bloated with shit. Don't make fun of them for this, however, if you value your life!
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Mosques[edit | edit source]
Mosques, or Mollusks, are squidlike alien demons that rule most of the universe and are worshipped as Gods by most peoples of the world. Although most are malevolent, like their would-be leader, a few, such as Zoidberg and Ackbar are actually good guys; a shame, then, that these good guys have almost none of the phenominal cosmic powers typical of their race. If you encounter one, and it isn't the doctor or the admiral, then you better get the hell down on your hands and knees and PRAY TO IT, BITCH! If you don't, well then I cannot be held responsible for the consequences, and I will not offer my condolences to the family of a twit such as yourself.
What, you want MORE?! What the hell is wrong with you, you sick freak?
N[edit | edit source]
n00b[edit | edit source]
The n00b, also spelt newb, n00blet, noob, and occasionally nub, is an animal known (prepare for Oxymoron) for being highly skilled at being inept. The typical diet of a n00b consists entirely of balls unless the balls try to turn the tables and eat the n00bs instead, which is what usually happens. It is also physically impossible for a n00b to use the ! symbol, most likely because their short n00bish arms are unable to reach the Shift Key and the 1/! key at the same time. <sigh> n00bs.....
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O[edit | edit source]
Oedipus Rex[edit | edit source]
Oedipus Rex was the dominant predetorial species of dinosaur inhabiting the majority of southern Achean peninsula until it went extinct due to inbreeding, blindness, and reproductive practices of leaving their young on mountains to be found by shepherds.
Olie[edit | edit source]
The robotic villain that appears on the TV show Rolie Polie Olie. He has a younger sister, Zowie.
Orc[edit | edit source]
Orcs are a group of creatures, that are ugly looking. If you want to say that to their faces, though, avoid.
Ostrich-Ninjapirate[edit | edit source]
The ostrich-ninjapirate is the disgusting bastard child of an ostrich and a ninja-pirate forced into loveless bio-sex by a team of Finnish computer technicians on Adobe Photoshop, or sometimes Paint Shop Pro. When this evil deed of evil was first carried out in 1966, the ostrich-ninjapirate came to life and multiplied itself twenty times in a matter of minutes. The group then hijacked a spaceship and went on to invade several planets. Ostrich-ninjapirates still exist on earth in some parts of The Netherlands—and possibly Utah, though most experts discredit this theory.
Create your own ostrich-ninjapirate!
P[edit | edit source]
Pipe Dream[edit | edit source]
- The Pipe Dream is a thing that shoots marbles at you. It gets stuck in your dreams. It was trained by the Great Sphinx, which also gets stuck in your dreams. It is a minion of the Drum Machine.
- Watch the jazzy attack of the Pipe Dream:
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Piranha[edit | edit source]
They may look like harmless little goldfish thingys, but piranhas are actually evil creatures that want to eat you alive! A close relative of the common Grue, piranhas are evil fish with jaws that take up their whole body. Despite their tiny size, they are no laughing matter. They are plotting our downfall right now! Run..or Swim...do whatever you do to stop piranhas from killing/eating you!
Pixel[edit | edit source]
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A pixel is a very tiny winged fairy whose body is constantly surrounded with a square field of colour. There are said to be 224 different colours of pixels, among them Light Goldenrod Yellow (FAFAD2) and Evil Gray (AAAAAA).
In battle, pixels are known to group into various combat formations, the most common of which is the "pointer" formation, consisting only of black (000000) or white (FFFFFF) pixels forming the shape of an arrowhead constantly pointing northwest. Pixels resist magic but take double damage from cold iron and magnets.
Though pixel populations have soared worldwide in recent decades, very few have succeeded in capturing and taming the spry creatures. Tame pixels are so highly valued that one particular individual earned one million dollars by selling a vast menagerie of pixels that he had captured as a boy, a hundred at a time.
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Platypus[edit | edit source]
The platypus is the shit. And not in the good way, either. Like the Ostrich-ninjapirate, the platypus is too a bastard child, but unlike the Ostrich-ninjapirate, is a creation of a fucked-up God. But when the first explorers came upon the platypus, all but one of then converted to atheism, and not the peaceful kind either. The angry, contemptuous, all-Christians-are-ignorant-motherfuckers-and-God-is-a-stupid-lie-type of atheism. The reason: the platypus is proof of a flawed, imperfect God. Oh, and that one explorer who didn't convert—he killed himself. Yeah, platypussies are the shit.
- See also: Moogawooga, the Platypus Deity of Choice
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Plushie[edit | edit source]
Originally believed to be harmless home-made sex toys for lonely old perverts, the Plushies have since been revealed to be a race of alien marauders bent on galactic domination. After leaving their home planet many eons ago, these fuzzily-disguised extraterrestrial rat-bastards have rampaged throughout the Milky Way, raping, pillaging, eating, and in some cases fluffing entire planets. As if that wasn't bad enough, they spend a great deal of time hanging out around Wal-Marts.
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Printer[edit | edit source]
Printers are domesticated cybernetic organisms. They come in many varieties, from Olde Worlde to Laser Jet, and while only some of these varieties can properly digest electricity, they all share an appetite for paper. Ironically, paper contains very little nutrients which the printer can extract, and usually the paper is excreted by the printer in an almost unchanged state.
They are known to have the most complicated urinary system in all of creation, with which they excrete ink in highly complicated patterns and sequences. With the aid of a computer, the printer's owner can train their printer to excrete ink in various patterns desired by its owner. The most famous of these printer trainers was H. P. Lovecraft.
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Pug Vader[edit | edit source]
"I WHEEZE am your SNORT father PANT!"
It is well known that Anakin trained several toy dogs in the art of the Sith, since they are already cute and appear to pose no threat they could sneak into an enemy base and annihilate everyone. However, only one apprentice was worthy enough to be Pug Vader. He was dipped in lava, given his own suit, and a space doghouse like a mini-deathstar. The terror of the Rebel's dogs, he was killed by Obi-Wan Kaninebi.
Q[edit | edit source]
Qwerty[edit | edit source]
Qwerties are a species of small, fuzzy birds. There are nearly none left, as they have been hunted to near extinction by such alien predators as the Dvorak and AZERTY, and it is predicted that by the year 2015, there will be NO qwerties left at all. Though most qwerties are now kept as pets in people's homes, where they can be stroked gently by their human owners over and over again, their wild ancestors engaged in the hunting of the "mouse", a rarely-filmed mating ritual.
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R[edit | edit source]
Raving Rabbids[edit | edit source]
Raving Rabbids are only one of the most deadly small mammals known to man. These freaks of nature are like mutated versions of normal rabbits. These creatures, like rabbits, have huge teeth and long ears. What makes these creatures different is their lack of noses and necks, and their huge blue eyes that turn red when they get crazy. Rabbids first spawned their evil in the game Rayman: Raving Rabbids. Rayman, their nemesis, now lives as a Basement-dweller due to the fact that the Rabbids have become more popular than him. The Rabbids have invaded more video games and now have their own series of video games, thus increasing the likelihood of them bringing the world to insanity.
Rock[edit | edit source]
Rocks were first domesticated around the Stone Age, where they were trained to do tideous mind-numbing tasks like breaking other rocks to make rocks for breaking other rocks. Rocks are tough. Granite is pretty tough. I knew a granite once....I dated a talc once, as well. Didn't work out, she was too soft for my taste. I like my women TOOUUGH!!, like granite. But that's beside the point...Rocks are cool. Everybody likes gems, but you know what, rocks are awesome.
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S[edit | edit source]
Scarecrow[edit | edit source]
Scarecrows are an indigenous race of people who are made of potato sacks and are filled with hay. Once living peacefully, they were captured by the humans and brought into the American Slavery Corporation. Many scarecrows were nailed to wooden poles to scare away crows, even though the crows were too smart to believe that stupid joke. Despite those years of abuse, the scarecrows quickly adapted to their new environment and their numbers thrived. Scarecrows began slaughtering massive numbers of rednecks who wandered into sunflower fields at night. But they can be easily detered because they have no brains and are therefore stupid.
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Smartass[edit | edit source]
Smartasses are a type of donkey (or "ass" if you're British) with an IQ higher than the average ass. Though they are now free to crack wise about all our mommas, smartasses were once kept solely for slave labor up until the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, that fancy document that rhymes. But they were still denied the same rights as non-smartasses. However, in the 1960s, smartasses began a civil rights movement which took America by storm, guaranteeing them a place among humans. That's not to say that there aren't people who want that to stop. I mean, no one likes a smartass. Every political party since the 1960s has desperately been trying to return smartasses to their former status, though the Democrats are hesitant because their mascot is a smartass, as are many Democrats themselves.
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Snuffleupagus[edit | edit source]
The Snuffleupagus is a shaggy elephantine Muppet which lacks ears and tusks, an evolutionary trait employed to escape the interest of ivory dealers, the elephant's main predator. They are known to befriend birds of similar height to their own. Such birds are thought to be responsible for grooming the Snuffleupagi's fur and devouring the juicy ticks that dwell within.
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Space Chicken[edit | edit source]
Bwahahaha!!
Space Chickens are known to be lazy, however, legends say that JKR, it's lazy creator blames everything at the Chickun because the Mad Toon Monkey Thing Show is allways late. "Space Chickens come from outer space" at least so Captain Ovelia claims after interviewing JKR. Space Chickens are claimed to be naive, crazy things made out of rubber and acid plastic green goo filled with a playdoron substance created by the collision of minerals and electricity therefore giving the substance the ability to form into a flexible shape. God, I'm hungry. And thirsty. Maybe I should go... Eat some water... Man d00d hyppi had some gud inspiration!
Google will pwn y00! Bahvawahaka!
Something Under Your Bed[edit | edit source]
Science has uncovered the existence of something hiding under your bed. We don't know what it is, but there is definitely something under your bed. We also know that it's big, ugly, and wants to eat your head. Hell, there could be a whole bunch of somethings under your bed...watching you...right now. Although we don't know exactly what's under your bed, scientists say it may most likely be:
- Bogeyman
- Demons
- Grues
- Cookie Monster
- Michael Jackson's ghost
- The ghosts of kittens that have been huffed to death
- Dr. Zoidberg
- Wild boars
- Possibly all of these
We now have technology that may just be able to get something out of your bed. But right now, we're using it for more important things, like ending Global Warming, finding a cure for diarrhea, stopping wars, getting whales off the endangered list, and trying to discover food that is both healthy and delicious at the same time. You're on your own here.
More? Just look under your bed...
Sugarglider[edit | edit source]
Main article was huffed...
The sugarglider, sometimes called the Flying Death, is a ferocious, evil, gliding possum native to Earth and Australia and currently competes with the bunny as the most ferocious animal on Earth. The sugarglider is extremely dangerous, and like the Xenomorph, will attack humans with no provocation in their attempt to control the galaxy. Organizing themselves into huge armies, sugarglider generals direct their minions into war, attacking and killing humans in a matter of seconds. There is an on-going battle in the hopes of stopping sugargliders once and for all, led by General Alcarcalimo. Also, they eat dead babies, just thought you should know.
No more, this article was deleted...
- Why?
- Because you touch yourself at night.
and I watch.
- Because you touch yourself at night.
T[edit | edit source]
Taahgaarxian[edit | edit source]
The Taahgaarxians are evil, soul-eating anteater-like creatures dispatched by God during the Apocalypse to kill all atheists. Their motto is: "One lick, and they're dead", and it is no exaggeration. Originally thought up by "writer" Tim LaHayes for his completeley true propaganda literature, God has recently bought the copyrights to use Taahgaarxians and they are expected to kill all atheists by December 26 of 2073.
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Talent Agent[edit | edit source]
A Talent Agent (species name Crocodylus Tenpercentius) is a creature native to the hills of Hollywood and the urine-soaked streets of Los Angeles. They are wild, carnivorous, and absolutely fabulous. They also have waaaaaay more money than you do.
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Tasmanian Devil[edit | edit source]
Tasmanian devils are basically mutated demon squirrels that first spawned on the island of Tasmania. Despite their size, they are extremely dangerous creatures that will kill you on sight! They have dozens of sharp teeth packed in huge jaws disproportionate with the rest of their body, and also have the ability to spin like tornadoes. They can also give you a very painful headache with their loud screeching/growling noises that are usually made when they fight over a carcass.
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Thesaurus[edit | edit source]
The Thesaurus was a biblivorous (book-eating) therapod dinosaur which lived during the Lower Uncyclopedian era, the last stage of the Cretinous period, 66–65 million years ago. It was first discovered by Winston Churchill in Oxford by in 1910. Many dinosaurologists (people who study dinos) agree that Thesaurus—though it had a large brain capable of analyzing syntax, etymology, and word meaning in 20 different languages like a Grammar Nazi—probably did not have an intelligence beyond that of primitive reptilian standards, though it was the smartest in its grade.
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This freak[edit | edit source]
You see these things here and there. It's always best not to look, you might find one attractive. This would be a sign that you're not human, and you will be happier not knowing you're not human. So just don't look, okay? Trust me.
U[edit | edit source]
Ubergrue[edit | edit source]
An Ubergrue (death) is a creature resembling a grue, and a member of the grue family (though not actually a grue itself). They are the only known predators of the grue and the eurg, and also enjoy eating humans. They are the most powerful animals in existance and are made out of sheer awesomeness. There are approximatley 12 of them worldwide, and their most common home is the void. No one knows where they come from.
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Umlaut Monster[edit | edit source]
Das Umlautmonster (also called das Umlautungeheuer) is a shady figure, behind cupboards and bookcases lurking. It is of cruel, wicked, pedant, and sadistic nature (die Natur). It has nasty fangs and two huge, dot-like eyes above its enormous, wide mouth hovering. The umlaut monster feeds on the body parts of people who mistakes in German grammar do. It can also very mad at you get if you merely to capitalise any single Noun in a Sentence forget. Remember Word Order! If you Mistakes in Word Order make, will the Umlaut Monster two Body Parts instead of one consume.
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Uncle Fester[edit | edit source]
main article was huffed
Uncle Fester is a human-like being who is known to make people kill themselves. Often Fester would be working in the darkest of places and instead of carrying a torch around he decided to be a little more inventive and fed 2 rods through his mouth, down his gullet and into his stomach creating a zinc-carbon battery. He then connected the remaining wires to a light bulb. As you can see in the picture, this was quite dangerous and could result in serious injury to those around him. AVOID!
No More...
'Cause you've been bad!
Unicorn[edit | edit source]
Unicorns are large equine animals characterised by one (1) big honking spike of doom protruding from their forehead. The spike, when sliced off and used as a cup, is known to remove all toxins from its contents. Unfortunately it also makes any beer poured into it taste like teetotaler's urine. It is believed that, with the aid of high-velocity particle accelerators, three unicorns can be fused together to form a triceratops.
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Unix Daemons[edit | edit source]
Dangerous near Unix and Unix-like operating systems. Avoid if using one of those systems.
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Ultra Duck Megatron[edit | edit source]
“Hey giant duck megatron thingy, I'm smarter than the average bear, so don't go shooting fireballs at me! I will feed you meat for some care.”
“Why does everyone use the Ultra Duck Megatron for tourism!? It only should be visited for being taken care of, much like experts about it do.”
Ultra Duck Megatron is a robot duck that was created by the Ultra Duck Professor in 1844 (8652 in duck years). The food that Ultra Duck Megatron eats includes minerals, meat, bones and ground up solar panels. According to the Ultra Duck Professor, the Ultra Duck Megatron is made up of rocks, electric and mechanical materials, and obsidian for the throat. It has been famous throughout the years, and has been used for unusual tourism.
V[edit | edit source]
Vampire[edit | edit source]
Vampires are the pasty-faced individuals who love biting the necks of young Hispanic boys whilst they sleep (the boys, I mean, for vampires never sleep). There are many myths concerning the weaknesses of vampires, but truly, only one thing can stop them: Olive Garden. Oh yes, they can step into direct sunlight, stabbed in the heart by a stake (not steak, those are delicious), and be shot with a silver bullet (wait, wrong monster), and they still won't die. But take a vampire to the any place saturated with garlic, and instant implosion of the testicles is inevitable.
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W[edit | edit source]
Wallet[edit | edit source]
The Wallet is a wild, angry bird creature of death, similar to the unicorn and liger. Rumors used to tell of the Wallet flying over towns and villages and swooping up the banks with his large talons. However, this is untrue, because Wallets are not Jewish.
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Wardrobe[edit | edit source]
The wardrobe is perhaps one of the most horrible, yet misunderstood creatures that wander the Canadian wilderness. The first person to ever discover the Wardrobe was the fearless adventurer Parco Molo, who set out with his team of biologists, hunters, and one sherpa to find the elusive animal (and of course, kill it, but that goes without saying). The wardrobe, a beast known for its tendencies to lead young children into fantastic lands fraught with peril, is thought to have evolved from the Cupboard (Cupboardius maximus), which in turn evolved from the Shelf, a now extinct creature.
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Weasel[edit | edit source]
Weasels are reptiles of family muselidae and are honorary members of the von Trapp family. They spend most of their time in biodomes, or bio-enclosures of other sorts. They are known to be more or less constantly engaged in family feuds. Little is ever made of the involvement of weasels in the Gambino crime family, or their studio work with Sly and the Family Stone. Needless to say, "weasel" is synonymous with "family" in many walks of English life, except Wales. May the Queen save us, anywhere but Wales, where weasel is spelled gycnwtdth. Damn those whales....
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Wikipedia Monster[edit | edit source]
Not very well known, the extinct Wikipedia Monster was killed by Sir Uncyclopedia. It was then killed by another user for being a stub, before being recreated.
The Wikipedia Monster (French: la Monsteur Wikipédie) was a snake-like water beast that possessed numerous heads and poisonous breath. It was killed by Sir Uncyclopedia in his first trial.
Wiki Mule[edit | edit source]
A Wiki Mule is an account created by an actively contributing Wikipedophile or Wikithug for the purpose of carrying offloaded negative or unflattering activity tied to his or her primary account. Unlike the common, everyday sock puppet, which normally exists to support the original account identity in "edit wars" and other Wikinastiness, the mule exists primarily to carry its creator's psychological burdens, and is left to wither and die if the charade is successful. More...
Wild Bush Car[edit | edit source]
Many years ago, the immigrants discovered drunk driving and threw all their wrecked cars in the forest. All those years in the wild have created feral cars that run over critters and eat them. They also kill people. And they release deadly gases into the ozone layer. These creatures are found in many parts of the world and are commonly seen driving across open roads, where they spend most of their time running over anything in sight. They have built-in GPS systems which help them locate their prey. Heck, one could be waiting outside your house waiting to run you over.
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X[edit | edit source]
Xenomorph[edit | edit source]
Run. Run now! THE XENOMORPH WANTS TO FUCKING KILL YOU!! RUN YOU ASSHOLE, RUN!! Oh God, oh, God, oh God, I'm dead. The Xenomorph is coming! OH GOD IT'S COMING! RUN, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, RUN! IT'S GOING TO FUCKING KILL US ALL!!!!
Oh God, There's More!! Fucking NOOO!!!...
Y[edit | edit source]
You[edit | edit source]
- You just lost The Game.
- Can you dig it? SUCKA!!!!!
- You are not The One.
- You are very very !!!
- Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes"
- You have a dim realisation that nature has played a cruel trick on you but lack the intelligence to realize the magnitude of that trick.
- Nobody is dumber than you are.
- You assainated JFK.
- You kicked my dog.
- You are now entering.... the Twilight Zone.
- You most definitely are not Ogden Nash.
- You have no chance to survive, make your time.
- You smell of cabbage.
- You have drunk enough coffee in your lifetime to fill the Indian Ocean.
- You are a dangerous, highly addictive narcotic and people would like to know how to quit you.
- You have a large, swelling, pulsating boil below your left eye. You keep going to the doctor about it, and he keeps prescribing these weird yellow pills. Here's a tip: The pills are filled with tortoise urine, and the boil will become a living organism and eat your testicles.
- You seem to have an erection.
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Yowie[edit | edit source]
The Yowie is a large, predatory hominid believed to inhabit the forests and jungles of Australia. It was known to the Aborigines as the Yummi Yummi, and has long been regarded with a mixture of fear, admiration and superstitious awe. They are said to have migrated to Australia from Belgium across the land bridges which formed during the Permian ice age.
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Z[edit | edit source]
Zombies[edit | edit source]
Zombies are humans which are the byproduct of any process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the living and watch American Idol.
Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiins...
Zombiebaron[edit | edit source]
The Zombiebaron is a fairly uncommon relative of the Zombie. A lot of Zombiebarons are admins on really crappy wikis. They are known to only live in Canada and to be obsessed with chopping potatoes and Photoshop.
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