Chapter Text
"If he stays, I am afraid I will have no choice but to leave."
Those words chilled Dean to his core.
"Oh – no – you can't do that," he protested stupidly as he tried to wrap his brain around Zeke's words. "Sam's not well enough – if you leave his body…"
"I know. I am sorry."
Zeke delivered these words coolly, not sounding sorry for Dean in the least. Rather, Dean thought, he sounded sorry that it had come down to this, and that thought made his blood boil.
"No."
Zeke frowned. The expression looked out of place on Sam's face.
"I beg your pardon?"
Dean glared at Zeke.
"No. I'm not kicking Cas out of the bunker."
"Did you not just hear –?"
"No, you listen to me! Cas just died, okay? Some reaper bitch just stabbed him to death and I am not gonna throw him out in the cold when he clearly can't look after himself!"
"You give Castiel too little credit. From what I have observed, he is a warrior. He was able to survive on his own –"
"Until that reaper caught him! And that's not even the point, man! He shouldn't have to survive on his own if he can have food and a bed here! He's just been thrown from all-powerful angel to barely functioning human and you wanna kick him out there again? He's probably barely holding it together!"
"Dean –"
"Shut up, Zeke. What if that was you? What if you suddenly went from jumped up winged dick to a powerless human, huh? Sam and I've lived our whole lives like that. Cas hasn't. I'm not just booting him out to get killed again!"
"I have told you, Dean. By associating with Castiel, I am putting myself in danger."
Dean eyed the angel coldly.
"So you expect me to throw Cas out when he's in danger, just because you don't feel safe? Y'know, if Cas was in your shoes, he wouldn't dream of telling me to get rid of you. He'd stand and fight because that's the decent thing to do."
"Maybe if he truly knew…"
The words were muttered almost too quietly for Dean to hear but he picked them up anyway.
"Knew what?"
Zeke blinked owlishly at him.
"Nothing. So you won't tell Castiel to leave. You would place him above your own brother?"
Dean snarled.
"Don't you dare," he spat, advancing on Zeke. The angel may have been wearing his brother's face but he carried himself far differently from Sam, so it was easy to focus on Zeke's presence rather than Sam's appearance. "Don't you dare say that there is anyone I care about more than Sam! But Cas is family as well and I'm not gonna stab him in the back when he needs me! Especially when he told me I could trust you! That's the only reason I let you inside Sam!"
Zeke nodded resignedly.
"Very well. You've made your choice. I hope that Sam is strong enough to survive my leaving him but I highly doubt it."
"You won't leave him." Dean pulled out the one desperate trump card he had up his sleeve to call the angel's bluff.
"You say that with such certainty."
"Because I am certain. You can't leave Sam if you wanna be safe. See, this bunker's the safest place on Earth. None of the other angels can find you here. And the only reason you're still here is 'cause you're healing Sam. If you leave Sam, I got no reason to let you stay here."
Zeke's eyes glimmered, though not with any positive emotion. Dean gave himself a mental pat on the back.
"You can't afford to leave Sam, 'cause then you don't get a place to hide. The way I see it, I got all the power here. So go ahead. Leave Sam. But don't expect me to let you back in here if you do."
Zeke regarded him for a moment.
"Very well," he said stiffly. "I will stay. But if Castiel should die again, I won't bring him back."
Dean knew that was coming. Expecting the angel to just give in without a fight would've been too much. But he didn't care. Cas was back! He got to keep him!
"Good. Glad we got that out the way."
"Got what out the way?"
Dean could've grinned at Sam's confused tone.
"Nothing, Sammy. Nothing at all."
"Thank you, Dean," Cas said for the fifth time, scarfing down his fourth burrito.
"Careful, buddy, you're gonna make yourself sick. And you don't need to keep thanking me. I wasn't gonna kick you out after you freaking died."
"Nevertheless, thank you. You weren't obliged – especially after everything I've done –"
"Hey, cut it out. I forgave you, okay? You got screwed over, just like we all did at some point. I'd be a pretty shit friend if I just gave you the boot. Metatron's the one I'm gonna kill, not you."
His stomach did a weird fluttery thing when Cas swallowed his burrito and actually beamed at him – the ex-angel's second true smile that wasn't some possessed or crazy version of him, and again it was directed at Dean. Dean felt oddly smug and privileged.
"Alright, bottomless pit, that's enough," he said when Cas reached for a fifth burrito. "You'll puke it all up if you eat too much. Let's go get you some clothes so you can shower and I'll get a room set up while you're in there."
"I haven't had much chance to shower," Cas said wistfully as Dean led him down the hall. Dean frowned.
"Seriously? You haven't showered since – since then?"
"No. I'm afraid that I don't smell the best. I wanted to wash my clothing but what little money I had, I had to spend on my tattoo. I couldn't even afford to buy food."
Dean's stomach twisted painfully.
"You – you couldn't eat? Is that why –?"
"Yes. The shelters I frequented were kind enough but there was never enough food to fully satisfy my hunger. So when April found me…"
He sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"I was weak. I was off my guard. I allowed her to manipulate me and take advantage of me."
"Manipulate you?" A sickening stone was starting to settle in Dean's belly. "She liked you, you liked her, you had fun times. Well, she didn't really like you but…"
Cas shrugged, staring at the bathroom door where they'd stopped.
"I did like her, yes. But I had no desire to have sex with her."
"Then why –?"
"I thought – I thought it was to be payment for her taking me in. For inconveniencing her and eating her food and sleeping in her bed. It seemed a small price to pay. My virginity for her hospitality."
"But you – but you didn't want it?'
Dean's head was reeling. Cas had seemed so casual when he'd brought up having sex with April! And now he was admitting that he'd only done it out of – out of some twisted sense of obligation? Any annoyance ('And jealousy,' a small voice put in) at Cas having slept with April drained out of Dean.
"No. Not particularly. I simply…feared for my life."
"Cas –"
"Oh, I didn't think that she would kill me at the time. If she hadn't been possessed by a reaper then I highly doubt she would have harmed me directly. But I…expected her to evict me if I didn't offer some sort of payment. Then again, if she hadn't been possessed then maybe this whole argument would be invalid. I have no way of knowing what the real April would have done."
It broke Dean's heart to see the exact moment that Cas realised just how he'd been used. The thoughtful look faded, replaced by one more akin to horror.
"Cas –"
"I think I would like that shower now, Dean. And I apologise for inconveniencing you and requiring some of your clothes but I have nothing else. I'm just grateful that you are allowing me to stay. And at least I did not 'die a virgin'."
Dean wanted to say something. He wanted to reach out and hug Cas and tell him that everything was going to be okay and he was going to fix this. But Cas disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and all Dean could think was, 'How am I supposed to fix this?'
While Cas was in the shower, Dean picked out an old pair of sweatpants and boxers and an AC/DC shirt for Cas to wear. Every motion he went through, however, was numb and lifeless.
Cas was hurting. And he couldn't do anything about it. Cas could be just as stubborn as a Winchester if he wanted to be and Dean knew that he'd have to be careful when talking about this, so as not to push him too far and make him clam up. Though Cas probably didn't even understand just how bad this whole thing truly was, so maybe Dean would get lucky and Cas would tell him everything.
If that reaper wasn't already dead, Dean would have killed her again in the slowest, most excruciating way he could think of. How dare she take advantage of Cas like that? Cas was supposed to pop his cherry for fun and enjoyment and to see what sex was all about – not be forced into giving it away for fear of his own life! Dean felt sick to his stomach. Cas hadn't even wanted it! What sort of monster would manipulate someone into sex in order to have a roof over their head and food in their stomach?
'That's wrong,' he thought furiously. 'That's gotta be wrong, tricking someone into it.'
And what about the real April? Dean honestly hadn't even spared her a thought until now but while he was on the topic of forced sex, what about the poor chick who'd been possessed? Cas had never had that problem – Jimmy was long gone by the time Cas even looked at porn and got his first boner. But that reaper bitch had been possessing a vessel that very much still contained a soul in it. What had April thought? Had she agreed to it with the reaper? Had she hated every minute of it? Had she even known? Dean had never been possessed by anything more than a ghost, and those were weak. How terrifying was it to not be in control of your body but have to watch everything that went on?
"Son of a bitch!"
Dean punched his wall in rage. Why the hell had it all gone so wrong? It was only a week ago that Cas had been a nerdy angel (albeit a nerdy angel that Dean had been pissed at) and April had most likely been some random, non-possessed chick. And now Cas had been greeted to humanity with homeless shelters and bitches who manipulated him into sex ('That's sexual assault, y'know. He couldn't consent properly. He only did it out of obligation and self-preservation,' his brain supplied helpfully. Dean tried to strangle it), and April was dead after a double whammy of possession and sex that she hadn't been able to consent to.
Dean might have been a very sexual creature but at least he fucking respected consent. If he got so much as a hint that someone wasn't into it, it was game over for both of them.
The sound of running water caught his attention at that moment. Cas had been in that shower for a long time…was he alright?
"Cas?" Dean called, leaving his room with the clothes. "You okay in there?"
He got no reply. Pausing outside the bathroom door, he raised a fist and knocked.
"Cas?"
Worry gnawed at his stomach when Cas didn't answer.
"Cas? I'm comin' in, okay?"
To his relief, the door was unlocked and Dean was able to slip into the steamy room. The first thing he saw was Cas sitting on the floor of the shower, curled into a ball. His skin was red and splotchy, though Dean wasn't surprised considering how much steam the water was making – it had to be pretty damn hot. His arms were also covered in red lines, as though he had been scratching and clawing at them.
"Cas! You okay?" He threw the clothes down, quickly stripped to his boxers and shouldered his way into the shower with Cas. When Cas looked up at him, Dean's heart shattered at the broken look behind Cas' blue eyes.
"I'm dirty, Dean," the ex-angel whispered. "I'm filthy. I tried to clean myself – to scrub away the taint – but I can't. I can't get rid of it."
The water was so hot that it scalded Dean's skin. He reached up to turn the taps off and then wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him close.
"You're not dirty, Cas," he said firmly. "You didn't know. You couldn't help it. It was self-preservation."
"Exactly! I didn't know, Dean! I was weak and helpless and I – I allowed that reaper to use me. I'm stained!"
"Hey! No, you're not!"
"It isn't even about my virginity, Dean! I was – and I used her. The real April – she couldn't have consented – I'm just as bad as that reaper!"
Cas' breaths were coming in quick, short gasps. Dean rubbed a hand down Cas' back, trying to comfort him but feeling utterly helpless and powerless.
"At least I gave some form of consent! But April – the real April – she couldn't – Dean, I raped her!"
He spat the words as though he had something filthy in his mouth.
"Cas, slow down! Stop!"
Dean let go of Cas so that he could cup the ex-angel's face and gently tilt it up. Cas met his eyes for a second before looking away.
"You didn't know," Dean said firmly. "It's not your fault, Cas. It's not April's fault. It's that damn reaper bitch who's to blame. She's the one who – who did that to April. How the hell could you have known? And if you had known, you'd never have taken advantage of her!"
"Even if that was true," Cas whispered brokenly, "I'm still tainted. I – there is a stain on me, Dean – a stain that I can't clean off, no matter how hard I try. I – I scrubbed and I scrubbed and I broke your bar of soap but –"
The tears that had been threatening to break loose finally came pouring out. Dean held a sobbing, hiccupping Cas close, allowing his angel to let everything out.
'Your angel?' the voice sniggered.
'Shut the fuck up! Cas needs me, so fuck off!'
The voice didn't reply.
"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said stuffily. "I'm just burdening you. I hate to ask but if you'll allow me to borrow some clothes, I'll leave as soon as I –"
"Wait, what? Leave? You can't leave!"
"I'm tainted, Dean. I know how important sex is to you and I couldn't even do that right. I'll save you the trouble of asking me to leave."
Those words were a punch in the gut.
"Seriously?" he said. Cas flinched away.
"I've upset you. I'm sorry –"
"Don't apologise, Cas! You're not tainted! Someone just screwed you over! Guess what? I've been played like a puppet before as well!"
"Not sexually! Why can't you understand, Dean?"
"Because I can't! You really think that sex is that important that I'm gonna throw you out and never talk to you again because you got pushed into it?"
"No. I don't think you would throw me out, though you would be right to. But I do know that you can't possibly look at me the same way again –"
"You're right. I can't."
Cas visibly recoiled, his mouth drooping.
"You know how I see you now? I see an amazing person who got fucked over and tricked into sex – which should never happen, man. You shouldn't ever have to give sex in return for food and shelter, which any decent person would give you out of the kindness of their heart!"
Dean's stomach twisted at Cas' piercing blue gaze.
"You're still my best friend, Cas. I still need you so damn much. Sex…it's just somethin' I do for fun, okay? Something to relieve stress or to just have a good time. Some people think it's pure and special and only do it with 'the one they love' but again, they consent to it – they don't extort it outta their partner! I'm not gonna think any less of you for being manipulated into it. Hell, all that does is make me wanna do anything I can to help ya. But I don't know how."
"You don't have to," Cas murmured, sagging into Dean's arms. "I'll get over it in due time."
"You can't just 'get over it', Cas. That was sexual assault. You think anyone else just 'gets over it'? It's gonna take time, man. And I'm gonna be right there, helping you. You got that? You can't get rid of me."
He mentally cheered when trembling arms wrapped around his chest and Cas buried his face in the crook of his neck, warm breath sending goosebumps racing along his skin.
"Thank you, Dean. I know I don't deserve it –"
"You do, Cas. You've nearly always been there for me. We had our moments but they're gone, okay? I don't care anymore. What I do care about is helping you and making you see that this isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel ashamed. Just 'cause she didn't pin you down and force you to take it doesn't make it any less horrible."
He automatically reached up and began to stroke Cas' wet hair. Cas heaved in a shuddering breath.
"Thank you," he murmured. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't be. Not your fault."
"If – if there was anybody I would have liked to give myself to for my first time…it would have been you."
Dean's stomach was suddenly all over the damn place.
"Me? You sure, man?"
"Yes. I'm certain. I would not feel pressured into anything with you. I'm sure of it."
Ignoring the small voice in his head that screamed that he was a very straight man and liked boobs and soft curves and toned butts, Dean kissed the top of Cas' head. His gay panic could wait because right now, Cas damn well needed him.
"You wouldn't," he said firmly. "And you won't. I don't give a damn about virginity. All it's good for is dragons and spells."
Before he knew what was happening, a pair of soft lips were pressing to his. He kissed back, though he didn't inject as much force as he'd have liked into it and he made sure to keep it chaste and back off when Cas pulled away. Cas was setting the boundaries here and he wasn't going to push him into anything he wasn't ready for.
"The way I see it, you're not dirty," Dean said. "You're just a bit cracked. But hey, aren't we all a bit messed up around here?"
The brief, wide smile that Cas shot him made the twenty minutes shivering in the shower totally worthwhile.
"Now, c'mon. You're gonna get sick if you just sit here, so let's get you dressed and in bed."
He tried not to stare at Cas' toned body as they stood up, in case he made the guy uncomfortable or something – though it was difficult because Cas was damned good-looking. To distract himself he helped Cas dry off, snickering when he rubbed Cas' hair madly to make it stick up everywhere and Cas let out an annoyed exclamation, and he smiled to himself when Cas was finally dressed and stood there, looking like an oversized puppy.
"Didn't get a chance to make up your bed, so I'll go and do that now. You want a hot drink or something? Not coffee or you won't get to sleep, but maybe tea. Sam keeps some of that herbal shit around – that health freak."
"No thank you, Dean. I would just like to sleep."
Dean quickly made up a bed for Cas, who stood there and yawned while this went on, and once Cas was safely wrapped in his blankets, Dean leaned down and kissed him lightly.
"You need anything, you call," he said. "Don't worry if I'm asleep. You capiche?"
"I capiche," Cas murmured, his eyes sliding closed. "Thank you, Dean."
Dean just ruffled his hair in response and slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him. On the way to his room, he ran into Sam.
"Is Cas okay?" Sam said. "He was in that shower for a long time."
"He's getting there. Just…don't mention anything about April to him, okay?"
"Why not?"
"He thought she'd kick him out if he didn't put out. She was possessed and wasn't in control – the reaper was. Get the picture?"
Sam's eyes widened.
"Oh. That's – oh."
"Yeah. So don't even think about it around him."
"I won't. I actually have tact, unlike some people."
Dean rolled his eyes.
"Whatever. 'Night, bitch."
"Goodnight, jerk."
Barely a few minutes after Dean climbed into bed, there was a knock on his door. When Cas mumbled something about not being able to be alone with his thoughts, Dean immediately moved to the edge of the bed and pulled the covers back in invitation.
"Thank you," Cas whispered as he got into bed. Dean reached out and tugged him close, arranging the ex-angel so that he could comfortably hold him. Cas loosely embraced him back and buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck.
"Anything, Cas."