Suburbia
Suburbia The Place Middle-Class White People Call "Home" The 'Burbs | |||||
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| Motto: "My six-figure salary entitles me to bitch." | |||||
| Anthem: "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M. | |||||
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| Capital | West Oak Park Field, U.S.A. | ||||
| Largest city | North Oak Park Field, U.S.A. | ||||
| Official language(s) | texting | ||||
| Government | Feudal Capitalism | ||||
| President | Mike Brady | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Dr. Phil, Oprah, Kelly Ripa, Jesus Of Suburbia | ||||
| Established | A.D. 1967 | ||||
| Currency | credit | ||||
| Religion | Protestant Consumerism | ||||
“We are the stories and disciples of the Jesus of Suburbia”
“Yeah, like, this place totally sucks.”
“We're way too rich for cul-de-sacs.”
“Where the hell am I? Why do all these God damn houses look the same? Why the hell did we move out here, anyway? Wait . . . is that? . . . Not another f***ing cul-de-sac!”
Suburbia is a mythical land which, according to most middle-American legends, is filled with fairies, enchantment, and sport utility vehicles. Certain Native American trickster tales suggest that it was founded by Paul Bunyan and June Cleaver as a safe haven from two anthropomorphic, urban-dwelling rats who continually plagued the couple with world domination plots and poorly funded public schools. To save themselves and their future Harvard-bound progeny, Bunyan and Cleaver bought a plot of unspoiled meadowland 40 minutes from the nearest urban center and tore the shit out of it, creating a labyrinthine maze of tan, off-tan, and off-off-tan structures inhabited by Suburbanites, a chai and latte-sipping tribe that feasts on the shattered dreams of urban people and the backward naivete of rural folk.
Inhabitants[edit | edit source]
The adult population of Suburbia includes 556 lawyers, 798 realtors, 1175 soccer moms, 342 plastic surgeons, 55 Eastern European nannies, and 5 Hispanic gardeners (4 Mexican and 1 Honduran). The PMSing housewife and the effeminate male are also indigenous to this region.
According to the latest U.S. Census data, teenagers now make up a disproportionate percentage of Suburbanites. Sociologists began detecting this population shift when they started noticing the overabundance of skate parks, Hollister stores, and My Chemical Romance T-shirts littering the otherwise flawless lawns and boulevards of the Suburban landscape.
Sixty-five percent of Suburban teenagers are named Katie, regardless of their gender, while the remaining 35 percent are named Jacob, Taylor, and Josh. Forty-one percent now classify themselves as emo, thirty-eight percent label themselves as jocks, twenty-five percent are pot heads and nineteen percent are nerds.
Suburbian cuisine[edit | edit source]
Suburbanites tend to dine frequently in public, primarily in quirky, avant-garde eateries like Applebee's T.G.I. Friday's, Ruby Tuesday, and (for the daring nonconformist) Pizza Hut. When at home, they will often mix various cooking traditions, giving traditional American recipes a distinctive Suburban flair. The most common Suburban cooking ingredients are ketchup, brown sugar, and human souls.
See Also[edit | edit source]
